#but we're not friends who cry together. what if we're only surface friends? When the deep dark parts of myself come out she doesn't want it

[quietblissxx]

[kyeomkuppie]

Friends.

Pairing: Lee Chan x gn!reader

Genre: angst

Synopsis: You get stood up by your boyfriend for the nth time, which leads Chan to get frustrated and finally confess (in the rain).

Chan wasn't exactly in his right kind when he ran out of the practice room, without an umbrella when it was raining just because you called, only saying one thing

"Chan, come pick me up."

It was the nth time your boyfriend promised you a date, only to "forget" and leave you hanging. He wasn't exactly the best boyfriend either, and that's what chan has been trying to tell you for the past year and a half.

He never treated you like how you deserved (in Chan's opinion) and always seemed to prioritize anything but you. And today was one of those days where you were left crying on the street because, yet again, you were left alone.

Rain was seeping through your clothes and the fact that you were wearing white wasn't exactly pleasant either. You had your arms to your chest and your head down. You were also in a daze, you wanted to get to the nearest store to buy an umbrella, but you also wanted to fall down and cry.

A few weeks back you found out that your boyfriend started dating you for a dare. But it didn't make sense be the asked you on a date and maybe he wanted to fix things. Explain maybe? Yeah, what a fool.

And now back to the present on the day of said date, you tried calling your boyfriend multiple times but you were only directed to voicemail. He finally picked up 15 minutes after, only to yell at you and tell you to stop being too clingy and to top it all off, he broke up with you, on the phone, with no explanation.

Yeah, not the best choice of a boyfriend.

Your knees were clanking together as you were waiting for Chan, your best friend who has basically been the light of your life. When you felt like the whole world turned their backs on you, he didn't. He always stood by your side, even if he could barely bear the title of "friends".

"[name]!" Your head shit up as you heard a familiar voice, he was running to you, all wet and soaked but with only you on his mind. He didn't mind the possible cold he'd catch the next morning, or how sore his body would be from all the running. All that mattered was you.

He had an angered expression you'd never seen on him before. It was scary, and yet, when he was right in front of you it felt like everything was starting to make sense again.

"Didn't I tell you to stop hanging around that bastard! He has done nothing but make you cry." He was breathing heavily and you didn't have the heart to talk back to him, because he was right.

"And why are you standing there so pathetically, when you should go and punch him in the nose this instant." He quickly took off his jacket to cover you, despite how mad he was, he was never truly too mas to care for you.

"You'll get cold..." you mumbled as he was giving you his jacket.

"God...what will I ever do with you," he threw his head back in frustration "why are you concerned about me right now, it's you who's suffering, it's you who has been wronged. Worry about yourself, please." He pleaded you.

It was the first time he sounded so desperate, why?

"Chan, I understand you're worried but you shouldn't care so much, it's all because—"

"It's all because of your poor choice-making!" He yelled "I've told you dozens of times to break up with him and find someone who'd treat you better, but you never listen!"

"Exactly," you said quietly "it's my fault, why would you care?"

"God, you're too frustrating..." He grabbed you by you shoulders and looked you in the eyes. "I can treat you better, [name]. I will, I promise I will, but please, for your well-being, break up with him!" He was now full-on yelling. This seemed to have woken up something within you. All the pent up frustration was now making it's way on the surface.

"What are you talking about Chan, treat me better? Chan we're friends and I get that you're worried but I don't understand." You yelled back.

"I don't care about what's right anymore, I care about you [name]! You shouldn't do this to yourself. Not when there are tons of people who're better than whatever piece of trash you picked up to date." He exhaled sharply "I love you so fucking much, and it's driving me insane to see you like this."

You wanted to tell him about your break up that happened minutes ago before before you found yourself grabbing his face and smashing your lips onto his.

You were both cold, shivering, but the sensation of both your lips together spread warmth all through your body.

His hand snuck to your waist as he pulled you closer to try to deepen the kiss. It was desperate and emotional, like he was waiting for this moment for years (he has).

You decided to break the kis to whisper "I'm sorry...I got carried away." But he only pulled you back, but this time more aggressive.

You were now both breathing heavily looking into each other's eyes.

"You know...he broke up with me 10 minutes ago. Before you gave me that lecture." You said, embarrassed.

"Now, I take it that you're all mine." He said shyly.

"All yours."

Reblogs and comments are appreciated!

[kaneaken]

hi!! i read your recent freminet fic and i LOVED IT. if i could, maybe i please request a freminet x gn!reader drabble (preferably romantic) where they meet at the aquarium? thank you!!

author's note; hiya, nonnie >< always love a cute little drabble, so I'm happy to do your request! I wrote the drabble as if it were a date. I hope that's alright with you :D

content notes; gn!reader (per request), pretty in reference to reader, slight lyney shenanigans ft. lynette, drabble

"Where are you heading, Freminet?" Lyney asks as he notices Freminet, stuffing his bus pass into his bag. Freminet stiffens slightly before turning back to face Lyney.

"It's nothing important..." Freminet mumbles, gripping the strap of his bag. He's avoiding eye contact. It definitely was important.

"Mind if we come with then?" Lyney proposes to which he hears Lynette shift in her seat. She gives him a look as if to ask: 'When did I become part of this?'

"No! I mean, um... I wanna go by myself," Freminet quickly retorts. He shrinks back a bit, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "I need to go... before I miss the bus. I'll call when I'm coming home," He says quickly, rushing out the door.

It's quiet for a bit after the door shuts.

"Lyney, stop."

"Stop what, dear sister? I'm not doing anything."

"We're not following Freminet. He said he wanted to go alone."

"Well, who's to say we didn't just happen to end up in the same place as him on complete accident?"

"You're buying me dessert after this."

Freminet fidgets with his plush as he waits by the aquarium's entrance. Despite only standing around for a few minutes, he already felt like an eternity passed. What if you changed your mind? No, he had to think positively, like Lyney tells him to. No jumping to conclusions.

"Freminet!" He jumps slightly as he hears his name. He looks up, spotting you rushing over. You looked pretty. Really pretty.

"Were you waiting long?" You ask as you stop in front of him. "Sorry... the bus got delayed. You know how traffic is on the weekend."

"It's okay," Freminet mumbles. "Wasn't waiting long..." How does he tell you he thinks you're pretty? Does he just say it? Does he have to lead up to it?

"Let's head in, yeah? I heard the displays are amazing here!"

"Yeah, let's go."

The displays were as beautiful as you said. The moon jellies, starfishes, clown fishes, rays. Freminet found himself being amazed by them. He had gone to multiple aquariums before, but he continued to be a star-struck child each time. His favorite part was, and always will be, the touch pool.

You're a bit scared when you two walk into the touch pool. He notices you being hesitant to dip your fingers in the water to touch the starfish.

"Is something the matter?" Freminet asks, taking his fingers out of the water.

"Ah, it's nothing," You mumble as you continue to hover your fingers over the water's surface.

"Lynette, do you wanna touch the starfish?"

"It's slimy..."

"We can do it together... don't be scared, okay? It's a friend, like Pers..."

Freminet reaches his hand over to yours. "It's okay. We can do it together, if that'll make you more comfortable..."

"... yeah, that would make me feel better."

Freminet nods, placing his hand on top of yours. He carefully guides your hand to the top of the starfish. You flinch a bit at the sensation at first, but you keep your fingers steady.

"Wow... it's a little weird but definitely cool!" You chuckle, running your fingers on the bumps of the starfish. "And really pretty..."

Pretty. The starfish is pretty. Freminet believes all sea creatures are pretty. However, he thinks you're prettier than any sea creature he's seen.

"Freminet's all grown up... going on dates, making moves. I'm so proud!" Lyney exclaims, practically crying into his sister's shoulder.

"You're too loud, Lyney. They're going to hear you," Lynette comments, poking at his head. She pushes him to hide into the gift shop as she notices Freminet turn his head slightly.

"Would you quit your fake sniffling?" Lynette mutters, pushing her brother's head off her shoulders.

"Just yesterday, he was asking me how to ask someone out! Look at him now!"

"Yeah, I got it. You're proud."

"Not just proud! Estatic!"

"Shush, they're coming over," Lynette whispers, ducking into a hoodie rack and pulling Lyney along with her.

"... you really do know a lot about the sea, Freminet!"

"Yeah... I do deep sea diving as a hobby, so..."

"Wow! Deep sea diving? That's amazing!"

"Really...? You think so?"

"For sure!"

As Lynette hears their voices become more distant, she carefully pokes her head out. She does a quick scan before stepping out of the rack.

"Let's head back. There's not much more for us to do," Lynette says.

"I can think of one more thing," Lyney interjects, holding up a small plush. He slips it on top of a shelf nearby.

"What's the point of doing that?"

"Oh, dear sister, you'll see!"

"Cute..." You mumble, looking up at the penguin plush perched on the shelf.

"Do you like it?" Freminet asks, looking up at the plush.

"It's pretty cute..." Your eyes leave the plush and land on the keychain hanging from Freminet's bag. "Oh, it looks just like the one on your bag!"

Freminet looks down at his bag, nodding to himself. "It does..."

You smile, reaching up to grab the plush. "We can match!" You chuckle to yourself, skipping over to the cashier.

"Match..." Freminet mumbles, staring at your retreating figure. "Matching..."

Like partners? Romantic partners? Freminet stands still, his face blooming red. Matching with you?

"Something the matter?" You ask as you return to a blushing Freminet.

"Oh, n-no... I'm okay..."

"You sure?"

"Yeah..."

Matching... he liked that.

[mel-vaz]

the Black Brothers sister

Hi everybody this is my first time writing so please be kind. This a x reader fanfiction the reader is mentioned to be chubby this is SAD injoy   

Invisible. That's what you were. You were nothing but Regulus and Sirius' little sister your whole life, a shadow in the grand tapestry of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. Forgotten and achingly alone, you drifted through the vast, empty rooms of Grimmauld Place like a ghost—unseen, unheard, unwanted.

It wasn't always like this. When you and your brothers were little, you were inseparable—like one big person, three hearts beating in unison. You did everything together, from sleeping to playing, your laughter echoing through the gloomy halls, a brief spark of light in the darkness of your family's legacy.

Those memories haunted you now, phantoms of happiness long lost. You could still feel the phantom warmth of Sirius' hand in yours as he led you on daring adventures through the house. You could still hear the echo of Regulus' conspiratorial whisper as he shared secrets with you in the dead of night. But those echoes grew fainter with each passing day, drowned out by the deafening silence of your solitude.

Nights were the worst. As you lay in your bed, the vastness of your loneliness threatened to swallow you whole. You'd stare at the ceiling, counting the cracks in the plaster, anything to distract from the hollow ache in your chest. Sometimes, in your weakest moments, you'd sneak into your brothers' empty rooms, curling up in their beds, desperately seeking some lingering trace of their presence. But all you found were cold sheets and fading memories.

The day Sirius left for Hogwarts, a piece of your heart went with him. But it was Regulus' departure two years later that truly shattered you. You were supposed to go with him—you'd spent months dreaming of it, finally escaping the suffocating confines of Grimmauld Place, and having your brother by your side once more.

But then it happened. The incident that changed everything.

It was just a week before you were set to leave for Hogwarts. Your excitement had been building, a crescendo of hope and anticipation. But with it came a wild, untamed energy that thrummed beneath your skin. Your magic, always unpredictable, became a living thing, responding to your every emotion.

You were arguing with Regulus—not about packing, but about Sirius. His letters had become less and less frequent, and when they did come, they were full of stories about his new friends, especially James Potter.

"He loves us, Reggy!" you shouted, your fists clenched at your sides. "He cares about us!"

Regulus' face hardened, a mask of pure-blood pride sliding into place. " No, he doesn't he's made his choice," he said coldly. "He chose those blood traitors and mudbloods over his own family. We're better off without him."

"How can you say that?" you cried, feeling the magic building within you, a storm ready to break. "He's our brother!"

"Not anymore," Regulus spat. "As far as I'm concerned, I only have one sibling now, and she'd do well to remember where her loyalties lie."

Something in you snapped. Your frustration, your pain, your longing for the brother who had left you behind—it all came surging to the surface. Before you could stop it, a wave of raw magic exploded from you. The windows shattered, raining glass like deadly diamonds. Regulus, caught in the blast, was thrown across the room.

The memory of his cry of pain would haunt your nightmares for years to come.

When the dust settled, Regulus was sprawled on the floor, a deep gash across his forehead, his eyes wide with shock and fear. Your parents burst into the room, wands drawn, ready for an attack. But when they saw you standing there, the air around you still crackling with power, their expressions changed from alarm to... calculation.

"By Merlin's beard," your father breathed, lowering his wand. "I haven't seen a display of raw power like that since..."

"Centuries," your mother finished, a gleam in her eye that made your skin crawl. "It seems the old magic runs strong in you, child."

You stood there, trembling, waiting for the punishment that surely must come. But instead, your father stepped forward, his hand closing around your arm like a vice.

"Do you understand what this means?" he asked, his voice low and intense. "This kind of power... it's only been seen in the Black family. It means you're valuable, my dear. Very valuable indeed."

The word 'valuable' sent a chill down your spine. Not special, not loved—valuable. Like a prize cow or a rare artifact.

In the days that followed, your world turned into a nightmare. Instead of anger, your parents showered you with cold, calculating attention that was somehow worse than their previous neglect. Tutors were brought in, not to nurture your gifts, but to shape you into a weapon for the family's ambitions.

"Control it," they would hiss as you struggled to contain the wild magic within you. "Master it, or it will master you."

But you didn't want to control it. You hated it. Hated the power that surged through your veins, hated the way it made your family look at you—not with love, but with greed. You were no longer a daughter, but a pawn in their grand schemes.

Regulus, for his part, never forgave you for the incident. The scar on his forehead was a constant reminder of what you were capable of. "Stay away from me," he snarled the night before he left for Hogwarts. "You're a monster. A freak. I'm glad you're not coming to Hogwarts—I'd be ashamed to call you my sister."

As you stood on Platform 9¾, watching Regulus board the Hogwarts Express without you, you felt nothing but despair. You'd lost both your brothers now—one to a new life, the other to fear and hatred. And you were trapped, a prisoner in your own home, your own body.

You were no longer invisible. You were all too visible, a focal point for your family's ambitions and fears. As the train pulled away, carrying Regulus towards his future, you turned back towards yours, a future that now seemed darker than ever.

How could things get any worse? Oh, but they did. They most certainly did...Nobody cared about you, nobody saw you, nobody heard you, you were all alone. 

    Until one day, when the bitter Scottish winter had seeped into the very stones of Hogwarts, you hurried through the crowded corridor. Your mind was elsewhere, worrying about the upcoming Potions exam and the letter from home you'd been avoiding. The press of students, the cacophony of voices, it all faded into the background as you rounded the corner and—

WHAM!

You collided with something solid, sending you sprawling onto the cold stone floor. Books scattered everywhere, ink spilling from your broken bottle. James Potter, the boy who had taken your beloved brother away. Your eyes locked with his hazel ones, and for a moment, the bustling corridor seemed to fade away.

"Fuck, that hurt. Watch where you're going," he snapped, his voice laced with annoyance. 

You..." you growled, pushing yourself up off the floor. "You're the last person I wanted to see today."

James raised an eyebrow, his lips curling into that infuriating smirk. "Well, if it isn't Pads' chubby little sister. Didn't get the good looks, did you?"

The insult stung, and you felt your face flush with humiliation. How dare he mock your appearance, after everything he'd done. You clenched your fists, your nails digging into your palms as you fought to control your anger.

"You have no right to say that to me," you spat, glaring daggers at James."Not after what you did to my life."

James's smirk faded, replaced by a cold look. "Oh, come off it. Your life? Don't be so dramatic. Sirius made his own choices."

"Shut up!" you shouted, cutting him off. "You have no idea what you've done. You ruined everything!" 

"Y/n," a familiar voice cut through the tension. Your heart sank as you turned to see Sirius standing there, his friends and Regulus flanking him. Sirius's face was thunderous, while Regulus wore his usual mask of boredom.

"Sirius," you whispered, your anger giving way to a wave of sadness.

"How could you talk to James that way?" Sirius demanded, his grey eyes flashing.

You started to get up, desperate to escape this nightmare, but Sirius's next words stopped you cold.

"You're not going anywhere until you apologize to James."

"Why do you care?" you asked, barely audible.

Sirius's lip curled in disgust. "Because he's my friend. And I can't have my chubby, ugly sister losing her only redeeming quality of being a good girl. Now do as you're told."

His cruel words hit you like a physical blow. Something inside you snapped. You whipped your head around, facing both your brothers.

"YOU ARE NOT MY BROTHER!" you shouted at Sirius, then turned to Regulus, pointing accusingly. "AND NEITHER ARE YOU! Now leave me alone!" 

[eletricheart]

I absolutely love your writing ❤️‍🩹 and since aib3 is going to come out, my Mira obsession also surfaced. I need some Mira angst, or like hurt/comfort pls 😭 ily

Mastermind

(Mira Kano x Reader)

*image creds to owner

Word count: 862

Hii, hope u like it sorry for the delay😔🫶 i tried my best to do a hurt/comfort, for me its not angsty enough if someone survives but since u wanted the comfort i couldnt go on a killing spree😭😭😭

ps: not proofread pls lmk any mistakes

ps2: taylor swift song at the end

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First move

You and Mira met during a Hearts game, being placed as partners was enough to spark a conversation before the start but not to form an alliance, at least not yet.

You would always find each other during a game, sometimes you were with your friend (who Mira hated), but mostly alone. You found the meetings fun, and even though it saddened you to leave after it you kept hoping she would find you again the next time.

Mira, on the other hand, was intrigued by you since your first encounter. A world such as the one you were in was quite difficult to maintain contact, but not impossible.

She planned every move, she knew which game you would be, who you would be with. She calculated every step, she needed to see you but most of all she needed you to want her. Nothing was coincidental.

Second move

Mira saved your life.

A spades game was always an issue to you, but you always survived.

Maybe you made too much noise or triggered a trap. A mistake that could've cost your life, if Mira hadn't shown up and killed the adversary.

She didn't understand you.

You acted happy to see her but never asked her to stay, you constantly stayed close, helped, even took risks. Maybe you needed a push.

It wasn't hard to lure the player in your direction, it was also incredibly easy to swoop in and "save" you.

And how grateful you were, enough to finally ask her to stay.

Third move

Your friend was a nuisance, Mira could tell they didn't like her, in fact it was impressive how you didn't notice. You were never alone, they would find an excuse to pull you away or simply join the moment.

Mira knew they were important to you…but…pain is only temporary, and she would happily be there for you.

Your friend was suspicious of Mira wanting to join their game, but relented after your insistence that she was just trying to help.

How tragic their death was.

Fool's move

You were standing in front of your camp, rain falling down your body, completely soaking your clothes.

You had run into an acquaintance, who was kind enough to not only offer their condolences but explain how it happened. You were feeling angry, confused, sad, betrayed. You wanted to scream, fight, run, cry.

Instead, you stood in the rain.

After a while Mira noticed you outside, she could tell something had happened and how deep your frown became when you saw her.

You took a breath, flexing your hands to calm the nerves. "I had an interesting conversation today."

Mira eyed you carefully but smiled nonetheless. "Why don't you tell me inside, you could get a cold with this rain."

You shook your head, swallowing the tears threatening to fall. "Why did you do it?"

She tilted her head, slowly making her way to you. "Do what?"

You flexed your hands again, taking a step back. "You killed them."

She stopped walking and held her hands in front of her body. "You have to be more specific."

You let out a humorless laugh. "My friend! The one who has been with me ever since I was a child! The one that I encouraged to trust you! How could you do this!" Your breaths were coming quicker, the air barely reached your lungs, you could feel yourself crying.

Mira knew she messed up, she knew who might've seen and regretted not killing them too, but she couldn't tell you that. So, she faked sadness and tried to be gentle towards you. "They weren't good enough for you. Look at how much better things are, how many games we're winning together."

You clenched your hands, using every strength in your body to not break down. "Fuck you, Mira."

As you turned around to leave she held your hand to pull back. "Are you serious? I was helping you. You can't leave."

You could see the slight fear in her eyes. A few days, even hours ago you would've relented, but not this time. "I hope I don't ever see you again."

Checkmate

The aftermath of the face cards was chaos, there were bodies on the street, some people were celebrating others were crying.

That's how you found each other again, she was as poised as ever while you were covered in soot.

You slowly made your way towards her, offering a hesitant smile to which he returned.

You fiddled with your hands before speaking. "Hi."

Mira let out a breath. "Hi."

You looked around before staring back at her. "So…you accepted whatever offer that was huh."

