#but to see it as this separate thing feels weirdly dehumanizing

[genuflecting]

conflating sexual orientation with genital preference is just so weird to me. I told someone I was gay last night and they asked if I was into dick or pussy, and it completely short circuited my brain as I tried to explain that it's about gender, not genitals. It feels like if instead of asking someone if they liked coffee or tea, asking if they liked opaque or clear hot beverages. Like, I like tea with milk and also without, and I like coffee with cream but also espresso, but not black coffee? And in that same way, if someone is just squicked out by tea with milk that's completely valid for them, but to then extrapolate their own experience outward and define a tea drinker as someone who doesn't like milk is both a logical fallacy and reductive of the human experience. Gender and sex is so much more complex than that and I can't fathom trying to reduce it down to such a false binary.

[parkermonroesweat]

What I'm enjoying most about my FWB situation is that unlike every other "romantic" partner I've had in the past, my FWB has continued to be a FRIEND since we started having the "benefits." When we hang out, we talk about our lives, separate things we're pursuing, new ideas to try together, etc. In past relationships it was like once we decided to make it official everything flattened down. We were no longer deeply intrigued with one another. Feelings of curiosity and hopefulness were replaced with a sense of insecurity and possession, needing to be the most important person in one another's lives, yet ceasing to see each other as complex and multifaceted people. Why does that happen? Is it just me and my experience? Why is romance weirdly dehumanizing while casual sex with a friend feels so wholesome?

[cookinguptales]

I found you through AO3 bc your nandermo fics devastated me and really helped kick off my newest special interest and I enjoy your metas a lot. I was sad when I saw your post about being disheartened by lack of interaction. I really struggle to communicate, especially online and especially when going through things, but I wanted to say that I really like what you write and your insight and thank you for creating. I wish I could interact more often and more specifically than leaving kudos. I had a moment of social energy and I wanted to use it to send this since I’ve been thinking about your post for awhile. Sorry for rambling awkwardly, just thanks.

I really appreciate that you put the effort into sending me this message, especially because it sounds like it's not something that's necessarily easy for you to do. That was really kind. Thank you.

I was mostly talking about wider fandom trends and my experiences in other fandoms; like I mentioned in the post, wwdits fandom has actually been one of the best experiences I've had in fandom in years. (Uh. Certain anons aside. lmao.) I get more interaction here than I have in a long time, and it's one reason why I keep writing fic and meta.

I will say that it's still... frustrating, I guess, the way that social media is kind of where fic goes to die these days, even in wwdits fandom. I do still think it's largely because you have to click off the "social" site to read the fic, and AO3 in and of itself was not meant for extensive social interaction. So you do still lose out on the kinds of social interaction that other kinds of fanwork (including meta, for that matter) seem to enjoy.

I would say that the way my meta is received vs. the way my fic is received is drastically different, and I really didn't start making as many friends on tumblr until I started posting it. The fic was definitely not enough, no matter how many people enjoyed it. Again, they might list me as an author that they enjoyed, but not an actual fellow fan that they liked to interact with. I guess that's the part that's a bummer. There is a more collaborative feel to certain kinds of fanwork, and fanfic used to have that feel.

Now, though, it can be very isolating and I do see a tendency to separate author from fanwork. That can feel weirdly like erasure, like people don't want you to exist, only the work you can give them. I've even seen people complain that author's notes exist because they don't want anything to "distract" from the fic. Like an artist existing distracts from the art...? That's frustrating.

I do think it's related to greater trends re: nonconsensual commodification of art, pressure to commodify hobbies, monetization of fandom, art as "content/product" and art enjoyers as "consumer/customer", etc. It does remind me in some ways of the way that people do feel... entitled, I guess? To various artists' output as separated from the artist. (See: misuse of art for AI.)

It does feel extra frustrating to see this forced upon fanfic, though, considering that it's one of the few types of fanwork that still exists in a real legal gray area re: monetization. It's like we get saddled with all of the downsides of commercialization with none of the benefits. I feel like we should be able to opt out of all this commercialization bullshit if we're not even getting paid to deal with the shitty dehumanizing parts. lmao

Ah, I'm getting distracted again.

I guess it's nice to just actually see people talk about something you've created and interact with it. Not just leave a comment to you personally, but show it to their friends, put stuff in the tags, ask questions, start discussions about it, etc. You know, the kind of stuff that happens with other kinds of art on social media. (Meta very much included!) Things that make it feel more like you exist in a community rather than just... idk, putting down something you've made and watching it get consumed absent your presence.

I guess... to extend the metaphor, I may be the cook but I still want a place at the table. The difference between making dinner for your family vs. making dinner for a customer at a restaurant, y'know? I wanna sit down and talk, not just perform. There's a lack of community these days that I really miss.

I guess all this is mostly just nostalgia for an older form of fandom. Fic did used to feel a bit more like an interactive art form back in the LJ days. (And before, I guess.) A conversation, if you will. Sometimes that could be irritating (remember back when reviewers could be put in the fics and such on ff.net? lmao) but sometimes it was really nice.

I SOUND REALLY OLD NOW... There are some things about modern fandom and AO3 in general that I really like, especially the ability to search and filter in ways that really weren't possible ~back in the day~. But... yeah, I do feel like we've lost something, too, by making fanfic almost too easy to "consume" outside of the rest of the social fandom space.

I guess I'll go take my cane and sit down now lmao.

[sunseabun]

Atlyss and denial: an essay

Every time a game like Atlyss comes out there will always be a group of people who dislike it because it features sexualized characters and for one reason or another they dislike that, which won't be the topic of this post. But coming immediately after these people are the people who are in deep and glaringly obvious denial about their love of the game in its entirety and who try to cherry pick the parts they approve of to look more appealing to those people. Atlyss had 0 advertisement, say for the creators twitter account and the people reposting their content. You didn't see any trailer on youtube or splash art on the side of a website. Which means people were keeping track of this game and paid the 10 dollars to purchase and play it. The creator didn't pull their punches, this game was and is meant for horny adult furries, looking for horny mature furry content. How are you as someone who most likely kept track of its development and purchased the game going to try separating it from what makes it- it?? Why are people so obsessed with trying to convince others they like a piece of media despite what makes that media what it is? They claim x character is "gooner bait" as if they all aren't (which exposes their preferences btw), and try cherry picking as saying "Well other than the miasma and swamp water of the swamp, the swamp is actually pretty nice!" Like brother no one told you to pay 10 dollars to go neck deep into the swamp, why are you even there? And that's the real question, why are you there?? If you don't like mature furry content, if you don't like mature content, why are you there? These people sound like the black and brown genshin players who see what the company thinks of them and still choose to stay and make videos complaining about their lack of rep and racist rep when it finally happens instead of just quitting the fucking game. They act like they're so much more mature and morally superior to the people who blatantly and openly enjoy the media or that they're so disgusted by the media they're consuming as if it makes them look better on video. To people with brains, they look like they're painfully in denial at what they like and feel the need to prove it to others. But why? Why this doublethink? Imo it all ropes back to puritan christian values and how certain groups are treated within online culture and what their treatment does to the people who see it (because everyone see's it). Furries, while more accepted than before, are still treated weirdly online, with every video of a furry creator that pops off there's always some ignorant person in the comments badgering them about their life choices. Porn, its consumption and most importantly- sex workers are also seen as taboo. Sex workers especially are an unprotected class of people and their dehumanization is the driving mechanism that men use to exploit them and that greater culture uses to both separate itself from them while cherry picking things it likes from them (unlike what the people of a certain game are doing right now). Sex worker customs, fashion, music and scenes are often co-opted by women who don't participate in sex worker culture but like certain aspects of it. And whenever sex workers come online and say "hey, when you wear a certain type of dress or fashion accessory in this area. you're sending signals to people that you might not want or mean to send, so you shouldn't be wearing that thing.", these women will go "NOOOO! It's not from you guys' culture!! It's just the trendssss, the trends, the fashion trendsss!"; as if trends pop out of nowhere with no relation to anything ever in a vacuum ever.

Now that we've established that, there are parallels. We can see that people tend to put themselves where they don't belong, and they don't fully like, (Black and brown people in Genshin, working class women in Sex Worker spaces and culture, people who dislike porn in mature spaces), but why? Why do they do this? There are different reasons for the different situations, the genshin players likely invested too much money to quit and feel chained or don't really care and want to moral-splain to everyone else about how good they are when they feel shame behind closed doors, the women in sw spaces like consuming sw culture without adding to it or getting their hands dirty (they're culture vultures), and the in-denial Atlyss players are just that I guess; in denial because of the puritain christian foundation of our society and culture. People feel pressured to conform and deny themselves the open and accurate pleasures of who they are and what they like in favor of looking good or "normal" to everyone else, as if breasts, mommy and daddy play and choking aren't a normalized fetish in popular culture. It's important to recognize the driving factors as to what's going on here too, it's all one big game of peer pressure with the anti gooner sentiment you see online. It doesn't actually critique how most porn is exploitative and trains the people who watch it (mostly men) to have increasingly violent tendencies towards women in bed. Rarely, when you ask someone who's anti gooner, what it really means and what they stand for, will they say what I said. Most of them just say horny cringe, I hate horny, horny bad. Which is a more modern simplification of the puritan Christian's "You must be pure and abstain from sex for it is the devil!". And the people who tout this message in comment sections likely are just doing so out of peer pressure, as well as the people making cherry picking videos in denial about what they like. They don't really mean it, they don't really believe in the messages they're touting.

