#but what she doesn't know won't hurt her
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motions1ckn3ss · 2 months ago
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seeing chappell roan next week (!!!) in london and i've decided on a whim that the very next day i will go and see the evening performance of les mis as it will be the day before djavan van de fliert finishes playing enjolras and i simply must see him
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yuwuta · 7 months ago
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yuuta exhibits such previously abandoned, recently adopted dog behavior. incredibly anxious all the time, even though nobody’s out to get him or leave him behind. waits for you to return home or from school or from work excitedly, just to see you when you walk through the door. follows you around senselessly, hovering in your space just for the sake of companionship. initiates affection in prodding ways—starts off next to you, then a hand on your thigh, then deems it safe to lay all the way down, then slowly pushes his head into your lap. gets up whenever you need to get up, and resumes his position as soon as you’re ready. brings you gifts as a sign that he’s thinking of you, and maybe because he likes the affection it brings out in you, maybe because he likes the gentle affirming touches of a hand in his hair or a pinch to his cheek. rests his head on your stomach or his chin on your shoulder when he’s sleepy, stays there, immobile, and will not move unless absolutely necessary. sometimes he gets surprised when he hears you calling for him, there’s a moment of disbelief as he thinks “me? really? you need me?” but it’s very quickly overshadowed by this compulsive need to show up, to please, to do anything for you, which is why he always answers when you call. he doesn’t realize that he has puppygod eyes, especially when he’s excited or confused, but he does and it’s incredible endearing. very reluctant to share your space or attention after a while, considers that to be sacred and he won’t risk being let go or lost again, so as a safety precaution, he keeps himself right by you, waits for you always. 
#atp i need to shut and write the omega verse fics that consistency plague my mind#but while im here time for my obligatory megumi mention bc i mentioned dogs teehee#yes megumi attack dog hes megumi grumbly yes megumi bark bark bite bite BUT BUT BUTTTT#megumi is also used to like... hm........ taming? having? caring for? people in his life and also literal (divine) dogs#so for him yes he bites and barks#but he also... he gets confused if YOU dont follow him around like a puppy bc everyone else in his life has so why not you?#gojo's always been the annoying yapping pomeranian chewing on his arm even if he didn't ask#always in megumi's space even tho he didn't ask but he learned to deal with it#won't admit it but knows that too much attention is better than having someone who couldn't give a shit about you#yuuji is the golden in everybody's life and megumi is no exception#unmovable unshakeable and incredibly addictive even if he doesn't mean to be#and very very attached to the people he cares about so yeah yuuji is loud and annoying but he's also loyal and megumi respects that so fine#nobara is like... she decided she liked megumi and was upset about it so she bit his ankle and he tried to kick her off but she has too muc#pride to get shaken off by someone as scrawny as megumi and somewhere along the way megumi became impressed that she was still there even i#it hurt a bit and she was a little rough it's not like he was worse so fine whatever she can stay too#so if you like... if you dont hover around megumi if you dont pry if you dont prod then he has to be the dog smh#now he's gotta bite for your attention and nudge you and how annoying. he's gonna keep doing it tho. as long as he has to#or until you learn to fall in line and accept your leash too whichever comes first n e way.... anyway.............#somebody's pampered omega always gets what he wants megumi complex is showing......#this was about yuuta right? ok i'll put his tags now....#juju#jujutsu kaisen smut#jjk x reader#jjk smut#jjk fluff#jujutsu kaisen x reader#yuuta okkotsu x reader#yuta okkotsu x reader
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hauntingblue · 2 months ago
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WATER SEVEN BABYYYYY
Look at robin reacting when luffy says he wont give her up.... 🥺🥺
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This is a joke right now but its actually a one piece tenet aldjsisjka
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Usopp aksbaksjakqk the foreshadow is foreshadowing... Also Robin being happy with the crew after the Aokiji incident... Fuck!!!!
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Sanji thinking robin just vanished or flew away and suddenly usopp is soaring thru the skies... imagine
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AAAAARGGGGHHHH YOU CAN SEE THE GEARS TURNING
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Zoro talking to merry..... only while he is alone of course
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Why are nami and sanji matching ajdhakjsk look at the citrus sisters
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Carpenter: maybe it was the government
Gov agent: I don't think so, also don't say that they are everywhere
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LUFFY SUPPORTS WOMEN'S WRONGS!!!
