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susurrusinperpetum · 2 years ago

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As long as I could

✦ ruth serbel, calto serbel, agnes reuben | under the oak tree

✦ tags: this piece is completely SFW.

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‘This is becoming insufferable - His last thought before leaving the room.

Another year has passed. The same topics, the same questions, the same answers… Who said that teaching doesn’t have its downside? Although it wasn’t entirely burdensome, the activity had its perks: That feeling of satisfaction while sharing his knowledge and enlightening others' minds; seeing those young eyes sparkle in awe.

That’s certainly rewarding.

However, he had been devoid of enthusiasm lately. He couldn’t distinguish what exactly, but something was certainly odd.

Maybe, I need more time for research - He thought as if trying to convince himself while mentally crafting a plan to pass over his classes to a possible victim. Maybe, just maybe, that’s all he needed, more time studying, satisfying his curiosity, and asking the right questions to get to the ultimate goal: discovering the truth of everything and anything. Lost in thought, he walked through the empty hall, analyzing the last months, how different they felt, the emptiness pressuring the edges of a void forming inside, a peculiar yet familiar feeling.

After a while, he shook his head to clear the dark thoughts. He wasn’t the type of person that used to dwell too much on those things; that was utterly useless. What’s the point of doing such a thing? It was better to focus on doing something positive for his own sake. It could be anything. The logical option, after all, shall be his work. Yes, I should concentrate more on my research.

"Professor Ruth!"

A clear voice stopped his racing thoughts. A blonde young sorcerer appeared behind him. At the unexpected interruption, he replaced his frown -which he didn’t note at first - with a nonchalant demeanour and turned around to see the slender image before him.

It was that noble apprentice that joined the World Tower not long ago. With boyish short hair and manly clothes, it was quite a surprise to hear a feminine voice come from that figure, and even more when the girl seemed neither bothered nor bewildered at his evident confusion the first time they met.

"Good Morning, Professor! Do you have a minute to spare?"

He appreciated the curiosity and enthusiasm of the young mage; she’s got a unique determination and eagerness, and anyone could see her resolution to grow swiftly. As if she needed to prove something.

She has been quite persistent in looking for his mentorship, putting deaf ears each time he redirected her to another professor that could be willing to deal with her. Although he has never openly rejected to guide or even mentor a student, it didn’t imply that he was keen to do it all the time, or at least not these past days - and definitely, not now- . And somehow, she managed to attach herself to him at every opportunity since the first time he gave her classes.

"Morning Agnes, Unfortunately, I’m certainly quite busy at the moment. I think a professor at Kabalah can help you out. There are sorcerers well equipped to help another fellow of their tower. Why don’t you ask Professor Ellis? She is a talented and resourceful mage."

Without waiting for a response, he resumed his walk through the halls toward his office. He wasn’t inclined to get immersed into whatever Agnes had in mind, not this time. He barely had the energy to go through his day as it was to add some random -unnecessary- stuff to his schedule. Nonetheless, she remained insistent.

He couldn’t help himself rolling his eyes while hearing her endless baffling arguments. It was surprising how she was never short of resources: trying to persuade him using different angles, from the World Tower's need for well-prepared sorcerers, the duty of a professor to help ANY student, even attempting to inflate his ego.

She’s tenacious. I give her that.

Agnes followed him throughout the halls until his office. When Ruth opened the door and entered, she simply slipped her way into the office too.

Quite presumptuous.

Although the place was spacious enough to hold a small laboratory on one side and a long desk on the other near the fireplace, it was crowded with unfinished work, piles of books, bags with mysterious contents, jars of herbs, tools, and all types of equipment a mage could use, leaving just the right space for up to 5 persons to gather within. Nevertheless, the cramped objects within the office almost passed unnoticed by Agnes, while Ruth just gave a tired glance at his unfinished work located aside before sighing hefty. The view was draining his energy.

