#can't wait to see erin's bc!!!

[minty-plumbob]

cherry perry for @loveryss embracing erin!

expert nectar maker | art lover / animal enthusiast / outgoing likes: nectar making, cooking, and has dabbled in other skills~

random background below the cut~

cherry recently moved to chestnut ridge to enjoy the fresh air! (we're not going to mention her attempts at starting an underground cat resort in newcrest - spa included) she's always been interested in taking care of animals. cherry's grandma got used to hearing the meows, barks, clucks, and the occasional mooing when cherry lived with her. with a fresh start, cherry hopes to meet other animal lovers and a potential lover for herself!

[cicadawolf]

elder's quest thoughts

-SPOILERS-

So I finished it and here are my thoughts!!

Moonpaw: literally everything about her character is so interesting to me. All the stuff with her dead sister and how she doesn't seem to realize the full impact of her actions is a very cool concept!! It almost reminds me of the collector from the owl house. Can't wait to see where they go with her!

Tawnypelt: I love her and her stupid crush on Crowfeather, I hope it becomes canon, please Erin's please it would be so funny. Other than that I actually enjoyed a lot of her chapters and idk why? They were just more active than the other two I think. Also poor Tawny, almost all of her friends are dead and her son keeps disrespecting her when she's just trying to support her grandson 😭Tawnypelt deserves best grandma award for helping out Birchfeather

Leafstar: honestly I'm with her clanmates here, she needed to step down especially after the badger incident. I feel bad for her but its clear that it's time for retirement. Everytime she dreamed of the gorge or Echosong I just got so sad, like she lost her home and her best friend it's so depressing. But I think her tendency to focus on the past and not the future is why she needed to give up leadership. I'm glad she realized it herself instead of getting fully impeached. Also Hawkstar!!! I'm so excited, Hawkwing will be SUCH a headstrong leader, I hope him and Tigerstar get into arguments at every gathering bc you know they would

Other thoughts:

It sounds like the clans might have to make another journey because of twolegs? Which will be interesting. I can't tell if I like the idea of that or not; on the one hand, it's a repeat of tnp, on the other, it could be a fun thing to read. I do think that contrasting Tawny/Crow who were horrified at the idea of making another journey, with the younger cats who don't seem to care much about a potential move was very smart. They don't really realize the impact behind it- obviously because they weren't there. So idk it could be a good idea, it could be an absolute garbage fire, we'll see

I'm gonna try to continue documenting my thoughts as I go through this series! I think it'll be fun to look back on when it's over :D

[ktzart]

1, 3, 5, & 7

going to answer for each category. bc im like th ejoker (all 1s already done)

Appearance 3: Is there something about your character's appearance that they would change if possible?

Bishop would erase every single scar she has.

Kero has the transgender factor I suppose although the changes they want to make are in fact extremely physically possible just not to a girlie who is constantly running for their life and killing demons. hard to save up for a vaginoplasty when there's beasts

Appearance 5: What are your character's opinion on scars?

Jax , low-key has a fetish for this [thumbs up emoji]

Appearance 7: Is there someone your character tries to look similar to?

Harlow is trying to look like every single rival influencer who ever pops up on their feed, but BETTER, OBVIOUSLY,

Objects 3: What type of object is likely to catch your character's attention?

Wormwood is incredibly intrigued by anything where Parts Fit Together (clocks, jigsaw puzzles, traffic circles, knee joints). and If Those Parts That Fit Together Also Move? Holy Fuck

Anna likes things that are brightly colored or otherwise visually obnoxious. particularly pink ones

Objects 5: Would your character ever try to haggle?

dagmar will because that's how mama raised her. also she's at the moment broker than she's been in a very long time

Objects 7: Does your character ever spend more than they have?

Dagmar, The Divorce, It Was Very Hard On Her, You See

Food+Drink 3: Is there a food or drink your character is unwilling to try?

I think Bishop is kind of scared of shellfish. all those legs....

Food+Drink 5: Does your character consider eating fun?

Nina: Sinful Harlow: An Unfortunate Addiction Jax: :/

Rosier loves eating! they dont need to do it! but gosh the texture of a warm, nearly still quivering liver. unbeatable.

Food+Drink: Is there food that has made your character sick?

Harlow can't eat anything besides blood anymore B) theyll throw it up B)

Weather+Nature 3: What season would your character say they're most similar to?

Harlow gets this question on their Instagram stories and says theyre autumn because theyre a fucking liar who needs to keep up appearances and the only association theyre thinking of is Halloween:Goth. in fact they are a winter where it's bitterly cold but never snows. it only turns icy and wet.

