#can't wait to slide into the next depressing episode

[grampstaxidermy87]

Are you able to write about poly lost boys x male reader who has bipolar? Maybe he's going through a depressive episode or something?

I’m here

An:Hello my lovelies! I’m back after my sudden hiatus, I am sorry this took me so long but life had gotten pretty hectic, all good things I promise! Anyways I do hope you like it! ❤️

Warning: Bipolar!Reader, Male pronouns used, poor mental health, Suicidal thoughts, Swearing.

It was hard to pinpoint an exact reason why my body suddenly refused to move, and yet my mind was racing. That voice that was usually in the back of my mind now took up all of my brain, telling me I wasn’t good enough,that I should just wither away because everyone hates me.

The stress was the worst part, making me feel ashamed for having emotions,that maybe I wouldn’t be feeling like this if I wasn’t so weak…if I were stronger I would be happy.

The blankets felt suffocating around me, but I felt nauseous of the idea of building up the energy to kick them off. Looking up with heavy eyes I saw my clock flashing ‘8:50’ which meant my boys were probably already at the boardwalk waiting for me while I laid here being useless.

That voice spoke louder,they were better off without me dragging them down, they would have more fun now that they didn’t have to worry about me.

Tears filled my eyes as I hugged my stuffed bear tighter, it was a gift from David after he had caught me staring at it and the next day I woke up to it sitting on my bedside table staring at me.

Of course the stoic leader denied having any idea of what I was talking about when I thanked him, but I could see the way his beautiful blue eyes softened when he thought I wasn’t looking.

It still smelled like them, to the point where I was pretty sure they each rubbed their scent on it just so I would end up smelling like them.

That thought brought a small hint of a smile to my face, I really missed them...

A sudden knock on the window beside my bed made me jump, "Babe? You sleeping?" Marko...

"Come on Doll, we know you're awake." David said sliding the window up and slipping inside, they didn't need permission to enter, I gave it to them so long ago that they just waltzed right in whenever they wanted.

"Aww look at our mate wrapped up like a cute little burrito!" Paul cooed hopping in and laying down behind me, I didn't bother moving over since he was just going to tangle himself around me anyways.

He had no idea how much comfort such a simple act brought me right now, the pressure helping to keep me grounded and not get lost in my spiraling mentality.

"Hey Baby boy, we missed you at the boardwalk. Are you feeling sick?" Dwayne's concerned eyes stared into mine as he knelt down beside the bed, reaching up to brush my matted hair out of my face.

"Physically yes..." David sat on his designated chair at my desk, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

"Is it happening again? Doll you should have called Max, he would have told us earlier so you didn't have to be alone." David scolded lightly, knowing I wasn't exactly thinking rationally when I was like this.

"I didn't want to bother anyone, I shouldn't need a babysitter anytime I feel a little sad." I huffed forcing myself to sit up, Paul fallowed and brought me back into his chest as he gently hugged me.

"Baby, this isn't just you being a little sad. We love you and want to be here for you, what kind of mates would we be if we can't help you with these kinds of things." Marko sat on the bed and took one of my hands, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles in soothing circles.

Despite how soft they were being with me I just felt so angry, defeated. I didn’t know how much longer I could deal with this stupid disorder.

“I love you guys too…I just wish I didn’t feel like this! I don’t even remember what triggered it this time…” I hadn’t even realized I was crying until Dwayne was wiping the tears off my cheeks.

“It’s okay to be upset my handsome prince, Your feelings are completely valid. But bottling it all up isn’t healthy,you’ll only end up hurting yourself. That’s why we want you to rely on us too.” The others voiced their agreements and I looked up as David approached and cupped my chin,making me shiver from the intensity of those striking blue eyes of his.

“You’re not going to scare us away,if that’s what you’re afraid of. We are immortal vampires who kill to survive, you being Bipolar isn’t going to make us change the fact that we love you more than you’ll ever know. We have killed for you,Ripped bastards apart for even looking at you the wrong way.” He said leaned down until our faces were inches apart.

“Isn’t that enough to prove our complete and utter devotion to you?” My breath hitched in my throat and he smirked when he heard my heart skip a beat.

