#but this one thing rustles my jimmies... she was going to learn about her powers herself... she should have saved garroth on her own terms.

[jurygarroth]

you dislike mcd aaron because he became aphmau's endgame love interest in the span of a season. i dislike mcd aaron because he undermined aphmau's possible arc of mastering her powers to open the irene dimension

[poohkeepsee]

I was going through my AO3 bookmarks, and I wanted to organize them a little bit. These are my Dean/Cas canon-ish fic recs.

season 5

canticles  by  2street2car Words: 10,311     Chapters: 1

“But you know something? If I couldn’t get you laid, at least I gave you a good first date.”feat: footsies at a Ruby Tuesday, stargazing, the recreation of an iconic "Dirty Dancing" scene (no, not that one—the other one), and practicing for When You're With A Girl.

FTBYAM MY BELOVED

post season 6

Someone Who's Feeling For Me  by  ellispark  Words: 45,876     Chapters: 1

Dean sees her for the first time in nearly six years in some no-name town in Idaho, and it's panic at first sight.

Lisa Braeden, the one woman Dean ever actually had a shot at a real life with, back from where he buried her in his mind. And her hand is on Cas's arm like it's no big deal, like it belongs there. Cas, Dean's dorky, sweet, badass, angelic best friend, and he's just standing there next to Lisa and not moving her hand away.

Dean feels the jealousy rising, and it's not directed where he expected it to be. Because it takes this exact moment for Dean to realize he's in love with his best friend. He's in love with his best friend, and Lisa is looking at Cas like he's the best thing since automatic rifles, and Dean is utterly fucked.

post bunker

Sun Can't Set Until Nine  by  LeverDrift Words: 67,939     Chapters: 16

Cas moves into the bunker as his powers start to fail. Dean doesn’t know if the arrangement is as permanent as he wants it to be. He's also not sure why he keeps dreaming about his friend. All he knows is that he wants Cas to stay. Overall warnings: canon-typical miscommunication & Dean having self-hatred issues.

Life Skills  by  ilovehowyouletmefall           Words: 26,052     Chapters: 3

After Metatron steals Castiel's grace, and Cas comes to live in the bunker, Dean spends a lot of time with him, sharing all of his favourite things. Dean can't help it if sharing things with Cas just makes everything better. Besides, it's Dean's job as Cas' friend to introduce him to the joys of human life. To teach him how to be human.  And if one of the experiences they end up sharing is sex with women, well... that's just part of Dean's job as Cas' friend too, right? The desire is triangulated, the rituals are intricate.

Sam Stole My Boyfriend  by  sobsicles    Words: 8,445     Chapters: 1

“Dude, you’ve been staring at me a lot lately, like even enough that Sam noticed. More than usual. So, like, what’s up?” Dean pauses, purses his lips and reconsiders. “What did I do?”

Cas knows that would be a perfect time to confess to Dean what exactly happened and what he was thinking. Maybe, Dean had some insight into the situation or even some kind of comfort to offer. But, the longer that he sat there, he realized that he could not tell Dean absolutely anything. So instead, for the first time, Cas fumbled.

“Um,” Cas mutters and abruptly stands. “Freckles?”

Dean blinked up at him as Cas pivoted and left the room. There was only one remaining option he had and unfortunately, it involved Sam.

Aching in the Absence of You  by  sobsicles Words: 95,090     Chapters: 10

Brittle and battle-worn, Cas looks at him over coffee one morning and says, "I need to go," and Dean instantly knows that he's not coming back.

He's not really sure how he knows it, but he does. It settles into the pit of his stomach, curling hot and tight like something he instinctively wants to tear out with his bare hands. He takes a breath, and it gets stuck in his throat, hitching there. It hurts, hurts, hurts when he finally exhales.

"Yeah," Dean says, "of course you do," and he nods jerkily as he looks down at his phone. He doesn't say goodbye. He doesn't look up from the screen when Cas gets up and leaves the room. He doesn't finish his coffee, or move for a long time.

By nightfall, Cas is gone.

'Communication'  by  JustAnotherSamlicker Words: 11,656

The same story told from two perspectives.

Dean bought a house and he and Cas fix it up.

Is Dean moving out? Is Cas moving in?

Should they just talk to each other already? (Yes they should)

Build a Home  by  domesticadventures Words: 20,102

After they save the world, Dean expects Cas to come back to the bunker with them.

He doesn't

season 10

The Most Important Thing  by  NorthernSparrow Words: 94,462     Chapters: 14

Jimmy Novak remembers nothing of the last six years. Reunited with his troubled daughter Claire, he's struggling to raise her on his own. The most important thing is to make Claire happy. But why does he keep having these dreams of wings, and of two men in a black car? (Canon-divergent from S10E11, when we first met Claire again and Dean was still struggling with the Mark of Cain. Takes places several months later).

season 12

Heroes for Ghosts  by  pantheon_of_discord Words: 42,922     Chapters: 7

Canon-divergent from 12.08

After Sam and Dean are arrested, Castiel is left alone and scrambling to find them. He knows they’re locked away in a government facility, and he’s still able to hear their prayers, but no matter how he tries Castiel can’t seem to track them. He chases leads and even attempts to hunt on his own, but Mary is AWOL, Crowley refuses to help, and Castiel’s options are running out.

Weeks pass, Castiel’s hope dwindles, and through it all Dean prays, keeping them connected. His voice is comforting, frustrating, and occasionally annoying, but in his solitude Castiel comes to cherish it. But then one day, without warning, Dean stops praying, and Castiel is forced to confront some uncomfortable truths about his feelings.

season 13

i want to do with you (what spring does with cherry trees)  by  sobsicles   Words: 74,173     Chapters: 8

Dean keeps going back.

When he arrives, it's always to blooming flowers and a windmill in the background, not too far from a brook, the sun painting the plains.

He likes it there. He likes to stand in front of the makeshift urn and check that it's still where he put it, switching out the flowers when they wilt. He likes to listen to the sound of birds chirping, insects singing, the faint sound of water trickling in the distance. He likes to turn his face up and feel the sun on his skin, wondering if Cas would do the same if he were here, somehow knowing that he would.

He likes to talk.

There's never a response, but Dean feels the breeze rustle through his hair and watches the flowers bob when bees come to them and stares as the windmill keeps turning, turning, turning. And he imagines that Cas is replying—the windmill is the tilted head, the bobbing flowers are a gentle smile, the breeze is whatever words Dean wants to hear at the time.

Sometimes, it's almost like he's there.

Trial and Tribulations of Raising a Nephilim  by  Sickandtiredofyou Words: 14,910   Chapters: 6

Dean has far too much on his plate, losing his mom, his best friend and now being a single parent to a newborn nephilim.

In which Jack is an actual newborn instead of a teenager.

post season 13

dumbassery, denial, doing (the three d's to the destination)  by  sobsicles           Words:     108,427     Chapters:     4

Freedom is just one adjustment after the next.

Cas hums again. "I think you already have. It's been months since everything settled. All that's left to do is...get used to it, and perhaps—" His voice stalls out, uncharacteristically, and his gaze roams Dean's face with intensity. When he speaks next, his tone is a little raw. "Perhaps what one does with peace is...whatever they want."

"What if I don't even know what that is?" Dean grumbles, arching an eyebrow in challenge. "'Cause I know damn well you don't just mean good food and a good bed and time in Baby, not simple wants like that. You mean—ya know, the big things, the wants we didn't get to have before."

"Yes," Cas agrees. "If you're not sure, figure it out."

"Easier said than done."

Reasons to read this:

Dean reads a story that ends like despair and his reaction is FUCK THAT

Cas wears Dean's hoodie

Jack is a toddler

The Jack and Claire sibling energy we deserve

Eileen being awesome and pulling pranks with Dean while Sam thinks she's an angel

Sam knows

YOUR HONOR THEY'RE IN LOVE

First Date  by  aeli_kindara Words: 8,968    Chapters: 1

“We should go on a date. You and me.”

Castiel wishes he could see Dean’s face. He wishes he had any idea what to say.

“I’m asking you out, Cas.”

Also known as the Dean Winchester makes the first move fic.

season 14

Broken Road  by  thegeminisage Words:     109,629     Chapters:     7

A 14.13 Lebanon rewrite. When Dean uses a wish-granting pearl to try and kill the archangel Michael before he can escape the cage in Dean's head, they instead wind up with a newly-resurrected John Winchester.

It's been more than a decade since John died, and a lot has changed: Mary is alive, Sam and Dean have what passes for a proper home in the Men of Letters Bunker, and they're living with angels. John doesn't know angels are real, he doesn't know about the fragile new relationship between Dean and Castiel, and most of all, he doesn't know that Dean said yes to Michael, or that Dean's plan to defeat Michael would send him to a fate worse than death.

Now Dean must contend with both his father asking questions he can't answer, and his loved ones learning about the darker truths of his childhood, all while constantly battling the archangel trapped inside him. But Dean coming to terms with his history may be the difference between this being the beginning of a journey—or the end.

post season 15

fools and pilgrims  by  lagaudiere Words: 31,904     Chapters: 2

Claire shows up at the bunker a day before Dean was planning to leave, with her hair cut short and a fresh tattoo on her left arm under a bandage. Chuck is dead, Jack has given up his godlike powers, and Cas is back from the Empty, which doesn't make it any easier for Dean to talk to him. Suddenly finding himself in a world without monsters, supernatural forces, or any need for hunters, Dean's solution is to go on a road trip. Claire tags along.

