#but—oh would you look at that. by complete and total coincidence every single trait you just ascribed to this character

[labyrynth]

i genuinely don’t understand people who obsess over novels and novel characters. but decry the author as evil incarnate. like if you hate the author so much why are you still here. nobody is forcing you to read them. why would you support the work of an author you despise and think is bigoted seven ways to sundown. why don’t you have some bread and maybe you’ll calm down.

[nite-shay]

His Hero Part 4 (Kirishima Eijirou x Reader)

A/N: I don’t know if I’m completely happy about this chapter. I’m trying to get better with witting panic/anxiety/non-humor, so hopefully, next time, it’ll be a little better. Also, sorry for the long time off and just sporadic posting. Works been hell, but now that we’ll hopefully *grain of salt* were getting more people hired, I’ll have more motivation and time to write 

Warnings: Panic/anxiety , references to sex and/or sexual acts (nothing descriptive but suggestive) so I guess 18+? IDK how this works :/ If yer too young, offended by sex , sexual acts, sexual reference or don’t know where babies come from, please don’t read.

Word count: 3K 

Other then that, please enjoy! :D  

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4

*****

Kirishima didn’t protest when Fat sent him home for the day. 

‘Go home. Clear your head. Call me if you need anything.’ 

Honestly, he barely heard his mentor’s words. He just sat there staring at the screen. Watching, pausing, rewinding, and watching again. Over and over again. It wasn’t until Fat picked him up and carried him to the door, did he finally get the memo.

Yeah... he didn’t need to be here right now...

The trip home was nothing but a blur, and honestly, he remembered nothing about it. His body was on autopilot as his mind tried to wrap the possibility that he might have a kid. 

A kid… A son… Your son… His son? But… How? Err… Wait! 

Ok, he knows the ‘how’ of how kids are made. 

Better phrasing, how could this have happened!? He was always careful with anyone he was with! Err, not that was a really long list or anything. Typically, he was only intimate with someone he’s known for a while, and when he was, he’d use a condom, or they were on the pill. 

Oh fuck. How could he have let this happen!?!?

Calm down. Calm down. 

Maybe he was just overthinking everything? It could just be a coincidence. Sure, he and the kid have some similarity, but hey, there’s like, billions of people on the planet! So some are bound to look alike! That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re related, right? Total chance! That’s it! It’s that stuff we learned in school. Static? No, that’s not right; that was in science. The other thing was in math...Statistics! Yeah, that’s it!

So what if the kid has red eyes? His best bud Katsuki does too! 

The sharp teeth? Look no further than his gym bro Tetsu! Hell, depending on the quirk, it can be a super common trait!

The quirk being exactly like his... well, ok, that was… odd. And yeah, he hasn’t run into any with his quirk specifically, but, big but, it doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there with his quirk! 

Or maybe it’s not his quirk! Maybe its a similar one! Really, really, reeeealllly similar.

Total coincidence! Anyone can have those traits!

He just… happens to have all of them… just like the kid… whose mother he just happened to have slept with… around six years ago… 

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!

The room suddenly felt like it was closing in on him. The air got thinner, making it harder for him to breathe. He jumped off the couch and started pacing. He’s had issues with anxiety for years, and one thing he did learn, when he got like this, he needed to move.

Breath and walk. Breath and walk. Breath and….wait! The kid can’t be more than five! He slept with you six years ago! Ha! The time doesn’t match up! So he can’t be his kid!

His legs felt like jello as the waves of panic finally came to a halt, and took a deep, much-needed deep breath.

He wasn’t a father.

This was a good thing. A great thing!

He doesn’t have a kid. The time frame didn’t add up. He was in the clear.

He should feel happy. Relief. Ecstatic!

So why did he feel like he just got punched in the gut? 

He sighed as he made his way to his fridge in search of something to calm his nerves. Beer isn’t his typical drink of choice, but he was glad he kept a few on hand in moments like this. Since he was single and didn’t have a roommate, his place was the place of choice for ‘bro’s night.’ 

Though sometimes, there was nothing like a cold one to just chill after a long hard day.

He grabbed one of the glass bottles by the neck, activated his quirk, and flicked the lid off with his thumb. Cool little party trick he learned a few years back. 

As he tilted the drink back, he took a long hard swallow and let his mind wander. The beer of choice today was one Katsuki preferred. It was good, smooth going down, and less alcohol content. Which was fine. Ochaco, even after giving birth, still couldn’t stand the smell of alcohol. Pregnancy wasn’t a subject Kirishima knew a lot about, but he knew enough to respect it. 

He’d seen her hauling ass many adays to the toilet of the slightest whiff of something she didn’t like.

Then the cravings came along, which prompted a few late-night trips to the store by Katsuki or himself if his bro was at work. 

He chuckled as he thought about the few times Katsuki had said something to piss her off and sent him over to the redhead’s place for the night. Only to call him back a little while later in tears because of mood swings. 

Towards the end was rough, though. She’d been put on bed rest and was in a lot of pain. Katsuki took fewer shifts during that time to stay home and help ease her in any way he could. 

Damn, she went through all that for, what almost a year? Maybe not quite a year, but it had to be close. 

Was it nine or maybe ten months?

His brain came to a screeching halt, mid-swallow as he started calculating.

Beer spewed out of his mouth and nose as he tried to breathe and swallow at the same time. 

The nine months adds almost a year! *Cough* Meaning the kid’s age would make sense! *Cough Cough*

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! It can’t be true, can it? He… He’d used protection… hadn’t he?

His mind raced as he thought back to that night six years ago.

It was Izuku’s birthday and his girlfriend, future wife Melissa, rented out a small private Terence at a hotel to celebrate. It was small, maybe fifteen people max: just some friends, family, and a few colleges of the green-haired hero.

He was having a few drinks while chatting with Denki and Hanta when he first saw you. That was when he first saw you… You were chatting with your Melissa and Izuku, and damn… he couldn’t stop staring at you. You were so beautiful, and the way you tried to hide your angelic smile every time you laughed made his heart skip a beat. 

Eventually, his two friends figured out just what or who had caught his attention. Which brought on a relentless amount of teasing. It took about twenty minutes, a few beers, and an angry blonde for him to finally make his way over to you.

Katsuki, at some point, approached his childhood friend, then proceeded to yell at him for some reason or another. Even on his birthday, the guy couldn’t catch a break. Now that he thought about it, it was over something All Might related. Something about a suit and which version was from what era? You were looking rather uncomfortable (Melissa was used to this) at the aggressive (mainly Katsuki) debate. That’s where he came in. With the help of Ochaco and Melissa, he finally got the two distracted enough to send them to opposite corners of the party. 

And then, he was left all alone with you.

He was so nervous that he even stumbled through his own name. Luckily, he played off his nervousness by making light of his two friends. To his surprise, you took his jokes in stride and even had a few comebacks of your own. 

The two of you must have talked for over an hour! Just one conversation after another. He’d never met anyone like you before. You were just so loving, kind, and just… wow!

Then things start to get a little fuzzy.

He remembered talking, drinking, joking, more talking, and more drinking. 

A weird memory of a drunk Denki yelling, “I swear to drunk I’m not God!” before face planting into the punch bowl. 

Then while everyone’s attention was on Denki, the two of you snuck away and back to his room. 

A makeout session on the elevator leads to the two of you missing his floor and shocking an elderly housekeeping lady. That was embarrassing but didn’t seem to stop the two of you.

Then things get really, really blurry, but somehow the two of you made it back to his room without any other incidents. 

While the rest of his memories were bits and pieces, but he… did remember the most of the ‘activates,’ and it’d been consensual, and yeah… he’d definitely used protection! That much he remembered!

The next thing he knew, it was the next morning, where he woke up alone, with a hangover, and felt better than he had in awhile. 

Too bad that feeling didn’t get to last. His phone rang not long after he woke up. It’d been work, a villain was causing trouble, and they needed him asap. 

He showered, dressed, grabbed his stuff, and left. 

Then… he’d gotten hurt… bad…

Ended up in the hospital for nearly a week. 

After he got out, he, well, had an interesting voicemail and charge on his credit card.

He blushed hard as he remembered the hotel’s message regarding the ‘damages’ done to the room. In particular, the ones done to the sheets and headboard. They even sent him pictures!

Damn, he couldn’t believe he lost control of his quirk like that. He hadn’t done that since… well, since his ‘first time.’ That was so embarrassing. Thankfully, he didn’t think he’d hurt you in the process. Of all the pictures and list of damages, blood-stained sheets weren’t listed. Maybe that’s why he never worked up the courage to reach out to you. Even if he didn’t hurt you, he might have scared you...

Wait….

He lost control of his quirk.

Oh… OH SHIT! Realization dawned on him.

Even if he had put a condom on, his quirk might have damaged it!

