#by ma frnd

[fancyfeathers]

@zainiscompletelydone333 asked a question

I kinda think clementine and Mycroft's relationship is the opposite of Eloise and William's?? Like unlike Eloise who is a detective disagreeing with her fayhers criminal ways, clementine on the other hand grows up to resent the aristocracy for their rules, the very rules her mother was tortured with (isolation, giving up on you dreams for a man, not talking back or else you'll be slapped etc). While she does have her mother's rage, growing under a man smarter than Sherlock made her very adept at masking her emotions. At surface level she is the perfect lady : polite, quiet, unassuming and submissive unlike her mom, but underneath lies a very anrachiac(?) and rebellious soul. Like Fyodor, but obviously not as smart. But she is able to mentally put up a fight with her father. And what's worse is that she doesn't have to raise her voice to do so. She has somewhat similar ideals of LoC and I hc that growing up she was a fan of him lol. Anyways I believe during her late teens she eventually escapes and starts causing mayhem in London. But since she is very smart, she can figure out a way to ensure Mycroft stays away from her by pulling a few strings here and there. She knows how these institutes work die to her father, and now she can cause chaos in a more systematic way lol. I also think of her and Eloise as less frnds and more enemies/rivals?? Eloise is a detective afterall

Fukuzawa and Mori vibes 100%

I do not think that Clementine is would be in the crime scene because she likes the Lord of Crime but more so to destroy everything her father has worked to build out of hatred for him so if that means trying to topple the fucking government and working in underground crime scene fine then, it is means to an end. But above all that the main reason she does what she does is a desire for freedom and control over her own life that she never had growing up and crime just happens provide what she wants.

The type of jobs she does are a lot less honorable than what was driving the Moriartys, her goal is not to help anyone it is just for her to have control, arranging practicality anything, opium dens, murder, theft. She will essentially become Mori from Bungou Stray Dogs, controlling the criminal underworld in the palm of her hands, but the only thing she will never do, under any circumstances is anything with trafficking or kidnapping, she has her reasons.

It is simple to say that her and Eloise do not get along. Clementine has tried to get Eloise on her side but when Eloise found out about her criminal works she has turned her away but she has not turned her in because Eloise knows the repercussions Clementine will face at her own father’s hand are terrifying, Eloise knows because she has been through it before as a child with her own father.

But of course there are times where Eloise and Clementine have to work together just like Fukuzawa and Mori did. Eloise cases deals with some certain people that would pose a threat to Clementine’s business or something is at risk of something slipping out that may reach the ears of Mycroft that would up Clementine at risk, so when times like that come up they have no choice but to work together.

Just picture Clementine coming to Eloise’s office at her estate, getting in without anyone knowing she was there. Eloise is sitting at her desk, already expecting Clementine and just there is a bit of smugness for Eloise because Clementine has to suck up her pride and ask for Eloise’s help…

“Eloise-“

“Your Grace.”

“Excuse me?”

“I am a Duchess, if you want my help at least address me properly.”

“Oh fuck you-“

Eloise has resources that Clementine does not, contentions via her position as a Duchess and with the organization her husband and Andrei run, friends in high and low places, meanwhile Clementine just has control and people who work for her that she prays that won’t betray her.

Since Mycroft still has an eye on his daughter she mostly just organizes crime, making people desperate for her help. She is only around sixteen post time skip, there is no way for her to be able to leave without her father looking for her…

Now eventually she will be caught and it could go one of two ways…

The first way is Eloise turning Clementine in because she has either made too much of a problem in England or is just getting in Eloise’s way. So when Clementine returns from a walk or some sort of party with her mother, she sees her father in the drawing room with a letter in hand with Eloise’s handwriting on it and Louis, the leader of the MI6, sitting across from Mycroft and just from the way her father looks at her she knows she has been caught and she is now back at square one, being nothing more than Mycroft’s daughter.

…The other way she could get caught is of her own volition. Eloise deals with a number of dangerous criminals and one in particular comes up that could practically destroy England and every the lot of them has. So Clementine would contact the others, Eloise and her husband, Madeline, Andrei, Marguerite, and even Hyacinth, and ask them for a partnership to deal with this issue that would affect all of them. Then like in this post it is only a matter of time before all of them disappear, and a letter on Clementine’s bed to her father which explains everything, what she has been doing, why she is gone, and that if things go to according to plan he will never see her again…

But Eloise and her husband, Nathanial, know that this case will be tough and may cost them more than they would like, but they are willing to pay the price together. Eloise also writes a letter to her father but it is not spiteful, it is not angry, it is like an apology. It is an apology because she is sorry for what she is about to do, there is a little chance of all of them coming out alive, so Eloise just asks him to take care of the twins and her adopted daughter, because she does not know if she will ever come back home.

