#but u know what they say. it’s just brain vs [redacted] brain

[cloudslou]

x

[prongsmydeer]

Ayesha Liveblogs Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story

The opening credits are beautiful, I'll give them that

"I know that no one who looks like you or me has ever married one of these people, ever." Bridgerton: Now Even More Suspicious When It Comes to Depictions of Race

Even permitting for the thirteen children, Queen Charlotte seems pretty neutral about her granddaughter's [redacted] LOL

"Very brown. Thoughts?" Me walking into parties in high school

Not Lady Danbury's Crypt Keeper-ass husband removing his teeth to sleep

"Lord Danbury. Imagine." [Tensely] "I am imagining." Lady Danbury knows that a title needs an heir

"You may be too beautiful to marry me. People will talk, given that I am a troll." George is handsome to the point of distraction

"Either way, the choice is entirely up to her." I know it's like bare minimum but I do appreciate George reinforcing Charlotte's autonomy in the matter of their marriage

Charlotte changing outfits is fun for two reasons 1) That she is showing that she will be her own woman as Queen and 2) The superstition around seeing the bride in her dress before the wedding

Honestly, honestly. Get u a man who will bequeath u an investment property and give u ur space whenever you want it.

"Do we not spend this night together? My governness said that is what happens on our wedding night." [Pregnant pause] "Fine. I shall stay." What is George's deal? Surely even the pretense of consummation is necessary?

George from Bridgerton 🤝Derek from Swan Princes: How to Offend Women in Five Syllables or Less

Charlotte does not mince words for her Virgin and Whore Adult Children:

"Your father and I made 15 royal babies all by ourselves. I do not see why the whole lot of you cannot make just one." Mad props for surviving 15 rounds of childbirth in Georgian England

Say what you will about Charlotte's currently loveless marriage, at least she's eating good food

HAHAHAH we finally get gay characters in this show and it's Five Steps Behind Brimsley and There's Nothing Wrong With His Bits Other Guy

Justice for Benedict and Eloise, who are bisexual and lesbian to meeee

"I do not know a single soul here except for you. I'm completely alone, and you prefer the sky to me." Even if George refuses to be a husband to Charlotte, he can at least be a friend

"What if he puts another one of his gigantic babies inside me?" Am I to take this as Lady Danbury has living children or nah

George sending Charlotte a dog is another green flag

Thank God for Lady Danbury, no one will ever tell the Bridgerton women what sex is when they ought to

"But it can be such a pleasure." "Or it can be a painful, lifelong sentence." Danbury vs. Bridgerton: Marriage dichotomy edition

"I do not like the part where my head hits the wall over and over again. Is there a way to avoid that?" "Yes, there is a way to avoid that." George said: I want to be on bottom 🥰

George said: I am about to ruin the energy of our whole marriage in less than a minute

Is the King's tremor meant to represent his already being in the midst of his disease? :((

"Mother was going on and on to all the ladies at tea that their love means we now live in an unnatural society." Violet's mum said: The energy of this show isn't rank enough, time to be racist

Violet's dad calling her both Beauty and Brains as she asks questions 💝I love him

"So they are exactly like us. Better in some cases considering that several of them are from royal families of their own, and have much more money than we do." Violet said: I'm an ally

HAHAHAH George and Charlotte working out their issues in classic Bridgerton style, via sex montage

"It would be difficult for you to hear about the Queen being with child long after the fact, would it not?" Lady Danbury said: I will go to ANY length to avoid spending time with my husband (fair)

"I planned some correspondence that I need to write, so the time was useful." Agatha, Master of Dissassociation

Not Mama Ledger dissing the Tween Mozart LMAO

"I told you that I enjoy science. Part of that science is agriculture. I enjoy farming." "So King George is... Farmer George?" There's the Farmer George I've heard so much about

"Why do you not understand that you hold our fates in your hands?" Something something the distance from the nobility to the class it rules something something labour from women of colour (and specifically Black women) something something Bridgerton bringing up the outward dynamics of racial inequity while refusing to interrogate the fact Nearly Every Single Black Female Character of Significance AND Simon Has Had Their Reproductive Autonomy Taken Away (Simon's mother, Marina, Lady Danbury, Queen Charlotte)

Shout-out Brimsley and NWWHB (Nothing Wrong With His Bits) for being my emotional support background couple

