#butimnot40

[ashdavidson2008-blog]

But I’m not 40 yet!

I think I said that more than 16 times in the past week… mostly to myself, while lamenting what was happening.

So what was happening… well, it is October and since I’m a Facebook/Instagram junkie I am bombarded with “Pink-tober” 💓

I think breast cancer awareness month is amazing for so many reasons. I have amazing friends that have dealt with the dreaded c-word and kicked it’s ass! I have some that are currently fighting it- and my heart breaks for every one of them.

I love seeing athletes wear pink cleats and pink gloves and talk about how their moms, sisters, and aunts are survivors. I love seeing people join together as a community to walk and raise money to fight against something that is curable and NOT a death sentence. I love seeing proud, strong women with “I’m a survivor” t-shirts and bracelets. I like seeing as my friends update their Facebook profile pictures to a pink ribbon frame.

There are a lot of ways we are reminded that breast cancer (and really any cancer) is out there and affecting our friends and family everyday.  Which makes me want to remind people that October is not the only month that breast cancer impacts.

Interestingly enough, October was the month that I had to be reminded that I am not invincible, the month I keep saying “but I’m not 40 yet”, and the month I found a lump in my breast.

I was getting ready to take my bath one evening, sitting in the bathroom waiting for my (way too hot for any normal human being) bath to finish running and was (big surprise) scrolling through Facebook.  A friend from high school posted on October 11th “I have an aggressive form of breast cancer.”- she is not 40 yet either!  She reminded her friends to do their self exams.

Now I am a nurse… and I know how important they are… but I am not a consistent examiner.  But she encouraged me to check. 

And there it was… something different… something that was not supposed to be there… a lump.  Even the word gets stuck in my throat.  I kept checking in different positions, was it a lump or just a weird fibrous thing or something else?

I wasn’t sure…

So I had a choice to make: 1) ignore it (I mean I would not have even known about it if I hadn’t checked) 2) get really upset and scared and ultimately fall apart 3) make an appointment and just figure this thing out.

Seriously my friends- if you find one, make the appointment right then and there!  We have apps on our phones that allow us to scan a finger and make a doctor’s appointment.

That’s what I did… figured I was going to have to face it sooner or later and I just don’t have time for later!  So while my water was still out of any appropriate temperature range, I made my appointment with my PCP (I was secretly hoping they would just tell me I was crazy- strange, I’ve had this feeling a lot in the past year- and even though some of my friends may disagree, no reputable professional has told me I am crazy… yet…).

My appointment was the next week, October 17th.  Went in to (hopefully) them not be able to find this darn lump… damn thing was still there.  Bastard….

So appointment made for a diagnostic mammogram and an ultrasound (if needed).  Insert “But I’m not 40 yet” utterance #8.

So on this past Monday I went to the “Women’s Center” at my doctor’s office.  For anyone wondering, “Women’s Center” is code for really dimly lit waiting rooms, to hopefully calm very anxious people, with terrible music being played about two notches too loudly (not sure how that fits in with the whole “calming” goal).

Luckily I was not there for long and a “not even 30” year old called my name and led me to a little room with multiple changing rooms with curtains.  I was told to “disrobe from the waist up and put the gown on, opening to the front”- gotcha… Ladies- wear leggings or some other comfy bottoms!

Then the kindest radiology tech ever, Ms. Kay, came to get me.

She brought me to another fairly small room with a large machine, resembling an industrial steam/clothes press, that was the center of attention.  Oh my- this was happening….

And just in case you were wondering- this room was also very dimly lit with “warm” lighting.  Which really does make you feel more comfortable.  Although they could have increased the temperature just a tiny bit (I’m still not one-hundred percent convinced they don’t keep it cold in there for some “medical” reason- you know what I mean).

Thanks to Ms. Kay, she gave me pretty simple directions, positioned my arms, told me when to breathe, and made general small talk to keep my mind off things.  Man that woman could multi-task.

Since there was a lump, I had to do the more detailed mammogram (diagnostic) versus just the screening one.  Basically just a few extra angles and pictures of areas of concern.

While this was definitely not my most favorite way to “get felt up” it was definitely not as bad as I had made it in my head.  There is not pain (at least not for me- every woman is different), just discomfort.  Honestly- the hardest part was trying to stop breathing when she told me to and also not being freaked out that you are pretty much attached to this machine and completely at its mercy for a few moments at a time.

But before I knew it, my time with (newly named by me) TataSmasher 3000 was over.  I was hoping to get out of the ultrasound, but Ms. Kay sadly did not tell me I was crazy and that it did not matter that I was not 40 yet.

So downstairs I went to the ultrasound tech.  If you’ve ever had an ultrasound you probably realize that the most “painful” part is the temperature of that gel (brrrr).  But that was over within minutes.

Once done I was able to get dressed again (fyi, I almost tripped over the gown because they were so long… or I’m so short… six of one/half dozen of the other).

And off I went back to work and to life and to trying to remember how old I will be come this December (all I know is it is not quite yet 40).  Oh and back to waiting…

In the time between leaving my appointment and getting my results, I had a lot of time to think about things… but honestly, I just didn’t… I couldn’t… I wouldn’t waste any more energy on worrying until I knew I had something to worry about.  Thankfully I have a job and a family that keep my mind busy.

Then I got the call… I saw the caller ID and paused… held my breath (thanks for the teaching Ms. Kay)… then remembered I had to slide to answer.

“Ms. Davidson, I have your results… there is no mammographic or sonographic evidence of malignancy.”

Yep- I’m in the 80%!  Yes ladies- 80% of lumps are benign- but you won’t know unless you get checked.

So I think I finally took a full breath today- first one since 10/11/17… and exhaled the worry and fear.  It felt great!  I cannot thank my friends and family enough for the support and encouragement given to me during this short time- never once did I think “oh my gosh, I’m in this alone”- I love you all!

I could have easily been in the unlucky 20% group and been standing with my friends that are.  Ladies- I love you all, but am happy I am not joining that club.  But what I will do is continue to walk, continue to update my Facebook profile picture, continue to tell my friends to check then get checked, and anything else I can do to make sure that women are finding these things early, so we can decrease the percentage of those 20-percenters that don’t make it to ZERO!

If you have any questions, let me know- I am by far no expert, but I am lucky enough to know some amazing survivors that want to help anyone.