#can we get a hashtag BIG SILLY in here fellas

[deerspherestudios]

I wanna teach mycheal about stardew valley. Its such a comfort game.raising chickens and cows and farming each season? Talking to villagers without scaring them? Getting to create an avatar how you want them to look? He'd LOOOOOVE it🫶🫶

But he had the technological knowledge of a grandpa

…..😔

Omg,, that'd actually be so cute. Maybe with a controller instead of a mouse and keyboard. It made me think how would he go about playing it and-- I hopped into the game for a bit and imagined he would make an avatar like so:

As for what he thinks of the game, it's exactly like you said! Though I think he'd be more thrilled about talking to everyone daily and participating in town events and festivals. Since he already farms in real life, why would he wanna do that in a game? He would focus more on ranching and have a huge collection of animals instead, for sure.

(Also his favourite bachelor/bachelorette would be Harvey/Emily since they were so welcoming in their intro dialogues.)

Bonus his thought process while making the character after cut:

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Four: Wolves Gone Wild

View in Google Docs

Summary: June 15, 2015 - With Sammy & Ben in contention over a forced apology regarding the Bass Tournament, a full moon causes all hell to break loose on the outskirts of King Falls.

[Podcast intro music]

[KFAM rock intro music]

Ben Top of the hour here on King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the AM dial. And we’re live here on this crisp, King Falls evening. It’s a full moon, and you know what that means, so be careful out there. It’s four AM, on the dot, and as per instructed by Merv, the station manager, who we will be—

Sammy [agitated] You’re really gonna play that.

Ben [sarcastically] Oh look who’s talking again, everybody! Sammy Stevens, ladies and gents.

Sammy Very funny, Ben. You know, we’ve played this apology enough. let’s just get back on track, how ‘bout it?

Ben Gotta do it.

[radio static as recording begins]

Sammy Hello, this is Sammy Stevens and I’m sitting here with Ben Arnold, your co-host of King Falls AM.

[record scratch]

Sammy No! We aren’t doing this, Ben.

Ben Sammy! I’m gonna have to file a report if we don’t play this apology at the top of every hour.

Sammy Write it up!

Ben I don’t want to!

Sammy Then don’t.

Ben Sammy— can we talk about this? Folks, uh, we’re just gonna take a quick break for—

Sammy No break, no apology, you wanna play that tape?

Ben No, but we have to!

Sammy Fine. You know what? We’ll do this one live, kids, and *angry laugh/huff* boy are you in for a treat.

Ben I don’t know, I—

Sammy [mildly outraged] So there’s a note, on the board, when we came in. We’re to record an apology to you, the dear listeners and residents of King Falls—

Ben Merv simply asked that we apologize for… creating a controversy at the 55th annual—

Sammy We talk about the news here. Relevant subjects that affect this town. What we don’t do- *angry laughing* What we would never do, is apologize for trying to cover a breaking news story! A dead body at a public event that King Falls AM is covering is News.

Ben Maybe Mayor Grisham went a little overboard kicking us out- I’m not saying he didn’t, but—

Sammy [outrage continues] If I owned this station! If I owned the station? I’d go after him. I mean, why isn’t Merv mad at Grisham. Why is this on us? [softer] Have you even met Merv, Ben?

Ben Yes— I mean… not in person, but— Look, we have a show to keep on track: in a few minutes we’ll be speaking with both of the winners of the 55th annual Bass Tournament—

Sammy How ‘bout this. How ‘bout we open up the phone lines and talk about how the good Mayor Grisham is strongarming the media—

[static]

Announcer This Sunday evening, at 7PM, we say goodbye to longtime host of King Falls Sewing Corner, Esther Rollens, the way she would’ve wanted us to.

Esther [old, wavering voice] Talkin’ about life, talkin’ about love, and crochetin’ a mean doily while we’re at it!

Announcer While we will all miss Esther’s sweet stitchery tips and needlepoint mastery, we’ll miss Esther even more.

Esther We’ll darn your socks, and maybe even darn your men to heck, while we’re at it.

Announcer We’ll reminisce and play clips from Sewing Corner’s illustrious twenty-four year run. As well as a live music tribute from Esther’s favourite band.

