#but you have social anxiety and cannot go until someone directly invites you

[hillbillyoracle]

Eclipse Self Reflection

I spent a lot of time thinking about how I've never had close relationships period. Not with family, not with friends, not with romantic partners. I have spent years and years of my life trying painstakingly to change that - to learn better social skills, to get out there, to join things, to initiate and create - and none of it has worked.

And I feel like there's this question that's been hanging over me for a long time - when am I just going to accept what I cannot change?

Whatever allows other people to have close relationships must not be something I can directly impact or I would have figured it out by now. My natal chart is majorly detrimented and this must just be an aspect of it; south node solar eclipse in my 7th house (relationships), Mars detrimented in my 5th (sex), ruling my 4th (family) and my 11th (friends and community), Jupiter detrimented in my 9th (spirituality), ruling my 12th (unknown) and my 3rd (travel and correspondence).

I learned in middle school that my only way into a social life was to have skills people wanted. Despite going to a church for over a year I didn't really get invited to anything until people spotted the designs I doodled my arms to help with social anxiety. I started getting invited to hang out with people to doodle the designs on them. I did this through high school.

In college, it was tarot and that's continued into my adult life. People forget I fucking exist until they want a free tarot reading. I'm just burnt out. Because being useful is not a deep connection for me. It's nice but it's not socially reciprocal. It's really just having me pay for socialization with my skill. And it makes it feel like there's no point in be beyond that skill.

I took a break from social media last year and I had one person even attempt to keep in touch with me off of it. It stung. I appreciate my online only relationships but they're not terribly close either. I orbit their lives, I'm not really a part of them.

I don't know. I just feel something fundamentally shifting.

I regularly find myself wishing I could just erase myself from people's memories. I thought I would regret not trying more but I deeply wish I'd tried less in most relationships and friendships. Thinking of my current friends doesn't make me happy; thinking of them feels like when you loose a tooth and your tongue won't pressing on the spot to see if it's still sore. I think I'm approaching something like painful resignation to my lot, a visceral understanding that closeness with other people just isn't in the cards.

But there's also a resentment boiling. Not that I'm like entitled to friends or anything but rather that I feel like I'm being forced to become what other people often seemed like they wanted me to be, something I never saw anyone else be - emotionally self-sufficient, physically self-reliant, and generally distant. When people have perceived me this way, they seemed to like me more. I guess because it's easy to like someone who needs nothing from you and prefers your absence.

And it's the last thing I want to be, but it feels like there's really no choice - it's the only way to cope with the consistent and overwhelming degree to which I'm socially isolated.

It is a little funny though - if I'm able to find any humor in the situation at all - that I often felt like people preferred this version of me because they didn't feel comfortable with how high my expectations were for people, which weren't in the grand scheme of things that high - how dare I want to be understood and occasionally thought of? I guess they thought I wouldn't expect as much from them if I didn't like them.

But as I move toward this version of myself I never truly wanted, my bar for acceptable company only gets higher and higher. I don't like them because I expect better of people I spend regular time with. So jokes on them I guess.

I think part of why I feel such deep pain about this is at least in part because I do not have a model for a meaningful life without those fruitful connections with others I can't seem to make happen. The closest I can come to that are probably monastic communities but even they, crucially, live in a community.

So it doesn't feel like just giving up on a dream. It feels like giving up on a core part of a good life. And I'm really at a loss with what to do about any of it.

Who knows. Maybe I'll reread this later and like damn, Marz, you're mopey. But maybe later I'll look back and go yeah you were onto something. Time to change.

[a-photo-of-a-ghost]

I don’t know if it’s because I’m autistic or just stupid but I realized just yesterday that you can hang out with people for just like. A short amount of time. I did not know this. Because I DIDN’T KNOW PEOPLE WILL LEAVE.

I was on the phone with my girlfriend yesterday and we were talking about plans to hang out and he said something about how we only ever hang out for like long amounts of time on the weekend and only do like structured activities and never just hang out after school for a bit and they would like to see me more during the week and I was like what. And they were like, yknow like get a drink and be together for like a bit then go home. And I was like “... you can do that ???” Keep in mind we have been dating for over a year and a half now and I am nearly a senior in high school. He was baffled and didn’t believe I never knew this😭 but they said it makes a lot of things make sense. See, whenever they would ask me to hang out after school I’d be like “no I can’t, I have homework/I’m tired” or something like that, because in my mind I would have to be with them for hours, because “hanging out” is like, you have to do stuff together and it’s like for a long time. In my head it’s an all-day thing. And apparently THEY were always confused because they didn’t know why I couldn’t just hang for a bit and then go home. I JUST GENUINELY DIDN’T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION OR SOMETHING I COULD DO. Again, I am autistic and also part Japanese (my mom is the embodiment of Japanese hospitality to my friends and stuff lmao) so I CANNOT ASK PEOPLE TO LEAVE, and I can’t ask people directly WHEN they will leave, because that sounds rude and mean and I have to be hospitable and I need to act like I never want that person to leave yknow ?? And in my mind, I cannot anticipate when they will leave when they just ask to hang out, and in my mind hanging out means going somewhere and going back to my house and watching something or whatever until the other person HAS to leave, like past nightfall. In my mind hanging out is an all-day thing and for the longest amount of time as one can stay (even though I don’t want to stay for that long I assume the other person wants to). I have such anxiety that people just won’t leave and I can’t TELL THEM to leave- but I DIDNT KNOW YOU CAN JUST HANG OUT AND THE PERSON WILL LEAVE AND ALSO THAT YOU C A N ASK THEM TO LEAVE. LIKE YOU CAN BE LIKE “let’s go to the bakery and get a snack” and then you do and you part ways and that’s the entirety of the hanging out ????? And like I literally wanted to do things like that but I would never be the one to want to initiate suggesting leaving because then it would seem like I don’t want to hang out with them?? And I can’t anticipate if they will leave when I expect them to or if they expect me to invite them over afterwards and I just didn’t knowww. And this wasn’t even like a super conscious thing, until my girlfriend pointed it out to me. Whenever someone asks to hang out I always thought they’re going to stay forever and it stresses me out and I don’t think I’ll have the social battery for it but apparently people will leave, you guys😭 And my poor poor sweet girlfriend just assumed I didn’t want to hang out with them much or something😭 so today me and my girlfriend DID go to the bakery and got drinks and cupcakes and sat and ate and watched clips of Say Yes To The Dress and then left and it was lovely, but yesterday on the phone when I confessed how I stress over how if you agree to hang out with someone you basically have to be prepared for them to never leave, and they realized that I did not know you could do this, we were both laughing so hard we were like crying and couldn’t breathe. Anywayss PLEASE tell me I’m not the only person

[hoe-imaginess]

just Hawks things

commissioned by anonymous. vaguely smutty hcs included 

True Bird Hours: he sleeps most comfortably sitting up with his wings fluffed and folded snugly around him, so he can nuzzle his face into them for the warmth

Yes when he’s got his boo with him, they are also invited to snuggle up in his wings

More birdie things bc why not:

He has an unconscious habit of picking through your hair: brushing fingers through it, fiddling with little pieces, nuzzling his face against it. He’s trying to preen you ok. Please let him. If you are not preened at least once a day… he has not done his job 

He also unconsciously fluffs his wings out and makes them a little bigger, more noticeable, when he’s flirting/talking to someone he finds particularly attractive. The bird instinct in him is screaming SHOW OFF YOUR WINGS SHOW OFF YOUR FEATHERS SHOW OFF YOUR PRETTY COLOR MMmmmm plsss look at this plumage bb

But he snaps out of it when he realizes what he’s doing because… omg it’s so embarrassing 

His sharp eyes also hone in and out when he’s looking at you because oof he is FIXATED on you. He likes what he sees he is looking DIRECTLY 

If you’re angry at him and lock yourself in the bathroom, he sits outside the door like awww come on babe. Don’t be like that. *slips a feather under the door to tickle you*

After a long day of hero work when he comes home to see you, he has either two moods when he gets into bed with you: he knocks tf out, or he can’t stfu 

