#but yeah most of these are my literal notes -- excerpts / literally copy pasted from my references that may be quite outdated

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Do you use AI generators to compile or scrape this information?

no

[gayenerd]

Green Day Deals with the "Rock Star" Dookie 

by Tom Lanham 

(First appeared in BAM Magazine, March 10, 1995)

 Young, loud, and snotty equals beaucoup bucks? What pencil-pushing, graph-charting trend spotter could've predicted it? But the facts speak for themselves: As of late February, Dookie--the brattish, snap 'n' snarl Reprise salvo from Berkeley's sloppy punk trio, Green Day--has sold six million copies. Six million. Chances are, somebody on your block is jumping up and down in his living room at this very moment to the scrap-metal power chords and ardent apathy of "Longview," "Burnout," "Basket Case," or "When I Come Around" and getting lost in the teen abandon of these testy 22-year-olds--weasel-voiced, Montgomery-Clift-like charismatic singer/guitarist Billie Joe; tom-tom tribal percussionist Tre Cool (of the ever-morphing hair-color fame); and bassist Mike Dirnt (who survived Green Day's appearance at Woodstock '94, although several of his teeth did not). 

Yes, punk rock is a marketable phenomenon these days, leaving many involved with the music's initial late-'70s, early-'80s wave scratching their heads, wondering why it didn't take the first time around. Public reaction started as curiosity ("Hey, honey, c'mere and lookit these goofy, green-haired little whippersnappers in an insane asylum on MTV!"), but spiraled up to rock-diet necessity (Green Day just won Grammy and they're nominated for quite a few Bammies as well, including such categories as Outstanding Group, Outstanding Album, and Outstanding Song--"Longview" and "Basket Case"). The fact that they've been nominated at all probably sends a shiver up the old dinosaur backbones of Eddie Money, Huey Lewis, and Boz Scaggs, a time-creepy feeling of "Gee, what the hell do we do now?" Because this isn't just some flash-in-the-pan punk movement, folks--this is a youth movement; Green Day are, as they hiply term it, "bored in the 'burbs," and reaching out, through TV and radio, like some prodigal preachers to other American kids who sense the same slacker ennui. Obviously, we're talking truckloads of kids. 

Ironically, the more fame edges into the Green Day ruffians' lives, the more mature they seem to become. They've turned down all interview requests as of late, even People magazine, preferring to lay low until this tide of interest recedes. Billie Joe got married last autumn, and spent his honeymoon--not in any exotic, expensive locale--but in Berkeley's grand old Claremont Hotel. Cool recently became a father, and Billie Joe's child is due any day now. It's a responsibility they've both eagerly undertaken. Rob Cavallo, the boys' coproducer and A&R man at Reprise, swears they're "old souls, the smartest young kids I've ever met." It rings true. 

The first time I spoke with Green Day, in January of '94, Cool, Dirnt, and Billie Joe were lazing around their dingy basement apartment in Berkeley, sitting on chairs and couches with potentially painful springs poking through. Rock 'n' roll bubblegum cards were scattered across a coffee table, along with several bongs of various sizes, plus a four-and-a-half foot red plastic pipe dubbed "Bongzilla" leaned against a doorway. The only wall decoration, besides a Ren & Stimpy poster, was a Twister game mat nailed up in its entirety, presumably for high-schoolish humor's sake. 

When I'd met Billie Joe a few months earlier at a campus concert, his hair was dyed lime-green and featured squidlike tufts. Now it was dark brown, with only two tufts remaining, and both his ears and nose had piercings. Periodically during the interview, he'd ram a finger into that pierced nostril, rummage around, then stare idly at the resultant booger before flicking it on to the carpet. Cool wandered out of the rec room for several minutes, but returned, red-eyed, to proudly proclaim, "Lookit me! I'm stoned, dude!" Dirnt--when he wasn't strumming an acoustic guitar--kept watching their windowsill Sea Monkey tank, finally noting, "Hey, these Sea Monkeys look just like sperm!" 

Despite all these schoolboy, poo-poo wit trappings (dookie, after all, is kiddie slang for excrement), there was a sense of seasoned wisdom about them, a feeling that they were, as Cavallo postulated, truly old souls. Like the class clown who frustrates all of his teachers by also maintaining a 4.0 grade average, Green Day can afford to play because their work--brilliantly skewed three-minute pop songs, delivered with such vehemence and vitriol you don't dare doubt them--certainly speaks for itself. But, sooner or later, of course, the band has to speak for itself, too, so what follows is a set of excerpts from that first ratty-digs meeting, as well as a later chat with Billie Joe, sans sidekicks. How did Green Day take over the rock world in less than a year? That's the six-million-copy question, and hopefully we'll provide a few answers. 

* * * 

So punk is back, whether America likes it or not? 

BILLIE JOE: It's always been around, and everyone has their own interpretation of it. It's weird to actually call it "punk" again, when it's been there all the time. 

MIKE DIRNT: It's been springing up in little suburban areas, where people grab it and express themselves. 

TRE COOL: It's people who make a point of setting aside all responsibilities and just playing music. And doing fat joint after fat joint--you have to let go of things like paying rent, going to school, having a job. 

BJ: And, if you can't tell by my house, we don't have a very high standard of living. 

How does today's punk rock differ from its late-'70s cousin?

 BJ: I think it was all about art and fashion back then, really, because everyone who was a punk in England was in art school. I read an early interview with Dee Dee Ramone, where he said he wished the Ramones had more of a glamorous appeal, too, instead of playing in jeans and leather jackets. But it was definitely about fashion, until the Clash really brought out the political side. Our music came from being bored in the 'burbs. You get put in this high school situation, where you're learning someone else's rules in a room with 30 other people that you don't really like. There's nothing interesting about it whatsoever, so you pick up a guitar instead. 

But you all tried college, at least for awhile, right? 

MD: And then we started touring. Constantly. 

TC: So most of our reading now comes from highway signs. 

MD: It's the old grasshopper and the ant story. The thought of actually working is just so... 

TC: Sickening! 

MD: Yeah. So we put everything we had into not working. This is what I do best, and I was always told, "If you're gonna do something, do it the best you can." So why not do the best thing you can, too? 

You guys--at least Mike and Billie Joe--have known each other since you were 10? 

BJ: And the first conversation we ever had was about writing songs. And then we just started playing music. 

A lot of the stuff on your early Lookout! records shows what was on your mind at the time--namely, girls. 

BJ: That was pretty much the viewpoint of a 16-year-old kid. I don't write stuff like that anymore. The new songs are more about coming of age and being apathetic and neurotic.

 Where were your parents when you were touring [at age 16]? 

MD: At work, doing their own thing. 

BJ: My mom's worked a waitress job for like the past 40 years or something, and whatever I was doing was OK with her. 

MD: I moved out when I was 15, and I worked all the way through high school. 

BJ: And me, I've never held a job longer than two weeks. I tried to flip pizzas--it didn't work. I tried cleaning toilets in the Red Onion in El Sobrante. Me and TrŽ, we used to work for the SF Chronicle, selling papers. I sold three the first day, and the next day we just smoked pot, and we smoked pot the next day after that. So we had hella extra papers lying around. Our ultimate goal wasn't to get rich or famous or anything like that. It was to not have a regular job and not be miserable. 

MD: And I've lived in every city around here, except for Albany. Literally. And one thing we want to establish about ourselves is that we're just a bunch of geeks from the suburbs. 

Well, one of the first times I saw you, you guys were closing your set with Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger." That's pretty geeky. 

MD: I grew up on radio--that's all I had. When I was a little kid, I couldn't afford records. I'll tell you, I've been down to a dollar in my pocket a lot of times. I've even lived in my truck. I can remember shooting rats with a BB gun in the flat we used to live in, before they'd make it to our food. 

BJ: I've always been really good about saving. If I got some money, I'd put it away instead of spending it, and I'd buy ramen. 

Why name your disc Dookie? 

TC: Warner's said we could do anything we want, as long as we didn't say "Cop Killer." 

BJ: Somebody told our manager that the ad for it was the most tasteless thing they'd ever seen in Billboard magazine. 

What exactly do you mean on Dookie by "Welcome to Paradise"? 

BJ, MD, TC [in unison]: West Oakland! 

MD: Living in West Oakland, and going out to parties every night. 

So it cost, what, around $100,000 to make Dookie? 

MD: Yeah. We kept the advances low, because you gotta pay all that shit back. Everyone knows you can't become an instant millionaire just by signing, because there are so many people that want a piece of you. 

BJ: We hang out with mostly punks though, and they don't want anything we have. They could care less. And a lot of our friends don't even agree with us being on a major label. 