[heavy metal music] ♪WAKE UP. YOU’LL SEE.♪

Esther Ohh, I just love these boys! All possible states. [heavy metal music fades out] Always remember: bad times never last. But badasses certainly do! We’ll see you soon, King Falls!

Announcer Hopefully not too soon, Esther. 7PM, this Sunday. Help us say goodbye to King Falls’ most bitchin’ granny.

[heavy metal music resumes] ♪*SCREAMING* I WILL NEVER REESST. UNTIL I WALK IN THE SUNSET. BURN ME UP IN FLAAMES.♪

[heavy metal fades out]

Ben I didn’t cut you off, Sammy!

Sammy Real mature, Ben.

Ben You were looking right at me, I didn’t even touch the board! And you know Esther Rollens was slated for 4:32 AM! I’d never.

Sammy [sarcastically] Oh, oh, okay, it must’ve been General Abilene, right?

Ben You know he’s in Sweetzer Fore- Sheesh. Can’t you just take some calls? You’re killing me. Line 6!

Cecil Sheffield [Cecil’s voice is old and slurred] Benjamin Arnold! Mr. Sheffield here! Why’re you on- the radio?

Ben [muttered] Crap. Bass Tournament winners were scheduled for two minutes ago. I-I’m gonna call the other—

Sammy Oh! So we can talk about the tournament, we just can’t talk about the dead body.

Ben Sammy.

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Cecil Sheffield to the show, uh, co-winner of the 55th annual King Falls Bass Tourney.

Ben It’s great to have you. Mr. Sheffield.

Cecil It’ss good to be taalkin’ to you fellas too! Benn, how’re yer grades holdin’ up this year?

Ben Uhh, I- *confused laugh* I- I graduated uh- already. Sev-several years ago—

Cecil No more late papers thiss semester, Mr. Arrnold.

Sammy Yeah, Ben! No more late papers!

Ben *deep breath* For those of you who don’t know: Mr. Sheffield was my history teacher at King Falls High School. [embarrassed and tense] Shouldn’t he be retired by now?

Cecil [singing] ♫Riiiiiising miidst the goooolden orrrange, graaandly iiin tooo th— bluuuee, reeeeeaches our dear aaaaalma maater—♫

Sammy *clapping sarcastically* There ya have it folks! Mr. Cecil Sheffield, winner of this year’s King Falls Idol.

Cecil Go Faaallls! I rreally lovve talkin’ t’ you guuys.

Ben [awkwardly] And we… love talking to you.

Sammy How ‘bout we talk about the big win at the tournament, huh? You split the grand prize, $500 and a bass boat, is that correct?

Cecil Ohh it was awwesome. Staandin’ up there at the podium with ma’ good friend Herrschel! I’m happy t’ shaare the prriize wi’ such a great man! I haven’ gotten a channce to uuse the new booat- uhh… yet—

Ben Aaand, we’ve got Herschel Baumgartner!

Sammy Sorry to cut you off, Cecil. Herschel, you’re live on King Fal-

Herschel [angry as always] You usurpin’, unsportsmanlike, son of a b[bleep]h filth! I know all you were colludin’ against me this year. It’s a conspiracy!

Sammy I’m sorry, what now, Mr. Baumgartner?

Herschel You know exactly what I’m talkin’ about, Big City.

Ben We actually don’t, Mr. Baumgartner.

Herschel Don’t mouth off to me, you conspirin’ little bag of d[bleep]ks!

Sammy Hey! Hey, hey, Herschel! No one is conspiring against anybody here! You should be happy right now, this is what, your fourth time winning the tournament? Granted, let’s be honest, a cadaver should probably give this one an asterisk.

Ben [eagerly] 1989,1992, and now back-to-back titles in 2014 and 2015. You’re the first ever to have four titles!

Herschel [hesitantly] W-wellll, when you put it like that, I guess. I never thought o’ it that way. I was just so red-faced about someone pokin’ a hole in the bottom of my boat right after I caught my last fish. Old Cecil wouldn’t’ve come close if some boobstain hadn’t’a messed with my damn boat!

Ben Kingsie got ya!

Herschel [mocking] It wasn’t Kingsie; that serpenty little b[bleep]h!

Cecil Iss that Herrschel? Hooww ya doin’ buddy? I’miss ya. Why dontcha answer when I calll?

