#but yeah making a rare exception and re-blogging myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

needs-to-stop-looking-at-yigas · 4 years ago

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This blog <3 I go back to re-read everything when I need to smile! So... while re-reading the spanking one, I noticed Kohga says he's into being treated like a degenerate. Consider... Kohga ordering Sooga to reverse roles and just really *use* Kohga for a day. Tease him, rough him up, use him.... treat him like a degenerate, as Master Kohga likes!

Translation; make Sooga a fucking top and make Kohga take it. I gotchu, I gotchu

"Sooga! Get in here!"

Sooga entered the napping spot, as Kohga commanded. He was hesitant the second he saw what Kohga was reading. The rumor mill, written by some mad woman named Traysi. He’d never met her, and he’d like to keep it that way. She wrote nothing but gossip, horoscopes, and just stuff that numbs your brain. It was sad, how much Kohga LOVED her work. However, he tried not to sigh, knowing damn well what was coming.

“Yes, Master Kohga.”

“Traysi just printed out this new relationship couple advice column, and it’s SUCH a great idea, we’re gonna do it!”

“I’m scared to ask, but what is it we’re doing exactly?”

Kohga got off the bed, and held the page to Sooga, as if he was proud to show it off. Sooga glanced over the small column, and to some it up, it said ‘trade roles for the day. Trade chores, routines, and positions ;)’. Sooga cocked his head to the bit.

“So...you do all MY chores for a day? And I do yours?”

“Yep! For a whole day! Starting right now!”

Sooga stood there for a moment, before he damn near pouted.

“I already don’t like this.”

“Oh come on! Give it a shot, for me! Please, Sooga.”

“...if it’s for you. I suppose I can try.”

“Atta boy! So, what is it YOU do around this time?”

Sooga thought about it for a moment, counting them on his fingers as he listed them off.

“Right now? I train the foot soldiers, I make sure their rooms are clean, I re set the traps, I feed the keese, I check inventory, and of course I make notes for you to review. I was about to get started on all of that when you summoned me.”

Kohga clearly didn’t like the idea of all of that work, but didn’t say a thing as he just slowly nodded.

“Alright. That’s not THAT bad I guess-”

“That’s within the hour. But you’re Master Kohga, surely you can handle it. I’m more worried about MY tasks I’m supposed to do.”

Kohga put his hands on his hips, and motioned outside.

“Oh it’s terrible. You have to sit in the kitchen, eat a full meal, and take a LONG nap after you do an hour of training.”

“...I like one of those three things.”

“I like none of YOUR things. Except knowing we’re doing something new. So, let’s go.”

Kohga was about to walk out, when Sooga’s words suddenly halted him.

“Wait a moment. So...I essentially get to do what I want?”

“I mean...yeah, I guess? I mean don’t milk it but-”

“Let me hold your hand and call you precious.”

Kohga looked around, as if expecting a joke, but received no such thing. He sighed, putting his hand into his, and let Sooga look at him in absolute awe for a good second.

“Happy?”

“You are so precious, and I love you.”

“Holy shit you’re a sap. Can I go and get started? This shit is already a lot, and your food is getting cold.”

Sooga let him go, but already missed him. Oh well. He could power through the day. Right?

------------------------

“I. Fucking. Hate. Your. Life.”

“I didn’t want to be rude, but I do too.”

Kohga had done nothing but WORK. Filing reports, re setting traps, making sure everything was in line and in order, and THEN, and THEN, he had to write all this shit down. He plopped down right on top of Sooga, who looked like he was suffering just as much.

“How was training?”

“Awful. I never ate so much in one setting, and I’ve never made myself sleep so often in the day. SEVERAL times. I feel bloated, exhausted.”

“My body hurts with all this bullshit. I forgot how many traps we got around this bitch. I...kinda forget how much you do around here. AND with me bossing you around to boot.”

Sooga chuckled, lightly patting his back.

"You bossing me around is the best part of my day. If anything, my days would be longer without you."

Kohga chuckled, lightly thunking his forehead against his chest. It was exhausting, but in a way, he was happy they did it. He liked seeing just how much work Sooga went through on the daily. Not just for the clan, but for him. Kohga was about ready to take a nap, when Sooga cupped his face in his hand, lightly squishing it, just how HE would do.

“You know, as much as I’d hate to have to do your daily things...I think there is SOME merit to this activity. I have a new...perspective on something. A different thing that needs to be taken care of.”

Sooga strummed his finger up his chest, before lightly tapping his mask. Kohga sat there, confused for a moment, before he laughed.

“Sooga! You talkin’ what I think you’re talkin?”

“Quite. We’ve both had a long day. Besides, it’s your job to do what I want, isn’t it?”

“Ah, gettin’ smart with me! Alright, you lay on your-”

Sooga held his finger up, and Kohga was silenced, mostly because he was stunned. This fucker was doing HIS bit! The balls on this guy! Kohga folded his arms across his chest, trying not to pout, and forced himself to be silent. Sooga was letting the power get to his head, and Kohga...kinda liked it. Sooga tried not to be too giddy as he continued.

“I make the choices. Now, I do believe you’re supposed to be my big, strong bodyguard, act like it.”

Kohga was trying not to burst into tears, and Sooga was damn near trying the same. Kohga puffed up his chest, holding his arms to the side like a Lynel.

“Right, I’m stupid, thick, and so emotionally constipated because I have my head up my ass.”

Sooga scoffed, clearly not impressed with his impersonation. But it seemed as though two could play at this game. Sooga suddenly laid back, right across Kohga’s lap, leg up in the air, and the back of his palm against his forehead.

“Oh! I’m so great despite my commitment issues! Look at my GREAT legs!”

“Aw, you think I have nice legs?”

“Everyone thinks you have nice legs.”

Kohga cupped his cheek, and for a moment, Kohga felt himself swooning. It was so rare to see Sooga as NOT a stick in the mud for a chance. It was rare to see him...be a person. Kohga was about to call the whole thing off, get some cuddle time in as a reward, when suddenly Sooga had him on his stomach, head pushed against the pillow. His breath was husky against his ear, and Kohga swore it made everything in him tingle.

"You remember our safe word, right?"

"Y-yeah?"

"Good. Because I'm going to play with my fussy kitty till he's finally satisfied."

Sooga loomed over him, locking their legs together, as if Kohga would try to run from him. Sooga was still nervous, given the few seconds of hesitation in between his words and his actions, but Kohga wouldn’t discredit him for that, not when he was honestly trying his best, not when he was going way out of his comfort zone. Sooga kept his hand over his mouth, while his other hand dug deep into the flesh of his ass. Kohga moaned gratefully into his palm, already mentally ready to clock out. Sooga knew just how to touch his ass, and he loved it.

"Open."

Kohga obeyed, opening his mouth and accepting two of Sooga's fingers. He suckled on them, the same way he would for a cock, and it clearly made Sooga a bit nervous. Him being a top was usually instigated by jealousy, or high affection. When it was a pure swapping of roles...well, Sooga was doing his best to stay calm. Kohga peeled his lips away for a moment, kissing his palm, and letting him know it was okay. Sooga took a sigh of relief, before shoving them back in, a bit forcefully.

"Keep sucking, I didn’t say stop."

Kohga nodded, slurping and suckling, just how he knew best. It helped that Kohga was plenty hard now, given the way Sooga was playing with his ass. He tore his fingers away after a moment, watching his drool coated hand, before Kohga heard the tear of fabric. Sooga was so impatient sometimes, opting for destroying his clothes instead of just taking them off.

"God dammit Sooga, stop ripping-"

"Did I say you can FUCKING talk?"

Sooga delivered a harsh slap on his ass, making Kohga jump. He was still for a moment as pleasure rocketed up his spine. Oh that was a GOOD fucking slap. Sooga sputtered, thinking it had gone too far, when Kohga nodded.

"I'm sorry, I'll be good, I promise."

ANYTHING to get a nice, dominant slap to his ass like that again. Sooga sighed in relief, before slipping his wet fingers into his ass, massaging and stretching his asshole. It felt good, sure, but Kohga was so impatient. Though, Sooga knew that.

"Stop squirming."

"Come on Sooga, you know I don't need prep-"

"Who said this was for you?"

Sooga delivered another strike on his ass, this time making Kohga cry out like a wounded animal. Right on the same spot, oh so hard and oh so sensitive. Sooga's breath was right at his ear.

"This is for me. I like watching how your ass takes it. Now sit there, look pretty, and stop interrupting. Understand?"

Kohga nodded quickly, fingers gripped onto the pillow below him. He sat there, cock throbbing as Sooga massaged his asshole, occasionally delivering swift strikes to his ass. It was like hypnosis, each slap bringing Kohga's mind closer to that lust fueled daze he loved so much. One that made him take it, one that made his mind blank, and his mouth loud. By the time Sooga stopped to admire his work, Kohga was a shaking, horny, drooly mess. He'd take anything in him at this point, and it excited them both. Sooga pulled himself out of his uniform, and laid back on the bed. He patted his lap.

"Up here, kitten. Your turn to do some work."

Kohga shakily forced himself to move onto his lap. He was about to face him and hop on, when Sooga motioned him to turn around. Right, he liked reverse cowgirl, because he was a pervert who liked looking at his ass. He obeyed and turned, holding onto his legs as he slowly sat on his cock. Oh that hit just the spot. Kohga loved cock. He needed it. Needing knowing a big, handsome man was inside of him. And it was why Kohga didn’t move slowly. He moved fast, ass smacking against Sooga as he rode that cock, taking it as quickly and as deep as he could.

"Oh FUCK Sooga, that's the-SHIT!!"

He found himself trembling as Sooga smacked his ass again, nice and hard, with an open palm.

"Keep riding me. Because you don't get to cum until I do."

"B-but-"

"I. Said. Ride. My. Cock. NOW."

Another slap to his ass. Kohga knew he couldn't sit right for a week after this, and he didn't at all care. He still rode him, desperately trying to ignore not only his throbbing cock, but Sooga’s MANY strikes across his ass. Sooga was being so rough with him; striking his ass, occasionally digging his fingers inside his flesh. Then, he suddenly grinded it to a halt.

"Stop."

Kohga grumbled angrily, close to damn near kicking his legs in frustration.

"Dear god WHAT?"

"Move slow."

"B-but-"

"Move. Slow. I want to see it slow. Now, or NEITHER of us are cumming."

Kohga grumbled bitterly, before he forced himself to obey. He moved himself slowly on his cock, letting Sooga watch as his ass inhaled his cock. It was agony, not putting this gerth to proper use. He had no idea how long he was sitting here in agony, but it was enough to make Kohga whine. He wanted his pulsing cock in him, and he wanted it now. Then Sooga decided he had, after a long, LONG while of this slow show, that his Master finally deserved the good shit.

"I cum first. If you cum before me, I am going to be VERY. Angry."

Sooga grabbed the back of his head, and pushed. He was suddenly on top of him again, starting to slam into his ass with that hard, fast pace Kohga was oh so gratefully accepting. As if that wasn't enough. As if that cock pounding at his back door wasn't enough. Sooga wrapped his arm around his face, muffling his cries as his mouth and nose, with his armpit. His hot, sweaty, stinking armpit.

"You want to cum. Wait. I said, wait."

Oh it was so hard. He was leaking precum like a faucet, Sooga smelled just how a man should, SOUNDED like a man should, and FUCK like a man should. Kohga was damn near to tears, wanting to just cum right on Sooga’s cock. Then, in an act of mercy, finally came, pouring his seed into his ass. Oh the way he moaned in his ear. Without shame, without his usual politeness. It was demanding, it was DOMINANT. The second Sooga was done, Kohga swore he saw stars as he too, came. Oh how his cock throbbed as he stained the sheets below. They sat there, panting, sweating messes of men. Sooga chuckled, pecking his cheek.

"Are you...alright-"

"I love you. Holy SHIT I love you."

Sooga damn near snorted, shaking his head.

"I love you too. You wish to stay there for a bit longer?"

"...please."

"Of course, Kohga. You stay there as long as you wish."

Sooga would give Traysi one thing. She definitely helped their change of perspective.

#asks #Kohga #sooga #lemon #good for Kohga tbh #dude needs to be put ion his place sometimes

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butterflies-dragons · 4 years ago

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oh j0nryas know about balticon report, they just think he was being coy (asdjkahs same delusion with s/ns/ns), that he was rambling bc he was trying not to give spoilers. at this point he could go on live and say "no dumbasses there is no j0nrya, there won't be, there never was" (same w pedoships) and they will all be like "omg it is definitely happening in twow, look at how he's trying to divert our attentions, we are onto you george hehehe"

OK let’s review, again, chronologically, all the times that GRRM was being coy and trying to divert his readers’ attention regarding the ships you mentioned:

The “It could be very different things to each of those involved” Alternative: “Mind you!”

JUNE 24, 1999 THE HOUND AND SANSA

Moreta12: I understand, I’ve heard your opinion on that. In ACOK, it seems that the relationship between the Hound and Sansa had romantic undertones. Is that true?

GeoRR: Well, read the book and decide for yourself.

Moreta12: I’ve read the book and I’ve debated those particular scenes with a few others. Half say that it’s romantic and half say it’s platonic. I’ve taken the romantic stance.

GeoRR: It could be very different things to each of those involved, mind you

Moreta12:Yes, but it seem like evidence points towards romantic undertones. Will the Hound appear later?

GeoRR: Yes, the Hound will be in STORM OF SWORDS. In fact, I just finished writing a big scene with him.

[Source]

The “Why are you asking me about Sansa’s sexuality?” Alternative 1: “Are you really asking me when your fave male adult character can fuck a girl, 15 years younger than him, without guilt?” Alternative 2: “Why are you so gross?”

OCTOBER 05, 1999 AGE OF SEXUAL RELATIONS IN WESTEROS

The nature of the relationship between Sandor and Sansa has been a hot topic on Revanshe's board. Sansa's youth has been one focus of the discussion. What is the general Westerosi view as to romantic or sexual relationships involving a girl of Sansa's age and level of physical maturity?

A boy is Westeros is considered to be a "man grown" at sixteen years. The same is true for girls. Sixteen is the age of legal majority, as twenty-one is for us. However, for girls, the first flowering is also very significant... and in older traditions, a girl who has flowered is a woman, fit for both wedding and bedding. A girl who has flowered, but not yet attained her sixteenth name day, is in a somewhat ambigious position: part child, part woman. A "maid," in other words. Fertile but innocent, beloved of the singers. In the "general Westerosi view," well, girls may well be wed before their first flowerings, for political reasons, but it would considered perverse to bed them. And such early weddings, even without sex, remain rare. Generally weddings are postponed until the bride has passed from girlhood to maidenhood. Maidens may be wedded and bedded... however, even there, many husbands will wait until the bride is fifteen or sixteen before sleeping with them. Very young mothers tend to have significantly higher rates of death in childbirth, which the maesters will have noted. As in the real Middle Ages, highborn girls tend to flower significantly earlier than those of lower birth. Probably a matter of nutrition. As a result, they also tend to marry earlier, and to bear children earlier. There are plenty of exceptions.

[Source]

The “Unreliable narrator - Part 1” Alternative: “The much more important lapse in memory that was promised”

JUNE 26, 2001 SF, TARGARYENS, VALYRIA, SANSA, MARTELLS, AND MORE

[GRRM is asked about Sansa misremembering the name of Joffrey’s sword.]

The Lion’s Paw / Lion’s Tooth business, on the other hand, is intentional. A small touch of the unreliable narrator. I was trying to establish that the memories of my viewpoint characters are not infallible. Sansa is simply remembering it wrong. A very minor thing (you are the only one to catch it to date), but it was meant to set the stage for a much more important lapse in memory. You will see, in A STORM OF SWORDS and later volumes, that Sansa remembers the Hound kissing her the night he came to her bedroom… but if you look at the scene, he never does. That will eventually mean something, but just now it’s a subtle touch, something most of the readers may not even pick up on.

[Source]

The “Unreliable narrator - Part 2” Alternative: “It doesn’t mean what you think it means”

OCTOBER 05, 2002 SANSA’S MEMORY

[Note: This mail has been edited for brevity.]

… this is an inconsistency with ASoS more than an outright error. In ASoS, Sansa thinks that the Hound kissed her before leaving her room and King’s Landing. In ACoK, no kiss is mentioned in the scene, though Sansa did think that he was about to do so.

Well, not every inconsistency is a mistake, actually. Some are quite intentional. File this one under “unreliable narrator” and feel free to ponder its meaning

[Source]

The “Unreliable narrator - Part 3” Alternative: “Better ask yourself about Sansa’s psychological state”

NOVEMBER 27, 2007 GEORGE R.R. MARTIN ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS

Here’s a really particular question (which I realize means it probably won’t get asked in a general interview): In A Storm of Swords, there is a chapter early on where Sansa is thinking back to the scene at the end of A Clash of Kings when The Hound came into her room during the battle. She thinks in the chapter about how he kissed her, but in the scene in A Clash of Kings, this actually didn’t happen. Was that a typo or something? —Valdora

GRRM: It’s not a typo. It is something! [Laughs] ”Unreliable narrator” is the key phrase there. The second scene is from Sansa’s thoughts. And what does that reveal about her psychologically? I try to be subtle about these things.

[Source]

The “The answer is No” Alternative: NO!

APRIL 15, 2008 FUTURE MEETINGS, POVS, ARYA’S ROLE, EASTERN LANDS, AND ASSASSINS

[Will Sandor and Sansa meet?]

Why, the Hound is dead, and Sansa may be dead as well. There’s only Alayne Stone.

[Source]

The “He’s a lot more dangerous than he is romantic” Alternative: “BUT THERE IS SAM!”

AUG. 21ST, 2009 AS SER JORAH MORMONT… - NOT A BLOG

weltraummuell: The Hound Oh please don’t cast an old guy for the Hound, his scenes with Sansa are so romantic and erotic, I couldn’t bear if it’d feel creepy all of a sudden. Well, that’s me making demands. LOL

GRRM: Re: The Hound Old guy? No, but… the Hound is still a whole lot older than Sansa, and was never written as attractive… you know, those hideous burns and all that… he’s a lot more dangerous than he is romantic.

kestrana: The Hound Yeah its a “girl always wants the bad boy” kind of thing although Sansa seems to pull something else out of him. It feels so wrong sometimes but I want to see them together again tee hee.

weltraummuell: The Hound Hehe, George, maybe you didn’t intend it, but he turned out to be a very erotic character to female readers. Especially since he’s mutilated and dangerous. Makes him unpredictable and vulnerable which is the most explosive aphrodisiac for a girl’s fantasy. ;)

weltraummuell: The Hound And I know from discussions on other board other women feel just the same about Sandor. He’s an absolute favourite with the ladies!

halfbloodmalfoy: The Hound LOL, you’re such a man. To many of us women, dangerous *is* attractive.

GRRM: The Hound But no one has any love for poor old Sam Tarly, kind and smart and decent and devoted…

[Source]

The “That’s interesting...” Alternative: “They are deeply troubled individuals, Harriet”

22 JUNE 2012 SWORD & LASER VIDEO PODCAST

GRRM: I am sometimes surprised by the reactions, of women in particular, to some of the villains. The number of women over the years who have written to me that their favorite characters are Jaime Lannister or Sandor Clegane [the Hound] or Theon Greyjoy… All of these are deeply troubled individuals with some very dark sides, who have done some very dark things. Nonetheless, they do draw this response, and quite heavily, I think, in the case of some of them, from my female readers in particular.

Veronica Belmont: I’m a big fan of the Hound, myself, actually.

Tom Merritt: Of Sandor? Really?

Veronica Belmont: Yeah, the Hound… Maybe it’s not because I feel any compassion towards them, I’m not really sure what the attraction is. Ah, I’m not going to call it attraction, actually. Let’s just say it’s a fascination, perhaps.

GRRM: [Chuckles] Well, I mean, fascination is one thing, but some of these letters indicate that there really is like a romantic attraction going on there. And I do know there’s all these people out there who are, as they call themselves, the “San/San” fans, who want to see Sandor and Sansa get together at the end. So that’s interesting, too.

