#calworks | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

calbeloved · 13 days ago

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little agatha thing post aop cause she makes me sick <3 enjoy and just don't look too closely cause my thoughts aren't Coherent today and my own hands are shaking a lot so ignore it if you see any mistakes or something doesn't make sense at all im gping off vibes today okay yay thank you

Turns out, taking care of wounds is more complicated than she thought. Medicine in general, really.

Her foot still aches and shoots up with pain and makes her want to cry and scream and die each time she moves it; sometimes even when she doesn't– even bandaged, even after she did all she could.

She… should probably go to a hospital. In every book she read, on every website, they say to go to the hospital if a wound is severe– she does not know a lot about what classifies as a ‘severe wound’ but she supposes being shot would count.

They told her to not get in their way. Agatha isn't entirely sure how to avoid that, but she knows she doesn't want to meet them again. She doesn't want to die.

…Still, she is not in her body and still underage, and while she doesn't know much about Gabriel's parents, she doesn't want to risk the hospital calling them. The police could be informed too, depending on what… those guys did.

So. She did it on her own. The bullet wasn't deep in the skin, thanks to the shoe, but it still hurt. She dug it out and disinfected it all, and packed it with gauze and tied off with bandages. Didn't cry at all. Doesn't limp at all and doesn't shake when she changes the bandages and applies the oliment; it's all fine and she is fine and thinking of it all doesn't make her sick.

She went into the school exactly one time when she was sure nobody was inside. Took a few books into her backpack from the library (the ones that weren't completely destroyed, anyway) and ran off as quickly as she could. She doesn't stay in her mom's apartment for long either; the police didn't care enough to keep watch of her when her mom got arrested, but again, she doesn't /know/ what those guys did or said– they could be looking for her right now. She did kill someone.

So she hides in abandoned buildings and in tight alleyways, and reads her books. The normal ones she keeps for when she's more tired– the book she reads when she can process it.

She starts keeping an eye out for people walking with hoods on. She starts recognising the tattoos and the way weapons look hidden under clothes. When her leg isn't bothering her as bad and she feels confident, sometimes she tries to talk with some of them.

…or tries to get brave enough to do so, anyway.

She just needs a bit of time, that's all.

Still, she knows all of them– most, at least, have their own knives. Agatha doesn't have her own knife, but she does own a simple kitchen knife that's small (and for cutting fruit) and could potentially work for rituals. It's enough for cutting skin open, and that's really all she needs for now.

Today, though, Agatha is sitting in Mister Alex's apartment.

He's dead now.

She saw it in a newspaper and knows perfectly well it wasn't any sort of car accident or whatever else they're talking about. Not at all feeling sick, she read his file from the school to find out his address; until the end of the month comes and the rent isn't paid, nobody should bother her here. She knows this part of the town well enough; nobody really concerns themselves with what happens here, as long as the money is right.

It's dangerous, yes, but Agatha has to learn how to be dangerous herself, doesn't she? This is the first step. It's fine.

She sits on the sofa with a knife in one hand and an apple in the other.

Somewhere far away in her mind, she remembers her mom making a “salad” to go with the dinners they had– carrot and apple, grated and with some sugar. Agatha never got to peel them; “you're too young to be using knives” her mother used to say.

But her mom is gone now– has been for a long time, even if she was still staying near then. And Agatha isn't a little kid anymore.

If she wants to be able to do more rituals, she needs to get better. Using a knife skillfully and without hurting herself is important, she knows. She needs to be fully in control. Not afraid of hurting herself.

“Fruit,” she murmurs to herself, and tries not to wince too much at how her voice sounds. “Fucking stupid.”

Stupid doesn't mean not important, she has learned. She can be as pissed as she wants, as long as she gets the job done.

So Agatha takes a deep breath to calm her shaking hands and lightly digs the knife into the skin of the apple. Slowly and carefully, she starts peeling it off without raising the knife; goes in circular motions, around and around.

It takes no more than a few minutes. She looks at it and just sighs. It looks awful. She either presses too lightly and leaves some parts of the skin behind, or presses too hard and takes away big chunks of the inside part.

With now sticky fingers from the juice– that don't remind her of anything else; not of feeling Gabriel's– her own blood, not a warm, disgusting and red fluid staining her whole, she just reaches out for the next apple. Wipes off her hands on the couch. It's not like she's going to be here for longer than a few weeks. It doesn't matter how much of a mess she makes.

Practice makes perfect, after all, or… whatever they say.

She can do this. Just has to pretend her fingers don't shake and her foot doesn't hurt so much that she's afraid she's going to have to go to a hospital eventually, where they're going to have to cut it off or something. It's fucking stupid. She's strong, for fuck's sake. She can deal with it all herself. She never needed anyone else, so she doesn't need anyone else's help now.

Obviously.

#studying is not real you were so right olo #i slept awful and thought some caffeine would help me but instead it made me feel more awful shshhs yeah everything is postponed #only agatha in my head <33 #calworks

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grapenehifics · 2 years ago

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Chapter 45

(Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/40473339/chapters/109460220)

Anakin having to buy Ahsoka pads and tampons was one of the very first scenes I wrote for this fic, and it actually changed very little from then to now.

Also a really nice thing to do for someone who has cramps and doesn't feel good is to buy them sushi.

An earlier version of this had a lot more explanation of CalWORKs, GAIN, and why Anakin was so mopey, but it was weirdly technical and info-dump-y and turns out I didn't need it anyway.

I love Satine joyfully teasing Obi-Wan about his past romances. She is so different to write than Anakin's knee-jerk jealousy (not that I don't like writing that, too). Like, she's just secure in the fact that Obi-Wan loves her, and can joke about the weirdos he used to date (and dumped for her).

