#but when people are unfamiliar with how he communicates and they don't listen he gets frustrated

[darkwood-sleddog]

Would you call Slash a himbo? Obviously he is handsome and respects women, but is he dumb of ass?

He can be Dumb of Ass (tm) but he's actually very smart in a very scary way. This dog KNOWS things and has opinions and gives us, the humans, directions in a very human way sometimes. He is more a like 8 year old child that does motocross stuck in the body of a dog than he is a like...plain dog.

[heart-of-the-morningstar]

Angel!Lucifer x Human Reader: Second Preview

Hey hey! This is for all you night owls out there! I call this a preview but it's pretty long lol. The people in my community already read a part of this but there's new stuff too! Let me know how you enjoy it so far! And again, thank you for being so patient with me on this one <3

No active warnings!

You looked down and began to fiddle with your hands, unsure if your reason would upset the angel. "It's Adam..." you began, "He's...so needlessly demanding and harsh. He doesn't see us as equals, he believes himself to be superior to me. I've tried explaining to him that he shouldn't be acting this way, but he refuses to listen! Finally, I had enough of him...so I ran..." You felt the tears well up in your eyes once more, small whimpers escaping your throat as you tried to hold yourself together. "I know we're meant to be partners and I've sure heaven will not be happy b-but..."

"Shh, it's alright." Lucifer cooed as he wiped away the tears the fell down your cheek. "Please, no more tears. You were right to stand up to him. Adam should know better." You sighed and let your head rest in Lucifer's small yet tender hand. You glanced over at the pound when you heard an unfamiliar noise emanating from the center. You noticed some feathered creatures you didn't recognize swimming on the lakes surface. There seemed to be one that was much larger than all the others. You looked back at Lucifer and saw his face light up with delight. "Do you see those little ones over there?" You nodded. "Heaven may not have wanted my input on creation, but that doesn't mean I didn't have any."

"Are those your creations?" you asked.

Lucifer smiled and then sighed. "One of very few. Do you want to get a closer look?"

You looked back out to the water and saw the group of animals flap their wings, splashing the water in every direction. They seemed so full of life and energy, watching them play filled your heart with warmth. You nodded, albeit a bit nervously. Lucifer let out a melodic whistle; you watched as the little creatures made their way towards the lake bank. You saw them use their small wings to help them onto land and waddle towards the two of you. Initially, you stretched out your hand to touch one of the smaller ones but pulled back in hesitation.

"Don't worry," lucifer reassured, "they are harmless, I promise! Watch!" Lucifer cupped his hands together and laid them down in the soft grass. A few of the small ones happily chippered and hopped into his palms. "Want to give it a try?"

You copied Lucifer's motions exactly and watched as the same thing happened with the remaining babies. Their feathers were bright yellow and soft to the touch. You were in awe of the little lives you held in your hands. "They’re so small," you said aloud to no one in particular. "What are they, Lucifer?"

The angel lowered his hands and let the little ones go back to what you now assumed was their guardian. "I named them ducks," Lucifer answered. "The little ones are ducklings; not fully formed yet but they will grow!"

You nuzzled your cheek to the handful of ducklings; their little peeps made you chuckle. "They're beautiful!" you exclaimed, letting them down so they could join their family once more.

"Yeah, beautiful..." you heard Lucifer murmur. You looked over to see his lovely blue eyes staring straight back at you, a tint of yellow now colored his cheeks. "Uhh, I mean, umm...here! Watch this!"

A sudden flash of sparkles left you dazed, but only for a second. Lucifer had disappeared in front of your eyes.

"Lucifer?" you called out, looking to either side of you but seeing no one.

"Down here!" you heard his voice respond. You looked down and saw a small little white duck in Lucifer's top hat. He smiled at you and wagged his feathered tail. You couldn't help but laugh.

"Oh, what an adorable little creature," you fawned playfully, cupping your hands once again and allowing him to hop in them. You brought him to your cheek and nuzzled him as you did with the others. Lucifer quacked in excitement. "I didn't know you could change forms!"

"It's not something I do often," he admitted. By the tone of his voice, it almost seemed like it was something that had been discouraged. "But I don't mind making a special exception for you!" You noticed the sun began to dip over the horizon, the fleeting sunlight shimmering off Lucifer's pristine white feathers. It would be night soon, and in that moment you realized you didn't have anywhere else to go. Lucifer noticed the change in your demeanor, tilting his head. "Is something the matter?" Before you could open your mouth to speak, a bellowing call could be heard from the tree line.

"Where the fuck could she be?!" you heard the voice ask, filled with annoyance. Adam. You saw the man push past the foliage and make it to the clearing. His eyes immediately found yours, and you felt as though your heart had nearly stopped. You let Lucifer down gently before standing up.

"Stay here," you whispered to him. "I'll talk with him."

"But-" Lucifer tried to refute, but you shook your head intensely.

"I don't want to risk angering heaven," you responded. "The last thing I want is for you to be punished for my choice. Please?"

Hesitantly, Lucifer nodded in agreement, making his way to the water to join the other ducks in an attempt to blend in. His little hat vanished as he started swimming. You sighed and turned to meet with the brute of a man who was already towering over you. His chest heaved; his breath was short. You could already tell this may not end well.

"Where the FUCK have you been?!" he began to shout, raising his hands in the air out of frustration. "I've been looking for you for way too long, you know that? Making me walk everywhere to find you? Fucking ridiculous!"

You took a deep inhale and let it out slowly before responding. "I'm sorry, Adam," you feigned an apology.

"Whatever," the man spat back. "You've had your temper tantrum, now let's g-" Adam paused, his eyes staring at the length of your body. "The fuck is this?" he asked grabbing the sleeve of the cloth that hung off your body. In your worry for Lucifer, you'd forgotten about the gift he had given you. You smacked Adam's hand away and wrapped your arms around yourself.

"It doesn't matter," you answered curtly.

You watched as the man's eyebrows furrowed at your non-compliance. "I don't have time for this," he reached out once more and took a firm hold of your wrist. "We're going back. Now!"

You slipped your wrist out of Adam's grasp and took a few steps back, your feet at the end of the lake. "I..." you started, your voice threatening to crack. "I'm not going back with you! I'm tired of your behavior and your disrespect. I'm not your servant, Adam, and I refuse to live the life I was given as your slave."

Adam snarled at you, stomping closer and closer to you, forcing you back into the water as you tried to avoid him. But it was to no avail. He was quick to grab your arm and yank you from the lake pulling flush against his bare chest. "That wasn't a suggestion," he spoke through gritted teeth. You tried to pull away but his grip on your arm was far too strong. "Like it or not toots, we're the only ones in this place. You have nowhere else to go and you know it! And frankly, I'm tired of these stupid games! Now, quit acting like a bitch and move your-"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" a booming voiced roared. You felt a hand take a firm hold of the one that was trapped by Adam and watched as another tore Adam's own hand away from you. Lucifer appeared in front of you after separating you from the man. The angle floated off the ground, his wings spread out wide as he moved swiftly towards the startled man. "How dare you!" Lucifer growled. "How dare you put your hands on her like that! How dare you speak to her like that! You have no right!"

Adam held his hand in pain, shooting daggers in Lucifer's direction. "Who the fuck are you?!" He took a step closer, not waiting for an answer. Even as Lucifer hovered over the ground, Adam still towered over him easily. "You know what, I don't care! Listen, short stack, I don't know who you are or why you're here, but you need to get the fuck out of my way. She's my wife and I can do whatever I want to her. She's mine, got it?"

Adam curled his uninjured hand into a fist and took a swing at Lucifer, only for him to fall flat on his face as Lucifer easily dodged his attack. "Nice try," the angel taunted, "and by the way, the name's Lucifer." You let out a small laugh. Fire burned in Adam's eyes as he lifted his head.

"Shut the fuck up!" he yelled at you. But Lucifer would not accept this response. He latched onto Adam's arm and lifted him of the ground like he weighed nothing.

"What did I tell you about speaking to her like that?" Lucifer threatened. He tossed Adam against one of the trees that stood at the edge of the clearing. The man groaned in pain, attempting to pull himself up and lean his aching body against the tree. Lucifer quickly swooped down, acting as a barrier between the two of you. "You've shown me who you are, Adam. You are a monster, a disgrace. You treat this woman like the dirt you walk on and you expect her to stay with you? To love you?" Lucifer hoisted Adam up, pinning him against the trunk. "You will never see her again; do you understand me? You're going to leave this place and never come back. She is under my protection now. And if you ever so much as come within a mile of her, I will not hesitate to turn you back into the dust you were formed from." Lucifer released his grip on Adam and watched as he took a few steps back into the forest. "Leave. Now!"

Adam wiped the small amount of blood that dripped from his lip and laughed darkly. "Fine, keep her!" he yelled. "She doesn't mean anything to me! Who would want a slut like her anyway!"

"GO!" Lucifer bellowed.

Without another word, Adam took off into the trees. Lucifer flew high up in the sky within seconds, his arms stretched out on either side. The ground beneath you began to shake violently and you wanted to call out for Lucifer before you realized that he was the cause. Seemingly out of nowhere, large rock formations began rising from the earth, rock tumbling down as the mountains grew. As soon as they reached Lucifer's height, they stopped.

And then there was silence.

[justyanle]

could you PLEAAASSEEE do Lo’ak x gn!(avatar)reader? like Lo’ak is so excited to have someone to listen to him and be there that he doesn’t know he’s falling in love

Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy

(Lo'ak x GN!Reader)

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on, especially Lo'ak. What would happen if he yearned for your shoulder other than the purpose of crying on?

CW: Light angst, fluff, teenage Lo'ak in love, comfort, takes place before moving to the Metkayina clan, Lo'ak x GN!reader oneshot

Lo'ak was basically an unpredictable rollercoaster, everybody knew that, but what they didn't see behind his reckless and impulsive facade is that he was incredibly sensitive when it came to his father.

He was frustrated due to the fact he felt like he was getting suffocated due to the lack of freedom, he was a free spirit - always wandering off to some potentially dangerous sights, an active body and just letting his legs lead him around unfamiliar places, almost like it has a mind of it's own.

Though, all of the chest-tightening feeling had fainted when he was with you.

You and Lo'ak have been inseparable since the two of you had even been able to comprehend what feelings were. Basically having no knowledge of romance, you two were intimate as children and now as teenagers, often having hand holding, simple kisses on the cheek, cuddling as the two of you were pressed on one another.

There was no doubt that there were rumors spreading around the Omaticayan community that the two of you would be sworn to be mates in the future, rumors, good and bad, would spread like a wildfire in the clan after a nosy Na'vi would see the two of you in a rather sweet moment as always, like the current event you were in at the moment.

Lo'ak had his head buried into the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent as he tries to restrain the sniffles that were itching to leave his lips.

"I don't understand - how come they let Neteyam out all by himself because he's the 'older brother', he's as curious as me but when I want to go it's suddenly bad?!" He ranted, his hot and unstable breaths making contact to your skin as he tried to hold more tears back.

You reassuringly rubbed his back and head, he was sat beside you but still had his head leaned onto you, craving for the comfort and touch that had effects on him.

Licking your lips, "Lo'ak, you are not Neteyam," you stated followed by "it is not wrong to be you. He's adventurous, you are as well, so what? You wander a lot, so does he, so what?" you try to reassure the boy you had grown to.

"I'm saying that despite the similarities the two of you have, you are not required to be him, Lo'ak. You have a strong heart,"

It seems as if the world has stopped, the grass the two of you had taken your seats on have seemed to be softer, the crickets silencing and the sun was lighter, it was shining. Shining on you.

He turned his view on you, his heart beating faster as he was met by your eyes that seemed to glisten more than it usually does.

" you have no fear." you finished your sentence in the middle of the moment.

Lo'ak can't describe the funny feeling that was bubbling in his heart and stomach, this is what he felt every time he was with you but this energy was - stronger, it felt sweeter and was more truthful than the previous feelings that he felt was like this.

This was not the first time his heart was screaming like this, the first encounter of his odd emotions was when you were taking care of Tuktirey, you were stood as she clung onto you like a sloth.

"Hey Tuk-Tuk!" you delighted as she threw herself into your arms.

"Hi [Y/N]! I missed you, please don't stay at the clinic all day again!" the child begged, still clinging her arms around your neck, you holding her for balance.

"I wish I could Tuk, there's a lot of people wounded from the battle y'know? They're warriors and a bunch of heroes fighting for us."

"You're a hero too [Y/N]! You help the people who are hurt!" she roared and threw her hands in the air, amazed by your skilled healing that provides for the great Omaticayans at war.

"Aw, thank you Tuk! You don't know how much that means to me, it's a pleasure."

She turned her head to a sudden sound of familiar voices, it was her friends. She quickly removed herself from you, running towards her companions, "Bye [Y/N!]" she turned back to announce while she was already in front of her crew.

Waving back, you felt eyes trailing every move you had as you watched from afar, the playful kid laughing with the other people she had grown accompany with.

All of a sudden, you felt arms snaking around your waist from behind and a head has rested it's weight on your shoulder, "How's my best healer?" the charming voice chimed in your ear followed by a cheeky kiss that was planted on your neck, his breath making contact on your skin, sending shivers down to your spine.

Giggling at the familiar vibration you heard and the warmth of the bodies the two of you shared. You spoke, "Well, your supposedly best healer is quite delighted, your sister is the best Sully, Lo'ak." teasing the boy you had adored.

He quickly let go of your body that he once held tight, "How cruel, you're literally soo in love with me." he replied sarcastically, not knowing what he said was true.

You had been painfully obvious since the two of you were just children, often having touchy hints that you wanted to be held by him, often making excuses just to see the younger Sully boy. Your fondness for him had only blossomed bigger when the two of you grew older.

Little did you know, that poor boy you had been reminiscing for years have been feeling the same, he just didn't realize it.

It feels like you have him under a love spell, his heart was pounding whenever he saw you, his head turned fuzzy and basically into foam whenever he gets reminded of you in any way. It was the same feeling his dad often talked about when describing his mom, love.

"Y'know, your mother is practically heaven, Lo'ak, she can light up a completely dim place just by her alone. I love her." Jake spoke up when he caught his son staring at your figure, helping the wounded and comforting families that were grieving or worried sick for their loved ones. He often would imagine a life, a fortress with you, and he didn't even realize his feelings had already consumed him whole, he was completely on his knees for you.

"I dunno what you're talking about dad, I'm confused why you're randomly bringing this up.'" Lo'ak says, looking away from you helping the community and turning back to help his dad furnishing the used weapons.

"Sure you do, kid."

The memory in his mind had now subsided, he was laying on your chest, his nose and eyes displayed a red on them, significantly showing that he had just been crying on your shoulder.

You are perfect in his eyes. Nothing could change that, ever.

He was more than thankful for you, in his now teenage years, he had opened up about his burdened feelings to you, seeking your comfort, more than happy he finally had someone to share his problems with.

