#but when you feel like you’ve been in this weird limbo numb state for the past decade?

[etheralisi]

ᴛᴇ ɪɴᴠᴏᴄᴏ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅɪʀᴛ ɪs ɢᴏɴᴇ

Perhaps she has hit the unlucky jackpot with getting Tamara as her roommate. What kind of reality did she wake up in to have to come home to a summoning circle?

Ao3

--------

 They were low on flour. 

 And it’s not as if they necessarily need it, per se. Not really, because hey, there’s a few snacks laying around, and their neighbor Marla’s built up a reputation from giving stuff out from bottomless pockets of sweets and chocolates that fits the picture book description of every five year old’s dreamscape to a t. 

 But Anthea’s hands are itching to do something, anything that isn’t homework, and as always, she’s drawn back into memories of large and steady palms pressing hers into dough, and the scent rising yeast in the oven — the furnace she’ll endearingly label as home. Even now, away on her studies, away from that little country kitchen, it’s that little piece of her past that’s trailing after her through the shopping aisle, Anthea mulling over the brands they have available.

 “You’re going shopping?” Her roommate had shouted from the couch when Anthea’s foot was half out of the door, holding it in place as she turned exasperatedly towards the other girl. “ Can you get me anything? Like, I dunno, gummy worms or something. Maybe some crisps. Oh, oh! See if they have any of those-” She snapped her fingers, a disappointed pout forming as she made a vagueish gesture. “Ah, you know. Those things.”

 “Sure, sure. Very helpful,” Anthea had said in drawl, fairly sure there are at least five possible contenders for what ‘those things’ may be from her past purchasing habits and, chances are, she’ll end up purchasing the wrong thing. So. You know. Helpful. “I’ll see what I can find, Tam. Pay me back later.”

 She’s gotten Tamara a good few bargains, and if she were any less of a person, Anthea would charge her full price for them and pocket a little extra cash. Like a certain someone — not naming names, but Tamara — had done a few months back in her ploy to ‘get rich quick’ after taking inspiration from a few life hack videos guaranteeing her ways to save money, though not as borderline fraudulent as she put into practice.

 So. Yes. What a wonderful roommate Anthea’s been blessed with. Truly an inspiration.

 (And to think that once upon so long ago, Anthea had been a sidestep and a jump from a breakdown, worrying if she’d be considered the weird roommate. The one people grumble about to friends over the phone.)

 After staring at the prices the flour is selling at — long enough she swears barcodes and prices are burned into her retinas, thin black lines and all — Anthea pulls out her phone, just long enough to send a text or two to Tamara. Just checking in, is all. Reminding Tamara of her half of the chores, and praying to every entity out there that she's not going to have to come back to their shared living space surrounded by firefighters because of a science project gone wrong. 

 (“Hey, I was just pulling apart my Magiorb to see how it ticked! I couldn’t have foreseen the fire. Or how couches aren’t fireproof. Uhh, what’s the cheapest fireproof furniture selling right now?”)

 Needless to say, there’s a very low bar in the terms of her expectations for her return. Very low bar. ‘World’s best limbo dancer can’t even hope to cross’ kind.

 Still. Somehow Tamara manages to bring a spade and tunnel right under this metaphorical bar until she reaches hell’s gates, because, well, Anthea’s pretty sure that everything you can find in a ‘ cultists starter kit to summoning demonic entities’ has been strewn across the room to the point that rather than baking, her hands are screaming for her to grab a fire extinguisher before house fire electric boogaloo can make a comeback. 

 Candles. So. Many. Candles. Over that little couch, over her bed. Why are they over her bed?

 Multiple pressing questions bulldoze their way down the fast-pass lane to the forefront of her mind, so pressing they may as well be full on slaps to the face like this whole nonsensical scene displayed out in front of her. Anthea hardly registers dropping the shopping bag, slipping from numb fingers now completely useless for pinching her awake from this living nightmare. 

  ‘Life hacks,' okay. Guess this extends to hacking away at their own lifespans too. It’s flashing before her eyes, disco party style, as they speak.

 “Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?” Anthea says with this tired sort of calm calm. Like the anger and frustration and fear are too big for her body and physically unable to manifest themselves into her tone. It’s just. Too much.

 “Your text told me to satanize the kitchen before you returned, and the other rooms if I could. Don’t worry, I did the kitchen too,” Tamara says like it’s a perfectly normal request and every bit entirely in character of Anthea to say, and not in the least worrisome to the point that Anthea doesn’t so much as want to think about the state of the kitchen. She knows the text. She knows what she sent. And yeah, pulling out her phone, Anthea’s now doubly sure that her request wasn’t nearly as demonic as Tamara has taken it.

 “I wrote sanitise, Tamara,” She corrects with not nearly enough stress on the name as she is feeling right now. Not even close. “Sanitise . And here you are with… with this pentagram…”

 “Summoning circle.” 

 “Oh, I’m sorry.” Anthea wants to laugh, really laugh, but she’s afraid she won’t be able to stomach something so bitter. “And how is that any better?”

 “I mean, it’s not the Satan on the line. I couldn’t get a hold of him.” And is it her, or does the slight pout of Tamara’s bottom lip make her look — dare she say it — disappointed. Demonic flames are no way to sanitise a home. Insta-cook it? Yes. But she just wants to bake. Not recreate hell’s kitchen.

 Anthea pinches or nose and lets loose a long, drawn out sigh as she tries to recall what optimism sounds like again when her half full glass has been shattered against a wall repetitively. 

 “Well that’s clear. If you had, I’d be coming back to nothing but the circle. Thank the stars you didn’t manage to summon him.”

 And by him, she means whatever alternative demon Tamara had turned to after her temporary setback. Anthea never really studied demons above the mandatory lessons where the overall takeaway was ‘ stay the heck away from demons unless you have a death wish for both you and your entire neighbourhood .’ And good old Mr Rivera had a knack for making even the most entertaining of things about as interesting as witnessing fifty coats of paint dry, the sound of his voice alone giving insomniacs the well needed rest they deserve, his droning on a magical cure-all. But she swears that the patterns ring some incredibly distant alarm bells amongst the fog of memories.

 “Ehhh…” Tamara hand wanders to the back of her neck, sheepish. “I mean...”

 Her stomach drops. Ten, twenty floors of an office building and into the plummeting void of ever present worry and why ever did she think leaving to buy flour would be a safe activity?

 “What,” Anthea says, fire encased in a cage of ice for a tone, “Did you do?”

 As if on queue — and perhaps so, because stage queues and flair have been attributed to their species for years — the answer makes itself known as the Dreambender himself, materialising into existence with a faint pop and waft of pine needles to mask the smoke.

 What.

  What the-

 “Oh, y̤͈̣̭̝͎̹o͖̝̻̲̤̪͇u͖͉̥͙’̥͖̟̗͍̮͡r̼̩̣̻e̞͔̝̜̹ ͔̺̘͈̰͎b̞̦͍͔͡a͖͜c͇̘k̛̮̙?̹̼͓̖͖̳̝ ” He grins, too many teeth. Far too many teeth. “And you’ve brought my gummy worms! Thanks!”

