#but to bring it back to the post - dodds is a good enough cop (& person) to also Know. mcgrath could never. garland would but be unsure

[headcanonfantasy]

Fragile-A Barisi fic

Inspired by a post by @whiterose2664

Rafael hadn’t had much intimate contact. He'd tried since he started college. Both men and women, he tried dating as much as he could. But each relationship failed, ending with Rafael crying on his bed each night, frustrated sexually and sensually. After his last relationship when he was 28, the night he graduated from Harvard, he just decided enough was enough and just kept to himself and his work. The only people in his life that he came into physical contact with was a platonic kind of such with Rita, his longtime friend since his Harvard days, and his mother, who’s the most support he got. He worked his way to the top until he became ADA in the Bronx. Still, in his success, he felt like he was missing something.

*2015*

Rafael was coming in to work a case and he saw a guy sitting on a desk. Liv, who’d been the second best friend in his life after Rita (His mother doesn’t count since she was a direct contact on the phone), walked over to him, greeting him with a smile.

“Rafa, great to see you.” Liv said as she wrapped her arm around his back.

“Who’s the new hire?” Barba asked.

“Oh, that’s Carisi. He’s a bit of a fanboy. He’s a transfer from Brooklyn SVU. Manhattan had an opening and he applied not knowing it’d come through.” Liv said. Sonny turned to see the two of them walking to Liv’s office. “Sorry about your touch thing. I almost forgot, are you okay?” Liv asked when she let go of him and closed the door.

“I’ll be okay. As long as it wasn’t too long. So why are we alone?” Rafael asked.

“Okay, so we just found out about your death threats and Carisi volunteered to be your security detail.” Liv said.

“Liv? I’m fine.” Rafael scoffed.

“You think you are but it’s not even up to you, it’s up to your boss at One Hogan Place. And besides, Carisi’s going to law school at night and is kinda hoping to shadow someone.” Liv begged. Rafael couldn’t say no to his best friend’s begging face.

“Fine.” Rafael said as they came back out and Rafael shook hands with Carisi.

“Dominick Carisi Jr. Call me Sonny.” Carisi said as he introduced himself.

“Nice to meet you.” Rafael said as he shook his hand, something feeling different in the younger detective’s shake.

“The Pleasure’s all mine. I’ve been reading your case files.” Carisi said. ...................................................................................................... The many months spent together were intriguing. Barba’d help with his homework, Sonny’d look at the cases Rafael was working on with a pair of fresh eyes. He was like a clerk he never thought he needed and god knows, Carmen was a Godsend but even she had her limits. Sonny’s and Rafael’s working together soon came to a head however when he made the death threats worse and then Mike Dodds came and went in a body bag. But they still got to work together at the precinct and eventually, Sonny got his law license. After a celebratory drink, Sonny tried to hug Rafael, but he pushed him away.

“Did I do something wrong?” Sonny asked.

“Of course not, Sonny. It’s just I’m sensitive to touch. Everytime I’ve gotten close to someone, they emotionally put me through the ringer and the last relationship I had was when I was 28 and I almost had sex with that person, but I caught them cheating on me with a mutual classmate.” Rafael sighed and looked down at his drink.

“I’m so sorry, Rafael.” Sonny comforted the older man as he felt Sonny soothe him by rubbing his shoulder. He liked that, but he didn’t want Sonny to know that. ....................................................................................................... “Rafi honey, you need to learn to trust again.” Lucia said to him over the phone a few days later. His Abuelita had passed a couple days before and he just got home from the funeral.

“To be honest, Mami, I kinda have confided in someone about the last time I dated.” Lucia was one of the only people who knew about his being cheated on.

“Rafael, who is this mystery person? Bring them to dinner next time you come. I’ll make Coffee custard.” Lucia said as a knock on his door occurred.

“Mami, I gotta go. Besides, it’s also getting late. Te Amo. Rafael said as he looked through his peephole to see an all too familiar coiffe. “Alright, I’ll call you Manana. Goodnight, Mami.” Rafael hung up as he let the detective in.

“Hey, I heard about your grandmother. I thought I’d drop by with a lasagna.” Sonny came in and Rafael took the lasagna from him.

“Why?” Rafael asked.

“Well, food heals wounds in my family.” Sonny explained. “I added Spanish influences, I hope you don’t mind. I made a pasta sauce with tomatoes and Tomatillos and I used Chorizo instead of making it with Italian Sausage.” Sonny described, making Rafael smile.

“Thank you, Sonny.” Rafael sat down the lasagna and cut it into squares. Sonny got plates out and found a wine in the fridge. They ate and talked about lost loved ones.

“This is very good, Sonny.” Rafael said.

“Thanks, I wanted to impress you.” Sonny said as he started putting dishes in the sink.

“You don’t have to do that all the time, Sonny. You do enough at work.” Rafael assured.

“Still.” There was something on Sonny’s mind.

“Something wrong?” Rafael asked, worried.

“It’s just...How do I say this? I’ve had feelings for you since we first shook hands.” Sonny finally let out.

“To be honest, Sonny, I’ve been feeling sort of attracted since I first saw you that morning we shook hands.” Rafael said.

“By the way, your touch thing. How are you able to handle handshakes but you can’t handle hugs?” Sonny asked.

“I can handle hugs, but I need to have known the person long enough for them to do that.” Rafael said. “I can hug my mom, I can hug Rita, we were classmates in Harvard together. And I could hug Liv because she’s like my best friend after Rita. But I didn’t know you long enough at the time.” Sonny nodded understandingly.