Is Green Day angry? 

BJ: No, I'm not angry, like, walking around all the time with a frown on my face. But the way my music is interpreted is very angry. 

MD: When you feel really strongly about something, you want to let it out in the most powerful way possible. 

Like the way you baited your old high school principal from the Warfield stage recently? 

MD: I think he was an asshole. He treated me with no respect. And for high school initiation, we got our heads shaved--that's the kind of small-town shit we had to deal with! Sometimes they made you push a penny up the street with your nose. But that's life, and anywhere you go, you're gonna hate a lot of shit in your life. You'll be handed

Dookie? 

MD: Yeah. Yeah, you'll be handed dookie through all parts of your life. And see, what you need to do is just deal with the dookie, build upon what you have, and make something out of the dookie, you know? Like an adobe dookie building! 

* * * 

Several months later, and Dookie is oozing its gooey way into the public consciousness big time. The fading summer heat sticks crackling to the Berkeley sidewalks as punks--many sporting monstrous green or fuchsia mohawks--zing by on skateboards by day, and huddle in Telegraph Avenue doorways by night, conserving feral body heat the whole time. It feels like another world here, a throwback to the Bay Area's DIY/hardcore scene of the early '80s, when squatters reigned supreme and burlesque Broadway--fueled by all-ages shows at the Mabuhay Gardens, On Broadway, and even an occasional GBH or UK Subs booking at the Stone--made weekend conversions to "Punk Playground, USA." It was the best of times; it was the worst of times--despite relentless touring, most of these bands sold bupkus in the way of records, and few, save Metallica, ever held pen in shaky hand over a major-label contract. 

Billie Joe saunters into the Berkeley coffeehouse in rumpled jeans and a grease-spattered flannel shirt; his once-green-and-tufty tresses have grown out into Wally Cleaver waves and been dyed a Rod Stewarty blond. He looks like one of those feisty punks of yore; like he could hold his own through sheer physical endurance in the wildest of thrash pits. There's a new authority about him, the way he strides confidently to the counter, orders a pint-size glass of coffee, then swims through a sea of late-lunching yuppies to grab a table. The singer doesn't seem to notice them at all. Or maybe he's just too tired from nonstop touring to really give a shit. He smiles a goofy grin, revealing a set of generally crooked or chipped choppers, with an entire half of one front tooth missing. But there's such charisma behind it, the same kind of "Who, me?" innocence that little kids use. Billie Joe, you might say, has quickly become the Bart Simpson of the alternative set. 

How else could you explain his uncensored performance at a certain outdoor arena where--in a hyperspeed set lasting only 30 minutes before management threatened to pull the plug--he a) unzipped his fly and paraded his privates around for all to see; b) handed a stunned fan his beat-up, sticker-plastered guitar and urged him to play it; c) destroyed a $600 microphone by smashing it into the stage, then destroyed a second mike he was handed as well; and d) encouraged half the venue to chant, "Rock 'n' roll!" and the other half to respond with, "Shut the fuck up!" He then closed the show with a proposition--"They'll be really angry with us, but what we could do is rip out the seats!" he told the audience, which promptly gave Green Day a standing ovation. Billie Joe not only shrugs off such shenanigans as artistic license, he gets away with them! He's even encouraged to continue by fans who empathize with his uppity "fuck authority" attitude. 

But the facts were all on the table as Billie Joe sipped his house blend that afternoon, and it didn't take a fortune teller to read 'em. Green Day was hitting big time. Fast. And the sheer enormity of the undertaking, the weight of all its accordant responsibility, was just beginning to hit him. He looked older, wiser, and spoke in more grownup tones about his future, which then included a pending marriage to longtime girlfriend Adrienne. You could practically feel this new maturity encircling him like some protective aura. 

* * * 

=Where do all these punks on Telegraph come from? They can't all be local and homeless. 

I think Telegraph has just become this cultural mecca for punk rockers, because most of 'em who are on the Avenue aren't even from here. They're from Arizona, Minneapolis, New York, Florida. They just come out and end up squatting in houses in Berkeley. Why here? It's the climate, and the scene itself--Gilman Street and Maximum Rock 'n' Roll are in this area, and have a link to each other. But at the same time, it's separated, because there are so many different factions of punk now. There are the squatters, the pop-cores, the mods, the crusties. And all these types of people come out just to check it out. Plus, there's the best coffee in Berkeley, and a lot of 'em are real super coffee-drinkers, just pounding cup after cup all the time. It's pretty rare to come across a punk who doesn't drink coffee. I can't drink too much coffee myself--it gives me the shakes at night, so I just have a little bit during the day. Then I can smoke dope and go to bed. 

=What's the attraction in squatting or homelessness for these kids? 

For a lot of 'em, it's the first sense of freedom that they've had. It's like, "You mean I don't have to be home by midnight?" They've pretty much told their families and schools to go fuck themselves, so they go off and do their own thing. When I was 17, I did the same thing. And I had this total sense of freedom, where no one's telling you what to do, you don't have a clock to punch in on, you don't have people breathing down your neck; you don't have any deadlines to meet. You have this endless schedule where you can stay up all night drinking with your friends, or do anything you want. 

=But isn't "Coming Clean" about leaving behind your wilder ways? 

It's also about coming to grips with your sexuality. There's one line, "Skeletons come to life in my closet." And it's like, "Am I homosexual or heterosexual?" You go through this adolescent stage in your life where you don't really know what you are, and one side is taboo because your parents brought you up to think being gay was wrong. And if you come to grips with yourself, that you happen to be gay or bi or whatever, well, that was one thing about punk that was so accepting--all creeds were welcome, all sexualities, everything. 

=Was this something you went through personally? 

Yeah, to a certain extent. But I don't want to go around waving a gay flag or anything. 

=Well, you had a beautiful girl on your arm backstage at the last Green Day show. 

That's Adrienne. She's cool. Actually, we're engaged. That's why it took me so long getting here today--I had to get this! [Rolls sleeve up on tattooed arm, points to a bandaged-on cotton swab] Blood test, dude! We're getting married next week! 

=Has anybody tried to tell you you're too young for such a serious move? 

Of course. There are a lot of people who've said stuff. My parents have been a little more understanding than her parents. I just called my mom yesterday and said, "Mom, I'm gettin' married," and she said, "That's fine, son. Have fun!" I can hardly surprise my mother nowadays. But [this relationship] has been a recurring thing for the past four years, and we just decided to get serious about it. She's coming out here, and we're moving in together, so it's like, "Why not?" I don't really have any wild oats to sow, or anything like that. I'm not into the "Gettin' chicks all the time" thing.

 =I know a lot of girls who'll be really bummed that you're gittin' hitched. They all seem to have developed a crush on you... 

Me?! It must be the teeth [grins again].

 =OK, so maybe you didn't brush often enough when you were young. But you were busy developing a direction... 

I wouldn't necessarily say I had a direction or anything. I just knew I wanted to write songs. It comes from...uh...I don't know. I have no idea. It wasn't any kind of cosmic force or anything like that; it was just a matter of having a guitar around and wanting to play it all the time. I've had the same guitar since I was 11--I bought it off this guy at a guitar store. And I still play it--you know, the blue one with stickers all over it? That's my blue guitar, and, for some reason, things come to life, and everyone calls it "Blue" now--"Where's Blue? Can I pick up Blue and play it?" 

=And you let just anybody touch it? 

Oh yeah! Blue's not prejudiced. 

=It's interesting to note that the general public seems to think Dookie is your debut. 

Yeah, but that's just the general public. There are people who've been with us since the beginning, who know how long we've been around, since our first 7-inch came out back in '89. 

=And now you can afford to trash pricey microphones. 

Actually, Warner Brothers paid for those. It was pretty nice of 'em. They looked really nice--I remember looking at 'em and thinking, "Nice microphones!" They gave me one mike and I took it and threw it down, and they gave me another, and at the end of the set I creamed it pretty hard, I guess. We toured Europe with this band Die Toten Hosen--we played nine dates with 'em--and we got charged for a microphone every night. I dunno, for some reason we just started smashing shit. We'd start throwing equipment around at the end of each set, and these kids would start grabbing Tre's drum set and throwing it, and then they started smashing the microphones too. And the bouncers just couldn't do anything about it. 

=And you actually yanked your dick out onstage too? 

I did. Totally. It was the real thing. I dunno. The bands that we were playing with were just boring. It was more like making a mockery of the whole thing. The big arena rock thing is just so dated now, like Journey or Queen. Which is why I think punk rock started to begin with--it was this reaction to all the dinosaur bands. So for me, that show was, "How can we make a complete mockery of this but at the same time have fun with it?" I like to leave people guessing, "Did he hate that or did he like that?" It's not that I don't care--it's more that I'm careless. I try to be as happy-go-lucky as I can, but you can become apathetic at the same time. 