There is only a VERY short window of time where this is true, and I can't even take credit for it, but right this second, this chapter is taking place in December pre-the 25th, and I posted it in December pre-the 25th. And that makes me happy.

I said this in the comments, but I call this 'Anakin Discovers the Pink Tax' and also 'Obi-Wan Kenobi has his Grinch Moment'. Which is fine. The man is certainly entitled to it. I love getting a real Christmas tree every year, but having to water it and pick up after it is a pain in the neck and I 100% support anyone who's like, nope, this is not the year to deal with that.

So, in The Birdcage, which I know I've mentioned before, Robin Williams and Nathan Lane raised their son Val together. Robin Williams takes Nathan Lane out for lunch to tell him he and Val are sending him out of town for a few days, only he chickens out at the last minute because it's actually really rude. So they return home, only Val thinks Nathan Lane already knows, so when he sees their house basically gutted Val is like, "It's okay; we'll have everything put back by the time you get back," only Nathan Lane DOESN'T know what they're talking about and says, totally nonplussed, "Back? Where am I going?" And that is exactly the situation and facial expression and tone of voice I pictured for Obi-Wan here.

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uscreditcounselingservice · 5 months ago

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CalWORKS Payment July: When will you get your benefits for next month? | Marca

Personal Finance. CalWorks Payment June 2024: What day are food stamps being deposited for CalWorks beneficiaries? Personal Finance. CalWorks … http://dlvr.it/T8ydWy https://cambridgeconsumercounseling.tumblr.com/post/754693014647128064

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brewermaine · 5 months ago

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CalWORKS Payment July: When will you get your benefits for next month? | Marca

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qafflicti · 5 months ago

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CalWORKS Payment July: When will you get your benefits for next month? | Marca

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cambridgeconsumercounseling · 5 months ago

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CalWORKS Payment July: When will you get your benefits for next month? | Marca

Personal Finance. CalWorks Payment June 2024: What day are food stamps being deposited for CalWorks beneficiaries? Personal Finance. CalWorks ... http://dlvr.it/T8ydWy

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good-high-vibe · 7 months ago

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1. **Community Assistance Programs**: Local non-profits and community organizations often offer financial aid for various needs, including utility bills, rent, and emergency expenses. The San Diego Community Assistance Network or similar organizations might be a good starting point.

2. **Government Assistance Programs**: Programs like the California Work Opportunity and Responsibility to Kids (CalWORKs) provide temporary financial assistance to families with children. Additionally, the General Relief program is aimed at adults without children who need help.

3. **Emergency Rental Assistance Program (ERAP)**: This program helps eligible households in San Diego County who have experienced financial hardship due to COVID-19 and are at risk of homelessness or housing instability.

4. **San Diego Housing Commission (SDHC)**: SDHC provides various forms of assistance including rental help, housing vouchers, and affordable housing solutions.

5. **Utility Bill Assistance**: Programs like the Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program (LIHEAP) can provide financial assistance to low-income households to manage their energy bills.

6. **Food Assistance**: Programs like CalFresh can provide monthly food assistance for individuals and families in need, helping to free up other resources for different expenses.

To access these resources, it's usually necessary to meet certain eligibility criteria based on income levels, residency, and specific needs. Visiting or contacting the local county or city government offices, or their websites, will provide the most direct route to detailed information and how to apply.

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krispyglitterdefendor · 8 months ago

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C4Yourself

C4Yourself is an official online platform that offers a range of services to individuals and families in California who are seeking assistance with government programs. The platform is designed to simplify the process of applying for and managing programs such as CalFresh, Medi-Cal, and CalWORKs, among others.

C4Yourself California provides a user-friendly interface that allows clients to easily apply for benefits, check their eligibility, and manage their cases online. The platform also offers helpful resources and tools, including a searchable directory of community services, an events calendar, and a news feed with updates on changes to government programs.

One of the key benefits of C4Yourself California is that it provides clients with a convenient way to access their case information, communicate with their caseworkers, and upload necessary documents, all from their own devices. This helps to reduce wait times and improves communication between clients and caseworkers, ultimately leading to better outcomes for those seeking assistance.

C4Yourself California is an important resource for individuals and families in California who need help navigating government programs and accessing the support they need to thrive.

C4Yourself Registration Steps

Here are the steps for registering on C4Yourself California:

Go to the C4Yourself California website

To begin the registration process, navigate to the C4Yourself California website using a web browser on your computer or mobile device.

Click on the “Register” button

Once you are on the homepage of the C4Yourself California website, look for the “Register” button and click on it. This will take you to the registration page.

Enter your personal information

On the registration page, you will be prompted to enter your personal information, such as your name, address, phone number, and email address. Make sure to double-check your information for accuracy before submitting.

Create a username and password

After entering your personal information, you must create a username and password to log into your C4Yourself California account. Make sure to choose a strong password that includes a combination of letters, numbers, and symbols to protect your account.

Verify your account

Once you have submitted your registration information, you will receive an email with a verification link. Click on the link to verify your account and complete the registration process.

After verifying your account, you can log in to your C4Yourself California account using your newly created username and password. Once logged in, you can apply for benefits, check your eligibility, and manage your cases online.

That’s it! Following these simple steps will allow you to register for C4Yourself California and access the services and resources available to you.

C4Yourself Registration Conditions

Residency: You must be a resident of California to be eligible for most government programs available through C4Yourself California.

Income: Many government programs have income limits or requirements, so you may need to provide documentation of your income or financial situation to determine eligibility.

Citizenship or immigration status: Depending on the program, you may need to be a U.S. citizen or have a certain immigration status to be eligible for benefits.

Age: Some programs have age restrictions, such as for senior services or child care assistance.