He was pondering whether to ignore her until she gave up or give her a quick answer to whatever she was asking about while he was sitting at his large cluttered desk, full of stacked parchments that needed his attention. Magic formulas, runes analysis, research results… The number of class works he needed to review covered almost the complete surface of the enormous desk, creating several piles.

At that sight, he was internally screaming. How am I supposed to deal with all of this, my research, and the administrative work for the Tower?! Are they trying to work me to death?!

For one moment, he forgot that Agnes was still there, sitting in front of the broad desk with a bright smile on her face and a piece of parchment in her hands. He groaned inwardly. She insisted, for the third time, that he should provide feedback on her recent update regarding the magic tool she was working on diligently. Her main goal was to present it to the head of the Tower. Therefore, she needed to refine any detail as much as possible, and Ruth was the one that would help her get through.

"Look, I’m honoured that you have chosen me, one of the best sorcerers in this place, to review your work. A wise decision, I must say. However, as you can see, I’m drowning in work. I haven’t had the opportunity for good rest in months! Unfortunately, I may not have the time at the moment."

He almost couldn’t believe the resolution of the young sorcerer. No matter how hard he tried to reject her, she was there, in front of his desk, determined to get what she was looking for. He groaned loudly, moving back his head. It wasn’t a good idea at the moment. It didn’t matter how he looked at it, there was a possibility he could give a piece of bad advice in the rush of the moment, a risk he wanted to avoid as much as possible.

However, it was unbearable to impose resistance at a quite persistent persona, no more. The feeling was draining.

Defeated, with her fourth speech in a row, he snapped the piece of parchment from her hands. After a few moments of deliberation and analyzing its contents, he provided something plausible as an evaluation. At least, it was enough to satisfy the blonde’s pushy behaviour.

"Thank you, Professor!" The witty comments didn’t disturb Agnes' bright mood. "I shall leave you and start working on the valuable feedback."

He dismissively waved a hand, not even bothering to say something.

After she left the office, Ruth remained in his seat with his head resting in one hand, looking at the piles of work waiting to be attended, yawning until an old small leather pouch caught his attention. A part of its blurry designs could be seen from under one side of a crumbled pile of parchments and books. Without thinking, his hand grabbed the stained pouch exposing it from its bury location and leaving out a bigger disorder behind- caressing the opaque patterns, almost disappearing in the material.

‘Staring thoughtfully at it, his mind was in turmoil. It was impossible to stop it now. In the solitude of his space, he could feel everything and nothing. Images and concepts started flooding his brain, filling every corner and crevice. It was futile to try to stop himself now.

Now, it’s silence.

Now, your nature is silence , an unattainable expression of your heart and soul. Static in a moment, the fathomless of his memories surrounded him from core to atman. Numbness, in a state of going and not going, Where the mind in awareness could do nothing but be a witness to his own understanding.

And, which understanding would it be?

Any effort to fake ignorance would be in vain.

He knew the consequences, all the possibilities, and their promises to become a reality. The light of knowledge was doomed; in his mind, he wanted to keep oblivious to his thoughts. The emotions created a mirage, a last attempt to disappear nothingness from existence; that promptly collided with reasoning, speaking its truth. The signs were there. Clear and shining, guiding him into a conclusion he desperately wanted to evade.

A shadow growing upon him snapped his mind from the momentum. He didn’t notice when Calto entered his office or when he locked the door.

Bringing up his gaze to Calto’s face, he could understand it. There was no need for words. The grim darkness in his features shuddered his soul.

The mirage, the threads of hope, was now gone.

"I’m sorry" - Calto muttered solemnly and pitifully.

The last straw of composure crashed at those words. The surreal realization of the inevitable was there; an emptiness filled with pain and sorrow.

"By God, no…"

A trembling voice escaped from his throat. Tears filled his vision while his body shook. He could feel his heart sinking; it was like his body had lost the ability to breathe.

The grief untied the knot, his tangled thoughts fading slowly, allowing a wave of emotions to crash through his consciousness.

