#can we talk about both of these women. without leon. can we drop kick leon's ass

[nymphiess]

"Ada is so much more complex than Claire" this "Claire is a passive character she doesn't even do anything" that both Ada fans and Claire fans need to team up and realise that Capcom did them both dirty as hell and join hands. And maybe kiss.

[levis-hazelnut]

Levi x Reader Hate At First Sight

Summary: after hearing about you getting into a fight with some Military Police, Erwin and Levi go to try and enlist you as a scout, much to Levi’s dismay. Though, after some months spent there, you found yourself to be disliked by many scouts.

(a/n: look at my baby his side profile he’s so beautiful. also i do not hate petra it’s just for the sake of the fic so please don’t @ me lmao)

You gripped your knees, your back hunched while your chest rose and sank as you tried to catch your breath. The reason you were running was that moments ago, some men tried to molest you. Though you were able to beat them down, you obviously didn't want to stay around that area of filthy MPs. Yes, they were everywhere, but that particular place isn't somewhere where you should be late in the evening. Only whores would walk around there. And you definitely aren't one of them. You may have the face and figure of one, but you would never stoop to that level just to get money and to pleasure foul men who treat women as objects. It's good that you're poor because then you have loose clothes that don't make your curvaceous body show. Walking at a slower pace, you made your way to your 'home' which was just a place behind a store, which had sacks piled on top of each other, making it comfortable enough to sleep there rather than the gelid ground. And to be able to get the owner to let you stay there, you had a massive dispute that caused you to get attention to yourself and you were on the verge of pulling out the blade you keep in your boot. But now, you are on good terms with him.

A lot of the friends you had didn't remain with you because of your temper. Or they would have been caught by the Military Police. Either way, you don't have any of your past friends. Hey, it's not your fault you would go out of control at any time, sometimes for no reason. Well, it is your fault but you didn't make yourself this way, so tell that to whatever god is up there.

You plopped down onto the stack of sacks, staring up at the midnight blanket, where stars sparkled in and the gleaming moon gazed down at you. As you rested your head on your arm and your other arm laid across your torso, your stomach slightly grumbled from being deprived of food. Sighing, you jumped up, heading inside the shop you laid behind. Thankfully, it was a small restaurant. As you walked in, the owner glanced at you with a frown. "(Y/N), it's closing time. Why are you coming in now?" You put a hand to your stomach. "Don't tell me. It's my hollow stomach." "Here." He chucked you a whole loaf of bread and an apple. "Now, leave. I've got to clean up." "Thanks.” Sitting back down, you threw the apple up in the air and caught it in your left hand as you ate the bread. After finishing the food, you relaxed and closed your eyes, so you could escape from the life you have and dream about living somewhere else, somewhere cosy, somewhere warm and more home-like. And maybe even someone you could spend your life with without them leaving you because of your fierceness or dying. ~/~ "Corporal Levi?" "What?" aforementioned person replied with an exasperated sigh. "Commander Erwin said he needs to talk to you." "Tch. Okay." He walked away with profanities soaring through his mind, wanting to just go to his office and avoid people that were getting on his nerves. Stepping into the Commander's office, he crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned against the wall after shutting the door. "What do you want?" The Commander gestured to a chair in front of him so the other male could sit down and he could inform him of the situation. "A while ago, in Wall Sina, there was a woman who got in a fight with a few Military Police and took off with ODM gear. She isn’t a soldier or anything, so she most likely hadn't handled gear before, but she was able to use it with ease, meaning she's someone skilled." "So?" "We need to go get her to enlist as a scout." "Tch. Why? She already sounds shitty and bratty." "We're going tonight, Levi." He stood up and left the office, clicking his tongue. All he wanted was to avoid people and now, he has to go get some bitch who probably doesn't even know how to wipe their ass. An hour, or so, ago... A group of four Military Police surrounded you, all of them having smug expressions that made you want to punch them in their faces... and then their balls. You wouldn't let them get away with only a punch to the face. Who do they think you are? A princess? You steal some gear thingy, that looked intriguing to you, from one of them and suddenly you're the bad guy? These idiots think they can beat you as well. You could just laugh. "Do you really think you can beat me?" you chuckled. You did just laugh. "We don't want to hurt you, darlin'. Just give us back the gear." "Who said you can call me darlin'?" you snarled and fly kicked one of them. He ended up slamming against the building behind him, sliding down the wall, knocked out. You charged at another, kicking their crotch and punching the top of his head as he dropped onto the ground with a thud.

Two more left... One of them came towards you with their fist drawn back to punch you with a force meant to harm you but you caught their fist and twisted their arm, pushing it towards their chest as they let out a cry of pain. You thrust your foot at his abdomen as he held his arm, groaning.

"Are you really going to try and beat me?" The last one only smirked, approaching you, so you pulled out the blades from the equipment you took from him and pressed it to his neck. He froze on the spot and gulped, cold sweat appeared on his flesh and dropped with a patter on the ground. "I'm going to give you five seconds to take your comrades and get your asses out of here." You put the blade back into its place and watched the panicking man pick up the other dirty humans and hurry away, not wanting to wait to see what you would do after five seconds. Ignoring the people gawking at you, you dusted your clothes before figuring out how to use the gear to head to your favourite shop, wanting something to drink. You were able to do it with ease, flying through the doors and swiftly landing on your feet. The bell rang to notify people that someone came in.

You sat on your table. Yes, it was your table and all the regulars knew that after seeing you pound a man for taking your table. Ever since then, no one has sat at that table apart from the drunk idiots who want your attention or people that haven't been to this place yet. It was near the window and it had the sofa seat so you would lean your back against the window, stretching your legs across the seat. You placed the equipment you took on the table.

"Oi, Luis," you called to the owner, and he looked at you from where he was at the counter. "The usual." He nodded at you and proceeded to make you your black tea with no sugar. After about five minutes, he placed the cup of tea in front of you as you handed him some money you were able to 'earn', paying him for the food he gave you the last few days as well. But you always got a discount so it wasn't too much of a problem for you to stea-- earn a bit of dough. "Hi, (Y/N)~" Yay, another drunken fool trying to hit on you. You rolled your eyes, disregarding his presence that sat opposite you as you drank your tea. He was saying shit you weren't listening to. But, seriously, who gets drunk during the day? He's probably just another jerk whose wife ran away from and took most of his money or something like that. All these snobby, egotistic people, who live within Wall Sina, piss you off to the extent that you want to make sure that their pained screams reach Wall Rose, so that those citizens would know what would happen if they pissed you off. "Hey, idiot, I'm going to give you three seconds to get out of my sight," you growled. All he did was smirk and lean over the table, trying to get closer to you. You punched him the middle of his face, but it didn't look like he could feel it. You stood up and dragged him off the seat, kicking him over and over as he laid on the sparkling, marble floor. "Hey, hey, hey!!" Luis jogged up to you. "(Y/N), you need to stop beating up my customers! Soon, you'll be my only customer." "Tell this bastard to get the fuck out and leave me alone, then." "I can't kick someone out for you." "Tch." You trudged out of the shop, wandering around the streets, hiding from any MPs that walked past, so you could evade another fight since you weren't in the mood for any action. "Hey, (Y/N)!" "Moritz," you greeted as he came up to you. "I haven't seen you in a while." "Just trying to stay away from any bastards. So, get away from me," you joked to which he chuckled softly. "My offer still stands... I'd like a daughter like you." "Sorry, Moritz. Leon isn't my type." "My son is in love with you. He's a kind and soft lad and if I'm being fair, he's handsome." "Exactly. That isn't my type. I want someone strong, feisty and someone able to handle my temper and maybe get into heated arguments with me. But of course, I want someone attractive." Several hours later... "Levi, are you ready?" "Yes." The stoic man let out a heavy breath and proceeded to leave his office, following the tall blonde. They both got their gear before leaving the building and entering a carriage waiting for them. "Why is this brat special? There are so many cadets that can use ODM gear." "As I said before, she isn’t a soldier and was able to use it without practice." "What's her name?" "(Y/N) (L/N)." The rest of the journey was quiet, only a few words of what they were going to do and the occasional click of the tongue because of how long the trip was. Finally, they arrived in front of a classy restaurant and it was filled with people due it being the evening when couples go there. You shimmied past the couples all dressed up in fancy clothes and you were able to make it out of it. Looking back over your shoulder, you rolled your eyes before frowning when you saw two men standing in front of you. You crossed your arms over your chest and arched an eyebrow. "Look, I took your friend's gear hours ago. Why are you still chasing after me? It's not that big of a deal." "Are you (Y/N) (L/N)?" the taller male asked. "... Yes. What do you want?" "May I see the gear you were talking about?" "Are you going to take it?" "No." "Okay. Follow me." You walked to your pile of sacks, expecting them to be behind you but they were in their place. "You coming or what?" They slowly approached you, wary of their surroundings. "What is this place?" the stoic male questioned, clearly disgusted. "Welcome to my humble abode." You ignored his criticism. You looked about for the gear but you couldn't find it, that's when you realised that you had left it in the restaurant. You hoped that no one took it. You sighed and looked into the restaurant, telling the two males where you left it, so they dismissed you, allowing you to get it and they followed you but waited outside. You opened the door, pushing people out of the way. "Move out the way, you fucking arrogant idiots," you muttered. You looked around your table where a couple sat but you didn't care since you weren't going to sit there and there wasn't any other space. You frowned when you didn't see it. Who the fuck took it? ... Oh, they did. There were two men and a woman on a table with the gear in front of them as they all put their nasty hands on it. The woman was drunk and holding a wine glass filled with a red liquid, one of the men was smoking and the other had a beer. You barged through the crowd, striding to their table. "Excuse me. This is mine." You tried taking it, but the man closest to you stopped you from doing that as he stood up, coming closer to you so you backed away. You could smell the cigarettes emitting from him as you held your breath at the foul smell. "Now, why would I let you take this without anything in return?" "Tch. Give it before I prevent you from having kids." "I wouldn't mind having a baby with a gal like you." "Get your breath out of my face. And give it to me. I swear, I'll knock you down so you won't be able to get up ever again," you grumbled. "I like my women feisty." You punched his left cheek and he stumbled back into his seat as you picked up the gear, turning around to face the entrance but all you saw was more people entering. Okay, you didn't care anymore. You swiped a man and stepped on him to get closer to the door but a woman came in your way, her boobs blocking your way. You slid through what little space there was and jumped over a short person, enabling you to exit and go back to the two men outside. The one with blue eyes looked surprised as you passed him the material. "That was impressive." "What?" "How you got past all those people." "Eh, it was nothing." "Anyway, are you able to use this properly?" "Yes. It isn't that hard." "Can you show me your skills with it?" "Why? Wait... how do you even know my name? Who are you people?" you inquired after realisation hit you. "I'm Commander Erwin Smith and this is Corporal Levi Ackerman. We're from the Scout Regiment and we heard that you got into a fight with some MPs and you were able to easily use this so I wanted to see your skills and see if you're worthy of becoming a scout." "Why would I want to join you? All of you are stupid to leave the walls to fight titans. I don't want to become like you. And there are a lot who don't even know how to fight and I don't want to fight with morons,” you responded. "Yes, I don't have a great life but it's better than risking it to go do something stupid. I don't care if you're the Commander and he's Humanity's Strongest Soldier, I'm not becoming a scout." "Tch. We don't do something stupid, we fight for humanity. You only fight to get away from trouble. I don't know why we have to save the likes of you but we do and we don't do it because we want to, we do it because we have to. And they may be idiots, but they're damn good soldiers who shouldn't be ill spoken about by someone like you," Levi growled lowly, venom laced in his words. 'Someone like you', who does this fucking midget think he is? You were probably around his height but women are generally shorter than men. You narrowed your eyes and proceeded to thrust your fist at his face but he dodged it before headbutting you. He punched your nose, causing it to bleed and he struck your gut straight after. He threw punches at you, one after another, until you had enough, bringing your leg up to kick the side of his head. He put his hand there, weakening the blow, and grabbed your ankle, slamming you down onto the stone ground. You felt slightly dizzy but you shook it off, standing up immediately, ramming your knuckles into his face and you tried to trip him over but he kept his balance. After punches being thrown and both of you being beaten up, to finish the fight off, he slid behind you and twisted your arm behind your back, stepping on your foot as his other hand held your wrist by your side. You tried shaking him off, but it was futile. He twisted your arm more, getting a quiet hiss of pain from you. "You may be able to beat up some useless MPs but we, at the Scout Regiment, are nothing like them. You better think twice before you try to fight with me." "Thank you, Le--" Erwin started but was cut off. "(Y/N)?" a gentle voice uttered, and you turned your head towards it. "What are you doing here, Leon?" "I-I came here to see you..." he shyly said, his ginger hair hiding his emerald eyes as he gazed at the ground where blood trailed. "What's happening? Who are these men?" He looked back up with concern pooling in his orbs. "It's nothing. Do you want to talk about something?" "It can wait. It looks like you have to deal with something." "Oi, get off of me. I won't try to put up a fight, or run away." "I don't trust you." You clicked your tongue and lifted your foot up to kick his groin but he wrapped his leg around yours so you weren't able to strike him. "Can I not talk to him?" you snapped. "Levi, let her go." "Idiot," you murmured loud enough so he was able to hear but he didn't say anything. You walked up to the boy. "Leon, I don't think you should tell me anything important because I don't know if I'm going to be able to see you after today. They're from the Survey Corps and they want to enlist me. I don't want to go, but it looks like they're going to force me." "But--" You could see the tears welling up in his pretty eyes. "I love you, (Y/N)." "I know. But that's how it is. Sorry." You didn't sound sorry at all, your tone was your usual dull, yet harsh one, but you genuinely did feel a bit of compassion for him. After two years of trying to get you to be his wife, you're going to leave his life without leaving any feelings for him. He was a gentleman and you liked him, however, not as a lover or whatever, he was just delightful to have around. You didn't want to leave him like this so you embraced him, gently rubbing his back and whispering a few words. "Will you ever come back?" "I don't know. It's a high possibility that I won't." "If you do, will you marry me then?" "We'll have to see," you smiled; it was the first smile you ever let break out onto your lips since you were around ten. "Tch. Why did I come to see this?" "Shut up, Levi. Just be glad that you'll have a valuable soldier on your side." A scowl replaced your smile. He scoffed. "We've got plenty of useful soldiers, including myself." "I might see you later, Leon. Bye." "Bye, (Y/N)." He took your hand and softly kissed it. And with that, you left the boy in heartbreak and started a new life as a scout after showing them your skills, which Levi scoffed at so you backhanded him. On the way to headquarters, you and Levi sat opposite each other and argued as Erwin silently sat there, wishing for the ride to be over. Since the journey was long and it was around midnight, you had fallen asleep after some time, allowing peace to settle into the carriage. Once you reached HQ, Erwin stepped out and stood by the carriage, waiting for you and Levi to get off. "Oi, brat, get up." Levi tried to awake you. "Brat, wake up." "Who you calling brat?" you asked tiredly, failing to convey your irritation. "You. Now, shut up and get out." "Tch. Don't go telling me what to do, Ackerman," you muttered angrily, too tired to put up a fight. All three of you entered the building and coincidentally, you were walking next to Levi, starting another argument so Erwin walked in between the both of you, leading you to his office, while Levi went to his.