[srhsarah]

Mais uma vez deixei você se aproximar

Mas uma vez você pode me machucar

Mais um episódio de você na minha vida

Um episódio que virou ferida

Pra variar você me machucou

Pra variar você me encantou

Pra variar cai no seu Papinho

Pra variar tô aqui me desiludindo

Mais uma vez esqueci o mal que me fez

E embarquei nos teus encantos

Passou um tempo, curou por dentro

E eu simplesmente esqueci como me machucou

Já fiz tanto isso que calejei

Seu rosto novamente nas paredes do meu ser encostei

Mas uma vez pus a carência em evidência e te aceitei

Mas com tada certeza me arrependi.

Quantas vezes vou me render a você

Te deixar entrar e fazer o que bem quiser

Queria que simplesmente sumisse de mim

Que seus aposentos, sejam destruídos dentro de mim emfim.

Preciso te afastar

Deixar meu coração se povoar

De pessoas que não são assim

Querendo só tirar proveito de mim.

Frnd de nv

[dojae-huh]

yes ofcrs....I do think the bunny tatto have to do smthng with dy, considering how ty is...the way he didnt mentioned or explain the reason behind it also makes a definitive conclusion...mayb dy didnt want him to let the world knw abt it evn tho they r best frnds...u knw how dy behave sometimes...he can announce that he brought couple rings nd even said it himself that they r togthr when ty went to hiatus....nd ofcrs ty wont cross the line if dy didnt want it...

The thing about ty is he wants some things or ppl that he loves dearly to commemorate...if he tattoos ruby for the memory then I am sure the bunny is dy..I dont really ship them but sometimes I do really think , there must have be a milli second that ty would want do in his life forever..like it would be heaven if he get dy....I am not trying to convey my word into them as a ship or real...I dont quite follow their interactions, but whenever it happens u knw , y dont they...like that....I nd may be the reason ty was very loud about saying I love u to dy nd he is ma fav whenever he got chances, even the bts of mv shootings dont knw how many times he shouted dy's name..like dy himself asked the staff that y does he love me that much?? Just wondering what is he going to do without him....haha...joking tho...

nd the thing about jae is he can only just watch it..haha....poor boy... whenever dotae happens he must have something to add on it...like when dy said ty is cute baggy Jean's audio live , nd mark said he got touched by dys confession, then jae said Aah i was looking at them ,they cant meet the eyes.. nd during fact check smini mark said the song ( I think its loves a beauty) ty wrote it thinking about dy, then jae said like ty said not to mention it...like he cant sit still ...for latest con, when dotae having their moment,ty talking about their love nd 11 yrs of friendship then jae said should we give you some private time on the back?? Hahaha....like u knw not jealousy but something that makes him jump from the seat...may b he couldn't get out of that teenage boy jae within him....haha..nd really sorry for changing the topic...

So my conclusion as a an observer (ofcrs not good as u) I am srsly sure about that tatto related with do nd ofcrs there is a clear reason behind him giving the whale painting for his bday..(ofcrs I dont knw the reason tho) ...nd dont knw how he will survive without his team on military...I am gonna miss him so much...

I actually do think Taeyong is that dependant on Do and did have a more than a minute long thought of wanting him forever, lol. He said it directly to Do afterall. And he doesn't care about Jaehyun's wrath.

It's right to be careful with "wishful thinking", no need to describe how fans in general like to overthink and imagine absolutely unrealistic rainbow scenarios. However, in the end it comes to the individual under scrutinity. Taeyong wrote a whole song about his dog and talked about her as his only friend in high school in Lost boys. I love animals, I dedicated my life to them as a zoologist and animal artist, and even for me it is hard to imagine such dedication for a small old pet. Tae is very grateful to his sister, he said his home where his mom is, he loves his nephew, he talks about Baekhyun's support non-stop, he can't let go of his favourite dongsaeng Jaehyun, he supports his friends like Johnny or Yuta (when JohnDo had a fall out, Tae tried to pay Johnny attention a lot before cameras, smooth out the situation), he sacrificed a lot for his group, endured bullying accusations not wanting to drag into it the person involved - he is emotional and clings to the people he formed bonds with.