Disability status: Some programs are specifically designed to support individuals with disabilities, and may require documentation of disability status.

It is important to note that eligibility requirements can vary by program, and not all programs may be available to all individuals. It is recommended that you review the eligibility requirements for each program you are interested in before applying through C4Yourself California.

C4Yourself Login Stepwise Guide

Here are the step-by-step instructions for logging in to your C4Yourself account:

Go to the C4Yourself website

Open your web browser on your computer or mobile device and go to the C4Yourself website.

Click on the “Login” button

On the homepage, look for the “Login” button and click on it.

Enter your username and password

On the login page, enter the username and password you created during registration.

Click on “Sign In”

After entering your username and password, click on the “Sign In” button to access your account.

Navigate to your account dashboard

Once you have successfully logged in, you will be taken to your account dashboard. From here, you can manage your cases, apply for benefits, check your eligibility, and access other resources available through C4Yourself.

If you have forgotten your username or password, you can click on the “Forgot Username” or “Forgot Password” links on the login page and follow the prompts to reset your account information. It is important to keep your C4Yourself login information secure to protect your personal information and prevent unauthorized access to your account.

C4Yourself Forgot Password Guide

Here are the steps to reset your C4Yourself password if you have forgotten it:

Open your web browser on your computer or mobile device and go to the C4Yourself website.

On the homepage, look for the “Login” button and click on it.

On the login page, click on the “Forgot Password” link.

On the password reset page, enter your C4Yourself username or the email address associated with your account and click on the “Submit” button.

After submitting your username or email address, check your email for a message from C4Yourself with instructions on how to reset your password.

The email will contain a link to reset your password. Click on the link and follow the prompts to create a new password.

Once you have successfully reset your password, return to the C4Yourself login page and enter your new password to log in to your account.

If you are still having trouble resetting your password or accessing your account, you can contact the C4Yourself customer service team for assistance.

C4Yourself User Account Details Stepwise Guide

Here are the steps to access your C4Yourself user account details:

Open your web browser on your computer or mobile device and go to the C4Yourself website.

On the homepage, look for the “Login” button and click on it.

On the login page, enter your username and password to log in to your account.

After logging in, you will be taken to your account dashboard. From here, click on the “My Account” button.

On the “My Account” page, you can view and update your personal information, contact details, and other account settings. You can also manage your cases, view your benefits, and access other resources available through C4Yourself.

If you need to update your account information, such as your mailing address or phone number, you can do so by clicking on the “Edit” or “Update” buttons on the “My Account” page.

When you are finished accessing your account details, be sure to log out of your account by clicking on the “Log Out” button to protect your personal information.

Accessing your account details allows you to keep your personal and contact information current, and make changes to your account settings as required. If you encounter any difficulties while accessing or modifying your account details, you can reach out to the C4Yourself customer service team for help.

C4Yourself Login Portal Features

The C4Yourself login portal provides a range of features to help users manage their benefits and access resources. Here are some of the key features:

Personalized dashboard: After logging in, users are taken to a personalized dashboard where they can view their cases, check their eligibility, and access other resources.

Manage benefits: Users can apply for benefits, view their benefit information, and manage their cases through the portal.

Communication: The portal allows users to communicate with their case workers, send and receive messages, and receive notifications.

Resource center: Users can access a resource center that provides information on programs and services available through C4Yourself.

Account management: Users can manage their personal information, update their contact details, and change their account settings.

Online application: The portal allows users to apply for benefits online, simplifying the application process and reducing the need for in-person visits.

The C4Yourself California login portal is a convenient and easy-to-use platform that provides users with access to a range of resources and tools to manage their benefits and connect with their case workers.

C4Yourself Portal Use Tips

Here are some tips to help you use the C4Yourself portal effectively:

Keep your account information up-to-date

It’s important to keep your personal and contact information current to ensure that you receive notifications and updates about your benefits. Make sure to update your account details if your address, phone number, or email changes.

Check your eligibility

Before applying for benefits, check your eligibility criteria to ensure that you are eligible for the program. The portal provides information on eligibility criteria for different programs.

Use the resource center

The portal has a resource center that provides information on programs and services available through C4Yourself. Take advantage of this resource to learn more about the available programs and services.

Communicate with your case worker

The portal allows you to communicate with your case worker, send and receive messages, and receive notifications. Make sure to communicate with your case worker if you have any questions or concerns about your benefits.

Keep track of your cases

The portal allows you to view your cases and manage your benefits. Make sure to keep track of your cases to ensure that you are receiving the benefits you are entitled to.

Protect your personal information

Keep your login information and personal information secure to protect your privacy. Make sure to log out of your account after each session and avoid sharing your login details with others.

By following these tips, you can use the C4Yourself portal effectively and manage your benefits efficiently. If you have any questions or concerns, contact the C4Yourself customer service team for assistance.

C4Yourself Food and Nutrition Eligibility Criteria

C4Yourself offers several food and nutrition programs that provide assistance to eligible individuals and families. The eligibility criteria for these programs may vary based on factors such as income, household size, and residency. Here are the general eligibility requirements for the C4Yourself food and nutrition program:

Income eligibility: The household must have an income that falls within the program’s income limits, which are based on the federal poverty guidelines.

Residency: The applicant must be a resident of California and have a valid Social Security number.

Citizenship: The applicant must be a U.S. citizen or a qualified non-citizen.

Household size: The household size is a determining factor in eligibility. The program takes into account the number of people in the household to determine eligibility.

Age: There are certain age requirements for some of the programs, such as the Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) program.

Medical condition: Some of the programs require that the applicant or a household member have a specific medical condition or nutritional risk factor.

It’s important to note that eligibility criteria may vary depending on the program. To determine your eligibility for a specific program, you can use the C4Yourself online screening tool or contact the C4Yourself customer service team for assistance.

