#callmeredeyes

[westtexasmomma]

I am far from interesting, but. . .

I am far from interesting, but I didn’t live a dull life either. My life was hectic, sad and slightly pathetic. I didn’t grow up easy, I had to mature faster than everyone else around me. Live in the shadows, try to keep myself together which was very difficult. I wanted to be loved, to feel loved. I wanted to be someone else besides who I was, actually there are times I still wish I was someone else. I often slip into a great depression because of my upbringing and wonder if I should’ve made different choices than I did when I ran away after I graduated high school.

Where would I be today if ____? But then again I am sure we all feel like this at some point or another. There are times where I wonder “why do I even try anymore?”, “why do I even keep a blog? I’m no one special!” Hell, my birth mother was manipulated in giving me up when I was around 5 years old but I grew up believing she freely and willingly gave me up, my birth father is still a mystery, my adoptive family didn’t even want me anymore which was very clear during my upbringing. Most of my relationships cheated on me, most of my ‘friends’ stabbed me in the back constantly. Who am I to keep a blog? I have no followers, I pretty much use it to empty my burdens since I have no one I can call and talk to. My husband is always else where, even when he’s home he’s not mentally here. I try talking to him about it but he never understands. He’s so closed off emotionally that it’s extremely difficult. I have moved around so much over the last 7 years to where it’s hard to make friends, the friends I have made quickly forgets about me shortly after I move away. I don’t even have that one ‘childhood friend’, I feel empty. I have two beautiful babies but they’re still so young that you can’t have a conversation with them and I will never have a pour out with them, I would never want to burden them with the burdens I carry everyday. It’s not their fault so why bring them down.

I often wonder if I have been cursed. Was I cursed at birth for something that I haven’t done, for something I didn’t have control over? What did I do to deserve this emptiness? I’m sorry if this post reads like a “self-pity party” but I have to get it all off my chest. As I don’t have anyone to take the time and listen to me I !figured what’s the harm to post it in my blog.

My childhood wasn’t a happy one. I didn’t have loving and understanding parents. My “parents” took me away from a loving mother and manipulated the system so they could do it “legally” but they never really actually cared about my well-being. They just took me to torture my mother and then tortured me. As a parent you are suppose to be there for your child, to encourage them, boost their confidence. Instead, I got constantly torn down, making straight A’s wasn’t enough for them, working full-time and going to high school wasn’t enough for them (I NEVER saw my paychecks), being involved in several clubs at school wasn’t enough, being the perfect teenager wasn’t good enough, nothing I ever did was enough. I had one teacher I met freshman year that saw me, saw my pain, saw my potential, she became like a grandmother to me which was awesome as I never had one. She became my mentor, the person I could go to during lunch to talk to, to cry to. She introduced me to theater and FCCLA. I thrived in those fields so much to where every year I went to state finals in competitions, won honorable-mentioned actress at UILs, even received a scholarship to one of the BEST acting academies in the states.

After graduation I moved to Los Angeles, that’s the only place I ever felt at home. The only mistake I made was coming home for Christmas. I thrived in Los Angeles, I was making a 4.0 GPA in my courses, I landed roles with Modern Family and when I was to come back in January I was going to be signed into a contract with them for a permanent role. But I went home for Christmas. When I got off the plain I was GLOWING, I was CONFIDENT, I was so happy with myself, I LOVED the fact that my dreams were coming true. I had friends that cared for me, they became family to me (I miss them so much). I was to be home for two weeks, TWO WEEKS! It took only two weeks for my “family”  to CRUSH ME DOWN, to take what took eight months for me to build. They MANIPULATED ME to stay home. AND I FELL FOR IT!!! I stupidly fell for their tricks! It only took me a month to catch on to what they did. I immediately started working two full-time jobs, one night and one day! I was to be home at a certain time, pay for the groceries, drive my siblings around, and again I never saw my paychecks. I couldn’t even hangout with friends. So I arranged to start school again in August except only I didn’t get to go back to Los Angeles, they weren’t going to help me get back there and drained my checks to where I couldn’t save to go. So I went to a college only 2 hours away.

I went to college and finally could breathe again. Finally started to be happy again. That November I told them I wasn’t moving back for winter breaks or summer breaks. I was going to get an apartment close to campus. They HATED that, they started taking money out of my savings account. The money I had for my deposit and a few months of bills. I never thought they would do that to me. How foolish I was. I was sick, like really sick. I had a brain infection of the equilibrium. They took me off their insurance as soon as they found out, leaving me without the way of getting proper care. I was in college, my jobs didn’t have to offer me insurance because I didn’t work a certain amount of hours. So the illness got worse and I was on my own. My husband and I were only seeing each other for a few months when it got to the point to where the doctor said I wasn’t safe to live on my own. Me not having anyone, my husband immediately offered to move in with me. He has literally saved my life so many times. If it wasn’t for him I would not be alive today.

My illness kept getting worse. His grandparents invited us to move into their guest house in Houston so he could get a good job and I could see good doctors. It took eight months to get better.  

Since I have been with him, more and more secrets of my “family” started to come out to where they lost custody of my little sister who is now living happily with our birth mother. That “family” blocked all communication with me a year ago now, they try to contact me when it best suits them and it’s never to ask me how I’m doing, how my kids are. No, It’s ALWAYS to start quarrels. To talk crap about my siblings, to talk crap about my husband, to talk crap about my birth mother! TO PUT ME DOWN!!! I know my siblings aren’t perfect, I know my husband isn’t perfect, I know my birth mom isn’t perfect, I know I’m not perfect but the stuff they bring up are always twisted. It’s constantly thrown in my face how I hid things from them, how I ran away but when you try to tell them why I hid things, why I ran away they don’t want to hear it! IT’S ALWAYS MY FAULT! I was abused mentally, emotionally and physically, but it was my fault. If I sat down and wrote down the stuff I was punished for you would laugh, you would be confused as hell for how what I did was wrong! I was not a bad kid! Actually, I was far from it! I left relationships because they were ready to go “all the way”, I hid in the corners of the hallways, I made straight A’s and worked full-time, I was extremely involved in church. I was ALWAYS BUSY, never had time for friends. Hardly ever went on dates. Hell, I went to college on the weekend while I was in school, working full-time, involved in clubs, involved in church. I graduated high school with a 3.75 GPA with 30 credits in college! I was the perfect teenage girl but that wasn’t enough!

So here I am, turning 25 years old in a few months. Feeling like whatever I do isn’t enough, feeling empty, unaccomplished, scared to death of what the future holds.

I was told last week by someone that I need to work on myself, work on making myself happy. Which leaves me with the question of, “What can I do to make myself happy?” It’s been a week now and I can’t answer this question and it scares the hell out of me but I have no one to talk to about it! I feel lost! I feel empty! I feel lost! I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!