#but yeah! see ya next month u_u

[daemonshot-blog]

hiatus until the end of school!

i never made it official but i’ve been so. so sick. and combined with the fact i have to do school work? take four exams after not being in school for months? can i get a mcfucking uhhhhhhh but yeah! i’ll still be lurking, just MAYBE NOT WRITING! i still love prompto though, my limp noodle of a son, but writing rn isn’t my ... friend. aw heckie.

[who-talks-first]

The Torture of Small Talk With Someone You Used to Love

(or T’es la Plus Belle Saison de Ma Vie)

I haven't written a poe x reader stand-alone in... Two years? Y'all be gentle with me.

I was singing "Fourth of July" by Fall Out Boy, then over the course of a shower I had completely composed this in my head, including all the dialogue. Stuff kept happening, so I didn't get to my phone until later, but by then, I had forgotten a whole bunch of the original dialogue. U_U

I kept true to my original inspiration, but it doesn't have the same flow as it did in my head under the spray, lol. I'm sorry it got so dialogue heavy. Poe and Reader just had so much to get off their chests!

You don't have to listen to the song, but it really sets the mood, and you can understand my inspiration.

Rated Older Teen for suggestive dialogue and some swearing. Content warning for references to past consensual sex between two minors (nothing explicit, just mentioning in case that squicks you!).

Around 2700 words. Drama, angst, romance, a tiny pinch of fluff. A whole assload of made up stuff that wasn't necessary for the story but created some atmosphere and legitimacy.

Set a few months after The Last Jedi during the Resistance's struggle to recover.

My A/N are almost as long as the actual story. I suck lol. Again, please be gentle; I'm so rusty. But please enjoy. I'm proud of this. I feel it's very romantic and engaging. I hope you agree. Thanks so much, guys! Love ya!

The skyrockets burst in colorful blossoms across the jet-black sky, hundreds of revelers dancing and singing below. They were celebrating the summer solstice on the planet you now found yourself on, the name of which you had already forgotten before you arrived; another stop on the endless quest for support as the Resistance dangled by a thread.

You and Poe Dameron, your partner on this mission - and four of the last six identical ones - were awaiting the arrival of your liason, someone close to the monarchy of... Here... who promised backchannel support of the struggling Resistance. The contact was delayed by a minor catastrophe regarding the celebration, so the two of you decided to rest for the evening and enjoy the view.

Sitting side by side on the soft, green grass on the side of a hill overlooking the reverie, you sat in silence, tuning in and out of the joyous cacophony as you watched the elaborate skyrocket display.

You felt the question before he asked it.

"Remember the summer festivals back home?" said Poe, softly breaking the silence, his voice wistful.

"Yep."

"Do you remember - " 

"Every detail," you said, swallowing and solemnly fixing your eyes on him.

Bright colors illuminated the side of his face, sparkling in his eyes, softly reflecting on the curls that still shone; the last eight months had taken their toll on the once youthful face of the boy you grew up with.

He cracked a half-grin, his eyes, soft and warm, taking you in.

You knew what he was thinking. You were thinking about it too, but in a completely different way.

You blinked and those brown eyes, exactly as they are now, save for the weary lines at the corners, were those of your first love, your best friend growing up, a vibrant boy of sixteen, looking at you like you were a celestial being personified in a red-cheeked, loud-mouthed spitfire of fifteen, a completely different display of skyrockets sparkling in his eyes.

You felt the deep ache in your chest that you felt every time you remembered that period of your lives, particularly that one night. You felt the damp grass on your back, the tenderness and reverence in Poe's touch, the weight of his body, and that beautiful trembling fear of what you were doing among the ruins, at the edge of the jungle, in the dark.

You closed your eyes and turned away from him, unable to stand the pain and bitterness.

"It was something wonderful between us, wasn't it, baby?" Poe asked, the smile in his voice unmistakable.

You sighed. Even his pet name for you, given long before your romantic relationship, hurt to hear. You don't remember exactly what you were crying about, crouched in the sand behind the primary school, but you remember the sound of eight-year-old Poe's voice as he said, "Hey, little baby, why are you crying?" How someone could be both derisive and so concerned at the same time baffled you. But the nickname stuck for the next twenty-five or so years.

You couldn't help the bitterness in your voice when you said, "It wasn't just teenage love and lust between us then."

He looked at you quizzically, his brow furrowed.

"We had hope, youthful hubris, an ambitious naiveté that makes you think that you can do anything," you concluded, vaguely gesturing with your hand.

Poe was silent for a long moment, regarding your statement, your face, the painful tension in the air between you.

When he spoke, you weren't sure you had ever heard his voice so soft, so fearful. He swallowed. 

"And now? What's between us now?"

The expanse of the entire galaxy, you wanted to say. Ten years of worry and resentment. Nostalgia for a moment in time that can never be replaced or recreated. A war.

But you knew that's not what he was asking. What still remained of what was once between you?