Then that means… there is a chance he's the father of your son!

FFFFFUCCCCKK!!!!

But wait.

If he really was your son… why haven’t you contacted him?

His footsteps slowed until he came to a standstill.

You would have told him if he was, wouldn’t you?

Granted, the two of you never exchanged numbers, and we’ll it’s not like he did much to reach out to you either, but… You would have known he’s friends with Izuku, so you knew a way to contact him. 

Two-way street, buddy. He internally lashed himself.

Between racking his brain and scolding himself, he didn’t hear the knock on his door until the visitor started pounding. 

“Oi! Shifty hair! Answer the damn door!” A loud, brash voice that could only belong to one person yelled through the abused door.

Katsuki? Why was he here?

Kirishima hurried over to the door before the blonde got too impatient and blew it down… again. He took a deep breath and put on his brightest and cheerful grin before opening the door to greet his grumpy best friend. 

“Oh hey, Bakubro, what’s up?” 

“Don’t bro me! Why the hell am I getting called from your boss to check up on you?” He growled.

“Fat called you?” That was a surprise. 

“Yeah, he did. Had to switch my patrol around and everything.” He brushed past the redhead, letting himself in. Kirishima sighed as he shut the door behind them. 

“I’m really sorry about that. Not sure wh-”

“Don’t start that bullshit with me.” Those fierce red eyes locked on to him. “And drop that fake ass smile. Always hated when you did that shit.” He mutters.

Damn, Fat just had to go and call him of all people. 

If it’d been anyone else, anyone at all, he could play this off. A bright grin, crack a joke or two, maybe a few reassuring words, and he could send them on their way. 

But not him.  No, not Katsuki. Most people wouldn’t in a million years think the aggressive blonde could show anything other than anger. And yeah, the guy was rough around the edges, and he wasn’t the best with words. But nonetheless, here he was. 

And sometimes, that’s all that mattered.

Fuck. 

“So why am I here?” Katsuki wasn’t backing down, so Kirishima took a deep breath.

“What did Fat tell you?” While his smile didn’t waver, he felt his stomach belly flop to the floor. 

“Bastard would spill it, just said you’d need me right and to get over here. Now what the fuck is going on?” While he still sounded angry, there was an underline concern in his tone that most people tend to miss. 

Who would have known that would be the thing to make him crack? Well, obviously, Fatgum knew, hence why he sent the blonde over. The great explosive hero was one of the few people that could blow a hole right through his hardened armor. 

Both figuratively and literally.

With tears in his eyes, he dropped his bright grin and let the damn of emotion bust. He explained everything that had happened. The robbery, the hospital, you, your son, the night he first met you, the security footage, everything! Hell, he was sure he went into a little too much detail when he described you and that night.

The blonde just stood there shell shocked as he tried to absorb the word vomit hurled at him. 

“S-so, yeah… I might… have a…” he couldn’t finish. He just let the silence hang between them. 

“You… dumbass.” He sighed quietly, running his hand through his hair before looking him right in the eyes. While his best friend was known far and wide to have a temper, when shit got real, it was eerie how calm and focused he was. “Are you sure he’s your?”

“I-I don’t know. I mean-”

“Have you talked to the mother?”

“N-No!” 

“Have you talked to anyone about this?” He pressed. “Does anyone else think you’re the father?”

“No! Well, Fat might, but that’s cause he was with me when I put the piece together. But I haven’t told or asked anyone else about this. Honestly, other than the mother, I don’t even know who else to go-” The redhead piped up. Something flashed in his friend’s eyes, and for a moment, he looked like he was ready to commit murder. Fuck was he made? He hadn’t come to him about this yet!? Of course, he was! He was finding this out because his boss called him, not because he had called him! Some friend he is... “I was totally going to call you about this! I swear! You’re my best friend. This just happened so suddenly!”

“I know you would, Ei. Chill.” The blonde’s features soften for a second, soothing the redhead some. But he could tell Katsuki was trying to keep his temper in check. “I’m not mad at you but, I’ll ask again. Does anyone else know about this?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. I only found out about this today, and I haven’t had any contact with (Y/N) since the other day and well at Izuku’s birthday party.”

“Ok. Stay here for a bit. You need to calm down. We need more information first. If he isn’t your kid, you’re losing your shit for nothing. And if he is... well,” He paused, “Cross that bridge when you come to it.” He pushed the hero towards the couch and made him sit down. “I need to make a phone call.” 

Kirishima blinked as his best friend made his way towards his front door. “NOW SIT THERE. SHUT UP AND CALM DOWN!”

*SLAM*

This was a new level of anger for the blonde. He couldn’t stand seeing the redhead like this. He felt even worse, leaving him alone like this. The damn guy lived off socialization with others, so for him to be facing this alone. 

Yeah... it really pissed him off.

The blonde stomped his way back to his apartment, which was just a few doors down. He did need to make a phone call; he hadn’t been lying. But it was a call, that big, dense red rock didn’t need to hear. 

Fuck. He couldn’t believe this. Did shitty hair really have a kid? 

Katsuki made his way inside his home. The home he shared with not only his wife but his newborn daughter. 

Fuck. He has a kid… and he never even knew. 

As he made his way through the foyer and into the living room, something caught his eye. Something black, orange, green, and tiny laid on top of a basket of unfolded laundry. It was the custom design onesie Momo had gotten for their daughter as a baby shower gift. The custom design was made to look like his hero costume. While he scoffed at the thing initially, he made sure that she wore home from the hospital. 

Well, tried. About halfway through the hospital parking lot, she decided now was the best time to need a diaper and outfit change. 

Little brat. He smirked.

If you’d ask him a few years ago what he thought of kids, he would have brushed it off, not really caring about it. His hero career was his focus. He needed no had to be number one. 

But now that he has a little one of his own, he realized there was more to life than being number one. Was he still going to do it? You bet your ass, but now that he has his wife and his child that climb to the top well, he couldn’t dream of making it there without them. 

He couldn’t imagine a world without her. Let alone a world where he didn’t realize she existed.

He whipped out his phone and thumbed through his contacts.

Especially if someone knew about them. 

He took a deep breath and hit send.  

Someone close to not only the kid but himself. 

And still not tell him.

He knows. There’s no way in hell that precipitative little shit doesn’t know!

One ring. Two rings. Three rings.

“K-Kacchan. This is a surprise. You never call. Is everything-” Katsuki cut him off. 

“We need to talk. Now.” 

****

Links: Part 1,  Part 2 ,  Part 3, Part 4

Thanks for the read! If you want see the other stuff I’ve done, click the link bellow!

MasterList

Tags: @hot-pocket01 ,  @simpforeveryone , @remember-happy-things 

[dragonswithjetpacks]

I’m going to say this one time about Cullen and that’s it. And my opinion will be out there and done. This is not a negative post. But this is a long post so buckle up babes.

*warning for use of language because I swear like a sailor*

*also brief mention of rape*

Anyway, Cullen is a perfect example of poor planning in the gaming industry.

He is also a perfect example of fans thirsting so hard and wanting something so bad that the writers and developers change a character and even game elements to suite their needs. They didn’t even give him a book or a comic for redemption. You know what they did instead? They switched writers. Cullen has three writers. All of them with a different character in mind.

Cullen was a fucked up mess in Origins. He was meant to be creepy and sociopathic. I get that. The writer who basically created him had no idea he was even going to be not only a reoccurring character, but one that was going to be romance able in future games. She even apologized. Which wasn’t necessary. And so many people who played the game missed a big point about Cullen. He was never supposed to recover from Origins.

“The young templar Cullen never quite recovered from his ordeal. After months of attempting to convince his superiors that the tower was still a danger, he finally snapped and killed three apprentices before being stopped by his fellow templars. Eventually, Cullen escaped from prison, a madman and a threat to any mage he encountered.”

“Once the tower was rebuilt, Knight-Commander Greagoir stepped down from his post and retired to a life of private contemplation as a brother in the Chantry. His health failed over time, and after refusing treatment, he perished in his sleep. Knight-Commander Cullen was said to be more strict and less trusting of the mages even than Greagoir was. He ruled the Circle with fear.”

I’m sorry. But yeah. That’s the epilogue on two different choices involving the Circle’s fate in Origins. And it was ignored. I agree with that, too. But it wasn’t just Cullen that was ignored. It was the entire Circle at Kinloch Hold. If the mage warden sacrifices their own life, the Circle is supposedly free. Which... is not mentioned... ever again. And not to mention is impossible? Like okay thanks Anora or whoever but I don’t think you can just do that.

Poor writing.

I’d also like to mention for the record I did not like Cullen in Origins. I still don’t.

