#can't be happy. its not wven about the money i just feel so fucking worthless
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#vent tw#i am so fucked up i cant even handle it. i don't even know who i am. im so fucking stupid and every day its being proven time and time again#im the stupidest kid in all of my fucking classes and everyone must think im so dumb. i used to be at the top and ive fallen so hard. last#year i had the top average in my grade and this year i can't even get a fucking 90 in english#im so fucking stupid. i have the lowest mark ive had in math for all of highschool. my english mark is in the eighties and i can only#manage a 94 in french. now the one scholarship i actually had a chance at went to my best friend who's marks are over 2.6% below mine and i#can't be happy. its not wven about the money i just feel so fucking worthless#everyone is going to look at him and think he's better than ke and i can't handle that. i just want to be seen as smart again#its literally all i have and i feel like it fallong away from me so fast. im nothing without it. i have to be the best and im not. i dont#know what to do when im not. i can't change anything this is all so final and important im falling apart.#i can't stop crying i just feel so stupid and worthless i cant do it anymore. i don't want friends if theyre better than me#and thats so so bad but its true. i canthandle it. i just need to be the best. im such a terrible fucking person that i couldn't even show#my best friend that i was happy for him because i wasnt. hearing that fucking crushed me and if i talked about it i would've cried and thats#so fucking mean. i value being better than everyone more than i value mt actual knowledge and i fucking know this#it hasnt actually been about learning or being smart for years#i have nothing else going for me and looking smart by a bunch of stupid numbers and achievements is the only thing that allows me to live#with myself. without being better than everyone im nothing. im so fucking disgusting but its all i have and its crumbling and im spinning#and all i wanted was for him to go to the same university as me but i wish he wouldn't have so i could have won and i would never have to#see him again. i have to live with this for four years#each year his stupid fucking scholarship will renew and ill have nothing#he's going to be better than me and achieve more. he actually has passion and determination. im just a gifted kid riding on her abilities to#feel superior - and now rhat i actually have to put in work and im not the best i literally don't know what to do. i can't live with myself
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