#but when im like 'this isnt fair or healthy and its not okay'

[natjennie]

really pissed off at my sister for what I think are valid reasons that no one wants to address but me. and then I always become the asshole. what else is new.

[oceanwithouthermoon]

least favorite saiki ship and why ?

IT SCARES ME THAT THIS IS ON ANON. WHAT IF I SAY THAT I HATE A SHIP AND THEN IT TURNS OUT THE PERSON THAT ASKED THIS IS LIKE THE CEO OF THAT SHIP OR SOMETHING.

... its torisai LMAO.

i dont like saying it on here much cuz its one of the most popular ships in the fandom (the number one most popular ship is kubokai, and im not a fan of that either ☠️ i just think theyre the ship you get from looking at the show/manga purely at surface level and just picking two characters that are close friends and saying 'they should date' even though they wouldnt actually fit together.. i just dont see it personally lol.. OKAY ANYWAY SORRY-) but i really dont like torisai 🧍🏻‍♀️

(im about to talk about sa under this, fair warning)

i literally just posted today about people shipping things in ways that mildly trigger me, and torisai shippers do it pretty bad !! for some reason, mikorei shippers and yumetori shippers etc dont really do the thing that torisai shippers do where they romanticize sexual assault in the way they write them.. im not sure why that is, maybe they think that men cant be sa'd in the way women can ? they think cuz its a gay ship that its okay to write tori sexually harassing and assaulting him (+acting like its cute, not tagging it accordingly with warnings, etc) ? crazy. especially since saiki is implied to be a victim of sa (or at least is canonically a victim of sexual harassment and attempted sa) by his brother..

that whole thing is something i genuinely think is awful and nobody should romanticize sa, but toritsuka isn't inherently awful and still had potential and good character development, so that alone doesnt really make the ship that bad since the shippers are the problem.. i actually used to be okay with it until the shippers ruined it for me, but thinking critically about it (and thinking about WHY the shippers believe that their dynamic is so sexually abusive) did make me realize how much the ship sucks anyway.. (imo !!)

its partly because i project onto saiki, but i already mentioned how saiki is canonically a victim of (at least attempted) sa, and i reallly believe that he would not be interested in dating someone who is so obsessed with sex to the point where he canonically sexually harasses people and tries to peep without their consent !! he is literally an sa victim, obviously that would make him so uncomfortable!!

their friendship at the end of the series is nice and one of the most developed in the series, so i get where people got the ship from, cat tank incident invites a lot of content about them... but toritsuka still has a lot of work to do on himself before he can date ANYONE, and ESPECIALLY a literal sa victim..

when he saw saiki as a girl, one of the first things he did was DIRECTLY ask him about his boobs.. WHY WOULD HE DATE HIM AFTER THAT SKSNKAKAMSK..

actually lol, when i made that post today about ship content that triggers me, part of that was specifically inspired by torisai shippers lol.. (not all ofc and no hate, it just isnt my thing !! torisai mutuals i love u please don't unfollow me..) ive seen multiple people post about how they love torisai BECAUSE they would be absolutely awful for each other and bring out the worst in one another.. like hmm.. great for you if you enjoy that, but that is entirely why i DONT ship it !! i hate ships like that, i love my fluffy healthy romantic ships !!

okay anyway anyway, i love their platonic friendship, they care about each other lots, theyre one of the most developed in the series, their friendship has lots of potential, etc.. i just dont see it romantically !!! maybe in the far far future, but definitely not at the point they are at the end of the series..

[sporesgalaxy]

i know you prolly know this shit but i gotta yell: chariot and temperance is NOT mid and fitting in. temperance is *going with the flow* when that flow is *the journey of your life*. its not failure to take an easy route you choose so long as you remember that ANY ROUTE IS YOUR LIFE and WILL still feel like it was just as hard once you have moved on. you dont step into the same life twice whether you go with the flow or swim against it, either is your life. the reversed temperance, its "negative" mirror, isnt being "too ballanced" and mid or fitting in, its being UNBALLANCED. which fitting in CAN be, but so can swimming against the current, because its not the curren that ultimately matters its the journey. likewise the chariot is in the flow of life, but is explicitly a VICTORY MARCH won through determination and willpower. it is your triumph, still with a voice wispering you too shall die in your ear but you STILL TRIUMPH, the reward you can obtain from perserverance. and reversed isnt saying you are having the wrong victories, its saying *at any time the reigns are in your hand*. the crowd might freak if you randomly mush your horses and pull away from the march in your honour, but if performing for the crowd is killing you, you can just fukin hit da bricks, as YOU choose. like its not all good and it still seems to fit your self assesments in many ways, but part of the point of the cards is a haruspex of self assesment, neither good nor bad but a way of ordering thoughts for your self. this aint fukin, star sign. even if you wanna do a read as "birth tarot", by the cards if you ever fake your age feel free to pull again, even if its for like, a website age gate. to tumblr joke, you got a frisk ass reading. your determination can be seen in your actions and past motions and creations. you have it, if you feel it or not or like the results of it or not, the reigns are in your hand and the flow of the current is visible, and its full okay to go with that flow or not, pick your route captain.

hehe, I appreciate the passion, and I genuinely like reading abt the Tarot cards so this is a delight! Thank you!

Buuuut Im sorry to say you got mixed up somewhere, my cards were Temperance + the Hierophant!

I admit, I was knowingly being wayyyy reductive as a gag.

I felt called out by the Temperance + Heirophant combo so I wanted to be mean about it lol. Yes, I was always the kid obsessed with making sure things were Fair. Yes, I have an unusually healthy relationship with my religion. And YES, I've been called Switzerland (derogatory). And YES!! I've had the thought, an alarming number of times lately, that I completely understand why people under slightly more social & financial pressure than me will settle for a hetero marriage to someone they only sort of like!!!!!!!!!!!! It was RUDE of the middle road & rituals fan cards to get my entire ass like this, so I was rude back.

Anyways. The Temperance insight you gave here is still quite fun to read! I liked what I read about Temperance (and didnt honestly consider it mid) but I hadnt thought about it like that either!

Chariot sounds fun too :-) Neat stuff! I like Tarot Cards

[kqtmansmokeschronic]

i cant really vent this anywhere else because of little stalkers and trolls and such, but fuck. my grandpa helped raise me because my mom had to raise 3 kids alone, his healths been up and down the past few years but last night... he had a fucking stroke and now he is in the hospital and its real. He's not dying anymore, hes dead and we're all just waiting to find out he gone, including himself, i cant imagine what he feels right now...this hurts so much. He was my male role model as a kid i didnt have anyone else and i was shy i didnt have alot of friends... i hung out with my grandparents. I love them so much man and the same day the same exact day, my beautfuil rescue dog who i rescued when i very very first got clean and im 10 years sober now, she helped me through it all she supported me there nights she kept me going i didnt have the same support that i do now my mom knows my needs when im in a mood like that and my boyfriend keeps me keeping my head up and walking forward but not because hes commanding or strict hes laid back but i keep going forward for him i want to make a life with him and before i had given up i thought i did everything and it was just waiting for my time to come as my grandpas but he saved me forreal he turned my life around so much so i have the support now but my baby, my poor undeserving of any pain little baby has been having seizers daily for a while now, but just one, the other day she didnt just have 2 but 3 and now for a few days thats the norm. for weeks she has a terrible cough like a hairball but there is no hair she just vant breathe and i saw both her eyes are cloudy she has cataracts in both of them and shes lost weight you couldnt feel her spine before at all and now its poking out, she doesnt seem to be able to eat as much food and her balance and everything is off its just one by one by one then the seizures so we (me and my om) knew... where this ends up but have done the best to keep her pain free and healthy and loved but at this poin. She is suffering, and she's suffering more and more as each day goes by, i guess selfishly and morbidly i hoped she would pass naturally because choosing is so hard. but she's suffereing and it not fair to make her suffer just so i can give her a few more treats and get a few more face full of kisses. I have to let my sweetheart go because if i dont i'll be hurting her...and its making me cry so hard right now just even considering i could ever hurt her in any way i could never. i wanted my boyfriend tto meet her... i wanted him to see what my life is and whats gotten me this far and to him and if he walks into the house and she isnt there he's going to miss a big reason im here its only a week away but i dont know if its humane to just not do it until after just so he can meet her... unless the vet says thats okay or wants a appt later anyway i just i have such a migraine i literally need to go to the ER but of course its my pick up day to get my takehomes from the methadone clinic cause i need my MAT(medication assisted treatment) but i cant stop crying and it keeps flaring tthe pain in my head and i just hope i can go to sleep and not have to go to the ER but i dont know i might have to. I love you isaac. i need you so much. even when im sick and anxious and can barely speak having you there is the only thing that stops the sheer panic and terror you bring me back into reality and you mean everything to me

[thechildofstark]

succession watch followup: finale edition

im stressed so im dot-pointing as i go

 kendalls okay?? good

logan you piece of shit be nice to your poor grandson

MONOPOLY!!! and everyones smiling 

awww the #failmarriage is failing upward. good for them :)

oh god oh no did dasharedscarecomfreypellets find kendall? seriously? oh well. you cant win everything. 

okay so thats a fucking stunning visual

is logan attempting a conversation?? oh wait no, its just homophobia

figures

honestly this is a really nice garden. pretty to look at while they talk

oh honey, you cant take the roy out of royco. many have tried. all have failed

HAH. peter is a bowl of porridge, isnt he

i spy with my liitle eye, something that smells like an intervention

ken also smells an intervention and he is Not Happy

you go Willa! fuck it!!

shivs dress is Really Pretty

okay that was jsut sweet. nervous greg and teasing tom is nice. tom is so nice when he;s not having a breakdown. 

huh. caroline’s...........garment is also quite nice. pretty pattern

oooh, the talented mr greg, playing both sides. story of his life, really

did. did shiv just marriage burn them in her toast?? did she wish her mother also has an epic failmarrige?? #girlboss #feminism #relationships

the last thing i needed was to hear about logan’s..........bleugghhhh

but to be fair this would be something con would know about, weirdo

okay this episode has actually been really nice so far? with the siblings and the personal moments? obviously they are all still monumentally fucked as people but it feels almost like the slightest glimpse into a world where they are capable of human empathy, etc.   it’s nice

the fact that roman and greg are in a minor pissing contest to win the probably highly temporary affection of a contessa is nothing if not amusing

and also: greenpeace lmao

...that maybe they buy us” and then shiv’s eyes went to slits

yasss. self-awaerness. trauma. dissociative depression. hitting all those classic markers baby. god ken’s had a crazy arc this season

okay i promise not to be mean to jeremy strong for taking things to seriously for at least 24 hours. this shits insane. good job bro. 