Kero says summer and they are 100% correct

Weather+Nature 5: Has your character ever had an animal phase?

Anna is very actively a furry.

Community+Relationships 3: How comfortable would your character be singing and dancing in front of others?

Khris is a great dancer. he goes out dancing several times a week. this is without exception a shock to every single one of his coworkers when they find out. he would never sing though

Sadie obviously has to be fine with singing in public. the best girl can have a little of attention-hogging. if she wants it

Community+Relationships 5: Who would your character first seek if they needed medical help?

Bishop: the first aid kit in the back of her truck,

Harlow: no one, waits to die while overcome by equally strong feelings of titillation and terror,

Everyone Else: The Doctor,

Community+Relationships 7: Who is your character most honest with?

basically the only person Jax won't lie to is his sister Alice. luckily for his self destructive impulses she lives in massachusetts now and it's way easier to sidestep uncomfortable conversations over the phone

Kero is honest with basically everyone, they think lying is unethical and are a believer in #communication

Khris is also honest with basically everyone, he thinks lying creates more problems than it can solve and is a believer in #efficiency

Mind, Body, Soul 3: Is your character more prone to fight or flight?

if we take this to mean in a situation where they genuinely feel in physical danger:

Anna: fight. Dagmar: fight. Erin: fight. Nina: fight. Harlow: flight. Jax: fawn. Kero: flight. Khris: freeze. Martine: fight. Riddick: flight. Rosier: fawn. Bishop: fight. Sadie: fight. Wormwood: fight.

in a situation more about emotional stress:

Anna: fight. Dagmar: fight. Erin: fight. Nina: freeze. Harlow: flight. Jax: fawn. Kero: fight. Khris: fight. Martine: freeze. Riddick: flight. Rosier: fawn. Bishop: flight. Sadie: freeze. Wormwood: freeze.

Mind, Body, Soul 5: What words could tear your character down?

people have had great success dealing emotional damage to Sadie by saying that she's Not Enough, that everyone sees her as a joke, that nobody seriously likes her.

Mind, Body, Soul 7: Is your character good at practicing self-care?

I don't even need to specify a character. No

Hobbies+Activities 3: What is a talent your character wishes they had?

Harlow is 100% killing themself 24/7 because they arent a famous singer i think. generally the only talents my OCs desire are the talents of Being Normal or Being Loved (cringe)

Hobbies+Activities 5: Which does your character try to prioritize more, work or hobbies?

Khrs my beloved token workaholic. guy who schedules his hookups on his calendar

Hobbies+Activities 7: What is a talent that your character is proud of?

Sadie feels, often to her emotional detriment, that her singing is the only thing she Truly has going for her as a valuable person

[sirenemale]

💋🖼🗺 WARRIORS ASK GAME BEAM

THANK YOU FOR INDULGING MEEEEE

💋 : is there any ships out there you absolutely hate for genuinely no good reason at all. like its not problematic in the slightest, if anything it's one of the better ones, you just cannot bring yourself to enjoy it

I dont think there's any that make me see red or anything, just a lot that are really really nothing imo. I think there's a lot of kinda just for fun or sweet ships that don't really have enough chemistry for me to care abt, which is so fine I just like dynamicsss. Then again a lot of that is down to a lot of wc characters being kinda blank slates (esp side characters) i can buy into most things if someone is insane enough abt their headcannons for it.

WAIT I'm lying,and hollyleaf and fallenleaves. I think he's boring!!! he should've been more toxic genuinely. This also stemms from me being a giant hollyleaf head and liking her being a bit of a bad person, I don't really see why this relationship with some super patient ghost guy would really make her turn around on anything. She had multiple patient people in her life yknow. I think him being clingy, desperate not to lose the only cat to see him on decades, would be way more interesting. Maybe she's being eaten alive by guilt, bc she's contradicted everything she believed in and is trying to justify it to ease her own stress. And fallenleaves is like overly forgiving of it to the point it upsets her. I also just think her narrative turn around was too easy and she wasn't really taken to task by anyone which is disappointing. Like I hate the idea of Holly's turn around being in part to a pseudo ghost boyfriend who's nice to her and her learning mother hood hard bc nursing a fox cub ect. I want it to come from herself and admitting to what she chose to do in her spiral. I think part tof what really gets to her is others disappointment, and silence, and like leafpool in the berries scene where she's got this controlled kinda disappointment and grief. Like hollyleaf wants a bigger reaction to rally against to justify her own extremity but she isn't getting it. Ashfur is someone who gave that to her. she wants to be a bigger victim than she was, she can't take the idea that everything was always out of control and starclan never had anyone's interests in mind. Not just her. Or that others suffered more than her (leaf and squirrel). Idk I think having some guy try to justify it to her to keep her with him would really force her to hear how it sounds.

