#but yeah as a mixed race person the 'half breed' comment felt like a strong slap in the face

[amatres]

the only thing i'd criticize merrill for is her comment on feynriel, otherwise she is flawless to me ❤

[txladyj-blog]

Chapter 12 - This Time Around

A Daryl Dixon x OFC collaboration written by @xmistressmistrustx​

Rating: Explicit

Relationship: Daryl Dixon/Original Female Character

Tags: Friendship, Friends to Lovers, Awkwardness, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Crush, Fluff and Humor, Angst and Humor, Mild Smut, Strong Language, Eventual Sex, Eventual Romance, Slow Burn, Canon Divergence, Some Canon Scenes and Dialogue

Chapters 19/?

A daily routine had become commonplace for Jess in order to preserve her sanity and to prevent her from overthinking and dwelling on the lives she’d taken, the people she’d lost and the one person she couldn’t help but think of when she was alone. He angered her. Who did he think he was? How dare he still consume her thoughts. Even when he wasn’t in front of her, walking through Alexandria or sat on his front porch where he smoked or watched the world go by with baby Judith, he was still bothering her. Her mind was fraught with mixed emotions. She missed him, she hated him, she cared about him and the thing that irritated her the most, was her constant need to be near him.

She didn’t know if he had any idea who she was but his abrupt and rude treatment of her was telling enough. Even if he had a clue, he couldn’t be sure and to him, she was still the strange, quiet woman in the mask that he had very little trust in. But as with most things, time began to mend the sharp, jagged shards of the relationship between them and after three weeks, they barely uttered a word to one another unless they were forced to work together on something for Deanna. Basic conversation and one-word answers were accepted as the limit of their interaction but the more time Jess spent near him, the more she felt the raging urge to reveal who she really was.

The snappy remarks ceased but the suspicious glares continued and with each time she felt his eyes on her, she felt the rising anxiety in her chest. The same anxiety that she felt back at the quarry, fueled by her intense crush on him. That was something else that angered her; how he’d somehow managed to go to hell and back and come out better looking for it. Jess had lost weight, there was no if’s and but’s about it, but that meant little when all of the same insecurities remained. Hiding behind armor and a mask meant that although it couldn’t be seen, she still felt them like a blade to her skin.

Part of her daily routine was to clear the Walkers from around the town’s walls. Small numbers gathered, attracted to noise from the gate and the houses on the inside. Once she’d done a clean sweep, she’d pick off any animals that could be used for food. Killing Walkers was probably Jess’s forte in life now, born from endless days of working her way through a city looking for food and supplies in order to live another day. She used the wanderers in the streets as daily practice, much like she still did with the Walkers around the walls through a reluctance to become complacent. Ben provided her with her one on one, Walker killing training while the corpses gathered below, waiting for the next noise to follow were where she gained enough skill to deal with more than one at once. She’d made mistakes, almost got herself killed once or twice, dropped her weapons, been bitten and thanked the stars above that she had armor covering her forearm at the time. But through her mistakes she prevailed, improved and learned valuable lessons. The main one being to never become backed into a corner.

She flicked her Machete towards the floor, dispelling the coagulated blood from the blade. It painted a dark, crimson, dotted line in the dust as she walked over it, attaching the weapon to her belt and arming her bow. For the past week, she’d noticed the numbers of squirrels and rabbits declining. Walkers were only able to capture a certain amount due to their lumbering frames and clumsiness and so, the decreasing numbers pointed to one thing; their habitat was changing and they were not breeding as rapidly as before. That morning, she’d only seen one squirrel which had managed to escape as purely a matter of timing, it had seen her before she’d spotted it. She tilted her head back, squinting in the sun as the small animal raced across the branches and she considered that there would be no squirrel stew for at least a week at this rate. Lowering her vision, she froze when a figure emerged from the trees in her path.

Daryl lowered his crossbow, the desire to point sharp weapons or firearms at her now all but a distant memory, although her snarky attitude and standoffish responses to his necessary conversations when they were forced to work together prodded at his temper. She was infuriating, impossible but still fascinating.

She also let her bow drop and her shoulders relaxed. She continued along her path, undeterred by his presence, as she approached him, he backed up and they circled around one another with a split second of eye contact that Jess quickly put a stop to. As he turned and ambled away from her, the image of his angel winged vest consumed her with nostalgia and memories of days spent in the woods, learning from him and admiring his courage and strength. Nights sitting a top of the RV, sharing playful digs at one another and enjoying comfortable silences. Her heart lurched and she grit her teeth under her mask.

Why can’t I hate you?

“You won’t find any animals this close to the walls.” She called out to him. He stopped and she picked up on him nod, almost to himself. As if he was expecting some kind of comment. “If the Walkers don’t get them, I do and their numbers are declining.”

Daryl shifted to face her and slung his crossbow over his shoulder. The muscular terrain of his arm as it held onto the strap sent a wave of annoyance through her.

You’re stronger than this. Stop looking at him like that.

“You hunt” He grunted. An obvious statement. He knew she hunted; he knew she hunted because Deanna asked her to. But he wanted to hear it from her.

“Every morning. I’m not as good as you.” She expressed. “You’re an exceptional tracker. It’s very impressive.”

