#can’t express how glad I ended up with not only a queer therapist but a young one

[elusiveclownbox]

mentioned baldurs gate to my therapist and they said they’ve heard so much about that game and specifically astarion that it’s almost as if they’ve had him as one of their patients,,,,😭😭

[treesap-blogs]

“The Lesbiana’s Guide To Catholic School” review! this. might be kind of turning into a book account lol

Hello, Tumblrians! While I don’t have a very big following at the moment (only one of my followers is legit, the others are bots)(seriously, leave me alone p^rn bots), and I can’t say popularity is what’s motivated me to continue doing these reviews, my last one was a blast to write so I’m doing one for my most recent read; A Lesbiana’s Guide To Catholic School by Sonora Reyes! 

Equal parts hopeful and gut-wrenching, Sonora Reyes writes what I believe is a truly impactful story about learning to find(and express) your truth, and how difficult that is for a person who is marginalized in multiple ways. This was also one of the first books I’ve read to have the main character completely crush any opportunities of rushed, half-assed third act redemptions for other characters! (Very glad that we didn’t have any of that, especially with the offenses committed by other characters in a story like this! A different piece of queer media, The Prom, really pissed me off with its unrealistically optimistic ending of basically everyone making up after being homophobic to the main character and her girlfriend, and I’m glad they did not do it here.) I’m not really a fan of stories that largely focus on romance instead of having it as a side plot, but here I didn’t mind it! Perhaps it’s because it was queer(in comparison to the heterosexual romance books I’ve read), perhaps it was because of its importance as part of Yamilet’s coming out story. (Also I was like..squealing and stuff at Yamilet and Bo’s relationship they were the cutest!) And although I have never been part of the Catholic nor Christian faith like Yamilet, much less go to a Catholic school, I really resonated with a lot of her internalized homophobia. (Perhaps it was due to having Catholic and Christian beliefs surrounding me during the course of my elementary school years? Huh.) (Saving that dissection for my therapist not Tumblr though.)

-SPOILERS! Tw for discussions of su!cidal ideation and mental health.-

Reyes also writes in their list of content/trigger warnings before the story that they tried to write about all of their subject matter with the utmost care, something that they definitely followed throughout the course of the book. One of these topics was mental health, something that was discussed not overtly in the beginning of the book, but became crucial to the plot once Cesar was revealed to be su^cidal. His struggle was extremely realistic(something that caught me off-guard as someone who also struggles with their mental health), to the point where I found morbid humor in him using lighter vocabulary to discuss finding coping mechanisms when he’s starting to spiral again. While I wasn’t surprised by the reveal of him being depressed (there were signs of it during a particular scene in the book that made me concerned), it probably shook me up just as much as Yamilet because goodness, the fourth-fifth of the book was intense. I literally didn’t want to stop reading it because I was so concerned and I needed to know he got better.

(How much can I talk about that kind of subject matter on Tumblr before I get shadowbanned or taken down?! Shoot, guess I’m about to find out!)

I think that’s all spoilers-related that I want to cover?

-END OF SPOILER DISCUSSION.-

Anyhow, I can’t really name any significant flaws with this book? It didn’t feel like everyone did a complete 180 and supported Yamilet(and, I guess spoilers but not really?, her girlfriend Bo), the book was clear about that being only a portion of the conservative Catholic school she goes to, and the parts of the plot about culture(being disconnected or connected to it), racism, and homophobia felt very realistic. It’s what made this a bit difficult subject-matter-wise but also well-written.

A whopping ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐/5 :)!

(And before I go, I will also need to figure out how to remove my bot followers, even if it will taint my ego.)

Paz, signing off. 👋

(Book trigger/content warnings are listed inside but include: Deportation and immigration, experienced racism, homophobia, self harm, suicidal ideation and the hospitalization of a character.)

[despisydraws]

Okay, so this went from headcanons to a one-shot draft real fast and I'm 100% not sorry to fill your entire timeline with trans Courfeyrac's first meeting with the Amis and his coming-out story

Enjoy this mess of a bullet point half-oneshot that has somehow gotten the length of 1,7k words, with no beta because we die like men

-It took Courf quite a long time to figure out what it was that made him so uncomfortable with himself and even once he came to conclusion he just tried to repress it

-He used to dress in extremely feminine clothes (mostly out of fear that nobody would want him anymore otherwise)

-Yep, right, he was super scared of being alone in the world and he constantly needed the assurance that he was needed