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

dream team. we stan slightly more healthy sibling communication

mr incredulous tomwamb. checking the involvement

okay greg you need to chill.

toms face here is art. ART

oh shit oh shit ITS THE SCENE FROM THE PROMOS

oh shit

aww, greg wants a greg

their faces are so close and they are smiling and the FUCKING CAMERA ANGLES I AM PROCESSING THIS IN REAL TIME FOLKS

and we have the handshake

HUG!!!!!!!!!!!

not to make this too big a deal but whenever greg tries to hug anyone its pretty much him just trying to curl his long long body around them bc everyone is so short and repressed. the only person who is tall enough to even consider a proper hug is tom “did you touch me?” “fight me like a chicken” wamsgans. but this? this was a real, proper, solid, emotional mutual Hug. i felt it in my soul. 

thats all folks

thats not all theres still like 11 minutes left

more positive sibling riffing. gah i <3 them. i dont know why. they suck :)

ROMAN ROY, GROWING A SPINE

but seriously. this is like. growth

oh Caroline noooooooooooo

oh Roman. sweetie....

....................fuck

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHO IS THE FAVOURITE SON OF LOGAN ROY? THE ANSWER MAY SURPRISE YOU!!!!!

but seriously. holy shit. but im almost surprised i didnt see this one coming? but also not. 

oh yeah. #failmarriage 

THE END

holy shit guys. im so glad i avoided spoilers that was INSANE. oh my god. but yeah toms really been stoking the long game all season hasn’t he huh. and i was thinking somthing might be up when Logan called him “son” during the bathroom scene (so like. seven hours ago - see my previous post for details) but i guess i forgot a little? but honestly this is just tom and greg’s world and we’re just living in it. 

fuck yeah. hopefully we get some solid roman + shiv + kendall sibling bonding next season, and even continue tradition of having a wedding for the finale? Willa and Connor maybe? (actually willa leaves at the alter and then tomgreg get married instead). I was kinda disapointed by the lack of romangerri but looking back Gerri has been very heavy on the plausible deniability and the limited involvement, and most of their scenes have leaned towards Roman POV so that may have clouded things a little. but honestly that final moment between them was absolutely heartbreaking. gah. now i have roman feels. specifically roman abandoned by all else in the world feels. honestly next season i want it all:

tomshiv faildivorce

tomgreg toxiclovemarriage

roman and kendall being Supportive and Getting Help

Gerri and Marcia winning like the queens they are 

Logan dying. 

Willa writing a play that goes really well and Connor being nice about it

idk Caroline gaining one (1) human emotion

honestly thats just what the finale seemed to be. most of the characters seems to be gaining access to one (1) brand new Feeling and it really screwed them over. 

thats all for now. i,m still not sure what other people think, i havent looked at anything yet. 

time to check out the memes!!!

ps. he did it. Nero has killed Poppaea. and now it is time to marry Sporus. lets just hope she doesn’t kill him back first

[om-headcanon]

☆ mc catching the obey me brothers crying

i believe its fair to assume mc has seen at least one of the boys cry. here is what i believe happened. (if you want me to do undateables, let me know! tw for low self worth, panic attacks, and survivors guilt/death mentions)

lucifer

without a doubt the most embarassed to be caught crying

he had just gotten into an argument with diavolo, and he questions his importance in diavolos life

he goes into the study to get some extra work done late at night to reassure himself he is useful

with all of the stress from the situation at hand and some stress from supporting the family on his back, he cant help but shed a few tears

all he wants to do is keep those around him happy and healthy... and it tears him apart when he cant

if i cant make the ones i love happy then... what can i do...

he doesnt notice your presence, as he has hands over his eyes and is breathing slowly in order to relax himself

you call out his name softly to get his attention

lucy jumps and tries wiping his eyes and playing it off as if he was never crying

you walk closer to him and he keeps inquiring if theres anything you need

you dont say anything, you just place your arms around him and hold him in a tight embrace

and he starts crying again on your shoulder... harder, this time. holding you tighter and closer in the embrace

because of his pride, its hard for him to admit what he needs the most: someone to show they care for him

mammon

mammon is the type to not cry often but when he does, its a lot

while his brothers dont really have bad intentions, the daily degradation they execute against mammon really gets to him

he can only put up his confident front for so long, and not long after a fight with asmo, it recedes

he lay on his bed sobbing heavily into a pillow to muffle the sound for nearly a full hour

his mind cant help but insist all the words his siblings tell him are true... and he wishes more than anything that you were there to tell him they werent

he looks up to the door every once in a while with blurry vision, mind convincing him theyre at the door, but you not being there makes him cry even harder

maybe they just think the same as the rest of my brothers

he hears the doorknob, but convinces himself its his mind again. ironically enough, this makes him cry even harder

except its actually you this time

you run over to his bed to sit down next to him and rub his back reassuringly, asking if hes alright

he jolts up, shocked youre actually here. he closes his mind and smiles sadly with a tear stained face

he pulls you into an embrace and whispers a soft thank you... your presence helps him more than you will ever know

you hold him for a few minutes and tell him how awesome the Great Mammon really is

leviathan

its been a long stressful day at rad, and he cant help but overthink every single action he has made

every single glance hes made, every single word hes said ... just everything

most days he would resort to playing a game or watching an anime he loves in attempt to distract himself, but other days its not that easy

he starts spiraling, thinking of not only everything hes done that day, but actions hes done in the past too

eventually hes past the point of no return, and starts having a panic attack

levi cant seem to catch his breath and with the thoughts still rushing through his head at full speed, he cant attempt to calm himself down

he envies those who dont feel the way he does right now because god, what he would do to not feel like this

you were just wondering why your gaming buddy hasnt come looking for you so naturally, you go to him

you knock on his door waiting for him to ask you for the entry code... but theres no response

you enter and are quite shocked to see levi shaking on his bed

this is familiar to you... whether youve had to guide a friend through a panic attack or have been through one yourself, you know what to do

you reassure him this will all pass and knowing how hard school is for him, you tell him he did well today

you get him to regulate his breathing and gain some composure

hes embarassed you had to see him like that... but he lets you know hes so thankful that you came to help him

satan

he just wants to be his own person but with how his life was set for him, its almost as if thats a tall order

its very rare he cries from happiness or anything like that, but sometimes he gets so sad that he gets angry... and then he cries a lot

no one dares to go near him like that

and that hurts him too... that nobody could or would ever dare to console him because they fear what hed do to them

he acknowledges this is a justified fear as he is after all the representation of wrath itself, but it still hurts nonetheless

belphie decided to poke fun and tease satan reminding him of how hes lucifers shadow

he didnt take it well... and retreated to his room to handle his emotions

he knew his family didnt want anything to do with him while he was angry... and that made him feel like a burden

but he grew used to everyone expecting he handle his emotions himself even if every once in a while he desired some reassurance

satan sat in a corner of his room crying to himself waiting for this to pass because he didnt believe anyone else would care to check on him

but you were curious as to why he wasnt in his usual 4 pm reading spot, so you decided to check his room

he was just sat completely still staring into the distance while tears fell down his face

he didnt even notice your presence until you sat down next to him

you didnt want to pry, so you just asked if he wanted to talk about it

he shook his head, laid on your shoulder, and just said “this is all i need”

asmodeus

ahh... while self love is so easy for him, self value isnt

its easy for him to believe people want to be around him solely with lustful intent rather than because they genuinely love him

he doesnt really believe anyone could ever love him

so he overcompensates through self love because he believes hes the only person who could ever love him

hes great at hiding it but sometimes, this gets to him... especially after some quick encounters with others at the fall

he thinks maybe there is no depth to him.. maybe i really am just a pretty face and nothing else

asmo cries pretty often, but he only lets people see him cry when its over something material (ie, he couldnt get a new bag hes been wanting for weeks)

he cries quietly too in effort to make sure nobody sees him

he seemed to have forgetten that you two were planning to go shopping today so you went to his room to see if he was ready

you werent expecting to see him rolled over in bed softly crying to himself

you startled him when you said his name

“oh, mc, i didnt see you there!” he chuckles lightly to himself in effort to change the mood of the atmosphere as he wipes his eyes

you ask if hes okay and his sad smile falls slightly

he asks you if you genuinely think he could ever be lovable

your heart breaks a little knowing that he even has a moment of self doubt, but you reassure him that hes a lovable person inside and out

you hug him tightly while another tear falls down his face

you two decide shopping is best for another day... for now, you just want to talk and do facials

beelzebub

beel loves his family a lot

more than he loves food (also a lot)

he hates conflict between them and would do absolutely anything to avoid it

what he hates the most about himself is how hungry he gets... hes aware its poorly timed but theres really nothing he can do about it

but the feeling hes being an inconvenience to those he loves hurts him

beel is great at smiling as often as possible, but if theres any tension between the family, he wont stop crying until its resolved

once he was so hungry it wasnt possible to control himself and he ended up going on a rampage

he earned scolds from lucifer, mammon, and satan for this

it tore him apart knowing that he had caused his family trouble for even a second and he started crying because of the guilt

he couldnt even find enough energy to make it back to his room, so he just sat in the kitchen with tears on his face

you had decided to go to the kitchen to get a snack when you saw him

he apologized for being in the kitchen and offered to move if you wanted his seat, but you declined

beel didnt even bother wiping the tears from his eyes... he wore them like they were a punishment for his own behavior

when you asked him what was wrong, all he said was that he was a bad brother

you tried to tell him otherwise, but then he went into detail about the situation and how all he does is cause the family distress

you told him that isnt true at all and he continues to bring light and happiness to all those around him

hearing that his brothers will come around and know he meant no harm is all he needed to hear

“thank you, mc... i feel less hungry when im with you”

belphie

he has lots of survivors guilt

its been millenia but he still wishes that it was him instead of lilith

because of this he cries quite often, but never in front of anyone other than beel

this feeling that lilith and him should have traded places haunts him often, and its not always so easy to sleep it off

as fore mentioned, he usually finds comfort in talking to his older twin but beel isnt always there

beel was at one of his clubs at rad and belphie didnt want to bother him, but he really did need someone right now

unlike his older brothers, belphie actually makes an effort to find you

he doesnt find you in your room nor the kitchen, so he continues to search around the house in hopes youre around here somewhere

he happens to find you by yourself in the study on your d.d.d.