The compliment had left her lips before she’d had time to register it. Like some kind if default setting that couldn’t be changed. There was no lie in her observations, Daryl was excellent at what he did and as he was an intuitive and effective tracker, Jess’s abilities were in moving, unseen and observing. Having spent so long in the city and sharing it with thousands of Walkers, she’d become adept at slinking through the darkness and becoming nothing but a faint echo. It minimized her need to fight and allowed her to pass by some groups of survivors without them ever knowing she was there. Daryl shifted his weight from one leg to the other, his expression bemused.

“How do you know that?” He asked.

Jess shrugged, outwardly collected but inwardly raging with nerves at such a frank and spontaneous chat. She had not planned this and cursed herself for following her heart and not her head. She fiddled with the arrow in her hand, twirling the thin piece of wood between her fingers and tapping it against her thigh. When she saw his vision drop to her nervous display, she immediately ceased moving and hoped he wouldn’t remember how she used to tap her thigh when she was nervous from before.

“I’ve seen you.”

“Right. Yeah. You see everything, don’t ya?” He commented in a tone laced with disapproval.

“You’re a good tracker. I’m a good ghost.” She reasoned.

He grunted and lifted his other hand which reached up and rubbed at the back of his shoulder. Already in turmoil over what to say or not say next and in the middle of figuring out how she felt about delivering such a sudden compliment to him, she turned, sighed loudly and walked ahead.

“Thanks” He said loudly “For the compliment”

Slowly but surely, Daryl’s guard was diminishing and he was starting to believe that the masked ghost of Alexandria wasn’t actually out to hurt anyone. Logic told him that if her intentions had indeed been of malice, he would have seen some death and destruction by now and all he’d really seen was how hard she worked to maintain her end of the deal she had with Deanna. As he’d stopped making snappy remarks to her, in turn, she’d followed suit, although she was still very much an ice queen. He shook his head and half smiled when he saw her raise a hand as she walked away, gesturing to him that she’d heard him.  

An hour later and Jess’s efforts had turned up two rabbits that wouldn’t go further than feeding one household for lunch. Alexandria had its rations, tins and non-perishables that were reserved and only given out in accordance with strict distribution rules that were made to be fair and just for all. But when the town had enough meat, food went further. Dishes could be made in bulk and collected from the pantry each afternoon and Jess admittedly felt a sense of pride when she was able to bring back something as big as a buck. But it had been a long time since she’d acquired such a prize and now, with Daryl’s hunting expertise, she could only hope that he would have more luck than her. But not too much, she didn't want to be shown up, after all.

After pausing briefly to adjust to the heat, footsteps in the distance rendered her motionless, she strained to hear, turning her ear to the direction the steps echoed from. Then, the sounds of panting and panicked scuffing on the ground. She sprang to her feet, readying her bow and charging through the trees, branches whipped at her legs and torso, the result dulled by her thick, now mainly leather armor. As she drew closer, she could see a Walker staggering around in a clearing, grappling with a live human who was grunting and trying to show it away. Her mouth dropped open inside her mask when it occurred to her that she knew the person.

She raised her bow, lining up the dead man's head as a target and steadied her breathing. It had to be a good shot, not one of her lesser, slightly off target attempts. The man's clothing caught her eye. The same maintenance uniform that Ben had been wearing back at her apartment in the city. But it wasn't the time for reminiscing. She breathed out slowly, releasing the string and hearing the sickening thud of the arrow embedding itself into the side of the Walkers head. It stepped back and dropped, revealing a red-faced and breathless Carl scrambling backwards across the ground and throwing up dead leaves as he moved. Jess slowly approached him, checking on the lifeless Walker crumpled on the floor first. It was a rule of her own, always double check the bodies. She’d learned the hard way while training with her bow that while a shot my seem as though it’s worked, the arrow may not penetrate the softened skull enough to cause trauma to the brain, meaning the Walker still moves and can still get up. She looked down at the terrified boy at her feet and held out her hand.

“What are you doing outside the walls, kid?” She demanded.

“I saw a girl climb over. I was looking for her… to see if she’s OK.” He rambled as he gripped her hand and allowed her to help him to his feet. He dusted off his clothes and Jess plucked a leaf from his sheriff’s hat.

Still wearing daddy’s hat.

“Enid .” She said bluntly.

Carl startled at the sound of the girl’s name.

“Yeah, how do you-?” He started

“-She’s fine. I’ll walk you to the gate.”

Jess was performing one of her earlier clear ups of the area around the walls when she’d first noticed Enid scale the high structure and drop down the other side. It had only been a week since Jess agreed with Deanna to trial an understanding between them and in that week she’d gathered a lot of information about certain people. Enid being one of them. It was obvious the girl was traumatized and trying to work through some heavy issues, much like Jess was when she’d settled in the safety of her city apartment. She understood the need for space and so spent time keeping a watchful eye over the teenager as she found a spot in the woods and settled, needing to just…be.

It wasn’t in Jess’s plan to get caught looking out for Enid, more it was a clumsy accident when she tripped over one of her own snare traps and looked up to find the girl staring at her in horror. Jess shoved away her own embarrassment and cleared her throat.

“I get why you need to be out here sometimes.”

Was all she said and within seconds it was like an unwritten contract that passed between them. Enid could leave the town whenever she wanted and as long as she didn’t take any unnecessary risks or venture too far, Jess would watch over her.  

