#c: ryan cross w. elliot cross 004

[dxrkenedheights]

★・・・・・・★

"I know." Ryan nods slowly, and he's never expected Elliot to simply turn a new leaf. It's impossible for a Cross to completely change. He knows that carrying the weight of everything until it crushes him is something Elliot has done his entire life. There's no remedy, but there are ways to ease the load. "It'd be weird if you thought all this was easy." he adds with the slightest grin but he hopes the point still stands. None of this right now is a walk in the park, and Elliot should be proud of handling it the way he is. A steady but unstoppable force, carrying on no matter what.

"She ain't going nowhere again, El." he reassures his brother, certain that once you lose something the once that the fear of it being lost always remains. He can relate to that emotion, and he's never been good at mathematics but the basic calculation remains. Take what you feel, multiply it by a hundred and that right there is Elliot's baseline of how he feels everything. "She loves you the way you are, you know that right?" he waves a hand in gesture to his brother. Flaws and all, everything Elliot overthinks and over-feels. "So don't beat yourself up too hard, man. You bein' this is exactly how you got her." Ryan nods his head subtly to the bedroom.

The feeling remains through all of the brothers, wishing they could take one another away from any Hell they find themselves in. Whether a mental torment or a true one, Ryan wishes the same now as he watches Elliot. He wishes to find Cece, to put a stop to all of it. The feelings of protection go as far as wishing he could travel back through time and stop everything from happening the way it did. He claps a firm but quiet hand to his brother's arm, a silent show of support. He can't do anything except be there. "You got this, El. You've got through the past three years already, I don't think you gotta change much of what you're doing." he nods. "We'll be there right 'til you don't need us to be and if you need us to be right 'til the end, then that's what it'll be."

END.

Elliot hears the wisdom in Ryan's words. He knows his brother is right. But it's hard for the younger Cross to accept that they're doing everything they can because it doesn't feel like enough. He suspects it won't until Cece is back with them. And, until then, he'll be chasing after the thought of her. "I know you're right," he sighs, rubbing his face again as the fire begins to wane. "It's just hard." It's his constant refrain. Everything feels difficult. He's Sisyphus, pushing the rock up an endless hill, no rest in sight.

He's always waffled between wanting to chase after his brothers, and feeling like a burden to them. The past years, he's relied on them more than anyone else, unable to fathom life without Isla and Cece. But they'd carried him through the worst of it. Even now, Ryan's words do something for Elliot that he can't really explain. Reassure maybe. "Sometimes it feels like she weren't even gone." He admits with a soft smile cast back towards the bedroom. They'd easily fallen back into old habits and ways of being with each other. Isla's presence calmed and fortified him. It made him breathe easy in many ways and it's hard to remember what it was like without her. Until he does and he thinks of losing her all over again. If anything, it makes him hold on tighter, unwilling to let her go.

He works his jaw when Ryan points out the thing that's followed him his entire life: guilt. Made all the more real by Jeff's words and ire, combining with Elliot's own self-loathing from a young age. He'd always felt weak, and like that was why things went wrong. If he'd been stronger or smarter or better or just someone else entirely. The doubt rolls up over him like waves and it's hard to change the thinking, even if, deep down, he knows it's not true. Not always, anyway. The younger of the two sighs and he glances at his older brother now. "My head feels like a maze, Ry," he says, tapping his temple, "and it ain't easy to put those thoughts to rest," he confesses quietly. "But I'm...trying." If not for himself, then for Isla. He lets out another puff of trapped air. "And I know y'all are doin' everything you can to help us, too." Elliot clears his throat, glancing away, exhaustion having hit a long time ago, but finally making its way to his head. "It means everything."

[dxrkenedheights]

★・・・・・・★

Better the Devil you know. This thought reoccurs to Ryan more often than not. Back in Atlanta, the clutches of their father was their struggle. But, back in Atlanta, it seemed easier to know what to do and say whenever there was struggle. It seemed easier to tell Elliot what could happen next. Now, uncertainty is their struggle and not one of them can say what waits for them. It's worse. Ryan thinks he would say as such if asked. "Right now, there's only two things y'all can do. And that's either lookin' for her, or throwin' up your hands and throwin' in the towel." and quite evidently, they all know that the latter would never be an option. "It don't feel like enough I bet but it's everythin' you got right now."