C4Yourself Mobile Application Guide

C4Yourself does not have an application. It can be used by accessing CalWIN or BenefitsCal website.

Here are the detailed steps to download and install the CalWIN web app for various devices.

For iOS Devices

Open the Safari web browser on your iOS device.

Type in the URL for the CalWIN website (https://www.mybenefitscalwin.org) and press Enter.

Once you’re on the CalWIN website, you can add it to your home screen as an app icon by tapping the share button (square with an upward arrow at the bottom center of the screen) and then tapping the “Add to Home Screen” button.

A new screen will appear, where you can customize the name of the icon and then tap “Add” in the upper right corner of the screen.

Now you can access CalWIN from your home screen just like any other app.

Alternatively, you can also bookmark the CalWIN website by tapping the share button and then selecting “Add Bookmark.” This will save the website to your bookmarks in Safari, making it easy to access in the future.

For Android Users

Open the Google Chrome web browser on your Android device.

Type in the URL for the CalWIN website (https://www.mybenefitscalwin.org) and press Enter.

Once you’re on the CalWIN website, you can add it to your home screen as a shortcut by tapping the three dots in the upper right corner of the screen and then tapping “Add to Home Screen.”

A new screen will appear, where you can customize the name of the shortcut and then tap “Add” in the upper right corner of the screen.

Now you can access CalWIN from your home screen just like any other app.

Alternatively, you can also bookmark the CalWIN website by tapping the star icon in the top right corner of the screen and then selecting “Bookmark.” This will save the website to your bookmarks in Chrome, making it easy to access in the future.

Benefits of Attending C4Yourself Events

C4Yourself events are typically organized by the California Department of Social Services and are designed to provide a range of benefits to attendees. Here are some of the potential benefits of attending a C4Yourself California event:

Learn about available services

C4Yourself California events provide an opportunity to learn about the various services and programs available to eligible Californians. You can speak with representatives from various government agencies and get information on how to apply for assistance.

Connect with community resources

In addition to government agencies, C4Yourself California events often feature community-based organizations that provide services to residents. You can learn about local resources and connect with organizations that may be able to provide assistance.

Get answers to your questions

If you have questions about eligibility criteria, application processes, or other details related to government assistance programs, attending a C4Yourself California event is a great way to get answers. You can speak with knowledgeable representatives who can provide you with accurate and up-to-date information.

Receive personalized assistance

Depending on the event, you may be able to receive personalized assistance with your application or other tasks related to accessing services. This can be particularly helpful if you are not comfortable navigating the application process on your own.

Overall, attending a C4Yourself event can be a valuable resource for anyone who needs assistance accessing government services and programs.

C4Yourself Troubleshooting Steps

If you are experiencing issues with C4Yourself, there are several troubleshooting steps you can take to resolve the problem. Here’s a detailed guide for troubleshooting C4Yourself issues:

Step 1:��Check your internet connection The first step in troubleshooting C4Yourself issues is to ensure that your internet connection is stable and working correctly. You can do this by trying to access other websites or using other internet-enabled applications. If your internet connection is slow or unstable, you may experience issues with C4Yourself.

Step 2: Clear your browser’s cache and cookies Clearing your browser’s cache and cookies can help resolve issues with C4Yourself. To do this, open your browser and navigate to the settings menu. Look for the option to clear your browsing data, and select the checkboxes for “cached images and files” and “cookies and other site data.” Once you have selected these options, click “Clear data” to clear your browser’s cache and cookies.

Step 3: Update your browser If you are using an outdated version of your web browser, it may not be compatible with C4Yourself. Check for any available updates to your browser and install them if necessary.

Step 4: Disable browser extensions Some browser extensions can interfere with the functionality of C4Yourself. Try disabling any browser extensions you have installed to see if this resolves the issue.

Step 5: Try a different browser If the above steps do not resolve the issue, try accessing C4Yourself using a different web browser. This can help determine if the issue is specific to your browser or if it is a broader issue with C4Yourself.

Step 6: Contact C4Yourself support If you have tried all of the above troubleshooting steps and are still experiencing issues with C4Yourself, contact the C4Yourself support team. You can find their contact information on the C4Yourself website.

In summary, if you are experiencing issues with C4Yourself, start by checking your internet connection, clearing your browser’s cache and cookies, updating your browser, and disabling browser extensions. If the issue persists, try accessing C4Yourself using a different web browser and contact the support team if necessary.

Conclusion

The C4Yourself portal is a valuable resource for Californians who need to apply for and manage public assistance benefits. The platform provides a centralized location for individuals and families to access a range of assistance programs, including CalFresh, Medi-Cal, CalWORKs, and General Assistance. By streamlining the application process and offering online account management tools, C4Yourself helps ensure that eligible individuals can access the support they need to thrive.

While the platform is designed to be user-friendly, some users may encounter issues or have questions while using C4Yourself. In these cases, customer support is available by phone and email to assist with any issues or concerns. Additionally, in-person customer service centers are available in certain locations for those who prefer to receive assistance in person.

Overall, the C4Yourself portal is an important resource for eligible Californians who need assistance accessing public assistance programs. By providing a simplified and streamlined application process, along with convenient online account management tools, C4Yourself helps ensure that eligible individuals and families can access the support they need to achieve financial stability and independence.

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scarluxia · 10 months ago

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Today in therapy

I scheduled my therapy appointments for 9:30 a.m. because it forces me to get a jump-start on my day. This way, I have to get up, get ready, and get some fresh air instead of being a lump at home. I don't know if I like it so far, but anyway...