Tom Merritt: The TV show has sort of played with that a little, and probably stoked those fires.

GRRM: Oh, sure. And I’ve played with it in the books. There’s something there, but it’s still interesting to see how many people have responded to it.

[Source]

The “I guess I don’t understand women” Alternative: “I'm shook”

JUNE 23, 2015 GRRM Q&A AT THE SCIENCE FICTION BOOKSTORE IN STOCKHOLM

Question: “Is there any fan reactions that you have been surprised by, like is there a character that’s more popular than you thought or have people been shocked by something you didn’t think we would be shocked at?”

GRRM: “I’m reasonably certain what people will be shocked by. I knew that the Red Wedding would provoke a big reaction and it did. I was pretty confident that, you know, throwing Bran out the window and then killing Ned in the first book would get reactions, and indeed they did. All of those worked exactly the way it did to the extent that things that have surprised me, they tend to be smaller things. I guess I… Maybe I should not have, I don’t know. How do I phrase this without getting myself in terrible trouble… I guess I don’t understand women, but I was definitely, you know, way back when, surprised by the number of women who reacted positively to characters like Theon and the Hound as dashing, romantic figures. The san/san kind of thing took me by surprise, I must admit, and even more so the women who, and there are some, who really like Theon. So that surprised me.”

[Source]

The “Comfort level of femininity” Alternative: “That's not a reference for romance”

MAY 29, 2016 BALTICON REPORT

My con friend asked about the Jon/Arya relationship again and brought her (impressive) Game book that had all of her references marked out with little flags. She brought up the Ygritte connections to Arya that Jon saw in her. George did not directly answer yes or no if there would be anything romantic between the two.

George did say, despite what readers see as clues to a romantic relationship between Jon/Arya in the books themselves, he did not confirm this so easily but inferred that what Jon saw in Ygritte was a comfort level of femininity. <<< She and I obviously discussed these comments after the meeting and this was the general feeling.

My con friend was referring to George explaining Jon’s perception: GRRM replied, “You know, I don’t think it’s a reference for that [for romance]. It’s a reference to a certain physical type, and a certain indication of what Jon finds admirable. It’s like someone who reminds you of, you know… Other people might be put off by this, you know, hair that looks like small rodents have been living in there. It doesn’t put him off because he is used to that.”

The “I was making up shit.” Alternative: "I wish I can delete that"

MAY 29, 2016 BALTICON REPORT

After the Coffee Talk just outside the room:

My Con Friend asked about Arya and Jon again. This time GRRM gave some very pointed replies:

GRRM finished (in the hallway now) by saying that he “wished some past things weren’t such strong foreshadowing,” and that he, “wished some new things had stronger foreshadowing then.”

Friend: Ok, if you foreshadowed something in the first book, like, really cleverly hidden, would you then follow through on that hint? For sure?..

GRRM: “Well, this goes with what I said before, the story changes and expands as I write. I wish I was able to go back and make revised drafts, but that’s not going to happen.”

Here is a transcript of the outline discussion and Jon/Arya portion of the coffee talk:

[question about Jon/Arya]

GRRM: “Alright, you’ve thought about this more than I have. I mean it’s simple, Jon is very fond of Arya. They were the two odd birds in the Stark family nest, here. They didn’t quite fit in with the others, they look like each other, they both had the brown hair, you know, as opposed to the auburn hair of Sansa and Bran and Rickon and Robb. So there was always that closeness between them. And, you know, Arya didn’t mind that Jon was a bastard, and Jon didn’t mind that Arya was a tomboy, so there is that closeness there.”

[question about Jon comparing his lover to his sister]

GRRM: “If he did it, uhm… I began writing these books in 1991, and, uhm, I worked on it in 91 and then I got a tv play, so I put it aside to really work on ‘Doorways’ tv pilot and did a tv show in 92-93. In 94 I returned to it [the books] and worked on it. You know, up till then, in my career as a writer, I’d always written the entire book before I opted for sale. That’s unusual. Most writers do chapters and an outline. They write a few chapters, they outline the rest of the book, give that to the publisher and the publisher says ‘oh okay, I’ll take that’.

“As some of you may have noticed, those who have been paying very, very carefully attention, I’m not good with deadlines. And, uh, and I’m not good with outlines, either. I always hated outlines. So with Fevre Dream and with Armageddon Rag and with Dying of the Light and all my novels, I wrote the entire book. I didn’t do chapters and outline. I sat down, I wrote a whole book, and I sent it to my agent and said ‘Look, here’s a whole book, and it’s finished’. That way I ran into no deadline, it was finished before it even went on the market. And it worked well for me. And my initial thought was to do this the same way, but what happened, you know, was in 1994, uhm, when I returned to it and I’m working on it and I’m very enthused about it and I say ‘I really wanna write these Game of Thrones books as the next part’. But I was still in Hollywood and I’d just lost all this groundwork on ‘Doorways’, I was still in… The studios and networks still wanna work with me, so I’m getting other offers, like ‘We want you to write this movie’, ‘we want you to do another tv pilot’. And, you know, I took a couple of them and was ‘Oh god, I gotta have to put the book away again’. Cause I have no deadline [for the book]. You know, when you think Hollywood, they will give you a deadline, you know, they say ‘here, son, write this movie, we want it in three months’.

“So, I said ‘look, if I wanna get back to being a novelist, I’m gonna have to sell this even though it’s not finished’. So I had my 200 pages of Game of Thrones at that point, but they wanted outline. I said ‘I don’t do outlines. I don’t know what’s gonna happen, I figure it out as I go. And that’s how I always did it.’ No, we had to have an outline. So I wrote two pages, a two-page thing about what I thought would happen. It’ll be a trilogy, it’ll be three books, Game of Thrones, the Dance with Dragons, and Winds of Winter. Those were the three window titles. And, uh, it’ll be three books and this’ll happen, and this’ll happen, and this’ll happen. And I was making up shit.

“And I had thought that those two pages were long forgotten, because, of course, the books did sell. They sold in the United States and in Great Britain, both. They sold for enough money that I didn’t have to take any more Hollywood games. So I was able to say ‘no’ around. I had a few less [?] to wind up in in 94 and 95. Once I had, I said ‘no, I don’t want any more movies or tv shows, I’m going to write these books now’. And I started writing the books. And in the process, I pretty much disregarded the outline. The characters took me off in entirely different directions. So, for 20 years I had forgotten that that two-page thing even existed. And then someone in my British publisher, HarperCollins, they got a new office building, uh, brand new offices, and new conference rooms, big conference rooms that they decorated with books and stuff like that. And they named the conference rooms after the writers, so one of the conference rooms [?], and they put up these plastic display cases, including the outline. The two-page outline, yes. [?], they didn’t ask my permission, they just put it up. And in that two-page outline, Jon and Arya become a romantic item.”

“You know, I don’t think it’s a reference for that [for romance]. It’s a reference to a certain physical type, and a certain indication of what Jon finds admirable. It’s like someone who reminds you of, you know… Other people might be put off by this, you know, hair that looks like small rodents have been living in there. It doesn’t put him off because he is used to that.””

[someone says they have 5 minutes left]

“You know, I was pretty pissed that that outline got out there. It should not have happened. Outlines and letters like that are meant only for the eyes of the editor. They shouldn’t go on public display. And, uh, they also [?] my papers on [?], all my papers and correspondence. You know, I’ve been sending that stuff there for years, and it’d be, you know, available for future scholars or whatever, just like the papers of many other writers. Somehow, in the back of my head I was like ‘yeah, 20 years after I’m dead some scholar will go in and find them’. They’re going in right now!” ”

[question if he is still going with the 1991 ending]

“Yes, I mean, I did partly joke when I said I don’t know where I was going. I know the broad strokes, and I’ve known the broad strokes since 1991. I know who’s going to be on the Iron Throne. I know who’s gonna win some of the battles, I know the major characters, who’s gonna die and how they’re gonna die, and who’s gonna get married and all that. The major characters. Of course along the way I made up a lot of minor characters, you know, I, uhm…Did I know in 1991 how Bronn, what was gonna happen to Bronn? No, I didn’t even know there’d be a guy named Bronn. I was inventing him along the way when I was writing, ‘Okay, he gets kidnapped. Let’s see, there are a couple sellswords there, their names are Fred and Bronn’.

“It was actually Bronn and Chiggen, and then one of them dies, I flipped a coin ‘okay, who dies? Chiggen dies, cause his name is stupid. Bronn is a better name, so I’ll keep Bronn’. And then Bronn became quite an interesting character and plenty of these characters take on minds of their own. They push to the front till you [?] speech and you think of a cool line and you give it to Bronn because he’s trying to talk, and now Bronn is somebody who says something cool. [?]. That’s how characters grow on you. “So a lot of the minor characters I’m still discovering along the way. But the mains-”

[question if he knows Arya’s and Jon’s fates]

“Tyrion, Arya, Jon, Sansa, you know, all of the Stark kids, and the major Lannisters, yeah.”

This report appears in the following sources:

fattest leech of ice and fire blog [Source 1]

asoiaf.westeros.org [Source 2]

westeros.org [Source 3]

The “Unreliable narrator - Part 4” Alternative: “I think I had enough...”

DECEMBER 2016 ASKING GEORGE R.R. MARTIN ABOUT SAN/SAN

My question is regarding Sansa Stark. Her sexuality has evolved through every book and yet the memory that seems to stick the more with her in this regard is the night of the Blackwater. So I was wondering if you can expand on your view on what this is, since as before that night her interactions with Sandor Clegane weren't really physical.

The night of the Blackwater, yes. Ahhh... Well, I'm not going to give you a straight answer on that hahaha... Uhmmm, but I would say that ahhh... you know a television show and a book each has its own strengths and weaknesses; there a re tools that are available to me as a novelist, that are not available to people doing a television show. And of course there are tools available to them, that are not available to a novelist, I mean they can lay in a soundtrack, they can do special effects, they can do amazing things that I can't do, I just have words on paper. What can I do, well I can use things like the internal narrative, I can take you inside of territories... thoughts, which you can't do in a TV show... Ahhh... You just have the words they speak, you see them from outside because the camera is external, while prose is internal, and I have the device known as "unreliable narrator"... Ahhh... Which again, they don't have. So, think about those two aspects when you consider that night of the Blackwater.

[Source]

Most of these questions make me think of Nabokov having to clarified, regarding Lolita, that he didn’t write a romance..........

So there’s that, everyone can draw their own conclusions. God knows that in this fandom: “We look up at the same stars, and see such different things.”

Thanks for your message.

#anon ask #grrm #jon and arya #sansa deserves better #the things i have to read...#poor george #poor nabokov

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feliciohno · 4 years ago

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I'm back but not without a quick psa

Okay ik I do like these little psa bullshits all the time and I am sorry and ik only like maybe 5 people care I'm just the kinda person who feels the need to over explain constantly even though ik I don't have to. Anyways, this is hopefully gonna be a quick thing and done but I just need to talk a little bit about my coming back and some changes to the blog so lets go.

So, I'll be honest, I'm not fully ready to come back. Just being frank but the only reason I'm coming back after about a month is because I wanted to take part in a Chaggie month during may and this is the blog I use for that kinda stuff. But I didn't want to reopen the blog and then just post about Hazbin cause honestly I'd feel bad. I know I say time and time again that this blog isn't JUST Hetalia but I'm not dumb, I know what you guys followed the blog for. And it's not that I blame anyone because where the content isn't only Hetalia it tends to be mostly Hetalia.

If it wasn't for the Chaggie month I probably would have stayed away longer ngl. Don't get me wrong, I do feel much better than I did when I first left. I just still don't feel great. Without getting too much into it, my brain doesn't really do great things sometimes. Whenever something bad happens to me it often will latch those emotions to things in the moment. Sometimes it's stuff like food or a song but a lot of times it's shows and characters and ships. It sucks cause it very often tends to hit special interests the most. There really isn't a special interest I have that I can enjoy without issue except maybe bats. And ik this is typically a trauma response but like? My brain recently has started to do it outside of trauma? Like I'm pretty sure I haven't gone through any trauma recently?? So idk man it's dumb and hates me. Anyways, there's still some characters and ships and stuff for Hetalia that I really can't look at without panicking lmao. But honestly it's okay. I'm kinda use to this kinda stuff by now?

Basically my hiatus was so I could step away from people and just like the show by myself. I blocked tags, I only interacted with the show and drew stuff for it when I felt like I wanted to or could. I only talked about the show with an extremely small select group of friends and even that was on rare occasion. There's a word for what I was trying to do but I can't remember it rn it's like re-something therapy. But whatever so yeah. And honestly? It was working really well. It's still working really well. I feel better than I did before. But like? It's still not great. There's gonna be stuff that still messes me up. This isn't the kinda thing that goes away over night and I knew that going into my hiatus. But! You guys stuck with me (from what I can tell) and I genuinely thank you all for that! So like yeah I am coming back to the blog including Hetalia posting. I'm probably gonna keep the tags blocked though and only look at like certain mutual content and stuff. Just stuff that I know for sure isn't gonna idk set me off (I desperately don't wanna call any of this stuff triggers cause then that's admitting how much they actually emotionally affect me and I'm not even gonna go there lmao).

That's basically it in regards of my hiatus BUT now I gotta talk about some changes to this blog. Nothing huge just two minor things.

The first thing is this blog is now my Problematic Media blog AND my blog to put Gore/N S F W content on. The main reason for this is I got accepted to be an artist on a blog called @/ponydoodles (if you like mlp related content go give it a follow :> ). One of the rules though of being an artist is the main blog you use and that is associated with your mod title can not have any extreme gore or N S F W content on it. Which like, I don't blame them for making that a rule. The mlp fandom has a lot of bad rep cause of older and probably even still modern fans. I have my own opinions on that kinda stuff but that's neither here nor there. So yeah! Any content of mine that is too suggestive or gory will be posted here no matter the source. Please make sure to block any tags of stuff you don't wanna see. And just a quick note, I will not be tagging N S F W content as such because those posts get blocked and it's FUCKING annoying. Instead I will be using the tag NSFT (not safe for tumblr) which from what I've seen is what most people are using these days. As for gore I always do my best to make sure everything is properly tagged with more intense or triggering content.

The last small change to this blog is this- I will no longer be posting about non blog related content on here. Lemme explain a little. I'm sure a lot of you noticed that I tend to make little posts here and there about myself, my life, cartoons just anything on my mind. The problem with this is I ended up almost killing my main blog @hext00ns because I was never fucking using it. And because I never used it for so long I don't get much interaction from people on that blog but I did start to get it here. From there it was a loop. I'd post more on here, causing less attention on my main, causing people to interact more with my side, causing me to want to post more on my side and less on my main. And honestly? It actually made me kinda depressed? In a weird way? It's kinda dumb but Hextoons is like my brand. Being the weird cartoon freak that knows way too much about animation and anything involving it has always and will always be my main and in some cases only personality trait lmao. It's also where I post my original content which is really important to me. So, here's what's gonna happen. I'm only gonna be posting about content that pertains to the sources and content that I use this blog for. Any other content or blogging or whatever will go on my main @hext00ns So like if you liked that kinda stuff or if you like other cartoons, anime, and video game stuff, just god please go follow that account. Genuinely. I promise that blog is full of the same F- bullshit quality all my content tends to be.

And one last thing cause I feel like some people are gonna be curious, yes you can still talk to me about Hetalia and send asks and shit. I still love asks and interactions more than life itself and that hasn't changed. It really is what motivates me to do shit. Comments, tags on reblogs, asks, this kinda stuff puts a fire under my ass to continue and create content that, I assume, you guys like. I'm always open to that kinda stuff on either blog. And where yeah, Hetalia kinda makin' me sad still just a bit, I am better. And honestly? I have the physical ability to just? Not check my notifs for a day or so if I need a short breather or I'm not feeling up to it? Like tech is so amazing how you can exit out of apps and windows like wow guys it's so crazy (/s/j).

So yeah, your fruity little Italian is back from superhell what's up bitches

#this was longer than i wanted it to be #whatever lmao #psa #vee~#i'm prob gonna queue this up once or twice and then go on to my regularly scheduled bs tomorrow

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boredoutofmymindwriting · 4 years ago

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Healing is complicated Pt.1

Summary: Jensen and the Reader meet at a coffee shop in town and start talking, they exchange number. Everything seems good but soon things get more than a little complicated.

Pairing: Teacher!Jensen X University Student!Reader

Warnings: slight fluff

Word count: 1690

Masterlist

Taglist

Disclaimer: I do not condone the relationship between a teacher and a student.

Tags can be found at the bottom.

Love ya´ll and enjoy -Jo

~ Y/N´s POV ~

I could hear a slight mumble close by but chose to ignore it since the coffee shop is full and it's nothing unusual, then I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder that causes me to jump a little. I look in the direction of the hand while removing my earbuds before placing my book in my lap. I´m met with a man with soft hazel eyes and a small smile playing at his lips.

“Oh sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I was just wondering if this seat is taken, I mean this place is more packed than usual.” The man chuckles slightly as I nod my head.

“Of course, as long as you don´t mind me reading?” I ask knowing some find it disturbing if they´re gonna be working on something. The man shakes his head while placing his coffee on the table before sitting down.

“Not at all, I mean if that´d disturb me then the chaos in here would kill me.” He jokes and I feel a small smile creep onto my lips.

“True. Enjoy your coffee.” I reply before putting in my earbuds and getting back to reading. Out of the corner of my eye I can see the man placing some stuff on the table and I sneak a glance at him. He's definitely not bad looking with his light brown hair and square jaw, I can tell he's trying to stay focused from the way his eyes scan the papers in front of him and how his bottom lip is slightly drawn into his mouth probably from nibbling at the inside of it. Weird observation I know but I´m an observant person, not in a creepy way but it's a nice way to pass time. I sigh a little and get back to reading my book but soon feel eyes on me. I smile lightly and look up at the man across from me before taking out my earbuds.

“Did you want anything?” I quiz him and I can see a light blush creep up his neck.

“N-no, I was just looking at your… book, it's a good one.” He replies trying to come up with a good excuse. I look down at the front page of my book and raise a brow.

“Really? You tend to read medical books for fun?” I try to hide the small smirk I can feel coming on. The man looks down at his papers and sighs.

“Well not really for fun but I´ve read a few so far.” He extends his hand and I take it.

“I should probably have introduced myself. I´m Jensen. Currently a nurse, soon to be a teaching nurse.” He chuckles and I nod.

“Well what are the odds, Jensen. Name´s Y/N, I´m a nursing student.” He takes a sip from his coffee.

“I kinda figured it was something like that, because I don't think you read medical books for fun.” He teases using my own words against me, making me roll my eyes slightly before chuckling.

“Touché.” I grab my cup of coffee and take a sip. “Although I doubt you were actually looking at the book, no offense.” I smirk as he blushes and rubs his neck from embarrassment.

“Yeah uhm sorry about that. It's just rare to see someone who reads in a book and not on their phone lately, who am I kidding you´re cute as well. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'll get going.” He says as he starts packing up his papers. I place a gentle hand on the bundle of papers he's holding causing him to look up.

“Hey I didn't say I was uncomfortable. Let's talk some, I'm sure we can help each other one way or another. I can give you pointers on how to not be a boring teacher and you can tell me how to be a great nurse, if not we can just talk about something fun to forget the everyday pressure.” I smile gently and I can see him relax as he mirrors my smile.

“Alright, so I really don´t wanna talk about work. Let's talk about something nice. What about why you come to this coffeeshop or is it just because it was close by?” He quizzes and I shake my head.

“No. I come here because usually it's quiet, I've come here ever since I was little. It's like a home away from home, especially since I lost my grandpa 4 years ago.” I look down into my cup not wanting to go into too much detail.

“I get it, I´ve only been here a few times but I fell in love with it the first time I went here. As you said, it feels like a home and the coffee isn't something to complain about either.” He smiles lightly. “And I'm sorry for your loss Y/N.” I give him a half smile.