“Such a romantic Davey.” Paul teased earning a smack up the head from Marko for ruining the moment,”Shut up Paul.”

They started arguing but stopped once hearing the quiet chuckle that passed my lips as i tiredly rubbed at my cheeks, “I love you guys, I’m so-“ ,”(Y/n), if the next two words out of you mouth are ‘I’m sorry’ I will smack you.” Dwayne warned successfully shutting me up.

“You have nothing to apologize for babe, You’re allowed to have emotions. And yea sometimes they really suck ass, but you’re not alone.” Paul cooed cuddling into me and pressing a kiss on my neck.

Marko moved to press a kiss to my cheek and sat back with a smile,“He’s right love, you’re stuck with us.” A teasing smile tugged at my lips and I playfully rolled my eyes, “Lucky me…”

The terror twins immediately tackled me back into bed, with feral grins and merciless fingers that tickled all the spots they knew by heart.

Dwayne and David stood off to the side, smiling at the three of us softly. They were happy to hear my laughter, no matter how far into my own head I got they would always be there to bring me back or offer a listening ear.

Because we were family, one big messy family.

[kinetic-elaboration]

S4 of T100 is so bad. Like so bad that I think I should stop trying to watch at least some of the earlier episodes as part of my partial rewatch and go back to S1. I know this is some people's favorite season and more power to you I guess; it's always more pleasant to enjoy something than hate it. But I just can't relate. It's so depressing. It's SO mean-spirited. It's so hopeless. Every single second is just like excruciating pain with absolutely no light on the horizon at all. It feels like some gigantic gotcha: you liked these people? you rooted for them? Well joke's on you!! They're going to behave just as terribly as their 'enemies' in the beginning and you will then be left with a black void inside where any optimism about humanity could be. I think the first time I tolerated it because I was waiting to see what would happen next and now I know it's just a straight slide into the irredeemable garbage pile so... really who cares? Shitty people doing shitty things so that most of them can die and the rest can be miserable forever. <3 But it's deep lol! A true mirror onto humanity <3 <3

[starcaged]

last summer really already feels like a dream.. and it s really got me messed up uhh

[taerseok]

Blooming Daffodil

—Pairing: OT7 × reader (platonic)

—Synopsis: You’re a blooming daffodil. And you’re still learning, but with the help of your seven friends, you can make it through. You know it.

→ ‘The daffodil flower is known for its symbolism of new beginnings and rebirth.’

—Word Count: 2651

—Genre: Hurt/comfort

—Triggers: Some sadness here and there, nothing too major though!

『Hello! Looks like I'm posting again, after a while, lol. It's been a few months and I didn't expect to put this out so it's unedited in most areas. I wrote this to comfort myself so if it comes off as cringey pls don't mind lololol. Still, I hope you enjoy :D』

-

It’s dark and cold where you lay.

It’s silent, almost to the point of being unbearable. You’re unsure if it’s your bedroom you are sitting in, or just a random strange place. It’s unfamiliar, and you feel exhausted.

Your phone rests in your hand, your chin on the cool bed sheet. Is that the reason you are getting these chills and soon after, the hot rushing waves that fall upon you?

It’s Taehyung’s messages.

You replied back only a few moments earlier, and had the desire to say more but-

You’re suddenly exhausted.

Your body feels light, almost light enough to levitate in the cold, air-conditioned nothingness. There’s the faint sound of a melody playing in your head, but you don’t pay it mind.

Your heart’s too full, all at once, a little too tired to go on right now.

You’re not sad, by any means. In fact, if you tried, you could muster up some sort of a smile right now. It’d be tight and most certainly fake, it wouldn’t reach your eyes, but… It’d be there, nonetheless.

From [taehyungie]:

coming to the movie night at jungkook’s tonight?

i’ll pick you up if u want

There’s your stomach aching from anxiety, with everything that had been going on. College, you not being able to talk to your friends (who you doubt care), but even more than that, just not being able to feel alive in your own body.

You are far from sad, but that doesn’t mean you’re content.

Friends from high school aside, you had Taehyung. You had the seven boys you adored the most in the world. You had met them back at an inter school competition where you all got to know each other, and eventually became friends. Some sort of friends, anyway.

