#cairspian 015.

[petervel]

the  dream  always  starts  like  this .     it’s caspian’s face first ,     warm   &   familiar ;     meticulously disarming peter until each and every one of his walls have crumbled into blunt shards at his feet .     he reaches out through the darkness ,     cradling peter’s face in his hands ,     and the  near - constant ,     roaring  ache of the hole in the high king’s chest ebbs ,     stunned into silence by the caresses of affection stamped onto his cheeks like an unspoken vow     ⸺     night  after  night  after  night ,     touch alone brings peter to his knees   &   forces him to unravel the truth that he cannot bear to acknowledge within his waking hours :     he would do anything ,     everything ,     to linger on in caspian’s orbit forever .

(  but  not  like  this ;     not  as  a  distant ,     dead  star ,     long  gone  from  the  sky  he  relies  ‘pon  for  comfort  in  the  blackest  hours  of  the  night .     you  are  nothing  but  an  echo  of  the  light  he  once  saw  within  your  eyes     ⸺     but  you  would  give  anything ,     be  anything ,     to  earn  your  place  beside  him  again .     all  you’ve  ever  wanted  is  to  stay  by  his  side .  )

but he disappears ;     he always does ,     in the end .     what happens next is a lottery that shifts with the  mercurial  tides  each evening :     tonight ,     the great lion himself appears before peter ,     hackles raised .     of  course  he  isn’t  safe ,     peter thinks distantly ,     as if peering into a memory to uncover a  long - forgotten  truth .     no - one  can  tame  him     ⸺     you  least  of  all .     ❛ you cannot stay here , ��     aslan tells him ,     golden eyes unreadable and  near - green .      ❛ let  him  go .     before it destroys you and narnia both . ❜     ❛ i’m so sorry ,     aslan , ❜     peter whispers ,     ❛ i’m  trying  ⸺  ❜     but it isn’t enough .     it’s never enough .    ❛ your  return  has  endangered  them  all ,     my  son .     no  matter  the  choice  you  make ,     ruin  will  follow . ❜

                    when he wakes ,     his cheeks are wet .

peter knows what should come next .     he should roll over   &   let sleep take him once more     ⸺     better yet ,     he should escape out onto the deck and seek solace within the arms of the stars above until he can pretend the  choice  that stands before him is naught but wind in his ears ;     the choice with no right direction ,      even if there is a choice at all .     aslan is right     ⸺     he  will  destroy  everything .

perhaps this ,     in the end     ⸺     his clear sight of the ruin at the end of each path     ⸺     is what shatters the pillars that hold his strength .     ' what  are  you  doing ? ’     chides the small ,     insistent voice at the back of his mind that has always shouldered the burden of  responsibility   &   wins out against his heart more often than not     ⸺     ‘ you  heard  him .     you  don’t  belong  here , ’     it insists     ⸺     but he carries on with his odyssey all the same ,     treacherous legs carrying peter from his plush hammock below deck to caspian’s quarters at the back of the ship .     a hand lifts to curl ‘round the knob at the entrance to the stern cabin ,     and after far too little deliberation ,     he pushes the  right - hand  door open with a gentle  click .     ❛ caspian ? ❜     peter whispers into the darkness ,     idling in the threshold as if it is the only line in the sand that he cannot bring himself to breach .

he can go no further .     but neither can he let go .

                                        plotted  starter  for  @cairspian​ !