“Thanks.” I look down at my watch. “Shit, I need to get going or I´ll be late for class.” I cuss as I hurriedly pack my bag and take a big gulp of my coffee to empty the cup, I can hear Jensen scribble down something. I get up to leave and Jensen grabs my wrist.

“Wait! Here's my number , you can message me if you feel like it. I really enjoyed your company, even if it wasn´t for a long time. Take care of yourself Y/N.” He smiles as he slips the piece of paper into my hand. I close my hand over the piece of paper before replying.

“I enjoyed it too. Goodbye Jensen.” I give him a smile before walking out the door and hurrying to class. I walk past the window, quickly glancing at Jensen who´s sat by the table with a smile on his face while sipping on his coffee.

~ The following day Y/N´s POV ~

I had planned to text Jensen last night but I ended up studying really late and to be fair I fell asleep by my desk. I smile a little when I look at the piece of paper on my nightstand. I grab my phone and then the piece of paper before putting in the number that´s hastily scribbled on the paper.

--“Hey Jensen, Y/N from the coffee shop here. I was going to get back to you last night but to be honest I fell asleep at my desk so I'm currently mending a sore back and neck. I hope your night was better :) “ --

I type before hitting send and I can feel the light dread hitting me just as fast. I start tapping my foot impatiently as the minutes goes by. I let out a groan and got up to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. It seems as if it takes hours for one cup of coffee before I can pour the decanter content into a cup and head back to my bedroom. I place the cup on my nightstand, I quickly grab my phone and hope there's a message notification. I can't help the smile that spreads across my face as I see the notification I´ve been waiting for.

--“Hey Y/N, I honestly wasn't expecting to hear from you. Try to do some light stretching and put some ice on your lower back and your neck for the pain, usually works for me (been there, done that a few times).”--

I chuckle a little when I read the last part as the writing notifications are showing before his next message comes.

--“Oh gosh I didn't mean anything with that… I've accidentally fallen asleep while studying a couple of times too. So what are the plans for today?”--

I smile lightly sipping on my coffee before replying.

--“No worries Jensen but I´ll keep that in mind for the pain. I´ll probably do some more studying, order takeout and watch a movie or something. What about you?”--

I get up from my bed, grab my coffee and phone before walking over to my desk and sit down. I open my books and start studying when I'm interrupted by my phone. I try my best to stay focused but after a few more notifications I give in.

--“Takeout and a movie sounds like a good idea :) I was thinking pretty much the same, except the studying part."--

--“You okay?”--

--“I guess you´re studying.”--

--“So not to be overbearing but I'd really like to talk more… No strike that, keep studying you need it but don´t forget to take a break now and then. I´ll be here if you need me."--

I can feel some slight butterflies in my stomach before replying.

--“Maybe we can talk later? Only after I'm done studying of course. I'd really like to talk more with you but sadly school calls.”--

It doesn't take long until I get a reply.

--“Shit. Did I disturb you? But yeah that sounds good. Keep up the studying.”--

I smile and put my phone on silent.

~ That evening ~

I'm halfway through the movie as I receive a message from Jensen.

--“Hey guess what? I´m becoming a teacher as early as Monday, there were some unexpected changes apparently.”--

I grin before replying.

--“Really? That's great! I´m sorry to do this but I'm really tired at the moment. I´ll talk to you tomorrow.”--

I yawn and turn off the tv.

--“Oh that's okay, get your beauty sleep and take care of your back.”--

~ Monday morning Y/N´s POV ~

I walk into class busy sipping on my coffee and looking for a seat. I finally found one in the back just how I like it. I sit down and unpack my stuff. As I open my computer I hear writing on the board and look up as I open my computer getting ready to take notes.

“I´m Mr. Ackles and I´ll be your substitute for this semester since Professor Carlsen had to go on maternity leave early.”

I know I recognize that voice and as the man facing the board turns around our eyes meet and I feel those butterflies again. I can see him swallowing, hard when realization hits him.

“Well fuck…” I mumble.

Taglist

@bea789

@beckawinchester

@evyiione

@malecsunshines-blog

@mogaruke

@chelseypaigeake

@confusedpotatofairy

@a-fangirl-stuff

@lifeisforlosersssssss-blog

@xpanicatthespnx

@akshi8278

@supernatural-bellawinchester

@liebemeineslebensx

#jensen x reader #Jensen Ackles #JensenAckles #Jensen #Jensen x You #jensen ackles x you #jensen ackles x reader #ackles #ackles x reader #reader insert #x reader #actor #supernatural actors #supernatural actor x reader #Teacher!Jensen xUni student! Reader #readerinsert

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skelebonecentral · 4 years ago

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Hothouse Rose chapter 6

Gotta get that last Fell boy into shape!

(words under cut) And remember, the pictures for the Lust boys are all six up on my main undertale blog.

Whip stared at his brother.

“AND TELL ME AGAIN WHY YOU’RE IN MY ROOM, GLARING LIKE I MELTED YOUR WHOLE SHOP?”

“cause ya ain’t actin’ like part of the family anymore and I wanna know why.” Spice was leaning back against Whip’s door, blocking all exit. “ever since baby doll came, you’ve been sulkin’ and hidin’ from’em and I don’t appreciate it. I know ya ain’t a coward, so what is it?”

Whip’s skull began to color in anger, standing to his full height, “BECAUSE THAT HUMAN IS NOT GOING TO LAST. I’VE SEEN THE HUMANS AROUND HERE, AND NONE OF THEM WOULD ACCEPT US IF THEY KNEW THE FULL EXTENT OF WHO AND WHAT WE ARE. THEIR URGES ARE TAMPED DOWN WITH IRON RODS AND CLOSED OFF EXCEPT FOR THE MOST TABOO AND PRIVATE MOMENTS. OR IN OPEN DISPLAYS IN THE SEEDY UNDERBELLY OF THEIR WORLD AND THOSE WHO PARTICIPATE OFTEN END UP DEAD.”

“I know that.” Spice was unmoved by this aggressive display. He was not afraid of his baby brother. “I’ve done my research on what gettin’ my shop going up here would entail, an’ it wasn’t pretty. but bro, just cause it’s private for them don’t mean they ain’t capable of openin’ up. just gotta work harder for it.”

Whip’s hands were gripped into fists, and even though he was looking down, Spice noticed his gaze was on the floor next to him, not on himself, “AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ONE OF THOSE FRIVOLOUS OTHERS FALLS FOR THEM? OR GETS THE INTEREST FOR A ROMP, HM? WHAT THEN?”

“apparently that already happened today. Boa. Baby doll got embarrassed but they’re still pals.”

Whip flinched hearing that, his glare getting more intense, “SO YOU’RE SAYING THEY AREN’T GOING TO TURN ON US? THAT I’M BEING RIDICULOUS?”

“no, I’m sayin’ you don’t need to try an’ protect yourself so hard.” Spice sighed and rubbed a hand down his face, “bro, you usually aren’t closed off like this with people you don’t trust. You’re good at making them think you like’em so they slip up. why are ya actin’ like a frightened cat? All puffed up and angry?”

Whip’s sockets were filling with red magic, “BECAUSE AT LEAST IF I KEEP THEM AWAY IT WON’T HURT HAVING TO LEAVE.”

“there’s the issue,” Spice walked over to where Whip was shaking in place, quickly putting his arms around him, “ya do like ‘em, then?”

“YES.” The answer was wet and miserable, “THEY’RE EVERYTHING PAPYRUS SAID, AND EVEN WITH SUGAR BEING CAUTIOUS, I CAN’T FIND A REASON NOT TO. SANS…” Whip slowly collapsed to his knees and held Spice tight, “I’ve…I’ve never been so close to someone who actually met my standards. They’re kind, and they care about our alternates, and they’re smart, and funny and beautiful and…Sans, I’m so scared to let myself go because we’re going to lose them.”

Spice rubbed his back gently, “I know, bro. but that’s why we gotta try an’ enjoy it, right? when we’re back in that shithole, we gotta have memories to get us through. Cause what good is it pushin’ away good things just cause they won’t last? Just means you spend more time bein’ sad than ya had ta.”

“I don’t know if my soul can take it, though,” Whip whined, hiding his sockets against Spice’s shoulder. “You know how lonesome it was at home and finding someone like y/n here…it’s not fair. It’s not fair that I found an angel and have to give them up.”

“y’know I understand that, probably better than most,” Spice gave his back a pat, making him let loose so he could sit down, “bro, I get it, but like I said, enjoy it while we can. cause once it’s gone, we ain’t gettin’ another chance.”

Whip sat next to him on the bed and leaned over, head on his shoulder, “You’re right, as usual, brother. I just…I’m used to causing pain, not feeling it. It’s difficult to manage.”

“yeah. but you can do it. I know ya can. cause I’ll be right with ya the whole time.”

After a while, just the slow hum of Whip’s computer and the breeze outside, Whip asked, “What did it feel like when you got to hold them, Sans?”

“real nice,” Spice purred a bit, “their whole body is soft, bro. hair, skin, hands, all pillows. Ehehe, they’d be mad if I said that to’em, though. they’re workin’ with their buddies and pap to get in shape. Spend half an hour outside every afternoon with’em in their leggings and sport top. Nice ta watch.”

Whip nodded, “And do they mind flirtations too much?”

“they’re gettin’ better about it, but you still have ta be careful how far ya go. don’t get all out explicit, but suggestive is fine. They actually shot one back at Sugar yesterday, even if it was kinda weak.”

“Good.” He took a deep breath and sighed as he let it out, “I’m going to try to amend my mistake of avoiding them, but it’ll take some time. Please keep me from making an ass of myself anymore.”

“I’ll try, but I dunno much about donkeys,” Spice quipped, only to get pushed onto the bed as Whip got up in irritation. “ehehehe, sorry, bro, but you walked inta that one.”

“I DID AND I HATE IT.”

You were in the kitchen, eating breakfast after waking up late on a rare Friday holiday when Whip walked in. Normally, he’d instantly walk back out looking frustrated, but today he stayed.

It was weird, and you watched as he walked to the fridge, got a bottle of a chocolate protein drink, and sat down near you.

“HUMAN, I….HMGH,” he started, picking at the wrapper on the outside of his drink till he could get the lit loose, “Y/N. I’VE BEEN…COLD TO YOU, TO SAY THE LEAST.”

“Yes.” Where is he going with this?

“I THOUGHT…WELL, I SHOULD EXPLAIN WHY. OR AT LEAST APOLOGIZE FOR IT.” He grimaced while he searched for the words, “I SIMPLY WAS AFRAID OF GETTING HURT WHEN OR IF WE SHOULD EVER PART WAYS. BECAUSE I HONESTLY…I’VE WANTED TO MEET SOMEONE LIKE YOU FOR A VERY LONG TIME AND IT MADE ME FEEL PANICKED. LIKE…FINALLY GETTING TO MEET YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITY BUT AS YOU NEAR THE STAGE DOOR YOU BOLT. YOU’RE AFRAID THE REALITY WON’T LIVE UP TO THE DREAM AND IF IT DOES THEN YOU FEAR THE PAIN OF THE MEETING BEING OVER.”

That was not what you expected as his reasoning. Pride, specist thoughts, a general dislike of new people, something like that, but not…this. “I do understand your reference, but I’m still kind of shocked you’re even talking to me at all right now.”

“I UNDERSTAND.” He sighed, taking a long drink from his bottle. “I JUST WANTED TO…WELL, TO TRY AND FIX THINGS. I HAD TO ADMIT WHAT I WAS THINKING TO MY BROTHER AND THAT FINALLY GOT ME THINKING ABOUT…HOW UNFAIR IT WAS TO BE ANGRY WITH YOU FOR BEING YOURSELF. I HAD NO RIGHT, AND IT’S KIND OF STUPID NOW THAT I PUT IT IN WORDS. GOOD GRIEF.”

“How about,” you hold out your hand, smiling, “we start over? Hi, my name is Y/n. I’m Sans and Papyrus’ datemate and I’d like to stay in the house for the foreseeable future.”

He looked at your hand, then his shoulders relaxed and his sharp smile turned soft, “MY NAME IS WHIP, IT’S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU AT LAST.” He shook your hand, “I’D BE HAPPY TO HAVE SOMEONE SO BELOVED BY MY COUSINS STAY WITH US.”

A pool of warmth dropped into your chest at the relief you knew was a mutual experience. You no longer had an enemy in your home, and the comfortable silence as you both enjoyed your respective sustenance was very rewarding.

“Sugar, please,” Charm rubbed his sockets, “I’m trying to plan a fun night out for us all, and your pessimism is ruining it.”

“no, I’m seriously worried. Have you not felt the energy change? Somebody’s doing something and it’s none of us.”

“I felt it and I know exactly what happened, but I’m not telling you because it’s none of your business.” Charm kept clicking from one page to another, looking at options.

“what?”

“You heard me. You do realize there is a loving trio in this house, yes? That it’s not just us and the others from similar universes?” Charm swiveled his chair and looked fully at his brother, “Sans, sometimes your anxiety makes you act like a prick.”

Sugar winced, deflating. “oh. yeah. guess I overstepped again.”

“Yes, you did.” Charm pushed his chair over and poked Sugar in the chest, “but I will remind you again. I love you. I want what is best for everyone here. And I am not some babybones who is naïve about the complexities of relationships. It’s just things are tilted differently here, and yes, that was hard to get used to, but it can be done. And besides,” He smiled, “We’re all going out for Halloween. I need to make sure we go somewhere fun since it’s Y/n’s favorite holiday and Papyrus’ birthday.”

Sugar sighed, “okay. okay, maybe you’re right. and sansy’s been trying to get me to lighten up too, so…” He sat on the floor before laying out like a star, “if sweet-pea can trust them enough to cuddle again, I guess I can try to, too.”

“Bully for you!” Charm smiled, going back to his computer. “And Sweet-pea will be here at the house with our candy bowl, so he will get a costume as well.”

“he’s actually going to greet the trick or treaters?”

“Yes! He’s been doing very well since he started opening up more.” Charm double clicked something and absently scanned the text that popped up, “He’s started sitting on the deck with us while we do our yoga and Sansy is seeing if he can set up video chat conferences with a therapist for him. Apparently, humans get this kind of anxiety too. It’s called agoraphobia.”

Sugar nodded, kind of surprised. Sweet-pea was going outside? Willingly? That was definitely a good thing, no arguing that, and…well, he was getting tired of being jumpy about the human all the time, if he was being honest.

You were a little shy about it, but Boa and Sweet-pea were both bustling around you in Sweet-pea’s room. They were re-taking your measurements to make sure they were accurate for your costume. You hadn’t had a good idea for a costume, but Papyrus had proposed it being a surprise that they chose for you. Sweet-pea had volunteered to make the design, and you’d been excited to see what he’d do. So far, he’d made you a nightgown that made you feel very ethereal any time you wore it, but he’d been too busy with commissions and orders to do anything else till now.

“I take a break every October,” he told you, sketching away, “it lets me have down time to recover and do whatever things I’d like otherwise.”

Boa was very fast with the measuring tape, barely touching it to your body as you stood in a shirt and shorts.

You felt the goosebumps going over your scalp as they worked, just like at the doctor’s office, and felt that strange far away feeling that went with them.

“Pumpkin,” Boa spoke, standing with his tape, “have you ever been fitted properly for your foundations?” He seemed puzzled as he looked you over. “I just want to make sure you’re as comfortable as you can be. Bad support can cause back pain, you know.”

You hadn’t known. “No, I haven’t. What would you have to do?”

Sweet-pea looked up, “just measure around your chest do some more close measurements of your pelvis area. It doesn’t take long. Last time he fitted someone it only took him two and a half minutes. But…uh… you will have to undress. Dunno if you’re up to that or not.”

Boa blushed, but nodded, looking away. “It’s up to you. You’re going to look ravishing either way, but it’s just been bugging me since we went shopping that first day. You deserve to be comfortable…”

It took a moment, as you thought it out. Two and a half minutes, hm? And you trusted them both, at least as much as you trusted the classmates you’d changed in the bathrooms with at choir competitions in high school. Quite a bit more, now that you’re thinking about it, “I think we can do it. It would be nice to know for my next shopping trip.”

Both of them perked up, and you steeled yourself as you undressed down to nothing. Boa’s eye lights shone bright and wide, and you saw the glow start at his throat, but he shook his head and smiled, “I’ll be quick. Thank you for letting me help you!”

True to his word, Boa went fast, around your chest, from your collar to your nipple, and around the area under your breasts. “That’s that, thirty-four triple d, Sweet-pea.”

“thought so.” The younger brother wrote it down somewhere on his sketch pad, but he was still going, “I know someone who would kill for that size for her bleach cosplays.”

You tilted your head and he smiled, “Somebody I know at home. She’s almost as bad as Alphys about anime, but likes JUMP stuff more.”

“Ah, okay.” You were focusing on anything other than Boa being between your legs with his tape, going quickly over your thighs, around your butt, and gently pressing the end of the tape to your core and going up a ways before snapping back and listing off his findings. “Well, that was fast.”

“three minutes. A little slower, but we’ve never measured a human before.”

Boa nodded and handed you your things, “We have everything we need to make you the best costume and find the best things on our shopping trips now.” There was blush on his cheekbones, and his smile was very soft, making your own cheeks heat more.

“Thank you for being fast with it. I’m not exactly used to being naked in front of other people.” You hurry to get your clothes back on, even as you hear something in an almost electronic voice. “Huh?”

Boa blushed, “Um, sorry. I slipped into Wingdings for a moment. I ah…I was saying we were lucky to get a glimpse at such a rare treasure as your body.”

Sweet-pea snorted and giggled, “that’s what he said literally, but wingdings is a monster language, so you don’t get any of the cute undertones and intents that went with it in English. you do look nice, though.”

“You boys are going to be the death of me. I’m going to die of flattery,” You had scrunched up your face from how hot it got, and huffed as you pulled your shirt back on, “and then Papy and Sans will be widowers.”

“You’d have to marry them for that,” Boa smirked a bit.

“smartaleck” you stuck your tongue out at him and walked to the door, “You’re both lucky I love you.”

“we love you, too, y/n.” Sweet-pea poked Boa, who just waved at you.

You shake your head and leave.

As soon as the door shut, Boa’s whole skull exploded in color and he jerked his scarf off as the jewel below burst into brilliant light. “Oh my stars, I’m going to keel over! Humans smell so different and it’s GOOD and they’re so amazing already and then just! Naked right in front of me! ack!”

Sweet-pea chuckled, blushing a bit, “they were lovely. And those hips….gosh, I know kids aren’t the end all be all up here but they look like they could carry so well…”

“I know!” Boa groaned, rubbing the heels of his hands into his closed sockets, “How does Papyrus just have them as his datemate and not keep them in the bedroom all day?”

“He’s just not turned like us, bro,” Sweet-pea sighed, “but I’m glad they’re at least happy with each other. You could smell him on them as soon as the layers came off.”

Boa finally seemed to calm down as the glow in his gem dimmed, “That was reassuring. Now we’re sure they’re not hurting themselves with repression or anything.”

“pretty sure it’s only us that need that regular release for health,” Sweet-pea mumbled. “humans don’t get heats, much less be in one all the time.”

“That still is amazing to me. And there’s so many of them even so! But then again, they are mammals that care for their young a long time. it’s only natural most of their offspring live.”

Sweet-pea laughed, “you should never have dropped out of zoology, bro. you’d have been a great professor.”

“I’ll be a better guardsman slash radio host!” Boa shot back, getting up. “Now, as soon as you have the design ready, bring it to me. We’re going to make the others drop their jaws to the floor.”

“and all in a human-friendly fashion. Gonna be fun,” Sweet-pea waved his brother off, and got down to work. He was going to make the rest of the world see exactly what Y/n was to their household.

Whip was uncomfortable. Not because he didn’t participate in the pillow cuddling normally, because he had before the human had come. No, it was because said human had chosen to sit beside him in the pile. He was still jumpy around them, even if he knew they were on much better terms after his apology.

It didn’t help that Spice was on their other side and snoring so loud he could hardly hear.

“MAY I PLEASE WAKE HIM UP TO STOP THAT RACKET?”

