#calzonegate

[etherealspacejelly]

can't believe i accidentally started calzone discourse this has got to be the stupidest shit thats ever happened to me on this website

if someone sends me a death threat over this i will consider my life complete

[etherealspacejelly]

WIKIPEDIA COMES TO MY FUCKING RESCUE ONCE AGAIN

READ EM AND WEEP MOTHERFUCKER

[dr-jigglebones]

blocking someone over calzonegate is wild

of COURSE you'd send an anon ask from an alt lmao. blocking anyone for any reason ain't a big deal. going out of your way to send an anon ask from an alt though? THAT'S wild.

and tbh, your demeanor is why I blocked. hell, as soon as I blocked you I predicted you'd send an anon ask on an alt. get double blocked. keep sending me anon asks from any other alts you got, I wanna block all of em.

[etherealspacejelly]

SOMEONE BLOCKED ME OVER CALZONEGATE LMAOOOOO

GUYS IM JOKING. IM DOING A BIT. IM LETTING YOU ALL RILE ME UP BECAUSE ITS FUNNY. WE'RE DOING THE WHOLE HAHA ENGLISH PEOPLE HATE AMERICANS AND AMERICANS HATE ENGLISH PEOPLE THING. THIS IS JUST MY SENSE OF HUMOUR. YOU CAN PRONOUNCE THE DAMN WORD HOWEVER YOU WANT

[etherealspacejelly]

THANK JESUS THE BRITS ARE FINALLY ONLINE

[etherealspacejelly]

How about a compromise:

It rhymes with fawn

/j

CALZAWN???? FUCKING CALZAWN????? IM GOING TO START KILLING

[etherealspacejelly]

i may have flown a bit too close to the sun

[etherealspacejelly]

😔😔😔😔😔😔

im being silenced by the woke mob

[gremlin-mom]

Thank you Gnomus

Gnomus I have an incredibly important question how do you pronounce Calzone

It’s pronounced Calzone.

[etherealspacejelly]

what on earth is happening with you and calzones????

I DONT KNOW ITS ALL SPIRALLING OUT OF CONTROL. ALL I SAID WAS CALZONE DOESNT RHYME WITH BONE. BECAUSE IT DOESNT

[etherealspacejelly]

I'm italian and this calzone discourse intrigues me. I agree with tour pronunciation, we say something like cal-zo-nay

Im studying for a linguistics exam so i feel like adding the correct IPA transcription [kal ' tso : ne]

Hope this helps!!!

yes. i know. i am aware of that. thank you. i say it more like cal-zo-knee because im british. but im glad we can both agree that cal-zone (rhyming with bone) is objectively incorrect

[etherealspacejelly]

american here, i'm taking your side here, partially out of spite, because while i've never heard someone say it the way you are, i also happen to have a last name that is german and has an e at the end that no one ever fucking pronounces right, and partially because you're just right i think

I AM CORRECT BECAUSE I SPEAK BRITISH ENGLISH AND IT IS PRONOUNCED CAL-ZO-NEE IN BRITISH ENGLISH AND IT IS CAL-ZO-NAY IN ITALIAN SO IM CLOSER TO BEING RIGHT THAN FUCKING

CAL-ZONE

[etherealspacejelly]

this story is very cute but prev how dare you remind me of calzonegate

I went to the small pizzeria in a nearby village last month and asked for a calzone, and when she brought it to me the owner had a look on her face I can only describe as bitter.

Naturally my first assumption was that she was judging me for my food order (maybe calzones are too easy compared to other pizzas and she felt under-challenged as a pizza chef?), but then I looked at my calzone and the more I looked at it, the more I felt like it might have been a failed attempt at a cat calzone.

(I didn't ask for a cat calzone, just a calzone.)

If I had immediately identified it as a cat calzone I would have of course said something about it, such as "Aww that's so cute! You made it in the shape of a cat!! Thank you!" — but it was too late. I hesitated too long, and it was just failed enough that I wasn't sure it was meant to be a cat.

I think this poor woman knew her cat calzone was a failure and I wouldn't be able to recognise her effort for what it was, hence the bitterness in her eyes when she brought it to me.

I asked my friend if my pizza looked like a cat to her, and she said "Are you saying this because of the olives? I think they were just placed randomly."

no, I think they were meant to be eyes, and a cat nose. And those are the ears. Wait, I'll turn it in your direction so you can see

Friend: "It's just a pointy calzone... Maybe you should ask the chef if she meant to make it a cat?"

If I tried to make a cat calzone and the recipient of this gift went like 'hey, sorry, is this weird-looking thing meant to be cat?' I would sell my pizza restaurant and drown myself in the river.

After considering this, my friend said we could brainstorm a better phrasing—but then we ended up agreeing that since the chef didn't go 'haha sorry I tried to make a cat and failed!!' when she brought my pizza, the options were a) she didn't try to make a cat; b) she feels humiliated by her failure, and either way it's better to say nothing.

But I felt deeply curious about this unresolved mystery, so this week when I went back to the pizzeria I asked for a calzone again.

The options were now: a) the chef brings me a better, recognisable cat calzone and I immediately remark upon it and she's happy and we erase the failed cat calzone from the historical record and never mention it ever;

or b) the chef brings me a normal calzone, which suggests that the vague cat shape from last time was accidental and just another instance of chronic cat pareidolia.

(I refused to consider option c) The chef brings me another failed, hardly-recognisable cat. She just doesn't seem like the kind of person who would let that happen to her twice.)

Here's the photo of the failed cat calzone from last time, which, according to my friend, just looks like a pointy calzone with randomly-placed olives and not a deliberate attempt to make a cat:

And here's what the chef brought me this time:

THAT'S A CAT.

I knew it!!!!

And it looks so sad!! This cat calzone looks like it will burst into olive oil tears if you once again fail to identify it as the cat that it is

But I didn't; I was so ready this time. I went "A cat!!!!! It's so cute!" and the chef went like yes!!! I tried to make one last time but it looked weird :(

I said I was pretty sure it was a cat last time and apologised for not bringing it up and she said no, it's my responsibility to make it a decent cat. She also said she was glad I'd come back and ordered another calzone because she was really bothered ("vraiment embêtée") by that first failed attempt, and wondering if I'd noticed an attempt was made (and failed)

That's so relatable. It's like when you make a really embarrassing spelling mistake in a text and you're not sure if the other person has seen it and is judging you for it. Should you bring it up? Can it go unnoticed if you don't? It's the cat calzone equivalent of that. I'm so glad we were able to clear the air.

[etherealspacejelly]

; opening Tumblr today I was not expecting this much- calzone- to be on my dash. what did you do ??

ITS NOT MY FAULTTTTTTTT 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[etherealspacejelly]

Calzoon

exploding you with my mind

[etherealspacejelly]

You're so wrong about the pronunciation of calzone I'm gonna kill five of your gut bacteria.

FUCKING WANKER ILL SHOVE MY FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOULL BE PULLING MY TOES OUT OF YOUR TEETH

LEAVE MY GUT BACTERIA OUT OF THIS