That being said, Tae changed in the last two years, noticeably matured, he spends more and more time with his producer friends and managers, in the city as well. He started to live alone. He is aiming for emotional independance. So he will probably be able to go through the military ok. Plus conscripts can now use mobile phones any time, so he won't be cut off from his friends and family.

Heh, Jaehyunie. Yes, he needs to include himself. And who can blame him. His friendship with Tae is complicated.

The whale for Tae is positive mental health. He compared his inner demons with sharks, and the whale is a big kind calm creature swimming in the blue sea/sky. Maybe it's him at times as well.

"Now the size of my heart is only a real whale

The shark in my mind is no longer there"

He probably talked more about whales in some of his lives, but can't find the info right now.

[vinnymusings]

College Placements Tension (In Telugu)

College ipotundi placements lo asla select kaledu, apatike chala mandi “era job inka raleda?” ani adigi sampuku tintunaru. Aroju clg last day exam ipote andaru sadhukoni intiki velipodame. Ayite nenu na frnd intiki poledu, apudu memu tisukuna decision ma javithalu malupulu tiriginayi! Asalu intaaki em jarigindi anede eroju topic. Hi hello namaste na peru Vineeth. Ma daddy manchi college lo…

[hinahasan]

mohsin

main sabse uski pole khol ke rekh doongi uska kacha chhitta khol doongi uski kaarastaniya uske gunahon ki dastan suna doongi isliye bhosdi dar ke muje mere hi frnds relatives se ban kardi muje qabees uske dhagde se ma ki laudi ghaliz ghatiya nagin… aaaq thoo uske dirty jeene pe…khuda rasool usko uski fucking zalil chotti aulad se isolate karde aameen…batul bhosdi isolate ho ke til til marey rand…

[kdramaxoxo]

https://kdramaxoxo.tumblr.com/post/687183581364256768/hey-can-you-reccomend-me-with-some-kdramas-where

Recent one sh**ting stars.. multiple duos but they are duos who r frnds with eo..and yeah I LOVED this drama...miss them TT

good to know anon! I actually started this drama before my slump and just well...never picked it back up again even tho the kisses I've seen look UH MA ZING and i love the leads.

[purewhitewolf]

Songs each layer would listen to:

Surface

Suburbia Overture - Will Wood

Always - Panic! At the Disco

Fighter - Jack Stauber

Doctor - Jack Stauber

FRIENDS - Marshmello & Anne-Marie

I Do Love You - Kill Paris

Through the Fire - Chaka Khan

Smooth Criminal - Michael Jackson

Thriller - Michael Jackson

That's the Way (I Like It) - Dead or Alive

You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) - Dead or Alive

It's Raining Men - The Weather Girls

Roses are Red - Aqua

Barbie Girl - Aqua

The Sailor Song - Toy-Box

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom - Vengaboys

Blue (Da Ba Dee) -Eiffel 65

Dr. Sunshine Is Dead - Will Wood

Jester

Happy Song - Liam Lynch

You are an Idiot - (that annoying virus)

IDGAF - Watsky

Dr. Sunshine Is Dead - Will Wood

You're Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile - Donald Craig

Hello Ma Baby - Al Jolson

I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire - The Ink Spots

Happy Pills - Weathers

The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?) - Ylvis

I JUST CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT BALLS - Renard

Cry Babies - Crystal Castles

New Soul (EDM Remix) - Yael Naim

Her (Strider White Remix)

Depraved

Vampire Culture - Will Wood

Dr. Sunshine Is Dead - Will Wood

The New Knife Game Song - Rusty Cage

Laplace's Angel (Hurt People? Hurt People!) - Will Wood

Emperor's New Clothes - Panic! At the Disco

Hide and Seek - Lizz Robinett

Come Little Children - Katethegreat19

My Demons - Starset

Monster - Skillet

Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace

I Hate Everything About You - Three Days Grace

Bodies - Drowning Pool

Crawling - Linkin Park

Numb

Dr. Sunshine Is Dead - Will Wood

Daddy Issues - The Neighborhood

Sweater Weather - The Neighborhood

Baka Mitai

Nice Boys - TEMPOREX

Die Anywhere Else - Night in the Woods

Two Time - Jack Stauber

Friend - FRND

Pain - Three Days Grace

Bring Me to Life - Evanescence

Going Under - Evanescence

Everybody's Fool - Evanescence

Haunted - Evanescence

TRUEFACE

Dr. Sunshine Is Dead - Will Wood

The Mind Electric - Miracle Music

Dinner Is Not Over - Jack Stauber

Baby Hotline - Jack Stauber

Choice - Jack Stauber

There's Something Happening - Jack Stauber

Better Than You - Camp Camp

Someday - OogaBooga

Frontier Psychiatrist - The Avalanches

Girls/Girls/Boys - Panic! At the Disco

GRRRLS - AViVA

Every Day - bo en

My Time - bo en

[keshakroker]