Also most of this is like part canon remembering and part like, projection and fan interpretation bc wc stuff is a fascinating melting pot of Nostalgia and canon, and headcanon more than any fandom I've seen before. Partly bc the maps and animations create a soft canon that ppl get into instead of the books. I'm trying to write an essay abt ittttt. I also kinda have this pet theory abt hollyleaf being written in the same veign as male characters in the series where their emotional turmoil is used to demean, punish and flanderize female characters (leafpool and squirrelflight in this circumstance) and I think it's interesting. As well as her never being really held to account for how she treated anyone, she's allowed to keep hating her mothers, she got away with murder and attempted murder ect. She also was allowed to be ambitious and never had a mate which r both things Erin's almost never let female characters do without making them into like evil hag harpies ect. I'm very interested in breaking down their specific gender Flanderization bc it's such a clear pattern they use in the books over and over bc they hate women a LOT.

Anyway I told you these would be long. I like hollyleaf regular amounts

🖼 : first amv/pmv you ever watched?

Fuckkkk. Mr brightside was a really defining one for me. I don't remember the first but duckfeathers, gamakichisora, silverwolfynight and ryulovestsute were surely there.

🗺 : first map you ever watched?

This also wasn't the first but this had such a foul grip on me. I almost wrote an essay abt it when I was like 10 or 11 or something. I wasn't allowed to bc when we handed in our song choices for review the teacher told me it was about suicide and I had no clue I was like it's actually about warrior cats. (Songs and their wc amv or map were basically 1 to 1 for me)

[nathank77]

9/2/24

2:11 p.m updated/Added to

Yipee I think Erin finally abandoned me. I mean I don't blame her, she isn't getting paid for it. I just wish she would have said, "hey I can't meet anymore."

I hate the ghosting, hodini culture. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.

I mean I can't blame her, I unload on her and she isn't getting paid a cent. And I can't even offer her money. I'm not even mad about it really. I'm upset it's a hodini case though.

I wish she would have just said she can't do it anymore bc of x, y or z.

Now I'm down to Mike once a week. And I don't see the point in looking for another therapist bc so many turn me away after they make me open up and it's just too difficult to deal with it.

I mean, the problem is I'm not talking about my ocd symptoms and then having then dip out. I'm talking about severe mental trauma. And I mean I don't want to talk to all these new people about it to have them leave...

Sure I can wait to talk to them about it but then they'll just leave after. That's the sad part. It just extends the, "how to lose a therapist in 1-30 business days." To maybe 40 or 50 days and makes it worse bc you start to trust them after a while.

It's whatever Mike is enough but not really. I need more support but the only other therapist I can think of is Julia and I really didn't care much for her yet she stuck around for a few years but I mean I didn't receive any help from her. So it's whatever. And now I'm suffering from much more advanced symptoms. She prob won't take me as an art therapist who thought I was too much when I was easy.

[noxtivagus]

i'm out rn hehe

[canon-notcanon-warriorcats]

So. Let me get this straight.

You get mad at people who dislike Snowbird + Scorchfur because "We don't know Scorchfur's age" despite the latter being an apprentice in PO3 and a warrior in OOTS and Snowbird is much older at that point so we kind of do, and let's say you're right and we don't know his age.

Yet when we don't actually know a character's age (Rain), you claim Rain and Needletail "gross and creepy" bc age when for all we know he could be her age. I don't like either ship, but you can't use that argument for one ship then when we actually don't know a character's age you claim it to be weird.

-inhales- this shit again

first of all

i don't get mad at people who don't like scorchfur x snowbird

i don't get mad at anyone for not liking a ship because i'm a grown adult with more important things to do and better ways to spend my time and energy

what i got mad at

MONTHS ago by the way, so if you're still stuck on that why are you still following me, unless you specifically just stalk this blog waiting to find something to get pissed off about and make a fuss like a bored 12 year old that's desperate for some form of attention

was that in my /rewrite/ i literally had scorchfur and snowbird being the same age and some people got pissed about me still having it in MY rewrite, as well as MY headcanon that scorchfur was a former kittypet who joined shadowclan to specifically be with snowbird, hence why he had an apprentice NAME, because canonically in the books we don't know where scorchfur came from, he was never listed as a kit, he's never mentioned to have parents or any other kin, he just poofed into existence in like long shadows i think it was