Now, I don’t know why exactly Cullen was brought back in DA2? I know his writer got bullied out of Bioware. I do not have an opinion on that. I mean the woman co-wrote my favorite part of Origins (Anvil of the Void). She also wrote Anders. Which I don’t think is a coincidence. People, men and women, often have this idea of fixing a broken person. It’s heavily romanticized. It’s called codependency. And you see it a lot in romance novels. But that’s another topic. It seems this writer implemented that in the game (along with some of her own personal things she had) without fully knowing Cullen would even be a romantic interest in Inquisition, but also still wanting to give him some sort reason to be desired. And all the while knowing Anders was fully romanceable. Even... a little forcefully... romanceable... if I may add... (I am uncomfortable) I also dislike some of Anders’ writing but that’s another post and I don’t want to compare the two. But Anders was the opposite side of Cullen that was done better because they had time to write it.

Regardless, Cullen seemed to hold some resemblance to his former character. But we do see a lot hesitance with him. He’s basically that “good” cop that doesn’t do anything when the bad cop is beating the shit out of everyone. Still not good, hence the quotes. Not a good guy. He has his meh he’s alright moments. And seems to generally disregard Hawke in every single way. But he’s still an ass hole for letting things happen the way that they did when he could very much so have put a stop to it. Maybe it was the writers’ intention to make it that way to show he was still suffering from trauma in Origins.

Again. Poor writing. BECAUSE WE DON’T KNOW. DIDN’T HE KILL THREE PEOPLE, BIOWARE? ISN’T HE SUPPOSED TO BE KNIGHT COMMANDER IN FERELDEN, B I O W A R E??? WHAT. HAPPENED. BIOWARE.

So here’s the next thing. They decided to slip him into Inquisition for whatever reason. His writing was fair enough in DA2. Could have been better. But these people are still thirsty. They want some Curly. At the last minute, they throw romance on him. Not a bad idea. But are we supposed to forget the man was basically raped by desire demons? Is he even ok to have a relationship? OH WAIT THAT’S RIGHT. We didn’t closure on that because they ignored it.

Anyway, Cullen in Inquisition seems to be different. But because they couldn’t just, oh I don’t know, write a different character with the same traits but better, they had to somehow put the events of the previous games and how it affected him into this new current game where he supposed to be... better? Ish? Which is where we get the stereo type soldier with PTSD and a substance abuse problem. Now, if you’re any good with imagining and writing fanfic, then you probably know or already have figured out a way to connect everything better than Bioware could. But hey. Last minute romance written in on a character who was already all over the charts? Count me in. I like a good writing challenge. Poor girl who took the job of writing Inquisition Cullen likes a challenge too, apparently. Because it was her first big project. And she didn’t do a bad job. But imagine working hard on trying to write a character half the fandom hates into someone somewhat likeable just for everyone to shit all over it.

The way I look at it.... we have three different characters. And he is not really a good example to look at analyze wise. He is inconsistent. And was molded for Inquisition for thirsty fan girls. And some boys (I see you). A good example for study would be Morrigan. Or even Alistair. And Alistair is in several of the comics and still remains pretty consistent. Leliana is a prime example of character development over a course of three games. And I highly recommend you fall in love with her good and bad side because she is written beautifully. Don’t @ me.

Cullen, and I mean Inquisition Cullen, has a lot to like. And a lot to dislike. Every character is flawed. I think a lot of hate that gets tagged onto Cullen is really from poor writing. They really got lazy with him. And it is a shame. I feel like he could have been redeemed way better. He could have had one hell of a redemption. Or possibly just skipped over all together. I see a lot of posts about putting Samson in his place and I often agree. It was never quite the character that made him appealing to me. It was the personality. And they could have easily done with anyone. They could have made Samson sexy, too. It didn’t have to be sexy Cullen. And let’s face it. With Cullen’s writing in Origins and even some of the writing in DA2, Cullen siding with Coryphedouche is way more fitting than Samson.

Basically, it is up to us to fill in the gaps. So I love seeing fanfic with Cullen backstory. Because it gives better insight than what the writers could accomplish. And I applaud you if you’ve done that. BUT the over sexualization of this character is a bit... wrong. It feels wrong. And that’s all I’ll say to that. Personally, I’ve been working on some Cullen romance fic for awhile and it’s been challenging trying to find a way to make him less douchey. One minute, he’s yelling at you about mages. And the next, he’s got this soft tone and nervous look. Like, yeah... you can tell it’s rushed. And awful. And even the dialogue is just... painful. It doesn’t fit. (you can check my Cullen tag in blog to see how I feel about that). I will say that even speaking to him on a personal note, asking him questions about life as a templar, he even says he does not agree with the Order. And he wants to change his thinking. But he still gets angry when you go to side with the mages. It feels like they wanted redeem him but they also needed someone to side with the templars to provide conflict at the war table.

So in my opinion, calling him controlling and abusive is a bit of a stretch. He was clearly used by the writers. It just seems ridiculous to put so much effort in bashing the character when clearly... he was not planned out... or put together... I just... I don’t get...

I know what you’re thinking at this point: Kay.... why do you like him then?

Beacause. I am weak for a man who gets nervous around girls he likes. His awkward mannerisms despite being a man of power makes me weak. The need to protect also makes me weak. But also the ability to admit vulnerability makes me suuuuuper weak. So like I said. There was a lot there. It just was not delivered correctly. You know what I would have done? If I had to put him in the Commander shoes, I would have made the whole Kirkwall thing a life changer for him. Maybe even give him a soul searching type situation before joining the Inquisition. And definitely tell him to keep his mouth shut about siding with the templars.

Long story short: Ya’ll thirsted over a weird dude in Origins and Bioware went hmmmm okay. But by the time they gave him to you on a silver plate, it was last minute. Like you just found out your crush Jared is going to Becky’s party but you’re already at Jessica’s house and have like nothing to wear so you have to just wing it. And your shoes look tacky, but Jessica’s shoes don’t fit. So you either have to wear shoes that don’t fit or just look like omg total garbage. And Bioware went with the shoes that don’t fit. And Jared totally likes them.

I’m also going to say the most controversial thing on this entire post by just... saying... by calling Cullen out as trash without realizing the writing, the directive, the lack of development, the rush on this character, and the complete absolute bullying this community does to it’s FANS AND WRITERS kind of feels like you didn’t really put any effort into understanding why and just jumped on a band wagon. And the fact that some of you make other people feel bad for liking this character is awful. Some of the most toxic shit I’ve seen. Like maybe they like this character from Inquisition because, I don’t know, maaaaaaybe he was written out almost like a new character with a last minute fantasy romance.. because he kind of was...

Now for my opinion on Greg Ellis.

FUCK THAT GUY.

And that’s it. Thanks for stopping by. If you agree cool, if not cool. I’m not here to argue with anyone or say your opinion is invalid. We all have reasons why we hate or love the color blue. So we can all disagree or agree and live in peace and still love a game.

You can always message me, too, guys. I have a lot of opinions. And reasons for my opinions. And theories. And just things in general. But I will not hate characters written in Dragon Age. Someone wrote them. Someone is out there working their ass off to deliver a character. And I refuse to hate someone fictional.

[makeste]

probably like my 500th rant about Kacchan and Deku and their confused relationship

oh my yes. he’s had the greatest fanboy of our time admiring him since they were preschoolers. and Izuku has certainly never attempted to hide his total awe at every single thing Kacchan does.

although the essaying part of me does want to bring up that until very recently, Kacchan didn't realize that it was admiration, though. he genuinely believed it to be pretty much the opposite of that. because he felt insecure and vulnerable around Deku, he reasoned that Deku must be trying to make him feel like that on purpose, and so he convinced himself that Deku was looking down on him, as we now understand as of their second fight. so in that sense it’s interesting, because you could actually argue that he doesn’t know what sincere admiration looks like. he’s been around it his whole life, and yet the whole time, all he ever saw were his own insecurities mirrored back at him. he wasn’t able to see past that to view Deku’s feelings for what they actually were. in which case the more skeptical way to view his encounter with Shindou would be to assume that Kacchan is actually just doing what he always does, and greeting any and all displays of amicability and warmth with hostility and suspicion.

but I think the truth most likely falls somewhere in between. Deku notwithstanding, he generally is very perceptive. the complexity of all of his mixed-up childhood feelings has always made that relationship more difficult for him to understand. but he’s fairly good at reading between the lines when it involves virtually anyone else. he picked up on Kurogiri’s weakness just from a turn of phrase. he accurately assessed his own status quo with the League of Villains, including when it changed from “they won’t try and hurt me” to “yeah now they absolutely will fuck my shit up.” he sussed out the truth about All Might and Deku’s relationship by correctly decoding a single sentence that was phrased in such a way as to have its true meaning understood only by Deku. he also correctly surmised that All for One and All Might had a longstanding archnemesis relationship, well before he actually learned who All for One was. and he subsequently picked up on All Might’s cues that this was a secret of vital importance, and so fell in line with keeping it even without being asked.

to sum up, he actually is a lot better at reading and understanding people than he lets on. but Deku is the exception to the rule. pardon me for going off on a whole new (and much longer) tangent, but I think he actually cares a lot about Deku’s opinion of him. he goes to great lengths to pretend that he doesn’t, attempting to reclassify him as “just a pebble in his shoe” and so forth, but I don’t know. there has to be a reason he reacted that badly to thinking that Deku saw him as weak. would he have responded the same way if it had been anyone else? 