=Do you feel like Green Day is a part of, or represents, the so-called "slacker generation"? 

There's one side of me that doesn't mind it, because it's a generational thing, and another side of me that says, "Fuck that!" The reason I wrote the songs is, I ended up going back to Rodeo, where I'm from, for a week. And then I said, "Fuck it," and left. But I managed to get several good songs out of it. A lot of my friends had just turned into complete burnouts. And these are kids I've known since kindergarten, because it's a small town and you know everybody. And it was all fixing cars, staying up all night on methamphetamines, smoking dope, and finding out all these rumors about people I haven't heard of in 10 years. Like, "Oh, did you hear about so-and-so, who got married, had three kids, and ended up shooting everybody in his family?" And it happened! It was a true story! You're there for one week, and you get caught up in it. You get so bored, all you wanna do is watch television. And there are no record stores, nothing around, so you end up hanging out with all these delinquents who aren't punkers at all, just cultural idiots. So I was watching all these people rot and rotting with them until I realized, "Shit! I gotta get the fuck outta here!" 

=As they say, you can never go home again. 

Oh yeah, definitely. Unless you get pregnant, like my sister did. Then you have to go. But I quit school my senior year--I just wasn't getting anything out of it. I was taking nine periods a day, plus night classes, which left me no time to smoke dope whatsoever. And my mom even suggested I drop out, because she was a dropout, too. I come from a long line of dropouts. I still have nightmares about being late with my homework assignments. When I finally went in to sign out of high school, the teacher went, "Now, who are you again?" 

=And if that teacher could see you now! 

A lot of people think you get this big connection with a corporate label, and you make millions of dollars, but they don't understand that you just don't make that much money. And when you do, it's easy to piss it away. I mean, every cent that I've made, I've pissed away. I'm not gonna say how I did it, but I don't have it But I don't think you necessarily have to be a punk to decide to say, "Fuck it." You don't even have to have a direction. It's just a matter of getting the fuck out and exploring things for yourself. 

=But didn't you feel abject terror when you first set out on your own? 

Nah, I didn't. Because, for some reason, I knew things were gonna be all right. You can create your own future as long as karma's on your side. And I'm a strong believer in karma. I think things can come back to you if you're just willing to give. 

* * * 

True enough. At least six million times over!

1995 Tom Lanham

[stephhannes]

new year, who dis

what would be the use in becoming a symbol of walking desolation? awash in multiple griefs, elaborating on anguish. even if i never get to see you again, i’ll know that when we collided we both broke each other open. 

                                                   -mount eerie, love without possession 

i guess it’s been four months since i’ve sat down to write an actual blog. i figured i should at least try to get something out before the new year. 

i’ve tried to write an update a few times over the last couple of months, but every time i tried to write something, it’s just aggressively sad. like that one st. vincent lyric— i try to write you a love song, but it comes out a lament. and while an aggressively sad tone is appropriate to how i’ve been feeling, i’ve been trying to bring less sad energy to the table. (a surprise to everyone, because sad energy is my entire brand). 

I planned to get this blog up by january 1st. and then i kept putting it off. hence why this starts off saying things like, “i guess it’s been four months,” and “i figured i should at least try to get something out before the new year.” today is february 4th, which means it’s officially been a year and a half since nathan died. 

in the last few weeks, i’ve been under a lot of stress. i’m juggling three jobs right now, and somehow still don’t make enough money to survive. i’m sure that at this point, i’ve described to you my bona-fide money saving technique. it’s called “i only eat three days a week because it’s too expensive to feed myself every day,” sometimes, i get lucky, and get the scraps from events at work, and that’s literally like the one (1) thing i look forward to. 

i’m still out here searching for a salary (and health insurance) and hopefully, by my birthday, i’ll have that. but we’ll see, the job search has been uhhh…..abysmal to say the least. 

anyways, in the midst of being stressed, i’ve realized that i really don’t think about nathan all the time like i used to. sometimes i’ll go like two days before i’m reminded of him. the other day, i was like “am i a bad person because of this?” and like, logically, i know that it’s totally normal, but on the other hand, i can’t help but feel guilty because of it sometimes. i feel a sense of responsibility to exist as a reminder of “hey, this person existed, and they mattered,” and while i realize that’s a huge weight to put onto myself, i feel like if i don’t, then who will? 

last night, i was reading house of leaves (which, despite owning a copy since high school, i’ve actually never read it before) and i found nathan’s bookmark (a ticket from a baseball game he went to right after he moved to new york) in it, from when i let him take a few of my books when he moved to nyc. i got weirdly emotional and was like “wow what a fun coincidence to find this item of nathan’s that i’ve never seen before in my life on the 1.5 year anniversary of him dying.” i’m not saying i’m superstitious, but maybe i am a little stitious. 

+++

since the last time i wrote a blog, i’ve kept notes on my phone every time something happens that i feel holds some sort of importance- so here’s what’s been in my notes since august 4th. 

august 24, 2019. 4:17am

when i went into work on august 5th, a coworker of mine asked how i was doing. i was doing alright. the anniversary of nathan’s death really didn’t hit me too hard. i assumed i would have a huge nervous breakdown, and i didn’t. 

then my coworker, who’d also lost a partner, told me, “i hate to sound negative and be the one to tell you this but the second year is a lot harder than the first.”

that’s what i’d been reading online for months, but to hear someone say it to my face i was just like… oh shit. 

and so far, the second year has been harder. 

i’ve officially been out on my own for a month now. 

the best part about having depression is that no matter where you are, you still have depression. i don’t know why i was expecting moving to just alleviate all of my sadness when i know that i’ll always find a way to be miserable wherever i am. 

it’s nice to be out of abilene and at least have the option of opportunity, but i basically just spend all of my free time asleep or crying. 

as the ancient oracle, britney spears, once said- “my loneliness is killing me.”

now that i’ve started getting into a routine, i’m starting to feel that hole in my life again. 

i’m on the same schedule that i was when i lived in new york, almost. 

when we lived in new york, i would leave for work around 4, i’d get home around 11:30, and then nathan and i would hang out until around 4am, and then go to bed. the next day, he’d usually wake me up at a normal time, (or at least 2 hours before i had to be at work). 

and now i have to leave for work around 4:30, i get home around 11, and when i come home i’m just alone. and i lay in bed until i’m finally exhausted enough to fall asleep, usually around 5am. and then i wake up ten minutes before i have to go to work. 

i have been feeling this deep, existential sadness for awhile now. every night, i lay in bed and think about all of the conversations i wish i could revisit with nathan. all of the things i wish i’d said. i relive all of my favorite moments of ours. i am still so desperate to feel close to him again. 

i cannot remember a time in my life when i was excited to wake up. i cannot remember a time when i looked forward to my future. in fact, when i think about my mental health as a child, the only thing i remember is one time when i was 12, my dad bought me tickets to see my favorite band. i was obviously so incredibly excited, and expressed the human emotion of joy, and my mother accused me of being on drugs because she’d “never seen me act like that before.” it was so surprising to her to see me happy that she literally thought i was on drugs.

i’ve been like this for as long as i can remember, except for the two years that nathan and i were together. i was still so depressed when we lived together, but for the first time, i was looking forward to the future. for the first time, dealing with my depression seemed worth it. for the first time, putting effort into getting better made sense.  

for the first time in my life, i didn’t feel alone. 

and it took a lot of effort on nathan’s part to make sure that i didn’t feel alone. the loneliness i’ve always felt is like a self-fulfilling prophecy. i actively choose to retreat from friendships and relationships. i stop responding to texts. i hide away and cancel plans. it’s my fault that i feel isolated- because i isolate myself. and nathan refused to let me do that. when i get stressed, i internalize everything and take it all on my own- and nathan would recognize when i was doing that and beg me to let him help. and i wouldn’t let him help. but he would still do it, because he knew what i needed without me asking and would just quietly provide it for me so that i wouldn’t lose my mind. and a lot of the time the help was just him actively sitting me down and reminding me that i’m in fact, not alone. i’ll never forget when i was so stressed after moving to new york because i was so poor, and nathan telling me that “it’ll be okay. we’ll figure it out.” i never asked him for money, or for help, because i have too much pride for that. but even when i was working, i was struggling to make ends meet for myself, and he would sneakily do things like go to the grocery store and be like “oh hey, i was at the store today and just picked up some chicken for you so you don’t have to go yourself.” there were a few times when i asked him to pick up something from the halal cart for me because i didn’t want to get out of bed and i’d be like “there’s cash in my wallet just grab it” but instead of taking the money from my wallet, he’d just get the food for me, and put the change he had leftover in my wallet for me to have.

