#can't get off on christmas week and it's too damn crowded these days

[ploridafanthers]

Bonfire in the shape of an alligator gar (unfinished), Garyville, LA

Bonfires are traditionally built along the levees of the Mississippi River to be burned on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. This centuries-old custom has garnered some tourist attention in recent years; the turnout has been quite incredible!

More traditional-shaped bonfires along the levee, Lutcher, LA

A smaller bonfire built for the Festival of the Bonfires, a mid-December festival celebrating the Christmas tradition

You can follow the progress of the alligator gar bonfire on the builders' facebook, Blood, Sweat, and Bonfires. Be sure to check out the bonfires they've made in the past. They're the pinnacle of Cajun engineering!

To see these in action, you can drive (very slowly) along River Road in St. James and St. Johns Parishes after 7pm on Christmas Eve.

[rfxiii]

I saw the winter prompts could you possibly do "You're the only gift I want to unwrap." For Franklin

Btw I love your work keep it up 💚

(Hii! Tysm for the request and the kind words! I hope I did your request justice! So sorry for the long wait 🙏)

All I Want For Christmas Is You

TW: smut

Word count: 2903

“Oh my god! This is hopeless!” you growl to yourself, flopping backwards onto the bed and glaring out the huge windows framing the large backyard at Franklin’s Vinewood home.

You’d spent the last three weeks agonizing over what to get him for Christmas. But unfortunately, Franklin was so damn easy to please that when you’d practically begged him to tell you what he wanted for his Christmas gift, he’d simply shrugged and said “I don’t need nothing. Seriously. Anything you get will be great.” But that wasn’t good enough for you. He was the perfect boyfriend, he was the perfect man. And there was no way you were going to get him some generic, boring present. He deserved the world.

You’d broken down last week and asked Lamar for help. But as close of friends as they were, that lanky goofball was little to no help. He’d suggested taking Frank to get a haircut, or maybe buying him some better clothes or a replacement for his “dusty, busted ass shoes.” But even that felt too basic for what he deserved. You’d even asked Michael for his opinion. But after they’d all received all of that cash from their Union Depository score, Michael had only shrugged and said “The kids got all the money in the world now. If he wanted it, wouldn’t he have it by now?”

You’re floundering for ideas now, but not deterred. There’s only one more day before Christmas, but you were not going to let this conundrum get the best of you. And with a new fire ignited inside you, you pull out your phone and call up Lamar yet again, “Lamar, listen! I’m dying here. I need help! Meet me at Rockford Plaza in twenty. Please! I still haven’t gotten Frank a gift, and I’m dying here!” you plead, pacing the bedroom in a growing panic.

“Ugh! Aight, aight! Damn, you really stressin’ about this. And we gotta go to the fancy ass mall?.. Fuck. Aight! I’ll meet yo’ ass there.” Lamar groans, and you hear shuffling in the background which thankfully signals him actually getting up to get ready to go.

“Oh my god! Thank you! Thank you, thank you! I owe you so big for this, Lamar! I’ll see you there!” you chirp, hanging up the phone and scrambling off to grab your jacket.

You’d planned on this shopping trip today, and had thankfully been able to wrangle Michael into your plan of helping get Franklin out of the house to avoid any suspicion. And now, with all your plans set carefully in place, you head off to meet Lamar for your last ditch effort in finding the perfect gift.

But unfortunately, this close to Christmas, your shopping trip proves to be anything but easy or relaxing.

You and Lamar hurry through the crowded plaza, your eyes darting from one shop to the next as you both try to contain your growing frustration. It's been almost an hour since you met at Rockford Plaza, and so far, all you've managed to find are a few mediocre presents that just don't seem quite right for Franklin. You can't help but feel like you're running out of time, and with each passing minute, the pressure to find the perfect gift for the man who wants nothing seems to intensify.

"I don't know, man," Lamar says, shaking his head as he studies a display of expensive colognes, "He's just so hard to shop for. I mean, what does he even like?"

You feel your brow twitching in irritation as you shoot him a look, “What do you mean, what does he like? You’re his best friend! How can you not-“ You stop your ranting and pull Lamar to a stop in front of a jewelry store, the glittering display of diamonds and precious gems catching your eye. "What about jewelry?" you suggest, feeling a pang of nervousness in your stomach. Jewelry like this is a big gesture, and you're not entirely sure if it's something that Franklin would even want. But as you look around, you can't help but feel drawn to the elegance and the beauty behind each piece.

Lamar shrugs, looking unsure. "I guess it won’t hurt nothin’ to look, right?" he says, following you into the store.

The saleswoman, a polished and professional woman with a knowing smile, approaches you both and inquires if she can be of assistance. You glance at Lamar, who seems to be growing more nervous by the second, and then back at the saleswoman, feeling a surge of determination. This is it. This has to be the one.

As you describe to the saleswoman the qualities that you admire about Franklin and the kind of person he is, you feel a warmth spreading through your chest. You're not just buying a present; you're expressing how you feel about him, how much he means to you. The woman shows you various pieces around the store, but when she shows you a stunning pair of black diamond earrings, you know immediately that this is it. This is the gift that gives everything you've been trying to say for the past three weeks.

You swallow hard, feeling a lump forming in your throat, and turn to Lamar, who is watching you with a mixture of anxiety at feeling out of place and hope that you’d finally found the right gift. "Lamar, I think I got it," you say, your voice trembling just a little. "What do you think?"

“Ya know what-..” Lamar mutters, gazing at the diamond studs inside the thick, glass case, “I think we got a winner.”

“Yeah?” you breathe hopefully, grinning up at him as you begin to imagine the surprise on Franklin’s face when he revived his gift.

“Yeah, homie.. Now, hurry up and let’s get the fuck outta here. I can’t put up with too much more a’ this shit.” Lamar snickers, his gaze darting around to the masses of people milling about frantically through the shops.

You grin at the saleswoman, pointing again to the earrings with a decisive nod, “These. We’ll take these, please!”

The price tag on the item nearly floors Lamar, and the expert wrapping skill of the sales associate has you gawking, as well. Finally, she places the perfectly wrapped box into an equally nice bag- decorated with shiny, black tissue paper. You give her your thanks and quickly lead Lamar back to where you’d left your vehicles.

“Aw, motherfucker!” Lamar growls, snatching the parking ticket off his vans windshield, “Double parked? Bullshit! This right here is a perfect park job!” He argues with absolutely no one.

You have the good grace not to mention his abysmal parking job. Instead, snatching the ticket from his hand and taking in the several hundred dollar fine he now owes, “Ya know what- Gimme this. I’ll pay for it as soon as the holiday is over. Like I said, I owe you so big, LD!”

“No shit? Aight, bet! Thanks a lot, homie!” Lamar chuckles in relieved disbelief. And as he watches you jog off to your car, he calls out to you with a big, cheeky grin, “An’ merry Christmas!”

“Yeah! Have a good Christmas, Lamar!” you shout back, feeling relief washing over you at finally having found the perfect gift.

You spend the rest of the day biting your tongue to keep from excitedly spilling your secret gift to Franklin. But the night is still nice together. Michael had taken him golfing, Trevor had joined them later on and gotten them kicked out, then they’d all been forced to go see one of Michael’s favorite, shitty, black and white films, before he’d come home and been happy for time to actually relax with you after trying to corral his two older friends all day. You’d had a nice dinner, spent time together watching tv, curled up together on the couch, before finally going to bed and leaving you struggling to sleep with your bubbling excitement.

The bright morning sunlight streams in through the window the next morning, casting a warm glow across the bed where you and Franklin lie. Your stomach rumbles, reminding you that it's been a while since you've eaten, and with a contented yawn, you roll over to nuzzle into his neck. He hums sleepily, one hand absently stroking your hair as he nestles deeper into the pillows. You grin, sitting up and swinging your legs over the side of the bed.

"Morning, sleepyhead," you murmur, leaning over to kiss him gently. "Think you can get up and help me make some breakfast?"

Franklin yawns, stretching his arms high above his head, before letting out a contented sigh. "I guess I could," he grins sleepily, sitting up and blinking blearily at the clock. "What are we having?"

As you watch him throw off the covers and pad over to the bathroom, you can't help but marvel at how comfortable you've become with him. It feels so natural to be here, sharing this space with him. Even as time passes, there's still an element of newness to it, a spark that keeps things exciting and alive. You know that this is where you're supposed to be, and that thought alone fills you with a warmth that spreads through your entire body.

