#can you tell ive been rereading trc

[vronoch]

sketchbook dump!!

[illbelieveitwhenyoudo]

one of the worst failings of xxxholic is how weak (and fustrating) it is when re-reading. part of this is like, it was a weekly comic so you can’t really expect a streamlined experience after 10+ years (place pin here). 

but most of it is how in 3 ish chapters they completely do away with nearly 200 chapters of lessons and growth just for the tragedy of it all. if you want to be charitable, holic is sadder, more tragic on the second read because you know whats going to happen and every time someone tells the main cast that fate cannot be changed, you can cry along in sympathy. but then compare that to every single moment, storyline and monolouge about how sacrifice is just foolish, that separating yourself from the connections you have to others goes against the laws of the universe, that being in pain for someone elses sake is just showing how little you care for yourself rather than how much you care for the other person. You, reader, main character, customers of the week, need to learn how to create a world in which you respect yourself, in which the people around you respect you, in which waiting for things to just come to you is something only done by the dead. those ties we create with the world are the single most valuable thing you have other than yourself. literally 20 volumes of this and then in chapter 185 out of 213 watanuki just decides to abandon the changes hes made??? for what???? cause he has an oedipal connection to his boss??? but its okay bcs the other parallel story being told kinda needs it to happen too???? it falls so flat. and holic DESPERATELY wants to be taken seriously and thought of as having a philosophical and meaningful narative. so... why didn’t they follow through on it?

ok heres that pin... the thing is, clamp had way too much going on at the time, two weekly comics with complicated fantastical worlds meant to overlap at the same time. (during the run, at a con in paris they jokingly say that the ammount they work would be against french labour laws). i really think it couldve been a better story if they weren’t overworked. unfortunately clamp tends to be unsuccsessful when writing these long spiraling stories. the stories tend to end unsatisfyingly or just dont end at all. everyone jokes about the last pannel of X but thats like the best outcome, really. everyone hates the ending of tokyo babylon and although ive seen a couple people say they like the ending of TRC, its just been compared to the ending of holic. which is technically just on hiatus (x2).

anyways, a friend asked me if they should reread holic and i said no, but i should have said yes. i love xxxholic with all my heart. 

[colorisbyshe]

if you want to complain more about clamp I am listening :) as someone who owns many volumes of the manga in multiple languages...... I am listening. <3

okay i’m just gonna rant in a very, very long post everyone please just avert your eyes mental illness is happening

but like....... as someone who was nostalgically reading these manga to bring back some happy memories i had as a kid, discovering that these series (ccs which i remembere dfondly despite not having actually watched/read as a kid, and trc and xxxholic which i read with some of my best friends at the time) are not just deeply flawed but harbouring so much like... frankly heinous shit in them is like??? deeply hurtful to me???

and like... i could handle cardcaptor sakura being full of evil shit because i had no deep personal connection, i just wanted to better understand ccs references in tsubasa and lik better appreciate syaoran and sakura and like its 90s shoujo OVER COURSE ITS FUCKED UP! just like sailor moon and fruits basket like it’s not good but like... i can process it

trc hurts me because like... the character writing for kurogane and fai is fucking PHENOMENAL, the concept is cool and interesting and unique, it (for the most part) has great themes and the way it explores concepts like grief, trauma, sacrifice, and healing was a balm to my quarantined soul

but you can tell where they realized they literally... did not know how to resolve their plot? and it got so complicated it legit gave me headaches but at least i had kurogane nad fai and then they’re shoved to the side just for it to be revealed that syaoran... is syaoran and sakura’s son... looking to meet up with sakura... to be with her... so they can be his parents

like... wow so great to watch this beautiful relationship be explored with kurogane and fai saving each otehr from the worst part of themselves just to be sidelined for “what if those fourth graders from cardcaptor sakura where husband and wife AND mother and son but like NOT REALLY becaues syaoran is also syaoran’s own dad so is it incest or just really confusing” but no it’s both like legit when falling in love with sakura he comments on how she’s just like his mom like hello bitch? you’re 14 but i’ll still kill you that shit is WEIRD

so that wAS NOT GREAT and then it ends with THE GROUP SEPARATED AT THE END?? SO I COULDN’T EVEN GET A HAPPY ENDING like yeah maybe it’s good sakura and syaoran were separated but kurogane and fai got to stay together beacuse... fuck the incest  but like... where is my catharsis where is my happiness??