but even past that, just emotionally, he’d always reassure me that i wasn’t alone. as soon as he started to sense me doing the thing where i try to isolate myself, he’d just cling to me even harder. 

here’s the thing: i’m too tired to fight for myself, and i don’t have anyone that’ll fight for me the way that nathan did. 

august 29th, 2019. 5:32pm

so here’s the tea: i went on a date for the first time since nathan died. i went out last night, got drunk, got on bumble and agreed to go on a date this morning. so yeah, i was aggressively hungover, which is maybe not the best version of me for someone to meet- but it’s the version i brought to the table nonetheless. and like, it was fine. well, up until the point he was trying to relate to me and my career in theatre and told me that his favorite musical is CATS. his favorite cat is the rum tum tugger, and he can’t wait to see the movie in december. 

it’s not going to work out. CATS is an abomination and i refuse to spend time with anyone who disagrees with that statement. 

on a more serious note: i realized that i definitely don’t have the emotional capacity to date. i just can’t bring myself to care about anything anyone has to tell me about themselves. you have two sisters, your parents divorced when you were 8 and and you love CATS? zzzzz….sorry, that was me blacking out for 7 minutes. 

y’know, i’m unsure about a lot of things in my life. like, don’t try to ask me what i want for dinner because i refuse to make a decision about anything. don’t ask me what my favorite movie is, or my favorite book. i have no idea, dude, sorry. BUT the one thing i have incredible clarity about is what i deserve in a relationship. i had impossibly high standards before nathan and i were together and now they’re even higher- but that’s fine when you don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with scrubs to begin with. 

the other day, i found my journal that i kept in college. it starts in august of 2015, with the eulogy i wrote for my dad’s funeral. an excerpt: “despite me acting like an awful teen at times, he always was on my side. i think that’s what i’ll miss the most. i’ll miss having someone who had my back 100%. i’ll miss having someone who was always making sure i was happy…” and after reading that, i realized why my relationship with nathan was so successful. i’ve always heard that “girls always end up marrying someone like their dad” thing, and for the most part always chalked it up to weird patriarchal bullshit, but maybe there’s a little truth in it. because i definitely see some of my favorite things about my dad reflected in my favorite things about nathan. 

september 30, 2019. 1:09am

sometimes the saddest things must be sung. 

every time i try to write, it’s impossible to say anything that’s not just “i’m sad.” i haven’t been feeling great lately. i just feel trapped in this infinite loop of sadness and it’s so exhausting. i don’t like being like this. nathan would always get so frustrated with me when my depression was really bad, and i’d always be like do you think this is fun for me??? do you think i like being like this??? do you think i wake up and want to be a goblin??? newsflash my dude, i don’t. 

here’s the thing: when nathan first died, i was sad all the time. but it made sense. i had a reason to be sad all of the time. 

but i’m still sad all of the time. i wake up, i’m sad for 10 hours and then i go to bed. and then i wake up, maybe go to work, come home and be sad until bedtime. it’s a constant loop of sadness and i am so tired. 

nothing i do fulfills me. nothing satisfies me. i have neither purpose nor direction. i’m tired. and i’m sad. 

october 2nd, 2019. 7:34pm

i went to urgent care today- turns out i don’t have depression, i just have a torn ligament in my ankle. 

for context: i fell down the stairs at work the other day, crunched my ankle like it was an empty ozarka water bottle, and just wrecked my shit. i think this injury has me sadness spiraling a lot more than i normally do. now i get why nathan used to get so depressed whenever he’d injure himself.

the first time i got really sick after nathan died, i was so sad. this is my first ever really bad physical injury- i’ve never broken a bone or torn anything before, and i’m really feeling the loss of nathan right now. like how am i supposed to feed myself when i can barely walk to the kitchen? who’s supposed to remind me to take my ibuprofen every few hours? 

senior year of college, i kept getting strep, and the only reason i didn’t die is because every 12 hours nathan would call me to make sure i took my antibiotics, even when i had to take them at 2am. i only have two voicemails from him saved on my phone and literally one of them is from 3am and he’s like “hello wake up, your penicillin is calling, i’m gonna keep calling you until you wake up.” 

even though spraining my ankle was a nightmare, it could’ve been worse. just think, if i was a framing device in an emily bronte novel, i would have just had to live at work for five weeks until it healed.

october 11th, 2019. 5:37pm

i haven’t been sleeping lately, and last night i fell asleep around 6am. the cold front had just blown in and it was raining and i finally fell asleep. before i went to bed, i cracked my windows open for the first time this year and when i woke up this morning it was chilly in my room. i woke up in a little cocoon of all of my blankets and pillows and for a moment, before i completely opened my eyes, it felt like i was back in new york, waking up with nathan on a fall wednesday morning. it’s the little things.

october 25th, 2019. 2:19am

i keep thinking about all the things that have returned to me. all of the things that i gave to nathan that are back in my possession, tucked away in my room. like the grey ut shirt that was 3 sizes too big for me- so i gave it to him as a christmas present our first year together. he had been in new york for a semester, and he surprised me by coming to austin for new year’s- we hadn’t talked about christmas gifts or anything, but we ended up giving each other almost the exact same gift. he had gotten me a columbia sweater, and he slept in it for a few days before giving it to me, so it smelled like him. i did the exact same thing with that grey shirt. we couldn’t stop laughing when we exchanged the gifts because we were so amused that we’d gotten the same thing for each other. 

after he died, that shirt was one of the few that i kept of his, he slept in it all the time when we lived together. it still smells like him. 

i don’t wear my rings anymore, but when i see them in the bottom of my jewelry box, i think about the day that i gave him the engagement ring. he was so afraid of me saying no if he were to propose to me, so i told him that when i knew i’d say yes- i’d give him the ring i wanted him to use. on our first anniversary, i was visiting him in new york, right before i flew back to texas, i left a letter on his desk, with the ring attached. it returned to me a year after that, on our second anniversary when he proposed.

the day after nathan died, i went through all of his stuff. mostly because i knew i was about to fly back to texas and i didn’t know when i’d return to our apartment, so i wanted to collect all of his important documents that i didn’t want to lose. social security card, IDs, cards, passport, etc. but when i was digging through his backpack, i found a folder, where he’d kept all of the letters and cards i’d given to him throughout the years.

my personal favorite was an envelope that had two things in it: a sample size of the perfume that i’ve always worn, and a letter that just said “for when you miss me.” i gave that to him before we were even together. it was during that weird ambiguous era of our relationship where we were too afraid to commit, but were definitely in too deep to not commit. every time i would leave his apartment, he’d comment on how his pillows smelled like me, and how he missed me- right after he made his decision to go to columbia, we assumed we would never see each other again, so i gave him that letter. 

i was surprised to see all of those letters because that meant that he moved them from his apartment in abilene, to new york, to our apartment in new york, back to texas, and then to philly. 

so in turn, i moved them from philly, back to abilene, and now they’re with me in a box in austin. 

and i hope that one day all of the love that i gave to nathan will return to me. 

november 4th, 2019. 12:31am

in the deepest, blackest night of despair if you can get just one pinhole of light, all of grace rushes in.

november 19th, 2019. 2:20am

i’ve started taking up space again.

december 20th, 2019. 1:41pm

y’know, i’ve been doing pretty well for myself lately, and by that i mean that i haven’t had any major meltdowns. well, except for a couple of days ago. it was a christmas party, and as we all know- i’m not great at being social. but i also never turn down an invitation, which is a strange combination of things that happen to exist at the core of my being. but luckily, i got a plus one. see, with a plus one, i have a buffer there. i can bring one of my more interesting friends to carry conversations for me and then by proxy i become more able to socialize because i have to expend less energy by having that buffer there. anyways the person i was bringing as my plus one cancelled two hours before the event which meant that i had no time to try to get someone else to come with me. and this threw me into a major breakdown. i didn’t even want to go to the party at this point, but i had spent so much money on an outfit that if i didn’t go i would have wasted like 60 dollars. and i sat there trying to put makeup on to go but i kept crying and ruining it and then i chugged three white claws before even showing up at the party and i didn’t eat beforehand because there was supposed to be food there but by the time i was done crying and arrived, there was nothing left and then i drank 5 glasses of wine because it was free and i have social anxiety, and somehow i made it through the night without making a fool of myself, which is a miracle. 

the thing is, i really don’t get upset about a lot of things. but if someone cancels or changes plans on me, especially plans that we’d had set for at least a month in advance, i lose my god damn mind. there is historically nothing that upsets me more. 

but this time around, i realized that it really hurt me because it was the first time that i was confronted with the fact that i no longer have anyone in my life that prioritizes me. like, if nathan was begrudgingly my plus one to an event, he can’t get out of it- it’s non-negotiable. but like, i don’t hold that level of importance in anyone else’s life- there’s always something more important to them and uhhhhh that feeling sucks. 