They were from a different school, so it did piss off your schoolmates that you were befriending ‘rivals’ but that didn’t mean anything to you. All that mattered was that you had them, and they had you.

Fast forward to a year later. You’re laying in bed, exhausted and overwhelmed. There’s this weight at the back of your head, making it feel heavy, almost as if you had a headache.

Tired.

So extremely tired.

To [taehyungie]:

I don’t really|

The cursor keeps blinking at you, as if it’s asking, ‘do you really want to say this?’ You don’t.

Really.

But you’re not in the mood to socialize, even if it means missing out on a movie night you had waited for to spend with your bestest friends. You love them, you really do, but… It’s at moments like these that you find yourself asking again and again-

Am I really their friend?

You can’t figure out if you love them as much as they do, and how could you ever repay these seven men for how much they had lit up your life?

And then again, you’re tired, a little overwhelmed, a little sad (so you finally admit it). You can’t even bring yourself to move. What do you even do? Saying you don’t want to come sounds like you’re ungrateful for how much they’ve done for you, which isn’t true at all. You appreciate them, but there’s that lethargic feeling in your bones, the way each bone in your body aches, that just tells you-

You can’t.

You feel like a living paradox, sad but happy, energetic but tired, in pain but you’re okay.

You’re okay.

You’re completely fine, so why do you feel this way?

You want to shut the world out and not look anyone in the eyes. Stop talking. Leave group chats. Turn down offers.

It’s not the first time this has happened. It’s not the last time it’ll happen either. But every time, it feels like the worst one so far. You’re hurting but your body can’t recognize the pain, making it seem like you’re not, but you are, and you know that deep down.

Your head’s cluttered, throbbing pain now taking over from the heavy weight you felt at the back of your head instead. You massage your temples to ease the pain, but your fingers, cold and unnerving, cannot keep you away from brooding.

What do you say?

What do you do?

You hold down the delete button, clearing the message box. Your cursor still blinks, making you feel annoyed, before you click the cancel button and let the keyboard on the screen vanish.

Done and- for the last time, you’ll say it- exhausted, you flip over to lay on your back, staring at the ceiling above.

If you say you don’t want to go, you’ll appear selfish and it’ll make it seem like you were leading them on. Which you weren’t, you were just as excited as them about it, but you never planned for your weird episode to begin today.

If you agree to go, you’ll only bring them down with your depressed self. And that’s sadly not the end of it. You’ll likely explode with frustration because of how much you let yourself take in while being around them.

At times like these, all you needed was some peace and quiet.

It was funny how a third-party could figure out a solution to this, but you definitely couldn’t. Plans run in your head over and over again, repeating themselves so you don’t forget.

Dinner at 8.

Movie night begins at 9.

Come home around 2, another sleepless night. Maybe tonight you’ll finish your assignments. What about that K-drama though?

First class at 08:30 tomorrow.

And then

Stop.

Please. Stop.

Telling that aloud to your brain seems as if you have more control over it than it does you, but that’s not it at all. In fact, it’s the other way around. It has way more power on you than you do it, but saying that out loud makes it seem as vice versa.

If a person is thinking, is the brain controlling the person or is the person controlling the brain?

Your thoughts stop there.

You take a hold of your abandoned phone, hands freezing but you pay it no attention.

To [taehyungie]:

Can you come over with the others?

A sigh, then another, and another. You just can't stop.

From [taehyungie]:

why

did something happen

You can’t bring yourself to answer anymore, to type anymore, apathy regaining control over you.

From [taehyungie]:

yn

are you okay???

i’m coming right now

stay there

Your heart’s beating in your chest but you’re barely breathing. And it hurts, the pressure weighing down on your chest, but you can’t bring yourself to care.

Your heart hurts, and it hurts as it beats, but you can’t bring yourself to care.

You lay there.

You’re sobbing now, tears brimming in your eyes. They don’t fall out, but it burns to have your eyes open as the air around you seems to be too much for them, and so you shut them tight, hands balling into fists.

Help.

It’s too much, all too much-

You can’t take it anymore. You can’t destroy yourself like this and you know that, but-

Fuck, how badly do you want to cry right now? How badly do you wish you could let it out so you wouldn’t have to deal with it? But you just can’t anymore.