"You can be a person with me." George and Charlotte uniting over their common understanding of their duty to support the nation ❤️

Lady Danbury and Lord Ledger ending racism one dance at a time

"Thank you." "You never have to thank me. We are a team." This line would've absolutely KILLED IT had it not been for the fact that Voltron already used this line in 2018, in a more emotionally substantive context (Shout-out my boy Shiro)

Not Lady Danbury and her homie Coral giggling and hugging because Lord Danbury is deceased (good for them)

Flhkfjhfkjhf Lady Danbury's 'Sorry I offended you about your dead husband, mine sucked,' tea is a social event on its own

"I was in the sky, but now I am going inside. Into Buckingham House." Charlotte immediately understanding that she needs to work within George's delusions :(

"Tell me, what would the people prefer: A royal baby, or cheap bread?" These principles do make for a good ruler, it is a shame about The Illness

"You command an entire kingdom. You can command yourself." George said: Friendship ended with early-onset neurological dysfunction, now personal affirmations are my best friend

(I really hope someone has done fanart from this ep with George and that meme 'I am no longer mentally ill')

Tfjfjhfjfhf imagine if instead of finding me the right meds for my nerve pain, my doctor just slapped me in the face and told me to get a hold of myself. Georgian England Medicine do be rough

"Her perfection is matched only by my deformity." Fuck. I did not anticipate how deeply Farmer George's story would hit from a place of like. Self-imposed exclusion due to living in a broken body. But damn

Did it really take until four episodes in for NWWHB aka the King's Man aka Brimsley's boyfriend aka Reynolds to get a name?

I am enjoying the retrospective on all of these events from George's side of things

"And just like an animal, I will break you." I no longer enjoy the retrospective on George's side of things

It really is the Ultimate Gesture that he's getting tortured so he can get be well enough to know his wife

If nothing else, the King has a solid homie in Reynolds

Really fair of Charlotte to be upset to be uninformed of what George was going through, but brutal that he's going back to Doctor Mon(ster)ro

"Do you suppose the Queen ever seeks...?" Omg I wouldn't expect Violet to be so saucy

Why are all the middle-aged women rising from their beds in the night is this going to be like that Glee song where everyone simultaneously discovers masturbation

"Loneliness is a battle even queens must fight for themselves." Penelope Featherington, somewhere: I gotta make fun of the Queen for having a mentally-ill husband

I'm pretty sure this captioning is incorrect, and what George is saying is, "Doctor! Doctor!" and not "Torture! Torture!" But both are accurate I suppose

Hahahaha not to add insult to injury for Violet, but Lady Danbury made eye contact with Violet's dad at Lord Danbury's funeral like she was thinking he was beekeeping age

"It's not surprising you should mourn him, he was your husband." You don't have to like someone to feel weird that they're dead

"I was three when my parents promised me. When a deal was struck. Three years old. So, I was raised to be his wife." Agatha's parents said have you heard of grooming? We have brought it down to a science

The People of Colour in Nobility raise fair points about succession

"I am sorry to report that she remains alive and well, Your Majesty." Brimsley said treason is allowed if it's funny

"Paint her skin lighter. Pale. His Majesty wants her to glow." 70% of fanart for any given fandom LMAO (also shout-out to the real world contention around images of Queen Charlotte)

"I will see you here tomorrow. Same time. You will wear better shoes. We can ramble together." I KNEWWWW there was some eye contact going on [Agatha as Animatronic Fox voice] I'm gonna fuck your dad, Violet

"Your garden is in bloom." "It is blooming out of control." It IS going to be like that scene from Glee

"Georgie, be a good boy and approve your brothers' marriages." "...I approve." The Princes forgot that there is one power that trumps even the monarchy: Being a mama's boy

"Your body is not your own." Welcome 2 having a uterus

At least Aldophus would be willing to intervene if his sister were in physical danger

"Rambles are there." "Rambles are there." "I am there." This would be so romantic if it were not directed at her future friend's dad LMAO

Agatha, somewhere in the present: My garden bloomed for your father once, Violet

"The hard part is done," said Princess Augusta, as if being married to a person losing grip on themselves for the remainder of their life is not a hard part

There is something that feels like empathy about Augusta saying that Charlotte never has to see her husband again, even if it's immediately followed by the clarification they could need another heir

Brimsley reaching out to Charlotte but unable to reach her due to Georgian social graces

I do feel for Reynolds, in his being caught and unable to do anything to help his partner or his friend/King

It is funny that we have not once seen Agatha interact with her children, given how family oriented the main plot of the show is. Historically accurate, mayhaps, but omg

"What do any of the women of the ton know of true friendship?" Agatha said: FRIENDSHIP IS FOR MEN AND THE POOR

"We are untold stories. And yesterday, you told me something of your story. And I, thank you." "You are most welcome." I love Lady Bridgerton and Lady Danbury's friendship ❤️

"It did not bloom until after he was gone." With your dad, Violet!