-He had a bunch of super shitty boyfriends who treated him like dirt and only wanted him as a status symbol, to have 'a hotter girlfriend than the others'

-He was so tired of being cheated on and used, but he felt so alone and helpless that he tried to hold on to every. single. one. of those douchebags

-That made them even greater assholes, of course, like a confidence boost (disgusting)

-He got rid of them only by them getting rid of him, what happened after a fairly short time (because 'He was just so clingy' and 'they never wanted a long-term relationship they just wanted some fun') (I repeat: disgusting)

-After an especially bad breakup, which he reasoned by himself not behaving enough as the girl he should be ('shitty-ex also said that, so it's true, right?'), his almost frantic femininity got even worse

-That was the phase in which he met Combeferre

-Courf was sitting in the corner of a very empty cafe, staring into his cup without drinking

-Ferre has to deal with the Amis, so he's kind of a hobby-therapist, he came over immediately and asked to sit with him

-He just sensed that something was off about 'the girl who constantly shoves her beautiful long curls back as if they were tiny snakes trying to bite her, who kneads the hem of her short dress nervously, trying not to let anyone see, who shifts her feet in her heels as if she stood on needles' - it reminded him of Enjolras, but in less furious and more hurt

-They chat a little and Ferre gets him to attend one of the amis' meetings

-They go there together, there is a mirror in the corridor of the cafe next to the coat rack, where Courf stops dead and just gazes at what has become of him

-Ferre just tries to calm him by saying 'don't worry, you look wonderful.' And Courf immediately clenches his jaw, because 'oh, great, another one of those guys...'

-Anyway they attend the meeting and Courf is absolutely in awe over Enjolras, about his strength and confidence, generally just his aura which is almost visible to him, red and burning

-Feuilly, who is a hobby-hairdresser and cuts cuts the hair of all of the Amis for free, takes one look at him and immediately goes "wooow, I'd love to cut your hair, can I cut it? Look at all those cool and sexy hairstyles over here *gestures to Bahorel* and here *gestures to Joly who grins and waves at him*, okay, over here I messed up *gestures to Bossuet, who notices Courfs mortified expression and goes 'no, don't worry, I'm naturally bald he's just joking!'* and Feuilly laughs and goes on with his rambling" but Courf is like 'no way, you're not gonna touch my hair, wtf?' And he avoids Feuilly because he has a vague feeling that the redhead is a huge creep...

-Enjolras takes one look at Courf and then turns to Ferre with a raised eyebrow

-They have something like a telepathic discussion about Courf, Ferre desperately wants to keep him because he just feels that it's right but Enjolras can't stand him because his behavior seems so fake (he can't get behind it yet, he tends to judge people immediately, like an instinct, and he really doesn't want a 'little prom queen Ferre wants to go off with' in his activist group. He should really know Ferre a little better than that, given the fact that they grew up together, and know that he's got his reasons, but Enj had a very bad day so he goes with whatever his mind tells him)

-Courf gets along quite alright with the others, especially with Bahorel, Grantaire and Jehan (even though he thinks they're a little weird) and 'that Joly is cute I guess'

-After the meeting they all get ready to go home and most of them have left already, Jehan suddenly comes up to him and hugs him deeply, saying how much they wish for Courf to stay with the group

How? How could anyone resist that?

-So Courf comes back a few times and when they plan to go on vacation with the group to strengthen the team spirit and mayyybe just have a chill weekend for once Courf is already included in the plans without them even asking him

-They go by train to a summer cottage Jehans parents own at the coast of Spain, right at the beach

-Courf shares a room with Grantaire and Joly and Bossuet, Enj and Ferre share a smaller room and Jehan sleeps with Feuilly and Bahorel on a huge extendible couch

-Let's say this is at a point where Courf has already gotten so much queer influence from this group that he is just confused and absolutely can't tell anymore who he is, because, apparently it's okay to not feel the same way your body lookw?? But that's colliding with everything he learned from the shitty douchebag boyfriends and his clique he had a few years ago????

-His mind is absolutely overwhelmed and he doesn't know what to do anymore, the assumption he had about himself is proving true at an alarming speed and he can't repress it anymore.

-Even though his is with such an open minded group now, he still fears to be cast out once he opens up

-He fears that they would think he was shamming himself again to fit in more ('I presented myself so different when he first met them, it would be strange, right? It would seem like a lie if I told them!')