Dean-Claire mirror fic post Despair

what's missing is found (our souls can exhale now)  by  sobsicles Words: 27,403

It's not the first time Claire has ever gone missing. It is, however, the first time Kaia panics about it. Dean's dragged into the mess, but he soon finds that it's the best thing that could have happened to him.

canon(?) au  (Hunters and Men of Letters)

Dean Winchester's Secret (Angel) Boyfriend  by  reluctantabandon, Winter_of_our_Discontent Words: 11,191     Chapters: 1

Dean Winchester isn't exactly a team player. So when he starts mentioning a new Hunting partner, Ellen and Jo Harvelle aren't sure whether they should be worried or relieved.

But they're starting to get the feeling there's something important Dean's not telling them about Cas...

Shot Through The Heart  by  peanutbutterjelly-pie (Aleakim) Words: 11,191     Chapters: 1

Dean is a hunter.

Castiel is a Man of Letters.

And even though they have to work together on a regular basis, there is not much sympathy between them. Castiel thinks Dean too brash and reckless while Dean in return sees nothing more in the other man than a rude asshole with an obsessive love for books and a truly terrible fashion sense.

But fate clearly has a funny way of throwing those two together over and over again.

And somewhere along the way feelings change into something neither of them would have expected.

[shirtlesssammy]

10x07: Girls, Girls, Girls

A woman runs down an alley, clearly escaping someone --or something. She’s eventually found by the man pursuing her. She stabs him in the eye, but that doesn’t slow him down. He flashes black eyes and snaps her neck. 

Sam and Dean are enjoying a meal and no case on the horizon. Dean’s phone keeps blowing up with alerts, so Sam grabs it and sees Dean’s joined a dating app. Impala67, lol. Sam is having the TIME OF HIS LIFE, and thinks the woman that Dean is pursuing is a little too available. “Is it so hard to believe that an attractive, red-blooded, American female could be interested in someone like me?” 

Sam’s proven wrong when Shaylee shows up and Dean takes off with her on his arm. 

Castiel is still working with Hannah on finding rogue angels. She suddenly strips right in front of Cas. It makes our bumbling, awkward angel spontaneously combust with embarrassment and confusion. 

His little huff and awkward casualness about her nakedness is --hearts. Also, how he just hangs on to the laptop with one hand like it’s nothing is somehow very pleasing. 

Dean, meanwhile, is slightly bummed to find out that Shaylee is really a prostitute. 

And she’s not just any prostitute. She doesn’t want money--she wants his soul. You picked the wrong mark, girl! 

Hannah gets a visit from her vessel’s husband. 

Back at Dean’s motel room, the demon shows up for Dean’s soul, but he’s greeted by both Winchesters --and a devil’s trap. They learn there’s an entire brothel somewhere before Shaylee stabs the demon with an angel blade. The dude was carrying a card of where the brothel is located --so lucky them! 

At Raul’s Club, Raul and another dude are ---OMG ROWENA. Yep, she wanders in and they tell her that they’re not hiring and she’s too old (sigh). She tells him she would never do business with filth like him and throws a hex bomb at him. 

Raul dies a most horrific and perfect death. Rowena then invites the girls for a bit of food. 

Hannah talks with Joe about why Caroline disappeared. Joe wants answers. Hannah struggles with finding an adequate way of explaining Caroline’s absence. Castiel walks in the room then and things get even MORE awkward. Joe asks if they’re together --which Hannah doesn’t get right away, but realizes that’s the best way to explain things, and grabs Cas’s hand. 

Joe doesn’t believe it. “This guy?” Um, that guy is probably on A LOT of people’s cheat lists. Just sayin’, Joe. But Joe knows his wife, and knows deep down that it is false. Hannah kisses Cas to prove her point.

Sam and Dean find the chaos left in Rowena’s wake. 

Rowena brings her new charges to a fancy restaurant, and they are prompt asked to leave due to their sartorial choices. Rowena casts a spell to keep the wait staff in order. The girls ask her how she did it. “Magic.”

Gerald, the demon that wasn’t Raul, reports back to Crowley and spills that they opened the brothel. He wanted Crowley to know about what the powerful witch did.

Sam does his research on the demon killing spell. It turns out to have not been used in over 300 years and it’s only been used by the witch who created it, Rowena. (SMART LASS.)

Rowena explains witches to her new friends. She talks of being a natural witch, and how the Grand Coven kicked her out. She’s been on the run and in hiding. Now she’s ready to fight, and is looking for witches to train. The girls wonder when they can start their training. Rowena sees the waiter go up in red fire and they make a bee line out of the restaurant.

A demon wakes up in a trap and immediately starts hurling insults at an unseen captor. When the captor comes into view, we learn that it’s Ass Hat and he’s after Dean. I didn’t remember that Ass Hat was in this episode! I DEMAND A REFUND.

At a gas station, Hannah and Cas share an awkward conversation. Hannah is perturbed by the confrontation with her vessel’s husband. She’s feeling, more specifically, plagued with guilt. Cas consoles her and tells her that the “affair” gave him a reason to walk away. He then speaks of Jimmy Novak, and how he took him away from his family - twice. But “the mission comes first. Always.”

Dean investigates the waiter’s death and catches a lead: there were two sex workers in the restaurant who came in with another woman. Meanwhile, Sam researches mysterious deaths at fancy hotels. The brains were all boiled, just like the waiter’s. 

For Calming Scenery Science:

Cas trails Hannah to a quiet bridge. She apologizes to him but she won’t go with him to track down any more angels. Hannah is horrified to experience an echo of the sacrifice humans have made to become vessels that allow angels to walk the earth. “It’s time to put [humans] first,” she says. Working with Cas, she felt human things. “Passions. Hungers.” (Me: eyebrow waggle) When she was confronted by Caroline’s husband, she felt their pain. She kisses Cas on the cheek and says goodbye. 

Caroline wakes up in his arms. It’s time to go home. 

At a swanky hotel, there’s a knock on Rowena’s door. She rustles up her troops to cast her spellwork and opens the door for a hotel employee. Unfortunately, that employee is already MEGA dead. Two demons step inside. 

We cut to Rowena captured and her protégés destined for doom, when the Winchesters intercept them. They dispatch the two demons quickly and then circle in on Rowena. She lobs a spell at her blonde minion and drags away the other woman as the blonde shrieks. Her eyes bulge red and she launches herself at the Winchesters with superhuman force. 

Outside, the other woman confronts Rowena, who explains that she used an attack dog spell to create a decoy to stall the Winchesters.

The other woman is entirely uninterested in being Rowena’s gal pal after that, and punches her. Rowena’s about to hex the ever loving stuffing out of her, when Dean interrupts. He’s got a gun pointed at Rowena! Rowena smiles because behind Dean...is Dumbass, who has a gun pointed at DEAN. Dumbass compels Dean to free Rowena, who flees merrily. 

Dean apologizes to One Entire Butt, but he’s not having it. Dean explains that he was only a demon TEMPORARILY. One Entire Butt concludes that Dean is a monster through and through (demon or no demon) and they fight.

Sam hides out in the hotel room while the woman under the attack dog spell pounds frantically at the door. She pounds and pounds and pounds until...she just stops. Sam opens the door and she falls down, dead. 

Dean defeats Worm Guts and insists that they talk it out. He gives him the monster talk. It turns out that Dean remembers every detail of that kill and how Worm Gut’s father was out murdering people and eating livers. Dean retells that evening until Sam arrives. There’s another gun standoff with twitchy Worm Gut before Sam finally lowers his weapon. Worm Gut experiences emotions while trying to reconcile what he just heard with his memory of the past.  

Dean has one last revelation to drop. “I get it. That was your story. Look, man, I got one of those, too. Okay, but those stories that we tell to keep us going? Man, sometimes they blind us. ...The people who love me, they pulled me back from that edge. ...Now, the truth is I'm past saving. I know how my story ends. It's at the edge of a blade or the barrel of a gun.” DEAN WINCHESTER SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH.

Sam chimes in, urging Sack of Raw Eggs to go back home to his family. Dean gets his gun back though so, yay?

Caroline arrives home and knocks on the door. She reunites with her husband while Cas sits alone in his rain soaked car.

Cas opens up his laptop and looks up Jimmy Novak on the web - he’s still marked as missing after all these years. Cas bby.

Sam confronts Dean after Slime Mold takes off. Did he really mean all the sad things he said about himself? OF COURSE NOT, Dean tells him. He is FINE and has always had a healthy self image!

For Brooding Boys Science:

Cut to Crowley who’s being escorted by a minion to someone in a holding cell. The camera pans down to show ROWENA. She smiles at Crowley from her shackles and lobs barbs his way. The camera zooms in on an utterly gobsmacked Crowley.

“Mother?” he asks. And we fade to black.

QUOTER???!!!

Nice screen name, Dean. Impala67

Who knows what a soul is, really?

Hardly the most appetizing process in the world, but killing demons always makes me hungry

Screw the grand coven and their silly rules

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive! 

[just0nemorepage]

Uprooted || Naomi Novik || 435 pages --------------------------------------------- Top 3 Genres: Fantasy / Young Adult / Romance

Synopsis: Agnieszka loves her valley home, her quiet village, the forests and the bright shining river. But the corrupted wood stands on the border, full of malevolent power, and its shadow lies over her life.