You’ll really be out here trying to get some sleep and he is just running his mouth about all the hero work he had that day, how windy it was, how annoying one of his sidekicks was being—

Those intimate little forehead touches where you just… sit there and relax and simply exist together, eyes closed as you breathe in each other’s presence….. big Hawks mood. He feels so connected to you. He loves it

He doesn’t get jealous very often; he’s too busy for that and he knows how badly jealousy can spiral and ruin a relationship

But when he is jealous and feeling particularly beat up about it, he staves it off by keeping busy with hero work: something to take his mind off of the problem, so that he can think more rationally on it later

He simps for you so hard if you give him a massage. Hero work is tough ya know. He’s got a lot of tension in those shoulders and on his back. I mean, those wings are working overtime all day. Knead out all those knots in his muscles and oof you are getting his unmatched appreciation… and possibly his dick (because yeah, massages… get him really hard really fast)

He’s such a kisser. Kissing fiend. Serial kisser. Forehead kisses, nose kisses, NECK KISSES, throat kisses, hand kisses, thigh kisses (especially what‘s between your thighs)

He also cannot keep his teeth off of you: lots of nibbling and playful gnawing where he knows you’re most sensitive

That being said he tries REALLY hard not to leave hickies even though SHIT he really wants to sometimes. Sucking on that sensitive skin just below your ear reallllllllly gets him going. He wants to latch on and suck and bite while pressed up against you and just… wants to mark you up… whew it’s a struggle not to. His restraint is commendable 

Oh and yes he WILL kiss your toes

Let him worship those feet and ankles alright 

I’m not done talking about his kisses ok he’s such… a kissing expert. It’s unfair 

You want slow, intimate, tentative kisses that get your body hot and tingly and anxious for more? He will deliver. He loves lazy makeouts, and the little teasing nip he gives to your bottom lip just kajshkfjhsd delicious

But oh, you want hungry, desperate, wet kisses too? Yes please. He knows exactly what he’s doing. No awkward lip-sucking and no awkward tongue-poking in your mouth; he takes the lead until you’re dizzy from just the kisses alone. And his hands are running all over you while he’s doing it. You don’t even know how he’s giving you so much attention because you can barely think of anything but his lips on you, let alone put your own hands to work. When you try to reciprocate and reach for his pants you’re fumbly and clumsy because damn his kisses are literally breath-taking. It’s okay though, he’ll take care of everything. King of multi-tasking

Just imagine him giving you little nibbling kisses along your jawline until he moves back up to your lips, and bites the bottom one gently while looking into your eyes skjdhkjdhgd

Hawks is very sorry but marriage is not really on his agenda any time soon, if ever. Just being your man is enough for him

In fact, please tell people he’s your man. Boyfriend, partner, lover, booty call… yeah those are fine too

But your man? God… He finds that… extremely fcking hot

He has home-cooked meals like twice a year. He does NOT have the time. Honestly he wishes he did have more time, because there’s only so much on-the-go street food he can manage before he starts getting sick of it. No matter how delicious it is 

So if you happen to catch him when he’s free and wrangle him down for dinner, he’s shook. He feels absolutely PAMPERED when you cook for him. The food makes him drool but so does your cute ass cooking for him DAMN he feels so… he feels so Domestic™

You might need to… shoot him a text when you’re cooking next time so he can zoom by and grab a plate through your window. Domestic Fast Food. Give him that Scone App the Beef shit please he’s taking your food to go and he will bring the tupperware back later ok

His sidekicks look at him like… wtf?? when he returns to patrol with food. They’re like… Hawks, where did you get that? Where did you even go??

Him slurping his spaghetti: Uhhhhhhh sorry but I’m not sharing this

Oof it’s so hard for him when he’s missing you

He’s so horribly busy he’ll go weeks without so much as seeing your face. Every time he finds some spare time to go see you, even if it’s just twenty minutes, something comes up. He loves spending time with you but hero work has to come first

And forget keeping up through text or call. Sometimes he doesn’t have time for that either. Makes him feel like an asshole, and he gets these little pangs of anxiety when he thinks that you’ll start resenting him for his career, that you’ll start feeling neglected

He would definitely understand if that made you want to end the relationship though. It’s gonna hurt, but if that’s what you need, he understands—because those little pangs of anxiety aren’t just because he thinks you might leave him, but because he doesn’t want you to feel like you aren’t worth it

You are, you’re absolutely worth it and you’re absolutely a good and wonderful person. And he doesn’t want you to think otherwise just because he can’t give you what you deserve. Don’t let his busy lifestyle make you feel invalid because damnit he thinks you’re so valid and he tries so hard to let you know that

That being said… sorry, but he forgets birthdays sometimes

Doesn’t snore, even when he’s utterly exhausted, but just… sighs…. very cute-like

Otherwise he’s dead silent when he’s asleep, it’s almost scary. He’s alert at all times. Very light sleeper

One sound and he is 👁👄👁 awake

Lost his shit when he discovered snapchat filters because omg they’re so fun

When it comes to how soon he says I love you, it really depends

He falls fast and hard, which really throws him for a loop because he’s a composed and rational guy otherwise

He doesn’t have so much pride that he won’t tell you he loves you when he knows he means it. It’s just a matter of when he’s prepared to tell you

He doesn’t have one preferred nickname for you. He just has… so many. It’s like he spins a wheel every morning to decide what he’s going to call you

Sweetheart, honey, hon’, babe, baby, sweet thing, a simple girl/boy

The baby bird, chickadee, chick stuff is reserved for when he wants to see that sour, unamused look on your face because god they’re such corny nicknames and he knows it 

Rainy days suck because they weigh his feathers down, make his wings harder to flap and thus all the more difficult to get around with. His quirk is next to useless when there’s heavy rain so he’s out of commission the whole day. Just sulks around his agency until the weather clears 

But days of light showers are nice! Hawks loves giving his wings a little sprinkle, just a little cleanse. It’s so cute when he shakes the wings to dry them out

The first time he gets his heart broken… oof

He’s very socially adept due to his hero training. He’s also well-versed in flirting because that’s just part of the charisma he needs as a hero. Unfair as it might be he’s also not above charming people to get what he wants

But actual, truthful, organic romance?… He’s a little lost on that 

So when he finds somebody he really comes to love, only for that love to be taken away, he’s completely floored. It rattles him and it’s a brutal reminder of the dangers of getting emotionally involved with other people when he’s got such a complicated, demanding life. The heartache is too much and he can’t focus and he hates it

It eats at him for a long time. Something’s changed. He doesn’t take sentiment for granted anymore. He comes to fully respect—also resent—the way love can utterly change perspective

Romantically inept as he may be sometimes, he’s… still an absolute SIMP of a man 

Do not ever talk down to yourself when he’s around because he goes full cheerleader mode

He just wants to encourage you to find some of that self-love okay he thinks you’re fuckn PRECIOUS and DESERVING and AMAZING—how can you not see that you’re all those things???

He’s so proud when you start sticking up for yourself, or when you speak your mind. Even if it’s small, stupid things like actually telling the waiter that he brought you the wrong food instead of meekly going oh… ok… I guess I can eat this instead

like NO!! STICK UP FOR YOURSELF BABY!! He wants you to be the BEST you

And when he asks you “What do you feel like doing today?”, don’t even think about pulling some “Whatever you want to do, Hawks” bs on him because NOPE. Tell him what YOU want. Please don’t be afraid to have a voice ok because he loves it when you’re confident and clear with what you want

[twothumbsandnostakeincanon]

Little bit sick, little bit sleep deprived, but above all desperately in sudden need of a Corpse Bride au, but with polyamory like the original SHOULD have ended.

Like say the Argents are the old money family, whose money has actually run out after Gerard dumped all of it into hunting. It’s left Chris with nothing to give his daughter.

The Stilinskis are nouveau riche, and good people. John offers to help out Chris, possibly lend him money for stable investments that might help. Chris is embarrassed but grateful. Victoria is ashamed and suspicious.

She insists that the deal can only go through with a marriage of their children to ensure that the fates of their families are intertwined. John won’t be able to pull the money out from under them without it effecting his own son negatively.