-He sleeps less and cries a lot, this holiday should have been relieving but it has become the horror to him

-Everytime he sees Joly and Bossuet kissing, everytime Enjolras lifts his shirt in the heat, showing his scars and Grantaires' longing gazes, he excuses himself. He sits in the bathroom quietly, staring at the wall, until a person comes along who has to use it

-One night he can't take it anymore

-There's Grantaire and Bossuet snoring to both sides of him and Joly shifting in his boyfriend's arms the entire time, sometimes pressing a pillow on his face to stop the noise

-There is too much sound, too much movement around him so the thoughts that need to be thought, if not at daytime, then at least at night, get even louder

-He stands up with his blanket underneath one arm and quietly leaves the room into the dark hallway. His knees are shaking and all he wishes for is to break down on the floor but his body just can't pass that point of desperation, so he stumbles around until his hands find the next doorhandle and pushes it

-There is a muffled voice, saying "Don't even try it, Jehan, I hid your notebook. Go to sleep, write that thought down tomorrow..."

-When there is no reaction a bedside lamp is switched on, revealing Combeferres sleepy face

- "Ferre, turn the goddamn light on one more time and I'll kill you" Enjolras grunts from the other bed, turning his back to the room

-Combeferre just quietly signs for Courfeyrac to lay down next to him after he took one look at his face and he does (Ferre is after all still the one he trusts most)

-He crawls underneath Ferres blanket and buries his face against the latter one's chest and then everything just starts streaming out of him, all of his thoughts, all of his feelings, he just talks about everything for the first time

-As he ends there is silence and Combeferre places a kiss on his head when he starts to cry again

-Enjolras just quietly apologizes for being rude to him all the times before and stands up, moving over to the two of them

-He starts to tell Courfeyrac the story of his own coming out, how he got kicked out by his parents and had to move out of the city and live with Combeferre and something about the story calms him down

-He falls asleep sandwiched between Ferre and Enj after they had to promise to not tell anyone about it yet

-The next night he feels better but he is still restless

-He's up again, quietly shifting to the living room where he shakes Feuilly awake

C:"Can you help me with something?"

F:"Sure, what is it?"

C:"Cut my hair..."

-Feuilly is out and about in an instant and soon there is light in the kitchen, Courf is sitting on a stool they found in a small storeroom and Feuilly comes in with a grin and a pair of scissors

-The next morning the others almost don't recognize him anymore, if not because of his looks then because of his aura. He is genuinely happy for the first time in what feels like an eternity

-Even Enj is grinning when he sees him and stands up from the table where they are eating breakfast, putting an arm around his shoulders

"Listen here my boy, you don't know what danger you just put yourself in. Look at them, they're all gay and ready to eat you alive"

-The entire table bursts in chaos, Joly spits out his juice, Bahorel is screaming from the top of his lungs, Grantaire is muttering "I'm so in love, I'm so in love, I'm so in love" over and over again and Bossuet jumps up from his chair so suddenly it falls over "Enjolras made a joke?! Enjolras is funny?! My life is a lie!"

-Courfeyrac just laughs with them, glad that Enjolras saved him from all the awkward questions for now

-He sits down next to Combeferre and shoots him a small look

"Are you also, you know... gay and ready to eat me alive?" He chuckles and Combeferre turns his head into his direction with an amused smile "Eating you would be a little harsh, don't you think? But I admit, I have been thinking of eating with you this evening" "Are you... asking me out?" "What else could I have intended with that?"

And they all live happily ever after, finish, yaaay

[maryanntorreson]

Some advice on coming out

Thoka Maer

“In a perfect world, I believe that members of the LGBT community shouldn’t have to come out,” says New York high school student Amanda Gundel in a 2018 TEDx talk. “We should all be able to co-exist in our little bubbles and go out and do our own things.”

Unfortunately, we don’t yet live in that world, and LGBTQ+ people continue to face the pressure to come out.

What’s more, coming out isn’t a one-time act. After you come out for the first time, you’ll probably have to keep coming out to new people — new friends, new coworkers, new family members — for the rest of your life. This can feel overwhelming, so it’s crucial to take it one step at a time.

While there is no simple formula, there are people in the queer community who are glad to share their experiences as a guide.

Below, Gundel, now a writer and student at Binghamton University in New York, and queer therapist Daniel Tehrani, whose NYC psychotherapy practice at the Institute For Human Identity focuses on gender, sexuality, trauma and substance abuse, provide some insight:

1. Sit with yourself

We live in a society where heterosexuality is the norm. In fact, most people you meet probably assume you’re heterosexual and also cisgender (your gender identity matches the biological sex you were assigned at birth).