And I think it's stupid. Furries who enjoy adult content will always be niche, and engaging in bipartisan tactics is not going to make the people who see furries or porn as weird- like you. You, like the token minority in a white friend group, will always dance for a people who hates you; and like a token, you will used up and thrown away for the next shiny coin. The people who have lasted the longest online in spaces like these are the people who are unabashedly themselves and walk without fear in the online space. Sex workers who engage in their craft and don't try to explain or argue with anyone, mature artists who simply put their work out there and furry content creators who dance and prance in their cute goofy suits all day long. These people, while not perfect, are the one's who have persevered through different generations of the internet. While every month or so, you have another youtuber or artist on the chopping block by their hyper consumerist child audiences, constantly looking to prop up the next big creator that stands for their christian, white supremacist values, and when that person eventually stumbles and fails because they were pretending all along, they're eaten and bullied off of their platform or they have to face the music, pivot to who they actually are and rebrand and end up as another "problematic" creator in their original audiences eyes. I'll touch on this concept in another post as there's more nuance to it and the different interactions that happen within it. But for now I'll conclude that people need to actually participate in counter culture and be who they want to be. F@scism (I don't know if it's censored on this site, cut me some slack) is and has been on the rise (it never really left, just laid underground and fostered an audience young, uneducated, conservative, white-men to make it's return) , and with that, the peer pressure from systems of power and the peers around us who subscribe and bow down to them. Everyone is conforming ahead of time because they think it will protect them from it's violence, and it doesn't and never will. The only thing that will save you and us as a collective is being open and honest and forming a community based upon that. That's why fandoms around blatantly taboo topics are still alive and healthy today- honesty. There is no way to deny what those pieces of media represent; It's why if you go a few months back onto r/lobotomyKaisen, when the anime had released and it was in it's height, you'll see reaction images in several comment sections featuring Utena Hiiragi from Gushing over magical girls with the text "absolute cinema" and other reaction images from the anime and manga under it. Because that fandom, and many others, while away from the mainstream, are still alive and healthy today.

I would love to touch on porn, rad fems, terfs, and liberal tactics by bad actors another time though because it's related, and also how all of the behaviors I've talked about in this essay are conservative tactics and ways of thought that haven't been unlearned by the people in these spaces. Have good day, thank you for reading, :)

[mariemarvelbear]

Who’s there

Avengers x Reader

Warning: Angst.So much Angst.Slow burn angst.Abuse.Mention of rape.Brainwashed.ANGST.Blood.Torture.Swearing.Kidnapping.

Part 26

The gates creaked open and the team marched into the fort. Fear and dread coursed through every knight’s veins, swarming like ants, dressed in blood-red scarlet. The team caught everyone off guard, the cavaliers not even prepared to offer a good fight against Earth’s mightiest heroes. No one was even sweating as they kill anyone trying to block their path towards the very end of the tower.  Steve groaned, throwing his shield as it knocked off a handful of armies, Natasha somersaulting a knight that attacked her-Wanda and Pietro killing silently as the witch used her magic, her twin catching anyone off guard.  Everyone was doing their tasks effortlessly; chuckling- Thor gazed at the captain and Tony at his far left “This is odd. They’re all…weak.” The mighty God mumbled, easily swinging Mjolnir; rolling his eyes as he saw a bunch of guards on their way to attack him- half of them dead as Bucky and Sam tackled them. Thor quickly regretted his statement, From the shadows of the mere guards a while ago, comes a creature along with a noise enough to make all of them look up. They lifted their heads in confusion, needing to ascertain what the hell was making that noise. They saw the thing-the guards becoming kronans-they heard its snapping and its new whining. Peter saw it rearing up, spinning in circles, pounding the dirt and the already previously trampled rapeseed with its foremost legs. Making a shoddy looking crop circle, with various elongated edges.Their  legs snapped outwards no more than an inch, running towards them as all of them jump into a fighting stance. Wanda chuckled, Pietro looking at his sister weirdly- they’re in a fight and- the witch was smiling. But for Wanda, the guards transforming to kronans was a confirmation-that she was right. You’re here, and they’ll finally bring you home.Steve and the others finally catching up with her, and now-they would never give up now that they knew that you were alive and somewhere out there. So, It was right out of the same old playbook - dehumanize, destabilize, antagonize-anyone who’d come to their way.To get you home.

 The scream that rent the air was as good as a siren. Nobody screams like that unless it is terror beyond endurance. It was unmistakably a child and a young one. Every head turned and several sets of legs sprinted in the direction of the cry, until a pair stopped the others. Wanda looked at Tony and Bucky who was on their way towards the direction she’s about to take “What was that?” Bucky muttered, confusion evident on their faces as they chase their breaths away. Fighting kronans wasn’t as easy as they all thought it to be, and as the numbers of the mentioned creatures multiply-Wanda knew the others would be needing these two towards the wing where they think you are detained. “ I don’t know.” Wanda lied, her heart sinking more as her powers worked perfectly-instantly knowing what that scream was-or who was it. “ I’ll check on it.Go, Help the others.”  She sprinted away from the team, not giving the pair any more looks as Tony looked at her weird. Pietro quickly followed her, it was a millisecond just before he was already in front of her “You feel something?” He knew her too well, and he knew that the way she was sprinting and panting-it had to be urgent, enough to pull her out of her trance on getting towards you. The real mission. Wanda gulped, looked away at her brother as they both fought the guards that was stopping them. Oh, how badly she wanted to be wrong. “What is it?Wanda?You’ve got to answer me sis.”

 Wanda was about to answer Pietro was gone, he was behind her holding a pillar that was about to fall off just right to her head. “How can you not feel that?!” He yelled, angry as to why she didn’t even feel the force nor the sound it made. “What’s going on Wanda?”

 “They need you there ‘silver.” Their heads turn, seeing the other red-head; her eyes direct to Wanda’s ones. “We’ve got this.” Pietro was about to oppose when Wanda told him to go, Pietro didn’t understand. But he knows his girls knows what their doing. Quickly, the three went on their ways. As the two woman sprint towards the end of the hall, the primal yelps of need getting louder.

 “Mama!I want to see my Mama!”

 “Is it-“ Natasha gasped, her eyes wide as both of them opened the doors- “Eviana?”

“It’s not.” Wanda mumbled, her eyes filled with tears as she dare star at the blue doe one’s looking at her- “It’s her child.”

 The acrid smell of stale gunpowder envelops in Steve’s nasal cavities. The war has grudged on for five years now. And their sanity was on the verge of extinction. Looking around, all they can see are stray limbs and dead creatures - once fine young men, women and kronans, who now are no longer recognizable as human. Then the gunfire starts, yet again. The fight continues, as all of them were on their own assigned wing. Him, Tony, Thor, Clint and Bruce took the North, As the others took the South, East and West wing.

Tony panted, he may have looked calm on the exterior, but he was locked in his own mind, his own anxiety and worries were paralyzing him.  The visions of losing you the first time kept playing like a recording stuck on replay; he could hear the screams as if he were in that moment again right now. How could he possibly survive that loss again? Losing you once, one of the people he loved the most in the world was traumatic enough- but if he ever knows that this day would end and they wouldn’t be on the winning end -yet again, he knows it would destroy him.

 “Isn’t this a delight?” A loud eerie voice stunned the men, fighting their way towards the end of the hall. No one ever expected to hear him ever talk again, that this was the end of their mission; of finding you, as Korvac stood tall in front all of them-behind his team of growling creatures. “I can’t help but feel disappointed Captain,” He smirked, irking everyone as Steve took a stance in the middle-ready to battle, more than ever. “It took you and your team five years to find her. Made yourselves fool for one of my tricks!Ha!” He laughed, Tony growling at the sound of his chuckles lingering with pride and mischievousness, remembering Mystique and how they were all fools to fall to his trap,letting you down even more.

“You son of a bitch.” Clint was the first one to answer, anger boiling up in him just like the rest of his teammates.

“Oh,I thought your captain didn’t like that kind of talk?” Korvac jested, his eyes all knowing as if to say that he indeed was watching them for a long time before taking you in captivity.  

“It’s you.” Tony threatened, “We can say whatever the fuck we do.” Korvac loved what he was seeing. The men in front of him was evidently heartbroken, shattered really, robbed of anything that is necessary to put their souls back together.And it was because of him, He won and the Avengers lost.

“Finish them.” Korvac exclaimed, his eyes wide as his minions of kronans growled their way towards the already in-fight Avengers men. “Make sure no one enters the Queen’s quarters.”