and i’m rereading xxxholic which was my favorite of trc/xxxholic as a kid and... first off, it’s boring, secondly, it thinks it’s smarter than it is an dhas contradicting themes every other chapter, but FUCK it’s so interesting but doumeki, himawari, watauniki, and yuuko don’t have half the bonds as the TRC gang and like... i still don’t know why doumeki was going so fucking hard for watanuki

but the concepts were interesting enoguh and watching watanuki grow was nice

but you can ALSO tell AGAIN clamp just got bored and didn’t know how to wrpa it up so suddenly watanuki gives up ALL HIS BONDS AND HURTS ALL HIS FRIENDS just to be reunited with yuuko??? despite the themes of the story being about how self sacrifice causes scars on others?? and that’s BAD like if you love your frieneds you don’t hurt them by undervaluing yourself??? THATS A BASIC THEME OFT HE STORY

and then they rush to pair off doumeki with a girl THEY HELPED RAISE so he can have children to stay with watanuki... himawari is written off despite her last interactions with watanuki being about them caring for each other anad choosing to stay in contact despite her curse... and like yuuko’‘s entire character is never explained she’s just like “i’m a woman who exists as a vehicle of plot in both TRC and xxxholic i will never be given depth beyond that... well also i’ll ruin watanuki’s life”

and hen the last chapters are just watching everyone grow up while watanuki is alone, never aging, helping grant wishes where he watches other immortal beings suffer and lose everyone, and it just ends with him relizing he likely won’t ever see yuuko again but he’ll keep waiting?? even though it’s been 100 yers and everyone he loves is dead??

and that shit is not good for my mental health like i feel like i have been isolated fo ra hundred years beacuse of covid watching watanuki choose it hurt edeply

like half the manga is about syaoran and sakura begging him not to vanish (also that plotline was WEIRDLY dropped) and the series ends with him effectively... vanishing a sa person and just becoming shopkeeper

how fucking depressing??

i could handle a sad ending if it had value. if it said something. if it didn’t have doumeki marrying a girl he knew since she was an abused elementary schooler while he was like 17. ESPECiALLY when IN THE PANELS REVEALING IT it weren’t like “atcually neither of them love each other they love watanuki but it’s fine” like HUH????????? FOR WHY

and ive really had to grasp the reason why there’s so much fucked up shit (incest, pedophilia) in those series is core to CLAMP’s messages accross all their mangas about soulmates nad how about love can triumph over everything

and like using such a PURE message to be like “if an adult is in love with a child and they’re soulmates, it’s to be” is so fucking evil

like they’ll tip toe around kurogane and fai, yukito and touya, doumeki and watanuki, and all the gaybait that i KNOW is in their other series because i’ve grown up seeing shit like tokyo babylon and legal drug and all their other dropped manga

because gay peopl ebeing soulmates is a wink and a nod

but ADULTS WITH CHILDREN THEY ARE IN CHARGE OF??? MOTHER AND SON MAYBE??? oh that’s fine they’re REAL soulmates who will go against TIME AND DIMENSION MAGIC ITSELF to be in love

like...............................

gay people are second class characters compared to pedos and incest... does it get worse than that? like besides emotionally destroyed by the sad endings, i get that shit too?

it hurts on a deeper level like feels like a betrayal and i’m kind of really sad i revisited something i enjoyed so much as a kid (even when i didn’t understand wtf was going on, because i was literally reading it at the same time my friend was and rushing) andd discovered this like... deep rot inside it

i could have continued to remember it fondly but now it’s just like... reaching the last bite of cake and being told it was made with maggots like... well i already ate it all...

there’s no point reading clear card or the unfinished tsubasa/xxxholic sequels because they’ve already ruined themselves like they can’t fix it

kurogane and fai still won’t be allowed to be together. watanuki still outlived everyone who ever loved him for a mother figure that can never come back. cardcaptor wrote off the fourth grader engaged to hre teacher but like... sakura’s dad is still a preadator

like... what do i do with these left over feelings then?

i’ll be over it in a dya but like for tonight i really do feel unwell

okay thank you i got it out in one post i am processing the feelings

i am gonna cry about watanuki being alone tho