Carl suddenly stopped, dropping back from Jess who slowly turned her head to see him stood still with his hands in his pockets, his eyes bright and confidently trained on hers.

“You still think Dr Strange can fix all this?”

Jess’s entire body flooded with dread. Shit. He knows.

“I knew it was you on the road. I just didn’t say anything.”

An involuntary whoosh of air left her lungs and she almost buckled over. If Carl had figured it out so soon, then who else was in possession of such knowledge and keeping it to themselves? Was her entire plan blown? Would she have to come clean to everyone? To Daryl? She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, composing herself and standing back up straight.

“Who else have you told?” She questioned.

“Nobody.” He replied as he kicked dried leaves around with his sneaker.

“Keep it that way.” She ordered.

Carl surged towards her, his hands now shooting up from his pockets and into the air beside him.

“Why?! They will be so happy to see you!”

Jess flinched away, almost with disgust at a big family reunion where everyone fake smiled and pretended everything was perfect because it wasn’t perfect, it was far from it. No one missed her and she didn’t matter. She knew that much. So, what was the point in any of them knowing?

Then there was Daryl. For old times sake, for all the good times they had, she wanted him to know the truth. But a simple, overheard sentence and a lack of action to defend her reminded her that he didn’t even care about her in the first place, so why would it be any different over a year later?

“No one is happy to see me, Carl. I’ve found a way of surviving that suits me. No ties, no emotional manipulation. Just me. You need to stay out of the woods. It’s not safe. Come on.” She told him, carrying on towards the gate.

“No!” he yelled at her. “You need to tell them! You don’t know what we’ve been through, we need this. This is good news. We need good news. You’re alive. All this time we thought you were dead.” Jess stared at him in shock. Not only was he yelling at her, he was trying to make her believe that any of them cared about her enough to actually be happy she was there. “What about Daryl? He was your friend and I know he’d be happy to see you. He looked for you!”

“You don’t know anything, Carl. Not really.” She mumbled sadly.

“I’m not a kid anymore, Jess. I had to grow up pretty fast. Please, tell them who you are.” He pleaded.

“I’ll think about it. Now move before I have to knock you out and drag you back by your arm.”

Silenced by her stubbornness and flat refusal to follow his request, he stomped along behind her, dragging his feet and looking up at their surroundings every now and then for any sight of the girl he’d followed over the wall.  

���So…Enid…” He mentioned warily, hearing Jess sigh loudly. She wasn’t going to get away with offering no explanation as to how she knew her and could be so certain that she was safe enough.

“She comes out here sometimes. She’s used to being on the outside, sometimes she just needs it to keep her sane. You don’t need to follow her. I keep an eye on her.” She explained.

“You two friends?”

“No. We have this unspoken rule, that’s all.”

“Do you have any friends?” Carl continued.

Jesus, kid. Easy with the questions.

Feeling her temper fray, she told herself that Carl was inquisitive and curious, the world around him had changed at a rapid pace and humanity itself was changing, becoming worse in some areas and there was no doubt he was going to have questions about near enough everything. Right at that moment, his attention was focused solely on the dramatic change in Jess.

“I told you. I don’t have ties to anyone or anything.” She replied.

From her peripheral vision, she saw his curiosity step up to the next level as he sped up and began walking at the same pace to gain a better view of her armor and weapons. It was just Carl, but she was still self-conscious, not that she would ever show it on the outside.

“You got pretty badass.” He commented with a pursed lip and a nod. “That mask is cool. You sound totally different. What is that? Army issue or something? You have a kinda Mad Max thing going on.”

Her head slowly worked to the side and she raised an impressed eyebrow at him.

“Your dad let you watch Mad Max?” She asked.

“No” He grinned.

Jess stopped walking and looked down her nose at him. He could tell she was smiling behind her mask, his own grin staying put.

“That’s cool, I’ll take that. Thanks, Man.” She chuckled, gently punching him playfully on the shoulder. For the first time in a long time, a glimmer of the old Jess worked it’s way through her iron defenses and reveled in a moment of humor and jest with Carl. The connection to who she really was became stronger the more she observed Carl smiling brightly back at her.

“You look different. Good different.” He stated

“What are you, like a teenager now?” She queried as she slowly carried on towards the gate. He took the hint and walked by her side.

“Just turned Thirteen.”

“Thirteen, huh? No wonder you’re chasing girls through the woods.” She quipped.

“It’s-it’s not like that. I-”

“It’s a joke, Carl. Chill your beans.”

*

The rest of the morning heralded hardly any results for Jess as she slogged through the high temperatures, desperately trying to find something else she could present as food. But the area seemed to be stripped bare and she began to convince herself that if the community was to continue to thrive, it needed to widen its geographical hunting area.

As she waited by the gate for the guard to signal down, Daryl emerged from in between two derelict houses with a large deer draped over his shoulders and his crossbow swinging from one of his hands by his side. Sweat covered his arms, chest and face and she figured he’d carried it through the thick heat from some distance away.

By comparison, Jess felt about two inches tall as she waited patiently with her two rabbits hanging on string from her grip. Humiliation flooded through her and she let out a long and seething breath while Daryl stood next to her and squinted at the argument that ensued behind the gate, where man and woman were shamelessly debating who’s turn it was to be on the gate while the two hunters lingered on the other side.

