#but there’s other people i met helped/experienced and exited and i wasn’t inherently terrible

[iammissingautumn]

still having mental illness after a good spurt (despite direct stress) is hard cause it’s like. everything feels so light or nice and then it wants to crash down. the trigger happens and then the real hard work happens. idk i think it was hard work to figure out the reality of certain things with myself. the truth of which i couldn’t understand in the past due to ongoing abuse and not having a place to be safe and breathe out. and i’m still struggling in certain terms but i realized when i was younger i wouldn’t be okay if i didn’t have like. a support system. and then i realized as i got older i wouldn’t be okay if i couldn’t work through things with myself. i’ve felt this way so many times throughout life. but this time i change the tune. this time it goes a bit different. this time i honor my sadness, my inner explosion that comes from obsessive compulsive rules that dictate certain feelings. but i honor it and it does not harm me. and that’s genuinely been really nice. but it’s hard. to take your self out of the pit. to take on all that weight that was just about to fall down— and almost did till i could grab the rope and bring myself up. there were so many important markers, but i think i used to really really just try to be what i thought was the best person people would want. not even necessarily in a good way. but when what i liked was being talked down upon i decided okay, then its not bad. if my favorite color was someone else’s favorite color, then i had to move away from it, cause everyone had their color. and i can’t go back to that color. but i can stand strong in what i love nand for that im grateful. i can not change the past, i often times can’t change elements of the present, but that is okay. and putting effort when i could make it, to acknowledge the happiness i felt. to let it breathe. it’s filled me up. and so even though i can still fall down that hole. i can throw myself in if i follow basic conclusions that are natural to me. that which is logic my brain has set up for years and years of the harm done unto me and circumstances that broke my brain and reasoning. i could lose myself completely. but i will not.

and if i lose myself a little bit it is okay, cause instead i can handle my inner supernova, and recreate that energy into something more. mental illness in a phoenix font. something that isn’t just falling and falling till i splat and then fall and fall and splat and fall. splat and then fall and fall and splat and fall. i know my brain will be caught up, and i know i can do small things. look at my pinboards that remind me what is good. and even though its going to shit. even though my internal struggles were triggered, i can reassure myself in small ways. physical ways. academic ways. story ways. distraction ways. and i think in the past i’ve felt cringed i’ve felt scared to be public about my process but i think that has helped me the most. not because i need to be seen inherently, and not even that i need to be seen by the people important to me, i just need the practice. i just need the right step forward. i just need to do it. to have an action. so i make my pinboards. i post on instagram. i post on tumblr. and it hasn’t all been pure concentrated practice, sometimes it’s laughter, or beauty, or feelings, or a process. but it helps me hold those things. maybe even honor those things.

and there’s elements where i really know i couldn’t have known that without living. and in that i cant find it within myself to want to stop, cause people might think im cringe! they might think im attention seeking! they might think im weird! they might think im stupid! and like. it’s not for them. it’s not for them. it will never be for them. it’s for my process. it’s for when the times get bad. cause when i was younger, 14, i used to post about feeling bad and it would encourage that falling and splat. and i still want the option to talk about that, to say i’m feeling like shit! i got beat up today, kicked, hit, bit, and i feel like shit! and i want that to be okay.

and to have the chance of look at that as beautiful too. i want the chance to see my process and feel beautiful in it. to not feel like im blind towards everything and tripping down the hole. Eve did not know there were other options. Violet was stuck with the ground crumbling down till she was falling. Rose only knew to comfort but knew no solution. So there was none. it was locked away. A secret to the universe I could not obtain. And it wasn’t like any one just held the answer. Even as Asle or Cerable settled into my gut instincts, from being 13 to being 16, they did not hold an answer that fixed it all. Instead i was able to just live and fuck up enough to know what not to do ever again. Too blind for the betterment of myself, too shunned to see the difference that could truly help. but it does feel really fucking nice to have the conclusions that i have came to (and while this is one of them; the rest will not be listed here as there are many that mean a great deal to me). I had to survive my *******, i had to live on, I had to soak it all in. I experience things differently, I don’t understand or feel things the exact way a lot of other people do, what matters is what i do with it. no matter what anyone else does. this ride or die shit don’t matter. only health really does. I don’t need to feel things like other people to still be healthy about it. I don’t need to have the same desires as everyone else to be happy. and i’m sure there will be so much more to learn that when i get there it will feel like my whole life changed. but honestly, i’ve felt that so much over time, having the blessing of people coming into my life and making an impact. changing my life and building a network that wants me or expects me. building drive. it would be so fucking fair to call me a lazy pos and honestly! rock on! it’s what i need to do to recover. whether that be because of not having many spoons, or being overwhelmed, or just because my brain works a way. i can take a deep breath, and figure myself out. and i probably won’t always be able to do that, but im massaging my RSD so that when I ask for help and it goes wrong, i wont break down. I know i wont be harmed like i used to be. i know i wont be alone like i used to be. i know they wont try to hurt me, or invalidate me, or whatever. and That work has been the most influential. to experience that pain, that deep deep sensitive dysphoria, that heartbreak, that switching, and that world. to experience that and still be able to roll over and go it’s okay, the rules weren’t followed, and the world isn’t gonna end tonight. cause i’m here. and we have beautiful things. i don’t have to fall.