"I want to be gardened as much as possible." Violet said: Now that I have found my libido, I am open for business

Dominic Danbury is sooo cute I want a million more scenes of the world's tiniest noble:

I do love how they give specific context to what royal connections the Danbury family has in Sierra Leone, rather than leaving their noble connections in ambiguity

I know Charlotte's the queen but damn imagine having someone who has just stationed their whole business in your drawing room before you got home

"Where will Your Majesty go?" "Why, I have come here." Charlotte said: Be a pal and commit treason with me, Agatha

Agatha and Charlotte deciding to start their friendship sincerely 💗I love women

"I'm afraid." "Afraid of what?" "That I will not be able to love her." "Love is not a thing one is able or not able to do based on some magic. Some chemistry. That is for plays. Love is determination. Love is a choice one makes." Charlotte said: Love is companionship, William

"And these youthful fits shall become mere embarrassing memories." 1) Adolphus, you say this with the slightest bit of context as to why Charlotte left and 2) Not a good time to use the word 'fits,' it's a sensitive topic

"And I am not... coming inside." Finally the prophecy of dad fucking is fulfilled

Charlotte said: That's enough of this medical malpractice

You know, I didn't really keep a good count of Agatha's kids. Are there four already or does she potentially give birth to her homie's half-sibling LMAO

Also: It is deeply weird that Papa Ledger's method of hitting on people is the birthday hat he also makes for his daughter

Violet has now found the birthday hat; to be expected but unfortunate for all involved. Does she think it was her husband or does she know it was her dad?

"I see them. Do you not?" Brimsley is ride or die for Charlotte 4ever

"I love you. From the mo... from the moment I saw you trying to go over the garden wall, I have loved you desperately. I cannot breathe when you are not near. I love you Charlotte. My heart calls your name. I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know." COMMUNICATION

I love the double meaning in the last two lines, because it bridges right into him telling her about his condition so it's both "I wanted to tell you (that I love you)," and "I wanted to tell you (that I have been bearing this)."

"Perhaps one day [Violet] will have an unimpeachable reputation. Just like yours." I think this is how Papa Ledger has chosen to break up with Agatha

"I do not remember names. I am female." Me when I lie

"You do not know us. Any of us. You do not learn about us. You do not care for what we care for." Generational trauma: Royal edition

"They will be together, have a marriage, grow old as one. We would serve them together." "A lifetime." Gay marriage: Royal aide edition

"Losing a husband is... inconvenient." Augusta said: Sorrows, sorrows, prayers

"I will not engage with the princess. I've promised the Queen friendship." Agatha said: Loyal homies before royal homies

"Brimsley. Have you any family? Did you never marry?" Incredible that after approximately 30 years, Charlotte has not once asked Brimsley about his personal life. Oh, rich people

Lady Danbury is too honourable to ask Charlotte for help, even though she needs help with title succession :(

"I have loved and been loved. And that is all I shall say." Lady Danbury said: I will never admit to sleeping with your dad, Violet

"There is womanly work afoot." HAHAHA me when I want a man to leave

Were I Charlotte, I would not take kindly to the horse comparison, no matter how helpful it was

"And over the years, I learned I need not be content to surrender myself to the uselessness of female pursuits. Instead, I secured my son as King." Augusta said: Crying is for women, we are politicians

You know, all this talk of Parliament has suddenly reminded me how anachronistic George's haircut is. I wonder if he will finally put on a wig

"You have been an admirable adversary thus far. Our battles bring me satisfaction. So this, will not do. You are not allowed to come here and sob. You may not quit. Cover your bruises and endure. Do not lose control of your fate, Agatha." HAHAHAHA I can't believe Augusta is giving Agatha a pep talk and a shot of alcohol mid-title negotiation. That's mentorship