"Take a seat, (Y/N),” he told you. "This is the key to your room. We'll fill out the paperwork and do everything tomorrow. For now, just go sleep and I'll tell you all you need to know tomorrow." "Whatever." You left his office after he told you the directions to your room and you went there, finding a single bed with a bedside table that had a lit lantern. The first thing you wanted to do was have a shower since you felt sweaty from all the action you had today. Once you showered, you went straight to bed, snuggling into the blanket, able to have a good night's sleep for once in ages. ~/~ After changing into your uniform, you looked at your reflection. It fit you very well but you didn't want it to. You don't like showing your curves, but it's not that you feel insecure with people looking, you just don't like it. You don't want your body to be the thing that attracts people and you don't want people coming after you because of your alluring figure. With no hesitation, you would punch anyone that tries to touch you. As you were told to, you went to Erwin's office before breakfast started, ignoring the gazes that were focused on your form. You rolled your eyes as you stepped into his office, slamming the door behind you. "Gosh, these idiots don't know how to keep their eyes in their sockets." You turned your head to the door, not noticing Erwin's cerulean eyes on you. He blinked to break himself out of his daze and cleared his throat as he gestured to the seat in front of him. You sat down casually, not caring about being formal. "Sit up, (Y/N)." "Tch." "Sit up," he repeated. "You shouldn't disobey your superiors." You sighed and did as he said. "Happy?" "I've got these papers for you to sign," he told you as he handed a few sheets. "And these papers have information that you'll need to know but I'm going to go through it with you. I'm going to put you in Hanji's command..." After about half an hour, you were able to leave his office and make it for breakfast. You entered the mess hall with him and grabbed some food, sitting down on an empty table since you have yet to get to know these people and you thought that people would come up to you first. "Who is she?" "Mmm~ Look at that ass." "Look at those boobs." "You lot are pervs." "You only say that because you have Krista." "Yeah, and she's better than whoever that woman is." "I think she's pretty." "She's certainly not ugly." "Eren?" "Mikasa, do you not say anything else?" "Eren?" "What?" "Stop ogling her." "I-I wasn't." "Yeah, right, Jaeger. Wipe the drool from your mouth." "I'm the one drooling? You look like you have rabies." "You want to take this outside?" "Both of you, stop being children." You glanced at the table making the most noise and saw that all ten of them were looking in your way. Some averted their eyes as others smiled at you, however, you gave a cold stare in return before looking back at your food. It wasn’t exactly intentional to look at them like that, it's basically just your usual expression. "Did you see that?" "She may be pretty, but she's rude." "Who does she think she is? Looking at us like that." "I didn't see what happened." "Of course you didn't. You were too busy stuffing your face with food." "I think we should go talk to her." "Yeah, teach her a lesson." "Guys, sit down. You can't do that do a new person." "Yeah, guys, what's wrong with you?... Wait like a week, then you can teach her a lesson." "Jean! Don't encourage them!" "Oi, you lot?" You stood at their table, their heads turning your way as they had just noticed that you were there. "If you try to beat me up, you'll be s-- What the hell are you doing?!" you yelled at the person on your left who just touched your ass. "Feeling your ass," he stated nonchalantly. "You people are pervs. I agree with whoever that it is." "Whoever that it is, is Ymir," said girl inserted. They all introduced themselves to you but you couldn't be any less interested. "Okay, whatever. I don't give a shit about who you are. I came here to tell you that if you, Eren, Ymir, Jean and Reiner, try to beat me up, you'll be sorry. And I don't understand, do you want to grope my ass or beat it, Reiner?" "Who said I can't do both?" he smirked as you rolled your eyes, about to go back to your table. "Wait, (Y/N). Why don't you sit with us?" "So I can get harassed? No, thanks." "Just sit with us. We promise we won’t do anything," Jean told you. With slight reluctance, you got your plate from the other table and sat on the end of the table next to Armin, everyone focused on you as you spoke about your life before you came here.