Ma good frnd a honest - horned guy

[t-riste]

Totoo talaga kasabihan hindi kaaway mo tratraydor at ibebbenta ka kundi malalapit sayo. I had this frnd para sakin kaibigan sya kasi lagi sya nakikinig sa rants ko sa problema puso at buhay ko sa mga naging jowa ko, sa mga payo nya sakin etc etc. Then one day nagka problema ako sa dati kong toxic na jinowa na putangina ka toxic yun yung tao buhay na naglalakad na toxic ganun haha. May issue kami sa pera well sya lang naman sa sobra pagod ko n sa kanya dun sa x ko nayun dina ako nag shashare kahit ano im fucking tired gusto ko nalang manahimik. Ika nga kahit tahimik ka kaibigan padin makakaintindi sayo all this years dko akalain gaganunin nya ako i feel so betrayed sabi nya sa isa kong jowa na halos kalahati na mg buhay ko kasama ko yun ganto sabi nya" nako si niknok nga gusto din nya perahan pero akala nya uubra"! Kaya ikaw!! Napatitig ako sa worda nya nabasa ko eh pinabasa sakin ng longtime x ko yung msg nya to confirm totoo ba. Para ako sinaksak sa dibdib biglang tulo ng luha ko kasi si cloud alam nya alam nya ako kwento ko ano kulang at meron ako hahaha. Mataas siguro tingin nya sa sarili nya na parang d sya galing sa walang kwenta relasyon. Buti nalang mas kilala ako nitong longtime x ko sabi nya gat d nang gagaling sayo d ako maniniwala sa kanila kasi kilala kita. Para ako nakakuha ng kakampi ulit. Na halos lahat ng kinaibigan ko pinagtiwalaan ko ginagago ako. Masakit lalo galing sa kanya si niknok tangina halos wala.naman naitulong sakin yun tas sasabihin nya peperahan ko gagu ba sya jowa ko dat time kanino paba ako hihingi sa ibang tao? Siguro nga mababa tingjn nya sakin kaya all this years na nakakapag usap kami akala ko kaibigan tingin sakin. Iniwasan ko nalang dko na kinausap tao ako nakipag kaibigan pero sa isang salita parang kilalang kilala na nya ako nakakatawa dun dun pa sya nag sabi sa lalakeng nakasama at minahal.kami ng totoo. Masakit man pero gusto ko na sila ibaon sa limot na parang walang nangyari.

[ashuk2004]

And the day i remembered of u…!!!

It was the day when everything seemed dark

Eyes were about to flow with the deepest thoughts of memory

The walls were plain like ma heart

world became so far from ma reach

night was so long for me but with the lark i woke up

time spent happy became the time spent bare

The way the clouds stunned and waves stopped

lonely was the only meaning left in ma lyf

no shoulders there to rest in ma sorrows

no paths there to bear in ma feet

soul was about to sleep at ur gaze

i was standing to solve the cruel maze

search was the word left behind happiness

sorrows were the only frnds accompanied me

kill was the thought remained for time

leave was the option i gave it to ma lyf

when dreams start to fade, drama start to end

i was left alone in the realms of ma chaos

and that’s the day i remembered of u…!!!