Her people rely on the cold, ambitious wizard, known only as the Dragon, to keep the wood's powers at bay. But he demands a terrible price for his help: one young woman must be handed over to serve him for ten years, a fate almost as terrible as being lost to the wood.

The next choosing is fast approaching, and Agnieszka is afraid. She knows - everyone knows - that the Dragon will take Kasia: beautiful, graceful, brave Kasia - all the things Agnieszka isn't - and her dearest friend in the world. And there is no way to save her.

But no one can predict how or why the Dragon chooses a girl. And when he comes, it is not Kasia he will take with him.

Finished: August 19th, 2020.

Progress: 12 / 10. 120% COMPLETE.

My Rating: ★★★★★. [5/5]

My Review: [Under the read more - NOT SPOILER FREE]

Okay, I really want to write the review for this one but I honestly am having the hardest time figuring out how.

The beginning sort of got off to a rocky start – Sarkan was insufferable, and I was absolutely NOT there for the casual shrugging off of attempted rape.

But like… the attempted rapist was killed, and Sarkan went through some pretty deep character development, so, that’s a thing.

I also don’t know how I feel about Agnieszka and Sarkan being a thing together, what with the age difference (17 versus well over a century old). Those sexy-time scenes certainly rustled my jimmies (for like, days lmao) (and that was the first time I've EVER read a female orgasm described, and done with just a hand no less!!), and how protective he was over her really made me melt – but, man, still. The age difference just didn’t sit right. I think that’s probably the biggest complaint I had with the whole book.

Now, with that said and out of the way… ……. the REST of the book spoke to me. My god, it hit me right in my soul. Everything about the mood and setting and aesthetic for this book were just a friggen HOME RUN for me, particularly that last chapter where everything came together, oh my god.

I just – okay, I’m going to spit my thoughts out like normal.

Agnieszka basically saying “fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” when Sarkan tries to tell her to stay and fix the tower, and making a life and job of her own cleansing the Wood. How she clearly misses him, but doesn’t pine after him or even ask him to come back, and lives a full and complete life entirely on her own. How she came into her own by the end and is no longer awkward and self conscious, but confident and self-assured and respectful and oh my god her COTTAGE.

The witchy feel of the whole damn story. And not just any witchy feel – but green witchcraft, stuff centered around trees and nature and growing things. And she is BAREFOOT the whole time she works and does her magic.

How her inherent talent for folk magic and healing and natural clumsiness and gift for foraging all just fed naturally into her end role as the Wood’s caretaker.

The story of how the Wood got corrupted in the first place – boy I feel that. Female rage, man; this illustrated it so damn well. And how the one responsible for it all was given a respectful and dignified ending to her story, rather than a tragic one. (Which sort of also leads into the underlying plot point that seemed to tell male entitlement to go fuck itself for the entire story.)

THOSE WOOD PEOPLE. Oh man. I could read a whole book centered around them. AND KASIA. I ADORED KASIA, and EVERY DAMN THING about her. She fucking TACKLED A HORSE. And she’s training to become a knight??? FUCK YES. And her friendship with Agnieszka?? I nearly wept with joy at its depth and realism.

And I don’t know if this is actually more commonplace than I’ve seen, but this is the first time I’ve read a Polish-themed fantasy! I’m half Polish, and never really learned much about it – so this hit an innate feeling of home in an entirely different way, too. (AND, the author, as a first-generation American from Poland, looks kind of like me!)

I don’t even know what else there is; I feel like there’s definitely more that I loved, but I can’t remember specifics. I got out most of what I wanted to say. I know the plot and pacing felt good, the dialogue and characters all felt very real, and those descriptions... felt like artwork.

I just… if I ever wished I was a fictional character and living a fictional life, it’s Agnieszka’s. I don’t know how to get that across as strongly as it feels. But… it’s there.

I’m going to be recovering from this book hangover for a while LOL.

[squirreltastic]

Slams fist down the Diamonds from SU

I can’t really do white diamond yet but here we go!

Blue Diamond:

First impression: BOSS ASS BITCH (Ironically at the time I joked about asking her to abduct me and then the Human Zoo was revealed PFFF) Of course a frightening experience because of the fact she wanted Garnet crushed, but it showed she was in charge and it was a loosing fight. Hence the rest of The Answer happened. Powerful and ready to destroy.  

Impression now: She needs a hug, this reveal about Pink will offer her so much closure and the person someone is in grief is sometimes unrecognizable of who they are not grieving. She has sins to answer for, no doubt but this is the beginning of the rest of her life. 

Favorite moment: 

Idea for a story: I think it would be adorable if she spent time meeting the people of Beach city. I know people tend to hate on the ‘filler’ episodes but for some reason I think she’d like Sadie. Greg and her of course would get along, bless Greg and his stability. She should also learn that Blue Pearl is a person, and I feel like she would love pumpkin dog!

Unpopular opinion: I do which she was a darker blue color like in the visuals that we saw for The Answer. I do get that it was artistic retelling and not a 1 for 1 representation of events.  I just got really into those first fan interpretations and humanizations. (maybe not unpopular as people do tend to hate on a lot of the designs for SU) 

Favorite relationship: Greg and Blue are gonna be BFFs if nothing else. He knows how to work through grief and how to be there for someone and yes good. 

Favorite headcanon: I don’t really have any for her before this but I’d imagine her emotional powers can also work with happiness and other positive emotions. 

Yellow Diamond:

First impression: She really let us the viewer know first hand what homeworld thinks. Sure we had stories and the war but to know even today that this hierarchy of worth is STILL in place? That nothing has changed of it’s volition all this time? Horrifying. She also is a hard ruler, unlike Blue demanding someone crush Garnet, she would have done it herself. 

Impression now: She requires such strict control as a way of ignoring her own feelings. Like I’m p sure her future is going to be about cracking through that harshness. 

Favorite moment:

Idea for a story: She becomes the lesbian farmer that Rush Limbaugh warned you about 

Unpopular opinion: Im not too sure what the youths are thinking out there ????

Favorite relationship: Yellow and Blue is like her…only relationship with any depth? yey?

Favorite headcanon:

Her hair is a helmet okay like 

Yall fucked up if you wanted that you should have made her hair into the shape of yellows hair, here it just looks like a helmet. I just cannot with this. Maybe this falls under unpopular opinion but even since Jungle Moon my jimmies have been rustled. 

Okay I’m going to split Pink into two.

Pink Diamond:

First impression: I was mostly angry with the fandom. We saw her on a bad day and then they were painting her as a brat. But anyway. My first impression was one of a frustration she’s supposed to be equal to Yellow and yet she was talked down to. If she didn’t have the skills then they should be taught, she is also man handled which is always demeaning. Supposedly a gem comes out of the ground with all the knowledge they should have to perform their function? Then why was there this discrepancy with Pink? Why is she so little? Is she a malformation? How does that play into a sapient beings esteem? She would have been raised to believe she had to be perfect and yet she was never given the tools to improve herself. She probably was both mocked for her imperfection and demanded she get better??? magically????  tl:dr She’s frustrated and belittled of course she’d lash out. 

Impression now: Complicated. She fundamentally, even as Rose, didn’t understand organic life and it’s complexities but fuck, at least she tried. Without her and the war Earth would be dead. She fucked up but as Pink, she tried. Tried and failed.  

Favorite moment:

I find this so cute, she gave zero fucks for the stairs. IMMA YEET MYSELF. 

Idea for a story: Human AU were Pink (Rose can be her twin sister btw) was afraid of being a Mom so she leaves Steven with Greg, then she comes back years later to learn who her son has become and debates if she should insert herself into his life after the way she left. 

Unpopular opinion: I like her design. With the way they made her so different than the other Diamonds it makes sense that her mural would look like that and since they probably didn’t want her known as the ‘wrong’ diamond they wouldn’t use too much of her actual visage. It was a great lesson for the fandom in learning to chill the fuck out with jumping to conclusions based on limited information.  

Favorite relationship: Pinks relationship with Rose. Okay so that sounds weird but I love that Pink’s liberation and idea of freedom is Rose, Rose is everything she wanted to be and I just think that’s neat. 

Favorite headcanon: She’s Polyamorous but sucks balls at communication 

Rose Quartz:

First impression: IM LOVE HER???? She’s this big, soft, feminine warrior that believed in the beauty of life in all it’s weird and varied ways, from the tiniest thing like a pretty bug to the largest of animals and trees. 

Impression now: She was a flawed alien rock, she genuinely did find life beautiful and fascinating but lacked the sense to know that she couldn’t treat Greg like she did, Greg helped her learn what humanity really means and how it works and the depth that she had for whatever reason, never learned until then. Perhaps her previous human lovers were okay with the casual nature of their relationship or like, she was just the party girl that would party hardy and leave while everyone is passed out or something. She would observe and casually join in but not really understand. Greg showed her humanity, taught her a equal relationship has standards. She is both everything I thought and so much more.

Isn’t it remarkable, Steven? This world is full of so many possibilities. Each living thing has an entirely unique experience. The sights they see, the sounds they hear. The lives they live are so complicated… and so simple. I can’t wait for you to join them.