Queerness is an exception to these norms, so queer people can often end up questioning themselves and wondering how they fit in. In the coming out process, taking time for self reflection is important because it gives you the opportunity to define yourself on your own terms.

“The Q, or Questioning, part of LGBTQIA is so important, because we are all ‘Q’, or Questioning before we are firmly gay or lesbian, etc.,” explains Tehrani. “Whether it was for one second or several years, there was a moment where we thought, ‘I don’t know.’ That’s in part due to the fact when we grow up, we’re told we are straight, without being able to really think ‘Wait, what? Am I actually straight?’”

So step one is to sit with yourself. Consider who you are outside of all your social, cultural and familial expectations. In a world that is quick to tell us who we are and who we should love, reconsidering and reclaiming your own identity can be a radical act of self love. Ask yourself what your truest wants, needs and feelings are.

2. Come out to yourself

Stand in front of a mirror, recommends Gundel, and “look into your own eyes and come out to yourself.”

This might sound unnecessary — isn’t the whole point of coming out to be out to other people in the world? Gundel explains: “If you can’t bring yourself to say it when no one is around, there’s no way you’ll be able to go further than this step.”

Maybe you’ve known you are trans since preschool. Maybe you started to question your sexuality in your 60s after your heterosexual marriage ended. Regardless of where you are in life, the most important person to come out to is always yourself. Start there, and hold yourself with patience and kindness. “Be patient with it, and don’t rush it,” says Tehrani.

3. Come out to a pet or a plant

Next, practice coming out to something that lacks the ability to judge, such as your dog, cat or plant.

“The great thing about coming out to your pet is they really couldn’t care less; your pet will still want affection from you,” says Gundel. “No matter what you tell them, it won’t affect them in the slightest.”

Tehrani agrees. He says, “If you have a cat, dog or goldfish and say to it, ‘I’m gay,’ it’s still gonna be like, ‘OK, do you want to cuddle? Do you want to give me a treat? Do you want to go for a walk?’ They really don’t care, which is something our human family members could learn from.”

4. Find a support system

Now that you and your non-human companions know you’re queer, it’s time to find your crowd.

“This is the most important step, and I cannot stress this enough — you must find people around you who will love you, regardless of your sexual orientation or your gender,” says Gundel. “It’s toxic to be around people who will not accept you. Get away from those people, if possible, and surround yourself with others.”

Of course, finding your crowd — the strangers who become friends and eventually form your chosen family — is not always easy. Don’t feel discouraged if the people you reach out to don’t immediately welcome you, says Tehrani. He explains, “People who are members of the queer community may have their own difficulties and traumas, and they’re trying to figure things out just as you are.”

He suggests you search for local events held by LGBTQ+ organizations, follow queer activists on social media (you can find them via hashtags or through queer celebrities’ accounts), and if you’re a student, join your school’s Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) to connect with your peers and access resources.

On the value of finding your crowd, Tehrani notes, “Coming out is kind of a dance with shame — ‘I have the shame of being a person who represents a marginalized community that is literally targeted by governments, by society, by religious organizations, by peers, by bullies. I’m a person with a target on my back, and I’m ashamed of this.’”

His advice: “A really good way of reducing shame is by knowing a lot of queer people, loving them and thinking, ‘OK, if they’re not ashamed of being who they are, why should I? They’re not that different from me. I love them, they’re so important to me, and I would never want that pain for them.’”

It’s sometimes easier for us to empathize with others than with ourselves. By befriending, supporting, accepting and loving people in the queer community, you’re also telling yourself that you’re worthy and deserving of friendship, support, acceptance and love.

5. Come out to someone in your crowd

After you’ve found your crowd, the next step is to open up to them about your sexuality or gender identity. During the coming out process, your physical and emotional safety should remain your priority, and revealing yourself to someone in this group should keep you safe.

6. Come out to someone outside your crowd

If and when you come out to someone who’s outside your crowd, both Tehrani and Gundel suggest you take your time to decide whether it’s the right person and the right time to say something. Sound them out: Ask them about their current feelings on LGBTQ+ rights, or mention a queer celebrity who’s posted something supportive on social media. This can help you decide who to come out to first.

Again, your physical and emotional safety should be in the forefront of your mind. Tehrani emphasizes that you should come out only when it’s safe for you. “There’s a significant risk that’s associated with coming out, and so it’s really important to assess whether you’re safe to do so before you do,” he says. “I have to say that safety probably takes priority over coming out, even if it means your delaying it for several months until you have a place to stay that’s safe or you have enough money in case you are kicked out of your home.”