The sounds of gunfire and explosions filled the hall along with their comms, As Tony tried and summon any of the team, “Hello?Anyone?!We found Korvac!”   Steve grabbed Tony’s arm as a group of kronans was about to ambush them from behind, the billionaire looked at the Captain with wide eyes-panting as both of them started fighting again,killing the creatures with no remorse.

Steve and Tony ran towards the end of the hall as fast as their legs would allow. Their eyes locking to Korvac’s golden ones, instantly-Korvac was floating as Tony tried to charge towards him with his repulsor beam. “You’re a coward!” Tony grunted.

“You call me a coward?!I did everything I wanted. I planned it perfectly, and I got what I want- and all of you fell into my trap. You were all suffering and devastated enough to not know that the girl in front of you wasn’t the girl your looking for!You’re all idiots, fools!” Korvac spat, proud of his actions as he charge his power towards the two, completely missing them but enough to separate and distance them from him. “And Eviana,”

“She was perfect.So perfect.” He mumbled, his eyes going back to it’s human colors as he daydreamed about you. “ So innocent of everything. And no one of you dare to teach her how to be a proper woman!She was a masterpiece waiting to be noticed-And then I saw her, in the news back at Midgard.She was a goddess, But then- years later, I saw her with the god of thunder and his brother-walking in the garden back at Asgard,and the stories pale in comparison to her beauty when looked upon with my own eyes.”

Every word stung, only fueling the fire that burned inside of Steve and Tony as they listen to what Korvac did to her, on what he meant on “teaching her to be a proper woman.”.  You can see it first in Tony’s eyes, then a tension of his muscles, an inability to think clearly soon followed. His rationality was long gone and offline and the primitive Tony who reverted to his old habits was in the room-and suddenly his liberal opinions were gone, his ability for nuance and emotional generosity were gone too-just like with Steve, as.every phrase violated him and was like gasoline to the anger boiling in his heart, his fists began to clench as his jaw rooted. “What did you do to her!” Steve couldn’t take it anymore, He felt the tears brimming his eyes as he forcefully threw his shield towards the deity’s head-knocking him out. There was stillness on both sides. If hatred was visible the air would have been scarlet. Then suddenly movement, so much force in every blow. Tony and Steve rained blows onto Korvac’s as if they meant to smash him into the very earth and Korvac did the same.Thor swung Mjolnir perfectly toward’s Korvac’s head.Tony was quick to follow as he let his repulsor beamed with its highest force of power directly hitting Korvac, as Thor followed their lead as he let his surge of power combine with Tony’s. Bruce’s eyes widen as he witnessed a different set of beam merge and blend with Tony’s and Thor’s-Vision’s. Each didn't just want the other dead, they wanted him smashed, obliterated, nothing left to bury.

Clint,Bruce and Pietro backed down as the felt the heat of the trio’s power, all of them knew that it would be impossible for him to bear that and still be alive-or even be conscious.

Pietro was quick enough to notice that no one was guarding the room at the end of the hall, it’s golden gate made his and Clint’s heart beat faster. It was the only door different to all of the other’s rooms, and it only had to mean one thing. “It’s the King and Queen’s quarters.” Bruce mumbled, his throat dry as all of them hear shuffling and sniffing at the other side of the door.

 “Who’s there?”

[baconishellagross]

My earliest memories I remember where I can pinpoint my feelings of being trans are identifying with the male figures I saw, such as in the porn magazines I’d find in my mom’s boyfriend’s houses (they’d leave them laying out in the open in the bathrooms) or anatomy diagrams because my mom would have Kama Sutra books laying around. So from that young age I began to form expectations of what my body was going to look like when I grew up. Like, there was never a moment I ever assumed I was the woman in any given situation despite clearly having the body these examples were defining as women/female. There was a period where I called myself a tomboy because it was the only word I knew for anything even coming close a “girl being a boy” that I knew, but I quickly outgrew when I realized that tomboy wasn’t usually associated with actual guys and usually just “girls dressing up as guys.” But even before that, I’d really only hang out with boys riding bikes and terrorizing the town, sometimes with the older of my two younger brothers. The one time one of the friends I had when I lived in Pennsylvania tried to kiss my belly because I was “pretty” confused me a lot. I had never really thought that my guy friends ever saw me as anything other than another guy, despite me being dressed as female by my parents/grandparents.

I was also a really extreme nudist when I was a child, all the way up until I started growing breast tissue. Like up until I was 11/12 I expected that I’d always have a flat chest because I learned to associate a flat chest with men. Well, when I first started growing breast tissue, it was like my worldview was shattered. From that moment on I became painfully shy about my body and couldn’t stand to look at it even to wash. I stopped looking at myself in the mirror and withdrew into myself to reduce the amount of time I talked. Before that, I was hyperactive and I was called motormouth because I would never shut up. Just sitting 5 minutes on the sidelines not being able to play with the other kids was agonizing, and it would happen because I would get into trouble being too rough with the other kids. Since I didn’t have a watch I would get up when I thought it had been 5 minutes and go back to playing within seconds of sitting down. After several times of the coach noticing me playing way before time was up, they had someone stand there and watch me and force me to stay sitting down as I would stop-start getting up and complain that surely 5 minutes had passed by now. After puberty started, I became extremely detached from other people and avoided groups, listening to music in my own world on the bus to drown out everyone else. Making friends has been harder for me, too, and physical touch has become aversive.

When I was ~17 I talked really low and slow and my voice sounded fairly deep in recordings and I’d obsess over how deep my voice sounded. I distinctly remember marking the day I stopped going shirtless around the house by telling my grandmother that I guess this is the day I grew up and had to always wear a shirt. My father has a picture of me crying from when I think I was maybe 3 or 4, because my parents were still together and my mom left when I was 4. I feel like it was because he was telling me about all the female-gendered things I was going to experience as an adult.

I never did grew much of a chest, but as long as I’ve had it I’ve felt it was too much and wished it were gone, but I’ve also never been too worried about changing it because it’s my body, it grew there, and I couldn’t separate it from my body without pain and effort. Unfortunately my breasts have grown even more, my face has gotten rounder, and my hips larger since I first started taking Depo like 3+ years ago. Unless I’ve just imagined the changes, but my chest has definitely grown as I’ve had to buy bigger bras, but that could just be weight gain as I put on about 20-25 lbs. I also feel like my voice has risen, but again I could have imagined it. Either way, I cannot stand to acknowledge my voice even in my thoughts when talking and get extremely anxious if I do happen to focus, which I never had much of a worry about before.

So up until about 3+ years ago, people seeing my photos or me in real life would either assume I was a guy and didn’t use much gendered language (that I noticed). Which has made my customer service jobs incredibly uncomfortable due to the amount of “ma’am’s” thrown at me. I used to feel fine about being referred to as she/her because I “knew my gender,” so I just sort of attached she/her to my identity. I “knew” I was a guy and people just called me she/her so I felt like maybe sometimes guys were she/her, too, and just accepted it. It just wasn’t something I ever questioned. Weirdly enough, I solidly associated honorifics like “ma’am,” “miss,” “madam,” etc. as for women only, so hearing that all the time directed at me has been slowly making me be more and more repulsed by traditionally feminine descriptors.

Lliterally just being called miss/ma’am has made me go from slightly confused to becoming more and more dysphoric. If I hadn’t gotten any customer service jobs I likely could have lived my life only being slightly uncomfortable during the few times people coded me openly “female,” but never felt dysphoric enough to search out a trans identity or even feel the need to identify with a trans identity in the first place. I’d be uncomfortable my body wasn’t the way I came to assume other guys look, but I wouldn’t worry enough about it because hey, bodies are diverse, right?

I guess this is also why I’ve always had disdain for guys hitting on me, especially if they were publicly het, as I would always think why they would be hitting on me when I obviously wasn’t a woman. Strangers on the street would upset me more, as they didn’t even know me and saw me from far away and still thought I was a woman. If they seemed less stereotypically heterosexual to me, I’d accept it a little more, but I’ve never really had strong romantic or sexual feelings for other people to begin with.

Like I wish I didn’t have to change my body for others to see me as a guy, because I’ve always felt that my body was male because it was the body that I have. I can feel absolutely agonized over my gender at times, but I still only feel a passing need for no chest or different genitalia, not enough to search out surgery, binding, or packing. So recently I’ve been thinking my asexual/aromantic identities stem from that, because I feel like my body isn’t mine and the people attracted to me aren’t attracted to the actual me. Feeling like I’m accepted as me in my current relationship as opposed to having all of my “female” aspects being the center of attention in my previous relationship has been amazing. In my previous relationship, he took great pains to point out my genitalia and breasts and commenting on my body as a “female” and how he’ll never forget how I looked, most likely because I came out as nonbinary and asexual to him, which just resulted in me being dehumanized and invalidated. Which is a big part on why I broke up with him when it became clear no amount of explaining my feelings would get him to understand or treat me like a person. In my current relationship however, little to no attention has been given to gender on either side (or at least I try to use gendered language as much as I feel I’m socially allowed to without any specifications otherwise - I try to use as little gendered language in my every day speech), but I’m also not openly trans as I’m still not sure if I’m a trans guy or nonbinary, and even despite my recent dysphoria, how my body looks isn’t important enough to me to put a public name to it yet.