At times, you would notice brown eyes belonging to a strawberry-blonde girl and grey eyes belonging to a raven man flutter towards you, but every time you looked up, they pretended as if they weren't staring at you. You could feel their glares burn into you. And you knew Levi's stare was of anger, but what was that girl's problem? ~/~ You wore a vest top and shorts, training with Reiner who volunteered to, probably just so he could see you with fewer clothes on. It's been going on for the past few weeks. You were a bit distracted during training because you felt as if someone was watching you and they were giving off a dark aura. You looked around but couldn't find anyone. "(Y/N), are you okay?" "Yeah. Come on." You waited for him to attack you and he did but you were able to knock him down before you saw the cause of the dark aura in the distance. "Hey, you!" you shouted, going towards them. "Do you have something to say to me?" You crossed your arms over your chest. "No. Nothing at all." She clenched her jaw. "You're Petra, right?" "Yeah. Actually, I do want to tell you something, you stay away from Corporal Levi," she growled, scrunching your vest in her fist. "Woah, Petra! What are you doing to (Y/N)?" Reiner jogged up to the two of you. Damn, now you can't beat the crap out of her. She let go of you and put on a bright smile, facing Reiner who knew that that smile was fake. "Nothing. I was just giving her some advice about making friends." "We need to train so leave us alone," Reiner took your arm protectively and dragged you away, but you protested. "Wait. I'll train with Petra today," you smirked devilishly. "No." "Oi, Petra! How about you spar with me?" "... Why?" "Just." You shrugged. "Sure," she agreed when she saw Levi come outside of the building, taking the chance to get his attention. You knew she wasn't strong enough for her to beat you, so this wouldn't end well for her. You both got into a fighting stance, before you threw your fist forward at her face, but you stopped just before you hit her so she dodged the potential blow and wasn't able to elude the kick you gave at her side. She was about to topple over but she caught herself, not letting you be victorious just yet. She attempted to punch your gut but you blocked it by making a cross over yourself. A crowd formed around you two, including the Corporal that Petra seemed obsessed about. But, of course, with his short stature, he wasn't able to see who exactly was fighting, so he pushed people out of the way, able to reach the front and see you and Petra. She tried to trip you over but that failed miserably and she fell flat on her face. A few from the huddle snickered quietly as others applauded even though it wasn't a real win. You crouched down and whispered, "Good luck in impressing that stubborn idiot." You got back up, grabbed your uniform and walked off, ignoring Levi who called for you. "Hanji!" you called to get her attention as she strolled through the castle. "Yes?" "Does Petra like Levi or something?" "I think so, yes. Why are you asking?" "During my training, she was watching me and she said to stay away from him. We got into a small fight which quickly ended because of her stupidity. I'm guessing the only reason this happened is that she's jealous. But she's moronic if she thinks that I would try to move to Levi." "Who's moronic?" a familiar voice spoke from behind you. You turned around. "Petra. Why the fuck would she think that I like you? You're bothersome, you're stubborn, you're irritating, you're an ass, you annoy the hell out of me and you're a bastard." "Thanks," he replied sarcastically. "The same can be said about you." "Tch. Shut it, Ackerman." "You know, you have a temper problem. And you shouldn't talk to me like that." "This is who I am. I can talk to you in any way I like." "You might not be able to talk after I knock your teeth out," he threatened with a glare. "I'm not scared of you." "We'll see about that," he muttered before walking away. "And put some clothes on." "What did you do to Shorty to make him so angry with you?" "I called soldiers stupid. Got in a fight with him. We've argued a lot of times." "Oof. I would have advised you to stay on his good side." "Too late." You shrugged. "It won't last long. He'll soften up after some time." "I don't think he will. Whatever, I need to go 'put some clothes on'." "Okay. Can I borrow you after for help with experiments?" Hanji asked slowly, hoping you wouldn't yell at her like last time, saying how you didn't give a sh*t about it. "No," you bluntly said as you left her, going to your room but was stopped by an annoying figure who you rolled your eyes at. "Looking good, (Y/N)." "Shut up." "You look a little dirty, want to have a shower with me?" You grabbed Jean's collar and brought your face close to his, a glare etched on your visage as you saw his Adam's apple move down and then back into its place as he gulped. "Shut the hell up and I'll let this one time slide." He nodded and scurried off once you let you go of him, entering your room and locking the door behind you. You decided to shower since you were covered in sweat and you felt nasty. ~/~ "Eurgh, look who it is," a voice whispered a little too loud as you entered the mess hall for breakfast, striding to your usual table with a few of people that you don't mind being around and the few that aren't annoying you or bothering you in any way. "She doesn't belong here." "You know, I heard that before she came here she worked in a brothel." "Everyday, she wears her vest top and short shorts, acting like a slut." "The other day, she was being a bitch to me. She laughed at my figure when I was looking in my reflection. Then, she said that no one would love me when I have a body like this." "I've heard that she's flirted with every man she's had contact with." This has been going on for at least three months: people making fun of you, talking about you, pushing you about, calling you names and such. You haven't taken any of it to heart, but you wondered what happened to make nearly everyone despise you. Everyone but superiors and the ten scouts you had befriended first, and even though Levi dislikes you, he doesn't contribute to the crowd that is being cruel to you. He already hated you from the start. "They're still going at it?" "Forget about them," Erwin told you. "How can I when they're practically saying it to me? All of what they're saying isn't even true. And they shouldn't try to start a fight with me because I'll beat the sh*t out of them." "Well, you are a bitch, so that's true," Levi murmured. "Ackerman, I suggest you shut up before I beat the shit out of you." You rammed your heel into his foot under the table since you were opposite him. "Tch. You should be happy that some of us aren't part of those dumb brats." "Dumb?" you repeated. "So, you're saying that they're dumb for saying all that stuff about me?" "... No... They're stupid in general." "Mhm." "What was that?" He frowned. "What?" "That 'mhm'." "Nothing." After staring at each other questioningly, you both went quiet as the other superiors on your table carried on their own conversations. Halfway through breakfast, you felt something cold and wet being poured onto your head, soaking your shirt and falling down your shirt which sent a shiver through you. You stood up and turned around to the laughing bastards, kicking the boy in the nuts and slapping the girl which shut them up. "What the fuck is your problem?! What did I do to you?!" "Someone decided to go braless today," the girl whispered to the other. You looked down and felt your cheeks growing red, out of rage and embarrassment. Something landed on your head and hung over your chest. You realised that it was a cape that Levi threw at you, which you wrapped around yourself before heading to your room to change out of the drenched clothes that you had just changed into. "Why the hell are you doing this? Yeah, she can be a brat, but all of you are, so I don't know why you lot are acting like this towards her when she didn't do anything. Both of you have kitchen duty for two months. If I see you one of you two do anything to her, you won't see the end of it." "Yes, sir." "Now, get the hell out of my face," Levi ordered as he sat back down in his seat, the others on the table looking at him with surprise. Who knew he would stand up for you like that? "What are you looking at?" "How come you stood up for (Y/N) like that?" Miche asked. "I didn't stand up for her. I was scolding them for acting like that towards a cadet." "Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say," Hanji said quietly with a smirk. "You shut up, Shitty Glasses." "I'm just saying that I don't think you would have done that for any other scout." "... That may be true, but they're mistreating (Y/N) for no reason." "Getting close to her, are we?"

"Tch. Just shut up." "Shorty has a crush~" Hanji sang in a low voice near his ear as she sat next to him, her 'best friend'. "I've only known her for five damn months. How could I already like her?" "Why are you asking me? And five months isn't that short, it's quite long if you think about it." "I don't care. I don't like her." "Okay~ Whatever you say~" Levi shot daggers at her before going back to eating in silence, not interacting with any more annoying people who seem to have a habit of bothering him nearly every day. One day, they'll leave him and he can live in serenity. One day, when all the titans are rid of and he can leave this shithole. All he has to do wait for that damn day that's taking its time to arrive. Can't it be a little more considerate? "I have to agree with Hanji. You seem to be a little protective over (Y/N)," Erwin stated after some time. "I. Don't. Fucking. Like. That. Brat." "Calm down, Levi. It's not a bad thing to like (Y/N)," Moblit teased. "Tch." The raven stood up and left the mess hall as he could hear the others laughing at him in the background. He slammed the door shut and trudged to his office with a scowl. He found you standing outside his office, your hand reaching for the handle but you stopped when you saw him come your way. "What are you doing, brat?" "I was going to give you your cape back. Thanks," you muttered. "Shut up," he grumbled, snatching the material from your hands and stepping into his office, locking the door. "Oi! Why are you telling me to shut up when I said thanks?" you shouted. "Get away from my office!" he yelled back. You rolled your eyes and started to go back to the mess hall. "Last time I thank you, bastard," you mumbled to yourself. ~/~ Your door shut with a bang after you had stormed into it, and leaned your back against the wood, hiding your face in your hands as you cried. Your legs gave out so you dropped to the ground with your legs arched and your arms resting on your knees as you placed your head on your arms, feeling tears drop onto your lap, seeping through your clothes. Two minutes later, you heard laughing, yelling and then footsteps approach your room. Light knocks sounded from the door with the soft call of your name. You knew who it was, but didn't respond so they turned the handle, slowly pushing the door open, however, you prevented that from happening by sitting by the door. They slid through the small gap before closing the door again, crouching down to you. "(Y/N)." "Leave me alone!" you shouted, though it was muffled behind your sobs and your face was hidden. "No. You obviously need someone right now." "I hate you! I hate all of them! Just get the fuck out!!" you roared, tearing your face away from your arms and looking at Levi's gentle expression. He didn't seem startled at all. "... Why are they doing this to me?" you whispered and concealed your face again, not wanting Levi to see you in this state. "Ignore them." "You know, it's all that Petra's fault. The bitch is envious of me and just wants to break me down into nothing. All because she's in love with you and she thinks that I like you!" "Tch. I don't even like her. She can fuck off. And how is doing this going to make me fall for her? I was wondering why she was being more clingy than usual," he muttered, but it was more to himself before he turned his attention back to you. "Don't let her break you down. You're a strong woman, so don't let something petty like this ruin you." "What am I meant to do? You don't know how hard it is to overlook them. You don't know how hard it is to keep a straight face when I'm hurting inside. I don't care if Petra may be making them do this, I hate it!" Surprisingly, you felt arms loop around your cowered form and haul you onto Levi's lap which made you remove your head from your arms again, looking at the raven, who was now right in front of you and gazing at your bloodshot eyes. He gently wiped your tears away and brushed a few (H/C) tresses that stuck to your tear-stained face.

More tears escaped as you shoved your face into his chest, soaking his shirt with the salty moisture and snot. He cradled you in his arms until you stopped crying which was about under an hour. "Are you okay now?" "Yeah. Thank you," you murmured as you wiped your face with tissue that Levi got for you. "Don't mention it. Do you need to talk?" "What's there to talk about? Petra hates me so she got people to make my life hell and I broke down." "I don't know how you were able to put up with it for half a year." "Barely. I just put on a poker face." Levi gently grabbed your chin in between his index finger and thumb, tilting your head towards him as you saw a slight smile creep onto his lips. "Don't hide your feelings anymore," he whispered before tenderly kissing you, his eyes fluttering shut. You were taken aback before you were brought back to your senses, finding yourself kissing him back as you cupped his face with a single hand. One of his hands trailed up from your hips to your scalp, tangling his slender fingers in your tousled locks. He was the first to pull away with gleaming orbs gazing at you with affection, licking away the strand of saliva that connected his lips to yours. "I'll always be here for you. To protect you, to talk, to comfort you, or whatever else you want." "Thank you, Levi," you hummed, leaning your forehead against his, pecking his lips once more. "Come on. Let's go eat." "I don't want to go," you said with pleading eyes. "I told you that I'll be here for you. You have to eat something before you sleep." "Please, don't make me go." "Just sit with me. I'll make sure that no one does anything to you." "I can't." "You need to endure it to become stronger. I'll be right next to you, okay?."

Sighing shakily, you stood up with a nod. "Okay." "I like seeing this vulnerable side of you," Levi teased as he walked out of your room, you padding beside him. "Shut up. You aren't allowed to tell anyone about this." The Corporal only smirked as you rolled your eyes.

As you strolled through the corridors to get to the mess hall, a few people were lingering, standing on the side and snickering when you went past. You tried to ignore them, though, it was difficult. "I heard that she got Corporal Levi drunk to sleep with her." "I can't, Levi. I'm going back to my room." You proceeded to turn and walk away but he grabbed your forearm. "(Y/N)." He cupped your face with both of his hands, making you face him but you averted your eyes, feeling tears welling up. "Look at me." You reluctantly brought your eyes back to his. "She's a whore. She tried to make me have sex with her and my friend. She wanted a threesome!" "Levi, I'm going." You tried freeing yourself from his hold, but he didn't let you. "No. Look at me. Ignore them." "How am I meant to ignore them?!" "Look at me!" he commanded. "... You can ignore them if you put your mind to it. Don't let them cause you grief because then it pains me to see you hurt. I don't like seeing you in pain so don't get affected by them. Ignore them and keep your eyes on me." A tear rolled down your cheek so he embraced you tightly, stroking your back soothingly. He let out an inaudible huff, wishing he could relieve your pain. "I won't force you to go to the mess hall. Go to my office, I'll bring you food." You nodded and pulled away from his grip. When you made your way to his office, people would say or do things but you stayed strong, and you were kind of proud of yourself once you made it into his office. You sat down on his sofa, waiting for him to come back. About five minutes later, the raven appeared with a tray of two bowls, bread and two glasses of water. He settled it onto his desk after you helped him clear the surface. You both sat down and ate together, allowing him to see your smile that he was deprived of ever since people started to harass you. After years of dreaming of having a home, having someone to stay with you, they came true. You have someone strong, feisty and you're sure you'll have plenty more heated arguments to come. On top of it all, he was damn sexy.

