#but this fucking monster? i feel it etched into my very dna

[tiktaaliker]

still convinced that poetry is a sort of thing that is so so so intimate and personal. and no im not just talking about writing poetry im specifically talking about reading or hearing it or whatever.

i hold the belief that everyone has at least one poem that is Their Poem and people who dont like poetry at all have simply not found Their Poem yet.

i think that every single person alive has a certain combination of words that if strung together in a specific order will make them just start gnashing their teeth like a wild animal

and maybe you havent found Your Poem and maybe you think poetry as a whole isnt really your jazz and thats cool thats fine. but i still think one day you are going to find Your Poem.

and sometimes its an actual poem written by some guy who calls themself a poet but sometimes its a sentence thrown out in an otherwise innocuous conversation or read a line written in pen on the walls of a fucking subway or whatever and it changes you permanently. sometimes for the worse. and thats great i think

[theveryinsignificantpotato]

The Monster called anxiety

Any doctor x reader (though I imagined 10 when writing it)

Okay, here is the thing, I started writing the request and I am stuck, complete writer's block on my end, but I am working really hard to get everything just perfect for you, you beautiful human, but for now I edited this thing I found in my older oneshot book on Wattpad that never got posted. It's not horrible, but it is not what I wanted for you, so I'm using it to buy me a lil more time while I make yours perfect!

Your request is on the way, I am very sorry for the wait!

...

He said he needed something human, some dna. I had been racking my brain to come up with something, assuming he would need a tangible material, like blood or skin. I had apparently been thinking aloud by mistake, rambling about how we could get a knife or something and I could give him just that, going on and on until he finally shut me up with a kiss. And time seemed to stop around me as I processed the feeling of his lips against mine, my body stiffening in shock.

He pulled away relatively quickly with his signature 'I just had a genius idea' smile beaming at me "That'll do, come on now!" He says with the slight hop he does just before he runs in the opposite direction

I took a dazed step in the direction he ran with a hand to my lips. It was only a moment in my daze before I heard him yell "come on!" From the corridor and I shook my head mumbling a small "right, panic later" and running after him.

--

Overwhelmed, that is what I felt in that moment. Finally back aboard the TARDIS after what was by far the most risky adventure he had ever taken me on. I had almost died at one point, and towards the end there I thought he himself had died. Thoughts flew through my mind as I collapsed on the floor upon entering, what if I had died? Worse yet, what if he did? What if I am unable to do it next time? I can't let the defender of the universe die! What will become of everything?

The doctor enters just after me, furrowing his eyebrows at the sight of my hunched figure "are you alright?"

I glance at him, returning my eyes to the floor "oh yeah, I'm fine." I say rolling onto my back and allowing my anxiety to consume my entire being "I'm just tired is all." I flash the doctor a smile and he nods, not looking fully convinced.

None the less he turns some knobs and presses some buttons around the console, careful not to step on me as I lay in the middle of the floor.

The longer the silence, the more my thoughts deem me unfit to be a companion to the doctor, dreading the future and hating myself with every new situation my brain comes up with. My hands find their way to my face as the TARDIS takes off, pulling my hair on their way.

I try as the doctor told me before; during the event of an anxiety attack, to go back and show myself all the good I've done. I think of today's adventure, trying to see all the times I did good or that the doctor congratulated me with a "nice one, y/n!", Or "That's my girl!" In his excited voice with a proud smile.  I went through all the events of the day until I got to the kiss, where I stopped. Aand, I'm anxious again. What if it's weird now? That was my first, what if it was bad? Oh my God, my crush took my first kiss without knowing I love him, what if it was so bad he would never consider loving me? What if he doesn't want me to be his companion anymore? Oh God, oh fuck, what if things get too awkward and h-

"Y/n" my thoughts are cut off by his voice

I don't move, taking a deep breath to calm myself before I face him. I just wish I could stop bloody thinking! Christ, I'm shaking like I'm cold!

I can sense the doctor crouching over me, and the worry radiating from him. "Y/n, you are shivering and crying, what's wrong?" He asks

I hesitate for a moment before dragging my hands down my face to find my cheeks wet with tears "o-oh, I didn't even realize." I stutter, looking from my now damp hands to the doctor's features, etched with concern "Just anxious, is all. I made a mistake today and if you hadn't been there at that moment I would have screwed everything up. Makes me wonder what I will do in future adventures with you. What if I get you killed?"

He shakes his head "you won't." He says softly "You were brilliant today, too, without you it'd have been a disaster" he adds, offering me a hand.

