#but then later you find out lwz is emotionally mature and fully aware of what he omitted earlier and very thlughtfully

[mejomonster]

Chapter 150. So secondly, so much info on Fei Du. He disassociates so much from his own feelings, he's very numb to his own feelings. It's interesting, in that he thinks he operates completely on logic but emotions clearly influence his choices and actions its just he is barely even aware they ARE influencing his decisions. I do wonder if someone asked him why he doesn't kill, what he thinks the reason is. While I do THINK there's a reason and so far I don't personally think it's solely Luo Wenzhous influence as far as why he didn't become like the Zhou or Wei kids... I also think Fei Du might not be aware of why emotionally he is so driven to revenge for people who were harmed, to help protect people, to not harm others. But obviously he's driven to not harm, something possessed him to want to self harm to such an extensive degree as to Try and condition himself to respond with nausea and fear of pain when contemplating hurting someone or something. He must be really terrified of indulging such innate desire to be cruel, to go to such awful lengths to Try and train himself to NOT be that way.

Luo Wenzhou asked fei du why he saved Luo wenzhou. I should go back to that conversation. But like... despite whatever he answered, I wonder if fei du really realizes the depth of why he saved Luo wenzhou from the bomb. Of how deeply he does Care. It's like a cop said once of worrying fei du was the type with such a Strong sense of justice he'd go vigilante kill, and it's like Xiao haiyang being That Type and paralleling him... fei du does Care strongly, but he's not even fully aware of how much that influences his actions. Strangers can pick up on it even, but he can't. He's so disconnected from himself. You don't self harm in such intense fear of yourself hurting others, unless you're terrified of hurting others and terrified of losing control of yourself. He doesn't touch that Terror in his conscious thoughts, thats How terrified he is of it. Terrified enough to convince himself such actions are rational and logical and don't imply something seriously emotionally fucked at play spurring the action. Terrified enough his mind blocked out bits of that basement. There's a lot of trauma he copes with by being numb to his own feelings so he isn't overwhelmed by that Terror and feel of lack of control over who he is, over his impulses, over his past still haunting him. But it also means a numbness to the current present emotions that Are driving him but he just isn't really able to fully notice Because he copes by staying out of touch with his feelings. So even though they do affect him, he can't address it much. I thought at one point in his pov parts in the novel that maybe he just chose to ignore acknowledging the emotional aspect driving him, but now at chapter 150 I think he's actually just really unaware of it. I mean, makes sense, I was that way at 21-22 too. Took a lot of therapy to even know what i felt again. And his self harm and traumatizing himself more with that, to punish himself painfully FOR what to him was an instinctive trait from young to harm others/be okay with cruelty, is definitely feeding into the whole aspect of him afraid of himself. Enemies with himself. Unable to grasp which self is the self he feels is him now, that it's the same self actually and that the abuse at himself is self hatred and fear. There's just... so much to go into.

He was terrified of losing Luo wenzhou, and recently of losing Tao Ran, and he isn't able to recognize his emotions enough to know that. He's too disconnected and constantly reinforcing the disconnection by doing what's logical when any event happens, ignoring if he responds emotionally at any point, and insisting to himself he does not have those emotional internal reactions (that do occur). I wonder to a degree, if partly he cuts off his own awareness of his emotions because he's terrified of feeling loss again (his mom), terrified of feeling trapped again (his dads comtrol rhen becoming who his dad wanted and desiring things like his dad did), terrified of feeling weak again (at the Mercy of being what father wanted and now at the mercy of rhe shadow org that killed his dad and many others), terrified of being outside his own control (when he does enjoy cruelty or feel an urge to harm does he feel like his father is Still controlling him since he turned him into this), terrified of his own passion (his mom abused because dad "loved" her and his father "loving" cruelty and power getting him killed and fei du fearing if he feels love and desires power he'll do something just as fucked up and lose his loved one and lose his own power and life). There is SO much fei du fears will happen if he feels emotions, so he does as much as he can to ignore when he does feel them, convince himself he doesn't feel any, and numb himself to whatever he does feel so he can't recognize it.