“No, Whip, don’t wake him. He’s actually not trying to fluster me when he’s sleeping,” says the human, looking fondly at Spice. Well, they did have a point. “Here, let me try shifting him a bit.”

Interested, he watched as you gently shifted Spice’s head back, and his brother’s raucous snores quieted to gentle, soft vibrations.

“HOW DID YOU DO THAT?”

“Snoring in humans is caused by some weird blockages in the throat. I figured, if he’s snoring because of his ecto always being on, maybe doing what helps a human would help him.” You continue to intrigue him in the most unexpected ways.

Boa had been almost giddy in his sexy nurse costume when he handed you a bundle on Halloween at noon, “Here, Pumpkin, it’s your costume. Go put it on, hurry!”

Sweet-pea was behind him, a very normal looking scarecrow costume decorating his form, beaming in pride, “if you need help, just holler.”

Curious, you went to back into your room (you’d been leaving it to ask about just this) and opened the bundle. A beautiful Grecian dress, creamy white with golden clasps, lay in a cloud of feathers with a set of very soft, cottony underwear. The ease with which those went on surprised you, and the lifting of the weight of your chest from your back made your eyes widen. “Oh.” Boa had been incredibly accurate in that the wrong underthings could make you hurt.

The dress slipped on, as did a pair of delicate sheer white hose, and some golden sandals. The feathers, you realize, are wings that loop onto the clasps on your shoulders and attach to the golden rope around your waist. You actually get them on yourself, and when you pick up the little harp and halo that were hidden underneath, you grin. “An angel, huh?”

Everything fit like a glove, comfortable but flattering as you exited and came down the stairs. Charm saw you first and gasped, “Oh! Sweetheart, that’s gorgeous, but here, come with me.” He had that sneaky look when he was going to try and goad you or Sans and Papyrus into doing something romantic, but instead of taking you to them, he took you to a room under the stairs that you’d never bothered to investigate. It was like a dressing room in a theater, with lights and make up and wigs of all kinds.

“Welcome to my studio! On of the things I learned from my bestie underground is that half of an outfit is made by your make-up. Let me take you from a ten to an eleven.” He sat you down and gently removed the golden circlet of your halo, setting it down on the vanity. “Now, monster make-up is a lot different than human in that it doesn’t take five hours to do! So, I’m going to turn you around, and in thirty minutes you’ll be the belle of the Halloween ball.”

You only had a brief glimpse of your reflection (thankfully) before the chair was turned and Charm got to work. Smooth, cool creams were dabbed onto your face by his clearly practiced hands, having taken of his gloves to do this. It was kind of hard to keep from laughing, as he’d already made himself up and was wearing a rainbow afro and a red nose on top of his pure white face, blue eye circles, and big red mouth decorations. He was a very colorful clown, and the first clown you’d ever been happy to see.

Charm had his tongue stuck out while he worked, and you just couldn’t help yourself. You reached up and poked it with your finger. “Boop.”

He squinted his sockets and made a short noise that sounded like laughter, then gently told you off, “Don’t boop the beautician, sweet thing. It’s not polite.”

“But you’re my bestie first,” you point out, and his smile grows.

“I know.” He brushes his teeth against your forehead gently, “Now let me work my magic, quite literally.”

You giggle quietly, and he hums, using a puff to place powder over the creams.

He then goes around you and gently begins coming through your hair, adding some things to it as well, “When this is done, sweetie, it’s going to just be you with some polish. You’re always this lovely to us, it’ll just be enough magic to let others and you see what we see every day.”

“Are you sure?” Yes, you’d been pleased with the little bit of change you’d seen in your clothes since starting your daily yoga, but you still felt…gross.

“Oh, I’d put my soul on it.” He squeezed your shoulder gently before returning to his work on your hair, “Papyrus and Sans think you hung the moon, Y/n. And I’d put money on Boa thinking the same. Sweet-pea trusts you more than he’s trusted anyone outside the family, ever. Whip even let his pride go and started to get to know you. That means something.”

“And you and Sugar? Spice?”

“Oh Y/n, I can’t even put into words what you mean to me.” His voice was so soft and full of love, you couldn’t even imagine what his expression was, “and my brother is slowly letting go of his fears. He’ll understand your magnificence when he does. “ A snort of wry laughter, “And Spice would have you be his own private teddy bear if it was up to him.”

You giggle thinking about that. Since he’d gotten over your mutual miscommunication, Spice had been the ultimate cuddlebug when he felt he could be. Which was most of the time. Not that you minded, he was warm, and the thick ecto he always wore was soft and comfy. Plus, you liked his voice. It was different than the others, like Whip’s in that it was gravelly, but smoother underneath, carrying a sweetness you liked.

“Let me paint your nails, and then we’ll be done.” Charm squatted in front of you and took a bottle of what looked like clear nail polish out. He thought for a moment, then nodded, a zap of pink magic infusing the bottle and turning the polish inside gold. “That should be the right color. A touch of Midas, hm?” He beamed at his reference, and you nodded.

You used the time to talk about a movie you saw once, of people trying to gain an item related to King Midas, and Charm suggested you find it online and the family could watch it next weekend. After all, after your group returned from the Halloween carnival, you all would be watching Halloween themed cartoons and family movies (because Papyrus, Sweet-pea, and Boa preferred not to watch horror films) while eating whatever candy remained after the trick-or-treaters.

Looking at your fingernails, not only were they shimmering as if they were covered in liquid gold, but they were perfectly shaped and the cuticles that were normally rough were smoothed down. “Wow! How did you do that with just polish?”

“It’s the magic in the polish.” Charm finished your toes and returned the brush to the bottle, “The polish is just there to change color according to my intent. I needed it gold, and I wanted your nails to be healthy and beautiful, so the magic did the rest. Even after we take the polish off, you’ll still keep the healthy nails underneath. Also, it’s instant dry, too.”

He looked you over one last time and nodded, “Alright, are you ready?”

When you said yes, he placed the halo back on your head and turned you around. You almost burst into tears right there. Your hair was laying around your face in elegant waves, framing it perfectly and without frizz for the first time in your life. And your face, it was exactly what Charm had said. It was you, but your skin was evenly colored instead of blotchy, the texture was smooth and uniform, every pore was clean and tiny. Your eyelashes and brows were present instead of faded out like they usually were, and all signs of the flaky dermatitis that had plagued you since your teenage years was gone from them.

“I’m…..Charm, you did…” you just looked over at him, the water dripping out of your eyes without you even blinking to free it. “It’s wonderful.”

“Just a little MTT Beauty Butter and the intent to clean and heal. The rest is all how your body naturally wants to be. It loves you, just as we do, and wants you to be happy and healthy. It just needed a little boost, now and again, is all.” He helps you to your feet, taking a nearby box of tissues and using them to gently dry your tears. “Now you can see yourself as the angel we know you are.”

You just hug him, far beyond words.

He strokes your head gently, waiting for you to recover before saying, “Now, we should get to the living room to meet up with the others and head for the carnival.”

You felt like you were walking on air as he led you out of the make up room and down the hall to the living room.

The banter had started already, “SANS, WHY DO YOU INSIST ON LAZINESS? IT’S OUR FIRST HALLOWEEN WITH Y/N IN THE HOUSE AND YOU JUST….THAT?!”

Entering, you saw Papyrus dressed as Superman, cape and spandex in red, blue, and yellow, and Sans was wearing a black, cat-ear headband taped to his skull, with black whiskers drawn on his cheekbones sloppily, all with his normal clothes.

Sugar, as a sexy witch, is standing with his broom in a corner, laughing behind his hand next to pirate-captain Spice, long coat sweeping his brown boots and black hat sporting a big maroon feather. Whip was dressed as a classic Devil, though he’d exchanged the red onesie for a bright red business suit. Boa and Sweet-pea were on the couch, chatting.

Charm cleared his throat and that got everyone’s attention, and you were feeling quite small as they all looked at you.

Whip’s eye lights went out, and you noticed a bright glow in the left leg of his pants. Oh no…oh no you’d made him uncomfortable. “I-I didn’t pick this out but…I’m sorry.”

Spice came over, taking your hands in his (where did he find all those rings?), “don’t apologize, baby doll. You’re beautiful. Sweet-pea an’ Boa done good. you too, charm, cause I know baby doll don’t do make-up like that.”

“Bu-but-“

“no buts,” Sans shortcutted next to you and beamed, “you look perfect. We’re going to be the envy of everybody. Though, as an angel, you probably don’t like that, do you?” He winked and you smiled. You couldn’t help yourself if Sans was making jokes.

Papyrus strode over and knelt in front of you, making everyone step aside for him, “AS A SUPERHERO, I WILL WORK VERY HARD TO DO GOOD, SO THAT I MAY GET VISITS FROM THIS UNEARTHLY VISION OF LOVELINESS AGAIN!” He was sparkling -literally-, cheeks flushed orange, as he looked up at you.

“Papyrus, you can see me anytime.”

“I KNOW, BUT YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE A MESSENGER FROM HEAVEN RIGHT NOW! THE PICTURE OF THE DELTARUNE’S PREDICTED SAVIOR!” He frowned and got up, “THOUGH, THAT ACTUALLY TURNED OUT TO BE FRISK, SO YOU’RE THEIR COUSIN. BUT STILL!”

Sugar flounced over in the short skirt and tights that were wrapped around his bones, “ooh, our little y/n has graduated from pretty to gorgeous.”

Charm rolled his eye lights, but Boa and Sweet-pea rushed over before he could fire back at his brother.

“Oh, Y/n, it’s absolutely perfect. I was worried about the top of the dress but it’s laying fabulously,” Boa cooed, proud of his work.

“you look just like I thought you would,” Sweet-pea gave a small laugh, “though, turns out real life is better than imagination in this case. Thanks, charm, for finishing off the look.”

“Oh it was my pleasure, believe me,” Charm actually honked his nose, revealing it to be a prop horn, “I might be a clown tonight, but I am a chivalrous guard first and helping our dear Y/n shine their brightest is the least I could do.”

You were blushing so hard, but Papyrus gently scooped you out of the crowd, “NOW LET’S GET GOING TO THE CARNIVAL. I WANT EVERYONE TO ADMIRE OUR ANGEL BEFORE THEY GET TOO FLUSTERED AND MUSS THEIR MAKE-UP!”

There was a murmur of agreement, and as you left the house, you waved goodbye to Sweet-pea, who was beaming as he closed the door.

#suggestive #reader x papyrus #reader x sans #underlust #lustfell #lustswap #undertale fic

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horansqueen · 5 years ago

Text

You & Me : chapter 28

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k - 4.3k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: filler chapter again sorry! but i tried to make it cute! i didnt plan a sex scene but its there sooo yea haha lol

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : 2 requests! i hope i wrote them right! love them btw! please keep sending them!!!

Chapter 28 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

I thought we would have sex before we went to bed but I must have fallen asleep faster than I wanted to. Niall also probably undressed me because when I woke up in the middle of the night, I was wearing his shirt and nothing else. I smiled, keeping my eyes closed, and brought my shoulder closer to my nose. It smelled like him even if he probably didn't wear it for too long since he had a buttoned shirt at the wedding. I turned around in bed, trying to reach him with my arm but he wasn't there and I let out a short whimper before forcing myself to open my eyes.

The room was dark and quiet and it made a shiver run in my back. I got up and realized his shirt was a bit short. I searched through my stuff for a clean pair of panties and put it on before quietly getting out of the room. Everything was dark except for a very low and warm light in the living room. I walked slowly closer and leaned against the wall when I saw Niall sitting on the couch. He was writing very quickly in his notebook and he was so concentrated that he didn't even notice me. It was always special for me to see him when he seemed to be so deep in his thoughts that no one could get in his bubble. His hair was a mess and once in a while, he ran his hand in it, making the mess even worse. I stared at him for a while as he kept his focus on the paper, wearing only his boxers and making me realize he probably woke up in the middle of the night with an idea that he couldn't let go of. Something that he knew he wouldn’t remember in the morning but that he just had to write about.

I didn't know how long I stayed there but I didn't want to interrupt him or distract him. I just walked back to the room after a while and lied down in bed, looking at the ceiling. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened to me in the past few months and somehow, I felt like everything was going for the better. The more time passed, the more It seemed like I was discovering who I was and what I wanted.

It was so obvious that what I wanted was Niall but more than that, what I really wanted was a healthy relationship with Niall. I wanted us to be the kind of couple that would drip with sweetness but that also could spend time without each other without going crazy. I wanted him to be my best friend but not my only friend and I didn't want either of us to be afraid, insecure, jealous or unhappy. I knew I was asking a lot, and I knew not everything could be perfect all the time, but I knew Niall and I together could come very fucking close to perfection.

I tried to stay awake until he came back to sleep but once again, I probably had fallen asleep despite myself because when I woke up again, the sun was already up and I had a small headache. I groaned and this time, I knew he was still in bed. I could feel the warmth of his body close to mine and I turned in the sheets, wrapping my arm around his back. His cheek was flat against the mattress just like his chest and I watched him sleep, his lips parted and slightly twisted as he let out a low snore. Fuck, he was so hot and I just stared at him with my eyes half-open for a few minutes, or maybe 15? 20? Who knew?

When I realized how bad I needed to pee, I finally got up very slowly, making sure I wouldn't wake him up. He was always up before me but I knew he had been up a big part of the night to write something and I wanted him to get the rest he needed and clearly deserved.

I made coffee and stayed next to the coffee machine as I watched it fall down, yawning a few times before adding cream and sugar in my cup. I couldn't stop thinking about him going on tour and being separated from him for weeks and it made something twist in my chest. Of course, I didn't want to be the girl who would follow him everywhere. I was not that girl anymore. I was not dependent of the man I loved, and I had stuff to do and commitments, too. We were about to start filming the new season of my tv show and although I dreaded playing with Dylan I knew it was something we had to do. It would be awkward at first, for sure, but in the end, I knew he was professional and I promised myself I would be, too.

I finished my coffee but left the cup in the sink before walking to the living room. It was supposed to be a lazy day and I was surprised my head didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, or that I wasn't nauseous at all despite all the champagne I had drank the night before.

I sat on the couch and pushed the stuff on it to find the remote. It showed that I was spending time at Niall's : his place had never been so messy and I suddenly felt guilty. I finally found the remote but looked at it before sighing, putting it back on the coffee table as I took the decision to clean a bit while he was still asleep. Something caught my attention and even if I knew I shouldn't, I grabbed hos notebook to the page it was opened and started reading. Niall rarely shared his writing with random people until it was a final product and all the songs I had heard was because I had crept on him somehow. I was not proud of it but at the same time, he never really seemed angry about it. I remembered that time when we were all at his place and I had followed the sound of his guitar until I practically fell in the room like a loser as he was playing a song. At that time, I had thought it was about Heidi but now that I knew it was about me, I wished I could remember what the lyrics were. All I could remember was that I had deeply hoped that it was for me. That thought made something twist in my chest and I licked my lips before letting my eyes roam on the words I was probably not supposed to see.

"I want the world to witness When we finally say I do It's the way you love I gotta give it back to you I can't promise picket fences Or sunny afternoons But, at night when I close my eyes"

A lot of words seemed to be scratched a few times and then I could read something that seemed like a chorus.

"Yeah, I see us in black and white Crystal clear on a star lit night In all your gorgeous colors I promise that I'll love you for the rest of my life See you standing in your dress Swear in front of all our friends There'll never be another I promise that I'll love you for the rest of my life"

I swallowed and ran my fingers on the ink, feeling the tiny rifts and bumps in the paper and feeling my heart beating so fast in my chest that I had a hard time to breathe.

"Now, we're sitting here in your living room Telling stories while we share a drink or two And there's a vision I've been holding in my mind We're 65 and you ask "When did I first know?" I always knew."

And just when I thought it was probably not about me, I saw a word that was also scratched at the end of the lyrics and I could swear it started with a capital O. I grabbed the notebook, moving it up and putting the simple sheet where the song was written in the light. It appeared clearly. My name at the bottom. I didn't know why it was crossed out and I was not sure I wanted to know. but as I re-read the lyrics for the tenth time, I couldn't lie to myself anymore. It was a wedding song.

After a few minutes, I finally started moving again. I cleaned the living room, washed the dishes, started laundry and even started cleaning the windows. All while thinking about the song, the lyrics hitting inside my brain and doing something incredible to my heart : something I hadn't felt ever before. I would never tell him but if Niall asked me to marry him at this exact moment, I would say yes. Was it because of the great time we had the night before? Or maybe because we were so happy together these days? I had no idea. But I knew I'd say yes in a heartbeat. Tomorrow, I couldn't tell you what my answer would be but today? It would be a million times yes.

I saw him walk behind me in the reflection of the now extra clean windows and my lips immediately curled. He placed himself behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and leaning his chin on my shoulder, and suddenly, I felt so much better than I did only a few minutes ago, even if I was still happy before.

"You should have waken me up." he whispered in my ear. "I would have helped you. Especially that you're cleaning wearing only a shirt and panties. I'd love to see you on all four as you clean the floor."

I laughed and raised my nose up as he kissed a spot near my ear. It was not only my love for him that made my heart jump when he was near, it was more than that. It was who he was, who I hoped he would always be.

"Tell me you'll always do that, that you'll always say things like that."

He pulled away slightly and turned his head more to look at me. I waited for his answer but he was waiting for me to look at him and I gave in, my eyes finally meeting his.

"Hold you? Kiss you? Tell you that I love and lust you?" he asked low, raising his eyebrows. I bit my bottom lip and nodded. "I promise. I swear. You have my words. And my heart. And my body, soul and mind."

My traits softened and I turned in his arms to face him, wrapping mine around his neck, moving my chin up to kiss him. He pushed me gently against the window as we kissed and I felt my butt press against it, making me chuckle.

"I'm gonna have to clean that window again." I let out with a smile as he chuckled against my lips.

"Or, you know, we can leave it like that." he proposed, shrugging a shoulder. "Your butt print seems like a nice decoration."

I'm the one who laughed this time. "You? Leaving a dirty window without touching it? Who are you trying to fool, Horan?"

"Don't call me that." he just said in a serious tone, raising his eyebrows.

"Or what?"I asked, teasing him with a sassy voice.

"Or I'm gonna tickle you." he pointed out, making my heart skip a beat. "I'm gonna tickle you until you beg me to stop."

"Sure, Horan." I tried to provoke him, putting emphasis on his last name.

He stared at me for a few seconds but suddenly and quickly, he picked me up and brought me to the couch. I was surprised that he could actually support my weight and he finally let me fall on the couch as I bounced on the cushions but he quickly straddled me, grabbing my wrists and pulling them over my head. When was the last time we played like that? It had been so long I couldn't remember.

"Apologize now." he ordered, looking down at me.

I could feel his grip tighten on my wrists and I licked my lips. "Never."

"Last chance." he let out, making me smirk.

"Bite me, Horan."

Quickly, he brought his free hand to my waist and started tickling me. Immediately, I started squirming, trying to get out of his grip as I let out a few high pitched yells. It made him laugh and it made me remember how much I hated to be tickled. After a while, he stopped and my lips parted as I started panting.

"You looking like that? God. Makes me want to tie you up and have my way with you."

I let out a short laughter and he started tickling me again until I started screaming his name.

"Niall! Niall stop! I c-can't!"

He did as I asked and smirked. "Beg me." he let out, shaking his eyebrows. "Apologize and beg me."

"Mm, I'm so sorry, Niall." I whispered with puppy eyes. "Please I'm begging you, stop tickling me?"

"Don't you fucking pout like that, it makes me want to fuck your mouth."

I laughed louder this time, tilting my head back slightly and closing my eyes as I felt his hand run up my breasts.

"And you say I'm the horny one!"

"Heyyy!" he argued with a frown. "I fingered you last night and I didn't cum at all, remember?"

My smirk disappeared and I just smiled at him. "You want to cum now?"

He groaned and raised his nose up. "I feel like all we do is fuck."

I shrugged and he finally let go of my wrists. I brought my hands to his pants and slid one in them, raising my eyebrows again but in surprise this time.

"You went commando?"