Jess attempted to throw a casual glance Daryl’s way. To be able to see her past the hulking deer across his broad shoulders he had to turn his torso.

“Nice white tail.” She commented in an attempt to brush off her embarrassment at her feeble prize.

“Thanks” He remarked in reply. “Nice cotton tails”

Behind her mask, Jess smiled.

Asshole.

Daryl sucked both lips into his mouth, stifling a smirk and turning his body to face the gate again. As the couple behind the barrier began to escalate their fight, Jess and Daryl stood side by side. The need to explain herself was overwhelming. She presented herself as capable and smart and now, he was going to think that she’d spent all morning hunting and only turned up with two small game. It was true, but she didn’t want him to think that.

“I had a bad morning.” She said quietly.

“OK” he nodded, now failing to hide his smile which Jess had picked up on when from the corner of her eye when he swayed slightly with the deer, revealing a decent view of his face. She heard the gate lock release and strode forwards, slipping through the gap on the way to the pantry and making sure she put a decent distance in between them before she let herself chuckle quietly at the situation.

That’s the last time I compliment his tracking skills.

* *

Deanna’s first house meeting with the new group was organized with the main point on the agenda being to find out how everyone was settling in after almost three weeks in their new homes. She asked for updates with all of their jobs, ideas to improve the town and revised the security detail after Rick pointed out that an unmanned rifle up in the watchtower was going to do diddly squat to deter any potentially hostile groups of survivors.

Jess usually didn’t bother with Deanna’s meetings. Preferring to hang around until they finished and take the chance to catch up with the town’s leader on a one to one basis. A weekly report was all Deanna asked of her. Walker numbers around the community, any sightings of live people they should be concerned about, hunting success or lack thereof. Then, Jess would bid her farewell and go back to her daily routine which, after her morning perimeter walks and hunting was mainly hers to do with as she pleased. Most of her time was spent at her fairground home, which she used as her haven away from the world. She’d worked hard on it and over the weeks it had become more than comfortable, it was cozy and she couldn’t think of a single reason why she would ever want to leave it.

As she hopped up the steps of Deanna’s front porch, she picked fur and dried blood from her gloves, so engrossed in her task that she failed to notice the room full of people she casually walked into when she entered the living room. Her eyes slowly rose from her gloves to the many shoes and boots in front of her. Then, up to the 13 or so strong group that filled the room. The quiet was deafening and if she wasn’t wearing a hood and mask, her alarm would have been all the more evident.

“Ah. Parker! Please come in. We were just discussing how everyone was settling in” Deanna cried enthusiastically. “Won’t you sit?”

“Right. No. I’m good here.” Jess quickly dismissed, backing up to the nearest wall and using it for support.  

“Would you like to tell everyone what your role is here?”

Not really.

“Um… I keep the perimeter clear of Walkers. I don’t live here. I have my own land at a Fairground around ten minutes’ walk from here and you’d all do well to keep your distance. I shoot anyone that steps foot past my fences without permission. There are traps, snares and explosives around my home. So, you stay on your side, and I’ll stay on mine.”

Blank faces peered back at her from around the room, all but Carl who was grinning from ear to ear. Jess avoided his gaze as best she could, knowing that his beaming face would shatter her thin composure. Jess saw Abraham let out a quiet chuckle and shake his head. He leaned over to the woman beside him, Rosita and whispered into her ear. Hardly a lip-reading genius, Jess was still sure she witnessed him say ‘She’s a firecracker.” Rosita who couldn’t have looked more unimpressed shot him a death glare before rolling her eyes.

“That wasn’t quite the explanation I had in mind but, thank you.” Deanna said awkwardly.

At the back of the room, Aaron smirked and Eric nudged him in the ribs. They were used to Jess’s blunt and bossy attitude more than most after having spent more time with her than anyone else. But the fact that she was softer and more relaxed with them behind closed doors was not lost on them. They considered it a privilege, even if she was still a huge mystery to them.  

Almost forgetting the reason she’d turned up at the house in the first place, Jess stepped forwards and summoned up the courage to speak before lifting a hand and making sure her mask was securely in place.

“I have a request.” She announced at Deanna, who nodded graciously and allowed her to continue. “My truck is broken and I need to travel further outside of the safe zone in order to hunt and bring back more food. The numbers of animals around here is dwindling, the Walkers are getting some of them but it seems the others just aren’t breeding. I’d like to suggest the building of pens and cages to house animals that can be bred.”

“That’s a good idea.” Rick added, “We need to think long term. We just need more land.” Carol nodded in agreement from his side on the couch and scribbled something down in a notebook she was holding.

“Deanna, could we maybe move the walls further out somehow?” Aaron offered.

Deanna studied the faces of everyone that had spoken, her mind ticking over so obviously that no one else dared to interrupt. Jess was pleased at the reaction to her idea, initially thinking it would be ignored or brushed to the side like she always used to be. Back before the turn.

“It’s possible. But it will take a lot of work and the risks of the danger outside during the process are great.” Deanna explained.

“We can help. Build temporary pens for now. In fact, I’ll oversee it.” Rick offered.

“Me too.” Abraham agreed.

Jess noticed more and more people nodding, willing to lend a hand. Deanna’s eyes fixed on her.