When a Gem is made, it’s for a reason. They burst out of the ground already knowing what they’re supposed to be, and then… that’s what they are. Forever. But you, you’re supposed to change. You’re never the same even moment to moment – you’re allowed and expected to invent who you are. What an incredible power – the ability to “grow up.”

Now, now, that’s not true at all. Sure, all these places have been explored before, but they haven’t been recorded so intimately as they have been in this journal. It makes them new and special all over again for any reader to experience.

 Because you’re going to become something extraordinary. You’re going to be a human being. That’s my favorite part. A human being. A human is an action. I wonder who, how you’ll be, what you’ll think, what you’ll want. Oh, I’m so happy for everyone who’s going to know you. I’m rambling. If they look to you, trust yourself. Take care of them, Nora.

These are the words of someone in awe of the beauty of life and understands the value of individual experiences. I admire that, she loved life, and wanted to fight for that even if she didn’t always understand it.

Favorite moment: 

Oh man I have a few???

ROSE SMASH

Even tho it wasn’t really Rose I love the Charlie Brown moment in Storm in the Room

Her using her shield to save Garnet and Pearl 

Her getting knocked over in the kindergarden and saying welcome to earth to the Amethyst, and saying “hello my fellow quartz’s” 

Idea for a story:  A comedic story of Rose being shape shifted cat and getting into shenanigans around beach city, maybe its a cute bonding time with amethyst or something. Or maybe Gregs van breaks down and she doesn’t understand what Greg is talking about exactly and she thinks the vehicle is alive (Greg says stuff like ‘Oh no my van! she’s broke!’) 

Unpopular opinion: This kinda goes under headcanon but I don’t think she and Greg had sex (I think they as a species find it weird because they dont have sexual attraction because they are non-sexually reproducing species). I think she took his dna through a kiss and synthesized a baby in her womb

Favorite relationship: I think Rose and Amethyst had the cutest relationship

Favorite headcanon: She would be a meme lord she would find the easily shared humor amazing

[poutypanic]

Finding Purpose Chapter 10

Fic Rating: Mature 

AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10529928/chapters/25177836

Chapter Summary: A lot of stuff gets resolved, and then there's some bonding time. I promise the whole chapter is not angst-ridden just bear with me, there's a lot of fluff too. (> ^_^ )>.

Fic Summary: You've been living alone in Hanamura for the past five years, and are content to stay that way. You have a troubled past and have let it isolate you. One night a ruckus is coming from the Shimada Castle. Against your better judgment you check it out, eventually, you end up befriending an archer with a past as equally troubling as yours.This is a romance/fluff and slow burn, coupled with action and angst.

Breathe. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Repeat. In through the nose, and out through the mouth. In through the nose, out the mouth.

You’ve tried to find the most secluded part of the facility to try and not have a mental break down in. It’s not going that well for you. It’s been a long time since you’ve felt this level of stress and worry. Along with a different kind of emotional hurt that you’ve never felt before. A deep and heavy sob is threatening to rip itself from your chest, and you're fighting it with every bit of willpower you’ve got left. You shouldn't fight it; you'll feel better after letting it out, but you're stubborn.

Alas, your emotions are out of your control, and you start to sob despite having tried so hard to keep it from happening. With your thighs pulled up against your chest, you bury your face into your knees and just let it happen.

“Hey friend, you mind if I join ya?”

Apparently, this spot isn’t secluded enough. Either that or he was trying to find you. Your eyes snap open. Jesse is standing a safe distance away from you, actually waiting for your permission, and won’t sit until you say it’s okay.

“Leave me alone, Jesse.”

Jesse huffs, “I think I can handle whatever it is that’s got your jimmies so rustled.”

You scowl at him, “My jimmies? Are you serious?”

“Yeah! I’m bein serious.” He pauses so he can pull a handkerchief from his pocket and steps close enough so he can hand it to you, “Ya’know he’s in the best hands possible.”

You stare at the handkerchief like it’s a venomous snake, coiled, and ready to lurch at you.

“I know that.”

Jesse frowns, “Would’ya take the fuckin thing? Your face is a mess.”

You take it from him and look away while you clean up your face.

“You should give talkin to me a chance; I might not disappoint ya.”

Fine. You point to the floor next to you, your way of giving him permission to sit.

“Did Hanzo let you know he got hurt? Or were you there when he got shot?”

Jesse furrows his eyebrows, “That’s gonna be a double negative.” He sits down and starts to connect the dots, “He didn’t let us know, did he?”

“Why would he do that? Why would he not tell you or me, the moment he got shot, or that he was hurt?”

“Ah, I see, that is strange isn't it.”

“Strange is an understatement.”

“I reckon, and this is just some speculation on my part, that maybe, it’s cause he’s still fightin with his demons.”

All you can do is hum nervously and shake your head. You really don’t understand. Or maybe you do. It's just hard to get past the denial, and you need more convincing.

Jesse is trying to be especially careful with his words, “No matter how much’cha love somebody, unfortunately, friend, ya can’t love their demons away. Trust me, I know from experience.”

“Hmm.” You get what he’s saying now. He’s right, even if you wish that wasn’t true. If only things could be that easy. You’re not sure what to do with the information, and Jesse can sense that.

He continues in an even more careful tone now, “I just think he could use a little bit’a help. Some uh, guidance, ya know? From somebody who knows what they’re doin.”

You agree. Now you just have to figure out how to put your own words together. How to talk to Hanzo about this without coming off angry and judgmental. That’s enough talking about this with anybody other than Hanzo; you don’t want to talk about Hanzo behind his back any more than you already have. So you would like to change the subject.

You tell Jesse thank you for the wisdom and then change the subject to Ana, “She still pissed at us? If I’m being really honest, I don't think I remember even half of what she was going off about.”

Jesse shrugs, “She’ll forgive us. I understand where she’s comin from. We coulda let her know we were leavin. She wouldna stopped us, wouldna told us no. We’re suppose’ta be a team around here, and leavin under a vale’a silence was very unteam like of us.”

“Huh, yeah. We sure didn’t stop to think about that did we?”

Jesse chuckles, “We sure as hell didn’t. You would’a thought at least one of us would’a stopped and thought, hmm, maybe we should at least leave’a note er somethin.”

Dr. Zeigler walks around the corner and finds both of the people she wanted to talk to, “Ah, Jesse. We’re moving Genji into a different location, and I could actually use some of your help with him.”

Then she turns her attention to you, “You can visit with Hanzo. He’s stable and awake. I’d like him to stay in the infirmary for a night or two. He needs to rest, though, so no funny business.”

What a ridiculous thing to demand of you at this current moment. Though if there’s one thing you’ve learned about Angela, it’s that she’s not good at picking up on vibes. So you don’t hold it against her. You quietly thank her and wait for them to disappear.

You sit there for couple more moments just trying to get some of the fog to clear from your brain. Even after you are able to get yourself up and moving, it’s still not enough to get yourself to walk through the infirmary door. You stand just outside it, giving yourself a stern talking to.

You have to handle this well. This is a test, and a big one that you can not fail. It’s going to be hard. Your feelings are hurt, and you've got a lot of emotional comfort invested in this asshole.

Breathe in through the nose, and out through the mouth.

You walk through the door. There he is, in a hospital bed, wrapped in up in medical dressings around his torso, and an IV dripping blood into his veins. He looks tired, the normal glowing sheen that usually accompanies his skin is not there right now. You take a seat on the edge of the bed.

Hanzo won’t look at you. He seems ashamed, is ashamed. With a clear mind, that’s not flooded with bad stress, he realizes that he was being irrational and acting on intrusive thoughts. He can only hope that you’ll forgive him. What a terribly impulsive, self-destructive decision. But the truth is he’d been making those same kind of self-destructive decisions for nearly a decade. Even the most harmless of bad habits are hard to break. So it's going to be a little hard to break the bad coping mechanism he's had for years now, and he’s lucky it hasn't killed him yet.

“I’m not going to ask you why you didn't say anything, why you were just letting yourself bleed out. Jesse could have been helping you long before me and Genji got back. I’m not stupid, and I think I already know why.”

From the moment he had heard that Genji was hurt, it had started to feel like a downward spiral. Your description of him over the comm hadn’t nearly given justice to just how bad he looked. Seeing Zenyatta in the same kind of shape, the omnic that helped his brother comes to terms with what he had done to him, with his new body, and a new way of living. All those moments when he couldn’t get you to talk to him. When that dragon’s roar was all he could focus on, and somehow he knew something terrible was threatening to happen. He knows it's not his fault, yet it still felt that way, and still kind of does.

Hanzo says quietly, “I should have known sooner.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I should have known that my brother was in trouble sooner. Maybe then, things would not have gone so poorly.”

“There you go with the what if’s again. Besides, how the hell were you supposed to know sooner?”

“If our connection was not so broken. The dragons could have communicated.”

“So, what? Is bleeding out supposed to be your fucking penance for that!” You throw up your hands. Breath in through the mouth, out through the nose. Wait, no, that's not right.  “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to yell at you.”

You’ve got too much nervous energy to sit. So you hop up off the bed, and Hanzo nearly tries to get up after you. He wishes he could just promise that this will not happen again. But he already knows you wouldn’t believe him, nor does he really believe himself when he thinks that. So he refrains from blatantly lying to you.

“Do not go. I am sorry, this is just… who I am.”