[julietandcinderellavocaloid]

Broken Juliet Chapter 1

Author’s Note: Hello, beautiful people! May I present to you the prequel to my Vocaloid fanfic Blood Rose! It’s not necessary to read BR before reading this, but there will be some world building lacking as a result. Not a lot, so you should be fine.

This novella follows one of the characters, Rin, living through the events that lead her to where she is at the start of Blood Rose. Rin seems to be everyone’s favorite character in the main fic. Now it’s time to learn how she became the person she is in that novel.

Broken Juliet is Rin’s story, and it isn’t a happy one.

Trigger warnings for physical abuse and character death.

I do not own Vocaloid in any way, shape, or form. This fanfic purely exists for non-profit entertainment purposes. Enjoy!

Scrunching up her face, sixteen-year-old Kagamine Rin studied the cabbage. After deeming it satisfactory, she added it and others of similar quality to her basket. She also picked up a few turnips and walked to the counter to make her purchase.

"Will that be all?" asked the clerk, a look of disinterest on his face. Rin nodded to answer. When the clerk totaled the costs, he told Rin, "That will be thirteen coin."

"Thirteen?!" Rin exclaimed. "I spoke with Aoki Merli earlier today, and she told me she paid less than half for the same things I'm getting."

"Yes," the clerk agreed, "but Aoki Merli is an Alice."

Rin grit her teeth. "Are you truly going to discriminate against me like this?"

"I need to make sales one way or another. Now either pay seventeen coin, or get out of here."

"It's seventeen coin now?"

"Twenty since you insist in arguing with me."

Jaw clenched, Rin stared at the man for more than a moment. What she wanted to do was walk away without making the purchase. It's what she would have done if she wasn't required to get everything on her shopping list. Rin had to get the items regardless of their price. The clerk knew it as well as she did.

Without a word, Rin slammed the twenty coins onto the counter, picked up her basket, spun on her heel, and walked out of the shop. She covered her eyes and squinted at the sunlight as she stepped outside and waited for her eyes to adjust before she continued with her errands. There was barely enough coin now to buy a new cloth pattern, but perhaps Ms. Yuezheng would feel generous and offer Rin half a pattern now and the rest when Rin could afford it.

Rin kicked up the dirt road as she went. The wooden shacks dotted the town, and many of the villagers walked on foot from business to business, either running errands like Rin or moving to the next job. Laughter and chatter filled the warming air. The boys and Alice girls played outside of the schoolhouse, making the most of their recess. Women gossiped over their bread and cheese as they sat under their tent, their sowing left unattended for now.

Just the sight of the bread alone made Rin's stomach growl with earnest. Before Rin bought the produce, she had hoped to use the leftover coin to buy a pork bun for her first meal of the day, but now she would have to wait till she cooked dinner that evening to taste even a morsel. With a heavy sigh, Rin kept marching to her next destination.

"Rin!"

Freezing at the shout of her name, Rin slowly turned around to see Mr. Chris waving her over. She didn't want to think about what the gruff blacksmith wanted with her, but she approached anyway. The last thing she needed was another complaint filed against her reaching her father.

Yet Mr. Chris, a tall man with black skin who was mostly muscle and had an ugly scar disfiguring the right side of his face, didn't seem upset at Rin for whatever reason that had been dreamed up since the last time someone, namely Luki, wanted to cause her trouble. Instead he looked to be displeased with the young man by his side. The young man shifted from foot to foot, seemingly more out of energetic restlessness than concern over this big man glaring at him.

"Yes, sir?" Rin questioned, switching her basket to her other arm.

Mr. Chris, whose arms were crossed, used his chin to point at the other guy. "This lad here is looking for your father's farm. Your father's still looking for more helping hands, right?"

"Yes, sir." Rin turned her attention to the young man by Mr. Chris's side. He was a tall, skinny fellow who looked more like a scarecrow than a person. Unless he was applying to scare birds and other pests away from the vegetation, she doubted he would get the job. The poor soul didn't look as if he could hold a rake he was so thin.

"Then he can follow you home." With that, Mr. Chris waved his hand in the air as if wiping off an item on his to-do list. He turned away, and that was the end of the exchange.

The young man turned to Rin and grinned, and she used the opportunity to study him a little more. He had olive skin, dirty blond hair that stuck out in every which way, and golden eyes. His clothes fit far too loosely, giving away just how gawky he was. Nothing about this man made him appear qualified to work on her father's farm. She was never going to see him again.

"Nice to meet ya!" the young man greeted, sounding far too cheerful, as he and Rin walked away from the blacksmith's shop. "Name's Akita Nero. You are?"

He doesn't know what I am then. Okay, good. It's been a long while since I had decent conversation with a stranger.

"Kagamine Rin," she told him. Nero held out his hand, and Rin hesitated a moment before taking it. After Nero gave her hand a firm shake, Rin pulled away and asked, "Where are you from?"

"Tangerice," he answered.

"Isn't that village far from here?"

"Only by twenty miles. I was looking for work when Kagamine Leon's want ad reached the border of town. When I caught wind of it, I grabbed my purse and came straight here."

"Did you walk the whole way?"

"Yep. Stopped last night to rest, then woke up before dawn to finish the journey."

Not sure what to make of Nero's chirpy attitude, Rin said, "Well, your journey is nearly over. The farm is a twenty-minute walk from here. Follow me and—"

"Pardon the interruption," Nero cut in, "but were ya running errands when that scary man called ya over?"

"I can do them later. It's really no trouble."

"Nah, finish them now," Nero replied. "I don't mind the wait. Ya said it's only a twenty-minute walk from here? That's nothing! Ya do what ya need to do before we head that way."

Rin wanted to argue, but she knew arguing wouldn't end well if he saw her left wrist. Even if he really was kind enough to insist Rin finish her errands first, she still didn't want to risk it. Of course, this man was new to town and likely wouldn't stay after not getting the job. Never seeing him after this interaction motivated her to be a little careless in conversation. Although she knew better, Rin held her left arm in a way to hide her exposed wrist as she gave in.

Working quickly in case Nero lacked patience, Rin dropped off her letters at the church before Pastor Fukase knew she stopped by and visited Ms. Yuezheng's shop to buy, to her relief, half a cloth pattern. Rin folded the cloth and stepped outside the tent. When she didn't see Nero, Rin looked around and tried to swallow her heart.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to ditch ya," Nero suddenly called out, causing Rin to jump. A pork bun in each hand, he explained, "I smelt something good and thought I'd give it a try."

Rin looked at his hands and asked before she realized her mouth was open, "You're going to eat two?" She couldn't even afford one. There was nothing left in her coin purse.

That was why it surprised Rin when Nero held a hand out and answered, "Actually, I bought one for ya, as a thanks for taking me to your father's farm. Well, I know we're not there yet, but we will be soon so I guess an early payment isn't too big a deal. Unless ya aren't hungry?"

Feeling her stomach tie itself into knots at the sight of the very thing she wanted for lunch being offered to her, Rin greatly desired to accept the pork bun. Yet she didn't trust this man, and she especially didn't trust his kindness.

"I did already eat, but thank you regardless," she said, her stomach tightening so hard it hurt. It was as if her body punished her for refusing the food she badly needed. Rin reminded her stomach it was better to starve in safety than to feast in beatings.

Nero shrugged before biting into the first pork bun. The sight too painful to watch, Rin turned away and told him that she was done with her errands and they would be going to her father's farm now. He followed close behind, finishing the first pork bun and then eating the second.

After he had devoured both pork buns, Nero began conversing with Rin. "So, what do ya grow on the farm? What kind of help does your pa need?"

"We need help picking our cherry trees and also preparing the soil to plant butternut squash, sweet potatoes, and pumpkins. Maintain the crops all through summer, and then harvest in autumn just in time for the Celebration of Colors."

Nero nodded along as Rin spoke. He didn't ask about wages or if housing was provided. Instead he asked, "Will I get to see more of ya if I get a position?"

Cheeks heating up, Rin answered Nero's question with one of her own. "Why are you asking something so insane?"

"Is it insane to want to spend more time with ya and get to know ya?"

So he hadn't seen her tattoo yet after all, and Rin didn't help the situation by keeping it hidden against her body. However, she really wanted to talk to someone who saw her as another person too much to be more rational. "You're being too forward, Mr. Akita."

"Please, call me Nero, and I apologize if it seems I'm being forward. It's only that you're the first person I met in this town – well, not including the blacksmith – and I would like to think we could be good friends if given the opportunity."

"You don't want to be friends with me." Rin regretted saying the words, but she didn't doubt their truth.

Nero didn't ask why Rin thought that, however. What he said was, "I think I should at least get to know ya before deciding whether or not I want to be friends with ya. Does Mistress Kagamine not wish to be friends with me?"

"I'm no mistress. Just Rin is more than fine."

"Okay, does Just Rin not wish to be friends with me?"

Despite herself, Rin snorted. "You are persistent."

"Ya haven't answered my question."

"Very well. Like you, I would need to get to know you before I can decide whether or not I want to be friends with you."

"And will there be opportunities for us to get to know each other?"

"I fail to see why this is so important to you."

"Perhaps this is important to me because I think you're interesting."

"Interesting?" Rin looked at Nero from the corner of her eye to see him smiling widely at her.

"I know first impressions don't tell a lot about a person," he began, "but my first impression of ya when the blacksmith called ya over was how pretty ya are."

Rin ducked her head down. If her burning cheeks was an indication, she didn't want Nero seeing her blush.

"Next was you seemed rather passive," Nero continued, either ignoring or oblivious to her turned away face. "Now, as it's only the two of us around, ya seem rather outspoken. Interesting indeed. I'm curious to know if you're strong-willed or without agency, and if the former, why ya pretend otherwise with an audience."

He still hasn't figured it out yet. "And if you get your answer," Rin replied, "what then?"

"I would like to find out if my other impressions are correct."

"Other impressions?"

"Calm, level-headed, easily fed up with the likes of me—"

"I'll tell you now that last one is correct," Rin stated, laughing. She then slammed her jaw shut.

However, Nero didn't seem offended. He simply laughed as well and added, "Blunt, too. I can respect that."

"Most people don't. They like to be told what they want to hear."

"Not me."

"What if you don't like what you hear?"

"If I'm going to take offense at every comment that doesn't agree with me, then I'm too emotionally immature to have valid arguments and opinions."

As her cheeks no longer felt flushed, Rin turned her attention back to the young man. He was smarter than he looked, that much was now evident. Yet there was still a skip to his step, his arms swinging carefree by his sides. There didn't seem to be any burdens of life on his shoulders. Either that, or he carried them well.

"I think you're the interesting one here, Mr. Nero," Rin slowly replied, looking away again.

"Is that a compliment or an insult?"

"I'll leave that for you to decide." Before Nero could reply, Rin announced, "We're here."

"Thank ya again for guiding me," Nero said as they stopped. He moved to stand in front of Rin, reached out, and took her free right hand. "I hope this won't be the last time I see ya."