belphie feels bad bothering you, and enters the room quite quietly

“mc, can we talk?”

he sits down next to you and lays his head on your shoulder

contrary to what he stated he wanted, not much talking is being done

he just lies there quietly crying with no explanation why

he realises he may not be as ready to talk about it as he thought... but thats okay

you tell him that youre going to listen whenever hes ready to talk about it

that makes him feel a lot better

he falls asleep right there with a thankful smile placed on his face

[userholland]

long rant abt past few months. (pls don't reblog)

tw: e/ting disorder, d/pression, s/cide, racial issues, d/ath + grief

lately, i think on my blog i've been having a crisis with myself. i think it sounds dramatic but also i think that it has been a battle of taking it lightly and saying this is the internet and its just random people or oh wow, people are actually triggering me to starve and kill myself and maybe i should restart or quit.

i have never spoken about this but i have struggled with eating for more than a decade and i have had depression/anxiety since i was ten years old. i lost all of my grandparents during the pandemic and had to move back home in order to help and support my family in this time of grief and sadness. i already thought about ending my life numerous times and covid made that harder too. but, i didn't think that the weight of anonymous people telling me to k*ll myself would make me go back into this dark cloud of me and that i have to put on this face and act a certain way on the internet in order to be respect.

i have gone through periods of depression and starving myself as more of a punishment on myself than others. i dont think that i deserve to... be on a platform if all i focus on are the criticizes of my opinion or my writing. i question how i can be perfect and well-liked, and will i be able to do that and starving myself and ending my life seemed like an option because maybe if i somehow ended my life, then no one would have to care? sort of how i thought about it over the past few months. and it was over people i've never met.

i emphasize so much that this isnt a pity post. im not asking you to take my side in my opinion bc i had some major but effective events in my life and im not asking for anyone's (especially anons) pity but just want anyone to sort of understand that i am a human behind my screen and so are all the other people getting this unnecessary hate about something that doesn't involve any of us.

at first, i thought that it would die down and i mean at the end of the day (and to this day still as a tom fan), i dont really care about tom and zendaya's relationship being real. i mainly care that tom is happy, healthy and okay in general and not working himself ragged because he feels like he's not doing enough. thats my main purpose as a blog and omy posts have changed over the past few years.

but, i dont think its fair that because i dont hold as much of a candle or liking to zendaya as i used to that i get comments about how "ill never be her" which also compare my size to hers, how im ugly, how that makes me racist/anti-black and that ill never be at her level when those were never my intentions to begin with. i dont want to be zendaya nor be like her and ive never said i wanted to. i know that i am myself and who i am doesn't matter to her and who she is doesn't matter to me. but using tom as that main reasoning and saying that because he finds her attractive that it automatically makes me unattractive is an unfair and crazy statement.

i think she's a beautiful person, but i never changed that opinion (aka calling her ugly or stick thin) because i "didn't like their relationship". i just have seen enough on insider celebrity couples over the years and how they use PR to their advantage. it's not an uncommon idea in hollywood where your one goal is to maintain fame.

i did like her for a period of time, but she's not my fav anymore and when i said that, suddenly it's like i hated her and i wanted her to burn. i just don't like her anymore, and that's okay, but respect my mutuals that do like her and her content / her and tom's relationship (in a healthy way and not an obsessive way).

ik i made a long post as well differentiating racism from hating zendaya and obviously, some stans were very upset by it by thinking it was a hate speech within itself. i didn't state my own opinion, but facts and articles while also trying to get the point across of privacy. dating or not, it's always been about their privacy and keeping them safe and that's still what i want for both of them.

i mean, the backlash was intense. looking back, i regret speaking on it because it wasn't fully my place to speak on racist issues of a black person, but i was mainly trying to point out how saying you don't like someone isnt always the result of racism. but i never meant to make it seem i was cancelling out racism as a reason. some people can be incredibly racist / use micro-aggressions, but i know deep down that's not every single person's intentions. especially not because of a ship. i did a lot of research before posting this by looking up articles and watching other youtubers rants as well. i apologize to anyone who took thought that was my intent or that i was trying to have this huge savior complex.

people went as far as making fun of my hobbies, music, race and what i like, just taking any little thing about me. especially people who i thought were my mutuals then who went behind my back and talked shit about me without even telling me first about their opinion privately. then once i did @ them, one of my mutuals messaged me instantly and begged me to take the post down calling them out.... it was all about saving her over saving our friendship. then they went and blocked me. it felt like betrayal from left field.

is it fair or me to analyze a possibly staged picture? yes, because its up to anyone's opinions and we all obviously have different ones. but at the end of the day, i hope that tom and zendaya both feel safe and not actually overexposed and uncomfortable. god forbid there was ever a leak of addresses, phone numbers and even places they go to. all i'll say is, give them space, but have whatever opinion you want on them. it's fine.

im not hoping this post stops the anon hate either. ive gotten better at ignoring it since i realize its from this anonymous person who doesnt know me, follow me or care about me. they just care about my opinion and that opinion only which is just so weird to me. i mean, even people say im a white girl and that makes me worse, when i put that i am korean in my bio / on mycarrd.co as well. i think it says more about them than it does me.

at the end of the day, im here to write and talk to my mutuals over whatever we want. whether it's tom, marvel, spider-man, or dogs and cats. i just stay here when i know i have support from my friends and i can be myself and know that ill always be able to talk to them when problems arise like these.

i hope anyone who is struggling or going through a tough time that anon hate is so small, and that you will conquer the other problems around you bc they are priorities of your life and not the internet. if you ever need to talk, feel free to message me or ask for my discord. i really want my blog to remain a safe space and nothing something full of hate so, i really hope that if any anon who has sent me hate reads this and maybe just backs off a bit. just because i dont agree with you doesnt mean i hate you and your opinions, but we can both just look the other way and go on with our lives. its just that easy

[juni-ravenhall]

It’s the way they criticizing the game we don’t like not people criticizing the game . We forget people work month/weeks/years on things that players take one look at go this is ugly sso is dying giving no constructive criticism that could actually help sso. Also for example let’s say you draw something that I think is bad but instead of giving you things I think you should work on I just say this is ugly you need to stop drawing you are ruining the art community what’s that going to do? It’s probably going to make you mad and block the person

well i'll start at the end - it wont make me mad or block the person (i never block ppl if i can help it, and i dont get angry at ppl in general), i would tell them "thats nonsense" and offer to talk to them about why its nonsense to see if i could help them understand why its wrong, but thats kinda besides the point of ur ask lol.

theres basically two issues here:

1) the reason i talk about that stuff a lot, is bc i see a lot on here of ppl feeling upset that sso gets criticised. SOME of that criticism is the unfair type that you talk about - not the constructive, fair type that i talk about in my posts - but there seems to be a lot of "any criticism makes me annoyed, no matter if its fair or not" happening, and most of all, "some criticism makes me annoyed and i project that on everyone criticising the game without paying attention to if those particular ppl are being fair or not". (this is black-and-white thinking, where you're "either for or against", instead of seeing it nuanced where some critical ppl are 100% fair and constructive while others are not, and those ppl have nothing to do with each other.)

i also think that making fun of ppl for posting criticism - even the unfair type, that rarely anyone on ssoblr posts - is a bit questionable behaviour. when is it healthy or acceptable to make fun of ppl publically, when is it not? as a victim of bullying and abuse i just think thats something for everyone to think about. im not saying theres a clear answer, im saying it makes me uncomfortable to see such things sometimes, bc im not sure i think its ever okay to make fun of ppl publically who havent hurt anyone. ive been bullied a lot, abused a lot, it makes me feel icky to see ppl do it. you can disagree with someone without ridiculing them or being rude.

2) criticising a product from a company is not the same as criticising individual artists/workers. absolutely nobody should be hurt by anyone criticising sso as a game, or the way the company is handled in general. this ties back to what i said above too - ridiculing or making fun of a product, a piece of media, also isnt whatsoever the same as making fun of an individual person.

anyway, there is certainly unfair criticism of sso (not so much on ssoblr that ive ever seen), but thats not rly what ive been talking about. in this case its more about getting unfair and fair criticism mixed up and seeing all criticism as one big evil cloud when thats very far from reality.

thanks for being nice and not a hater :D

[angeloncewas]

yeah i totally agree with what you said about satire and schlatt basically taking the easy way out. it seems like since that video he's kinda eased back from doing that shit, either bc the backlash or bc his friends have started verbally calling him out on it, both to his face and through making comments about him on stream (comments as in like saying they dont agree with what he did and saying they thought that video was terrible, not like them shading him or whatever ajsksk) which is good but also i wouldnt be surprised if something like that video happened again just bc like. it is his career and at this point he has to know what his larger fanbase is like to an extent, which means he also knows those terrible fucking jokes will make him money. i dont like that, but im also not gonna sit around and pretend like i cant see the fucking obvious, ya know? from what ive seen of him when he's not putting on a show for his main channel, or when he isnt around people who both encourage and enable his bad behavior (not saying this to shift blame, ive just noticed how he goes from making actually funny jokes that are harmless or, at most, a pretty obvious example of him poking fun at shitty people, at least imo, to like. straight up just being offensive when he's with people like swagger, miz, etc. vs ted, charlie and so on), he seems like a pretty good guy and its pretty clear to me that he doesnt hold the same views as the character he plays up for his main channel but that doesnt change the fact that his audience is now full of the worst kinds of people and that is how he makes money.

as someone who, again, watched idubbbz, as well as filthyfrank, they both stated they were playing characters and they didnt agree with the shit they were joking about, joji especially, but them saying that isnt very well known by even their own fanbase who just watches their main channel stuff, bc the one video where joji made that explicitly clear what he was doing, he later deleted for people harassing him in the comments (it was an old ass video where he basically said that playing those characters was giving him literal health problems, specifically stress induced seizures, and his comments were so bad that he never made an ooc video on his main channel again) and the one video i can think of where ian explicitly said he was playing a character was like an hour long podcast with h3, which most people dont even wanna watch bc it is a painfully uncomfortable one hour, considering the fact that they are supposed to be friends. besides that, the only other time they were really out of character was in vlogs with maxmoefoe, and they still did their offensive bits from time to time bc it was still going up on youtube, even if it wasnt their main channel. compare that to schlatt who has, as far as i know, never explicitly said he's playing a character, and the closest he has gotten to saying that was in some weekly slap video that i cant remember the title of bc all those videos kinda blend together if im being honest. like they definitely show a different, better side of him, but they are also all really short videos with only gameplay to watch and he never even promotes the channel, so its not like the shitty people watching him are like "hm time to take some time out of my day to go watch big man schlatt give people advice and be a genuine person for once", right?

idk. schlatt is just such a weird person for me bc like. he is a big comfort for me, i really do enjoy his content when he's not making bad stabs at satire (bc sometimes he does it right!! but a lot of the time, at least recently, he has just missed the mark entirely, to the point where it feels like he wasnt even trying to hit the mark at all), but he is also so uncomfortable to watch sometimes just bc he seems to either not know where the line is, or thinks crossing it is okay bc its him playing a character and that's not fun to watch as a minority who often ends up being apart of that "punchline".

that aside tho...yes, unfortunately idubbbz does still make content (and i say unfortunately bc it is not very good) though it seems like he is very slow to upload and last i checked, the views arent too great, but ive seen worse. probably the only thing that could bring back his views at this point would be a content cop, but like a year or so back he said he has no plans of continuing the series bc he finds it boring now, which is fair enough. i dont really keep up with him anymore, but as far as i know, he just got married to anisa and he streams on twitch sometimes, besides that the dude is a mystery to me!