and i prefer, instead of actively making my warrior cats experience WORSE by assuming the worst, i headcanon things that make sense and also make things like this LESS gross and creepy, that scorchfur was an adult already when he joined shadowclan, he was an adult apprentice, he was an adult with the -paw suffix because he was training to be a shadowclan warrior after he decided to join shadowclan to be with snowbird and their kits, i simply prefer to have my wholesome headcanon instead of jumping to conclusions of what could or could not be a mistake or oversight on the erins' part or the erin's being stupid and fucked up again

and as for the rain thing, we KNOW he's not needletail's age, you know why? because rain was with darktail in hawkwing's journey, rain was already darktail's right hand man in hawkwing's journey, they had known each other for "some time" already, and mind you that this all takes place MOONS before avos even starts, skyclan is lost wandering in search of the clans for like at least a fucking year or more, this would be moons before needletail was even BORN

another thing would be if needletail had been an adult when they met, but she was literally a young apprentice when she joined the group to find skyclan, she was alderpaw's age MAYBE a moon older, and when they met rain was immediately being flirty with her, i remember reading the book years ago and getting that gross feeling in my stomach, and also when the kin followed them to the lake, needlepaw was STILL an apprentice while rain and her continued to flirt and it was very obvious that they were a thing or "courting" or whatever you want to call it while needlepaw was still an apprentice, we see this ON SCREEN, it's not just in an allegiances section that is screwed up all the time, it's not implied, it's not an if/ands/or buts situation it is literally IN the books plain as day, as a PLOT POINT, typed out through 3 whole books of rain flirting with needlepaw and grooming her to be with him and to join the kin

these two things are completely different, we have so much more in-context, inflexible information on rain and needletail that cannot be worked around unless you want to rewrite it ENTIRELY, but it cannot be headcanoned out because canon is very direct in what happens in this case

the kind of information that does not exist with scorchfur and snowbird

thank you and have a nice day, please go find something else better to do with your time

[mellowswriting]

Oooo could I have some Santi love today please? Reader works from home and can't wait until they are done so he can get some lovin' please??❤❤❤

Pay Attention to Me

pairing || Santiago ‘Pope’ Garcia x Reader

summary || Santiago loves that you work from home. He gets to see you whenever, you don’t have some long commute. But he also hates when you, y'know, actually work because… well, he’s needy.

word count || 746

warnings || Santi is a warning in and of himself bc he’s a needy little gremlin 

Main Masterlist  |  Join the taglist!

Working from home was a blessing. It meant that you didn’t have to wake up early for some ridiculously long commute, you could get as comfortable as you wanted, you could take your laptop to work anywhere in the house - the living room, your bed, the kitchen table. You were even more productive in the comfort of your own home than in the stuffy office you used to be stuck in.

Well, usually.

Your boyfriend - your sweet, goofy, absolutely adorable boyfriend - had a tendency to get… well, needy. Not that you minded, of course. The fact that he came to you for that comfort was something you loved, even when you were supposed to be focusing on giving the quarterly report a final once over before submitting it.

“C’mon, sweetheart,” Santi pouted from where he stood behind you, his hands braced on the back of the couch to lean over and hide his face in your neck. “You have to take a break. Working so long is bad for your… brain or something, I don’t know.”

“It won’t be much longer, Santi, I promise.” You chuckled, one hand abandoning your laptop to run your fingers through his hair for a moment. He groaned the moment you let go and pressed his forehead to your shoulder for a beat before letting you focus back on your work.

You got back into a good grove, your fingers flying over the keys as you crafted an email to your boss, letting her know that the report was finalized and ready to be sent in. As you finished up the email, Santi fell onto the couch next to you with a long, drawn-out sigh and you simply shook your head with a smile.

So dramatic, your man.

You continued tapping away at your work, tying up loose ends here and there, and ignored the warmth of his hand moving to settle on your inner thigh. Even his needy little whine when you didn't respond went unanswered - until every task was finished up and you closed your laptop.

“Finally!” Santiago groaned and scooted forward until his head was in your lap. He stared up at you with those pretty brown eyes that you could lose yourself in for hours and they downright glimmered with his absolute giddiness of finally getting to savor your attention. “Hiya, gorgeous.”

“You're gonna be the death of me, you know that Garcia?” You teased.

“Uh-oh, you pulled out the last name. I guess I really am in trouble.” Santiago pursed his lips and you leaned down automatically to give him the kiss he silently begged for.

“Mhmm, you better make it up to me.” The banter was familiar and it had you smiling against his lips as you gave him a series of quick, sweet little kisses.