You slide down from the bed unwillingly, to sit on the ground, you back supported by the polished wood. Begging the heavens to let you cry. Begging.

The tears disappear as soon as they come.

It’s fifteen minutes later that you hear the doorbell ring and you freeze.

Fuck fuck fuck.

You can’t. You regret it, telling him to come over, to bring everyone with him. Why did you even-?

You don’t have the power to stand up, but you do it anyway, hearing them shout your name, half limping to get to the door downstairs.

Hand trembling as it reaches for the doorknob, you let out a shaky breath as you turn it to open the door.

They’re here.

Company.

Fuck.

“YN, are you okay!?” Taehyung’s the first one to ask, inviting himself inside as he holds your shoulders and takes you to the living room, saying things you don’t pay attention to. The others follow him behind.

You don’t say anything as they sit you down on the couch, making sure you feel comfortable. Yoongi sits down next to you, his hands find yours and you flinch, causing him to loosen his hold on them.

“Sorry. I should’ve asked first.”

You shake your head.

You can’t speak. You want to stay silent, keep everyone quiet. But they go on, anyway. “What happened?” Namjoon asks, raising a brow. Each of them seat themselves around you, either on the couch or on the floor right in front of you. You can’t even look down to see your hands clasped in Yoongi’s to turn away.

As if they couldn’t already read you like an open book.

“Are you tired?” Jungkook tilts his head, doe-eyes staring up at you from his place on the floor. You shake your head lightly. You want to tell him to get up, sit on the couch, but… It doesn’t matter. It’s not as if you can speak.

“Her hands are cold,” Yoongi remarks, to which you see Jimin pout. “Were you sitting in the aircon for too long? Do you have a fever?”

Putting the back of his hand to your forehead, you watch as Yoongi winces. “She’s burning.” Taehyung sighs, before a look of determination crosses his face.

“Mission SAVE YN starts now!”

You wince at the loudness of his voice, not used to it. He looks at you apologetically before turning back to the others. The rest of the guys look at him with raised brows and confused looks, to which he frowns. “Mission SAVE YN! Let’s take over different duties to help YN feel better,” everyone else nods enthusiastically, sounds of ‘oooh’s fill the living room, as they talk of what they’ll do to play their part in this ‘mission’.

And you’re grateful, really, but…

You can’t help but still sulk. The apathy does not leave.

Hoseok, noticing that, gathers everyone’s attention back together again. “YN, are you really okay?”

“Do you not want our help?”

“Everyone needs some alone time, it’s okay if you do too.”

But how could you feel anything if not for them? Your conflicting feelings grow and grow until you feel as if your existence is just a paradox-

You’re living but you’re not.

“It’s not that easy.” You speak, for the first time in a while, your voice so light and quiet that the ones not sitting right next to you on the couch (Yoongi on your left and Namjoon on your right) have to scoot closer to hear you continue.

“I don’t want this. But I do. I feel conflicted right now. I wanted to go to the movie night, I really did, but…” you pause, trying to organize your thoughts. “I’m a mess. I hate feeling this way, I hate bringing you guys down with me. But you’re the only people that really make me smile and… just seeing texts from Taehyung wasn’t enough this time around.”

Jimin tilts his head at the words, “How do you feel?”

“Tired. Emotionally drained. I can’t smile anymore. I don’t laugh at the things I used to,” you look up to meet eyes with Seokjin, who winks upon the eye contact. You blink- it doesn’t make you smile or giggle as usual.

Namjoon puts his arm around your shoulder, running his hand over your back.

You’re safe.

You’re okay.

“It hurts to feel that way. That nothing understands me anymore. Not even my own self. But I called you all over anyway,” your voice gets louder as it returns to you, tears pooling your eyes again and you sniff, “And I felt bad that I used you all and led you on with the movie night thing but… I’m sorry.”

Namjoon holds you closer at the words, tightening his grip. Your hands reach up to wipe the tears away from your eyes, sniffing as the rest keep quiet. You let yourself live in the moment and enjoy the feeling of comfort that you felt whenever your seven friends came around.