"I am sorry." Is George hiding under the bed? LMAO

Update from ten seconds later: He is

Sometimes, love is not about who will pull you out from beneath the bed, but who will get under the bed with you

"Not a full me. Not a full marriage. Only half. Half a man. Half a king. half a life." "If what we have is half, then we shall make it the very best half." 💘Oh Charlotte

I know Agatha doesn't NEED to marry a Prince, but I think it'd be fun if she did

"I will not say words with hearts and flowers, because I know you are not a hearts and flowers woman. But there is something here. Between us. I believe we could be happy together." Yet another marriage of companionship about to be tossed over for passion. Why does no one on this show what to marry someone who simply wants to provide them a life of kindness!!! (I know in Agatha's case, Lord Ledger is also kind, but not kind enough not to cheat on his wife and introduce his daughter to his mistress. Soooooo)

Why do they cut to the back-and-forth between invitation and sex like it is necessary preparation for the ball hahahhaa

George is representing a very real mental health experience of when you spend a long time in your house and then you experience like mild agoraphobia when you have to be outside again

Literally no one at this ball has hair like George LMAO. But why am I seeking anything historical in the Shonda Rhimes Cinematic Universe:

"I cannot marry you, but only because I cannot marry anyone." I respect this position if it's coming from a point of independence rather than for a different man. I love her regaining agency over the direction of her life!

HOWEVER. HOWEVER. AGATHA. GIRL. YOU HAVE NO INCOME. WILD OF YOU TO DENY ALL SAFETY NETS FOR YOUR SURVIVAL

"You make him happy. Thank you, your Majesty." This is the closest thing to a compliment Charlotte will ever receive from her mother-in-law

This show is pretty bittersweet, given all that we know becomes of the Queen and King in the future

Shout-out to Brimsley and Reynold's relationship for being the saving grace of this show

Hahahaha Charlotte finally gets her one (1) legitimate grandchild after 50 ones that she does not care to know about

"I only did not wish to place my burdens on top of your own." Agatha 💞

"I suggest your shift your fear into faith and come to us with your concerns directly. To do otherwise would suggest we are incapable of addressing them." Charlotte is such a good Queen

Charlotte said: Your mum WAS right about my child-bearing hips!

"I believe you should leave the hats where they are. They are lovely. As you say, cheerful." This is as close as Lady Danbury will come to acknowledging the dad-fucking

GEORGE NOW BEING THE ONE TO JOIN CHARLOTTE UNDER THE BED. THEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

"Your line will live on." "Our line." "Our line." Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The splicing between the young version of George and Charlotte and their younger selves. This is really getting to my heart.

"You did not go over the wall." "No George, I did not go over the wall." I'M GOING TO CRY, THIS IS MY FAVOURITE OF THE BRIDGERTON SEASONS 😭😭😭 ROMANCE!!

[tracynotabi]

Riptide Day 2 / Undertow

September 11, 2021

D-Day.

Kevin, Ivan, Joey, and I were getting a ride from Spencer, who was also taking Narq to the venue, while Robert and Parker got a ride from someone else. Well, at least we didn’t have to walk to the venue. I didn’t pack sunscreen.

At 9am, about half an hour we were supposed to leave, Kevin gets a stomachache.

Me: He just needs to poop. Spencer: The classic.

We end up going to the lobby to wait for Spencer in Narq, which was fine considering we actually didn’t want Spencer, our ride, waiting for us.

Spencer: Okay, Narq’s just using the bathroom rq lol Me: Is he also having tummy problems Spencer: Nah just bein stoner and forgetting to do stuff lol Me: The classic

We go get Chick-fil-A and I’m sitting underneath the dashboard again by Kevin’s feet. I think the employees were very bewildered, as the woman on the other side of the window did a double take. I would, too, if I saw a smaller-than-average person just hiding underneath the dashboard sipping on a cup of Coke.

Some time after I get to the venue during doubles, I end up talking to Jimmy (j u m), when Kevin comes rushing over to me, a panicked look on his face.

Forgot to mention, but Kevin actually couldn’t get all of his poop out before coming to the venue and now it is back with a vengeance.

He tells me that he’s unable to go to any restroom because there were three stalls in the men’s restroom: two were occupied and one was clogged with poop.

He had tried flushing the poop one but it only made it worse. It just clogged more and the water level rose. If he had sat down and insisted on finishing, his balls would be touching the water and that’s a no-no.

