#can you tell im insane about the way tfb reuse lyrics and motifs and gives them new meaning. can you tell

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because i have been Enabled (one person said i should) i'm going to post my late night analysis of leaf pile by the front bottoms! under the cut since it gets kind of long.

(obligatory disclaimer that this is my interpretation of the song and i'll probably miss some stuff or say something you don't agree with; but the beauty of art is you don't have to agree with one another on what it's about. note that i address brian as the singer and not his name, since he's said that not all of his songs are about him specifically.)

before i get in-depth with the lyrics, i want to discuss the theme. this song references a lot of tfb's other music and overall carries a very nostalgic/reflecting tone while still looking forward to the future with hope. i think it's an excellent example of tfb's growth as a band, both in technical skill and general outlook (hehe) on life. while their older songs carried a general air of hopelessness (specifically "it's hard to get better in an environment that drags you back into bad habits"), leaf pile exemplifies the turn towards exhausted but determined optimism.

now, onto the lyrics to support my argument.

if you've listened to the front bottoms for any amount of time, the very first line will be familiar.

I wanna be

this seems like a silly place to make my first note - it's just three words - but they're the same opening words to another one of my favorite tfb songs, vacation town. however, the line in vacation town continues with "that comfortable place where you write and read." i don't doubt that the use of this line was intentional, as tfb references their other songs frequently, and vacation town's theme of being stuck in the past compliments leaf pile well.

that person again

the one that I am right now, again

for the rest of my life, and then

I wanna lay down in the leaf pile, but I can't

fear of change is a common theme both in life and in tfb's music. this opening verse establishes a singer who wants to live in familiarity forever before dying ("laying down in the leaf pile"), but can't because, well, that's just what being alive is.

I wanna be that person again

the one that I am right now, again

for the rest of my life, again

I wanna lay down in the leaf pile

but I can't slow down

or I'm gonna crash, crash, crash, crash, crash

the repeat of the first verse emphasizes its point, but the changes also bring new ideas. the repetition of again affirms that the singer wishes to relive the past.

the addition to the last two lines is another reference to the rest of tfb's discography, though a lot less specific than the last one. the front bottoms sing about motorcycles in their songs a lot, and when riding a motorcycle, like a regular bike, keeping up speed is important because if you're too slow, the vehicle loses balance and falls. this also acts as a metaphor for life (sensing a pattern yet?), since dwelling too long on the past can make you lose sight of the future and get caught up in your regrets.

I wanna feel that same sense of calm

I wanna feel that same sense of peace

it felt so real before you got here

it'll be restored after you leave

after this verse, the chorus repeats again. the first two lines reaffirm a longing for a past that was easier and kinder. the second two remind me of dissociation. perhaps the singer, in meeting up with/seeing someone who reminds him of his past, loses himself in it.

(slightly unrelated note: this upcoming part of the song makes me insane. i love it so much.)

oh man

nothing ever kicked in or as hard as you did

I feel anxious, do you?

like I have to make a move

I'm just gonna do what you did

the singer feels cornered. he isn't ready to move into the future, but he can't keep clinging to the past. he addresses someone, probably the same "you" from the last line, and tells them that nothing ever kicked in or as hard as they did. this could be literal, as some of tfb's older songs also reference domestic/intimate partner violence, but there's definitely a metaphorical aspect to it too. the person the singer is addressing has had a profound and negative effect on his mental health, so much so that they're incomparable to anyone else in his life.

the singer says he's anxious, wonders whether the other person is, then says he's just going to do what they did. based on what we already know about the other person, we can assume it's nothing good.

I cut some ties with a few good friends

for it to be over how ready I am

I closed my eyes, I opened my eyes

but my mouth was closed the entire time

the singer cuts off "a few good friends;" presumably this is the move he had to make, and what the other person did too. he says he's ready for "it" to be over, which is probably related to what he had to do.

closing and opening his eyes, but keeping his mouth shut, may also symbolize the singer observing what's going on around him without making it worse by saying something wrong, which is something tfb has sang about in previous songs.

montgomery forever

first you get hurt, and then there's healing

it's a process, believe me

you stole my notebooks and now you're reading

this verse (my favorite in the song. if you even care) references another song on this album, montgomery forever, which is a song about the neighborhood brian lived in as a kid getting demolished. the usage of the title, followed by the assurance that grieving is a process, shows a resolution to grow through the challenges and losses the singer faces.

the notebook line also references a couple other tfb songs, where notebooks are almost sacred for their containment of the singer's unfiltered, innermost thoughts.

I can't wait to hear you say

that I got back a couple weeks ago

to our friends and family

I can't wait to hear you say

that I got back a couple weeks ago

this line also hits very close to home for me. i lost my best friend, joseph, to suicide when i was just 13 and he was 14. i wanted to believe that he would come back from the hospital eventually, that i'd be able to say he got back a few days ago and thank goodness he was fine. i wanted to do so many things with him that i never got to. i won't lie; i cried pretty hard when i first heard this part. it still gets to me when i'm feeling particularly sad.

but it was all to see

who could ride a motorcycle faster

as for me, I still believe

as for me, I still believe

this line is a direct pull from an old demo, sexy and alive (give an inch). despite being an arguably old song, sexy and alive takes a hopeful tone more like tfb's new music. the usage of this verse connects with the theme of growing while connecting to the past, as well as earlier references to motorcycles as a metaphor for living.

do I seem anxious to you?

do I seem backed into a corner?

as if I had to make a move

but you could tell I didn't wanna

another repetition of an earlier line. the singer didn't want to make the move/cut off his friends, but his circumstances forced his hand, which made him feel anxious and cornered. this verse is repeated a couple times, at the same time as the next one:

I can't remember, it's all a blur

the person you are and the person you were

I can't remember, it's all a blur

the person you are and the person you were

another pretty strong reference to dissociation, specifically dissociative amnesia imo. (DISCLAIMER: i'm absolutely not armchair diagnosing brian with anything. a singer doesn't have to only write about things they've personally experienced, and it's a well-established fact that brian writes a lot of stories into his songs that aren't about him (the most well-known example being father). i just have a dissociative disorder myself and felt really called out by this line lol.) this lines up well with previous references to dissociation in the song.

I don't wanna talk

I don't wanna talk, I wanna look out the window

I don't wanna talk

I don't wanna talk, I wanna look out the window

these are the last lyrics in the song. the singer is tired of trying to explain how he feels to the other person, who either isn't aware of the harm they've caused him or just doesn't care. he's given up talking it out and resigned himself to looking out the window; moving on without the other person.

thanks for reading all of this, if you got this far. if you thought any of what i had to say was perceptive or cool, let me know and i'll post another analysis - probably for hooped earrings or batman since i love both of those songs too (though i may just post those for fun). there's also a possibility i do a post like this for songs from other bands i like.