Ryan watches the way Elliot shifts to look to the room, and his eyes only move there momentarily before they're back to his brother. The youngest Cross was a deciding moment for the other brothers. Elliot was suddenly the wake up call, even at their young ages. A snap to reality that made them all stop accepting their life for what it was, because the idea of it taking Elliot too was terrifying. "I think if you asked her, she'd tell you how you do." Ryan sighs softly about Isla. It was funny, how a lot of them saw it coming but when Elliot and her were finally together, nobody expected to witness a love quite like it. It made sense to anybody with eyes. "And I think the fact she had to find you kept her goin' for so long, 'cause y'all need each other."

He has to find a pause to consider Elliot's question, and Ryan glances towards the flames to let the thoughts sink through his mind. Eventually, his shoulders lift with a shrug. "Man, right now with all this shit? No. I think all of us are wonderin' what's next." but Elliot, in many ways, has worn his heart on his sleeve in that respect. Other people can put that facade on a lot easier than the young Cross. Elliot can only go so far pretending it's all just fine. "Your problem ain't ever been how you wonder what else could go wrong, El." he then says, waving a hand and giving his brother a sympathetic frown. "Your problem is that when it does, you think it's your fault." sometimes they're all guilty of it, deprecating words from Jeffrey make it far too easy to lose all confidence with their choices. Ryan huffs a laugh about him and Hunter, giving a careless shrug next. "He's a fuckin' idiot, ain't my fault."

He doesn't say intentions only get you so far. He knows that Ryan's right. That actions and the reasons behind them matter. But he also knows that his intention to find his daughter has yielded limited results. Still, Elliot clings to the small fragments of hope they've found along the way. How Fi has joined them at just the right time to bring even a slight bit of hope with her. "I just wish intentions gave us better results is all." He rubs the back of his neck, speaking honestly because it's exhausting not to be. "But we ain't gonna stop. And I know she's got someone lookin out for her...it helps." Not much, but a little, if only because it helps Isla sleep just a bit easier at night.

Elliot glances at the door and if he listens closely, he can hear the steady rhythm of Isla's heartbeat. It's a sound he's so attuned to, he'd know it anywhere. "I hate that I can't make it easier for her." He loves Isla more than he's ever loved anything in his life. The fact that she exists in the same liminal space he does, somewhere between joy and incredible grief, makes him feel rotten inside. Like he's not able to fix things. To make them better. To protect her the way he's always promised he would. "But she's the strongest person I know," he huffs proudly, raking a hand through his hair, "it's the only way we're getting through this." Because he relies on Isla's strength now more than ever. She seems to have an abundance of it, even at her lowest, she still keeps them moving. Relentless is too small a word for what Isla is.

He shakes his head, clarifying, "Would you think you were wrong for waitin' for something bad to happen?" For as long as he can remember, Elliot had always felt like the other shoe was about to drop. That something bad was always going to happen. And each time something bad did, he thought, maybe this is it. Maybe this is what's supposed to happen. Then something else would and he'd think, well, maybe it's this. And then he met Isla and he thought that if he'd ever been wrong about anything, he hoped it was about this. He'd hoped that the other shoe was just a figure in his mind – a monster under the bed that turned out to be nothing. And then the war happened, and he'd lost them both, and he realized that that was what he'd been waiting for – the other shoe. It turns out that the monster under his bed had been real after all. It makes him think of what else is out there. What else can go wrong.

Elliot is quiet for a moment, letting his brother's words roll over him. Though he feels unworthy of the compliment, he can't help the soft smile that ghosts at the corner of his mouth. "Someone's gotta be with you and Hunter causin' chaos wherever you go." Elliot utters with a quiet laugh.