She nodded, smiling. "So did you."

You bit your lip and chuckled. "We're probably crazy."

She laughed and bumped you. "I prefer the term ambitious."

You both laughed, still a bit awkward.

You flexed your hands and momentarily looked at the floor. "So…I have these friends…do you want to meet them?"

Mira's eyes sparkled with the request. "Yes, of course."

You nodded and held her hand to lead towards your new group. "Don't kill them this time."

She held your hand tighter. "No promises."

----------------------------------------------------

requests are open: masterlist

[edwinspaynes]

thomastair of if you’ve already been asked that, jordelia? (i also kind of want to say sona/flora-)

I'll just do all three! :)

THOMASTAIR

What made you ship it?

-> Everything, but I think that the moment I personally started shipping it was when Thomas defended Alastair in Cast Long Shadows.

What are your favorite things about the ship?

We're just going to make a bulleted list here because I'll ramble on all day and all night otherwise

The fact that they bring out the best in each other (Alastair's newfound openness, Thomas's newfound confidence, their senses of humor, etc)

The fact that they accept each of the other one readily. More than that, the fact that they love even the roughest traits of the other without abandon. Alastair's sharp tongue and cutting words? Funny and clever to Thomas. Thomas's awkwardness and jealousy? Endearing to Alastair. Seeing the other one vulnerable? 100% okay, they're going to support each other.

The ship just screams "safety" to me. Like, they epitomize the saying that 'sometimes home is a person, not a place.' They clearly each view the other as a safe person to talk to. This is especially impressive for Alastair considering his usual guardedness, and the fact that he has consistently been vulnerable with Thomas since the beginning. He's crying in the Sanctuary scene and being honest. He's willing to discuss his fear and his sadness in the carriage. This openness is inspiring to me.

Speaking of the carriage, Alastair just wanted Thomas there in his presence, like a safety blanket? Thomas literally just wanted Alastair to talk to him so they could, like, hang out? They're best friends. They're best friends who are married. This is further evidenced by the fact that they lost track of time talking and stayed in Paris all night. We see them talking in the epilogue, and later in ChoT on the rooftop, and they're so happy to be talking and joking and laughing together.

I am literally going to go on all day, good God.

Their interests are SO compatible.

I also on a more surface level adore the fact that Thomas executed the plot to Taylor Swift's Mastermind but ALL of it was accidental. Their romcom era was so fun to read.

Thomas's constant defenses of Alastair make me so happy.

Alastair trying to help Thomas after Christopher died was such an amazing moment. Like, nothing was important besides caring for Thomas? Kissing his eyelids? Letting him know he wasn't alone?

They're actually really awesome at communicating and setting boundaries, even from Day One. Like, if you read TLH all the way through, they're the only ship to consistently set realistic expectations for the way that they'll engage and treat each other. They're both vocally willing to assert themselves. Neither of them hide things from the other or tell lies. Everything's out in the open, and that's super healthy.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

-> Best ship in TLH by a landslide. LANDSLIDE. And, quite frankly, the objectively best TSC ship outside of Herongraystairs as of 2023. Definitely my favourite ship in any media ever along with Wessa.

JORDELIA

What made you ship it?

-> It's cute! I started shipping Jordelia waaay before ChoG came out, like, back when we first heard about the characters. I was torn between wanting them canon and wanting Heronchild canon (come on, this was like, 2017). But idk I thought that their friends to lovers arc had potential, and I quite frankly adored Cordelia from the moment we learned about her before ChoG. So, yeah.

What are your favorite things about the ship?

-> I think it's really sweet how they're such good friends in addition to being married; this is important to me. But I also like that James always loved Cordelia through the power of the bracelet, always thought of her and her happiness.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

-> Honestly? Jordelia is one of my better TSC ships (not, like, high-tier; I don't ship many things, and the only TSC couples I really seek out content for are Thomastair/Wessa/Gracetopher/Sophideon). I think they are so incredibly adorable... but I think they're a little boring to read about. I'm don't mind reading about them, but they don't do that much for me, either.

SONA/FLORA (thank you for entertaining my crack ship lmao)

What made you ship it?

-> It came to me one day in the shower. They both had shitty husbands, why shouldn't they bond over it? Why can we not have middle-aged women coming to terms with their sexuality and having a lesbian relationship?

What are your favorite things about the ship?

-> It's probably the only batshit crazy crack ship I've ever liked the idea of.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

-> That it exists.

[songforeddiemunson]

Panic in Detroit

A Bartender!Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader fix-it fic series.

Series Summary: It's the year 1991. Reader is fleeing an unendurable life in an attempt to start anew. A dangerous man hunts her, and she finds herself in a seedy corner of Detroit, working in a dive bar under a false name. Unbeknownst to her, her whole world is about to be thrown into an even worse tailspin, further complicated by a mysterious and handsome bartender with a troubled past of his own.

Series Warnings: Angst, trauma; there will be references to past domestic violence but nothing explicitly described. Coarse language, stressful situations, eventual smut and fluff. Slow burn. Minors DNI. Reader's description is vague apart from being AFAB, in an attempt to remain inclusive.

**As always, if you like this, comments and reblogs are the lifeblood of any fic writer! Please let me know if you would like to be included in a taglist for this series.**

Chapter One: Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Chapter warnings: a bit of angst and coarse language, brief mention of the sort of sexual harassment that a female working in a bar may experience, but nothing too crazy. We're only just now getting started darlings.

Word count: ~3k

October, 1991

Tom’s Tavern, a run down old watering hole on the fringes of the wrong side of Detroit, looked exactly like the sort of place people went to forget or be forgotten, which was precisely the reason you had walked through its creaky front door.

It had all been arranged in advance by the friend of a cousin of an acquaintance, deliberately convoluted and vague, in hopes of avoiding any obvious connection to yourself. It was a paying gig, and even though your nose wrinkled with distaste at the way the soles of your boots stuck to the tacky floor, you knew there was little chance you could find better in your position. 

The place was pretty empty, being only 4pm on a Wednesday, but there were still some figures hunched over their beers at the bar. Two guys who looked a bit like old bikers were shooting pool on the other side of the main room; the noise of the billiard balls clacking together sharply punctuating the hushed tones of the place, with the soft melody of what sounded like Don’t Cry by Guns n’ Roses emanating quietly from a jukebox in the corner.

As you approached the bar, a burly middle-aged man emerged from some double saloon-style doors behind the bar, and he punched open the cash register. He began pulling bills out of the drawer, counting them out. “Excuse me,” you started tentatively, but the man simply held up a finger, silently commanding you to wait as he counted the cash. Behind the bar was a large mirror that looked like it had been cleaned basically never, with nearly every surface covered with polaroids and newspaper clippings. Your eyes wandered over the bits and scraps of memorabilia as you waited. The place was undoubtedly past its prime, a seedy dive if there ever was one, but you got the fleeting impression that someone still cared about this dump.

“Sorry, honey. What can I get you?” the burly man asked, his eyes coming up to rest on your face. He raised his eyebrows in surprise when he saw you; you clearly were not the sort of patron he was used to seeing in there. Too young and too clean, you imagined.

“Hi, I’m actually supposed to start working here tonight,” you said. “Are you Tom?”

The man nodded. “That’s me. So you must be Cassidy,” he replied, using the false name you had chosen for yourself. You nodded.  “You ever work in a bar before, Cassidy?” 

“Yeah,” you replied. “My uncle had a bar in…” you hesitated, unsure if you should use your real city, and decided against it. “Chicago,” you said. If Tom sensed your hesitation, he gave no sign of it.

“Well then, welcome to Tom’s Tavern. We’ll have you bar-backing for a few weeks while you learn the ropes. Don’t let this quiet time fool you,” he warned, gesturing vaguely around the establishment. “It can get pretty rowdy around here. But don’t worry, I’m usually around, and our main bartender is here every night. He’s younger, like you. He’ll have your back. You have any trouble, just holler, and one of us will come help you.” You smiled and nodded, feeling somewhat reassured.

“Where is he, anyway,” Tom mused, looking around as if he’d misplaced his car keys. “Eddie!” He bellowed. “Where the hell’d you go, man?”

The double doors behind the bar flew open, and a slim man roughly half Tom’s age emerged, carrying three cases of beer stacked on top of each other in his arms. His flannel sleeves were rolled up enough for you to catch a glimpse of some tattoos, but the stacked cases of beer were tall enough to obscure his face.

“What, Tom, I’m right here,” the other man said, before adding, “fuck, a little help?”

Tom hurriedly took the top two cases and set them on the bar as the other man set down the final case with a thump, and he immediately ripped open the top and started pulling out bottles, stuffing them into the cooler below the bar.

“Jesus Ed,” Tom scolded. “I know you’re young but you’ll blow your fuckin’ back out trying to carry all that shit at once. Take two trips, man.”

“Thanks mom,” the younger man smirked, not looking up as he unloaded the beer.

So this is Eddie, you thought to yourself, and relief flooded you when you saw that he looked somewhat normal. Normal, and pretty damned good looking, actually. His long dark hair was pulled back in a ponytail, a few stray curls framing his surprisingly handsome face. His dark eyes were hooded as he focused on his task of unloading the beer, and you could see that he was slim but strong, his lean muscles flexing beneath the t-shirt he wore under his unbuttoned flannel shirt.

“Ed,” Tom said, pointedly.

“Yeah?” Eddie replied, finally looking up. His eyes settled on you, and he paused in his task, pulling a bandanna out of his back pocket to dry the condensation from his hands. “Oh,” he said simply, as he registered your presence.

“This is the new girl. Cassidy. She’s starting today.”

“Hi,” you said, giving an awkward little wave.

“Hi,” Eddie replied, before turning to Tom. “Really?” he said, his tone one of mild incredulity. Your heart sank into your stomach. “Is she another runaway?” he asked.

“I’m right here,” you said, your voice monotone. His eyes flicked to yours. “Are you another runaway?” he repeated with the same inflection.

Tom rolled his eyes. “Jesus Eddie, you’re a real welcome wagon. This is Cassidy, she’s starting tonight, so show her the ropes will ya? And don’t be an asshole,” he said, before heading into the back room.

“Fine, fine,” Eddie replied in a conciliatory tone. “Sorry it’s just…everyone who comes here that looks…” he paused to look you up and down. “Well, like you… they don’t last long. They show up, give it a whirl for a week or two, and then disappear without a word.”

“Well…” you started, but he cut you off.

“Because nooobody,” he drawled, lengthening his words musically. “Nobody actually comes here to work on purpose, and they have nooo intention of staying very long. So little old me gets left in the lurch. A lot.” he resumed his task of putting away the beer, tearing open the second case. “So what’s your story?” he asked.

“I’m sure you have me pegged already,’ you said with a smirk, as you opened up the third case and started lining bottles up for him to easily access. “What about you, what’s a nice guy like you doing in a place like this?” you asked, deflecting.

“Nice try princess,” he said, “we’re not talking about me.”

“I’m in witness protection,” you deadpanned, making him look at you again. “I ratted on the Chicago mafia and now they’re gunning for me.”

“Nice,” Eddie replied, playing along. “So naturally they sent you to America’s asshole and not…some nice bungalow in Tampa?”

You huffed out a surprised laugh. “Maybe the government is punishing me a little. I’m no saint.”

“I would expect not,” he said, dryly. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be here.”

“I just needed a change,” you said. “There’s no salacious tale. I just had to…” you broke off, unsure of what to say.

“Escape?” Eddie finished, looking at you expectantly.

“Something like that.” you nodded.

“Yeah,” Eddie said, his voice laced with what sounded almost like sadness. “We get a lot of that around here.”

A couple of hours had passed by without incident. Eddie showed you around the place, showed you the nooks, crannies and quirks. He told you the bar usually had live music on Friday and Saturday nights, the clientele was a cross between biker, urban redneck and sauced cougar, the latter of which regularly tried to get a piece of Eddie. “This one lady, Hazel. Once she downs her fifth whiskey, she tries to grab my junk. Often,” Eddie told you, making you laugh. “Oh she’s gonna hate you,” he said, before moving on to the next tidbit. He was hard not to like; you had known him so briefly and yet he had an easiness about him that helped you relax. You had been through so much stress and heartache and coming to Detroit, to this dive, had been no different. But maybe, just maybe, this experience would be a pleasant surprise.

“Man, what time is it?” Eddie asked absentmindedly, glancing at the watch on his wrist. “Oh shit, it’s six. Get ready for some motor city madness.”

“What?” you replied, half laughing, half confused.

“Any minute now, this place is gonna get crazy. Not friday night crazy, but it still gets pretty nuts.”

“Oh boy,” you replied. “What do you want me to do?”

“Tom just wants you bar-backing for a while, so just go around, pick up empty bottles and glasses, wipe down the tables, that kind of stuff.”

You nodded. “I can do that. How hard can it be?”

By eleven o’clock, you were beginning to wonder if you had been mistaken in your earlier impression that this place could be some sort of haven for you. You were only able to pick up half the empty bottles and glasses discarded by the clientele; the other half needed to be swept or gathered up in pieces. You had been leered at, nearly grabbed several times by grubby, calloused fingers, whistled at, almost knocked over several times by drunken men, and Tom had to come out and bellow at people several times to behave. And it’s only Wednesday?!

Eddie handled all the drink orders with ease, deftly maneuvering his way up and down the bar and making it look simple. He never paused to take a break, but if he was tired he gave no sign of it. Nobody gave him a hard time though, and he traded greetings and playful barbs with the clients like a pro, clearly liked by the regulars.

By the time the last patron stumbled out the door, which was quickly shut and locked by Tom, you were nearly ready to collapse. Eddie’s hairline showed a light sheen of sweat but no other apparent sign of fatigue, and yet you were ready to curl up in the corner, mysterious sticky fluids be damned.

“How you doing, kid?” Tom asked you. “I barely had a chance to check up on you. You hang in there alright tonight?”

You could only nod and give a weak thumbs up.

“I’d say for her first day she did pretty well,’ Eddie said, smirking. “Clearly the young lady does have some experience. Look, she’s still standing and everything.”

You managed to huff out a tired laugh. “I can’t decide if I’m more tired or hungry right now.”

“You definitely need fuel,” Eddie said. “When’s the last time you ate?”

You had to think about it. “Shit. Lunch time, more than twelve hours ago.”

Eddie paused, thinking. “Where are you staying?”

“Um, near Sixth and Central? A few blocks from here.”

“Ok,” he nodded. “There’s a decent 24 hour diner around the corner from there. Grab yourself some grub and get some sleep. Come here,” he said.

You walked over to the bar that Eddie was in the process of wiping down. He stopped and turned to the register, pulling out some cash. He pushed three twenties across the bar to you. “After a little while, if you decide to stick around, I’ll cut you in on tips.”

“Sixty bucks? That’s a lot of money for cleaning up,” you said. 

“You earned it kid,” Tom said. “Hey Ed,” he continued. “You gonna let her walk home alone? It’s probably not a good idea.”

Eddie chewed his bottom lip, thinking. “Yeah, I can walk you over to the diner. Can you finish cleaning up, Tom?”

“Yeah yeah, get out of here,” Tom replied with a wave of his hand.

The October chill had definitely taken hold of Detroit, and at this late hour you really wished you had more than a light denim jacket. The cool late night breeze sent fallen leaves skittering down the deserted street. This part of town was adjacent to an industrial area and there were few residents. It felt desolate; the dark streets only occasionally lit by the headlights of a passing car, and you couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy.

“Do you usually walk home alone?” You asked Eddie, as he strolled quietly beside you, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his leather jacket.

“Yeah, not a lot of choice in the matter. It’s too close to call a cab.”

“Don’t you get scared?” you asked.

“Nah, this….this is not scary. Trust me.”

There was something about his tone that made you look up at him. He stared straight ahead, his expression unreadable. It spooked you.

“What– what do you mean by that?”

After a beat his dark eyes found yours. His lips twitched up into the faintest ghost of a smile. “Nothing,” he said, simply.

You started to wonder if you weren’t the only one who had a past they were trying to escape.

The rest of the walk was quiet. You didn’t really know what to say after that, and you were too tired to think up small talk anyway. Eddie seemed content to walk in companionable silence, and so were you.

It wasn’t long before you arrived at the diner, and you paused at the door before entering.

“Coming in?” you asked Eddie.

“Nah,” he replied, his breath visibly puffing out into the cold night air. “I’m good. I’m going to get home.”

“Oh,” you said, disappointed. “Alright then.”

Eddie seemed to notice your disappointment. “Listen,” he sighed. “You seem cool and everything. And I hope it works out with you at the bar and all that, I really do. But…but I’m not trying to make friends or anything.”

This took you by surprise. You seemed to be getting along earlier in the evening, and you would be lying if the idea of making a friend during this crazy time wasn’t comforting to you. Disappointment washed over you like a cold wave, leaving loneliness in its wake.

You had trouble coming up with something to say to that; part of you wanted to blurt out that you really needed a friend, that having someone to talk to right now would be incredible, but you could only slump your shoulders in defeat, “Ok, that’s cool,” you said lamely.

“It’s nothing personal,” Eddie said, leaning down a little to be closer to your level. “I’m honestly not trying to be a dick. But if you want friends, I’m not your guy, that’s all.” It seemed important to him somehow; that you understand it wasn’t personal. Weirdly enough, it did take away the sting a tiny bit, but not much.

“It’s cool, don’t worry about it,” you said, trying to force a smile, but honestly, you were too exhausted to give it more than the minimum effort.

“Ok. Well, take it easy. See you tomorrow,” Eddie said, and just like that, he turned and walked away from you.

You watched his departing figure for a minute, and realized that he was right. This was for the best; you weren’t there to make friends either. You were there because you needed to be as far from your hometown as you could get but you had no college degree, no resume, and you needed a place to live and money to earn. You could not form attachments to anyone. It was too dangerous.

You may have been joking about being in witness protection, but Eddie wasn’t too far from the mark when he judged you the moment he looked at you. You were escaping, but not in the metaphorical sense, you had literally barely escaped with your life, and you were planning on only being in town long enough to make some money before moving on to the next place. Eddie clearly sensed it, and you couldn’t fault him for being right.

What you couldn’t have possibly known, was that the young man who was so simultaneously endearing and disappointing had been through literal hell himself, and the two of you had more in common than either of you could guess. 

But for now, it was time to grab an egg sandwich before getting some much needed shuteye. Tomorrow was going to be another grueling day at Tom’s Tavern, after all.

Author's note: Thank you for reading. This is really just an introduction; there is a lot more drama coming for our heroine and our beloved Eddie, so stay tuned. Reblogs and feedback are so appreciated!

Tagged: @howdidyouallgetinmyroom @ms1oftheboys @perengrne

PART TWO

[sunnyjae]

swallow [part one] ♡ lmh

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. I put my smut strictly under the smut tags on here to protect you guys so don't open anything with a warning like this one. Please.

pairing  ♡ dom!minho x fem!reader

genre ♡ suggestive, slice-of-life, domestic!au, smut, fluff, dom/sub dynamics outside of sexual intimacy, non-idol!au

warnings ♡ dirty talk, fluff, kitten kink (mild pet play), sir kink, mild impreg/breeding kink ig, spitting (once in this part because i made lino a mean dom)

word count ♡ 2.7k

summary ♡ your parents invite themselves over to your guys’ apartment for the weekend. minho’s desperate to bend you over and fuck you until you pass out, while you’re positively trembling waiting for the adults to leave so he can finally rail you.

note - this mini series might not be two parts like the others I’ve posted so if you’re thirsty for more lino then I have you covered <3

Minho was a gentleman around your parents ; a complete sweetheart. They loved him and he appreciated their role in both of your lives. Your parents often brought food over, sometimes surprising the two of you with a ring of the doorbell just as you were about to go at it like bunnies.

When the two of you moved in together, they were overjoyed. But since they knew you only dated one person before Minho, they were worried about that big step in your relationship. The two of you met through friends when you worked at the cat cafe Minho works at now, and although he was quite intimidating at first, he quickly warmed up to you after confessing his love for cats (which you bonded easily over). Later, your dynamic began changing and you began dating, eventually growing more intimate with each other, and sharing more exclusive ideas about how you wanted to work around your relationship.

You parents didn't know was what unholy words would come out of Minho's mouth when he was fucking you. He loved making you his kitten, all pretty and desperate for him, crying and achy. The man was a devil behind the scenes, and your parents had no clue.

This weekend you were preparing for a dinner with both his and your parents, where the six of you (nine in addition to Sooni, Doongi and Dori) would be catching up after not seeing each other since Christmas. Minho's parents resided in the outskirts of the city, whereas you two lived in the centre. Your parents, who had their abode down in the south desperately wanted to see your new apartment, despite how small they thought it was (you said it was humble and cute with all the plants and your painted canvases around, the cats made it even cosier), so they ended up inviting themselves over.