[afabdisasterq]

Bar Room Awkward

Who: Quinn Fabray & Rachel Berry

When: 7/21 ; Evening

Where: A Bar In Bushwick 

What: Rachel wants to see Quinn, makes the mistake of going to the bar she works at

Warnings: Alcohol Abuse

Rachel hasn’t really left her bed. She’d send a text here and there to check on Quinn but she silenced the group chat and only answered texts from Blaine.

She’d just dropped Josie off with him and wandered New York with no exact destination in mind. She’s beyond worried about Quinn. Afraid all of this coming to the surface is her fault. Like if anything else goes wrong Quinn would leave again, or worse.

It’s no surprise she finds herself at Quinn’s bar- they’d be forced to interact and she could see for herself the state Quinn is in. “A tequila shot and a corona, please.”

Quinn isn't sober but she's not drunk either. It's a weird limbo but she's functional and numb and work makes it easier. She accepts more shots from patrons now, especially the women she listened to talk of pain she was all too familiar with. But mostly she goes through the motions. Flirts with patrons, let them flirt with her, ignoring the bile in her throat at every man. It's a straight bar, she knows that, but it still makes her feel sick when guys flirt with her.

She's just finished a shot of Rumchata with a patron when Rachel walked in and made her way to the bar. "You starting a tab?" She asks as she pours the shot, setting it down in front of Rachel before going to grab the beer. She didn't want to think about things. She just wanted to work.

“Please.” Rachel nods her head, handing her card over. She sits back in the stool and pulls her phone out and opening her email. Before she starts opening any unread she drinks the shot back and grabs for the beer when set in front of her. “Thank you Quinn.”

She takes the card and starts the tab. She hands over the beer, just nodding before leaning against the bar. It's Sunday and a lazy one at that. There's the usual and  a few others, and she can see Duke in the far corner, chatting up a couple guys. Quinn doesn't know what to do with herself on nights like this. Usually she'll play on her phone or make conversation with the older woman at the end of the bar. Today is different. The last week or so has been different. She's not stable and downtime is hard to deal with.

“So, did you sleep today or are you running on no sleep?” Rachel takes a sip of her beer, not looking up as she types on her phone. “Do you enjoy the slow nights?”

"What is sleep?" She sighs, knowing she'll probably start dosing NyQuil or something soon, just to get her some kind of sleep. It's so bad, the nightmares and the insomnia. "No."

“I shouldn’t have asked.” She knew better. She knew better to be chatty. To act like this isn’t all messed up and wrong and she just wanted to give Quinn the world- but sees no hope in ever being able to do so. “I can keep you company.”

Quinn looks at her, raising the famous Fabray eyebrow at her. Quinn doesn't blame Rachel for the instability she feels, even though she so easily could. It wasn't her fault though and she could never place that blame. "Okay? I mean, your dime."

“Or I can leave. I’m not here to make you uncomfortable. I was hoping maybe you’d be happy to see me.” She finishes her beer quickly. “I’ll take another shot and you close my tab. I’ll go elsewhere.”

"Don't tell a bartender that, it's shitty." She growls out, pouring the shot but not even remotely moving to add it to the tab, much less close the thing out. "I'm at work, Rachel. Whether I'm happy to see you or not is trumped entirely by the fact I am working." She pushes off the counter and goes to tend to some other customers, one even going so far as to buy her a beer, which she accepted, drank half of in one swig and tossed in the bin. It was a beer she didn't like but she didn't want to seem ungrateful.

“You look a lot less enthused to see me than anyone else.” Rachel mutters, again downing the shot in one gulp. “Just let me know when you’re one. You know, if you want to.” She stands from her seat.

"Why are you really here, Rachel?" Quinn spits, almost regretting throwing the half of the beer away. "Why did you really come in here tonight? Huh? Want to see how fucked up I am since everything has started coming back to the surface?"

“You’re being defensive. I wanted to see you. I just didn’t think that this is just forcing you to see me instead of giving you a choice.” Rachel shakes head

Quinn huffs, running a hand through her hair. "So trapping me at work was your bright fucking idea?! At least if you'd asked I could be someplace I where I'm able to be comfortable."

“You’re never comfortable, who are we kidding?” Rachel clenches her fists. “I admitted it was a bad idea, it’s why I’m going to leave. Try and get comfortable.”

Quinn is fuming, or she's supposed to be. She's supposed to be raging, and part of her is, but not enough. "Don't. Please." She doesn't know why the idea of Rachel leaving hurts. It's not the fact it'd be lost business, that much she knows, but she doesn't have a reason why.

Rachel doesn’t want to leave her, but she also finds herself so angry at everything. She really didn’t think she was causing harm until it dawned on her how awkward this was. “Another beer please.” But instead of sitting at the bar she finds a seat instead.

Quinn slumped against the bar for a few moments before grabbing the beer Rachel had asked for, as well as one for herself. The bouncer who was sat by the door nodded as Quinn stepped out from behind the bar and he came over to get behind the bar. She set Rachel's beer down on the table and took a seat. "So, you going to tell me what else possessed you to see me at work?" She asks as she pours her beer into a glass.

Rachel is shocked by Quinn coming over. She accepts the beer and just looks at her. “I needed to see you were okay and I missed you. I thought this would be a way for me to do it without putting pressure on you but it did the exact opposite and I wish I realized that before.”

Quinn shook her head, taking a long drink of her beer. "Honestly, Rachel, had you asked to meet up I wouldn't have said no." It always had been hard saying no to Rachel. Rachel always seemed to come to her in her mess. In the chaos and made it okay. Made taking it at her speed okay.

“I didn’t think that would be the case. I’m sorry I assumed differently. I just feel like things are really upside down right now for me and for you and it would make sense you push me out. I really really don’t want that. I couldn’t bear it.”

Quinn sighs, closing her eyes for a moment. "You're not wrong about things being upside down, they certainly are. And I can't say I blame you for thinking I'd push you out. But I like having you back in my life. Even if you being back has brought so much so much negative to the surface, I can't blame it on you."

“That’s all I can real ask for. I know you can’t give me more.” She liked having her back. Maybe not the same way Rachel felt about it but it meant something. “I really missed you.”

Quinn's eyebrow raises, not sure what Rachel means by that. Not that she'd ask. She knows all too well that she's not stable, nor able to do a lot in terms of other people. Hell, she was a shitty friend to Duke most days. Not that she didn't try to be a better friend. She was just difficult as a human being. "You've always been one of those people who sticks around even when you maybe shouldn't."

“I just really want you in my life.” Rachel says after a long moment of silence.  “I don’t care if you feel like you have no place because I make the decisions on who I want and.” She doesn’t understand what had happened. How this happened. That she’s pretty sure she loves her. But it had to be projection, right? “And I want you to be in my life for as long as you’ll have me in yours.”

Quinn sips her beer as Rachel speaks, not entirely sure how she's supposed to be feeling. She doesn't know how to feel about much these days. "Okay." She doesn't know what else she's supposed to say.

“I need you to help me when I mess something up. I’m trying to respect boundaries but it’s really hard for me.”

Quinn sighs. "Well, no more surprising me at work, yeah? Feel free to come by and all, won't deny customers, but let me know first? And seriously, if you ever want to hang out while I'm off just let me know. Duke has been trying to get me to be more social as it is. Even though I do tend to be productive when I'm not hanging out at his work on my days off."