“How about now?” Sonny asked. “Do you know me long enough to hug me now?”

“I trust you enough.” Rafael said as he felt the taller man hug Rafael. He didn’t hug him too long because he didn’t want Rafael to hyperventilate or worse, but Rafael felt something he never thought he would: A sort of intimacy that made him feel like if he were to date Sonny, his heart wouldn’t be broken. .................................................................................................... A few months later, Sonny had a brief fling with this reporter he didn’t know was a reporter until he inadvertently leaked a story about a recent case. Rafael was waiting for Sonny to come back from Rollins’s to talk to him. What he did was stupid, but the worst part was he didn’t tell him he was dating whatshername, Arya. When Sonny got to Rafael’s, he expected an explosion of “How could you?”s and maybe a threat to make Liv suspend him. It was more about the job. He didn’t even like Arya that way, he usually just went over there because he always felt sorry for her not having anyone in the city. It wasn’t until the case of the little girl who went missing that he realized why. Amanda took him home to make Spaghetti for Jessie to cheer him up from the betrayal of his friendship.

“So are you gonna tell me what’s up with that reporter?” Rafael asked hurt and a little tipsy. He was way past crying on his bed.

“Rafael, I meant what I said that night-” Sonny got cut off by Rafael throwing a bottle of white at his head. Narrowly, he missed and hit the door instead. He had another bottle in the fridge, but he’d had enough wine to begin with.

“CHRIST!” Sonny screamed.

“DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER?!” Rafael screamed back, angrier than his usual grumpy self.

“Rafael, please. Arya wasn’t that kind of friend.” Sonny tried to explain.

“That’s what the guy who cheated on me last said before I walked in on him with the classmate’s legs around his neck.” Rafael spat as he turned around, not wanting to face Sonny.

“Rafi, Arya was just a friend. I didn’t even know she was a reporter until after I told her what happened. We never even did anything like what you’re describing.” Sonny sighed as he walked up to Rafael, trying to get him to look at him. Rafael tore away from him before he could. “Hhhhuuuhh, I’ve never done anything with anyone since I confessed how I feel about you that one night I brought you the lasagna.” Sonny assured.

“Damn right you haven’t.” Rafael was bitter when he said that, he’d been waiting for Sonny to do something since that night. Kiss him, cop a feel, anything to make some sort of move.

“I thought you’d need some space between us before I did anything.” Sonny explained. That got Rafael to turn around.

“You wanted me to be more comfortable before we took another step?” Rafael asked.

“You suffered decades of dates who took advantage of your emotions, I wanted to prove to you that I was worthy of your trust and maybe we could finally date. When you’re ready of course.” Sonny then took his cheeks in his hands and stroked them. Then slowly and softly, Sonny pressed his lips to Rafael’s and Rafael felt overwhelmed from the feel of Sonny’s touch and embrace. The way he was  treating him with kid gloves, like he was fragile, but like he didn’t want to hurt him like he had been in the past. It made the older man feel truly wanted. The kiss was a little longer than the hug and it was sensual in every way. He moaned into it, enjoying the tingling sensation. Eventually though, Sonny misconstrued the kiss and it stopped prematurely to his liking.

“I’m sorry, did I do something wrong to hurt you? Were my lips not soft enough?” Sonny asked.

“No, the kiss was perfect. I was moaning because I liked the sensation.” Rafael pulled Sonny back in, believing everything he said before the kiss as Sonny kept holding onto his cheeks. Rafael then stuck his tongue out and it drove him even wilder, like he wanted even more.

“Would you like to come into the bedroom?” Rafael asked.

“Aren’t you drunk? Besides what about the mess?” Sonny asked.

“I’m not too drunk to remember the kiss or what your body must feel like, Sonny. And I’ll clean up after you leave tomorrow.” Rafael explained as he pulled Sonny into his bedroom by the tie and Sonny picked him up slowly as they entered the bedroom. Gently, he lied him down on the mattress and kissed his neck gently, nuzzling it with his nose, smelling his cologne.

Rafael gasped, every touch Sonny gave him as he opened his shirt, stripped him of his suspenders and unzipped his pants. Their clothes fell article after article in a pile on the floor as Sonny climbed into the bed and rolled him further into the bed and Rafael felt Sonny’s body, Sonny telling him not to touch him yet.

“You can feel my body anytime after tonight, Rafi. Tonight though is all about you.” Sonny said as he stroked Rafael’s cheek and then began to feel everywhere on him. Rafael kept gasping, on the verge of happy tears as he finally felt the sensation of love-making for the first time with a man he could finally trust. Sonny stroked Rafael’s penis as it began to grow hard at the touch of everything else. Every stroke, every kiss, every caress of his muscles made him feel like Sonny was repairing his heart properly after years of having it break boyfriend and girlfriend after such, cutting down each thorn that was hiding and protecting it as it festered with anger and pain all these years. Rafael felt love and he especially felt it as he looked into Sonny’s eyes like he did the first time they shook hands all that time ago. Rafael climaxed after about an hour of being stroked down there and when the pressure released from him, Sonny kissed him deeper and went to leave for a washcloth. Rafael grabbed his arm and asked him to hold him.

“We can wait to clean up tomorrow then. Sure I’ll hold you, Rafi.” Sonny said as he climbed off of Rafael’s lap and wrapped his arms around the ADA’s no longer neglected body. Rafael began to doze off as Sonny pulled a blanket up over the two of them and Sonny whispered into his ear as he was falling asleep.

“I love you, Rafi and I will kill myself before I ever hurt you.” Sonny then watched Rafael sleep before falling asleep himself, both content.