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Don't scream att chopper like that!!! Look at him... So small....
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Imu tease???? (No) (Also I've changed websites again bc the translation is kinda off , I can't find a good quality b&w spanish translation and the colors scare me (i want the real manga experience))
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GET HIM ICEBURG!!!!
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I truly forgor if this is just a lie about her wanting to find the rio poneglyphs or genuine because she wants to die and will do it for them... because in skypiea she says she is not interested in the weapons so maybe if the gov pardons her but considering what she wants is illegal then idk abdjabjs this is such a dumb thing to forget... like thats important girl where did it go (reading this after remembering and it's kinda funny... i will make any sacrifice to kill myself (and keep you safe)... she goes HARD)
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Little paulie and mozu and kiwi.... omg hello (the SBS says the twins wanted to be shipwrights too omg)
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Franky's backstory is small but it does so much for me like it is so central to the themes... boats and people...
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DID SOMEBODY ORDER MORE TRAGIC BROTHERS?
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The fact that franky needs to learn this lesson to pass it on to robin.... do you understand how big this is.... also Tom does exactly as he says and takes responsibility for franky and what he has done... because he has done nothing wrong AND THAT'S HIS SON and he just punched spandam bc he wanta him to feel the pain franky feels... Tom is such a man..... proud of having built eater 7 up with the sea train.... goes out with a boom.... should we all kill ourselves....
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I am crying again................... franky my god.... and the fucking frog!!! And of course franky can't stop Tom's hope for his island... of course he can't.... he hasnt learnt the lesson yet but this guy isn't over yet!! He has a life of being a pervert cyborg ahead!!! Iceburg following Tom's footsteps but franky not being able to do that bc of his guilt....
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This is one of the coolest things chopper has done btw...
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NAMII 😭😭😭
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Robin damning the world for her crew when all she has ever done is damn her companions for her own sake.... how big is this...
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I can't take this...... it's always nami in these positions... it happens AGAIN in Zou with Sanji... there is no way
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The love letter gag is too good like damn that's so funny
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AND IT'S NAMI GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN!!!! SHE LOVES ROBIN SO MUCH!!!!
#OOOH GRANDPA TEASE!!! he wanted to see luffy too?? omg and he owes garp a favor so he is going to kill him... alright then....#robin attacking FIRST and ZORO coming to her defense!!! CHEFS KISS!!! INCREDIBLE#my GOD!!! ROBIN WANTING TO LEAVE HER PAST BEHIND BC SHE TRULY HAS BEEN CHANGED BY THEM AAAAHHHH#this is so good... aokiji had to end crocodile and he still has a debt to someone (garp?) AND smoker told him stuff about luffy too#kokoro is such an mvp... be careful with the government agents she says.... hell yeah they should do that#the people in water 7 just giving advice to the pirates akdhaksjak sure go fix your boat but down there#robin laughing like ufufufu is so cute... also kalifa knowing everything bc she is literally a gov agent 💀 ICEBURG WAKE UP!!!#lucci pulling out the ship of theseus response akdhakaj conundrum solved everyone!!!#usopp is so heartbreaking already... beaten he goes to franky to get his money back knowing he will lose bc he wants to fix the merry... go#zoro cutting steel like its nothing... yeahhhhh also does luffy think the ship and usopp are like sanji and the baratie??#he wants to sacrifice himself for it but doesn't realize his life is the treasure and not the thing... luffy realizing this is not worth it#the fight was insane.... usopp feels useless and is enmeshed with the merry so he won't let it go and tells luffy does not care when he doe#so luffy gets mad at usopp for lying and not understanding what is going on and says he is not a carpenter (true but hurts) so he is nothin#god it is so bad... sanji breaking p the fight is so important AFTER zoro says to calm down and talk but they rile each other up...#THE DIALOGUE IS INSANE!!!! USOPP IN DENIAL AND LUFFY TAKES ALL OF HIS BAIT IT'S JUST SO AJDBAKSNSKN AND THE ONLY LIES ARE WHAT USOPP THINKS#ABOUT LUFFY!!!! BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND!! HE JUST FEELS!! HE SAW MERRY!! THE ONLY ONE!!!#luffy just laying on the hammock for hours... telling nami usopp wouldnt give up his life for an argument... then he only needs to fight...#is luffy fighting usopp just so he can de stress kind of??? like he is letting him get his punches in and then he will come back#once he thinks things through... like nami did... and what sanji ends up doing too... like just give him what he wants#luffy likes fighting friends even and this is the only fight he doesn't want.... the merry crying GOD!!!!