“I don’t do anything anymore. So I’m free when you tell me you are.” Rachel nods, finally sipping on her beer. “What would you want to do?”

Quinn just nods a bit. " I don't know. I haven't properly hung out with someone in over a year." She shrugged, finishing her beer. "I need to get back to work but we can keep chatting if you come back to the bar?" Quinn isn't going to force her to do so, but the offer was there. Standing, she grabbed the empty bottle from her own beer and headed back to the bar, tossing the bottle in the bin and giving the glass a quick wash before attending to the few patrons the bouncer hadn't gotten to.

“Oh. I just feel like I shouldn’t interrupt you at work. I mean, it isn’t like we can really do anything but make small talk and end up with a drunk Rachel because I drink when I’m nervous.” Rachel follows Quinn to the bar. “I’ll finish my drink and head out.”

"Nervous?" Quinn raises her eyebrow at Rachel. "What have you got to he nervous bout now?" While she can understand not wanting to drink too much, it was curious to her that Rachel was nervous.

“I don’t want to mess this up. I’ve never been good at this.” She’s talking with her hands. “At talking. At things with you.”

Quinn shakes her head a bit, chuckling. "C'mon, you're still the only person who looked at me the last time I had pink hair and saw who I was, how I was. Who treated me with an ounce of decency and respect. Sure, you fucked up just showing up here tonight, but it's fine. You're fine. WE are fine."

“Things become unfine before your eyes.” She whispers before nodding her head. “I’ll try and believe you. But I want to know you more than anyone. You deserve nothing but decency and respect.”

Quinn finished fixing a beer for a patron before going over to Rachel, a hand reaching out to cup her cheek gently. It wasn't unfamiliar for Quinn to get a little hands on with patrons she knew, Duke and a few regulars were entirely too used to it and it made her oddly popular. "You always have."

“But do you believe me? That-that I just want to care for you. I’m not going to leave or give up.” She looks down at the bar. “That you can trust me?”

Quinn uses the hand still on Rachel's face to slide under her chin and raise her back up to face her. "Tell me, who has run every time? It has never been you, Rachel. It has always been me. You've always cared about me. Whether it was sophomore year when I was pregnant or senior when I'd all but lost my own mind. Or now, when I definitely have. And you're far too stubborn and determined to give up."

Rachel slowly meets her eyes, biting down on her lip. “I’ll never give up on you Quinn. Never.” She whispers quietly.

Quinn grins. "I know you won't." She winked before pulling back. "So, you gonna stay for another drink or should I close out your tab?"

“Well now I want to wait for you to be done work so we can hang out.” She laughs. “But I should probably go home.”

Quinn chuckles. "Text me when you wake up in the morning and we'll figure something out then. I've still got a long, slow work night ahead of me." She smiles at Rachel. "So, close out your tab?"

“Close out my tab, yes.” Rachel smiles, intending on taking Quinn up on her word. “I look forward to seeing you again, with notice this time.” Rachel gives her a good tip before leaving the bar. She felt so much better getting to talk to her.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