+++

and that was the last note i wrote in 2019. which brings us to january 2020. when i think about my relationship with nathan, i feel like january always ended up being a special month for us. in 2016, january was the first time i ever spent the night with nathan. in 2017, nathan came back to texas to see me for the new year, after we’d been long-distance for five months. at the end of 2017, he went out of town for like three weeks, and i was miserable and all alone for the holidays, but in january 2018, his last day of vacation back home in abilene coincided with my first day of vacation back in abilene so we got to see each other for a little bit instead of having to go an entire month apart during the holidays. 

so i always end up getting weird and do a lot of reminiscing in january- but i feel like that’s kind of universal. 

like the #1 thing that everyone does is get all existential and contemplative when the new year hits. 

+++

in 2018, i never stopped moving. like a shark, i would have died if i stayed in one place for too long. and there i was in 2019, finally staying in one place.

it was a lot easier to ask for help when i had a reason to be sad. but now enough time has passed since nathan died that i feel like a burden when i’m not doing well. 

in my blog post wrapping up 2018, i said that my goal was to be kinder to myself. i also said that 2019 was going to be for starting a new life.

and while i’ve been no kinder to myself, at least i’ve made strides in living in this new phase of my life. in 2019 i moved out of my mother’s house, and back into my best friend’s apartment in austin. i got 3 jobs. i cut off all of my hair and pierced my nose. i started taking up space again. 

a few weeks ago, a coworker of mine told me that she had also lost a partner before. but what stuck with me was when she said, “you will never be the same. you’ll be happy again, and you’ll fall in love again- but you’ll never be the same person again”

and i’m realizing how true that is. 

i think one of the scariest scenarios is waking up one day and not remembering who you are. and that’s exactly what happened to me in 2018. i woke up one day without nathan and couldn’t remember who i was. 

one thing everyone’s been talking about lately is how this is the end of the decade, and i realized that nathan was in my life for the entire decade. he was in my life before the decade even started. and then when he died, i lost such a huge part of my identity. there’s a bear’s den lyric that’s like “i don’t want to know who i am without you,” and that’s what 2019 was for me.

kintsugi is the japanese art of fixing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with a lacquer mixed with powdered gold. i’ve always been a vase held by shaky hands, constantly on the precipice of shattering- and in 2018 i was dropped. in 2019, i’ve been finding tiny pieces of myself and trying to piece them back together to form a whole person again. 

recently, i’ve been realizing all of the little pieces of me that are missing. like the part of me that used to be good at holding conversations with people. and the part of me that had the ability to be a person for more than like 3 hours a day. and the part of me that showed excitement about things. i don’t even know what things excite me anymore? do i have interests or hobbies? not really. one time, i described myself as a robot that powers off if i am not at work, and wow, what an apt description.

the other day, one of my friends called me out about how she can never tell if i’m actually excited about something or not. my language is always very vague and even when i’m really stoked about something, i rarely show excitement about it. 

+++

so now it’s february 2020. it’s been a year and a half since nathan died. i’m feeling better. the other day, i came to the realization that i think my emotions have finally leveled off. i’m back to my normal amount of unstable, rather than that really virulent level that i was at for awhile at the end of last year. it feels good to finally have a little bit of control back over my life. i’ve finally really settled in at work, and i’m starting to feel more confident in my capabilities. 

so what are my goals for 2020? i think the biggest thing is to find something that i care about. honestly, probably a big part of the reason why i’ve been having such a hard time finding a Big Girl Job to settle into is because there’s just nothing that i’m 100% passionate about. it’s hard for me to find an answer other than “i’m just trying to not die,” whenever i get asked “so why do you want this job?” i really want to find lasting stability this year. i’m tired of not being able to enjoy anything because i don’t have money. whoever said money can’t buy happiness obviously was never poor because let me tell you, i’d be a lot happier if i could afford to go out with my friends more often. or if i could like…….eat 3 meals a day without feeling guilty for wasting food because i know i can live on just one meal a day. 

i also started doing a skincare routine that involves like 4 different serums and i’ve been doing really well keeping up with doing it twice a day and if i could carry that energy through the rest of the year that’d be dope. i would make a comment about how i’ve been going to the gym every day and how i’m trying to have a 2020 glo-up but i was going to the gym every day for awhile but i haven’t been in like two weeks. 

also my chemical romance just reunited so i guess my other 2020 goal is to see them on this reunion tour.

[malachitelibrary]

Master FAQ (Post version for mobile)

This will also be tagged as #FAQ so it is always available for mobile users. This includes every single FAQ question ever that I have. Read this post before sending in any questions, as I will not respond if it is answered here. 

Can I ask you a question? 

Maybe. Did you read the ENTIRE FAQ first? 

But I don’t have time/energy to read the entire FAQ that you used your free time/energy to write and provided for free on tumblr!

Then I don’t have time to help you. 

Do you have a masterpost with all of your resources?

Yes, right here.

Uhmmmm a lot of this sounds fake :/

>me

>caring about what complete strangers on the internet think

>kek.jpg

Do you announce when your readings are open again, and where?

I make a post announcing when they are back open again, and additionally update my services page. These are generally found in the tag #update or #status.

Is (X magic thing) safe?

Nothing is ever truly safe. Though you can reduce potential troubles by being cautious, open-minded, and by using your brain.

How can I improve X magic skill/How do I git gud?

Do it. Do it a lot, at least 30 times. Yes, counting does help. While aid such as meditation, enchantments, etc may make skills easier to learn, they still don't replace actually doing the work. Also, read up on the concept of deliberate practice, and try to use it.

Ah, you know a (insert species name)/have a (insert species name) companion! Does that mean you know (insert specific name like Malek, Arghradan, etc)?

No?? That would be like going "Hey you're a human?? Do you know someone named Azir?" Just because I know one (1) spirit doesn't mean I or my spirit knows every single member of their species.

Can I rant/vent to you?

Are you someone that has spoken with me regularly several times over the course of at least a few weeks, and are therefore a friend I have a personal connection with?

>If YES, go ahead.

>If NO, don’t. Why are you trying to rant to a total stranger on the internet????? I am not your friend nor your therapist. It would be far more in your benefit if you made friends you could rant to or saw a therapist about what’s bothering you. 

I had a weird dream! (Insert long story). What does it mean?

Dreams and symbolism in them are highly, highly personal. There is no way for me to know what certain symbols mean to you, you must decide for yourself. You can use Google for help though.

I think I’m seeing signs! (Insert long story) Do you think it’s a sign? And what does it mean?

Signs are also highly personal. There is no way for me to know what a sign means to you. Use your own discernment in determining if something is a sign.

This spirit was scary! Is it a demon (as in the actual spirit species demon and not demon as in ‘evil spirit’)?

“This spirit was scary/malicious/hurt my feelings” is not a legitimate reason to jump to the conclusion that the spirit you encountered is of the demonic species.

I’m having issues with a malicious spirit. (Insert long story). What should I do? 

Banish, cleanse and protect. The answer will always boil down to this. 

I do not have beginner resources on my blog (besides the FAQ) so you will have to look elsewhere for those. There are many beginner-friendly blogs on tumblr but I am not one of them. 

What blogs do you recommend for beginners/what blogs are beginner-friendly, then?

spiritconnect, spiritvexer, urbanspellcraft, delicate-flower-here, stormbornwitch (weather/storm magic), nightkunoichi (dragons and dragon magic), mothmaam (sea and general magic), hecaatia, orriculum, blackbearmagic

What are some blogs with intermediate/advanced content?

Yours truly ;Vc, duskenpath, daemonwitch, hecaatia, cawofthewitch, baalat-ov, tinyrosemarysparrows

Why don’t you write beginner posts??

I don’t fucking want to.

I don’t want like writing unoriginal shit that has been regurgitated by everyone else.

They’re literally e v e r y w h e r e, like 99% of magic blogs are beginner oriented/friendly, and if someone complains that they have trouble finding beginner posts then that means they really aren’t looking hard enough

As the about says, this blog is not oriented towards beginners

What does UPG/SPG/VPG mean?

UPG: “Unverified Personal Gnosis”. Magical knowledge of a single person with little to no backing in widely accepted lore considered cannon. Very common for entities that are unrecorded in lore, such as Lowborn Demons.