He tried asking the front desk for other restrooms, but he was informed it was the only one. He was desperate and you could just see it in his eyes that he was about to break.

Me, using the big, wrinkly brain that I had, told him to use the women’s restroom. He froze, not even realizing that that was an option.

Now before anyone complains, hear me out.

I would rather be in a restroom with a male in the stall next to me, than exit the restroom and see someone standing outside the men’s restroom trying to wait for a stall with a shit stain in his pants. Excuse the vulgarity, but it’s true.

If you’re ever at one of my tournaments and you need to go and no male restroom is unoccupied, for the love of god, please fucking use the women’s restroom. I do not need this mess on my hands and you best believe I’m shoving myself in the men’s restroom if I gotta fucking go expel unicorns and rainbows.

I go to the restroom with Kevin and stand awkardly on my phone to keep watch, because he didn’t want any of the staff members actually seeing him and risk himself getting kicked out of the venue.

That would’ve been extremely unfortunate.

Luckily, nobody else needed to go use the restroom while Kevin was in there and he was able to safely compete his duty (lol).

If anyone is upset at my suggestion, I’m sorry, but I wasn’t about to not provide such a simple solution for Kevin’s emergency.

Anyway, the tournament start shortly after that.

First match I pay attention to is Kevin vs. Wombat. In my head, I think it’s pools so I shouldn’t worry too much. I try to watch Kevin’s sets, but it makes me physically ill sometimes because my anxiety is wracked up like crazy and I just want to throw up. Many have witnessed me walking away and trying to distract myself multiple times at multiple different tournaments.

It’s like that gory horror movie that you can’t keep looking away from.

Besides knowing that I get sick, I figured it would be fine since I actually enjoy trying to support my boyfriend and watch him come out of pools winners’ side. Not meaning any disrespect by Wombat, by the way. He’s great. Just realistic. It’s like how I expect Kevin to lose to Bob.

Kevin loses Game 1.

Ooh my tummy’s doing barrel rolls like the way Twisty did with that pullout bed. I look away but I’m just so distracted by the crowd noises.

I totally get it, though. Obviously, it’s sick that Wombat’s holding his own against Kevin, who is seed 3 of the tournament. I’d be excited, too, if my friend was making an upset on someone else. But Kevin’s my boyfriend, so obviously, I want him to win.

Kevin barely wins Game 2 and I’m like ooooh boy. My tummy’s going to town and I think I gag a little by how sick I feel. Gotta focus on getting Joey his next match. *deep breaths*

When heartswaptv airs the whole tournament, definitely check out the set. It was really good (as far as I can hear, I couldn’t bring myself to watch the rest of it).

Kevin comes over to me after he’s out of pools and I scold him for making me worried.

AND YOU NOW WHAT HE SAYS?

Kevin: Babe, it’s fine - I almost lost to Zeddy at Redacted City and I got 2nd. I’ll be fine. Me: T____T *incoherent whining noises*

Does Kevin thinks he’s fucking cute for saying that or something? I was not amused.

Since I didn’t have to volunteer TO the entirety of the tournament, I bounced around mingling with other people.

At one point, I get a message from Suvir in our group chat about how he, Sosa, and Narq were planning on coming to visit NorCal. Of course, since Narq was already here, I decided to just go up to him and ask.

Me: So I heard you’re coming to NorCal? Narq: I am? Me: That’s what Suvir said. *shows phone* Narq: I guess I’m going to NorCal!

Suvir: Narq doesn’t actually know. Sosa just said he’d take him with him and said Narq would agree to go because he’s Narq. Me: Oh that makes sense why he had no idea what I was talking about.

It wasn’t until around top bracket did things start to pick up. Not too many spoilers, because (1) no spoilers before they upload the vod and (2) I have a terrible memory when it comes to the matches.

I remember holding up Kevin’s phone to stream to our Discord because we had some non-PM player friends who wanted to see and I think Kevin wanted Thomas (ThundeRzReiGN) to give him some advice throughout the tournament. Not actually coach, but to critique his play.

As more and more top players fell, Kevin made it a goal to do his best not to fall into the landmine that was Losers’. So many heavy hitters were large threats to him: Techboy, Malachi, Akimi, Cloudburst...