[dxrkenedheights]

★・・・・・・★

"Ah," Ryan makes a quick thought noise, giving a shrug. "Wish I was older so I could'a done more, but that's the thing about all this..." parenthood, family, life in general for that matter. "Think what matters at the end of the day, is the shit we are able to do and if we do it with the right...y'know? Intentions." he's never been the best with his words, that has always been a gift that Elliot and Wolf share. But, Ryan still knows he's right. And he's never witnessed the young Cross do anything without authenticity.

He nods the once, because there's nothing happening that's easy. But, everything Isla and Elliot face is the hardest, he's sure of it. He wonders why, or if there's any point in asking. Why did life want to choose two good people to suffer? In reality, it's their writers being psychopaths but Ryan doesn't know that. "It is, yeah." he confirms in a quiet voice, a sad note to the tone. "But, y'all aren't letting how hard it is stop you so far. So, you should let the fact there's a lil bit of happiness." he gestures to the bedroom door. "You're both good together, and having another baby is just proof that y'all love each other. Another lil part of you both."

There's a light laugh and Ryan shakes his head teasingly. "Well, excuuuuse moi." he drawls, sounding far more Southern than he has in his life. The laughter might be brief, as both brothers return their gaze to the flames. The whisper of the fire is suddenly all that sounds through the cabin but Elliot's question brings Ryan to glance back to him. "What you mean? If I was you, would I think I was a good dad?" he nods then, with a another small laugh but only assured of his next words. "Yeah. El, If I was you, I'd think I was a damn good person too."

"You were always a good dad too," Elliot asserts. "You did what was best for Mase." Some might've viewed the four years Ryan helped from a distance as a missed opportunity but what the hell was he supposed to do? He took the kid when he could and it doesn't seem like Mase's got any feelings abut it either.

Elliot wonders if he can do what Ryan suggests. He makes it so sound easy. Sighing, he rubs his face. "Maybe you're right...I just..." He lifts his shoulders helplessly. "It's just hard." he whispers. Elliot swallows and nods a little, "I know," comes the quiet reply, stomach twisting at Ryan's words because he needs them to be true. He needs to know that they're moving closer to her. That she's waiting for them. We will find you, darlin', I promise. He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, taking a deep breath as anxiety twists sharply in him, like a knife in his gut – always cutting.

"Shut up, I did. She says I'm improvin'." Elliot lies as his blue-eyed gaze returns to the orange flames, their bright light and the heat they give off causing him to squint a little bit. He looks lost in concentration and feels like he's trying to solve some great puzzle: his life. "Be honest, Ry – if you were me...would you believe that?" Cece couldn't possibly remember him. It's one of his greatest fears. That he'll be a stranger to his little girl. Barely three months old before she'd slipped through his fingers.

His chest feels tight as those thoughts resurface and Elliot dips his head between his arms. He exhales deeply, trying to ground himself as the thoughts threaten to take him away. It's always been this way for the youngest Cross – just when he feels like his head is above water and he can breathe, another wave hits him, threatening to drag him under. "Sorry," he ekes out as he inhales again through his nose and, three seconds later, exhales through his mouth. "I know you're just...you see the good side of things." He shakes his head, still tucked between arms, "I just ain't ever known how to do that."

[dxrkenedheights]

★・・・・・・★

Ryan chuckles with a small nod. "Uhuh, but this is Tammie we're talkin' about. She ain't gonna admit that." he has a grin just thinking about her stubbornness, which he can see straight through. "To be honest, I ain't even there for all that." he then admits, and despite being serious Ryan still shrugs in amusement. "I remember how hard it was with Mase and not really knowin' what to do. And I know what she's like, gonna be pushin' down everything she's feelin' and just carrying on." it's easy to laugh about his son when Elliot mentions Teddy, and Ryan has to use all his strength to not burst into a cackle. "Ah man, I feel bad for him. Why we always gotta like the women with the attitude?"

No matter how close the brothers are, this isn't a pain that any one of them can help Elliot with. And feeling helpless isn't an easy feeling for a Cross, not when their entire lives were action and instant reaction. It's almost alien, like watching their youngest brother struggle from afar and wanting desperately to take it all away. "If you're bein' pulled in both directions, maybe you're meant to feel both." Ryan shrugs in a slight frown. "Maybe some days it's meant to be you're excited, you let yourself be. And others, you let yourselves miss Cece. Out loud." because he doubts missing their daughter comes at separate times, and he suspects it isn't the sort of yearning that can be ignored.