https://shadowofmemories.art.blog/2021/08/26/and-the-day-i-remembered-of-u/

[srikarkothagattu-blog]

sad story of a boy!! mugguru clg lo kothaga join avtharu okkarini okaru parichayam cheskuntarun boy no (1) :- nenu lkg nunchi oka ammayini ista padda thanu kuda 4th nunchi istapadindhi memu na first praposal may 17 evening 4o clock 2011 nenu first prapose chesa cheppalante koncham badhaga undhi try chestha thanu ventane accept cheyyaledhu thanaki istam ani thelisi kuda natho adukundhi naku thelsu ha matter thanu oka 1month tharvatha s cheppindhi thanu nenu eppudu oke chota unde vallam, endhukante thanu ma inty pakkane undedhi,10th ayyipoyaka thanu naku cheppakunda hostel ki vellipoyindhi appudu nenu entho edcha 😔😔valla parents kuda natho matladevaru kadhu. inter 1st year lo valla inti mundhu tent vesar, endhuko thelidhu andharu edusthunnaru edodho chesthunnaru unnatundi naku shivering vachesindhi thana gurinchenemo ani bayam! tharvatha ambulence vachindhi nenu ha roju em chesano kuda naku gurthu ledhu kani ma friend cheppadu thanu ledhani !! nenu thanamidhapadi baga edchanani ha roju nenu motham thanani vidchi pettaledhani ma frnds dhaggariki ponivvaledhu chepparu naku gurthundhi mathram okkate thana body ni cover chesi thisukocharu a tharvatha nenu entha edchano naku thelidhu thanaki edho problem undhanta chinnapati nunchi manaki istamaina vallu manatho undaru andhuke nenu evarini lv cheyyalenu ilanti story mari evvariki undakudadhu ani a dhevunni korukuntunna friends ××÷part (2)×÷÷×comming soon÷÷×× https://www.instagram.com/p/B_SwQYhl-Km/?igshid=d96zlbw119le

[kgalkin]

ma frnd @mishuu_mishuu like a cowboy #people #friends #spb #saintpetersburg #bnwphotography #blackandwhite #blackandwhitephotography (at Saint Petersburg, Russia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B7-kpwpIVKj/?igshid=6tonr5x1gq7u

[swiftietillmylastbreath1326-blog]

I just realised that in lover she is talkin about wat happned during the 2015 /2016 and how her relationship with joe kicked off. And rep is the after they got too close like the end of 2016 when she knew he was the one i-

Here is the things i decoded:

1. Like the album starts with i forgot u existed so she jus forgets all the drama and kanye etc

2. Then cruel summer is when she broke up with calcium hydroxide

3. Lover is when she got into relationship with joe and she was afraid of losin him like yhe line says *im highly suspicious that everyone sees u wants u*

4. The man is about her sexual case like wat if she was the women who did that to a man? So men easily get away with everything but as a women its impossible

5. The archer is like she got too close to him so she has anxiety issues. So she is askin him to make her hold on to him.

6. Then i think he knows is all about how she fell in love unknowingly after a lot of hookups but then she wishes that he knows that too

7. MA&THP is about the voting that made usa go nuts cuz they made a mostale by votin for him

8. Paper rings is like she was in a verge of marrying him so tho she loved shkny things as in costly ones she would marry him with rings made of paper. And she says *ur the one i want*

9. Cornelia street was their first fight and she left. Remember when she said that she was in verge of breaking up with joe cuz she was scared but she stayed with her atlast

10. Death by 1000 cuts is the last song ti be added cuz she told ellen she might add extra songs too. And this was inspired by the Netflix movie

11. London boy is where she actually laughs about and says that the rumours which the media put were right and London was her second home

12. Soon u will get better was when she found out that her mother has her cancer relasped

13. False god was about they tryin to breakup but she still loved him tho it was kinda false relationship

14. YNTCD is again political and callin out the haters

15. Afterglow was about when she knew it was on her for this relationship to fall apart and then she rectified it

16. ME! is a happy song about self love

17. Its nice to have a frnd is about reuniting with an older frnd so may she wrote about Katy idk

18. Daylight was the time she knew *yes he is the one for me and he made me happy and took me outta blue and painted me golden*

[childre]

I'm being told I'm a bad person 😢

by who?!!! (ง •̀ㅁ•́)ง✧ bun is da bestest person!!! 

always rmber dat some ppl r not goin to see u as u rlly are!! communication is always failing!! so bun, even if there r ppl telling u dis, always remember dat u know who u r and ur frnds know it too! pls dun get overstressed over ths, bc overstress can mke us do bad decisions even if we don want to! hold ma hand nd lets watch carebears together!! (⺣◡⺣)♡*

[thedriftedheart]