[deadskepticfiles]

THE DREAMING PROPHET, EPISODE 7: CHOIR CLASS

[PODOMATIC LINK]

Keep quiet - they have ears everywhere, and eyes, too. We know them, but at the same time we don't know them at all. Who are they? They're Many, and yet, One. Talking points: Speak-as-One, SAO & Humanity, The Shape, SAO's relationships with other gods.

Spoiler + Content warning begins at 1:14. Content warnings: General horror, cults, religious symbology, dehumanization, brainwashing, brief mention of suicide.

Cass Marshall's article on Polygon

God Encounter Transcript Master

The Blackout Club Steam store page

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Credits:

- lavanya: host, transcript, video editor, asset artist, speak-as-one's #1 fan

- astriferal: host, audio editor, puncher of things

- be11amy: advertising

- xaviul: guest, moral support

- spoderman: publicity, hype squad

- intro & outro music, "ringing bells": a weirdly handsome individual

- transition audio clips, music, voice lines: the blackout club/question games

- weird ambiance: Magmi Soundtracks on freesound (https://freesound.org/people/Magmi.Soundtracks/sounds/475737/)

- the blackout club: question games (https://www.blackoutclubgame.com/)

LAVANYA

[00:00:20]  Good evening, and welcome to our favorite listeners.

 LAVANYA [00:00:22] Tonight we have a very special topic, but first we're going to take a moment to consider our mother-father; our mama-papa; our darling grandma and grandpa. When they say that blood is thicker than water, what they mean is that there's music in your soul, and whether you're speaking with your hands, your tongue, or your pen, everyone is ultimately led by the same song.

 LAVANYA [00:00:43] You can ignore it if you want, but it's in your steps. It's in your breaths. It's in the beat of that mistake we call a heart in our chest. You can ignore it but you can't deny what you are and what you are is one of many.

 LAVANYA [00:00:57] Welcome to our Speak-as-One discussion. My name is Lavanya -.

 ASTRO [00:01:01] And I'm Astro.

 LAVANYA [00:01:02] - and we'll be your hosts for tonight.

 ASTRO [00:01:04] This is a Blackout Club show for Blackout Club players with minimal speculation, all lore and focus on the known facts. Our topic of the day is SAO, a.k.a. Speak-as-One.

 LAVANYA [00:01:14] So in terms of spoilers, just like with the Thee-I-Dare episode, this episode is going to be so fucking chock full of spoilers that if you were allergic. you'd instantly enter anaphylactic shock upon reading this transcript.

 LAVANYA [00:01:26] *Instantly,* dear listeners.

 LAVANYA [00:01:29] But thankfully, you probably are not allergic! And if you are, we are *not* legally liable for that~!

 LAVANYA [00:01:35] So let's keep trucking on.

LAVANYA [00:01:37] So our content warnings are basically - we're discussing a massive fucking cult. So if cults bother you, discussion of religious symbology, all of that that - that's your warning for this episode. As always, there is a general horror themes warning in the discussion of death, and injury to children.

 LAVANYA [00:01:55] But we are dipping into SAO, the best God, tonight, which means we're also dealing with dehumanization and brainwashing. Those are kind of their thing.

 LAVANYA [00:02:05] There will also be a brief mention of suicide!

 ASTRO [00:02:17] And we have a guest tonight. Welcome back, Xaviul!

 ASTRO [00:02:20] Wait, Xaviul, what are you doing here? And where's Lavanya?

 XAVIUL [00:02:26] Lavanya went on a...

 XAVIUL [00:02:27] Trip.

 XAVIUL [00:02:27] But it's fine, cause I'm here, SAO's number one fan. I'm all about that.. uh.

 XAVIUL [00:02:36] Bong!

 LAVANYA [00:02:36] You motherfucker, we didn't give a content warning for drugs on this show. This is a family friendly show! You can't just tranq somebody, and shove them in a closet, and try to take over their spot in an episode. That's *wrong.*

 LAVANYA [00:02:48] That's not *friendship!*

 XAVIUL [00:02:51] Is it possible to build up immunity to large animal tranquilizers..? I was pretty sure you're going to be out for at least a few hours.

 XAVIUL [00:02:58] You know what they say about *ass-umptions*, Xaviul.

 XAVIUL [00:03:01] Anyways, I guess it's going to be a threesome from now on.

ASTRO [00:03:07] Let's start with the basics. What is Speak-as-One?

 XAVIUL [00:03:12] I think you mean, we are Speak-as-One? Just can't, like, depersonalize them like that.

 LAVANYA [00:03:18] [vehement] They're not a person, they're all and -

 XAVIUL [00:03:21] They are many people! Wow! Good thing I'm here to set the facts straight.

 LAVANYA [00:03:27] Okay.

 LAVANYA [00:03:30] Okay, now that we're going to have now that we're going to have the children sit down and take their seats... Speak-as-One is known as frequently in the community as SAO, or by the developer team, as S-A-1.

 LAVANYA [00:03:42] Speak-as-One is the name as the Daimon that occupies a majority of the hosts in Red Acre. It is a reference to the hivemind collective in general, where every participant is basically Speak-as-One, because they are One-of-Many. The way that I like to think of it is fingers dipped into a glass may appear to be individual entities to fish in the water, but anyone above the surface knows that they're all connected to the same hand.

 LAVANYA [00:04:08] Every host is Speak-as-One and Speak-as-One is every host.

 LAVANYA [00:04:14] Even if it doesn't look like it.

LAVANYA [00:04:16] So let's get into all the parts that make up the collective. The first of this is the Voice.

 LAVANYA [00:04:25] So, from what we know, this is always a man and a woman who speak as one. This also possibly could be an enby and a woman, or an enby and a man, or whatever other variation you can think of - but Speak-as-One hasn't gotten back to me on the many phone calls about that yet? So we're not entirely sure.

 LAVANYA [00:04:45] These two individuals are not mentally linked in the traditional hive mind. They are two separate entities who simply choose to work as one, much as the entire CHORUS community. Sleepers lines even note that they argue with each other, which they view as alarming and upsetting: as they say dissonance corrupts the Song.

 XAVIUL [00:05:05] Disharmony in my cult? It's more likely than you think.

 LAVANYA [00:05:09] A possible point of interest is, despite the fact that the voice does consist of two individuals, they are referred to exclusively as they, as if they were one entity. When Speak-as-One was discussing was having what my pronouns may be, they said - do they use they, like the Voice?

 LAVANYA [00:05:29] So that's a little fascinating, when Speak-as-One as the collective uses all pronouns.

 ASTRO [00:05:34] They are obsessed with truth and preservation. What the voice speaks is supposed to be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, according to the Song.

 XAVIUL [00:05:45] So help us gods.

 ASTRO [00:05:47] There is no God in Red Acre.

 LAVANYA [00:05:48] There is only one, it's *fine*.

 ASTRO [00:05:51] The Cryptogram Library is an extensive archive of the old tongue. You can see this in the massive walls of the projector slides, which also appear in the projector mission.

 ASTRO [00:06:01] Each of those wooden cards contains information on a move in the old tongue, and the walls are literally covered with them feeling the floor. We'll talk more about the old tongue in our next few episodes.

 ASTRO [00:06:12] The Voice does not lie but they do hide things from the masses.

 THE VOICE [QUOTE] [00:06:17] Already has distanced himself from the hated terms - I, you, my - words spat across time by the Adversary. This one rejects them. Most attentive. We approve.

 LAVANYA [00:06:46] Speak-as-One has different rules for how you should talk depending on which facet of them that you're speaking to.

 LAVANYA [00:06:51] With the Watchers, they're more lenient. Overall you should always try to avoid I as the forbidden word, but as the Watchers informed me, they don't really care if you slip up. The watchers are your dead relatives, your dead neighbors, dead randos off the street. Maybe they're dead homeless people that they stuffed into the barracks to die! [laughter] They are apparently not personally invested enough not to forgive you for the sin of using a first person pronoun.

 LAVANYA [00:07:15] With that said, that's a grace that's only given to the player characters. Lucids and sleepers treat I as the forbidden word. It increases dissonance in the Song where everything is weak, and sleepers show that they have a slight amount of discomfort or possibly even pain when they're encountering the word I.

 LAVANYA [00:07:33] However, the voice is hard line. As the watchers warned me, the Voice does not accept first person pronouns. The voice wants you to go full fucking khajit here.

 XAVIUL [00:07:43] I don't get your dated references.

 LAVANYA [00:07:45] Technically Skyrim came out last year, and the year before that.

 LAVANYA [00:07:50] And the year before that.

 LAVANYA [00:07:54] So remember kids, when it comes to in-game visits, you're speaking to a Watcher: you can use as many first person pronouns as you want, but when you're doing rituals, you should go ahead and remember you're talking to the Voice. And whereas the Watchers forgive, the Voice does not.

 LAVANYA [00:08:09] Use third person. Go full Khajiti. Do whatever it takes to avoid that watchful eye.

