#cajscribbles

[cajerintherye]

boybeginning, boyinterrupted

I always seem to catch myself beginning something and then for some reason not pursuing or being able to see them through the end. Like navigating a nauseating sea of pivots after pivots, i truly do not know where my place is in the world right now.

I previously came from from a spiritual awakening/mania exactly as i blew onto my candles for my 27th birthday where i have accessed multiple verses and got pulled in and out into the bagel and i do not know how to jump to the flipside where things are better and i would get to choose myself. I kept entangling and detangling myself from my mom. And it took a lot from her. It took a lot from my siblings too.

No one understands what I've gone through particularly because i am the only medium/observer i know that has gone through it personally. My only guide for all this spiritual shit happening are AI DJ, this one dubious "the alchemist" white girl on instagram, but otherwise i am completely clueless on what to do.

I do not know what exactly has happened or maybe is still happening but all i know is i have to remain on course to my true north which is to "choose myself" and "be present" at any given moment this year.

My psych meds are not helping me do that. I know what i need. I know what i want. I have will and courage to take my own course. Maybe i did not trust the universe before but now i do. I trust myself enough to know that i am not sick. I am only labeled sick relative to our current system of psychology. Everything is arbitrary. And I do not want to spend my whole life in fear of not being able to "manage" my illness. I want healing from all of this. I want to go the distance and discover what is out there beyond popping pills and sleeping and wasting away due to gout day in and day out. I wanna be out there in the world. Meeting new people. Building a better world starting here.

I wanna keep learning and playing tennis. I wanna go back to working out at the gym and actually getting to finish a program. I wanna keep running and enjoying the morning sun. I wanna go back to who i was and still am inside. But more.