Research from the University of Chicago found that LGBTQ+ young adults have a 120 percent higher risk of reporting homelessness, compared to youth who identify as cisgender and heterosexual. As Tehrani notes, “coming out for someone with more resources is very different versus coming out for someone with no resources.” Additionally, people of all ages who come out risk being ostracized, rejected or judged by others in their communities, which threatens their emotional safety.

Once you’ve decided who you want to come out to, prepare yourself for the worst. “Let your friends — the people within your crowd — know what you’re doing, and think of a place you can go to in case things go really badly,” says Tehrani. “Have the resources on hand in case you feel as though you’re in emotional danger — such as the phone number of a friend, your therapist or a loved one.”

Just so you know, it took Gundel about 2 years to go through these six steps; it might take someone else 20 years. It’s possible that as you explore your sexuality and gender expression throughout your life, your identity will continue to evolve, and you may decide at some point to come out with a different identity.

“Our sexualities are just like our personalities; when you were 10, you weren’t the same person that you are at 20, 30, 40,” says Tehrani. “Our sexualities can change and develop too. They are very fluid. So it can be quite uncomfortable to have to come out with a different identity several times. But it is OK.”

He adds, “I don’t want to say ‘It gets better’ because I think it’s a little overused, but it does get better. Keep pushing, don’t lose hope, and keep looking towards a future where you can be yourself. There is nothing more meaningful in this world than feeling safe enough to just be yourself.”

Watch Amanda Gundel’s TEDxWCMephamHigh Talk here: 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Paula Carrizosa is a writer and media fellow on the TEDx team at TED.

This post was originally published on TED Ideas. It’s part of the “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from someone in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.

Some advice on coming out published first on https://premiumedusite.tumblr.com/rss

[billgavemeextrachips]

Reasons I don’t want to see my extended family at the holidays

1. I can’t, in good conscience, just “let it slide” or “agree to disagree” with the horrible things they say. I’ve read articles online about families being polarized or split apart over politics, and they all seem to bemoan some bygone era when people just didn’t talk politics in polite company. But you know what? That’s not an option anymore. I’m a queer, disabled woman- my life is political. Our culture shoves politics in everyone’s faces- from Facebook to the NFL. (The latter was politicized when they started glorifying the military, years before the police brutality protests began. Please note that I support taking a knee and don’t find that to be ‘making things political” when that venue already was.) Also doesn’t help that my grandfather loudly complains about every Indian-American and Latino he comes into contact with. I am not even kidding. How do I even suggest to them that we “just not talk about it” without censoring my grandfather, and putting myself back in the closet?

2. I can’t argue back, either. I tried having “friendly debates” with an aunt for two years (2014-2016.) Dozens of times, I left Panera or a high school guard competition, loudly declaring to my mom on the ride home that I like talking politics with her sister! It’s fun right!?!?!? I’m so glad at least *one* conservative in her family will listen to my views without belittling me for being young and naive and over-educated, or just plain shouting me down!!! (Shows you how much the rest of her family respects me, that I interpreted basic human politeness and refrains from ad hominem attacks as this amaaazing show of compassion from my aunt.) Meanwhile I had an elevated heart rate for hours after these “fun” debates, and spent days thinking of all the things I should have said better. And all that effort for what? My aunt still supported Trump from the very beginning of the primaries- and brags about it. She still thinks the Klan in her county are just harmless, senile old eccentrics, and all taxes are robbery.

And attempts to have discussions with other members of the family have resulted in me fleeing the scene, physically shaking, ending up at a complete loss for words, and even self-harming. All for none of them- not even the “nice, fun” one- to budge an inch. My breaking down and failing to articulate a point to these people can’t possibly be helping any progressive/tolerant causes. If anything it’s hurting the causes. Along with my mental health.

3. When the take-a-knee protests came up in conversation last Sunday, I was physically afraid of my grandfather. He’s 81, but he’s still this 6′, barrel-chested man who does most of the maintenance on his own properties. I’ve never heard him yell so loud, or so deep. Above the clamor of half a dozen people shouting me down at once, in the dark around that campfire, what stands out to me was him growling, right next to me, Now you listen here! That’s not something you say to someone you’re even remotely open to listening to. That’s a command. Almost a threat. And maybe I’m a coward for being afraid of just that, when he hasn’t raised a hand to me since I was a toddler. But then call me a coward.