"I know all of us wish we could just bring her right back to you." he speaks on behalf of every wolf in their pack. Cece's loss can be felt throughout it, and everyone's concern fixes to Isla and Elliot even their newer additions of Carlos and Gabriel. He throws caution to the wind with his next words, not wanting to spiral Elliot further but feeling the constriction of his own chest if he didn't say it. "I think...deep down, you and Isla would know if..." he bows his head slightly. "If all these searches weren't gonna take you to her. 'cause when you think about it, every place you go to is a step closer. It ain't further. And y'all love her so much, I think you'd be able to feel it. There was all those stories of missin' humans, right? Mamas especially bein' able to tell." it doesn't take the fear away and even Ryan has found sleepless nights where his mind wanders into dread. He thinks they all do.

"I doubt you said that right." he comments lightly in a small huff, because he can't speak Spanish any better. Ryan catches his brothers glance, nodding in complete understanding that Isla doesn't deserve any of this. But his focus, right now at least, is on his younger brother. "You don't either." Ryan says simply. "You're a good dad, El. And when this baby comes, you'll remember that. 'cause I think...part of you thinks somethin' bad was always supposed to happen to you but it weren't. It shouldn't have happened like this."

Elliot snickers, doing his best not to wake Isla with a laugh. "I ain't sayin' you gotta do that neither. Just that – well, you been helpin' out a lot. Figured it meant she wanted you around." He shrugs, his only investment in his brother's relationship that Ryan end up happy in some way. And he knows that Tammie makes that happen. She seems more understanding than her twin and sometimes Elliot forgets that he and Nora even dated because his writer forgets that they dated. "Seems like you and Mase are in the same boat anyway," he cackles lowly, "I seen the way lil Prescott storms away whenever he tried talkin' when we were all at the Castle.. Maybe he gets it from you."

They were all alike in many ways, and vastly different in others. Elliot wishes he were more like his brother in their ability to ride the waves of a storm at sea, rather than get dragged under. Ever since he was a kid, he's always felt a bit like he's gasping for air, grasping at his brothers to keep his head above water and, without them, he'd drown. "It exhausts me." He admits after a beat, a sigh escaping as he drops his head a bit. "Feels like I'm bein' pulled in two direction, and I wanna go in both." And he doesn't know how. Each of his emotions are always so big that to have two at war within himself means it was never going to be easy. He casts a glance at Ryan. "I just wanna find my lil girl." Elliot says softly, feeling wretched just thinking about how much time has passed since she was without either him or Isla. "And then maybe I'll be able to breathe again." It's as honest as he's ever been but anyone with eyes can see that he's been holding his breath. That until Cece is in his arms, he'll keep doing so.

"Who do you think she'll believe? You or her lil prince-ah-peeto, huh?" Elliot cracks a wider grin, happy to make fun of his brother when the moment presents itself. He follows Ryan's gaze to the bedroom and sighs, nodding slightly. "I hope so. She don't deserve this to feel bad." Which is another conflict in Elliot – not wanting to make Isla feel like she can't be happy or excited or overjoyed openly just because he's struggling with it. He shakes his head. "She's the best mom. Ain't fair she gotta go through this."

[dxrkenedheights]

★・・・・・・★

Ryan's chuckle is childish, nodding with wide eyes and complete sarcasm at his brother's statement. "Alright, Jesus. I get it. Ain't even stoppin' for water breaks." he holds up a hand, trying to keep his laughter low enough so it doesn't break through the entire cabin. There's a scoff about Tammie, but Ryan's beyond the point of knowing what to do. "Ain't for a lack of tryin'." he chooses to laugh again, but he's made his stance clear enough. And Tammie made hers. "You and Mase both actin' like I gotta go over there and rip off her clothes. Y'all spendin' too much time with Hunt. Sick bastards." even though he delivers the goading with a pretend offence, the laughter on Ryan's lips gives him away.