Katsuki’s thoughts on Izuku from before the log bridge fall are still (still!) unknown to us. we know that Izuku thought the world of Katsuki, and still does for that matter. but we never did get Katsuki’s perspective on it. but -- basically his whole personality shifts when he is only four years old. he goes from being happy and confident and smiling constantly to being defensive and confrontational and angry all the time and almost never smiling outside of a fight. that’s not a coincidence that this only happens after he stops being friends with Izuku. basically everything about this implies that he was actually a lot more hurt by that incident than he lets on. he puts up a lot of walls afterwards. he eventually tries to break off his entire friendship with Deku by any means necessary.

all of this leads me to think they were closer than previously inferred. and why wouldn’t they be? they spent a ton of time together during one of the most impressionable and trusting periods of their lives. they shared character-defining traits in common; they had the same dream and looked up to the same person. we tend to question whether it was really a friendship per se, because we know Katsuki was kind of a jackhole, and came up with the Deku nickname, and so forth. but he does the exact same fucking thing now with Kirishima and his other U.A. friends, and no one questions whether he actually cares about them. one of the crucial things we come to understand about Katsuki over the course of the series is that his attitude toward people is not a true reflection of how he actually feels about them. he trusts Kirishima in spite of disparaging him with every other breath and calling him by an insulting nickname. once we understand this, there’s no reason not to assume things wouldn’t have been the exact same way back with Deku when they were four. that his smugness and his putdowns concealed a very real trust and a close connection between them.

and that closeness, I think, is ironically the very thing that blinds him to Deku’s obvious admiration and esteem. that misunderstanding, when it happens, is devastating. the fear of being perceived as weak by anyone is bad enough, but with Deku in particular, it really fucks him up. to have a connection like that shattered so suddenly is damaging as fuck. just... I feel like I’m doing a really bad job of explaining this. but basically, if we go off the assumption that they were close, that means we’re dealing with feelings of hurt and betrayal that go beyond what we might have originally assumed. those are very powerful negative emotions for a four-year-old to suddenly be grappling with, and they’re precisely the kind of emotions that can completely overwhelm and suppress any kind of actual rational thought. and the thing is that there was no way for poor Izuku to have mended this, even if he understood what was actually going on, because the initial infraction never actually came from him at all, but from Katsuki’s own mind. his own fears being projected, because he was young and lacked the ability then to see things from Deku’s perspective.

anyways. when I said “tangent” I meant it lol. wow. but I think the original point of this was trying to explain why Katsuki, who normally is very sharp and aware, would have so much trouble deciphering the actions of the one person he’s spent more time around than any other. and to explain that Deku is an exception and that Katsuki’s lack of self-awareness about that relationship doesn’t reflect his overall insightfulness otherwise. he knew Shindou was trouble because Shindou was a smooth-talking little shit who just happened to want to get all buddy-buddy with the school at the top of everyone’s hitlist right before the fucking exam, and anyone who was taking those circumstances in consideration should have had the same warning bells ringing off in their own minds tbh. so yeah, hence “your words don’t match your eyes.” and also because he never lets his guard down that easily anyway. and that part of it does have everything to do with Deku.

anyways anon I’m sorry I took this very sweet BakuDeku ask and turned it into sort of a sad and meandering BakuDeku ask lol. I was thinking about some of this stuff the other day, and this was like a cheatcode that activated this whole mini-rant. I’m just constantly fascinated by the sheer depth and intensity of all of the feelings these two have associated with one another, and how that relationship is both their greatest strength and their greatest vulnerability all wrapped up in one. they both were so damaged by it, but now it’s the thing that’s spurring them on to become stronger than ever with each other’s help. gah.

[journeysintowebcomics]

Worm Liveblog #46

UPDATE 46: Nothing Good Ever Happens to Him

Last time Flechette had gone to her first patrolling since she arrived to Brockton Bay to be a temporary member of the Wards. She had intended to bond with Shadow Stalker, wanting to have a friend of her same age and gender. You can guess how that went, given Shadow Stalker’s vigilantism tendencies. At least she managed to connect with Parian, so it’s not all bad. Let’s continue with the next chapter!

“Welcome to Parahumans 103: Theories and Patterns.  I see we have a packed auditorium, and according to the enrollment list, we have no less than three hundred students taking the TV course.  A bump up from the last two trimesters, so I must be doing something right.”

Oh, nice. Looks like this chapter may have some explanations regarding parahumans. That’s always nice. Given that most Wards and some PRT members are here, I suppose there’s some credibility regarding the accuracy of this course, unless they all came here to watch if this guy knows what he’s talking about – unlikely. You don’t need all Wards to be here for that.

Although...some of the Wards aren’t paying attention. Hm. Maybe being here is something they can’t avoid, maybe it’s mandatory?

Only thirteen people present, altogether.

...well! This must be a hella tiny auditorium! They’re lucky three hundred students are taking the TV course, although I’d bet only around 75% are taking it with some seriousness. This is a college class, it seems.

“For this class, I want you to think.  Parahumans. People with powers.  They’ve been around for nearly thirty years.  Where did they come from?  Why are they here?  It’s common knowledge that parahumans are ordinary individuals who gained abilities.  It is too easy, however, to assume that this is the sum total of our knowledge.  I want you to think further on the subject. For example, why does virtually every parahuman ability have some application in confrontation and combat? Is this the nature of humans, to turn any progress to violent ends, be it science or superpower?  Or is it by design, an individual’s hand at work?

Huh. Well, I’m not completely sure every single parahuman ability is meant to be used in confrontation and combat, but yeah, everyone knows a trait humans have is that we can get really creative when we want to be. It’d be no problem for a parahuman to think of a way to use their ability during a strife. The amount of parahumans who don’t want to use them for any kind of confrontation seems to be rather low, at least I judge that by the number of known rogues so far, compared to the amount of heroes and villains there are.

I suppose there’s a possibility it is by design, that something in the parahumans’ brains change at the moment they obtain their abilities, something that makes them be predisposed to fighting and combat. It’s already known trigger events and gaining skills can affect a person’s brain and behavior. It’s possible it happens to everyone and nobody has realized it yet.

Miss Militia’s...vision from when she gained her own skill is a bit puzzling, though, now that this guy mentions it could be an individual’s hand at work. Wasn’t the colossal being breaking down, wasn’t it dying? Hard for it to be controlling anything when it’s dead. I can’t rule out the possibility parahumans are influenced in some way, though. That is, if such vision wasn’t something kind of metaphorical. It could have been Miss Militia’s mind coping with the newly gained power.

With the destructive potential of these abilities, why do so very few individuals perish in the chaotic and unpredictable emergence of their talents?

Instinctual knowledge on how to use the powers, perhaps? Studying what went wrong in those few individuals who died at their awakening may be a good idea.

Wow, it seems this chapter will be filled with a lot of worldbuilding. A good time as any to learn and try to see if my understanding of the powers here is accurate enough.

Throughout the course, we’re going to be looking at correlations and patterns, both in relation to trigger events and other things.  For example, how does the nature of the trigger event shape the power? A study by Garth and Rogers suggests that psychological stress leads to a higher prevalence of mentally driven powers. Tinkers, thinkers, masters, shakers. The more physical violence that is involved, the higher the bias towards physically driven powers.

It’s true that trigger events seem to be related in some way to the powers, but in some cases not directly – not that I can say much about this stuff, I only know a total of two awakenings: Taylor’s and Brian’s. Taylor’s was filled with a lot of anguish and desperation, she felt the insects not in the locker but in a considerable ratio. I’m not sure how what happened to her is related to the bugs, but...yeah, it could be said there was a link between her awakening and her power, even if it is a very tenuous link. Brian’s awakening doesn’t seem to have much in relation to his power, but I should point I don’t know the exact circumstances of the moment he triggered. Maybe it was dark. Maybe he had wanted to blend with the shadows to stay out of that man’s sight and attack stealthily. All I know about Brian’s awakening is the broad details. Maybe if I ever see another trigger event described here in Worm, I can have a better idea of the correlation, or maybe it’ll be answered here in this chapter, anyway.

Yeah, it seems families have an easier time awakening to powers, most likely without the need for triggers. There’s something rather curious about the fact powers can be passed to future generations or siblings, it suggests some sort of genetic predisposition, which is...unlikely, I think.