Now you look at him, “I’m not leaving, and that’s bull shit. Just because you can’t help those thoughts doesn't mean it's who you are. They don’t define you as a person. There’s more to you than just that, so stop it.”

The last part of that sentence was childish, sounded childish, and you don't care.

“Do you truly believe that.”

“Yes. I do.”

If only your commands could wield enough power to make such things go away. Hanzo understands what you're saying but couldn't possibly begin to figure out how to make this better, “What I am I to do about it.”

“Get some help. From someone who can give you the guidance you need to combat those impulses when they arise.”

That sounds nearly impossible, “I do not know if anyone could.”

You get close to him your face inches from his, “I think you mean, you don’t know if you’d be willing to try. Hanzo, I will not allow you to let me love you this much if you plan on dying out in the field. You have to try."

Hanzo looks pained and is struggling to find words, “How do you expect me to let a stranger help with this?”

You don’t know how to answer that question so you continue to try and beg, “If you get help, I’ll get help. I’d be full of shit if I said I couldn’t use it.”

Hanzo looks away from you, still refusing to even say he’ll try. This is critical. As you're not sure if you can do this, any of this, if he refuses to get the guidance he needs. You wouldn't be able to focus on missions, keep an alert and clear head, if you're constantly worried that Hanzo might get hurt, and not report it again. Then your mind starts to spiral. You couldn’t leave, can’t give up on him, even if he refused. What kind of person would that make you? And who would look after him? Besides all of those points, you love him, you'd miss him, and it kills you to even think about walking away from something with so much promise...

“Alright, I will try asking for help. Even if it feels… ignominious.”

Your eyes roll. You’d argue against that last statement, but you’re just relieved that he’s up for the prospect of even trying. Even if he thinks it’s something as ridiculous as, embarrassing. Then you correct yourself. No, it’s not ridiculous, not coming from a person with his background.

Hanzo reaches out and wipes tears away from your cheeks. Tears you weren’t even aware had escaped, “I am sorry for causing you so much distress. Please do not give up on me.”

A wave of guilt floods your body, before a flood of relief replaces it. Could he sense your desperation? He must have. Then again, how could he not have? Right now it’s just words, just a promise, but it’ll have to do. And you’ll have to have faith in him.

“I think I’m in far too deep to ever be able to do that.”

He smiles meekly, “Would it make you feel better to know I feel the same?”

You plop down onto the bed and playfully say, “Maybe.”

He takes a hold of your hand and kisses your knuckles, your palm, and your wrist. He holds your hand against his face and whispers, “I love you.”

No more crying goddamnit, “I love you too.”

A deep and almost musical voice comes from the back of the room, “I am most delighted to hear such calm resolutions!”

Despite the voice sounding pleasant and non-threatening, you and Hanzo both nearly jump out of your skin. You look behind you, searching the room for the source of the voice.

“Hello?”

“Greetings! If you would be so kind, I was wondering, if perhaps you could tell me if my student is doing well?”

You gently pull back the curtain that surrounds a bed at the back of the room. On this bed lies Zenyatta, who is attached to many wires and still not looking quite whole yet.

“I think you’re talking about Genji? He’s fine; he’s just getting fixed up right now.”

“Ah, I see. Thank you.”

You introduce yourself. Normally you wouldn’t introduce Hanzo for him, but right now it seems appropriate. When you do so, Zenyatta already knows who he is. Of course, he does.

“Hanzo! Yes, I know you. It is a pleasure to finally meet you.”

“Same to you.”

“I apologize for not having interjected earlier than I did, but I felt it was best for the two of you to come to your own conclusions before I interjected.”  

The thought, ‘Shouldn't you be mad this guy was eavesdropping?’ crosses your mind. But the thing is your not, it’s as if the omnic was meant to hear the conversation, “What do you mean?”

“I would be happy and privileged to help the both of you in your journey to mental enlightenment. I do believe I am more than qualified to do so. I am not trying to come off as arrogant, just confident. I strongly believe I can help you reach better mental clarity.” He raises one of his arms in an excited manner, “My student can vouch for my qualifications! Please, ask him.”

Whatever it is about Zenyatta that gives off an aura of calm and kindness makes you believe him, and you don't really feel the need to check with Genji. Hanzo has heard plenty about the omnic from his brother and is actually shocked he didn't think to make the suggestion himself. It’s understandable that such a thing would slip his mind while he’s hurt and also trying to fight the idea itself altogether. This is as ideal as this could get. Hanzo has heard so much about Zenyatta, that he doesn't feel like a complete stranger to him. The idea still doesn't sit comfortably yet. But yes, if Zenyatta is willing to try and help him, then he can certainly try and let him.

~

It's been nearly a week since Zenyatta has been back up and running. He's taken the time to stop and catch up with each and every one of his friends. He is delighted to see his best friend and student Genji back to his optimal shape. And he's feeling even more delighted and privileged to have both his brother and him sitting on either side of him meditating before they get into a session of much-needed guidance and enlightenment.

As Hanzo is only human, he hasn't fully recovered, but he can tell that he is doing well. Zenyatta has always been able to see what people call auras, though, to him, it's more of a sense than a thing he actually sees. Hanzo is not nearly as helpless as he thinks he is, and Zenyatta is even more confident still that these sessions will do wonders for him. Hanzo is already good with discipline. He just needs fine tuning and more mental convergence. Zenyatta has never met a hopeless cause, and Hanzo is far, far from that.

Zenyatta is deep into his meditation. Most days he finds it easy to slip into a place of tranquility. Though today, he is about to be tested.

Genji grumbles, "You know brother you don't need to not wear a shirt all the time.”

He is shocked that Genji isn’t more focused. Zenyatta knows he’s more than capable. Perhaps he is more nervous than he is letting on.

Hanzo grumbles back, ”Says the person who never wears anything at all.”

“I think that’s hardly the same thing.”

Hanzo sighs, ”If you must know, the cloth feels heavy on my wound. It catches on the dressings, and it is uncomfortable."

"Uh huh. Just because I haven't been around here, doesn't mean there aren’t people I can't ask to see if you wear a shirt on a regular basis."

Hanzo opens his eyes and slaps his knees, "Why does this matter?"

Genji says with a purposeful overdramatic  inflection, “Cause I do not appreciate you lying to me brother."

As with most situations of conflict, Zenyatta is patiently waiting to see if this will resolve itself. Though he will soon realize that even with two adult men, who on a regular basis are more than capable of being mature, will regress to childlike unresolvable quarrels when in the presence of a sibling. He listens as Genji threatens to go to you for information.

"Do not bring her into this nonsense!"

"Oh, I wonder why! Huh? Cause she knows the truth! Your no-shirt-judging truth!"

Zenyatta sighs as they continue to bicker with each other, "My students! Please. Just, chill out."

"I am not the one being immature,” Hanzo says as he stares Genji down.

"I'm going to find out your truth brother."

“Dramatic. There is nothing to find out.“

Zenyatta hums, “Perhaps this is a quarrel that can be resolved at a later time?”

Genji laughs, “I am just messing with him Master, but now I’m intrigued. What is the truth?”

“I wear clothes. You truly think I walk around here trying to look like a tool?”

A sly grin spreads across Genji’s face, “You are making this far too easy for me.”

Hanzo points to Zenyatta, “Your Master is wearing pants, and yet you are not. Please explain that to me.”  

They continue to bicker about the proper etiquette surrounding wearing, and not wearing, certain items of clothing or none at all. Zenyatta is about to break out his conflict resolution skills, when something occurs to him. They are actually having fun. Amusing themselves by arguing over something trivial. In turn, it’s making them more at ease than the actual meditation is.

So he puts his hands into his lap, lets his orbs float mindlessly around him while he observes the display of sibling banter, and tries to gather a better understanding for future sessions. Not to mention, he is rather entertained.

~

Hanzo sits in his room, practicing some of the tranquility exercises Zenyatta had asked him to get more acquainted with. He had asked, with a little bit of shame, if music would be appropriate during these exercises. Zenyatta had informed him that whatever he needs to do to achieve deeper states would be appropriate. Music can be therapeutic and calming. Music taps into human emotions and can improve focus and impulse control. So Zenyatta highly recommends that he use it.

He’s got his earbuds in, sitting cross-legged in a computer chair.  It’s nothing especially comfortable, but Hanzo finds it to be perfect for his task at hand. He's not sure how much time passes, before he opens his eyes and starts to roll his shoulders. He almost falls out of his seat, because you're sitting on the bed in front of him, in the same stance, and he has no idea when you got here. You look endearing and casual. Wearing no pants, navy blue underwear, and a simple t-shirt. He removes the earbuds and gently places them on the desk.

You open one eye to look at him briefly before closing it again, "This is really difficult, I just keep thinking about food. I'm not even hungry."

"That is not so bad. A harmless thing to think about. Truthfully I thought about food a lot, but I am hungry.”

“Of course you’re hungry.” Your eyes remain closed, “Are things going well?”

While you’re not explicit about what you’re asking about, he knows. “Yes, and much better than I had anticipated.”

“Does it feel like something you can stick with?“

“Absolutely. Zenyatta has a better way with words and meditation than anyone I have ever met. Nearly every piece of guidance he gives is… clarifying.”