Neverland

Watching documentaries how North Korean defectors escape their country uses much of my free time these days. It just so unbelievable at times, which is really sensible too, to risk your life and escape rather than stay and starve to death, treated like your life is not yours and be controlled, much so, it seems like you're walking on thin ice all the time. Reminds me of my co-employee before, Jim Lee, a common name nwei so.. He's on his late 40s at that time I believed, he's a snob and minds only his own world, he's the opposite of his ethnic bros (SK) who works there too, they said he's an NK defector. Most of the workers laugh at him, partly they laugh about the fact that he came from a prison-like country, and at how he's minding his own world, as if he doesn't have anyone with him in that office. Ikr, bullying in diff form, and in that place filled with mature and educated persons, it's against the code of conduct as what our comp. stand, but they dismisses that fact. That's why when Jim approach me and in a nice way, they teases me. Then I told them, "maxado kasi kayong halata pag pinag-uusapan at pinagtatawanan sya, hindi man nya kayo maintindihan, your face says it all". Kasi sa totoo lang mabait naman sya, pag pinakitaan mo naman ng maganda ang isang matinong tao, it's very unlikely na sasagutin ka ng bad approach. And so one of SK employee told me the story about their NK bros., sa kanya ko unang narinig ang forced labor na ginagawa sa NK, yung magtrabaho ka maghapon hindi para sayo pero para sa namumuno ng bansa. While NK people doesn't even know the words; free and freedom, most of the people outside that country, don't even know how to properly use their freedom..

Aug 14, 2022 8:19 AM

-------------------------

I finally reached and talk again with my frnd Asya. Mejo matagal akong nawalan ng communication sa kanya. She went on IA on all her SocMed accts. and had to find other way to reach her, miss ko na rin kasi sya kausap. Good thing she responded as I pinged her this morning and it's good to know she's doing great. We chat and went down memory lane, miss na daw nya movie time namin habang sinasamahan ko sila sa shift nila, for which I terribly miss too, those good days.. Masayahing tao si Asya, but the way she confides her feelings before, mas maaliwalas na sya ngayon, evident ang improvement, mejo malayo na sya sa Asya na nakilala ko sa server ng fave ko and she's happier, sana magtuloy-tuloy na. Everyone deserves a happy life, and much more those who tough out hardships. Sayang that we weren't able to meet last Acer con, anniv. pala kasi yun ng papa nya, and we wish na sana sa susunod magkasama na kami sa f2f event ng faves namin. And hopefully we can catch up more time soon, as we promised, to unwind and just relax, for I need it as well..

Aug 10, 2022 6:41 PM 

______________________

Isang araw ang nasayang ko, and I hope I can do much, more than enough today.. I got up, prepared a cup of peppermint tea, sat down, close my eyes but then I felt like myself is slowly spinning, sa mga ganitong pagkakataon na nami-miss ko lalo si Nanay.. Nag livestream ang fave ko kagabii amd when I saw it I thought to myself, really, lagi kang nanjan everytime I feel so down, minsan nagkakataon na ang mga sinasabi mo, at mga sagot mo sa katanungan ng iba mong tagahanga umaakma sa kalagayan ko. Minsan din naiisip ko kung alam mo nga ba ang lahat, na para ba kasing nababasa mo pati laman ng puso at isip ko… Na-overwhelmed naman ako sa mga sinabi mo, your words of wisdom and how you view life, one of many reasons why I admire you. And when I joined in your server, I saw how you interact with your fans, the way you talk to them is like how you connect with your friends, you let them feel that they're not just your fans but friends. And when I heard those facts straight from you last night, I felt it, nakakakilig lang, to just even think that someone like you can be our friend too. That, at ang iba mo pang mga binahagi, sa mga maiikli pero malaman mong mga kwento. Yung nauubusan na ako ng tamang magagandang salita kung paano kita ilalarawan..

Nakakatuwa ang relationship mo, ng bros mo sa fandom, it's so nice na talagang gumagawa din kayo ng paraan para sakyan ang mga little act of love ng fandom, yung pagtampo nila at pagsuyo nyo, and it's so amusing that you and your bros have different ways to show how to "win them back". Kanya-kanyang lapag, diskarte, stream, posts. Mas lalo ko na-a-appreciate ang relationship ng idol-fandom na kinabilangan ko. We all have different ways to make our self happy and I'm glad that I let myself be in this, kahit na dati tinataasan ko lang ng kilay ang mga ganito, I never knew till I found it myself. And so there you are, ang saya ng vibe ng stream mo, sabi nga ganun daw talaga pag in-love, nagre-reflect yung saya sa mga ginagawa. Indeed, ang saya mo tingnan habang kumakanta. Ayoko na isipin ang kalagayan ng puso nyo, basta ba masaya ka, yun naman talaga ang mahalaga. Pag masaya ka, ngumingiti, tumatawa, masaya na rin ako, higit pa sa sapat na.

