#but to be fair.. i have been pushed oretty dang far at this point

[anyu-blue]

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So yesterday evening was fantastic after the fiasco of my mother being here.

After making sure my sister was okay(ish) after mom called me a bitch and stuff (it upset Tevie to the point she ran upstairs and hid), I talked to my sister more in-depth about my decision to draw the line and cut her away from me.

Tevie during this time informed me our mother wanted to attempt to pull out of paying rent entirely. Wanted to leave the $500 up to me.. and only didn't/won't because Tevie was able to convince her that we would both be homeless within a month if she did that (because it's true... And Tevie didn't say so to avoid upsetting our mother further, but while she has ANYTHING of hers here, she's contractually obligated to pay rent for the storage. We all are.)

After talking, Tevie told me there was a lot she didn't understand about my decision, but understood more in the end so I'm glad we had the chance to talk.

She then made a decision that seemed odd to me, but I went with it. She told me to contact our (adoptive) dad and tell him the exact same things I told her, if for nothing else than to help me feel better and knock my stress level down.

So we both went over to my dad's, after him again letting me know his door is always open to me 💙, and Him and his wife listened (and talked) to me through the story of what happened (yes mentioned I did not come across as super sweet and my tone was likely the cause of mom being so grr. I even said the exact same things in the same tone(s) just to be sure they knew what I meant), and then told them why I drew my line.

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~ (long with examples v. Tldr at the end)

I drew the line and refuse to talk to my mother (and her sister sadly enough (see 'sudden memory' in some of my previous ranty posts)) because every time I do... There is 100% total disregard for what I want to talk about, what I may need, and what solutions may be available. When I'm trying to communicate to better be understand and be understood, it's never about how I came to my conclusions or why I'm having issues or what I'm seeing that doesn't seem right.. if it's anything negative at all, it's always about how what I'm trying to talk about makes THEM feel (they do have every right to their feelings). It's about how upset or hurt they are for how I'm thinking of something or how I've interpreted something or how I've reacted to something... Despite trying to explain my reasons, trying to show evidence and validate what I've brought up, or even just trying to understand and trying to just have a better relationship as a whole instead of making assumptions and coming to wrong conclusions.

[Basically an example is- I knew I had communication issues with my mom. We sat down a few months ago and I told her I was willing to work with her and try new things so we could communicate easier and fight less. I asked her what she wanted to try. She said she wasn't sure. So I offered a few solutions. Like letting me text her or having her text me to see what kind of mood we were in before any and all interactions just to be sure we weren't bothering the other and that they were willing to talk. Just a quick text of 'hey, can I talk to you?' or 'what's the mood today?' or something like 'I need something and need to talk when you have the chance.' anything along those lines really. And an option for me or her could be, if one of us was too moody and couldn't control our tone or something, was to text back- taking as much time as we needed to be sure to say the right things and say EXACTLY what me mean in our replies- so we still talked but kept distance. (Personally this option would have been great for me. I have even more problems speaking when I'm super stressed. Sometimes my jaw locks up and it's physically painful to talk.)

She said no. She had too hard a time texting and hated the repsonses she got Because she always had a hard time interpreting words, (whereas it's always the easiest option for me, especially in staying calm). Okay. So I tried offering a safe word and/or gesture for 'it's not you it's me, leave me alone rn because I'm overhwhelmed, but I will get back to you asap/when I'm ready'. No. Scheduling specific times to talk so we were both prepared to not fly off the handle. No.

Tbh, I didn't have that many solutions off the top of my head... But she didn't have any she could think of she was willing to do/try. She was upset I wouldn't just talk to her or let her talk to me anytime. She was upset we needed alternative Avenues at all instead of me just keeping calm and level for her at all times and for all things.

I asked her if she could and would remain calm and level at all times and for all things as a counter... and she mentioned she probably couldn't...

That night also ended badly, with her storming out because I wouldn't 'just stop shutting her out or being a brat.' Or 'understand all of this was upsetting, especially when [I] refused to or literally couldn't speak to [her] because it made [her] feel unwelcome.'.. when literally the goal of the conversation was to help stop making her feel such ways and find a solution to the problem together where we both knew not to take anything personally.

Another (shorter) example: I mentioned to her I don't trust her (and why, with physical receipts) a while ago. She was incredibly upset by that. Her counter was to ask if I'd be upset if someone did the same thing to me- saying they don't trust me with receipts. I told her I would understand. That they'd be right to distrust me... That upset her too. She asked then how I'd feel if they DIDN'T have receipts.. I told her I'd be confused, but I'd understand that some people aren't going to trust me, and that's okay. Some people I will never be able to be trusted by no matter what I do... She couldn't reply save to say she was still incredibly upset and offended I didn't trust her and that my distrust made her feel like shit.]

After explained this to my dad and Jan... He told me he had always had the exact same problem with her. It was never about fixing the problem. It was always about how having the problem made her feel. Jan then popped in and told me this is exactly why her and my aunt are never around one another.

TL;DR: My mom and Aunt are so wound up in how having the issue makes them feel, about how we make them feel trying to discuss it (especially if there's some fault they have that caused it and we're trying to point it out), that the issue has to be dropped (more often they storm out).. and nothing gets fixed.. and we are always the bad guy for the problem or bringing it up.

I can't do it. I can't always be the bad guy when I'm trying EVERYTHING I can to make it better (aside from rolling over and staying quiet when there's a problem needing addressing)... And it's the same reason my dad left her. It's the same reason Jan and my aunt never talk.

I'm not alone.

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I thought I was the only one seeing this confusing and awful side of her. The only one who may actually just be being an asshole instead of having valid points and reasons.. the only one being hurt without any recognition. The only one being so confused and trying so hard to make it better with nothing in return. And I'm not ^^

I'm having a hard time explaining the depth of this here... But I promise you...

My dad, Jan, and myself all recognize that my mom and Aunt aren't devils. They aren't purely evil or horrible. They are people. They're people that were heavily abused growing up and only know what they know and only continue to act the way they do because it's what they were taught by their parents and peers. It's the only examples they had. And letting go of that. Changing. Is so so incredibly hard and the effort is gargantuan. It's too much for some, and that's okay. No one has to change unwillingly here. In this case... I am right and okay in cutting them out. In being done. Because it's what I can do to where I'm going to be okay and I'm not going to be actively bothering them. This isn't just for ME, it's for them too.. less stress. Less drama. They can be and do without me. None of their other relationships are affected because I'm not out to hurt them or anyone else. I'm just done being hurt and used by them in all ways save physical (I don't appreciate the threats of that either, even if that's all they are).

They, like us, are human. They deserve good things in life whether or not they are good people.

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Last night was also awesome because I was an idiot and left the switch on the Stratus on again (this time I didn't drive with it on, but am so used to checking if it's off, I accidentally turned it on instead when I exited the vehicle XP to be fair.. I was EXTREMELY depressed and distracted Friday evening) and dad came to jump it for me. It was like 10:30pm at the time... Lol 😅

I don't know many parents who would do that, but my dad will. Always does. Even if it DOESN'T benefit him in any way other than being sure I'm okay. He's the best. Literally the best thing that has ever happened to me.

He also let us keep our sister Wolfe out as long as we all wanted to play Pokemon Go (We were out til midnight) because we are all his kids, Tevie and I are full grown, and he trusts us.

I love my dad.