“Oh I’ll make it up to you, baby? Wanna know how?” He murmured before moving to sit up, slowly so he didn’t smack his head against yours, and sat with his body facing yours. His warm, calloused hand cupped your jaw and he gave you that bold grin you had first fallen in love with. “I’m gonna give you that last name.”

“Oh, yeah? Gotta give me a ring first, pretty boy.” The flustered, surprised look Santiago gave you only made you giggle. Sometimes he seemed to forget that you gave as good as you got.

“Really?” Santiago asked, his tone reverent and entirely serious. “You’d let me annoy the shit out of you while you work for the rest of our lives?”

“You bet your sweet ass I would.” You covered his hand with your own, holding him firmly against your cheek.

“Oh, just you wait.” Santiago shook his head with a short laugh and a conspiratorial grin. “Juuuust you wait. I’ll have a ring on that finger before you know it.”

Santiago guided you into his lap and you went happily, your heart fluttering high in your chest as you drew him into a deep kiss. There was nothing you loved more than the feeling of his tongue teasing the seam of your lips, his hands holding you close by your hips as he kissed you like his life depended on it. He wore a little grin when he kissed along your jaw and trailed down your neck and with your fingers buried in his hair, all you could think was… If this was how Santi’s distractions were going to end, you sure as hell didn’t mind.

{Taglist} 

@iamburdened @everyhowlmarksthedead @jenrebloggingfics @xserenax-13 @peterpstuff @leonieb @lazybeeches @withasideofmeg @himbotroy @chattychell @ew-erin @artsymaddie @mrsparknuts @lunaserenade @jitterbugs927 @lemonlime09 @la-lunaluna @greeneyedblondie44 @paintballkid711 @over300books @xjsteph @janebby @cannedsoupsucks @bloodsuckingbastards @coldlilheart @itssmashedavo @mtjoi @triggerhappyflygirl @green-socks 

[looooooooomis]

How twilight managed to get some of those actors...its unreal. I forgot about Lee pace. And Rami.

erin I audibly gasped I can't remember which one came out first I think it was rami and I was like wait a fucking SECOND??!?!?!

he looked so smol and so cute and young and I was like aw what a guy.

then this tall drink of fucking water comes onto the screen in an alleyway and I'm like wait a fucking SECOND LEE PACE?!?!?!?

so I'm shocked and just drooling bc he looks TOO fucking good in this movie it’s insane. 

AND THEN as if I'm not already unhinged, I see this tall blonde gangly bitch saunter onto the screen and it’s max from across the universe?!?!?! 

I was shooketh bc this man was IT for me as a teenager like when across the universe came out max was THE man and there he was. a fucking vampire. 

[dulcetspace-moved-blog]

11 more days until i'm 1 year closer to the sweet release of death ™

[flintwoodandco]

INDIGOOOOooooOOO - congrats ily u deserve all the followers and more ilysm i can't wait to see!! all the stuff you'll create!! - u know i love ur 5 sentence prompts bc they're all so great so: flintwood + "if you do that, i'm not going to kiss you for a week"

ERIN MY LOVE MY LIGHT THANK YOU

I love you so much ahh I’m so happy to call you my friend?? Such talent, such wonder, i;m

-

follower celebration

[nathank77]

6/7/24

3:32 a.m

I've been sober all day. Didn't touch it and guess what? I've been doing everything in silence and it's ridiculous. I might as well be smoking weed. It talks all fucking day except all I hear is happy birthday and my deadname basically. It's a broken record.

I'm going to kill myself soon. This isn't getting better. When I say I've been hallucinating all day you have no concept. It never stops. There is no pause button. Idk if weed made it worse or if this is just how it always is cause I drown it out all the time. I mean you don't understand not being able to smoke weed and seeing the chaotic state my brain is in is like why not go out with a bang? I can clean my room.. and organize my stuff but it doesn't stop it no matter how focused I am and not to mention my room hardly ever looks different.

I thought about having a draw for my shorts and jeans bc I remember a time when I had space and I almost cried. I can't imagine not living out of boxes. I can't imagine my life changing.

I can game and hallucinate all day and yea it ruins the fucking game, it ruins my entire experience. I can go out. Go shopping. Whatever it ruins everything.

When I met with Erin today I didn't smoke and yea- it didn't talk much nothing like last night with Mike after I smoked....

I mean why not go out with a bang? I even get to die high and happy. For all I know they won't even take my report against Kristen seriously bc I'm "psychotic," what I am is fucking traumatized.