SPG: “Shared Personal Gnosis”: Magical knowledge that is shared between many people, but still has no backing in widely accepted lore. Again, common for unrecorded entities.

VPG: “Verified Personal Gnosis”: Magical knowledge that is shared but also backed time and time again in lore. These are the closest things to “truth” you will get.  Example: Juno is a Roman Goddess who ruled over mothers, marriage, and money of the state. Example 2: European fae usually have bad reactions to metal.

Note 1: Some people use “gnosis” as meaning SOOOOPER special knowledge that fundamentally changes your entire craft/perception. Others mean it as general magical knowledge, like I did above.  

Note 2:  Just because something is in a book doesn’t mean it’s automatically verified. Most books are simply UPG/SPG that someone wrote down. Time + very high amounts of SPG are what lead to something becoming VPG.

Note 3: Just because something is UPG, doesn’t mean it’s inherently false.

How do I get started in (magic, spirit work, energy work, witchcraft, etc)?

Research, find out what you like, then do it to find out if you like it. If you like it, keep doing it. I’m not going to answer broad questions like this because the answer will always be the same.

What do you use for bibliomancy/random quotes divination?

I use this.

How did you remember your past lives?

I remembered by doing a gigantic past life reading (about 30 cards), meditating on them a bit, and then doing activities similar to the ones in my memories. Because one past life played video games, playing video games in this life helped bring up a ton of memories. I call “doing things similar to things in that life” the “association” method.

What should you do with food offerings to spirits? Do I have to wait for it to spoil before I can dispose of the offering?

Usually just let it sit around for 5-20 minutes, as long as its enough time for the spirit to eat the energies. You definitely don’t have to wait for it to spoil.

Some people dump it onto the dirt/bury it (called a libation I believe?), some eat it (some spirits are okay with that and others are not tho, so u best ask), some just throw it out.

Can you tell me about/do you know anything about (insert demon name)?

Unless they are Prince Gaap or Duke Crocell, assume that I know very little about them. If you want to ask about Gaap or Crocell, please use their names and not their numbers.

If they aren’t Gaap/Crocell, I don’t know anything off of the top of my head as I have never worked with them. I recommend reading excerpts from:

The Pseudomonarchia Daemonum by Johann Weyer

Lesser Key of Solomon

Dictionnaire Infernal  

From the Luciferian Goetia by Michael Ford (2007)

From Daemonolatry Goetia by S. Connolly (2010)

The first three can be found online for free rather easily and are considered “free” sources as far as I know since they’re old texts. The last two you can find on amazon; I do not recommend pirating modern books because 1) you can’t complain how few good magical books there are and then not support the authors, 2) book curses.

You are still free to send in questions like this, however, expect this passage Copy+Pasted maybe with some recommendations of other sources.

What's a book curse?

A book that is cursed, usually to prevent plagiarism or the wrong people/people not given permission from reading it.

Do you work with Lucifer/can you tell me about Lucifer/etc?

No I do not work with Lucifer, and I do not have any plans to. Please do not ask me about Lucifer as I do not work with them.

Is god real/Do they really judge people/other god related questions?

That is something you should answer for yourself.

My personal take:

There are 2394832094839204 angels saying god is real so yeah there might be someone up there.

Saying you will go to hell is fearmongering that is common in many religions

If everyone who didn’t believe in god went to hell, most of this earth’s previous population would be there, and all spirits unrelated to god (such as most fae, most werewolves etc) would also be there.

Do not ask me questions related to god, I am no expert, I do not work with or follow him. Questions I deem too relevant to this will just be deleted.

Are all demons evil?

Are all humans evil? Are all angels good?

How do I practice magic secretly/in my own house without being found out?

I refuse to give advice on this since it’s illegal to give “religious advice” to minors without parental permission in the United States. Sorry, since I use this blog to make money on the side a bit, I would rather not have ways for potential lawsuits open. 

What demons are good for beginners?

Lowborns, because for the most part they are exactly like us but even nicer in their daily lives. Other than that there is no way to gauge what is good for a “beginner”, as “beginners” vary a lot in what they feel ready for/what they think they may be able to handle.

However, I advise against Goetics (demons from the Ars Goetia/Lesser Key of Solomon) as many have a bad reputation for becoming manipulative/abusive, as in A MUCH HIGHER RATE THAN WITH ANY OTHER KIND OF ENTITIES. Also, Gaap and Crocell have straight up told me that they do not enjoy beginners.

How do I start work with demons?

1) Pick what kind of demon you want to work with, there’s tons of companion shops who can match you with safER ones. If you reaallly want to work with Hellborns that badly, try for hellborns that live in the above-ground version of Hell: the above-ground Hell is much, MUCH nicer than the underground portions (where many of the Goetic demons reside) . MoonSpiritBoutique is the only companion shop I can recommend and still have a clean conscience.

2) talk to them and chill with them

What other blogs do you recommend for those looking to work with demons?

daemonwitch is super cool, cloversinthecornfield , and serraphire also know a bit!

What blogs do you recommend on working with angels?

seraphickalmagick (the person has moved blogs, but their old informational posts are still up!), serapphire, waywardfrog, have a few informational posts!

I do not know if the following have info posts but: @baalat-ov has a few posts about them from a variety of perspectives, @seraphsweetie , @spiritadvice, @void-and-stardust , @melancholyprophet,  @angelusmisericordiae, and @nobodyandheartless

@atheliel, @confusedsmolangel, @dreamingofangelicflight, @azriaphale, @zxdkiel are some angel kin I’ve seen floating around, and @quietdawnflock is an angelic group chat I have heard of.

Do you accept reading swaps, versus paying?

I accept reading swaps, but not from those who consider themselves a beginner on their tool/not confident of their accuracy. Quality for quality.

Protection FAQ

Why is magic protection so highly recommended for magic users? What is the point? And what can they realistically do for you?

It can help protect you if a spell you cast backfires for any reason.

It can help protect you from other magic-users’ curses.

It can help protect you from spirits, which notice people who use magic much more than non-magic people.

It can help protect you from mundane issues, such as dissuade car crashes, creeps, etc.

Note that I say HELP protect because while protection magic can decrease the likeliness of unwanted scenarios, it is almost never a 100% guarantee for safety.

When do I need to protect?

It is HIGHLY recommended to have protections at all times, no matter what sort of magical work you are doing. Protection magic rarely if ever backfires, and can protect you from your own spells backfiring and other things.

For spirit work, you ALWAYS need to have protections up. Because of course, bad spirits, yadda yadda.

For energy work (especially healing), you ALWAYS need to have protections up. Because maybe a person’s energy is toxic/incompatible to you for whatever reason. Also someone you’re healing may be carrying a parasite, which can just jump from the person you are healing to you, if you do not have protections.

For any sort of magical work, it is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. As again, it protects from others’ curses, and can protect you from your own spells backfiring.

What exactly am I protecting? (house/self/other) What can I protect/protect against?

You could attempt to protect everything and anything, against anything and everything. However, casting a protection spell for everyone is just not realistic.

Some common things to protect are (NOT LIMITED TO THIS LIST):

Yourself (Against magical harm, against physical danger,against illness)

Your home (Against robbery, against fires/other damage)

Your pets (against physical/magical harm)

Your car (against car crashes, against your own clumsiness)

What is a ward? What is shielding?

I define a ward as a protective wall of energy. It can be over your house, over a room, anything, including yourself. Though some people call wards on their person “shielding”.

How do I set up magic protections? (Including wards).

How to make a ward through visualization: Imagine a protective wall of energy made out of whatever elements you want. So fire, water, void, whatever.

How to make a ward/other magical protections with materials:

1. Light the incense/candle, lay the satchet of herbs out, whatever

2. Say something/hold a thought in your mind that hints at protective intent. Example: As I light this candle, it forms a protective ring around me/my space.

3. You are protected.

More Detail: What are wards and how do you make them? by @spiritvexer

How to make protections with sigils:

1. Draw something that symbolizes protection to you.

2. Charge it.

3. You are protected.

What resources do YOU have on magical protections/staying safe magically?

Ward Types and Components

Top Ward Mistakes I

Top Ward Mistakes II

How to Identify and Deal With an Unruly Spirit

Others’ resources on magical protections?

NOT my resources, all resources have been credited .

Harry Potter Inspired Ward Incantations by @diasdreams​

What are wards and how do you make them? by @spiritvexer

What are the best ways to protect yourself when trying to communicate with spirits?  @spiritvexer​

If you want your ORIGINAL protection post featured in this FAQ, just send it to me and I can add it in!

So I’ve come across something that got through my best wards…

Banish it.

Is relying on banishment ok if I don’t want to protect?