Pinanood ko ang stream nya, maganda pagka-kanta nya ng mga cover songs, and like what he said before that he's a perfectionist, so he's anxious on sharing publicly his cover songs. But talking about it, hindi pa sya seryoso sa lagay na yun ng pagkanta nya pero honestly, maganda mga versions nya, perfectionist lang siguro talaga sya, I'd rather let it be the reason or what he really feel, kesa sa pag-doubt nya pa rin sa sarili nyang kakayahan. The more you doubt yourself kasi, yun din ang magiging outcome. Pero sa dami ng kinanta nya yung Drag Me Down ang pinaka gusto ko, mas lumabas kasi ang flexibility ng vocals nya, ang galing, ang ganda ng version nya na yun, and he nailed it perfectly as his solo perf sa con nila before, cover was perfectly done with the added rap lyrics na ang ganda ng laman..

Afterwards, I tried to do something worthy while playing a movie on the side. On that movie, a scene where the lead actress who plays a doctor role, had to announce the time of death of her patient, and the hardest thing to do for her was because the patient was her father. Napatigil ako sa ginagawa ko, naramdaman ko na lang sumasabay na luha ko sa bawat patak rin ng luha ng babae sa pinapanood ko. Kitang-kita ko kasi sa artista ang sarili ko…. Ang dalawang ate ko, they know me as a strong person. I guess that's how they always view me..

Ate Naz rang me one day, said our tatay was in hospital and just waiting for me. Balikan ko pa lang ngayon sa alaala, naninikip na dibdib ko, and does writing what happened helps? I guess so, rather than crying over the same old things again and again to a friend…. Minsan kahit sobrang tagal na, when something triggers you, masakit pa rin, losing a parents is like having a wound that would never heal, no matter how many times you face the facts that they're gone, and how they left.. My biggest regret, bubog sa puso ko that always makes me cry until now, was when I missed my mom's call just because I'm so busy, not knowing it'd be her last phone call to me. Flashing everything back in my mind, all these pain.. Hindi ko nakausap Nanay ko sa huling tawag nya na pala, sa case ni Tatay sabi nila it's like he's just waiting for me. I immediately packed my things that day and went back to our hometown, habang kumakabog ang dibdib and tears keep running down my face. I then went straight to hospital instead to our home.

Is there a way to let this space absorbed the pain? how painful it was, then and now? I can't believe that the big, strong man was lying there, unconcious. I held his hand, the hand who used to always hold mine, and whispered to him, letting him know I'm beside him. Sabi ng ate ko, nakailang revive daw ang doctors sa kanya that day, and it seems he's still fighting for his life. Paglabas ko ng room nya dahil bawal magtagal ang bantay sa loob, the doctors came in rushing back to his ward. After a few minutes the doctor came out, and asked all of the immediate family in a room. There she explained that if the attack happens again, it'd be the last attempt for them to save my father, said the only reason he's still breathing is the machine, we need to decide to turn off the machine that supports his life. Yung ganitong desisyon, ipinasa sa'kin ng mga ate ko. Hindi daw nila kayang tingnan kapag inalis na ang support sa tatay ko. How about me, hindi ba ako nasasaktan sa paningin nila, hindi nila naisip how it'd be painful to me? Just because they think m strong kaya ko na lahat. Pero kailangan ko sumunod, I went back in a room. As I sat beside my father, nung hinaplos ko noo nya, then I whispered and asked him what should I do, I used to always ask him for an advice whenever I'm in a difficult situation. So it happened on the same day, it was the most difficult, decision I've ever did. And the situation forced me to watch the whole thing, while the doctors tried to revive him, pump his heart for so many times and looked at me after many attempts, if I'd finally say "yes". The most heartbreaking nod that I've done, but they still need to hear me say yes. And when they detached the machine, heard that long beep, and the doctors announcement of his last time on earth… If only crying all those & these tears, can ease all the pain my parents went through before they left, if only…