Rin didn't expect Nero to kiss the back of her hand, that was why she was too stunned to yank it out of his grasp. He smiled as he dropped it soon after. If nobody had seen it, that would have been the end.

Only somebody did see.

And that wasn't the end.

What was meant to be a simple expression of gratitude was going to be a crime for which Rin would be punished.

It was from the corner of her eye Rin saw him coming. She jumped away from Nero, her heartrate shooting up. Pointing out the approaching man, Rin told Nero that the newcomer was her father.

Kagamine Leon glared at his daughter as he grew closer. Yet when he was within earshot, he called out, "Greetings, young man! What is your business here?"

"Greetings, Mr. Kagamine!" Nero returned, grinning the way he did at Rin back in town. "I'm Akita Nero from Tangerice. I saw your want ad and immediately was on my way. Tell me, do ya still need a hand?"

Looking Nero up and down, Leon clearly had the same initial thoughts Rin had. However, he couldn't deny Nero employment without first seeing what the young man had to offer. It was a law that never worked in Rin's favor, but perhaps it would give Nero a chance.

"Go inside the house and begin your chores," Leon told his daughter. Nero couldn't see it, but Rin could and did.

Rin forced herself to swallow. "Yes, father."

As she treaded to the house, she heard her father tell Nero, "I'm so sorry Rin had to be the first you met here. I promise, employment here won't be a shame for you to bear. My daughter is the only Juliet on this farm."

Not hearing Nero's reaction nor wanting to hear it, Rin kept marching forward. Now that Nero knew, he would be repulsed and wonder why he didn't seek out the blood rose tattoo on her left wrist sooner. That's how the story always ended for Rin's potential friends.

And that, Nero, is why you don't want to be friends with me, Rin silently told the young man as she walked farther and farther away from the first and last taste of kindness from a stranger she experienced in a long, long time.

[xpwewarchive]

XPWEW Friday Night Pyro (5-1-2020)

Friday Night Pyro #424 May 1st, 2020

Xtreme Rumble Recap video

Show Intro

Fireworks and Kaitlyn Khaos informs us tonight Golden Bryce will speak 1 on 1 with the 2020 Xtreme Rumble winner Ruckus PLUS: Big main event! Leonard McGraw will team for the first time ever with Jake Awesome as they take on the I-N champion Slayer and Garrett Thompson

Opening Segment:

Golden Bryce enters

Golden Bryce: For the 2nd year in a row I’ll be going into Lockdown as the world heavyweight champion but this time I’ll be defending it against someone very very deserving and that’s why I’d like to respectfully introduce him right now. Ladies and Gentlemen Ruckus

Ruckus with The Set enters

Golden Bryce congratulates Ruckus Bryce: In three weeks me and you have the ultimate privilege of making history. The first time a black champion defends against a black challenger for the richest prize in this industry-.... Ruckus: pfffft What? Bryce: confused Uh Ruckus: I don’t want that....I don’t care about it. History. Will history pay me? Will history feed my kids? I don’t care if I’m black and you are purple. I know that the world champion makes the most money. I won the rumble. 29 others didn’t. So that means yes I have a shot but understand up front right now so we ain’t got no confusion later. I DO NOT LIKE YOU. Ruckus: I don’t like how people even be talking about you? Like you’ve actually done something..People talk about this Golden Bryce nigga like he done something. I walk into XPWEW Headquarters and they’ve replaced posters and walls of Jake Awesome and put you up. How many titles have you won 4? I’ve won the tag team titles here 7 times. And twice I’ve been an international champion so somebody tell me how you getting put up on the wall? Golden Bryce: I didn’t pay anybody. I didn’t ask. I come in, I clock into my job. I entertain this people. Some cheer me. Some boo me. But those who boo me can live with that and that’s fine. Cheer me, great I’ll fight for those people until I can’t anymore Ruckus: Nah nah homie that ain’t my point. See this company from within us rotted out. If they think they tryna replace Jake Awesome they are dead wrong. You are not Jake Awesome and don’t act like you ain’t tweet a year back, I’m the new Jake. You look up to that man, you can’t stand the fact that that man hates your guts. Your childhood hero. But you fooled impressionable losers like Shane McCoy and Troy Clausen and Micheal Bradford. You must be doing under the table work round here cause you really getting a lot handed to you. So now every week for a year you either happy to finally get the title or you all bummed out, ass dragging, sad ass McGee and shit bout you ain’t get this, you ain’t got that. Then you carry yourself like you just doing you nah. Jake Awesome carried his own weight. Jake Awesome is a man. Jake Awesome earned that. You and maybe no fault of you own shit I don’t know but you ain’t even the best in that locker room as a matter of fact you one of the sloppiest and basic cats they got in there. So no I don’t like this confidence you got. We got an elite locker room and you the face of it. That the biggest pile of bullshit I’ve ever seen. You ain’t even top 80 thus industry ever seen. Me? Hey I’ve never been world champion but I’ve never lost a Lockdown. That’s right pimp 3-0. You lost to Jake last year and yet your ass on the y’all building in Bassett. I understand they don’t wanna see me win but you ain’t got no self awareness and that’s why I wanna smack the shit out you right now Golden: Why don’t you try it I’ll drop you where you stand Ruckus: Haha I know you got a baby on the way but don’t be surprised when it’s dark skinned.... (ooooooh) Bryce: Gets up close to Ruckus’ forehead Ruckus: slaps Bryce The Set starts attacking Bryce at the back of his knees (((Bryce and Ruckus start brawling)) Eventually Ruckus gets the upper hand The Set joins in and now a 5 on 1 attack as The Set attack Bryce relentlessly Ruckus then takes off his sock and then Jordan hands him a “pool balls” Yes the debut of billiards balls. Ruckus shoves 2 in a sock and starts mercifully beating down Bryce with it Myron and Kotto drag Bryce to the corner they pull his legs between the turnbuckle and all jump off the top rope mule kicking the back of his head At the end of the assault Ruckus pulls off Bryce’s Jordan 2’s and utters “Oh we gon’ sell these junts on eBay” Bryce is left in the ring by himself and he slowly gets himself up like this Incredible Hulk transformation on his face as this match just got took to the next level. Bryce grabs his title and slowly limps back to the locker room without any shoes on because The Set stole them

M1: XPWEW Women’s World Championship Prisiclla Kelly (c) defeats All Woman w/ All Man

After the match Brian Lee comes down and Prisiclla fights Lee off with a kendo stick that typically is Kiera’s weapon of choice Kiera comes down with THE MOST OBVIOUS WIG OF ALL TIME to hide her newly bald hair Kiera cuts promo at ramp: Rematch clause bitch! Re clap Match You and me! LD!

Doxy Deity runs right past her and snatched the weave from the back of Kiera’s head as it snatches her bald and Kiera explodes fuming in anger as she tries to hide her scalp with her hands

“You bitch”

Doxy then runs in the ring and goes forehead to forehead with Priscilla and oh shit this rivalry runs deep remember the barbed wire massacre at Anarchy Rules 2019 Doxy points at the Lockdown sign and Prisiclla just punches her and we got an all out brawl Prisiclla and Doxy trade punches Until Brian Lee recovers and hits both of them with 9-1-1 Kiera runs in and grabs her weave and then laughs maniacally grabbing Prisiclla’s title “Mine!!!!! This is mine!”

Joe Gacy enters

Audrey Carbine enters

M2: DeathMatch (Very very bloody) ((((Match of the night))) Audrey Carbine defeats Joe Gacy

After the match the both have a middle finger pointed right at the other but Gacy says you’ve earned my respect and now we have the team of “Death Machines” formed right before our eyes after beating the hell out of each other Gacy has now agreed to teaming with Audrey Carbine and man what a unit

Promo: Mandy Leon cuts promo hyping up Gotch as a killer with no emotions Champagne responds to which Troy comes down with a contract for Lockdown and Champagne shakes it off and ignored him at ringside the whole match

1 on 1 M3: Simon Gotch w/ Mandy Leon defeats Champagne Clausen

Troy Clausen runs in and presses the pen to Champagne’s chest. Champagne grabs the pen and then starts poking Troy in his eyes with it. Ultimately after stabbing Troy multiple times in the face with the pen it sparks blood and Champagne gruesomely signs the contract in his father’s blood then gets a new pen and signs his name and just like that it’s official Champagne vs Troy Clausen Father vs Son in a No Holds Barred

Champagne: No more talk, No more games. I’m gonna Murder you on the 23rd slams mic

Backstage: All Man tells All Woman All Man: Well maybe he’s not gonna get that 2nd world title reign And maybe you just are going to get your first women’s title reign. But after watching them it makes me think Why not us! All Woman: Why not who? All Man: Us? Why not us? Look at Carbine and Gacy absolutely brutalized each other just to BE partners. We are peanut butter and jelly, were milk milk lemonade All Woman: I think that second one is wrong but you mean it? Me and you. tag team champions. All Man: Why not? All Woman: We gotta get a tag win under our belt tonight and I’m not wasting any more time being and after thought let’s go tell Romeo

1 on 1 M3: Jacques Dudley defeats Dragon Kid

Romeo Roselli: announcement: Alveno La Flare cuts a promo and says if Jacques can beat him next week the winner will challenge Jordan Oliver for the juniorweight title at lockdown

Alveno La Flare shakes his mentor’s Jacques hand at ringside

Jake Awesome enters in street clothes (first appearance on Pyro in 7 months)

Jake Awesome addresses Lotus Jake: If I knew I was gonna get eliminated by a girl in the Rumble I probably wouldn’t have came back but sadly guys I got news that New Line Cinema dropped the Captain Falcon project and I worked hard on it and maybe some day that film will see the light of day

Slayer enters Slayer: And the Oscar for biggest Hollywood failure is......Joseph Alfonso While you were gone in Hollywood drinking boxed water and injecting steroids into your jawline I was here and I was the XPWEW International Champion the whole time You nearly faded away into obscurity but you left on a loss, you left like a chump. I’ve always been here. The distinction between us was always neck and neck and deep down I always knew you were the weaker link despite any article you read or any opinion that wants to spout out the mouth. To me you’ve always been jealous To me you’ve done less but always gotten all the glory. It’s never what Slayer did for this promotion it’s always what “Jake” did oh Jake did this, Jake accomplished that. I’ve proved I WILL DIE to win in this ring You will leave it You’ll leave this industry and hope your little brother Casey might be able to do it well he’s been in developmental for a year and absolutely nothing Lotus on the other hand, My own daughter eliminated you from the rumble on Sunday. However I didn’t win I won’t the next best thing But in my mind my plan was to leave you broken When you left it was the larvae who derailed you not Hollywood, please don’t mislead the fans here I put you out on your ass and you came back and Lotus ended it for ya Lotus even wanted me to ask she wants you 1 on 1 next week Jake: And she’s got it Jake: All my career I’ve had to brush no pun intended there didn’t mean to press a “thorn” into your side. Slayer: shakes his head Jake: The Starven Family continues to haunt my career lol Lotus has a lot to say a little odd for you to be speaking for her, She’s an outspoken woman. She’s tough she wants to go toe to toe with the men here I respect that and I’ll grant her that but Joey me and you go back and you know better than else I can’t win in any circumstance and after I beat her Friday I wanna let you be on notice. I’m coming for you. Me and you we’ve never had that classic Lockdown match ever and I wanna do just that. But not really for your appeasement I want that points at International Championship I’ve never been the International Champion and online I see the posts, I see the memes that I’ll never be a Grand Slam champion well guess what I’m gonna do that I’m gonna chase that title and only that title So that’s a reminder that all the mind games you wanna trap in my way mean nothing and I will leave Lockdown 7 the XPWEW International Champion. Slayer: Times past bud, You don’t make the decisions around here. It’s over. They took down your murals, they took down Jake Awesome we don’t look to you as the leader anymore so ship up and shape up and get with the program you aren’t the captain anymore. And you’ve been gone so long you forgot the hierarchy that I make the decisions and I decide that you just go back home and let me do what I do. Just go home. Never come back. We were all so close to forgetting you anyway......