Herschel [back to angry] Cecil! You cheatin’ dog pecker! I’d know-what-it was you who sunk my battleship! You couldn’t stand to have me win all by myself this year you limp-d[bleep]ked drunkard!

Ben Ooh-[worried]Haah! We’re gonna have to ask you. to watch your language. Mr. Baumgartner.

Herschel Now you listen here, you motherf[bleep]—

[dial tone]

Sammy Hello?

Ben Sorry Sammy. Merv’s already not happy, let’s not have the FCC[1]join him?

Sammy You know, you’re gettin’ real good with that dump button trigger finger tonight, Ben.

Ben I told you I didn’t dump you! Herschel, yes, but not you.

Sammy Y- *huff/laugh* You were so right about this full moon tonight, Ben.

Ben [mumbled] This is a nightmare.

Sammy [seriously] Hey. I’m sorry. Okay? I shouldn’t have gotten so fired up.

Ben You and Herschel both- You know how hard I work on this schedule? Don’t… puppy dog eye me, Sammy.

Sammy Hey, I’m just tryin’ to ice this apology cake, buddy.

Ben … 6:20, you buy me a stack of pancakes, at Rose’s Diner, and… we’ll call it even.

Sammy Sounds like a plan. So you’ve heard our story King Falls, now let’s hear—

Ben Good grief, we’ve got line 2, he’s in a panic.

Sammy Aren’t we all? You’re on the air with Sammy and Ben, what can we—

Line 2 [overly dramatic] No time for pleasantries- I need the law!

[small dogs barking in bg throughout call]

Ben Sir, uh, 911 is probably your best bet.

Sammy Or maybe tweet Troy and hashtag “KingFalls911” [half-muttered] I dunno.

Line 2 You silly Sallys. I’ve already called, the deputy is on the way. But I’m havin’ a terrible night, and I don’t appreciate the two of you makin’ it worse!

Ben Wait, is this- Archie Simmons?

Archie [sing-song] The one and onlyy.

Ben Is there something wrong out at the Pomchi Palace?

Sammy Pomchi? What the hell is a “pomchi”?

Archie Oh my gawd, read a book Sammy.

Ben It’s a dog— breed, half pomeranian, half chihuahua.

Sammy Oh! So Archie’s a professional dog breeder.

Archie Best bitches in the tri-state area!

Ben [flatly] That’s their motto.

Archie [softly aside, cooing] That’s a good baby, Daddy loves you! What’s that? That angry, mean werewolf violated you? Don’t you worry, Daddy will make. him. pay.

Sammy Did he just say “werewolf?”

Archie You betchyer bottom dollar I did!

Sammy Ben, I- I can’t.

Ben T-tell us what’s going on, Archie.

Archie Well, I live offa Route-72, damn near out of town. It’s usually nice and quiet [muttering](except for those damn trashy rednecks in their trailer park every damn Saturday night!)

Ben Buuut, tonight, it’s not nice and quiet?

Archie Hell no! I woke up to the most godawful squawlin’. I mean it sounded like a freight train hit a barrel a’ screamin’ billygoats. Half a step below a damn eight f[bleep] bottle rocket.

Ben That is vivid!

Sammy [being a smart-aleck] Dare I say, was it a half-man, half-wolf?

Ben [unimpressed] Good job, Sammy.

Sammy [quietly] Please don’t encourage this.

Archie It was so terrible a noise, I thought I might’a dreamed it. But then I heard it again!

Sammy Go on.

Archie So I threw on my slippers, and I went runnin’ towards the back of the house— an’ I’m scared, because I just paid— well, I paid a bundle for a couple’a these new pomchi bitches? So I’m worried that maybe Rufus (that’s my labradoodle)—

Sammy Labradoodl—?

Ben [quickly] Labrador-poodle mix.

Archie Damnit, Google it fellas and keep up. I’m worried that Rufus is maybe snuck in the backyard and roughed up the new pomchis? So I rushed toward the back and Rufus is in the Florida Room— just a-growlin’ mind you— so it wasn’t him. So I burst open the back door, and what do I see??

Ben What-ahh… wh-wh-what did you see?

Archie [increasingly distressed I see a half-man, half-dog, bent over hunchin’ the hell out of my twenty-four-hundred-dollar Princess Von Barktooth!

Ben Not Princess Von Barktooth!