"Mom, you didn't mention you were coming earlier," you tried to calm yourself, throwing Minho a distressed look as you scrubbed at the sink relentlessly.

He gestured to take the phone from you, and slipped it from between your shoulder and ear. Your neck was cramping up from that position so you were glad he took notice. Minho used one had to effortlessly wipe down the counter surface next to you. "Hi, Mrs Han, this is Minho."

"Minho, my darling! Oh and it's Mom to you, now." You heard her shrill excitedly. "We've already planned to stay over tonight till tomorrow's dinner with your parents this weekend."

You finished up with the sink and washed your hands, wiping them on the towel next to it. Minho threw the wipe into the bin with precision, somehow looking less stressed than you. "Yes, so I've heard, we can give you our bed, we're fine with the sofa."

To those dreaded words you found yourself breaking into a muffled but clearly distressed cry as you spilled your limbs across the counter. "The sofa." - It was a retractable sofabed, but nothing beat sleeping in your own shared room.

Minho snorted at your dramatic reaction, "Yeah, Y/N's fine with it." He knew just how to get you irritated, and loved it when you did.

"That's great! We're bringing cat food and extra special gifts since you two lovebirds are hosting. Oh! and please tell my darling daughter that she needs to peel the vegetables for dinner because her father doesn't digest peels well, and the fruits have to be seedless!"

You gave Minho another dramatically pained look.

As he finished up with his cleaning, he pressed his body to the back of yours. "I'll pass on the message, we're really excited to see you later! Have a safe journey." and he hung up after her quick 'bye'.

"Kitten, stand up properly." His voice changed quickly, and at that you knew you'd be in trouble if you didn't comply.

You did as he said, feeling him wrap his arms around you and sway you from side to side. Relaxing into his body, you felt his face press into the crook of your neck.

"We only have the bathroom to clean and we're done. Don't give up on me now sweetheart." He sniffed you delicately and pressed a kiss to your skin. "You know what happens when you listen to me?"

"Good things happen."

You felt him smirk. "Exactly."

At that, the two of you finished up the cleaning in the apartment and an hour later the pasta was cooking in the pan. You were done with the food by the time the doorbell rang, and you dropped your apron on the side counter in the kitchen. Minho put down the water jug he was holding after he finished watering the succulents around the open plan living area.

"Mom! Dad, Hi!" Minho joined, taking your parents' luggage inside, them following as the door lock beeped shut.

"Hi Darlings," she and your dad both squeezed you tightly before moving to greet Minho. "Good Evening, kids."

"Hi," Minho intertwined your fingers together as your enthusiastic mother admired your home. "Oh my, it's gorgeous isn't it?" She turned to your father as he too looked around, utterly amazed.

"I love what you've done with this space here!" Your father grinned excitedly at Minho, pulling him away for a tour of the house. "You show me around, son."

"I'm so excited! This weekend is going to be perfect." she clapped her hands enthusiastically.

"Is it," You mumbled nervously. "We made some pasta so wash your hands and take a seat, Mom. The bathroom is down there." You motioned to the room next to where your dad and Minho stood as he explained the choice of furnishings.

"Oh, fantastic! I can't believe you've had this planned out for so long." you heard your father's voice louden as you set the tomato pasta onto plates, and they entered the room once again. "The decorations, Feng Shui, everything looks fabulous!"

You glanced at the two men, Minho shooting the other a charming smile.

Your dad grinned, proud. "Y/n, you've really got yourself a real one."

Minho turned to you. "I'd have to disagree, I think I was the one who scored on this one." He gave you a cheeky smile this time, way too innocent for the kinds of looks he'd throw at you when you were alone.

"Oh, Son, I'm so glad we finally got to stay over and chat." He patted Minho on the shoulder, now with a wide, utterly overjoyed grin.

"Dad, are you going to steal Minho from me?" You laughed, eyeing Minho as he began setting the table too.

"Of course not, darling. I'm in awe of how much this man cares for you! Don't think I didn't notice the massage wand in the bathroom cabinet." He looked concerned, watching you splutter for words at the realisation of what he'd actually found. "If you have back problems, make sure you see a specialist sweetie. You know it runs in the family."

Minho smirked to himself, glancing at your flushed face.

"Dad! Do you want some pasta?" your hands trembled as you motioned to the plates of tomatoey goodness.

Minho moved closer to lean into your back like he did earlier, watching your dad settle at the table completely distracted, calling your mother over. You felt the hands on your hips smooth over slowly.

"Kitten, I'm hungry." he whispered into your ear.

"There's pasta," you murmured back, surprised that despite telling you to behave, he was the one who started getting touchy first. But it’s Minho, so of course he’s the one to express what he wants shamelessly.

He sighed, shaking his head, and at that you knew what he was thinking. "I don't want that," he grumbled. "I wanna eat you out,"

Your mother entered gracefully, making your head rise to make eye contact. "Sit down, kids, we have to eat!"

Ignoring Minho’s request for something else to eat, which you were sure wouldn’t be appropriate at the dinner table in front of your parents, the four of you settled down. The cats lay around here and there in the room and Minho and your parents got into a casual discussion about the weather. His hand rested on top of yours, fingers playing with your own and his rings bringing sparks of cold at their contact with your skin.

"It's been awfully cold recently, hasn't it? I'm so glad you two have floor heating, it works a treat, doesn't it dear?" Your mother turned to your dad next to her who was preoccupied with his food.

Your mind flashed back to the time Minho had you on the floor in the living room, he'd just come back from his part time job at the cat cafe when he found you chilling on the couch, and somehow maneuvered you onto the laminate flooring. You remember the redness on your arms and elbows from the pressure of the hard floor as he went to town on you so much so you nearly passed out right there.

“We’ve actually been looking into upgrading our bed and getting a heated mattress too but those are pricey these days,” Minho took a sip of his water,

“We don’t use a heated mattress, do we darling?” This time it was your father who started, “We keep each other pretty warm.”

“Dad!” You turned to him utterly mortified, “Don’t say that here!”

“What do you mean? We’re all adults here.” he defended himself, fork in the air as he chewed.

“Sweetie, your daughter is right. Anyway, we should wash up and get ready for bed. I’m utterly jetlagged.”

“We drove here, honey.”

“Shush. I’m off.” She turned to face the two of you again. “Thank you for the food, my lovelies.”

At that, your parents left for the bedroom, washed up, and turned their lights off after saying goodnight. You and Minho just finished showering and were now setting up your own bed in the living room, the cats were asleep, and you felt just as tired after cleaning up after dinner.

“You should have left the duvet for me, bubbles.” You told him, hugging him from behind as he set the pillows down.

“You’re tired kitten,” He told you.

“Not that tired.” You mumbled back, feeling him freeze. You could swear there was a smirk in his response when he added, 

“Sit on the edge, in front of me.”

From your position in front of him, you were facing his torso, and Minho wrapped his fingers around your throat. “Open.”

And he spat. “Swallow. And show me.”

You gulped the blob down and opened your mouth once again.

“Good.” Minho smirked, the sight shooting arousal straight to his dick.

"Is that it?" You murmured, slightly disappointed.

He chuckled, moving to sit down on the covers behind you. "You want more?"

You felt yourself pout, "Mom and dad are in the other room and we can't do anything." now facing Minho, you sat with your legs wrapped over his hips.

His hand came up to stroke at your head, "You'll be good for me sweetheart, just for a day, right?"

You pressed a slow kiss onto his lips and pouted again, "I want you though,"

"I asked you if you'd be good for me, kitty." his hand returned down to wrap around your throat again, something akin to amusement and a hint of malice in his eyes. "You respond to me when I ask you a question."

"Y-yes sir." You nodded.

His grip softened on your skin and he went to pull you into him and began to fiddle with your hair. "I want you too kitten. Make you sit on my cock for hours, stuffing you full of my seed like a little cumdump."

"P-please," you whispered, hands around his waist and face in his chest, you felt yourself grow hotter.

"Fuck that other tight little hole of yours too ; filling you up oh so perfectly." Minho petted your head sweetly, as if his words weren't dirty at all. He looked down at you with a smile.

The prospect of him sweet-talking you and your parents in front of you, and then later, behind closed doors, calling you filthy names and explaining all the ways in which he wants you writhing under him made you flush, already anticipating his next words.

"As soon as we have the house to ourselves i'll fuck you on every surface sweetie ; make you cum, squirt and everything in between." he whispered, his tone having an air of promise to it.

"You want that?" he began to lay back, dark eyes still on you through the dim lights outside the window.

"Yeah, yes Sir." you crawled closer to him, hole already throbbing and lips shiny from all the contact your tongue was making with them.

When he knew you were desperate for him, all he did was whisper filthy words and not so much as kiss you - you were lucky if he even indulged in pecking your skin a few times, if that.

Minho grinned at you, beginning to close his eyes. "Good, baby. Now get to sleep okay?"

You bit your lip, ready to articulate what you wanted, "S-sir, c-can I just sit on it? Please?"

He tutted, eyes fluttering open again, amused. "Sit on what? My cock?"

You nodded furiously, pouting when he added, "Wait a little bit sweetie and you'll get your reward. Can't wait to stuff you to the brim with my cum." Minho opened his arms to welcome you to snuggle up to his body. However, you decided against cuddling him and laying down so your back was facing him.

Bad idea.

"Sweetheart, what are you doing?" He sighed. You felt him move, and he was now looming over you with one elbow propped up. His tone indicated his disappointment.

"I'm sleeping." Luckily the lights were already off, courtesy of Minho earlier, so he wasn't able to see your cheeky pout.

"I see how it is." He added, and you could almost feel the unamused expression on his face. "You're being a brat."

"I don't have to hug you to sleep all the time." You stated, sensing his further disappointment.

"True, but you always do. And I like it." he muttered. "It's late, baby c'mon."

Minho felt his heart hurt a little. You always loved his cuddles and they weren't that common of an occurrence, so he'd thought you'd be thrilled. "You didn't let me sit on your cock so... no."

"Your parents are in the next room sweetheart, unless you wanna show your mommy and daddy how corrupt and naughty their precious y/n is, i suggest not pushing it or you're not getting anything from me." Minho finally breathed, taking the time to emphasise his disbelief and light amusement at your defiance.

"Oh-okay." You sniffed, turning around to face him again. "I'm sorry."

"Apologise properly."

Your head lay on your pillow, voice barely above a whisper, "I'm sorry Sir, thank you Sir."

"Good girl." he pecked your forehead, bringing you into his warm lean and sculpted body.

"I love you Minho."

"I love you too darling, sleep well."

"You too."

author’s note - okayyyy so this is my next mini series (possibly a few parts and it’l literally just be smut so whoop whoop)

i also think writing mean dom characters is acc fun // they’re quite exciting to feature lol

requests are open too, i have a link to prompts on my bio if you’re interested. Please read the info too :) byebye loves

[hhjs]

love or lack thereof.

pairing  — felix x reader

genre / trope  — angst, fluff / exes with benefits.

word count — 7.7k 

warnings  — suggestive, heavy implications, swearing, some making out but no actual r rated stuff but i will say this is suitable for 18 and up audiences. 

note  — this is unedited, subject to change. spare me lol

There are two sides to every person. The side that you want people to see and the side that you keep to yourself.

You think you've come to discover all those aspects of Lee Felix. Given that he's sweet, unassuming and inexplicably kind to the naked eye but you know, the rising anger in you knows he's only ever been cruel to you.

"Move," you seethe, he moves to let you in but you unintentionally knock your shoulder against his. There's people on the subway, and you hate the way Felix's innocent gaze finds yours for a second and it makes you look like the bad guy.

You feel the disapproving glare of a grandma who has a crumpled catalogue about seasonal pie recipes on her lap, as if she can't believe how much of a cunt you were being to an absolute stranger.

A roll of eyes follows, fishing for your ear phones, if only they knew.

Seeing your ex boyfriend outside of your casual deal hits you with the force of a punch to the gut. But you hid it exceptionally well. Arrogantly jutting your chin upwards. Whilst he cowers beside you, having supposedly caught your sour mood.

To think you had spent an hour with him in a bedroom just formerly...is rather strange. You've been sleeping with him for the past few months now and where it had begun is slightly mysterious to you — was it Chan's birthday party or a clubbing gone wrong one night stand just after Felix had come back to town....? You aren't entirely sure.

Albeit the arrangement is ingrained in your head — what you have with him is a secret strictly kept from your friends who otherwise if even caught air of a mere conversation between you two would invite an influx of queries. This is simple, physical, you don't have time for a relationship, let alone one with him and to mend how utterly lonely you are with someone who hasn't already seen you naked, someone who you couldn't blindly trust, is too much work.

Even though Felix is indubitably affected by your unwavering indifference, something he wasn't used to when you were together because of how giving you were to sate his utterly needy tendencies. Now he feels himself clawing at your hardened exterior in search of just those affections to no actual avail —hurt crossing his eyes when you sneak out of bed without saying goodbye, when days pass and you don't call or text and most importantly, when you're in public and you can't be bothered to spare him as much as a glance. To you, it's nothing more and nothing less. You make it a necessity to keep reminding him.

See you liked to pretend you're a resilient person. That in your heart you really do forgive people and move on.

But he is an exception.

"Did you eat?" He perks up, his voice is small. Careful.

You keep your stoic expression, looking ahead. "No."

Then he blinks, like he usually does when he doesn't understand why you act the way you do. Impolite, communicating only in monosyllables.

Do you really hate him that much?

There's a hoodie pulled over his black hair, longer along the neck,headphones dangling from his neck and his backpack in his hand, he hopes when he holds onto the same railing as you are, that your fingers should brush just a little.

Despite the way you adamantly ignore him, Felix opens his mouth to utter a passing inquiry. Your jaw clenches. And you desperately begin to scan the city map plastered inside to navigate passengers to their destinations.

"Can we...do you want to get something to eat..." He swallows, "together?"

As if he's crazy for even making such a proposition, you look at him once but from the corner of your eye and he thinks that's a lot considering how often you look past him, through him, never at him. You shake your head, giving him a warning stare.

Across from you, his reflection is frowning at your negative response. Still staring at you with a marveling gleam in his eyes, how much you've changed over the past two years just as he has....still takes him by surprise. Suddenly and unexpectedly, his eyes flicker to yours and he finds you staring at his image against the glassed doors. And like a deer caught in headlights, your heart drops to the depths of your stomach.

The announcement above falls deaf to your ears as you exit in a blind rush of sheer panic. Ignoring the biting cold and unfamiliar station. Your stop is still quite far. Maybe you'd have to take the taxi... or walk.

But in the face of all those hassles you sense yourself feeling incredibly relieved...because frankly, you think, you could go to hell and back if gets you away from him.

—

"So you came to tell me you're just gonna give up? Is that it?"

Felix carefully glances at you through his lashes, silently pursing his lips as to convey the answer.

You stare at the speckles of light kissing up his freckled cheeks, his big beaming eyes, a slightly low bridge but rounded tip of his nose paired with a small upturned mouth.

You can't believe you won't see him again.

Whenever he'd catch a break, he'd take the 2 hour bus to town and come see you, meet you and those once in six months meetings alone, to you, compensated for his lengthy absence.

So it couldn't be the distance, you thought, if that were the case he'd have dumped you when he moved to the capital for university.

Felix just doesn't want to be with you anymore.

"You don't get it...." He closes his eyes, as if he doesn't want to see himself saying what he is about to say, you almost don't get the resistance in his tone. The subtle drop of his Adam's apple. "I don't want to hurt you." He starts, "Just think about this rationally... we're so young, what if I find someone else there?"

Someone...else?

Is it that easy to dispose of you? Aren't you enough?

How foolish of you to only ever think of him.

It felt like Felix was kicking you where knew would hurt the most.

Your sardonic laugh is cracked, garbled and it's so fucking embarrassing that you're crying in the middle of a fast food joint, your fries have gone cold. Had you known seeing him this time would be vastly different from usual, you wouldn't have ordered at all. Why didn't he tell you before? Why had he insisted on catching you unawares?

But then again...this isn't about you at all. This is about Lee Felix. This is about him reducing your worth to make room for himself.

Ultimately, you understand, what is worse than not being loved back is being loved by someone who doesn't love you as much as you do them.

"Well I won't stand in your way then,"

You clear your throat,

"Fuck..." you rub your temple, the sadist in you coughing up hysterical laughs. The ache inside your heart at this point has turned into physical pain, cracks fissuring out against its surface and gnawing at the flesh like its being torn apart at the seams.

You should've seen this coming.

Everyone told you and told you you could only drag on an opposites attract sort of relationship for so long before you start to realise how incompatible you are.

Felix has the audacity to reach over and place his fingertips on your knuckles,his eyes are sad, overflowing with pity. It makes you feel small, the way he looks at you, small, sad and abandoned.

What tips you over the edge, however, is how calm he seems, as if he had been precisely planning to dump you for days and months and years while you continue to make a fool out of yourself never have forseen his decision.

There are tears running down your cheeks, abusing your vision with a vicious sting. You bring your sleeve to collect the needless moisture in a sudden rise of temper that is oh so typical of you.

You snatch your hand away from his touch.

"Don't touch me." You say, the simple comment transfers pain to Felix's eyes, mouth parting in silent words. You want to scream at him, you want to shake him by the collar and tell say something, just say anything at all and I will forgive you. Goddamnit.

In a perfect world, you think, a world where things happened exactly the way they should, you wouldn't have said, instead,

"And don't you fucking dare come back here...ever again."

And...in that very perfect world, he would've listened.

—

Felix thinks he could, dare he say, love everything about you. Even though you most certainly deserve someone who hasn't hurt you the way he has.

Now it's funny actually, how the tables have turned...back then, he wasn't sure about you and now you aren't about him.

Felix doesn't really blame you though...because he knows he asked for it.

Your presence in his life has somehow become an absolute necessity to say the least. And ironically enough, while he had so confidently pushed you to let go of him, he realises he had been holding onto you all along.

Now what was he saying...again?

Right. Felix loves everything about you.

But what he loves most...is the way your hand instinctively finds his heart when you're kissing. It's just a simple movement of your fingers splaying against his chest, the warmth of them seeping through the fabric of his shirt. He doesn't even know why it means so much to him.

His hand drops from your ass to the back of your thighs to situate you closer to his chest. He moans into the kiss when your teeth comes to scrape against his bottom lip, your ministrations are typically rough and speedy but he is seemingly far too absorbed by the exhilarating feeling coursing throughout his entire form — it's not just blatant lust, he knows, but a much deeper understanding that he is inexplicably gladdened by the fact that he's touching you and you're touching him.

A shaky breath leaves Felix's parted lips as he cranes his neck to allow your lingering kisses to shift along his angular jaw.

Then without quite meaning to, his vision focuses on the table clock that reads it's well past midnight...you had run late tonight for reasons you neglected to disclose. Now that he really focuses, a strong musky fragrance akin to unfamiliar men's cologne wafts up his nostrils.

It couldn't be....

As Felix's suspicions run deeper, he restlessly begins to search up every aspect of his surroundings as best as he can in the limited provision of light. There is a large coat discarded on his bed, one he hasn't seen you wear before...then again it might not be yours at all...

You notice how he's stopped responding to you, so you pause, leaning back, still on his lap. "Is something the matter?"

Felix swallows, blinking up innocently at you. This deal is simple, isn't it? He knew what he was getting into the first time you got together and the second and the third and so on, so why had the possibility of you getting involved with someone else even bother him then?

Both of you knew why.

And what's worse is that Felix is sensitive by nature, never truly succeeding to hide his emotions, especially intense ones when faced with them. So he is hyper aware of the fact that what he is feeling in the moment is not jealousy, it's neither anger nor resentment but a deep seated insecurity that he will lose you.

Again.

"Were you...with someone?"

As expected, your hands resign from cupping his face, you avoid looking at him.

"What?"

Felix clears his throat, his accent thicker, voice heavy from disuse. He thinks about something being with you in the same way only he has...and it causes a dull ache inside his chest.

He rests his head back against the sofa and shrugs lazily. As if to prove a point, as if to say did he touch you here? his fingers ride up your t shirt, gently cupping your ribs, he tries not to look too satisfied when you quiver under the touch.

Still you lift yourself up and the sudden lack of contact almost makes him whine.

You stand before him. A hand at your hip.

"Why are you acting like this?" You say and he notes you sound more... curious than annoyed. Though what frustrates him is that you hadn't answered his question. "I thought I made myself clear...there are rules we agreed upon."

Oh he knows — no staying over, no personal questions, no jealousy.