Turns out none of the Wards are interested in this in the slightest. As I thought, they’re not here because they want to be! This is Piggot wanting to give them an education. Does she think knowing the details about how their power works will help them? Maybe it will, but...yeah, given the current state of the city, it’s unlikely they’ll have much use for this stuff. I sympathize with Clockblocker here.

Hell, it was on videotape, a recording of last year’s lectures.  Why couldn’t they watch it in their off hours?  It was just a fucked up set of priorities enforced on them from the people in charge.

Oh, it wasn’t a live class? I suppose that explains why the teacher’s words didn’t fit the, you know, the fact there were only thirteen people here. I’m pretty sure most Wards wouldn’t watch this, not even in their off hours.

More women than men have powers, for example, and there are more powers in undeveloped countries than there are in industrialized ones

Hm. More chances for powers to awaken in those undeveloped countries, I suppose. A harder life gives you tougher situations to battle, and when you’re losing, you get that boost through a power. It’s not like parahumans are rare, though. Don’t get me wrong, I know that in a city like Brockton Bay, which surely has dozens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people (or even more than that), the number of parahumans isn’t going to go over a hundred or two hundred. Parahumans are rare. But these few parahumans are very known, the effects of their presence is felt by everybody. Undeveloped countries must be quite...difficult to live in, if more awakenings than usual happen in those places.

Witch burnings in Uganda, most likely because people feared parahumans and their weird abilities. Oh joy.

“Another pattern we will be exploring is the apparent effect of multiple trigger events occurring in the same time and place.  There is a very strong correlation between coinciding trigger events and individuals displaying three or more powers rather than one or two predominant ones.”

It took me a few times to understand this paragraph. So…those capes that have several powers…it may be because more than one cape awakened at the same time than them. I wonder…if that happens, then all capes that awaken at the same time in the same area would all have more than one power? It’s unlikely they’d have the same ability, but would they both have lots of powers?

Unlike the other teachings so far, this does have some immediate practical use, Kid Win asks Flechette if she knows about other parahumans awakening at the same time than hers. There was a villain…but it’s not confirmed if that has anything to do with Flechette. Still, it’s worth thinking. Weld has no patience for people talking during class, and tells them to shut up and pay attention – in kinder yet blunter terms than these. Yeah, Weld’s not endearing himself to the rest yet. It’s a shame, I know he has good intentions, but it’s going to be hard to lead the team if nobody likes him.

Scion is a deviation to the norm – I’d think so, being the first parahuman ever. The Endbringers are deviation to the norm – I’d think so too, I mean, they weren’t ever human, according to Tattletale. Nilbog may or may not be a deviation to the norm – who the heck is Nilbog? The last deviation mentioned are the Case 53, the one with the tattoos. Weld is one of them and Clockblocker knows it. I wonder if anyone in the Wards will ask him about how he got powers? It could give us readers some information about this clearly abnormal situation.

Weeks five and six, assuming we’re on schedule, we’ll pull all earlier material together and discuss the beginnings of the parahuman phenomenon.  Not for the individual, as with trigger events, but as a whole.  Where do capes come from?  There is the patient zero theory, typically working under the assumption that Scion is the source of these abilities.  This, however, raises questions about where Scion came from.  The theory is corroborated by the case of Andrew Hawke, who came into contact with Scion on the very first sighting of the hero, only to manifest powers of his own… but there are others who manifested powers without ever coming into contact with Scion or entering a location where Scion had visited.”

“There’s the viral theory, supposing some advanced virus, though it is flimsy at best in justifications, with no identified culprits, method of transmission or explanation as to how it provides the actual powers.  The genetics theory is popular, but has been thoroughly debunked.

Okay, this is a lot of information. Let’s see what theory I think it more likely…genetics is off the table. While it’s true families have powers and those powers are similar to each other, this wouldn’t explain how people awaken to powers. The theory about Scion being the source of these abilities…unless he was floating around Taylor’s school when she had her trigger event, that sounds unlikely. Viral theory…that may be it. If I remember biology correctly, viruses modify the host’s DNA in the cells it invades, and multiplies to continue invading the body. I think there’d be some logic in that theory. The problem I see is that they’d have to determine where the virus came from, and that’s going to be hella tough. Then again, nothing is easy when it’s about doing science.

The Parahuman Theory Power Hour is interrupted when Clockblocker receives an urgent message. He should go see his father in the hospital. Dang…did his father get injured recently, during the Leviathan incident or during the riots happening right now? This isn’t going to help Clockblocker feel any better about having to sit around listening to year-old classes.

At some point, Clockblocker’s father got sick with an infection, and he’s now dying. He won’t last long. That’s why Clockblocker has to go to the hospital right now. I suppose it’s not impossible the infection happened because of the attack or because what’s going on now. He doesn’t leave immediately, first he asks Glory Girl to have a word with him outside.

“New Wave may be disbanding.  My mom suggested that if I wanted to keep being a hero, I should consider joining the Wards.  So I’m here, checking things out.  Your leader and director okayed it.”

Oh. Dang, the two deaths this family suffered really hit them hard…is Panacea going to join the Wards too? Maybe. I don’t think Lady Photon will stop being a hero, maybe Laserdream will…hm. I never thought someone would stop being a hero after the attack. Glory Girl isn’t sure if she’ll join or if she’ll be like a vigilante. The portraits in the lobby don’t help leave behind the pain and sorrow, that’s for sure. It’d be tough to walk through there, with Gallant’s portrait watching you.

The reason why Clockblocker wanted to talk with her is because he wants to ask Glory Girl if Panacea could heal his father. He has leukemia, he has an infection because he got injured during the Leviathan attack…I feel bad for him and Clockblocker, that’s really awful. I hope Panacea does heal this guy’s father. Glory Girl won’t promise anything, but…maybe it’ll happen!

Weld and Vista exit the room to let Clockblocker know they paused the video for when they return – a tacit ‘permission granted’ for Clockblocker to leave. He doesn’t want to tell the rest about what’s going on with his father, he doesn’t want to make anyone else worry.

“I’ll trust you have reason for this,” Weld smiled slightly, showing a row of white metal teeth, “But don’t take too long.  You’re on patrol at two this afternoon, and that doesn’t allow us much leeway for delays if we want to finish watching.”

Oh my god. I know Weld has the best intentions, and I know he’s not aware of what’s happening with Clockblocker’s father, but he really has an uncanny skill to say the wrong stuff at the wrong time. Are we sure that’s not his secondary power or something? I’m amazed Clockblocker managed to not say anything besides ‘alright’ until Weld returned inside.

At least Vista is willing to give him a chance, and defends him when Clockblocker comments what it’s he doesn’t like about Weld – that Weld is asking them to work as hard as he’s working, which is no mean feat. Something about this all makes Clockblocker snidely ask Vista if she’s channeling Gallant—oh my goodness, this whole team is falling apart. Brockton Bay may be falling into pieces right now, and so are the Wards! There goes Vista, running away, and this didn’t earn any brownie points with Glory Girl, either. At least she kind of forgives him.

“But you’d better go after that girl and apologize.  Because the way I heard it from Kid Win, you were the one who told everyone else to be extra nice to her, because she was taking it hard.  You convinced Shadow Stalker to play nice, and from what Kid Win said before class started, that was a pretty big deal. Maybe I’m wrong, I don’t know your team like you do, but I’d guess that if you don’t fix this, your team won’t forgive you for a long time.”

Well, yeah, they hardly will forgive him, even with the stuff about his father. ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ is not a good leadership style – even if Clockblocker is not the leader. Spurred by Glory Girl, he hurries down the hall to look for Vista.

No wonder Vista was hit so hard by Gallant’s death. She had a crush on him. Even though she knew she had no chances with him, she still liked being with him. That’s rough…it seems it wasn’t a secret, and Gallant never had anything bad to say about Vista. He never had anything bad to say about anyone. Well, no, he had bad things to say like any normal teenager when he was forced to do stuff that was a huge hassle.

But what Clockblocker wants to make Vista see, is that Gallant enjoyed spending time with him and with her, using as an example how he smiled or replied ‘great’ when he was assigned to patrolling with Clockblocker or her. Ah, that’s a rather nice detail. Good show-don’t-tell, even if it was a secondhand account from another character.

Clockblocker has so much frustration inside it’s a wonder he hasn’t tried to punch Weld.

I was, am, angry.  At the pointlessness of what happened, what’s still happening out there. I get frustrated and angry when I’m here, because I feel like I should be out on the streets.  I get pissed off when I’m out on patrol because I feel like I should be with my family… but when I’m with my family, I feel frustrated and helpless because I can’t do anything there…

There are very few emotions worse than knowing there’s nothing you can’t do about something you’d like to change. Asking Panacea for help must have been his very last resort option, and it’s not guaranteed she’ll do anything. Heck, he hasn’t even talked to her face to face.