This poor boy was in too deep, practically drowning in the feeling of you, and he couldn't complain less.

my blog has been flopping guyz pls spare some mercy 😭 i miss the clout, ALSO HAVE THE NETEYAM GIRLIES DISINTEGRATED OR SOMETHING I BARELY SEE THEM IN MY REQUESTS 😭 IM A NETEYAM GIRLIE MYSELF JUST WRITING FOR LO'AK PLS REQUEST CUS THEYRE ALWAYS OPEN

[crazyrav3n]

The devils Mark - Chapter 5 (Peter Steele x reader)

THE BIG REVEAL WHOOP WHOOP

it makes me so happy to see that people actually are enjoying my writing you guys don't know how much I just wanna stalk ur profiles and kick my feet giggling. PLEASE PLEAAASEE PLEASE interact with my works.

Anyway- heres a new chapter! erotica with the big big man coming soonnnnn!

“The show is finished- are�� are you alright baby?” Peter mumbles softly as you wake up, nodding your head softly in response. You feel quite sick.

“Let me go start the car. You can return to my place tonight- I don't think you should be alone. Someone roofied you- or something.” Peter mumbled quietly, setting you down on the couch slowly and softly as you heard the door click.

It's hard to not fall asleep as he goes and starts the car- so you sleep for a few minutes before the next time you open your eyes…

He's got his arm behind your back, and his other arm holding your legs up as he carries you quietly out to the car.

“You're okay.” he softly mumbles to you as you feel his thumb rub circles into your back softly.

You can’t muster out more than some groans of pain- feeling sick and extremely tired.

Consciousness slips in and out of your grip, and you feel like you're losing your mind from the lack of sleep.

All you see when you wake up for those few minutes and seconds- is the soft lights of traffic as Peter drives home, the light dim in the car, and no more noise besides the soft clicking in the car.

“Sleepy, huh?” you feel Peter's soft hand run through the strands of your hair.

He chuckles softly as you slip out of consciousness again.

You drift in and out of consciousness, vaguely aware of movement and muffled voices. When you finally come to full awareness, you find yourself in an unfamiliar room. As your eyes adjust to the dim light, you realize you're lying on a comfortable bed, wrapped in a soft blanket.

A cool, damp cloth rests on your forehead, and you notice you're wearing an oversized sweater that isn't yours. The scent is familiar - it's Peter's.

As if on cue, Peter appears in the doorway, holding a glass of water. His face shows a mix of relief and concern when he sees you're awake.

"Hey," he says softly, approaching the bed. "How are you feeling?"

You try to sit up, feeling a bit dizzy but much better than before. "I'm... okay, I think. What happened?"

Peter sits on the edge of the bed, offering you the water. "You got pretty sick at the concert. I couldn't just leave you, so I brought you back to my place to keep an eye on you. I hope that's alright baby.“

You take a sip of water, noticing how Peter's eyes never leave your face. "Thank you," you murmur.

There's a moment of silence, heavy with unspoken words. You're both acutely aware of the kiss before the concert, the tension of the past few days, and now this unexpectedly intimate situation.

Peter clears his throat. "Listen, about what happened before the show..."

You hold your breath, waiting for him to continue. The air feels charged with possibility.

“I'm sorry for blowing up on you- I was just… Jealous. I wanted you to know- whenever you are around I can't speak.”

Peter takes a deep breath, his eyes meeting yours. "I want to apologize," he begins, his voice soft but sincere. "I completely overreacted at the party and then again with Kenny at the concert. I had no right to get jealous or upset darling.“

“I just-…”

He mumbles, filling the room with silence for a few moments as you two stare at each other, communicating everything without words.

“you- you should know that I like you y/n. I-… I want you all to myself. I realize I can't see you with anyone else after the concert. Let me treat you right.” Peter muttered quietly to you.

He crept closer to you, sitting on the edge of the bed and hurrying back to put his hand atop yours.

“I have-I have more to tell you as well. I don't know any easy way to say this.” Peter mumbled quietly, looking away from you.

"There's... something else I need to tell you," Peter says, his voice barely above a whisper. "It's not easy to say, and it might be hard to believe."

You lean in, curious and a little concerned. "What is it, Peter? You can tell me anything."

He takes a deep breath, his eyes meeting yours with an intensity you've never seen before.

“Have you seen- my canines when I talk? How…Um… pale I am?” Peter's voice was a little on edge as he spoke.

“Y…Yeah?” You muttered in response. There was no denying you had noticed it quite a bit.

“So- a while ago… maybe… I was around… 15 or 16… and I got attacked- not by… something human.” Peter trailed off, and you felt like you knew where this was leading.

“A…what you would call- someone who…feeds off of blood. Specifically… Human.” everything began to make… sense. The possessiveness- the way he lingered his eyes over any slight glance of blood on you… the paleness…

“I got infected. You may not believe me and all but… I'm what you would call… ”A vampire“ in fiction.”

“This is- a lot to take in… peter,” you mumbled softly- your voice still slightly raspy from getting sick.

“I know- I just… Since I like you- and I want to continue something… I think you should know. I promise to be completely honest with you from now on.” Peter mumbled back quietly, putting his hand on top of yours.

“I have so many questions-” you mumbled quietly to him.

“Ask away sweetheart.” Peter lightheartedly chuckled.

You and Peter talk for a while- asking questions time and time after… trying to comprehend the information he just dumped on you.

“I've been without- well… My food- your blood for days. It's kind of a pain in my ass.” Peter grumbled softly.“ Your mind began to wander- what if… did you offer some out to him? Could it help?

As you slowly swallowed the large pill of information… the more you began to overthink. How were you going to cope with the fact the man you loved… was a monster? Feeding off of other people, harming other people for his benefit?

[misscammiedawn]

"My voice"

Such a simple concept. Most don't have to think about theirs. It comes free with your culture and upbringing. A part of who you are. As sure as any freckle or scar.

It's supposed to be a familiar reflection of the self. As much you as your face or your name.

Most people don't struggle to feel at home with theirs.

But our voice was always the first stranger. Dysphoria before we had a word for it. Before the transition. Before recognizing the dissociative disorder. There was always this wrongness to the words coming out of our mouth.

We've lost count of how many times we have had to "learn to speak".

Our father would tell us we didn't say our first word until we were three. "And you never stopped making up for it" he would joke.

We don't remember early childhood. We know there was a lot of shutting us up. We were late to start speaking. We were early to stop.

No matter how many words we said, everyone preferred we stay silent. Those developmental years. That developmental voice... they were learning to speak. Not to communicate.

Then there was the eternal warring camps. The parents who despised one another and tried to rough out any signs of the other within us.

Our working class cockney dad who wanted us to know we were born poor and we die poor. How he hated seeing us read for fun. How he would order us to stop trying to put on a "refined "posh" voice when we tried to tidy our tone or use words one would call pretentious.

Our mother who put on airs of refinement and elegance in a manner we always admired. Certainly we did our clothes shopping at Primark but we did so with dignity.

He preferred a pint of Carlsberg and she drank a dark and bodied Merlot.

They're why we don't drink at all.

Always punished for speaking. Always doing it wrong.

It's a wonder we learned at all.

But we did learn. We used to record our voice on a crappy cassette player we picked up down the line. Record ourselves DJing between songs we recorded off of the radio. We remember one of the tapes had Jennifer Paige's 'Crush' on it so we were at least 14 years old when we did this.

We stuttered. We lisped. We stumbled over ourselves.

But it was a safe environment. Alone in our bedroom. Animatedly trying to emulate the Geezas and Rude Boys on the airwaves. A kid listening to Spice Girls and B*Witched while trying to mimick the toxic men introducing the music.

It's the little ironies that get you over time...

We learned to perform using words. It weren't conversation or nothing. But it was speaking. And that's how we learned to speak in our teens.

We kept up the habit. Long before the slowest of cows 'invented' Lets Play we recorded ourselves playing Mega Drive games. We even still have a few of them.

Do we have a clip?

[Audio Clip of a late teenage us playing Sonic 2]

It was our mid-20s we learned to speak again.

Moving to America and working retail put us in a position of being criticized for talking too fast. For not pronouncing things right. For using unfamiliar slang and shorthand.

So we learned to slow it down.

We blunted our tone. Emphasized the letters h and g when they hung out inside of a word instead of 'ung a'ght.

Get enough people mocking you for saying "'alf'n'alf" and you eventually learn to say "half and half".

And so it would remain.

Certainly at this time of our life we experimented with tabletop. Tried to voice act at the table. Poorly.

[Insert horrible clip of character lines mashed together in a short clip]

But spare for slipping into our developmental voice when exposed to England, we would have remained like that. Talking carefully. Slowly. Barely recognizable as the cockney brat we were.

But then we decided to come out of the closet and transition to a feminine presentation.

...and we had no idea how to sound feminine.

All of the videos on the topic were US Centric and involved music theory that, to this day, we do not fully understand. What is a "glassy" tone when it's at home?! What is an R1 and an R2 register?

The enormity of the concept dwarfed us and we were going through some shit at the time of our transition. Both the social one where we would switch the mask on and off for safety and the public one where we awkwardly attempted to integrate some concept of what a woman is into whatever the hell we were.

The dissociative disorder couldn't hide under those conditions for very long. Particularly when we were able to effortlessly speak correctly at some times.

And couldn't for the life of us at other times.

2 years into it we had money enough to hire a tutor and she said that we skipped the waiting list because she heard our "audition" tape and realized we would fuck up our voice completely if we were allowed to persist like that.

And so... Seattle Voice Labs took us in with 6 months of private coaching.

Tongue up at the roof of the mouth like you're making a NYYYYY sound. Speak from the diaphragm. Add some breathiness to it. Make it a little nasal.

"When the sunlight hits raindrops in the air."

"When the sunlight hits raindrops in the air."

"When the sunlight hits raindrops in the air."

Repeat until you get it right...

But by this point? What is right?

Our accent is watered down enough by this point that the "SAATH LUNDAHN" has been washed out completely. We just have a "British" accent now.

Do we sound high pitched and youthful or breathy and lusty or quaint and serious?

Do we just work on our BBC Broadcaster voice?

To be honest we never worked it out. Fuck knows it didn't help that we were changing our reflection in the mirror, being called by a different name. Moved states. Moved homes. Friend groups. Careers.

What the hell remains after all of that?!

I... don't know.

I really don't.

But we'll keep on talking. Trying to find out what works.

(If you are listening to the audio version) This recording is not us switching or the different voices we use. Each of us have our preferences. Certain ways we like to wear our face and our voice. But just as there's no "Real Me" there is no "Real Voice" either.

No one version ever quite fits. Even if our gender dysphoria is soothed, there's a certain disconnect between our voice and whichever sense of self feels most comfortable at any given time and we don't hear that discussed in DID support groups enough.

So we wanted to talk about it.

It's good to talk sometimes.

We've spent a lot of time practicing.

[octahedral-chaos]

Test-3004 AU: Horrors (A Drabble from Edda's POV)

Or, Edda's nightmarish ordeal, taken from her Point of View.

Warning: Body horror, kidnapping, experimentations, dehumanisation (Kinda?), jail, murder mention

Characters: Edda, Aven (Mentioned), unnamed side characters

Thank you so much @sqarletsworldlesswandering for helping me with this AU, and allowing me to ramble about it!

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How long has it been since she was taken?

She remembered the suddenness of all of this, suddenly being accused of killing someone, suddenly getting thrown into jail, suddenly being visited by a bunch of unfamiliar people and being taken to... whereever they're taking her.

She was under anesthesia, but for some odd reason they didn't put her under fully. Maybe they wanted her to see how far away she is from the surface, maybe they don't want her fighting back but also want her to be aware, frankly she's scared and confused and just want to go back.

She was in a submarine, with the other odd people, seemingly... scientists? They look like scientists, she don't know how far down she was. It felt like days at this point. How long was it since she last saw Aven?

Then, next thing she knew, she was at the surface... wait not, this is a dock, inside a building? There's a building underwater? How?

They essentially dragged her through doors, many door in fact, and then they threw her inside another jail cell. Great. Before they left, one of them took something from their pockets and clasp it around her hand. It was metallic, and silver in colour, a band?

When she finally manage to wake up, she immediately realise said band was a tag of sorts: "Test-3004" engraved on it in bold letters. It also seems to be really difficult to take off, if not impossible.

----------------------------------------------------------

She didn't know how long it was, was it days? Months? Years? She doesn't know. All she know is that she's in a cell deep below the ocean, with people who seemingly doesn't even treat her like an individual. They keep calling her by her number, which is frustrating when they ignore her corrections. In fact, she barely got anything besides some generic books, puzzles and the occasional check-in by the staff.

Besides that? Nothing. And it's driving her up a wall. She wants to talk to people, she just wants to not feel lonely and scared and confused and she just wish that she was with her friend. Aven, oh god, he must also be absolutely lonely too? Right? She still remember how mortified he was when they arrested her for murder (She don't remember killing anyone, not at all. The Former Universe doesn't count now), her imprisonment (She didn't kill anyone! But they didn't listen to her at all, only to that random person that she never met!) And her last meeting with him was in her cell, talking about random things they used to do.

She miss him already.

"Test-3004?" A voice said, shaking her from her thoughts. She looked up, a human staring at her with a slight frown. "Please go to Lab number 17, any refusal to comply will result in you being tranquillised," the human spoke, devoid of any emotion.

As she walked down the halls, she looked around. Most of the doors were metal (which was concerning), and none of them were open. Everything was in bland colours, nothing interesting nor colourful here.

----------------------------------------------------------

"So, Test-3004, you've been chosen for one of the programs here"

She tilted her head. No use to talking to humans if they don't understand sonar nor provided any means of communication.

"Specifically, Project Lightfish. We wanted to see if it's possible to make a light starfolk immune to water. By using genetics and the starfolk's unique ability of absorption, we hope to achieve this."

She did not like this one bit.

"I know that look, you're scared. But remember, you're gone to everyone you know, you don't matter to them anymore. Plus, we need data."

Now she hates this even more. How dare he say that! But... with the threat of being tranquillised looming over her (There is a person right next to her holding a tranquilliser gun), she has no choice but to agree.

----------------------------------------------------------

It hurts.

She did not know what just happened, but all she knew was that she was injected with... something and now she's in complete utter agony. It felt like being burnt alive. She felt her bones snapping and muscles tearing. No, No no no no no, this can't be real, this can't be real. Are they turning her into something else? The scent of essence filled the air, and her head was pounding.

And as quickly as it happened, it stopped.

She took a few breathes, collapsing on the ground. Everything was too bright, too quiet and disorienting. She was exhausted after all of that, barely able to move and look around.

"Test-3004 seems to be a failure, albeit a success at a tiny level. Subject displays too much mutations to be considered a success, but it seems to have gills, which might be a step in the right direction. More testing should be performed when subject recovers," the same person who caused this spoke aloud. They seem bizarrely quiet, like they're shocked at the thing they created. At the thing they turned her into.