He falls silent as he watches and listens to his brother row through the emotions. Elliot's ores are just as strong as any others, but it's the water that's always been different for the baby Cross. The levels rise quicker, there's weeds and roots wrapping around him and dragging him under. But, Ryan can't find a single thing he disagrees with when it comes to this. He can see exactly why Elliot feels the way he does now. "I think it's fine if you're not." he says more of a statement than a suggestion. "I sure as Hell ain't expecting you and Isla to walk around here with smiles the size of the moon. Don't think no one is." Ryan shrugs to his brother gently even while his heart twists when Elliot mentions Cece. "Y'all ain't gonna love her less for loving this one. And y'all ain't gonna stop looking for her just for this one either." he slaps a hand to Elliot's shoulder. "It don't feel like it right now, but you're both doing good. Promise."

All brotherly bonding aside, Ryan's laugh is an air of relief about the close call .The fact the bedroom door hasn't swung open with tiny Isla rushing out to grab either of them by the ears. The comforting slap to Elliot's shoulder turns into a rougher one. "I'm throwin' you under the bus man, if it comes to it. I don't care. You know that, right?" at least he's honest. He doesn't even want to say that he's been in her good books thus far, terrified to jinx it. "But-" he raises a finger to go back to his point. "I was just sayin', when all the..." Another glance to the bedroom. "Hormones and shit. It'll all start to feel normal, I guess."

"We ain't that bad!" Elliot protests with a smug smirk. They really weren't...or so he thinks. "There're plenty of times y'all aren't even around. We're considerate." He says with a low laugh. "Get some earplugs on your next run then. If you're so damn traumatized. Maybe bring back a therapist too." Elliot retorts in a fast whisper, eyes drifting to the bedroom and then back to his brother. "I'm just surprised you and Tammie ain't been making the same ruckus." He says with a pointed look. "Considerin' how often you been over there." When the Jones girls had arrived back in town with a baby in tow, it was clear that they'd been through hell. So it's no surprise to Elliot that Ryan's been there, helping out, considering his feelings for Tammie were as clear as day, at least to his brothers.

"I wanna be, you know..." happy. Overjoyed. Excited. He doesn't even finish the thought before lifting his shoulders. "And I am. I think. I dunno." He feels helpless because he knows Isla's going through the same thing and he can't help her either. "But...how can I?" His gaze returns to the fire and he thinks of how cold it's getting outside and his stomach twists when he thinks of Cece out there. "She ain't got no one and we're here..." together. Adding to their family. Elliot breaks off and runs a hand over his tired face.

But Ryan's the brother who, regardless of circumstance, can find a reason to smile. To crack a joke. To bring light into the darkness, reaching corners even the fire can't. "I ain't ever said that word," fat," in a sentence when talkin' about her." Elliot says with a definitive nod, "so if she hears anything, she'll know it weren't me talkin' 'bout her." Though if she did overhear, it'd probably be out of context, and then if he said he didn't say anything, she'd probably say something like oh, so you just let your brother call me fat and you do not say I am not? And then if he did say he said she wasn't, she'd say oh, you think it is not obvious that I am not fat? You think it needs to be explained? So, really, he avoids the word entirely and if they didn't live in the same cabin, he'd have promptly exited the moment it was uttered.

[dxrkenedheights]

★・・・・・・★

Ryan snickers, a naturally quieter note that escapes through his teeth. "Y'all got me and Rory livin' on high alert like we're in the barracks or some shit." he nods his head back to Elliot and Isla's room, his grin wider as a louder laugh threatens that he staves for the sake of the others sleeping. "We come out here and then leave and don't even fuckin' say a word. Traumatized our asses." his chuckles are childish, and they stick to his shoulders even while they fade. Because all jokes aside, Ryan is well aware of why his baby brother is out here and staring into the amber flames instead of trying to traumatize Rory and him again.