While he's in the bathroom, you head into the kitchen and begin to rummage through the fridge. You pull out some eggs, bread, and some fruit, setting them all on the counter. The eggs sizzle in the pan as you chop up some avocado, thinking about how much he's going to love the surprise you have planned for him. You're so focused on your cooking that you don't notice him sneak up behind you until you feel his warm breath on your neck.

"Mmm, that smells amazing," he says, wrapping his arms around you from behind. You lean back into him, feeling the muscles in his chest and arms through his t-shirt.

"It's just a little something I threw together," you reply, glancing over your shoulder at him. "But I hope you like it."

He pulls you closer, nuzzling into your neck as he breathes in the scent of breakfast. "I'm sure I'll love whatever you make," he whispers, his lips brushing against your ear. "You're the best cook I know."

When the food is finally ready, you serve it up on two plates and carry them over to the living room, setting them down on the coffee table. You watch as he takes in the spread, his eyes widening in surprise.

"Wow, this is... amazing," he breathes, looking up at you. "Thank you, babe."

You grin, feeling a rush of pride and happiness. "You're welcome. I hope you like it."

He takes a bite of the egg and avocado sandwich, savoring the flavors before swallowing. "It's delicious," he says, looking up at you again. "You really outdid yourself."

You blush, feeling the warmth spread from your cheeks down to your stomach. "I'm glad you like it." You hesitate for a moment, then reach over to grab the small box that you'd hidden behind a throw pillow earlier. Handing it to him, you watch as his expression changes from surprise to delight.

"Merry Christmas." you urge, your heart racing. He takes the box carefully, his fingers tracing over the intricate pattern on the wrapping paper. With a gentle tug, he pulls it off to reveal the black diamond earrings you’d searched so hard to pick out.

“Babe,-.. Holy shit..” Franklin gasps out, his fingers almost cautiously tracing the gems of the earrings.

His reaction is muted and shocked, and you begin to fear that maybe this isn’t even remotely something that he enjoys. But before you can panic too thoroughly, he’s letting out a disbelieving gasp and shooting you the brightest smile you’d seen since you’d agreed to go out with him, “This is…amazing! Holy shit! How’d you pick these out?” he gasps, the smile on his cheeks unwavering.

“You..like’em? Really? Oh my god, I’m so glad! Lamar and I were out all day looking for something to give you, and he was no help, and I was afraid you wouldn’t like these! But I saw’em, and I thought they’d look really nice on you, and I’ve spent all month panicking over what to get you, and-“

“Babe!” Franklin chuckles, cupping your cheeks to silence your frantic rambling, “These are perfect.” he coos before leaning in closer, “But really-.. You're the only gift I want to unwrap.”

He leans in, stealing your breath away when his warm, soft lips press to yours in the softest, slow kiss that has your heart fluttering and head spinning.

“I love you.” you gasp against his lips- your fingers knotting in the front of his shirt to pull him close.

“I love you too, babe.” Franklin mutters with a grin softly twitching his lips.

As you sit there, wrapped up in each other and the glow of the Christmas tree, the room feels impossibly warm and cozy. You lean in, pressing your lips against his again, feeling the familiar heat of his mouth against yours. He pulls you closer, one hand slipping beneath your sweater to stroke your back, the other tangled in your hair.

Time seems to stand still as you lose yourself in the moment, the rest of the world fading away into the background. And in this perfect, fleeting moment, you realize that you are exactly where you're meant to be.

The kiss deepens, and your heart races as you feel his hand slip under your shirt, tracing lightly over your skin. His touch sends shivers down your spine, and you find yourself melting further into his embrace. You pull back slightly, just enough to look into his eyes, and you know that he can see the desire burning bright within them.

With a soft moan, he presses his lips to yours again, more urgently this time. You respond in kind, your hands fumbling with the buttons of his shirt as you try to get it open. He helps you, his fingers deftly working the buttons loose before throwing the shirt aside, revealing his toned chest and soft skin.

You reach up, brushing your fingers over his hair, marveling at the feel of it between your fingers. He shudders at the touch, and you can feel the hardness of his erection pressed against your thigh. You pull him closer, feeling the heat from his body sear into your own, wanting nothing more than to be as close to him as humanly possible.

"I love you," you sigh again, your voice barely more than a whisper as you gaze deeply into his eyes. And in that moment, you know without a doubt that it's true. He smiles, lips curving into a lazy grin as he responds, "I love you too."

As if the words themselves are a catalyst, your clothes seem to melt away, and you find yourself lying naked beneath him, bodies entwined. The air is heavy with the scent of the pine Christmas tree and desire, and the only noise that fills your ears is the rhythmic sound of your hearts beating in perfect unison.

With a soft groan, he presses the length of his erection against your entrance, and you feel the hot, thick head of him press into you. You gasp, arching your back as he slowly begins to push inside. He fills you slowly, inch by excruciatingly perfect inch, and when he's finally buried deep inside you, you feel complete.

His hips begin to move, and you throw your head back, moaning as he starts to thrust. The sensation of being so intimately connected to him is overwhelming, and you feel your orgasm building quickly.

"Franklin..." you breathe, your voice shaking with the effort to hold back the release. "Oh god, I'm going to..." Your words are cut off by a sharp cry as your body is wracked by an intense shock, your muscles tensing and your nails digging into his skin. He follows soon after, his thrusts growing frantic as he releases himself deep inside you.

As your breathing begins to steady, he rolls to the side, pulling you into his embrace. You feel his hot breath against your ear as he whispers, "I love you, baby. I love you so much." And in that moment, you know that this is real. This is forever.

Your heart feels lighter than air, and the warmth from his body seems to spread through your entire being. You lie there, content and at peace, feeling the rhythm of his heart against your chest. He nuzzles his face into your hair, kissing your neck and shoulders, and you feel a shiver run down your spine.

“So,-..” you sigh softly, looking up at him with the faintest hint of a teasing grin, “What’d you get me for Christmas?”

“Oh my god! You’re ridiculous. Hang on!” Franklin chuckles, pressing a kiss to your forehead and stumbling to pull up his pants before scurrying off to the bedroom.

And you can’t help but laugh as you watch the love of your life stumbling downstairs with his pants halfway off his hips.

This Christmas had been hectic, and more than agonizing in your endeavor to find the perfect gift. But seeing the smile and excitement on Franklin’s face had proved to be more perfect than any gift.

[uswntfics]

CATastrophe (Becky Sauerbrunn x Reader)

A/N: Hey y’all, hope you enjoyed this one I randomly wrote it a while ago. As always requests are always welcome.

Y/N shoved her hands into her pockets as she slowly walked along the sidewalk, enjoying the cool air and looking at all of the Christmas lights happily lit up on so many of the houses as she passed. It was still surreal to her that she finally got to take her dream road trip around the U.S.

She had a break from her job as an athletic trainer for Stanford University's women's soccer team before preseason started after also helping out a few WPSL teams over the summer as well. However it was still weird for her to be alone for the Holidays. Ever since she had come out things hadn’t been the same with her family.

She sighed and continued up the path toward the hiking trails. It was beautiful here in Denver but she couldn’t help but wish for something more. She was about to turn around and head back to her car when she heard a sound coming from the brush on her left.

“Hello?” she called, unsure, but she made sure to be ready to run if she needed to. She then heard a pitiful sound from a scared or injured animal.

She knew she probably wasn’t being the smartest but she stepped toward the brush slowly, hoping not to alarm the animal.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” she said in a soothing voice, parting the brush to see a dirty and travel worn cat looking up at her with scared eyes, “Aww hi little one, are you lost?” She cooed, slowly putting out her hand for the cat to sniff her hand.

The little cat must have decided she was okay because it wove closer and brushed it’s head against her leg making Y/N chuckle and scratch it's small head. Beneath the dirt and small scratches it looks like the cat was tabby with some white. Y/N took off her hoodie and wrapped the small cat in it, the cat just meowing and snuggling into the sweater.

Y/N smiled and saw that the cat was wearing a collar with a tag. However the tag was pretty cached with dry mud, so it was impossible to read at this point. "Well let's clean you up at the hotel and call your family. I'm sure they miss you." The cat purred as Y/N scratched under its chin.

Luckily it didn't take too long to make it to the car. Y/N rifled through the trunk of her car, doing a mental victory dance when she saw an old box for her boots which should be the perfect size.

She set the cat that was still all wrapped up in her hoodie, into the box. the cat merely meowed, but it seemed to sense it was safe because it curled up in the box and shut its eyes. Y/N couldn’t help but smile as she carefully shut the door to the backseat and crawled into the driver’s seat and started the car.