Then they left, leaving her in pain and complete, utter confusion.

She tried to calm herself down to a manageable level, as well as waiting for the pain to become bearable.

After a while, she finally got a chance to stir and look at herself.

The first thing she realise was the fact that she seems to be... bigger? The cell seems a bit smaller than she remembered. Second thing she noticed was the clawed hands, she weakly lifted her hand, staring at it in confusion. She tried to get up, before realising that she can't feel her legs.

She looked behind her, and instead of legs, she had a long, serpentine tail with many fins, including a very long tail fin. And then she noticed the extra pair of arms, and gills, and the feather-like pectoral fins that seemingly acts like legs, with the somewhat normal pelvic fins that also acts like legs.

To say at this point she felt like screaming would be a massive understatement.

She thrashed around, screaming all the while. No no no no nononononono, this must be a nightmare, right? Right?! She'll wake up back home with Aven, right?

Screaming turned into sobbing, she curled up, still scared and confused. How they could do this to her? Those heartless monsters, they turned her into a monster without any mercy whatsoever. Why can't they leave her alone? Why they needed her? Why did they took her away from her friend?

----------------------------------------------------------

It did not get better one bit.

They performed several tests on her, throwing her into the water multiple times just to see if she's immune to it. Good news is that she's immune to it, so it doesn't hurt, bad news is water entering and exiting her gills feels weird, so she usually have to restrain herself from scratching at them.

But they still call her Test-3004, barely got her anything to do and they didn't even move her to a new cell or anything, she's still in the old cell (which is downright uncomfortable because of how big she is now. She's tall enough to pick up a human with ease) AND they still ignore her. So did they dump her or something? Do they not care for their "failure?" She was frustrated, so, SO frustrated at this place. She wants to go home, she wants to be with Aven and be happy. She wants to be called "Edda" and not by a silly number.

And now the facility is abandoned, because something happened and all the entities were let out. Now she's alone, completely alone in this horrid place with monsters lurking at every corner. She tried befriending some of them, but most of them were hostile, others were friendly but aren't sapient and others.... aren't alive at all.

How long has it been since she last saw the sun? How long has it been since she was last called "Edda" and not "Test-3004?" How long has it been since she last had a proper conversation with someone? How long has it been since she saw Aven?

She shook her head, she didn't need to think about this again. She crawled to one of the open floors, water pooling into the hole, and dived.

At least she could occupy herself with swimming, even if it's not her favourite thing.

[mamadarama]

Just unlocked Antique story idc if it cost me 400 gems I want my son anyways it broke me on so many levels I'm going to kill you Madara it broke my goddamn fucking heart the ending AUGH sobbing crying wailing. For once though Double Face operates like a normal ass unit by that I mean they don't try to break up for the third time. Having another duo unit face them was so important though, a senior member like Madara and Shu, and a younger member like Mika and Kohaku do so well to contrast each other and it also built the way for Secret Service and Shinsekai oh wait I just realized all the SS chapters start with S that's crazy anyways back to topic... Madara lecturing Shu about communicating with his unit mate (eye roll) yeah as if. Thing is both of the junior unit mates are ride or die for their leader in different ways, Kohaku aggressively keeping Madara tied down (in a good way) to remind that giant to stop looking at the lonely clouds and realize that just because he's high up, doesn't mean there's people who care about him at the ground. He quite literally needs to look down more (because everyone else is shorter except Kuro and Rei but you get it etc etc) and see the people who care for him. As impressive as they are they complete each other. I keep feeling like Madara is so much happier and lively in Double Face than MaM. I feel like that sheriff outfit is more himself than his own featured scout outfit... That's just me though. I am aware that the other two is just the idol he wants to he: jolly, festive and someone to liven up the party. But he feels.,,, more true to me as Double Face. That's why it's heartbreaking that they disbanded to me... Ough men will literally do anything but get therapy I hate him

Anyways I rambled again hope you have a good day fifjdkdjdkjd

- Madara yume anon 🍀

youre absolutely right and thats actually been acknowledged in canon too. when double face was first formed arashi said she noticed madara seems much happier now and shes glad hes finally joined a unit . (she was disappointed to find out about the darker side of the unit though, and later to hear about their disbandment)

mam is who he wishes he could be, double face is who he feels he really is.

ive talked before about how madara tends to run away from positive emotions because the feeling is so unfamiliar that its uncomfortable , and thats why he disbanded double face. its not that he doesnt notice all the people that care about him either, he sees them and feels that they dont understand because if they did they couldnt possibly love him . so the love looks naïve from his point of view rather than fully understood (even if it isnt), and being loved without being understood almost hurts worse than not being loved at all.

so he knows hes loved but he cant look the people that love him in the eyes and letting them love him blind to who he "really is" feels wrong of him, so his solution is to not let anyone get too close or truly love him at all. he keeps everyone that loves him at a "look dont touch" distance so if and when he self destructs, they dont get caught in the blast (which in theory would work, but in practice just confuses everyone involved) and unfortunately, he decided that kohaku got too close.

you ever heard the song shake the disease by depeche mode. you should listen to it

[lochrannn]

Sending this ask to a few tua accounts!

Diegolila is probably my favorite ship in the show, but I've been thinking about this a lot lately. What would you change about their relationship in season 4? Obviously they're not in the honeymoon phase anymore, and they have three kids, so I feel like naturally they would go through a rough patch. But what made me sad in season 4 was that none of it got fixed. The five/lila relationship aside, it was weird to see Lila be just completely disconnected from Diego and not come to any realizations about her relationship with him, especially because she IS a deep character and she really does love him. Plus, I don't completely agree with her being a housewife either. It hurts to see them fight and stuff because I feel like they're 2 characters who are really in sync with each other and who make each other better people, but it hurt a lot more when their arcs ended in them basically not really loving each other anymore.

TLDR how would you rewrite their relationship in season 4? Would Lila still be a housewife/Diego a delivery driver? Who would try to fix the relationship first? Why would the relationship go through the rough patch in the first place? Is it because they're both just tired of each other/suburban life/kids? Or is it something else? Would they try to fix it in the first place?

Sorry this is a really long ask, but I love all your tua takes and I feel like they ripped off Diego and Lila in the worst way this season. Would love to know your thoughts.

Sorry, this took me a while to get to but it's an interesting ask!

There is a small issue I'm having though and that's that I'm sort of answering some of that questoin in the fic I'm writing, and, while that might sound self-indulgent, I don't wanna spoil it XD

That being said, I think I can definitely think about some of the specifics you're asking about.

In terms of how, in general, could one do something with the fact that after 6 years and 3 kids with no fun up relationship in which they could have properly got to know each other ahead of time and that probably causes some issues down the road, I had actually started planning out a fic about a year ago and then never wrote it and now won't as I'm using some stuff in the fic I am writing.

My initial plan also included Lila starting to sneak and withdrawing but instead of cheating it turns out she's been drawn in by the commissoin, some alt version of the Handler who has her convinced that the Diego she's living with is not her Diego... listen, I was going to work out the time travel/time line mechanics later, basically I was trying to get to a Mr & Mrs Smith (the movie) style blow out fight that ends with them smooching.

What I'm saying is, with how volitile their relationship has always been, making them not be all functional is a logical step in the story telling, I take no issue with that. But previous precedent had always been that they care enough to try and find a messy way back to being together, that whatever else, that's more important to them, and just taking that completely away is what bugs me most.

Anyway, to your specific questions: there's a lot of people headcanoning Diego as a stay at home dad, and I guess, yeah, possible, but I think he's a bit to feral for that and on that note, so i Lila, so I would have them both have meh jobs that they hate their bosses at and part of what has caused strain on the relationship is that they are both endlessly busy and find no eral time for each other. (Which also leads to a way to resolve this issue in decent communication and them making an effort to be a couple again).

I have in the past written some fics where I immagined them as a family living the suburban life and Lila finding it...trying... but in my head, she would treat it like a mission, do both the best job she can at it, while basically trying as hard as possible to infiltrate every element of this unfamiliar world and then for some shits and giggles, sow some benign chaos.

Diego being Dad with a mustache and too much care for his van and telling people to take their shoes off in his home tracks. I have no notes. Other than the weird bits where they made him say the words claiming he resents this life but then make him good at it and seem pretty happy, I think they nailed Dad Diego. Shame they made him miserable on puprose, but I digress.

I really enjoyed the first four episodes because I was convinced Diego and Lila would both learn something and want to be together again, I don't think that is trite, I think that is how adult relationships go some times. Lila.... well....

Thanks for the ask!

I haven't been posting much about my thoughts on the season because they are quite jumbled and I'm not pushed to go back and watch it again (which is a real fucking shame, but here we are) to try and sort some details out.

What are your thoughts?

[dehliadelights]

Emotion Edge. Unfinished WIP.

Sakuraba Neku has always been an outsider in his home, his community, his school. Perhaps that was to be expected, given the fact he lives in the Shibuya district of Tokyo. It was scary, a lot of the time. People everywhere, doing so many things at once, everyone trying to get their shit done and over with.

Sakuraba wishes, beyond anything else, that he could just disappear.

Okay, okay, don't get him wrong, it wasn't due to being suicidal, or being quirky. The fact was, Sakuraba Neku never really had connections of any type. His parents were usually gone, he didn't connect with his peers and classmates due to his lack of social awareness, and the fact that he was born female but referred to himself as "he" and "male" always made people weary around him.

Gender and sexualities were always seem more as a mental disorder in Japan. A matter of wondering whether a child was searching for attention or not.

Sakuraba hated being treated like a freak, or an outaider due to his identity. It didn't help that he never made a good impression on his classmates, or the fact that his parents were never around to check up and care for him, or even the fact that he made it clear that the only person be needed in this life was himself.

The only things he needed in life were his hand-me-down MP3 player and his headphones.

Maybe it was alright if Sakuraba was completely alone in life, maybe it was fine that he couldn't rely on any other person for comfort. He had his music, he could drown out the world he was living in. That way, nobody could ever hurt him. He would never have to be like his parents, living in a loveless marriage, working themselves to the bone in dead-end jobs.

Sakuraba had never wanted for anything in his life. He had exactly what he needed to be happy. He spent so much time listening to English-speaking singers that he couldn't pronounce the names of, listening to music that he never understood, but just felt like he did.

Amgry, mostly. Angry, alone, isolated, ignored. Rejected by society.

Lonely.

Sakuraba, loath to admit it, was lonely.

He spends so much time hidden in a corner, his ears covered, not wanting to listen to the happy chatter of friends around him, because he never could partake.

But that changes.

"My name is... uh... Kiryu Yoshiya," Spoke a hesitant boy, his platinum blond hair framing his face. The hesitance of being surrounded by unfamiliar faces all staring at you was clear on his face, making him recoil ever so slightly.

Loath to admit this, either, but Sakuraba was immediately enthrawled by this boy, so much so that he brushes off his headphones, turning the volume down so his peers couldn't hear the aggressive music pumping through his ears, when he couldn't be bothered to listen to whatever his teacher was saying because he knew he'd pass the exam anyways.

Kiryu's violet eyes locked wth Sakuraba's, and in that moment, his whole world shatters. He was so... He didn't know how to describe it. The pretty way Kiryu's hair fell around his face, sheltering his pale skin, was practically ethereal.

"Now, would someone like to show Kiryu around the school?" Inquired Yurri-Sensei, her cool blue eyes scanning the room.

For the first time in his life, Sakuraba's hand shot up into the air. His eyes were wide open, bottom lip trembling. Why was he... sticking his neck out because of this boy? Why did his heart begin to race, as his headphones sat uncomfortably around his neck? What made Kiryu so different?

The way he held himself, so nervously, and yet, with so much self-pride. The way his lashes fluttered as he blinked over at Sakuraba, confused and yet, intrigued.

"Oh, are you sure, Sakuraba?" Yurri questions, head tilting to the side, "You usually prefer to not interact with others..." But after a few moments, her gaze turning towards Kiryu again. "Then it's settled, Sakuraba will show you around. Just be aware, she is not the most social of your new classmates."

"That's alright, ma'am," Kiryu responds dismissively, eyeing up Sakuraba as he rises from his seat. It was like a staredown, curious as to which of them would give up first.

Kiryu had unfairly pretty eyes.

Reluctantly, Sakuraba drags his eyes away from Kiryu's, allowing the blond-haired boy to win this round of psychological warfare, but he knows the battle has just begun. Quick steps echo in the tension of the classroom, with his peers staring in complete shock, disbelief, maybe even awe. He tries to ignore the looks he's recieving, the attention he tries to avoid.

It's better then looking at Kiryu, though, so Sakuraba keeps glancing around the room. That stupid poster hanging up on the wall, or the way Noami's hair is messy, sticking up to make it look like she just rolled out of bed, or that stupid jacket Jun has tied around his waist because he couldn't wear it on school property because of the dress code.

"Alright, let's get this over with," Sakuraba sighs softly, his walls building quickly. He can't afford to have them broken, he can't afford to let his walls destroyed in front of his peers, when he's worked so hard to build them up in the first place.

The tension of silence hangs in the air as the two boys walk quickly through the halls, away from the eyes and the noise. Sakuraba's fingers twitch, moving up to grab ahold on his headphones, the plastic cold against his fingers.

"So, Miss Escort," Kiryu begins, and Sakuraba's head snaps to look over at the now smug boy, eyes wide at the comment, the name he was just referred to as, "Shall we head out now?"

"What do you mean?" Sakuraba questions curiously, eyes narrowing towards the blond-haired boy.

Kiryu hums, twirling a strand of his hair around his fingers, violet eyes locked on Sakuraba, "Well, I doubt that Ms. Yurri will expect us back anytime soon, so we could probably just do what we want during this 'tour'."

"Well, I'm not getting in trouble for ditching class," Sakuraba replies stubbornly...

[sarisinema]

An Underrated Gem: Jean Eustache's The Mother and the Whore (1973), A Review of the Film and A Rant About the ''Man-child'' Trope in French Cinema

Blog Post #7

Youtube is a great place to watch old and long foreign films with subtitles, even if they are of the worst quality. In 2020, when we all had to stay at home, I was watching all the films I could find from La Nouvelle Vague, when all the films by Godard, Truffaut and Rohmer were finished, I came across a relatively unknown director whose name is Jean Eustache, best known for his film ''La Maman et la Putain''. The title of the film sounded wild to me, so I went for it, ignoring the quality and length. The film begins with a young man, Alexandre, who wakes up in a woman's bed and decides to declare his love to another woman. Alex is a dreamer, he likes to talk about politics, art and philosophy; he thinks he is a hopeless romantic and a naive man, maybe a bit lost in the modern world. But outwardly, Alex is an unemployed young man who is a burden to everyone he meets because he is open about his needs and is not ashamed to get a little 'help' from the women in his life. He lives with an older woman with whom he sometimes sleeps, and he is fine with the fact that this woman sometimes brings another man to have sex with, to the bed where Alexandre sleeps. Alex spends his life looking at girls on the streets of Paris or sitting in cafés chatting with his "enlightened" friend because he has nothing else to do. On the day he learns that his ex-lover, whom he wants to marry, is engaged, he meets Verinoka, an open-minded nurse, in a café. Alex is unfamiliar with Veronika's unconventional honesty, and she will shake the young man's views on sexuality and relationships.