At least this sincere heart-to-heart is helping Vista cheer up a little, so I’d say he is forgiven. The team’s weakened bonds will last for a while longer. With some luck they’ll all get a break, the civilians will stop rioting, and everyone will be able to mourn properly.

…

…it’s only going to get worse, isn’t it? Since the first chapter, everything in Brockton Bay keeps escalating. It’s hard to imagine something more brutal or deadly than an Endbringer attack, and there are like twenty arcs left. What else do you have in your box of frightening surprises, Mr. Wildbow?

“…I was taking it out on the new guy, when he probably doesn’t deserve it.”

In all fairness, the new guy isn’t getting A+ in sensitivity.

“I miss the old Dennis.  The guy who picked a sorta rude codename and announced himself in front of the news so Piggy and the other people in charge couldn’t really make him change it. Because it was funny.  Because he liked pushing the limits and because he saw this all as something fun.  The new Dennis is so angry.  Now I guess I get why.”

“Aren’t you? Angry?  At everything that’s going on?  At the unfairness of what happened?”

She shook her head, which amounted to rubbing her head against his shoulder. “Yeah.  But you can’t let it consume you.  If you really don’t like Weld, you don’t have to force yourself to get along with him.  But don’t stay like this.  Don’t stay angry.”

Wow…are we sure Vista is just thirteen years old? She’s being rather mature right now, and generally I’d say she has good control over her emotions. This is a very mature kid. I’m starting to be fond of her.

I know she’s a secondary character and therefore I don’t think she’s going to make lots of appearances in the main story, but here I do this, as a token of appreciation. What a good kid. Chances are she’s the only Ward that’ll have a meter.

Say, since I gave her one, I better give Armsmaster one too. I meant to do it before but I forgot.

Sure, I despise him, but as a character I’m rather interested in what he’s doing and where it’ll go. I wonder how his “retirement” is going? In the Birdcage? Is he really there? Anyway, yeah, I’m interested in him.

The poignant emotional moments are over when they go to return to the classroom. There’s trouble. Wards away!

Alright, this goes beyond ‘trouble’. I’ll spare you the description. All you have to know, is that it’s not a pretty scene. It’s rather brutal, three mutilated bodies in three different ways. That kind of hints to three different attackers, doesn’t it? Because the MOs are so different. It’s also said there are another two crime scenes like this one. As if the riots and the destruction of the city hadn’t been enough trouble. I knew things were going to get worse! Knowing this story is full of people with powers, I suppose there are three superpowered murderers on the loose.

The Travelers are here. It’s unlikely they’re the ones who did all this, but since they’re, you know, villains and therefore are untrustworthy, Weld tries to get them to come, because they’re suspects anyway.

“Let us go. Whatever happened here, it deserves your full attention.  You should be trying to find and capture the real criminals.  This guy here was still alive when we arrived.”  Trickster pointed at the man with the chain limbs.

I wonder if he said anything. Well, even if he did, it’s unlikely the Travelers will be cooperative, what with Weld’s request of turning themselves in. Not wanting to be imprisoned, a fight ensues.

Until now I had only seen Tricker’s power as a way to help, I hadn’t seen it during a fight. While Ballistic keeps Weld on the defensive through continuous assaults with thrown objects – some of which may get stuck on Weld, if he throws something metallic – and Genesis is the close combat fighter of the team, Trickster gives support by swapping people around and causing confusion. Clockblocker is taken away before he can freeze anyone, Kid Win’s shot is countered by swapping him with Trickster himself…it’s going to be difficult to get a good grip on this guy, with all these teleportation hijinks.

Sundancer’s sun is also rather effective at keeping people away, nobody wants to be close to a superheated orb, and it can also set nearby wood on fire.

To try to counter Trickster, several of the Wards charge at once towards him, so if Clockblocker is swapped with anyone he won’t be taken too far away. Vista’s space-warping skill also helps get there faster. Hm. Shadow Stalker is still away, isn’t she? Clockblocker could be swapped with her, or Trickster could swap himself with one of the Wards. Catching him is going to be rather difficult.

Weld ducked one of Ballistic’s attacks, then charged for the orb, striking it out of the air with one fist.  The blow dispersed it enough that Sundancer couldn’t draw it back together, and a wave of hot air washed over everyone present.

Weld, for his part, staggered back, his hand glowing white-hot.  He flexed his glowing hand, and it moved slowly, stiffly.  Even as far down as his elbow, the metal of his arm was an orange-red.

How fortunate it wasn’t hot enough to melt! Still, that’s going to stay hot for a while. Good thinking, Weld, if a tad risky. Sundancer is much easier to deal with than Trickster, he keeps getting Clockblocker in situations where he could freeze one of his teammates. My mind is blank regarding ideas about how to capture him.

There’s not much progress, soon the Wards are in the center and the Travelers are to the sides. Easy enough position to attack, if they wanted. Escaping, though, that’s going to be difficult, at least for two of the Travelers. Guess the fight won’t be over yet.

Genesis exhales lots of a vapor that seems to be created specifically to make them have a hard time breathing. Even a trace of it makes Clockblocker cough.

So, that’s what a changer nine brings to the table.  Different forms, each with their own powers.

You got that wrong, pal. If I remember correctly, this here is a projection, the real Genesis is not present here during the fight. She’s somewhere else, most likely nearby. In that case, can she be defined as a changer nine? Maybe, yeah, but it’s possible another classification is needed. Then again, it’s possible the Wards and the Protectorate aren’t aware of how Genesis’ power works!

At least it seems that one way for Clockblocker and Weld to get along is to fight villains. Thank goodness! You know what they say, fire-forged friendships are forever. Who knows if they’ll reach such level.

He realized what it was, this calm.  Whatever else it was, this fight was a refuge from that feeling that had plagued him since the fight with Leviathan ended.  The feeling that he was always in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, in the face of a city in crisis and a dying father.  This, right here, was where he was needed.

This is what I’m here for.

Hm. I’d chalk it up to the adrenaline, but if Clockblocker is feeling better and can take his mind off the lots of problems his life has, then it’s good. Good luck, guys.

So first it was Weld, then it was Flechette, then it was Clockblocker...I suppose Vista, Shadow Stalker and Kid Win are still yet to come. I wonder which one will be the next? Guess that’ll be for next time!

Next update: in six updates

[fialleril]

Replies to ‘Speed’

Some replies to the Anabasis ‘verse backstory fic Speed, ‘cause I’m still catching up on replies.

valkirinii said:                                                                                                           This is so good!!! It makes me even more excited to see more of these two as if I needed much more than 1. you’re writing it, 2. alternate verse Padme and Anakin having a fantastically bad idea/great idea romance, and 3. Star Wars awesomeness in general. I really like how knowing other stories helps fill in so many background details with your Anakin- I have strong suspicions about that tea and just how gaga he is for Padme past showing her a secret apartment 

Thank you! :) “Fantastically bad idea/great idea” is a pretty excellent description of them, really.

And yeah, the secret apartment is a big deal (Palpatine doesn’t even know about that), but the tea may actually be an even bigger deal, though Padme has no reason to think that yet, and Anakin himself may not be consciously aware of it at this point.

@miriannemiri said

I highly recommend reading this.  A fabulous AU fic.

This is absolutely fabulous

and I love it!

I already loved what you'd posted about Anabasis

but this just confirms how much I'm looking forward to it

Would posting it to AO3 be and getting the added attention and feedback be a source of inspiration or pressure?

That's how I'd decide

Thank you so much!

I still haven’t posted this fic on AO3, and I’m still kind of tossing the idea around. Feedback is always inspiring to me, but I also know that I’m a really slow writer and it’s gonna be a while yet before Anabasis appears, so...I’d kinda feel guilty putting this up and leaving people hanging? IDK.

@themoosejthm said

#OH MY GOD  #he's showing her his secrets!!  #he's showing her his fast speeder to impress her!!  #HE'S LETTING HER DRIVE HIS SPEEDER THAT HE BUILT  #MECHANICAL KISSING IT'S PRACTICALLY MECHANICAL KISSING  #SHE TOLD HIM SHE TRUSTS HIM  #she raged at him that he wasn't a slave!!!  #OH MY GOD FIA IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL   

Mechanical kissing! What a fantastic turn of phrase. (Also probably a very Anakin turn of phrase, lbr. Padme flying his speeder is probably something he’s imagined before.)

At this point Padme doesn’t know about about Tatooine or the transmitter or any of Anakin’s background, really, so she thinks that “He doesn’t own you!” is a more metaphorical statement. But she’s been getting some disturbing vibes for a while about the nature of Vader’s relationship to the man he calls “Master,” so it’s not a total coincidence that her metaphor was aptly chosen.