#the impact dial... it hurts them both.... jesus.... luffy got two hits in but those were enough.... they are making nami cry SANJI KILL THE#everyone is crying but sanji and zoro akdjsks yeah luffy got him what he wanted... he can keep the ship but he can't beat him#and after all if strength is made by conviction luffy knows he is right and usopp is just in denial... so of course he would lose#franky reveal and Robin assassin reveal at the same time.... just remembered when usopp asked her specialty and robin said assassinations 😭#luffy nami adventures hell yeah.... and theres even more after the aqua laguna... LETSGOOOOO#goddamn you can see the thread of kuzan finding robin with the strawhats to then cp9 forcing her to act in water seven....#franky acting weird because he is worried about iceburg... i know it...#iceburg: its weird youre working for the government... but thats for the audience to worry about. not for me#pluton was built on water seven ✍️✍️✍️ also iceburg saying weapons are bad no matter who holds them... yeah franky would agree#reading one piece
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sluttyten · 1 month ago
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personal rant
#it's not that i don't want my best friend to be happy but i just think that she needs to forget about this guy#she met him on some dating app they went on three dates and from the things she's told me since then it sounds like he's trying#to let her down gently and she's just really not getting it#and i'm over here also trying to not hurt her feelings and call her dumb for chasing this guy that doesn't sound like he's that interested#anymore based off of the things that she's said he's said#anyway.... im also a little annoyed that for YEARS i've talked about kpop and some nerdy fantasy series and stuff and she doesnt care at al#but then she starts talking to this guy and is immediately adopting his interests such as the same nerdy fantasy series#and also any time i have ever told her 'you should read/watch this bc i think youll like it' she wont go near it#and me telling her she would like it and should read/watch it actually makes her want to do it less#BUT now she's like listening to an audiobook of that series and just admitted to me that the reason she bought and read#and then of course really enjoyed this other book is because he mentioned it before#like seriously....#i don't know it annoys me because i feel like any time she gets into a guy she starts adopting his interests#she did this with one of her exes and that's when she got super into video games#i don't know#because she was also telling me what she liked about this book that she just read (which i've also read) and I'm like actually that kinda#sounds like she would probably like this other series too but i know if i recommend it she probably won't read it because i told her to
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treasure-goblin · 3 months ago
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_
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quietwingsinthesky · 5 months ago
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part of me wonders like. what if ruby's mom had just left. what if ruby had said "i'm named after a road", looking at her with so much hope in her eyes, and her mom, who made this choice nineteen years ago, couldn't handle it. and left.
#sorry i just keep thinking about that one sarah jane adventures episode with clyde's dad#where at the end. his dad doesn't magically become the person clyde needs him to be. he can't. he wasn't.#and he leaves again. and all clyde can say is 'don't do to another kid what you did to me.'#and he has a family. he has his mom and he has the bannerman road gang.#it's not that he doesn't need his dad because he does and did but he *can't* have his dad. not in the way he needs. because that version#of his dad doesn't exist.#so i just keep thinking. this whole season revolving around ruby wanting to find her mom. because maybe then she can make sense of it.#maybe she won't feel like she was left there because there's something Wrong with her#i keep thinking what if she'd looked at her mom and said 'it's me. you left me. please. i don't hate you. i was safe. i was loved. but it's#me. do you see me.'#i keep thinking what if her mom got overwhelmed and ran.#it's not malicious it's not intentional to hurt ruby. but ruby is a ghost of a mistake she hasn't faced for nineteen years.#how do you look at that. how do you.#what if she ran. and left ruby in that coffee shop. and the doctor warned her but she tried anyway.#thinks about ruby. shell-shocked because this Wasn't Supposed To Happen.#not because she thought it would go perfect but she thought there would be Something#and instead her mom left.#imagining ruby collapsing into the doctor's arms after that and just losing it. you know.#cathartic. to me.#ruby sunday
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reanimatedgh0ul · 5 months ago
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if i say this is ilana and lance coded what then
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ctl-yuejie · 5 months ago
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oh my god!!! this fucking guy...what a character
haunted by his dead wife, haunted by his wife
and now he declares her dead so that he can justify taking care of his sister and mother over confessing to her murder
ahhhhh, his mind
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my-thoughts-and-junk · 3 months ago