He didn't answer. Instead, he reached for my shirt and moved it up to expose my breasts as I took his cock out of his pants, stroking him slowly with both my hands. He breathed in and then out, letting out a very short whimper and one of his hands moved back to reach between my legs. He moved two of his fingertips on my panties, brushing against my clit and I pressed my lips together. I tried to focus on what my hands were doing and spit on his cock before running my fingers right under his tip. He groaned and brought his hand back to grab one of my breasts hard and I started stroking him harder.

"That feels so fucking good." he admitted, running his thumb on my nipple. "I tried doing that to myself and it just doesn't work. It has to be your hands."

I didn't tell him but it probably could have been anyone's hands except his and even if he probably knew it, I didn't want to point it out just in case. He took his cock in his hands, making me hold my breath and take my hands away and quickly, he tapped his cock on my tits before rubbing his tip on my nipples.

"Please, petal, push your tits together."

My heart jumped so high in my chest that I had to swallow it back.

"Niall, I don't think my boobs are big enough to-"

"Do it." he cut me.

I bit my bottom lip and did as he asked, just watching him spit in his hand and rub his cock again. My lips parted when he put his cock between my breasts and he was so focused on what he was doing that he didn't even look at me again. I could pretend otherwise but watching him using me to cum was actually exciting and when he groaned, I pressed my thighs together as I felt my pussy throb. I loved the feeling of his cock sliding quickly between my breasts and the thought in itself was driving me insane. After a while, he took his dick back in his hand and started jerking off harder until his lips parted.

"Jesus Christ." he whispered as I held my breath.

He shook slightly over me, moaning low as his cum spurted on my chest and breasts. I just remained motionless as he came down from his high, letting out a low 'fuck" and rubbing his tip on my nipples again, spreading his cum on me.

He sighed and sat on me, putting his cock back in his pants as I stared at him and he shook his head.

"I'm so.. so sorry. I was just so..."

"Horny? Yea I noticed." I chuckled, letting my lips curl as he finally looked back at me.

"I didn't really give you much attention, did I?" he asked, raising his nose up. I could read guilt on his face and my lips curled. "I'm sorry, pet."

"I'm just... I'm glad I made you cum. Didn't think that would be so exciting, but it was." I admitted, pulling my shirt back over my breasts as he laughed. "Also didn't think it was possible with my boobs."

"Your boobs are perfect." he pointed out before getting up and holding his hand out for me.

I put my hand in his and his fingers gripped mine as he helped me get up, letting his eyes roam on my face. He bent down to kiss me and I closed my eyes at the way it made my heart jump in my chest.

"Lazy day yea?" he proposed in a breath, his mouth still pressed against mine. "You go take a shower and I'll close all the curtains, find a good tv show to binge on netflix, and order something, chinese maybe?"

I nodded quickly and smiled. "That sounds perfect."

I took a quick shower and put on a pair of his sweatpants and one of his shirts and when I got back in the living room, he had brought pillows and blankets, a few beers and was waiting for me with the remote in hands. I stared at him for a while, just trying to live the moment and realize how lucky I was, before finally sitting next to him. He looked up at me with a smile and I pushed the pillows away to lean against his chest as his back was against the side of the couch. His legs were spread but they moved a bit close to both my sides, kind of to trap me close to him. He tried to put the blanket over us and I helped him before squirming slightly to be more comfortable.

"Hey, watch the goods, yea?"

I laughed but still took care of where I was moving and he wrapped one of his arms around me.

"Remember this spot because food will be there in half an hour and we're gonna have to do it all over again." he said, making me groan and making him laugh. "Seriously though, it feels good to have you here with me just to have a lazy day."

I felt my heart swell and smiled more, turning to kiss his jaw gently. He looked down and his lips met mine and he deepened the kiss just as the first episode of a series we both wanted to watch started.

"How will I be able to focus on anything but you today, mm?" I let out, half-joking.

He rolled his eyes with a low chuckle and we both focused on the tv for a while. I groaned when the doorbell rang and he laughed again. I sat up to let him get up and when he came back with the food, I realized how hungry I was. we ate again in silence but I couldn't stop glancing at him. There was something endearing in the way he used his chopsticks to push the noddles in his mouth and I only realized I was staring when he turned his gaze to me and chuckled. I blinked a few times and looked away as he swallowed his food.

"It's okay, you can stare. I stare at you too, you know. You just don't notice."

I felt my heart jump in my chest and put my food away.

"Just like I stared at you for about twenty minutes in the middle of the night." I confessed, making him frown. "You were sitting here, in only your boxers, and you were writing. You were so focused on what you were doing that you never noticed me."

I couldn't add that I had found him gorgeous with his messy hair and his tired eyes. I couldn't say that I had felt a wave of love so strong that I almost started crying. I couldn't tell him that because it still embarrassed me to be so in love with him. Not because I didn't want to be, but because I was scared I would end up losing him again.

His lips curled into a smile and he pushed the air out of his lungs. "I was writing a song. For you. About you."

My lips crashed against his and he replied to the kiss quickly, pushing his tongue deep in my mouth as I whimpered. He didn't know that I had read it and I suddenly felt guilty but he literally confirmed that his lyrics were about me and somehow, it made me ecstatic. So ecstatic that I surprised myself wishing he'd ask me to marry him as soon as our lips would part.

"I didn't know if I should tell you but, Olivia, I'm so happy we're both single right now. I know it's wrong to say that but fuck, I'm happy with you. Just you and I. No guilt, no stress, no question. You and me, living this moment."

I kissed him again, not knowing what to answer. I was happy too. I was happier than I had ever been, even before we broke up, and I didn't want anything to change. I didn't want to jinx this by claiming my happiness out loud. I didn't want to risk this happiness with an official relationship because last time didn't end well. It was ridiculous. All my fears made no sense, but it didn't make them vanish to know that.

"I love you, Niall." I whispered, leaving small kisses slowly on his mouth, jaw and cheeks. "I love you more than anything. No one is you."

He finally let go of his chopsticks to cup my face and he breathed in before his mouth found mine again.

"I promise that I'll love you for the rest of my life." he murmured quickly before kissing me again.

My heart jumped when I recognized the lyrics and it made me wonder how often he talked to me with his own lyrics. I wanted to hear all of them. One time, twice, three times... a hundred fucking times. I wanted him to play me all the songs that were for me, to sing them, to whisper them, to yell them. I wanted him to make love to me while he'd do it, to hold my hand as we walked outside as he'd sing, to fucking marry me as he'd yell. I wanted him to claim his love for me until I'd be tired to hear it. And deep down, I knew I'd never be.

"I have a weekend left before I leave for tour." he just said sadly, breaking my heart. "I thought we could leave. Pack a bag, take the road, only you and me, for a few days."

My lips curled so much that my cheeks started hurting and I quickly nodded. I really wanted to spend quality time with him while it was still possible and I kissed his lips again.

"That's a yes?" he made sure as I nodded. "Okay then, we're leaving in 3 days. So cancel all the plans you had."

I laughed and licked my lips, licking his at the same time because of the proximity of our mouths.

"Niall? I'm sorry, I had planned to spend all my days with you but this super hot guy just asked me on a road trip so I'm gonna have to rain check."

He laughed and shook his head slightly. "Dork."

He pulled away slightly to stare at me as we completely forgot the show playing. I grabbed the remote and put it on pause before looking back at him and tilting my head. I needed him more than I ever needed him before and it was scaring me so bad I could feel my heart trying to escape my rib cage in intense thumps.

"Tell me you love me." I whispered as I bit my bottom lip nervously. "Please, Niall."

His face changed and he moved closer. I thought he'd kiss me again but instead, he got serious and I felt him grab my hands.

"I love you, Olivia. I'm in love with you. I never stopped, not one second. And I never will. Do you want me to repeat it every day? At which frequency? Every 6 hours? 4 hours? Two? I'll put a damn alarm on my phone to tell you in the middle of the night if I have to." he said in a soft tone. "I know it was different when we dated, but I will never let you believe that you are not perfect the way you are, that you are not everything I want and need, or that you are not loved. Never again. I swear, Olivia. I fucking love you."

#niall horan #niall horan fluff #niall horan smut #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan story #niall horan writing #my fanfics #yam #i liked the chapter and now idk why but i dont anymore

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edelfliss · 5 years ago

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Been thinkin about revisiting my ask-fellsansgore blog for a long while now as I kind of miss interacting with people in that format. But, I don’t really like the direction the blog took, and I feel like I wrote myself into a corner with it. There are so many things I wish I had done differently. So, I do want to start a new Undertale blog, but in a sort of different way, and with a different AU.

I’ve recently gotten re-interested in the Fellswap gold au, and I feel like more could be done with it. I feel that there’s untapped potential with it, and I’ve been musing about how I would write/develop it. And I think I did come up with something good, and I want to share my interpretation of it in a sort of interactive, choose your own adventure style blog.

Like, the blog would be kind of like a text adventure, with pictures/drawings of course, and I would be the ‘narrator’, and give choices at various intervals, like: “you come across a nearly empty candy bowl” and the possible choices I would give for others to vote on would be “leave it alone”, “take one piece”, or “take the bowl”. And then you guys would vote on what choice you want to pick, and I would write up and draw what happens depending on the winning choice. Basically it would be like how Undertale is played, like a game, except it would be in blog format and you guys would be voting on what happens, and basically be guiding the story along. Does that sound interesting? Because I think it sounds like fun, and I would really like to give it a shot, I just don’t know if anyone else would be interested...

As a basic synopsis of my interpretation of the AU, basically humans went to war with monsters due to them being different, and had the advantage in the war because they had guns and tanks and stuff like that. The monsters were then banished to live within Mt. Ebott, and to prevent any further aggression from the humans, the monsters made the magical seal to protect themselves as they started thinking that the caverns in the mountain were their only safe place. But then after a while the humans start fighting each other over their own differences, and then they start banishing the different humans to Mt. Ebott. Thinking that the humans were still pursuing them and wanting to kill them off for good, Toriel decrees that all humans who fall down must be killed. The blog would start off with the legend opening, and then transition into a character creation, where you guys would be able to create the most recent fallen human and even give them a name and all that.

Since this is a fellswap au, I want to take inspiration mostly from Underfell, with some Underswap hints, as I feel like all of the fellswap and swapfell AUs only really take inspiration from the Underswap au, and don’t use much inspiration from Underfell aside from the edgy aesthetic. I want to change that with this AU.

As for the monsters themselves, Asgore would be in the Ruins and suffer from mental issues due to losing his children and not being able to handle the deaths of the fallen humans. Toriel sent him to live in the Ruins, thinking it would improve his mental state, but it only worsened it. He thinks that any fallen humans who show up in the Ruins are his dead children, and will act as such. Sans is part of the royal guard, and has the blacklist book instead of Papyrus. He has the entirety of Snowdin under his thumb, and is feared by everyone who lives there. He’s silver-tongued and is a control freak. He has connections with the royal family, and can manipulate them - and others - into doing what he wants. Papyrus rarely speaks, and usually communicates through written messages and gestures. He’s fed up with Sans babying him all the time and being very overprotective of him. This has led to Papyrus being very sneaky so he can do things Sans would normally be against. Is very scared of the current situation going on in the Underground, and drinks coffee loaded with sugar to try and stay awake, as he doesn’t know what might happen - especially to Sans - if he falls asleep. Just wants to make some friends, but due to his association to Sans, other monsters avoid him, thinking he would squeal on them to Sans. Undyne is still captain of the royal guard, and has become the voice of the monster people, as things in the Underground aren’t doing so well. Living conditions have worsened, nobody is being listened to especially by Toriel, nobody is allowed to speak their mind, and anyone who wants to leave the Underground is punished severely. Undyne seeks to change all of that, and she has even started sparking and fanning the flames of a revolution to better their situation in the Underground. She hates Sans because even though she outranks him, he’s favored by Toriel and has more power than Undyne does. The two argue and squabble a lot. Undyne does not wear royal guard armor as an act of defiance to Toriel and Sans. She also wants to get Asgore out of the Ruins. Alphys is even more reclusive than she is in Undertale. She was forced by Toriel to turn Mettaton into a human killing machine, among other things she heavily regrets. She worries constantly about going against Toriel for fear of punishment, and wants to do the right thing, but doesn’t want to get in trouble, and she gets stuck in these thought loops so often that it paralyzes her and she winds up not doing anything. She and Undyne are currently dating. Mettaton just wants to entertain, but has been turned into the poster boy for what Toriel wants the royal guard to be. He has been programed to detect and kill any humans that happen to enter the Underground, and can’t fight back against it. Toriel has deluded herself into thinking that the Underground was their only safe place, and to leave was unthinkable. She’s trapped herself into thinking she can’t do anything, and that they were all helpless. She also thinks of her subjects as misbehaving children that need to be disciplined when they act out. She doesn’t really listen to anyone, expect for Sans, and the voice in her head telling her this was fine.

So yeah, these are just my thoughts and my own interpretation of the fellswap gold AU, and I have so much more that I’ve thought of for it and can’t wait to share. But, I do want feedback, so... does this sound interesting at all? I’d really like to know. I mean, I’m gonna do it anyway, but still.

#Haru's ramblings #undertale #fellswap gold

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fcarher · 5 years ago

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↪ @skyvar ☕️ blog hoppers, multis with short, unfinished or lack of about pages, ppl who seem to lose often their starter calls, rp blogs who never manage to get a thread past 10 notes, rpers who use their blog more for ooc stuff and rarely if ever rly manage rp stuff, free art short gratitude, have fun

【Send ☕️ + an rp topic I will give my honest thoughts and opinions on it 】

blog hoppers

i don’t really care for them, meaning that i won’t follow people who constantly move from one blog to another without putting effort into writing; i just don’t see myself interacting with them because while shorter threads & first meeting threads are fun, they often become boring quick if it’s all the same. if you have many blogs & put effort into those ?? congratulations; you’re fucking amazing & i honestly look up to you. (shoutout to @veliminate because wow, finn i’m amazed that you’re putting so much into so many muses at the same time ! it’s so great c: ) but if you just constantly make new muses with new blogs just BECAUSE ? nah, it’s not my cup of tea, sorry.

multis with short,unfinished or lack of about pages

it depends ??? if i know the mun, muse, etc. i don’t mind it as much if i’m going to be honest but if i don’t & you follow me, i’m gonna be hesitant about following back in all honesty. i love reading the about sections about every muse, no matter if it’s an oc or a canon muse; they’re all different & i love it, so, even if you think it might not be THAT necessary to have one; i think it is. like i said; i don’t really follow a lot of them back if they don’t have one, at all. unfinished ones ? i think they’re alright if the muse is new & they provide info with headcanon, lore, meta posts. but yeah, still picky, ngl 8′)

ppl who seem to lose often their starter calls

i don’t really understand it ? call me stupid but i don’t understand how you can lose a starter call ? i mean, the post is most def there & the notes should also be there, so what’s the matter ? if anyone wants to educate me on this, please do because it never happened to me, so i don’t really understand it. in the past, a few years back, i had some blogs doing it & i just thought that they were re-doing their starter calls because people liked it with whom they didn’t enjoy writing as much 8′) yeah but guys, keep an eye on those starter calls or i’ll have to do it 👁️ 👄 👁️

rp blogs who never manage to get a thread past 10 notes

i never thought of this but just one question to those; how ??? i see the fun in having many threads; most of them go unfinished, that’s a given, but not getting them past ten ? i don’t know; i mostly follow people who really put a lot of effort into their writing & when i see something like this, it’s kind of discouraging because i always have the lingering feeling that they’re going to drop the thread anyway; it’s just meh.

rpers who use their blog more for ooc stuff and rarely if ever manage rp stuff

this kind of ties in with what i wrote before; i don’t really like it because, in all honesty, i’m mostly here to write & explore yuna. it’s your blog, do what you may desire; i won’t police you or anything but don’t expect me to follow you back. it happens rarely that i interact with blogs who mostly post ooc stuff, unrelated to their character. it’s just not for me; i’m not a huge social media person, so i often just view tumblr as a writing site. the only exception is when i know the people behind the blogs & they’re my friends; i don’t mind it as much, but i’m just hesitant about following new blogs who do the same.

free art short gratitude

thIS BUGS ME SO MUCH !!!!! you don’t have to write a whole essay on why you love this piece of art i created for you but some nice words with some perspective of what you liked about it, would not only be hella encouraging but also REALLY REALLY nice !! it’s just always nice to know that the person really appreciates what you have done for them; NO MATTER WHAT IT IS !! i don’t care if it’s a doodle, a sketch, a whole colorized & stylized full body piece of art; i love it all & honestly, if someone were to gift you any of those, you should be, too. there’s so much negative shit in this world & i think, being grateful & expressing the gratitude towards someone who does something without expecting anything in return, would make this hellsite, at least, a little bit better 8′)

#skyvar #˗ ˋ † ᴏᴏᴄ ﹕ slug arrived !#˗ ˋ † ᴀꜱᴋꜱ ﹕ do you seek the truth or a beautiful lie ?#( akshasj thank u bby !!! <3 )#( that was a LOT but i enjoyed it tbh 8') )#( lots of salt in me ;; )#tw long post

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thefigureinthecorner · 6 years ago

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tbs art playlist dump

i want to share my playlists but a) don’t feel like making covers for all of them just yet and b) don’t wanna inundate my blog with playlist posts, but they are relevant to my art cause they help with Drawing Emotions n stuff so i’m still posting them on this blog

i’ll stick the links under the cut so i can keep adding to them, since i make them as i find more songs that fit and clicking a read more conveniently always links back to the original post, so 👌

also there are some notes bc thought processes are fun

am archives stuff

this playlist is p much just all the music that gets me in the Sad AM Archives Mood for drawing anything in like. the latter half-ish of the episodes. lyrically there isn’t a whole lot of relevance it just gets me in the right headspace for drawing The Emotions (edit: a lot of these songs have become lyrically relevant since i made this post. i’m crying all the time over every song i listen to. goddammit.)

also there is one song (not on this playlist anymore) that i put on loop for drawing specifically Helen and that’s The Mind Electric-- again, more mood relevance than lyrical relevance, though the title is. oddly accurate

honorable mention: black pear tree by the mountain goats and kaki king cause it’s not on spotify but hot damn

joan/owen

it’s just a lot of sad, pine-y love songs. honestly it’s mostly from owen’s perspective cause there’s been a lot of that lately, and as far as i can tell owen’s where most of the love was coming from in this relationship anyway

share your address- ben platt: frankly, almost all of ben platt’s music gives me strong owen vibes, with a few exceptions. this one’s just owen being super in love. that’s the whole thing.

flaws- bastille: there’s a lot about this song that’s perfect for these two but two sections in particular: “When all of your flaws and all of my flaws/Are laid out one by one/The wonderful part of the mess that we made/We pick ourselves undone” and “All of your flaws and all of my flaws/When they have been exhumed/We'll see that we need them to be who we are/Without them we'd be doomed”

the first bit because of everything with Mark, and the second bit because of the last few episodes and the whole “maybe making the mistakes we have makes us uniquely suited to do better in the future” thing

quiet light- the national: owen, post-breakup, probably. the whole thing is good, but “Between you and me/I still fall apart at the thought of your voice” is the part that convinced me to put it here.

title and registration- death cab for cutie: i had this one stuck in my head while drawing owen at one point i think, and then it kinda just. hit me how well it worked. “There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade/And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all/And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide/Lying awake at night”

better- ben platt: yeah it’s ben platt again and i can’t even point to specific lyrics it’s just the whole song. this one’s on owen’s main playlist too but it had to be here

you can do better than me- death cab for cutie: not sure about the first verse, but the rest of the song?? fuck

tompkins square park- mumford and sons: also a song that’s on owen’s main playlist, but it’s on this playlist because after am archives 15 it’s destroying me.

i don’t wanna love somebody else- a great big world: gonna let the lyrics speak for themselves: Oh, we left it all unspoken/Oh, we buried it alive/And now it's screaming in my head/Oh, I shouldn't go on hoping/Oh, that you will change your mind/And one day we could start again/Well I don't care if loneliness kills me/I don't wanna love somebody else

like. excuse me.