Aug 2, 2022 5:27 AM 

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I saw someone this morning who reminded me of a frnd I met in my fave's server, guess it's a sign so I check on her and as I opened stuck messages in my inbox, much of those came from her and a new one too just today. My heart is so touched by a friend, ate Jai is just so sweet. She continuously checks on me pala, same with Pau who also suddenly went online, as if we all took a break from everything in unison, all at the same time, ang cute. Umalis si Pau sa server with respect sa mga nagbabayad as she said. Nakaka-soft yung msg ni ate Jai na she knows m busy living the life and that tho she knows m taking a break from SocMed, she still sends me messages to check on me mabasa ko man o hindi. I forgot that I found friends like her in that world, who treasure the friendship I give as much as I do. M just in a mess with prioritizing things recently, trying to work on that and be back as how I used to manage things as before, m still a work in progress, pondering on what I want to concentrate on next. I don't want to make promises m not sure I can fulfill but I'll make time to check on her too whenever I can. She also gave me an update about the situation she shared to me, all seems going pretty well.

I also took a peek an update on my fave, he's doing well with his fans, and he's receiving a lot of beautiful words of appreciation just as he deserve. He spends time with the fans these days kahit na busy sya, sweet acts, just as how I knew him, isa sa mga nagustuhan ko sa kanya, he even shared his time and watch movie with them last night, napaka sweet and considerate nya talaga. My fave, sometimes I feel like he's mad at me, pakiramdam ko pagbasa ko ng message nya sa dc kanina parang inaaway nya ako, oo ang weird ko, lalo na mga jokes yung nilapag nya kaya oo weird ako at nakakainis, kahit ako natatawa sa sarili ko kasi hindi naman nya ako kilala para may ikagalit sya sa'kin, walang dahilan, ni hindi ko nga sigurado if he knows how I exist as his fan. I felt this before and I even dm him about what I felt that time grabe, pag naaalala ko now nahihiya pa rin ako, nakakahiya naman talaga paano kung wala naman talaga pero since that's what I felt and it made me uncomfy na baka may nagamit akong off words sa mga iniwan kong message sa kanya before kaya nag dm ako, nakakahiya. Altho wala akong nakuhang sagot sa kanya, pero nung naglivestream sya and said "peace" before he end his stream, I felt like it also extends to me, and somehow it comforts me too, as I heard it. Ang weird ng connection ko sa kanya, and one might laugh and brush this off like it's nothing, and it's understandable. And now wala naman akong similar situation na maalala as it's been awhile since I visit them there, sumilip na nga lang ako yun pa naramdaman ko, ganun na ba ako ka-awkward, this kind of feeling what makes me stay away from SocMed, the drama, ewan ko na rin sa'kin. Kung meron man ako binigay na message sa kanya, it's just a congratulatory message and I posted it on his FB Supporter's page, I even read it now just to justify what I feel wala naman akong makita na seems upsetting so I guess it's just me this time. Tho sometimes I feel like he's talking to me, I don't want to sound conceited at hindi rin ako yung madaling mag-assume but it's just how I feel sometimes, but whatever energy I felt kanina, I hope it's not something that makes him upset. My fave, altho madali syang magalit at masaktan, given sa mga napagdaanan nya yun sa buhay, kaya masyado syang nagiging protective sa nararamdaman nya, if that's the case, malalim ang dinulot sa kanya ng mga nangyari sa kanya, and that's why my heart bleeds for him. Pero kung meron man ngang nag-papangamba sa kanya sana maresolve agad, and I hope his heart be healed, and may it be filled with only happiness and love. Nagiging sensitive ako pagdating sa kanya, kaya siguro kung anu-ano rin nararamdaman ko kahit wala naman, ang gulo ko, my emotions are in a mess whenever I'm here, ewan ko ba. There's a lot of good things that he received recently, and for sure simula pa lang yan, there are more so much great things to happen pa, with his talents, skills and him being smart, malayo pa mararating nya and I wish for more blessings to overflow as he deserve..

Life, is beautiful and complicated, just like the song here, sometimes you'll wish you're just a child, careferee and no drama. While everyone is wishing at times to be a kid again, I wonder if it's the same thing with my fave, my fave, why do my heart always aches for you, ang oa ko pagdating sayo, sana mas marami pang magagandang bagay ang dumating sayo, mas maging mabuting tao ka pa, at mas marami pang tao ang ma-inspire mo. May you also be the person and artist your young self dreamt off and be proud of..

July 11, 2022 6:12 PM 

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[dioriviera]

Rudst person ever wya rb3ch sh59ya thanya ana t7gren my dm's

rudest* LOL srt rude bcz ma rdet ? plus shlun tqarnen nfsich eb my frnds mino entay 😂😂😂