The truth is, if I had a girlfriend/wife/family of my own, and/or lived far enough away, I would have stopped spending time around my grandfather years ago. My parents tried once. Back in 2002, when we announced we were adopting from China my grandfather was my father’s (his son-in-law’s) employer. And his response to finding out he’d have another grandchild, who happened to be brown and born on the other side of the world?

“Well we’re not putting her on the company health insurance.”

He did not budge on that until he met my sister- a year and a half later. In the meantime, we moved hundreds of miles away, only to come crawling back when unlucky circumstances and plain bad financial decisions pushed my parents into bankruptcy. They felt they couldn’t make it, living that far from my mother’s parents. Not emotionally, and certainly not financially. 

I doubt my grandfather has ever apologized for his response to us adopting. He doesn’t do apologies. What he does do, and always has, is pay for family members’ houses and cars and medical treatments and college tuitions. As a wealthy man, who grew up one of 13 siblings in a working-class family in the Great Depression, I’m sure financial providence is a sincere expression of love coming from him.

I can see that, and that’s part of why this hurts so much. Why I’m losing sleep and feeling selfish.

But just because my grandfather’s not deliberately puppet-mastering us all, doesn’t mean I haven’t felt the strings pull My mom has begged me ever since I came out to her (four years ago!) to never, ever tell her parents. I don’t know what she’s afraid of. Could be anything from our entire branch of the family being disinherited, down to just the “let’s-not-talk-about-this” awkwardness her family is way too good at maintaining. Which is totally why I’ve never asked her what, exactly, she’s afraid of. I am a product of these people. I came out to my grandparents via a Post-It note stuck to my monthly “car payment” check in the mail. Which I usually hand-deliver, because that’s how fucking close this family is, emotionally and geographically.

But even though it’s “close,” and not abusive per se, my relationship with the extended family is not healthy. I have lost sleep for days before every big family gathering since 2011. Since I began self-harming in 2013, I’ve had more incidents after family arguments than any other trigger, and it’s a goddamn miracle that I’ve kept my 8-months-clean streak going with all that’s been bouncing around my head since Sunday. Every time I’m around them- especially a group of them- I seem to do more damage to my mental health, their esteem of “liberals,” and any remaining positive feelings between us. Maybe I’m the toxic one here. I don’t know. I don’t fucking care anymore. I just can’t do it.

I can’t do it.

I’m not saying I don’t want to ever speak to any of them ever again ever. No. I just... I can’t go to Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. Or New Year’s at my uncle’s house, which has the same guest list as the family Christmas, PLUS people from the evangelical megachurch I grew up in. 

I just can’t. I haven’t figured out how to tell any of my family this. I’m hoping my therapist will help. I hope- I think- that she won’t pull the same thing the internet articles did, this whole “blood is thicker than politics” bullshit that just makes me feel overdramatic and wrongheaded for taking a long-overdue stance for my own self-regard and personal boundaries.

[natkat-140]

National Coming Out Day

I’ve always known that I was attracted to women. I grew up with a lot of my girlfriends saying things like “omg I would become lesbian for Angelina Jolie” or like “that girl in our math class is so hot, if I was into girls I’d date her.” As a teen, I heard about girls making out with other girls, and it was just a thing that happened. Like, straight girls making out with other straight girls. It felt like it was commonplace for straight women to be sexually attracted to women. (What?) Five, ten, and fifteen years later, I found out that most of those friends of mine who said those things ended up coming out as lesbian or bisexual. Haha. Anyways, at the time though, even though I was attracted to women, I saw my “straight” friends saying that they were attracted to women, and I was like oh ok, I guess I’m straight too.

Additionally, most of the time I wasn’t as attracted to women as I was to men, so I felt like I couldn’t rightfully claim to be bisexual. Some days I liked women more than men, some days I didn’t like women at all. I thought that it had to be fifty/fifty or nothing. I didn’t want to say I was bisexual when those feelings towards women were often less-than, and sometimes absent.

Over the last year or so, I had done a lot more research about the queer community and what different labels meant and how I could be a better ally, because, you know, I was straight. I found myself closely identifying with certain descriptions, and light bulbs popped up when I read about how sexuality is a spectrum, and that sexual attraction can be fluid. And while I mostly have been attracted to cis men and women, I’ve also found myself being attracted to transgender actors - both male-to-female and female-to-male - and people who identify as non-binary or gender fluid. I’m still figuring out what the proper labels would be for how I identify, and experience will help with that. I’ve never had a relationship with a person that wasn’t a cis male, so I’m open to learning more about myself. But for now, I say that I am bi+ / pansexual (TL;DR description is basically that I don’t discriminate romantic, emotional, or sexual attraction based on what body parts a person was born with or what gender, if any, they identify as.)