You took a moment to contemplate your answer. You wanted to be honest without hurting Poe. There really wasn't much left at all.

"Nothing that matters," you said, turning away from him. You couldn't help the spite in your tone as you added, "Not that it ever did."

You felt Poe's breathing still beside you for a long, agonizing beat. He rose wordlessly and shuffled down the hill in the dark, hands in his pockets.

You sighed, smacking your forehead in your palms. You got up, stretching your legs to regain circulation, and followed him.

"Poe," you called softly. "Poe, I'm sorry. I fucked up."

You found him in a low place between the hills, in a little copse of trees and taller grass. The skyrocket display was still visible, but the sounds of the celebration were muffled by the hillside.

Poe's back was to you, one hand in his jacket pocket, one pressed to his face.

"I shouldn't have said that," you said, dropping your arms to your sides, audibly so that Poe could hear your gesture.

He raked his fingers roughly through his hair, mussing the almost-coifed curls more into their natural shape, as he turned to face you. You weren't prepared for how sad he looked.

"Say it again," said Poe, taking a challenging step towards where you stood a bit above him on the hillside. "Say we never mattered."

"I didn't mean it like that," you groaned.

"Then how - " he started, his voice cracking ever so slightly, " - how did you mean it?"

The Poe a few steps below you was so different from the one you sat beside not ten minutes before. The bright colors in the sky only served to contrast his bleak affect. There was his age. There was the war-weary soldier. He looked like you had felt for the last year.

"It doesn't matter because..." you began, trailing off. "Nothing matters anymore. It's only this mission, and then the next, then the next." 

"What do you mean?" asked Poe, confusion blending into the pain on his face.

You swallowed, wondering when it got so stuffy out here.

"It doesn't matter if I love you or hate you, if we're friends or anything else. It doesn't matter how abandoned I still feel. Because there is no 'us' as lovers. The only 'us' is the Resistance. And we can only keep fighting until we're worn down to nothing. There's nothing else."

All the other mixed emotions melted from Poe's face as he shifted his weight around, slowly replaced with understanding. He let out a quiet, mirthless laugh.

"You really have lost all hope, huh?" he finally said, looking up at you.

"It's exhausting. Constant planet skipping, begging for help. The First Order's brutality and resilience. Leia's health. The losses, Poe!"

"Don't think for a second that I don't feel those losses!" he said, probably sharper than he meant to, raising his hand to point at you.

"You feel them more than most of us, Poe," you sighed. "That's my point. There's nothing left for us but more and more loss."

You hoped he couldn't hear the tears threatening to break through.

Poe forced an unconvincing smile.

"Leia says - "

"I don't give a damn about the sun, Poe!" you yelled, mentally recoiling at the thought of the saccharine metaphor you knew was on the tip of his tongue. "Don't you feed me that line, not after what Holdo did to us, how she died. Don't you dare say it!"

"We've already made it through the night, though, baby," said Poe softly, taking a cautious step towards you. "Crait was midnight. The sun is on the horizon now, don't you see?" 

You shook your head. "All I see now is darkness."

"Even when you look at me?"

You could only shrug at that. There weren't enough data cards in the galaxy to list what you saw in him.

Poe scoffed.

"No hope, huh? So when Rey's face appeared through those rocks, saving us from certain death, you didn't feel hope burning like the sun?" he asked, miming the rocks moving. "When those rocks parted, I wanted to run over, grab her, and kiss her. I was so grateful."

"Finn did it for you," you said, managing a small smile.

"Yeah," said Poe. "His gratitude was more for her safety than for the salvation of the Resistance. But I don't hold that against him. It's always been about Rey for Finn. You get that, right?"

Tiny sparkles of pink and green appeared between you and the trees, and you realized that Poe was staring at you, waiting for you to speak.

"Yeah, I guess," you finally said, shrugging.

"And you can't see why I had to join the navy?" he said, holding one hand up, indicating a point you couldn't see.

"Because you're good and will always fight for the light," you said simply. 

"You're as dumb now as you were back then, baby. That's always a huge part of it, fighting for the light. But making the galaxy a safe, beautiful place for you was always in the front of my mind. When I saw what the First Order was doing, I was furious. Furious at their cruelty, for their principles, for endangering the life I had planned for us," said Poe, forcefully.

"Us?" you repeated, confused.

"I had to go with Leia to make sure that there would be an end, a peace for us to live," he said, moving closer to you. "For things to go back to the way they were."

"I... I didn't..." you mumbled, shaking your head.

"So three years of promising you everything? Talking about where we would live, how many kids we'd have, what we wanted to spend the rest of our lives doing? That's just...?" said Poe, trailing off as he gestured vaguely.

You regained your composure, and your bitterness. Your hands found your hips.

"I let that all fade with my juvenile concept of love. I knew we'd never be together again. I often wondered if I would ever even see you again," you snapped. "When you joined the navy, I saw that as the end of us."

Poe sighed, hanging his head, his fingers moving to his brow.