Felix purses his lips. The downside of your forwardness, the same utterly admirable trait he finds really fucking hot, the one that conditions you to tell Minho off when he hogs all of Felix's brownies though the latter himself is too much of a pushover to say anything, the same one which had in times of recurring doubtfulness assured him of your strong feelings towards him, is that you say whatever comes to mind without sparing anyone's feelings.

"I'm just asking, [........]," he lies, trying to control the pain from projecting itself onto his voice. It hurts to see the way you jump to defend yourself around him, as though you're scared he'll hurt you again. The lack of faith you have him, after all this time, causes him hurt. "Why are you getting so upset...."

Felix is gentle. Communicating his feelings through his actions rather than words, cooly, slowly. And you are the exact opposite — there is an immediacy in your conveyance, a roughness. You mean what you say and you say what you mean so you think everyone does too. Which is why, he concludes, his present actions are insufficient to remove the seeds of resentment he'd left in the wake of his bitter utterances when you broke up.

But Felix was only 18 then, a kid completely unaware of his overwhelming need to have you in his life....what matters is, he's trying...he really is, to recover from his mistakes......shouldn't that least matter?

Thinking the slight inhibition in his tone is just a figment of your imagination and that he is simply and indifferently inquiring you, you feel a wave of embarrassment wash over you. Then you drop down on the bed, feeling for his remote.

You sniff through your nose and against your better judgement say, "I went out with an acquaintance,"

On weekends Chan usually wasn't home, you could come over. This is the routine, it has been for some time now...so, you've come to know Felix's room more intimately than your own, the walls are a deep blue, like the kind of blue out of a Holly Warburton painting. There's an old Coldplay poster on the back of his door and X-Men action figures from eons ago lined on the edges of his bookshelf.

You know where everything goes when though it's dark. But that doesn't mean anything.

It shouldn't.

"A acquaintance who gave you their coat midwinter...you must be close,"

You ignore his pointed comment, he ignores the way your eyes light up when you talk about this acquaintance.

"He's nice." You say, "He walked me to the station and everything."

A happy hum comes in response.

Because when was the last time you talked to him as freely as you are?

Felix plops down on his stomach beside you, elevating his form on his elbows. His fingers come to brush loose strands out of your eyes. Your gaze meets his for the second time that week. Slower. As if you hadn't minded looking him this time. He feels his heart being tugged at all possible angles.

Then, because he can't stop himself — he leans down and kisses you, tentative and indolent, like he has all the time in the world, like all he wants to do is kiss. Don't get him wrong...you've done downright unspeakable things with him, to him...but nothing mediates his adoration for you without the employment of speech like these little chaste...purposeless movements. His fingers coming to splay against your neck, thumbing along your throat when you gulp, the tip of your nose brushing against his cheekbone, eyes fluttering shut. They're...they're intimate. Utterly special. He knows you feel it too, from the way you look slightly surprised, searching his face, eyes skimming up any fragment of emotion conveyed in his features. But you don't encourage it, slowly shifting to turn your back as you lay quietly against his chest.

"Let me stay here tonight," you say, "I'm tired."

"Okay,"

Felix thinks you've broken not one, but two rules now. He hadn't expected you to answer. He hadn't expected you to get into bed with no intention of departing either.

Though he doesn't hold it against you, this is what he wants, for you to open up to him again...after all. These changes can't be bad changes, even if they are little, it's still progress...right?

—

You wet your fingers, dipping the moistened muscle against the clay mold. All around you is not as eerily quite as it is in your apartment, footsteps thrumming against hardwood floor, kiddish humming from the kitchen, the smell of sugar in the air, you've never worked outside of your home station and well...in class. You thought of yourself as a self sufficient individualist, you liked to believe that you didn't enjoy other people's company like you did your own, with the exception of your roommate. But that's only since you aren't close enough for her to disturb you.

Yet with Soomi moved out for good, the place felt...odd to stay by yourself.

So you found yourself spending more and more time at Felix's. It's nice to have a place to crash in every now and then, the sex is great and when you get hungry after, you don't have to think twice about scouring the fridge.

You don't know why you put off spending time aside from sleeping together at all, more time spent didn't necessarily add to your deal or subtract from it....because the action itself doesn't really mean anything. Everyone gets tired of being alone at some point. That's a universal fact.

Initially, you told yourself your presence was a consequence of Chan catching you two in the shower one night...so now that the cat's out of the bag, you two figured his place could become the only premise you didn't have to play pretend in. You both knew the elder would be more than willing to keep the younger's secret even if he didn't exactly approve of it.

With the increased frequency of your visits, bits and pieces of you remain dispersed all throughout the apartment, your body wash in his bathroom, your underwear in his laundry, the smell of you in his sheets, on his clothes. You had relaxed yourself through the periphery of his life and he had small glimpses of yours, habits and flaws, unknowingly...or knowingly....whatever. — Felix could only thank God that Chan had found out, in spite of the revelation itself putting you both in a compromising position.

With time, he starts to keep a few secrets from you too, here and there, knowing that if you knew you will stop doing it altogether. He can't have that...

You throw a leg around his hip when you're fast asleep, flinging an arm not a second later to cage him in your warm embrace. Felix likes the way your chest rises and falls against his back, how your breath tickles his skin and your mouth parts against his shoulder blade. Sometimes he stays awake and waits for you to do it, then when you do, he grins so hard his face hurts a little. Felix likes being the little spoon.

"Are you listening?"

His vision narrows down to the sight of you holding out your palms in the air, there's wet clay on them, as well on your cheek and legs, between them your pottery wheel is halted to desuetude, there's old newspapers layering the floorboard to prevent staining.

"Sorry...," he smiles sheepishly, "What did you say?"

It's your turn to shift your gaze to your feet. Felix thinks it's highly uncharacteristic, the way you seem almost...shy?

"Can you..." You eye the mug mounted on his study desk, he catches onto your request easily, "I'm thirsty—"

"Yeah yeah hold on... careful," Felix chirps, carefully guiding the rim to your lips to make sure it doesn't spill. He uses the tip of his thumb to wipe the corner of your mouth, you flinch first but then whilst the mild shock subsides, simply stare up at him as the pad of his thumb brushes against your skin. "There you go..." he trails, eyes bright with care.

You feel like a child being doted on, the mere emotion plunging you back to when you were 5 and had crushes on boys who shared skittles with you.

"Thanks."

Felix's ears perk up at the courtesy, you were never one to express yourself easily and when you did, every time, he felt inexplicably delighted.

The apples of your cheeks feel hot for some reason, by putting yourselves in in these small situations, you keep confusing him, you know, because you keep confusing yourself too.

You come out again that night but this time Bang Chan is shifting around in the kitchen. He hardly sleeps, you observe, but probably refusing to come out because he wanted to avoid bumping into you.

Chan doesn't seem to like you very much. Probably. You don't blame him. Before you came along, Felix and he spent more time together, now you had become a constant in his life without will.

You have to listen twice to realise he's speaking with you. Not an invisible being behind you.

"What?"

"I said..." His tone dropped dangerously low, he looks annoyed at something. "Listen I don't care what you're doing but don't hurt him." He's wearing a black t shirt and a pair of pajama shorts with cartoon wolves littered all across the baby blue fabric. He's trying to appear intimidating. It's not really working.

You stifle a laugh.

Frankly had you not known how deeply he cared for Felix, you'd not have cared about his advice. Or warning....?

"Fine," you respond, watching as the tension visibly left his body with one bating breath. "I hope this isn't about me stealing your yoghurt though."

"It's a little about stealing my yoghurt," he jokes, you think he's one of those people who'd apologise if you punched them in the face and spat in their drink. It's interesting...

Chan laughs a little. His eyes sparking with amusement for the first time of all the times he's looked at you. Did he trust your word that much?

—

"He talks about you a lot you know,"

You nearly spit out your drink. Seungmin isn't exactly the densest guy you know. Far from it exactly and he isn't discreet either. So your first instinct is to think he knows something.

You watch Felix from a distance, a solo cup in hand, he's laughing at something Hyunjin said, there's a crinkle along the bridge of his nose and his upper lip curls upwards to reveal his teeth. In reality, in everyone's eyes, your lives are separate. They walk on eggshells around you still...you assure yourself there's no way anyone could've guessed.

So you play dumb, glugging the whiskey into your cup. It spills around the edges, landing on the semi-lit neon counter.

"Who?"

Seungmin blinks at you. An unreadable expression on his face.

"Jisung." He says, "Who else?"

You feel yourself getting less excited, the breath you were unconsciously holding passing your entire form. Jisung is the newest addition to your life, a performing arts student who offered to portrait model for a project you'd been given in class. He's cute, forward, which you like a lot. And you notice whilst using him for inspiration, that he looks at you just as attentively as you had at him.

Only for different reasons.

Jisung asks for your number. You say yes. Half-heartedly. Though at the forefront of your mind you keep comparing everyone to the guy you go home to ever so often, you pick out their flaws and their perfections and you think to yourself he isn't like this, he is like this.

"Yeah?" You pose, sipping and wincing. "What did he say?"

"Just the usual stuff...." Seungmin tilts his head, he's not drinking tonight because he has an exam tomorrow. You think it's a little funny that he's carrying around water in a solo cup. "But I can tell he has the hots for you,"

You laugh this time. That's no surprise to you. "Well he's not so bad himself."

Seungmin narrows his eyes, shooting you a suspicious look.

"Of course you'd say that...." He taunts, "Heard you guys hung out...how was that by the way?"

"It was alright. Sort of just...happened. We bumped into each other and he offered to buy me dinner."

"And you...said yes?"

You give him a blank look, sarcasm dripping from your monotonous sentences, how else would you have spent time together?

"No, I didn't, Seungmin,"

The owner of the name rolls his eyes at your satirical comment, "No need to be mean, I'm just a little surprised is all."

"Surprised?"

You raise an eyebrow, Felix is still in your line of sight, it looks like he's stalling, waiting for your conversation to end so you could leave. He glances at you a few times and you quickly text him a 5 more minutes. "Why's that?"

"Cause every time you start to have feelings for someone, you take one step forward and ten steps back," he points out, "Think about it...you haven't been in like an....actual relationship after...well, you know," he postulates.

You glare at Seungmin, your pride somewhat injured.

"Hey! I've....dated."

"No....you slept around with people, that's not the same as dating." He retorts.

You snort.

Wouldn't you know.

Minho changes an upbeat pop song to something mellow. It's in a foreign language...maybe Spanish, you understand nothing but you don't have to to know it's a sad tune, the lyrics coming together in a melancholic harmony. Your eyes drift away, you feel your attention falter.

It was not unknown for you to have absolute control over your life, be it living your days by strict routine or building such a sturdy pretentious armour around yourself so that your organic self remained unscathed underneath. You had learnt the hard way that being yourself in front of other people would only bring you hurt...but if no one really knew you, no one could hurt you.

This game of hide and seek had become such a long standing practise in your life that it disconnected who you are from who you pretended to be. And every time the extent of your actual desires, monsters much beyond your control rose to the surface, they brought you shame, disgust.

You found those pretences withering away, the shell of protection around you falling apart whenever the thought of Felix crossed your mind. — his heavy noise of content against your neck, his fingers curling into your sheets, his open mouthed kiss against the arch of your hipbone, everything and anything...you had again, despite all your abrasions, become madly consumed by him.

And you must admit to yourself that you are becoming quite ridiculous because of it.

In this strange moment, you realise you almost need Felix to harp on about you even though you specifically asked him to keep all that you have a secret. You want his friends to come scurrying to you to start telling you that he cares so much he can't keep his mouth shut, to be so enamoured with you that his innermost feelings become painfully apparent, that it's utterly stupid of you to not see how he feels about you.

That's not how it goes though. Stuff like that only happens in movies.

Felix responds, texting, "Take all the time you need." Surprised, you steal a glimpse of him, but only when Seungmin isn't looking. You didn't know what you expected, something more crude, that would give away that he was jumping on the balls of his feet to only get into your pants, that would remind you that Felix is nothing but your fuck buddy. You find that you always look for reasons to resent him....because if you did, it meant that you didn't have to acknowledge how you're still in love with him.

You knew what you were in for. And hoping, wanting something more....is no more than wishful thinking.

Felix smiles at you, a genial smile, a simple curve along the corner of his lips which conveys patience, but also something deeper, like...understanding.

Again no matter how much you pushed him away he seemed to find his way back to you in some fashion, just to convey that your union is not all as black and white as you told yourself it was.

You down the entire drink in one swig. Seungmin makes a face at you, the kind he makes when you stick your fries in ice cream for shits and giggles,

"Well....we broke up a long time ago," You hiss at the awful taste stinging your throat, sounding slightly angry. You can't believe it matters still, but when you've been clutching onto something for too long, be it a painful emotion or a memory...you start to think it's the locus of your life, an integral part of you. It terrifies you to think who you'd become without it — vulnerable, malleable, sensitive.

You can't do that again.

The last few weeks, regardless of how good they were, didn't change a thing.

It couldn't. You wouldn't let it.

Seungmin is right, you think, you are taking ten steps back. Just not in the context he thought.

"There's no reason I shouldn't start now."

—

Turns out there is a reason.

Jisung asks you out the next day. He's so friendly that you feel overwhelmed. At all times of the day, he dresses like a frat boy out on his morning jog. A nike running shirt and loose fitted trousers, a baseball cap worn the other way around...it's a little silly.

You don't mind it, having the kind of apathy you would have towards someone you don't know very well.

Everything with him feels new, awkward. But also slightly exciting. He talks too much when he's nervous and you notice that he's almost always nervous because of your personality, as though he can't really put a finger on you and doesn't know what to do about it. Besides...he’s not a horrible kisser either, you muse, he just doesn’t know what you want.

Yet whenever you heard yourself thinking those compliments, you couldn't help but feel utterly guilty, a strangely deep seated feeling that you were doing something wrong.

Why did you feel this way....

Felix isn't your boyfriend anymore. You don't owe him any form of loyalty. You knew that. You're someone who sticks to their gut feelings and your gut had decided that something about seeing Jisung didn't feel right and not just because of Felix, but because you're not interested in a relationship just yet. And you're sure he could tell you aren't, he shouldn't quite expect a call back anytime soon.

"I had a nice time," you say, because it's true. He took you out for ice cream and bought you candy floss when you stared at it for too long.

When Jisung doesn't respond for a hot minute, you follow his trail of vision, which instead of focusing on you, has shifted to the semi-lit backdrop of your apartment. He's too obvious.

"Do...you want to come in?"

He flounders a little at your suggestion, embarrassed. "Would that be alright?....if I did...."

"That depends, are you gonna kill me?"

You say with a straight face. No matter much Jisung prodded at your exterior, you wouldn't budge, like you usually hadn't. Unravelling isn't really your thing so....he can't tell if you're kidding or not.

"No...?"

You snort, "Why do you sound so unsure?"

Jisung's face has grown impossibly red, he could feel his ears burning in indescribable shame. You just have this air about you that makes you incredibly hard to read and it's really attractive.

"I....I didn't..."

You keep your voice, steady, calm, "Relax," "I'm just screwing with you," you say, stepping aside for him to enter, "Make yourself at home."

—

You suppose you were born to study the arts.

You never could consider yourself a studious being. When you were in school, you remember falling behind in classes where the arduous process of revising was required, say mathematics or the sciences even.

Though that realisation hadn't come to you naturally.

Your parents wouldn't take kindly to you not taking up a "well paying" profession and you fell victim to the constant barrage of criticisms, of mockery which ultimately conditioned you to think some part of you, a large part just wasn't good enough.

And with Felix gone....

You were at your worst.

The two years you spent without him were the hardest, a set of years that obliged you to protect yourself from all the hurt around you, inside you. And while the security that you provided yourself is undoubtedly necessary for well...anyone, the process itself had its wicked way of rendering you unspeakably lonely.

You agreed to apply as an engineering major to gain your parents' approval and then transferred to the arts department by the time you'd successfully moved out. You haven't spoken to them ever since...and it hurt you more than you would deign to admit.

When your mum drops over for a surprise visit and chances upon your ex-boyfriend loitering about in your kitchen, fixing up midnight munchies, she takes a natural guess that you've gotten back together. (Which you think is far more agreeable than the truth. Knowing your mother, a staunch supporter of your relationship with him, she wouldn't take lightly to your arrangement.) And before you know it, you're all having dinner.

Felix makes an effort to dress up well, discarding his usual hoodies and joggers for a more formal look, you suspect it has something to do with the fact that you haven't attended any casual settings with him since you broke up.

Cutlery clinks against ceramic, coming down with a semi-loud thump as you try to swallow the enormous lump in your throat. Your mum makes a passing jab at you, saying how you had settled for a much "easier" major than say architecture or philosophy, she bitterly mentioned that everything worked out in the end. After all, your choice is a "much fitting" field of study for someone of your caliber, backhandedly insinuating that you're far too stupid to pursue anything else.

What inspires hilarity is how those insults still affected you. In front of Felix, you act like these few years have brought the fighter out in you and here you are trying to blink away the onslaught of tears prickling your vision. It feels like someone stripped you off your skin, off your flesh and picked out all your shortcomings for him to see.

You expect him to stay quiet, you expect him to think of you as the utterly shameful, selfish being you tell yourself you are,

But Felix's fingers find your shaky knuckles under the table where they rest on your knee, he implants the weight of them in a reassuring squeeze. "Well I think it's great," he says instead, smiling cheerfully at your mum. To which she, for the lack of support, sheepishly beams at him, "Not many people have the drive to do what they want to do. Or know what they want to do...take it from me, Missus [.....]" He laughs nonchalantly, the hairs on the back of your neck standing to attention upon hearing the lovely sound. You always liked his laugh, the sound rippling against your naked skin, thick baritone when he'd just woken up and a kiddish falsetto when he's extremely happy.

You wonder when you started paying so much attention.

Felix glances at you, lingering for a long minute."I bet it took a lot of guts."

You feel your chest constrict with a sudden surge of emotion from the mere look, you can't remember if the Felix you knew in the past, or anyone for that matter, had ever beamed at you with such pride.

You wonder what he'd think if he knew about Jisung, why you had neglected to tell him at all....you knew, because this little moment is precious to you and you had no reason to tarnish it. Not when you had time.

You tilt your head, using your free hand to hastily find the back of his neck, drawing closer to him with little strength. The more he realised what you're doing, the more excited he got. See he found your newly introduced public display of affection immensely attractive, though obviously embarassed by the sudden motion...

You can do crazy things sometimes. Really crazy things. In public and he has never opposed to such exhilarating things, be it in restrooms or even in a similar setting when you were dating, there was a certain thrill to it which drove him to the brink of insanity. Felix would silently implode your attention when you were alone and when you were out in the open, in whichever way he was to receive it, the way which insinuated you were his was the best of them all. All that was fine though...because it was just the two of you.

But now...in this indecent time, he wishes he could hear what you're thinking.

Had... had you gone completely mad?! Your mum is looking!

Your face is stoic, Felix's mouth parts, then you reach over and kiss him shamelessly.

Over the years, all the things that have caused you pain were things you had endured on your own, in his absence. This realisation alone invites a heavy conviction inside you.

Because you know it just as well as he does, no matter how sincere he is to you — you don't need Felix. Not really.

But you want him.

—

You do a stupid thing. A stupid endearing thing and Felix's heart beats like it would jump out of his mouth if he opened it.

It was meant to be a secret, what you two have, a matter of uncomplicated lust which didn't require the attention of anyone because it initially or so you put it, wasn't important enough.

Then you charge to him, he supposes it has a little to do with the person who was blatantly flirting him in the middle of Changbin's Halloween party, he doesn't care though.

You don't like embarrassing yourself, so he doesn't actually expect you to wear a black cat hairband matching his white ears and feline tail. Felix wants to think it means something, how despite the coos and the caas, the giant wave of surprise washing over your friends, you interlace your fingers within his and kiss his cheek.

He doesn't what that makes the two of you now... but he would give you all the time in the world to figure that out if it meant you could be his again.

—

You trace your fingers against outline of his face. Splatters of moist moonlight kissing the high rise of his cheeks, dusting along the long fringe of lashes which cast shadows along his skin, his freckles are like dots of bronze dispersed on his skin. He's beautiful like this.

"You're thinking too much," he says with his eyes closed, smiling a little. "Don't think so much."

You laugh. "Or what, huh?"

Felix cracks an eye open, his grin big, kiddish. "I was hoping you'd say that," he rubs the tip of his nose against your collarbone, he snuggles closer to your chest. What you hadn't expected was how he shifted his entire weight onto you, lying entirely atop you as though he were a starfish.

You couldn't stop laughing at the motion, it's so cheesy and gross...you love it.