Today I discussed the logistics and arguments between Loki and me regarding our respective job searches. He wants to do things that build towards starting his own delivery service partnership with Amazon. I want to work in an office. I'm qualified for office administration, but I've taken some time off work for health and family reasons. My goal is to move to a three-bedroom, either house or apartment, in Walnut Creek. I'll be closer to my best friend, in a nice part of the state, and each member of the family will have his own room.

I've been offered an interview in San Francisco. Loki didn't want me to take it and argued very strongly against it. Initially I turned it down, but then I changed my mind because he's the one who doesn't want me to deal with the commute. I have no problem with it.

The thing is, there's a bit of a struggle based on who gets hired first. If I get a job first, then he has to make arrangements to pick up our kid from preschool. If he gets a job first, then I have to fit my schedule around him. He's argued that I'll burn out from trying to work full-time, that I won't like the commute, that I'll be stressed out when I get home, etc. etc. etc., things that everyone in America who doesn't have a positive attitude towards work has to deal with.

I thought he would be employed before I would, or that there would be more opportunities in our current city. I got an interview before he did and I probably would have gotten the job if I hadn't been, well... flaky. I did apologize for it and schedule another interview, but my hopes aren't high. He refuses to file for unemployment because he thinks he'll be hired soon. He doesn't want me applying us for food stamps for the same reason.

If I went back to school and took classes in accounting or paralegal certification, I'd be more qualified for a wider range of jobs. School costs money, though, but if I applied for food stamps and CalWORKS, the latter might pay for my schooling. I just don't understand why he should have the freedom to follow his goals but I'm being discouraged from trying to make myself more valuable. Well... actually, that's one of the things I went over in therapy.

I got very frustrated with my therapist for talking about teamwork. I consider myself a team player. I've never discouraged anything Loki's wanted to do, at least on a professional front. He's had big dreams, big ideas, big goals, since I met him, except when he's gotten demoralized and stuck in this rut of thinking, "Nothing's ever going to work out because it's not working out right now when I want it to." But he's thinking so much about his own journey and just expecting me to work around him that there's no room for him to think about the team. He thinks that he's seeing the big picture, but restricting me from advancing my education is the opposite of that. He's thinking very narrowly about what he wants to do, but if I call him on it, then he'll deny it and talk in circles and all these frustrating things that I hate. I hate arguing with him because it's never about actually solving the problem, it's about doing things his way.

Anyway, during this conversation with my therapist, I had the headache that wouldn't quit, even though I've taken painkillers for it. I've had this headache since yesterday. I told her where it was and she said it's because that's the part of the brain that's concerned with higher executive functioning and planning. Well, that makes sense. I thought I was just hungry/thirsty, but this has been a fairly stressful few weeks.

I'm actually really mad about this because, I went on a trip in November, a very expensive trip considering our budget. I told him about it in advance. I told him how much I needed to take with me. He ended up quitting his job within a couple of weeks before the trip, meaning we were without an income. Then he went back and got reinstated. Now he got himself fired by basically telling the owner of the company that she's making a bad decision by not using his ideas. Then he refused to file for unemployment and told me not to file for food stamps. He's telling me not to try to go back to school because it's not worth it and remember what happened last time? (Yes, and I'm no longer in regular contact with the person who was distracting me last time. I'm also more willing to take a C if it means passing the class.)

So anyway, our grantor wants us to pay our own rent and be self-sufficient, which is fair because he's been paying our rent for three years. I want us to move into a three-bedroom apartment in a nicer city, or at least adjacent to a really nice city (which would, incidentally, be much closer to San Francisco or Oakland, where all the jobs are). In order to do that, we need a dual-income of about $55/hour. We are not in a position to be turning down work. It's vulgar to state it like that, but it is how it is. I want our kid to be in a school he likes and, hopefully, we might be able to find one that isn't thousands of dollars a month in another county. I'm looking at what we need in order to make these things happen.

Loki is looking at what Loki needs to make his goals happen. Now, yeah, he'd like to be able to pay for our kid's schooling too, but not if it means me working upstate. Once again, I have no problem with the commute. Sure, I'll be waking up early and coming home late, like I'd be doing if I was going back to school full-time. This doesn't bother me. It bothers him for some reason.

My therapist asked me if Loki wants me to succeed or fail, and I said... it's more like he wants me to succeed on his terms. He wants me to fail or be discouraged doing it my way so that I'll agree to do it his way, and unfortunately, that's a mindset I grew up with, so I haven't really figured out what I'm truly capable of. I took office admin because I already knew I could type and file stuff, and picking up SAM wasn't hard by any means. Going to school for psychology the first time and business the second time were the only times I've really challenged myself, and I dropped out of both because I wasn't doing it perfectly. Well, now that I'm going to be 33 in a couple weeks and I don't really know how to do much that's useful on a large scale, like, say, accounting or paralegal duties, and it's been ten years since I've received a certification in anything, I'm more willing to just... try something and see if it works out. If it doesn't, at least I've given it a shot.

But then of course, if it doesn't work out, he'll be there with a steaming pile of "I told you so", and that's really annoying to have to consider, so I've chosen to disregard it to the best of my ability.

My therapist says he seems threatened by the idea of me becoming self-sufficient because it'll mean I'm likelier to leave him. Well... the thing is, when he was working, we were getting along fine for the most part. I know he misses working and he doesn't want to just sit round doing nothing, but that shouldn't prevent me from finding work. Like I said, we need to be dual-income in order to achieve our larger goals. He'd also like to move out of our current city, though he's changed his mind about moving outside of California.

He's compared my casting a wide net of possibilities to "running round like a chicken with [my] head cut off". I think that's a very disparaging way of looking at it, and I completely disagree. I enjoy learning. I enjoy being useful. No-one's asking him to be housebound. I think there's a cognitive disconnect between him accepting that we both need to find work, and him telling me I shouldn't take this job because of distance or location. He's said "I'm not driving you to or picking you up from San Francisco."