Veronika and Alexandre, La Maman et La Putain

The film is about disappointed youth after the events of '68, about bohemian life, about people who try to be nihilistic, but when confronted with real emotions they mess everything up and seem "reckless". The director wrote long monologues for Alexandre's character. The two women and we listen to Alexandre's ideas over and over again. Alex is an egoist, someone who, thanks to his devil's feather, is able to get out of situations in which he is helpless. He has a blunt attitude to relationships and women, thinking he knows everything. Because of his relaxed attitude, women had to play the "cool, uncaring" girl in their relationships with him. Whenever Marie, the character he lives with at home, gets frustrated, she shuts up and looks at her own life because of Alex's nonchalance, but underneath there is an undercurrent of ugliness and defiance. In fact, the film shows that people who appear to be very open do not express their true feelings and thoughts just to keep their image intact. While the character of Veronika at the beginning of the film presents the image of an uncaring woman who sleeps with everyone, who is not afraid to tell Alexandre that she desires him, who expresses her sexual desires, we see that she does not reveal a side of herself.

Her "putain" side is a defence mechanism against the men around her, it is the easiest way for her to communicate with them and live her sexuality, but she expects love, honesty (not indiscretion under this bohemian guise) and understanding from a relationship. She even expresses that she wants to be a "maman". Although the director has chosen Alex as the childish protagonist, the character he really wants to draw our attention to is Veronika. He shows the overwhelming difference between the emotional and social capacities of young men and women, and how the term "sexual freedom" affects women and men differently and what this term means to them. It also shows how most men don't know shit about a woman's psyche, which has been given so many rights in a society that is still not sure how to adapt to the new order. The confusion caused by this "excessive" freedom and the state of women in the modern world, torn between being a "woman of the house", a "mother of their children" and having a career and being able to live their sexuality freely, is portrayed through the character of Veronika. At a time when women are so confused and overwhelmed by this dilemma, men like Alex, who is literally a man-child (which can be seen in almost every film of Godard's early career and in Rohmer's Six Moral Tales and Tales of Seasons), become the most insufferable character of all. Eustache doesn't "punish" or "change" his character Alex because of the women in his presence, but Rohmer and Godard certainly do.

I think Rohmer's whole career is about human interactions and relationships, he's one of the most successful directors when it comes to portraying women in the modern world and male characters who don't understand a thing about the psyche of the women around them, but pretend to be the expert on relationships and how to deal with a woman. Rohmer's films become satires on this man-child who thinks he knows everything about women, sex and life, meets a woman or several women, tries to manipulate his way out of every situation he encounters, and Rohmer destroys this man's ego throughout the film. His most famous films, Love in the Afternoon (1972), My Night at Maud's (1967), Claire's Knee (1970), La Collectionneuse (1967), are about a man who has very strong opinions about how a woman should look and behave, who starts to lust after the woman he seems to hate and criticise. In La Collectionneuse, the main character, Adrien, was forced to live in a villa with a woman, Haidee, who was a friend of a friend of his. He had a very low opinion of her because she had many sexual partners and was very open about it. At the end of the film, he was desperate to sleep with her, to "show her" that he was the best in bed among all the other men, but later the girl was indifferent to him and he was humiliated.

Adrien and Haidee, La Collectionneuse

For Godard, the most important of his films to have a male child protagonist is Masculin-Feminin - the main character, Paul the, is so preoccupied with himself and his surveys that he doesn't notice his girlfriend is having a lesbian affair. At the end of the film, Godard punishes his ''ignorance'' by having the girls push him out of a window.

Paul, Masculin Feminin

Although these man-child characters are at times insufferable, they are such fun to watch, and their ego's are silenced in the New Wave movies. It is a great trope to deal with the issue of modernity and so-called sexual freedom, which is still not so free for women, and the clash between the social-emotional capacity of a male and the modern woman's.

[imitationgame77]

Modes of Media etc (and Murderbot)

(This is not a meta. Just a kind of reflection on my addiction to the muderbot series.)

I enjoy reading, listening, and watching, but usually prefer reading to other ways of consuming (not sure it is the right word) stories. That is mainly because it is the most self-paced and I can pause anytime I want to savour it, or get puzzled over, go back a few pages to check, and so on. It also gives me the freedom to use my mental imagery - how it looks like, how it sounds like, how it smells like, and even how it feels like. If I watch a dramatised version afterwords, I can enjoy that, too. Even though they often have to edit them to make it shorter, less complex, etc., but it can give the images that I may have failed to create myself. Like, I could not have created that vast and beautiful cinematography of the Lord of the Rings.

I started listening to audiobooks about 2 years ago. I had had listened to some before that, but I started a subscription following my friend's recommendation. At first, I found it slightly stressful, because while it was handy to enjoy 'reading' while commuting to work, I often got distracted by outside stimuli. I also found that I needed to like the narrations as well as the story itself. With nonfiction, I find female (or higher pitched) voice easier to listen to, as it is less likely to be drowned out by train noises. But for fictions, I found a woman doing a man's voice by rather forcefully deepening the voice a teency bit distracting. I saw reviews on Audible that many people find men doing a woman's voice fake and distracting, but I seem ok with that so far. Maybe watching all these Monty Python and other British comedies where men pretending to be (very fake) women has immunised me. I don't know.

Anyway. I first encountered The Murderbot Diaries on Audible on my friend's recommendation. I was hesitant at first, because, I had watched some Sci-Fi dramas like Star Trek, but I had not read many sicence fiction or non-fiction, and was not sure my imagery skills were up to understanding it. Also, without any prior information, the word "Murderbot" gave me an impression of a horror-sci-fi. Like, a friendly domestic robot going on sudden murder-rampage type. So, I looked up some brief introduction of All Systems Red, and decided it to give it a try. With Audible subscription fee at £7.99 per month, I generally went for longer titles than 3 hours and 17 minutes (All Systems Red, by Kevin R. Free). (I am that shallow, I know. At primary school in Japan when we were allowed to take out 3 books max during summer holiday, I used to select them by their thickness...) Fortunately, the first 3 novellas were free to subscribers!

It was confusing at first. To a novice Sci-Fi reader, concepts like HubSystem, SecSystem, terraforming, feed communication, etc were a lot to take in. Also, there were lots of characters whose names were unfamiliar to me (maybe easy enough to native English speakers fluent in fantasy and sci-fi?), and it was impossible to keep track of who was who (except Dr Mensah and perhaps Gurathin), when I was just helplessly listening to the audiobook.

Nevertheless, I got hooked quite quickly. Murderbot is a very relatable character, and fortunately, the story did not start with its grim history - it started with its journey to learn to live with autonomy and to interact with people around it as a person, instead of a robot or an appliance. I loved its snarky and self-deprecating, but actually caring and vulnerable character.

I also liked the narration a lot. Kevin R. Free narrates with various voices and acting, but never overacting. He still leaves enough to our imaginations. At least that is how I feel. But since it was still difficult to understand with audio only, I got a Kindle version as well. Seeing all the unfamiliar names and terms spelt out was immensely helpful. But as I moved onto later books, I started having more and more of emotions. And wanted to revisit here and there to savour again, as well as analyse my reactions. So I ended up buying hardback editions as well. I don't think I have ever bought 3 versions of a book. And it was rather expensive, too. I don't have subscriptions to Apple TV, but I have the feeling that I may start that once Murderbot becomes available...

[m6trot]

"Listening is learning. Because when you listen silently, the whole existence starts speaking with you."

~Osho

"You don't know the distinction between hearing and listening.

Anybody who has ears can hear, but it is not necessary that he will be able to listen. For listening, something more is necessary than just having ears: a certain kind of silence, a serenity, a peace - the heart standing behind the ears, not the mind.

It is the mind which makes you almost deaf, although you are not deaf - because the mind is constantly chattering, it is a chatterbox."

"Because of this constant mind, making noise... although you are not deaf, you cannot listen. You can hear. Listening needs a silent communication."

"When you simply hear, if one hundred persons are here there are going to be one hundred versions, because the mind immediately starts interpreting - what does it mean? The mind is blind. It cannot see, it can only grope in the dark. Groping in the dark is called 'thinking'. One hundred people sitting here will have heard one hundred meanings."

"When you are only hearing, your mind is standing there scrutinizing, screening.... Now it is an established psychological fact that the mind only allows a certain percentage of information to reach you, there is a censor. And the mind has created very clever ways to censor things: it allows that which fits with your conditioning, and it simply does not allow that which goes against your conditioning. It makes you hear that which fits with you; it lets anything that is not fitting with your conditioning slip by, it does not pay attention to it. It does not take it in."

"Mind has no eyes; it simply lives in a dark hole - groping, inventing, believing, but never coming to know anything."

"The truth happens when you are in the mood of right-listening. It has nothing to do with the object of listening. It has everything to do with the quality of listening."

"To listen, you will have to drop your thinking. With thoughts, listening is not possible. If you were speaking inside and I am speaking here, how can you listen to me? Because you are closer to yourself than me, your thoughts will be closer to you, they will make a ring around you, and then will not allow my thoughts to enter. They will only allow those thoughts which are in tune with them, they will choose and select. They will not allow anything that is strange, unfamiliar, unknown. Then it is not worth listening because you are simply listening to your own thoughts."

"Listening is used as a device to drop thoughts."

"The art of listening is based on silence in the mind, so that the mind does not interfere, it simply allows whatever is coming to you. I am not saying you have to agree with it. Listening does not mean that you have to agree with it, neither does it mean that you have to disagree with it. The art of listening is just pure listening, factual, undistorted."

"When I say “listen,” I mean be relaxed, open; become a sponge. Soak it up. Let it sink into you."

"Experiment with listening silently to the songs of the birds and the wind, to the cacophony of all kinds of sounds around you. Listen to it very silently. Give attention to only one thing, ”I am listening. I am listening totally to whatever is happening. I am not doing anything else, just listening, totally listening.”

"I am stressing listening because as you listen totally, the continuous movement of thoughts within you will become absolutely silent — because both of these things cannot happen simultaneously. So put your total effort into listening. This is a positive effort. If you try to throw out the thoughts then the mistake which I just told you about will start happening.

It is a negative effort. Thoughts cannot be thrown out by making an effort to get rid of them, but if the energy of the mind, which usually goes into thinking, starts flowing into some other stream, then thoughts automatically become weak.

Thoughts get their life from our attention. Thoughts have no life of their own. The more attention we give to a thought, the more alive it becomes. The more we remove our attention, the more dead it becomes. If attention is totally removed, then thoughts become lifeless, they die, they disappear immediately.

That is why I am saying that you should give all your attention to listening. Decide absolutely that even the smallest voice of a bird should not go unheard, should not be missed. You should hear everything, whatever is happening all around — you should hear it all. Then you will suddenly find that the mind is entering into a deep silence, the thoughts are fading away."

"There comes a moment when the listener disappears. First your thoughts dissapear, then your thinker dissapears because the thinker cannot exist without thoughts. When thoughts are no longer there, suddenly the thinker evaporates."

"Let all the attention be on listening. Be just listening, doing nothing else.

Listen… the birds are singing, the winds are shaking the trees – whatever sounds may come, listen to them silently.

Listen… and by and by, within you, a humming of silence will begin."

"Once you start listening, the whole of existence starts speaking to you."

~a collection of quotes from 'Osho'

(Art by 'Anders Rokkem')

[superman--yoosung]

hi your matchups say they're still open, i hope this it okkk!! i'm 🐇

• i have no preference towards gender but i don't like super masculine characters

• i don't really use pronouns but she/her, ver/vers, it/its are ok. fem presenting but with androgynous swag. beautiful in a girlprince way

• adult character from genshin! only recently turned 18 though haha. no tighnari or childe pls!

• i loove fashion (designing it, studying it, wearing it), idols, rabbits and deer, sewing outfits + plush dolls and creaching around at night. i haate loud, messy people and lots of textures (i'm autistic). i hate the sunlight! terrified of dogs IRL but i'd be a collie or black german shepherd.

• i'm mostly quiet (INTP), i have no control over my tone/filter so i get people saying they thought i hate them/i look angry a lot. air-headed, very low attention-span and "bimbo" tier. clumsy most of time/i dont look at what im doing. i love acting valley girl or like a malnourished bimbo (idk). i'm like a dog with the personality of a cat. beliefs.. don't be a freak idk .. don't kill ppl and i will be judgmental if i don't like your vibes.

• i think i'd have electro vision just because i get it a lot on quizzes. i also connect to it the most aesthetically. id love a sword and id have a vv elegant/pretty fighting style ..

• personal flaw erm there's zero connection between my brain and mouth so i can't really communicate much of my real feelings (esp affection). i also struggle to connect with ppl!! i'm mostly disconnected 90% of the time so it's very hard to truly love (romantically or platonically) someone for me!

• i'm 162cm... vampire to the extreme i'm 100% a vampire if im in genshin.. very strict on skincare and how i look (sensitivity issues). OR half-deer.. or half-rabbit.. My personal aesthetic is ouji/lolita, victorian/gothic themes of Black Butler and The girl from the other side.. Dark fantasy/dark academia.. LOL

i'm TERRIBLE at giving affection and words of affirmation. i love words of affirmation though and i realllly jus want someone equally as love with me/if not more

Hello 🐇, nice to meet you!! Your matchup was challenging because I kept doubting my choices, thinking, "Wouldn't this or that character's design be a texture/sensory nightmare, though??" which is a really silly thing for me to get caught up in, of all the many factors involved. (But in my defense, all the characters have SO MUCH going on in their outfits haha!!)

Your matchup is.............................

KAZUHA !!

Meeting under the cloak of darkness once or twice could merely be considered coincidence... By the fifth time, however, Kazuha was certain: it was fate that continued to bring the two of you together.

To those unfamiliar with the elusive duo, a relationship such as yours might seem threadbare - after all, since you only made your appearance when the moon was at its highest, and Kazuha drifted from place to place like a leaf in the wind, it seemed unlikely that you would ever cross paths in important ways. But you both knew differently. Naturally, even the smallest of actions, a singular drop in a pool of water, becomes a ripple whose rings inevitably grow in meaningful ways.

This is how Kazuha views your relationship: subtle, and all the more beautiful for it.

Fun details:

It will not take too many meetings for Kazuha to find you endearing. He's observant, so the nuances of your interactions will linger in his mind long after you've left. He'll enjoy learning about you and your mannerisms! He will always be respectful of your boundaries, too - and with his sharp mind, he can often tell if you're bothered without you having to verbalize it. (He'll ask, anyways, though, just to be sure.)