He knew it. He just knew it. He blamed himself, for the dream, for fearing the awakening. Afraid to open his eyes, to see the signs clearly. Where there was hope, reality shook him truly. The tiny murmur inside him, denying what was real, faded away to the touch of the hand on his shoulder. The voice echoed in his head like indistinguishable whispers making ripples in his mind. The empathy wasn’t enough to heal. No magic or technique, potion or talk, nothing could be enough, not now.

His grip clung tightly to the pouch as if it was about to disappear, while his head hung as if its weight was too much to bear. Calto was by his side, patiently, trying somehow to bring comfort in that overwhelming moment.

He didn't know how much time passed when his tears ran dry, and the sobbing slowly subsided. He just felt the numbness that was left. His lips trembled as if trying to say something but his voice couldn’t be heard. His eyes shut tightly.

"Take the rest of the day and all the time you need. Allow yourself to breathe; take a walk or rest in your chambers. There is no need for you to stay here. I’ll cover your tasks," Calto said, swallowing hard before pausing for a moment. "Ruth, if you need anything, my door is open." He tried with all his might to bring him a fragment of comfort. Space and time were the only things he could provide, and he hoped that somehow, that could be enough.

Unable to look at him, Ruth remained frozen in his chair, staring at the floor, every part of him in pause; as if his brain stuttered trying to catch up on those words. A fragile squeeze on his shoulder made his body react. Lost, rambling in his mind, he just simply nodded at him. After a moment, he moved mechanically. Walking by mere instinct, not paying attention to his surroundings.

A while later, he found himself lying down in his bed, with the pouch in his hand.

He stared at the ceiling; the sinews stiffened, and his body was heavy like stone. Reality felt odd. Like a dream, like he couldn’t think, fogginess surrounding his mind, suspended in a moment, feeling a pressure that attached his limbs to the spacious bed, holding his breath without even realizing it.

I just need to close my eyes and sleep. Then, everything will be better.

Tossing and turning around the bed full of restlessness, he could only stare at the barren landscape of his mattress. He caressed the emptiness on his blankets, lethargic, feeling how the hopes of a peaceful night abandoned his body while the darkness crept silently through the room. On the window for the first time, the starry night felt meaningless.

‘This is not working.

Deprived with burned, pained eyes, he gazed at the dark. While sitting at the edge of the bed, the scattered images of hankered memories, the things left, everything was there to remind him about the loss. He harshly rubbed his face and hair; it was evident he needed to do something. Whatever to stop the sleepless nights.

In a desperate attempt, he grabbed a pillow and a blanket, placing them in that corner full of dispersed books. The musty smell of the books hoarded his senses, allowing him to escape from reality, pause his thoughts and -finally- fall asleep.

At least for some hours.

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“Everything will pass. It just takes time.”

The words echoed in his head -meaningless- drowned, and consumed by his pain. People around him kept repeating those overused words as if the grief could subside and the memories disappear.

The truth is, the memories didn’t disappear. They were there, sometimes, more alive than before.

The bittersweet surrealism of a life moving on in pieces, half-finished, half-broken; a crowded void with the shadows of what was there: the warmth, that hair, those eyes, the laughs, the voice, the conversations left… He could even swear to feel a delusion of the mana he learned to identify as the palm of his hand.

The memories were there, everywhere, in the smallest things, in the mundane; within the silence between the thoughts, among the sea of words, taking residence in a gap that never closes, that will never be restored.

Sometimes, everything felt too real.

Desperately seeking balance to fill his growing void, he turned to the familiar, to the known. His work should suffice.

The search for knowledge would embrace him.

The days turned into weeks. Sleeping by books became common in his life. He even started collecting books of interest, stacking them on the sides where he usually would find the slumber, as an alleviation when the longing was too much to bear. The long nights at the Library were routine.

Everything was better than being alone in that room, seeing the remnants of what it was, the ghosts and memories coalescing in a neverending stream, taking away the sleep.

And then, he thought about finding a resemblance of comfort in books. But, is it really comfortable if it's full of doubts?