“We’ll make you feel better, only if you want us to. We don’t want to force you,” Seokjin smiles faintly when you look at him upon the words. “And you’re not a bad friend,” Hoseok huffs, grinning brightly when he sees a little smile creep onto your face.

“Thank you.”

So they begin.

Jungkook and Hoseok let you sit at the couch with them as they tell you puns (your favourite things in the world after the boys), waiting for Seokjin to return with snacks. When Mr. Worldwide Handsome returns, he adds onto the puns with his own dad jokes and clever play on words. It is ‘unbelibubble’ how easily you smile when that one joke comes around.

“Getting out of your bubble, I see,” Seokjin says he sets down the tray of snacks on the table, “Unbelibubble!”

Jungkook imitates vomiting. “That one was pretty bad, hyung. I won’t lie,” Hoseok nods lightly, before taking the packet of chips and opening it to crunch into one, passing you over the rest.

“Yah! At least YN smiled at it!”

“YN has the same sense of humour as you. Not surprising,” Jungkook’s and Seokjin’s bickering truly never stops.

You ‘play’ with Taehyung and Jimin next.

“YN says dance like monkeys on steroids,” you smirk, making the two raise their brows at you. Jimin stomps on the ground, pouting, “That’s not-! What even-!?” He manages to say, before bursting out into laughter, falling to the floor at the ridiculous order.

Your version of Simon Says. Much better than the original game, in your opinion.

“Remember Jimin-ah, you have to do it. YN said so!” Taehyung huffs, before trying to dance like how a monkey on steroids would, though it is mainly just flailing his arms in the air randomly, making a few monkey sounds here and there that sounded more chicken-like than they did monkey, but that is fine too.

Jimin snickers, rolling his eyes before crossing his arms to look up and down at Taehyung as he finishes. “That’s all you can do!?”

“Oh yeah! Can you do better!?”

“Watch me!”

Last but definitely not least, comes bed-time with Namjoon and Yoongi.

Yoongi’s slender fingers run through your hair, silently wishing you good night, after you have taken your medicine. The fever should be okay soon, they had said.

“Would it be too much if I tried to sing you lullabies?” Namjoon asks, on the verge of laughing but he somehow keeps it under control. You grin, eyelids growing heavier. “I wouldn’t mind it.”

“You wouldn’t?”

“Are you sure you know what you’re signing up for, YN?” Yoongi smirks as he lays down next to you, one arm under his head, the other hand still brushing strands of your hair.

“I love when he sings.”

“And if he wakes up the neighbors?”

“He won’t,” you mumble, drifting off to sleep. “I’ll sing for you then,” you listen to Namjoon say. You don’t hear much before you fall asleep, but from what you do hear, you can tell it’s beautiful. Though now that you think about it, the whole ‘neighbors might wake up’ deal might not be that far-fetched. It is beautiful to you anyway.

---

You wake up the next day in your bed, just how you remember yourself laying down, bodies on both your sides.

Regaining your vision, you see seven men sprawled over the room- three on the bed with you, while four lay on the floor with sleeping bags, sunlight filtering through the windows in your bedroom.

A little smile makes its way to your face, and heart, at how adorable each one of them is.

And how incredibly lucky you are to have them.

[simplymurdock]

wip wednesday

i've been working on this for about a week now, and it's almost done. ima try to get this out tomorrow but i don't because i've been in a depressive episode for a week and am still trying to pull myself out of it. but this has really helped me, not only is this one of the longest things i have written but i'm absolutely in love with how it's coming out. this is a lovely request from @okay-j-hannah and i can't wait for you to read the finished piece !

(y/n) stared at her hands wrapped around Amy’s wrist. The only sound to be heard was the howling wind above them and pounding coming front the half-skeleton-half-daleks behind the silver door. The bright blue light shining through either side of your fingers as she was still trying to process what she just did.

She saw the bright blue light in the grasp of the skeleton as the door slid shut. It was a reflex, at least she thought it was. Quickly sliding her thick band off her’s and slipping it on Amy once she saw the light going.