Chris is 100% against it, ready to say absolutely not, but Allison steps in. She knows what their financial sitation is. Their house is falling apart around them. She’s willing to do whatever has to be done to save them.

John, for his part, is shocked by the request. He offered his help, and now they’re asking for his son? He’s ready to say no, to condemn Victoria’s interference, but Stiles, like Allison, steps in.

The Argents need help. Stiles is under no illusions as to how most marriages work. His parents’ was one of the very few that began for love rather than economic reasons. He’s never met Allison, but has heard enough about her from their social circles to think they’ll make passable partners. There’s really no reason to say no, especially not if it will save her family from poverty.

The arrangement is made, and they meet. It goes better than anyone could have hoped, honestly. Stiles is happy to find Allison clever and engaging, and Allison is relieved to find that Stiles seems to be very encouraging of her sportsmanship. It certainly doesn’t hurt that they make a gorgeous pair.

It’s not love at first sight, but it could easily grow into something beautiful.

The ceremony is rushed, what with a rather immediate need for money. The invitations are sent out to family and friends- the McCalls, the Hales, the Martins- but almost no one will be able to arrive until the day of the wedding. Luckily at least one family member is able to make it for the rehearsal dinner.

Allison always was a favorite of Aunt Kate.

Stiles is nervous, though. His ADHD doesn’t do memorization very well, and he cannot, for the fucking life of him, remember his vows. Despite quiet encouragement from Allison, the anxiety starts to overwhelm him and he has to step outside for a moment between courses.

He paces in the woods just out of sight for a bit, trying to remember the words.

“Your cup- this cup- ah fuck.”

He gives up and pulls the little sheet of paper out of the pocket, reciting the whole thing from beginning to end.

“With this hand I will lift your sorrows

Your cup will never be empty, for I will be your wine.

With this candle, I will light your way into darkness.

With this ring, I ask you to be mine.”

A sudden howl of wind tears through the grove of trees he stands in. Dead leaves swirl around him, and the ground beneath his feet begins to move, rolling as if it were being pulled like the tide. Stiles falls on his back.

A figure appears before him, a half decayed body dressed in a tattered suit, the space between exposed ribs showing the starry sky behind him.

“I do, darling.”

Stiles wakes up in a bar in the underworld. Convenient, as he’s honestly never been more prepared for a drink in his life. It’s too bad all of the drinks are for a deader liver than his.

The handsome corpse- can a corpse be handsome? Stiles spends a moment on the question, and decides that finding a corpse handsome is probably the least of the things he should be worrying about right now.

The corpse, who is by at least some definition handsome, introduces himself as Peter, and then turns around and immediately starts introducing Stiles as his husband.

“Uh, sir? Excuse me sir?”

“Oh ‘sir’ is it?” Peter says with a sinful smile and a raised eyebrow. “I can work with that.”

“No- I mean maybe- Wait, no, I can’t be your husband! I’m about to be someone else’s husband!”

“But you’re already mine,” Peter points out. “You asked and I said yes.”

“I wasn’t talking to you, I was just-“ Stiles waves a vague hand, “-talking.”

Peter frowns a little.

“But I said yes. We’re married now.” He shrugs a little, as if it’s no consequence. “I suppose if you’re really attached to them, they can be our husband too.”

“Wife,” Stiles corrects, wondering how a dead man is steering this conversation so successfully when he doesn’t even have all of his finger bones.

“Oh a wife! I’m not picky. It’s good to have variety.”

Meanwhile, above ground, Allison knows something must have happened to Stiles. Her mother is convinced that this is just the Stilinski’s trying to ruin their family name, and Chris is desperately trying to keep the peace between her on the warpath and John freaking out over his missing son. Allison tries to slip out with her bow to track him, but Kate catches her.

“You should stay here,” she says, guiding Allison back to her room. “Who knows what your mother will think if you disappear too?”

Allison argues, tries to reason with her, but before long she’s back in her room, listening to the lock of the door click behind her.

Frankly she’s shocked that Kate would take such an attitude about this. She’s always been supportive of Allison’s archery and tracking. Maybe even too supportive, because Kate’s attempts to stop Allison have zero affect on her. It’s just ten minutes later that Allison disappears into the woods after climbing out her window and down the side of the house.

Kate, meanwhile, is just thrilled that she doesn’t have to come up with her own diversion. The chaos of the missing fiancé will provide the perfect cover for her to intercept the Hales before they arrive, and finish killing them off.

Underground, Stiles discovers that if he listens closely, Peter reveals a lot in the spaces between words. Eventually Peter admits that he has to have a True Love Up Top in order to visit the living. And he has one very, very important visit to make.

“She promised to elope with your nephew, and then tried to murder him?” Stiles whispers, shocked.

“Wolfsbane,” Peter answers grimly, and to be honest, werewolves have been the most acceptable surprise Stiles has suffered today. “He got away. I didn’t.”

“Shit.”

They’re both silent for a minute.

The Stiles says, “Alright, well what are we waiting for? Let’s go kill her.”

Peter falls a little bit in actual love then.

When they get to Elder Gutknecht, Peter proudly lifts up his hand, showing off the ring rattling around the bone there, and says, “Gotta pop up for a bit and visit the in-laws!”

Elder Gutknecht peers closely at Stiles (who is trying not to think too hard about the purpose of glasses for a skeleton) and says, “What the hell have you done now, Peter.”

“You said I had to have a True Love who was still alive!” Peter says, stubborn. “This is my True Love, Stiles. The truest love. We’re married, even. That’s how in True Love we are. And he’s alive. Send us up, Gutknecht.” There’s more than a touch of threat to his tone by the end.

Elder Gutknecht, who was not prepared for this in seminary and honestly thought there would be more clouds and wings in his afterlife, says, “Fuck it. Drink this. You have 12 hours.”

Moments later, they’re standing in the grove where Stiles recited his vows on accident. Allison immediately drops down from a tree, bow pointed directly at Peter.

“Step away from my fiancé,” she growls, sounding utterly threatening and wolf-like in her own right.

“Oh, is this our wife?” Peter asks, delighted.

“Ally, where’s your Aunt Kate?” Stiles rushes to ask, stepping between them.

Allison lowers her bow, confused.

“She’s back at the house,” she says slowly. “At least I think so. She locked me in my room and I had to sneak out.”

Peter’s lost his sense of smell with the degrading of his body, but he still has other senses to rely on.

He hears coaches and horses.

Familiar coaches and horses.

His family is arriving.

Peter takes off running through the woods, Allison hot on his heels, not at all convinced that she doesn’t need to shoot him. Stiles falls behind, but manages to keep them in his sight.

Up ahead, Kate is lying in wait with wolfsbane smoke bombs, ready to disrupt the coaches and massacre the beasts within. Or she was ready, before her brother discovered her.

“Kate, you can’t do this,” he says through gritted teeth. “It’s murder. This is how our father destroyed our family.”

“It’s not murder to kill a wild animal,” she says, neither listening nor caring. The coaches appear. She throws a smoke bomb and opens fire. Peter hears everything from the tree line as he barrels toward them, and Allison sees what her Aunt has done.

Chris tries to tackle her but only succeeds in knocking her aim astray. The Hales are stumbling out of their coaches now, coughing and choking. Talia is trying to gather her betas, trying to asses the danger, but suddenly she sees the image of her dead brother and wonders if maybe they’ve already lost to whatever attacked them.

Then her brother leaps at a woman on the side of the road and rips her throat out.

Maybe not a ghostly spectre after all.

It’s all a bit of a Business™ after that.

Explanations are had, both past and present. Peter rushes things along a bit, because he only has like 11 hours left now and it’s going to take at least 9 to do the necromantic ritual that will bring him back to life, suck on that Elder Gutknecht.

Chris explains to Allison about their family’s hunting history. The Hales explain to Chris exactly what Kate had done. Stiles explains how he accidentally got married. Peter explains again that he really has to get moving now.

In the end, Stiles and Allison still get married. Peter is in attendance with the rest of the Hales, and at the reception somehow manages to get the second dance with both the bride and the groom.

He doesn’t give the ring back. He manages to get a third matching one in time for the ceremony though.