The 15 minute drive back to the hotel was uneventful. Y/N checked and made sure the cat was still asleep. When she saw that it was, she carefully lifted it up and found a duffle bag in her trunk, carefully setting the box with the sleeping cat in it, not zipping the top, just setting an extra jacket over part of the opening so that nobody could tell she was smuggling in a cat.

Y/N breathed a sigh of relief when nobody stopped her once she got into her room and shut the door. She carefully set the bag down and started to run the bath so that the water would warm up. she got a few towels ready and then went and grabbed the now half awake cat.

‘Meow!” The cat scolded her as she picked her up and walked toward the sound of the water. “I know little one, I know. But we have to get you and your tag all cleaned up so we can find your family. “ Y/N said softly she laughed as she swore the cat rolled it’s eyes at her.

Y/N grabbed one of the flimsy plastic cups that had been left in the room and set the cat down in the back of the tub. She filled up the cup and gently held the cat in place as she poured the warm water over the cat. “REEEEOOOOWW!” The cat screeched, slightly panicked. “Oh I know honey, I know but we need to get you nice and clean." The cat, who Y/N figured out is a girl calmed down as Y/N soothingly rubbed shampoo into her fur and then rinsed her off, making sure to pay special attention to her collar and tag.

“Missy huh, that name fits you baby girl.” Y/N said as she gently wrapped Missy in a towel and gently dried her off. Once Missy was dry enough Y/N set her so that Missy’s head was laying against her leg as she grabbed her phone and typed in the number from Missy’s collar. She hit the call button and hoped for the best, absentmindedly stroking Missy’s fur.

Kelley O’Hara sighed as she watched her roommate Becky Sauerbrunn stare into space again. Becky hadn’t been the same since her cat Missy had accidentally got out of their apartment in Salt Lake City a week before they had to leave for USWNT Camp. It would be 2 weeks ago today and they haven’t heard or seen anything.

Kelley felt terrible. She had been the one to hold the door for a second to grab the water bottle that she had dropped in the doorway as Becky waited for her in the car to leave for training. Missy was too quick for her to catch..

Their whole Royals team had helped them search for the week, as well as Ashlyn, Ali, and Alex since they had the week off before the camp but they weren’t able to find her. Becky had been even more quiet than normal and it made the whole team feel terrible. Kelley was about to try to make a joke to try to cheer Becky up again when there was a knocking at the door. Kelley sighed when Becky didn’t even look up toward the door.

Kelley opened the door and smiled sadly at her teammates. “Team bonding tonight. What would you like to do Broon?” Alex asked.

Becky just shrugged and sighed, “I’m sorry I’m bringing everyone down but Missy is my baby, and now I don’t know..” Becky sighed at the thought.

“Hey, first of all don’t apologize, we all understand, and second of all I have faith Missy is okay. We’ll help you find her,” Christen said, squeezing Becky’s arm. They decided to play a trivia game since that’s one of Becky’s favorites. Sonnet was floundering for her team of herself, Lindsey, Mal and Sam when She was saved by the bell, or the ring of Becky’s phone.

Ali grabbed it off the nightstand to hand to Becky. “It’s an unknown number.” Becky frowned but answered the phone.

“Hello?” Becky said.

“Hey, this is going to sound really weird but are you Missy’s owner? I found a cat with tabby markings and a white belly and this was the number I found on her tag.”

Becky froze. “What really?! Yes this is her! Where did you find her?!” Becky asked,a huge grin forming on her face. It shouldn’t be too far, one of her teammates could maybe pick her up after training.

“I actually found her on a trail in Denver. She’s all clean and ready to come home!”

“What all the way in Denver?!” Becky was shocked, she could barely wake the girl from a nap and she had somehow ended up hundreds of miles away?!

"Yeah, I'm guessing she had a long journey.." Y/N observed as she scratched Missy's head.

"Yeah we live in Salt Lake City. But I'm in Carson right now and I don't know if I have anyone who could get her soon…” Becky worried.

“well I’m on a road trip right now anyway, I can drive her down if that’s okay.” Becky was shocked. Thanksgiving was in a few days and a complete stranger was offering to drive her cat over 16 hours??

"Are you sure? I don't want to put you out at all." Becky said.

"Of course, it's not a problem at all. We'll leave tomorrow. Is it okay if I text you updates?"

"Of course, and I can't thank you enough! I'll text you the hotel address too! Thank you so much.." Becky trailed off.

"Y/N." Y/N finished

"Well Y/N I'm Becky and I can't thank you enough."

Y/N smiled as she could tell how much this Becky cared about Missy.

"No problem I'll see you soon Becky." Y/N said and hung up. She got a text shortly after from this Becky. After getting ready for bed Y/N chuckled as Missy curled up on her chest. Y/N decided to snap a picture so Becky could see Missy was safe and sweet as ever.

"What was that Broon did someone finally find her?!” Kelley squealed

Becky chuckled and nodded excitedly “Yes! You’ll never believe where she was found!”

“Where Becks?” Christen asked.

“Denver! I mean she is literally the laziest cat ever but she travels hundreds of miles?!””

The team cracked up “Wait if she’s in Denver how are you getting her back?” Tobin asked.

“The girl who found her, Y/N offered to drive her down here to return her.” Becky grinned, she couldn’t be more grateful.

“Damn Broon, you haven’t even met the girl and she’s already willing to drive 16hrs for you! I say go for it!” Pinoe yells, causing Kelley, Sonnett and the youngins to laugh and Christen to smack the back of Pinoe’s head as Becky blushes.

Before Becker could say anything her phone dinged with a text. Becky opened the text and nearly swooned. There was simply a picture of Missy perfectly safe snuggled up and asleep on Y’N’s chest.

Becky was so happy to finally see Missy but She couldn’t take her eyes off the most gorgeous woman she has ever seen.

Her dark hair framed her face perfectly, her hazel eyes so amazingly intriguing to Becky.

She was snapped out of it when Ashlyn let out a whistle “Damn Broon she’s hot and seems to love animals as much as you do! I second Pinoe’s idea!” Ashlyn called as Ali smacked her arm and Becky realized that the team had crowded around her phone to look when she had been staring at the picture.

“Okay leave her alone.” Alyssa spoke up, glaring at the team, causing most of them to scatter.

“Thanks.” Becky said quietly to her best friend on the team, trying to will away her blush.

“They’re not wrong though you know, she should get here right around Thanksgiving Day. Why don’t you invite her to the team Thanksgiving party/dinner. If anything you’ll get another good friend.” Alyssa said calmly, just wanting her friend to be happy.

Becky shrugged as she considered her friend’s advice, it couldn’t hurt anything.

Before she could change her mind she texted the new contact in her phone, inviting Y/N to the team’s dinner.

Y/N texted her acceptance after Becky assured her that she wouldn’t be a bother.

Becky smiled at the message, she wouldn’t admit it to anyone except for maybe Alyssa, Christen and Ali but she was excited to meet the gorgeous woman who had saved Missy. Who knows maybe this whole CATastrophe could end well after all.

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Eighty-One

Words: 3.6K

Warning(s): Explicit language, drug abuse

Tag List: @unknownoblivion  @edwardtriggerhandzz  @haileynicoleseavey17  @cierrasixx19  @oskea93  @mgkobsessed  @sharon6713  @itsametaphorbriansblog  @miriampraez  @allie-mcginn @xpoisonousrosesx  @rebeccaphillips14  @nicholeh7 @lilmou5ie  @tamedhearts  @divaanya  @6ixx6ixx  @ratedrkohardychick91  @floregrohlssard  @oldschoolimagineblog  @thanks2pete  @abaldboi  @liith-ium  @jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels  @ytwahsog  @scarecrowmax  @random-internet-user-4471  @solohqrry  @sparxx27  @kaitieskidmore1  @cruecifymesixx    @meetthesixxter   @sublimeprincesswasteland  @arianareirg  @girlnight-terror

@fancywasmyname1  @teller258316  @ggorehorror  @blowinmeupwithherlove  @xrosegoldwolfx  @mylifeisjustafeverdream  @redlipscrystalskies14 @str4nge-haze @reigns420 @sixxseconds2love @leatherandheels @dogmom2014 @allyouneedislove-mp3 @n0-self-c0ntro1 @viinceneil

LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED

"Babe?" I call as I come in from the hottub, wrapped in a towel, holding my bottle of Pepsi. 