“Parker, you know the rules-”

“-Oh, don’t give me that, Deanna. I’ll be fine.” Jess scoffed to the surprise of everyone else. Her attitude towards Deanna was always respectful, but bordering on exasperated due to having to follow so many rules and regulations. She admired her as a leader, how she had this grand vision of how she wanted the community to be, how they would become totally self-sustainable and completely protected. It was all castles in the sky to Jess, but she had to give her credit for her dream.

“We do not allow anyone to venture outside of the safe zone surrounding this town on their own. Every time we have in the past, we’ve lost someone.” Deanna reminded her.

“Yeah, well I’m not just ‘anyone’. I lived out there alone for a long time. You can make an exception to this rule.” Jess argued.

Alexandria’s rules grated on Jess at first. She’d refused to give up her bow and Deanna let it slide, reasoning that as she looked after their security, she needed it. But Jess was expected to abide by the geographical boundaries established by Deanna and her late husband. She believed they kept people safe and out of the sights of any dangerous, rival groups. It also meant that deaths by Walkers were kept to a minimum and anyone that wanted to cross the boundaries was required to do so in the company of another person, disclose fully the position on the map they would occupy and a time frame for their trip. Like everyone else, Deanna was tired of losing people and felt each death like it was personal to her. So, the rules were upheld and it was something she was not going to budge on.

“Parker, you are an exception to a lot of our rules, you know that. I allow you to come and go as you please with that bow and that blade and I say nothing. But I can’t sway on this one. You have become too valuable to this community. We can’t lose you.”

Jess huffed and shook her head, painfully away from the room of eyes all pointed at her.

“You can go and I will agree for you to take one of the trucks. But you will take someone else with you.”

“For god sakes.” Jess complained under her breath. “You know I can-”

“-I’ll go.” Daryl interrupted from the window ledge. Until that point, Jess wasn’t even aware he was in the room. He’d said nothing and simply observed as things unfolded around him. Until something piqued his interest.

“Mr. Dixon, that is kind of you.” Deanna smiled.

“Seriously?” Jess sighed. “I don’t need a fucking babysitter.”

“Language, please, Parker.” Deanna scolded.

“I know this terrain. We go out, get some animals. Get it done. Sooner the better, seasons changin’.” Daryl expressed

“Then you have my approval. The two of you can take one of the large trucks from the street. You’ll have to rig it up with straps and cages, or any animals you catch will be battered to death by the time you get back. Take the appropriate weapons from Olivia in the armory and please give me a rough idea of when you intend to return.”

“Jesus” Jess hissed under her breath.

What have I got myself into?!

Daryl got up from the windowsill and caught Rick’s eye. Jess could hear a quiet conversation about what animals they were likely to find and be able to trap and how much space would be needed while everyone else in the room began to converse amongst themselves before gradually filtering out of the room.

Jess found herself stalking across the street, put out by Daryl’s intervention and having to accept that she would be spending at least an entire day with him if not longer. It meant she would not be able to remove her mask or hood for the duration of the trip and conversation would be kept basic.

She recoiled and whirled around when someone tugged at the leather bracer on one of her forearms. Carl was standing before her, his hands up and open, signaling he hadn’t anticipated such a strong reaction.

“Sorry” He apologized.

“It’s fine. What do you want?” She snapped. He moved closer to her, taking a brief glimpse over both shoulders to make sure the group were a safe distance away. They were now filtering back towards their homes and duties.

“Why didn’t you tell them? That was the perfect opportunity.” He wanted to know.

Frustration welled in her chest and for a moment she turned her body away, needed to compose herself so she didn’t explode at the kid in the middle of the street. The sun beat down on his tatty sheriffs’ hat and his big eyes pleaded with her. It was tempting and that was what was starting to get to her.

“I never agreed to tell them in the first place. Let it go, Carl.” She retorted, stepping away from him. He moved to the side, blocking her path and challenging her, she blinked at him in disbelief.

“At least tell Daryl when you go to get the animals. You’ll be alone with him. It’s perfect.”

Jess leaned down to him, inches from his face and jabbed a finger at his chest.

“No, Carl.” She growled.

Carl, undeterred by her resistance and even more determined than ever, noticed Daryl approach from behind her and deliberately raised his voice.

“Just tell Daryl!” He cried.

“Tell me what?” Daryl’s voice from behind her almost pushed her off the edge. Now clinging to the last threads of her temper, she grit her teeth and stepped back with both of them in her view.

“Uh…That you’re gonna have to keep up so I can keep an eye on you.” She lied.

Daryl looked confused for a moment as a memory hit him out of the blue. He was in the woods with Jess, back at the Quarry, teaching her how to survive. He’d used the exact same phrase. He shook his head, trying to shake away the longing he still felt for her sometimes. Longing for a conversation with her again, for her understanding of who he was, for her tuneful giggle at his attempt at humor. He hated thinking about her now, it only brought sadness and regret. He wished he didn’t think about her at all. But he did. Every single day.

“Ain't no danger of that.” He corrected, pushing away his thoughts of before. “Deanna gave me this.” He held up a map. “Should talk about where we’re gonna hit.”