—🦷 (also im sorry if this is formatted weird, for whatever reason tumblr has indented each of my paragraphs with one of those grey line thingys and it wont let me remove it. if it doesnt show up in the actual ask then ignore this!)

This is kind of old now (sorry), but I still wanted to respond because I really appreciate your perspective :)

> I always wonder how people not involved in the fandom view Schlatt. Because wasn't there this thing about Hasan genuinely thinking that he was conservative? And like he obviously doesn't now, but does that not impact how he sees him and his content? I don't mean to dictate friendships - of course - I'm just curious as to the impact of having that audience from an outsider pov. I remember being shocked what that thing happened with the pdp fan, but I later found that many people weren't because they knew the nature of the audience he cultivated; maybe I'm just stupid, I had no idea. (Not that Schlatt and pdp are the same, it's just a loose comparison.)

> No one should face harassment, but I doubt Joji deleting that video helped his case. (I mean ig it worked out in the long term considering everything that happened with his music, but yk.) I'm very sorry for the health problems he faced with the characters themselves though. I don't know much about him but that sounds awful.

> I have thoughts on The Weekly Slap, but I think they make me sound bitter and don't add much so just know that they're there ajfdkjdf. I will say that he doesn't seem like "Jschlatt" in them, and moreso just a guy. I know that he quit it for a number of reasons and one of them was not being comfortable with that kind of connection in relation to his increasing fame, but honestly I think his complete dislodgement from his fanbase isn't healthy either.

> I mean, I get it. I've watched a lot of content from a lot of people - ranging from kind of unpleasant to very unsavory - and it's kind of a weird feeling with YouTube and Twitch stuff. Idk it's like - when I go to the grocery store, I'm not wondering if the guy checking my things out is a racist. When I see a commercial, I don't wonder if that guy advertising chicken nuggets is a secret creep. But with content creation of this kind, it's just a weird thought in the back of my mind. I don't know if this makes sense lmao

> Weird that Idubbz finds content cop "boring." I guess the formula is kind of stale and half of the content was the edge, but it seems like the kind of thing that'd be perfect to capitalize off of around now. Cool that he got married... I think. I mean if he's happy ???

> Don't mind the formatting, and sorry to respond like WAY past when this conversation was relevant T_T. I read it right away but the timing got off with actually being able to type stuff out.

[creacherkeeper]

How is the cowboi doing? :) I’d love to hear about some of their recent adventures.

OH WELL IT'S ME + ALSO MY DICE HATE(/love) ME SO YOU KNOW THEYRE GETTING WHUMPED CONSTANTLY LMAO

there have certainly been some Events Unfolding so those are under the cut, casey since youre in our campaign now NO PEEKING

fair warning this is .... long ..... you have asked me to talk about my dnd character and you simply CANNOT stop the floodwaters now. enter at your own risk

okay so basically the first arc of the campaign kind of kicked off with them getting a vision from their goddess (the grain goddess/goddess of agriculture) saying that she was trapped in a fey gate and that they needed to come rescue her

so erley immediately Rallied The Posse and set off to do that. they NUMEROUS times tried to pray to her, commune with her, basically just get ANY sort of communication or guidance from her, but the dice like to tell their story so i literally never got above an 11 (paladin with only +2 to religion my beloved) and they never heard from her, which was making them. pretty nervous. when it seemed like everyone else was able to talk to their gods just fine

well we eventually figured out that there was a huge gathering of fey in the woods (me: this might be too big for us to fight. what if its like 30 fey? / my dm, glancing at his notes where he has 2000 fey written down: (: ) and basically the fey like. had captured and were trying to kill what was left of the pantheon so they could bring back gaia as the One True God

we found all this out because it turned out several members of the party had been lying about how much they knew of the fey and had personal connections to the fey they'd kept hidden. and erley, who is ALSO HIDING A LOT from the party like. immediately went on the offense and was just generally very unhappy about this

there had been this fey merchant who kept popping up wherever we were trying to sell us magic weapons that seemed tied to us specifically. erley was always VERY suspicious of her and did everything in their power to stop the others from buying her weapons (which we literally had to buy with -5 to a skill point, not money, v sus) to mixed results. but basically when we got to the fey gathering (we called it gaiapalooza) erley rolled a 1 on their survival check to get through the magic field and like. got teleported to her. and they really wanted information from her so they basically were like LEORA I DONT KNOW WHO TO TRUST I THINK MY PARTY HAS BEEN LYING TO ME, CAN YOU TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT THEM CAN YOU SEE US WHEN YOURE NOT THERE? and basically pretended to need a therapy session in order to milk her for information lmao. she also seemed like. REALLY interested in erley and i was also very nervous about that

and i was RIGHT to be suspicious of her because we found out she WAS ACTUALLY THE BIG BAD and we had to fight her in the arc finale. and several of our party members had rl stuff and were not there, and in game our druid was away casting an 8 hour long spell to try and stop the palooza ceremony, so our party was SUPER nerfed and also as soon as erley realized it WAS actually leora who was behind all of it and she WAS trying to hurt them with those weapons (the weapons were tethers to the gods to be able to kill them basically), they got .... a little angry

and my party found out after irl a year of playing these characters that erley's first level is barbarian :))

so erley raged and did frankly a staggering amount of damage in this fight, and also only stayed up because of rage because they took a LOT of hits. but also. they dont rage FOR A REASON so it sort of took them over and when leora dropped, one of the other pcs ran over to stabilize her as she was making death saves and erley :) maybe :) drove a spear through her heart and killed her :)

and her body immediately just like. overgrew with plants and vines and flowers and basically wrapped the spear in a bed of plants and it was very cinematic and cool

(we have since found out that leora was like. actually an aspect of gaia so. that is. interesting)

of course then erley popped out of rage and was like FUCK this is why i dont do this, i went too far, it always goes too far, THIS is why im ashamed of this, and just got very emo boi about it. so they used their last spell slot to cast restoration on the space they had fought in and reached out to their goddess, having just saved her and the rest of the pantheon like she had asked them to

and i rolled a nat 1!!!

(the dm was like "you have committed this violent act, you feel so low and so bad and in need of guidance, and reach out to your goddess. and the absolute lack of a response just makes you feel empty inside" and i was like :) oh :) okay cool :) you love to see that with your paladins huh)

at this point the druid came back in and, instead of erley like. examining any of their own shit immediately lashed out at her and was like "why did you lie to me about the fey, why did you lie about why you were here, why ARE you here because i realize now it wasnt to help me"

and at that point ONE OF THE FEY QUEENS WALKED IN and the druid was like "... mother ..." and we were all :O

so it turns out the fey queen is her birth mom but had like? kidnapped one of the children of her firbolg tribe and was holding her hostage and the druid was on a quest to find her and bring her back

so erley :) felt :) even more bad about that :) and very shamedly pledged their help to her, and basically was like "as long as youre on this noble quest i will follow you if you'll have me"

so we're on our second arc now, which is traveling across the country to go meet the fey queen and get this kid back. as we were traveling my dm had me roll religion and a luck check and i got a 21 ON RELIGION FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER and a 6 luck. and he was like "you dont usually dream, but you have a nightmare. you know this nightmare was given to you, it was divinely inspired, but you dont know who sent it" and it was just erley killing leora over and over and over again. so they were like. well fuck

(my dm also messaged me privately and we talked and he was like. yeah you can get rid of your oath of devotion and change it to oath of the ancients, i am not telling you or erley why the subclass has changed and you also might get nerfed later. also level up barbarian for the next fight)

so erley was. feeling PRETTY DANG BAD and very guilty and stressed and all that. they did also realize their barbarian side was getting stronger which, considering their backstory is all tragic barbarian shit they were NOT happy about. i was fully prepared to have them be more ostracized from the party and go into full angst mode, but then the druid actually like. pulled them aside and explained why she had hidden information from them, and had a very sweet conversation with them and held their hand and it was VERY touching (she also had the baller line "you think your goddess can hear you and she's not answering. but maybe you're talking in a whisper and she needs to hear you scream")

we had another fight (we're level 7 and my dm told us after it was a cr 32 fight like. dude??? what the fuck?????) and once again erley didnt go down only because of rage

THEY ALSO UNINTENTIONALLY CAST MISTY STEP (which is an ancients spell they didnt have before) and were like WELL NO TIME TO UNPACK WHAT THAT WAS RIGHT NOW, HAVE TO NOT DIE

after the battle was over i asked to roll a check to figure out why i had access to that spell and got :) yeah you guessed it :) another nat 1 :) so erley has literally no idea how they cast that or what it could mean. we just had a new pc introduced who is a sorcerer so erley is definitely going to talk to her and see if she knows anything. because they are FULLY IN THE DARK about their subclass change or what that means in game

we're also (because of the fucking cr 32 fight) going to be leveling up again soon, and babey you KNOW im leveling barbarian. after rage kept me up and then rolling another nat 1 religion check, and also me the player not knowing whats up with their goddess/magic, i simply cant level paladin rn. so im BETWEEN A FEW SUBCLASS OPTIONS and ive been thinking them over but i think it really depends how the next few games go

my FULL ANGST option was to make them level into zealot barbarian like their awful dad, but i thought that made the least sense in universe rn

secondary angst option is to level into berserker, which i think fits pretty closely with how i've been roleplaying the rage so far. trading off an extra attack for a level of exhaustion fits pretty closely. also whump central

the NICE option is to have them be a totem warrior barbarian, and have both their paladin steed and their totem be a bull :) (they are a cowboi after all) i think thats the closest i can marry their two classes and potentially have some healthy growth for them, let them see that the rage doesnt HAVE to be a bad thing, that being a barbarian isnt something they HAVE to be ashamed of. reskinning the bear totem would give them resistance to all damage but psychic while raging, and im planning on taking the tough feat, so theyd pretty much be ... an unstoppable tank. plus i can still divine smite while in rage so theyd be VERY powerful

and now youre all caught up on my very special boi :))))) bet you didnt expect quite that much of an infodump but. listen. listen im simply obsessed with dnd i cannot help it. any chance to talk about my characters i WILL TAKE IN A HEARTBEAT (thank u for prompting my ramble lmao)