Kazuha admires your abilities and passion in subjects you enjoy. Many of the evenings you spend beneath the moonlight or on cloudy days are filled with discussions that jump from topic to topic, sharing your interests with one another. Kazuha is an eager listener, so feel free to share your passions to your heart's content! He will remember most every word. But when you're feeling quiet or have nothing to share, he can fill the silence with his charming words - though quiet companionship is also enough, too.

Of course, he knows how clumsy you can be, but as long as he's around, the wind will keep you steady on your feet. If you're comfortable with physical touch, he'll reach out to balance you, or let you hold onto him. If not, he'll do his best to verbally warn you of any uneven terrain or obstacles in your path you haven't noticed.

You two are THE definition of elegance in battle. Kazuha can swirl your electro abilities, making potent reactions. And as sword users, you can both keep your skills sharp by practicing together!

If you ever give Kazuha one of your creations, it will almost instantly become one of his most treasured posessions. He will do his best to keep it safe from harm on his journeys - though the wear and tear clothing might get from constant use is, in a way, a sign of how much he loves it. (Please forgive him if the clothes or plushies do see some light damage, though; the mercenary life is not always kind.)

Once you've become closer, Kazuha will bring you gifts from his travels. They're mostly small things that remind him of you: a carving of a rabbit, some medicine for your most recent clumsy tumble's resulting scratches, a paper umbrella from Liyue to help block out the sun. Whatever he sees that he thinks would interest you or that you might find use for in your day-to-day life, he'll get. If you dislike any of them, he takes no offense to that, either - he'll quietly store the details of what you disliked about it in his mind for reference the next time he gets you something.

You want words of affirmation? Oh, boy, does he provide! It's actually rarer for him to not slip a compliment or reassurance into your conversations. He'll take any chance he can to remind you of how much he treasures your company, and should you decide to pursue a romantic relationship with him, how much he delights in giving you affection (and being the recipient of yours, in whatever ways you deign to give it.)

He will write the most stunning of poems with you in mind, string dozens of haikus together with your name as inspiration. And, in the quiet company of only you and the moon, he'll whisper words of devotion, of loyalty and hope.

Kazuha, if asked to point to the one thing he loves most about you, will laugh at the inquiry, shaking his head. How can one point to a cloud in the sky and call it superior to the others around it? Kazuha thinks all of the things that make you unique are inseparably what he loves you for. To ask him to pick one is to ask the impossible of him. Still, if it was you who pressed him for an answer, he might relent, and tell you this: your very presence, right here beside him under the nighttime tapestry of midnight blue and flickering stars, gives him a sense of belonging, makes him think that - yes - there are things far greater than a life of wandering... and they can all be found within the depths of your eyes.

~~I feel like many writers default to Albedo when someone mentions difficulty expressing emotions, and while I do love him for you too (for other reasons), I thought Kazuha would be better with words of affirmation and understanding what you may leave unspoken. I almost went with Rosaria or Yelan, also, as you both could be creatures of the night together (lol), but I hope this matchup is satisfactory!

[hhjs]

love or lack thereof.

pairing  — felix x reader

genre / trope  — angst, fluff / exes with benefits.

word count — 7.7k 

warnings  — suggestive, heavy implications, swearing, some making out but no actual r rated stuff but i will say this is suitable for 18 and up audiences. 

note  — this is unedited, subject to change. spare me lol

There are two sides to every person. The side that you want people to see and the side that you keep to yourself.

You think you've come to discover all those aspects of Lee Felix. Given that he's sweet, unassuming and inexplicably kind to the naked eye but you know, the rising anger in you knows he's only ever been cruel to you.

"Move," you seethe, he moves to let you in but you unintentionally knock your shoulder against his. There's people on the subway, and you hate the way Felix's innocent gaze finds yours for a second and it makes you look like the bad guy.

You feel the disapproving glare of a grandma who has a crumpled catalogue about seasonal pie recipes on her lap, as if she can't believe how much of a cunt you were being to an absolute stranger.

A roll of eyes follows, fishing for your ear phones, if only they knew.

Seeing your ex boyfriend outside of your casual deal hits you with the force of a punch to the gut. But you hid it exceptionally well. Arrogantly jutting your chin upwards. Whilst he cowers beside you, having supposedly caught your sour mood.

To think you had spent an hour with him in a bedroom just formerly...is rather strange. You've been sleeping with him for the past few months now and where it had begun is slightly mysterious to you — was it Chan's birthday party or a clubbing gone wrong one night stand just after Felix had come back to town....? You aren't entirely sure.

Albeit the arrangement is ingrained in your head — what you have with him is a secret strictly kept from your friends who otherwise if even caught air of a mere conversation between you two would invite an influx of queries. This is simple, physical, you don't have time for a relationship, let alone one with him and to mend how utterly lonely you are with someone who hasn't already seen you naked, someone who you couldn't blindly trust, is too much work.

Even though Felix is indubitably affected by your unwavering indifference, something he wasn't used to when you were together because of how giving you were to sate his utterly needy tendencies. Now he feels himself clawing at your hardened exterior in search of just those affections to no actual avail —hurt crossing his eyes when you sneak out of bed without saying goodbye, when days pass and you don't call or text and most importantly, when you're in public and you can't be bothered to spare him as much as a glance. To you, it's nothing more and nothing less. You make it a necessity to keep reminding him.

See you liked to pretend you're a resilient person. That in your heart you really do forgive people and move on.

But he is an exception.

"Did you eat?" He perks up, his voice is small. Careful.

You keep your stoic expression, looking ahead. "No."

Then he blinks, like he usually does when he doesn't understand why you act the way you do. Impolite, communicating only in monosyllables.

Do you really hate him that much?

There's a hoodie pulled over his black hair, longer along the neck,headphones dangling from his neck and his backpack in his hand, he hopes when he holds onto the same railing as you are, that your fingers should brush just a little.

Despite the way you adamantly ignore him, Felix opens his mouth to utter a passing inquiry. Your jaw clenches. And you desperately begin to scan the city map plastered inside to navigate passengers to their destinations.

"Can we...do you want to get something to eat..." He swallows, "together?"

As if he's crazy for even making such a proposition, you look at him once but from the corner of your eye and he thinks that's a lot considering how often you look past him, through him, never at him. You shake your head, giving him a warning stare.

Across from you, his reflection is frowning at your negative response. Still staring at you with a marveling gleam in his eyes, how much you've changed over the past two years just as he has....still takes him by surprise. Suddenly and unexpectedly, his eyes flicker to yours and he finds you staring at his image against the glassed doors. And like a deer caught in headlights, your heart drops to the depths of your stomach.

The announcement above falls deaf to your ears as you exit in a blind rush of sheer panic. Ignoring the biting cold and unfamiliar station. Your stop is still quite far. Maybe you'd have to take the taxi... or walk.

But in the face of all those hassles you sense yourself feeling incredibly relieved...because frankly, you think, you could go to hell and back if gets you away from him.

—

"So you came to tell me you're just gonna give up? Is that it?"

Felix carefully glances at you through his lashes, silently pursing his lips as to convey the answer.

You stare at the speckles of light kissing up his freckled cheeks, his big beaming eyes, a slightly low bridge but rounded tip of his nose paired with a small upturned mouth.

You can't believe you won't see him again.

Whenever he'd catch a break, he'd take the 2 hour bus to town and come see you, meet you and those once in six months meetings alone, to you, compensated for his lengthy absence.

So it couldn't be the distance, you thought, if that were the case he'd have dumped you when he moved to the capital for university.

Felix just doesn't want to be with you anymore.

"You don't get it...." He closes his eyes, as if he doesn't want to see himself saying what he is about to say, you almost don't get the resistance in his tone. The subtle drop of his Adam's apple. "I don't want to hurt you." He starts, "Just think about this rationally... we're so young, what if I find someone else there?"

Someone...else?

Is it that easy to dispose of you? Aren't you enough?

How foolish of you to only ever think of him.

It felt like Felix was kicking you where knew would hurt the most.

Your sardonic laugh is cracked, garbled and it's so fucking embarrassing that you're crying in the middle of a fast food joint, your fries have gone cold. Had you known seeing him this time would be vastly different from usual, you wouldn't have ordered at all. Why didn't he tell you before? Why had he insisted on catching you unawares?

But then again...this isn't about you at all. This is about Lee Felix. This is about him reducing your worth to make room for himself.

Ultimately, you understand, what is worse than not being loved back is being loved by someone who doesn't love you as much as you do them.

"Well I won't stand in your way then,"

You clear your throat,

"Fuck..." you rub your temple, the sadist in you coughing up hysterical laughs. The ache inside your heart at this point has turned into physical pain, cracks fissuring out against its surface and gnawing at the flesh like its being torn apart at the seams.

You should've seen this coming.

Everyone told you and told you you could only drag on an opposites attract sort of relationship for so long before you start to realise how incompatible you are.

Felix has the audacity to reach over and place his fingertips on your knuckles,his eyes are sad, overflowing with pity. It makes you feel small, the way he looks at you, small, sad and abandoned.

What tips you over the edge, however, is how calm he seems, as if he had been precisely planning to dump you for days and months and years while you continue to make a fool out of yourself never have forseen his decision.

There are tears running down your cheeks, abusing your vision with a vicious sting. You bring your sleeve to collect the needless moisture in a sudden rise of temper that is oh so typical of you.

You snatch your hand away from his touch.

"Don't touch me." You say, the simple comment transfers pain to Felix's eyes, mouth parting in silent words. You want to scream at him, you want to shake him by the collar and tell say something, just say anything at all and I will forgive you. Goddamnit.

In a perfect world, you think, a world where things happened exactly the way they should, you wouldn't have said, instead,

"And don't you fucking dare come back here...ever again."

And...in that very perfect world, he would've listened.

—

Felix thinks he could, dare he say, love everything about you. Even though you most certainly deserve someone who hasn't hurt you the way he has.

Now it's funny actually, how the tables have turned...back then, he wasn't sure about you and now you aren't about him.

Felix doesn't really blame you though...because he knows he asked for it.

Your presence in his life has somehow become an absolute necessity to say the least. And ironically enough, while he had so confidently pushed you to let go of him, he realises he had been holding onto you all along.

Now what was he saying...again?

Right. Felix loves everything about you.

But what he loves most...is the way your hand instinctively finds his heart when you're kissing. It's just a simple movement of your fingers splaying against his chest, the warmth of them seeping through the fabric of his shirt. He doesn't even know why it means so much to him.

His hand drops from your ass to the back of your thighs to situate you closer to his chest. He moans into the kiss when your teeth comes to scrape against his bottom lip, your ministrations are typically rough and speedy but he is seemingly far too absorbed by the exhilarating feeling coursing throughout his entire form — it's not just blatant lust, he knows, but a much deeper understanding that he is inexplicably gladdened by the fact that he's touching you and you're touching him.

A shaky breath leaves Felix's parted lips as he cranes his neck to allow your lingering kisses to shift along his angular jaw.

Then without quite meaning to, his vision focuses on the table clock that reads it's well past midnight...you had run late tonight for reasons you neglected to disclose. Now that he really focuses, a strong musky fragrance akin to unfamiliar men's cologne wafts up his nostrils.

It couldn't be....

As Felix's suspicions run deeper, he restlessly begins to search up every aspect of his surroundings as best as he can in the limited provision of light. There is a large coat discarded on his bed, one he hasn't seen you wear before...then again it might not be yours at all...

You notice how he's stopped responding to you, so you pause, leaning back, still on his lap. "Is something the matter?"

Felix swallows, blinking up innocently at you. This deal is simple, isn't it? He knew what he was getting into the first time you got together and the second and the third and so on, so why had the possibility of you getting involved with someone else even bother him then?

Both of you knew why.

And what's worse is that Felix is sensitive by nature, never truly succeeding to hide his emotions, especially intense ones when faced with them. So he is hyper aware of the fact that what he is feeling in the moment is not jealousy, it's neither anger nor resentment but a deep seated insecurity that he will lose you.

Again.

"Were you...with someone?"

As expected, your hands resign from cupping his face, you avoid looking at him.

"What?"

Felix clears his throat, his accent thicker, voice heavy from disuse. He thinks about something being with you in the same way only he has...and it causes a dull ache inside his chest.

He rests his head back against the sofa and shrugs lazily. As if to prove a point, as if to say did he touch you here? his fingers ride up your t shirt, gently cupping your ribs, he tries not to look too satisfied when you quiver under the touch.

Still you lift yourself up and the sudden lack of contact almost makes him whine.

You stand before him. A hand at your hip.

"Why are you acting like this?" You say and he notes you sound more... curious than annoyed. Though what frustrates him is that you hadn't answered his question. "I thought I made myself clear...there are rules we agreed upon."

Oh he knows — no staying over, no personal questions, no jealousy.

Felix purses his lips. The downside of your forwardness, the same utterly admirable trait he finds really fucking hot, the one that conditions you to tell Minho off when he hogs all of Felix's brownies though the latter himself is too much of a pushover to say anything, the same one which had in times of recurring doubtfulness assured him of your strong feelings towards him, is that you say whatever comes to mind without sparing anyone's feelings.

"I'm just asking, [........]," he lies, trying to control the pain from projecting itself onto his voice. It hurts to see the way you jump to defend yourself around him, as though you're scared he'll hurt you again. The lack of faith you have him, after all this time, causes him hurt. "Why are you getting so upset...."

Felix is gentle. Communicating his feelings through his actions rather than words, cooly, slowly. And you are the exact opposite — there is an immediacy in your conveyance, a roughness. You mean what you say and you say what you mean so you think everyone does too. Which is why, he concludes, his present actions are insufficient to remove the seeds of resentment he'd left in the wake of his bitter utterances when you broke up.

But Felix was only 18 then, a kid completely unaware of his overwhelming need to have you in his life....what matters is, he's trying...he really is, to recover from his mistakes......shouldn't that least matter?

Thinking the slight inhibition in his tone is just a figment of your imagination and that he is simply and indifferently inquiring you, you feel a wave of embarrassment wash over you. Then you drop down on the bed, feeling for his remote.

You sniff through your nose and against your better judgement say, "I went out with an acquaintance,"

On weekends Chan usually wasn't home, you could come over. This is the routine, it has been for some time now...so, you've come to know Felix's room more intimately than your own, the walls are a deep blue, like the kind of blue out of a Holly Warburton painting. There's an old Coldplay poster on the back of his door and X-Men action figures from eons ago lined on the edges of his bookshelf.

You know where everything goes when though it's dark. But that doesn't mean anything.

It shouldn't.

"A acquaintance who gave you their coat midwinter...you must be close,"

You ignore his pointed comment, he ignores the way your eyes light up when you talk about this acquaintance.

"He's nice." You say, "He walked me to the station and everything."

A happy hum comes in response.

Because when was the last time you talked to him as freely as you are?

Felix plops down on his stomach beside you, elevating his form on his elbows. His fingers come to brush loose strands out of your eyes. Your gaze meets his for the second time that week. Slower. As if you hadn't minded looking him this time. He feels his heart being tugged at all possible angles.