Buddy. We live by a Caltrain station. That's not a problem for me. Well, Redwood City and San Francisco, that's Caltrain. Santa Cruz, that's the 17. Oakland, Lafayette, and Walnut Creek are the BART. I know how to get around. I know I'll be getting up at 6 to get there by 8:30 or 9. I know me clocking in early will likely be appreciated and that, if I work till 5, he's going to have to seethe, cope, and make sure he can pick up the small one before 6 because I won't be home till 7 or 8.

If I'm not being a team player at this point, it's because he's not, but I'm not going to let it stop me anymore. If I'm offered an interview, if I'm offered a job, I'm taking it and he can work around me since I had to work around him for a year, and before that, I was working part-time.

I think our grantor will understand if I want to go back to school for business, accounting, or law if it'll broaden my career aspects... just as long as someone else is paying for it (Calworks). Hell, that's what I should have been doing once I was medically cleared to work again. I hate to keep secrets, but if I want to put our family in a better situation without having to deal with static, I'm going to have to do things the way that's the most practical to do them, and that means either taking what I'm offered or pursuing further education.

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phonemantra-blog · 1 year ago

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calbeloved · 4 months ago

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Spiderbit week!! prompt for "blood" and also very inspired by the supernatural au that WSD thought of!! I've never written these guys before so apologies if i got their personalities very wrong shshshsh @anonymous-dentist

Neither of them speak, though Roier has his eyebrows furrowed and he pauses from time to time, like he's about to say something.

Maybe it's because Pepito is already asleep, Cellbit muses to himself, only half aware of what's happening. Roier pours the bottle of… alcohol, maybe? right onto his wound, and it immediately foams, a now pink-red liquid dripping down his chest. It falls on the floor in drops. Cellbit somehow can't bring himself to care or comment, even with the knowledge that Roier hates mopping his floors. He seems awfully passive-aggressive tonight.

…It should hurt more, he thinks. It should sting and make him hiss, he should be holding in a scream. It should hurt. It doesn't. Cellbit doesn't feel anything, just… numbness.

(It hurt her. Why- why did he allow that to happen? She got hurt and it's all his fault and he doesn't feel anything and he's the one that should be feeling it.)

“I'm sorry,” he says, a barely hearable whisper. He doesn't know who he's saying that to, in the end. “I… I didn't mean to bother you.” I didn't mean to wake you up. I didn't mean to make you take care of me. I didn't mean to make myself attached. I didn't mean to. I didn't.

Roier only tsks, rolling his eyes. He picks up some gauze and presses it right beneath the wound to soak up the falling blood. He does it rougher than necessary. Harder than he normally does. “You're not bothering me, asshole, just making me-” He pauses, throwing the gauze into the sink and looking away for a moment. “Worried. And mad. Mostly mad.”

Cellbit would normally snort in response, but he doesn't now. He can't quite bring himself to. Instead, he stares at Roier’s fingers. They tap on the sink anxiously, leaving bloody fingerprints that turn into small puddles mere seconds later. He doesn't seem to notice it, so Cellbit doesn't comment.

“You make me mad,” Roier concludes. “Because you are an idiot and keep throwing yourself into situations you can't… bring yourself out of.”

He takes another gauze and a needle into the other hand, returning his gaze to Cellbit. His chin is pointed up, but his eyes- They pierce him, and the black smudged eyeliner only makes it more unsettling. Well. It would, if Cellbit cared about that. He doesn't. But- the eyeliner was smudged already when he first knocked on the door. There had been no time to ask, if Cellbit even would want to.

(He had been crying. Why? Cellbit wants to know, but Roier is everything he doesn't understand. There's just something he's missing, as always.)

“And you make me worried.” Roier murmurs, voice low yet almost like a growl. His hands tighten on the objects he's holding, knuckles turning white. “You make me worried. And you might die and you're a stupid idiot and I hate you for that.” His voice cracks.

There's a pause.

“Yeah.” Cellbit responds. He knows Roier doesn't like apologies. “I know.”

“You could have died. Tonight.” His voice is shaky, and his eyes shine. He's beautiful. He's about to cry. “God, you're so stupid.”

Cellbit swallows and feels his throat close up. He reaches forward, placing a gentle hand on Roier’s cheek. It's covered in blood. Cellbit thinks he feels sick, but Roier either doesn't notice or doesnt care. He has to… Gods. He can't see Roier cry. That'd just break him, he thinks. He can't deal with that now.

“I'm…” No, he can't say that. Not to Roier. “It won't happen again. We just- we had a fight and I… I fucked up. It won't happen again.”

Roier nods without a word. He swallows and moves away from the touch, his expression changing into something more controlled.

His hand comes up close to the wound, needle itching close before it stops. “Want anything to bite on?”

Roier knows a lot of things, both small and big, about Cellbit. Information that a lot of people would like to get their hands on. But he doesn't know everything. He doesn't know how it was for Cellbit back then. He doesn't know and he doesn't ask. Maybe that's why Cellbit keeps coming back.

“No.”

Roier hums and doesn't ask and there's that.

“You had a fight, you said.” Roier eventually says when they're near the end of stitching. Cellbit doesn't really know what the fuzzy-numbness he feels every time… something like this happens is, but by this point, it's gone. “Is Bagi- How's she holding up, then?”

Cellbit thinks back to his sister, eyes furious and a snarl on her face. He thinks back to how she screamed, how much blood she lost. He should have helped her, but-

He grits his teeth, fingers pressing hard into his own leg.

That damned demon barged in like-

God, he can't think about this. He doesn't want to.