Sammy Okay, so you run outside in your slippers, and you see some skeezy pervert, and he’s got your dog—

Archie In the biblical sense! But the maaan was A. Werewolf.

Sammy Are we really talkin’ about wolf-man werewolves, here? *laughs* I’m sorry Ben—

Archie You shouldn’ be sorryin’ to Beeen! He’s not the one who’s been sodomized by a damn man-wolf! And now I gotta stay up all night watchin’ the princess and dealin’ with the law! Lord knows I’m worried that this leads to long term emotional distress, or, worse. [distraught] An’ we can just throw out winnin’ the Westminster trophy!![2] That was not in our five year plAN!!!

Ben I have to. What- Was the five year plan?

Archie [soft and rushed] Princess Von Barktooth was supposed to fall in love with another purebred pomchi, who sweeps her off her feet, holds open all the doggy doors for her, shares all his treats. *giggles* [to the dog] Isn’t that right lil princess?

Sammy [derisively] This is just silly. I mean it was obviously just a creep with serious issues, not a mythical—

Archie Are you callin’ me a liar? I saw that abomination with my own two baby blues.

Ben S-Sammy likes to look at these paranormal events from all angles, Archie.

Archie Well the angle that I saw it at was a G-D crime against humanity and dogmanity alike! The beast man looked at me, evil in his eyes, and desire in his heart, tossed my princess like a ragdoll, howled at the moon like the wretched demon that he is and scampered off!!

Ben Ar-Archie have- have you had issues with the werewolves before?

Archie Oh-my-gosh, who hasn’t? Ol’ Dylan hillbilly Baxter used to pepper buckshot those chicken-thievin’ shapeshiftin’ sons-of-bitches!

Sammy Brass tacks[3] here; Is Princess Von Barktooth okay?

Archie Needless to saayy, we are more than a bit shaken by this turn of events.

Sammy Have you looked into silver bullets? eBay? Amazon Prime?

Archie You come out here the next full moon you sassy Sally and I’ll show you more werewolves than you can shake a d[bleep]k at… Aw, I just heard Deputy Troy pull up, I gotta go, boys. [click]

[dial tone]

Ben Th-thanks for letting all of us know that there’s been some activity on the wolf front, Archie.

Sam This is just too much. Look, stay safe, Archie, listening public. I’m not saying that there’s werewolves on the loose—

Ben There are.

Sammy *laugh/huff* Ben. Everyone stay safe. There’s definitely something in the air tonight.

Ben Oh no. Sammy *heavy breath* Can you take Line One?

Sammy Do I even want to ask?

Finn [panicked] Sammy?! Ben?! It’s bad! It’s real bad, y’ know?!

Sammy Are you alright, Finn?

Finn [still strained and panicked] I-I didn’t.. even see him comin’! Musta run head-long through the truck on my blind side!

Sammy Who did? What’s going on?

Ben Finn hit a dog, off Route 72.

Sammy You’re f[bleep]king kidding.

Finn [distraught, almost crying] This poor little guy! I feel so bad, y’know? [less scared, more nervous] Actually. He’s not that little.

Ben Finn, are you still in your truck?

Finn Oh yeah, but I stopped it when I hit the fella… I’ma shakin’ somethin’ awful here.

Sammy [“not” worried] I think you should start the truck up, and just keep on movin’.

Finn … I think he’s still alive! I’m goin’ out to do the right thing an’ check this out, Sammy.

Ben Sammy’s right. Keep—

Finn I’m outside the truck! Headin’ back towards the pooch!

Sammy Get back in the truck, Finn! [quietly aside] Uh, you know, because it could be a- a coyote or something, n-not a were- you know.

Finn Oh my. This poor fella don’t look too good. This looks— Whoa now!

Ben Move your maple lovin’ ass, Finn!

Finn It’s two-leg runnin’ at me boys! What the f[bleep]k!

Sammy Finn? Finn?!

[sounds of a struggle, garbled words, then howling]

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] FCC - The Federal Communications Commission is an independent agency of the United States government that regulates communications by radio, television, wire, satellite, and cable across the United States.

[2] Westminster trophy - The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is an all-breed conformation show that has been hosted in New York City annually since 1877.

[3] Brass tacks - n. details of immediate practical importance —usually used in the phrase “get down to brass tacks”