Then, because he can't stop himself — he leans down and kisses you, tentative and indolent, like he has all the time in the world, like all he wants to do is kiss. Don't get him wrong...you've done downright unspeakable things with him, to him...but nothing mediates his adoration for you without the employment of speech like these little chaste...purposeless movements. His fingers coming to splay against your neck, thumbing along your throat when you gulp, the tip of your nose brushing against his cheekbone, eyes fluttering shut. They're...they're intimate. Utterly special. He knows you feel it too, from the way you look slightly surprised, searching his face, eyes skimming up any fragment of emotion conveyed in his features. But you don't encourage it, slowly shifting to turn your back as you lay quietly against his chest.

"Let me stay here tonight," you say, "I'm tired."

"Okay,"

Felix thinks you've broken not one, but two rules now. He hadn't expected you to answer. He hadn't expected you to get into bed with no intention of departing either.

Though he doesn't hold it against you, this is what he wants, for you to open up to him again...after all. These changes can't be bad changes, even if they are little, it's still progress...right?

—

You wet your fingers, dipping the moistened muscle against the clay mold. All around you is not as eerily quite as it is in your apartment, footsteps thrumming against hardwood floor, kiddish humming from the kitchen, the smell of sugar in the air, you've never worked outside of your home station and well...in class. You thought of yourself as a self sufficient individualist, you liked to believe that you didn't enjoy other people's company like you did your own, with the exception of your roommate. But that's only since you aren't close enough for her to disturb you.

Yet with Soomi moved out for good, the place felt...odd to stay by yourself.

So you found yourself spending more and more time at Felix's. It's nice to have a place to crash in every now and then, the sex is great and when you get hungry after, you don't have to think twice about scouring the fridge.

You don't know why you put off spending time aside from sleeping together at all, more time spent didn't necessarily add to your deal or subtract from it....because the action itself doesn't really mean anything. Everyone gets tired of being alone at some point. That's a universal fact.

Initially, you told yourself your presence was a consequence of Chan catching you two in the shower one night...so now that the cat's out of the bag, you two figured his place could become the only premise you didn't have to play pretend in. You both knew the elder would be more than willing to keep the younger's secret even if he didn't exactly approve of it.

With the increased frequency of your visits, bits and pieces of you remain dispersed all throughout the apartment, your body wash in his bathroom, your underwear in his laundry, the smell of you in his sheets, on his clothes. You had relaxed yourself through the periphery of his life and he had small glimpses of yours, habits and flaws, unknowingly...or knowingly....whatever. — Felix could only thank God that Chan had found out, in spite of the revelation itself putting you both in a compromising position.

With time, he starts to keep a few secrets from you too, here and there, knowing that if you knew you will stop doing it altogether. He can't have that...

You throw a leg around his hip when you're fast asleep, flinging an arm not a second later to cage him in your warm embrace. Felix likes the way your chest rises and falls against his back, how your breath tickles his skin and your mouth parts against his shoulder blade. Sometimes he stays awake and waits for you to do it, then when you do, he grins so hard his face hurts a little. Felix likes being the little spoon.

"Are you listening?"

His vision narrows down to the sight of you holding out your palms in the air, there's wet clay on them, as well on your cheek and legs, between them your pottery wheel is halted to desuetude, there's old newspapers layering the floorboard to prevent staining.

"Sorry...," he smiles sheepishly, "What did you say?"

It's your turn to shift your gaze to your feet. Felix thinks it's highly uncharacteristic, the way you seem almost...shy?

"Can you..." You eye the mug mounted on his study desk, he catches onto your request easily, "I'm thirsty—"

"Yeah yeah hold on... careful," Felix chirps, carefully guiding the rim to your lips to make sure it doesn't spill. He uses the tip of his thumb to wipe the corner of your mouth, you flinch first but then whilst the mild shock subsides, simply stare up at him as the pad of his thumb brushes against your skin. "There you go..." he trails, eyes bright with care.

You feel like a child being doted on, the mere emotion plunging you back to when you were 5 and had crushes on boys who shared skittles with you.

"Thanks."

Felix's ears perk up at the courtesy, you were never one to express yourself easily and when you did, every time, he felt inexplicably delighted.

The apples of your cheeks feel hot for some reason, by putting yourselves in in these small situations, you keep confusing him, you know, because you keep confusing yourself too.

You come out again that night but this time Bang Chan is shifting around in the kitchen. He hardly sleeps, you observe, but probably refusing to come out because he wanted to avoid bumping into you.

Chan doesn't seem to like you very much. Probably. You don't blame him. Before you came along, Felix and he spent more time together, now you had become a constant in his life without will.

You have to listen twice to realise he's speaking with you. Not an invisible being behind you.

"What?"

"I said..." His tone dropped dangerously low, he looks annoyed at something. "Listen I don't care what you're doing but don't hurt him." He's wearing a black t shirt and a pair of pajama shorts with cartoon wolves littered all across the baby blue fabric. He's trying to appear intimidating. It's not really working.

You stifle a laugh.

Frankly had you not known how deeply he cared for Felix, you'd not have cared about his advice. Or warning....?

"Fine," you respond, watching as the tension visibly left his body with one bating breath. "I hope this isn't about me stealing your yoghurt though."

"It's a little about stealing my yoghurt," he jokes, you think he's one of those people who'd apologise if you punched them in the face and spat in their drink. It's interesting...

Chan laughs a little. His eyes sparking with amusement for the first time of all the times he's looked at you. Did he trust your word that much?

—

"He talks about you a lot you know,"

You nearly spit out your drink. Seungmin isn't exactly the densest guy you know. Far from it exactly and he isn't discreet either. So your first instinct is to think he knows something.

You watch Felix from a distance, a solo cup in hand, he's laughing at something Hyunjin said, there's a crinkle along the bridge of his nose and his upper lip curls upwards to reveal his teeth. In reality, in everyone's eyes, your lives are separate. They walk on eggshells around you still...you assure yourself there's no way anyone could've guessed.

So you play dumb, glugging the whiskey into your cup. It spills around the edges, landing on the semi-lit neon counter.

"Who?"

Seungmin blinks at you. An unreadable expression on his face.

"Jisung." He says, "Who else?"

You feel yourself getting less excited, the breath you were unconsciously holding passing your entire form. Jisung is the newest addition to your life, a performing arts student who offered to portrait model for a project you'd been given in class. He's cute, forward, which you like a lot. And you notice whilst using him for inspiration, that he looks at you just as attentively as you had at him.

Only for different reasons.

Jisung asks for your number. You say yes. Half-heartedly. Though at the forefront of your mind you keep comparing everyone to the guy you go home to ever so often, you pick out their flaws and their perfections and you think to yourself he isn't like this, he is like this.

"Yeah?" You pose, sipping and wincing. "What did he say?"

"Just the usual stuff...." Seungmin tilts his head, he's not drinking tonight because he has an exam tomorrow. You think it's a little funny that he's carrying around water in a solo cup. "But I can tell he has the hots for you,"

You laugh this time. That's no surprise to you. "Well he's not so bad himself."

Seungmin narrows his eyes, shooting you a suspicious look.

"Of course you'd say that...." He taunts, "Heard you guys hung out...how was that by the way?"

"It was alright. Sort of just...happened. We bumped into each other and he offered to buy me dinner."

"And you...said yes?"

You give him a blank look, sarcasm dripping from your monotonous sentences, how else would you have spent time together?

"No, I didn't, Seungmin,"

The owner of the name rolls his eyes at your satirical comment, "No need to be mean, I'm just a little surprised is all."

"Surprised?"

You raise an eyebrow, Felix is still in your line of sight, it looks like he's stalling, waiting for your conversation to end so you could leave. He glances at you a few times and you quickly text him a 5 more minutes. "Why's that?"

"Cause every time you start to have feelings for someone, you take one step forward and ten steps back," he points out, "Think about it...you haven't been in like an....actual relationship after...well, you know," he postulates.

You glare at Seungmin, your pride somewhat injured.

"Hey! I've....dated."

"No....you slept around with people, that's not the same as dating." He retorts.

You snort.

Wouldn't you know.

Minho changes an upbeat pop song to something mellow. It's in a foreign language...maybe Spanish, you understand nothing but you don't have to to know it's a sad tune, the lyrics coming together in a melancholic harmony. Your eyes drift away, you feel your attention falter.

It was not unknown for you to have absolute control over your life, be it living your days by strict routine or building such a sturdy pretentious armour around yourself so that your organic self remained unscathed underneath. You had learnt the hard way that being yourself in front of other people would only bring you hurt...but if no one really knew you, no one could hurt you.

This game of hide and seek had become such a long standing practise in your life that it disconnected who you are from who you pretended to be. And every time the extent of your actual desires, monsters much beyond your control rose to the surface, they brought you shame, disgust.

You found those pretences withering away, the shell of protection around you falling apart whenever the thought of Felix crossed your mind. — his heavy noise of content against your neck, his fingers curling into your sheets, his open mouthed kiss against the arch of your hipbone, everything and anything...you had again, despite all your abrasions, become madly consumed by him.

And you must admit to yourself that you are becoming quite ridiculous because of it.

In this strange moment, you realise you almost need Felix to harp on about you even though you specifically asked him to keep all that you have a secret. You want his friends to come scurrying to you to start telling you that he cares so much he can't keep his mouth shut, to be so enamoured with you that his innermost feelings become painfully apparent, that it's utterly stupid of you to not see how he feels about you.

That's not how it goes though. Stuff like that only happens in movies.

Felix responds, texting, "Take all the time you need." Surprised, you steal a glimpse of him, but only when Seungmin isn't looking. You didn't know what you expected, something more crude, that would give away that he was jumping on the balls of his feet to only get into your pants, that would remind you that Felix is nothing but your fuck buddy. You find that you always look for reasons to resent him....because if you did, it meant that you didn't have to acknowledge how you're still in love with him.

You knew what you were in for. And hoping, wanting something more....is no more than wishful thinking.

Felix smiles at you, a genial smile, a simple curve along the corner of his lips which conveys patience, but also something deeper, like...understanding.

Again no matter how much you pushed him away he seemed to find his way back to you in some fashion, just to convey that your union is not all as black and white as you told yourself it was.

You down the entire drink in one swig. Seungmin makes a face at you, the kind he makes when you stick your fries in ice cream for shits and giggles,

"Well....we broke up a long time ago," You hiss at the awful taste stinging your throat, sounding slightly angry. You can't believe it matters still, but when you've been clutching onto something for too long, be it a painful emotion or a memory...you start to think it's the locus of your life, an integral part of you. It terrifies you to think who you'd become without it — vulnerable, malleable, sensitive.

You can't do that again.

The last few weeks, regardless of how good they were, didn't change a thing.

It couldn't. You wouldn't let it.

Seungmin is right, you think, you are taking ten steps back. Just not in the context he thought.

"There's no reason I shouldn't start now."

—

Turns out there is a reason.

Jisung asks you out the next day. He's so friendly that you feel overwhelmed. At all times of the day, he dresses like a frat boy out on his morning jog. A nike running shirt and loose fitted trousers, a baseball cap worn the other way around...it's a little silly.

You don't mind it, having the kind of apathy you would have towards someone you don't know very well.

Everything with him feels new, awkward. But also slightly exciting. He talks too much when he's nervous and you notice that he's almost always nervous because of your personality, as though he can't really put a finger on you and doesn't know what to do about it. Besides...he’s not a horrible kisser either, you muse, he just doesn’t know what you want.

Yet whenever you heard yourself thinking those compliments, you couldn't help but feel utterly guilty, a strangely deep seated feeling that you were doing something wrong.

Why did you feel this way....

Felix isn't your boyfriend anymore. You don't owe him any form of loyalty. You knew that. You're someone who sticks to their gut feelings and your gut had decided that something about seeing Jisung didn't feel right and not just because of Felix, but because you're not interested in a relationship just yet. And you're sure he could tell you aren't, he shouldn't quite expect a call back anytime soon.

"I had a nice time," you say, because it's true. He took you out for ice cream and bought you candy floss when you stared at it for too long.

When Jisung doesn't respond for a hot minute, you follow his trail of vision, which instead of focusing on you, has shifted to the semi-lit backdrop of your apartment. He's too obvious.

"Do...you want to come in?"

He flounders a little at your suggestion, embarrassed. "Would that be alright?....if I did...."

"That depends, are you gonna kill me?"

You say with a straight face. No matter much Jisung prodded at your exterior, you wouldn't budge, like you usually hadn't. Unravelling isn't really your thing so....he can't tell if you're kidding or not.

"No...?"

You snort, "Why do you sound so unsure?"

Jisung's face has grown impossibly red, he could feel his ears burning in indescribable shame. You just have this air about you that makes you incredibly hard to read and it's really attractive.

"I....I didn't..."

You keep your voice, steady, calm, "Relax," "I'm just screwing with you," you say, stepping aside for him to enter, "Make yourself at home."

—

You suppose you were born to study the arts.

You never could consider yourself a studious being. When you were in school, you remember falling behind in classes where the arduous process of revising was required, say mathematics or the sciences even.

Though that realisation hadn't come to you naturally.

Your parents wouldn't take kindly to you not taking up a "well paying" profession and you fell victim to the constant barrage of criticisms, of mockery which ultimately conditioned you to think some part of you, a large part just wasn't good enough.

And with Felix gone....

You were at your worst.

The two years you spent without him were the hardest, a set of years that obliged you to protect yourself from all the hurt around you, inside you. And while the security that you provided yourself is undoubtedly necessary for well...anyone, the process itself had its wicked way of rendering you unspeakably lonely.

You agreed to apply as an engineering major to gain your parents' approval and then transferred to the arts department by the time you'd successfully moved out. You haven't spoken to them ever since...and it hurt you more than you would deign to admit.

When your mum drops over for a surprise visit and chances upon your ex-boyfriend loitering about in your kitchen, fixing up midnight munchies, she takes a natural guess that you've gotten back together. (Which you think is far more agreeable than the truth. Knowing your mother, a staunch supporter of your relationship with him, she wouldn't take lightly to your arrangement.) And before you know it, you're all having dinner.

Felix makes an effort to dress up well, discarding his usual hoodies and joggers for a more formal look, you suspect it has something to do with the fact that you haven't attended any casual settings with him since you broke up.

Cutlery clinks against ceramic, coming down with a semi-loud thump as you try to swallow the enormous lump in your throat. Your mum makes a passing jab at you, saying how you had settled for a much "easier" major than say architecture or philosophy, she bitterly mentioned that everything worked out in the end. After all, your choice is a "much fitting" field of study for someone of your caliber, backhandedly insinuating that you're far too stupid to pursue anything else.

What inspires hilarity is how those insults still affected you. In front of Felix, you act like these few years have brought the fighter out in you and here you are trying to blink away the onslaught of tears prickling your vision. It feels like someone stripped you off your skin, off your flesh and picked out all your shortcomings for him to see.