I am the same person drowning in a Neverending ocean of shit. But I'm strong. I'm intelligent. I'm the same person I'm just struggling more than I ever struggled before. And this label... this fucked up label. For all I know I'm just having ptsd hallucinations at this point. I doubt it but it's a good point. I am traumatized and the hallucination does not stop which further traumatizes me.

I have no one. I have nothing. What am I waiting for? A person to show up and change my life.

Hey I'm trying to change my life but you come from poverty. You come from trauma. You come from a toxic family. You come from never ending mental illnesses. Keep fighting you see nothing changes around you. You can't change it without a hand.

There will never be a hand to reach for me in this ocean. I've been barely breathing but I'm trying. I can't get out. It's only going to get worse.

My mother will die from drinking or lung cancer. My sister won't let me live here. I'll be homeless. And then what? That's what I see happening to me. I ain't gonna find a girl. I'm not going to find my people.

I just want to go out with a bang and die high and happy and I think that's what I'm going to do before this shit storm turns to Dihherea. Cause once my mom dies, I'm getting put in a half way house or an institution. Let's be real. Sure I may have 10 years, 10 more years of shit. Just for an even bigger shit sandwich.

This world wasn't made for me. I hope my words help people when I'm gone cause this is all I can leave behind, the words of a mentally ill guy fighting nonstop and when I look around and ask myself why? I can't give you an answer.

My siblings? They'll love their dead brother who killed himself from psychosis a lot more than their alive brother who couldn't be there bc he was too mentally ill.

They are my only reason and I've been apart from them most of their lives. They can cope with my death and they'll love me more once they find out why I killed myself.

Way more than- my absent brother never spent time with me and now I resent him for it.

[nathank77]

5/30/24

8:01 Edited/Slightly Added to

I made phone calls. I called Walmart obv. I'm waiting on their response.

I called my bank and PayPal and took care of something annoying but it's done.

I also called club 24 and planet fitness to understand what I'd be charged to walk in the door and other random important questions such as if I broke my arm and couldn't work out what would happen. Club 24 is vastly more expensive but it's open 24 hours a day every week. You use you card to walk through the door. It's like 150$ to walk in. Then like 12$-16$ a month bc they charge you by the week at a biweekly rate depending on your membership. Beyond that if you break an arm, you can freeze the account but you still get charged 2.99$ a month and if it rolls over past your annual fee you get charged the annual fee.

Planet fitness is like 59$ to walk in the door. It's better to join on the 16th so you get charged on their billing cycle that starts the 17th, the 10$ a month. Then you get charged an annual fee 2 months after signing up at 49$. If you break an arm they freeze your account, charge you nothing a month but if it rolls over the year you get charged the annual fee.

Planet fitness def wins but I wish club 24 did... I like the whole 24 hours everyday... cause of my circadian rhythm issues.. planet fitness is opened 24 hours Monday through Thursday. They technically are opened at 12 a.m on Friday but close at 9 p.m. Then they have standard-ish business hours from Saturday and Sunday until Ike 7 p.m.

I'm only planning on working out twice a week. If I'm bored I may do 3 days. Idk whats going on with Erin but if she can't see me anymore cause of her license issue. I may go Monday and Thursday. I'll coordinate with Mike to get one more appt a week.. I also could go Tuesday and Thursday.

I wish club 24 was better. It's a lot but you shouldn't have to pay if you break a bone a monthly cost.. I get why the annual would be charged but a monthly isn't acceptable if you can't work out bc of an injury, life happens.

So when I eventually join I'm going to planet fitness. It's like 110$ with annual fee/sign up not including monthly and I'll join on the 16th to avoid a prorate cost. It's too bad club 24 would have been awesome if I could go any day of the week after 1 a.m cause of my schedule.

I plan to go twice a week and run. I want to burn calories and also I want to work on my arms, chest, shoulders, sorta my back, eventually my abs. I'm only doing low weights, high reps. I'm going to use the machines mostly bc of form. Free weights you can really fuck your body up if your form isn't right.

I still got to schedule the mri but it's a lot of paperwork...

I got to shower and shave my head and face soon. It's taken a while to get all these phone calls done.

Also the place that does my cbd on my bank account said reoccurring payment... so I called about that bc I'm not locking myself into a subscription.. he is going to cancel it tomorrow if I have a subscription so I don't get charged. Not only do I want the ability to change my products but they have a lot of percentage off deals. Last month it was 20%, for 420. This month it's 20% off for spring lol like I'm not paying full price bc I have a subscription. I'm using promo codes yo. This shit is expensive.