I let out a sigh, accepting his hand and allowing him to pull me to my feet. He guides me to a sit by him on the floor by the console, our feet dangling over the lower level from the slight ledge. He sit for a moment in the quiet, each of us in our own heads before I finally speak up "I wish I could just stop thinking." I admit suddenly, causing the doctor to look at me

"Why is that? You're brilliant, it'd be a shame for that to end." He says

"It's not that, it's my thought processes, it's the anxiety. One thought, one screw up and then I'm on to the next in my mind before I see any good. I'm a little slow today, who's to say tomorrow I won't get someone killed? Every day my anxiety plagues my life like this and I can't get rid of it." I ramble, raking my fingers through my hair "sometimes I wonder if I'm even fit to be your companion, I really truly adore traveling with you, but every day I am just waiting for my next failure, waiting for the moment you finally drop me on Earth for the rest of my pitiful life. Surely it'd be better for you."

The doctor takes a breath "Listen to me, you and I, we fight monsters day in and day out, you and your brilliant mind sometimes even come up with plans to defeat then before I can, and I know what a huge monster anxiety is. The issue with this monster is I can't fix it, all I can do is try to help you. You are so very strong, so very smart, and you know that you are important, don't let it convince you otherwise."  He says, taking my hand and squeezing it lightly

The tears return, and I wipe them with my free hand. I'm so pitiful.

"This, this is why I'm a burden, I'm sitting here crying and making you stay with me when you could be helping someone"

He shakes his head "This is a time machine, y/n, you aren't being a burden. The only burden with your anxiety is that it is hurting the person I care about." He says, wrapping an arm around my shaking frame "come here"

I lean into his embrace, resting my head on his chest and wrapping my arms around his waist. He gently rubs his hand up and down on my shoulder, resting his chin on my head and I take a breath, listening to the beat of his hearts to calm me. "Thank you, Doctor." I say softly after a moment

"Ah, don't mention it." He replies, holding me tighter. I can hear the smile in his voice "Anything you need, love."

I sigh contently, finally feeling the weight of my anxiety leave me here in the doctor's arms. I sniffle a little, removing one of my arms from his waist to wipe the tears away from my cheeks before returning it to hug him tighter.

He gives a short laugh, removing his grip to allow me room to sit up and resume my sitting next to him. I do so, releasing him so I can rub my eyes of the remaining tears before giving him a tired grin. He smiles back "are you alright now?" He asks

I nod "sorry about that, It's been a long day." I say sheepishly

"Ah, we've all been there. No worries!" He says with a small smile "let's go somewhere nice, a lovely place for our next adventure. I know of this planet where in the evenings the sky glows a gorgeous cobalt blue, reflected in the many lakes, shallow like reflection pools, it has more stars surrounding it than any other planet and you can see them in the sky and on the water simultaneously, as if the whole sky is surrounding you, I think you would simply adore it. What do you say?" He rambles for a moment, looking at me with his awe filled eyes as he talks.

I can't help but smile "that sounds lovely." I reply, imagining the scene he described

"Great! I'll set our coordinates to go there now!" He exclaims, beginning to stand when I grab his hand to stop him

"U-uh Doctor, before we do that, I-" I stutter, and he gives me an odd look

"What is it, y/n?"

I avoid his eyes, standing up in front of him "Before we go I need to ask you something, it's about the last adventure, and I know why you did it, I don't need you to explain yourself, but if I don't get this off my chest and ask you I think I'll go mad." I ramble, rubbing my arm and continuing to avoid his confused gaze "B-but it's about that kiss today."

"That was to get a dna sample, it was critical that I had human dna in order to-"

"No, no, I understand that" I interrupt "but ah- it's stupid." I shake my head "T-that was my first kiss, and I get that it was meaningless to you, just part of the mission, but to me it wasn't. And I know it's dumb but I have to say-" I hesitate, taking a breath and attempting to ignore the look on the doctor's face "I think I'm in love with you, doctor" Oh my God that sounds so cheesy out loud I can't help but laugh a little "s-sorry, you probably hear that a lot"

I can't begin to describe the look on his face when I finally looked at him, it was weird like a mix of confused and trying not to laugh. I feel so embarrassed in this moment that I want to die. He didn't say anything at first, just took a step forward and put a hand on my shoulder, looking into my eyes as if searching for something. I couldn't help my slight shaking as I anticipated his next movement, not even remotely expecting him to do as he did.

As I watched his eyes his unreadable expression softened, and his free hand placed itself on my chin to tilt my head up towards him. A small smile played on his lips as he leant down to my level, placing a sweet kiss on my lips. My first instinct was to tense up, but I quickly relaxed, closing my eyes and kissing him back.

This one lasted longer than the first, and it was sweeter. When he finally pulled away I opened my eyes to be greeted with his perfect smile, "alright then! Off we go!" He cheers, running to the console with the same hop in his step.

I was dazed once again, my breath hitching as I watched him "wha- Doctor!" I whine, unable to help the smile creeping at my lips

He looks up at me, his hand on a switch and a brilliant smile on his face "allons-y!" He cheers, flicking the switch to initiate the TARDIS' take off