COTW 26 - update... what am I even doing any more

With everything happening, the shock didn't hit Eren until he was back at home. He'd been left in a numb and confused limbo at the hospital, yet the moment he set foot in the apartment, he couldn't stop the flood of overwhelming emotions. He knew Mike, Levi and Krista were all concerned about his mental state, and being so disconnected from his feelings had only made things worse. He was happy and relieved that Rei had been born, and he knew his pup would be closely monitored. He'll he was better of being outside of him than in, but the baby boy had such a hard journey ahead of him, while he was still pregnant with their other pup. And that was the main cause of his confusion. He was pregnant with twins, which should mean two tiny little lives being born, only, Rei was now a week older than his twin brother, and they'd always have a different birthday. He couldn't go back and change that... and it made him feel like he'd robbed them of some kind of special bond they both deserved to share. Playing his pain off as exhaustion, Eren let himself be helped to his nest, where he buried himself under as many blankets as was humanly possibly. He didn't want to be touched. He didn't want Levi's gentle and soft hold. He... he wanted to be held by a soft omega, who understood what it was like to be less than ok. He wanted to be held by someone who didn't have the long hard lines of an alpha, and the disposition to match... but now Marco was gone, he didn't have such a friend... and he couldn't bare to break Levi's heart in any way, shape or form, by admitting he wasn't what he needed right now. His mate worshipped him, and here he was, thinking of being in the arms of another. He felt sick from it. His whole body was confused over being down to one pup, and the more he thought about it, the worse it became. Fighting hard to keep it in, he failed. His small sobs and the tears he tried to deny grew into screaming sobs. It wasn't fair... he loved them. He loved them so fucking much... so why did have to go through all of this shit. Rushing into their room, Levi ripped back the covers to reveal him on his hands and knees, smacking down on the bed as he screamed. The pressure on his stomach forgotten as he took his frustrations out on the world around him. Climbing in, Levi didn't hesitate. Grabbing him by the wrists, his alpha pushed him up to sit, then forced him to wrap he arms around him as Eren continued to wail. He didn't even know what had triggered it. He'd been fine at hospital, but now his mind had decided to betray him... and fuck... Levi was so good to him... "Eren? Come on, hey. Hey. Talk to me..." "I can't!" "Yes you can... come on, tell me what you're thinking" "I want my pups! I want my pup! I..." Hiccuping and choking down a breath, he was yelling at his alpha "I couldn't do it! I couldn't give birth at the same time! I couldn't! I ruined it!" "Shhh... hey. Hey, no. You know that's not true" "It is! I ruin everything Levi! I ruin everything!" "No. No, that's not true" Struggling, Levi was holding him too tight for him to escape "It is! They're supposed to be twins! Now... I took that away from them! I took that away! I ruined it!" "Shhhh. You didn't ruin anything" "I did! God! Why... why can't I do anything right?! Why, Levi!? I tried to be good! I ate! I ate and ate like you all made me! But it wasn't enough! I'm bad... I'm a bad omega... they were supposed to be twins..." Rocking him, Levi wouldn't let him go "No, Eren. We knew this might happen..." "Because I'm wrong! First Viren and then... then the other pup! It's my fault... if... if I'd been a better mum..." "You're a great mum" "I'm not! I'm dirty and wrong! Something is wrong with me! They... they should have killed me. They should have left me in the basement! Then... then this wouldn't have happened! I'm a monster who ruins everything!" "You're not a monster. You're my omega..." "I'm revolting! I should... I should be dead... then everyone could be happy!" Running out of steam, he continued to cry against Levi. He hated this. He hated this so fucking bad... "I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have you... you're my mate. My omega... my Bright Eyes" Sobbing hard against Levi, Eren's whole body shook with effort. He couldn't even think. Not with his omega having "deserted" him. Even his own second dynamic was sick of him "I don't want to be alive! I'm so tired, Levi! Everything that's supposed to be good gets ruined and it's all because of me. I ruined you. I broke you and I left you... I shouldn't have come back... I shouldn't have... why am I alive?" "Shhhh... shhh... you deserve to be alive and you've ruined nothing" "They're supposed to be twins" "And they still are" "How?! They're not even born on the same day! I took that from them... I took that, Levi. I ruined it!" "No, you didn't... hey, no, you didn't" "I d-did! They're supposed to be twins!" "They're still twins, they're just twins born on different days. It's not that strange..." "It is!" "No, it's not. He just couldn't wait to meet you" "He nearly fucking died! Because I wasn't strong enough!" "Eren, please. You're going to make yourself sick" "G-good... I deserve it! I deserved everything!" * Levi felt helpless. Eren wasn't fine, but his omega wasn't letting anyone in. Because of that, Mike had kept Eren in for a week, because they both knew that when it all hit Eren, anything was possible. Levi just hadn't expected it to be so soon after they got home. With everything going on, Eren's scent had taken an unsettling neutral tone. His omega would laugh or smile, but it didn't feel natural, and Eren couldn't understand why it happened when he didn't feel like expressing either of those emotions. It wasn't until they'd come home that Eren's scent nosedived into the realms of sour, and he'd called Mike to be on hand in case Eren got violent. He was a heavily pregnant omega, with an enormous amount of pressure against a fairly thin patch of skin from two surgeries on his pregnant belly so close together. Yeah. He was worried. What he didn't expect was Eren's wailed of sheer misery. The scent of total self abandonment hit him the moment he pulled back the blankets on his omega. Sitting there, Eren just kept screaming. Gathering him up against him was all he could, but the moment his skin touched Eren's he felt sick to the bottom of his stomach, and Eren's scent flared with rejection... he wasn't about to let Eren reject him. No matter what was coming out his mouth, or how much it cut to the bone. They'd been through too much, and a life without Eren, was no life at all... Sobbing and screaming himself into a drug aided stupor, Eren whimpered each time Levi's fingers carded through his hair. His omega having fallen limp against, once Mike had slipped in and injected him with sedatives. Neither of them like it, but Eren was far too upset. Hushing him gently, Levi rearranged Eren in his hold, so he could stoke his omega's face as Eren lay there with a blank stare on his face "Levi?" "Shhh... he's calming down" "What do you need me to do?" "I don't know... we were all waiting for it" "That doesn't make this easier" "No. Do you want me to call Erwin? Or Hanji?" "Hanji would only get excited over the pup, and Eren can't... right now. How can he think he ruined anything?" "His hormones are out of whack... and he's confused over it all. It is like he said, he was supposed to birth twins, and now they're being born weeks apart" "For their own good. And Rei, he's been doing so good..." As his voice rose above a whisper, Eren whimpered "Shhh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Eren. I'm here. I've got you..." "He had a doing so much better than any of could have predicted. Without sharing everything between him, Eren and his brother, he's doing so much better" That wasn't to say the pup was out of the woods yet... "I'm going to stay with him like this, until he falls asleep. Can you make sure Viren isn't too scared from all the sound?" Eren let out a breathy broken whisper "Vir-en" "Do you want Viren, baby?" Eren gave the very tiniest nod, so small it could have been passed off as a residual tremor "Ok. Ok, baby. Mike, would you mind?" Laying Eren down with his head in his lap, Eren's eyes closed as soon as Viren was in his hold. By some miracle, the toddler had slept through the whole thing, and Mike was able to lay him next to Eren without rousing him "Do you mind if I call Erwin?" "You don't have to stay" "I think it's best I do tonight" "Then have Erwin stay with you... you two can use the spare bed, just try to keep it down" "Don't worry. Nothing like that is going to happen" * Sleeping through till morning, Eren woke feeling better. Tears rushed to well in his eyes, but sometimes in life you just needed to have a good, hard cry. Feeling soft fingers brushing his hair, Eren sniffled softly. He still wished he had an omega to snuggle into, but Viren was asleep beside him, while Levi had watched over him "I'm sorry" "Do... do you feel better?" "I needed to cry... I feel so confused" "Then we should talk about that..." "I... feel yuck" He felt gross and sweaty, and pretty sure he'd went himself in his sleep... which