—

Here's something you don't know — Jisung tells his friends everything, about making out with you and taking you out...everything. News travels fast. Faster than you anticipated. Despite wanting to divulge the matter, you were too taken by the recent shifts in your feelings to confess to your little interaction. You had told yourself again and again — a little later, just a little later and I’ll tell him.

It could be too late now.

The entire campus knew of your little rendezvous, shooting you curious looks... it's not until Minho comes up to verify the floating rumours do you all but sprint to Felix's place. You think of Chan's trusting eyes, of don't hurt him, of laughing in the intimacy of your bedroom and swiping your fingers down his spine like you were trying to commit the undulating design to memory.

You're not sure where it all began.

but you don't want it to end.

Felix doesn't answer your calls or your messages. When he buzzes you up, just from his gait, just from the resigned look in his eyes, you know he knows.

You watch as he listlessly leaves you to enter, walking before you without saying as much as a word.

You grab Felix’s elbow, making him stop in his tracks. He looks at your fingers wrapping around the muscle, shrugging you off easily. It’s just a small gesture but its impact is so large...that you feel your heart break into a million pieces.

You had never seen Felix being so quiet, even when he was down, he found a manner to radiate a form of optimistic energy which baffled you. You can’t believe how much you could have possibly hurt him. 

 “I can explain.” you gulp, “We went out on one date. It wasn’t because I liked him, I know it’s stupid and...I should’ve told you. I’m sorry, that's not an excuse, but you have to trust me when I say it didn’t...it doesn’t mean anything to me—”

“Did you sleep with him?”

With his back turned away, he still isn’t looking at you, speaking to you with a surprisingly stable tone.

“No.”

Felix takes a shuddering breath, one which expresses the small relief of knowing that Jisung hadn’t seen, touched you, felt you in the way that he only had, but there’s still so much more he wants to know. 

“Did he make you laugh?” 

It’s a silly question, he realises belatedly but he can’t help it. Some part of him, a large part, thinks he’d be more hurt if you made someone happy and they made you happy than if you fucked them.

You shake your head even though he can’t see you. “He didn’t.”

Your fingers again reach for his, wrapping your index into his thumb. You slowly move your hands to his middle, clutching him close to your chest, chin hooking into his shoulder, suddenly...you feel him melt into the embrace. Felix’s voice falters for the first time, small trembles against you. You’re willing to answer all his queries if it could put his mind at ease. You put your heart on hold for too long.

"Do you hate me...?" He sniffles.

You blink....did you?

Felix had changed, like you, he had matured, the past version of him you had so stubbornly ingrained in your endless inner monologue is not the one you grew all too familiar with...

Familiarity does breed contempt, does it not? Well you think the line between love and contempt is untraceable, melded together as a mysterious whole. After all those years, you were still angry, still filled to the brim with contempt for him and more importantly, yourself because you still love him much more than you'd like to admit. After all you've been through. After all this time. The need to love him ultimately encompassed every other emotion which posed itself as a hindrance.

So the opposite of love, the absence of love, you think, isn't hate, it's indifference. An emotion you never felt towards him.

Felix has wedged himself into every aspect of your life, tainted every portion of your routine in his presence and in his absence.

You don't think you'd have it another way.

"You broke my heart," you explain, "I was angry....but I could never hate you for the sake of hating you."

"I can't..." Felix whispers, twisting his body so he could look at you now, “I can’t promise you that it won’t be hard but I'm not—I’m not going anywhere...you know that right?”

You lean your forehead against his, his eyes shifting to your mouth, hands rising to wrap around your neck. You smile.

“I know.” you say, "Me neither."

“I love you...” He says in a small voice, putting his hand against your knuckles. “Do you love me?”

Your eyes soften, cupping his face like this — carefully collecting a lone tear with your thumb before it could touch his cheek. This time there is not a shred of hesitancy, no pause, no pondering before you say, 

“I never stopped.”

—

You enter in a blind rush of panic, thinking you might miss your ride, feet knocking together, elbows hitting elbows, bustling all around you and the sudden overwhelming stench of people hit you, it’s not an ideal setting, not at all actually. 

But you couldn’t bother to be displeased a second you spent with him. A teenager rolls her eyes at how disgustingly in love you are, elderly couples tutting under their breath...albeit, you don’t fail to notice their subtle smiles, small shake of their heads which attested to the fact that the joy you both radiate is.. absolutely infectious. You stumble with him behind, Felix is laughing breathlessly, bumping into your chest as the train suddenly starts moving, you place a finger on his cheek and he raises his chin to look at you.

“Did you eat?” he repeats, mocking himself, a dialogue from a time which seems an element of the distant past replaced by a love which compensated for every hitch in your relationship. You still argue, still disagree and still make up the same. Felix was right, it isn’t easy.

But when two people love each other as much as you do,

it’s worth trying. With every fibre of your being.

“No.”  You laugh, playing along, “But I could, with you.”

[ikaroux]

Zhongli: The Dragon Dance. (Part 1) (EN)

Version française

f!reader

Aaaah Zhongli, my sweet Zhongli, writing about followers is really painful in itself given their longevity... I didn't come here to suffer, okay! *crying in a corner*

Les Ost pour ce chapitre :

Broken Hero Onmyoji

Rabia Honkai impact

Masterlist

The port city of Liyue was abuzz with excitement as the New Year's Eve celebration took place. The streets were brightened by the laughter and chatter of passers-by and lit by paper lanterns decorated with cut-out designs of dragons, maple leaves, herons and more. Various flowers from the region decorated every part of the city, right down to the ponds with golden carp. You could see dancers strutting a flexible dragon figure in the image of the Geo Archon in the streets. Street vendors shouted at the top of their voices, selling the merits of their goods or the deliciousness of their food. Everything seemed beautiful and magical.

You had come from Mondstadt to spend the end-of-year celebrations here, with some friends who lived in the city. They had suggested that you go and see the fireworks which would take place later in the evening, but your curiosity led you to walk through the streets of Liyue alone before joining your friends.

This year the festival organisers asked the inhabitants of Liyue and their guests to wear a mask which was offered to them by the city. You knew that the festival was to end with a kind of masked ball that would take place all over the city, with musicians placed here and there, sometimes in the corridors overhanging the streets or in the harbour by the sea.

The organisers of the ball wanted everyone to be able to enjoy a moment of joy and happiness without fear, without fear of the gaze of others.

You would walk along the wooden quays, your fox mask partially covering your face. You gazed at the reflection of the city lights on the surface of the water, a smile on your face. The street was crowded but you loved it, the atmosphere was so similar to your beloved city.

As you turned your gaze to observe the quay parallel to yours, you noticed the refined figure of a tall man. His posture was refined and elegant, he stood upright with his arms crossed behind his back and his eyes fixed on the horizon. He wore a long coat that matched his build perfectly, his hair, tied back in a simple tail, swayed in the sea breeze. He wore a golden mask with the image of a dragon.

The man seemed to notice your gaze lingering on him, turning his face towards you. The masks only hid the upper part of the faces, so you could see the soft smile on his lips. Embarrassed, you ran away, slipping through the crowd of people enjoying the shops on the harbour.

As you reached the centre of the city, the sweet sounds of the typical instruments of the region echoed through the streets. You could recognise the erhu among all the instruments that were playing.

Men, women and children began to dance happily, some laughing, others giving each other longing looks.

Seduced by the warm and loving atmosphere, your lips stretched into a wide smile before quickly disappearing as a large gloved hand reached for yours. You quickly turned to see who had surprised you, thinking at first that it was one of your friends who had found you. You opened your eyes wide when you recognised the man in the dragon mask. He pulled you to him, placing his free hand on your hip, he began to dance with you, guiding you perfectly to the rhythm of the music. You were mesmerised by his amber eyes watching you intently under his mask, the soft smile on his face making your cheeks warm.

You gradually began to relax in his arms, laughing out loud as he twirled you around before pulling you back against him, a husky laugh gently rising from his throat at your adorable reactions. After several minutes of energetic dancing, he moved his hand up your back, pulling you closer to him in a slower, more sensual dance. He gently placed his cheek on the top of your head as your face rested on his chest, breathing in the lily scent that wafted from him. As you swayed gently on your feet, he picked up a silk flower that decorated one of the columns that littered the street, supporting the upper floors of the houses. He placed the little pink button in your hair (colour), admiring how well it suited you.

Your dance was suddenly interrupted when the dull sound of fireworks was added to the melody of the musical instruments, your attention instantly turned to the play of light in the sky. Your pupils shone with a new brilliance at the sight.

Dazzled by the beauty of the fireworks, you glanced at your mysterious escort, hoping that he was enjoying the show as much as you were.

Your cheeks turned a deep red as you noticed his eyes were fixed on you, your hands still linked together. He moved his face closer to you, pushing a few strands of hair out of the way.

"Thank you for the evening. "he whispered in your ear.

Without giving you time to answer, he brought the back of your hand to his lips and placed a tender kiss on it. He reluctantly let go of you before stepping back, giving you one last look before disappearing into the crowd.

"No, wait... don't go... your name... give me your name!"

But now he was out of your sight, regret tainting your heart. Why didn't you ask him before?

"(Y/N)! "

Hu Tao's voice called to you in the distance, bringing you out of your thoughts. She was accompanied by Xiangling, Chongyun and Xingqiu who waved their hands at you, their faces lit up with big smiles. Taking one last look at the place where your mysterious date had disappeared, you finally joined your friends, ending the evening with them.

Zhongli was sitting on the terrace of his flat, a steaming cup of tea in his hands. His gaze was lost in contemplation of the liquid in its container.

He was still wondering why he had left without asking your name. Even after living for thousands of years, he still felt a little foolish.

Perhaps he should have invited you to share a cup of tea with him? Perhaps he should have taken off his mask and introduced himself to you properly?

Zhongli had rarely had regrets in his long life and today was one of those rare moments. A sigh escaped his lips, from the moment he had met your gaze on the docks, you had intrigued him. He had immediately noticed from your manner that you were not from Liyue. From Mondstadt perhaps? That's what your clothes suggested.

For some reason, you dodged his gaze when he turned his attention to you, running away from the platform that separated you from him.

Curiously, Zhongli couldn't help but follow you, speeding up to avoid losing sight of you. Eventually he caught up with you, admiring your wondering eyes for a few seconds. He would have liked to take off that fox mask to better admire you, why? He didn't know. What he did know was that at that moment he wanted to share an intimate moment with you, wanting to create a peaceful and sweet memory with a stranger whose smile was brighter than the most precious of diamonds.

Zhongli had felt an intense happiness arise in him as you relaxed in his arms. He savoured the breath you projected on him as your head rested on his chest, your warmth comforted him, your laughter fascinated him, your eyes (colour) captivated him. Why was he gone? Why had he left? He might never have the opportunity to see you again. Zhongli knew, after accumulating 6,000 years of knowledge and wisdom, that feeling desire or attraction for a mortal could become something painful for both you and him. Zhongli might not be the Geo Archon anymore, but he was still a follower with a long life expectancy...

Yes, he knew... but knowing didn't stop you from hoping.

You had a hard time to wake up, the evening of the new year having been rather animated. After the fireworks, you all went to Xiangling's house to have a last drink, without alcohol for some of you, Hu Tao, Xingqiu and Xiangling taking care of the atmosphere of your little party. You were able to talk with Chongyun about your evening, the magic that the stranger in the dragon mask had worked on you still haunting you. Chongyun had listened patiently before suggesting that you might try to look for him in town tomorrow, and even though the mask had prevented you from seeing him, his presence remained intact in your mind.

So you slept at Xiangling's house. When you woke up, she was preparing breakfast with a big smile on her face. Xiangling had prepared a home-made hangover remedy for you with your meal made of blue lily of the valley flower, sweet flower and apple juice extract.

"Thank you Xiang, it's delicious."

"You're welcome (Y/n). And you have to be in shape for today!"

"Fit? Why?"

"Didn't Hu Tao tell you? We're going to show you around the city today. And then..." -She walked over to you, her hand covering the side of her mouth as if to tell you a secret. You moved closer to her.- "We need to find your handsome stranger in the dragon mask!."

You choked on your food.

"H-How did you...I didn't...!"

"Chongyun told me about it last night before he left! He didn't like seeing you so sad so he thought we could look together today."

You sighed, desperate. You couldn't blame Chongyun, after all you hadn't told him to keep it to himself and besides this boy was far too adorable to be sulking.

After you finished eating you went to take a shower before changing your clothes, combing your hair and finally applying some light makeup to your face. Hu Tao met you downstairs at Xiangling's flat, finishing his discussion with an elderly lady who greeted you with a brief nod before leaving.

"Good! (Y/n) it's time we took care of your case."

"My case huh..."

Hu tao grabbed your arm, leading you into the sparsely populated streets of Liyue. She showed you some shops while you described your dance partner's appearance to her.

"A tall, elegant and polite man with a long coat you say? Eeeeh... Reminds me of someone."

Hu Tao paused for a moment to think before being interrupted by the deep voice of a man calling out to him.

"Hu Tao there you are, I have a small... favor..."

His amber eyes met your eyes (colour), a long silence settled between the four of you, Hu tao and Xiangling swinging their eyes towards you and then the newcomer. The man did not take his eyes off you, his mouth slightly open. It was him, you were sure, it was him!

Zhongli looked at you without saying anything, too amazed to find you so easily when he had just come to Hu Tao to ask for his help. He had recognised your eyes from the moment he saw them.

He cautiously approached you, forgetting everything around him. He took your hand in his, a gentle smile appearing on the delicate features of his face. You were even more beautiful than he had imagined. He could feel your fingers trembling with emotion in his hand, tightening it to soothe you.

"Ah- I, you..."

Zhongli paid no attention to Hu Tao and Xiangling's curious looks. He was focused on you, only on you. Drawing you to him, his hand again on your lower back, he began a few dance steps to assure you that it was really him. Your tears rolled down your cheeks as a smile lit up your face. Several minutes passed before he stopped twirling you around to the beat of his heart.

"What is your name?"

"(Y/n)"

"(Y/n), what a beautiful name." -He brought your hand still buried comfortably in his to his lips, placing the most delicate of kisses.- "Zhongli. May I invite you to drink tea with me?"

"With pleasure."

Zhongli knew that forging bonds with a mortal could be painful.

He knew but... he would take that risk.

[efyra]

pairing: remus lupin x reader

summary: the first time that remus almost lost his control

author’s note: i swear that i didn’t pretend to make two parts for this story but it just happened; i couldn’t help myself. i’m sorry 🥺 and I also am sorry for any grammar mistakes - like i said before, english is not my native language

1994, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Honestly, you never thought that would be so sensitive about your last year at Hogwarts. You didn't think you would miss walking those halls, dining under the starry sky of the Great Hall, the Quidditch games that cheered up the students of all Houses, resting on that tree next to the Black Lake or the magnificent view from the Astronomy Tower. All these little things that never meant much to you before, made your seventh year more melancholic than you imagined it would be - you couldn’t even think about no longer seeing your friends every day without starting to cry.

In a few months, you would be a graduated girl; an adult woman who would be entirely responsible for your own future. Technically, you would be free. Free to pursue any career you want; you could become a healer, a teacher, a magizoologist, or even an auror, and you would have a happy and prosperous life. Or you could just screw yourself up.

The uncertainty made you apprehensive.

Ever since you were born, everyone told you what to do, be it your parents or your teachers; how did they expect you to make a decision as big as "the future of your life" being so young? You were only 18, for Merlin's sake!

Why did you stay only seven years at Hogwarts? If you could, you would continue studying there until you were 25 years-old.

But, unfortunately, that was not possible.

What made you feel a little better was to think that your colleagues were as apprehensive as you were about venturing into the adult world.

Since the school year has began, seventh graders threw a "farewell party" every month and overdosed on firewhisky. You have witnessed a diversity of drunken behavior during these parties; there would always be someone crying because they would miss Hogwarts, others despairing because they didn't know what the fuck they were going to do with their lives, some pompously saying that they already knew exactly where they would work after graduation, there would also be those who would make brave confessions, act recklessly or end up sleeping on a couch.

You weren't a very party person; not that you were those people who didn't even attend the party, but you never crossed your limit, let alone did something to embarrass yourself. Of course, you've taken doses of firewhisky before, but you never got drunk.

Until that night.

Earlier that day, you got a letter from your parents telling that they expected you to become an auror just like them; that gave you stomach pain all day long. You had already thought about following the same career as your parents - who were phenomenal in their job - but you weren't sure if that was what you want for your future.

You were a simple girl. You were never very extroverted, but you made good friends during your years at Hogwarts. You were a great student, not extraordinary nor mediocre. You never drew much attention, and frankly, you never wanted that - in fact, you hated being in the spotlight. For some weird reason, you become very clumsy at those times.

So you never really considered becoming an auror. And because of that letter from your parents, you forgot to control how much firewhisky you were consuming.

And, for the first time in your life, you were officially drunk.

"Ok, I'm hungry" you declared to your friend; your voice tone was louder than usual and your words came out a little shuffled.

Y/F/N faced you with some fun in her eyes; it was unusual to see you like that.

"Right. Let's go to the kitchens, then"

You frowned in confusion.

"How do we get in there?"

"Just tickle the pear" she shrugged "easy peasy". A giggle came out of her lips. "What?" Y/F/N raised an eyebrow.

"You said pee-asy" you answered, giggling one more time.

Your friend shook her head.

"You're very drunk," she said with fun. "Let's give you some food and water and put you on bed.

"Oh, but I don't want to go to bed" you made a pout.

"Well, we're going anyway," Y/F/N said firmly; she knew you wouldn't want to wake up on some random couch. "I'll tell Riley we're going and be right back. Don't go anywhere.”

If you were sober, you would never consider invading Hogwarts' kitchens in the middle of the night, and you wouldn't have escaped from your friend after she told you to wait for her, but, obviously, you weren't even a little sober.

Walking through the dark and empty corridors was already an unknown experience for you, but walking through them being so drunk seemed like an adventure. You had no idea where you were going - even though you knew you wanted to get to the kitchens.

Then an intense light blinded you for a second.

"Miss Y/L/N?" the familiar voice of your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher took you by surprise.

Your eyes widened and you stumbled in your footsteps.

"Professor Hottie!" exclaimed automatically as soon as Remus fucking Lupin appeared in your front, seeming very intrigued to find you in the middle of the hall. "I mean... Professor Hottie!" you paused for a short second; looking sideways and not noticing the amused little smile that appeared on the older man's face. "Wait I said it again... Professor Lupin! Now I did it" you smiled and turned your head to face your teacher.

Then you saw.

That damn look. The look full of savagery that made your knees weak and the air escape from your lungs.

Your teacher slowly approached you; he calculated his steps so he won’t scare you - and honestly, he needed to control himself to not kiss you right there.

Remus Lupin looked like a wolf hunting his prey - and you looked delicious in his eyes.

"Miss Y/L/N..." he kept walking towards you, causing you to automatically take a few steps back, getting close to the wall. "What a little girl like you is doing in the hallway off hours?"

The words got stuck in your throat.

"I-I-I... Ah... I..."

Then he smelled it. He smelled the firewhisky on your breath.

A surprised moan came out of your lips when Professor Lupin pushed you against the wall, pressing his body on yours; his 6'2" height rising dangerously over yours much shorter.

"Were you drinking?" his tone was not as gentle as usual; it was rough and demanding. His question came out almost like a growl.

You gulped.

Your heart beat wildly and you never felt so hot like that before; you wondered if you could burst into flames just with that interaction.

"No!" you lied.

"Y/N..." was the first time Remus said your name; you loved how your name sounded in his voice. "I think you're lying to me," he whispered close to your ear.

You felt shiver over your spine.

"Professor, I-I... I don't..."

"I, I" he repeated in a mocking tone, appreciating how nervous you looked before facing you intensely again. "Don't lie to me again. You won't like what I'm going to do to you if you lie to me again.”

You gasp with your words, and to your embarrassment, a pathetic moan came out of your throat.

Remus growled; he clenched his hands firmly, trying to control himself to not fuck you right there in the hallway - his cock already hard inside his pants.

"Or maybe you would like it" he thought to himself.

But at the same time your groaning excited him, it also awakened him from his trance. Remus remembered who he was; he was your professor and you were his student. He couldn't do anything with you.

He took a step away from you, reluctantly; taking the time to admire how delicious you looked with your breath intertwined, your cheeks blushed and so submissive.

You were disappointed when you could no longer feel his warm body against yours, but you stopped yourself from saying anything. Honestly, you had no idea what had just happened between you and your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher; it seemed wrong and it certainly was forbidden, but you couldn't help but want more.

"You will go back to your dorm. No more firewhisky for you, do you understand, Miss Y/L/N?" he asked, looking at her intensely.