(I do think personally fei du Cannot feel empathy for others, that angle he often argues... though you could argue he's wrong and his dad made him just think he couldn't understand others emotions. But if we believe fei du is right, and say he's like the protagonist guy in Flower of Evil kdrama, that doesn't mean he can't feel internally his own shit. The not feeling internal stuff is his own numbness and dissassociation to cope. That also doesn't mean he can't choose to want to help people, which he clearly has decided to do now although I'm still debating when and why he came to such a decision. Even if you argued he helps people out of selfish motivation, he said something to convince the people in his own secret organization that he would get revenge for them, enough for them to want to die for him. I think he does have some kind of sense of vigilante justice at least to a degree to convince people to his mission so thoroughly.)

Anyway my point is. Fei Du dissassociates and numbs from his own emotions. And the chapter 150 scenes are really fascinating in seeing a moment in time when he isn't quite Aware he's feeling stuff and that affects his actions, but the fact he IS numb and doesn't notice his emotions driving him causes HIM a blind spot. Just like Luo Wenzhous part of the chapter is about his blind spot of trusting people he loves to not do harm, Fei Du has a blind spot of not noticing when his own emotions affect his actions and decisions and memories. This chapter is the "blindspot" chapter, you could perhaps say. Fei Du draws a graph to try and figure out what's going on in his own mind, unaware of his own feelings so struggling to be able to map all of the factors affecting his own dreams and memories. With the help of the graph and thought process, recognizing at least that SOMETHING terrified him. Something terrified him in the memory he can't recall, and Tao Rans accident reminded him of it.

(Which like it's a sad scene and all but also it's kind of funny to me like... fei du you are THOROUGHLY motivated by Terror. Honey... you could've used a therapist to maybe recognize this in the many years you went ToT instead I'm guessing you just found ways to better numb yourself to your own emotions, thereby making the blind spot worse. I know you're afraid of your own feelings and the huge loss of control you fear happens if you feel them but baby... you can't make them Stop scaring you until you can... process them and work through them. And you just delayed all that until idk you finally decide to. When you had a good therapist ToT. I'm gonna go on a limb and assume his dad was very ANTI trauma therapy, and very PRO operant conditioning and abusing literally everyone. Fei Du baby I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Anyway.... my point is Fei Du is very motivated by his fears, it's one of the easiest ways until I'm proven otherwise to track his motives. Beginning of the novel, why the fuck would he seriously pursue Tao Ran when he doesn't love Tao ran, doesn't "love" anyone, is a playboy, isn't even marriage age, wants to infiltrate the cops but there's SO many easier ways like the university plan which he does later and Tao Ran is STRAIGHT. Logic would dictate pursuing seriously Lang Qiao, or Luo Wenzhou if he could get away with it, or just doing his intern plan. But he's afraid of exactly what he told Therapist Bai: losing what he considers his approximation of a family now that he's setting his secret plot in motion. Tao Ran and Luo Wenzhou are that family. Luo Wenzhou only fights with him, and fei du likewise only fights back and fears Luo Wenzhou will abandon him SOON and partly out of self sabotage and partly out of desperation to be worth Luo wenzhous trust, fei du keeps hinting his plot RIGHT AT LUO WENZHOU. That's sure not logical! That's dumb as shit! But fei dus emotions want him to be worth Luo wenzhous trust, and want Luo wenzhous approval and "family home connection." And in contrast his intense self hatred wants Luo wenzhou to abandon him sooner. Judge him asap. He cant just bite his tongue and fully lie to Luo wenzhou. His emotions are too desperate. Then comes Tao Ran: he's a way to maintain closeness to fei dus "family" he doesn't want to lose, Tao Ran won't date him either so it won't risk getting too close emotionally which fei du fears, and fei du can enjoy Luo wenzhou competing with him and not Only rejecting him, for a few more months. Pursuing Tao Ran is very emotional fear motivated. Logically it wasn't needed. Logically every single dumbass fight with Luo wenzhou was a bad idea (and fei du knows Luo Wenzhou is good at making him open up and be vulnerable so it was extra stupid to KEEP talking to him).