wasn't welcome... or Viren had wet the bed. Either way, gross "Yuck?" "Someone wet the bed... I think I need a shower and some panadol before we talk" "Ok... do you want me to take him, while you get up?" Levi was... off. He couldn't remember what he'd said, but his alpha wasn't ok with it "That would be for the best... I'm sorry for last night, but I need to talk to you" Levi washed Viren down, before abandoning him in the bathroom. Yep. He couldn't deny that Levi was acting distant. He'd fucked up and now he had to face the consequences... but crying really had helped. His omega wasn't ok, but finally feeling what he'd supposed to be feeling and admitting he wasn't ok... felt ok. Showering down, he made sure to check his wound site, finding it tender but free of blood. His stomach was still painfully swollen, but felt so weird with just the movement of one pup in there. They were supposed to be twins... and now was... gone from inside of him. Finding a new bag of clothes sitting on the edge of the nest, and the bottom few blankets stripped away, Eren dressed in a simple long black single and a pair of stretchy jeans. They must have been from when Levi went shopping that morning. Waddling out, he jerked back as he realised the apartment was fuller than he thought. Mike, Erwin, Hanji and Anna were all sitting at the dining table. Levi was in the kitchen, while Viren was sitting on the kitchen counter. Titan was perched on the back of the recliner, eyeing them all in disgust. "Eren! Good morning! How are you feeling, My Sweet?!" Confused. Annoyed. But mostly confused. He thought he was going to talk to Levi, and now their apartment was full... and everyone was looking at him "I'm ok...?" What was he supposed to say? "Good. Good. Now. I've popped by and checked on little Rei. He's looking good... and now I'm here because today we are all yours" "What?" Erwin cleared his throat "We heard you a rough night last night, so we are all here to help move things around. You know. Get the things out your old room, and get the nursery gear from Hanji's" The old nursery gear was simply Viren's old cot and mattress... they'd upgraded the boy's bed for his second birthday and the decorations were packed away as Viren tastes changed. So... what they really needed was new things. He'd kept Viren's baby clothes, but they were too big for his son... and this was too much. Last night he'd felt too much and now they were all too much. Lifting Titan off the sofa, Eren retreated back to Levi's room. He didn't care if the sheets were possibly still wet, he wasn't ok with this... What the hell was Levi thinking letting everyone in?! "Honey?!" Nope. He wasn't ok. Cuddling with Titan, Titan had his nose to his cheek as Eren tried not to cry. He wanted to talk to Levi. He wanted to explain that he wasn't ok but that he understood why now. Instead he had a whole gaggle of alphas in the kitchen and no time to talk. Soon they'd be pulling his old room apart, without caring what it meant to him. Most of his things were in a half packed state, but when Levi had invited him into his house, he'd been so careful about that being Eren's space. "Eren?" Not responding, he wiped at his face "I didn't know Hanji was coming over. It's your birthday tomorrow, so they wanted to get the room done today. She was already here when I came out the bathroom with Viren..." "You told them... you told them I had a break down!" "No. Mike was here last night when you did. He stayed in case you needed anything, and Erwin stayed with him. That was Erwin being Erwin" "I wanted to talk to you! You're mad at me and I wanted to talk to you!" Titan climbed to his feet, stretching before slinking out from under the blankets... traitorous cat... "I'm not mad at you. I'm... hurt. You said you wanted to die" Pushing the blankets back, he looked at Levi. Shaking his head, he didn't know what to say that. Closing the bedroom door, Levi strode across their room, before crawling into the remnants of the nest as Eren covered his face. Wrapping his arms around him, Levi guided him to his chest "Last night, you tried to reject me. You stank so badly of self hate. You said you ruined everything and wanted to die..." "I can't remember... but I feel better because I could finally cry. I wanted to talk because I feel" "I didn't think they'd all be here. With everything that happened, I missed that tomorrow is your birthday... it's just us in here... talk to me. I don't want you to die. I don't think you've fucked up. I don't think our son being born early is a bad thing. You haven't ruined anything" "I feel like I did. They started life together, and they were meant to be born together. You hear about twins bonds and you know... twins are usually born together. They have their birthday on the same day. It's their day and they celebrate having each other. Now I feel weird. I only feel one pup moving. My stomach is too big and empty. Only two feet kicking the hell out of me. It feels like I've lost the other pup, because I'm still pregnant. It's confusing and it's scary. We have nothing, Levi. All the bedding needs to be rewashed. We have one crib... and even though the mattress is in a cover, it need cleaning if not replacing. All of Viren's clothes are too big. And all of this planning is for one pup, even though I have one still inside of me... I feel like... I feel like when I miscarried. I'm pregnant and not at the same time. Last night, when all this hit me, it finally hit. How much of a failure I feel for only one pup being still inside of me. I feel like because of what I went through, that I'm less of a person, because I'm an omega and my omega is being distant. I can't remember what I was thinking last night. But I needed to cry and scream, and let it out..." "You said you ruined me. Fuck, Eren. Mike had to sedate you because you were so distressed" "You're mad. Why can't you say you're mad?! I'm trying to explain what I'm feeling but instead you're mad" "I'm not mad" "I don't even have to look at you. Fine. You're not mad. You're disappointed. Stupid omega had a cry again" "Eren. No. You've got it wrong" "So there is something! You've been off all day! Tell me..." "It's not fair. Ok. It's not fair. The pups doing better outside of you. The other is still growing inside of you, and you're screaming that you want to die. And, your birthday is tomorrow. You turn 25. You shouldn't be dealing with this... you kept going and you nearly lost your life. All I want is you to be happy" "So I should have kept this inside" "No. No. I was off this morning because it physically hurt to watch over you sleeping. It took hours for your scent to change. Hours..." "I... I wanted to be held but by an omega. I wanted an omega to hold me and I felt guilty that you weren't the one I needed last night" "I'm sorry" "It's not your fault. You're not fine, and talking is a good step" "It was like I couldn't feel anything in hospital..." "But coming home, you felt safe enough to let go" "I guess. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin... and realising how much needs to be done and how little we have for two pups so small... and losing my space. It feels too much" "Then what do we need to do first?" Pushing Levi away, Eren rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms "Shop for our pup. If we know what we have, we can plan the nursery" "Then I'll get my laptop. Whatever you want, we'll get" "I don't want that. They're your sons too. And Viren. He needs something to take up his time. Babies need care and he needs going to be jealous and angry that we can't give him all our attention" "So special for him" "And... we should leave the bed in there" "He's three. He doesn't need a queen size bed" "No, but for sleep overs and when he's sick" Levi took his hand "We'll have to agree to disagree on this. We could get two single beds in there. That way he's got a bigger bed, and there space for Anna too" "That might be better..." "Then we'll move his bed and the queen to Hanji's garage" "We're lucky we have Hanji" There was a lot of stuff stuck in Hanji's garage... and the attic... They'd be screwed without her "Eren, can I ask a question? I'm not pushing you or pestering you over it. But why do you love the apartment so much?" "Because it's home" "Home is where we are..." "I want to stay here" "Eren" Levi's voice held a hint of a warning growl. He couldn't fight again. His nerves were shot... "I don't want to live in a house... ok. I can't. They have basements. I can't handle being in a house with a basement. Other than Hanji's, the last actual house I lived in was that foster home. It doesn't matter if you're there. I can't ok. A lot of bad things happen in houses. Hanji's was ok because she didn't have kids. She didn't have a basement... I'm ok at Hanji's because I know she doesn't have one and I know her now. Here. Here I have safe walls around me and I have a floor. Beneath that is another apartment with someone living and going about their lives and at the bottom of all of that, is the carpark... it's stupid. Ok. It's stupid that I can't deal with something that ended so long ago..." "No. It's not stupid. That's the first time you've told me that" "Because I didn't want to remember"