He hadn’t realized it before, but you were holding your breath. When you start to breathe again, it becomes extremely obvious. Like you had been preparing yourself for an answer that you wouldn’t like. That hurts, but he doesn't blame you. It’s understandable, and the feeling passes quickly when you smile and finally open your eyes.

“You have no idea how great it is to hear that.”

“I have some idea.”

He frowns as your eyes linger on the bandages that are still wrapped around his torso.

Hanzo thinks you’re staring because you’re tired of seeing him wrapped up like this, “Hopefully, I won’t need to wear these for much longer.”

He’s wrong, “Is it messed up that I think you look kinda hot with all bandaged up like that? I mean, I don’t think it’s sexy that you're hurt. It just...looks good for some reason.”

He laughs, “The only thing ‘messed up’ about what you just said is the word ‘kinda’.”

You absolutely love the answer he gave you. It causes your eyes to light up with lust. You slowly get up from the bed and walk towards him.

"Well, if I'm being truthful, food wasn't the only thing I was thinking about."

"Hmm, also a nice thing to let your mind wonder to.”

Hanzo can feel his heart quicken as you drop down to your knees in front of him. You gingerly take a hold of his ankles and remove him from his position. Now you're between his legs, leisurely pulling his pants down enough for you to get at what you want.

He’d lean back, close his eyes, and relax. But Hanzo enjoys watching as your head bobs up and down far too much. With the added pleasure of seeing you with your hand down in your underwear. You’re humming and moaning, and every sound coming from your mouth is sending a pang from his head all the way down into the space you're making feel warm and wet.

The way you look up at him through your eyelashes as you continue to lovingly get him off is making him feel weak. Your mouth is soft and delicately textured. You’re enthusiastic but gentle. You take all of him in and your back arches slightly as your body tries to reject it. But you quickly are able to relax and resume massaging circles within your underwear.

You’re making him feel so good that it is causing him shake a little. He weaves an unsteady hand into your hair and gently grasps hard enough to get a small whine out of you. It makes you even more enthusiastic, and he can feel the pressure within his body getting ready to release itself.

“Ah,” he whispers your name. “You feel good, you're so…ah… ah..”

With him still in your mouth, you smile, and he's had enough. He tries his best to keep his hips from bucking into your face, but a few small ones escape him. You don’t mind though as you were ready for them.

When you release him from your mouth, you sit back and continue to try and finish yourself off, all while lovingly looking up at him from the floor.

There's no way he'd leave you to take care of yourself. No matter how lovely the sight of it may be. So he gets down onto the floor with you, takes you by the waist, and lays you back. He lays down next to you and uses one of his legs to keep yours spread apart. Hanzo takes both of your hands and places them onto his face.

As his hand replaces your removed one, you pull him forward and kiss him passionately. He returns every bitten lip, every flick of your tongue laced with fire. You roll your hips up into his hand. Your hands on his face turn into arms tightly wrapped around his neck. You pry yourself from his mouth so you can throw your head back as you come.

“Ah! Ah! Hanzo! Oh, Baby…” You groan, “Fuck…”

He chuckles against your cheek, because your poor neighbor, Lena, is bound to hear that. He doesn’t care about being embarrassed and doesn't try to quiet you. He kisses your neck and runs his hand along your chest, groping lightly, until your breathing has slowed down to a normal rhythm.

He whispers into your ear, “Dinner?”

All you can seem to be able to do is hum, and he takes that as a yes.

~

The next day, there's a spontaneous party that’s broken out in the mess hall. Every single agent is there. There's plenty of booze, music, and loud banter. You had gotten here long before Hanzo had, since he had a particularly long session with Zenyatta today. So you're already fairly under the influence and having a grand time.

When he gets there, he leans against a wall with a drink that was shoved into his hand by Jesse. He's not planning on having much. It wouldn't be good for him right now. He's just observing, as you haven't noticed him arrive yet. You look to be having an animated… what is that? An argument? A conversation? With Hana. He can never tell with the two of you.

You look towards the doorway looking for someone, and apparently, that was him. Because you open mouth grin, wave at him, and run over. You slow down as you approach him so you can give him a careful hug. He gives you a kiss on the forehead as you nuzzle into the crook of his arm.

He has you like this for a while. But you're full of energy,  and he knows he'll have to release you soon. You dance, well, more like wiggle, against his side to the beat of the music. Then Hana chooses a song that makes you very excited.

"Hana! Holy shit this song is OLD!"

Hana is already clapping her hands together, and dancing, "It's still fun! Come here lady, dance with me!"

Hanzo doesn't know what song this is. He’s never heard it before, but apparently, several other agents also know the song and start to sing along as the lyrics start up. It is a very whimsical, uptempo song with lots of keyboard, and it certainly does sound old. But as Hana had exclaimed, it is fun, and the lyrics are easy enough to catch onto. You're practically bouncing now, so Hanzo gives you a small push of encouragement, and off into a little dance huddle you go.

Hanzo can't think about a damn thing while you’re enthusiastically swinging your hips, shaking your shoulders, and singing along with the rest of the group. You've got the biggest smile, and you're having so much fun. It's the cutest sight, and he's happy to just be able to witness it. These are the kinds of moments he likes to live for these days.

But then he happens to see his brother sneaking away from the party. Hanzo scans the crowd for Jesse and finds him seated with Lena and Reinhardt, who's got the pup seated in his lap, and if that's not one of the most ridiculous things he's ever seen. Hanzo is curious as to why Genji would be fleeing a scene that seems to be made for him. So he follows.

When Hanzo finds him he's sitting outside in the grass of the track and field meditating. He takes a seat next to him and starts to meditate with him.

He quietly questions, ”Not a fan of the party brother?"

"No, not today, I'm afraid."

Interesting, ”May I ask why?"

Genji takes a minute to respond, "Only if you're prepared for the answer to possibly make you feel bad."

"I am prepared."

“Parties… they are a shared experience. Where everyone is under the influence, acting like idiots. Especially that one. I can't get drunk, so sometimes I get a little envious of the pleasure I can't partake in. Today is one of those days; it will pass."

Hanzo chuckles.

Genji side-eyes him, "What?"

"Since when do you need alcohol in order to act like an idiot?"  

Genji can't help but laugh, "Thanks, brother."

"Would it make you feel better if I did not drink?"

"You don't have to do that."

"Actually I do, doctors orders.” He starts to get back on his feet,  “Come, we will both be sober idiots amongst all of the drunk ones."

Genji laughs, "Are you calling yourself an idiot?"

Hanzo shrugs, "Do you mean to tell me you disagree?"

They look at each other, and for a moment, it feels as if it's a decade in the past before the tensions in the clan had risen to breaking levels. For the first time, it feels like this is going to work. They can maintain this.

Genji’s sight briefly grazes over the bandages that still are wrapped around Hanzo. They are starting to become less and less with each day but it’s still a reminder, “No. You are the biggest idiot I know."

Hanzo claps his hands, "Then it is settled; let’s go.”

Genji looks back at Hanzo as he starts to walk off, “Why do you, of all people, want to go back to the party so bad?”

Hanzo shrugs. He wants to go back because he knows he’s missing out on some great shenanigans. He’d like Genji to come with him so they can both perhaps experience some fun memories together. He feels that’d be something worth sharing.

Genji grins, “Is it cause your girlfriends being cute?”

“Perhaps. I would imagine by now Jesse has to be doing something ridiculous.”

Genji hops up, “We are missing out, aren’t we?”

They walk back into the mess hall together, while making bets on who they think will be the first person to get up on a table to dance. Genji thinks it will be either you, Lucio or Hana. Hanzo knows better and does not bet on you. You won’t be doing that unless someone is already up there and invites you to join them. So he places his bets on Lucio, and Genji settles on Hana. They’re both wrong. It’s Satya who’s the first to get up on a table. But it’s not long before Lucio and Hana join her. Then not much longer 'til they drag you up there with them.

As the party starts to settle down, several agents move into the common room. Here is where Hana convinces many people to play video games with her, including Hanzo and Genji. You’re far too tired and far too gone to even try. Hanzo’s got several pillows supporting his back against the couch on the floor, and you’re settled in between his legs with your head resting against one of his shoulders.

Hana’s chosen a racing game, that everyone can easily learn how to play. Surprisingly, Hanzo is pretty good at it, and surpassing Genji every time. The master, however, is Hana, who nearly always ends up in first place.

“Hey, brother aren’t you supposed to be cooler than me? Why are you losing so badly?”

You chuckle, “Yeah, Genji, why do’ya suck?”

Jesse, who’s not playing but giving words of encouragement, sitting on the couch with Genji, leans forward, so he can see you, “Woman, your eyes aren’t even open.”

“I don’ need to see to know.”

Genji retorts, “The both of you can shit talk all you want, but I’m catching up!”

As the night grows older, some agents retire to their rooms. While others simply fall asleep for the night in the common room. You’ve fallen asleep, but you had scooted down to use his thigh as a pillow and are now covered by a blanket that Lucio threw over you before he and Hana left. Jesse’s taking up most of the couch, passed out, using Genji’s lap as a pillow, hat over his face, and snoring not so softly.

It’s very late, and Hanzo is starting to feel delirious. So he gently gets situated on the floor with you, while Genji is harping on him about being tired.

“You’re getting old.”

“It’s three in the morning.”

“Funny that you’re tired now that I’ve started winning.”

Hanzo huffs, “You’ve only started winning, because I am tired.”