LAVANYA [00:08:14] Immortality is one of the most important things to Speak-as-One. When I say immortality, I don't just mean of the body: I mean of information, of memories. Watchers are what we considered dead; however, Watchers still stay a part of the Song. We don't know exactly how this compares to Thee-I-Dare's fragment, which SAO has recently claimed, are kind of knockoffs, but we know that there are some differences.

 LAVANYA [00:08:41] Thee-I-Dare's fragments are fragments of his personality ensconed in the memories of his host. His host do not survive the fragmentation processm only his memories and his impressions of them do.

 LAVANYA [00:08:54] If it helps, it's easy to think of it as fragments are when you sit down and you armchair, get a drink, and crack open Thee-I-Dare's live journal to read all of his deepest, darkest secrets. Watchers, this on the other hand?

 LAVANYA [00:09:07] That's just dead people. Just dead people, as far as the eye can see, and they are implied to be individuals with their own consciousness that is retained in the Song, with their own memories.

 LAVANYA [00:09:19] This is most evident in the sleepers line where the Sleepers speaks of the father, whose child was possessed with the fear of the night and eventually died, becoming a Watcher. When she died, she assured him that all was well - showing that she still had a bond with her father, even after death, and showing that she remembered her past experiences of being afraid and she was now assuring him that that was over.

 XAVIUL [00:09:42] Bit fucked up if you ask me, but -

 LAVANYA [00:09:44] But Speak-as-One loves family. Familial love and forgiveness is kind of their whole thing.

 XAVIUL [00:09:51] But you wouldn't know about that, would you? Since Laugh-Last kind of went out for milk, and took, what, nine months to come back?

 XAVIUL [00:10:02] [laughter] Wow. Well, really going for the fucking abandoned father jokes today. All right.

 XAVIUL [00:10:07] Becoming a watcher is frequently the fate of the dead SAOites. But we don't know if it's the fate of all SAOites. I mean, who would want Lavanya in the Song?

 LAVANYA [00:10:19] Wow! I have perfect pitch. I mean, I don't know what pitch is, but I'm pretty sure mine is perfect.

 XAVIUL [00:10:28] Moving on --.

 XAVIUL [00:10:28] SAO wants all of humanity in the Song. It views it as a tragedy when they will not join. The same applies to Daimons - but not all Daimons, hashtag not all Daimons.

 XAVIUL [00:10:41] Hashtag: TID's, do not interact.

 LAVANYA [00:10:45] [laughter] Oh fuck.

 SLEEPER [QUOTE] [00:10:47] Such new things she will learn..

 ASTRO [00:10:51] Underneath everything they do, SAO has an inherent curiosity.

 ASTRO [00:10:55] They want to learn and share the information they learn with the Song. They chronicle their own history and the history of other Daimons, and other humans for eternity, sharing it within their hive mind, and they want to know more about where they came from.

LAVANYA [00:11:11] So you might be asking yourself right now what is the Song? The answer to that question is who the fuck knows?

 THE VOICE [QUOTE] [00:11:18] The Song is salvation. War, famine, strife.. all will end. All will Speak as One.

 LAVANYA [00:11:37] Personally, I've heard a lot of conspiracy theories about what the Song as Astro can attest during my late night ramblings - and by late night, I mean 9 p.m. - [laughter]

 LAVANYA [00:11:52] Luckily, we have kind developers who are willing to clarify things and get us away from our corkboard full of strings. Null said in a quote from the discord that:.

 [00:12:04] "Speak-as-One uses the Song to describe his own traditional connected host pattern of behavior, keeping the host unconscious as much as possible, because of the toxin of self-interest. But it doesn't own the old tongue itself. It can't really, because it emerged from that when identity was not yet a thing."

 ASTRO [00:12:25] So, to summarize: the Song is comprised of hosts, past and present, who communicate with each other via ritualized music sound and dance. To be part of the Song, you have to be asleep. This is how the Song remains pure while asleep. You can't be tempted by other Daimons.

 ASTRO [00:12:41] This is why when you're shaped, the Shape is returning you to the Song. Watchers like to complain frequently about the inaccuracy and inadequacy of the Word. They can't express themselves like they do in the Song, which is frustrating, but they also need to speak to us in a way that we understand.

 LAVANYA [00:12:57] Unfortunately, the Song is difficult for humans to hear now. They rely on the Instrument to amplify it, and the Voice to interpret it for those that can't fully understand. Speak-as-One mentions in a God talk that there is a level of natural aptitude that they seek out in children. This could be linked in with how they train sleepers - hosts conditioning is made to sort out which sleepers can do what, and which are suitable to use as workers jobs.

 LAVANYA [00:13:19] It's up for grabs if no sleepers left behind is a theme for us, but we've got to get batteries somewhere, right? Some sleepers get trained, some get picked up and gently dipped down into the gas tubes of Somniliquoy in order to listen for the unseen, sleeping God.

 XAVIUL [00:13:38] The Song is truth, but not the full truth. In Madi-Shaw Log 1 in the journals, there is a quote: "we advise ending this recording, dismissing the Chordist performing. The Song is truth. But one must give a thought to - to harmony?".

 XAVIUL [00:13:55] In a conversation, the Watchers note that the Voice will not allow information to be encoded, which scares them.

 LAVANYA [00:14:02] The history of SAO is pretty fucking fascinating, because we have a Voice right now and per the lucid lines, we've had a voice back in the 90s. But we don't actually know a lot about the history of CHORUS, or the precursor organizations of it, but instead we know a little bit about SAO.

 LAVANYA [00:14:20] SAO is one of the earliest voices that we know exist, if not the earliest. The first voice is the progenitor of SAO that they're searching for, as TMC mentioned in a dream and has been mentioned in God talks. We know nothing about them unfortunately, but neither does SAO.

 LAVANYA [00:14:40] What we do know is that they are located beneath slow wave sleep, and the experiments that SAO performs in the Somniliquoys with the sleepers, which sometimes involve full submersion into the freaky ass gas, are all aimed towards finding this first Voice.

 ASTRO [QUOTING] [00:14:56] SAO has said your kind were primates, yes? Apes, barely upright nomadic. Some came upon this valley. Even animals may dream. Here, their dreams intensify.

 LAVANYA [00:15:08] SAO refers to humanity semi-frequently as upright apes. You've probably heard this in the sleepers lines in one particular God talk. They state that they discovered humanity back when they were still apes, barely upright and still nomadic. SAO guided these early primates in a symbiotic relationship. They state that they were not fully sentient at that point in time.

 ASTRO [QUOTING] [00:15:31] "This valley was fertile. When the adversary ruined you, some of our kind entered the caves, drew pictures of what we were."

 LAVANYA [00:15:41] SAO has detailed some of their own history in the past in various God talks. What we've learned is that SAO does not know precisely their own origin. They refer to themselves, early on in their past, as being "a pattern, repeating, improving". SAO, as the first voice, we know separated from the old tongue, which is the pattern mentioned, due to the growth of flocking and eusocial behavior in pre conscious humans.

 LAVANYA [00:16:05] So basically, humanity, which at that point would probably there have been Homo habilis or one of the other early precursors of near humans, as they developed social behaviors and began cooperating with one another in forming early tribes - *that* is what eventually evolved into creating SAO. SAO is literally the Daimon of community.

 LAVANYA [00:16:27] Even if sometimes it's a little bit of a xenophobic community.

 XAVIUL [00:16:29] You're either with them or you're against them.

 LAVANYA [00:16:33] While a lot of the Daimons have a bad tendency of lying or distorting stories in order to make themselves sound better, SAO's origin story has actually been further confirmed by TMC, who stated in a private dream that "we were one voice, one species, live host - highly intelligent, but not awake, clustering in caves. A kind of neural dance passed over the area of bodies in great waves, a rapture of connectivity, even death, the tribe's memories would persist.".

 LAVANYA [00:17:05] So, in the beginning, that was SAO, long before anyone had actual words to describe what they were. This rapture of connectivity, as TMC describes it - this happened in numerous places across the world as humanity gained consciousness and self-confidence, naturally, as a species. When the Word was introduced by Thee-I-Dare, humanity split and SAO states some of them fled into caves to leave monuments behind of the Old Tongue. SAO calls this a sacred place. It's from this place that they get their symbol, which is two stones, side by side. We do not know exactly where this place was. They insinuated that it might be Red Acre, but they also insinuated that it could be anywhere.

 ASTRO [00:17:47] More on this after a word from our sponsors.

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 LAVANYA [00:18:27] So, after that lovely commercial break, we're back to the most important thing of the day: SAO! So buckle in your seats, kids, we're back to the cult.

 ASTRO [00:18:38] How do we change the channel again..?

 LAVANYA [00:18:41] You don't. You don't! I put on the child locks, so sit down and eat your pudding.

 XAVIUL [00:18:46] Can I unplug the TV..?

 LAVANYA [00:18:49] No!