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

COTW - 26 update tiny...

With everything happening, the shock didn't hit Eren until he was back at home. He'd been left in a numb and confused limbo at the hospital, yet the moment he set foot in the apartment, he couldn't stop the flood of overwhelming emotions. He knew Mike, Levi and Krista were all concerned about his mental state, and being so disconnected from his feelings had only made things worse. He was happy and relieved that Rei had been born, and he knew his pup would be closely monitored. He'll he was better of being outside of him than in, but the baby boy had such a hard journey ahead of him, while he was still pregnant with their other pup. And that was the main cause of his confusion. He was pregnant with twins, which should mean two tiny little lives being born, only, Rei was now a week older than his twin brother, and they'd always have a different birthday. He couldn't go back and change that... and it made him feel like he'd robbed them of some kind of special bond they both deserved to share. Playing his pain off as exhaustion, Eren let himself be helped to his nest, where he buried himself under as many blankets as was humanly possibly. He didn't want to be touched. He didn't want Levi's gentle and soft hold. He... he wanted to be held by a soft omega, who understood what it was like to be less than ok. He wanted to be held by someone who didn't have the long hard lines of an alpha, and the disposition to match... but now Marco was gone, he didn't have such a friend... and he couldn't bare to break Levi's heart in any way, shape or form, by admitting he wasn't what he needed right now. His mate worshipped him, and here he was, thinking of being in the arms of another. He felt sick from it. His whole body was confused over being down to one pup, and the more he thought about it, the worse it became. Fighting hard to keep it in, he failed. His small sobs and the tears he tried to deny grew into screaming sobs. It wasn't fair... he loved them. He loved them so fucking much... so why did have to go through all of this shit. Rushing into their room, Levi ripped back the covers to reveal him on his hands and knees, smacking down on the bed as he screamed. The pressure on his stomach forgotten as he took his frustrations out on the world around him. Climbing in, Levi didn't hesitate. Grabbing him by the wrists, his alpha pushed him up to sit, then forced him to wrap he arms around him as Eren continued to wail. He didn't even know what had triggered it. He'd been fine at hospital, but now his mind had decided to betray him... and fuck... Levi was so good to him... "Eren? Come on, hey. Hey. Talk to me..." "I can't!" "Yes you can... come on, tell me what you're thinking" "I want my pups! I want my pup! I..." Hiccuping and choking down a breath, he was yelling at his alpha "I couldn't do it! I couldn't give birth at the same time! I couldn't! I ruined it!" "Shhh... hey. Hey, no. You know that's not true" "It is! I ruin everything Levi! I ruin everything!" "No. No, that's not true" Struggling, Levi was holding him too tight for him to escape "It is! They're supposed to be twins! Now... I took that away from them! I took that away! I ruined it!" "Shhhh. You didn't ruin anything" "I did! God! Why... why can't I do anything right?! Why, Levi!? I tried to be good! I ate! I ate and ate like you all made me! But it wasn't enough! I'm bad... I'm a bad omega... they were supposed to be twins..." Rocking him, Levi wouldn't let him go "No, Eren. We knew this might happen..." "Because I'm wrong! First Viren and then... then the other pup! It's my fault... if... if I'd been a better mum..." "You're a great mum" "I'm not! I'm dirty and wrong! Something is wrong with me! They... they should have killed me. They should have left me in the basement! Then... then this wouldn't have happened! I'm a monster who ruins everything!" "You're not a monster. You're my omega..." "I'm revolting! I should... I should be dead... then everyone could be happy!" Running out of steam, he continued to cry against Levi. He hated this. He hated this so fucking bad... "I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have you... you're my mate. My omega... my Bright Eyes" Sobbing hard against Levi, Eren's whole body shook with effort. He couldn't even think. Not with his omega having "deserted" him. Even his own second dynamic was sick of him "I don't want to be alive! I'm so tired, Levi! Everything that's supposed to be good gets ruined and it's all because of me. I ruined you. I broke you and I left you... I shouldn't have come back... I shouldn't have... why am I alive?" "Shhhh... shhh... you deserve to be alive and you've ruined nothing" "They're supposed to be twins" "And they still are" "How?! They're not even born on the same day! I took that from them... I took that, Levi. I ruined it!" "No, you didn't... hey, no, you didn't" "I d-did! They're supposed to be twins!" "They're still twins, they're just twins born on different days. It's not that strange..." "It is!" "No, it's not. He just couldn't wait to meet you" "He nearly fucking died! Because I wasn't strong enough!" "Eren, please. You're going to make yourself sick" "G-good... I deserve it! I deserved everything!" * Levi felt helpless. Eren wasn't fine, but his omega wasn't letting anyone in. Because of that, Mike had kept Eren in for a week, because they both knew that when it all hit Eren, anything was possible. Levi just hadn't expected it to be so soon after they got home. With everything going on, Eren's scent had taken an unsettling neutral tone. His omega would laugh or smile, but it didn't feel natural, and Eren couldn't understand why it happened when he didn't feel like expressing either of those emotions. It wasn't until they'd come home that Eren's scent nosedived into the realms of sour, and he'd called Mike to be on hand in case Eren got violent. He was a heavily pregnant omega, with an enormous amount of pressure against a fairly thin patch of skin from two surgeries on his pregnant belly so close together. Yeah. He was worried. What he didn't expect was Eren's wailed of sheer misery. The scent of total self abandonment hit him the moment he pulled back the blankets on his omega. Sitting there, Eren just kept screaming. Gathering him up against him was all he could, but the moment his skin touched Eren's he felt sick to the bottom of his stomach, and Eren's scent flared with rejection... he wasn't about to let Eren reject him. No matter what was coming out his mouth, or how much it cut to the bone. They'd been through too much, and a life without Eren, was no life at all... Sobbing and screaming himself into a drug aided stupor, Eren whimpered each time Levi's fingers carded through his hair. His omega having fallen limp against, once Mike had slipped in and injected him with sedatives. Neither of them like it, but Eren was far too upset. Hushing him gently, Levi rearranged Eren in his hold, so he could stoke his omega's face as Eren lay there with a blank stare on his face "Levi?" "Shhh... he's calming down" "What do you need me to do?" "I don't know... we were all waiting for it" "That doesn't make this easier" "No. Do you want me to call Erwin? Or Hanji?" "Hanji would only get excited over the pup, and Eren can't... right now. How can he think he ruined anything?" "His hormones are out of whack... and he's confused over it all. It is like he said, he was supposed to birth twins, and now they're being born weeks apart" "For their own good. And Rei, he's been doing so good..." As his voice rose above a whisper, Eren whimpered "Shhh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Eren. I'm here. I've got you..." "He had a doing so much better than any of could have predicted. Without sharing everything between him, Eren and his brother, he's doing so much better" That wasn't to say the pup was out of the woods yet... "I'm going to stay with him like this, until he falls asleep. Can you make sure Viren isn't too scared from all the sound?" Eren let out a breathy broken whisper "Vir-en" "Do you want Viren, baby?" Eren gave the very tiniest nod, so small it could have been passed off as a residual tremor "Ok. Ok, baby. Mike, would you mind?" Laying Eren down with his head in his lap, Eren's eyes closed as soon as Viren was in his hold. By some miracle, the toddler had slept through the whole thing, and Mike was able to lay him next to Eren without rousing him "Do you mind if I call Erwin?" "You don't have to stay" "I think it's best I do tonight" "Then have Erwin stay with you... you two can use the spare bed, just try to keep it down" "Don't worry. Nothing like that is going to happen" * Sleeping through till morning, Eren woke feeling better. Tears rushed to well in his eyes, but sometimes in life you just needed to have a good, hard cry. Feeling soft fingers brushing his hair, Eren sniffled softly. He still wished he had an omega to snuggle into, but Viren was asleep beside him, while Levi had watched over him "I'm sorry" "Do... do you feel better?" "I needed to cry... I feel so confused" "Then we should talk about that..." "I... feel yuck" He felt gross and sweaty, and pretty sure he'd went himself in his sleep... which wasn't welcome... or Viren had wet the bed. Either way, gross "Yuck?" "Someone wet the bed... I think I need a shower and some panadol before we talk" "Ok... do you want me to take him, while you get up?" Levi was... off. He couldn't remember what he'd said, but his alpha wasn't ok with it "That would be for the best... I'm sorry for last night, but I need to talk to you" Levi washed Viren down, before abandoning him in the bathroom. Yep. He couldn't deny that