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thinking about fallout 4 against my will
#random thoughts#fallout#unfortunately nora compels me#the fact the 'hi honey!' tape specifically mentions her 'shaking the dust off' her law degree is interesting#like she gave up her job to stay at home with her husband and kid. why?#like that's a whole year. at LEAST.#love the idea of nate pressuring her into it <3 maternity leave turns into 'isnt it so nice being with sean around the clock?'#'too bad you won't have this quality time when you return to work'#turns into 'you can always return to work if you feel like it but we DO have a lot saved up . . .'#and it's like. okay so fallout 4 would be so much better if it were set in the 1960s. literally no reason it shouldnt be#yknow beyond complying with lore which. it isnt that faithful to in the first place#i just think it's weird the game is like 'here's the FUTURE' and then it's like 'here's the FUTURE FUTURE'#anyway make it the 1960s. give me time-appropriate fucked up family dynamics#and nora's a laywer and a feminist who promised herself she'd never compromise her career for a man#and nate seemed so NICE and like he understood until uh oh. frog in a slow cooker#and he makes everything seem like it's her idea until she's barefoot in the kitchen with a screaming baby on her hip and burnt food in a pan#and she doesn't even realize she's trapped until it's too late. isolated from friends and family#idk ill do more research later to make it more time-accurate (ESPECIALLY interested in second-wave feminism)#anyway i think she cheats. with a door-to-door salesman selling places in the bomb shelters#(honestly probably the only adult social interaction she's had in weeks beyond her husband)#i like to think at some point she had a bit of a car accident due to the stress so nate took her keys#probably just a minor fender bender he blew out of proportion but she believes it because oh god what if she hurt sean#her feelings toward sean are complicated. i dont think she quite loves him which she feels guilty about so she overcompensates#with trying to keep him as safe as possible and she feels like he KNOWS and HATES her#(honestly when the bombs drop everything happens so quickly and when she's in the future and registers sean's gone she feels. so relieved)#(followed by heavy shame)#nate sabotaged her birth control btw. love evil 1960s patriarchs#never outright stated but heavily implied!#anyway nora in the future (while she felt very progressive for her time) feels very out of place#like her ideals have no place. like she has no place
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wolfeyedwitch · 5 months ago
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Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4
— — —
The only thing Charles could think of was sympathy for the poor vampire. He couldn't imagine being as hungry and yet so afraid as they were.
They were clearly starving, yet they were so hesitant to take the clearly needed food.
And when they finally did eat, he saw just how ravenous they really were. It scared him a bit, and then he immediately felt bad for feeling so. It wasn't their fault they were like this, or maybe it was, but that was still no reason to fear them.
When they finished, he tried to school his expression and not look so disturbed, but then he probably looked too serious, because the vampire trembled slightly and pressed their forehead to the floor.
"Well, now that that has been taken care of, I should go over house rules and my expectations for your stay."
He went on to explain that he encouraged them to move freely about this room, but to not go outside of this room without supervision. The door will be locked anyway, but he didn't want them to try.
He told them that starting tomorrow or the day after, he'd start to show them around a bit and get them acquainted with more of the house, but not give them full access until everything is settled.
He told them he was still looking into what the best feeding schedule would be and that he'd appreciate feedback. He told them he found starving distasteful and swore that they'd be kept very well-fed. It just a matter of finding the right blood and time of day to give it to them.
He told them that receiving them had been a surprise and so he didn't have any real plans for what to do with them. But he promised they'd be taken care of no matter what.
There was just one last thing he needed to go over with them, but this one was the one he was most unsure how to phrase.
"Now, I don't know how much you already know about me or my business. But I am a painter, and my main muse lives with me. He's... he is like you, in many ways, expect he is not a vampire. He means a great deal to me, and his safety and comfort are some of my primary concerns. You will be likely not meet him for a while, but when you do, I just ask that you try to get along and respect him. I will be asking the same from him. But, I believe that is it. Do you have any questions? I'm not sure if you're really able to speak, but perhaps you could gesture or write?"
Masterlist
CW: internalized dehumanization, it as a pronoun, nonverbal whumpee
---
The vampire was painfully grateful that its new owner deigned to explain the rules to it. The owners that did so, even those with the strictest rules, were better than the owners that said nothing and still punished it for breaking rules it didn't know existed. This one's rules were.... strange, to say the least.
