#butwhyisthisthelifestories

[butwhyisthisthelife]

fading, faded

I was born normal. Everyone is. Fully opaque, all that. Mum said it started when I was about ten but I'm not sure that’s true. Only little by little, I lost myself. You see, when you’re sad you go more and more invisible until one day, you’re gone, not there at all. I don’t quite remember when I started fading but I just remember being able to see more and more light through my hand; it was a gradual change, but change, nonetheless.

 I was sad, I knew that. My mum noticed it too. She tried to check in with me and keep me happy; sure, that helped a little but sometimes those things aren’t enough. I'm 16 on Friday and I already look as clear as my grandma. Lately, I've only barely been holding to the slivers of happiness that I feel. I'm grateful though; I have a twin sister, Izzy who’s been my closest friend since we were born. We bickered when we were young, but we’ve since grown out of it. She always makes me feels better, as cheesy as it sounds. Only I know that Izzy is struggling too lately - she tries so hard to keep everyone else happy that she doesn’t have time for herself. Thankfully, she’s much opaquer than I am. I wouldn’t wish what I have on her. Never.

 I can tell my friends are actively trying to ignore my fading, no matter how much they say they aren’t. By now, you can pretty easily see through me; I'm kind of like a piece of thin, frosted glass. I look at all my classmates and see that I stand out. They all look pretty good, except for the occasional person who is like me, but they are few and far between.

 You see, I don’t really feel sad anymore; I haven’t for a couple months now. I just feel numb. I go through my day and go home then repeat. It’s like I am watching my life as a movie - an extra in my own story. The only time I really feel alive in the world is when I am with Izzy - I would die for her. She has been the only one that’s been able to slow my fading; my parents’ intentions are good, but they don’t understand, no matter how much they want to. Izzy and I are close. My friends are her friends and her friends are mine. This is good because I don’t have many friends.

 It’s Friday. We turn 16. Like always, I go to school, do what I need to then go home. Izzy’s friends are throwing her a birthday party later - well, technically it’s for both of us but I don’t want to go. This is how I am most days now.

 After the party, Izzy lets me know she’s on her way back home - except she doesn’t make it back home. All it took was one drunk car accident and she’s dead. When I heard the news, that was the first and last time I felt something so deeply for a long time. I can’t help but think I could’ve stopped this. If I’d just gone with her, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

 I’m sitting on the living room couch and my body is frozen; I'm not even shaking. Nothing seems real anymore. The walls seem to close in and move farther away at the same time, all sounds seem muffled, I feel like there’s something sitting on my chest. I don’t cry though. I don’t think I can anymore in fact.

 Remember how I said sadness makes you fade? Eventually, when you are completely invisible, you die. The last of my opacity gone, taken along with the death of my sister. Nothing could have made me go clear except her; the only thing keeping me from slipping away. I’ll see you soon Izzy.                

 I'm dead. We’re dead. I would say I'm a ghost but I'm not sure what I am in this weird afterlife. I managed to find Izzy after the accident. I searched for hours in every narrow street, abandoned building, open park, until I found her and made sure she was safe and well. Afterward, we attended our own funeral and kept watch over our parents. They’re distraught and I wish that I could let them know that were both okay, but I can’t, no matter how much I want to. The funeral was quiet. Our coffins were at the end of the softly lit room. We couldn’t bear to listen to our parents’ eulogy, so we left until we heard them stop. We sat on the well-kept grass outside, in each other’s arms, the lowering sun casting shadows of the building over us. When the stuttered string of words stopped, I led Izzy back inside. From then on, we haven’t left our family. We’re there whenever our parents do something or go somewhere. We’re here, and always will be, even if they don’t know it. I guess this is my way of making up for what I did.

 I'm still not sure if this is real or some strange hallucination but as long as I am with Izzy, together, that’s where I want to be.

~ fin ~

hi ! i know that there’s next to no chance anyone else will see this but i just want a place to share some stuff. here is a piece that i like that i wrote and thanks for reading if you did!