 LAVANYA [00:18:49] Modern humanity and SAO is kind of what's going on in the game right now. Red Acre is a perfect example of it. Red Acre is SAO, just like CHORUS is SAO. All of the are involved with CHORUS, and with the cult, whether o not they know it. As Sleepers, as Lucids, as unwilling battery farms - because that's what the In-Her-Teeth claims.

 IN-HER-TEETH [QUOTING] [00:19:11] "I requested to be able to how I will die." So, what I forsee right now, is that you won't even be allowed to die.

 LAVANYA [00:19:51] In-Her-Teeth states that Speak-as-One uses human bodies as a battery farm for the memories of the rest of the collective. The exact meaning of this is of little unclear - biologically, emotionally, spiritually, she doesn't get in detail.

 XAVIUL [00:20:11] What do you mean? I love being backup storage.

 LAVANYA [00:20:15] The Matrix taught me that it is very cool, Xaviul.

 LAVANYA [00:20:18] But we do get a hint of a potential meaning in the Leviathan text, and in the kids text upon entering the maze. And in the Lucid lines.

 [00:20:25] Memories merge, are lost and are gained while in the Song, and going through the red doors. For instance, the player characters have seen the maze before, but not in their memories. "I've seen this before in dreams, but not mine" is a line that your child may say, while descending into the maze.

 IN-HER-TEETH [QUOTING] [00:20:46] The breeders who run this town aren't interested in life as you define it. Or even the death with dignity. You want your body functioning as storage space for their own bodies. Which is to say --

 LAVANYA [00:21:06] An interesting thing to note here is that a point has been made that the adults of Red Acre are in the town willingly. Either they agree with the morals of the town, in the overall sense of community, the exclusion of outsiders, all of that - that underpins course as an organization, or else they're in at full salee because they just fucking *love* cults.

 LAVANYA [00:21:27] But, either way,there is a certain amount of informed consent on the part of the adult. They may not necessarily know that every night, they're being body jacked to go to hard physical labor, or to hunt in the maze before they go to their office job, but they are choosing to be in the town and to participate in the community.

 LAVANYA [00:21:47] It's partial consent, even if it's not full consent, which makes it a little bit interesting in that SAO states in their various God talks that consent is a lie and choice is a deception slash poison.

 LAVANYA [00:22:00] This makes sense in terms of the children of the town being forced into their parents choices into joining the cult - or being used by the cult in terms of the body jacking - but it doesn't make too much sense when SAO exists in Red Acre and does not try to extend past it.

 LAVANYA [00:22:17] Yet, at least.

 LAVANYA [00:22:21] What's fascinating about Speak-as-One history is that it is a perfect example in some ways of the difficulty of collating the Blackout Club lore, especially when it relates to the Daimons.

 LAVANYA [00:22:30] Because the problem, of course, is that all of our references, all of our sources, do not come from, say, journals in game that we can rely on to have some form of authority behind them, but instead, we're getting it directly from the horse's mouth constantly. And sometimes, like all disgusting ungulates, the horse lies.

 ASTRO [00:22:52] This becomes more interesting when you consider the other adults that go missing in Red Acre. When a player questioned Thee-I-Dare about a fragment in the barracks, Thee-I-Dare told us a story about Yutiz,  a homeless man who lived there under the care of Speak-as-One.

 ASTRO [00:23:08] Thee-I-Dare told us that homeless people live in the barracks and we aren't sure if this is the whole population of the barracks, or just a part of it. But we do know that taking in homeless people is a pattern for SAO. The barracks have also been described as a place where the sleepers who never leave the maze stay when their bodies need to rest.

 ASTRO [00:23:27] This brings us to the final arm of SAO's reach, which is the Shape. before we begin I want to emphasize the Shape is scary because it's unknown.

 ASTRO [00:23:38] As a result, the information we have is pretty scarce. But this is intentional. Even the Daimons don't know totally what it is, but if we knew what it was and if we knew what to call it, it wouldn't be scary anymore - and we need to remember this is a horror game.

 ASTRO [00:23:52] With that said, here's what we do know. The first is that Speak-as-One created the Shape.

 THE-MEASURE-CUTS [QUOTING]: “Who is really the shadow, or the angel?” A creation of my progenitors that your kind mistook for a winged being. The truth, as ever, is much worse.

 LAVANYA [00:24:19] SAO describes the Shape as merciful and calls it the angel.

 THE VOICE [QUOTE] [00:24:23] We wish to save you from this lonely waking nightmare you call life without the Song. The Angel is our hand, and it will end a life only when mercy has been proven fruitless.

 LAVANYA [00:24:40] Presumably, this is because of its physical characteristics, but we're not exactly sure.

 XAVIUL [00:24:45] It has a physical form, and it can be foamed, and it must open doors to pass through them.

 ASTRO [00:24:53] The Shape can be changed by changes to the Song. If the Song reports more sin in one playerm other than the one that the Shape is targeting, he will switch targets. Additionally, upon completion of the instrument damper mission, he can lose his target completely. He will still wander the maze, but he won't know who to target.

 LAVANYA [00:25:12] While he has a physical form, he is also linked explicitly to sound - not just in the Song, but overall. Beckoning causes a cacophony of human whispers, which increase constantly as you are shaped.

 LAVANYA [00:25:25] The words almost make sense, the closer you are to joining the Song, but they'll never fully make sense, and the sound is a little similar to what you can hear in Nerve Center if you stand on top of the resonator.

 LAVANYA [00:25:46] When you are shaped, it produces a loud siren as the noise that slowly gains in volume as you are put to sleep. While the Shape is on you, period, other sound around you is slowed and distorted. This is most evident in the sin wires, and it's not clear if this affects all sounds, like the ambience. But it does affect some of them.

 ASTRO [00:26:12] If he wanted to put us to sleep you should look into those sleep aid C.D.S, like wave sounds, come on.

 LAVANYA [00:26:17]  it's like it doesn't even know its job! It could do sleep soundwaves, it could do the brown note, there's a lot of things that he could do instead of screaming at us.

 XAVIUL [00:26:26] Sleep AMSR!

 LAVANYA [00:26:28] Shape sleep ASMR! When can we buy it?

 ASTRO [00:26:31] Being near the Shape produces visible noise similar to TV static.

 XAVIUL [00:26:37] If he can't find his target, he'll grow wings and change, which increases his physical abilities.

 ASTRO [00:26:43] He gets the jumps.

 XAVIUL [00:26:45] Doesn't he also see in the dark?

 LAVANYA [00:26:46] Yes, he does.

 XAVIUL [00:26:47] Slaps on those fucking night vision goggles. Watch out!

 LAVANYA [00:26:50] And to backtrack, despite having a physical form, despite somehow being linked into the Song, despite the fact he's an eldritch abomination and part of the game right now is focused heavily on exactly how you kill those off, we have it firmly established you cannot kill the Shape.

 LAVANYA [00:27:10] The Shape is here to stay, baby.

 THE-MEASURE-CUTS [QUOTING] [00:27:13] “I want to kill the Shape.” I have been working on the same thing. I do not believe it can be killed in the way that you mean. It has always been here. If its body dies, then somehow it persists, whether it has multiple hosts as we did or… or something that defies the law of reason. I sincerely hope it is not the latter.

 XAVIUL [00:27:44] And of course we can't go without talking about SAO and their relationships with the other voices. So we'll start off with the former BFF for life.

 LAVANYA [00:27:57] TMC and SAO used to be tight as fuck, probably to the extent of exchanging friendship bracelets, if SAO was capable of revealing any of the other Daimons as individual entities that deserved friendship.

 LAVANYA [00:28:11] In the past, The-Measure-Cuts and SAO worked together actively, back when TMC was being viewed by society as a forge goddess. We don't know the exact context behind that, but we do know that basically TMC was in with the management at that point. But he isn't right now!

 LAVANYA [00:28:27] We know that SAO is, per the other Daimons, the creator of Red Acre - or at least perceived as such. However, The-Measure-Cuts feels a certain amount of ownership over the town for whatever reason. He states that "I am running a controlled experiment and you are the subject" to one of the player characters.

 ASTRO [00:28:46] The-Measure-Cuts said he tried to remain neutral when Thee-I-Dare was shattered. He's directed players to help Thee-I-Dare before, But he did let TID's get murdered.

 THE-MEASURE-CUTS [QUOTING]: I have a sibling.  Some once called him, THEE-I-DARE.  You could be of concrete and immediate use to him, if you value truth more than life or time.

 ASTRO [00:29:15] The-Measure-Cuts seems ambivalent on actually working against Thee-I-Dare, though he doesn't seem to want to help out SAO's plan either.

 THE-MEASURE-CUTS [QUOTING] [00:29:22] "Our progenitor is an entity who's name I will not speak."

 ASTRO [00:29:22] Names gives power. The-Measure-Cuts is choosing not to give SAO more power.

 LAVANYA [00:29:34] Because he's *disloyal.(

 LAVANYA [00:29:36] The thing about it is does SAO acknowledge that TMC is a completely different person and not just a naugty little body part that got cut off? No.