Apparently, this was to be its room. It was allowed, encouraged even, to move about as it pleased within the room. Its owner said he would take it around after it "got settled". (It was trying not to think about all the things that could mean.) He said he would feed it, on a regular schedule, and even asked for it to give feedback? It was having trouble accepting that.
The troubling part was what came at the end of his explanations. Its presence was a surprise to him; that much it had surmised, given how he acted upon opening the box that contained it. The part that was a surprise was that the man already had a pet. Or maybe a muse? The owner called him one thing, but the description sounded like another. The dissonance was jarring.
Whatever he was called, the vampire's new owner already had someone filling the only role it was suited for. It was not only an unexpected gift, but an unneeded one.
It had no purpose here.
That realization sank in just as its new owner was asking if it had any questions.
How...?
It couldn't speak. Words were for humans, not vermin. And its hands had been purposefully broken (first as punishment during training, then later as entertainment for its owners) far too often for it to be able to write, even if it dared to try to claim the written word rather than spoken ones.
Gestures, then. It would have to figure out a way to communicate, given that this new owner wanted that of it.
It didn't know how to express the myriad of questions it had. Questions of his motives, of the other possible-pet, of what would become of it. But asking what it wanted to know wasn't the only question its owner set forth; he had also asked if it was able to communicate.
Slowly, cautiously, making no movements that could be considered aggressive, it unfolded from where it had pressed its forehead to the floor in supplication. It peeked up from under its lashes at the man; when he displayed no outward displeasure at its movement, it continued.
It put one hand over its mouth and shook its head. Then it slowly extended its hands, displaying and flexing the crooked fingers that refused to close into fists, and shook its head again.
Then it dared to look up at the man, meeting his eyes again. It dipped its head in the slightest of nods.
I cannot speak. I cannot write. I can gesture.
It had to hope that he would understand.
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kawaiichibiart · 9 months ago
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Continuing my Felix becomes Argos early AU (which I'm currently referring to myself as the Early Bird AU not sure if I'm keeping the name officially)
Seeing as one of his main (and likely only) goals for attending DuPont is to look after Adrien, he very much steps in to remind Marinette (and potentially later on the rest of the Akuma Class), after he (Adrien) suggests they take the high road when it comes to Lila lying, that Adrien isn't her boyfriend. He is not her keeper. She doesn't have to agree with him. But fuck her if she drags his cousin under the bus because she can't get over a silly little crush and has that affect whether or not she can actually disagree with him. If she wanted to go with it, fine, but she should have laid her own terms. Like if Lila does something drastic, she's going to tell someone, an adult she can trust to do the right thing. Or if Lila doesn't stop soon, even with the more minor lies, she's going to say something. And for love of everything, actually get evidence before you say shit because you're just sounding like a bitch whenever you say Lila's lying with no proof.
Marinette: BUT THEY AREN'T PROVING SHE'S TELLING THE TRUTH EITHER!
Felix: THAT ISN'T THEIR JOB!!
Felix: Literally no one but her has claimed she was telling the truth as far as we know. We all just think her stories are interesting and considering this class, what with Miss I'm The Mayor's Daughter, my cousin the Famous Model, MX. I Live in a Museum and YOU, Miss I Actually Have Connections But I'm Too Humble About It And Don't Wanna Brag, is it really hard to believe what Lila says?
Marinette: But, it's not fair that I have to-
Felix: Have to what? Back up your claims? Yes. It is fair. BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONE MAKING THEM!!
Marinette: Felix.
Felix: Marinette.
Felix: Listen, like I said, I'm just here for Adrien. And for whatever reason, he likes you and wants to be your friend.
Marinette:...
Felix: And I'm not going to stop him from being your friend. But if he gets hurt, just because you can't get a clear head when he says something to you, when he suggests something you don't agree with, I don't care what connections you have.
Felix: So, either come up with terms for the honestly very likely time the highroad comes to an end, or tell Adrien you can't take the highroad at all.
Felix: Do I make myself clear?
Marinette:...yeah. Yeah, okay. Give me a few days.
Felix: I'm giving you two at most.
Marinette: But-
Felix: I was going to give you until tonight. Would you prefer that?
Marinette: Ugh, no, fine...
Marinette:...it's hard to like you.
Felix: So I've been told.