His uneasiness just kept growing and growing with each day that passed. In the battle for balance, his mind with more questions than answers. The silence, the news, and the unknowns, each unspoken word. He needed to know: a reason, a cause, a detail - ‘something that would help in his constant grappling for calm.

He needed the truth.

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From the hall, it could be heard the sounds of parchments flipped forcefully, groans and whimpers resonating through his office. Reading the content of reports, messages, and telegrams -once, twice, three times- Ruth was found by his spacious desk, scraping his head harshly, trying so hard to understand how the situation turned out in that way - what all of this meant. Why did this happen?

‘This should be a fucking joke!

He spent several weeks knocking on doors, tracking, looking, seeking for any piece of information that could help him understand what occurred, tracing back all the events.

"What the hell are you thinking?!" - Calto stormed into his office.

"I’m doing well. Thanks for asking."

"Are you out of your mind?!"

"I don’t know what you are talking about" - Ruth replied, visibly annoyed, with his gaze fixed on the parchments on his desk.

"Don’t dare to play the fool. Your little huff can jeopardize your position, all your work…"

"I just asked some questions. In all honesty, I don’t see why the commotion…"

"Making such a ruckus it’s not going to help anyone. Are you willing to trouble everybody for nothing?"

"Really?! If this is just a trivial matter, why are you so dramatic?! A couple of questions wouldn't kill anyone."

"How can you be so stupidly stubborn?! What are you expecting to get?"

"…" with arms crossed and a sullen face, Ruth avoided Calto’s eyes.

"Ludicrous!" - Calto said, exasperated by his demeanour. "Have you ever stopped to think for a second? "

"Do you really think I'm an idiot? I know what I'm doing…!"

"It's absurd! I told you to breathe, take a break, and clear your mind; you could even take all the time you needed and come back to work later. Why is it so hard for you to listen?!"

"Would you mind explaining how this is a terrible thing? Do you mean I don't even have the right to know what happened? I had to know!"

"And then what?! What are your plans?! Don’t you understand?! It will not get her ba…" Calto cut himself off mid-sentence, regretting each word that escaped his mouth.

Ruth flinched at the unexpected words. The sadness and anger in his features were clear as water, almost palpable.

"Do you think I don't know? How am I supposed to live like she didn't exist? Just because the others find the matter insignificant doesn't mean that she isn’t, wasn’t," He grabbed his throbbing head for a moment. "I cannot fake it. I needed to do something!"

"And what's exactly that?" - Calto said, in the calmest tone he could perform at the moment, crossing his arms.

"I… I needed to know, to understand how all of this..." Ruth paused for a moment, not finding the right words to express what was on his mind. "I wanted…"

He hesitated for a moment, rubbing his hand over his face and hair, shaking his head while sighing heavily before continuing.

"I did what I thought was the best under the circumstances. However, I didn't expect to find this! Now, I’m not surprised that those decrepit sorcerers are so worried about this situation!" - he tossed a bunch of parchments to the other side of the desk in Calto’s direction.

Calto rubbed his temples before reaching the parchments on the desk. "That’s already been reviewed…" He trailed his words while reading each document, one after another. His jaw tightened in frustration.

"How did you get this?" Calto paused for a moment, clearly thinking about the possibilities of his discovery. "There are proper procedures to follow. This should be escalated through formal channels."

"Are you senile?" Ruth furiously scratched his messy hair with both hands before letting out a long groan. "Don’t you understand what this means?" Suddenly, something clicked in his mind, like a lightning striking over him.

Ruth's face reddened and he said irritably. "Did you know it?"

Calto’s face hardened at the implications of that phrase. - "I wasn’t aware of the details this time". His blatant and short reply did not subside the uneasiness of his nephew.

"This time?" Ruth didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the sudden revelation. "Were there more?!"

"Calm down. Listen, you are letting your emotions get in the way…"

"They are using us as their pawns, and you knew it!"