[mithliya]

I wanted to ask you because a lot of radblr is so unsympathetic towards female kinksters but I think you'll be more fair. Theres a post going around that's a tiktok of a girl talking about the "dresscode" in her relationship. Everyone was talking about how its abusive, which it is, but 1 person said something like "you all know this is her kink, right?" Which doesnt mean it isnt abusive, but it made me pause for a second because I was seeing no commentary that took into consideration that this isnt being forced on her. Or at least we have no evidence that it's against her will. From what we are being shown, this is literally her kink. It's something she participates because it gets her off and she is okay with prioritizing getting off above a healthy dynamic. Why is there no nuance in discussions about kink on radblr? It's either "these women are perverted kinksters and scum" or "this is rape/non conseual/she is 100% a victim and needs to be saved from her dom". But the kinksters I've known literally pursue bdsm relationships because it gets them off. They arent all groomed into it. Do you think it's fair to approach some of these relationships as toxic on both ends? Not just the dom's fault? Or not just the man's fault? Especially since some women can be dommes? How come we can view male subs as being driven by his sex drive and fetish but we never talk about female subs that way? Its always "self harm" when women are subs but a fetish or sexual perversion when men are subs. Is it accurate and realistic to apply that to every single bdsm partner?

the thing is tho, just bc something is sexually arousing doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its roots in other issues. why is this woman associating being deeply controlled and abusive behaviour with arousal? a lot of women who are/were subs associate the two as a result of facing abuse that they felt was out of their control, and cope with said abuse they dealt with by sexualising similar events and giving themselves the illusion of control over their trauma. that was at least the case for me, and i know it was the case for many women who were involved in kink. just because something Gets Someone Off doesn’t mean they weren’t groomed into it either, nor does it mean it isn’t rooted in trauma. there are women out there who literally started to sexualise rape as a result of being raped, or women who sexualise massive age gap relationships as a result of child negligence. this stuff doesn’t just come out of thin air and we don’t just magically start liking shit that is toxic & harmful out of nowhere, it doesn’t just arouse us for no reason out of nowhere, there is a root to it and a cause for it. 

i’m sure there are male subs who are the same as the women i have mentioned above, but a lot of the ones i’ve come across sexualise being controlled and dominated because they get off on the idea of some alternate universe where men are treated the way women are. it just seems to be rooted in completely diff things for most men than it is for women. there are exceptions ofc but, im just commenting on the trend ive noticed. 

also no, i don’t think the person getting off on being controlled and abused is equally toxic as the person getting off on abusing. 

[aangfanclub]

liveblog s1 ep20: the siege of the north pt 2

liveblog of part 2!! this one is intense and my brother is currently crying hysterically due to ~events~ and emotional support is appreciated

Where is aang’s spirit??? I am uncomfortable when we are not about aang

Zuko pls know i say this with as much love as possible but you’re so stupid. You stole the avatar and he isnt even awake to keep u alive

Bro: steal ur face? Ha. how would u breathe. Checkmate

Zuko has a sister?????

ZUKO HAS A BROTHER????

[then followed a debate in which i swore i heard zuko say he had a brother. My siblings told me i was wrong and i made us go back and watch it again. I was completely wrong. I’m a fool and now we all know this]

WHY IS EVERYONE SO MEAN TO ZUKO!! STOP TRAUMATIZING ZUKO CHALLENGE

Bro: Everytime i see sokka im just like. Man. i wish i had his hair.

Zuko needs a therapist and like one healthy coping mechanism

REMOVE THE MOON?? Ok gru djskfskjd

Yes YEET that fiance

How is aang gonna not emote. Hes so excited all the time! He’s so baby!

BRO THAT THING IS SO CREEPY ITS LIKE IF THE MONSTER FROM INFINITY TRAIN WAS ALSO A CLOWN

Bro: Aang is so strong for being able to keep a straight face. If anything i would laugh

Lotta talk about the moon,,, im feeling like someone’s in danger of losing a gf

Sis: ITS THE POLAR BEAR bro: that is a PANDA are you okay????

whats happening?? Hows he gonna get to his body? Oh he just yeets back jdskfks ok

Bro: Zukos voice sounds like a boy whos going through puberty but he doesnt want his voice to crack so he just whispers

Bro: Sokka and yue are my marichat. Sis: theyre your MARICHAT?? THATS SUCH A WEIRD ONE TO PICK bro: uhhh maridrein?? OH ADRINETTE

THE MOON IS A FISH??

Jsdkfkjs the moon said im outta here yall figure this out on your own

SICKO MODE AANG I MISSED U

Aang HELLO??? Where did you GO YOU CANT JUST GO SICKO MODE AND LEAVE WHAT IS THAT LIZARD THING 

AANG IS THE MOON SPIRIT??? TALK ABOUT FLOWER GLEAM AND GLOW

Sis: NOBODY BETTER EVER MESS WITH AANG EVER EVER AGAIN I SWEAR

Bro: NOOO IM GONNA CRY IF SHE DIES IM GONNA CRY I CANT SHE WAS MY MARINETTE THIS ISNT FAIR

Bro: Did she DIE NOOOOOOOOOOOO

[at this point bro is crying hysterically and punching the couch in anger. We are all yelling]

Bro: I swear i want to kill whatever that commander dude is he killed by GIRL AANG YOU BETTER DELETE HIM

Bro: NOOO SOKKA NOOOOOOO

She IS the fish???? She became the moon???

At least he got to kiss his dead moon gf one last time,,,,,

I swear i hate you sooo much i dont even know your name KILLHIM ZUKO

Begone i dont want you to EXIST

Bro: He killed my girl.... He killed my girl... this is so sad.. She was my marinette

Sis: THIS GIRL WAS IN THIS SHOW FOR LIKE 3 EPISODES CHILL

Bro: I JUST LOVE SOKKA SO MUCH AND SHE WAS HIS EVERYTHING

[bro is crying real tears. His spirit is crushed. He just wants yue back. His voice is cracking a lot]

Let zuko take a nap challenge. Let zuko be loved and cherished challenge

[bro is screaming into a pillow]

Post-episode: sis: should we watch an episode of miraculous ladybug to lift our spirits? Bro: NO. NO ONE ELSE GETS RELATIONSHIPS IF SOKKA DOESNT

Bro: i have two theories and one of these NEEDS to happen or else im canceling the show. Either aang goes into the spirit world and goes ‘bro sokka is destroyed come back please’ OR sokka dies and becomes the water spirit so they can be together forever

[bro has been going on for half an hour about why sokka and yue should’ve gotten married bc they would’ve united the two water tribes. It’s sad boi hours. He and my sister are yelling about the virtues of yue and adrien agreste for reasons i dont understand. Love is dead.]

[stray-tori]

An Innocent Sin & the good gay flashback ft. my descent into madness

I wasn’t sure if I should post this but I mostly want it archived so here we go. This is from like,, September?

So. “An Innocent Sin” is a dumpster fire unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember why I decided to read it. maybe I was crazy. Either way... I read it. It soon started to touch upon (very very outlandish) sexual abuse which I thought was interesting. (the angst, not so much some of the wack circumstances surrounding it)

ANYWAY. at some point... we have a flashback. And not just that. It has a gay character.

And it turns rly gay. which mind you, is still in a het smut manwha (that has a “gay” side couple, but still!)

And it destroyed me.

For those who want to read it because I genuinely think the flashback is a decent bit, it’s all the bonus chapters between chapter 77 and 78 I think. There’s a part before that too, but idk where exactly anymore. (It’s on lezhin! or your platform of choosing)

I don’t THINK you’ll need any other knowledge to get the flashback bit? but it’s been a while.

Below the cut (rip mobile users), you can read all of my amazing reactions (all of these were text messages, for context - but I took most of the replies and convos about other things out). Post is also tagged as long post. :))

(i’m serious, this is fucking long)

__________

Here I am. Liking the gay flashback character. Feck. Main dude is still straight but idk it's cute pff

This is a mess. The girl white hair likes, likes black hair, maybe, but thinks white hair is attractive

What just happened is sth I'd like to know too pff He's so cute tho omg. Watch me melt Can we stay in this flashback before everything got perverted af and before white hair gets assaulted all the time I would send an eyebrow emote if I could Context: he's asking he says it again

Ik it's not mutual but loookkk he's so sweet. He's kinda rude in present time, can't we stay in this flashback forever

I never asked for gay, never expected gay but I got gay

This story is trash why am I still reading it shdhhd

He caught his mom cheating. And now she's forcing him to watch??? What is thissss Well adoptive mom But still sudhdidu what Bitch how dare YOU exist

Save my babyyyy

Yay sister that's not yet a rapist to the rescueee

This flashback is actually just nicer in every way let's just stay here This is a super long flashback btw Idek anymore what triggered it

Okay I think I'm gonna make the sensible decision and let this dumpster fire rest and just go sleep

It was very wild. I kinda wanna see white hair get therapy but it has 90 chapters and I'm at like 30... So I'm very concerned this is gonna be very dragged out. Idek if it's even finished ahahsududi - but I do kinda wanna see where it goes and see more cute Noah (white hair) so. Here we are.

yeahhh like i was down for the sexual abuse angst but then the mother killed the adoptive son's mother bc the dad had a thing for her?? and it was someone a person studying with white hair knew and so he's investigating and I'm like how did this turn into a crime organisation kind of plot

hhhhhhh i... i appreciate these horny things also tackling abuse but it always kind of gives me weird vibes to have both, especially when its very horny. And when people are horny to people who've been abused. Idk but I'd assume... you might try NOT to tie them up if they're frequently bondaged during their assaults. I'm just.... disjdksdj hello?? am i weird?? why are they fine with it???