Genji may be poking fun, but he’s still doing the same thing Hanzo is doing. Getting settled in for what's left of the rest of the night.

“I'm sure you believe that.”

This could go on for another hour, “Good. Night. Genji.”

“Yeah, yeah. Good night, brother.”

[somniiari]

Days is my favorite Kingdom Hearts game but I haven’t played it in a while and I don’t think I ever watched the movie version all the way through! So I watched it and liveblogged it.

I basically have the Saix’s monologue in the beginning memorized

Axel has said “got it memorized” at least 6 times within the first 10 minutes of this movie

Hayner, Pence and Olette run past these literal cult members without even looking

7! 7 times Axel please!!

Quinton Flynn’s delivery seems pretty weird and flat now, which is weird cause I know he can do really well. maybe it was intentional, cause Axel hasn’t started developing a heart yet?

I forgot that my pronunciation of Xion is technically wrong

Footsteps in The Castle That Never Was sound so strange. like they’re walking on metal suction cups.

Axel: Wait did you want me dead? Saix: ... *walks away*

Ah yes Xion’s creepy hood thing that I thought was a glitch until later in the game

What was Organization XIII doing in the 10 years before a Keyblade weilder was available to them?? I’m sure they had plenty of scheming and experiments and mischief but 10 years worth?

THEY LEFT OUT THE BEST PART

THEY DIDNT ANIMATE IT

“ROXAS THAT’S A STICK” I NEEDED IT

“As long as we keep each other in our thoughts, we’ll never be apart!” yall forget each other

8 times

Axel is so bitter about/to Saix oh my god tone down your salt man

The Chamber of Repose and the Chamber of Waking. I don’t remember which is which but one houses Aqua’s armor and the other is Ven’s body, right? So one’s in TCTNW and the other is in Castle Oblivion.

It just clarified, Chamber of Waking is Ven, and in Oblivion

Can Saix and Axel’s objectives  really be a secret from Xemnas? Saix is norted after all, and even though he has most of a free will at the moment, he’s still possessed.

IT STARTED PLAYING THE OLYMPIUS COLISEUM MUSIC AND I HAD BAD FLASHBACKS

“[the memories of my past] have never done me any good” because they instilled loyalty to a norted jerk?

“i can deal with 7 days maybe” well just break my heart roxas why dontcha

Axel spends his rare days off sleeping #relatable 

9 times

“try not to bungle everything-” WHAT KIND OF WORD IS BUNGLE

ARE YOU GONNA ASK THEM NOT TO RUSTLE ANYONE’S JIMMIES TOO AXEL?

“you’ve changed” i can vividly remember Axel saying “i’m not the one who changed, you did” in response to that, but its not in the movie. maybe it was actually a journal entry?

“why are you dressed like one of us?” Xion, honey, your uniform is the most well known form of protection against dark corruption of the heart

Of course Organization XIII has no way of knowing that, bc they were deliberately lied to

This is the scene that made me hate Riku. Watching it again after i’ve fallen in love with him is quite the trip

“You’re the real sham!” “Fair enough” Riku bby no your self-hatred is showing

*Xion screams* BBY NO

“’Special?’ Isn’t that another way of saying I’m a mistake?” XION BBY NO but also #same

“According to Axel, girls are complicated and there are buttons to avoid pressing” ah yes, i forgot this part. don’t worry Roxas, she’s just upset because she’s a girl and girls are weird, she’s not having an existential crisis or anything! 

“Roxas ate alone after missions.” where’s Axel though??

the love conversation may have been a great thing to animate but that’s fine square, just tell us about it

And so Axel’s lies begin. He was just trying to give Roxas hope, I can’t wait to remember how this all got twisted and horrible.

Did we fight the Zipslasher in this time skip? I think we did. I hated the Zipslasher gdi

Axel bridal carrying Xion is what got me started shipping AkuXi. Don’t ship it anymore though, really. Maybe in AUs when they’re closer to the same age

Saix: “Did it break again?” Me: XION’S NOT AN IT

Roxas: “Xion’s not an it!” oh yeah thanks Rox

“does the past mean nothing to you” Saix you’re the one being an ass

10 times

omg please tell me he does it 13 or 14 times

Almost all the books in the Organization library look the same; plain white binding. y’know, cause aesthetic.

Flying in Neverland would have been a nice animation too but whatever

This is why you dont hang out in high places kids!

the scene with Axel and Xion in Castle Oblivion is one of my favorites

Story time: Axel’s explanation of the sunset helped me pass an earth science quiz, cause i was out sick when we learned about light but i was playing days while in bed

THE MINDSCREW DREAM

i still have no idea what it means!! or even who was having it!

Neither Xion nor Roxas knew Zexion that well, and that seemed like Riku’s memories, not Sora’s! so WHY

aw i was too angry as a child to realize that Riku was looking for a way to save them

what has Saix done that make you think he has any mercy Roxas

Xion, Axel probably wasn’t gonna fight you if you hadnt attacked him, the first chakram was a warning not to stab Roxas

“i’ll bring her somewhere safe” thats all you had to say Axel

So Xemnas did call him Sora. Way back when I thought he may have said Ventus.

now you screwed up Axel

DiZ is the worst

"i know you’re not just a puppet.” ;~;

11 times

“I saw a boy today who looked just like Roxas” i thought she meant Sora but Xigbar was spying so was it Ven? I mean it should be Sora but....

Also, Xigbar spying!

“nor become the person we see” not everyone sees Xion as anything though, not even at this point. What do you see, Xemnas?

just kidding i’m pretty sure its Ven

why wouldnt you want two Sora capable people?

like tbh if you spent your time balancing Xion and Roxas’s powers instead of pitting them against each other they would have both stayed in the Organization at least a little while longer

the older i get the more i relate to Xion, bc i too am afraid that i will wreck everything

“do you hate me for taking your friend away from you?” “nah. i guess i’m just sad.” ;~;

now i see why people ship RikuXi

i can dig it now that i love them both, still a little weird to me though, i gotta warm up to it

Riku is projecting, i never realized

“you have to do what’s best for everybody” cause so does he, even at the expense of his own life

and he doesn’t want to have to tell Xion that, but he does, and maybe he can do it to someday

that illusion would have been a nice thing to animate, especially since i forgot it happened holy crap

leave it to Axel to do his best to save the day

Give me Lea sadly turning in the WINNER stick in KH3

or even better, give me Lea cheerfully turning in the WINNER stick with Roxas, Xion and Isa at the end of KH3

Xion said it this time but i’m gonna count it, 12

im super mad about the fixation on memories making everything okay in the end because EVERYONE FORGETS AND I HURT

I KNOW ITS ON PURPOSE BUT PLEASE

what is Diz’s purpose, just to order these kids around? he’s a huge jerk, why do you listen to him

he’s telling you to murder people

i mean they need to die i guess but wouldn’t both of you feel better if you came to that conclusion yourselves instead of this asshole telling you you gotta

though they are both kids and i guess there’s a comfort in an adult getting a final say

still DiZ is bad news and i don’t like him mistreating all the young’ins

Axel’s dancing between the truth, trying to be gentle and trying not to care too much resulted in literally the worst explanation ever no wonder Roxas got pissed

Why was Riku just chilling outside Beast’s Castle and how did Xion end up in just the right place to portal in front of him

i don’t REMEMBER XALDIN’S VOICE BEING THAT ODD

also #rude Xemnas, Xion is a she!

good to know most of the Organization thought of her has a person though. or a Nobody at least. an equal.

Were there more than 2 Replicas? oooooh that could be a good plot twist

Xemnas was insistent on calling her an “it” but uses “she” again when giving Axel the task of getting her back, a dialogue inconsistency or a deliberate manipulation?

There’s an implication that Demyx and Xion talked a lot thats adorable

At least now we know why they were insistent on having 13 people even before they had 13 Nobodies

Axel walks away from conversations almost as much as Vax’ildan

Roxas: “Could it be that you knew for a long time, and never told me anything?” Axel: I walk away

I still don’t get why Riku transforms without the blindfold, and how “his eyes couldn’t lie” is a valid explanation

Riku was projecting, he thinks he has to die

13 maybe? Roxas said it, but also accusing Axel of not memorizing it

Axel told Xion the truth and she left. Axel kept the truth from Roxas and he left.

That sucks.

~cause i’m leaaaaaavin, never to come back again~

“you’re Kairi as Sora remembers her” come on you can’t tell her she became her own person before she dies?

Namine is being kind in general though

I ship it

“i know. i’m ready” ;~;

they’re solving the problem themselves and DiZ walks in pissed that they’re doing what he asked. Almost like a real parent!

MY FAV SCENE IN THE WHOLE GAME

THE VOICE ACTING

THE BODY LANGUAGE

YOU CAN HEAR MY HEART BEING RIPPED OUT

you can also almost hear Axel’s abandonment issues developing even further!

this day is just titled “Tears”. Accurate

I just realized Xion was trying to get Axel to kill her first

but he couldn’t do it

she got Roxas to do it instead

Memories of Xion going static and fading are the WORST

Roxas did break Riku’s arm or something

yes hello i look eerily like your boss now

I wonder if Axel/Lea ever looks back on his conversations with Roxas and notices a hole. An awkward silence where he and Roxas are just listening to nothing. Laughter after a beat of quiet. Looking at something that isn’t there.

literally why is everyone just okay with DiZ he’s a total jerk

in II DiZ acts like he figures out that Ansem is actually Riku. Here he doesn’t question that Riku is 2 heads taller and his voice is 2 octaves deeper.