I had really, really wanted to go to Pride events this past summer. I wanted to be a part of all the joy and love and support and wonderful togetherness of the queer community. I even showed up to a couple of them, but because I wasn’t fully “out,” I felt like a fraud. My guilt and anxiety and shame got the best of me so I left the events after only 20 minutes or so of being there. How can I be proud when I’m not out? How can I claim that I have pride when I’m too scared to tell my parents? How can I come to this kind of event and disrespect all these wonderful humans who ARE out, who DID face their fears, who CAN be proud of their actions; how can I stand beside them and pretend that I’m one of them?

Elana Rubin wrote a lovely little piece on celebrating when you’re not out, which you can read in its entirety here, but I’m including this excerpt now:

“You should remember that just because you're not "out," you're no less queer or no less deserving of a space in the community. If you identify somewhere along the LGBTQ+ spectrum, Pride Month is just as much yours as anyone else's – there are no certifications to prove your queerness to gain celebrating a month that is simply yours. So don't feel pressured or the need to come out in order to be "validated" to celebrate Pride Month. Just being yourself warrants celebration enough during this monthlong appreciation of queer folk, so you should join in however feels comfortable to you.”

I wish I had read that before today!

My coming out experience has been over a long time. First, I casually came out to some of my friends here and there over the last year or so.

A friend would ask “So, have you met any guys lately?” referring to my dating life.

I’d answer “No, I haven’t met any guys, no ladies either.”

“Hah… wait so you like girls?”

“Yeah. And guys too.”

“Oh. Cool. Where do you wanna get lunch?”

I was glad that it didn’t have to always be this big spectacle. Not to say that my sexual identity wasn’t important to me, but it took a lot of pressure off of me to be able to just mention it rather than have like a formal meeting with people individually or to come out to everyone all at once over Facebook.

I came out to both of my brothers a few weeks ago. Honest to goodness, I thought they both already knew or at least had some inclination that I wasn’t entirely straight. I was nervous to tell them. Not because of fear that they wouldn’t accept me or love me; I knew for a damned fact that they would fully, unequivocally support me and love me, just as I would them. I was probably nervous because it meant that I was one step closer to telling my parents, which I actually was scared to do. Telling my brothers went just as well as expected and they expressed their love and support and it was wonderful and they are wonderful.

I shared this information on a Saturday night in-person with one brother, and on Sunday afternoon with the other over the phone because he lives far away. When I was done with the phone call, I was at home reflecting on how well the interactions went with both of them and how excited I was to tell my therapist that I came out to them and then I was suddenly overcome with a fucking weird-ass mix of panic and relief and regret. Yeah, I was really confused about what I was feeling. I sobbed and sobbed and screamed into my pillow and I got up and grabbed my keys to leave and then realized I shouldn’t drive so I threw my keys across the room and I cried more and I stood there alone in my room, frantically looking around for help, and actually yellied out-loud “help me!”

I don’t know who the fuck I thought I was talking to or what kind of help I needed, but I was freaking out. I thought about calling some of my queer friends and asking them for help, but again, I didn’t know what the fuck I needed. Like what would I say? “I had a really positive and personal experience with two of the four people in my life who love me the very most and they still love me the very most and it was awesome and nothing bad happened! Wahh!” Hahah, yeah. Basically. I dunno. Anyways I cried for like 2 hours and then I was fine. I can’t even imagine what I would have felt if it hadn’t gone well.

Coming out to my parents was something I had talked to my therapist about, and he helped me feel comfortable about not telling them until I was really ready. I had also considered not coming out to them unless I became seriously involved with someone who didn’t identify as a cis-man. After a little while, though, I realized that I want to continue having a close relationship with my parents, and that I wanted to be able to be my full, true self with them, so I decided that I would tell them, at some point, soonish. I had planned on having a session with my therapist where we talked about how I should approach it and what kind of steps I should take to prepare for it and what positive coping strategies I should have in place in case it didn’t go well and it was going to be this whole, well-thought-out production. That didn’t end up happening at all!