“One of these. But where did they get…it?” The Doctor answered after looking away from the screen where the skeleton creature where looking. His expression dropped, his whole body stood still as he stared at her hands. “What happened? What did you do?” He asked finally looking up at (y/n) with eyes full of a mixture of fear and sadness and hopelessness.

She didn’t reply, still in a state of shock of what just happened.

“(y/n),”

She looked up at him, she knew that tone. It was soft and sweet and comforting, something she needed right now. “The skeleton one’s is Amy’s, now she has mine. Technically her’s now I guess.” She said expressionless, ending it with a dry laugh. “I wasn’t thinking I-I-I just…”

He held her wrist, staring at it, in disbelief. “Doc, what’s gunna happen to me?” She was worried. He could only look at her, wanting to tell her everything was going to be alright. That he could fix this, that he could save her. But he couldn’t. He didn’t know how. The one person in the entire universe he wanted to always save…and he couldn’t.

+°✮*. · ∘ .

“Can someone please tell me what’s gunna happen to me? And don’t sugar coat it cause you’re both below me.” (y/n) reminded, climbing down the rope ladder.

Amy looked down at the Doctor, this had been the fourth time she had asked this.

“The air all around is full of micro-machines, robots the size of molecules. Nanogenes.” He started to explain, finally reaching the bottom. “I know what those are, I’ve been with you for a while now.” She replied in a ‘duh’ tone, making him smile lightly for the fourth time. Amy soon stood next to the Doctor at the bottom, giving him a concerned look before the two watched (y/n) climb down the last few rails.

“Well, now that you’re unprotected, you’re being…” The Doctor held the ladder still as (y/n) stood on the other side, jumping past the last three and looking at him. “Rebuilt,”

Her eyes softened, but her face stayed the same not wanting to show any sign of fear. “So how long do you saw we have till I get an eye-shish kabob sticking out of my forehead?” She said sarcastically.

“Physical changes come later.”

“And what comes first?”

He looked down the hall, holding his hand out for her to take it. She did, interlocking their fingers like always. Amy smiled softly, happy to see she did forget the small things her and the Doctor did. He looked over to make sure Amy was on his other side before starting down the hallway. “With your mind. Your feelings, your memories. And I’m sorry love, but it’s started already.”

Her face fell and a sad frown formed as her head tilted, “What do you mean?”

“Because we’ve had this conversation four times.” Amy told her, beating the Doctor to the punch. Knowing it hurt her to have this conversation again which she could only imagine what he was going through right now.

She stopped making him stop as she kept her eyes glued on their hands. In her mind the climb was silent, but now she was told it wasn’t and that frightened her. It wasn’t her expression that told him she was scared. He knew her too well to know to go off her look, but her eyes. The pain and fear clouded them. Gently holding either side of her face, “Hang on to scared. Scared isn’t Dalek.” Kissing her forehead as the metal clanking started as the door in front of them pulled upwards.

Slowly walking into the room seeing a dusty old room. Small lights placed on the walls demily lit the space showing wires hanging from ceilings while chains laid scattered across the ground. “What’s that?” Amy questioned as robot dalek shouting was heard distantly.

The mental sound was heard as the two stepped back, (y/n) having to be pulled a bit, as the door descended down.

“Keep a lookout, don’t open this door.” The Doctor told Amy as she nodded. “Stay here. Right here, please.” He told (y/n) holding his hands in front of the two before turning back to the screen. Exhaling anxitionly before getting to work. Amy looked between the two, knowing he was stressed out and scared for (y/n) but was clearly trying to keep his cool.

“Okay…” (y/n) breathed out scared out of her mind.

It wasn’t the fear of turning into a Dalek… okay that was a lie, she was terrified out of her mind to have a Dalek eye-thing break out of her skull. The fear was of losing who she was. Who she remembered. If she remembered any of her friends… If she remembered her Doctor. It was also the fear of hurting people.

Turning around towards the ladder they had climbed down. Her head tilted in confusion as she saw him. Her Doctor…but not her current one. No, it was the face of the ninth regeneration. In all his fantastic glory. Walking towards the ladder gesturing his head for her to follow. She did and neither one noticed her wandering off. Reaching the small space seeing no one, no doctor in sight. Turning back down the straight, dimly lit, eerie hallway.