"Don't think you should feel anythin' except for what you're feeling." Ryan shrugs, aware how a snippet of Wolf has crawled through his words. "I wouldn't know how to feel neither. Don't think anyone would." because there's so much to consider. How an obvious reminder of Cece is now growing away in Isla's stomach, and how the world that clutches around all of them is far from safe. How celebrating a new life seems scarier than happier. "Think it might be one of those things that gets easier a lil later on, y'know? When she's yellin' at you for making her fat." Ryan catches his last word, forcing his tone into a whisper as he makes a scared glance to his brother's room. He stares at the door in silence, held breath and all until it's evident Isla didn't hear. So Ryan puffs out in relief. "Jesus. That was close."

Elliot snickers at Ryan's words, waving a hand dismissively, "fuck off, man," he chortles, a wry grin of amusement crossing his face for a beat. Moments like these make it easy to think they're back home. But Elliot realizes that home was never really home. It was just a place. Home for him had been where his brothers were and then, eventually, where Isla was, and Cece. And now it feels like part of his home is missing and he can't settle because of it. Even with Isla back, his dreams are restless. Maybe less than before but he's still chasing the endless path of questions without answers before him each time he shuts his eyes.

His eyes drift to the jackets and he shakes his head. "Nah, s'fine. Shoulda known better," Elliot laments as he rakes a hand through unruly hair. He wishes he could shut his mind off, even for a minute, but it seems an impossible task. Which his brother knows. He glances at Ryan and nods quietly, without an immediate response. He knows that he and Isla aren't alone. But knowing it is different than feeling it. Elliot sighs. "I know. It's just..." he shrugs, rubbing a hand across his jaw before blue eyes are pulled back to hot orange flames. "A lotta feelings I guess. I know I should be happy but..." It feels wrong.

[dxrkenedheights]

★・・・・・・★

The creaking movement from his brother's room is enough to pull Ryan out of his shallow sleep. Only in case he needs to make a quick escape for a late night walk. Elliot's footsteps draw into the living area instead, causing a small sigh of relief and Ryan gives it a moment until he decides to join him. He wonders if life was simpler in Atlanta, and how ironic that thought is. The threat of war existed over their heads then too, except in the shape of a father. But, news that was shared today would have been celebrated by everybody. Now, all Ryan can feel is a deep sympathy and an understanding that no, life isn't that simple anymore.

"Yeah, well I was sleepin' but thought I was gonna get a rude awakenin'." he chuckles faintly while his steps pad to join Elliot by the fire. He tsks another laugh then about the smokes, nodding his head towards the jackets that hang by the door. "I got some. Like three left...'cause...me too." none of them ever learn about Hunter's finesse probably because any other time he's about as subtle as a brick. Lulling them into a false sense of confidence without fail. Ryan knows Elliot's lack of sleep means his mind is whirring, and he doesn't blame him. "You already know y'all won't have to do any of that alone, right?" he chooses to remind his brother, speaking of the new arrival that will join them in future months. "And nothin' that looks for Cece is gonna come to an end. You got my word on that."

+ RYAN / CROSS CABIN / NOV. 13

It's near midnight and Elliot can't sleep. Rather than toss and turn, he brushes a kiss to Isla's temple and heads to the small living room of their cabin. If this was Center Hill, he might've cracked open a beer, grabbed a pack of smokes and sat on the front steps of the trailer. But there's no beer, and no smokes, and, more importantly, they're thousands of miles from Atlanta.

He stokes the fire in the living room, watching the embers burn back to life before taking a seat. Elliot studies the dancing flames as he considers a whole host of things. But, at the forefront of his mind is the news they'd shared with their family earlier tonight. Another child. They hadn't even found their first, and here they were, preparing for a second.

Elliot feels a bitterness he didn't know could exist alongside a muted joy. Because it feels wrong to be happy. It feels wrong to be excited. It all feels wrong. He's lost in thought but catches another door creaking open. Elliot pokes the fire again, watching the orange pillars leap and swirl as he gives a slight nod in Ryan's direction. "Couldn't sleep," he murmurs, the statement unnecessary but used to break the silence. "And Hunt stole my smokes last week." Well stole, is a bit of a stretch. More like Elliot lost them in a game of cards, even though he knew better than to play with his brother. @dxrkenedheights