Not to say that Winners’ side didn’t have their fair share of monsters: Peter, Parker, Kumatora, Twisty, Nogh, Lunchables...

Kevin’s first match in Top 32 was against Bongo, who people sleep on quite a lot. For those of you that don’t know him, he’s a Captain Falcon from NY who actually beat Kevin at Flex Zone 3 in 2018. Kevin had beaten him at Encore, but it wasn’t easy.

Not to mention Falcon is a pain the butt for Mario. Unfortunately, the match was not recorded (as far as I know), and it was a very exciting match from what I heard. I avoided watching it because based on how long it took, I knew it had to have been a Game 5. During that time, two matches have been finished on “stream.”

Kevin had said his match against Bongo was the toughest one he had - not to discredit his other opponents, of course - but according to him, it was the scariest and closest. Also the threat of being put into Losers so early would’ve made the climb to Top 8 a lot harder.

His overall goal was actually to make Top 8. Despite being a third seed and rank 5, what I’ve noticed about Kevin is that he does have doubts about himself quite often. He’s never complacent in his opponents and worries all the time about being upset and I don’t think anyone puts more pressure on him more than himself.

As I watched my friends progress through bracket, all I can think is there’s not much I can do. I don’t understand the game very much, despite my heavy involvement in the scene. In fact, more often than not, I believe I understand the game the least compared to everyone else.

A tangent from the actual tournament itself is coming, but I think I should address why I’m even in this community:

While everyone loves the game, I love the community behind it. I find it worth it to sit/stand in one location for hours at a time because it allows my friends to enjoy the game they love comfortably without worrying how the tournament is progressing. They can focus on their own growth and passion.

I think what I see is completely different. Like I said, I don’t really understand this game - I can’t differentiate uairs, bairs, d-smashes, etc. I compute it in my head, but can’t visualize it. I don’t recognize most combos - in fact, more often than not, I’m sitting there just staring at the screen kind of blankly. Sometimes, it does make me wonder if I really am part of this community because I don’t really understand the game.

I can’t say I particularly care too much about the game, but I understand how much of an impact it’s made on me and for that, I’m very thankful for this game because it’s led me to some great people.

Back to the actual event and less sap. lol. Is anybody still even reading?

For something put together in a mere two weeks, Trin and their team did an amazing job. Three recording set ups, graphics, a pot, a venue... props to them for gathering the scraps and making a whole out of it. And to think we almost didn’t go.

Madeline (Swanner) ended up coming and it was honestly so good to see her. We aren’t particularly close, but she’s someone I’ve come to care for and just want happiness for her.

Major spoiler, but I don’t think anybody who cares about PM/P+ doesn’t know Kevin won the tournament.

Everyone expected a pop-off, but Kevin just sat there, crying.

I don’t think there’s ever been anything that Kevin has been more passionate about. He loves this game; he loves this community. Never did it ever occur to him that he would win.

I wish I could say more, but honestly, him winning stunned me speechless. And if you didn’t know, the first thing he said after was that he had to call his mother.

His mom is one of his biggest supporters and I love her to death. She has such a huge heart and has never, ever frowned upon Kevin’s love for the game, whole-heartedly supporting it.

I hugged Maddy, because I can’t even imagine how heart-breaking it must be for her to see what could have been on the mainstage. I imagined how much it must’ve hurt her because she just loves the game and the community, but to see it constantly be torn down by Nintendo and her unable to do anything... Give Maddy a hug and thank her if you see her. She deserves the world.

We ended up walking home with PNW, Bob, Mar, Bongo, Cameron (LoyaL), Ivan, and a few others, honestly too dark to completely see and name. It was a very nice night.

We did, however, pass by the rundown house that definitely looked like if we were to talk in there, we’d be killed by the axe murderer that lived there.

Kevin also lagged behind a lot because his phone notifications were going off like crazy and I was worried he was going to just get lost in the darkness or get hit by a car. Stop looking at your phone when you cross the street, dammit.

We got back to our hotel room and ordered pizza - it was bad. God-fucking-dammit, Ohio, why do you suck so much? Kind of a shitty dinner to end the day on, but nothing else was open at 2am. FeelsBadMan.