Duff's sitting on the couch when I come in, reaching his hand out to grab mine. 

"We're celebrating tonight," Duffs tells me, grinning around his cigarette, and I raise my brows. 

"For what?" I question him curiously. 

"It's been two months since we started dating." He replies. 

"And that's worth celebrating?" It comes out before I can stop myself and his smile slowly falters. 

"I think so, but if you don't want to—"

"—I didn't mean for it to come out like that, Duff." I tell him. 

"No, Viv, it's fine." He assures me. 

"I meant, we aren't really a couple, so—" I stop myself once more realizing the grave I'm digging myself as he looks at me with a slightly raised brow, blowing smoke from his nose. "—I'm gonna shut up. What time are we going out?" 

"Just whenever." He mumbles and I frown a little. 

"Duff, I didn't mean it like that, either, alright? I didn't think you actually considered us a 'couple' since I'm still technically married and you're like a mistress or something." I run a hand through my hair. 

"Well, we're having sex, we go out together, we have conversations about our future together, neither of us are seeing other people or have an interest in seeing other people—I assume—so, either we're dating or wasting each other's time." 

"Okay, we're dating." I say. 

"Are you sure?"

"Duff, seriously?" I question. 

"I'm dropping it." He ignores me, reaching for his cigarettes on the coffee table. "I gotta go grab a couple things from my apartment and I'll be back later."

"Alright." I reply, taking in a deep breath before mentioning, "hey if you get back and I'm not here it's because I'm gonna try to find Izzy a little later because we need to talk about something."  

"Alright, I love you." He kisses my hair quickly and grabs his keys. 

"I love you too." I tell him and he shuts the door. 

As soon as he's gone I'm rushing to the guest bathroom and opening the cabinet under the sink, grabbing the grocery bag of pregnancy tests that have yet to be taken. 

"God, if you love me…" I say, finishing the prayer in my mind.

Children are and always have been a blessing in my eyes, but that didn't mean I wanted a child then.

"Well, I'll be damned." Izzy mumbles, eyes squinting slightly, holding the test I plopped onto the bar in front of him as he peers into the little window of plastic, seeing another, "|" as opposed to the recent "||" we had seen on my first test. 

This is negative test number five of five taken over the course of three days…

"I'm not pregnant." I repeat to him, taking this last test as the set in stone reality. 

"Congrats, your gig isn't quite up, yet." He says, grinning crookedly and I roll my eyes as he throws back another shot before saying, "So, here ya go," he digs in his pocket and puts two condoms packets on the bar in front of me, making me shove at his arm, "you obviously don't have any." He states.

"I do, I just don't like using them." I reply, glancing around, seeing the coast is clear of anyone I know in the crowded room.

"You like living on the edge or something?" He questions, aggravating me. 

"I like..." I hesitate instead of brazenly saying what I want to. "...you know…" 

He furrows his brows and looks at me for a moment. 

"...You like what?" He asks me, genuinely not understanding and I sigh. 

"I like…that." I widen my eyes slightly for "that," hoping he catches on. 

Nothing. 

"I don't understand half of what you say so—"

"—I like cum." I rip the bandaid off and he spits his drink out, squeezing his eyes closed to brace the burn of whiskey through his nostrils as well. "And ya know what? It loses its appeal when it's gummed up at the bottom of latex." I add, just to gross him out more.

"Viv, I didn't need to know that!" He scolds me, groaning, rubbing his face. 

"Understand me now?" I sarcastically demand. 

"Ughh," he wrinkles his nose. 

"I like to feel i—"

"Shut up!" He covers his ears and I laugh. "Damn it, Vivian, go back to damn near leaving the room anytime someone mentioned sex." He complains. 

"I don't feel weird about talking to you about it because you're like a girl friend." I shrug and he glares at me. 

"I'm what?" 

"Like a girl friend." I restate and he raises his brows. 

"A girl friend?" 

"Yeah." I nod. 

"You really know how to break a man's balls without even thinking fucking twice about it." He gripes. 

"I didn't mean anything bad by that." I say, genuinely. 

"You don't tell a guy he's like a girl friend." He argues.

"Well, you are." 

"Are what?" Axl's voice is over the crowd and me and Izzy both snatch at the test before he grabs it and hides it in his jacket pocket. 

"Wondering what's going on with you and Tansy?" I change the subject quickly when he gets to us and he tries to hide his smile. 

"Don't worry about it." He states. 

Axl and Tansy, in a new-found relationship, were in a whirlwind of puppy love. So much so that not even a week later, Axl would propose and she would inevitably say, "yes."

"Where's Duff and the guys?" I ask Axl as he grabs a drink and sits beside Izzy and I, lighting a cigarette. 

"Steven's with some Cheryl chick, Slash is next door at the strip bar, and Duff…" he trails off, furrowing his brows, "...I don't know where Duff is." 

"Oh, well, we were supposed to go out tonight to celebrate our two month." I explain. 

"Well, I haven't seen him." Axl shrugs. 

"He said he was going to his apartment." I add. 

"Haven't seen him." He replies again and I sigh. 

"Okay, then, I'm probably gonna head home and just wait there for him." 

"He's staying with you?" Axl asks and I nod. 

"Yeah?" 

"In Nikki's house?" Izzy adds. 

"...Yes?" 

They look at each other and then look at me. 

"What?"

"Whore around much?" Axl comments, about to throw back his shot but I knock the glass from his hand and tiredly glare at him. 

"A lot, actually." I reply. "Screw you." 

I turn to go. 

"Viv, c'mon," Izzy sighs as Axl storms off. 

"No, I have some more whoring to go do while my husband's off." I tell him. 

"He's an asshole, Vivian, you know that." He says in reference to Axl but I just keep walking. 

When I get on the street, I head next door to see if he's by any chance with Slash.

Before I can head that way, I'm halting at the sound of a sharp whistle followed by, "God damn!" 

Getting ready to get arrested, again, I turn and my hostility melts away. 

Robbin's grinning at me.

"Where the hell have you been?!" I ask him as he walks to me. 

"I was gonna ask you the same thing." He states, hugging me. "I've seen all the shit in the press and figured you'd gone to Japan with Nikki to work things out or whatever." He adds. 

"There is no 'working things out,' Robbin." I reply and he furrows his brows. 

"What?" 

"I'm filing for a divorce when he gets back." I explain. 

"What? No, Viv, you can't do that, you guys are Nikki and Viv." He tells me. 

"No, we're Nikki and Heroin and Mistress and Viv." I smartly shoot back. 

"I hate that you guys gotta go through this." He admits. 

"Well, we got married knowing it might not work out." I shrug. 

"Yeah, but seeing you two being married and making it work got me to realize it's something I want, too, you know? I just didn't think it'd be like this. You two used to be obsessed with each other." He rubs the back of his neck, frowning a little. 

"Well, it is what it is, Robbin." I say.

"It's bullshit is what it is."

"Talk to him about it." I scoff. 

"Rob, c'mon!" A couple friends he's with call down the street and we both look in their direction. 

"Well, it was nice seeing you, we need to see each other more often, you know." I smile softly at him and he nods. 

"I hope things work out, Viv. I really do." He reassures me and I nod. 

"Thanks." 

"See ya later." He grins, patting my cheek before going to his buddies. 

"Later." I mumble as he goes.

I breathe out and head into the strip joint, not finding Slash or Duff or anyone I knew. 

I eventually give up and just go home because I need to finish decorating for Christmas, anyway. 

Hoping to find Duff at home, I instead come in to an empty house and a sleepy Whisky. 

"Hey, boy." I step to him and reach down, petting him, feeling a small ache in my heart realizing how much he's grown since Nikki first got him a few months ago. 

We were happy when he first got him. 

Now look at us. 

I force it out of mind and decide to get distracted with Christmas. 

I should've got a shower and gone to bed because I ended up getting thrown into a pit of heartbreak all over again whilst trying to find our star for the Christmas tree that I swore I had put in a closet at some point last year to move it out of the way…

"C'mon, you've got it be here somewhere." I mumble, digging around on the top shelf, my hand feeling something familiar. 

I furrow my brows and lift the random junk to see the Bible Nikki had gotten me for valentines day this year that had "gotten lost." 

The star is a distant memory as I grab the Bible and step off the step-stool I was using and innocently open it where the ribbon is tucked by the back cover.

I see a scribbling of Nikki's handwriting. 