also this manwha is so wild, theres this murder mystery investigation thing and then theres just a couple doing honry stuff sprinkled in between and i'm like OKAY

they rescued a guy in their basement and he's understandably very traumatized and they're trying to question him cut to our main couple trying bondage which i still dont understand bECAUSE HE'S A RAPE VICITM WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS the ones questioning arent the main couple of course but idshkjds

like im glad he's somehow okay with all this horny stuff despite his trauma and im glad he can be happy and have a nice relationship but DO WE NEED THIS MUCH OF IT he's very cute tho

i like that even when i try other stuff lezhin recommends me it still has large amount of gay in it

[mei: i mean... that's pretty great, if you ask me]

I mean I agree, I'm enjoying the gay eheheh these tonal whiplashes there's not even that much white space between the panels fhjd nvm it just turned horny goddamn it can there be 1 chapter without fucking? okay, there were the flashbacks

WE ARE BACK IN FLASHBACKS but im not getting the gay relationship, sad

OH WAIT AM I GETTING GAY COMFORT bc thats very good too

OH NNOOO this turned sad very quickly

I'M SORRY IM SPAMMING BUT THIS IS JUST ANGSTY

I'M :((((

different species confirmed

I rly like them :((( I like the current girl too but it's just..... very horny with her. the flashbacks are nice [current tori edit: she’s very unloyal idk why i said I liked her] im weird HHHHH RIPPP 

someone help him he looks so saddddd

not sure if thats the most healthy relationship but I'LL TAKE IT

AWWW black hair's mom cooks mild food for them bc Noah can't eat spicy food :((( im soft

PFFF

I LOVE THE FLASHBACKS :(((

awww

i feel like theyve done much more bonding than noah's current relationship. I mean yes I think its cute when she comforts him, too, but they rarely do anything besides be horny together

OH OH THEY'RE KISSING

best buildup, honestly

the position is hornier than I'd like later here goes hope it stays cute

D-did someone just respect the word "stop"??? I am amazed

i think you might uh. have some trauma stuff too so yknow

Dohye is a little dramatic in his reassurance but it's all rly cute so I'm :(( I like them a lot pls stay like this getting invested in flashbacks is always like: ik it wont stay but pls stay like this

hELP

chapters ending in "i wanna touch him" is never good. I'm scared. Oh okay he didnt do anything. PHEW. He's already better than the girl, can't they just end up together lmao

[Noah was jealous]

w-why do you look so evil dohye haukdhjs

oh. oh no. the horny is starting. pls dont... just be cute forever

DOHYE NO YOU WERE SO DECENT WHY ARE YOU LYING ABOUT KOREAN TRADITIONS TO GET HIM TO DO STUFF HORNY STUFF TOO NO PLS STOP I JUST- WHEEE TvT the manwha is actually less visually horny in the flashbacks but im not sure if its bc its BL which isnt rly the genre of the manwha or if its bc they're still kids basically, which... I'd respect the latter, tho I'd prefer it to be like this constantly haha

okay. he's not respecting stop anymore, but it's also more of embarrassed nature more than "no i dont want this stop" so maybe i can forgive it. Still losing points, but he hugged him and it was sweet so HHHHHHHHHHH NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD JUDGE THIS SITUATION

They [Noah’s family] forbid him to visit his friends house I AM DEVASTATED

understandable they're a rapist, a fucked up murderer mother and a father with a thing for younger women so

tho he dont know any of that but yknow he's so pretty just fucking end me on the spot

hooo

they are boyfriends and ik from the future that his sister is gonna ruin it allll she has those drugs that make visual imaginations feel like they rly happened to the person (dont know if thats real but holy fuck its terrifying) and she's used it before to say that Noah assualted her. and im pretty sure shes gonna use it again bc there was a panel of Noah remembering Dohye being uhhhh intimate with her and thats why Noah began to hate him and im so sad im not ready for it. bc he's denied it in the future and i honestly couldnt see it happening even before that or she drugged Dohye, i guess thats a possibility too

[current tori: oh girl, it’s neither and it’s wack]

which if, btich you gonna die even more enough rambling, more reading. this makes me so sad but also spicy

on the manwha note, he thinks Noah doesnt like his family bc he's adopted and doesnt feel comfy which....... fair enough i suppose. and he's so cute im gonna melt just looK AT THIS 

SHUt UP, IM GONNA CRY

OH MY GODDDD he ate like ice and gum and all that, and Dohye assumed it was bc of the more spicy food and got rl worried, but he was just trying to get the smell out of his breath bc he wanted to kiss him ukhsdjs HOW CAN YOU BE SO CUTE HELLLOOOOOOOOO

look at them. LOOK AT mY BABIESSSS

how am i ever gonna care about the main couple again aww he-he wanted to go to the same highschool as him :((( im sad bc i know its not gonna happennnnnn

[mei: also at this point, you're literally never gonna care about them. i don't even know the main couple that well and i honestly don't care about them whatsoever.]

WAIT NO they're actually going to the same school awww ik it wont take long until sister fucks it up for them but for now theyre so sweet ohmygodddd

cant he move in with them, fuck his family honestly

dohye he's not a fucking pokemon iukhsdjs

oh. its. turning horny i am displeased with this development but i guess its natural for their relationship however COULD YOU DO IT AT HOME AND NOT IN SOME DUSTY SMALL ROOM how do ppl do this i like that the comments too are just "... is anyone still carng about the other girl?" sakjds

this is the best 3 panels in existence.

h-he just took your hand dohye idk what to tell you

[mei: "you blush at everything i do" god if that isn't me, idk what is]

awww its cute dohye is getting bonus points bc he invited Noah over while his mom wasnt home, they watched some sexual stuff and he DIDNT try to do anything what is this where can i get more of this

"well im not okay"

MY BABIESSSS 

they still didnt do much btw they're just kinda exploring and its honestly nice TvT I dont want this to ever endddd

[Dohye sees Noah’s sister and approaches her] N O

N OOOO

this is the starttttt of something.......... TERRIBLEEEE 

:((( babyyyy

I AM EMO

Noah was drugged im sure. hes having dreams and waking up in pain and the sister is asking doyhe over I DONT LIKE THISSSSSSS OH HE DECLINED

OKAY OKAY he saw him with her again but it was from behind and im not sure if it rly happened??? oh no this is terrible. Noah :((( poor child

i am so emo about this

[reminder he’s been abused TvT]

[the sister: “Don’t you want to know why?”]

i will. murder someone he called to ask her to delete his number btw what is this manwha but this is just gonna make it that more tragic when whatever happens that breaks them apart :(((

he's such a good bf but Noah just wont TELL him his side I'M SO SAD

I AM SO SAD

No

NO

It cant end im actually tearing up nooo you were so cuteeee and happpyyy

[*sister is telling dohye to come to the gym hall*]

what else is she gonna do she already teared [current tori: ahem... T O R E] them apart THAT'S NOT DOYhE. THATS NEVER HIM. OH MY GOD. is it a look alike??? damn, she's dedicated to just. ruining it, huh

I’M

I’M SO SAD

now he's switching SCHOOLS NO NOOOOO how will i ever find happiness againnnn NO they're misunderstanding further they're not talking properly i mean i get it but oh my god

I'M :((( 

NO NOOOO pls make up in the future at least omg he tried to clear it up tooo ahhh i dont even have hopes for them getting back together but i just i want them to clear it up im crying first manwha to make me cry and it's this dumpster fire ahaha maybe a little too bc it kinda hit a little close to home i guess but goddamnn ittttt they were so cuteee and so happy and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH NO. Noahs getting drugged and assaulted. And he's realizing it happened before, he just forgot. I am. so sad it's not horny drawn either which i appreciate but MY HEART NO

N O DONT YOU DARE MAKE THIS WORSE

Im. gonna cry more 

Doyhe kept an eye on him im so emo :(( but he thought he was doing well enough and gave up.... Im im so sad no i want you to make up and get back together its all just a stupid........... MEHHHH will i ever find sth like this flashback again

[mei: p-probably not, no]

i am so devasted i dont even wanna go back to the main couple just fucking. i want this relationship back :(((( but i guess the investigation might end up somewhere so hhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh the baker manwha had a similar flashback feeling so. i just gotta find more of that haha

BUT THIS WAS SO SAD??? im so emo

[Dohye got kidnapped // the flashback commentary stops here but I think my descend into madness is pretty funny too]

OH YEAH THAT HAPPENED. THE FLASHBACK WAS SO LONG I FORGOT. NOOOO SAVE HIM. JESUS CHRIST PLS JUST ONE GOOD THING

its. actually rly smart to have another, more focused on them flashback, before the arc where he gets kidnapped by the rapist murder household so. good job. from a meta perspective but also NO but also. maybe theres hope for them making up at least after all :(((

[main couple kissing] this is. very weird now. but im glad he has someone, he deserves it but dohyeeeee

and switching to sex, YET AGAIN now i wanna see this EVEN LESS THAN I DID BEFOREEEE it's even.... a threesome now with one of the other characters why are you like this why can't you be. like in the flashback i am so upset HAHHHHH WHEEEZEEEE

I am just stop fucking jesus christ PLEASE I DONT WANNA SEE IT ANYMOREEEEE

im just stop the horny pls just tell me who that new guy is and why doyhe likes him so much

[mei: this manwha is a fucking mess but at least we got your lovely commentary out of it]

dhsuksj thanks i feel honored at least i got cute BL out of it before everything went [back] to shit

[mei: THAT TOO]

[...]

tbh im getting kinda mad about doyhe... i dont... feel like he'd just fall instantly for a guy who looks like Noah... but eh not my character

i just want closure for dohye at this point, fuck everything else ... not literally pls theres already too much of that

pls get it together for like 1 chapter is the investigation even still happening i am so confused save dohye plEASE wait what i have less than 10 episodes left Dont tell me this shit isnt even wrapped up yet

[Dohye is having a breakdown over the Noah double not coming to see him anymore]

yeah i this... doesnt feel like Dohye... at all... Even when Noah was rejecting him he was just kind of... taking it with some humor and maybe he was a little desperate and risky sometimes but... oh well... i do want him to get better but... im having a hard time believeing this development??? he never seemed overly anxious or anything. but who knows what else they did to him. Sister can still go fuck off tho

[...]

i mean. i liked the flashbacks a lot honestly??? it stayed simple and focused on the dynamics and less trying to balance smut with murder plots