"I didn't realize you felt that way, baby," he whispered.

"Yeah? Well, when was the last time we even talked to one another?" you said, trying not to shout.

"We talk all the time," said Poe, defensively.

"Not about personal stuff. We talk about missions and plans and people and ships and Leia. When was the last time we talked?" you repeated. 

Poe sighed again.

"We caught up when we joined the Resistance, but before that... My graduation?" he admitted tentatively.

You nodded, feeling the tears prick your eyes now.

"You tried to keep me up to date with your life in the navy," you said shakily. "But by the second year, the messages stopped coming and I saw that as a message itself. You'd moved on with your life." 

"Aw, baby," said Poe, his body language betraying his guilt. "I'm so sorry. I have no excuse for letting you slip away like that, but I swear on all the stars in the sky I never stopped thinking about you, living for you, loving you!"

"I had no idea what you were doing or where you were when I decided to join the Resistance," you said. You laughed softly and said, "I knew it was what you would do in my place."

Poe shared your little laugh, waiting for you to finish. 

You sniffled and continued, "When I stepped off that lander and found you had arrived the day before..."

"I knew it was destiny," said Poe, quickly, perhaps a little too emphatically.

You rolled your eyes, but he continued, "I believed that the Force had brought you back to me so we could fight this fight together."

You frowned and looked away for a moment.

"I had no idea how you felt, how you'd been feeling since I left. If I'd had an inkling, baby, I would have had you come live at the barracks with me," said Poe, looking expectantly up at you.

"Smartass," you grumbled. "Only spouses can li..." 

Poe smiled. You furrowed your brow and studied his face.

"I had planned on waiting 'til I had made upper officer and could afford to support us both, but if it would have kept us together, I would have happily married you then," he said, smiling wistfully.

"I've been hurting a long time, Poe," you said, unable to think of any more advanced arguments.

"I know, baby," he said, only a foot between you now. "And I'm so, so sorry. All I'm asking is if there's anything left between us but resentment and hurt."

You hid your face in your hands as a decade of tears caught up with you. Poe took you in his arms without hesitation as you gave in to sobs. When you said something through the wet and his shirt, he pulled you back a bit.

"What was that, baby?" 

You sniffled and said, between two big sobs, "I never stopped loving you."

Poe smiled affectionately as he said, "I never doubted it. But I needed to hear it. I love you like a dumb farm kid loves the prettiest girl in school." 

"Who the fuck is sh-she?" you sobbed. 

Poe barked out a laugh that shook you, squeezing you tightly to his chest. You hid your face so he wouldn't see you grinning through your tears.

"All I need is half a chance to ace a mission," he said, rubbing lazy circles across your back. "Tell me I got something."

"It's more than a chance," you sniffled, resting your chin on his shoulder, holding him as tight now as he did you. "But it won't be easy."

"Nothing worth doing is," said Poe, holding you out to look you over. "And have I ever done anything easy?"

You were unable to prevent the vulgar snort that escaped when you said, "Me!"

Poe spun you around joyfully as your laughter reverberated around the valley, bouncing around the echoes of the skyrockets.

"I said nothing worth doing is easy, baby," he said, squeezing you so tight you thought you would pass out.

For just a moment, you were teenagers again, filled with hope, bursting with love like the lights in the sky.

You watched the lights in Poe's eyes a long time before noticing he kept looking at your mouth.

"Are you for real, right now?" you asked dryly.

His voice was solemn though when he said, "I feel like I'm gonna die if I don't."

You didn't have a quip to counter that. You were dumbstruck by the tender look on his face. You smiled softly and leaned in, brushing your nose against the side of his.

Poe closed his eyes and smiled for a moment before pressing his mouth to yours. Firmly at first, in his enthusiasm, then softly as he relearned your shape and feel and taste.

You had forgotten how soft and beautiful a kiss was when backed by such powerful affection. It was dizzying. You grew unsteady on your feet, but Poe held you tightly, tipping you back like in the dramas.

You looked up and saw the last skyrocket burst behind his head, marking the end of the celebration with a giant blossom of gold sparks. The night was suddenly quiet and dark.

You found yourself laying in the grass, Poe holding you against him, kissing you deeply.

You held his face in your hands and said, "It won't be like the first time." 

"Why?" he asked, suddenly solemn.

"Skyrocket show is over," you said, grinning and nodding towards the empty sky.

Poe's face went from surprise to annoyance to pure seduction in the span of three seconds.

"We can make our own," he purred, tickling your sides until you squealed.

The only sound in the night was your giddy laughter as you rolled around in the grass, kissing and teasing each other to the point of whimsy.

Maybe you weren't kids carving your initials in a blackbark tree at the edge of the Damerons' koyo field. You would never be that way again. But maybe what you were making now was more important, more enduring: a bond built on trust, love, experience, honesty. Indelibly etching your names on the new galaxy you would rebuild together. It wouldn't be easy by any means. But if Poe refused to give up on you, you'd be damned if you gave up on him.