[bestworstcase]

#I'm so happy to see someone articulate #why Raps pulling rank in RatGT was so damaging and hurtful #b/c I often see that scene framed as a#''she's coming into her authority and role as queen!''#but it never sat right w/ me and I couldn't pin why

so these are some of @pnumbra-rbs​’s tags on this post and while it’s a bit tangential to the point of that post i do have sOmE tHoUgHtS about that framing of the scene in the great tree, bc i also see that take floating around now and then and it always makes me go hrm.

broadly speaking, rapunzel’s character arc in rta does indeed involve coming into her authority. she enters the story as a socially-stunted, naive person struggling to grasp basic social norms like “don’t touch people without permission,” and she exits it as a competent, compassionate ruler who is comfortable and content in her role as the leader of her country.

but narrowing our focus down to just the argument in the great tree, it just... is not correct to say that this is the moment when rapunzel steps into her power or begins to come into her own as a princess and future queen. it is Rapunzel Making A Big Mistake, and the narrative intends for it to be taken as such. 

let’s break this down. first, why is it a mistake? well.

is publicly yelling at a subordinate good leadership? is it a healthy, productive use of authority?

consider the argument in RATGT from this perspective for a moment. strip out all the emotional context surrounding the argument, and at the core of it what we have here is a disagreement over the safety of the group. adira’s position is that the group is exhausted and must rest, regardless of the fact that they are in enemy territory. cassandra’s position is that the great tree is too dangerous to make the benefits of stopping to rest worthwhile, and they must press on until they find a safer location.

both are somewhat valid perspectives. hector is likely to catch up to them regardless of what they do, and it’s better to fight well-rested on chosen ground than to be caught off guard when you’re tired. adira doesn’t spell it out, but her plan is basically to get some rest, then stand and fight at the top of the tree when, not if, hector catches up. meanwhile, cassandra’s plan is to get out of the tree as fast as they can and hope that hector doesn’t catch up with them until after they escape. who’s right? it depends on your estimation of the threats posed by hector and by the great tree itself.

(personally, i’m with cass on this one. a high ledge in enemy territory that has already proven to be very dangerous in its own right is not ground i would ever choose as a battlefield unless i had absolutely no other choice. and while everyone is tired after a long day, i like the benefit-to-risk ratio of taking a few minutes to stretch, drink some water, and eat some food before pressing on a lot better than the benefit-to-risk ratio of stopping here for the night and staking everything on a battle in this location.)

now... cass doesn’t handle herself well in this argument. at all. i think she, unlike the rest of the group, is picking up the subtext of adira’s proposal (that they will fight hector here), but rather than rationally express her concerns, she goes off on a paranoia-fueled rant accusing adira of wanting to get them all killed. she comes off as hysterical and unhinged because she’s speaking out of frustration, stress, and exhaustion. her behavior is absolutely inappropriate. 

for rapunzel, as the leader, what is the correct way to handle this situation? 

good leadership is not just about making choices. it’s not just about the judgment calls. it is about management. which means that as a leader, if a member of your team is having an emotional outburst like cass, you cannot respond in kind. it sucks and it’s kind of unfair, but them’s the breaks.

in this situation, an Ideal Good Leader would a) perceive that this paranoid outburst is coming from a place of real concern, and b) respond to it with the intention of pulling out the underlying meaning. eg: “i see that you’re upset, and i’m trying to understand. what’s going on? / where’s your head at? / where is this coming from?”

in canon, rapunzel’s actual response is “come on, cass, listen to yourself,” which is an invalidating (and somewhat condescending) statement that makes cass feel unheard, so cass gets more upset. the situation escalates. by comparison, Ideal Good Leader’s statement directly acknowledges cassandra’s distress and invites her to explain her reasoning. this would help to lower cassandra’s anxiety (by showing her that her concerns are being heard), which would enable her to better articulate her real point.

thus, the emotional side of the argument is defused, and a productive conversation becomes possible. perhaps a compromise (such as stopping for a few minutes to recharge and have a quick meal) could be reached, or else rapunzel can do her own cost-benefit analysis of adira’s proposal versus cass’s and make a reasoned decision about what they should do. cass feels heard, no one’s feelings get hurt, and rapunzel makes her choice based on what she thinks the safest course of action is, instead of angrily defaulting to the opposite of what cassandra thinks they should do.

and thus, there’s no need for an “i’m going to be queen, i’ll make choices you don’t like, and i need you to be okay with that” conversation—because, in this scenario where rapunzel makes good, healthy use of her authority, cassandra wouldn’t leave this conflict feeling hurt. she isn’t upset, in canon, because raps didn’t do exactly what she said to do; she’s upset because she got shot down pretty brutally and she feels like rapunzel doesn’t value her insight, advice, or judgment. if rapunzel had given her the space to calm down, feel heard, and feel like she was allowed to contribute to the conversation re: what to do, i think cass would’ve truly been okay with whatever rapunzel ultimately decided to do.

but of course, rapunzel isn’t an Ideal Good Leader, she’s rapunzel, and she’s still in a place where she doesn’t grasp the full reality of her own authority, and she’s thinking of cassandra as her friend, not as her subordinate. so she escalates the situation by mistake and we get... what we get, in canon. cass ends up demoralized, their friendship is permanently damaged, and the battle with hector goes predictably badly, with cassandra sustaining a horrific, debilitating injury in the process. (this, btw, is fundamentally why rapunzel is at fault for cassandra’s injury. it’s not about the spear vs incantation decision; it’s about this decision, this disagreement, the way she handles this fight.)

and second... how is this framed by the narrative?

well... our first clear signal that we are not meant to see this as anything but rapunzel making a big mistake is that the show explicitly draws a parallel between her behavior here to gothel’s behavior at the beginning of tangled. in tangled, gothel screams “Enough with the lights, Rapunzel!” with the intention of shutting rapunzel down and browbeating her into submission. in RATGT, rapunzel screams “Enough, Cassandra!” because she’s frustrated and upset and cass is acting irrational—but the emotional effect this has on cassandra is the same as the emotional effect gothel’s calculated outburst had on rapunzel in tangled. it’s an abuse of authority in both cases. 

and on top of that, look at how the group reacts—not to cassandra’s outburst, but to rapunzel’s: 

they’re all shocked, unhappy, and uncomfortable, because this is... a shocking, upsetting, uncomfortable thing to witness. (have you ever been on the sidelines while your boss or a teacher singled out a coworker/fellow student to yell at them? yeah.) and when cassandra looks to them for support, none of them say anything... because rapunzel is the princess and if this is how she wants to handle this conflict then, well, that’s her prerogative and they’re just going to cringe and grimace on cassandra’s behalf instead of sticking up for her. 

and of course, no punches are pulled in illustrating how deeply this harms cassandra herself. we see how upset she is in the moment, we see how subdued she becomes when rapunzel comes to talk to her, we see the smile she forces when rapunzel signals that she isn’t interested in hearing cassandra’s feelings, and of course, this is what triggers “waiting in the wings,” which is a song all about cassandra’s pain—how she feels overlooked, neglected, unvalued, and unheard.

logistically speaking, this argument is a lot more complex than “cassandra right, rapunzel and adira wrong.” and emotionally, rapunzel’s reasons for reacting the way she does are perfectly understandable; it’s her first time ever dealing with a situation like this, she’s still muddling through leadership with no idea what she’s doing, and hearing cassandra call her “obliviously naive” was probably legitimately triggering because, hey, what did gothel always call her!