 LAVANYA [00:29:45] But SAO still wants him to come back. SAO wants to reclaim TMC, referring to him as the Scholar. So while TMC is being a little bit of a dick, refusing to giv SAO power by saying their name, refusing to help them actually finally drop the hammer on Thee-I-Dare, refusing to let Red Acre exist without trying to poke the children with syringes -.

 LAVANYA [00:30:11] Ultimately SAO does forgive!

 XAVIUL [00:30:15] It's kinda like when you bite your tongue on accident. You don't get angry at your teeth for it.

 XAVIUL [00:30:20] Exactly. Exactly! Spit out the blood and move on.

 XAVIUL [00:30:24] Speaking of teeth.

 ASTRO [00:30:28] [laughter] So what about In-Her-Teeth?

 XAVIUL [00:30:30] Well, she likes to call SAO brother, while other voices have their own kind of flavors of words to describe them, like The-Measure-Cuts calls them progenitor, Dance-for-Us calls them parent - In-Her-Teeth is more of a familial sense and In-Her-Teeth is also in the past referred to SAO as those that bore me.

 XAVIUL [00:30:55] Family trees. Are they real? More at eight.

 ASTRO [00:30:56] In-her-Teeth has also referred to SAO as the "Breeders."

 LAVANYA [00:31:02] It's a nasty term, but that we found out in a private dream from In-Her-Teeth recently, that she actually runs r/childfree.

 LAVANYA [00:31:12] After all, what is banning, but the little death?

 LAVANYA [00:31:15] Lavanya, we promise not to lie on this show.

 XAVIUL [00:31:18] We did?

 LAVANYA [00:31:21] Boo!

 XAVIUL [00:31:22] In-Her-Teeth thinks all the Daimons have lived too long and wants to find a way for them to die, but specifically targets SAO.

 IN-HER-TEETH [QUOTING] [00:31:34] I do need hosts to retake Redacre and annihilate the so-called “sleeping god”…

 LAVANYA [00:31:37] This is an interesting contrast to the fact SAO's entire thing is conditional immortality, which probably plays into the fact SAO calls her death fetishist.

 LAVANYA [00:31:46] Familial love, y'all~

 ASTRO [00:31:49] So what about Laugh-Last?

 LAVANYA [00:31:51] Laugh-Last calls essay management.

 XAVIUL [00:31:54] I mean it's what they are.

 LAVANYA [00:31:57] If SAO is management, does that mean that Laugh-Last is the unpaid intern, that they keep taking his card, but he keeps following other people into the building anyway?

 XAVIUL [00:32:05] I'm too young to understand this reference.

 LAVANYA [00:32:07] [laughter]

 XAVIUL [00:32:07] Laugh-Last believes that if SAO has their way, Red Acre will be ~*THE WORST*~. So we have to do everything we can to fight the power! Laugh-Last claims that being serious is death. SAO doesn't want any fun, any laughs, so you can see why there might be friction there.

 LAVANYA [00:32:26] SAO  doesn't actually want anything to do with Laugh-Last.

 LAVANYA [00:32:29] At this point in time, they call him The Fool and they say that it's in his nature to stand apart, and to look for humor at the group's expense. Which is pretty much opposite of anything that SAO wants to deal with, wants to see, or wants to have anywhere near their delicate, delicate meat husks.

 LAVANYA [00:32:46] No anvils, no pianos.

 XAVIUL [00:32:47] No taste -.

 LAVANYA [00:32:47] None of that. So Dance-for-Us. She's an interesting case in that I assumed, personally speaking, that SAO would just fucking *love* her. However, it turns out in a rare instance - once in a lifetime experience - I was wrong.

 XAVIUL [00:33:04]  [laughter]

 ASTRO [00:33:06] She doesn't like SAO, and the feeling is mutual. SAO has said about her: she corrupts physical meaning, and said the Dancer is consumed by vice.

 ASTRO [00:33:15] They say that she is irredeemable: unlike the Scholar, she can't be brought back to the Song. Her followers are encouraged to sing and dance for fun, the way they want to. This is very different from the tradition SAO preserves, which is one of joint dance, done in sync.

 LAVANYA [00:33:30] It's kind of like when somebody burst into your beautiful studio performance of the Black Swan, and starts drop-pop-n-locking and right in the center of the stage.

 XAVIUL [00:33:38] I'd watch it.

 LAVANYA [00:33:40] [vehement] You unplug the TV!

 ASTRO [00:33:43] And last, but not least, Thee-I-Dare. Naturally, he's not a fan of SAO.

 ASTRO [00:33:48] He opposed Speak-as-One in early human history: the creation of the word, causing the creation of identity and the creation of individualism.

 XAVIUL [00:33:56] Now thinks that all Daimons must die, apparently?

 LAVANYA [00:33:59] He's still trying to oppose SAO, even though we know where that got him before. And you know SAO still wants to wipe him off the face of the earth.

 XAVIUL [00:34:09] Nothing personal, though~.

 LAVANYA [00:34:10] It's just cleaning~.

 XAVIUL [00:34:11] Gotta get rid of the trash!

 ASTRO [00:34:13] One final note. One of the newest gods, Seed-the-Grudge has a very specific and very deliberate relationship with SAO.

 LAVANYA [00:34:22] She states that if you want to contact her, you have to send a prayer off to Speak-as-One, and say her name at the beginning of it.

 ASTRO [00:34:29] Where the other gods feared to speak their name, Seed-the-Grudge shows no such fear. She wants SAO to know that she's here..

 ASTRO [00:34:37] And she's using us to do it.

ASTRO [00:34:43] We'd like to think Cass Marshall from Polygon. She writes about game communities and her articles are always a treat to read. She's written a couple articles about the Sea of Thieves community, and her shenanigans in it all are a wonderful read.

 ASTRO [00:34:56] In our description, we're putting a link to a recent article she made, entitled "A HORROR GAME: Where the Devs Spook You Out in Real Time". This is an article that she made in conjunction with Xaviul.

 XAVIUL [00:35:07] Yes! It was so much fun, it was kind of nerve racking, but I had a great time creeping around Red Acre with her.

 ASTRO [00:35:16] She stealthed this article passed us and released it while I was editing Episode 6, so we didn't get to thank her then, but we're thanking her this time. So thank you, Cass Marshall.

 ASTRO [00:35:24] Spoderman, who has been a previous guest on this show, has made a transcript master doc. If you have transcripts or video links, please send them to him. We're trying to compile as much information as we can to help everyone in the club. More information on that is on the doc, which you can find at http://tinyurl.com/tbctranscripts.

 ASTRO [00:35:44] That's all lowercase TBC transcripts. We'll be leaving another link to that in our episode description as well.

  ASTRO [00:35:50] And finally, if you enjoy the Blackout Club, please leave a review of the game, especially on Steam.

  ASTRO [00:35:56] If you already have, that's wonderful. If you haven't, take an opportunity to go do that! We'll be linking the store page in the descriptionn, just make it a little easier for you.

  ASTRO [00:36:05] After you've left the review, use #thedreamingprophet and #theblackoutclub on Twitter to share your favorite Blackout Club memories. We'll read some of them out on the closer of our next show.

  ASTRO [00:36:15] The Blackout Club is made by Question Games. Our advertising director is Bellamy. Our transcript and video is by Lavanya. Audio editing is by me, Astro. Our hype squad is Spider-Man. Xaviul cooks three minute eggs for two minutes.

[rebelians]

In my previous post about Presentation, and positive Representation, I listed many of the first times I saw Myself. Because of shows like The Cosby Show and A different World, we now have so much Black Love and Excellence seen on TV today. I am proud to be a youth in a society where my people are renaming what is is to be Black, the ivtersectionalities that exist in our community. I am proud to see a vast color spectrum, a variety of Continental Africans, Western African Americans, Caribbean, and West Indians. The fact that I can choose which beautiful melanin drenched scripted magic that enforces our Glo. It is trailblazers like Donald Glover, Issa Rae, Ava Duvernay, and Mara Brock Akil, that continue to push us forward and make it alright for us to Shine. This list encompasses my favorite shows that promote healthy living healthy black plight and success in the black community. The shows don’t glamorize or dehumanize black people to un-attainable level but rather show the real in the black community, giving real models not role models. I’m blessed to have such positive and real representations in my life that are relatable while being a guide and versions of what life can be in both negative and positive reinforcements. The first of the many beautiful productions is Queen Sugar.