Carl nudged Jess in the arm and shot her wink before he walked away. Daryl caught the small gesture but paid it no mind, It had come to his attention that she was more willing to talk to everyone else than she was to him. Abraham seemed to happily receive any humorous remarks she made, Carl apparently had some kind of private joke with her, Aaron and Eric’s house was where she slept some nights and Deanna was the only one that could order her around and get away with it.

“OK. Fine. I’ll meet you on your front porch in ten minutes.” She told him. She hadn’t even realized that her legs were already taking her in the opposite direction. A subconscious reaction that meant she needed to put some distance in between them even just for a few minutes before she had to resume the pretense that she didn’t know him from Adam and that she wasn’t altogether maddened by his volunteering to be a part of her mission. If she was honest with herself, the flicker of excitement in the pit of her stomach refused to simmer down and she knew she would be forced to sit with the conflict through the entire trip.

 - - - - - - - - 

Daryl spent more time on the front porch than inside the house and he spent more time outside in the woods than inside with the community. Always an outcast wherever he was. He frequently sought solace in being alone, something he’d been more than comfortable with since he was a child.

Some nights consisted of carving bolts and sharpening his hunting knives, readying himself for the next hunt. Others were less intentional and a pack of smokes and a shallow tumbler of hard liquor was the only thing he had to occupy himself. In the early evenings, he’d sit with Judith on his lap and read to her. A past time he’d grown fond of and didn’t expect to enjoy as much as he did. Try as he might, he couldn’t understand why Judith appeared to fall into a fascinated silence as soon as he opened the book, but it was the one part of the day that Carol, Carl and Rick got to pass her onto her ‘Uncle Daryl’ and wait until she fell asleep.

He scoffed at the title when Carol first coined it. He never gave a thought to being an uncle at any point in his life, figuring that Merle was more likely to conceive a life sentence over a child. But his close friendship with Rick led to him gaining a new brother and in turn, a family he was ferociously protective over.

Upon leaving Carl and Parker in the street, he settled in his usual seat on the porch and smoked a cigarette while he waited. Through the gaps in the houses opposite he could see her, the flash of the machete blade shining in the sun's rays as she paced slowly back and forth. Her hand jabbed at her thigh as she wandered, an obvious stress reaction. Her head was low, her face obscured as always. He had so many questions. Some, he may never ask. The main one playing on his mind as he watched her ritualistic pacing; why are you so nervous?

When she arrived, Jess raised a hand in greeting to Daryl as she climbed the steps and pulled out the chair across the table from him, placing her bow against the house beside her. She settled down and got to the task in hand by scanning the map that was open on the table between them. Her eyes threatened to lift to his face more than once, but she resisted, knowing that their icy blueness would only scatter her thoughts and risk exposure.

“Said you know the terrain.” She mentioned. “How well?”

“Pretty well.” He replied, leaning forward in his seat and placing a finger on a dark area of the map. Dense woodland surrounded by fields. “Right here is the best chance we got. These patches of land are farms. We should check ‘em for chickens, goats and sheep.”

“Been a while since the turn, chances of them being alive are slim.” Jess considered.

“Never know. Some of ‘em mighta got out, be runnin’ around in the woods. Only problem is, there’s small towns on either side. The people, they probably ran outta the towns-”

“-Thinking they’d be safer in the woods. Meaning Walkers followed them.”

she concluded.

“Exactly. Gonna have to be smart ‘bout this.”

“Tomorrow morning? Sunrise?” She proposed boldly as she rose from her seat and collected her bow. He nodded and ficked a hand carelessly in the direction of the gate.

“Meet ya outside.”

Deciding not to say anything else or bid him a polite farewell, she quickly left the porch and set off for the gate, needing to get back to her own personal space and think about what the next day might bring.

- - - - - 

Furniture that Aaron helped scavenge, rugs, an actual bed with a fur blanket and certain working machines in her diner of a settlement made the whole place more a home and less of a temporary shelter. Candles in holders screwed to the walls were her source of just enough light not to draw attention through the boards on the windows from the outside.

She pulled her hood and mask off and lay on her front on the bed. Reaching under the pillow, she retrieved her journal, which she had not used since arriving in the city all alone. Aside from not feeling the need to write and having the luxury of telling Ben everything, she felt that the book itself had done nothing but cause her pain. It was a black and white piece of evidence that testified to how she really felt. All her innermost demons, insecurities and fears. She did still fear. But rather than fearing the dead, or the evil that humans could do, the thing she feared most was herself. She knew who she really was, but she had lost so much of it over the last year she wondered if it would disappear altogether. She opened the cover to find one of the pens Daryl had found for her and twisted it around in her fingers before setting it to the paper and beginning to write.

Being in such close proximity to him without him knowing it’s me is so strange. It’s terrifying me. I feel a need to watch over him. I still care about him and I hate myself for it, because I meant nothing to him. I guess that’s always been a flaw of mine. Caring about people that wouldn’t lend me a dime. He infuriates me. I get so angry when I’m around him but when I’m not, it’s like I need to see him. I’m drawn to him. I don’t know why.

Maybe I should just tell him. Just try. Maybe things will have changed. We’ve both changed after all.  I just can't risk getting hurt again. I can't take it.