(Meanwhile Palps is probably sitting around feeling grumpy on his throne and wondering why his apprentice hasn’t reported in yet. The possibility that the boy is off tearing up the industrial district like an irresponsible teenager on his first date has not occurred to him. Even though every part of that sentence is one hundred percent true.)

@astudyinimagination said

PERFECTION.

I mean, I think I’ve said this about your work before but it’s true! All the love and thought put into this piece shows.

I remember once seeing someone else saying that Anabasis!Padme was their favorite version of Padme in fanfic or something to that effect, and I have to agree. I can absolutely see and hear her here; she’s so alive and so herself, and it’s beautiful.

(On that token, so is Anakin. There’s still so much of AotC!Anakin in him here and it’s so lovely. Can I just wrap him up in a blanket and cuddle him? Okay, probably bad idea, BUT STILL. DARN THESE CHARACTERS THAT TRIGGER MY OVERACTIVE MATERNAL INSTINCTS.)

My favorite moment, for sure though, is when Padme is like, “what the actual heck, he doesn’t own you!” and poor Anakin is suddenly like, “DARN STRAIGHT HE DOESN’T.” <3<3<3

I just love everything about this, and I so look forward to the day when Anabasis is going to be a completed story in which  we can all just revel in the blissful perfection. ^.^

Oh gosh I’m blushing. Thank you so much!

I am really glad that Padme feels like herself here. Tbh I think that’s probably the single most improved thing between the version of Anabasis I’m working on and the first one (which was terrible, and I’m not just saying that).

Also glad that the AOTC feel comes across with Anakin - this does roughly line up with the AOTC time period in canon. He’s a very different character from his canon counterpart in a lot of ways, but there are also similarities, and I have a lot of fun writing that. (Also, Padme’s continual surprise when the fearsome Darth Vader keeps acting like a badly socialized teenager.)

chesed-universe-180 said:                                                                                                                            oh, my absolute goodness. this made my heart ache, in the bestworst of ways. aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh. emotions!!!!!! I’d vote to put it up on ao3, personally! thank you so much for writing and sharing, this is just. it’s just really so so so good.                           

Thank you! I’m still debating about AO3, but I appreciate the vote of confidence and I’m glad you liked it. :)

@greengobsmacked said

You are amazing and this is wonderful. I loved it. Padme’s perspective was great. Thank you for sharing!                             

Thank you! I’m glad you liked Padme’s POV. :)

@zwow-okatu said

Fantastic characterization of Padme and Anakin Skywalker in a ‘verse that is uncannily similar and radically different. 

Thank you so much! I think my favorite thing about writing AUs is exploring all the ways that noticeable character traits and moments crop up in unexpected ways.

[withasmoothroundstone]

I’m a mutant, I guess.

I’d always known that my tentative diagnosis of myasthenia gravis was… tentative. Meaning, because of elements of my personal and family histories, there’s always been a suspicion that I (and other living family members) might have a form of congenital myasthenia. Complicating things of course, is the fact that there have been recent discoveries of hereditary myasthenia that is autoimmune.

So… normally the way they classify myasthenia is into two basic categories:

Myasthenia gravis, which is more common, not generally hereditary, and is caused by an autoimmune disease. Autoimmune diseases happen when your immune system mistakes part of your body for a dangerous foreign invader and attacks it. For instance, in Hashimoto’s disease (which runs in my family, but I don’t have any sign of it — yet, anyway), your immune system attacks your thyroid. In multiple sclerosis, your immune system attacks the protective myelin covering around your nerve cells. And in myasthenia gravis, your immune system attacks the neuromuscular junction, which is the area where the nerve meets the muscle.

Congenital myasthenia. Congenital myasthenia is genetic and hereditary, and is not autoimmune. With congenital myasthenia, you’re born with at least some degree of the problems inherent in any kind of myasthenia. Sometimes it stays mild throughout your life, and sometimes it gets worse over time (or suddenly worsens and stays worse), and sometimes it starts out very obvious and stays very obvious. Congenital myasthenia is rare. Some forms of it are so rare that each family that has the condition has it from a totally unique genetic configuration that are not found in other families.

And recently, they have discovered that there are some forms of myasthenia that are both inherited and autoimmune. I don’t know a lot about genetic autoimmune diseases, but I assume it works a lot like Hashimoto’s in my family, where many of the biological women in one branch of the family seem to develop it at some point in their lifetimes, but at what time some event triggers it into becoming active, varies greatly. Like, one person might get a totally ordinary virus at the age of twenty, that somehow triggers their immune system along with whatever genetic predisposition they have, to attack their thyroid. But in another person, the same sort of thing happens, only in their fifties. So there’s the gene that determines a body is going to react this way to certain physiological events, but which physiological events trigger the onset of the active disease varies. Understand, I’m not a medical professional, this is just how I’ve heard it described by relatives and by other people with hereditary Hashimoto’s in their families. I don’t know if all forms of hereditary autoimmune disease work this way. And hereditary myasthenia gravis is barely being discovered right now, so there’s a lot they don’t know.

Meanwhile, there’s a lot they don’t know about congenital myasthenia because there just aren’t a lot of people who have it.

Anyway, until now, we’d been in one sort of unknown territory with my diagnosis. Now, we seem to be in a completely new sort of unknown territory. Lots of unknowns here. Nothing is certain, even my genetic testing provides as many questions as answers. (And no, I’m not going to go into details about what testing I’ve had. That information is private.)

So anyway, to clear up some confusion… myasthenia gravis refers specifically to autoimmune myasthenia. Congenital myasthenia is the term for non-autoimmune, genetic myasthenia. I don’t know WTF they’re going to call hereditary autoimmune myasthenia — congenital myasthenia gravis, hereditary myasthenia gravis, hereditary autoimmune myasthenia, WTF? As I said, no clue. Anyway, a lot of people just refer to all myasthenia as myasthenia gravis and abbreviate it to MG. This is because most people have only heard of MG and not of congenital myasthenia, even people who are diagnosed with MG. And because congenital myasthenia is rare enough that often support groups for all people with all kinds of myasthenia have MG as part of the name and people with congenital myasthenia are welcome, but people are just used to saying MG when they mean myasthenia in general.

So… I’ve gotten genetic testing. And I do have a rare mutation in a gene associated with one form of congenital myasthenia. My symptoms, now and throughout my lifetime, are well within the range of case reports I’ve read about this variety. Only thing is, so far they’ve only studied people with myasthenia who have two copies of the gene, and have not studied people with only one who have myasthenia, so they’ve assumed that two copies are required. My doctors think it would be way too unlikely a coincidence for me to have traits consistent with congenital myasthenia, other immediate family members with these traits as well, and to have a mutation in this gene, and have that all just be random coincidence with no relation to each other just because I only have one copy of the gene. So their working hypothesis is that, as with other recessive conditions, most people with one copy would not have symptoms, but some people, me probably included, have myasthenia from only one copy, but simply not as severe as it would be if we had two copies. They say this sort of thing happens with other recessive conditions, that genetics can be more complicated than a layperson’s view of them can make them out to be, and that… yeah, it would just be an ultra-weird, or more like close-to-impossible coincidence for me to have a rare mutation that’s usually connected with a disease I and several close relatives have symptoms of (and diagnostic testing and response to meds both showing we have neuromuscular junction problems) and have been diagnosed with, and then, for those things to just be two totally unrelated random things that have nothing to do with each other. So current hypothesis is that I have incompletely expressed congenital myasthenia.

This means I get to go off of the immune suppressants I was on (and it was scary being on something that’s normally a transplant rejection drug), and may never have to go on plasmapheresis. Meanwhile I will be switched to a treatment regimen more consistent with the recommendations for congenital myasthenia. Until proven otherwise, we’ll assume I have congenital myasthenia. Which, to me, suggests that the evidence for congenital myasthenia is now pretty strong, because most people with myasthenia, me previously included, are treated as if we have myasthenia gravis unless there’s a definite reason to believe otherwise. This is because myasthenia gravis is way more common therefore more likely. Even knowing it seemed to run in my family, they were using myasthenia gravis as the working hypothesis. So for them to change their minds suggests to me that, while we may never know exactly what’s going on (being realistic, the research may never catch up to people like me within my lifetime, if what we suspect is true), there’s strong evidence at this point for congenital myasthenia, strong enough to justify changing all my meds around.

So if you ever hear me saying I have myasthenia gravis, it’s probably just force of habit. Probably the most neutral term I could use is just myasthenia. But I do strongly suspect congenital myasthenia now, and so do my neurologist (who’s well-respected both by doctors and patients, and seems better at teasing out difficult diagnoses than most, because he just methodically goes through every possibility, even remote ones, rather than leaping to conclusions) and my GP (also very well-respected by both doctors and patients). It’s just not the sort of thing we’ll necessarily be able to prove. Especially since, as my neurologist pointed out, they haven’t even found all the genes for congenital myasthenia, not even close, just as they haven’t found all the antibodies involved in myasthenia gravis. Congenital myasthenia would also explain, though, why I (and family) tests positive for myasthenia on single-fiber EMGs but show no sign of the usual antibodies found with MG.