this whole song just straight up is his conversation with Sam in am archives 13 huh

owen

i know i’ve linked to this one before on my blog (the notes are here if you want them) but i’m sticking it in the masterpost anyway

this one exists cause a) i draw him a lot and b) there wasn’t a playlist for owen, which is a decision i respect, but also the one song we do have for him kind of. doesn’t help me draw him. i feel like it makes it harder for me to draw him? the song suits him, lyrics-wise, and i understand why it’s his song, but also there’s a lot tone-wise that just takes me out of drawing him a bit. idk why. anyway here’s a playlist

mark

i made this one cause the official mark playlist was Happy Mark Songs, which is great and i’m glad he gets happy songs, but also i very rarely draw him happy (sorry mark i swear ily) and i needed a playlist of Sad Mark Songs. side note: i probably could have added like half the radical face discography to this playlist

paint’s peeling- rilo kiley: there’s a lot about this song that fits, but one line specifically that put this song on the playlist: And, oh, I'm not going back to the assholes that made me

i hate u, i love u- gnash (ft. olivia brian): see damien’s notes on this song, i wrote those before i wrote mark’s and it’s on both playlists for the same reasons

hard of hearing- radical face: holy shit

dead ends- radical face: also holy shit

personal giants (alternate reality version)- radical face: stop me if you’ve heard this before, but: holy shit. also this is totally a mark and joan song. maybe mark and sam also. just mark looking up to all the people who have ever loved him in any way

something good can work- two door cinema club: took this one from his official playlist; i love two door cinema club so i felt like i had to

a better son/daughter- rilo kiley: added this one after episode 14 of the am archives cause i re-discovered rilo kiley like right before that episode came out and aaaaaaaaa

older- ben platt: it’s sad in a Mark Way. idk how else to describe it.

mistakes we knew we were making- straylight run: i know i say this a lot but like......... it’s the whole song. look at the lyrics and try to tell me this isn’t a mark song.

stage 4 fear of trying- frank iero: “and i found some scars in places i have never shown to anyone/i don't know why it took so long to get back home/"if you could hear the dreams i've had my dear..."/yeah i know you've heard that line before/but if i had the chance to scream all the things i've underlined”

still feel- half alive: yeah ok so this is a more upbeat one but it needed to be here. again, a lot about this song works, but like. “Trying to recognize myself when I feel I've been replaced” is the line that got it here

ok ok- half alive: the lyrics kinda work, but honestly, it just Felt Like A Mark Song to me.

damien

it’s either this playlist or, just, The Entire Bastille Discography, cause for some reason their music really suits him imo. this one and the owen one are the ones i consider closest to being complete.

bloody shirt- to kill a king: idk where to even start with this song tbh like i think the lyrics are just his entire post-safehouse arc so it’s definitely something i’ve listened to a lot while drawing him

blame- bastille: another post-safehouse one but this one very specifically links back to the Get The Hell Out conversation him and mark have; fall upon your knees, saying, "this is my body and soul here"/fall and begging, pleading, "you've got the power and control"/don't pin it all on me

reaper man- mother mother: this one’s from the Official Playlist™ and it’s here for p much the same reasons it’s on the official one, with the addition of it helps me draw him. it’s also the only one that i think does from that playlist? which isn’t me bad-mouthing the playlist, i feel like the songs definitely suit him, but again: suiting him and helping me draw him are two very different things

gold- imagine dragons: yeah again it’s just the whole damn song

look what you made me do- our last night (cover): i think lauren shippen posted about this being a damien song on either her blog or the bright sessions blog at one point? and shortly after that this cover showed up in my recommended videos so that’s how that happened

birthright- celldweller: i don’t even remember how i thought of this song while i was making the playlist given it’d been literal years since i listened to celldweller but it worked and it’s here

the hearse- matt maeson: the stripped version of this song is on owen’s playlist because it sounded kind of sad/apologetic; this one doesn’t. this one is still kinda sad but it’s angrier. it’s leaning more towards mark/damien territory; i stuck a couple of those songs on this playlist because a) i don’t draw mark/damien much and b) in the rare cases i do, the official playlist works for me

i hate u, i love u- gnash (ft. olivia brian)- another mark/damien one and also another official playlist song cause i heard it the first time and went oh shit so it’s here now

current works in progress

no links, but i have a lot of songs in mind for these ones that i just haven’t put together into playlists yet:

sam

sam/mark

joan

joan and mark

#the bright sessions #the am archives #playlist

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let-it-raines · 6 years ago

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Rising from the Ashes (7/?)

Summary: When her husband died, Emma wasn’t sure that she could ever move on. He left her with a broken heart and a baby who was only three-months old. It’s enough to take most people down, to make them not want to keep going, but Emma Swan isn’t most people. She’s stronger than she has any right to be. And after years of heartache, she’s found ways to move on…one of those being in Neal’s best friend, Killian Jones. As she’s always known, however, things are more complicated than they ever seem to be.

Rating: Mature

A/N: I’m just going to apologize for this chapter. I am bracing myself for the yelling, but, really, when you think about it, this has been coming since the beginning. And it’ll also get us where we need to go. Remember that happy ending thing, right? I promise that always!

Shout out to @thejollyroger-writer because she wanted feelings ;)

Double “-/-” around the flashback!

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

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Emma moves her hands in front of her face before pulling them away and opening her lips into a smile while she gasps. Ada immediately giggles, and claps her hands together, her sign that she wants Emma to do it again. So she does. “Peek-a-boo,” she giggles, continuously moving her hands back and forth while Ada’s eyes scrunch up and her dimples show. She gets those from Killian. Most of her face has really started to look like Killian in the past week, but her coloring is all Emma. Genetics can be so fickle and weird.

“Peek-a-boo,” she repeats as the sound of the running water stops, Killian obviously finishing his shower. He’s usually pretty quick, but he’s been in there for much longer than usual even without the music he sometimes plays. “Yeah, here’s Momma. Momma’s right here, Ada bug. See, she’s not going anywhere.”

Ada coos in between her giggles before she decides to lay down on her back and bring her feet to her mouth, which she prefers over literally every toy she and Killian have bought. It figures. How can you get better than feet?

Okay, so that makes it sound like she has a foot fetish when really, she’s just talking about how weird babies are.

Emma moves to lay down on her stomach on the carpet, straightening out Ada’s play rug and gently moving Ada onto her stomach as well. If they can get tummy time out of the way now, she won’t have to deal with it later. Ada is so close to rolling over on her own. She just needs a little more time to get it. She’s six months old as of three days ago, and Emma had absolutely sobbed after Killian had left for work and taken Henry to school.

Sobbed.

She had been miserable, not wanting to accept that her baby was that old, and she’d let herself cry over it for a few minutes until she felt so exhausted that she simply couldn’t cry anymore. She had no idea why it affected her so much, why it’s still affecting her. She remembers being sad when Henry had turned six months, but it was an entirely different kind of sadness over realizing that her baby was going to grow up without a father and she’d be facing all of these milestones alone. Now she’s sad that time seems to be passing by so quickly.

And soon her baby won’t be a baby anymore, Henry will be a teenager, and then he’ll be moving out of the house and getting married.

Wow, okay. She’s got to cool down her thoughts before she does something crazy like spiral. The past few months of her life have pretty much been a constant struggle to keep herself from spiraling.

After she’s got Ada all situated on her mat, putting toys around her to make sure she can attempt to reach them, she hears the bathroom door open and Killian walks out with just his boxers on as he tilts his head to the side and dries his hair with a towel. It’s…it’s a sight she’s seen nearly every single day for years, but it always takes her breath away. He always takes her breath away in so many ways, but honestly, right now, she’s especially thankful for the way he still finds time to sometimes run on his lunch breaks or early in the mornings before work.

She’d feel the same way about him if he just sat on his ass during his lunch breaks, but she’s not blind. She can appreciate the lean muscles of his body and the way dark hair is spread out over his chest and down his flat stomach. She can also appreciate the way his boxer briefs cling to his thighs and his cock, the hair on his stomach disappearing into the material of the glorious briefs. She can just appreciate him.

Okay, so maybe they haven’t slept together in awhile, and she’s feeling…frustrated.

Or maybe she’s really fucking horny. She’s not even a fan of the word horny, thinks it’s too much like what her immature teenagers at school say, but that’s pretty much how she’s been feeling lately. She needs to have sex. That’s what it boils down to.

“What are you staring at, love?”

“Huh?” she asks, shaking her head and running her tongue over her bottom lip while she flips her hair over her shoulder, thinking herself down because now is not the time. Now could totally be the time. “I wasn’t staring at anything.” “You are such a horrible liar. I literally don’t know how you keep anything a secret. Sometimes you’re awful.”

“Honestly, I was just thinking about how unbelievably horny I am, and how I was kind of hoping that we could have some time to ourselves tonight.”

The smile that was on his face fades away, morphing into that neutral smile she’s been seeing so much of in the past two months, and something inside of her stomach twists. Killian’s been acting so strange, stranger even in the past few days especially. He’s not himself, and she was just craving some kind of regularity with him where they could talk and get back to them. All she’s really wanted was a normal day. She wants to wake up, kiss Killian, go feed Ada and play with her, talk to Henry over breakfast and send him off to school, and do all of their normal family stuff in the evenings.

And she wants to sleep with her boyfriend again.

Because that’s normal. It shouldn’t be a rare thing, not with them, not when she knows that they had such a healthy, strong relationship.

Not when she knows, when she hopes, that they still have that.

Everything has been a gradual adjustment of sorts. After what she’s chalking up to as the initial shock and a jerk reaction of Neal finding out she and Killian were together, everything has been much calmer. Well, calm isn’t exactly the right word to describe her life. It never has been, but she thinks in the past month, they’ve gotten into a sort of rhythm, even if it’s not necessarily the rhythm she likes.

Every single morning is like their normal(ish) routine of rushing to get children fed and Killian getting ready for work. Sometimes Neal is up, which really only slows them down because Henry wants to talk to him about every little thing, but most of the time he sleeps until mid-morning, sometimes even noon. It usually depends on if he’s going to therapy or one of the support groups he’s started going to after his interview last week. A lot of people have reached out apparently, more than before, and he’s trying some of them out as he acclimates back to life. He seems so good to her, but he must be struggling on the inside.

She understands that in a way. Definitely not the same way. She’s never been a prisoner of war, would never dare to compare anything in her life to that, but she can understand keeping things bottled up inside when you’re scared of what saying them out loud will mean.

God, that interview had been a disaster from the beginning. It was beautifully done, and she really is thankful for Neal getting to do it since he was so convinced that it was good for him. Then the interviewer asked about her, asked about her moving on, and she felt her entire body go lax except for her arms around Ada. She’s gotten judgment from people who she’s known over the years, but the last thing she needed was judgment from the entire world. It was a fair question, but…it wasn’t right.

It shouldn’t have been asked like that. It shouldn’t have been asked at all.

And Neal had answered it so eloquently, so sweetly, and it had absolutely shattered her heart.

He called her the love of his life even though they’re not together anymore. She didn’t know what to say to that, how to respond. So she didn’t. Afterward she’d hugged him and told him how proud she was of him, but she didn’t want to talk about anything else that happened in the interview. She couldn’t. She just wanted to spend some time with her kids, wanted to spend time with the two people who never fail to put a smile on her face even when they make her want to scream out in frustration.

“Can you, um, put her in her bouncer?” Killian asks, nodding to Ada on the ground, his lips ticking up only a slight bit before falling back down while his shoulders slump forward. Something is wrong. Something is not okay, and she’s terrified to find out, her own shoulders tensing while she tries to keep herself from trembling. She can’t take any more upheaval, but his face, his tone – they’re not right.

“Killian, what’s wrong?” She slowly gets up from the floor, picking Ada up and putting her in her bouncer, focusing on each movement of her body while her heart pounds within her chest. Why does Killian look like that? Why does he want to talk?

All she’s wanted was for them to talk, actually talk, but she knows him well enough to know that this isn’t what she’s wanted.

“Emma, sit down.”

“No.” She shakes her head back and forth, refusing to sit down. If she doesn’t sit down, he won’t say what he’s about to say. She recognizes the look on his face now that they’re at eye level. It’s the one he gets when he has bad news, and she refuses to hear anything else. She refuses to have her world flipped upside down again. She thought it finally had a chance at getting righted. “No, just tell me.” “Darling,” he soothes, his lashes continually blinking against his cheeks as if he’s blinking away tears, “please sit down on the bed.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to talk to you.”

“So just fucking talk to me,” she chokes, the sob unexpectedly coming out of her, before putting her hands over her mouth in an attempt retrace her steps. Ada’s in the room. She can’t talk like that. She’s overreacting. Nothing has even happened yet. Everything is fine. Maybe it’s about something at work. Maybe he’s transferring departments. Maybe he’s getting fired. Maybe it’s anything other than what she already absolutely knows that it is.

She backs up to the bed, letting her ass fall to the mattress when the back of her knees hit the frame. Killian comes to stand inches away from her, squatting down in front of her with water in his eyes, making them so damn blue. That doesn’t help her in the slightest.

She really loves his eyes.

“Emma,” he whispers, his voice almost as steady as it always is as he takes her hands in his, holding on tightly, “I don’t know how to say this. I’ve been rehearsing it in my head for days, and I don’t…I can’t find a good way to tell you how I’m feeling.”

“Please don’t.”

“I have to, love.”

“Please don’t call me love if you’re going to do this.”

“Aye,” he nods, squeezing her hands even tighter while his fingers run over her knuckles in what used to be a comforting motion. This isn’t real. It’s not happening. He’s not doing this. “Emma, I think we need to take a break from each other. You and I both know that it hasn’t been the same since Neal came back, and I feel like having some time apart might make things easier.”

“You can’t do this, Killian. Please don’t do this.”

“I have to do this.”

“No, no you don’t,” she begs, her stomach dropping and weighing heavily within her. She knew he was going to say this, knew he was going to do this, and she can’t. She can’t. She can’t. “You can stay. You don’t have to leave me. You don’t have to leave us. Please don’t leave us.”

“I’m not talking about leaving you all,” he promises, running his thumb over her knuckles again and again. She watches it, watches the way his hands are larger than hers, the pads rough from his years in the Navy and yet soothing as they move over hers. “I’m just saying that I sleep in a different room. I could stay down in the study, but I think that might be too obvious for Henry. I don’t want him to worry right now, so I was thinking I could stay on an air mattress in the nursery. Or even on the floor. Ada could stay in here with you. I’d be here. I wouldn’t leave our kids. I just don’t think I can be with you right now.”

“W-why?”

“Darling, you know why.” She wants to look at his face, but she can’t. All she can do is focus on his fingers, on the consistent movement that has them connected even as her stomach churns. “I can’t live with myself knowing that I’ve kept a family apart. You would never be with me if Neal hadn’t been captured. It would be you, him, and Henry. He loves you, Emma. He loves you so damn much, and it’s tearing me apart because I’m keeping you apart. I love you, I love our family, but our family is a little more complicated than it used to be. I think we need time apart so we can figure things out instead of avoiding every little conflict like we’ve been doing.”

“I don’t want that.”

“But I do.”

“Killian,” she sobs, snatching her hands out of his and scrambling up the bed. She can already feel the puffiness in her eyes, the ache in her head and the heaviness in all of her limbs, something similar to cement filling her veins and anchoring her to the mattress, “I don’t want it. I don’t want to take a break. I want our family to stay together. You say you don’t want to break a family up, but you’re breaking our family up. For what? Because you feel guilty? Guess what. I feel guilty too but I’m not about to break us up.”

“It’s a break. It’s not a break up. I need time to think, Swan. I need to not have you next to me every damn night. I need some kind of boundary with us. Do I want to do this? No, no I fucking don’t. But I have to. I have to do this. I have to give myself time to think and give you time to think. I can’t think of any other way to fix us or to know if we even need to fix us.”

“Get out,” she says as calmly as she can, taking deep breath after deep breath so she doesn’t yell for everyone in the house to hear. “Get out, take Henry to school, and don’t call me today. I don’t want to talk to you, Killian. Take your precious time because I don’t want it. I don’t need it. You can have it to figure your shit out because I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.”

“Emma, I do want to be with you, but I – ”

“Out,” she cries, pointing to the door. Killian nods his head, quickly scurrying around the room for clothes. He wasn’t even fucking dressed yet, and he just broke up with her. Just like that. Who the hell breaks up with someone when they’re not even dressed? “Please get…get out,” she cries when he’s still buttoning up his shirt, and when he leans down to kiss Ada’s head, she only starts crying more.

She has no idea how long she stays in bed, how long it takes for the tears to stop flowing from her eyes. All she knows is that she feels sick. She could vomit over and over again with absolutely no reprieve. She knew it was coming the moment Killian looked at her like that, but hearing the words has made everything worse. He’s leaving. He says it’s only temporary, that it’s a step back, but she knows from experience that it’s one step out of the door.

He’s leaving her just like most everyone has done. She thought that she’d finally found someone who wouldn’t do that to her, whether it be by his choice or something she can’t control, but she was obviously wrong. All she wants is to be with him, to have their family back together, but she can’t think with the murkiness of her mind.

A gurgle emanates from across the room, and she has to force herself to get out of bed even as all of her limbs protest, even as her heart constricts in her chest. She can’t quit. She can’t stop living her life. People rely on her, and as much as she wants to stay hidden away in the darkness, the shards of her heart surrounding her, she has a perfectly unbroken piece of her heart giggling just a few feet away.

Ada has no idea that her mom’s world just fell apart, and she’s not going to.

“Hey, Ada bug,” she hiccups, her voice harsher than she thought it would be as she takes Ada out of her bouncer, holding her tightly to her chest as she kisses the crown of her head of hair that she thinks lightens a bit every day, “Momma is here. I’m here, okay? I’m always going to be here.”

-/-

“She’s so tiny,” Henry whispers as he walks into the hospital room, his brown eyes blown wide as his gaze flitters between she and Ada. “She was inside of you?”

“She was,” she whispers back, scooting over in the bed and patting the small empty spot so Henry can crawl into bed next to her.

“Be careful, lad,” Killian warns a bit louder, his hands already reaching out as if Henry’s small frame is going to bring down she and Ada. “Your mum needs you to be gentle with her and with your sister.”

“I know,” he huffs, the irritation obvious as he climbs up into bed, settling his bony limbs next to her. He’s probably got to be exhausted with how many times Killian has told him to be gentle over the last nine months. She imagines there was a lot more of it in the waiting room outside. “You’ve told me that, like, eight thousand times.”

“Oh eight thousand whole times,” she laughs, pressing a kiss into Henry’s hair while she readjusts Ada on her chest. She remembers exactly what it was like when this was Henry in her arms, but it’s still altogether terrifying to have such a small child. It’s also terrifying to know that she’s going to get just as big as her big brother. “When did you get so smart that you can count that high?”

“I guess I’m just a genius.”

She and Killian both snicker, unable to hold it in. He’s so confident about everything, and even though that sometimes means he thinks he’s invincible and does dumb things, it’s usually endearing.

“I think so. How does it feel to be a big brother?”

“Weird, but Uncle Liam told me being a big brother is a very important job.”

“Did he now?”

“Yep,” he sighs, sinking down in the bed and tilting his head as he tries to get Ada to look over at him, his fingers reaching out and touching her shoulder before quickly pulling back. “He said that he’s Daddy’s big brother, and that I’m supposed to protect Ada and be her friend.”

“Oh I like that, kid. I think you guys are going to be best friends.”

“Yeah, but she’s just a baby right now. She can’t even talk.”

“So you’re going to wait until she can talk to be her best friend?”

“Maybe.”

She laughs, the feeling running through her, and she presses her lips against Ada’s head before she does the same to Henry. “I love you, Henry. You’re already doing such a great job.”

“I love you too. Can I go get lunch now?”

“Yeah,” she smiles, looking up at Killian who has soft crinkles around his eyes from the way his lips are ticking up on the side. He’s been a dad to Henry for a long time, but he didn’t get to be there for all of the pregnancy and the birth. This is like a whole new ballpark for him, and watching the softness in his gaze is so dang wonderful. “We’ll let Grandma come see your sister and then I’m sure she’ll take you to lunch.”