[dm partner: NO THAT'S WHAT I MEAN LIKE CLEARLY THE AUTHOR CAN MAKE A GOOD STORY SO I'M JUST... CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY DIDN'T STICK WITH SOME SOFT, FLUFFY BL ROMANCE MANWHA AND DECIDED TO MAKE WHATEVER THIS IS INSTEAD ]

okay i dont care bc dohye is currently getting assaulted nobody asked for this why i just. this is terrible. he was... so sweet. he doesnt deserve this. nobody does of course but jesus christ pls someone save him at least its not horny visually, one saving grace

ah... the assult is back to being depicted horny-ly thank you for nothing

[... removed some general confusion about the plot]

YES. SOME SHIP FOOD.

i am. suffering i mean i cant stop but GOD

okay so apparantly. the sister. has just an arsenal of people who look like other people Dohye, then Noah... and even Noah's GF??? this is ridiculous??

one good message 

why 

did you feel the need to add that [actual tired rage]

im gonna die this manwha is gonna kill me im laughing but im suffering oh hes arrested great and thats the end and the last update was in january of this year

why AS IN NOAH IS ARRESTED nobody who actually did anything is arrested What is this why is this AHHH I at least wanted the complete-ness of finishing this but now I'M JUST SUFFERING

[ mei: I MEAN TO BE FAIR I'D BE SUFFERING TOO BC JUST... WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE?? MANY QUESTIONS?? AND MANY CONCERNS BC THIS MANWHA IS JUST... AN EXPERIENCE ]

its an experience allright WELL

_______________

yup that’s it.

in my head, in a twist of events Dohye and Noah make up and are actual endgame. Something like that must exist out there but I won’t ask because it’d destroy the surprise and ruin the point.

That’s it.

Have a nice day.

[volperion-moved]

i think people take it too far when they force their traumas and issues on fictional characters or just fiction in general, its fine if you relate to a character and if the character helps you to overcome you struggles but you gotta always remind yourself that at the end of the day it's a fiction that shouldn't be taken as seriously like they are a real person and all.

honestly yeah like ik you cant always help it... n especially there are some characters in fiction that are supposed to make you uncomfortable because they're from horror or they're v bigoted or something, and that might be too much to handle if it's 'too real'

but when i see ppl shit on lila or other mean girl characters or even benign ass characters like luka bc they're like an ex or something... its just like... ok but that isnt really anyone elses problem..? i like lila and ill justify liking her but im not gonna tell you why your bullies/abusers/etc. are okay too or anything because i dont know them i dont know you and it is wrong to bully/abuse someone in real life... acting like thats what im doing when i say i like lila isnt fair

i think this fandom especially treats the characters as if they are real people instead of fictional characters. so everyone talks about how awful lila is because of the things she's done as if she's not a villain written to create conflict and serves that purpose fine..? and when people point out the misogyny in adrien's writing, they jump to defend the kid by saying he's being abused at home, doesn't know better when he does the wrong thing, etc. when the story was written that way to justify him being easily forgiven for what he does (or not even face consequences at all) because he's so sad. we're not invalidating that his home life is the cause of a lot of his flaws, but it'd be nice for the narrative to actually treat them as flaws he needs to change because he faces consequences for them, instead of it being easily hand waved and making maribug actually have the entire burden of responsibility.

+you have this subset of the fandom that shames gabenath because gabriel is married so it's infidelity, which some gabenath shippers turn around and try to look for aspects of the show that 'prove' gabriel doesn't love emilie anymore so they can justify their ship because they're basically seperated now right... its really dumb lol im pretty sure the narrative is already with the gabenath shippers in suggesting that it would be healthy for gabriel to let go of emilie and move on, accepting his feelings for nathalie, you really don't need to prove that the main villain of the show is justified in cheating on his comatose wife he needs to turn off life support for lmao.

[beetlemancy]

Not angry venting but more gosh i really dislike that i keep trying to get back into watching live then I see matt making a rules calling that isnt correct and IM annoyed and i hate *that* emotional response, (specifically in this case not letting jester drop conc - which by the rules she is very much allowed to do at anytime), so again not angry venting *at matt* and more gosh i wish i didnt have standards on matt that he has no responsibility to me to keep, but somehow i still care about :(

hey, I’m gonna put the rest of your (relevant) asks and my response to them under this read more for brevity, and encourage anyone who gets up in their feelings about this ask to read the followups because they are far more important for context on this subject - AND please know that these asks were sent before the stuff that went down later in the episode. Also, those reading should take their time because its a wishy washy subject that can get sensitive but this is absolutely done in good faith and I think its important for us to acknowledge these feelings in ourselves when they come up!(also the last time I posted a long ass post like this the format got all wonky after I looked at it on mobile, so if its all one big paragraph - it was not intended to be that way and i’ll fix it soon)

Ask 2-3: just sent that ask and i want to clarify, its not bad matt not being RAW, follow the rules or perish. its more, hes a great dm and making a rules call that disadvantages the players for a reason i can not understand at all makes me feel not happy despite the fact that i know im not a player and this isnt actually effecting me personally, yet i sit here with my negative emotions and idea how to force myself to not feel them :(((((i told myself that was going to be my last ask of the night but for the sake of being clear with you) i also wonder how much of my being upset about being upset is that i dont want to be in the same camp as twitter / reddit ppl who get on matt about rules calls and are cruel to him about it, and just agreeing with their base statement makes me feel like im saying its okay to do that

Mmk. There’s sort of two main subjects I wanna cover: the action and the feeling.The basic truth is that occasionally we get feelings that remind us of the rage of people we do not want to be. This is human, and it happens in life in so many ways, not just in fandom. However, I’ll stick with CR for now. We see the Twitter and Reddit threads that berate Matt and the players for rule issues and we think, we would never be that up in our feelings, right? But it is so much less about what we feel and more about what our actions are. 

The people who make those posts? Some of them are full of so much hate for something that they just use this as an opportunity to lash out. Others are genuinely trying to be helpful and just don’t understand the concept that they are not the only person on the internet and that often times one person saying something is benign but that hundreds of people saying it is malicious. Sometimes people might not even feel that much about the subject but want to join the fight because its something to do or because their peers/friends are.

What defines the result of ANY rules lawyering post online is not the reason they made the post, though, is it? Its simply that they did. Their intent doesn’t really matter that much - a post was still made, and posts were made on top of that post, and those posts, and now we’ve got a flame war - intent be damned.

By the same nature, if you don’t make that post? It doesn’t matter what your feelings are on the topic. You choose to not add to that noise. Take that win and feel good about it! (btw, sending someone an ask to parse through your feelings on the subject isn’t ‘making that post’ either)

Okay. Now - about the feelings.

I’m honestly with you there and have been the last few combat scenarios. I’ve noticed myself wondering if Matt is getting more and more ‘me vs them’ in his combat DM style because it feels that way to me. I’m guessing that a lot of my discomfort also has to do with my inherent sense of black-and-white Fairness - being Autistic comes with that privilege for a lot of us. ADHD Cousins can get theirs in maroon I think, but they have to order it special. ;)

I grapple a lot with my feelings on combat in CR when it does start to feel antagonistic or unfair to one or more players (or sometimes even Matt himself!). Here is what I do: well, for one, compartmentalize until the next day or two. CR brings up a lot of feelings. Its a lot of story and I get super immersed. The emotions are high for everyone during a good episode, sometimes especially during combat, and so I allow myself the cool down time before I really look at it again.

After that time, if I still feel the same way and it still bugs me, I watch stuff where they talk about how much they love each other. I play that clip of Liam saying ITS A GAME! over and over. I get super in deep with the Critmas vids or another Talks episode I really love. That’s what helps me kick it, in the end. The visual and auditory reminder that these are friends and sometimes friends have a little tension when they are all in a state of high adrenaline but that they clearly would not do this if it wasn’t fun for them anymore. 

I do have a buddy of mine that is really hardcore Justice. He is, straight up, like Justice from Dragon Age. The guy is Fairness with a capital F, and his method of dealing is different from mine: he doesn’t watch combat from any TTRPG show. He just avoids it, because he doesn’t wanna be That Guy on reddit, but the intensity with which he feels the call to correct wrongs is very strong. He takes himself out of the equation, reads a recap or asks friends, and then can engage healthily with the RP and the story outside of combat. Its a good system for him.

Maybe you can find a method similar to either of these options? Maybe you just need a healthy place to vent about it. For that, I’d suggest a discord or a friend (or me off anon and then I won’t publish if you ask me not to! or send me a pm!). Or perhaps you need to reevaluate how you watch CR and what you’re willing to give up in order to not feel this way. Or maybe binge watching some quality CR wholesomeness will help those feelings dampen. Either way, you are not Wrong for feeling. We just have to watch our actions.

[chocojjk]

Heaven Knows

summary: im not even gonna try, yall know im bad at summaries 

words: 2.7k

a/n: this forreal took me 6 hours i think im burning out ,, also guess what?? its not edited 

you were chilling in your best friends dorm room without him being there, which is honestly just a normal thing

jisung was out with his friends which means he wouldn't be back for a while

apparently they needed to talk to him about something important

“an intervention, they said,” jisung says chuckling

“What would you need an intervention for??”

“I honestly have no clue”

which left you here, all alone, completely bored out of your mind

laying there in his bed scanning his room for something to do when something shiny on top of his desk caught your eye

with the amount of times you've been here before, you have never seen this object

and so your curiosity got the best of you

you walked over and saw that it was a CD, written on it were the words “for you” and a badly drawn heart, the messy handwriting clearly belonging to your best friend

you chuckle at this

you never knew jisung could be this cheesy

turning on his computer, his screensaver, which was a picture of the two of you, lit up the room

you see, you and jisung have been childhood best friends

your parents were best friends which just means that you guys saw each other all the time

but dont get me wrong, they never forced your guys’ friendhsip

the two of you just got along

growing up, you would always be by his side and him yours

you didnt trust anyone as much as you trusted jisung

inputting in the CD, his honey-like voice started filling the air

“hey, its jisung, haha, of course you know that since ive already given this to you”

you let out small chuckle, clearly enjoying how worked up your best friend sounded

you cant help but feel guilty for invading his personal space

but c’mon, it was you and jisung

personal space is a myth when it comes to the both of you

and so you continued to listen

“umm, ive been meaning to tell you this for a while but could never find the words to do so , so uh,, i-i made you a CD with all the songs that makes me think of you”

‘how cute’ you thought to yourself, ignoring the rising jealousy that you were feeling in the pit of your stomach

wait what??

pshh, youre not jealous

why would you be jealous??? he’s just your best friend

‘im just disappointed that he didnt trust me with this,’ you told yourself

yup, thats all, just clear and utter disappointment

jealousy? we dont know her

plus, you had a very loving boyfriend

“ok so this first song is just how i feel whenever we’re together, this is better together by jack johnson”

and as the song filled your ears, you can't help but imagine that this CD was for you

keyword: imagine

jisung has made it very clear that he only saw you as his best friend, heck, maybe even as his sister

you think back to the day where you joked around of a possibility of the two of you

“ji, what if one day you become my boyfriend”

“hahaha y/n, that’s a weird joke”

“why is that so weird??”