Yesterday I picked up my dad from the airport. When I dropped him off at home, we were about to hug goodbye, and I felt this strong urge to blurt out “I’M BISEXUAL!” Fortunately, I had the self-restraint to NOT do that, lol. I told him there was something I wanted to talk to him about and then I felt like I had to vomit and then I started back-peddling and thinking of other things I could talk to him about that would warrant me saying that I wanted to talk to him about it so that I wouldn’t have to talk to him about me being bisexual. I had considered how I thought he might react. I thought that most likely, he would just say “ok,” not be able to look me in the eye, tell me he would pray for me, and then maybe avoid talking about it ever again. I thought maybe, maybe, it would be possible that he would get mad and disappointed and ask God why and ask me how I could do this do him and at the end he’d tell me it was ok because he knew it was just a phase and that I’d come to my senses soon enough. I dunno, I had never really talked to my dad about how he felt about queer people. I’ve never heard him explicitly condemn that lifestyle, but he is Catholic, and I used to be Catholic, and I know what the Catholic church teaches about queer lifestyles.

He invited me into his house and told me to have a seat while he put some things away. I walked in and looked at the chair which was way too far away from the door that I thought I’d have to bolt out of when he didn’t take the news well. I didn’t sit down. He put some things away, came back out, and again said “have a seat.” I didn’t, and I walked closer to the door. I told him, “I thought you should know, I’m not entirely straight.” He nodded his head and said gently and sweetly, “Okay.” I kept going, trying to do prophylactic damage control, explaining how I’ve known this for a long time and it doesn’t change who I am and I still feel the same about relationships and love and intimacy and it doesn’t make me a bad person and - before I could even get like, halfway through what I was going to say, I’m guessing he saw my eyes constantly shifting and avoiding his gaze and he heard my voice starting to tremble and that I was tripping over my words and he placed his hand on my shoulder and said very reassuringly, “nana, it’s okay, God made you the way you’re supposed to be, and I love you for being you.”  wHAT! Oh. OH! He hugged me and said “I love you” and I was overwhelmed with pleasant surprise and relief that he not only still loved me but also accepted that this was a part of who I am and I started crying and I said “thank you” and he said “no, you never need to thank me for loving you.” Which totally didn’t make me cry more.

I figured since I came out to my dad unexpectedly, I should probably tell my mom too. I went over to her house and I told her there was something I wanted to talk to her about. She told me this worried her. I assured her everything was fine and we could talk about it later. We chatted and laughed and she gave me some pumpkin spiced rum and a pair of shoes (thanks mom!). We both had appointments that we had to leave for, so it was a little bit rushed, but when we were hugging goodbye I told her, “Mom, I’m bisexual. I thought you should know.” She looked at me blankly for about 2 seconds, then her face lit up, and she said “you like girls?!?” I laughed, said “yeah, and guys.” She frowned, and said, “isn’t that too much?” I laughed again, and then she laughed, and said “Okay banano, you can’t change who you are and I still love you. Just don’t date anyone shitty, I don’t want to see you crying unless they’re tears of joy. Does your dad know?” I told her about our interaction and she was stoked just like I was.

I wasn’t as nervous about telling my mom because she’s always had gay and lesbian friends, and I was living with her back when Prop 8 was a thing, and we talked about gay rights when she had seen me gearing up with “NO on 8” signs to go protest it. I still certainly felt like I should prepare for her to not be stoked, though, because like my dad, she is also Catholic. Both of my parents probably grew up being taught that being anything but straight was wrong and punishable by an eternity in hell. I figured my mom would likely accept it, but that there still might be the possibility of her being like “yeah I’m okay with my friends being queer, but not my own daughter.” But like my dad, my mom is rad. And I am stoked.

However, I completely recognize how unbelievably fortunate I am to have such loving and supportive family and friends. So, SO many people are not anywhere near as fortunate. Not everyone who wants to come out can do so safely. Not everyone who does come out is welcomed with love and support. Which is why visibility and community and allies are so important. Sharing intimate details may not be for everyone, and that’s completely fine. But, I will say, that when I’ve learned about others’ personal lives and certain details about them (most relevantly, regarding sexual orientation and mental health issues), it has helped me. It helped me feel less alone and more empowered, which is why I’ve been sharing about mine these past two days. It’s a funny coincidence that yesterday was mental health day and today was coming out day, and those two have played a large part in my life lately.

Anyways, the following websites / accounts may be helpful for those queer people who feel isolated or unsafe or who need assistance after coming out.

<3

https://www.thetrevorproject.org

https://www.pride.com/

https://www.hrc.org/

https://www.aclu.org/

https://www.glaad.org/

http://www.pflag.org/

http://www.noh8campaign.com/

https://itgetsbetter.org/

Instagram:

@queertraffic

@operationwarmwishes