Vivian, 

I don't know if it's offensive to write in one of these, but my place in hell is already solidified so I might as well piss God off some more. Sorry, I know you don't like when I say I'm going to hell even though we both know it's true. The one problem I have with where I'm fated to spend eternity, is that I know you won't be there. I realized this exactly one year ago. I came pretty close to being over with and I would be burning currently (or just laying in the fucking ground, or flying around as a reincarnated bird, whatever the hell happens to us when we go) had I not made it through. I know I'm scaring you with how much I do, Viv. I hear you talking to God about it when you pray. You're afraid I'm not going to wake up one day. I'm afraid, too. I know, right, Nikki Sixx is scared of something, who would've thought? I'm afraid I'm going to take my last breath without telling you how much I love you. I knew I loved you that night you snuck me into your window and asked me to help you bullshit that damn thesis paper for your final. That was six years ago, almost, and I wish I would have been telling you that I love you all along, maybe it would have changed the path of certain things that have happened. I'm sorry for what I've done, what I'm doing, and what I will do. It's my cross to carry. It's not your fault, it never has been, it never will be. I hope you can forgive me if I'm not here this time next year...if I don't get any better, I'll be in a coffin before our tour ends. Jeez, this sounds like a suicide note. I promise that's not why I'm writing this. I hope I'm around as long as you are. I hope we're together in the next life, whether it's as two birds that mate for life, pecking at each other's eyes, or our spirits just find one another. If God is real, all I'll need is for him to let me know you've made it up there and that you'll be okay, and I'll go to Hell and take the brimstone and fire for all the damage I've done. Just don't forget me, whatever happens. I won't ever forget you. I love you, Vivian. I won't ever forget you. I love you.

—Nikki

My body locks up, my joints tensing, my nose burning as tears come to my eyes...I start shaking, an uncomfortable lump clogging my throat...fury encapsulates me. 

I'm throwing the Bible at the wall, pulling at my hair, screaming and yelling incomprehensibly before finally choking out, "why didn't you tell me this?!" I bark at Nikki who's across the country and can't hear me. 

But I'm saying it loud enough that he probably could if he really tried. 

I guess a part of me might've considered staying with him had he expressed his feelings to me earlier on in our relationship. It's nice to hear, "I love you," even if someone doesn't mean it. 

I felt robbed. I felt I deserved for Nikki to tell me that before I found out about Vanity...before he started choosing drugs over me...before I started sleeping with someone else…

I lay down and just stare at the mirror ceiling looking back at me, an ugly crack causing my reflection to scatter in multiples. 

Nikki must've broken it at some point before leaving. 

I don't know what the point of getting a mirrored ceiling was...perversion or whatever, I suppose. But the money and time spent repairing the damn thing over the years…

I glance at Whisky, curled up on Nikki's side of the bed, talking in his sleep while his back legs twitch a little. 

Maybe he's actually reliving a good memory of Nikki. 

All I can think of is, 

"I got on it to help with my shoulder and finish my parts of the album so it would be ready in time." He tells me honestly.

"And your shoulder's healed now, Nikki. So why are you still bothering with it?" I ask, looking at him. 

"It's not like I'm injecting the shit, Vivian." He argues, getting defensive. "Go read your Bible or pray or something...anything."***

And,

I throw the syringe at him, screaming out, "when did you start doing this?!" as tears reappear in my eyes. 

I expect him to come fight me, he instead ignores my outburst and leans down to grab the box of needles.

I get up and follow after him, my hands shoving at his back, nearly causing him to trip over himself. 

"Answer my fucking question!" I demand him, my voice shaking. I get the reaction I want, the plastic of syringes and metal of needles colliding loudly with the wall when he throws the box of them angrily and spins around.

"Vivian, it's just recreational. It's not serious. I got it under control." He tries to defend himself and I close my eyes, realizing I'll never win.

Then, 

"Andy." I cry out, keeping my hands on Nikki's chest, but the Finnish rockstar keeps yelling back and forth with the dealer. "Andy." I repeat, louder, but he still doesn't hear me. "Andy!" I'm pleading in a holler, catching his attention. "I-I can't do this, I'm sick, just call an ambulance!" I beg and Andy heads to the phone hanging on the wall.

And,

"Vince, I'm scared." I say in a whisper.

"Viv, you guys are gonna be okay. I'm sure you'll find a way take fix things just to spite people saying you two won't last." He assures me, his hand rubbing comfortingly up and down my back. "Look at me." He says and I do, and he wipes at my tears. "It'll be fine, alright?" I nod. "Okay?"

"Okay." I reply, sniffling again.

Also,

I'm hitting the floor as fast as I can, screaming as my ears ache from the noise as he just starts shooting repeatedly, and the house shakes, my only chance of protection is getting under the bed and I rush to get there, covering my ears as my spine paralyzes with fear and more shots fire out. I hear things in our house breaking and shattering from  buckshot that flies through the open doorway as Nikki is shouting "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" with raw tears in his voice.

Then, 

"I'm getting married, look." Vanity states, taking her left hand out of Arsenio's hold and flashes a shining ring on her ring finger and my ears perk up, apparently Tansy's pulled from her drugged stupor, because her heavy eye lids pop open and her face pales when I look at her as I hear Arsenio comment, "okay, um, here's something for Jett magazine," going with the sudden turn of events presented by the starlet.

"Did you know she was engaged?" I ask Tansy and she's at a loss of words. "I didn't even know she was dating anybody." 

"Vivian." Tansy's tone is dreadful and I wait for her to tell me about it, Arsenio cracking jokes in the background, causing Vanity's enthusiastic laughter to infiltrate the room.

"This is a beautiful ring." He states, grabbing my attention once more. 

"Isn't it pretty?" Vanity agrees as he examines the rock on her finger. 

"You, didn't you--"

"--Nikki Sixx." She interrupts him, and my brows furrow even more, confusion taking over me.***

And,

"How could you do this to me?!" I cry out as he starts trying to walk to me, trying to keep his anger low, but I get away from him, throwing a hotel lamp at him, only for it to shatter on the wall behind him. "What did I do to make you hate me so fucking much, Nikki?! To make you pursue another girl--one of my friends--so fucking hard that you propose to her?! Am I just that fucking forgettable?!" I'm throwing dirty dishes Tommy's used tonight, all of them breaking when they miss Nikki by merely centimeters, hitting the wall. 

"Vivian, fuck it off!" He barks and I grab Tommy's switchblade off the nightstand, throwing it next, and it barely misses Nikki's face. 

"I hate you!" I say back. "I fucking hate you!"

Finally,

“What's new…" He says with a small smirk, thinking about something before the corners of his mouth fall slowly. "...I've done a lot of shit." He starts and I look at him. "Shit I'm not proud of. I don't fucking know when to just do something a little bit. I can't have a bump, I've gotta go through an eight ball as fast as possible. I can't have a drink, I gotta drink the place dry. I can't have a serious girlfriend, I've gotta marry her." He says, and I glance at him and he shakes his head. "I can't just have a one-night stand, I gotta have a fucking affair." He finishes and I lick my lips, keeping my tears back. "This might be fucked up, but I've realized I don't feel like I shouldn't have had anything with her." He says in reference to Vanity and I furrow my brows. "I just feel like we shouldn't have gotten married to begin with."

I decide to have mercy on myself, refusing to relive anymore of our memories--good or bad--because they don't matter anymore and I don't even give myself time to think about how he finally decided to tell me he loved me after six years of jumping through hoops trying to earn it from him. 

Careful not to wake the dog, I get out of bed, hearing Duff's car pull into the driveway, and glance at the clock. 

How is it already 4:00a.m.?

I can't help but feel butterflies in my stomach, excited to see him because I've missed him.

When he gets in, he braces himself against the doorway of the foyer, cursing under his breath when his feet dare to slip from underneath him. 

"Did you have fun?" I ask him softly, smiling at him and he slowly lifts his head to look at me. 

"Y-You're still up?" He asks me, rubbing his face and I chuckle, taking a step to him. 

"Yeah?" I reply, wrapping my arms around his waist…

...Noticing he's keeping his hand on his eyes as if he's rubbing them, and his lids are squeezed together. 

"Are you okay?" I ask next, reaching up to pull his hand away from his eyes but he stops me. 

"Yeah, baby, I'm fine, just go to bed and I'll be there in a second." He tells me calmly, slurring a little. 

"Duff, what's wrong?" I don't listen, not buying it for a second. 

"Viv…" he sounds disappointed. "Izzy'll be in here in a second." 