"Y-Yes" you stuttered nervously.

"Yes, what?" he growled.

"Yes, Professor Lupin" you corrected yourself quickly.

A smile appeared on the man's face full of scars.

"Good girl" he couldn't prevent those words from coming out of his mouth. "Now, go" he said authoritarian.

You nodded before heading back to the party; the drunkenness seemed to have left your body completely and you almost felt sober.

Almost.

Your little interaction with Remus fucking Lupin still made you feel a little dizzy.

Y/F/N found you halfway through, she guided you to your common room and brought you to your dorm.

That night, you slept quickly because even though Professor Lupin had taken you out of your drunk state, you still had a good dose of firewhisky.

Unlike you, Remus Lupin could not get a good night of sleep.

He thought about you all night long; the way you seemed to submit yourself completely to him without any hesitation, how small and fragile you seemed and how easy it would be for him to throw you on bed or any other surface he could fuck you into oblivion, the way you pressed your thighs together when he approached you - you didn't notice it, but he did.

Remus thought that, maybe, having you wasn't something so surreal; that, maybe, you wanted it too. But he remembered the firewhisky smell on your breath.

He knew he should never have done what he did.

He should have controlled himself.

The next day, he waited for Dumbledore to tell him that he was fired, but that never happened. He waited a week, two weeks, three weeks, more than a month passed and absolutely nothing happened.

Remus didn't know if he should be relieved or if he should feel like the worst man in the world; you had completely forgotten what had happened that night.

Or that's what he thought.

In fact, you remembered every minute of yours little interaction in the hall.

You remembered the way he looked at you ferociously, his predatory walk, you remembered perfectly the growl that came out of his throat, his body against yours, his chocolate and parchment paper perfume, and you, definitely, could never forget how dominant and controlling he acted - and how your body surrender to that behavior; how you liked it.

"You won't like what will happen to you if you lie to me again", it was his words, and Merlin, you had the most absolute certainty that you would love anything he did to you. And you would still beg for more.

You waited for Professor Lupin to come to you, but he never did. You waited more than a month and nothing happened.

It was as if that night had never happened.

Of course, you felt disappointed - very disappointed - but it was your last year at Hogwarts. Your last year walking through those halls, having dinner under the starry sky of the Great Hall, cheering for your house team at Quidditch, resting on that tree next to the Black Lake and enjoying the view from the Astronomy Tower, and you wouldn't waste it lamenting for your Dark Arts Defense teacher.

You graduated. And you thought you would never see him again.

But fate had other plans for you two because in that summer of 1995, you met at Grimmauld Place, number 12.

It didn't seem wrong anymore and it wasn't forbidden, so you promised yourself:

You were going to find out what Remus Lupin was hiding.

[heystephen]

its TIME! oh OH - ps i wont be revisiting the songs I already did weeks ago to keep things shorter Charlie be quiet "If she knows you're in love, she's gonna run, run away" - Mastermind. plain and simple. Taylor planned for Charlie to fall for her and he got really worried about it. "I'm not going out looking dumb Telling all my friends how you're the one" - "it would've been fun if you would've been the one" "When you touch me?" - "Do the girls back home touch you like I do?"

There's a first time for everything "Never thought that I would actually miss you Never thought that I'd be dying to kiss you" - "I always felt I must look better in the rear view, Missing me" "Thinkin' 'bout you really messed with my heartbeat" - Taylor's heartbeat in wildest dreams "Saw her on the TV Had the bleached pink hair with the ripped jeans And I thought, "What if I could meet her in real life?"" - this is LITERALLY about Taylor in the IKYWT music video and Charlie pining after her before they met and then he explains how they met, but remember, she orchestrated the whole thing because Mastermind "Stayed up, late night" - all of midnights and all of Taylor's songs about staying up late "We were trying our best to pretend, like That when the party's done, we'll go our separate ways, but We knew, yeah, we knew Pretty soon, it would be only us two" - New Year's Day anyone? cleaning up bottles with him on nyd after everyone leaves!

Smells like me (i think i did this one but I cant remember oops) "Tell me, do you ever miss me when I'm gone? Wonderin' what body I'll be on" - "If I wanted to know who you were hanging with While I was gone I would have asked you" "We can reconsider if you want" - "You can call me babe on the weekend" because she's not reconsidering the whole relationship but just hanging out together

Loser now, most of the lyrics are about Taylor here so I wont go over everything but the music video is SCREAMING cowboy like me

When you're sad I'm sad this is a mix of responses to both afterglow and getaway car

Marks on my neck "Why did I let you, Get all under my skin?" - "what should be over burrowed under my skin" because the relationship left a permanent mark on both of them "On the surface, you were perfect But you didn't really come to stay Now, when I look in the mirror I slowly watch you fade away" - is all anti hero taylor saying she'd rather look at the sun than the mirror and the ghosts in the video are actually charlie (himself), charlie (tiktoker), and charlie (musician) and according to Maroon, they both have scarlet marks on their necks sooo

Tears on my piano First of all - teardrops on my guitar, of course, just by the title. Then we've got music that they were dancing to and we know how Taylor loves dancing with people "Yeah, you know who you are I won't say any names" - he cant say because she made him sign an NDA, just like Billie Eilish does.

I dont think that I like her "Meet her parents, meet her brother" - all that was left for him was to meet Abigail I guess? "For me, the stars are alignin' But for her, it's bad timin'" - Midnights! Stars! It's A CLOCK! BAD TIMING!

No more drama "I sweard I dont love the drama it loves me" "Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover" so he doesn't have any more drama in his life because they're not together anymore "You start fights while we're up late" - "screaming crying perfect storms I can make all the tables turn" I mean he should have known it is an older song at this point so that's on Charlie

okay that's all I think? hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. i still don't know all the lyrics to midnights by heart to be able to quickly connect more of those songs but I did my best lmao

YOUR MIND

[hungerpunch]

ˁ˙˟˙ˀ

feeling weird and overemotional about vb departing merc and therefore lewis. f1 transitioned from a passing interest of mine to an intense hyperfixation after my dad died... it was like it was the only thing i could be interested in. i couldn't stay awake (depression slumber) for almost anything but f1 or work. i can't tell you why. it was just easy. i couldn't see my friends or family (covid) so all my grieving was done in isolation. i didn't have energy to text loved ones or reach out to ask for comfort from people. i didn't interact with the world, i didn't eat, i didn't take care of myself. i didn't care about anything, literally nothing, i felt as if there was not one thing in the whole world that would ever hold my attention again.

except for these stupid guys in their little zoomy cars.

maybe it was totally random. maybe it just happened because it was there. but in a way i really think i trauma bonded to it, and lewis and valtteri were a big part of that. i hadn't written in six years until i wrote a jagged, uneven, poorly-constructed little story about them, and it felt like i was carving my heart out of my own body and presenting the deepest and most vulnerable part of me.

there was something there between them that just hooked me. the way they seem like polar opposites, on the surface, and work so well together. the respect between them. the narrative of them. the hurt. the courage. the united front. the bigger picture.

it feels like something huge to me to see them split, even though it's a routine fact of the sport. drivers rarely seem to be teammates for very long. val and lewis have had a great run. should be grateful for what we've gotten and move along, huh? i think it makes me so sad partly because they were there when i got into the sport and in some ways that becomes formative, no matter who you are. partly because, as far as i can tell, they are actually some of the most exceptional teammates in the history of the sport. partly because i held onto them and the way they made me feel when i couldn't feel anything, anything at all.

it seems extremely melodramatic to me because no one is dying! no one is retiring! they will both still be on the grid! i'm not saying goodbye to anyone! but it is, inarguably, the end of a story. a story i'm in love with.

anyway what this honestly stirs in me is just. the way we attach to things when we're traumatized. the human psyche. the way strangers you will never meet can ease you up from total and utter despair. the way fandom serves as community, the way sports serve as community, the powerful intersection of those things. the odd things, the random things, that become beacons in troubled hours.

historically i'm really bad at change. i mean, i adapt to it fine technically, but it always induces great emotional tumult. i think i'm just opening a vein here to say that it will be really really hard to watch valtteri's last race with mercedes, to hear his last radio message with mercedes, and to see his last hug with lewis as teammates. like i will probably actually cry, which is unfortunate.

ah, alas. sending all the gratitude to them for what they've given. thank you lads for hoisting me up from the bottom of my depression ocean to the surface of life again. thank you for your earnestness. thanks for the memories ❤️

[nexyra]

RWBY Analysis - Ozpin & Ruby, on the concept of leadership

In her song "Burned out", Dodie sings of her fans, how they look up to her and how uneasy that realization made her. For everyone is at the end of the day just as human as their neighbour; and having the hopes and expectations of others put upon you when you're just as lost as them can be a frightening thing. And this... made me think of Ruby & Ozpin.

On the subject of leadership, Ozpin tells Ruby the following : “Being a team leader isn't just a title you carry into battle, but a badge you wear constantly. If you are not always performing at your absolute best, then what reason do you give others to follow you?”

While I love this quote, I also have to analyze the drawbacks of this mentality and how they align with both Ozpin and Ruby. At the time, Ruby is a newly appointed leader and unsure of this reality. Ozpin's counsel give her the confidence needed to step up as a leader and take her duties more seriously, which in return appeases Weiss' and make their team all the more balanced. It is, in that context, good advice. A good leader should strive to lead by example and work hard to be worthy of the respect others give them, both in and outside of battle.

However there is one aspect that I find much more complex and that is... what does it mean to "always perform at your absolute best" and to have others follow you ? Note the use of follow, people letting you lead alone as opposed to "standing by your side" or a similar expression. It showcases in my opinion one of the biggest problem of Ozpin's leadership, but one that I feel has been inadvertently repeated by Ruby's.

- - - - - - - -

To cultivate hope and lies

When it comes to Ozpin's lies, I am of the firm belief that he had good intentions. Soo if you think he's the scorn of this earth, this might be a good time to tap out :D Now, this said I have a lot to say on the subject but I'll keep this short to stay on track (& make another unrelated post to develop my thoughts.)

In my opinion, at the core of his lies stand different beliefs. And on the subject of leadership, I think one stands out in particular and aligns with the advice he gave Ruby : the need to perform at your best to give others a reason to follow you.

Ozpin is the reincarnation of a centuries-old wizard and the headmaster of a school : what is one aspect almost every character agrees on upon meeting him ? "Oh, he's wise. He's knowledgeable. He has the answers. He has his shit together. He can tell us what to do."

Inherently, Ozpin's existence inspires respect and reassure. Just like to a child, a parent is all-knowing and unbreakable, Ozpin's status automatically give others the assumption that he knows what he's doing. And this, in my opinion, is one of the core problems of his leadership.

May it be with his inner circle, with RWBY, with ANYONE really; as soon as Ozpin reveals himself there are unspoken expectations that will chain him. He has the knowledge, he was here when it all began, he's the one calling the shots so he HAS to know exactly what to do. In that situation, breaking down and revealing to everyone how lost Ozpin is, how out of his depth... is unconceivable. And this is where Ozpin's conception of leadership becomes a problem as well. If you always perform "at your best" then you keep your doubts to yourself, you hide your sorrows and you put on a brave face. There are expectations in place that Ozpin wants (needs even) to meet. And thus the hopes of others and Ozpin's desire to fulfill them feed one another, as a perfect recipe for disaster. Because the more time Ozpin spends acting as if everything is under control, the more the expectations pile up... And coming clean about his humanity, the fact that he's just as powerless as the rest of them, becomes impossible.

And in that sense, breaking down the pedestal Ozpin had been put on was probably one of the best thing to do for his own mental health (though the method lacked a bit of compassion in my opinion xD)

The other part that somehow causes problem is how RELIANT on him his inner circle is. Despite their apparent friendship, Ozpin is the clear leader and as soon as he's out of comission, everything falls apart. Ironwood is the only one to call out Oz but in the end still wishes for the wizard to tell him what to do in period of stress. Qrow plays spy and takes order but doesn't seem really interested in stading at Ozpin's side as an equal. Glynda is stern but still defers to him etc...

All of them FOLLOW Ozpin but are just a few steps off from standing at his side. And this is something I see reflected in Ruby.

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

Following optimism up until it fails you

In Vol6, as secrets and lies are brought to the light, the loss of Hope that Ozpin feared so deeply happens. Is it worth it ? What are we even going to do with an immortal foe ? Maybe we should just go home. In that situation, Ruby is the simple soul who manages to keep her optimism, stand tall and say "No. We are taking the lamp to Atlas." And from then on her position as a leader and a bacon of light is reaffirmed. As Jaune put it in V4 "You gave us the courage to follow you."

Now is that, in itself, a problem ? Of course not. In fact I loved seeing Ruby come into herself and take the lead in Vol6. The problem in truth comes after, from the ramifications. From Vol6 onward, Ozpin has essentially been rid of his leader position and Ruby inherited it. And on a surface level sure, they are pretty different. Ruby is certainly closer to her partners : they're a family and they care about each other.

However, she is still clearly put at the lead. The others relied on Ruby's optimism and resilience to get to Atlas, and continue to do so. Setting foot in Ironwood's office, Blake tells Ruby "We'll follow your lead". They trust her, and whatever Ruby does... goes. They lie to Ironwood and Yang expresses some hesitations but eventually rally to Ruby's decision. And I emphasize this again : it is Ruby's decision. They did not pre-emptively discuss this as a group and then let Ruby be the spoke-person. Yang herself in Vol8 criticizes not their actions but Ruby's choices. Ruby calls the shots, Ruby is responsible for what happens, Ruby is their beacon of hope... Ruby is the new Ozpin.

Ruby has to be optimistic, and make the decisions and take risks because she's the leader. When Ruby leaves the room to break down, conversation & strategy stalls : the others don't take the lead. When things go south, it's Ruby's choices that led them here. Ever since Ruby has left Beacon, the only person who consistently encouraged Ruby to express the BAD, to share the negative has been Oscar. Even her silver eyes ask her to focus on only the happy memories to go off without a hitch ! The others comfort, they smile, they trust, they love even. But they don't want depressed Ruby finally grieving, they don't want honest "I don't know what to do" : they try to bring back confident and optimistic "we're gonna try" Ruby Rose. They want their earnest and happy but ultimately perfect leader that gives them reason to follow. In the end, even if they deeply care for her and have no shortage of warm coated reassurances for the teen, they still chain her down with their expectations. Ruby is NOT built for this. And I don't even say that in the "why is a kid calling the shots" sense, but "why is a kid put in a position where she's RESPONSIBLE for calling the shots ?"

Ruby is the youngest of the group apart from Oscar. The others should not rely on her this much to function. Blake telling Ruby that she looks up to her and that they'll follow her lead is admittedly sweet, but still builds up the pressure weighing her down. Blake calling out for Ruby's help when the teen has just been crashed to the ground by the Hound isn't even sweet anymore. They're all supposed to be equals. Blake is just as capable as Ruby. Calling out to your mind-controlled friend to bring them back from the edge is good. Calling out to your 17-old sister who's been beaten up because you need her to fight isn't.

They need to recognize that Ruby should not hold up the place alone. Because yes, they love her. But at the end of the day, Ruby is still the one bearing the weight of their decisions... Alone, even surrounded.

✦ ✦ BURNED OUT - DODIE ✦ ✦

He was certain; So was I There was comfort in her sighs

Dreams and ideas should not be the same thing You waited, smiling for this?

Oh, she'd want it, if she knew She could take it, I thought too Be careful, be cautious but you just wished harder You waited, smiling for this?

"But they love you!" Over and over, "they love you!" Thousands and thousands of eyes just like mine Aching to find who they are

"Oh, they love you!" Oh, you can feel how they love you ! Coated and warm but that's all they can do Words only get through if they're sharp

Oh, how fitting For one so fake Make me a fairy Whatever it takes

And just like a tale my dream was a scam You waited, smiling for this?

I am burnt out I smell of smoke It seeps through her cracks and so I start to choke Sentences sit in her mouth that are templated You waited, smiling for this?

Oh, maybe I'll talk about it... (maybe I'll talk about it) I can just talk about it... (I can just talk about it) I'll never talk about it... (I'll never talk about it) No, I cannot talk about it...

Don't build hope on something broken I am not cartoon. Cry for help, I am not joking I might just leave soon

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

COSMIC - S3:E3; Chapter Three, The Case Of The Missing Lifeguard - [Pt. 5]

A Will Byers x Reader Series

𝘌𝘭 𝘨𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘭 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘫𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘉𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝘞𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭𝘴 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦𝘨𝘶𝘢𝘳𝘥, 𝘞𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘔𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘓𝘶𝘤𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘋&𝘋. 𝘋𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘱𝘺 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘙𝘰𝘣𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘱𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘙𝘶𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘢𝘯 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘨𝘦.

⚠️: Castle Byers scene. Meaning lots of angst, self destructive thinking, and misguided self punishing

📝: Started making it... had a break down [fr tho]... ¯\_( ツ)_/¯ bon appetite! 👩‍🍳 [edit: told ya 💀]

🔑: underlined and bold means they're talking in Russian

||𝟑𝐑𝐃 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐏𝐎𝐕||

Warm rain spits from the angry blanket of clouds, falling through the sky and drenching Mike and Lucas to the bone despite their rain gear. Mud splashed up onto their ankles and drenching their socks as their bikes skid up the Byers driveway. Without a thought, they throw their bikes into the ground before racing up onto Will's porch.

It had taken far longer than they cared to admit to decide to go and find Will. To make things right.

Mike was realizing far too late just how right Will was. He didn't even recognize himself anymore. El had become such an important piece of his life, but he hadnt realized until now just how much he let his feelings screw up all the wonderful things he had in his life to begin with. He missed how things used to be. With the party. With Y/n.

With Will.

All the anger he feels towards himself is channeled into his fist banging on Will's front door.

"Will!" He cries. "Will, I'm sorry, man, alright? I was being a total asshole. I've been a total asshole. Please, can you just come outside and we'll talk?"

No answer but the thundering clouds rolling over their heads. He pounds on the door again.

"Will!"

Lucas hurries to the window, cupping his palms against the glass and peering inside. He knocks on the window, doing his best to peer around the curtains and furniture obscuring his sight.

"Hey, Will! Come on, man! We're sorry!" He knocks again, growing nervous. "Will!"

||𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐋'𝐒 𝐏𝐎𝐕||

'Sorry, man. Curfew,'

'For the last time, Will! No!'

-'What, so I should be locked up all day, too?'

-'Maybe!'

Huffing, I throw the wrinkling comic book into the old mattress. Nothing was working. Nothing was enough to distract me. I was too angry.

I looked down at the withered cover of the comic book I had just thrown, my chest sinking further. Dustin's X-MEN 134, he gave it to me after that night at the hospital.

Thinking about it now, I can't even remember the last time all seven of us hung out as a party. I don't count Dustin's welcome home. Mike and El couldn't be bothered to pretend to care, and Lucas and Max kept ganging up on Dustin. Dustin was understandably upset and not wanting anything to do with us, leaving just me and Y/n. And now, not even her.

How did everything get so messed up?

What was I doing wrong?

I looked around the walls of Castle Byers, a lump forming in my throat. Everywhere I looked, I was painfully reminded of the truth.

My friends don't want me anymore.

I keep telling myself that's bullshit, but the more I do the more it feels like a lie.

They're moving on without me.

Friends don't just forget you, I reasoned. They don't just abandon you.

Then why were they doing just that?

Maybe they weren't my real friends. Friend's don't do what they did.

Everything hurts. I've been telling myself I'm fine, that I'm overreacting but I don't think I am anymore. I'm just tired. I'm tried of feeling like this. I'm tired of being pushed aside, especially when I need them most.

They didn't use to be like this, I tell myself. But somehow that just hurts more.

I had people that cared about me, who were willing to risk their lives to save me. Twice.

And now they don't give me a second thought.

I was shaking now, but I don't think it's from the rain. The storm had finally reached me, seeping through the walls and dampening my clothes and hair.

Another painful realization hits me; Castle Byers looked just like it had the night I built it with Jonathan.

Even though this night was so much like the night Castle Byers was constructed, it couldn't feel more different. More unfamiliar.

My teary eyes find my first D&D manual, propped up against the wooden walls, soaked and forgotten like me. I'm painfully reminded of the night all this started.

I remember it as clear as if it were yesterday, and yet it feels light-years away.

'Something is coming. Something hungry for blood.'

《•••》

"What is it?" I ask, edging further off my seat.

This time it's Dustin who cuts in, "What if it's the Demogorgon?"

Oh, great, I think, throwing myself back in my seat with an anxious huff. We're not ready to face a Demogorgon!

Beside me, Y/n draws in an equally anxious breath.