(though i tend to think that the point cass intended to make before raps cut her off was “what do you mean you can’t do that? are you so naive that you can’t see that you’re in charge? of course you can do that!” vs what i think rapunzel and a lot of the fandom took it as, ie cass saying rapunzel is naive for trusting adira. i like interpreting it that way because it dovetails so neatly with everything else happening in this argument re: rapunzel’s authority.)

but... despite this, the narrative expects us to sympathize with cass here. not because she’s right (her underlying concern is legitimate, but her argument as she presents it is... not right), not because her behavior is appropriate (it’s not), but rather because rapunzel’s leadership in this situation is terrible, exacerbates the conflict, and harms cassandra emotionally. 

and as for rapunzel’s growth into her role as leader, this... is kind of another queen for a day moment. in QFAD, rapunzel experiences a difficult choice for the first time: she is forced to weigh the plea of one person she has a personal relationship with against hundreds or thousands of people who are looking to her for leadership in a time of crisis. and in QFAD, she makes the hard, but right, choice by prioritizing the needs of the many. 

and in RATGT, rapunzel is introduced to another common type of crisis that leaders must be able to handle: an emotionally-fraught interpersonal conflict between two of her advisors which she, as the leader, must mediate. and unlike in QFAD, this time, rapunzel bungles it—and sees the consequences play out in vivid detail. RATGT is a vital learning experience for rapunzel. she couldn’t grow into the kind of leader she becomes over the course of s3 without making the mistake she makes in RATGT. and that’s why it just doesn’t make sense to say that this incident is rapunzel “coming into her authority”—because she’s not, she’s making a mess of things and then dealing with the messy, confusing, hurtful fallout of having done so.

[altik-0]

Personal Revelation

I've spent the last two weeks trying to figure out how to write this post, but my mind has felt like it's tumbling around a washing machine and trying to figure out how to straighten my thoughts into a coherent message has felt impossible. But I'm driving myself crazy continuing to hold off on saying something, so I'm going to just rip off the bandage now, and we can talk in more depth after the cut.

Hi! 👋 I'm Asexual and Aromantic! Let's talk about it.

Where to even start

This month has been a fucking trip.

On the one hand, this has been the fourth month of nearly continuous quarantine for the COVID-19 pandemic. On the other, the end of May was the spark that began a wildfire of protests against police brutality that have swept across the country, including the seemingly milquetoast land of Salt Lake City. I found myself simultaneously figuring out the umpteenth way to keep myself entertained while being in home nearly uninterrupted for over 90 days, while also desperately searching for the courage to exit my home and join the marches against injustice.

And in the background of all of this, it was Pride Month.

On the 12th, a Youtube creator I follow released a video about their experience discovering themselves as non-binary. You should watch it, but what is important for the sake of this post is that the bulk of the video is an asynchronous telling of various moments throughout their life that, in reflection, show them that "[they] were who [they] are now, back then". These moments form a tapestry that tell a story of self discovery, and the result is incredibly powerful.

They released a rough cut about a week earlier for Patreon supporters, and I was immediately transfixed. I watched it three times in a row on the first day it was uploaded. I watched it twice more after the release. Hell, when I pulled this video up now to get the share link I couldn't help but sit and watch through it all over again.

At first I didn't really know why I felt so attached to this piece in particular. Yet still, I spent multiple nights laying awake for hours in what felt like a dreamlike haze at the time. It took three nights like this for me to realize I had spent all this time reflecting on my own past moments, and revisiting them through the lens this video had shared with me.

How I got here

It is September 2005. I am currently at a school dance. I know I am supposed to be finding someone to dance with and enjoy that for some reason, but all I want to do is go home. I might consider mustering up some courage and just asking someone, anyone, to dance, if it weren't for the fact that I still didn't have any friends. Instead, I feel trapped, wandering up and down the side wall, waiting for it to be over so I can finally leave. I stumble across a small group also sitting on the sides; a girl reading manga, and another playing Yu-Gi-Oh! with a boy across from her. I approach: "I didn't realize anyone still played this" They invite me to join, and soon I find myself with genuine friends at school for the first time in years. I never think about asking someone to dance again.

It is the summer of 2017. I am at a bar with some coworkers at the end of the week. I don't drink, but I've opened myself up to joining people for happy hour because it feels like a good way to socialize, and I've genuinely enjoyed getting to know folks. My team lead makes a comment that he feels it's impossible for a man and a woman to ever have a friendly relationship without having some element of sexual tension between them. I rebuff this comment -- initially I feel a sense of feminist frustration at the concept, as if it is implicitly saying that men and women should not work together. As the conversation continues, I realize the real reason I feel so sure this is wrong is because I have never felt this way toward anyone I've worked with.

It is the summer of 2008. I am in church, listening to the new instructor for my Sunday school class shift the discussion towards politics. Since he began, every lesson without fail will eventually derail into right-wing screeds. For him, any issue that is even vaguely left-leaning is a potential avenue for Satan to take hold of you: feminism, activism, even environmentalism. But lately he has had a particular fixation on the topic of gay marriage, and it is beginning to take a toll on my mental health. Being in these classes, hearing a man in a position of authority repeatedly say "it is not that we shouldn't love these people, but we need to still understand that they are committing a sin" has become physically painful to listen to. Of course, I am not queer, just an ally -- I can only imagine how painful this must be for those who are directly affected. I will nearly pass out from exhaustion and anxiety during sacrament meeting a few hours later.

It is February 2020. I am out to lunch with a friend and coworker. I have just recently changed jobs after less than a year, because I was hopelessly miserable at my last one. It should have been a dream job, marrying two of my closest passions, but instead I felt suffocated by being in a world where everyone seemed indifferent towards me at best, or actively hated me at worst. My friend invited me to join this job, and although it is a miserable job, I find solace in being able to go to lunch and have genuine conversations with someone I get along with. He mentions his wife is pregnant, and the stress of tending for his current child while she is resting. I acknowledge the frustration, though somewhat awkwardly since I am still single. "Oh, yeah, I sometimes forget you aren't married yet, haha. Well, don't worry, you'll get to join in on the fun soon enough!" I want to say "I very much doubt that"; instead I say "Well, I guess we'll see." The conversation does not feel so genuine anymore.

It is January 2009. I am watching House M.D. with my dad. We bond a lot while watching tv. We're both avid fans of MST3K, and we are invariably the obnoxious people in a movie theater a few rows down cracking jokes throughout the film. It feels fun and rebellious, even if we're doing it at home where nobody will be annoyed. This episode starts with Foreman and Thirteen waking up together in bed after clearly spending the night together. My dad cracks a joke about how "they're going to get in trouble, since they aren't married!" I quip back "nah, it's not a big deal, they just slept together, haha." My dad pauses the show and turns to me, deadly serious: "Who told you that was okay?!" I am a deer in headlights. I suddenly realize that I meant "slept together" literally, but nobody else uses it that way. I don't understand how I missed that.

It is October 2010. I am at home, speaking with my mother after coming home from school. She has always been a political firebrand, and especially after I left the church and started college the two of us have connected on this a lot. She has just read an article that mentioned the expanded acronym "LGBTQIA", and says she doesn’t know what all the "I" and "A" refer to. I don't yet know what the "I" refers to, but I suggest the "A" is probably for "asexual". She says she hadn't heard of asexuality, though that does make sense. I realize I don't recall hearing about asexuality before either. I don't actually know if anyone identifies like that. It just somehow feels like something that must exist.

It is the spring of 2007. I am at a local game store playing at a Friday Night Magic event for the first time. I suffer from very extreme social anxiety, and I spent the entire week a ball of nervous energy. Despite myself, I have managed to drive myself to the event and register. I have promised myself dozens of times over that I already knew Magic players were people similar to me, so there was no reason to worry. My first match is against someone wearing a frilly dress, cat ears, and tail. She mews at me several times while playing. On the surface I have frozen and only robotically go through motions of playing the game because my anxiety has boiled over to the point that I cannot quite function properly. Inside, I am filled with pure delight at realizing that someone could feel comfortable expressing themselves that openly in a space like this. I eventually become friends with this person who I will later learn is trans -- I had never met a trans person before. I will become close friends with three more trans people, at least two enbies, and countless other queer people over the next decade of playing this wonderful game.

It is November 2019. I am at work, sitting at my desk, feeling completely numb despite starting the day energetic to the point of mania. I've just had an argument with a close friend -- perhaps the closest friend I've ever had -- and it ended... poorly, to put it mildly. So poorly, in fact, that it is safe to say we are just not friends anymore. The reality was that there were always problems between us, and this was a culmination of conflict that never really got effectively resolved. It might not have even been possible to resolve. In the moment, though, I cannot escape the suffocating feeling that I am a failure as a human being; someone who simply does not know how to maintain a relationship. My mind goes through loops of how I could have said something differently to have it end better. The emotional pain will not fully make sense to me until several months later, when I realize this was the closest thing to a break-up that I've ever experienced.