The rooms in KH are so nice

Well there it is. the end.

WAIT

“Got it memorized” and close variations were said a total of 13 times in this movie

11 by Axel, once by Xion, and once by Roxas, as a denial.

I’m so mad

[changingbirdpoems]

poems about stefan going forward in time

sonic youth

it was 2:45 in the morning sunday morning it was two songs nestled in my ear, beat & struck with the chord of time that I keep curled inside my seventeenth rib cage, this year’s molecules. it’s east out here, but i see in every direction

eternal sin sky eyes again

falling or rising to this, the sun is broken on a mist beam… kindred, what a word, just like people who are made out of clay or something else you would use in elementary school muse

-

         I’ll teach you to sleep

She said into concrete, baseball field lights singing at trees

It’s meditation, really Air for skin, feathers replacing hands to brush-                               ��                                  you could be from this same bird

Who sang up that we should love each side equally, with sleepless bedroom eyes Buddhism aside, this is gentle suffering

-

body blue as toes, shriveled with moisture but glowing bursting out with skylines and horizons on your shoulders shuddering through daybreak, clutching to nothing jump the fence undress

        using your eyes as lungs

breathe-blink, breathe-blink, breathe-blink skinned by the second

-

The Way We Get By

Another dappled late summer afternoon with papers in hand, golden sound waves beneath my fingertips, rising and falling with the leafy pressure of my palms- hoping you will taste like this air, nothing shining, whistles, cicadas, cigarette, honey bees braided through my clean hair, like the stillest, tallest branches of every tree in this circle of a day, tugging at my morning lily terraces like a gentle reminder of how I used to lean my arm out of the window and count each breath in french, un deux trois quatre cinq six sept huit neuf dix onze douze treize quatorze quinze seize dix-sept dix-huit dix-neuf

vingt Just waiting in the most being way possible, purple glow across parking lots, lettuce climbing out of garden beds, rustling light. End everything and begin again, remembering to stretch afterwards I can receive anything from here forward Tender sky, flailing grass, feather tucked behind one ear and pure lungs, melting ice, blue dictionaries, the way we get by firmly in hand, freckles and nothing and no one, but everything. Smooth skin fresh like soap, childhood whispering away and your eyes a song 5 minutes, 41 seconds long. Clouds beginning to realize to fly, airplanes made of twigs–

leave all your treasure behind, you need only oxygen in your lungs to float.

-

Your Debutante Just Knows What You Need, But I Know What You Want (a head full of pesticides)

and

             old       river way

silent amongst thunder, rustles in its creaking waves and breaks through every one

I can use my words my way. ambivalence no more

Red wine makes me suicidal/ Blood in glass/ My mind grows idle/

and I curl up beneath and I hold my breath and I hold yours in and I cup each hands, a Dickensian prayer

And I touch the Mona Lisa.   and like a fool I mixed them and I have no sense of time. Bun nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh Well I see

Honey Please Don’t

Soaring through the keys, I sit on blankets and know what he really loves you for. But she breaks just like tiny girls, enter Saxophones

From now on I will call you Cellar Door. So touch my hand and my shirt and swallow down every liquid cure you can find.

-

Another 11:11 on Another Sunday Morning (a description of a surreal, visually intoxicating dream I had last night)

“When do you have to leave?”

“Oh, you know, after,” those widening eyes, the knowing giggle of rainstained grass I lead you by the hand through my mountain home, the sun ricocheting through yellow green rooms and sheds, moss beneath bare feet, like therapy.

Your fish-blue eyes darting, feeling everything, content in your five senses, your biology, softly giving the laws of nature your small redeeming glance. You know already that we will be sleeping in a Spirit Ditch. Small talk with my father, and we explore into a basement reminiscent of trashy middle school fantasy. Subtle hands, featherless, at my waist, my neck, brushing and gone, some salvation across a Western-set sun, and a kiss beneath my ear.

Has-been fireworks strewn on sidetables, tumultuous furniture; we immediately acknowledge an abandoned silence in this space, with the soft impact of hand on hand.

Becoming a force beyond a presence, your arm turns my body in place. We in your motion turn and you may move us. Three words released, convictionless, significant, searching, bare, unexpected.. Not out of the blue; some warmer color: “I love you.” Your words like a rumbling resonating electric guitar solo soaring over highways, cathartic, a blanket or sheet of static and pounding, threading nothing and I think of songs as you press in, a rolling pin without a coat of flour, pulling me in your motion, moving me, Gentle Brother “Will you still mean that in the morning?” Because that is the mark. Some movie-scene answer of always meaning it, and I know exactly where you are. You have adapted to the mountains, with so many places left to go. You have forgotten your restlessness in my little shoulder touches, my kingdom.

We will never show sleeve but for when we show arm, because we are good men and Luciana is lost.

  I brought you to this house as a partner in crime, fellow renegade, to dip into lakes and leap down stone thousands of miles high. We sit in the bright, lampless basement of broken glass and blue mattresses, and then you are somewhere else, but this makes every sense. A girl walks in and suddenly she shows me television in the absence of your eyes of blue; I wait for the men who want to rule the world. She needs to record something, and I direct her towards the box of VHS. Her pixie hair and sullen face suggest she’s not alone; soon enough a party seeps in. I only wanted moss. You return looking for me, become spellbound by the lights and heroin, and watch with an arm melting into mine. We stand in real-time together as the party becomes color streaks around us Buzzes to us: Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak; Lay open to my earthly-gross conceit Smother’d in errors, feeble, shallow, weak             The folded meanings of your words’ deceit. Against my soul’s pure truth why labour you

To make it wander in an unknown field?          Are you a god? would you create me new? Transform me then, and to your power I’ll yield. We are princes in the galaxy that spans from where they are to where we are now. And then we return to light. In a simple country room. “Will you still mean it in the morning?” But I crawl in. It is thyself, mine own self’s better part, mine eye’s clear eye. Gently, with the minutes, we are air, too real, everything I knew was beneath and above.

-

as though, if you touch gently enough, you’ll believe you don’t have fingers tendrils of nothing seeping out of sea silence evaporating

like haiku is breath (marble binocular eyes) like you are exhale my palms melt to milk I feel your quiet shaking me awake; last touch.

-

“im not concerned with Love and law. im not saying these words to impress you. i will die alone but that in itself is destiny. i need you to Know.”

Honey & Gravel I laughed and I don’t care I love sin

the fact that you are married-

sleep

I burn to touch everything with a heart of darkness

but some things make me pure (the one I really need) Linger on because what the fuck are we here for anyway

but to feel that emptiness, but to convince Somebody that we are nothing. Don’t forget astronomy, honey, please don’t. As if we are here.

I don’t care about any destiny What is is is is and destiny doesn’t care about me, daytripper, nighttripper, mindsoul nothingness

WHAT are mirrors made to do, and why does my mouth crave everything So who would I be if I didn’t want you inside

I mean that with incredible writhing warmth

is is is pure pure pure Children of cathartic silence, soar across me

feel me into earth I will never Know anything but mountains so give me nothing that is not green and touch touch touch touch no, shhhhhhhh Jimmy the strings of everything, and destiny on a wheel of Jesusblood

my entire network of matter is there already the way you should be held Nobody Has Eyes so I do not care except for the muscles throughout my frame who remind me to crawl in Crawl in like something that once learned to fly

FLY

everything I knew was beneath and above crawl inside me

fly inside me if you have a voice (I am the sun, I am the air)                                             You can break your molecules apart by sheer will.

-

Let Me Play It

When morning is like the sugary sensation of wing-bone ripping the delicate flesh of my shoulder bones, there is a readiness, a readiness to let me in, let me be here, and count the curvatures of my spine into the cigarette-strewn robin blue paneling beneath even water

My Sweet Lord, somewhere nowhere eyes, parting hands and lips, wounds, wing-membrane and tender ginger headaches sprinkling spices in my hair, sandalwood oil between my fingers, sex and absynthe and disfiguring, luminous heroin like levitation and you the patron saint of travellers, or the first Catholic martyr stoned to death, but who would not feel so alone if everybody must Palm to palm, you breathe nothing like I do, a separate anatomy and chemistry: I a bird You a feather, borne out on nothing, brahman nirvana heaven darkness making pure even sorrow, granulated and unadulterated, white opium of mutual understanding, two bird cages wired together, doors swinging wide open

-

hear me make a noise I have felt your ears and know they received sound once

choosing not to hear is just to break me, is just blue swirling forget

you felt everything in the pale whites of your eyes linger on, hear me

-

3D

There’s the part that loves, and the part that still loves

There’s the line folded, twisted, the möbius strip, the breath

Color flowing with shape, sound, taste interchangeable guitar strings, warming air, pain unacknowledged, and being pulled by my center to all the things I would like to be a part of.

There’s whom we love, and whom we still love

One the heart, one the hand

-

My lost muse   below the blanket of chemicals, I remember you The pure messiah, a field by the road, a man-made lake We jumped the fence and took off our clothes Songs of honeysuckle and time   desperate hopes in rhyme It broke me in two   my fickle prophet My salvation, the one

from days long gone