“Did someone say Grandma?” Ruth asks as she practically sprints into the room. Emma should have known that she’d be lurking outside the door. How could she not be after Killian left to go get Henry from the waiting room.

“It seems that Grandma was eavesdropping,” Killian teases, getting up from his seat and offering it to Ruth.

“Oh no, hon, I’m not sitting until I get to meet my new grandbaby. She’s my first girl.” Ruth walks over to her until she’s leaning just over Emma and kissing her hairline. Her hair has got to be disgusting right now, but she’ll allow Ruth this moment of affection. They haven’t always been close, especially since Ruth took her in as an angsty teenager, but her having kids has really closed the gap. “Hey, sweetheart,” she whispers in her ear, her breath warm, “I’m so glad you’re okay. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks, Mom,” she sighs, blinking her eyes to keep the tears away. “Do you want to hold her?”

“Of course I do. Let me get my hands on this munchkin.”

“Grandma, why are you talking funny?”

“Because I’m just so excited,” she coos, picking Ada up out of her arms and carefully cradling her while she walks around the room. “Your mom and dad have given me a new grandbaby, and you know that my favorite number is three.”

“Last week you said it was seven because I’m seven.”

“I can have more than one.”

She tears her eyes away from the exchange that’s going on between Henry and Ruth to look over at Killian who was already staring at her, every bit of him relaxed and happy. She hurts like hell right now, but she feels the same.

“I love you,” she mouths over to him, reaching up to mess with the pendant around her neck.

He winks at her, the corners of his lips tugging up on the sides as hers do the same. “I love you too.”

-/-

She lines rolls out on a pan, making sure each of them is evenly spaced out for when they inevitably rise. She’s been cooking for hours straight. She doesn’t even like cooking, doesn’t think she’s great at it, but there are at least three pies in her refrigerator that say otherwise. Killian and David have pretty much been in charge of everything, but she’s had a need to always keep her hands busy over the past five days. If she doesn’t, she breaks down, and she can’t. She can’t break down.

Not again.

So she bakes and cooks and cleans and spends her time organizing Henry’s room, packing away his summer clothes and bringing down his winter ones from the attic only to have to go back up there to find the Spiderman shirt she apparently packed away. She’ll probably be looking for things he wants for weeks on end. Her entire house is spotless, all of her work at school done ahead of time until one of her students sends her an email needing help, and she’s bought far too many things to make Neal’s room as comfortable as possible for him. She has no idea how long he’s going to stay with them, especially with him beginning to travel back to D.C. once a week as of next week. He said he was going to meet with his commanders as well as a few Congressmen as they decide if he can even really go back to work like he wants.

She knows that he wants to be out and about, but they’ll probably stick him on desk duty or have him be some kind of poster child for the Marines since he’s living in Portland and not D.C. Honestly, she kind of likes that idea the most. She’d rather he be at home to be with Henry than flying off somewhere where she can’t even get in contact with him. When they were younger…God, she can’t even think about how many fights they used to get into over him voluntarily offering to leave even when his unit wasn’t called, but it always made him happier to be able to go. If it’s his passion, it’s his passion. Who is she to hold him back? She only hopes that he’ll take Henry into consideration and get a desk job…in Maine preferably.

There might not be any available that he wants (she’s personally a fan of the analyst job he’s been offered), but it seems like a better option than having to put Henry on a flight to D.C. to be with his dad.

Oh God. She can’t do that. She can’t send her child away. Neal has every right to Henry and Henry every right to Neal, but she can’t even think about that right now without her knees buckling underneath her. If she thinks about this, thinks about how she might be taking both of her kids off to stay with their dads instead of her…she won’t be able to stand. She doesn’t even know how it would work with Henry and Killian because she’d need to give Killian time too and…no, she can’t. She can’t think about this when she’s trying to get ready for Thanksgiving.

“Mom,” Henry shouts as he and Leo skid into the room, his sweater already rumpled despite how much she tried to find one he wouldn’t mess up, “can Leo and I go play on the swing set?”

“Of course. Stay away from the fryer though.”

“Yes ma’am,” Leo nods before running outside, Henry following behind him. They get so rambunctious when they’re together, and there’s literally no stopping them. She’s surprised that they even asked.

She puts the final roll on the tray before leaving them on the counter so they can be popped into the oven when all of the food is nearly ready to be served. After washing her hands, she moves to the living room where Mary Margaret and Ruth have been watching Ada. Her house is so full of people even if it’s only four extras, and she swears every time she walks into a room, there’s something different than before. She’s almost positive she had heard Neal in here talking to Mary Margaret and Ruth, but he’s nowhere to be seen. He must have gone outside with the guys.

Oh shit. Her house probably looks like some kind of ad from the sixties. At least she doesn’t have an apron on and isn’t wearing pearls.

That would not be her at all.

“Ruth, the oven is free if you want it for your casseroles.”

She waves her way, continuously running a toy into Ada’s stomach that makes her giggle. It’s the sweetest sound that usually fills Emma up with so much happiness, but out of nowhere she can feel tears stinging in the back of her eyes. That’s happening a lot lately. “I’ll get to them in a minute. My grandbaby was calling my name though. This outfit you picked out for her today is so cute.”

It is the cutest thing. She has on a red jumpsuit with ruffles on the shoulders and a matching floral headband that Emma loves.

“Oh, thanks. Killian dressed her this morning. I think we got that as a gift at my shower.”

“It’s adorable.” Ruth looks back up at her, a smile on her face that lessens a bit. “Are you okay, Emma?”

“It looks like you’re tearing up,” Mary Margaret adds in, and she cannot handle all of these eyes on her.

“I had chopped up some onions for the dressing,” she lies, forcing a smile and blinking away the tears. “You guys don’t want to go outside?”

“Nah,” Mary Margaret sighs, crossing her legs on the couch and looking up at the TV where a football game is playing, “David and Killian looked like they were getting into an argument over the turkey, so we figured it was safer in here.”

“Oh great, I just let Henry and Leo out there.”

“They won’t involve the kids in a squabble of a gobble.” “Good Lord, Marg,” she laughs, walking over to the other side of the couch and picking Ada up, fixing the frill on her romper before she sits down in the recliner, “you spend far too much time with eight-year-olds.”

“I am oh so aware.”

She sits and talks with them for a few minutes while nothing else needs to be done. She’d offered to host Thanksgiving this year back before her life got crazy, and while Mary Margaret had gladly tried to take over, Emma couldn’t let her. It’s part of her goal to keep everything normal. They can host a family event here without it being a big deal. It’s not like they’re a family of over forty people.

Of course, she also thought she and Killian would be together, that there wouldn’t be this overriding air of hostility, but she’s trying to ignore that. It’s not like she’s told anyone what’s happened. She’s pretty sure only she and Killian know. It’s only been a few days, and without fail Killian waits until everyone else has gone to bed to go into the nursery to sleep and is up and ready downstairs before anyone wakes up. She knows he can’t be comfortable in there, but it’s apparently what he wants.

How in the hell is that what he wants?

It’s not what she wants even as her anger at him builds and builds every time she looks at him going about his day like everything is normal.

Nothing about this is normal.

She really hopes that whatever it is he needs to figure out he figures out soon. She’s living in misery.

Throughout the rest of the day, she stays busy, balancing everything she needs to balance while everyone puts in a group effort to get dinner ready. It’s busy and loud and chaotic, and honestly, it’s just what she needs. The conversations at dinner make her smile and laugh, lightening the load on her shoulder a bit, and for just an hour or so, she’s the happiest that she’s been in awhile. She’s not thinking about how she feels like her life is crumbling. She’s thinking about all of the good things in it.

Until Neal unexpectedly leaves the table to answer a phone call that he insists on taking and suddenly that same heavy weight that’s been filling the air seems to be back, constricting her throat and weighing down her shoulders even more than it has been.

“He seems like he’s doing well,” David comments as he takes a bite of dressing. Henry and Leo left to go watch TV twenty minutes ago, and she was waiting to have this conversation. She knew it would be brought up. Why are holidays always so stressful?

“He is,” Killian answers, his gaze staying away from her as he looks at David. “I think he’s really and truly adjusting to life back. His therapy is doing wonders.”

“And it’s not weird that he lives with the two of you?”

“No,” he answers a little too quickly, his eyes looking at her for the briefest of moments before looking away. “It’s all fine. I think we’re doing great.”

Fucking liar.

“Excuse me,” she says as she pushes back from the table, nearly knocking over several drinks and plates full of food as she hastily gets up, the heels on her boots clicking with every step that she takes as she moves out of the dining room and finds the nearest exit in Killian’s study, opening the doors and closing them before she falls to the couch and looks at the wall she’s facing.

It’s a mistake as it’s filled with framed photos of Henry and Ada both alone, together, and with she and Killian. It’s literally his wall of family portraits, and looking at them used to fill her with so much joy thinking about how proud he was of their family, and now she can’t even look at them. She’s got so much to be thankful for, but she’s been hiding her emotions away for days now. She let herself cry the one time, and she’s finally allowing herself to do it again, water filling her eyes before falling to her cheeks.

“Emma.”

She doesn’t bother looking up, doesn’t bother acknowledging David or the concern in his voice as he closes the doors behind him before joining her on the couch, the leather squishing beneath his weight.

“What do you want, David?”

“I’m checking on you,” he murmurs, his arm reaching around her and pulling her in closer until she’s cradled into his chest, her legs curled up underneath her while she silently cries. She’s so damn tired of crying or wanting to cry or just…whatever, but she can’t make it stop. She’s been holding too much back. “What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Emma, you and I both know that’s not true.” His hand moves up and down her back, and she nods her head against his chest. He smells like the deep fryer mixed with the cologne he’s worn every day in the sixteen years that she’s known him. He’s not one for change. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on with you and Killian? And don’t say nothing. I’ve already tried talking to him about it, and he pretty much told me to fuck off.”

“Can I tell you to fuck off?”

“You can, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to listen.”

She sniffles, a bit of laughter mixed in, and even with the snot that’s running down her nose, this is the best she’s felt since she left dinner. “W-we’re…he said he wanted to take a break to think – to think about things.”

“About what?”

“Us,” she shrugs, not bothering to look up at David to have this conversation. It’s easier this way. It’s almost like she let everything out without having to see David’s reaction. Instead she focuses on a picture of she, Killian, Henry, and Ada in the hospital on the day Ada was born. She looks disgusting in it, but it’s one of her favorite memories. “I had a hard time listening when he was talking. I knew that it was going to end with him ending us, and I wasn’t ready to hear that.”

“No one ever is ready to hear anything like that. So it’s about Neal then? That’s why he wants a break? You guys have been so solid, and I can’t imagine anything else coming between the two of you.”

“I guess,” she sniffs again, wiping her nose on David’s flannel. She’ll have to offer to clean it later. She’s sure there’s mascara on it too. She probably looks like a raccoon with allergies or something. “I think he feels guilty, and I get that. How could I not? I feel guilty nearly every time I look across the table at dinner and see Neal talking to Henry, but what Killian and I had…I thought it was real. I thought he was always going to be there for me. I mean, I have a baby with him. I chose to have a baby with him. That’s not something you do with someone you don’t plan on staying with for a long time, if not forever. I thought we were going to get married someday.”

“I know, I know,” he soothes, his hand continuing its motions on her back, “but don’t you think that maybe Killian feels like you chose to do that with Neal first? That he was supposed to be your forever and Killian’s just someone in between, especially since you guys could have this miraculous chance at being a family again?”

And there’s the crux of the problem. No, there’s the problem. How does one deal with your husband coming back from the dead when you’ve moved on? There’s no guidebook, no help, and there’s no way to know how to do what’s best.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I – I try so hard to feel the love I once felt for Neal again. I do, but it’s not there. It hasn’t been nourished for eight years, and we weren’t in a good place when Henry was born. Henry was a surprise baby, and I was so shocked about him, you know? But I was so happy too once I got over all of the shock. I just…Neal wasn’t as happy,” she whispers, the words so quiet that they barely sound in her own ears. “I think he almost resented me for it, like I’d gotten pregnant on purpose when we weren’t trying, but then there’d be moments where I could tell he was just so happy. One day he’d be telling me he didn’t want a kid and the next he’d be making all of these plans for how Henry would grow up.”

“You never told me any of that.”

“I’ve never told anyone that. Everyone has always thought I was a screwup growing up. I didn’t want more people to think that I was a screwup in my marriage too. So many people told me I was too young when we got married…and I didn’t want them to be right.”

God, admitting that after all of these years is like a car being lifted off of her chest.

“Emma, I would never think you’re a screw up.”

“Really?” she snorts, the laugh watery even when she hears it in her own ears. “I’m having a meltdown on Thanksgiving, and you don’t think I’m a screw up?”

“I think you’re one of the strongest women I know going through a really tough time. The man you love is going through some – frankly, he’s going through some personal shit, and you are unfortunately getting the brunt of some of his pain even if I promise that Killian would never hurt you if he didn’t think he was doing what’s best. He loves you and your children, and every smile he’s put on today has been so transparent that it’s almost painful for me to watch.”

“What about Neal?”

“What about him, Em? If you don’t love him and don’t want to be with him anymore, you shouldn’t try to force it. You should simply be thankful that a man who you care for is alive and can get to be here for your son. He may have been what sounds like an asshole back then, and don’t you dare think that this is the last that we’re going to talk about that, but he looks at Henry with such love. That’s a man who loves his kid.”

“Yeah,” she sighs, leaning back out of David’s embrace so that she’s holding herself up, the hiccups only coming every now and then, “he does. I just wish none of this had happened.”

“If none of this had happened, you wouldn’t have Ada, and I know you wouldn’t want that. Life is weird. There’s no telling what’s going to happen and how one small change can affect absolutely everything. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to try to not live trying to fix the past when you have so many good things right now. Things are going to work themselves out. It doesn’t mean that they’re not going to be painful, but it does mean that things won’t always seem this difficult.” “When did you get so wise?”

“The moment Mary Margaret put forty candles on my last birthday cake.” He leans over and kisses the top of her head, and she hiccups in response, her tears still falling if only at a lighter rate. “You’re going to be okay, kid.”

“I’m only ten years younger than you.”

“I know, but it feels like an entire decade or something.”

“You’re an idiot.” “How can I be an idiot when you just called me wise?”

She smiles. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Ems,” he promises, kissing her head again.

#rising from the ashes #captain swan #captain swan fic #cs fic #cs ff

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ifeveristoday · 6 years ago

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Amazon releases the Boom! Buffy a day earlier than its published date - I thought it was just a fluke with the first digital copy, but I preordered the second issue and it happened again.

Buckle down internets, here are some mildly quick reactions to issue 2 of the Boom! reboot

okay, so the preview panels are fun to guess about and theorize but wow, dialogue really puts everything in context and all of the supposed drama that I was thinking/okay reading other people’s thoughts re: what was going to happen -- I was wrong about pretty much everything except for Buffy disliking Joyce’s boyfriend. Of a year.

who is probably most likely not evil or going to die in a horrible fashion ...right?

Nice meeting you Eric.

The pacing of this issue is just as quick as the first one - I feel because there are so many characters and such a rich mythology to draw from, that there’s going to be a long run of introducing all of them into the Boom!verse before there is a long sustained arc - that we meet 2-3 new characters each issue and then get a corner piece of the overall puzzle.

This is both good and bad - because it can be overwhelming to a new reader who may not have seen the show and is experiencing Buffy for the very first time in comic form, but for a long time fan like myself - these little introductory drips make me really impatient for what comes next. I just want to collect all the Scoobies and get to the story!

The new additions - Eric and Rose don’t strike me as anything more than love interests currently and are appropriately supportive of Joyce and Willow.

They’re more like cameos but I hope they will get fleshed out in future issues.

Onto canon characters-

Cordelia, Cordelia, Cordelia. In full Queen C/Tracey Flick mode. The twist is that there is no animosity between her and Willow, and Cordelia is that rare popular person who’s actually nice to everyone which is so not how popular media portrays high school to be. I know! Willow envies Cordelia but it’s not due to any messy romance issues, it’s because she thinks Cordelia is so much nicer, smarter and more beautiful. Rose sweetly reminds her that she is all that too.

So for everyone who was worried that just because Willow wears crop tops now she isn’t the awkward insecure muppet skinning sweetheart from the show --- she still is.

Cordelia’s confidence and charisma have been amped to 11 in the Boom!verse - she’s running for class president and already has been Ms. Sunnydale 2017 and 2018. In a conversation with Spike, she also reveals that she doesn’t care what other people think about her.

It’s interesting in this introduction of Cordelia- she’s the most overtly confident, with it character so far - Buffy has that whole secret identity she’s poorly keeping and burgeoning slayer powers, which leads to prickly independence and sassing of authority figures and also a remarkable lack of knowing how to read a room, Willow has self-doubt about her own worth, and Xander -- well those blue boxes were his blogs and feelings of alienation the entire time. They’re three separate characters that are drifting alone in the same direction, whereas Cordelia has the appearance of popularity, beauty, and connecting to others. So ...pretty parallel to the show actually.

Robin - similar to Cordelia in the confidence department - he’s also super smooth - the closing distance between him and Buffy in each descending panel was a nice touch. Buffy, who is already on edge for inadvertently showing off her slayer speed to the track coach, mistakenly thinks Robin is flirting with her - which he neatly turns around into a compliment and a flirt. It was cute, but I want to know why he fell off a roof.

But back to that other meet cute - Cordelia spots a few of her campaign balloons floating around Sunnydale woods and because she’s environmentally minded, runs to catch them.

Spike is lurking in the woods. As you do.

This dialogue:

What’s a nice British guy like you lurking around high school campuses for?

Luring girls like you into the woods.

What big eyes you have, Grandmother.

Cordelia does not interrogate Spike further about why he’s hanging out in the woods and even offers him a ride -- but this is brushed off due to Cordelia’s belief that paranoia is pointless - “..what’s the point in assuming everyone is out to getcha?”

Oh you sweet summer child.

They’re all so young, Gandalf. *sniff

And Spike knows her name, so that’s going to end up real well.

I thought it was both believable and telling that Xander’s blog box wrote “Girls don’t even have to try to be likable. A friendly smile, and they have anyone wrapped around their finger.”

Spoken like a boy who doesn’t know anything about girls. But he’s in pain and we’ve seen what happens when people are in pain and don’t reach out - as quickly as the Scooby Gang assembled in the first issue, they are distant from each other in this issue as other characters are introduced. Xander is constantly shown as an outsider looking wistfully at Willow/Rose and Cordelia. And the chat group with Buffy/Willow, he really feels left out. I honestly hope they don’t go down the path Jonathan did in Earshot with Xander’s characterization, but that last ominous blog box - When am I gonna finally get what I want? <shades of school shooter I’m just saying there’s media precedence>

And finally, to Anya and Drusilla - they’re the keepers of the Spooky and hint at an arc - what brought them to Sunnydale in the first place. Drusilla knows Anya is a demon and can’t be tortured or killed, and Anya tricks Drusilla with a psychology trick, which -- I’m not sure I like, but I will admit I laughed at Anya’s smug expression in the last panel. Bet you feel real dumb right now -- indeed. I’m going to calm down on the theorizing of future previews because they are misleading without dialogue.

So future issue: JENNY CALENDAR (Year Book Club will now be meeting in Ms. Calendar’s classroom in Room 106), the school play is Phantom of the Opera (could be worse. could be Cats.) and there’s a sinkhole in the Science Wing.

And there’s a gossip girl style bulletin at the beginning of the issue:

Ok, guys, NEW SCHOOL YEAR UPDATE! There’s a new student named Buffy and she seems SUPER cool, but also, like, super introverted? Btw I am GREAT at talking to introverts, but she spends all her time in the library with the hot dad librarian. Weird. Also, I hear she walks around a lot at night STABBING PEOPLE. Who does that? Maybe she just needs a new friend to show her that stabbing is bad!