Marinette: But I can't hate you, when...ughh, when I know you're right.
Marinette: I'll see if I can come up with any terms, and if I can't... I'll tell Adrien I can't take the highroad.
Felix: Good. I'll hold you to that.
#felix graham de vanily#miraculous au#like seriously felix is only here for adrien#he doesn't care about anyone else at dupont#and he's very much aware of what social cues adrien knows and doesn't know#he knows how adrien was taugh to deal with situations like the lila one#and that is: do not interfere at all if possible. just stand back and let someone else handle it. don't get dragged into it-#-and soil the family name.#it's not something he agrees with but he can't do much about it other than try to get adrien to see it's not a good thing to follow#and as i mentioned before he doesn't know where he stands with marinette#he can't tell if she'd be a good friend for adrien (what with her crush and again where the fuck did she get adrien's schedule?) or not#and he has a feeling she agreed to the highroad simply because she has a crush on his cousin#not because she agrees it's the best path to take#and felix isn't about to let her stupid little crush potentially hurt the only person in this school he cares about#and he isn't going to be nice about telling her these things#he's going to be blunt and mean and rude. she needs to know he's being serious about it and being nice#just won't get that message across for him personally. he has to lay it on thick for her to understand.#and she does eventually understand and tells adrien that she can't take the highroad. she can't stay quiet about what lila has said and don#but she also acknowledges that she's been digging herself into a hole and crying wolf#if she wants others to believe her she can't just use her words and hope that's enough. she has to find things to back her up.#and while she'd rather not#if she has to use her own connections#she will#in short: if felix isn't taking anyone's bullshit as argos he isn't taking anyone's bullshit as felix#his motto: fuck around and find out bitch#early bird au
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koyehn · 14 days ago
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her name is angela and she is an x-ray gamer.
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i-appear-misssing · 4 months ago
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I just had the horrible thought that I need to fall in love because having devastating crushes on beautiful, competent, authoritative women that I desperately want to please is exhausting and I need it to stop
#this one is straight so there's no room for delusion which is good#but my burning need to be her most favorite is eating me from the inside#it IS making me better at my job though#.......i mean i think so but what the fuck do i know#on friday night amongst the grueling psychosexual chaos that ensued a very smart guy that I LOVE said to me#i have no doubts you're gonna be a great psychiatrist actually#i traded a month with him to have another month with her#he's a phenomenologist she's a psychodynamic....ist? rival theories#I don't like most of psychodynamic theory.......so far#but i love the way she works and i can see how well it fits with her manymanyMANY patients and goddamnit i love personality dosorders#so i made the choice to go with her yes and im very torn casue i LOVE that guy and i wish i could become his friend like my bff from my year#also.......kind of dumb of me since I'd only soend two days a week woth her and the other three with very scary ladies#but I've been in scarier situation i can manage#and god when she praises me (silently obv she's only been forward about my merit ONCE and i almost pissed myself like an overexcited dog)#the endorphin rush is........man#but yes i need to work on this.......idk how to define it. closest i can get to explaining it is professional sub space#with strong aspects of praise kink#pathetic is what it is really#but hey if it makes me study harder who fucking cares right#I'm gonna be the smartest most intuitive fucking bitch amongst my peers so if I can't have her (them) carnally then goddamnit#I'LL HAVE THEIR PRAISE AND RESPECT AND ADMIRATION AT LEAST#........I'll be normal again in a week or two i just need to get over these next couple of days of....idk. inflammation i guess#yeah it's just like an infected wound right now#angry red throbbing hot pain#i know the drill it'll be better in a couple of days you just need to not freak out and let it do its thing#it's nice to be mature-r about emotional impulsivity and the shame that comes after an episode of deregulation#it really doesn't have to be a big deal even while it still feels like it#it still hurts but it's like......hour three of a tattoo. it's a bitch but you know it's gonna be over eventually and wriggling won't work#the only thing left to do is enjoying it all while it's happening or trying to#I don't think I'm doing a great job but what're you gonna do right
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girlthativealwaysbeen · 2 months ago
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it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy
#i follow this person cleo abrams on youtube and she's always talking so excitedly about scientists#and their amazing discoveries cool facts and she's so excited and starry eyed and hopeful#she genuinely just wants to educate people and has so much hope that we can make the world a better place#also like idk maybe unrelated but i saw the mv of new romantics and just. wow#say what you will about her but there's no doubt she's made an insane number of people happy SO HAPPY that they're crying#so many tours#idk i want#i wish my life was bigger#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment#what about everything everyone else#i keep trying to be completely okay with being alone i keep telling myself to not need anyone and be 100% independent#find happiness within hobbies interests#but it feels like a losing battle#i don't know i just. miss everyone 😭😭😭😭#but it hurts too much tbh always more sad than happy always more crying than laughing#i miss my bestfriend i don't know what i did wrong but she won't pick up my call she keeps saying she's busy#i don't want to be clingy because she hates that shit i don't want to drive her away but she's my only friend#i miss my fucking mom she doesn't care if i live or die obviously but i miss just having her presence in the house#and even tho my sister is here she's never fully present always on her laptop working#i wouldn't really say i miss my dad but wow it's been so long since mom and dad stayed together at home it was almost#always miserable but sometimes at the lunch table it was nice#i don't know everything and everyone is moving and changing so fast and i can't breathe under it and it's already september#but this entire year felt like a blur it's like everyone who left took a chunk of my heart with them#and i should be happy because im so close to the exam which will get me out of this house finally be financially independent#like i wanted since i was 11 i could finally start my life#but it all feels so. i don't know the whole future seems black like i can't imagine life past november 2025#how do you imagine happiness if you've never been happy?#and all these feelings are making it so hard to study and studying is so fucking important because if i don't ill be stuck here forever#and i don't want to go thru attempts fail and pass again atleast back then i had a reason first heartbreak‚ not getting to go to college#but what now why now i don't even understand i know objectively i do not have it that bad it's literally better even if i compare to my own
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xoshepard · 4 months ago
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fucking vindication man
my sister was just minding her business in the basement eating breakfast and my stepdad came down and asked "why do you have the light on" and she was like "so i can see?" and the thing about my stepdad is that he's incapable of softening his tone (and will pretend he doesnt understand that his tone is aggressive even though he can understand when YOUR tone is aggressive/rude) so even an innocuous question like that sounds like an attack, so my sister's response was also super subdued and irritated. this isn't the first time an exchange like that has happened but it was the first time that he kinda hesitated and was like "wait what did i just say that upset you?" and she started to speak like she was going to explain, then thought better of it and just said "it's nothing"
LIKE YEAH DUDE. WHEN YOU CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY CONSTANTLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN THEMSELVES TO YOU AND AT THE SAME TIME THEY CAN'T BE COMFORTABLE BRINGING UP THINGS YOUVE DONE OR SAID TO UPSET THEM WITHOUT YOU JUST ARGUING WITH THEM TO JUSTIFY HOW THEYRE WRONG FOR BEING UPSET AND YOUVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG, THEN PEOPLE ARENT GONNA FUCKIN TALK TO YOU. ITS SO SIMPLE.
#i think he was trying to ask whats wrong bc my mom is pissed at him and my sister doesnt like to talk to him so much lately#and obviously he and i have zero conversations#so the house rn for him is just 'ENEMIES EVERYWHERE' fhskdhdj#see what he doesnt understand about my sister#shes young so it still seems like she'll bounce back whenever you hurt her#and since hes allergic to apologizing he just assumes he can say whatever tf he wants to her and their core relationship won't suffer#especially bc in his mind he's doing everything jn the name of her success or whatever#but she already treats him differently than she does everyone else#hes always punishing her for 'getting an attitude' with him but she literally doesnt give attitude to anyone else#he thinks he can helicopter her AND try to force her to suppress her emotions and she'll just be like 'well im grateful bc i wouldnt be#successful without him let me continue sharing my life with him like nothing is wrong'#he doesnt get how deep a child's resentment of their parent can run#and hes so fucking proud he doesn't take any parenting advice from my mom bc he hates me#even though she does have experience raising a child#he thinks hes a better parent than her and wont even try to learn from her mistakes#bc im not a millionaire at 31#tirah talks#but what he doesn't get is that he either needs to learn to say sorry#or come to terms w the fact that when she grows up she's gonna fuck off permanently#their generations kept ties w their parents no matter what shit they pulled#but our generations don't do that shit#my mom knows how to apologize and she knows how to learn from her mistakes and that's why she's the ONLY parent in my life#he needs to get his shit together or my sister will be the same as me
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ame-to-ame · 4 months ago
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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