Levi was acting distant. He'd fucked up and now he had to face the consequences... but crying really had helped. His omega wasn't ok, but finally feeling what he'd supposed to be feeling and admitting he wasn't ok... felt ok. Showering down, he made sure to check his wound site, finding it tender but free of blood. His stomach was still painfully swollen, but felt so weird with just the movement of one pup in there. They were supposed to be twins... and now was... gone from inside of him. Finding a new bag of clothes sitting on the edge of the nest, and the bottom few blankets stripped away, Eren dressed in a simple long black single and a pair of stretchy jeans. They must have been from when Levi went shopping that morning. Waddling out, he jerked back as he realised the apartment was fuller than he thought. Mike, Erwin, Hanji and Anna were all sitting at the dining table. Levi was in the kitchen, while Viren was sitting on the kitchen counter. Titan was perched on the back of the recliner, eyeing them all in disgust. "Eren! Good morning! How are you feeling, My Sweet?!" Confused. Annoyed. But mostly confused. He thought he was going to talk to Levi, and now their apartment was full... and everyone was looking at him "I'm ok...?" What was he supposed to say? "Good. Good. Now. I've popped by and checked on little Rei. He's looking good... and now I'm here because today we are all yours" "What?" Erwin cleared his throat "We heard you a rough night last night, so we are all here to help move things around. You know. Get the things out your old room, and get the nursery gear from Hanji's" The old nursery gear was simply Viren's old cot and mattress... they'd upgraded the boy's bed for his second birthday and the decorations were packed away as Viren tastes changed. So... what they really needed was new things. He'd kept Viren's baby clothes, but they were too big for his son... and this was too much. Last night he'd felt too much and now they were all too much. Lifting Titan off the sofa, Eren retreated back to Levi's room. He didn't care if the sheets were possibly still wet, he wasn't ok with this... What the hell was Levi thinking letting everyone in?! "Honey?!" Nope. He wasn't ok. Cuddling with Titan, Titan had his nose to his cheek as Eren tried not to cry. He wanted to talk to Levi. He wanted to explain that he wasn't ok but that he understood why now. Instead he had a whole gaggle of alphas in the kitchen and no time to talk. Soon they'd be pulling his old room apart, without caring what it meant to him. Most of his things were in a half packed state, but when Levi had invited him into his house, he'd been so careful about that being Eren's space. "Eren?" Not responding, he wiped at his face "I didn't know Hanji was coming over. It's your birthday tomorrow, so they wanted to get the room done today. She was already here when I came out the bathroom with Viren..." "You told them... you told them I had a break down!" "No. Mike was here last night when you did. He stayed in case you needed anything, and Erwin stayed with him. That was Erwin being Erwin" "I wanted to talk to you! You're mad at me and I wanted to talk to you!" Titan climbed to his feet, stretching before slinking out from under the blankets... traitorous cat... "I'm not mad at you. I'm... hurt. You said you wanted to die" Pushing the blankets back, he looked at Levi. Shaking his head, he didn't know what to say that. Closing the bedroom door, Levi strode across their room, before crawling into the remnants of the nest as Eren covered his face. Wrapping his arms around him, Levi guided him to his chest "Last night, you tried to reject me. You stank so badly of self hate. You said you ruined everything and wanted to die..." "I can't remember... but I feel better because I could finally cry. I wanted to talk because I feel" "I didn't think they'd all be here. With everything that happened, I missed that tomorrow is your birthday... it's just us in here... talk to me. I don't want you to die. I don't think you've fucked up. I don't think our son being born early is a bad thing. You haven't ruined anything" "I feel like I did. They started life together, and they were meant to be born together. You hear about twins bonds and you know... twins are usually born together. They have their birthday on the same day. It's their day and they celebrate having each other. Now I feel weird. I only feel one pup moving. My stomach is too big and empty. Only two feet kicking the hell out of me. It feels like I've lost the other pup, because I'm still pregnant. It's confusing and it's scary. We have nothing, Levi. All the bedding needs to be rewashed. We have one crib... and even though the mattress is in a cover, it need cleaning if not replacing. All of Viren's clothes are too big. And all of this planning is for one pup, even though I have one still inside of me... I feel like... I feel like when I miscarried. I'm pregnant and not at the same time. Last night, when all this hit me, it finally hit. How much of a failure I feel for only one pup being still inside of me. I feel like because of what I went through, that I'm less of a person, because I'm an omega and my omega is being distant. I can't remember what I was thinking last night. But I needed to cry and scream, and let it out..." "You said you ruined me. Fuck, Eren. Mike had to sedate you because you were so distressed" "You're mad. Why can't you say you're mad?! I'm trying to explain what I'm feeling but instead you're mad" "I'm not mad" "I don't even have to look at you. Fine. You're not mad. You're disappointed. Stupid omega had a cry again" "Eren. No. You've got it wrong" "So there is something! You've been off all day! Tell me..." "It's not fair. Ok. It's not fair. The pups doing better outside of you. The other is still growing inside of you, and you're screaming that you want to die. And, your birthday is tomorrow. You turn 25. You shouldn't be dealing with this... you kept going and you nearly lost your life. All I want is you to be happy" "So I should have kept this inside" "No. No. I was off this morning because it physically hurt to watch over you sleeping. It took hours for your scent to change. Hours..." "I... I wanted to be held but by an omega. I wanted an omega to hold me and I felt guilty that you weren't the one I needed last night" "I'm sorry" "It's not your fault. You're not fine, and talking is a good step" "It was like I couldn't feel anything in hospital..." "But coming home, you felt safe enough to let go" "I guess. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin... and realising how much needs to be done and how little we have for two pups so small... and losing my space. It feels too much" "Then what do we need to do first?" Pushing Levi away, Eren rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms "Shop for our pup. If we know what we have, we can plan the nursery" "Then I'll get my laptop. Whatever you want, we'll get" "I don't want that. They're your sons too. And Viren. He needs something to take up his time. Babies need care and he needs going to be jealous and angry that we can't give him all our attention" "So special for him" "And... we should leave the bed in there" "He's three. He doesn't need a queen size bed" "No, but for sleep overs and when he's sick" Levi took his hand "We'll have to agree to disagree on this. We could get two single beds in there. That way he's got a bigger bed, and there space for Anna too" "That might be better..." "Then we'll move his bed and the queen to Hanji's garage" "We're lucky we have Hanji" There was a lot of stuff stuck in Hanji's garage... and the attic... They'd be screwed without her "Eren, can I ask a question? I'm not pushing you or pestering you over it. But why do you love the apartment so much?" "Because it's home" "Home is where we are..." "I want to stay here" "Eren" Levi's voice held a hint of a warning growl. He couldn't fight again. His nerves were shot... "I don't want to live in a house... ok. I can't. They have basements. I can't handle being in a house with a basement. Other than Hanji's, the last actual house I lived in was that foster home. It doesn't matter if you're there. I can't ok. A lot of bad things happen in houses. Hanji's was ok because she didn't have kids. She didn't have a basement... I'm ok at Hanji's because I know she doesn't have one and I know her now. Here. Here I have safe walls around me and I have a floor. Beneath that is another apartment with someone living and going about their lives and at the bottom of all of that, is the carpark... it's stupid. Ok. It's stupid that I can't deal with something that ended so long ago..." "No. It's not stupid. That's the first time you've told me that" "Because I didn't want to remember" Pulling him back to him, Levi stroked his hair as he sighed "This trial really bring up so much shit for the both of us" "I fucking hate not testifying" "I thought you didn't want to" "I don't. But I got to tell my own story. Your words were right..." "Just my words?" "You were right. Even if they all think I'm crazy or unstable, people don't know what you don't tell them. They don't know how badly omegas get pushed around because they turn a blind eye to it. If I don't speak up... then every single baby that was taken from their mother and every single omega who lost their children, it was all for nothing. And if Nick walks, then he can do this to others. He can start again... and he will. If he was happy to elbow me, or push me down the stairs, then he's going to find a way to revive "The Church". If I can stop just one omega losing their pup... then it has to be worth it" "That's my omega. I'm sorry I forgot your birthday... but I'll make