You expect him to stay quiet, you expect him to think of you as the utterly shameful, selfish being you tell yourself you are,

But Felix's fingers find your shaky knuckles under the table where they rest on your knee, he implants the weight of them in a reassuring squeeze. "Well I think it's great," he says instead, smiling cheerfully at your mum. To which she, for the lack of support, sheepishly beams at him, "Not many people have the drive to do what they want to do. Or know what they want to do...take it from me, Missus [.....]" He laughs nonchalantly, the hairs on the back of your neck standing to attention upon hearing the lovely sound. You always liked his laugh, the sound rippling against your naked skin, thick baritone when he'd just woken up and a kiddish falsetto when he's extremely happy.

You wonder when you started paying so much attention.

Felix glances at you, lingering for a long minute."I bet it took a lot of guts."

You feel your chest constrict with a sudden surge of emotion from the mere look, you can't remember if the Felix you knew in the past, or anyone for that matter, had ever beamed at you with such pride.

You wonder what he'd think if he knew about Jisung, why you had neglected to tell him at all....you knew, because this little moment is precious to you and you had no reason to tarnish it. Not when you had time.

You tilt your head, using your free hand to hastily find the back of his neck, drawing closer to him with little strength. The more he realised what you're doing, the more excited he got. See he found your newly introduced public display of affection immensely attractive, though obviously embarassed by the sudden motion...

You can do crazy things sometimes. Really crazy things. In public and he has never opposed to such exhilarating things, be it in restrooms or even in a similar setting when you were dating, there was a certain thrill to it which drove him to the brink of insanity. Felix would silently implode your attention when you were alone and when you were out in the open, in whichever way he was to receive it, the way which insinuated you were his was the best of them all. All that was fine though...because it was just the two of you.

But now...in this indecent time, he wishes he could hear what you're thinking.

Had... had you gone completely mad?! Your mum is looking!

Your face is stoic, Felix's mouth parts, then you reach over and kiss him shamelessly.

Over the years, all the things that have caused you pain were things you had endured on your own, in his absence. This realisation alone invites a heavy conviction inside you.

Because you know it just as well as he does, no matter how sincere he is to you — you don't need Felix. Not really.

But you want him.

—

You do a stupid thing. A stupid endearing thing and Felix's heart beats like it would jump out of his mouth if he opened it.

It was meant to be a secret, what you two have, a matter of uncomplicated lust which didn't require the attention of anyone because it initially or so you put it, wasn't important enough.

Then you charge to him, he supposes it has a little to do with the person who was blatantly flirting him in the middle of Changbin's Halloween party, he doesn't care though.

You don't like embarrassing yourself, so he doesn't actually expect you to wear a black cat hairband matching his white ears and feline tail. Felix wants to think it means something, how despite the coos and the caas, the giant wave of surprise washing over your friends, you interlace your fingers within his and kiss his cheek.

He doesn't what that makes the two of you now... but he would give you all the time in the world to figure that out if it meant you could be his again.

—

You trace your fingers against outline of his face. Splatters of moist moonlight kissing the high rise of his cheeks, dusting along the long fringe of lashes which cast shadows along his skin, his freckles are like dots of bronze dispersed on his skin. He's beautiful like this.

"You're thinking too much," he says with his eyes closed, smiling a little. "Don't think so much."

You laugh. "Or what, huh?"

Felix cracks an eye open, his grin big, kiddish. "I was hoping you'd say that," he rubs the tip of his nose against your collarbone, he snuggles closer to your chest. What you hadn't expected was how he shifted his entire weight onto you, lying entirely atop you as though he were a starfish.

You couldn't stop laughing at the motion, it's so cheesy and gross...you love it.

—

Here's something you don't know — Jisung tells his friends everything, about making out with you and taking you out...everything. News travels fast. Faster than you anticipated. Despite wanting to divulge the matter, you were too taken by the recent shifts in your feelings to confess to your little interaction. You had told yourself again and again — a little later, just a little later and I’ll tell him.

It could be too late now.

The entire campus knew of your little rendezvous, shooting you curious looks... it's not until Minho comes up to verify the floating rumours do you all but sprint to Felix's place. You think of Chan's trusting eyes, of don't hurt him, of laughing in the intimacy of your bedroom and swiping your fingers down his spine like you were trying to commit the undulating design to memory.

You're not sure where it all began.

but you don't want it to end.

Felix doesn't answer your calls or your messages. When he buzzes you up, just from his gait, just from the resigned look in his eyes, you know he knows.

You watch as he listlessly leaves you to enter, walking before you without saying as much as a word.

You grab Felix’s elbow, making him stop in his tracks. He looks at your fingers wrapping around the muscle, shrugging you off easily. It’s just a small gesture but its impact is so large...that you feel your heart break into a million pieces.

You had never seen Felix being so quiet, even when he was down, he found a manner to radiate a form of optimistic energy which baffled you. You can’t believe how much you could have possibly hurt him. 

 “I can explain.” you gulp, “We went out on one date. It wasn’t because I liked him, I know it’s stupid and...I should’ve told you. I’m sorry, that's not an excuse, but you have to trust me when I say it didn’t...it doesn’t mean anything to me—”

“Did you sleep with him?”

With his back turned away, he still isn’t looking at you, speaking to you with a surprisingly stable tone.

“No.”

Felix takes a shuddering breath, one which expresses the small relief of knowing that Jisung hadn’t seen, touched you, felt you in the way that he only had, but there’s still so much more he wants to know. 

“Did he make you laugh?” 

It’s a silly question, he realises belatedly but he can’t help it. Some part of him, a large part, thinks he’d be more hurt if you made someone happy and they made you happy than if you fucked them.

You shake your head even though he can’t see you. “He didn’t.”

Your fingers again reach for his, wrapping your index into his thumb. You slowly move your hands to his middle, clutching him close to your chest, chin hooking into his shoulder, suddenly...you feel him melt into the embrace. Felix’s voice falters for the first time, small trembles against you. You’re willing to answer all his queries if it could put his mind at ease. You put your heart on hold for too long.

"Do you hate me...?" He sniffles.

You blink....did you?

Felix had changed, like you, he had matured, the past version of him you had so stubbornly ingrained in your endless inner monologue is not the one you grew all too familiar with...

Familiarity does breed contempt, does it not? Well you think the line between love and contempt is untraceable, melded together as a mysterious whole. After all those years, you were still angry, still filled to the brim with contempt for him and more importantly, yourself because you still love him much more than you'd like to admit. After all you've been through. After all this time. The need to love him ultimately encompassed every other emotion which posed itself as a hindrance.

So the opposite of love, the absence of love, you think, isn't hate, it's indifference. An emotion you never felt towards him.

Felix has wedged himself into every aspect of your life, tainted every portion of your routine in his presence and in his absence.

You don't think you'd have it another way.

"You broke my heart," you explain, "I was angry....but I could never hate you for the sake of hating you."

"I can't..." Felix whispers, twisting his body so he could look at you now, “I can’t promise you that it won’t be hard but I'm not—I’m not going anywhere...you know that right?”

You lean your forehead against his, his eyes shifting to your mouth, hands rising to wrap around your neck. You smile.

“I know.” you say, "Me neither."

“I love you...” He says in a small voice, putting his hand against your knuckles. “Do you love me?”

Your eyes soften, cupping his face like this — carefully collecting a lone tear with your thumb before it could touch his cheek. This time there is not a shred of hesitancy, no pause, no pondering before you say, 

“I never stopped.”

—

You enter in a blind rush of panic, thinking you might miss your ride, feet knocking together, elbows hitting elbows, bustling all around you and the sudden overwhelming stench of people hit you, it’s not an ideal setting, not at all actually. 

But you couldn’t bother to be displeased a second you spent with him. A teenager rolls her eyes at how disgustingly in love you are, elderly couples tutting under their breath...albeit, you don’t fail to notice their subtle smiles, small shake of their heads which attested to the fact that the joy you both radiate is.. absolutely infectious. You stumble with him behind, Felix is laughing breathlessly, bumping into your chest as the train suddenly starts moving, you place a finger on his cheek and he raises his chin to look at you.

“Did you eat?” he repeats, mocking himself, a dialogue from a time which seems an element of the distant past replaced by a love which compensated for every hitch in your relationship. You still argue, still disagree and still make up the same. Felix was right, it isn’t easy.

But when two people love each other as much as you do,

it’s worth trying. With every fibre of your being.

“No.”  You laugh, playing along, “But I could, with you.”

[rayofsunas]

otherworldly! s/o

A/n: happy monday! I woke up at 7am and since then I've been grinding out assignments/classes and now this, so I actually feel productive even though I've been staring at my computer for a while. but thank you for requesting anon! I enjoyed writing this and I hope you enjoy reading it! <33 also to understand this more, I'd like to point out that this connects to the speculation Genshin and Honkai are alternate universes of one another. so for example, Scaramouche is a harbinger from his time, but he may have been a warlord in a different, with a completely different name (keeping his appearance ofc) hope that makes sense. so if you've paid attention to what I've been saying about Scara and his mini-series, etc. you'll understand what I mean in Scara's lol. his reader insert is fem for the same reason as above btw!

Summary: otherworldly! s/o who arrived as a fallen meteor, that can bring back plants to life/heal deep wounds/scars and resurrect people.

Parings: Albedo/Gn! Reader, Xiao/Gn! Reader, Scaramouche/Fem! Reader

Warnings: swearing, fluff, alternate realities/time traveler au! (reader is not the traveler), death/resurrection

Word count: 1.7k

Albedo

you don't have a vision like some people in Teyvat, because you're not from there; you're from a whole different world itself. instead, you have healing abilities that allow you to any energy you absorb in the form of food/sunlight, and you can use that energy to heal others. though, the healing can only go as far as healing minor injuries such as shallow cuts, scratches, or smoothing out scars. the same can work if you were to heal yourself.

Albedo is so intrigued when he finds you passed out in the pit of a meteor, half of your body hanging out while the other is awkwardly still in it

one, because who is this stranger in a meteor for crying out loud

and two, he notices your wounds on your arms are healing by themselves, slowly though

as someone who studies alchemy, life forms, and such, he's very intrigued that you're able to heal yourself without medicine, and he wonders if you can do the same to others

so he takes you to his lab, and runs a few tests

yes, you're still passed out when this happens, but he's just so curious and couldn't hold back

don't worry though, he's just drawing some blood and testing to see what you can do, because who knows, you may not even speak his language and won't be able to communicate with him (doesn't make a difference Albedo, you need COnSENT-)

so, just for science, he cuts the palm of his hand a little and decides to see if you can heal him

it doesn't take him long to notice the way the tips of your fingers are glowing a light greenish-yellow, so he immediately assumes that's the source of your powers and places a finger on his palm

it takes a second before anything happens, but eventually his cut starts to slowly close

once again he's even more shocked and intrigued

you have the natural ability and he's never come across someone with so much raw strength being able to do that

so you're right up his alley

when you wake up you're confused as hell (obviously) but thankfully, you can speak his language and are able to share your story

Albedo decides to make a deal with you

he'll help you get home if you can educate him more about your ability and your homeland. you agree

it works out perfectly, because you both have something the other needs/can do for the other (you have your power that he's interested in, and he's found a way for you to return home)

it's also easy to work together because of those same common interests, and it helps that he studies alchemy cause he's way more knowledgeable about you and the process can go a tiny bit quicker for you if you wish to return home sooner

at first you're merely friends, co-workers if you wish

but then he starts falling for you and vice versa

you both genuinely enjoy each others company, so you decide to stay in Teyvat a little while longer, even after he finds a way for you to go home

I wouldn't put it past Albedo to want to return to your world if you allow it

he'd be interested in this new or not so new world ;)

Xiao

you're like the traveler in a sense, where as soon as you climbed out of the meteor, you felt this connection to Teyvat and your vision randomly appeared. you have a dendro vision, something you learned was a rarity within liyue and mondstadt. along with that vision, you had the previous ability to grow/heal plants. you can bring back dead plants, though if they've been dead for a very long time, that's beyond your ability. they also can't be brought back if they've been badly burned.

Xiao may not be interested at first about what vision you have or even where you came from + why the hell you climbed out of a meteor

he's more interested in getting you home so you can stop asking questions about his own abilities/vision and odd, unfamiliar, but beautiful world

but boy when he catches you bringing back a wilted Glaze Lily?!? shook

he secretly thinks you're so cool and it piques his interest

he's never seen anyone do this before, and though his eyes were deceiving him when he first saw the lily spring to life again

but then when he catches you healing more plants, on your way to Liyue to hopefully find Zhongli for answers, he's so interested

he doesn't ask a crapload of questions, BUT he's going to ask at least one or two

"how're you doing that?"

"what are you?

the questions are kind of vague and require more in-depth explanations than he'd originally hoped, but he's surprisingly willing to listen to your story on the way to the harbor

after he learns your story and calls for Zhongli, he'll immediately leave and claim he has no further interests in you

but he's obviously lying

he finds as he's sitting on top of one the smaller mountains one night, looking down at the glowing Liyue town, he has more questions

way more questions

surprising Zhongli, Xiao shows appears when he's showing you around and getting you accustomed to the people/culture

he finds himself hoving behind you, shyly almost, never asking questions (at least not in Zhongli's presence

his reason for standing behind you is to protect you from any harm, so that way, when he decides to ask you more questions, you'll be there for him to do so and not dead or lost

when you tell Zhongli you'd wish to stay in Teyvat, specifically Liyue, Xiao is happy ngl

he can ask you questions and now that you're somewhat used to Liyue, having been here for four months already and planning to stay forever, he can catch you alone and ask questions without Zhongli hovering or acting as your tour guide lol

slowly, and I mean sluggishly slow, he's going to ask you more questions and he may, emphasis on may, tell you his own story

Scaramouche

you're from an alternate reality of Teyvat, a former doctor in your world. basically, Teyvat hundreds of years in the future. you've studied the human body to become a doctor obviously and you used to be able to bring back the dead using your bare hands. it didn't matter how far back ago they've died, as long as their full-body was still intact (full skeleton needed). though, the further back they died, the more energy you'd use, and if you run out of energy too soon, you couldn't bring them back. but now in this strange land, you can't. in exchange for your powers being lost, you're given an electro vision.

Scaramouche is tasked with finding out more about these odd meteors that keep appearing in various corners of Teyvat

and one very large one

he doesn't care who you are, what you are, what your excuse for being in Teyvat is, but he's been ordered to explore the fallen meteor and since you happened to be passed out inside it upon further exploration, you're part of the mystery he's been told to check out

and, it doesn't further help your situation that you landed in Snezhnaya, in the weirdest, not-so-warm clothing AND he finds you attractive (yes, you heard it here folks), plus you're going to catch hypothermia out here dressed like that

it would suck for a pretty girl such as yourself to be frozen to death

so Scaramouche decides to take you to the Tsaritsa, who leaves you in Scaramouche's care since he found you

she says he can do whatever he wants you, dispose of you, etc.

when you finally come too in an odd room on a couch in front of a fireplace, you're confused, cold as hell despite the flames, and when you see his face, you're immediately angered, which he finds odd

it's almost as if you recognize him... but he doesn't recognize you so he's confused as well

"what're you doing here?"

bold of you, he thinks. to question him with that tone as if you have authority here, over him

"watch yourself. I was going to ask you the same."

you don't seem too pleased with him though

"we agreed to never speak again, or so I thought..."