Tina took her away with a cold gaze and a snarl of “Leave” and there was nothing he could have done. He tried, before. It always ended the same. And he was bleeding out, he was hurt- (It shouldn't have mattered, it shouldn't have made a difference, she was hurt worse, he should have tried harder-)

So. He can't even be sure. Tina took care of her, surely. (But in what way?) She wouldn't allow Bagi to die, they both know that.

“She's fine.” Cellbit says, realizing he was silent for too long. He uncurls his fingers and tries to breathe. “Staying at the motel tonight. We, um. Decided to stay away from each other for a little while.”

That's not true. They haven't decided anything, but he knows how Tina is.

“Ah.” Roier breathes out. He probably knows he's being lied to, but that's their thing. They don't ask questions. Cellbit cringes anyway. “So you're… you'll be staying?”

Roier’s hand on his chest - the one that's not stitching the wound, that is - flexes, fingers starting to drum. Anxious.

There's a pause.

I didn't mean to get myself attached. I didn't mean to get you attached, either.

“If… if you'll have me,” he murmurs, quiet and only a bit uncertain.

(Gods, he can practically hear Bagi taunting him right now. When did his face get so hot? This is- embarrassing, he can't belive in himself.)

Instead of calling Cellbit out, Roier bites his lip, eyes darting down. There's- something that maybe could be called a grin, if only he could see Roier's face better. They don't speak, but then-

“Of course, man.” Roier smiles eventually, looking up at him. There's something in his eyes that hasn't been there before.

“Of course,” Cellbit repeats, a small smile appearing on his face as well, despite everything.

They fall into comfortable silence after that, but it's… different from before. The tension is mostly gone and… Roier seems almost satisfied. Or something similar, anyhow. Because despite how good he is at reading people, Roier is… like an enigma he can never quite understand. There's just something about him, something Cellbit isn't getting.

(Maybe that's why he keeps coming back.)

Roier finishes the stitches and after pouring some more of that disinfectant, starts bandaging the injury. It's only then that Cellbit realises he's been staring at Roier the entire time. But- it's weird. It doesn't feel like he's going to throw up from stress because he had to keep watching, just to make sure Roier wouldn't hurt him. No. Roier would never do that. It's more like…

(“What is up with you today?” Bagi asks, eyes squinted. Her laptop has its screen turned off already, research long forgotten. She's been staring at him suspiciously for the last 10 minutes. “Why do you look like that?”

“What?” He rolls his eyes, giving her an unamused look. He looks fine, he knows this, because he checked himself before they left the motel. He's meeting up with Roier today, so obviously- Pause. That sounds… He's meeting up with an important and respected informat today, so obviously he has to look at least a bit put together. There's nothing unusual about that. “You're being weird, stop staring at me and do your research.”

Bagi clearly isn't convinced, creeping her face closer. Cellbit keeps up the gaze and- there it is, she sighs in disappointment, eyes darting down to his meal instead. But she doesn't steal the plate away, like he expected her to.

There's a pause. Ever so slowly, she raises her head and on her shocked face begins to grow a grin.

…uh oh. What is she-

“Are you wearing fucking perfume?”

He stops chewing. Meets her gaze. Tries to ignore the absolute horror growing as he realises his face is getting hot. He's blushing. What-

“...no,” he tries, but his voice comes out practically like a squeak. He curses himself for it.

“You are! Oh my Gods, are you serious?” Bagi cackles, suddenly gleeful. “Why are you-”

He watches the realisation paint on her face. Her mouth opens, but no words come out of it.

“...You're wearing perfume.” She says slowly, a smirk beginning to make itself known again. “For the meeting with that guy today?”

Cellbit silently starts chewing again, looking away. He takes a sip of his lemonade (which was supposed to be a coffee, but of course, he can't have anything nice in life) and sighs. “Let's- let's just eat and leave. We are-” He shoots her a look, which at least makes her look a bit bashful. “-not talking about this.”

Bagi leans back in her seat, eyes squinted once again. Considering. Was he too harsh on this? There's a growing ache in his stomach, because- Gods, he doesn't want to fuck up with her again. How can he- how can he fix this?

“Okay, maybe I am wearing perfume for the hot guy, but- Hey, no, listen to-! That's just good manners! There's nothing weird about that!”

“Oh my Gods, I have to tell Felps. Does Felps know? Doesn't matter, I'll tell him anyway.” Bagi grins, not bothered at all that she was interrupting him. She looks very eager to eat quickly and get out of here, suddenly.

He sips on his lemonade instead, jaw tensing and untensing. Ugh. Gods.

“You so have a crush, that is crazy.” She continues, eyes wide. “I can't believe this, what?”

She laughs again and doesn't stop, even when Cellbit gives her his remaining fries and salad.

A crush. How stupid is that?)

It's more like adoration. He's enjoying watching Roier work. Gods. Gods, that is- He is not dealing with that tonight.

Roier grins at him, obvious to his thoughts. “All done! Come on.”

On shaky legs, Cellbit stands up to follow Roier out of the door. When Roier's back is turned, he reaches his hand out to touch the bandage gently, looking down at it. It's… good. Suspiciously good, even, he'd say. But. This is Roier. He's like that, Cellbit found. Full of surprises.

The house is dark. Obviously, because it's night and Pepito and Jaiden are sleeping-

“Oh.” Cellbit murmurs, a small wince on his face. “I hope I didn't wake Jaiden up.” He likes Jaiden. It just wouldn't do to make her angry, and he knows she likes her sleep.

Roier full on stops in the middle of his tracks. His shoulders come up, but his back is to Cellbit, he can't see his expression, can't understand-

“Jaiden's gone.”

…what?

Cellbit pauses as well, but for a different reason. Oh. He isn't… He isn't good at dealing with this. Oh Gods.