[many-gay-magpies]

Smh i should really stop talking to my mom about anxiety/mental stuff because every time it only makes me feel worse

I love my mom a lot but like . sometimes there are just things that get on my nerves even though i love her. I kinda feel bad because like she tries so hard to understand and says she understands and I know she DOES to a degree so I feel bad for lowkey thinking like the whiny teenager all like "yOu DoN't UnDeRsTaNd Me" sometimes, y'know? Like the bottom line is our brains just work really really differently a lot of the time and she either wants to believe or genuinely believes that they dont

Every time I talk to her about my (non-clinical, probably) anxiety and what caused it (this girl bullying me for six years) she goes on to mention all the ways she was bullied as a kid and all the terrible shit she's gone through to say in the end "so I understand" when like all of that shit is way different from my experience so every time she says it inside I'm just like "yes but actually no"

Like, today i was talking about my bully to her and how I've started realizing that all my responses now are responses i was forced to give as a kid because of the situation i was in with my bully, and she went in depth and told me (all stuff she had already told me about before and also when i had been talking about my anxiety stuffs before) about how her mom forced her to sleep in curlers so she would have banana curls and made her wear dresses and how she got mugged really bad when she was older and all this stuff that is very valid trauma and sucks ass and i thank her for trying to understand me but at the same time all the shit that happened to her was surface level. Neither of us could control what was happening to us, because her mom made her dress like that and I couldn't just make this girl suddenly not have issues, but like a dress is still something you can change??? Take off??? Like it isnt attatched to you as a person. I cant change the fact that i exist, which this girl bullying me apparently hated me for. To her my existence was just like "oh i must hurt this person" not because of what i wore, what i looked like, etc etc.

She also kept subtly bringing up the fact that i had never been PHYSICALLY hurt by my bully and implying that because she HAD her pain was worse and i could have had it worse if my bully physically hurt me and ACTED on the threats to hurt me (which my mom's bullies did) and while yes that was true . My bully didn't threaten to physically hurt me at all so there were no threats TO act on she just talked to me like i was shit all the time and beat my self esteem about my personality into a meaningless pulp . I kind of wanted to scream in my moms face "YOUR PAIN WAS MOSTLY PHYSICAL WHILE MINE WAS EMOTIONAL, BOTH ARE VALID AND DIFFERENT" but i know she does know that-- but maybe it would have gotten the point across idk

I wish so badly that i could just tell my mom "I dont want/need you to understand, i just need you to be here" and like i could but . I'm not there yet

(Warning ahead, I'm sorry if this gets really long but like I wanna get it off my chest before i go to sleep bcs i feel like ill sleep better if i do)

Another thing that annoys me is that??? Every time??? I say something??? Or tell her how I'm feeling at the moment??? She just asks me??? "Why?"??? And yes its good to talk about stuff but I'm trying to explain to you in a polite way why i want to leave the conversation and that its making me uncomfortable and i just want to go to bed and you just go "but why are you uncomfortable?" Or like if i tell her I'm upset and i want to stop talking about it she goes "why are you upset? I dont want you to be upset" and I'm just. I literally just said i dont want to talk about this anymore can i please leave you cant control that I'm upset about this because continuing talking to you is just going to make me more upset because no matter what way i try to explain it i cant get my points across right to you and i dont want to say you dont understand bcs thats immature but you kind of dont understand

I want to tell her "This conversation isnt having the outcome i wanted it to have and i want to leave it before it makes me more upset so that i can go think on it for later" but I'm sure if i do. that shed just go "but WHY arent you happy with the conversation tell me so i can fix it" and if i tell her blatantly what is making me unhappy (the fact that she keeps saying she understands and pouring stories of her traumas onto me to "prove" that she understands) then she's going to guilt trip me when were talking in the future by emphasizing the fact that i dont like when she talks a certain way and be all like "oh i wont tell you about my OWN experiences though because you said you don't LIKE when I DO that" and i just hhhhhh

Like every time i tell her she doesnt understand and try to explain it in a way that she WILL and it'll finally click it just. Doesn't and it makes me feel so defeated because every time i do that she just circles back around to "well i experienced all these types of trauma so i totally understand" and i appreciate the effort but that just isnt the kind of support i needed to make me feel content