"are you stupid or are you just playing the stupid card to be released?" he'd say

though as soon as you burst and yell at him about a situation he's not familiar with, he's starting to understand a bit more

you're not from here, not anywhere in Teyvat at least, and by the way you're talking to him as if you know him, he assumed correctly that you're from an alternate reality, where he's also present

though despite his correct assumption, he demands answers and you cannot be allowed any kind of freedom until he gets them

you tell him your story and how in your world, a version of himself exists and that you were briefly married, though split because he was too much of a control/power freak for you and your daughter

he disagrees with the last part about him being a control/power freak ofc but

he decides he'll keep you around, against your wishes

one, because you can become useful if your resurrection abilities are awoken; you'd be able to save many fallen Fatui soldiers, with more training so you don't run out of energy ofc

and two, he doesn't think his other self would miss you very much if you're both on bad terms, he sure would miss such a pretty face if you were to leave though, that's for sure...

so, he's going to keep you around, so he can help train/get used to your electro vision. it works best that way since he has the same vision and can train you more efficiently (I think Scara has electro powers, just an assumption!)

he will also hopefully be able to awaken your resurrection abilities and if you can't, well then sorry you're disposable

overtime, all the Harbingers tease him about his little crush and he either denies it or strongly provokes it cause his ego is through his fucking hat

exhibit a. literally doesn't care that he's caught by childe staring at you train and will say something like, "and? you're just jealous she's not interested in you like she is me."

exhibit b. will throw a fit if someone accuses him and says he has, "no room for crushes or love." even if he was somewhat capable of it in your world...

3.22.21, rayofsunas

[jaykayblr]

And it went like ; Doyoung | One-shot

Pairing : Doyoung × Reader

Genre : fluff, strangers to friends to lovers au, college/university au, mutual pining, café is kinda main here.

Warnings : slapping, crying, teeny bit of angst, kissing. Don't worry it isn't anything extreme.

Summary : it all started with two cups of iced americano.

Word count : 2.7k

Taglist : @starrdustville @thechoppersan @cupidluvstarrz @ncvltrtchnlgy @jenoleemonade @bluejaem

Author's note : ahh, this is my first One-shot. Based loosely on request that @starrdustville sent in my previous blog. Leave a comment to let me know what you feel about this one. I have worked for this one for a week and I am kinda proud of my improvement but I feel I could have done better now that I have read it almost ten times, but lemme know what you all think!. I hope you all like it! If there are any mistakes, please let me know.

You glance up from the screen of the mobile to greet the orbs of the male who had entered the class. The brown eyes roamed through your face and then looked away, choosing a place in the class’s backward.

Mysterious brown eyes were the first thing you noticed about the new transfer student. He was aloof, remaining silent throughout the class. You could never find him chatting with anybody. He consistently preferred taking the last seat in the class. He was suave, with soft boyish qualities. You had been looking at him at whatever chance you received for the recent few days. It was challenging to not acknowledge him; the dude had silky soft hair through which he would run his hand occasionally throughout the class. The transfer student wore dark colors, which made him appear even more alluring than the rest of your class boys. He was lean and was taller than you.

Straightening yourself when the professor started the class, you forced your mobile away.

Focused, the educator went on about defining the antique architecture of Rome. It was an interesting subject - but you found yourself gawking at the new student. It looked as if he acknowledged your stare, because there was a slight smirk stretching on his cheeks when you continued gawking at him for two solid minutes. You glanced forward and tried paying regard to your lecturer.

Same routine, but different.

You are carrying two drinks of iced Americano in your hands. The route you picked was busy with the science graduates bustling out of their classes. You should’ve kept your eyes up to prevent what was about to happen. You soon knocked into a hard chest with your Americano staining the said man’s hoodie. Before you could lose your balance, a pair of sturdy hands holding your arms held you. You couldn’t speak. As you realized the situation, you backed away to bow towards the guy - to sputter an apology, until you hear that man’s voice.

“Calm down, woman,”

You couldn’t convey anything. You were so enthralled by the individual’s voice that you forgot your locations. His voice was deep and silvery. The phrase sounded unfamiliar to you, coming from him. His accent was mind-numbingly hot - even if you had heard only two words coming out of his mouth. You view up to examine the new guy from your class. His eyes have a playful glint at them, as he grins at your obvious staring. You quickly move backward and apologize to him.

“I am sorry. I am so sorry, oh god I am so sorry” you bow to him multiple times. You gain the attention of the surrounding science graduates who chuckle to themselves but keep moving. He catches you by your arms again and interrupts you from bowing to him again and again and instinctively makes your heart thump a thousand times faster than ever.

“It’s fine, I will clean it and it will be fine”

“At Least let me help you clean it, please?” you asked, and he nodded.

That was a year ago.

Currently, it’s the fourth year of your college and you and doyoung are two best buddies. In this one year, you both have turned into devoted friends who can’t live without each other. Sounds cheesy, yes, but that is exactly how it is.

[From doyoung; ]

WhErE ArE YoU?!

You chuckle seeing your mobile screen flash with his messages. Sitting in your economics lecture right now, learning something about marketing. You look around to see if anyone is looking at you. The half the students paying attention to the professor and the other half are sleeping or doing their own thing. You glance at your professor who was extremely focused on teaching the first benchers. You quickly type a reply.

[To doyoung; ]

In class! What do you want?

You hear the buzzing on your phone after a few minutes.

“Your boyfriend is texting you” your seatmate mutters beside you and you just chuckle - not at her but at the constant buzzing of your phone showing that your best friend is turning impatient.

[From doyoung; ]

Which one?

When will it end?

Ah, respond!

[To doyoung; ]

God! Doyoung!

Economics and in 15 minutes.

It wasn’t late until you heard three more buzzes from your phone. Your seatmate - somi wriggles her eyebrows at you.

[From doyoung; ]

So there is this new cafe near our college.

I want to go!

Please come with me?

[To doyoung; ]

Ok, fine.

Pick me up from the football court.

[From doyoung; ]

Yes, madam!

“You both are one weird pair” you flinch when you see somi snooping at your phone over your shoulders.

“Then stay away from us,” you say and put your phone inside your pocket.

“Just confess to him. His female admirers are increasing day by day. Only yesterday I saw Jasmine confessing to him.”

“Wait what?!” you almost shout, gaining the attention of the professor and a few students. The professor glares at you and goes back to teaching.

“Yes, and don’t worry, he rejected her” she rolls her eyes as you sigh in relief.

“But it will not always happen. Listen, if you don’t confess to him, he will eventually start dating someone else,” she says with a stern look, as if she is scolding you.

“I know, but can you please not scare me? I am just nervous! We have been friends for so-” somi cuts you off.

“You all have been friends for a year and you don’t Wanna ruin it and end this friendship by confessing, right?” she says and you nod while looking down. “Baby, if you don’t let him know your feelings, he will always think of you as a friend. Is that ok? He will eventually start dating some other girl. Is that ok with you? Are you ok with seeing him with another girl?”

You shake your head. She was right; has always been. Somi always told you to confess to doyoung, but you really didn’t want to ruin the relationship you had with doyoung. He was the most precious person in your life. And it has been like that for a year now.

Doyoung had shown no interest in any other girls - including you. So you never really thought about the possibility of him dating. But now as somi stated this possibility - it made your heartache. It made you experience a weird heaviness in your chest that you couldn’t exactly pinpoint.

Were you really ok with that? Are you ok with seeing him in the arms of another girl? Were you ok not taking up the chance to date him? Were you ok giving him up? Would he reject you? Or would he reciprocate your feelings? Are you really ok with taking up the risk?

These thoughts swirl your mind as the class gets dismissed.

You and somi get up and walk towards the exit when somi stops in front of you and looks you in the eye.

“Do it before it’s too late. Time doesn’t wait for anyone” and she leaves like that - provoking something in you.

Maybe it’s about time you do something about it.

Standing near the football court, you watch some guys from the foreign communications playing football. Their loud cheers surround the campus. You sit near the benchers thinking deeply about the risk of confessing to doyoung.

Somi’s words ring in your head. You feel a pang of jealousy in your chest when you imagine doyoung with another girl.

"Ha!" you flinch and look behind to see doyoung laughing like he won a trophy for scaring you.

"Ahh, you scared me!" he internally coos at the little pout you made without realising it.

"Lets go?"

The fragrance of vanilla hits your nostrils the moment you step inside the cafeteria. The little bell rang, alerting the barista of your arrival. A grey-haired barista looked towards both of you and grinned. You glanced around; the cafe was bustling with people. The chattering of young couples, friends, and teenagers filled in the shop.

Intertwining his hand with yours, Doyoung pulled you towards a corner seat. As you both settled, the same barista walked up towards you two.

“what can I serve this fascinating couple today?” she chirped in a very calm voice.

You were going to deny her assumption but doyoung cut you.

“so what are you having?” he inquired, propping himself on his forearms.

“um, I guess, caffe latte?”

“ah-ha! I was considering the same!” he looked towards the barista “two caffe latte please?”

“sure, anything else?” she asked, her eyes creasing at the sides as she beamed at you two. Returning the smile you looked towards Doyoung with a raised eyebrow as if asking him ‘do you need something more?’. he glanced at the menu card in front of him. “hmm, croissants?”

"coming up," she exclaims and goes back to her work.

"and oh, this time I’m offering to pay!" as soon as you announce that, doyoung’s expression changes to a frown, demonstrating his displeasure. Before he can say anything, you resonate "whenever we go out, you never let me pay! This time I’m paying and I don’t wish to hear any disagreements!"

"Y/nnnn" he whines and you shake your head at him.

Falling in comfortable silence, you both listen to the soft jazz playing on the radio of the cafeteria. After a few minutes, doyoung glances at you, hesitance apparent on his face.

“what happened?” you urge him. He just shakes his head and busies himself by looking at his nails. You want to question him further, but you see the same barista walking up to you with your orders.

Placing it on the table, she leaves while smiling at you both.

"I assume she likes us," doyoung whispers while slurping his latte.

"don’t change the topic, doyoung. what happened?" you urge him, with your voice stern.

“have you ever thought about dating y/n?” you freeze when he asks that. Luckily, he is looking downwards, so he can’t read your expressions cause he is good at that.

“mm, why?” you start feeling anxious when he doesn’t speak.

He sighs and shakes his head, mumbling a ‘nothing’. you grow more frustrated at that.

As you swirl your fingers around the brim of your cup. Your thoughts going insane, ‘does he love someone?’ ‘is he thinking of dating?’ ‘am I too late to confess?’ you feel your eyes brimming with nervous tears. You face away from him when he looks at you.

“Y/n, I wanted to ask you something?” you look at him in the eye, and wish that he won’t notice your wet eyes. He slowly takes your hands in his, his thumb gently brushing over your fingers. He looks down and takes a breath.

“I want you to keep quiet and let me finish, ok?” you nod at him, not speaking anything cause you know he will pick up your emotions from the tone of your voice. He sighs and moves closer to you.

“y/n, I have- I have, um, I realize we have only known each other for a year, but this one year has been the best year of my existence. I have never laughed so frequently in my life. I’m grateful for everything you have done for me and- and just- I am just grateful for this friendship. Listen, I hope this doesn’t sound too sudden. And I hope nothing changes in our relationship after this. But- I-” he halts and takes a deep breath. You instinctively hold his hand tight as you predict his next sentence. Your tears threaten to pour as you shut your eyes in order to hold them back. Your heart thuds in your ribcage and you pant. You glance at the ground to avoid breaking down in front of him as he tells you about his girlfriend. You hear him let out an unsteady sigh and-

“y/n I Love You!”

You couldn’t stop the tears that gushed out from your eyes. You sink back on the backrest and cover your face with your hands and cry your heart out. Your cries fill the cafe as everyone becomes silent and looks at you. You cry louder as you realize he likes you back, your best friend likes you back, doyoung loves you.

On the other hand, Doyoung panics when you cry, he loses his calm when you cry louder. His eyes swell with tears as he thinks that he fucked up royally to make you cry like this. He knew it was a terrible decision. He knew you didn’t like him back, but he still took the risk and ended up making you cry. You got emotional easily but never had you cried so loudly as you did now. He avoids the pointed stares of the people who scowl at him for making a girl cry like that and goes down on his knees towards your chair. He tries to hold your hand but you just tighten them on your face. His tears fall as he holds the armrest of your seat and turns you towards him. Gently but firmly he removes your hand from your face and his heart shatters when he looks at your tear filled face. He feels a pang of guilt in his heart. What was he expecting? you evidently didn’t love him back? He holds your hands and starts crying with you. The people around both of you watch this scene unfold, some looking annoyed and some watching with pity.

“I’m very sorry y/n,” he sniffs “I didn’t mean to make you cry,” his voice is heavy as he swallows hard. “I don’t know what I was thinking when I said that” he gulps again, “you clearly don’t love me-“ you cut him off as you slap him. His left cheek stings as his face falls. The people in the cafe gasp. doyoung looks down as the realization dawns over him. ‘he screwed up, he ruined everything’.

“stand up” your voice is small but commanding and he obeys. He looks down as he gets up.

“look at me” and he obeys but gasps when you kiss him hard on his lips. You are holding the collars of his black shirt with which you pull him closer towards you. A loud cheer fills the cafe and the people shout and scream while watching this dramatic scene unfold in front of their eyes. He comes back into reality and pulls you closer and kisses you back passionately, erupting an even louder cheer from the audience. You wrap your arms around his neck and his arms take their place on your waist. You both kiss as if you were waiting for this - which was also true.

You both pull away and break into laughter. The surrounding people are smiling, some are even taking videos. The couples peck each other, the old barista smiles widely and her eyes shine in adoration.

“so does this mean…”

“yes” you respond with a wide smile adorning your face. doyoung brings his hand to cup your cheek.

“from how long?”

“a year,” you say, making him smile. “what about you?”

“one year too”

“so I guess we both are idiots?” you ask, chuckling.

“hmm”

“you are late. But I will forgive you for that if you agree to be my boyfriend.” he chuckles at that.

“deal” he asks and pulls you closer.

You bring your palm to cup his left cheek. “does it hurt?” you ask, and he nods whispering ‘badly’ near your cheek. “I’m sorry,” you say and pull away to look in his eyes to show your honesty.

“It’s fine. You can make it up to me,” he says, pulling you closer again.

“how?” you ask.

“kiss me,” he says and you don’t waste a single second more to kiss him feverishly.

the cheers roar loudly, again.

love...

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