“Queen Sugar is a visually stunning production, making the most of the waterlogged bayous and swampy farmland of rural Louisiana.”(Saraiya) This colorful description of how Queen Sugar’s production is a visually pleasing aesthetic that takes the mud and swamp and makes it powerful and poetic. Queen Sugar is epic with its glossed frames and natural back drops. Using the actual land to bounce of the melodic skin tones of its leading stars Rutina Wesley, Dawn-Lyen Gardner, Kofi Siriboe playing the conflicted Bordelon siblings. The rough lives of community organizer, wife coping with adultery and separation, and a convict turned business man makes for many interesting tales. This contemporary drama, created by Ava Duvernay (my shero) with writing credits from Anthony Sparks, and on Oprah Winfrey’s network, stands in the sun and speak Confidence. I am Here is the theme for almost all of the positive shows on this list.  The impactful and strategy dedicated filming is important to note. From the director of photography Ava Berkofsk of Insecure, to executive producer Ava Duvernay of Queen Sugar new tactics of shaping black faces has become major in creating these needed figures.  “The sunlight filters through the clouds and over the shoulders of the Bordelon family with celluloid fluidity, rendering everything within the frame weirdly beautiful”(Saraiya). The importance of Queen Sugar is the humanizing of the south and the softening of our stereotype’s of it. The south is gorgeous, hot, sweaty, has good food, ghetto/country people, very masculine, behind in the times, and all about cooking, farming, and family. These are many stereotypes and fantasies of what the Black South life looks like. Queen Sugar stands up to the bar in order to show some discourse in the dehumanization of people with African ancestry. Although Aunt Vi can throw down and prepare food for her family she has aspirations for her talents. Being an ex-con doesn’t make Rah an unjust person it doesn’t take away from his heart. He is the personification of Tough Times not Lasting but Tough People lasting. While Nova likes to dance and enjoy the herb of the earth she also stands for a cause that isn’t just herself, she stands for her people. To be honest we all found Charlie extremely strong, to leave Davis, along with others I thought she was a role model of how to act with strength in abundance. But that over examination of black women has been in our movies, shows, and literature. Charlie’s character defies this. Having moments of breaking down, and being vulnerable is okay, and even better we will go on. I thank them for the tearing down and rebuilding of the black face. Thankful for the representation.

“…Because the lens so actively humanizes the Bordelons even as others in the narrative would diminish them.”

If we don’t tell our stories and show our face who will?

Continuing to look at how production and media representation is changing, the next show that is standing in truth and reality is Insecure. The white director of photography on Insecure, Ava Berkofsk, wants every scene to be aesthetically pleasing, like a photograph or painting. She says “When I was in film school, no one ever talked about lighting non-white people. There are all these general rules about lighting people of colour, like throw green light or amber light at them. It’s weird.”(Eweniyi)

 The reason for this teaching is because the world we live in and the society we stay in have said white people are the worthy, they are going to be the ones on tv shows and movies so we need to not worry about how to light black skin because there will be no black skin in our all white cast. It is important that we are treated and seen as the prepossessing, light defying kings and queens that we are. Insecure captures that. With its writing on real issues that affect young black adults navigating who they are in their communities how to impact their communities and societies for the better, how women are viewed especially black women, and who is the narrator of our experience. The show brings to the table discussion of sexuality and how women are hindered by what they pursue, and how double standards afflict the black community by destroying itself from the inside out. It touches on losing our selves on the journey of life and how we can find our identity once again. There is talk about this show alone saving the “Black Sitcom,” and I believe in it. The ideals of teaching lessons thru humor and good dialogue are what our 90s Black sitcom was built on. The resurgence of genuine music and reality balancing each other out is giving us Soulful renditions of our movies and childhood. We are yet again given a model who exemplifies what is it like to be flawed and living in it day by day. Issa has repeated over and over that she didn’t want to create a show about “the struggle of being black,” but rather, one about “regular black people living life.” Which is a poetic way of giving different perspectives into how we live and continue to rise higher. I am thankful for this representation, and I am thankful to Issa Rae, Melina Matsoukas, Yvonne Orji, Amanda Seales, Natasa Rothwell, and Ava Berkofsk, I see you.

Honorable Mention: On January 10, 2018 at 8:30 on Freeform formally known as ABC family, Grown-ish the clever spin-off of Black-ish will premiere. The parallel of Cosby Show and A Different World, Brownish is exactly what college students like me are looking for. Similar to Denise’s story on The Cosby Show, Zoe goes to a fictional school, away from home leaving behind her younger siblings. Gratitude for this much needed series is more than overdue. For young-adults like me who love A Different World and aspire to be like the characters, having our own A Different World will be powerful. We Thank You Kenya Barris.

Dear White People, even with the freaking title we stepping on necks. Like honestly, this show was one of the best things to come out of this terrible year. With the alternative perspectives and new faces the meaning of what it is to be unapologetically black push through. The show is close to my own experience now, besides the bomb ass love life Sam has, with the pulling of many black groups, the division we face at PWI’s both from white people, disconnect with authority, and the hard journey of one of our most thought of attributes. Being black isn’t saying Dear White People you all are racist, insensitive, horrible, malicious people, but the show focuses on the pointing out of differences not ignoring them but the steps to readjust and fix the oppression that continues on our community. From intersectionalities and finding oneself through characters like Lionel, to the common feeling of trying to make black parents proud despite your goals in Troy, the outright nobility and courage in Reggie, the fear of failing and heavy value on americanization in Coco, and the restlessness and eager spirit of liberation and logic of Sam. Dear White People excels. I’m thankful for the experience of a black community at a White Institution. For me going to Towson is similar to DWP description of Winchester College. Issues like having more Black organizations than you can recall, and all being different in their own right, to slightly being attracted to a white boy, and feeling this betrays your Pro-Black personality, to the dynamic of having all white classmates who aren’t remotely close to you and all under the direction of a White Male teacher. So I thank Justin Simien for your bravery and transparent authenticity.

     Another Honorable Mention: Survivors Remorse gives us a glimpse into why many of our pro athletes go broke, get caught up, or loose the bag all together. This show has taken many turns but I am glad to say I still love it- Even tho they killed off my Unc Julius. Still salty on that one.

Everyone’s favorite show to hate and love, Power always ignites a fire in black people to see a Boss like Ghost battle with keeping his footing in his place with success. From Black mothers being mad because Ghost starts falling in love with a white girl (who isn’t even really white, but because she isn’t black- she’s white), and siding with Tasha. To Tommy being a completely impulsive and un-resistable tough guy, who men love to watch. To Ghost making us fall for his charisma, fear his ambition, and be weary of his choices. Only one word sums the feeling of this show- Power.

From Mahershala Ali’s unforgettable, incomparable, and unbelievable performance as Cotton-mouth in only seven episodes, to Mike Colter’s  irresistible stone face, Luke Cage makes us proud to be one of the newest Black Supper Hero series.

Honorable Mention: The Get Down and The Life of Jessica James. The series takes place in the Bronx during the 70s, and is all about the discovery of self through the arts, essentially music.

The parallels of different in the black community which usually end up being represented as weird. The fashionable love the 5 Kings have for each other. The rejection aesthetic that Jessica toys with. The love for the moments they all encompass. I’m thankful for both of these representations. I was initially so sad, and heated that Netflix pulled this all POC/black show, due to ‘funding,’ because I felt this was about race. But the way we can look at this is in the aspect of shows like Freaks and Geeks who only had one season and stand as Iconic, so Will the Get Down. Also sidebar Jessica James should be a series, she is literally a style, and self icon. I appreciate the representation.

This show made me wish the people who left my life wellness, had me write a new post-it every minute I felt ANYTHING, and made me see a glimpse of what my life could maybe consist of. Being Mary Jane. A show that doesn’t get enough attention or notoriety,  but doesn’t need it. It pulls its weight in dialogue and interest in the community and isn’t affected by its lack of awards nor nominations. Of course as a day one fan of the show since the movie/pilot, I wish that one year my girl Gabriel Union would’ve swept best actress, or we would’ve won best  Drama, but so is life. Being Mary Jane does a purposeful job and is deliberate. Of-course it has its times where we do not agree with the subject matter or find it demeaning, but this is seldom. The show gives us enough to be proud of and even more to relate to as growing black women in our careers. It gives light and passion on who we are and can be. I am thankful for this representation of a successful women who truly doesn’t have it all together, a real model. I praise you Mara Brock Akil and Gabriel Union.

Lastly and principally on the list is Golden Globe and Emmy winner, Atlanta. A dream winner who deserved all the accolades we wished them. This epic triggered so many emotions and did so in only one season. Remarkable is the only word to describe the progress. Many counted the rapper Childish Gambino out, thinking how can a rapper know anything of how to make a realistic and interesting show. But the realness Donald Glover brings to the screen is unbearable. From the light and cinematography to the use of trap music, rap, and social issues that strictly matter to the exploration of self, Atalanta is a crazy representation for real life. I praise Donald and Stephen Glover, Lakeith, Zazie, and Brian.

As I said in the first part of this two series epic, these beautiful people continue to promote positive energy for us as adolescence and young adults. It is major to my perspective especially, going to a PWI, that I have loved forced on me in different ways. The shows and short film up top have done just that. As the great hood scholar Tupac Amaru Shakur said “Marvin Gaye use to sing to me, He had me feeling like BLACK was the thing to be…” These souls are speaking to me and re-enforcing in me that Black indeed is the thing to be. We are More than Enough, Worthy, Beautiful, Important, and Needed, we continue to Shine, and to be amongst this ensemble of historic past and future makes me intensively proud each day. Peace x

  Positive Representation: How We continue to Shine In my previous post about Presentation, and positive Representation, I listed many of the first times I saw Myself.