"Just look at me," I giggle and move his hand again and he hesitates for a second, before sighing, looking me in the eyes. 

I can't speak as pin-pointed pupils look down at me, the sudden smell of smack fumes on his clothes invades me, faint but still there.

I go to open my mouth to speak but I can't…

He's floating on heroin and my hopes of normality are drowned.

[rogue-ai-cat]

I grew up in a poor house. I grew up living a life where every time my family went to the store they would look at me before we left and say "don't ask for anything. We can't afford it"

When I was 13 I asked my parents for my first phone. The blackberry was the common phone then. Christmas and my birthday we're the only times of the year I was allowed to asked for things that cost money.

I got my mom's old phone. I don't even remember what it was. When it broke my dad collected broken phones from all his work friends and we fixed one up together. As the iPhone was becoming popular, I had a Motorola razor

My first computer was a Compaq Prescario from the 90s that my dad had gotten used for $40. It was full of porn mostly.

It didn't have the ram to support a web browser, so it was replaced with a cheap laptop that broke within weeks. I spent years spending multiple hours a day fixing the thing just to use it for an hour or so before bed.

When it finally gave up the ghost, My dad had to crowd fund my next machine.

I had to take odd jobs to pay for my own prom.

I'll have to pay for three years of college on my own

This is the life that I live.

I live a life where any product that can afford a TV commercial is too expenses for us to afford. I live a life where everything i buy gets hours and hours of deal hunting put into it.

My dad has a good job now. For the first time in my life we can afford to "spend a little more to get an item you'll never have to replace" instead of buying burner items on AliExpress because even that is splurging.

A few months ago my dad bought a new tv. It was the first luxury item I could ever remember my parents buying. It didn't survive the move.

My dad works a good job, but between taxes and other expenses, he only keeps $200 in his pocket every month. This move cost almost $4,000. It will put us a year further behind on paying off our credit card debt.

This is just my life.

My dad is 53. He will never make enough money to be able to retire.

This is just his life.

This is just life

I don't know what it's like to be able to buy a new sofa that isn't from Craigslist. I don't know what it's like to be able to afford a minimalist lifestyle. I don't know what it's like to have the equipment necessary for life to be convenient. I'm used to cutting my grass with a weed whacker because we can't afford a lawn mower that isn't push powered. I'm used to doing everything the hard way. The slow way, the inconvenient way, or not doing it at all

I've learned to hate the word "tomorrow" because it's always a lie. I resent the future. Optimism is a luxury I could never afford, and hope often drifts that way as well

This is my life

This has always been my life

Please get your advertisements out of my damn face. I don't want to know all the things I'll never be able to have.

[the-firebird69]

That sounds way up on our helmets and we designed them fairly well and the cycling wouldn't have rises and more and we have one that's like what our son has bought and it's because of the reason he said you don't get real protection there's a cycling helmet you just have these holes so it's miserable if you fall over for real you can all sorts of stuff in your head. It's all someone on the picture with a stick-throughs in his skull cuz you're going fast and we wanted to have real protection up on the bridge and other things where it could hit that pole. It's a huge deal in Utah's getting tons of attention and it makes sense and tomorrow morning is probably package actually and tonight will probably drop it down there cuz of this helmet it's dark helmet

Thor Freya

You're talking the whole time and he said the last part and you're putting his name what is that okay so I see that's very nice and I have colors for me and that's what I was happy about it it's probably Ellie now I know it's hard cuz I was helping and yeah there's a mauve one and you said I think it's on hold now you can order. Busy it's crowd of people trying to buy it and this giant numbers of orders and he can't fill them he can feel them in about a week which isn't bad and is adding machines now though and it's going to increase production tons of the cycling one that has holes cuz it's too hot the other one they said even in white but my son my husband he's Jesus, ok, he said it's winter coming up in about a week it's going to be cool and probably very cold it'll probably drop down here during the day to 50 and you want to have that fleece liner and on occasion and colder and at night very cool if he has to go somewhere maybe he has like real business to do and we can put the liner in the air things in his jacket and regular pants and long underwear he'd be fine and a lot of people don't think of that but a motorcycle helmets hot but this won't be that bad it's vented and take it out of this you know it's got some holes in it doesn't have tons but there's another point is that his head is getting hot from the Sun so you paint it out and take it off and stop going to be a little warmer but it's going to be actual protection and that's that's the trade off it will be cooler here shortly and a lot cooler that's something to keep in mind he knows about the abyss. It's much more pleasant being protected his current helmet sucks.

I'm pleased you got one and it also works there's a method and wow that's a lot of John Gallagher Dying. Huge piles of them and it's not really figuring it out also they said wait a minute we use a lot of bicycles can't you see I said we've been Emily blunt is doing it and it's because it's bullet resistant and they go what the hell and knife resistant and you know that guy Trump around you need both. Less holes. Also says it looks a little bit like a rebel helmet helmet and if you look at it close it looks like his helmet is he by so many. They added something outside of it.

Hera Zues

This is some idiot s*** don't use me having the damn movie I guess you can't help it

Jon

And Chris says Merry Christmas John

Ellie

Good

Jon

[itsnebulous]

BOND THROUGH BANDS

Well I know when you're around ‘cause I know the sound I know the sound, of your heart... bzzz bzz bzz

I woke up by the annoying vibration of my alarm, I checked the time and good lord my alarm has been buzzing for about half an hour now! I don't remember snoozing it off but damn my train for London leaves in 20 minutes. My earphones are tangled all over my neck. I could literally hear my mum inside my head saying “You should not sleep with your earphones on Bailee!” I'm sorry mum but your loving daughter just did. I must have fallen asleep again while on my phone last night. It has become my habit now to pass out while scrolling through my socials, I mean that's just pure talent. Music is my thing but not in the way that I'm great at instruments. It's just that I love listening to bands.

As I hurry to the bathroom to take a shower, I tripped over my sketchbooks. I don't remember my flat being this messy. Dirty clothes are piling on the chair beside my disastrous closet, books are everywhere on the dusty carpet. The only thing in order are my shelves of books and music albums which is also now getting dusty. Surprisingly the kitchen area is clean, maybe because I am always out at the city to eat out with my classmates after school. I got out of the shower with ten minutes to spare. I have no time for my indecisiveness on what clothes to wear so I pulled off my go-to outfit. I tucked my favourite yellow sweater on my jeans and put on my worn out Converse then grabbed my coat that is hung on the back of my door before sprinting to the elevator.

As I got out on the streets, tourists are everywhere, typical for Brighton though even if it's freezing cold. But today is warmer, the sun is actually out which is very unusual for December. I'm almost near at the station when Lily texted me:

“BAILEE WHERE ARE U?!”

But before I can even type my answer, she called

“Sis the train is about to leave in two minutes” I can imagine with her tone how pissed she is at me.

“I’m almost there. I’m like twenty steps away”

“That better be not a lie”

“I swear it's not- and oh she already hang up”.

We made it to London without having a fight. She is already used to my shenanigans on my morning routines which always make me late. Lily is just pressed that I missed breakfast with her at the cafe.

“Why on Earth are you late this time my beloved friend? Bet you had your concert again while in the shower”, she said sarcastically.

“Oh stop it, you know I can't miss my singing ritual whilst in the shower”, I teased her.

“Also, I'm not late duh I made it exactly at 8 am”. Lily has always been the early bird kind of friend during meet ups and I am most certainly the buzzer beater type.

Roaming around the city of London is always my favourite. I have lived here three years ago when I first came to England yet every time I walk along its streets and pass by its shops, I keep falling in love like it's the first time. The telephone booths are still class even though no one uses it. Everything about this city is so aesthetic. Lily and I spent half of the day going through some of the places London is known for as if we are tourists.

“It's ridiculous that I've lived in London most of my life but still haven't ridden this until now". We are now inside a carriage on top of the London eye.

“ I can't say the same. I mean I lived here only a few years back and I even barely go out then but it's never too late to be a tourist you know”.

The view on top is amazing, cityscape and sunset is picture perfect. I just wish that I am seeing this with Matty right now if he hadn't left me. I guess this is it again, I have fallen on my whirlpool of grief that keeps dragging me down. It's been years but why didn't I learn to handle the pain.

2 years ago...

London street is busy as ever yet the holiday spirit is very alive. Every one on the city is on their layered coats as it is freezing cold. It's two more weeks until Christmas and the shops are all packed with those who are gift shopping. I am probably the most loneliest person in London because I actually have no one to celebrate Christmas with as I just moved. I have Lily and our friends but they’re all going home for the holidays.