It is January 2012. I am watching House M.D. with my dad again. Since leaving the church, watching shows like this has been a desperate lifeline for our relationship. We don't joke as much anymore. This episode features a side plot with an asexual couple, who House determines is simply impossible, and uses his power of supreme logic to prove the asexuality wasn't real all along. I have heard of asexuality, though I don't know where or when, so I am angry at this. Of course, as an ally. I want to joke with my dad to release some frustration, but he is still in the church, and I don’t think he will empathize. I stay silent, and do not enjoy this episode.

It is December 2019. I am scrolling through a Discord channel I was invited to from one of the leftist creators I follow. This community has been a breath of fresh air in many ways, and one I found surprisingly helpful was an NSFW adult content chat channel where people are open about sex, fetishes, and more. I've considered myself fairly open-minded and sex-positive, but I'm still a virgin at 28 so I've found there is a lot I just don't know about. Today, someone has started a conversation about what qualifies as "taboo" and relating it to kink-shaming. Another member replies, mentioning they are asexual and find the whole notion of taboos being kind of bizarre. My mind reels at seeing someone who identifies as asexual in this chat. Over time I find out there are several other people who identify at least gray-ace in this chat, some who even draw risque artwork for commission. I realize how little I actually understood about what asexuality really was, and begin scouring the internet for articles and wikis on asexuality.

It is April 2010. I am at an Apollo Burger across the street from the local game store where I am playing in a Magic prerelease. My friends I followed over are talking about weekend plans, and one of them makes a joke about doing some chores to butter up his partner to have sex. The joke does not go over my head -- I am straight, and understand sex, even if I am still a virgin -- but I still can't help but think out loud: "You know, I just don't get why people make such a big deal out of sex." The awkwardness and confused looks are suffocating. I drop the topic immediately.

It is June 2020. I have just watched a video from an enby Youtube creator about their experience discovering their own gender identity. Over the next three days I will see every one of these past experiences, along with hundreds of others, flash before my eyes in rapid succession, over and over, until I begin to realize that I haven't allowed myself to truly identify how I do. Every time I asked "am I asexual?" in the past, I would dismiss it because I understood sex and have a sex drive. Once I actually researched asexuality, though, I almost immediately found stories of people who identify as ace and still experience a sex drive. I also discover a lot of stories from aromantic people that sound painfully similar to feelings I hadn't even realized were not the norm. For the first time I begin to realize I may not just be an ally.

So what does this mean

I came to a sense of satisfaction with living alone and single a long time ago. At first this came with a certain level of shame, because I felt like it was only because I was too cowardly to enter the dating scene and try to find a relationship for myself. Over time the impact of the shame diminished, but it never went away; it just became a quiet background noise that I got accustomed to pushing back.

But now that I feel comfortable calling myself "Aromantic", I don't feel any shame. A romantic relationship is simply something I don't need. Instead, I can focus on fostering the kinds of deep relationships that do feed my soul. That will likely be a difficult thing to do -- awkwardly traversing intimacy was something most people worked through as a teenager or young adult, and I'm nearly 30, haha. But it at least feels possible now.

But really the biggest change for me is that I feel like I can be honest and public about who I am in a way I never was before. Simply being open about this piece of my identity somehow feels important if for no other reason than to let other people who felt like I did growing up that they aren't alone.

So... yeah. I'm aroace. And I always have been.

[dailyaudiobible]

09/08/2019 DAB Transcript

Isaiah 1:1-2:22, 2 Corinthians 10:1-18, Psalms 52:1-9, Proverbs 22:26-27

Today is the 8th day of September. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am Brian. It is great to be here with you as we twist the knob and swing open the door on a fresh, shiny, sparkly, new week. Today is the 251st day of the year and we’re moving into some new territory. So, for a long time once we got to like first Samuel all the way through the books of Kings and Chronicles, we were following the story of King David, of King Saul, of all the different kings that lead Israel along the way up until their exile. And more recently, we switched gears and moved our way through some wisdom literature. So, the book of Job and the book of Ecclesiastes, the book of Song of Solomon, which Jill and I read over the last couple of days and that's always fun. So, here add this shiny, sparkly, threshold of a new week we are moving into some new territory and beginning to hear some prophetic voices. We will begin with the book of Isaiah and will be…you know…Isaiah’s a longer book. So, we’ll be camping out in here for a little while. So, let’s kind of fly over its.

Introduction to the book of Isaiah:

Isaiah, like I just said, he was a prophet, so this is a prophetic book. It's part of the Old Testament major prophets and the major prophets also would include Jeremiah, Lamentations, and Daniel, and Ezekiel. And the fact that this is classified as one of the major prophets doesn't mean that it's like more important, like the major prophets are more important. There classified as major works because of the amount of material that are contained in the document. And, so, Isaiah contains 66 chapters, which makes it one of the longer books of the Bible. So, Isaiah, his name means “the Lord saves”. And as we'll see from his writings, he’s a very passionate Old Testament prophet and this is interesting, Isaiah is referred to and quoted often throughout the New Testament, even Jesus quoted from Isaiah eight times in the gospel narratives. Isaiah was such an important text that He recited from the book of Isaiah, the 61st chapter at the launch of His ministry, right, when He said, “the spirit of the Lord is upon me, for He has anointed me to bring the good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the Lord's favor has come.” Jesus was quoting Isaiah when He announced His own ministry. So, Isaiah obviously lived way before Jesus. He lived in that the second half of the eighth century BC, and it seems that he was at least a part of the upper-class, maybe the aristocracy because he had access to royalty and commoners didn't just have free access, but it appears that Isaiah did. And even though he lived in a time that was full of upheaval he was still able to deliver messages directly to kings over a long period of time. So, he wasn't just like some crazy peasant that was coming in from the countryside and demanding to see the king. It seems that he had access and he had access to five different kings. He prophesied during five different reigns- Isaiah, Jotham, Ahaz, Hezekiah, and Manasseh. And then according to Jewish and for that matter Christian tradition Isaiah was martyred by being sawn in half at the order of King Manasseh. So, that's a tradition. It’s not explicitly referenced in the Bible. In the book of Hebrews saints are being described, the saints of old, and the book of Hebrews said some died by stoning and some were sawn in half and others were killed with the sword. So, maybe there's a slight reference. Anyway, it's one of the longer books in the Bible, as we already mentioned and it's kind of divided in half. So, like the first 39 chapters, which is the territory that we’re immediately gonna be heading into discuss God's judgment. So, it's a very sobering thing to read through. And then we get onto chapter 40, all the way through chapter 66, then the discussion changes to God's comfort and his restoration, which is very hopeful. And since we’re moving into the some of the prophetic voices, it's important understand that prophetic literature is full of metaphor and symbolism as well as allegory. And Isaiah is no different. So, just like we talked about when we started the Song of Solomon, there are some lenses that we can use to look through at these prophetic writings. And, so let's invite the Holy Spirit to lead us toward what we need to see as we begin the book of Isaiah. And we’ll read from the English Standard Version this week. Isaiah chapter 1 and 2.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word and we thank You for bringing us safely here to the threshold of this shiny new week that we’re living into. And as we step into this new week we invite Your Holy Spirit to be in our thoughts, words and deeds, everything about us, all of our interactions, all of our postures of heart, all of the conflicts that are in our lives that need to be sorted out, all of the things that are going on, we invite You. This week is stretching out before us and it's all fresh and waiting for us to live into. May we be telling Your story this week and not our own. Come, Holy Spirit we pray. In the mighty name of Jesus, we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, its home base, it’s where you find out what’s going on around here.

Hey, something's going on around here, sort of. It’s my son Max's birthday today. So, happy birthday, Max.