I mean, I guess. You’re probably going to do a LOT of banishing though, since anything can waltz right in. Might be a good way to practice for the more daring, but not recommended.

I cannot find a protection spell that works for my situation.

Write your own, and/or keep looking.

I have heard protection can keep out good spirits, is that true?

It can be true, if your protections are not selective enough. Selectivity is the ability of a protection to differentiate between good and bad; so you must create a ward with decent selectivity. To do this, I recommend having a list of EVERYTHING that you specifically allow through your wards, and everything you can think of that you do not want coming through your wards. Then, create your wards with that list in mind.

This will not be an issue for wards/other protections with good selectivity.

I don’t want to protect because I…

Don’t even ask that.

When do I know it’s time to upgrade my protections?

If, DESPITE your protections:

entities are breaking in often

You are hit by curses/other mal-intent

When healing others, you keep picking up their negative energy/parasites

You feel like it.

You want to.

Note that the reasons to upgrade your protections are not limited to this list.

How do I protect an apartment when I have no access to land to bury a witch jar?

Keep the jar in your house. You do not need to bury a jar to protect your living space.

ALSO, burying a jar is LITTERING. Bury it in something biodegradable instead, like a coconut, big leaf for example. Make sure what is in the coconut/leaf/etc is biodegradable as well.

This will be updated every once in a while maybe. Again, please check this FAQ before you ask me any questions concerning this, please ^-^ I won’t respond if the question is already answered here.

Energy Work FAQ:

What does energy feel like?

It just…feels like energy. Energy, in a way, is a catch-all term. There really isn’t a way to describe the whole of energy; sure, you can describe parts of it, like the texture, color, or scent.

Does everything have energy? Even inanimate things like paper, crystal?

Yes everything has energy- science says so too because you know, potential and kinetic energy- though that’s not the only parts of energy you can sense.

Are there any energies that are better for beginners to start with while sensing?

I wouldn’t say so, I believe it’s best to do it wherever and whenever you can. There’s no place or energies that are better than any other to sense

How do I sense energy?

This is the tl;dr version but honestly there is not much more to sensing energy than this. It is genuinely simple

1. Ask yourself, “What does the energy of (insert thing here) feel like?”

2. Use your gut/intuition and pay attention to whatever comes to mind.

3. Practice.

How do I send energy?

This is the tl;dr version but honestly there is not much more to sending energy than this. It is genuinely simple. You do not need to be able to see energy with your physical eyes or third eye to be able to send energy.

1. Focus on your target or a representation of your target.

2. Imagine energy flowing from you/your energy source to your target. You do not need to be able to see energy with your physical eyes or third eye to be able to send energy.

Do I need to see energy with my physical eyes or third eye to be able to sense or send energy?

You do not need to be able to see energy with your physical eyes or third eye to be able to send or sense energy.

What kind of exercises can I do to strengthen my energy sensing skills? How can I practice?

Basically just try to sense energy everywhere; try to feel the energy of a certain object, try to feel the energy of a certain room. Then describe it; and try to be specific in your descriptions. At first you might just be like “the room feels nice”, but as you keep trying to grind for detail it will turn into “the room feels nice because of the plant energies and generally calm and warm emotions of the owner of this bedroom”. So basically just try and practice anywhere, everywhere! You don’t need any specific tools/items to do this which is why u can practice anywhere.

But how do I know I’m right? How can I verify that’s what the actual energies are and not something I’m just thinking is there because I want it to be?

Your gut, practice, and possibly input by other people/spirits. There’s no way to scientifically/empirically verify that whatever you sensed was right. You’re just going to have to be confident in yourself.

What is grounding? When should I ground? And how do I ground?

Grounding is an energetic exercise that can help balance and cleanse your own energies. This is only one version of “grounding”; grounding is sometimes used as a catch-all term to bring yourself back to reality, out of magical feelings. You can ground before/after a magical working, and whenever you want.

1. Sit or lie down somewhere

2. Imagine roots extending from your back down into the ground

3. Imagine those roots absorbing energy from the ground and giving it to you, and/or have a second root branch that gives your negative/unnecessary energy back to the earth.

4. Do as long as you want.

A few Not-Energetic Exercise forms of grounding, to bring you back to reality, are:

Eating food

Going for a walk outside

Playing video games

Talking to others about mundane topics

It is not limited to these few, these are just a few examples. Anything where yu are focusing on the mundane/physical reality an be considered the not-energetic exercise form of grounding.

What is centering? When should I center? How do I center?

Centering is the act of gathering your lost/scattered energy. It can also be used to raise/store energy for a magical working. Center whenever you want and/or before a magical working.

1. Focus on yourself

2. Imagine glowing bits of your lost/scattered energy flowing back into yourself.

HEALING FAQ:

Can healing magic replace going to the doctor/psychiatrist?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO. No. Absolutely not. The origins/cause of physical/mental issues are mundane 99.9999% of the time, and thus should be treated with mundane treatments first. Even if you believe the cause is spiritual/magical in nature, it could never hurt to get yourself checked out through a mundane method.

Do I need to be born with the ability to heal?

No??? Not at all.

Do you have to have a certain personality to be able to heal?

Not at all, no.

Can some people heal easier than others?

Yes, the ones that practice healing more will have an easier time performing healings.

How do I become a healer?

1. Want to heal stuff.

2. Go cast healing spells/do healing energy work.

How long do I have to practice healing before I can consider myself a healer?

There is no minimum length of time you have to practice healing. You could call yourself a healer as soon as you cast your first healing spell. In my opinion, it is more about the intent/willingness to heal others that makes you a healer, than the length of time.

Can I do healings on animals?

Yep!

Can I do healings on myself?

Yes, absolutely. When you get a bruise, does someone have to swoop in and heal it? No, your body repairs itself. Same applies to magic; you are perfectly capable of healing yourself magically.

Is it safe to try healing someone else?

Yes, as long as use your own caution, common sense, and communicate with the healing recipient, it will be. For minimum safety guidelines I suggest you ward and cleanse beforehand (yourself and the person you are healing/have them cleanse themself), and cleanse yourself again afterwards.

Can you heal spirits/entities?

Yes, though energy bodies will vary more than on Earth, so you will have to be more cautious.

Will it be alright to be a healer if I have issues myself?

As long as those issues don’t interfere with the actual sending of healing energy, and you cleanse yourself before and afterwards and ward , you should be fine.

What resources do you have on healing/healing-related energy work?

Energy Work FAQ

Jelly’s Energy System Notes: Introduction

Types of Energetic Blockages/Anomalies

Healing: Communicating With Points

How to Read an Energy System

Types of Energy Reading

Detecting and Dealing with Energy Parasites

What types of energies are used in healing?

You can use whatever energies you want. Some people use white light, others like one of the four traditional elements (water, earth, fire, air); all types of energies can be used for healing. However, I recommend asking the recipient what types of energies work best with them, and what energies do not , or harm them. Energies that work best with the recipient are absorbed more easily and thus can usually heal more effectively. Energies that they do not work well with, however, can actually do harm, thus defeating the point of the healing.

What preparations should be done before healing?

These are not 100% necessary, but I highly recommend them for maximum safety: Cleanse whomever you’re cleaning/have them cleanse themself, cleanse yourself, ward yourself/your connections/link against possible parasites/the recipient’s negative energy. You may also want to gather energy, possibly through grounding and/or centering beforehand. Again, none of these are strict requirements but everything in the first sentence is highly recommended for maximum safety and ease of healing process.

How can you find beings to practice healing on?

Ask your friends/people you know well

Offer your healing services on tumblr. And do ask that people leave reviews, so that you are able to learn.

Ask your spirit guides/guardians/companions if you could practice healing on them.

Heal yourself.

What are some simple ways to practice healing?

Heal yourself after a hard day at work/school.

Heal yourself after watching a show/movie or reading a book that had a sad scene and made you cry.

Do a healing on yourself at regular intervals, maybe once a week, or once a month.

How can I get better at healing?

Practice, actually do the healing.

Ask your spirits/entities/guides/guardians if they could help teach you healing.

Ask people you know that do healing, for tips on how to git gud at healing.

Ask for feedback/reviews when you perform healings.

What healers do you know on tumblr?

I know @duskenpath and @spiritvexer offer healing services, however check if their services are open before asking them for a healing.

There is also myself, though I do not heal for free.

Anyone who would like to get the word out about their healing services is free to IM me so I can edit them in!

What do you know about Reiki?

I know that it is a type of healing energy work, using the energy of the Universe. It was founded by Usui, and you need an attunement to be able to send reiki energy. I do not use Reiki so I am no expert on it, however Duskenpath has resources on it and offers reiki healing (though check that her healing services are open first).