Tag Team Match M4: Jake Awesome & Leonard McGraw defeat Garrett Thompson and Slayer

Jake pins Slayer clean with the awesome bomb, buckshot combo assist from McGraw

After the match Lotus and Rosemary come down and Rosemary sprays mist in Jake’s eyes then Lotus puts him in a Helm Sharpshooter but McGraw grabs her off and nearly strikes her but doesn’t

Backstage: Siaka Lexoni talks to Robbie Williams “remember our old team, consider you an honorary member of The Set tonight” *Robbie smiles puts outs the shirt on

Robbie Williams enters

Golden Bryce enters

1 on 1 M5: Golden Bryce defeats Robbie Williams

Interference from Myron Reed as he hits Bryce with his own title belt immediately after the match. Ruckus who’s smoking a blunt inhales and exhales on Bryce’s face Ruckus sets up smoking his bleezy in the corner Myron sets up a table

And Myron, Kotto, Jordan and Lexoni all pick a leg or arm of Bryce and hoist him up collectively in the air and Bryce crashes through the table

Ruckus just watches as he smokes his blunt against the turnbuckle

Ruckus ashes out the blunt on Bryce’s chest and then hits a cocky pin on him as The Set pose around him and Jordan Oliver takes photos for Instagram

Show Ends

[tumbalumps]

Shitfest, a true story. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

I am trying to add to this to make it into a full story. Some cunt turned up at my flat and actually did this. 

Alcohol abuse leading to extreme embarrassment.

Ahh… yeah that rush… The rush of a well needed line. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to embrace it. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, my thudding heart raced as my mood propelled to an arrogant god-like state. The events of last night were insignificant. I got set to work sorting through the huge pile of DVD’s using every ounce of concentration to put them in alphabetical order as I felt the tingling in my fingertips, slowly coursing through my veins. Already the worst humiliation I had ever experienced seemed a distant memory. Cocaine…. The solution to all my problems and my one true love…

24 hours earlier

As per the norm on a Friday, I was fucking wasted, no two ways about it. It was my day off work and I was in town hoping to bump into someone I knew. Sadly there was nobody; the few close friends I had were working and the miserable weather had kept a lot of people away. I sat down in the arcade and grunted, annoyed that I had to light one of my own cigs! Fucks sake.

I was feeling really loved up, the coke was fucking banging, slightly better than normal. Not that it was ever shit. I paced frantically up and down the tiny shopping centre grinding my teeth furiously as I struggled to plan my day. My bed-sit was not an option; I would climb the walls and die of boredom. All I wanted to do was talk to someone! Or better yet get a fuck!

Then I decided, I’ll go over Leon and Jenny’s. They weren’t close friends, I’d only been to their flat a few times before. They’d been at my dealer’s picking up about a year ago, seen me on my own and invited me over a few times. I was a great party guest! Neither of them worked so they were pretty much guaranteed to be home. Being a Friday too there was a high chance that they’d be off it. That was where I was headed: off it. If all went according to plan, maybe I could drop a few hints on a threesome. I’m not that fussy on men or women really. I grabbed a big dirty bottle of cheap Vodka on the way there to offer to share with them, which would lead to them bringing out the drugs and letting me crash there for a bit.

When I got there I found them on full phet alert staring bug eyed at the TV. They made a tiny bit of small talk with me, reminding me on several occasions that they weren’t expecting me but that seemed to be effort.

Too engrossed playing some game on the PS3 and hurling abuse about a Senator or something. Don’t care. I was always too off it to use a PS3, my hands tremble terribly, especially on cocaine. I made myself at home, sprawling out on the free sofa and kicking my trainers off into the middle of the floor. A waft of foot odor hit me in the face; I’d had my thick white cotton socks on all day when I was pacing town so they were soaked through and starting to get grubby on the heel. I think I’d worn them the day before too… not sure. Either way they buzzed! I swiftly whipped them off and slapped on the radiator on the opposite side of the room, unfortunately right next to Leon and Jenny’s couch. Leon’s jaw dropped and he stared at me in shock and horror.

“What? Fucking socks are soaking,” I said defensively instinctively throwing my shoulders back and thrusting my chest out.

Leon shook his head then diverted his focus back to the TV. Grumpy, miserable fuck, I thought to myself. How did he expect me to sit with wet socks? What else was I meant to do with them?  I flopped back on the settee, dangling my legs over the arm and swinging them. I caught Jenny glancing at the nearby side table of glasses, blatantly panicking that I was going to knock them off. My drug radar started going off when I saw the big pile of speed on the side table. I want. The couple was drinking Bacardi so I poured myself a generous half pint of Vodka to catch up.

Two neighbours from down the hall popped round a little later, by this time I was quite drunk; it seemed the vodka had overpowered my coke buzz. There was nothing else to do seeing as the conversation was so thin on the ground. To my delight one of the neighbours sat next to me on the settee. Leon and Jenny were still gurning and snarling at this Senator who was battering them so I told them they were crap.  Jenny snapped back at me that it was on Very Hard and not even her game and maybe I should have a go if I was so quick to judge. I let out a loud belch, “Nah man. I can’t hold the fucking thing still. Oh, any chance you can sort me a bit of speed?”

They didn’t want to give me any, selfish scabby cunts; it wasn’t as if I was proper off it. I tried to engage with the guy next to me but he was more interested in that fucking Metal Gear Whatever game too. Guess me being twenty-nine, almost a decade older than them didn’t help. Cunts.

There was a moment where I got emotional, I felt so left out so I told them (again) about what a really shit childhood I had. Finally, they turned the fucking game off; they still were at the same part and set up a hand of poker. I tried to concentrate but I kept trying my luck with this guy, I didn’t care that he was a guy. He told me to stop trying to look at his cards and that he had a girlfriend. Everything got blurry from then on…

I told him I had coke stashed in my beanie - that that would surely tempt him. He said they would be going home soon and maybe I should go home too and get some sleep. Pussy. I called him a cunt and said I didn’t fancy him anyway. Asshole.

Cards went tits up. I kept getting confused as to what game we were playing. I was sweating loads and felt a bit sick. A nice line would pick me up I thought but when I checked my stash place it was gone. Naturally, I went fucking bonkers, which one of these based up twats had nicked it? And why the fuck wouldn’t they sort me a bit of phet? They had enough to sink a battle ship, the cunts.

The two guys left, tried to persuade me to go with them home to bed. Nah, I’m where the drugs are! The phet fiends put that goddamn unholy PlayStation back on. I protested but they just looked at me almost pitifully and said they couldn’t understand what I was saying. Well they should try less fucking button bashing and try cleaning their ears. Morons. It had made perfect sense to me. I was not drunk! I could handle a whole bottle of vodka in a few hours no problem because I’m fucking awesome!

Feeling confused and irritated I went to the toilet, I could feel my guts retching. I tried hard not to fall but I crashed into a huge cage full of rats (eew) and almost knocked it over. They were Jenny’s; she was always babbling on about her beloved pets. She looked at me seething with rage. Who the fuck has rats as pets anyway?

“Plague,” I slurred at her, dribbling a bit.

In the toilet, thank fuck I managed not to puke, for now but to my horror for some reason I couldn’t fathom, I’d moved my precious coke to my combats pocket, the damn bag was broke and it was all over the place, most of it ruined! Heartbroken and drunk, I started to cry. I’d tried so hard to keep it hidden so I wouldn’t have to share and now it was all gone. It was incredible stuff too and hadn’t come cheap. What was I going to do? Before I knew it I was drunkenly bawling like a little kid. Jenny heard me crying and came to investigate.

“You need to lay off the vodka sweetie,” she smiled. “Much preferred you when you’re firing off insults. How about a hug?”

A few tears always did the trick! Although I was genuinely devastated about the lost coke I made out I got so wasted because I was thinking about my shit childhood and felt lonely and miserable. Blah… blah… I said I would go if they wanted because I was an idiot and I hated myself. I gave a subtle nod towards my arm that was scarred and hacked to bits from my shameful twenty year self-harming habit. The fool fell for it, can’t beat a bit of reverse psychology and hideous knife marks!

There was an element of truth in my tears, there were times when I’d despise myself and all my ugly flaws but on that occasion I did exaggerate a little. It worked. Having a warm comforting hug and soothing words spoken to me was like heaven. Didn’t get much physical contact from people.

“Go and lie down for a bit, you’re being drunk and emotional. That’s not like you at all,” Jenny smiled brushing my unruly blonde hair out of my face and giving me a tissue for my constantly runny nose.

I fell back to my settee, feeling uncomfortably drunk. It was hard to string a sentence together. While they were all bug eyed, I started to feel sleepy. I gazed longingly at that magic powder. I would have sold my soul but they didn’t seem to want to share because they were both greedy selfish video game geeks. I’d tried asking once and got none so regrettably I had no choice but to offer them money.

“I’ve got a fiver,” I struggled to say coherently.

“OK then, only a bit to wake you up. But please don’t drink anymore, you’re really drunk. Don’t think I’ve ever seen you this drunk.”

They did look concerned. I was flailing about like a wreck head and there were lots of glasses nearby. I’d already knocked a few over. Silly fuckers could always get more. I could tell I was starting to annoy them, especially Leon judging from the looks he was firing at me. What would happen if I knocked a drink over the PS3…? No more gurning at that fucking sword wielding ninja he kept killing. Without a console, they might be more up for some sex! Jenny was pretty friendly in the kitchen… Any longer hugging me and I would have had a raging hard-on. I was about to boot a full pint glass off the side table until I realised it was what was left of my vodka. Damn. Really didn’t think that through!

I watched the veteran fiends make bombs, massive ones because their tolerance was shamefully high.  Great big lumps of white powder wrapped up neatly in cigarette papers all ready to swallow…  Leon separated a bit from his huge lump and begrudgingly passed it over in a bowl.

“Don’t make them as big as ours and don’t take it too quick,” he grunted abruptly. “You know what happened last time.”