Today is the last day of school before our Christmas break so we planned a night out at Winter Wonderland.

“Here's the thing Bailee, a Christmas holiday of a typical London resident wouldn't be complete without a night here", Millie said as we walk toward the entrance of the giant Christmas carnival. Millie is my street smart friend who always got my back the first time I got in London.

“Really?”, and as I ask this I confirmed what Millie just said, the place is crowded and sparkly with its lights. The people are in their high spirits as they are in queue for the rides. I could never be that person who is excited for the rides. Before I even know it, my friends are already in line calling me to join them.

“BAILEE AREN'T YOU GOING TO JOIN US?”, Josh screamed.

“ I'D RATHER WATCH YOU FROM HERE. I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS.”, I answered. The music is getting loud now from what I hear from the people passing by is from the beer tent.

“ARE YOU SURE???” asked Lily looking concerned.

“YEAHHHH, MEET YOU AT THE BEER TENT MAYBE?”

I barely heard their answer but I'm sure I heard Millie say “oh she'll do just fine, she can manage now". Thanks Millie for your confidence but I am actually anxious going alone inside the beer tent. But I am eager to see what's going on in there because I can hear a band playing.

There's a reason why I never returned your calls I wish I could forget it all But I never returned your calls ‘Cause I'd fall again.

“Holy cow they are singing a Blossoms' song" , I whispered to myself out of excitement.

I made my way in front of the crowd. The people inside the tent are all chattery and loud but I could only hear the song playing, my favourite song. I caught the vocalist' attention maybe because of my aggressiveness to get in front. I got lost on his gaze, his deep blue eyes melted me, the curls of his hair is so soft. It is their last song to play. After they played, he went to sit beside me which is weird because we don't even know each other.

“Hi” he said shyly.

A cute band vocalist who is a stranger just talked to me, how am I supposed to reply. “Hello?”

“You sound so confused" he said giggling.

“Uhmmm yes? I am confused because a stranger who just sung my favourite song is talking to me out of context”, I blurted out.

“Oh I actually approached you because of your reaction while we were playing ‘your favourite song’ "

“Why so?”

“Because it's so obvious that you really like the song and you were the only one here who seems to appreciate it. Does it remind you of someone?”

“Honestly no, I just really love it. The tune, its lyrics is just perfect for me.”

“Guess we are the same then".

After my weird moment with that guy, my friends finally came to have a beer. Mr. Stranger was about to leave when I asked his name.

“It's Matty”

That's how Matty and I started. After that night, he invited me to watch shows and gigs. The drive back home is always my favourite. We take detours just to spend more time talking about each other with good music on the background.

“Cityscapes are just beautiful, aren't they?” I said while looking out the window.

“Not as beautiful and bright as you”

“Stop being so cute please”, that's the only reaction I could do with his smooth cheesy lines.

As months of hanging out together goes by, we fall deeper and deeper with each other. Matty gave my room a make over. Ever since I moved in London my flat doesn't look like home so he gave it an artistic touch. He painted the walls, built me a desk and shelves. We also hung posters of our favourite bands. After redecorating my room, it now feels home and cosy. He stayed until midnight so that we could listen to the new album of the 1975 together.

“I guess this could be our new jam then" he said with enthusiasm in his eyes.

“I love the idea", I answered.

I knew he was already sleepy when he said goodnight before driving back home. I didn't want him to drive anymore because it's already late but he insisted because he's worried about his sister so I let him.

“Call me when you get home ok? Drive safely”

“Ok I love you” he said.

I don't recall the next months after. It is as blurry as when my tears won't stop falling for him. Matty have left me. Matty never returned my calls not because he's scared of falling again for me. He never returned my calls because he's gone. How I wish we could've said our goodbyes. I should've said I love you too while I still can. But it is all too late now.

Matty is the reason why I moved to Brighton. Everything about London reminds me of him especially at this time. He once asked me to ride the London eye with him but I refused because I was scared and anxious.. What I did not know is could never see this view with him anymore. I should have said yes back then but my anxiety ate me. Up until now his memory still haunts me even in Brighton. I never had the courage to clean up my room because I keep remembering when he decorated my room. Now I can finally say that ‘There's a Reason Why (I Never Returned Your Calls) by Blossoms reminds me of someone.

Before I even get drowned by my whirlpool of grief, Lily brought me back to reality.

“Bailee are you alright?”

“Yeah I think I am"

I still find parts of you. In the corners of my bedroom. Someday comes too soon. The radio plays our favourite tune again.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Tess