But emotionally fei du wanted to be near them until his plan ruined those connections. Just like emotionally, one of my favorite scenes, fei dus fear is why he grabs Luo Wenzhous hand in the car and holds it. He turns it to a flirt ploy later, but ultimately the reason he grabs Luo Wenzhous hand is emotional support. Is a rare moment he let the emotions go and let them be soothed, with the only person he feels safe to let them out with. Maybe he feels Luo wenzhou can hold him and his terrors and help him ride though them, maybe he feels in a self hating way that the awful fears he can't ultimately control will destroy their relationship and he lets those fears come out to get that self fulfilled abandonment. But Luo wenzhou never does abandon him. (And oh that's a rich area to explore... fei dus emotions when he held Luo wenzhous hand).

Fei du is absolutely driven by fear, of himself and his own feelings and what they'll cause. He clutches onto his loved ones because he's also contrastingly very afraid HE'S going to be the reason he loses them. He doesn't realize he has loved ones (and maybe that's also out of a fear if he Loves them consciously he will hurt them like his dad hurt his mom so he tries to disconnect from love too), but his desperation to have them and protect them From himself drive him. His fears about his own past, who he was, who he is now, who he might he if he doesn't beat himself brutally and torture impulses he's scared out out of himself and constantly crush down any emotions he notices and constantly FEAR when Luo Wenzhou makes him open up and feel vulnerable and Constantly put on an act and Put Up Walls both to others and inside himself against himself. Its just. He is only vaguely aware Terror drives his nightmares (and this Tao ran nightmare is far from the only one he has... he has nearly constant nightmares). Even though its a huge factor in everything he does.

Quotes below:

He was the one who’d bought it, not expecting that he’d use it only a couple of times before it became the tool of an individual surnamed Luo.—Before, Luo Wenzhou had simply been long-winded; now, in the midst of his jabbering, he also wanted to sum up all the trifling analyses in that jabbering, hanging them up on the whiteboard, accomplishing an omnidirectional exhortation directed at Fei Du’s eyes and ears; it was very deranged.

X

Luo Wenzhou really had been a little fretful that night, Fei Du had felt it, but it hadn’t amounted to anger. But in the end Fei Du hadn’t clearly worked out whether he’d really coaxed him out of it. Because of this, perhaps he’d kept thinking it over in his dream, and his dream for some reason had made a big fuss over a minor issue, enlarging this slight concern.

X

People’s consciousness and memories hid very complicated projections and very subtle distortions. Surface logic and unconscious logic seemed to use different languages. Although Fei Du considered himself very open towards himself, it was still hard for him to objectively decipher that day’s series of dreams, which was stuck like a fishbone in his throat.

 

Generally speaking, a dream that could startle someone awake must have touched some deep-seated anxiety and fear.

 

But Fei Du had examined himself, and he believed that he didn’t have anxieties; fears were out of the question. For him, “fear” was like a celebrity on TV—he knew such a person existed, could see them every day on the screen, but as for how they looked in reality and what their temper and disposition were like…he had no way to judge.

 

He hadn’t felt that he’d been in any way not calm when he’d heard the news of Tao Ran being taken to the hospital. The car crash had already happened, and only the doctors could remedy that; it had nothing to do with him. Fei Du remembered he had only spent the whole journey considering the sequence of events.

 

Could it be that “Tao Ran being injured” had been a huge source of stress for him, going so deep that it had touched some deeper and more intense thing in his memories?

 

In his dream, Tao Ran, who had been hit by a car, had appeared with his face showing signs of asphyxiation. So following that line of reasoning, an asphyxiated face was something else in his memories…but where had he seen it?

X

He’d determined to return to his old house to have a look at the basement. He had passed a lightless childhood there, borne the correction of electric shock and medication countless times, even witnessed his mother’s death. Fei Du truly couldn’t understand why there would be a flaw in his memory of the time he’d snuck into the basement.