Twats thought they could outdo me! I may have only taken phet a few times (admittedly the last time I overdid it) but I knew how to handle it now! I put the same into mine with a little extra. I was the elder; they should be looking up to me not patronising me! I pounded that nasty smelling shit, doubling up on what they did.

“Slow down a bit, don’t want you climbing up the fucking walls thinking there are helicopters after you again.”

Condescending fucks. I hurled a nearby remote control at them but it missed and clattered onto the floor so all the batteries came out. They turned and scowled at me disapprovingly. All I could muster up was a sneer and a middle finger. Neither dignified me with a response. Emotional Jack was gone; (my confidence soared now that I had drugs) arrogant, foul mouthed venom spewing Jack was back.

“Ginger cunt,” I belched at them. “You’re fucking shit on that game.”

Jenny ignored me and went back to hunching and abusing the angry looking guy on the TV. Leon even had the nerve to mutter something along the lines of, “childish prick. Too immature to know his limit.” In retaliation I gulped down the remaining vodka and the dregs of the cans that the boys had left earlier.  I smirked at them as I dropped a huge bomb that would rival a full blown nuclear war head. The fucker split in my mouth and made me drool and gag a bit but I eventually managed to swallow it. I would be hunched like a cave person calling Senator Metal Thing all the names under the sun. Sadly, the increasingly frustrated fiends were trying very hard to ignore me.

Thirty minutes passed. I was sweating profusely. My T-shirt clung to me and their sofa was absolutely drenched with it. My stomach was cramping like crazy. The vodka curdling with all those chemicals I’d been pumping into my body with no food to dilute them (who needs food when you can chew your tongue?) My head started spinning; my nose was sore, probably due to all the chemical burns and was running too. I was so hot and uncomfortable I feared I would be sick any second. I curled up on my side and turned my back to them, wincing in pain at my now agonising stomach. I felt like I was going to chuck at both ends. Then the shaking started. Horrible, uncontrollable shivering. I felt like I was on a rollercoaster. Next came the jaw, it tightened like a noose and I involuntarily began to feast on my lip. Wasn’t long before I tasted blood and nasty mucus. I knew there was no point in trying to speak, I couldn’t think straight let alone string a sentence together. They didn’t care anyway, and who could blame them? I knew deep down I was horrible and arrogant when I was high, and to my friends who had shown me nothing but kindness. No wonder some indoorsy phet-addicts were my only friends. Feelings of self-pity and self-hate consumed me, I groaned and whined that I felt really ill and was so sorry for the way I had behaved. This time it was completely genuine. They didn’t care though.

“Get a grip,” Leon snapped impatiently tossing a blanket over me. “You didn’t fucking listen so what did you expect?”

With the last of my strength I reached out for a hug but he recoiled in horror when he saw how ill and clammy I looked.

“Eurgh! Go to sleep and we’ll chat in the morning you crazy wreck head. Don’t know why you get so wasted. Have some food, you’ll feel better. Want me to make some toast for you?”

I wretched at the mere thought of it. I hadn’t eaten for days and didn’t want to start now.  Finally the finishing bomb kicked in, sending my fragile mind into a parallel universe of buried thoughts and suppressed horrible memories. I had flashbacks to being a little boy locked in a box room with nothing but a dirty mattress. Every time I heard the doorknob turn I wet myself with fear. I knew what was coming… Stop thinking about it, I told myself. It’s not happening… I opened my eyes I looked at my manky hacked up arm and realised I had an extra one and that everything was moving. Eurgh!! Utter terror! Then to my horror a fucking snake crawled out from under the cushion, looked me right in the eyes and said, “Think of all them chemical burns corroding away at your insides. Your brain cells are turning into maggots and they’re gonna eat you from the inside out you bubonic didge. Wait, is that a siren I just heard?”

Fuck this shit. I was too ill and weak to check the windows or lock the doors. If there were sirens it meant the police must have been coming for me. Stripped of whatever dignity I had left, I sobbed like a baby as I heard giggles and camera snaps as those utter fucks filmed me.

“Too much didge,” one of them commentated.

I desperately tried to ask them to lock the doors so no police would storm the flat but all I managed to do was dribble all over myself into my hair, which was already tangled. How attractive and charming I must have looked. Definitely no chance of a threesome now. Fuck it. Don’t remember passing out but it must have come as a welcome relief. With any luck I snored loudly as well as sweating and dribbling all over the furniture. Oh god… it could not get any worse!

I woke up a few hours later still feeling dazed and confused but thankfully there were no SWAT teams or snakes out to get me. The first thing that hit me was a vile smell - alcohol, rat shit, my sweat with hints of all the drugs that had seeped through my pours. I’d done an excellent job of chewing my cheeks as well, now I had a mouthful of blisters as well as a disgusting taste in my mouth. Leon and Jenny looked the same as before I passed out and they were still on the same part of that goddamn fucking game!!! Why didn’t they just give up and turn it off? I rolled off the couch, grunting and sniffing making my presence known. My hair was stiff and matted with some hardened slimy bodily fluids. Fucks sake, I had to go back to work looking like a wild drug addled beast.

“Those fucking rats stink, you wanna clean them,” I slurred trying to divert my overpowering smell.

“Hmm…” they were too polite to tell me I smelled like sweat, sadness and death.

I was still a bit clammy from all the sweating but oddly the front of me was soaking. I looked at the big wet stain, puzzled then got a hideous waft of stomach bile, vodka and phet. Then I noticed half the cushions I’d been sleeping on were gone.

“Yeah you puked just as I was about to kill the cunt!” an incensed Leon yelled at me, obviously getting more and more infuriated by the Senator who was still grunting on the TV. “Got down to 2% when you suddenly start projectiling everywhere like a fucking fountain. Grr!” he was so mad he couldn’t get his words out. I was a bit scared. “You fucking retarded, didged Javo stuffed into a glitch! You’re about as much fun as a bag of glucose! Nah worse a group of women in a battered hostel on Christmas Day! You drug addled, retarded alcoholic, clumsy, self-harming, socially backward, vulgar, paranoid, moaning bubonic…ummm.. FUCK! Flailing and flopping like a fish uninvited and acting like a scabby, talentless, homeless degenerate! You self-absorbed, arrogant, cruel, cocky, nasty, selfish, self-pitying, desperate cunt. You were abused - get over it, it was twenty years ago. Sorry it happened but get over it! You think everyone loves you but you’re just the butt of everyone’s jokes and the local weirdo! Your jokes are crap, you think you’re funny when you’re vulgar and disgusting but you just make yourself look more of a retard. You’re rude and cheeky, come shifting in here like a bubon thinking you own the place! You’ll die alone in a gutter chewing your tongue as your liver turns to mush.”

I didn’t even listen to half of his raging. Clearly all his fury from that stupid game had been transferred to me. Obviously he thought I was awesome really, or they wouldn’t have mopped up my pukey chops while I was comatose, washed me and tucked me back in. So who were the real idiots? I shrugged like I had nothing to be ashamed of. I threw up, so what? If I could not remember, it wasn’t real to me anyway. Plus I had the ultimate comeback so I sneered back,

“At least I don’t stay up all night screaming at a fucking game. It’s not real you know. If you weren’t so engrossed in that then I wouldn’t have been so bored and drank so much. I work all day if I want to get off my face I will. You don’t fucking work do you? And obviously you adore me or you wouldn’t keep inviting me over. Chill out, it’s not my fault you’re shit at that game.”

I gave him a cheeky middle finger and a sick contorted gurn. Jenny had to hold him back as he raged about swinging me around by my hair and shoving my head in a blender.  A smug grin spread across my face as I scurried to the bathroom. I was infinitely pleased with myself for having a quick comeback considering I had just woke up and still felt spaced out and ill. However, it didn’t last as my fragile stomach cramped so badly I lost control of myself and spewed at both ends. No! I had fucking shit myself, for fucks sake. As if I couldn’t have humiliated myself any more… The one good thing was that nobody had seen. My green stomach bile had splattered almost everywhere except the toilet bowl. I hadn’t eaten in days, I shuddered at the realisation that that was my stomach lining decorating these baseheads nice clean bathroom.

My poor battered, abused body. My innards were corroding from the inside out. What was visible of my flesh was greying with ever increasing blemishes. That aside from the terrifyingly deep, loathing, resentful scars I’d gouged with almost every tool imaginable. They were not that of an angsty teenager going through a phase; they were deep-seated, ugly painful emotional scars I had collected throughout my life. I sighed, another one of my uncontrollable addictions that was literally ripping me apart. I really was rotten inside and out. No wonder nobody would have sex with me unless they were extremely drunk.

Anyway, back to the issue of my heavily soiled underwear that were way beyond any kind of salvation. I needed quarantine! I scratched my tightened jaw and pondered my options. I still couldn’t believe that I had actually shat myself for the first time in my adult life. I giggled; it was either that or break down in despair. My heart was racing. I had to get rid of the evidence. I couldn’t stuff them down the toilet, there were no windows and there was no way I was leaving them on. I could confess; tell Leon and Jenny that I had an upset stomach and hope they understood. They wouldn’t though. I would be a laughing stock. Leon would probably call me all the names under the sun and knowing my fragile state I’d start crying again. As if the smell of shame and regret wasn’t strong enough already. Man, I had to seriously leave off the drugs. I never normally showed my vulnerable side and I’d never ever soiled myself before! Actually, it was rare I let myself get in such a state! Seething with frustration I grunted and booted the side of the bath in a temper. All I achieved was stubbing my toe.

What made matters worse was that it wasn’t even my underwear. I vaguely recalled being off my fucking box a few nights ago and garden hopping in the hope of finding some valuables to steal. It was a posh garden and flapping on the washing line like a beacon were a pair of cotton shapeless green apple catchers with pretty daisies on them staring me in the face calling out to him. Being as high as a kite, I found them extremely amusing and took them as a trophy. That morning, all my clothes were dirty so it seemed like the obvious answer. Of all the fucking days to be wearing dodgy women’s underwear. At that point, I was glad I was still fairly impaired, I leaned against the wall giggling to myself like a maniac. You couldn’t make this shit up. Fuck it. I was still hurt and annoyed that a low level amphetamine addicted gurner who’d spent all night hurling abuse at a CGI character had the nerve to insult someone as incredible as me. Cheeky clart. I took off the offending knickers, falling and crashing noisily into the sink when I stood on one leg. Me being my usual flailing, clumsy self-knocked a load of toiletries off the shelf. Someone’s toothbrush landed in tghe toilet. Oops. I was fucking dangerous! The knickers were caked in clay like orange shit that smelled potently of eggs. They almost made me gag! I wedged them into the plug of the shower; I could hardly contain my laughter. If only I could have seen their faces when they discovered them! One of them would have to yank them up from being wedged into the holes down the plug hole! Hopefully it would be Leon. Hehe.