"Oh, Jesus, we're so screwed if it's the Demogorgon." Dustin rambles on.

"It's not the Demogorgon." Lucas says, assuring us all.

《•••》

My eyes trail to one of my favorite drawings; Will The Wise and Y/C/N. The one I had made when Y/n was first constructing her character. The one that hung in my room for so long, always cheering me up. The one that gave my mom the idea to help me communicate my now memories.

The one that Y/n always threatened to steal for her room as often and as recently as her last visit. The memory of her warm touch lingering on my cheeks burned as bright as the blush raging over me that night so long ago.

'Wait a minute... Did you guys hear that?'

《•••》

The anticipated silence in the basement left by Mike grew louder as he leaned in.

"Boom..." His voice grows louder. "Boom," Louder.

"BOOM!" Mike bellows, slamming his hands against the flat surface, rattling the table and all its contents.

The sudden noise was enough to make me and my friends jump, as was the sudden hand grabbing for my own.

All the more startled, I look down to see Y/n's hand grasping my arm like a lifeline. I feel my skin flush, my cheeks surely reddened as I catch her eye. She looked flustered, smiling a small smile before retracting her hand and returning to the game, unknowingly leaving me in a dizzying blush.

•••

"Will, your action!"

"Fireball!" I cry, throwing the dice to the board with a satisfying rattle.

"FOURTEEN!"

My friends erupt into cheers, all around me as we celebrate together.

"BOOM!"

"Direct hit!" Mike cries, beaming proudly at me across the table. "Will the Wise's fireball hits the Thessalhydra!"

Our excited shouts fill the basement, each and every one of us victorious. My smile can't get any wider when I feel Y/n's hands grip my shoulder and begin shaking me excitedly. We both laugh, feeling on top of the world with our cheering friends by our side.

《•••》

Pained, I look away only to find the proof right in front of my eyes. My three favorite pictures; all of them, my friends and me — happy — staring back up at me.

Our photo from the science fair, encased in the popsicle frame Mike had made bearing all of our characters' names along the side. I brought it here, I brought all my favorite pictures here, to Castle Byers — to my safe place — cause that's where I knew I would need their comfort the most.

But as I look at them now, all I feel is bitterness and pain. I'm reminded of just how much everything has changed.

The science fair was a reminder of the good thing I had before that night. Before everything started.

Y/n and me, at the Snow Ball. My arm wrapped around her, the two of us grinning nervously. It wasn't just the night Y/n and I had first kissed, it was also the first night I felt like the Party had gotten bigger. All of us, Max and El included had been happy. Everyone was laughing and getting along, the happiest we had ever been — the strongest. But now I see it was really the beginning of the end.

It had been coming for so long and I didn't even see it.

And Halloween. Last Halloween, everything had been perfect. For just one. Single. Stupid. Moment.

Shakily, I pick up the photo Jonathan had taken of all of us in our costumes. We were all smiling.

We were all happy.

'Who you gonna call?'

《•••》

I beam as I see my friends pulling up, looking just as excited as I felt.

"Ghostbusters!" I finish, watching as they look me over, happily surprised.

"Hey, Spengler!"

"Egon! Looking sharp!" Y/n grinned, pulling me into a quick hug.

"Janine!" I beam. "Venkman!"

《•••》

As I look at it now, my eyes and throat stinging as Mike's voice echoes louder than ever in my mind.

'I mean, what did you think, really?'

What was I thinking?

'That we were just gonna sit in my basement all day, playing games for the rest of our lives?'

How could I have been so naive?

'it's not my fault you can't move on!'

How could I have been so... so...

"Stupid." I tell myself, my voice splitting in my throat. "So stupid!"

My hands trembling violently with rage and my own sobs, I tear the photo in two.

I was stupid. Stupid to believe I was as big of a priority to them as they were to me.

I rip the drawing off the walls, tearing it to pieces.

Stupid to ever think they'd still cared about me.

I rip and tear and crumple up every meaningful piece of them in an act of defiance.

They won't care. I think bitterly. They won't miss these, they probably won't even notice. Not like I would have.

I grab my bat.

How could I be so fucking stupid?!

Why was I hanging on to all this stuff anyway? Why was I clinging so tightly to something that was already gone?

Because I've been stupid. I'm just some stupid kid that won't grow up.

I storm out of the tent.

I'm just some stupid kid who can't grow up. They made that perfectly clear.

I stand in the pouring rain now, heart thundering in my chest as I stare at the piece of my childhood I couldn't let go of.

So. Stupid.

And I start swinging.

I swing and I swing, with an anger and frustration I've never felt so intensely until now. It's been building my whole life and I didn't realize it. Every swing is simultaneously the best and the worst I've ever felt. Every slur I've heard from my dad, from Troy, is channeled into the bat. Every ounce of frustration and fear I felt since I came back from the Upside Down that nobody understood. Every laugh, every jeer, every single moment I've felt alone is channeled into the destruction of the one place on this earth I ever felt safe.

But it holds up and in the back of my mind, I hear Jonathan again.

'And it took so long cause you were so bad at hammering'

And I start kicking, and I start ripping the walls apart until it's a crumpled heap and I stop.

The sight of Castle Byers in ruins breaks me even harder.

I didn't want it gone, but I did it anyway. That part of me that was angry at myself, told me to keep going. Cause that's what I deserved for believing things could stay the same even though deep down I knew that wasn't true.

I finally stop when I see the castle in ruins.

Exhausted, I collapse to the ground beside the wreckage.

As I sob, stewing in the pain and overwhelming grief I felt I was drowning in, the rain pours heavily over me, soaking me to the bone.

Just as it had the night it had been built.

And now, Castle Byers was gone.

||𝟑𝐑𝐃 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒���𝐍 𝐏𝐎𝐕||

When blue meets yellow in the west.

8:41 pm. It was almost time.

The yellow and blue clock hands were illuminated by a flash of lightning, streaking through the mall's skylight. Starcourt had long since closed, and the real activity was just beginning.

Stationed at the loading docks near the back, standing under the worst storm Hawkins had seen in years were two guards. They watched through the downpour as the scheduled truck backed its way under the concrete cover.

And perched on the roof, just out of sight sat Dustin, Steve, and Robin, scouting from under their rain slickers.

"Look for Imperial Panda and Kauffman Shoes," she reminds them.

Steve wipes away at the rain dripping into his eyes, squinting even further to get a clear picture Dustin already has.

A man in a bright yellow raincoat emerges from a hidden side door, a trolley cart full of packages marked with a familiar insignia.

"They're with that whistling guy!" Dustin says suddenly, motioning out from behind the only pair of binoculars.

"What do you think's in there?" Steve wonders, eyeing the Lynx logo on the back of their many yellow jackets.

"Guns? Bombs?"

"Chemical weapons?" Robin tries.

"Whatever it is," Dustin says, now cautiously studying the heavily armed guards. He had to admit to himself, they really weren't trying very hard not to be obvious. "they're armed to the teeth."

"Great," comes Steve's sarcastic voice, once again rubbing at his eyes, silently wishing he had brought a coat with a hood. "That's great."

A soft clink that would have been obnoxiously loud had it not been for the noise of the storm brings their attention to another guard. Having pressed a glowing button on a small control panel, two large metal doors swung open to reveal another room.

"Hey!" Robin says, squinting through the rain as she tries to get a glimpse without the binoculars. "What's in there?"

"It's just more boxes,"

"Let me check it out," Steve says, grabbing for the binoculars.

Huffing, Dustin fought to keep his grip on the binoculars. "No, I'm still looking!"

"Lemme see it!"

"Hang on!"

Steve's grip had loosened with the slick of rain, sending the binoculars knocking into the cement. The issue had already been forgotten when they saw the guards' attention had been stolen. Simultaneously, the three of them dove to the ground in a panic.

The guards began to pace, grip on their firearms tightening as they gaze out into the night. Seeing nothing but empty roofs and angry skies above them, they unknowingly miss the trio huddled against the roof wall.

Just out of sight to the right of Dustin, Steve and Robin sat panting as they try to calm their racing hearts. Way too close a call. And neither of them had realized what they had done until their eyes landed on their entertained hands. Just as quickly as they notice, they break apart, embarrassed.

Down below, the guards were now on high alert. One of them, unable to shake the feeling of being watched, stalked into the rain with his eyes deadset on an open spot on the roof. He was certain he heard the noise come from that direction.

"Stay here!" He orders to the other. "Watch the door!"

Reluctantly, his partner complies and inches back towards the doors.

When he finally reaches the top of the stairwell, he hesitates only a moment before he throws the roof door open, gun cocked.

But he was met only with steady claps of thunder and an empty roof.

Had he been wrong?

Or had he just missed whoever had been here?

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

Clothes drenched, their shoes sloshing underneath their feet like sponges, Steve, Robin, and Dustin slip out from the shadows and make their way throughout the back halls behind the scenes of Starcourt.

"Well, I think we sound your Russians," Robin quips.

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[not-so-mundane-after-all]

Alright, so- Inspired by my awesome friend @undertheknightwing who created this AMAZING list of Dad!Dick Grayson headcanons (go check it out!!!) I decided to write down the mess I have in my own head into this giant ball of fluff, humor and angst.

So let me present you:

The Graysonfam List of Headcanons and Analysis

It's a looong ass list of my headcanons, mixed with an analysis of some scenes, looking into the motives and behavior of the characters. It's in more or less chronological order and divides into groups: season 1 (+2x01), the time jump, season 2, season 3 hopes/predictions and future. If you want me to turn any of these into fics or you feel like you could do something with it, just let me know. And now... ENJOY!

SEASON 1:

The first time Dick thinks of Gar and Rachel as his kids happens during the events of 1x08 and 1x10. It's pure instinct and it doesn't come to him until much later when he realizes that not only he thought of them this way but he actually meant it.

When he and Donna start translating Kory's notes and it becomes clear that Rachel might still be in trouble, he's immediately on his feet, asking Donna for the keys to her car and ordering her to take the books with her, so they could continue on the way. He's acting fast, ignoring Donna's questions because there's no time for explanation, my daughter is in danger. He almost says it out loud - almost. 

When Donna tells him the danger clearly comes from Kory, he wants to deny it. Kory adores these kids just as much as he does, she would never hurt them. But he puts his feet on the gas anyway, breaking every speed limit possible, because if one hair falls from Gar's and Rachel's heads, he will burn the world to find the person responsible, even if it's Kory (especially if it's Kory)

When they get there the first thing he sees is Gar being thrown in the air, and his mind short circuits to only one thing: Gar, my boy, my son. Is he okay? Thankfully Donna takes care of the rest so he's free to take care of the boy. He pulls him up, holding him tight by the shoulders and makes sure he's okay, but the words 'my son' are still circling his mind.

Speaking of Donna - when Dick starts telling her about Rachel the first time, she wants to cry from happiness. Over these past five years all she saw in Dick's eyes was pain and suffering. A storm of bottled up emotions, raging monsters of anger ready to get out. His body looked weighed down, as if he was Atlas holding the world on his shoulders. And now he's talking about this little girl who threw a brick at a cop car in Detroit and his eyes start to shine as if they were stars in the night sky. His smile grows when he brags about how smart and witty she is, how she's more intelligent than she gives herself credit for, how similar the two of them are. He talks about her bravery and her big heart and he sounds so damn proud Donna's heart is about to burst out of her chest. "I thought I couldn't do it." he tells her. "I fucked up so many times. But she had awakened something in me. I just can't describe it." She can but she doesn't say it - he needs to get to it on his own. (Over a year later, when the girl who turned her brother's world upside down tries to guide her back to the light through the darkness of afterlife, Donna finally says "I always knew he'd be a great father someday. You have no idea how much he loves you." "He told you that?" Rachel asks quietly, trying to hold back her tears. Donna looks at her and smiles. "He didn't have to. I saw it in his eyes.")

Then Dick gets to the part about finding Rachel's mother and suddenly something changes. He's trying to seem like he's happy for her, he says he's glad everything ended well and now Rachel can start a new life but Donna sees right through his facade. He thinks he can't be a part of this new life and it's killing him.

Which brings me to something very important I've noticed a long time ago - Angela's presence makes Dick hold himself back. That's why he decided to leave - Rachel had her mother back, a guardian who could take care of her from now on so he wasn't needed anymore. His job was done. But at this point he's already too attached to just leave like that and when he learns that danger isn't over he comes back immediately. But when he gets there he's met with a wall. Angela is very territorial (we all know why but Dick didn't know that) and Rachel is too overwhelmed by everything but let's be real - if Angela wasn't there Dick would be hovering over Rachel like crazy. But he doesn't. Why? Because he thinks it's not his place to do so. It's easier to go after Kory than to just be standing there awkwardly, wanting to help and comfort but not being able to.

He remembers everything Trigon put him through - every fucking detail. There is some stuff from the vision he wants to laugh at - Him and Dawn? Married? Maybe once upon a time he entertained that thought but he abandoned it long ago. There are things he's actually grateful for - seeing Gar and Rachel as they could be in the future, grown up, in college, happy. That's the one thing he doesn't want to forget. And Johnny - he doesn't want to forget Johnny either. 

His mind was sort of awake, in two places at once, even though he didn't have any control over his body. He remembers chasing the kids around the house, Gar screaming "Real life horror movie!" as he and Rachel tried to run away from him. He remembers Rachel pleading with him when the others were beating the poor boy. He wanted to respond, wanted to let her know he can hear her but he couldn't do anything. He watched helplessly as his own hand pulled Gar up and finished what others started. He screamed and shouted but it was in vain. And then he cried and howled like a wolf watching as Trigon ripped Rachel's heart from her chest and crushed it in his hand, then placed the red gemstone in her forehead. He remembers her dark eyes and evil smirk. He remembers thinking it was over, feeling heartbroken and defeated. He gave up, let the darkness swallow him whole. He didn't want to see more, it was easier locking himself up in this vision because he knew Bruce laying dead in rubble wasn't real. And then she came to him. Back straight and head held high, piercing blue eyes locked on him. He remembers his tone when he spoke to her, taunting and dangerous but it didn't scare her. "We're supposed to save each other" she told him and he wanted to cry but Trigon had him wrap his fingers around her throat and choke her - another thing he would never do. He would never lay a damn finger on her and Trigon was well aware of that. But Rachel knew that too. And she wasn't scared. 

He remembers the circus she brought him into. Empty stage, broken chairs scattered everywhere. He never wanted to come back here. And even though his body stood there motionless he was trashing inside, wanting to get out of here but more importantly wanting to get her out of here. Seeing Rachel on that platform, ready to jump, it was too much. He couldn't lose her, like he lost his parents. He didn't catch them but he sure as hell was going to catch her. So when she fell - he snapped. Got the control back, his muscles acted on memory and he jumped. He flew like he used to and wrapped his fingers around her wrists, holding her tight. He caught her. He would always catch her.

When they wake up all he wants to do is hold her. Relief almost sends him to his knees. But then Gar walks in, all bloody and bruised and all that relief turns into freezing agony and guilt. I did this, he thinks. It's my fault. But there is no time for apologies or explanation, Trigon is still there. Letting Rachel go deal with him on her own is hard but Dick knows she could do it - and she did. Seeing her walking out of that fog is one of the most beautiful views he saw in his life. And when he finally takes her into his arms he doesn't let go until Kory basically rips her out of his embrace.

He wants Kory to go with them. Kids need her. His idea of giving Gar and Rachel a new life included her. Included both of them, taking care of the kids together. Things between them are tangled and complicated but one thing that is neither of those things is their attachment to these two. But Kory just got her memories back, she has her own issues to deal with, she needs time and space - and he respects that, so do Gar and Rachel. But Dick would be lying if he said he didn't notice their disappointment.

The first day of their roadtrip across the country is quiet - mostly because they are all so goddamn tired. Dick pulls up to a motel before dark, deciding that the more sleep they get the better. They pick two rooms next to each other, Jason and Gar in one, he and Rachel in the other. Rachel immediately vanishes in the bathroom, so Dick has time to sit down and think (as if he wasn't doing it the entire day while driving). An idea is shaping in his head, memories of a beloved city in sunny California come to the surface of his mind and he knows this is where he wants to take the kids. But he has to make a stop at Gotham first, he needs to talk to Bruce and most importantly return Jason home. Rachel walks out of the bathroom in fresh clothes Donna left for her and crawls into bed without a word. He takes his time to tuck her in, then sits down on the edge of her bed. She's beyond exhausted, but she's safe, she's with him, everything will be alright. He will never let anyone take her away from him again. And when he's watching her fall asleep, holding her hand in his, three words come to his mind, words he's not ready to say aloud yet but he knows them to be true. I love you.

THE TIME JUMP:

Physical affection is something I think the show is pretty good at showing but I still crave to see more. It's clear that Dick struggles to be affectionate, whether that be through words or touch. And he doesn't even realize he's actually very good at it. Why? Because whenever he does it, he's acting on instinct. The biggest proof? All his hugs with Rachel in s1. Boy had no idea what to do, it was written on his face, but his arms went up nonetheless. He didn't freeze, he didn't push her away, but reacted accordingly. The hugs in 1x02 and 1x04 are the only ones he initiated on his own, but he still wasn't sure if he's doing it right. As the show went on he slowly eased into it, but was still taken by surprise when it happened (1x08, the first hug in 2x01). By the end of 2x01 he seems to be pretty comfortable with it but I think it's during the time jump when he really starts to understand the importance and power of physical affection and how these kids really need it. The pat he gave Gar on the shoulder in 2x03 or their hug in 2x09 felt really natural, same as the goodbye hug with Rachel in 2x13. All three of them got comfortable with each other during those first three months in SF. Which leads me to…

Cuddle sessions. Yes, this is definitely a thing at Titans Tower (*cough*Grayson*cough*household*cough). It starts that first night when Dick, Rachel, Gar and Jason gather on the couch to watch a movie. Rachel lays down and rests her head on Dick's thigh while Gar settles comfortably on his other side. Dick has no idea when it happened but he freezes for a moment when he realizes his hand is on Rachel's head, fingers carding through her hair. The girl seems to be asleep already but stirs when he stops and asks him to continue, so he does. Soon after that Gar's head lands on his shoulder as the boy starts nodding off. The sudden contact wakes him up and he pulls away awkwardly, apologizing but Dick tells him it's okay so Gar leans back against him. The feeling of having the two of them so close brings a sense of calm to Dick and soon he falls asleep as well. He wakes up in the morning with the two teenagers basically laying on top of him and Jason standing over them with a smirk and a phone in his hand.

After that it sort of becomes a thing and not just during movies. Whenever Dick sits down on the couch, whether to work or to simply relax, Gar or Rachel (or both) would find him and snuggle to him, at first hesitantly, but with more confidence as the time passes and they get comfortable with it. After three months of living together all Dick has to do is pat the spot next to him for them to jump on the couch and cuddle up, tho Rachel is the one who does it most often and with no hesitation.

Dick very quickly starts understanding how important it is for them so he starts returning the favor. A good job pat on the shoulder during training, a kiss dropped on the top of the head during breakfast, a comforting shoulder rub when they aren't feeling well, emotionally or physically. Gar loves when Dick ruffles his hair, he even leans into it sometimes, while Rachel's favorite things are forehead kisses and tucking her hair behind her ear (but neither of them would ever say that out loud)

Words are as important as gestures, which brings us to affectionate pet names. It feels normal and almost ordinary when it comes from a woman - Rachel has been called 'honey' by Melisa and 'sweetheart' by Dawn but she wasn't phased by it. But when Dick calls her 'honey' for the first time, she nearly drops her coffee mug. It comes out so naturally and he doesn't even realize he said it, but it takes her breath away and she needs a moment to collect herself. With Gar it's usually 'Bud', 'Buddy', or 'Tiger Boy' spoken affectionately and he's always beaming with happiness when he hears Dick saying that.

One night, shortly after Trigon, Rachel slips into his bedroom in the middle of the night, saying she can't sleep. The memories are too vivid, too real. Her lips are trembling and she looks like she's about to fall apart and that's all it takes for Dick to sit up, open his arms for her and with full awareness and conviction say "come here, baby girl". She falls asleep snuggled to his bare chest and Dick feels his throat getting dangerously tight. He'd seen many times, mostly on TV, images of parents holding their babies to their bare skin - something about creating a bond through skin-to-skin contact. He was never able to wrap his head around this concept, but now, as he feels Rachel's cheek pressed to his heart, her hand closed in his resting on his stomach, the understanding hits him like a speeding train, pushing a tear or two out of his eyes. It's something indescribable, feels profound and almost sacred. The love he feels in this moment is overwhelming.