But then Roier suddenly turns around, a smile on his face. It doesn't look quite right. “Er, I mean-! Not like that!” He laughs and it sounds just like the one that Cellbit hears a lot while interrogating people. But never before from Roier. He's anxious. Why? Covering something up, surely, but…

“Huh.” He just says, smartly.

“Erm. Yeah! You know, just- For a little while! We're just taking a break from each other, you know?” Roier stutters awkwardly, that smile still wide on his face. It brightens suddenly. “You know, like you and Bagi! A… bit. But we didn't fight or anything, just-!” There's another pause, but this time Roier is watching his expression closely. His face sours slightly at whatever he finds. “...you know.”

Cellbit has no idea, despite how many ‘you-know's Roier just uttered. “Um. Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Roier nods, seemingly relieved. He stands still for a moment longer before reaching out to flick off the bathroom light, making the hallway fall into complete darkness. (Are there no windows here? No, that doesn't seem right. He's sure there were some the last time he was here.)

“Um. Anyway, now that you're here-” Roier grasps his hand tightly and begins leading him deeper into the house. “You know how you're like, an even bigger nerd than me?”

“I'm not a-”

“So, I was thinking- You could even help me with Pepito a bit! You know, he's such a little geek, I don't know who he got it from…” Roier doesn't even stop talking as they get to a hallway with many doors. Bedrooms, Cellbit thinks. He doesn't lower his voice either. Cellbit winces in sympathy for the kid. He hopes they haven't woken him up. “He just reads and reads! Ugh, I swear, I need to start taking more of those books away, his eyesight is already so bad!”

Bad eyesight doesn't come from just reading, Cellbit wants to interrupt. He wants to say a lot of things, actually. But… It is Roier's house. He's a guest. If Roier is so eager to change the subject and then rant about his child, then who's Cellbit to stop him, really?

The door to the- bedroom, it's a bedroom, is opened and Roier pulls him inside, closing it right behind them.

“And, he's still a little stupid, but I'm sure you-” Roier suddenly stops talking, yet again. He looks into Cellbit’s eyes, an alarmed look on his face. “You… like kids, right? I mean, you must like kids, but even if you didn't- You'd… you'd like Pepito! Because, I mean-”

“Um. I guess I do?” Cellbit interrupts, only because Roier looks like he's about to kneel over from over explaining himself.

A beat.

“Cool! I mean, no, that's good… Yes, I'm just…” He laughs and pulls away from Cellbit, walking deeper into the room alone. He stops in the middle of it, eyes locked on the bed. A large one. “...I'm- I'm sorry, I must be acting like a terrible host right now. Oh. I'm just…”

He makes some vague motions with his hands and smiles.

Cellbit winces internally. It's… just a bit awkward.

“No, it's… it's fine. Seriously, you're good. You're… good.” Oh Gods. What does he say to that? “I'm, um. Just. Thank you for taking care of me. That's already enough. You don't need to explain yourself, seriously. It's… fine.”

Roier stares at him. Stares some more. His hand comes up to his chest, almost as if he was… scratching at something underneath his shirt. But it's dark and Cellbit isn't really sure what expression he has and-

“Oh.” Roier breathes out. There's something. Something he's missing, again. “Ah… Alright.”

He's… muttering something to himself, Cellbit’s pretty sure. But… Then Roier clears his throat and puts his hand down, tense. Almost like he didn't realise it moved. He looks at the closet and back at Cellbit, in thought.

“You'll be fine in your clothes for tonight, right?”

“Um, yeah.” He's only in his pants anyway. His shirt was way too soaked with blood (hers, but by his fault) and even if it wasn't, Roier already took care of it. As in… shredding it with his hands. He's probably not getting that back. “We can work something out tomorrow. It's okay.”

Roier nods and sits down on the bed.

Cellbit stares. He is… pretty sure Jaiden has her own room. And Roier mentioned she's gone, so why… why is he here?

And he immediately curses himself for thinking like that. Maybe Jaiden isn't comfortable with people sleeping in her room, especially when she doesn't know about it. Roier would surely know that.

So he walks closer to the bed and lays down, slowly.

The bed is big. Big enough for- three people maybe, if he had to guess. So it isn't like it's awkward, but…

He doesn't really know what to do. Sharing a bed isn't something he does, it's just not. It'd be different if they were sharing heat while in the wild or something like that, but- That's not the case.

He feels Roier lay down next to him. When he looks at him out of the corner of the eye, he's smiling. A hand on his face, gently touching his own cheek. Inspecting. And then he turns on his side, towards Cellbit. Who very pointedly tries to pretend he wasn't staring.

He swallows.

“Goodnight.” Cellbit mutters quietly and turns as well, laying on his stomach. His hand automatically goes to rest under the pillow, reaching for a knife or a gun. It finds neither.

…Fuck, he left his weapons in his backpack. Which is in the entrance of the house.

“Goodnight,” Roier whispers back, a smile audible in his voice.

No, he can't go for it now. What would Roier think? And besides… he has a kid. Surely, this place is warded against everything, to hell and back. It's fine. And just for one night.

It's fine.

(Later, when Cellbit will wake up, he'll realize he forgot many things. Like his nightly prayer to Felps and cleaning his knife. Writing down in his notebook what exactly happened on the hunt. Cursing Tina in his thoughts.

But with the chaos of Pepito waking them both up early and immediately wanting to play, what he won't remember is that Roier never washed his face after Cellbit touched it with his bloody hands. He won't notice it either.

Maybe that's for the best.)

#shshhs got a bit held up with family stuff so im posting later than i would have but!!#there we go!!#might continue this someday too... many Ideas in my head #thank you spiderbit for getting rid of my writing block shshhs #calworks

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