it up to you" "Can you ask the others... to take the bed out the room? And Hanji to take the kids. I can't play with them. I can't pick them up... and I can't stand disappointing them. I can't. Viren, he needs to enjoy everything he can..." "I'll ask them. And we'll spend the day shopping for the pups... did you still want to go see Rei?" "Yeah... I feel so guilty that he's in there. I feel guilty because I couldn't even look at Viren. I feel like I don't deserve this" Levi kissed the top of his head "You deserve to be a mum. You're a great mum. And you're sexy as hell" Eren snorted, before hiding his face against Levi's chest. His mood was already taking another turn downwards, and he wanted to get things done before he ended breaking down again "I don't feel sexy. I can't stop slicking. My breasts are leaking and my stomach feels empty... and I have to pee" "Then we need to get up. I want you to tell me all you're feeling. I want to know. Even if it's something small..." "I'm probably going to cry again" "As long you tell me why, I can help you through this" "I'm sorry about last night" "I understand it better now. I might not agree with how you think of yourself, but Rei is here and he's alive. That surgery gave him to become stronger..." "I want to see him..." "And we will. I promise, ok?" Eren nodded against his husband. Levi knew what he felt now... he didn't know how he felt about that, but he hoped his mate didn't think he was as crazy as he had last night. * Eren's mood was worse than a rabbit on a pogo stick, and Hanji didn't help. She wanted to talk all things baby, walking into their room and climbing into Eren's nest without his permission. His nest may have been wrecked so badly it barely it looked like a nest, and it may have been slightly out of shape from Levi using it while Eren had been in hospital, but the moment Hanji "cheerfully" came to check in on them, dropping down on the edge of the nest and not realising her mistake, it'd sent Eren back into tears as he hissed like an alley cat and Hanji looked offended. With his alpha set off by his lover's strong reaction to another alpha in their nest, Levi ended shoving Eren down in an attempt to put himself between him and Hanji as he bared his teeth "Whoa! Hey. What the hell? You two were taking so long that I came to check on you. Erwin and Mike want to know what they're supposed to be doing and the kids are confused. I thought you'd like an update on little Rei, he's doing so well they're going to operate next week..." Since when were they going to operate and why did Hanji know before they did? He needed to get Hanji out of Eren's nest and calm him back down. His mate had told him his emotions were and mess, and he'd just assured him that it was ok to be. Now Hanji was forcing a conversation on him, when Eren still needed to go to the bathroom and when Eren had just made the choice to face everyone... sure, it might have meant the others had to wait a little longer, but Eren was making choices for himself and that was the most important thing "You're sitting in my mate's nest" Hanji looked around her at their bed "Sorry... it doesn't look like a nest, so I don't realise" Eren let out a small cry, having been insulted over his lack of nesting abilities. For an omega who hadn't even know what a nest was, together they'd made some pretty spectacular ones. Sure, their nest needed remaking, but within the piles of blankets, Eren felt safe and that was the whole reason for a nest "Look. We were just about to come out. Now get your shitty stink out my omega's nest" "I know you're off your suppressants, but you don't need to be such an arsehole. Eren isn't the only pregnant person here" No. But Eren was his husband, and Hanji was an alpha stepping into their territory "I am well aware of that fact. But you're in his nest. He's going through a lot" "And what am I? Just a babysitter to you? You didn't even tell me you had a son! I had to learn it when I stopped in at work! You didn't tell me about getting married. You didn't tell me anything..." A crying Hanji he couldn't deal with at the best of times, but Levi didn't get it. Did everything always have to constantly be public knowledge? Couldn't they share things once they were ready? Behind him, Eren was crying. In front of him, Hanji was crying. So he did the adult thing "Erwin!" And called for back up. "Levi? What's going on here?" Standing in the doorway, Levi cursed Erwin for intentionally ignoring the sight in front of him. He should have called Mike. Mike wouldn't question him like this "Can you please take Hanji out to the living room? Eren and I were about to get out of his nest, but she sat down without realising and..." Behind him Eren choked out that he was sorry "Why can't you tell me anything? Every time we talk, you need a favour. Eren's the only one who makes the time to see how I am! I thought we were friends, Levi" "Hanji, that's enough. Let's have a little talk in the living room" "Why are you taking his side?! He's supposed to be your best friend and you weren't even invited to their wedding!" Behind him, Eren dragged himself up. His scent of pain turning to anger. Growling, his omega wrapped one arm around Levi's waist "You know what. We were both fucking scared I was going to die on the table, so we fucking eloped. And guess what. I did. I died. My kids nearly died. I am sorry your feelings have been hurt, but sometimes I need to do things and have time to process them. Levi already told you we fully intend on having a proper ceremony once everything has settle down, but we both wanted to get married before I died and we never got the chance, and as for Rei. I didn't know anything was fucking wrong until Titan woke me up from my nap by jumping on my stomach. It was like two hours later that he was being cut out of me! You were home with Anna, who was sick. So tell me Hanji, what the fuck could you have done if you were there? Nothing. You needed to be home with your daughter. And I'm sorry it seems like you're always babysitting, but how many fucking times have I babysat for you? It's not supposed to be about that... fuck... I'm a fucked up freak, who can't even give birth properly. Who can't even have Levi's pups properly..." Letting out a broken howl of a sob, Eren's anger was back to deep sadness. Walking over, Erwin took Hanji by the arm and dragged her out their nest, while Levi kicked the blankets tainted with her foul offending scent off the edge of the bed "Eren, hey. Shhh. It's ok" "It's not ok! I hurt her!" "No... no you didn't. Hanji..." "I can't even nest properly... I never wanted to be a burden. Never. To me, being a burden is the worst and I am" "You are not a burden. It was Hanji letting her mouth get the bett... oh fuck... hold on" Gagging, Eren whined in distress before throwing up. His omega managing to get the blankets and not them, but it still wasn't a pretty sight. Hanji's pheromones had no doubt set him off. She may be an alpha and a pregnant one at that, but her anger had seeped into Eren's safe place. Rubbing his husband's back, Eren emptied his stomach on the blankets with a miserable whimper "It's ok, let it out..." "B-bathroom..." "Ok, I've got you. You're ok" Carrying Eren into the bathroom, his omega took over... finally peeing, before washing his hands and brushing his teeth. Remaining by his side, Levi stroked Eren's belly softly while his mate tried to regain his composure, leaning heavily on the bathroom counter as he forced his breathing back under control. Giving it several long moments, Eren finally nodded to him "I think I'm ok now" "You don't need to force yourself" "Can you strip the bed down? And wash the stuff with Hanji's scent on it. I can't deal with her anger right now. Then, can you have Mike and Erwin disassemble the bed in my old room, and stop by the hardware store on the way. We need wall fastener things..." It took Levi's brain a moment to think. Eren had gone from crying, to calm, to be being scared, to crying, to yelling, to howling in pain, to vomiting to now speaking as if that hadn't happened at all, all in the last hour or so "Ok" Was the only thing that came out "Can I have some panadol please?" "Oh. Right. Yep. I forgot about that" "My head is fucking killing me..." "I think your head isn't fucking, nor is it killing you" "I don't know. It hurts to think" His blood pressure was probably sky high again, and none of this was fitted the category of "keeping Eren calm so he didn't work himself up and into labour". Kissing Eren's cheek, he then went about retrieving panadol from Eren's drawer "We need to talk to Floch too. I need to finish testifying. And Nick's team wanted to abuse me some more" "Eren, you just came out of hospital" "I know. But if we get things done now, we don't have to worry about them later. And if we're doing things, I don't have to think about the fact Hanji knew Rei was scheduled for surgery before we did" "I was wondering the same thing. We'll ask when we go in, ok?" "I really want to see him... they said he can't come home though..." Shit. The tears were back. None of them really knew how long Rei would be calling the NICU home for "They said he couldn't come home until he was bigger, but we can see him every single day" "I want to hold him again. I didn't get to hold him for long enough" And Levi hadn't been able to hold him at all... he could only watch him through the humi-crib "And you will. I need to strip the bed now, will you be alright in the living room?" "Y-yeah... I don't know what to say to Hanji though" "Just give her some space. The kids will probably be more interested in giving you cuddles" Eren sniffled and nodded, before groaning "What?" "I have to pee again..."