A nice pre-Christmas argument

Tess joined the chat 2 hours ago Ali: Mamacita! How's tricks? Did you manage to get the gum out of Rocky's hair in the end or is he rocking a no.1 rn? Tess: It's hat season he'll be fine. It's your da you need to worry about if he doesn't get those bloody Christmas decs out Ali: At least you'll be saved the toxic fumes of the nit shampoo, like. I'll make him some earmuffs, ears like that, he'll get frostbite. Ali: Aww, leave off, he's got a bad back, like 😜 Ali: Caleb can come help with the heavy shit, he's like an ox, I'll be creative director, obvs, I've got the eye, he's got the body Ali: 😉 Tess: I hope you've got plenty of wool 'cause the dog got to ours and its a bloody state. He'll have a bad head to go with it in a minute. Nah you're alright bab Tommy's offered and Drew might as well make himself useful now he's sniffing round again. Ali: Well, there goes your classic jumper presents! Have to brave dem crowds, fight a bitch for the last...idk, what do kids even want these days? Last I heard from Rock mutant turtles and power rangers were back in vogue but they're probably out again, its been a week or so 😏 Contrary fuckers, eh? I was NEVER that bad, was I? Bet you wish you could relieve those easy years raising me, the dream child 😇 Ali: Alright then, though I wouldn't recommend confining Tommo and Drew to a space as small as the loft, T is gunning for him Ali: aren't we all? but hey 🤷 see if those muscles are just for show ay Tess: He's still on about that slime bollocks. Supposedly this stuff blows bubbles and expands or whatever. All I'm bothered about is that it says it ain't sticky. Better sodding not be. Ha! If you weren't being a little demon you were trying to raise them. Easy ain't the word love! Tess: I'll put Drew at the bottom of the ladder. Maybe some of the boxes'll land on his head. Knock some sense into the lad. Ro too seeing as she's never far. Ali: That shit is such a rip-off though, I could make him some dead cheap, tell him he can have it whatever colour, whatever random shit he wants in it, and no one else will have the same at School Ali: Save your money for the feast 💃'cos I won't be absolutely stuffed from my first xmas dinner, like, nah Ali: and demons need love too, ma, just ask Ro Ali: will he be joining us for meal numero dos? cos i don't think i can stomach 2 helpings of him in one day tbh Tess: Tell him yourself. I tried to make some with him in the summer and the ungrateful little sod wouldn't even come sit up the table. His loss. They loved it at work. Tess: Don't. That girl'll do me in one of these days . I'm surviving on spite by now 'cause he'll be eating with us over my dead body. Caleb's lot are welcome to keep him. Ali: I'm tellin ya get the kid some prescription speed, it'll do him wonders 😂 Well, that's another idea fucked...tis the season! Ali: I know, it ain't even funny at this point. Ali: You know she's gonna wanna go see him, yeah? You'll never get her to sit through games and shit telly once she's picked at her veg Ali: Its like kid swap up in here Tess: If I can get some what's on her plate into her instead of just the dog I'll be laughing. Fuck's sake. Kids who'd celebrate 'em? Grandkids on the other hand. Mary'd have been proper buzzing for that. Ali: Oi, woman! I'm right here Ali: and the giver of majority grandkids, so, think on, love Tess: You're even stevens kiddo. Keep it that way 'til you're done with uni yeah? Call that the xmas gift that keeps giving. Ali: yeah but a twofer ain't the same, is it? 😜 don't make promises i can't keep, ma Ali: engineering students are so fit, how will i resist? Tess: Tell that to Bea. I'm sure she'd have plenty to say back. Ali Mckenna don't test me there's plenty of room in the car when we go for Tommo's new specs I can get you in too. Ali: Yeah, yeah, she can lord it over me with her efficient vagina, getting it done in one, I'll be many bucks fizzes deep by then, give a shizzle Ali: Gurl, my vision is 20/20, in my third eye too, ooOOoOoOOOo Ali: Maybe Beatrice will prove again why she's your favourite daughter by distracting Ro so much with this London visit she won't have time to pine over Drew at all, happy days Tess: That's the spirit. Save your dad's back. He still thinks he's a brawler. Tess: Shh I don't have favorites I'm not one of your teachers. Tess: I'm sure Drew'll stay one text away throughout. Never off her phone now is she. Ali: Ahh, old man could still take him, Drew's a pussy Ali: I'll get Marlene round again lmao Ali: Suuuuuuuuuuuure ya don't 😏 Ali: We can only assume texting is a medium in which he really shines, 'cos seeing them IRL, doesn't make sense, so... Tess: Now that girl is a fave, thinking 'bout it. Yeah I like her. Tess: He must know his selfie angles or some shit. Tess: You tell me I'll never see the appeal. Ali: oh, sweet mama, if only you'd voiced your preference sooner, maybe i'd of married her and had lots of gaybies instead Ali: alas 🤣 Ali: you sound 100, do you feel it? 😉 Ali: he's a vessel for her hopes and dreams, init, but he ain't, he just needs to man up and move the fuck on so she can too Tess: Like you've ever listened to your ma. Double it and you ain't close, bab. I'm in those vampiric numbers here. Tess: Yeah. Maybe try telling her that. Ali: You wish you were a vampire. Which, tbh, is telling of how old you is. Ain't nothing cool about being a basement dwelling weirdo who can't sample the wonder and joy of garlic bread. Ali: Why don't you? Oh wait, cos it ain't for either of us to say it so we'll just sit here like bitter old lemons Ali: You're a bad influence, lady Tess: If that's what you think about vampire lore then I ain't gonna even waste my breath young'un. Tess: I have, cheers. I ain't sitting on my arse doing fuck all for you lot even if that's what you reckon. Tess: Exactly. Learn a lesson. Ali: Mhmm, go tell it to the lost boys 'cos I don't give a damn, I'm getting doughballs baby Ali: Pshhh, well fat lot of good its done, why you setting me up to fail then?! Ali: I know when to bow out gracefully Tess: I don't need to 'cause we'll all be snacking. If you'd watched that movie when I offered you'd know garlic don't work in that verse. Tess: There's nothing graceful about tapping out with a fight left to finish. I thought you'd been set up to go 'til the final bell but do what you've gotta do. Or don't. Tess: There's plenty of other shit stuck to the fridge singing your praises like Ali: No thank you, there's watching some lame for jokes, then there's forcing yourself to endure kiefer sutherland and co Ali: That's sadism. Ali: Well, there's nothing graceful about kicking a girl when she's down Ali: going blow for blow ain't always the right approach, is it? not with someone like Ro so don't start alright Tess: Lame? And you wonder why you ain't my fave. Tess: Helping your sister up is always the right approach if you don't want her to stay down. Tess: I'm not starting anything. I've said my piece. End of. Ali: C'mon, I know even Joe couldn't pretend to like it, like Ali: That's my point, she ain't fell yet, she's on a Drew-related high so pardon me from not trying take the rug from up under her Ali: not that I could if I tried, like I said, what good has you 'saying your piece' done? Ali: sometimes all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces after, that's just facts Tess: You all take after your da is why. No taste none of ya. Tess: It's done me a lot of good being able to get it on the record each time, cheers. Tess: sometimes that's a cop out 'cause you want a easy life Tess: Fact is there's plenty that could have been done before he did his reappearing act. Ali: Oh, yeah? Like what? Changing her entire worldview in time for tea? Ali: If it was that easy, you would've managed it by now Ali: Don't be so hard on yourself, your not doing her, or any of us, a favour with this shit Tess: He's a dealer it is that easy. It ain't my job to manage it though. You all wanna be treated like adults and have me wipe your arses for you at the same time I think not. Do yourself and her, a favor and use that big brain of yours. Ali: You think she doesn't know? Now who's being thick Ali: She doesn't care, so unless you're planning to cop shop him that means sweet fuck all doesn't it Tess: It ain't about what she knows. Last I checked he's not the only dealer in Dublin. There's still some honor among scumbags and more than one way to get caught out. Ali: Aww, such a softie at heart, ain't ya? Tess: Takes one to know one. Ali: That is one small step above 'I know you are but what am I?' Ali: No one wants Drew to get kneecapped or Ro to be collateral but he wants to be treated like an adult, so we can't wipe his arse, can we? Tess: Speak for yourself I'd spend my reddies to see that. However bad he thinks he is there's always someone worse and the sooner he learns it the better for all of us having to watch him play silly beggars Tess: Ro's worth a million of him maybe when she's grown up she'll know it. Ali: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're such a hard bitch. Maybe if he'd got proper help from people like you he woulda turned out better when he was grown too. Ali: It ain't too late for either of them. Tess: I'm what I've had to be. I can't save 'em all. Not even close. You'd be well to stay away from him if you've still got the sense you were born with. Ali: Yeah but you still try, don't you? Read back your previous wisdom for your answer there. Ali: Bit hard when we live in the same gaff isn't it but I can assure you I'm not going out of my way to be his bestie, mother Tess: I ain't about to flog a dead dog. He ain't a stupid kid anymore and what happened when he was a little 'un ain't an excuse either Tess: Nobody's got it easy. Tess: It's up to him to work out if his turning point's come and gone or if he even reckons he needs one. Ali: You don't have to but you can see the pretense Ro is working under, yeah? She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong and, arguably, she ain't. But sometimes all you get for your efforts is a kick in the teeth. Ali: Nobody's got it easy. Ali: It's up to HER to call time, not us. Tess: Who says? I've been there. Thinkin I had it all and knew even more about my future with my dream boy. Nobody came to clue me in but even now I wish they fucking had done. Ali: Like you'd have listened. Tess: If I had someone who gave a shit maybe Tess: She'd listen to you. Ali: Say you had, would you have done anything differently? Even if you knew how it'd go, if you didn't have Ronnie, you might still be with Josh now Ali: It changes everything about you Ali: I don't think she would. There's no reasoning because there is no reason, or rhyme for that matter Tess: Of course I would. I'd do everything differently. I'm not trying to romanticise who I was. Or am. Tess: Change ain't no bad thing when it comes to this. Or me Tess: Because you don't wanna think that she would and deal with all the shit that comes with her doing that. I don't blame ya but that don't make it right Tess: it's still a cop out. Ali: Well, I hope it soothes YOUR soul villainizing yourself because as someone who's half you, it's not something that is helpful, at all. Ali: Who's been there for her after every break-up? Who has to listen to every fucking detail? It ain't been you. And I can assure you I didn't spend those times when he was out of the picture singing his fucking praises. I HAVE told her. Everyone has. It just pisses you off that you can't fix this, or her. Tess: You're all you. Your own person. End of. Tess: And it should help you to know the truth. I was a bad person Ali and I ain't exactly sainted now. I do my best that's all any of us've got. Deal with it. Tess: I'm sorry you want a gold star or pat on the head for doing what you're supposed to for who you love. You're not getting it from me. Try your luck with your da maybe. Tess: And yeah it does piss me off so what? Ali: That isn't close to being true. There's no such thing as an individual, sorry to burst your bubble. Ali: And no one is one or the other. Christ, you're so fucking old testament. Ali: If your going in for all that shite, you should look at how revered a knocked-up teenage girl is whilst you're at it Ali: No one gives a shit about your war stories, they don't help anyone but you so you keep all that anger and hold it tight 'cos none of us are here for it any more Ali: Good luck trying to get Rocky to sit still so you can tell him all about damnation to scare him straight, good fucking luck Tess: You're not gonna change my mind. If you were anything close to being half of me we wouldn't be having this conversation. Tess: Life's black and white for me. That's what happens when you don't have choices. Call it what you like. Tess: And there's nothing to be preached to me about being a knocked up teen by you or anyone else. I ain't trying to either you just think it's that onesided 'cause you never listen Tess: There you go again speaking for everyone else when you mean yourself. But whatever. Tess: Get your own stories and leave mine out of it. Tess: Grow up, Ali. Ali: Now there's a copout if I ever heard one. Ali: Listen to what? What are you spouting but hot air? Ali: Oh, yeah? What one of your sainted children has benefitted? Ronnie hates you, Joe's a junkie, me and Fraze did exactly what you did. Ali: Tommy is passable but he's unhappy as fuck so, well done there. You've only got one left. Ali: What's the point? No one can ever match up to your infinite wisdom, I'd rather stay young so I knew what the hell I was talking about instead of making myself look like an old fool