And also when i was talking to her tonight i told her about a specific instance that happened in like 1rst or 4th grade where I was crying because the girl bullying me was just in one of those. Bad Moods™ where like she hated me for existing and talked to me like i was a piece of trash she had stepped in or smth and then she and a couple other kids asked me WHY I WAS CRYING and I didn't want to tell her "hey I'm crying because you keep hurting me and i dont want you to" because if i said that she would just hurt me MORE so i made up a lie on the spot and said that my parents had a small argument (I'm a sensitive kid and will cry at the barest hint of conflict between my parents so it checked out) and i was crying because of it and . Out of that ENTIRE STORY the one thing my mom zeroed in on was the fact that i told a lie that "painted my parents in a bad light"

Just. Like. Yeah. It did. But I wasn't even thinking about that at the moment?? Like it didn't even cross my mind??? The only thing i was thinking about was that i was scared and in danger and i probably would have said anything to get OUT of that danger (as fake or ill-perceived it might have been). But no, even later on after i had explained that in basically those exact words she still went back around to say "oh if it was bad enough that you told a lie about your parents to get out of it then she REALLY fucked you up"

Which??? By the way??? Is a whole other reason why i try not to talk to my mom about this shit??? Because every time i open up about it and want to have a conversation in a more logical/organized/"well here's the situation and here's what we can do about it" kind of way she always turns it around and says stuff like "damn [REDACTED] really fucked you up didn't she" and "I didn't know it was that bad"/"I didn't know it effected you that bad, you should have said something!" which. Makes me Feel Bad™, for some reason way more than my dad excitedly talking about reptile and monkey brains and how stuff that happened to us in the past is engrained into our brain and still effects us now, like instinct

She also always turns all of my stuff talking about emotions into "oh you're just a teenager" "you're pms'ing" "you'll grow out of it later"

Like one time i told her that her mind was always in the past or the future, always worrying about the past or the future, never in the present, in response to her worrying a bunch about something and how i had my mind in the present more often and her response was something along the lines of "well you're like that because you're young and a teenager, you CAN stay thinking in the present because you dont have all that stuff to worry about like an adult does, I'm an adult and i work a bunch so i constantly have stuff to worry about" and like. Yeah theres some solidity to that. But also i literally talked about that exact thing with my dad and HE said her brain was always in the past/future and never the present so I'm pretty sure its not just a teen vs adult thing

And then towards the end of this whole thing when i had finally managed to tell her "hey I'm uncomfortable in this conversation can i please leave and go to bed" and even further explained that it was because i went into this wanting to have a more casual/logic-based talk rather than an emotional discussion and . she's kind of of the mind that "why did you bring it up if you didn't want to have a deep emotional discussion about it" and I'm just HHHNNNNGGGG but also i actually DIDNT mention it, first i was mentioning how id been having sensory overload lately and how certain sounds of words hurt and then she said i should have a doctor check that out and then i said "I've been reading up on anxiety and sensory overload is a part of that so i figured that's just what it was" (bcs my dad gets sensory overload a lot too) which then ensued a ten-minute conversation about how i probably dont have clinical anxiety because mine isnt as bad as/like all the many, many people my mom has known who DO have it (throughout which i kept trying to tell her "just social anxiety exists too tho" to which she would respond "yea but u dont have these symptoms of general anxiety so i dont think u have it" and while i hope and think i dont i was just like HHHHHHH because i mean social anxiety and by social anxiety I DO NOT MEAN GENERAL ANXIETY YOU CAN HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY WITHOUT HAVING GENERAL at least i think idk i might be wrong) which i ended by saying "i probably dont have clinical anxiety but i do believe my brain has been wired to react to certain situations based on how i had to react to those situations for six years" which then lead to me talking more about my bully and my mom pretty much siphoning as much emotional vulnerability and opening up out of me as she could

And then at the end i told her "can i please leave i kind of feel like crying and i dont want to do it in front of a person at the moment" (because I haven't cried in a few months and i feel like I'm in need of a good cry tbh which in itself is something she doesnt really understand) which lead her to go "why do you feel like crying now I'm worried for you" and HHHHHHEBDJBEHNDEJHBDNEHDBEH yeah--

There's probably more i could say but I'm not going to, because its almost 1 am and while i had actually been about to sleep early at like ten she ended up roping me into an hour or two long talk about emotions, which is. Fun. And i have to get up in six hours so I'm going to go to bed. Sorry if this was a mess which I'm sure it is, i really just needed to get this out there lol

Also when i went to my dad after this to say goodnight (i actually like talking to my dad abt this stuff a lot since his brain and mine are just really similar) he gave me this lil smile and just said "deep breaths" and that made me feel better