I quickly freshened up, cheekily borrowing the remaining toothbrush to clean my furry vomit tainted teeth. Despite a few stubborn bits of puke in my hair that refused to brush out, I felt and looked a million times better. I had been hoping to doss in the flat until I was due to start work in the afternoon but I had to escape before the atrocity was discovered. I really couldn’t face the long walk back home. Also, in a few hours I would have an ugly comedown to contend with as well as my sickly hangover. I could still smell the vodka on my breath. No doubt I’d be thinking about all the insults Leon had fired at me and the humiliation. He came into my workplace regularly so no doubt it would spread like wildfire. My boss hated me with a passion and a bit of gossip like that would be like winning the lottery to him. Knowing everybody was giggling and whispering about me being so off my face that I’d puked and shat all over myself would be too much to handle. Hmph, most of them thought I was a freak anyway.

There was only one solution. There was one person who would sort me a nice bag of coke (none of this cheap nasty amphetamine that obviously didn’t agree with me) and more than likely let me doss in his massive house until later if I did some housework for him in return. Good ol’ Barry! Greatest drug lord in the area! His basement was like a world class pharmacy. And he seemed to like me. I’d been in his house and chatted at length with him whereas other ‘clients’ got grunts down the phone and a runner sent out to meet them.

I stealthily crept into the master bedroom so I could use their house phone and dialed the number.

“Six,” I grunted when he answered the phone.

“Eh?” he asked, a bit confused at the strange number.

“Yo blad, its Jack, I’m a bit off it. Is it OK to pop round and chill for a bit, like now?” I whispered. “I’ll clean your kitchen and hoover up and shit. You know… stuff… whatever. And I want six bags of that magic pixie dust please.”

“It’s six in the morning you fruit loop. Gone through your last lot already have you?”

I hesitated: I couldn’t bring myself to admit I had lost some of it but I found it incredibly difficult to lie. That was part of my problem; too honest and open for my own good.

“Umm… I… ehh…. Bleurg,” I mumbled as I tried to create a lie but my involuntary incoherent babble struck again. “Ehh…errrr…umm…”

“Yes, yes OK, please stop. My fault for being stupid enough to ask you a question. You can sort out all my DVDs and CDs; they’re all mixed up again. Put them in alphabetical order. But I just woke up so for fucks sake so unless you can speak proper English don’t talk to me. Come on over then as soon as you’re ready.”

I grinned happily; at least somebody liked me. But still, I could not comprehend why he was so unusually friendly toward me and nobody else, especially when I called him at ridiculous hours and slurred down the phone at him.

“Thank you so much,” I blurted out. “I gotta find my shoes first though… You’re so kind.”

“Yeah, gotta look after my biggest customer. I’d be bankrupt if it weren’t for you and I could do with a laugh as well. So I’ll see you soon if you’re leaving now.”

I don’t know why the next part had to happen. The conversation was over. My vulgar streak that just couldn’t help rearing its ugly, depraved head came flurrying out with verbal diarrhea, “I just shat myself. Didn’t know what to do so I just left them in my mate’s shower. I can’t believe I shit my pants!”

There was an uneasy pause on the phone then a nervous laugh, unsure if that was the correct response.

“Right. Good stuff then. See you soon.” The line quickly went dead. Judging by the way the pitch of his voice shot up, he was stifling a belly full of laughter and was probably rolling around in hysterics.

Did a notorious, great hulking druglord need to know that I had soiled myself? Probably not. I wondered what would go through the mind of a sane, normal person being woken up to a phone call like that. Perhaps everybody dreamed of a 6am wakeup call from a coked up, drunk, babbling, vulgar Jack? Well, life was never dull when I’m around.  Already, I was uplifted just at the thought of hoovering up some nice coke with a mate who would not insult me. I could hear those dickheads yelling at Senator Psychosis again. After a whole night, it was clear they were too shit to finish that game. Dicks! While they were distracted I snuck into the kitchen giggling like a dizzy schoolgirl and stole a delicious looking cool bottle of Cava out of the fridge. Breakfast! That would teach the bubonic vermin loving gurning freaks to fuck with me! To my delight, my trainers were by the back door, dumped there after stinking out the living room. Good news for me, meant I’d have no reason to go back in the living room. They did not even deserve my goodbyes so I snuck out the back door and zigzagged my way to the druglord’s den!                  

[getseriouser]

20 THOUGHTS: It’s still only March

A hotly contested Round One, lots of upsets and great narratives from the weekend which suggests the season ahead has great promise.

The Crows, Bombers and Power were the big winners from last weekend, whereas the Giants, Blues and Dockers didn’t show us much to get excited about.

Off-field the trade talk and free agency simmers in the background and the AFLW capped off a wonderful inaugural season with a stellar finale on the Gold Coast.

 1.   I know one event was free and a Grand Final, the other was paid-entry and a home and away fixture, but the fact the AFLW Grand Final Saturday afternoon attracted over 15,000 fans, a wonderful result for the women’s game, yet the Q-Clash that night, the Queensland derby, Round One to a new season, only got 12,000, is very disappointing.

 2.   Mark Evans will have his work cut out for him in South-East Queensland as Suns CEO. Their talent is coming through and eventually they will play finals and field a side worthy of decent crowds, but there seems to be considerable damage to the market appeal for both QLD clubs, especially on the Gold Coast. Crowds have never turned up for any sport on the tourist strip, the league will need to be patient and extremely hard-working to ever see that change.

 3.   Travis Cloke was booed on Friday night and that became an issue? He was booed taking a set shot but hardly for any other touch the rest of the night, so perhaps that had something to do with it? And where was the outrage when fellow 2010 Premiership player Dale Thomas received significantly more heat when Collingwood plays Carlton? Not quite sure why this became an issue at all.

 4.   Marcus Bontempelli has been many pundits Brownlow pick and even received some votes in Saturdays paper for his game last Friday. He is a star, a wonderful young player, and someone that Dogs’ fans can be extremely buoyant about. But here and now, in 2017, he arguably wouldn’t even be in Geelong’s best two midfielders, let alone top five players in the AFL like Mark Robinson suggests. Hold your horses a touch.

 5.   This Essendon side will be mighty this year, my only fear was a slow start given the circumstances of the last 18 months. The signs on Saturday night against a ‘decent’ Hawthorn suggest that they might be alright from the word go, which is good signs for those optimised Bomber fans thinking of September footy. They are a real show, promise you.

 6.   As for their opponent Saturday night, it’s not all doom and gloom but the Hawks sides of the last five years simply don’t drop that game at all, they find a way, have a purple patch kick three or four goals and turn the momentum – they just get up. This side now has a vulnerable underbelly and the idea of winning another 15-16 games just looks unlikely.

 7.   The Giants had a nervous Preliminary Final last year and it cost them. They were the better side but the Dogs played it better. That same mentality, the lack of aptitude when it really matters or allowing themselves to play below standard, that is the only thing that stops them this year. And whilst Leon Cameron and his staff are good operators, this team still might be too flimsy to take home the chocolates come year’s end despite how insane their team is.

 8.   On the other hand Adelaide had a wonderful start and they will be a top-four fancy for sure. To smash the Giants by ‘that’ much is indicative of how cohesive Don Pyke has them playing but also that they’ve got the mix just right. A lot of ‘no names’ in that side but it doesn’t matter to win a flag – who would know Josh Dunkley or Toby McLean if they walked past them in the street?

 9.   It won’t appear as such on the stat sheet but the return of Paddy Ryder to the Port side on the weekend made a huge difference. As a number one ruckman he is one of the better proponents of the craft in the game. So whilst we all see Max Gawn as the premier ruckman in the league, don’t discount Ryder as someone who could have a year to reconsider that belief – he is a star.

 10.        Nick Riewoldt, luckily it wasn’t curtains with that knee injury on the weekend. Even so, we shall see how his career pans out in his twilight years, but would he could go down as the greatest player to never have won a Premiership or a Brownlow. Walk up Hall of Famer for sure.

 11.        The Lions performance on the weekend was super encouraging for Chris Fagan and the rest of the club. Most notable, which won’t get the proper love down in Melbourne, was the games of Harris Andrews and Eric Hipwood. This column has highlighted these two already and their games on the weekend, especially when Andrews played on Suns-superstar Tom Lynch, show the impact they can have on a Brisbane resurgence.

 12.        How good was the AFLW? Great crowds, very encouraging TV ratings, good corporate support and all based on a season pretty hastily organised and with the stuff up of the Grand Final to boot. This will go from strength to strength and don’t underestimate the league’s potential when situated in the ‘clear air’ of February with very little other competition in the sporting calendar.

 13.        Carlton are in the complete rebuild phase and why they didn’t get good picks from the Crows for Bryce Gibbs I’ll never know. But the Dale Thomas conundrum is a big one – he has given them little to no value on real big coin. He is out of contract this year and whilst many are saying he will go on, remember this: none of the current coaching staff or list management were around when he joined the club, so any sort of new deal being elementary is far from a good thing.

 14.        Here’s an idea: why don’t once a year, when they play a game in Melbourne, don’t Sydney wear a South Melbourne strip, complete with a traditional red V, and Brisbane wear a Fitzroy strip, not just the colours as they do now but with the FFC monogram instead of the Lion. Sydney has almost 15,000 Melbourne-based members and I know Brisbane is looking to reconnect with more Fitzroy supporters, there’s a novel way to try and maintain and improve those Victorian membership bases.

 15.        A forgotten superstar of the game who could easily have an All-Australian year without us even noticing – Dayne Beams. He is that good that should he stay fit (the big question, no doubt) he is a walk-up to the All-Australian squad of 40. Towards the end of his time at Collingwood he was always at the level of Scott Pendlebury, and we know the heights to which the competition rates the Magpies skipper.

 16.        Before we look into some of the key matchups of Round Two, remember, it was just Round One. Last year Melbourne defeated the GWS in Round One and they went on to have very different years. The first game of the year is more about who is more ready than whose going to be the better side; always wait at least two to three weeks before we can settle on some proper judgements.

 17.        Big game for the Crows and Hawks this week at the MCG, if the Crows can get up here that’s two massive wins to start the season, validating what they are working with at West Lakes, and they after just two weeks look a candidate for the top four, perhaps even the top two.

 18.        For Hawthorn, this will be a stern test as Adelaide won’t be a pushover. To be 0-2 will be quite the setback and early season doubts after an off-season of change, and where so much experience left the club, will be hard to budge.

 19.        Tomorrow night is the Grand Final rematch, after a loss last week at home to the Power, this really means a lot more for Sydney than the Dogs. They need to get one back otherwise the season is off to a horrendous start. It won’t be all complete doom and gloom but there’ll be plenty of questions asked if they are winless after two, for a side so many pencilled into top two calculations.

 20.        Dustin Martin watch – we know Richmond will throw all the cash at him, and to be honest I don’t see why they can’t afford to re-sign him, money shouldn’t be too much an issue. But he will have so many other offers. St Kilda, Adelaide, at least one if not both Sydney clubs, they’re definitely throwing big coin. Talk of North and maybe Collingwood as well, and list management meetings in Perth and Queensland have raised the possibility too. He has already chosen a new club already from the numerous offers or has made up his mind to consider a new one, thus the flurry of interest.

(originally published March 30)