She slammed the journal shut and heaved herself up from the bed, crossing the room and catching sight of herself in a full-length mirror on the wall. She was a lot thinner, having lost over half of what she weighed when she reached the city. At first, she didn’t even notice it dropping off. But then her pants were too big and she found she could train for longer and longer. First, it was through lack of food but then though exercise and months of rigorous training while she molded herself into a survivor and shed her identity. She knew she looked totally different, the only thing remaining the same being her eyes and facial features. Even her voice was different with her mask on. On the outside, it looks like she had washed off every ounce of her individuality and became nothing but a shadow. A shadow with only one name.

- - - - - 

The next morning brought with it more blazing sunshine and suffocating hot temperatures. The drive was long and quiet with only a few words exchanged. Jess felt more emotionally vulnerable than ever, finding herself constantly looking at Daryl as he drove. Half way through the journey, she slid some sunglasses on in the hope that it would hide her obsession with him and avoid any awkward questions.

He didn’t look any different. The same leather vest, ripped jeans and laces tied around his ankles. That same, red bandana he always had in his back pocket. The same gruff and indifferent attitude. All the same things about him she liked before. She still liked them now.

Upon arrival at the first farm, Jess couldn’t believe her eyes when she entered the barn, bow poised and expecting a huge shed full of Walkers or people waiting to take her down. But instead, she found four sheep and a pen full of chickens. They were skinny, malnourished and in need of medical attention but she couldn’t help but laugh from the doorway, unable to believe her luck. It was looking like her long and awkward trip with Daryl would be cut short sooner rather than later.

Daryl appeared at her side, also lowering his crossbow when he realized there was no threat.

“Well this was easy.” He commented.

“I was thinking the exact same thing. How the hell did they survive in here for so long?”

Daryl’s eyes scanned the inside of the barn, stopping on the large, metal tanks mounted on the walls in the pens.

“Those” He said, pointing to them. “Fill ‘em with animal feed, set a timer to go off each day. Got a drip feed ya aint gotta touch ‘til it runs out. They got their water tanks too.”

“For all that time? Since the turn?” She asked.

“Naw. There are a couple bodies in the house. Look like they only been dead a month or so. Don’t think these guys were actually alone for that long.” He expressed.

The two bodies in the house were without a doubt the owners of the property, both heads blown off and both sets of hands clutching family photographs taken outside the very barn that Jess and Daryl stood in.

“Good, it means we can fix them up and hopefully they’ll breed.” She said as she wandered inside and started unravelling a length of rope from a hook on the wall.

“I’mma go hunt, see if I can take somethin’ decent back.”

Far from wanting to argue, Jess figured she would just have to move the animals alone and hook them up inside the truck herself. The sheep would be easy enough, the chickens were going to be the main problem. But asking for his help was the last thing she wanted to do.

“Be back in two hours, I wanna get these animals to Alexandria as soon as possible.”

“Alright.” He grunted, disappearing from sight.

It took Jess almost the full two hours just to chase the chickens around the pen alone. With one particularly spritely hen causing absolute chaos when she refused to let Jess grab a hold of her. She cawed and screamed as loud as her lungs would let her and when Jess finally managed to capture her by throwing her jacket over her, she considered wringing her neck.

“Your name is Sarah. You hear me?” She spat as she carried the troublesome chicken to the truck and tossed it inside.

She slammed the door and leaned her back against the cool metal, catching her breath and letting the breeze blow through her hood. It was times like this when her clothing and survival wear proved to be impractical. But it was rare and not enough to make her want to wander around in a sleeveless vest like Daryl.

Her eyes moved over to the farmhouse, the door still swinging open from where Daryl had scoped it out upon their arrival. She straightened up and headed inside to search for anything else useful.

- - - - - 

It was another half an hour before Daryl returned with a sash full of squirrels and two rabbits hanging from his belt. Not huge kills by any stretch of the imagination, but meat none the less and Jess figured Alexandria would be OK for a while at least. His timekeeping left a little something to be desired.

“You’re late.” She complained.

“Yes I am.” He proclaimed to the rolling eyes of the masked woman sat in the driver’s seat. She’d decided that she was the one that was going to drive them home and he was not about to argue.

Half an hour into the journey and Daryl had taken a ten-minute power nap followed by lighting a cigarette and winding the window down. Jess was surprised he’d even had the courtesy to do that, seeing as he’d thrown the dead animals he’d hunted into the footwell and left them there. They were beginning to smell and Jess wrinkled her nose under her mask.

“You have a group, before this?” She heard him ask through the noise of the trees that darted past beyond the open window. She hadn’t, for one second anticipated that he might ask about her past and panic began to thunder through her. Her mind raced and she knew she had to calm down and proceed with extreme caution.

“Yes.” She replied.

“They gone?”

“I don’t know.”

“You lost anybody?” His question was louder after the window was rolled back up and it struck Jess as an odd topic of conversation. She figured he might be testing her, to see how much she would disclose. Everyone had lost someone in some way or another, it seemed like an obvious question to ask. But Jess knew Daryl and if he wanted to know something, it sometimes took him a while to actually say it.

He’s curious about me.

“My family. You?”

He nodded and nibbled on his lower lip. She remembered how he did it a lot at the quarry when he was trying to express himself and was finding it difficult to get the words out.

I know you, Dixon.

“My brother...” He mumbled.