And it's the first day of the week. So, we’re marching into some new territory together. And a good place to know and stay connected is dailyaudiobible.com. The Daily Audio Bible Shop is there, the Prayer Wall is there. All the different links to the different social media channels that we’re part of are there. So, stay connected any way you can.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, thank you, thank you profoundly. There is a link on the homepage at dailyaudiobible.com. If you are using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner, or the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or comment you can press the Hotline button in the app, the little red button in the header at the top and go from there or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi, this message is for Jasmine in New York, I believe, the intern who did not match into a categorical or I’m sorry into an advanced year. I am currently a third-year resident out in California. I know the struggle, I know what you’re going through. I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you and praying for you as you ramp up for this next application cycle. You are a strong woman. I commend you for everything you’ve gone through with the previous match and now everything you’re about to endure with this upcoming match. I also wanted to say that I really appreciated the prayer you left on the line for the patients that you take care of. Your words were beautiful, and I’ve now adopted that prayer into my own practice. So, no matter how tough it gets, no matter how many interviews you do or don’t get, I just want to remind you to keep up the fight because…

Hi, it’s Nicola and I’m calling with a praise report and also a call for action. I’m calling from Scotland. I called a month ago, basically saying that I had to face my ex-employer who was emotionally and financially abusive and it was a situation where I felt like David facing Goliath and I called for strength and because I knew that God wanted me to go through this even though it was very frightening and scary. Anyways, I went through with it and it ended up having the best possible outcome. My employer kind of folded and agreed to give the full amount of money that she owed me for stealing and also paying all the fines. I did not expect…it was a lot more money than I expected and it’s a huge blessing considering I’m moving internationally and starting graduate school and I was floored, and I know that was because of you guys. So, the second part is, I want to ask, I think we need to all be donating more on a monthly basis to Daily Audio Bible. Think about what this community has done for you. And as we know, we cannot live on food alone. And think about how much money you spend on food every month and how much you spend on Daily Audio Bible every month. If we put our money where our mouth is then we should be spending more on Daily Audio Bible a month then we should be spending on our food and I say that as a graduate student. And, so, once I’m all settled I’m gonna start paying regularly every month again because this is very…there is very few places like this and if we don’t financially support it and take care of that then it won’t last forever…

Hello, you all this is Andrea the Strong and Brave Prayer Warrior, but this time asking for prayer for myself. We were on the way home and someone that was probably drunk almost hit us like five or six times within the course of about five minutes. It was pretty scary. Hopefully the guy driving me tried to call the police or something. Luckily, I’m fine, I’m safe and everything, but you guys, I thought I had mastered my mouth. I guess I need to be in the word more because let’s just say I said some things that weren’t very becoming. So, anyway you guys just pray for me. I thought that this…I pretty much had this anxiety thing under control and I probably do it’s just…it happened just today. So, anyway, all right, God bless you everybody. Brian and Jill thank you so much. God bless. Bye.

Hi DABbers, this is Lisa calling from East Tennessee and I have not called in in a very long time, but I have listened and do listen regularly for the last five years. I missed being at the reunion this year. My family and I did attend last year it was so wonderful and I’m certain it was wonderful again this year as well. Hope everyone had a blessed time. I just wanted to call with a brief prayer request for myself. I’m sitting in a parking garage outside of my work on my way home for the day and I just really need prayer and wisdom regarding work. I’ve worked in healthcare for 25 years just about and if you know anything about healthcare it’s really changed, and it’s just gotten to a point where it’s very difficult for me to wake up every day and still love my job. I love my patients, I love what I do, I worked hard for a degree as a therapist and have only ever wanted to do that but it’s come to a point in my life where I just, I don’t know where to go and where to turn and I just need some wisdom and really some prayer that the Lord will present me with some kind of an opportunity. Whether or not it’s healthcare, it really…at this point I’m open to anything. I work in a very difficult hospital environment with very, very sick patients and staff that’s burnt out and constant changes with management and other things. And I just really would like to be lifted up for that. I know so many of us are praying about work and jobs and the things that we need. So, I will keep all of you in my prayers for those same things for everyone….

[singing] In the eye of the storm you remain in control and in the in the middle of the war you guard my soul. You alone are the anchor when my sails are torn. Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm. [singing stops]. That song was written by Brian Fowler and Ryan Stevenson. This is Candace from Oregon. I want to tell you the lyrics at the end of this song. “The Lord is my shepherd”, this is…they are quoting Psalm 23. “I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows. He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid for you are close beside me.” This is, in particular, for I think it’s…is it Sue from Colorado. You called September 3rd and called before. You’ve ministered faithfully in Haiti and I would like everyone to join with me in prayer right now for Sue from Colorado. Lord, thank You for this dear servant. Thank You that all the lies of the enemy are really quite pitiful because You are King of Kings and Lord of Lords. And You surround this dear woman, this servant, You surround her in Your love. You have redeemed her. You came to earth and we claim all that You did on her behalf for her healing and just…

[nicolesfaq]

Frequently Asked Questions

1. I was referred to this FAQ, why couldn’t you or a family member just talk to me? 

Great question! This FAQ, like many others, is the list of questions I’m getting repeatedly from many friend and family members. While I would love to talk to each and every one of you in great depth about what’s going on, it’s both exhausting to repeat the same information over and over again, and I would prefer to work on my medical school applications. These applications have a deadline, unlike our understanding of each other throughout the rest of our lives. 

I’m encouraging folks, however, to approach me directly or read this because I don’t want to be misrepresented by someone who is having a misunderstanding, and I don’t want to put that labor on someone else, either. Thank you for your understanding and patience!

2. What is going on with you? I heard you were applying to medical school? How is that going?

I am currently living and working in Eugene, Oregon, at a cool social service nonprofit called White Bird Clinic. My job duties include nonviolent crisis deescalation, reception, public health reporting, scribing, and data management, among others. I’m in the process of applying to medical school, which is over a year-long process. I have completed and submitted the primary application, a centralized application service (AMCAS: https://students-residents.aamc.org/applying-medical-school/faq/amcas-faq/), and am in the process of completing each college’s secondary supplemental applications. It is difficult and anxiety inducing, and please try to not ask me about it because it induces anxiety. 

I will hopefully be invited to interview from now until February, and will not hear back about acceptance decisions until March through May of 2018. Please refrain from asking me who I’ve heard back from; I will inform everyone as I find out. 

I am currently applying to: Drexel, Lewis Katz, Loyola, Tulane, Baylor, U of A Tucson, Icahn at Mt Sinai, Sidney Kimmel, VCU, NYU, St. Louis, George Washington, and Columbia. I am not applying to Harvard, Yale, UCSF, UCLA, or U Chicago because I was advised by the former head of admissions at Stanford that they are not good fits for my primary care career goals and I would prefer to focus my time and energy writing stellar apps for other institutions. Please do not encourage me to “just go for it” unless you are the current head of admissions at those medical schools. 

Additionally, I am receiving health care to be able to enter medical school as my best self as I begin one of the most tiresome and stressful processes I could possibly sign up for. I have been diagnosed with ADHD, and am receiving ongoing psychiatric prescribing and talk therapy to manage it. I have come out as trans, specifically nonbinary, and am seeking hormone replacement therapy (HRT) to medically move my phenotype, or physical biology, more to an androgynous, or middle, physical presentation. 

3. What is “trans”? 

Trans means that I don’t identify with the gender that I was assigned at birth. I was assigned by the OBGYN as being female, and raised as a girl. However, this gender identity is not how I feel currently as an adult, and not how I felt as a child, either. I did not have the words to express it as a child and simply thought that it was discomfort that everyone experienced. 

The HRC has a simple FAQ: https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-faq

TE has a more in-depth one: http://www.transequality.org/issues/resources/frequently-asked-questions-about-transgender-people

4. What is “nonbinary” or “genderqueer”?

“Nonbinary” or “genderqueer” means that I do not identify as either a man or a woman, or that I fall outside of the socially defined male/female binary. I tend to be more genderfluid - sometimes I present as more feminine, and sometimes I present as more masculine. TE has a good overview of this: http://www.transequality.org/issues/resources/understanding-non-binary-people-how-to-be-respectful-and-supportive

5. Why are you focusing on this right now, and not medical school? 

Self-care is focusing on medical school. I cannot be at my highest performing for my work, interviews, applications, or enrolled in school while pretending to be something I’m not, and having the constant pressure of not feeling that I’m living in my own skin. "Being in the closet” has been found to be physically exhausting and psychologically damaging (http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/articles/closet-psychological-issues-being-and-coming-out). This process is not a distraction or a fantasy, it is taking steps to take care of myself to improve my health, happiness, confidence, and quality of life. 