Immediate headcanon: this is Harmony writing these updates. Also Xander’s blog has only three followers.

Final verdict - they’re still hammering out characterizations and the tone of the story, but I dislike that the Scooby Gang has basically evaporated in the second issue and that the cameos of the love interests don’t really add anything to the story except to announce their existence. Eric is totally not going to bite it at any time.

Buffy basically only hangs out in the library and hasn’t attempted to make any other friends besides Xander and Willow, there is no Dawn (and no Mr. Gordo, this is outrageous), Cordelia’s charm offensive makes me think she’s going to reveal herself as a Mayor Wilkins type later on but until then, shine on you crazy diamond. Giles is there to be annoyed at Buffy and I find myself in that odd position of being both on their sides but mostly like Giles, get your feet off the table, Buffy. I was hoping to find out more about when Buffy started training with Giles - they’re definitely not close yet, still very much in the I’m just doing this because I have to and why don’t you take your sacred calling more seriously, you frivolous American teenage girl phase. But yeah, she’s bratty to both Joyce and Giles.

Willow and Rose were there to be cute, and that’s appreciated but again - Rose didn’t really bring anything meaningful to the storyline.

Also yeah there’s a giant bat monster that kills vampires loose in Sunnydale.

Must be Tuesday.

#buffy comics #boom! buffy #boom! studios #spoilers and reactions

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roseisread · 7 years ago

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You Make Me Not Wanna Die: The return of the Pop Menagerie playlist! It’s been way too long since I posted anything on this blog. My only excuse is that I’ve had a crazy year in my personal life and sometimes internet things take a back seat to self care. But right now, I think my best form of self care is listening to and sharing my pop culture faves so I’m back to do just that. I’m starting off with a playlist that contains songs I love to sing along to, cry along to, dance along to, write along to, and think along to. Almost all of these songs are from albums released in 2017, although there may be an exception here or there for songs released earlier that I only discovered recently. In any case, here you go. Enjoy! 1. Allie X - That’s So Us If you love Carly Rae Jepsen, you should love Allie X. This song makes me so happy, and also it makes me cry sometimes because it reminds me of those people that you really can be yourself around and they love you anyway. Those people are rare and wonderful, and if you are one of them for me, then thank you. “You make me not wanna die,” as the song says. I love that line so much I used it to title this playlist. 2. The Drums - Shoot the Sun Down Remember these guys? Kind of sunny indie pop, hit it big with “I Don’t Know How To Love” off of their album Portamento back in 2012? Yeah. They are still here, still awesome, and the album this came from just gives me shivers it’s so freaking great. Also, I joke that this song is dedicated to my cat when she tries to bite and scratch me at night, because of that repeating line, “I put a blanket over my face.” Nena, this one’s for you. 3. Knuckle Puck - Conduit I have such a goddamn soft spot for emo-leaning pop punk, you guys. I can’t even lie. As a bonus, they’re from the Chicago area so technically I can claim them as a local band. This song reminds me of the best of Blink 182, early Jimmy Eat World, and maybe even a little Brand New. I also love the lyrics, with their references to grinding teeth and lucid dreams. Definitely relatable for me. 4. MUNA - End of Desire You might be familiar with MUNA if you love Tegan and Sara, because this band appears on The Con: X covering Relief Next To Me. I love the way their voices blend, and I love the vulnerability of the lyrics. This song is open to interpretation, but it seems to allude to having feelings for another person that you didn’t ask for but can’t get rid of. Who hasn’t been there? 5. Kiasmos - Jarred The Icelandic duo is back with more incredible, chilly electronic tunes that almost sound like icicles forming or frost creeping up the inside of your window pane in the night. This song definitely makes me want to hop the next plane to Reykjavik and spend a week sipping dark liquor in some poorly lit club that only the locals know about. 6. MUTEMATH - War You know about my love of MUTEMATH by now. Their latest album goes in so many different directions musically--not just from one song to the next but within the space of a single track. This one is a banger live, and one of my favorites on the album. Lyrically, it reminds me of my own not so great tendency to get heated as I try to convince someone they’re wrong and I’m right. A good debate is healthy sometimes, but not everything needs to be a battle for the ages. “War’s in my nature,” all right. But I’m trying to find a way toward peace. 7. Cat Dealers/Groove Delight - Calabria This is just a sick dance track. I can’t claim to know all that much about Cat Dealers, although I know they hail from Rio de Janeiro and that this song makes me want to tear it up on the dancefloor or the living room or the driver’s seat of my car. Groove Delight is Brazilian as well, making me think I probably need to go to Brazil sooner rather than later to discover what other booty shaking gems I’ve been missing. 8. Converge - A Single Tear Can you believe these guys have been around for 27 years? This song encapsulates so many things I love about them, from their always insane percussion to the insistent guitar melodies to the impassioned vocals of Jacob Bannon. The lyrics (which allude to “holding you for the first time,” presumably about becoming a parent) are so sweet, a word that doesn’t probably come up in a lot of reviews of metal and hardcore songs but still, I stand by it. 9. Luna Shadows - Jesus Christ (Brand New cover) I have always loved this song, and it’s awesome to hear a young up and coming artist take it on. She really puts her own spin on this classic of the emo genre, and I look forward to hearing more original tunes from her. 10. ROMES - Someone I just saw these guys open for MUTEMATH and they have so much energy live! Canadian by way of Ireland, they bring out anthemic indie pop tunes that are just irresistible. I’m reminded a little bit of Peter Gabriel and a little bit of Bastille, but not in a derivative way. 11. Fever Ray - Red Trails Ahhhhh! Fever Ray is back!!!! It’s been way too long since we’ve heard from her, but the album that she just released online helps make up for the absence because it just kills. She still has that haunting, hypnotic voice layered on top of unexpected instrumentation and arrhythmic beats. The lyrics are mysterious and dark. There’s something sexy about it but not in a Britney Spears way. She sounds kind of dangerous but you can’t help but want to follow her wherever she’s going. 12. ABRA - Bounty Speaking of hypnotic and sexy, ABRA is definitely both. Based in Atlanta, she sounds like she’s based in another planet altogether. Her off kilter brand of R&B does not fit any category--she has this supple voice that leads us along across breathy beats and frantic counter melodies. It’s unsettling and gorgeous at the same time. 13. Tove Lo - Disco Tits Tove Lo is my ride or die. She’s unabashedly herself in all her nympho trashy glory, and I adore her for it. I promise I’m not into club drugs, but Euro pop songs about them sure are fun. I put this song on the car radio when I’m driving to work just to wake myself up and then have to make sure my phone volume is on mute before I walk into the office because “nipples are hard ready to go” is probably not appropriate lyrical content for the workplace. 14. Golden Features - Funeral Tom Stell, aka Golden Features, has sold out tours in his native country of Australia but it won’t belong before he’s selling out everywhere. This track makes me want to see him in an underground dance club at 4am. It’s fire. 15. Jessie Ware - Stay Awake, Wait For Me Another one of my faves is back! I love her upbeat songs but this is one of those instant classic pop ballads, and I had to find a spot for it on this list. It’s intimate and romantic and sexy in a grown up way. Don’t put this song on if you’re trying to be celibate, is all I’m saying. 16. Hundred Waters - Particle If you miss Imogen Heap/Frou Frou, you should most definitely be listening to Hundred Waters. Nicole Miglis has that hushed tone in her voice that belies intense feeling, and the skittering electronic elements fill the spaces in between as a sort of musical representation of anxiety and uncertainty. This song, about a romantic coupling that seems lopsided. “I’m only a particle, a drop in you, forever dissolving,” she sings. Damn.

17. The Tuts- Dump Your Boyfriend What’s not to love about this UK based garage girl group? This song describes the kind of toxic relationship that it’s easy to criticize from the outside but harder to shake when you’re the one who’s in love with an asshole. 18. Fellwarden - Sun of an Ending This kind of moody, atmospheric black metal is so soothing to me. It feels ancient and primal, like the old gods are still roaming the land slaying dragons and protecting those that live in their realm. If you’re a black metal fan, you may recognize the vocals as those of Fen frontman The Watcher. 19. Palehound - Silver Toaster On Boston-based Palehound’s second album, the writing sounds more self-assured and the songs even more personal than those on the debut. Frontwoman Ellen Kempner attributes this in part to being more comfortable in her own skin as a queer-identifying woman, and in part to being in her first healthy adult relationship. This song is short and simple, but I love the unexpected turns of phrase and imagery, like the line, “hack off my split ends.” There are plenty of bands doing the whole DIY stripped down aesthetic, but this one rises above the rest. If you were into artists like Kimya Dawson and Mary Lou Lord, you should definitely be paying attention to Palehound.

20. Kelsea Ballerini - Miss Me More Nominated for a Best New Artist Grammy earlier this year, Kelsea Ballerini hits the ground running on her latest release. She’s been writing songs since she was 12 years old and listening to Britney, Christina, and N Sync. Something about the fact that she considers Shania her biggest influence really charms me. I am obsessed with this song, which I can relate to on a very personal level. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you’ve compromised yourself for another person until you don’t have them in your life anymore and suddenly the real you starts to re-emerge. 21. The Maharajas - Too Late To Repent If you hear this song and think it must be a re-release of some little known 1960s garage rock/British Invasion group, I don’t blame you. I wondered that myself. But it turns out these Swedish dudes have only been active since the 90s, and they are still recording music that sounds like it’s from a bygone era. A little Kinks, a little Beatles, a little surf rock--it’s all here and it’s all great. 22. Margo Price - Don’t Say It This Illinois native was signed by Jack White to Third Man Records, and she recorded her debut album at Sun Studios in Memphis. Both of those things make sense upon hearing her traditional country sound. She has one of those clear, classic voices that really do harken back to the Lorettas and Patsys and Tammys. Her second album even features a duet with Willie Nelson, proving that she’s definitely earned her classic country bonafides. 23. Peaness - Skin Surfing OK, yes, initially I was drawn to this 3-piece English band because of their silly name. But once I heard the first guitar strums and vocal harmonies, I was truly done for. Formed in 2014, they have songs about everything from wasting food just because it doesn’t look aesthetically pleasing (”Ugly Veg”) to George Osborne of Brexit fame (”Oh George”). This song is very seductive while staying playful and affirming consent. I dig the occasional Veruca Salt vibes it dips into as well. 24. Dori Freeman - Ern & Zorry’s Sneakin’ Bitin’ Dog I guess an acapella song about a mean neighbor dog might be an odd choice for a playlist but it’s so adorable I couldn’t leave it out. Dori Freeman, who cites Peggy Lee and Rufus Wainwright as her major influences, hails from Virginia and her songs have an Appalachian flavor. I predict a T-Bone Burnett collaboration in her future. 25. The Blow - Summer It’s hard to believe The Blow has existed in some form for going on 20 years, but it’s true. The K Records vets continue to release hypnotic, electronic indie pop with a lo-fi feel, and this song has been stuck in my head from the first listen. It’s a simple melody but good luck escaping that hook. 26. Austra - Beyond a Mortal The Canadian dark wave is back with their third album, this time recorded in Mexico. For this particular track, singer Katie Stelmanis says she recorded the vocals over 100 times to achieve the hushed, whispery effect. The rest of the album, titled Future Politics, is a meditation on the state of the world as it is now and what we all wish it could become. 27. MGMT - Little Dark Age Finally! It’s been 5 years since MGMT’s last album, and even longer since the world sat up and took notice of them. This lead single off their upcoming album makes me think that they’re poised to re-take the synth pop throne. This song has elements of their earliest work, but it also incorporates bits of industrial and even krautrock. I listen and think Depeche Mode! Kraftwerk! Skinny Puppy! So many of my musical faves somehow distilled into a single track. I can only hope that the rest of the album lives up to this single. 28. Charlotte Gainsbourg - Ring-a-Ring O’Roses To me, there’s always been an otherworldly quality to Charlotte Gainsbourg’s voice. She took some time off from music to do some acting, notably in Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomaniac volume 1 and volume 2 and Melancholia. Those films required heavy lifting and emotional degradation, which perhaps allowed her to tap into a deeper place when recording the songs for this album, her first in seven years. The video for this song features Gainsbourg’s son, carrying on the family tradition started by Charlotte and her father Serge Gainsbourg. 29. Sun Glitters - Where the End Begins If there’s one thing I love, it’s shimmery electronic music. And Sun Glitters, who hails from Luxembourg, produces just that. Rarely does an artist’s name so aptly describe their sound, but this is one such perfect marriage. If you enjoy the likes of Gold Panda, Boards of Canada, Fennesz, Teen Daze, or Blackbird Blackbird, you will definitely dig this sound.

#playlist #2017 music #mgmt #charlotte gainsbourg #sun glitters #austra #mutemath #the drums #allie x #tove lo #fever ray #romes #the tuts

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cessanderson · 5 years ago

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Endings and Beginnings https://ift.tt/372fFGC

Even before I knew how to name it (or identify it) one of the core principles of my life was always to follow my energy. I used to say that I was a jack of all trades, or that I had a lot of hobbies, or, in wry moments, with countless projects in-progress around the house, call it “Project ADD”.

Fifteen years ago– before all of the houses and power tools– I used to take art classes, religiously. Metal casting, stained glass, painting, pottery, photography. I don’t have a passion for a specific art medium, just a desire to know how things are done, and then, when I can picture something in my head, to bring it into existence. I often don’t care what it is, or what’s involved in bringing it to life, I just get an overwhelming urge–once I can see it–to make it real.

And, truthfully, every construction project I’ve taken on, that house I built while I lived in a garage, and almost everything I’ve done on the farm is just a bigger and more complicated extension of that. Of picturing something in my head, and then bringing it into existence. Building it, planting it, tearing things down and/or cleaning them up. (Okay, fine, very very rarely cleaning things up, but you get what I’m saying.)

Everything I’ve written on this website has also been an extension of it. Once I’ve broken something down, dived into the details, and understand it from top to bottom there’s nothing I love more than to tell a story about it. To share it with everyone else. And while I know this is not the case, part of me likes to assume everyone out there is just like me and wants to know all the ins and outs of how things work, and how to take it all apart and put it back together themselves.

The internet, and the early days of blogging, provided such an amazing platform for those things, partly because nobody was doing it. There wasn’t good information out there written by, well, nerds like me. People who were just learning themselves, but passionate enough to want to dive right in, learn everything they could, and share it with everyone.

There are sixteen whole years of my life documented on this website. Even if you look back at the online world ten years ago, there wasn’t great “how to” information on the internet when it came to houses and DIY, and so everything I wrote here felt good, and useful and energizing.

A few years back I stopped writing how-to articles, mostly because all of the sudden you could find how-to’s on almost anything online (and I’m not mad about it… do you know how many parts I’ve been able to change out of my piece-of-shit ’95 farm truck because some guy made a shaky phone-cam tutorial and posted it to YouTube? ALL OF THEM. I am so grateful.)

Even after I realized the wave of useful how-to’s had caught up with me, I told stories all of the time. I believed so strongly, and still do, in the power of an authentic story. I recently went back and re-read all of the archives of this website–which, as far as existential crises go, I do not recommend re-reading 16 years of your life in one sitting– but I will say that I fucking love everything I ever wrote in 2013 (and not one of those things was a how-to). I love a lot of other things I wrote, but if there was a year between 2004 and now that I was on point with my storytelling (or maybe just genuinely delighted with my life?), that would be the one.

Recently though– and this will come as no surprise to anyone who has been checking this site, wondering what I’m up to– not so much. Which is weird because I’ve actually been writing a fair amount. Writing. Re-writing. Thinking a lot about the things I’ve written, and then never hitting the publish button.

I spent at least three weeks on this one, and I kind of love the story, but also kind of hate investing more time into a story I can’t seem to tell correctly…

Don’t even talk to me about my Drafts folder right now.

I know everyone wants to hear about the Tiny Angry Badgers. (Spoiler alert: They’re feral cats and resulted in six of the worst weeks of my life, and currently 2 of the best (since Bubs died.) I’ve had three complete emotional breakdowns over them. It has been a roller coaster.)

Here’s the thing… the fundamental parts of me that I’ve shared on this website for years have not changed. I love a challenge (I mean, people used to give me shit for drinking and using power tools, and now my hobbies have escalated into climbing mountains… alone. And even that doesn’t seem challenging enough. So.)

I love tackling projects on my own.. and increasingly feel like a crotchety old man when talking to the youths about how to do so, which I also love. (Let’s be honest, deep down I have always been a crotchety old man inside.)

I still occasionally have wicked building streaks (like all of the spring of 2019) where I have so much fun and so much energy I just can help but want to share it with the world.

I also have stories, like we all do. Stories about how I was bummed my peach trees only produced one whole peach this year (and yet how fucking delicious that one peach was… how much more I appreciated it than the years where those trees gave me ten pounds of fruit.)

Stories about how cool it is that my mom lives on a lake, just a half-mile down the road from me (how much that has increased my quality of life in general, and how good my gardens look because of it), and stories about how hard it is that my mom lives on a lake, just a half-mile down the road from me (because I’m basically a crotchety old man inside… one who doesn’t have a lot of patience sometimes, or a lot of experience navigating shared responsibilities with my mom.)

I have stories about how some of the grapevines have finally established, and stories about how (after all of that work and joy) I harvested a bowl full of grapes and then let them all go to waste in my fridge because I was too busy with work to do anything with them…

I have stories about how I feel I’m not doing right by the farm, because I spend a few of my after-hours hours at the gym instead of at home. Stories about how, at this stage in life, a career can override a lot of your passions (because let’s be honest, unless you’re very, very lucky, a career will pay for far more of your mortgage than passions.) But also stories about how my passions have been the catalyst for some of the best, strongest connections I’ve made with amazing people in my adult life, and how I struggle to make time for them. (Both the passions and the amazing people.)

I have stories about the internet which, through this website, was once one of the best and most energizing parts of me.. and now has now become one of the worst distractors from the things I love to do. I have stories about how building a non-traditional life by myself–without compromise–has been one of the best decisions of my life. And I have stories about how I’ve failed. How, because I love the life I’ve built so much, I haven’t taken chances. Stories about how living that non-traditional life has both provided unique opportunities for connecting with people, and also prevented me for connecting with people in the way people who live more traditional lives do.

I spend a lot of time every day looking for the kind of stories that used to inspire me, that I used to feel a connection with, that made me think, “hell yeah, that’s not perfect, but it’s awesome, and it makes me want to do the same.” And I don’t find them. I find a lot of people trying to be “influencers” (I have never hated a word more in my life), a lot of people who have genuine stories to tell who are more worried about the searchability of their blog posts, or the clickbait in their titles.

I mean, seriously? Screw a world in which we cannot say a true thing in a true way because if we tell an authentic story in an authentic way A SEARCH ENGINE MAY NOT FIND IT AND DISTRIBUTE IT TO THE MASSES.

I am, in general, uninspired. (And, if we’re being honest, also jealous of the kids who have found their niche building things and doing what they love on Instagram. I appreciate them, their creativity, their free spirits… but not as much as I’ve appreciated health insurance and a 401k in the past which makes me? Old and lame? Probably.)

I realize this sounds like the the end of this website. And maybe it is? Except I clearly have a lot of stories I’d still like to tell. Things I would still like to share about the farm, and my projects (when I have the time for them.) It’s just that there was time where sharing them on this website made more sense in the world, and in my life, than it does now. And, honestly, I haven’t sorted it out. I don’t even have time to sort it out. I just have time to write half-finished blog posts… to think half-finished thoughts about my current life, but not to share them. (Except this one, which I promised myself I wouldn’t sleep until I published.)

And maybe, maybe telling the truth about all of this will unlock the part of me that just can’t figure out how the hell to tell a good story right now. To share in this new world of sharing. Sometimes just saying “I don’t know” gives you permission to just speak about what you do know, or what you’re questioning, or what you think you know but will probably realize you’re wrong about later, and maybe that’s all I’m asking for.

But in any case… if it takes me a week, or a month, or a year, or ten years to tell my next good story, this sure has been an amazing ride. Not just the sharing in general, but sharing it with all of you. Thank you for being a part of my story.

Kit

#DIYdiva

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