Jess’s heart sank. Merle. Maybe he didn’t find him after he left the city. She hoped that he was alive and that Daryl just wasn’t aware of it. She hoped he was with some other group, annoying the hell out of them and offending all of their women.

“...Couple friends n’ a girl I used to know from the first camp we were in.”

Jess was biting her tongue. It was all she could do to stop herself from bursting into tears. Her stomach was churning and she felt nauseous. On the outside, she battled to keep her face straight and her eyes fixed on the road but the truth was, a herd of elephants could have charged at the truck and she wouldn’t have noticed.

He’s talking about me.

She sucked in a quiet breath, filling her lungs and trying to clear her head so she could find the strength to reply.

“A girl, huh?” Her voice sounded slightly shakier than she’d intended, but Daryl didn’t seem to notice.

“Not like that. She was a friend.” He grumbled.

“Oh.” Jess responded as unphased as possible. “I’m sorry.”

Half of her meant it, she really was sorry. Sorry for leaving like she did with no goodbye. But the other half was lying, she wasn’t sorry at all after what she’d heard and all the times she was left to deal with the aftermath of being belittled and humiliated by herself. Daryl said nothing else for the rest of the drive and dutifully helped Jess unload the animals from the truck upon their arrival back at Alexandria. The makeshift pens were just about finished after Abraham, Glenn and Rick worked on them all day. Children poured out of their houses wanting to see the new additions and Jess stood by the open door of the truck and watched the scene. She hadn’t seen so many people smile in a very, very long time.

- - - - - 

That night, after dinner and a shower at Aaron’s place, Jess hooked her bow over her head and headed for Deanna’s place to drop the trucks keys off. As she passed Daryl sitting on the porch with Judith, she doubled back, changing her mind and striding over to the truck. She unlocked it, delved behind the front seat and retrieved what she was looking for.

The dim glow of the porch light above them cast an angelic halo around Judith’s bright, golden hair and the soft, raspy tone of Daryl’s voice lured her closer still when she stopped on the path. She knew the story, a dog was the protagonist and Daryl was adding parts to the story that were not printed in the book. She smiled at the thought of him reading Children’s stories, Dixon style to the amazed child sitting on his lap. He still hadn’t seen her, nor did Judith know she was there and she realized she was once again torn and battling an internal war, she didn’t know if she was doing the right thing. Seconds from turning on her heels and fleeing into the night, Daryl looked up and clocked her presence.

“You need somethin’?”  

“Uh, no” She stammered.

This is a dumb idea. Turn around, you idiot.

“When you were hunting today, I checked the farmhouse for anything useful. I found this. Thought she could use it. I had the same one when I was a kid.”

She brought her hand around her body where she'd been hiding a children’s book behind her back. She slowly took the steps and held it out to him, horrified when at first he just stared at it, then back up at her until he finally took it from her grasp. Judith squealed and sprayed her tiny fingers out, pulling the book towards her and playing with the thick pages.

Daryl looked completely and undoubtedly confused. He shifted Judith on his lap and narrowed his eyes at Jess. Feeling as though her cover was being majorly blown by her gesture and that such a thing would never be done by a masked assassin who lived in the woods and was capable of murdering a compound full of people at Terminus, she frantically thought of a way to throw him off.

“Is she yours?” She asked.

“Naw. She’s Ricks.” He replied in his gravelly tone.

“You read to her some nights.” She mentioned.

“Yeah. She likes this book about the dog. It’s her favorite.”

Judith was now happily pawing at her new book but Daryl’s attention hadn’t left Jess, who was now struggling not to tap at her leg.

“She seems to like you.” She pointed out.

Daryl finally looked down at Judith, who raised her head and flashed him a wide, toothless smile.

“She’s a good kid.” He mumbled.

As he said the words, Judith snuggled against his chest and Jess almost collapsed at the adorable sight. This man was not the kind of man she would have expected to be so good with a child. She always knew he had a sensitive side and that he had a hidden, selfless trait that was as strong as it was admirable. But seeing him with a happy little girl, reading her stories and making a regular thing of it to boot, simply astounded Jess. He may have broken her heart, but deep down, she knew he was the best kind of person.

“I’ll leave you alone.” She whispered.

She turned and adjusted her bow as she began to cross the grass.

“Parker.” She heard from behind her. She halted, her body humming with anticipation. She was no psychic but her gut was telling her he was about to say something significant. She looked over her shoulder.

“You remind me of somebody.” He told her.

It was on the tip of her tongue.

It’s me, Jess.

“Is that a compliment?” She asked instead.

“Yeah, it is. And thanks.” He held the book up with one of Judith’s hands still clutching the edges of the pages. Jess gave him a polite nod and resumed walking, getting faster and faster until she reached Deanna’s, dropped the key into the mailbox and ran for the gate.

- - - - - 

Maybe I was wrong about him. He’s not a bad person. Maybe he just said a bad thing. Maybe he just didn’t know how to defend me, or if he even should have done. I don’t know. I want to believe these things are true and the man I saw today is the real Daryl. But I can’t forget. I can’t forget what I heard. All the times I was alone and I needed him.

I don’t need anyone now. But I do want some closure. I owe it to myself to find out the truth, to find out his side of the story. So, one way or another, I can move on. I have to tell him who I really am.

NEXT CHAPTER

--- tagging as requested ---

@lilred254​