I tried to call car wash places to ask if they do hand washes. I got a hold of like one but they don't do it. I'm just going to go with Espinosa. They def do hand washes. I went there before. They also clean the inside of the car.. for like 30$.. they don't do the greatest job and they are in New Britain or West Hartford. Idk which I'm going to but it's easier than calling 10 places locally and listening to stupid recordings and some places price interior detailing in the hundreds. I might do a shampoo on my seats and stuff. We will see what it costs. I plan to go Saturday.

I called about the teeth sealant they can't give me an estimate over the phone. I really want to get it done before the gym... I may join the gym in July unfortunately. I have my dentist appt on the 11th I think.... and if he doesn't cancel I'm getting that estimate and if it's affordable I'm putting my smile before my pecs tbh.

But yea I got a lot done. I got to fill out the mri paperwork, shave my face/head. Shower. Decide if I want to buy cbd today or wait until the 1st.

The car wash and grocery shopping on Saturday will not be fun. I mean bjs closes at like 7 p.m or something ridiculously early. So I'd have to go grocery shopping first cause I need a chicken and protien bars..

But yea once I get this car wash done I can schedule my macbook phone appt so then I can schedule my in-store appt.

I also ordered laundry Detergent from Walmart with my purchase last night to hit my 35$ free shipping. It's the only thing I'm worried about bc it isn't sealed. And bc of this whole Walmart debacle I'm like what if they poured bleach into it or something.

Maybe I'll return it and get one in store. Cause I mean I've been harassed and made to feel like a criminal and they know my name but I mean- who knows what employee packed my order. The rest of it is all sealed so I mean as long as the seal isn't damaged then I have nothing to worry about. I hate that I have to go to Walmart Saturday...

I'm still waiting for the status report on Kristen... I surely hope they take my case...

I'm prob not going to do anything about my glasses. Between the teeth sealant and the gym, and cbd, money is going to get really tight...

The Ray-Bans have been working. I haven't had enough TV time for hours to see if my eyes strain but I also read if you watch a lot of TV for hours eyes strain. So maybe it isn't worth it...

My tooth not having a brown stain surely isn't worth putting off for too long. I hope the stupid dentist doesn't cancel again. I have an appt at 4:30 p.m. Stop going home early!

I don't want my body to wait too long either, I deserve to hit my prime. I mean I am here but I can get even more sexy.

I won't get my b12 until Saturday so if the Tingly feeling and numbing is from that I guess I got to wait a little longer. I'm worried about sleep. I fall asleep but I'm suffering from all sorts of things now. I kinda feel like that makes xanax fake but idk.

I'm really worried about my testosterone and my next xanax script cause my Dr went mia. I'm just glad xanax is Monday for my renewal... but I hope she responds to my multiple attempts. I got to get my xanax on Wednesday...... so I wont renew until Monday. I mean maybe I should wait until Tuesday but she doesn't work Tuesdays....

So yea a lot of concerns and I'm trying to remedy them. Sleep, Kristen, testosterone/Xanax, Walmart are my biggest concerns.

I still don't know what to do about Erin tomorrow.... I got to decide.

[nathank77]

5/9/24

8:06 p.m Edited/Added to

So Erin canceled on me again..... she offered tomorrow but I have things to do. I can fit it in but I woke up at 3:30 for her to cancel on me and I had awful sleep last night.

I closed my eyes for over 2 hours and accomplished nothing...the first hour I was on Hydroxyzine 25mg and half a mg of xanax. And I know factually I did not sleep.

Then I opened my eyes and took a Benadryl 25mg. Closed my eyes at 7:39 a.m and next thing I knew it was like 9 a.m... I don't think I slept cause I didn't dream and that's my only give away except when hours ago by.. all I know is my eyes were closed for a very long time...

I popped another Hydroxyzine 25mg.. and slept until 3:30 p.m and I could have fallen back to sleep if I peeded and took another Benadryl but I woke up to make it to my 4:30 appt that Erin canceled last minute....

So today has just been awesome. I called an attorney and idk if they'll take my case but they might. I await them responding and the DHP got my Kristen report per the tracking number.

Bo4 is going awfully... and I'm pissed caused I only get two weeks of fun out of a 14 week rotation. I'm actually about to play something else bc I'm clearly wasting my time.

I'm miserable. Okcupid is okstupid... I'm fucking alone.

I really needed therapy.. but I mean tomorrow I was going to return shitty shoe soles that i replaced for my adidas and the hdcp bypasser that doesn't work... and pick up a chicken so I can stay in the house Saturday and Sunday. As well as pick up some perscriptions from cvs.. I probably won't bother with therapy tomorrow.

I'm on her schedule for today every week. Why can't she just honor that, I could have gotten a full night of sleep if I knew she was going to cancel.