6. Why aren’t you just normal gay? 

Think of this as gay deluxe. Sexuality and gender are separate, but there is no heterosexuality for people who fall outside of the male/female binary as there is no “opposite” gender to couple with. I tend to be less attracted to women than men for a variety of reasons, notably that I’ve been conditioned to be more comfortable being romantic with men. I tend to be most attracted to other people who are trans or nonbinary, but they’re also harder to find, and in a small town like Eugene, everyone has already dated each other.

7. But you’ve dated men in your past, doesn’t that make you straight?

For one thing, dating men doesn’t inherently make any gay or straight. Sexuality is a spectrum, and people can be gay, bisexual, pansexual, etc., and dating one gender or another at any one point doesn’t change someone’s sexuality. 

For example, you’ve probably dated people you’re not currently with and that doesn’t mean you were inherently wrong about your choices or that it influences your current decisions or relationships right now. Dating is often about exploring and finding yourself and seeing who’s a good fit for you - and that’s what I did and am doing as a young adult. 

8. You’re too young to make this decision for yourself. What if you regret it later?

I’m old enough to buy a gun, cigarettes, alcohol, a car, apply for a loan, get a tattoo, and buy weed in the great state of Oregon - I’m also old enough to make medical decisions for myself. 

The regret rate for gender-related physical care is extremely low - a study puts surgical care, a much more intensive and risky procedure than HRT, at a regret rate of 1-2%. This is compared with plastic surgery regret rate of around 65% for people in the UK. 

Scientifically, HRT regret is virtually nonexistent (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24755998). Personally, it’s a decision I’m extremely satisfied with right now. If I regret this later on down the road - so what? It’s my choice, I initiated informed consent regarding the effects of my choice, and if I regret it later, it’s something that I’m going to have to deal with when it happens. Have you ever regretted a major life choice? A marriage? A birth? A job? Attending school? How did you deal with it when you realized? 

9. I hear you are struggling with depression symptoms. What if you just think you’re trans because something else is going on, like depression? 

This is a common misconception. Transgenderism is associated with depression, but studies strongly suggest that this is due to shame, harassment, intimidation, and negative social influence directed at trans people. The Williams Institute out of UCLA compiled a huge study detailing the possible factors that contribute to suicidality amongst trans people, and found that two of the groups least likely to attempt suicide were people who never revealed that they were transgender, and people who had strong family support after coming out. (https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/AFSP-Williams-Suicide-Report-Final.pdf) 

I had not meant to come out at this point, but the mailing of a prior authorization letter to my household from my insurance company outed me to my family. I do wish that that had not happened - not to keep it a secret, but to be able to maintain control over how I present and slowly introduce the idea of transgenderism, nonbinary gender, and other gender theory concepts to my family to reduce the level of shock that we’re now currently experiencing. 

In truth, before being outed by my insurance company, my mental health had been the best in years - I felt confident, happy, and accomplished. I had reduced my talk therapy sessions from every week to every other week, and was gaining hours and responsibilities at work. The new stress of navigating complicated family dynamics has been difficult, and I hope that everyone keeps processing this new information so we can continue to move on, grow together, and experience happiness, health, and success in our lives. 

10. I’ve noticed that Reed College and Eugene is very liberal, and I don’t see any transgender people around me. Are you sure you haven’t been tricked into thinking it’s a real thing? 

New data published by the Williams Institute estimates the adult (18+) population in the US to be 0.6% of the population, an estimate that has doubled since their last study. This is about half the prevalence of red heads in the US; there’s approximately 1.8 million trans people, about 50% larger than the population of Austin. This doubling hasn’t meant that there are more trans folks now - it means that there’s increased awareness and acceptance of trans identities, and more people have words for feelings that they’ve felt their whole life, or feel comfortable to be out and public about their identity. 

There are trans people in every culture, in every place, and there have been trans people throughout all of history. We don’t currently learn about that because much of trans history has been destroyed. For example, one of the largest trans libraries and research institutions in the world was burned down by Hitler (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Institut_f%C3%BCr_Sexualwissenschaft). Some Native American traditions include the idea of people who are “two spirit” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Two-Spirit), and some South Asian cultures include the idea of Hijra (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hijra_(South_Asia)). Trans history dates back to ancient Greece (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender_history). 

11. Is HRT permanent? 

Yes and no. If I cease HRT, most changes will go back an estrogen phenotype. I will completely regain my fertility in 3-6 months, just like being on birth control. I am taking an extremely low dose, a dose at the lowest end of the spectrum recommended by the WPATH international standards of care (http://www.wpath.org/site_page.cfm?pk_association_webpage_menu=1351&pk_association_webpage=4655). The only permanent change is mild vocal cord scarring, not very noticeable at my dose. 

12. My male friend is taking the same dose as you, how can you say yours is low? 

Does your male friend still have his testicles, and has he already undergone puberty? If yes, then his body is already naturally producing testosterone, and he needs to be on a low maintenance dose that adds to the amount his body is already producing to maintain his desired masculine phenotype. A higher dose for him would put his testosterone levels at a dangerously high level, increasing the risk for cardiovascular diseases. 

13. Are you planning on undergoing surgery? 

Not at the moment, as surgery is expensive, scary, and time-consuming. I may want to in the future, but for now, I am happy with my physiology. 

14. Are you planning on having children?

Right now, yes! I want to graduate from medical school and find a loving partner to raise children with. I may decide to have children biologically, adopt, or my partner may decide to have children biologically - who knows! I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I currently love the idea of pregnancy, child birth, and breastfeeding, another factor to not seek surgical transitioning care at this point. 

16. “Pronouns”? Huh? Are you going to change your name? 

I use “they/them” pronouns, as in, “they went to the store,” “that is their jacket,” and “have you called them recently?” While the singular “they” has been in use since the 14th century and not criticized until the 19th century (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singular_they), I understand that changing one’s language is a difficult and awkward process, and I’m not currently requesting that my family do it unless they want to. It would make me feel better, but it seems like too much to ask at this point. 

I have no idea if I’m going to change my name! Some of my friends call me Nick because I changed my name to Nick Coal following death threats from nazis of Reed College students, but I didn’t intend or request this. My work name is Olive because my coworker is named Nicole already. Basically, I’m bad at coming up with names, and I do like Nyx, Nike, Nikolai, Alex, Xan, and Xander, (middle name is Alexandra), but none of them seem to be “the one” so far. 

15. I read this article and it says something different than what you’ve said here. 

There’s actually a lot of information available on the internet, and it’s up to you to decide who to believe. Things to consider are: was this article written by a trans person? Is this article up to date? What are the credentials of the individual writing this article? Do I believe a stranger or someone I know? 

17. How can I support you during this time? 

Thank you so much! This website has a general overview on general trans allyship: http://www.refinery29.com/transgender-how-to-be-an-ally-faqs

Personally, any encouragement is always appreciated, and recognizing that I am currently feeling overwhelmed with managing the volume of family conflict that’s been placed on me. I like coffee, cookies, snacks, flowers, and money, you can always text me for my address. 

Supporting family members who are having a more difficult time with my transition than I am is the most important thing to do right now. I also encourage individuals struggling with this process to seek professional help in processing difficult emotions: https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?sid=1506214943.6657_13937&city=Austin&state=TX&spec=172&spec=200 

Taking care of yourself is most important, and doing that is crucial to maintaining healthy relationships with others.

18. I want to ask you more questions. How can I do that? 

Do you want to ask me questions about my sexuality, sexual preferences, genitals, genital makeup, or breast tissue? If so, please contemplate your question, and respect my personhood by refraining from asking me questions that you would not ask your other friends or family members who are not trans. 

If you have other questions, please feel free to text me at five one two, eight-hundred and fifty three, 0909, or ask in the ask box, linked at the top of this page. 

Love y’all!