Gar has nightmares too, he usually wakes up screaming. It scares Dick at first, how he reacts, because the boy pulls away, wide eyed and shaking, and doesn't want to be touched. Guilt overwhelms Dick because he's sure it's because of him, because of what he did to Gar while being under Trigon's control. He tries to apologize and Gar accepts it but explains to him that his nightmares are not Dick's fault and they are not even about that (Dick can feel the boy is lying for both of their sakes but lets him anyway). It takes a few tries and lots of pleading and building trust but one night Gar finally falls into Dick's arms, sobbing into his shoulder. He pulls the boy close, runs his fingers through his hair just like Gar likes it and whispers "it's okay, my little boy." over and over again until Gar's body goes limp in his hold and he can put him back to sleep. Neither of them mentions it in the morning, but Gar gives him a look full of gratitude, filling his heart with warmth.

One evening during their first week in SF they organise a 'bonding night' - Gar's idea. There's take out and board games and staying up all night, talking. At some point one of them suggests sharing any hidden talents (besides superpowers of course) and details no one knows about them. Jason admits to being a theatre nerd ("it's thespian you idiots!") and proves it by flawlessly rapping verses from Hamilton. Gar thanks to travelling with his parents can fluently speak few African languages, he also shares that during his time at the Doom Manor Rita taught him the basics of playing piano. When it's Dick's turn he gets up from the couch and vanishes for a few minutes, but eventually comes back with a guitar, saying he had learned to play during his circus days, but hadn't done it in a while so he might be a little rusty. He plays a few cords, trying to spark his memory and when the notes finally come to him, a beautiful melody fills the room (I always imagine it's Viva la Vida by Coldplay). And suddenly this melody is joined by an angelic voice - Rachel closes her eyes and starts singing quietly, recognizing the song. She only opens her eyes when she's finished and finds the three of them looking at her in absolute awe, Dick's eyes seem to be a bit watery. She gets a bit embarrassed and says it's nothing but they start cheering and clapping anyway. Gar asks her where did she learn to sing like that and she admits she used to sing in a church choir when she was little, but had to quit after her powers started showing. The night ends with a little jam session and lots of laughing.

Gar and Rachel grew up on golden era of Disney Channel shows (Jason knows them too but he'd rather be tortured than ever admit that) and once the news is out Dick is forced to sit through the entire run of Wizards of Waverly Place. But watching Rachel flawlessly impersonate the main character Alex, knowing every line word for word makes him grin like a madman and laugh so hard his stomach hurts and tears roll down his cheeks. He pulls her to him and she falls on him in a fit of uncontrollable giggles while Gar and Jason give her a standing ovation.

SEASON 2:

While hanging out together is important, Dick also makes sure he gets to spend some time with each of them separately. With Jason it's mostly through training - the boy isn't very keen on spending one-on-one quality time outside of the gym, but prides himself to be Dick's right hand man during lessons, having more experience over the other two. With Gar it's video games most of the time - Dick learned to play specifically for him and actually started paying attention to gaming lore. But it's not just that - Gar has a talent to anything tied to technology so they spend a lot of time together in the tech room where the boy learns to operate the Tower system. It brings both of them a lot of joy. Rachel, as the only girl in their little family, often needs some time away from the boys, so Dick takes her on walks in the mornings or a drive around the city, shows her his favorite coffee shop which soon becomes their favorite spot. They talk about everything and nothing, because conversations were the thing that brought them so close in the first place, and it just feels good. 

Rachel also loves spending time with him in the tech room - but not like Gar, she's not learning to run it (although she picked up a thing or two) but she's simply there to keep Dick company while he works (can he even call that work if he hasn't been officially working as a detective for quite a while now? Not to mention his resignation has been sent to Detroit the day they arrived in SF). She brings him coffee or snacks, stands behind his chair with her arms around his neck, observing whatever he's doing (and asking lots of questions) or simply sits in the other swiveling chair, drawing in her sketchbook or turning around so many times Dick starts to worry she's gonna get dizzy. He asks her one time if she's not bored sitting here with him but she just shrugs and says she'd rather be here than anywhere else and his heart grows tenfold as he smiles at her

So remember how Rachel lost control and attacked Jason in 2x03? And how Jason shouted "Stay away from me you fucking freak!" right in her face? And how Dick walks in like 3 seconds later asking if everything's okay and the tension is HIGH??? Well, he might have not seen what happened, but he definitely HEARD the full thing, he was within the hearing range. The fact that he didn't attack Jason immediately is really impressive, if this was s1!Dick - Jason would be on the floor right now, probably with a swollen eye and few broken bones. But here Dick is trying to play it smart and investigate. If it wasn't for dr Light he would probably get to the bottom of this and had a conversation with both Jason and Rachel. I'm thinking of writing a one-shot AU where he actually does it (mostly thanks to Gar who is a terrible liar when caught of guard)

When the last cab drives away and the Tower becomes empty, save for him, Gar and that boy in the infirmary, Dick does not leave to meet with Adeline immediately - he goes to Rachel's room and starts scrubbing it clean from all the crosses painted all over the place. His eyes are burning, the bile in his throat is the size of a tennis ball but he doesn't allow himself to cry. At some point Gar joins him and wordlessly starts helping him. It takes them a little over an hour and when it's done they both drop down on her bed, sitting shoulder to shoulder. "She'll be back." Gar tells him. "I'm not so sure." Dick replies, not looking at the boy. Gar puts a hand on his shoulder. "She will. You just wanted to protect us. Deep down she knows that, she's just angry." Dick knows Gar's reasoning is valid, but looking at his own reflection in the broken mirror he can't help but think that in the long run Rachel will be better off without him. They will all be better off without him.

It's not until his first night in prison that Dick starts to regret his decision to cast himself away. He wakes up in the middle of the night with tears in his eyes, his mind still reeling from dreams of Gar and Rachel seven years in the future. They were adults, happy and independent - that's good, right? That's what he always wanted for them. But his tears start to fall when it comes to him, hitting him like a wrecking ball, that spending 7 years behind bars means he won't be able to see them grow up. Something like a panic attack comes next and he is barely able to pull himself out of it. He's suddenly overwhelmed by questions. My kids… will they be okay? Is Kory back at the Tower or is Gar still alone? What is he gonna do when that strange boy wakes up? Was there any food in the fridge when I left? I left Gar some money, but still… God, and Rachel! She has never been on a plane before, what if she gets scared and her powers start acting out? What if she gets night terrors again? Will Donna know what to do? His head is spinning, these thoughts are suffocating him. Only a breathing exercise Bruce had taught him years ago is able to help, but it takes longer than usual. Dick doesn't sleep for the rest of the night.

He's not sure how but when Dick sees a bird in a window of his cell, he knows it's no ordinary bird. It's a raven. It's her. He gets up on his feet despite his knees being weak and wobbly and he smiles, grins like an idiot as he calls out to her. Because it has to be her, right? But all hope leaves him when the creature flies up again with a croak and disappears from his sight, leaving him alone. Dick drops to his knees, feeling more exhausted than ever and curls on the floor, his body shaking from shivers. No one is coming. He brought it on himself. He is forgotten already. But then he hears quiet tapping and something nudges his hand. He opens one eye only to look right into a ruby red one. The bird is here, inside, right in front of his face. It flaps its wings and its feathers turns into dark smoke for a moment. "Rachel…" He breathes out, holding to his last shreds of consciousness. The raven lowers its head, snuggling it to his forehead and before Dick passes out again he hears three words said by this quiet, angelic voice he loves so much: Don't give up.

When they bring Donna back to the Tower and lay her down in the infirmary Dick feels empty and overflowed at the same time. He goes to strip off his new suit and change into something more comfortable but it's a struggle when his hands are shaking so much. He goes back to infirmary and passes by Dawn in the doorway, who walks out of the room with Donna's Wonder Girl belt in hand, not even lifting her eyes up at him. He closes the door and sits down, taking Donna's hand in his but he is able to sit there for only ten minutes before the feeling of her hand growing cold in his makes him want to run away. He makes his way back to his room but takes a step back when he notices two colorful heads in the training room. Gar and Rachel are sitting on one of the benches with their backs to him, talking quietly. Gar is hunched over and Rachel has her arm around him and her head on his shoulder. The sight makes Dick's throat tight. He walks up to them quietly and they only notice him when he's standing in front of them. They simultaneously lift their heads up, showing him their red, swollen from crying eyes and his heart can't take it anymore. He falls to his knees in front of them. "I'm here." he whispers as he takes their hands in his. "I'm right here." he whispers again and his voice breaks. Suddenly two sets of arms are wrapped around him when both Gar and Rachel throw themselves at him, sobbing into his shoulders. He holds them tight, kisses their heads and lets his own tears fall into their hair as he keeps promising them he is not leaving them ever again. 

SEASON 3 HOPES/PREDICTIONS:

First few weeks without Donna and Rachel are absolute torture. Grief is normal, he's been through it before, it's nothing new (maybe more painful and guilt-ridden than he ever experienced). But not having Rachel around and how it impacts him on day-to-day basis after spending every day with her for the past few months is something totally new and unexpected and Dick is pretty sure he's never felt like this before. He's overprotective to the point of being overbearing and Gar points that out to him numerous times. He keeps making her breakfast, forgetting she's not gonna show up in the kitchen when the clock strikes 9 am. He keeps looking into her room like he's expecting to find her there. He constantly checks his phone as if she were able to call from Themyscira, where there's no signal, let alone phones. "Is it what sending your kid out to college feels like?" Hank asks him one evening and Dick almost chokes on his beer. Gar laughs so hard he falls off his chair. 

Rachel does everything she can to not cry in front of Dick when they say goodbye to each other but the moment the plane is in the air, she breaks. It was one of the hardest decisions she ever had to make and seeing Dick so broken definitely didn't help. But she has to at least try to bring Donna back, she wouldn't be able to forgive herself otherwise. So she gets herself together and keeps telling herself to be brave. For Dick. For Donna. For her family.

Gar becomes the center of family's attention and he can't say he doesn't love it. That spot always belonged to Rachel after all, but he was never jealous, nor he resented her for that. She totally deserved it and she can take the spot back when she returns (but he's never gonna let her get away with not saying goodbye to him). He's the 'A-Student' now during training, Dick is putting some extra work to make sure he learns as much as he can. Kory helps him a lot with the trauma CADMUS gave him and works with him on the development of his powers. He tries turning into other animals and after a month of struggling he finally turns into a mouse. Kory walks with him sitting on his shoulder around the whole Tower like the proudest mama in the galaxy and Dick's beaming with pride for the entire week. 

After Dick's off-hand comment that Rachel is missing on so much Gar starts to record vlogs on his phone about what's happening at the Titans Tower so Rachel can watch it and catch up when she's back. The material he gets is pure gold and even when others beg him to delete it, he refuses saying this is too good to be destroyed. 

The day before Rachel's first attempt at resurrection she uses a freshly learned trick to come to Dick in his dream. They meet on the beach she's currently on, meditating. Seeing him for the first time in three months makes her want to cry but she promised herself to be strong so he wouldn't worry and she holds her tears at bay. She falls into his arms with the brightest smile and burrows her face in his chest. He's holding her tight, asking if everything is okay and she nods, not quite trusting her voice at the moment. "I can't keep you here for long, but I needed to see you." she tells him. She's not sharing any details about her plan, the less he knows the better, but he begs her to be careful and stop if it turns out to be too much for her. Dick pulls her to him one last time before she has to serve the connection and presses his lips to her forehead. "I love you." he whispers and she closes her eyes, hugging him tighter. "Come home soon." "I love you, too. And I will."

To find Donna's soul Rachel needs to go to The Underworld, which is a dark, scary place (well, for the most part). The search is difficult and the journey ahead of her is long. On her way she meets other people, souls who sometimes want to help her, sometimes otherwise. She sees Adamson and all the people who were after her, drowning in a river of fire, calling for help. One hand grabs her by the ankle and Rachel looks down right into the hollow eyes of her birth mother. She struggles to set herself free from Angela's hold but eventually the creepy hand lets go of her and Rachel runs away. Not all the meetings are painful though. She gets to see Melisa again - she tells her about Dick and Gar and Kory and everything that happened. "I found him, mom. I found the boy from the circus." she says and they both start to cry. Melisa tells her how proud she is and lets her continue her journey. But the most surprising meeting happens right before the end. Rachel knows their faces only from her dream and the blurry videos she found online. But the resemblance to Dick is undeniable - he has his mother's eyes, his father's hair. Mary Grayson takes her into her arms with tears in her eyes, saying how happy she is to finally meet her. They chat for a while, laugh and cry together like they've known each other their whole lives. "He's so lucky to have you." John tells her. "Tell him we're proud of him." Mary asks her when she is about to leave. "And come back to him in one piece." Rachel nods, holding back tears. "I will, I promise." 

When Rachel arrives at Wayne Manor it's already dark outside. A black car pulls in the driveway. Dick, Kory and Gar are waiting by the main entrance and when the car stops they approach it and Dick opens the door. Rachel is sleeping in the backseat with her head falling on her shoulder and the view is so beautiful and adorable that Dick stops for a moment to just look at her with a dreamy smile on his face. He lifts his hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and leans in whispering "welcome back, sweetheart". She smiles without opening her eyes and instantly lifts her arms to wrap them around his neck. They both laugh as he pulls her out the car. She steps away from him for a moment to hug Gar and Kory but sticks herself back to his side immediately after. Gar takes her bag and the car drives away while the 4 of them head towards the door.

She failed (or at least she thinks she failed) and that first night back she cries her eyes out into Dick's chest, apologizing over and over again. "It's okay, honey." he tells her, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Remember what I told you back at the airport? No matter how strong we are, we-" "We can't always change the world." she finishes for him and smiles through her tears. "I know. I've had those words in the back of my head every day." They lay in silence for the next few minutes, Dick's hand slowly stroking Rachel's hair. She hesitates a bit but then starts telling him about meeting his parents. He smiles at her through tears. "I'm so proud of you." he whispers. "You've grown so much. You're so strong. Going away was a good decision, it gave you skills and experience you wouldn't have gotten here. But now I'm just glad I have you back. I was worried sick." Rachel smiles into his chest. "I'm not going anywhere again."

As happy as Dick is to have her back, some part of him wishes Rachel stayed longer on Themyscira. Everything that's happening in Gotham is making him consider sending her and Gar away to some place safe and hidden, The Justice League has a lot of those. But his kids are Titans - they both remind him of that. "You didn't train us to hide." she tells him. "We can handle this." Gar adds. And Dick believes them. And he's so proud his heart can barely take it.

Donna's return comes as a shock to everyone - Hank brings her to the Wayne Manor one day, saying they bumped into each other at some restaurant in the city. "How-" Rachel asks with eyes opened wide in disbelief. Donna smiles at her. "I don't know. I got lost, but… I found my way back somehow." Dick slowly walks up to her, his eyes welling up with tears. "But the spell-" "It worked." Donna explains. "It just needed more time." After that he sweeps her into his arms and extends his hand to Rachel to pull her in as well. He holds them both as close as he can, kissing their heads and swears to himself to never lose either of them again.

FUTURE:

Thoughts about adoption appear in Dick's mind more or less when he brings Gar and Rachel to San Francisco, but they are more of an abstract dream than something that could be real. But as the time goes on those thoughts become more and more solidified and are too big to be ignored. He finally decides to talk to someone about it and that someone is Dawn, mostly because they've had this kind of conversation before. "It's a big responsibility - taking her in. But taking care of a kid is complicated, you know that better than anyone." These words stay with him every day, that's why he goes to her. He struggles to say what he wants to say but she understands and hugs him with tears in her eyes saying she knew he'd do it sooner or later and that she couldn't be happier for him. She helps him with paperwork and prepares him for meetings. He breaks the news to the kids the moment everything is ready. They're suspicious of the 'gifts' he hands them since it's neither's birthday today and there's no holiday. They share a curious glance as they rip off the shiny gift paper to reveal two folders of documents (while Dick almost dies from anticipation and nerves). Gar is the first one to react - his lips slowly stretch into the biggest grin imaginable. "For real? Are you serious? This is real stuff?" his voice grows louder and more excited with each following question and Dick can't help but laugh. Rachel stays quiet though. She stares at the papers in her hands with her brows furrowed. Seconds pass and she's not moving. It's like she's not even breathing. "Rachel?" Kory asks quietly, taking a step her way. And then the floodgates open. Rachel's face twists into a grimace as she starts sobbing uncontrollably. She covers her mouth with her hand to muffle it but there's no use. Dick walks up to her, terrified he did something wrong but then she throws herself into his arms, repeating "thank you" and "I love you" over and over again. Dick pulls Gar to him as well and hugs them both. "You're my kids." He whispers to them. "I love you more than anything in the world. And nothing will ever change that." By the time of Rachel's 16th birthday she and Gar are officially Graysons.

Dick and Kory get married the following year. It's a glamorous but small ceremony with reception held at the Wayne Manor. For the months leading to the big day the kids (with the help of the entire team and few other people) prepare something very special - and the idea comes from Uncle Clay. Turns out Clay, as the closest friend of Dick's parents, owns a small storage unit where he keeps some of the stuff from the circus, including personal things - like a box of journals of Mary Grayson, who had been writing them since she was a child. Clay tells Gar and Rachel a story about how Mary used to write poetry which then she turned into songs and sometimes performed them at the circus. He even still has some of her stage outfits. The three of them get the idea that Gar and Rachel should look through tapes with her performances and pick one song to sing together at the wedding - and that's what they do. They find a beautiful ballad where Clay accompanied Mary on the piano (he teaches Gar how to play it) and in secret the team prepares the whole show. The performance happens during the Bride and Groom's first dance. Gar enters the stage in a tuxedo, says a few words and starts playing. Dick and Kory start dancing slowly but stop for a moment when he starts singing the first verse. They have no idea what's coming next. Rachel, in Mary's dress stands in the crowd surrounding the couple. Hank comes to stand behind her and secretly puts a microphone in her hand. She comes in for the second verse of the song and that's when Dick and Kory stop dancing completely, too surprised to move. They watch in absolute awe as Rachel joins her brother on stage and they finish the song together. When Dick realizes he actually remembers this song from his childhood and that the dress Rachel is wearing belonged to his mother he breaks down in tears. After the song is over the kids join their parents on the dancefloor for a bone-crushing group hug (and to help you imagine this even better this is the song I imagine them singing)

The day Rachel and Gar get their college acceptance letters is one of the most stressful days in their lives. They're in the Tower's kitchen, both holding the envelopes in their hands, afraid to open them. "What are you guys waiting for? Open it!" Kory encourages them. They agree to do it on three. Dick holds his breath, gripping tight his wife's hand. The kids read the letters, fully focused. There's a stretching moment of silence, and then… "I got in!" "Me too!" A lot of screaming and laughing and jumping around happens afterwards, but even in the chaos of all of that Dick can feel a burning knot tightening in his stomach.

And I thought sending Rachel to Themyscira was hard, Dick thinks when they drop Gar and Rachel off at college on their first day. Thankfully it's the same college, but it's in Chicago and it's still half a country away from home. He's not sure how many times he checked already if they have everything they need, if they haven't forgotten to pack something, if they are absolutely sure they know their schedule and so on. Kory, standing next to him with her hands on her growing belly, laughs at him fussing over them. Gar and Rachel just smile and nod, seeing how stressed he is. Yes, Dad, we're sure we have everything. Yes, we checked. Of course we'll call. Yes, Dad. Okay, Dad - and so on. At some point they all start laughing at the ridiculousness of it all but suddenly Dick is getting choked up. His two little birds are leaving the nest and he should be handling it better than he does. Seeing him clearlyon the edge of falling apart Gar and Rachel give him a tight hug. "I'm sorry." he says. "I'm just trying to let you go a little. Let you grow up." "It's that hard?" Rachel asks him and he looks at her - tall, beautiful, confident, brave and smart. Perfect. But he also still sees that little kid he met in Detroit. "It can't be that hard." Gar adds and for a moment when Dick looks at him he thinks he's seeing double - the young, handsome and courageous man who is standing in front of him now and that overexcited cheerful kid who joined them on their little road trip. "It's impossible." Dick tells them, pulling them back into another hug. "It's fucking impossible." Soon they have to go or they will be late for their classes and Dick and Kory are left alone on the campus. "They'll be okay." his wife tells him. He has to swallow down a bile in his throat and push back some tears before answering. "I know."

Oh and remember Dick's old silver Porsche? The one he traded for a minivan? Yeah, he got it back (don't ask him how). Rachel owns it now. Graduation present. And don't worry about Gar, he's got his car too. Grandpa Bruce got him his dream ride.

Woah... This turned out WAAAAAAAAAY longer than I thought it would be. If you made it this far (and even if you didn't) I hope you enjoyed.