Why doesn't anyone talk to me? Why am I so alone? Why is everything so shitty? Why can't I play bo4 when I'm trying just as hard as I do any other day?

Sunday I lose the bo4 day to mothers day bc it's, "easier" earlier in the day. Less sweaty people play and there are more lobbies. Beyond that I didn't go see my grandmother today.

Oh yea and I'm still hallucinating! Yay!

I'm also going to message someone on mother's day and worry she will block me but idk if shes here and it's important to me to say happy mother's day to her.

Beyond that, I have heart palpitations all the time. And sometimes chest pain now...Scheduling this mri is impossible idk how I'm supposed to get it done by the 28th and I have to wait for my cardiologist appt for over so month. I'm sick of taking care of myself for nothing.

I'm not joking I looked at settlement amounts and like people win millions and I don't even care.... nothing will give me my silence back. Nothing will give me my quality of life back.

I also don't have it in me to be rejected by 5000 therapists to replace Erin... so I may just see Mike once a week maybe twice if he can fit me in... and I'd rather see a female two days a week but I can't handle reaching out to 500 different therapists outing myself and being discriminated against.

[nathank77]

4/25/24

5:40 p.m Edited 5:53 p.m

This has been happening all day:

I've been getting flashbacks of her stiff in the snow and her coming back to life.

If only Erin wasn't Mia and I didn't only have 1 day of therapy a week and have no desire to reach out to 50 therapists to have them abandon me.

I'm seeing Erin def on Monday. Idk if it's a goodbye I'm leaving private practice or not. I kinda think it is.....

And If it is I only have Therapy once a week...

I get it brain, I'm traumatized from constantly hallucinating, I'm traumatized by being locked away in the psych ward. I don't even trust medical staff anymore bc of it. Hence the whole palpitations all day yesterday and me ignoring it just to make sure my testosterone gets put in my ass.

I get that I'm constantly stressed and worrying about losing control and that's why I have ocd and it's worsened since getting psychosis bc I always worry, I'll get worse. I always worry one day I'll be catatonic or I'll be delusional again. Or I'll end up not being able to form sentences.

I always worry that this isn't the top of the mountain where I'm coming down to freedom. I always worry this is just the beginning especially with panic attacks, potential panic disorder and then of course ptsd rearing its head.

And yea I know I barely processed Nala. I know it's unresolved but seeing the image isn't helpful, whether it's psychosis or ptsd or both. I mean man I'm trying but I have no control over Erin leaving and I really can't stand the therapeutic rejection from so many therapists. THEY GET PAID TO DEAL WITH ME, AM I REALLY THAT BAD? They aren't working for free.

Anyways I keep myself busy and stimulate my mind, I have 3 days off. I got my testosterone early and now I have nothing but laundry to do sometime this weekend. I ordered an hdcp bypasser from Walmart thinking- easier return policy and faster shipping and then its coming from fucking like Yeman so I won't get it until like May 5th or something but the return policy is easier and I bought a 2 years warranty cause I'm sick of everyone I get not bypassing hdcp.. I'm trying to keep busy and work through my issues.

I'm waiting on Erin to finish editing my Kristen Report so I can do my final piece and then submit it which will help resolve some of my trauma... but everything is a process and I'm doing it alone.

I'm trying my best brain, but are you? Cause all you got to do is turn off that damn hallucination and then we can really work through shit.

[nathank77]

4/20/24

12:43 a.m

I was trying to game and I had some palpitations.. I stopped trying, getting nothing recordable and now I'm laying here trying to relax watching American Dad.

I'm trying to relax before I shower bc I'm worried it's going to happen again. It's already happening..

I wish psychosis didn't destroy people. I wish reporting Kristen wasn't so hard and time consuming. Mike makes me feel like I've fucked up the whole report. I'm waiting on Erin to read through it and edit it. And then I have to work through what she did while I relive every moment and have my body shut down while I do it.

After that, I have to pay a notary and pay shipping and then see what happens.

I can't even do my passion anymore bc I'm developing fucking panic disorder. I'm actually sitting here having sporadic palpitations and worrying about showering and having more and wishing I could game.

I actually had a flashback earlier today... and I'm just trying to come down. I wish I didn't lose so much from psychosis.

This might be why I keep myself busy, so I don't think much and I just make actions that are productive..

Hopefully I calm down and they stop I got to shower soon. Maybe I won't shave but I really do need to shower. Being a man is difficult you smell while you shower, while soap is running down you, I've got to shower everyday to maintain a decent man smell. Instead of a BO smell.

I'm going to try to relax.