#calzona cosplay

[sjebberd]

Me and the stalker gang at epiccon germany

[playinginquicksand]

Speaking of gender, I have to say:

Ever since I went through my realization of my sexuality I knew the gender thing was going to pop up because of my thought patterns.

With my sexuality, when I was in middle school I used to push thoughts down and make excuses for looking at girls (i.e. i was jealous cause i was a late bloomer etc) Then I started watching tv shows and one day finally recognized that I had a pattern of getting into a show after seeing just 1 scene of two women in a relationship and then treating the show like it was a secret thing rather than openly watch it because though they were mostly straight shows (obviously) the one couple in it made me feel like i was wrong. (exact moment I realized this in case anyone wants to know was when I stumbled upon erica rubbing her hand down callie’s back in an episode when they were supposed to go on their first date and i was like...must watch and i paused and went ...wait i did this with degrassi and house md etc too.) anyway then I always had to vocalize how straight I was a commenter on youtube videos for this stuff and when i discovered the calzona boards back in the day. (I eventually got over that)

With my gender I’d already been doing the push down thoughts and make excuses for years but around the time I made my realization with tv shows I was like...wait I do this about possibly not wanting to be a girl too....nope not dealing with this now. it’ll come back up later cause i can’t do two crisises...fuck that. then I started watching youtube videos (incognito mode) and trans peeps about binders and transitioning and gender and everything. secretly got myself some cheap chinese binders (that were really bad for me and badly made honestly) and would wear them when no one was home and never talk about it. just say i was still cis and tell myself it’d be great if i ever decided to cosplay. finally got myself a real binder that’s actually safe this year (yay having a job and money and no kids to watch so i have time to think about it again)  and just now i’m finally at the point where i watch trans peeps and have them on my faves and stuff. but i’m so much less sure of this than with my sexuality hence the crisis. not only that but this would probably actually be the thing to fuck up my fam relationships. my sexuality at this point no one was too surprised...let’s be real lol.

oh and i say this was a pattern cause i did similar things with my loss of belief of religion so...yea

fucking hell time to stop. janus you started this mess of me reflecting on myself and my thought processes -_-;