Can healing magic replace going to the doctor/psychiatrist?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO. No. Absolutely not. The origins/cause of physical/mental issues are mundane 99.9999% of the time, and thus should be treated with mundane treatments first. Even if you believe the cause is spiritual/magical in nature, it could never hurt to get yourself checked out through a mundane method.

How does healing physical ailments versus mental versus emotional ailments work?

Physical ailments: The person should REALLY REALLY go to the doctor first. If the origin is mundane in nature, healing magic will be absolutely ineffective unless the person is already receiving physical treatment for their physical issue. For physical ailments, healing magic can do nothing but cover up the symptoms until the person receives mundane treatment for their mundane physical issue.

Physical ailments are tied to the physical body first and foremost, and the energetic system second, IF they actually show up in the energetic system. That’s right- a physical ailment might not even show up in someone’s energy system because of that fact. This is why I stress so, so hard to go to the doctor for physical ailments.

While miracles are possible, they are few and far between, hence the term, “miracles”. If you want to use magic for physical healing, rather than trying to put healing energies on the physical wound, it would be more effective to cast spells that encourage going to the doctor, such as summoning a trip to the doctor, or a spell to make the trip to the doc smoother/more effective. Of course, be sure to actually schedule an appointment and go.

Mental: Same as above, please go to the doctor/psychiatrist first if the issue is severe. Many mental illnesses are due to chemical imbalances in the brain, and thus cannot be effectively treated with magic alone.

Emotional: Again if your issue is severe, please please go to a doctor/psychiatrist first. However, being slightly more often non-physical in origin, these issues are more likely to show up in someone’s energetic system. An emotional issue can show up in nearly all points or energetic flowpaths.

Astrally, is it possible to use healing to replace lost limbs?

Yes, though that is rather advanced healing magic, and will take some time if you want to learn healing that far.

Astral FAQ

These are Frequently Asked Questions I get about astral. Please check this guide before asking me questions concerning astralling! This will be updated regularly, as I receive more questions.

What is the astral?

Note that this is MY definition: I consider the astral to be absolutely everything; our plane of existence, spirits’ planes of existence, pop culture realms, etc. The astral is everywhere and everything.

How does astral travel work?

When you travel, a small portion of your consciousness leaves your body.

This consciousness manifests as its own body on the astral, or it could “awaken” in an astral body you already have. In travel, you do not see/hear/feel/think as clearly as you do during projection, simply because only a portion of your consciousness has left your body.

What is astral travel versus astral projection versus OBE?

Note, again, these are MY definitions:

In astral travel, a PORTION of your consciousness leaves your body and is able to explore other realms.

In Astral Projection, nearly your entire consciousness leaves your body. Astral projection is much harder to achieve than travel. This is the “gold standard” of astral travel, where you see/hear/feel/think with complete or almost complete clarity.

In an OBE, Out-of-Body-Experience, your consciousness FULLY leave your body. As of right now, I do not believe this is possible without a near-death experience, or actual death.

What are some ways to astral travel?

Meditate.

Guided meditations

Trance

Have a spirit you know and trust “pull” you into the astral.

(Visualization) Imagine a door. Imagine/focus on what is on the other side of the door. Walk through it.

(Visualization) Imagine an X (pool, mirror, etc). Imagine/focus on what is on the other side of X. Walk through it.

Lucid Dreaming

“Splitting”: Imagine a copy of yourself hovering above you. Notice your consciousness in your own body, then “jump” your consciousness into that copy of yourself floating above you. Proceed to go where you want.  

What are some ways to astral project?

Just….keep practicing astral travel, maybe try new methods. I highly recommend reading Astral Dynamics by Robert Bruce, I have literally NEVER EVER found a more comprehensive, extremely informative, and yet still beginner-friendly and not overly complex guide to astral travel/projection.

Differentiating “true astral” from imagination?

True Astral:

will always have external interactions that are not in your own head; entities talking/living their own lives whether your imagination/consciousness directs them to or not. Entities moving independently of your will.

Spirits (good or bad) being able to follow you back home, to your physical body and interact with you there

Unexpected/Unpredictable occurrences happen

You get injured and it may hurt your astral body and maybe feel it a little physically too. Injury damages your magical abilities/astral abilities

Your astral body can die and you won’t be able to access “true astral” until you regenerate.

You can meet other humans consciously. As in, you can text your friend and meetup on the astral together, and talk about it IRL afterwards.

Imagination:

You are in full control of everything.

What you expect to happen, will happen

Entities are like puppets or dolls; they don’t move around unless you imagine them doing so, and if/when they interact with you, it’s things you expected them to say

You will not tire, or will tire extremely slowly.

You die/get extremely hurt and nothing happens. You can regenerate at will/heal whenever and wherever you want.

You talk to your friend, then you talk to them later IRL and they have no idea what you talked about.

Why do people always imagine common fantasy stuff when astralling? Don’t you think astral and what happens there is just your imagination and happens in your head? I mean strangely all the people who talk about astral experiences describe common fantasy stuff. I’d say if astral was real it would contain a lot of stuff people can’t even imagine, and yet everyone describes dragons, elfs, etc, that which their mind already knows, nothing out of ordinary. Isn’t this suspicious?

One reason people generally imagine common fantasy is stuff is because that’s what most people care about, and thus go to. It’s hard to care about a species that humanity has never even encountered before, isn’t it? Also, how can you visit the realm of something you have never even heard of/can’t imagine before? Astral travel needs knowledge of where you will go to, so it’s pretty hard (and probably super dangerous) to just say “take me somewhere beyond my imagination.”

There’s also the problem of perception: during astralling, the mind usually replaces things you don’t know with things you do know of, to use less energy while astralling. While you can force your brain to show “the truth”, the more the thing you are trying to look at is beyond your imagination, the more energy and effort it will take to see “the truth”.

How do you do astral laundry?

Note: Not limited to this list.

Have a companion you’re comfortable with seeing you nude do your laundry for you.

Astral travel two feet away from your earth self, take your astral clothes off, put them in your washer/dryer (with your astral self or earth self), physically run the washer/dryer (you can wash other clothes with it). Take your clothes out, travel again and put your clothes back on.

Destroy your clothes and remake clean ones.

How do past lives affect current astral shenanigans?

You might appear as one of your past life forms/bodies. Spirits from your past lives could also attempt to find you on the astral (whether malicious or friendly, so always be cautious).

How to meet spirits on the astral?

Tl;dr:

1. Be able to astral and able to distinguish between astralling/imagination.

2. Go somewhere with spirits.

How to safely meet spirits on the astral?

There is no 100% guarantee of safety when astralling.

Some suggestions are:

Have spirit guides/guardians/protective companions take you somewhere safe

Actually know where you are going and who you want to meet

How do you keep possibly malicious spirits/entities/beings from following you back home?

This is what wards in your living space/where you are when you astral are for. Wards can fuddle your energy signature from being found by spirits you don’t want to find you.

Make sure you “come back” correctly; that you walked back through your imagined door, imagined yourself falling back into your physical body, whatever.

Do a centering exercise, which will help you “pull back in” trace amounts of energy you left where you went when astralling. Do make sure your wards are up first, to make sure nothing follows the “pull” back to your physical body. If you don’t know what centering is/how to do it, check the “energy work” section of my FAQ/my energy work FAQ post.

Manners/social etiquette/social skills in the astral?

Obviously those will vary a LOT based on where you go. I literally can’t write a comprehensive guide as the astral is home to a limitless number of cultures.

But some things to keep in mind are:

Don’t fight every single thing you see ever. Don’t try and provoke fights with every single thing ever. Retribution is a thing and the majority of spirits have the advantage when fighting in the astral.

Just because something looks scary doesn’t mean it’s out to get you.

Observe the culture, maybe talk with some of the nicer (and not trickster) locals who can tell you the Do’s and Don’ts of their culture.

Heeeeeeey people keep talking about different places in the astral and are they alternate locations all on the same plane or are there alternate astral planes with alternate inhabitants?

There are alternate astral planes with their own inhabitants, and alternate locations on the same plane.

Example of the former: We are on earth. Heaven exists on its own plane of the universe.

Example of the latter: We are on Earth. An alternate location on our plane of existence would be Venus.

Is it possible for entities/other people to drag you into the astral (forcefully or not)?

Absolutely, both people and entities can bring you to the astral. And they can do it forcefully or consensually (consensually obviously takes a lot less energy).

------------------------------------------------------------

Anyone who wants to is free to copy/paste this FAQ and use it on their blog, full permission given. It’s not like most of the answers on here are original/haven’t been regurgitated a billion times by the magic community lmaoooo