“uhm because were just best friends” he replies, stating the obvious

and ever since then you have pushed the thought of you guys as a couple in the back of your head

never allowing your feelings to surface for the boy

your thoughts were interrupted when you heard your best friends sweet voice again

“ok remember when your first boyfriend broke your heart? well this song pretty much sums up how i felt the whole time, and every other time you get in a relationship.”

“I could treat you so much better than them, you know?”

“why can't you see that??? haha,, anyways this is Better by Gabe Bondoc”

damn, whoever this girl was got jisung whipped as fuck

you started wondering who she was and how come jisung never told you about her before

was she part of your friend group? did you know her?

whoever she was, you hoped that she’d wake up soon and realize what a catch your best friend is and that she would have to be the dumbest person alive to not love him back

“okay uhm, were halfway in this playlist now. sometimes i feel like you feel this way too, but i don't know, maybe i'm just being delusional. this is Friends by Ed Sheeran”

okay so clue number 1, this girl is definitely good friends with jisung

what the fuck han jisung

who is she

“if they find out would it all go wrong and heaven knows no one wants it to,”

you dont know why or what happened, but when you heard that line of the song, you cant help but release all the bottled up feelings that youve been hiding

yes, you were in love with your best friend

yes, you got into relationships as a way to get over him

no, it never works

because every time you were left with a broken heart, he was there to piece it all back together

he was there wiping your tears, holding you, singing you cheesy love songs

he was there with his bad jokes that always brings a smile on your face, making you happy, making you whole again

jisung was always there, and you cant escape him

and now as you listen to a playlist not made for you, your heart begins to break

surely if this was for you, he would have given it to you a long time ago

just the mere thought of jisung caring for another girl besides you hurt your heart

you decided that it was time to stop

you scolded yourself for even listening to it in the first place

and so you took the CD out, and put it back where it belong

a couple minutes later, jisung enters his room, seeing your figure seated in front of his computer, your head rested on your hands as your shoulders shook slightly, a sign that you were crying

“hey, are you okay?” he says grabbing your hands, making you look straight into his eyes

“shh it’s okay, im here,” he continues, pulling you into a warm hug

and you can't help but be mad

why the fuck was he being so sweet to you when he’s in love with someone else

han jisung, this is not fair, not fair at all

and then you realized that you were doing the same exact thing

you pushed him away from you, which caused him to stumble back, hitting the desk behind him

“I-i have to go”

“y/n??”

running out of the room, jisung tried to chase after you however,,

“Woah woah woah why are you in such a hurry?”

chan and minho

“I-uh y/n just ran out and i-”

“y/n again?, jisung didnt we just talk about how you should see her less,” minho exclaims

“Yeah, this really isnt healthy for you jisung, you really should stop pining over this girl,” chan continued

“guys, shes my best friend!”

“Ok and she obviously doesnt wanna talk to you if she ran away, dont force yourself in places where you dont belong or youll just get hurt in the end,” the older guys continued

“I-”

“were just looking out for you jisung,” chan finishes

and so with his head drooped down, he made his way back into his room

and then he noticed it,,

the CD

‘fuck fuck fuck’

A million thoughts were racing through jisungs head

he was sure that you've heard it, why else would you react that way when you saw him

god, he should've never made that CD in the first place

was he that much of a coward that he couldnt just tell you he was in love with you in person

and now you know and obviously dont feel the same

‘Great going jisung, you just ruined your relationship with your best friend’

---

its been 3 days and there hasnt been any contact within the both of you

you ended up breaking up with your 4 month long boyfriend

“Its because of jisung huh?”

“i…,”

you racked your brain for a different excuse but then decided to come clean, this boy has always been so sweet to you, the least you could do is be honest with him

“how’d you know?”

“I see the way you look at him y/n, its like youre looking at millions of stars, i always hope you’d learn to look at me that way”

“are you mad?”

he gives you a sad smile, “no.. not at you, i always knew this would happen”

“im really sorry hyunjin”

“Its okay, i wish you and jisung all the happiness in the world”

“thank you,” you reply even though you knew that it wasnt going to happen since he liked someone else 

meanwhile, jisung has locked himself up in his room

he was ashamed of himself for making that playlist

his friends have been asking him to hang out yet all he can do is mope around listening to the stupid songs that he has added and cringing at how dumb his voice recordings sounded

he missed you so much but he was so scared to reach out to you

3 days might not seem like a long time, but with you and jisung, 3 days felt like a whole year

Im not saying that you guys are always glued together, no, thats not the case

But you guys would always text each other

Sending each other memes throughout the day

But now the both of you was just left with silence

It really allowed you both to think

he figured you hated him and never wanted to see him again

So he never expected you to knock on his door

“chan, go away, just leave me here to cry”

“errmm, its not chan”

,,,

,,,

jisungs eyes nearly popped out of his sockets as soon as he heard your voice

and in one quick second he was scrambling to open his door

“you were crying???”

“no”

“whats wrong?”

“nothing, im glad youre here”

“umm, why wouldn't i be?”

“I-i just thought that after the other day, you wouldnt-”

“about that” you say, quickly cutting him off

*gulps*

“can we talk?”

“arent we doing that right now?” jisung jokes but as soon as he saw the nervous expression on your face, he shut his mouth and let you in , closing the door behind him

‘oh god, shes gonna tell me that she never wants to see me ever again’

“im sorry-”

“I didnt mean it-”

“what?”

“what?”

the both of you having confused expressions written on your faces

“You first,” you say

Jisung nervously scratches the back of his head, refusing to meet your gaze

“the - the cd, i,, i didnt mean it” he says but the way he slightly bit his lip afterwards was a clear indication that he was lying

did he forget that he was your best friend? there was really no point in lying to you

however, you just chose to ride along with his little lie

“oh, well then i guess that makes what im about to say easier”

accepting the fact that you were about to break his heart, he nods at you, urging you to go on

“Jisung, im in love with you”

“its okay that you don't like me back, we can still be best friends -- wait...what?” jisung replies quickly, ending his prepared speech

You looked at him, stunned at his sudden confession

“You're in love with me?”

“You like me ??”

damn both of you guys are so dumb i sWEAr

“Well,,,, yeah,,,, didnt you listen to the CD? I literally say your name in it”

(⊙ˍ⊙)

(⊙＿⊙)

(@[]@!!)

“WHEN???”

“After the last song,” he says, like it was the most obvious thing on earth

“I-” you make yourself over to his desk, looking for the CD

as soon as you found it, you plopped it into his computer

“really y/n???? Youre gonna listen to it right in front of me as if i havent been embarrassed enough” he says with a pout

“jisung shuT UP”

you fast forward to the part where you left off of  

“this next song is called Wait for You,, im sure you know this song as we always sing to it toegether, but yeahh ill always be here waiting for the day to come when you finally notice me”

The song begins to play yet you fast forward even more in rapid search of your name

“and, well this brings us to the last song,, god, i really hope you dont hate me right now, if you haven’t guessed by now, im in love with you. I dont know when it started or how it happened, maybe ive been in love with you ever since we were three, i don't know okay. But yeah,,, i fell in love with my best friend, god this is so cliche, but y/n l/n i love you”

you were shocked,,,

but at the same time, you felt like you can finally breathe

he loves you back

Han Jisung fucking loves you back

god reader, if you just stayed and listened until the very end, maybe this au wont be so long my brain cells are disappearing writing this

jisung wasn't making an effort to say something, not even to joke around

he was just sitting on his bed behind you, waiting for you to do something,, anything

we all know by now that he aint going to be the one to make the first move

the last song playing was the only thing that could be heard in the room

until,, you finally turned to face him, wearing the biggest smile on your face

you tackled him unto the bed

“oof”

“you're so annoying,,” you say, hitting him

at this point he has his arms around you as you were sprawled out across his body

“I love you too,” you confess, looking straight in his eyes

jisung doesn't know where he got his newly found courage

But he wasnt complaining as he reached out to your face, finally connecting his lips upon yours

“Ive been wanting to do that for so long”

“Why didnt you?”

“Well, you had a- dklfjasfkasjf,,,,, wait,,,,,, you have a boyfriend???”

And now were back to frantic jisung

“dont worry ji, i broke up with him,” you say a small smile on your lips

“wait, you broke up with him???

are you dumb????

He has like the prettiest face???

And like the nicest lips??

And hes so tall and he can dance so well!!”

“Jisung, if i didnt know any better, i would think you have a crush on him”

“shut up, im just saying,, that man is pReTTY”

“yeah youre right, he has everything i want in a man, maybe i should call him again, tell him i was just kidding about the break up” jisung pouts at this

“uhm, im sorry but you have a boyfriend now so you cant do that”

“oh really?”

“yep”

“who is he ??”

“y/nnn,,” jisung whines

“what?”

“will you be my girlfriend???”

“as long as you make me more CD’s” you say teasingly

“oh shut up”

1 year later

you and jisung are still going as strong as ever, and it was great

it was like you guys were always meant to be together, your relationship being the perfect balance of best friends and lovers 

as you were cleaning out your bedroom, you spotted the CD, still looking as shiny as ever, in between a couple of your books, and you cant help but smile at the memory

you were so lost in your thoughts that you didnt notice your boyfriend enter your room

“babe whats that?”

“oh nothing, just a certain CD that this overly romantic boy made me,”

“oh god, youre never gonna let that go huh”

“I just didnt know you could be THIS cheesy, like you really were symping over me” you say

the CD became an inside joke between the two of you,,,

you would always tease jisung about how cliche it was

“I still cant believe you didnt listen until the end, like what kind of dumbass just starts a playlist and doesnt even listen to the whole thing”

“hey!, youre the one in love with me, so guess whos the bigger dumbass”

a/n: oops another one but the last song is called Best Friend by Jason Chen hehe