"If we follow the appropriate procedures, we could prevent similar events in the future…" Calto struggled to remain calm throughout the exchange.

"Should I be dancing and jumping with joy?" Ruth retorted sarcastically. "I don’t know what is worse: the Ignorance or the Idiocy." He said, collapsing in a chair nearby him with both hands covering his face, letting out a heavy groan.

"Mind your words! We are considering issuing sanctions due to the lack of cooperation and misinformation on the last missions. ‘This would support the case against Balto."

Ruth just snorted as he shook his head in disbelief.

He looked up at the ceiling as if praying to God for answers, patience, for a sign that everything was just a horrible nightmare, while Calto took a place by his side, leaving a heavy sigh when reviewing again all the discovered information.

In the middle of the silent room, all the details revealed themselves with a burst of intuition. Ruth could feel his body trembling slightly and his heart racing. He barely managed to hide the sarcastic chuckle that dared to emerge from inside out after realizing how clear it was and how, even now, everything was set and done.

Interrupting his thoughts, the voice of Calto, like a painted sound in the background trying hard to make ripples through his mind, covered the room with words of wisdom and sense. He knew, deep inside, it was true. There was some logic behind all that preaching; no matter how hard his soul denied the words, his mind was there to accept them; each part of them. However, he couldn’t stop himself and wondered, after all this time, is this how everything would end? Is this all he could have done? Procedures, laws, policies, rules… How could the Tower really protect a sorcerer? What was the point…?

"It would be better if I handled this from now on." With a sigh, Calto said solemnly, grabbing all the parchments and notes over the desk. It could be heard a tint of frustration in his voice.

Contemplating the magnitude of the situation, Ruth merely nodded at the sight of his uncle near the door. There was no sign of satisfaction or contentment in both mages. They remained in their positions, looking into each other's eyes, with more thoughts than words to say.

After breaking eye contact, Calto in front of the open door gazed at Ruth’s figure rubbing his temples while slowly walking to the window.

"You should think about what you want for your future" - Calto’s last words didn’t make Ruth react in any way. He just stood silently looking out the window, as if there was no one else in the room. With a heavy sigh, Calto closed the door behind him.

‘Throughout the window, the beautiful sight of a sea in shades of blue. He looked at the glimmer, the intermittent shining dancing alongside the placid waves, an alluring yet distant landscape.

My future…

He extended a hand to the sparkling lights, feeling the warmth of the sun in his palm; breathing deeply, feeling the air fill his lungs, absorbing the fresh and salty breeze that crashed to the cold grey walls of the Tower.

Is this the life I wanted to live?

He remained like this, unmovable, contemplating the vastness, the emptiness; drowning beneath the waves, feeling the thirst aching inside. An unattainable desire echoed within.

All this knowledge for nothing

Longing for something that wasn’t, that will not be; for the things that will not become. Something so far removed, a reverie defined by what cannot be changed; by what was everything, and now was taken all away. The beginning of a lifetime of without(s).

You are not here anymore.

He stayed like this for so long, breathing in and breathing out, hanging in one thought, embracing the reality. The truth.

Moulting in a process, everything felt so strange and familiar. The heaviness, the remorse, the loss; he kept thinking of what it was and what it could be. The words, the promises, the news, what it was and what it will be. But, was there a point? In the end, the world is what it is.

What could I have done?

The truth was, he was so tired of waiting, of filling a glass that would never placate the thirst, of becoming an inanimated part of those imponent Towers—feeling how it hurt to keep sitting idle on one side, waiting for the world to change on its own. Would it be different if he used his knowledge? Would the past be any different?

He clasped his hands together as a prayer, leaning over the window, looking at the vast sea once more. He could feel it, he needed to do something.

Across the endless sea, a vision appeared in front of him; his eyes were wide open at the sudden idea.

A change

An opportunity

A boat.

Feeling his resolution setting in, he proclaimed at the sky.

"I stayed as long as I could"

#ruth serbel #under the oak tree #calto serbel #agnes reuben #wold tower

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