Anyway, either way, I appear to be a mutant. But having muscles that go floppy with exercise doesn’t seem like much of a superpower. Oh well.

I also appear to be weirdly panicky when I think about all this too directly. I’m not sure why. It’s not like anything’s changed. But something about this is feeling like one of those "Shit, my entire view of huge chunks of my entire life is totally different now and I'm going to be sifting through this information for a long time." And for whatever reason, that kind of thing can be mind-blowingly terrifying at times. I can't even read about congenital myasthenia right now, it's one reason I'm relying on memory for a lot of my facts, so don't 100% trust what I say about all the different kinds of myasthenia and stuff, I'm going entirely on memory. When I first got the test results back, I was able to read just enough to realize I fit more of the congenital myasthenia profile than I thought I did (there's nothing all that unusual about my personal history, for someone with congenital myasthenia), but since then I haven't been able to stand looking at the research or even summaries of the research, without freaking out.

[underthebtree]

Do you have a narcissist in your life?  Would you know if you did?

Would you know if you were the victim of one of the craftiest personality types that there is? 

One who makes it all about them, and then makes YOU feel bad for it?

One that demands everything from you, and then has the hide to tell you that it isn’t good enough, EVER?

One that gives nothing to you, but then calls YOU selfish?

One that will use you for everything you have go, leaving you totally spent with nothing left to give (not even you self-worth or dignity) and then have the audacity to call you the failure?

 Would it be worth knowing whether you have one of these people in your life?

You bet!  These people, the narcissists of the world, go around taking the energy, passion, will and drive from everyone around them, using this to buoy themselves up and ‘climb the ladder of life’ for themselves, but they do so at the expense of everyone around them.  Do they care if others get squashed along the way? No not really!  As these are some of the key features of the narcissist:

The centre of the universe is them – only their needs matter.

They lack empathy for anyone else – so they cannot attune to anyone else’s needs, feelings or desires.

Only they really matter in their mind, only them, and so whoever gets squashed when they are moving towards what THEY want is of no consequence.

The narcissist might think: TOO BAD!  Deal with it, that’s your problem, not mine.  I’m doing what is right for me. Damn the consequences for you, that’s for you to deal with.

This then flows into one of their other foundations beliefs: people are really only extensions of me anyway; they are there to meet my needs, to be USED so that I can achieve what I want in life and have my needs met, so it really doesn’t matter what happens to them BECAUSE

It really is all about me!

You are there to be used, by me, for how ever I want, regardless of the consequences for you, as you are really there for me anyway, that is your role, so you better deal with it or there will be consequences for you when you step out of line!

Sound fun?

Sound like someone you would like to have dinner with?

Sound like someone you would like to work with? Marry? Have as a parent?

Some of which you can obviously choose, some of which you can’t, but it is definitely highly important to get to know this personality trait as guess what?!

 Narcissism is on the rise! 

Yes, strikingly this particular trait – one that causes so much DAMAGE in relationships of all kinds, one that leaves anyone who has been intimately acquainted with this personality trait a shell of themselves, is increasing.  So learning to spot this trait is important, and learning to buffer yourself against it is crucial.  As already stated, the narcissist will leave your self-esteem in shreds BEACAUSE they blame you for everything.  It goes a little bit like this:

Because you are here to meet and anticipate all of their needs, if you step out of line and you -

Dare to be yourself (look after your own needs, do what you want or think, express a differing opinion)

OR you happen to be human (make mistakes, don’t do things perfectly according to their rules, be creative, express yourself)

Then you will be punished in some way and you will be given the distinct impression that -

YOU ARE BAD! 

You are the problem here; something has gone wrong and you are the problem. 

If only you would fix yourself, then we wouldn’t be having these issues.

Somehow, everything that ever goes wrong is your fault, you are to blame and that really you deserve to be punished because, well quite frankly, you have pissed me off and you deserve whatever you get!

Charming hey?!

The outcomes for you?  It leaves you feeling bad, not good enough, like you don’t measure up, and that you somehow need to fix yourself so that you can ‘get with the program’!  (that being their program of course but this is never actually stated, as in their mind ‘their program’ is the only one to get with.  To the narcissist -

there is only ONE program and that is THEIRS, so you best get with it!!

Well obviously if we are spotting the pattern then we can start to have CHOICE as to the ‘program’ we do want to invite into our lives.

You could consider - what program will work for YOU as opposed to them.  The problem is, we so often get our feelings so hurt that we get caught up in an endless cycle of trying to make it all better and to prove our worth, to prove that we ARE GOOD ENOUGH.  We might think on some level: ‘I’ll show them just how good I can be!’.

 The spider's web

Well this is when you can KNOW that you are caught in the spiders web of the narcissist!  You are now playing their game as you know what:

For the narcissist, you will NEVER be good enough, not EVER!  You know why?  Because you are you, and not them which means you will inevitably LET THEM DOWN (in their mind at least)!

You will never be able to do what they want you to do – not ever – as what they want you to do is to completely satisfy all of their needs all of the time and this is NOT possible. Not for anyone!

They want you to meet all of their needs because they cannot be bothered to do this for THEMSELVES so they rely on others!  They refuse to take responsibility and so make others do this for them!  You become responsible, not them!

They effectively are the parasites of the human world, sucking all the good out of everyone they come into contact with, and then when the other is all used up – they give a kick in the guts to say ‘thanks for not being the perfect person I wanted you to be – you have failed, you have let me down’ because you dared to be human and you dared to be YOU.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH you will hear and feel!

Well, that sucks and you could begin to say: THAT is not good enough. Relationships are two way streets after all, and it is NEVER any ONE person’s fault if things are not working out!  If someone is giving you the impression that YOU are not good enough because

you are not meeting or anticipating THEIR needs all of the time,

that you did not read their mind and just magically be the EXACT person that they wanted you to be every single moment,

and that you let them down as you decided to do it your way for a change,

that you being you is somehow WRONG,

well that itself is NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

This is where relationships can change – when you can decide the types of relationships that you will allow into your life – work, home, personal – whatever domain.  The power of the narcissist is such that having one in ANY domain has a dramatically negative impact and you choose to stay around someone like this at your own peril!

 So what are your alternatives?

First and foremost is to acquaint yourself with the personality style and to recognise when you have a narcissist in your life.  Typical warning signs are that you will just never feel good enough!

You never feel that you measure up, you never feel that you do a good enough job, that you always feel that eventually you will let them down – as you will – as you are human -  you are letting them down by being HUMAN – major crime right?!.

The next step is to remind yourself that this is OK – it is ok to let others down if their EXPECTATIONS are unrealistic or SELFISHLY MOTIVATED – this is totally fine to let people down under these conditions as this is not HEALTHY and it is NOT FAIR.  You are not here just to meet the needs of one person, no, you are first and foremost responsible for and to YOURSELF, and so you could start considering your own needs AS WELL in any relationship equation – this is totally healthy and fine to do – and if it is NOT according to the other person, then you can guess you are likely dealing with a narcissist!

The next step is to remind yourself that the feelings of being bad, unworthy, not measuring up relate to you in THIS relationship dynamic and are not a TRUE reflection of you as a WHOLE PERSON – the narcissist works on your vulnerable points to get you to ‘tow the party line’ and they use feeling of inadequacy and confusion to draw you back in – prove you are good enough, I dare you!

These feelings and self-perceptions belong in this relationship, and I am sure if you were to look at it, you don’t feel like this with other people – there are likely people in your life who mirror back your other qualities of adequacy, goodness and WORTH!  This is not coincidence and is worth PAYING ATTENTION TO!!

The more you can defuse from idea that

‘I am feeling inadequate, it means I must be inadequate, lets work harder to make it up’;

The more you see this as a THOUGHT not a FACT;

The more you can place these thoughts and feelings in CONTEXT – oh this arises around this person or BECAUSE of what this person has told me or how they have treated me;

the more you will be able to start to separate your EXPERINCES from who you are – your experiences shape you, but they are not who you are!

The more you can start to question these types of relationships, to be the observer and the scientist in the equation – oh this is an interesting experiment in being ME, let’s see how this goes down!  The more power you will have to move away from these toxic people with some element of dignity and self-worth.

Very worth doing!

 Remember that Bodhi starts with you!

Toni-Anne

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 Disclaimer:  This information is in no way intended to replace psychological treatment should you be suffering from clinical depression and anxiety and be in need of personalised, individual therapy.  This information can be used as an adjunct to your therapy and you can feel free to raise it with your therapist should you have one.  If you are in any way suicidal, please contact your therapist or emergency support services.