#but then between that time and when i actually woke up it wasnt as comfy so i had to move and she had to

[kawaiianimeredhead]

Last night when I went to bed mackenzie curled up against me by my stomach and chest area and when my parents come in to say goodbye she was still curled up in the same way and it was very cute

[nomsugayoongi]

Recurring

Pairing: Jungkook X OC female

Warnings: None yet.

Synopsis: Jungkook meets the girl of his dreams...but the problem is exactly that. She's in his dreams.

Note: So I had this really bizarre idea for a fluff fest (and eventual smut fest because it's JK and I can't help myself) It's written and edited on a phone so forgive any mistakes and don't be afraid to let me know what you think.

"Huh?"

Jungkook looked around. He didn't know this street. Nothing looked familiar. Not the tall, grey buildings, not the neon lights casting colourful shadows on the dark pavement, nothing. He frowned, eyes scanning the signs on the building right beside him. It was one of those 24 hour convenience stores. The lights were on but he couldn't see anybody inside. No cashier behind the counter. No customers. He had no idea what time it was. Come to think of it, he didn't actually have any idea about anything. He felt a splash of water hit his face and glanced up at the dark sky. No stars. No moon. Just....black. The glow from the street lights cast faint beams and highlighted the beginning drops of rain. He looked down at the pavement. He didn't have shoes on. His bare feet looked strange against the concrete but he couldn't feel the cold ground. His frown deepened as he scraped his foot lightly against the path, expecting to feel the rough texture but feeling nothing. The rain started coming faster, droplets hitting the back of his neck as he stared down at his feet. He wasn't afraid. Even in this strange situation, with not a soul in sight, there was no fear. Just curiosity. He looked either side of him then down the dark street ahead. There was something glowing at the end of the street that piqued his interest. A soft, warm ball of light that flickered slightly even though there was no wind.

He started walking, the rain coming down harder, huge splotches soaking through his t shirt yet he didn't feel particularly cold. He looked in the windows of the closed shops as he walked past, the silhoutte of the items in the window seeming even darker against the faint light bouncing off the glass. It was so quiet. No traffic sounds, no voices. Just the sound of the rain hammering against the pavement. As he approached the end of the street, he squinted at where the light now seemed bigger and brighter. Pure darkness spanned out in front of him, but it was moving, shimmering and rippling as the rain hit the surface. Water. A lake or something. He couldn't tell how big it was. The darkness of the water sort of blending into the darkness of the night and made one big horizon of black. As he approached the edge of the water, he noticed that the ball of light that had caught his attention was a gently swinging lamp hung inside a gazebo. A rickety looking wooden Jetty connected the floating gazebo to the embankment and he quickened his pace to get to it, mainly because the rain was now hammering down so hard that he was drenched from head to toe but also because the soft glow of light against the stark backdrop of darkness was very inviting. He made his way up the jetty, hearing the wooden slats creak and groan under his feet then smiling as he reached the gazebo. It was cute. It seemed....out of place. An octagonal, wooden structure with a slate roof and half open sides. Benches ran around each edge, padded with thick, comfy looking cushions. A lantern hung from the center of the roof, swaying slightly above a small table. It really was out of place. It looked brand new, like something you'd see in the garden section of an IKEA catalogue. He wondered whether he was ok to sit since he was wet through but it was literally the middle of the night and there wasnt a soul around, so he sat, picking the edge closest to the open water and facing out so he could watch the rain bounce off the water's surface. He liked the overlapping circular ripples it created, like an intricate pattern on the glassy surface. It was nice. Absolute silence apart from the rain and the sound of his own steady breathing. He felt calm. Peaceful. Content even. Happy to just sit in the darkness and listen to the rain. He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply, the smell of the water and fresh rain causing a small smile to play around his lips.

"Hey. Soggy boy. What you doing in my dream?"

His eyes snapped open and he looked around wildly. "What the hell?" He muttered, confused. Stood at the entrance to the gazebo was a girl, her arms folded across her chest as she surveyed him. There was no way she could have snuck up. He would have heard her footsteps on the crappy old jetty. "Where did you come from?" He frowned, looking around with bemusement. "What do you mean where did I come from? It's my dream. Where did you come from?" She retorted. He looked back towards the street where everything was still exactly the same. No people. No sound. "I was over there." He muttered, pointing. "Wait...dream?" He questioned, completely confused. She nodded. "Yeah. This is my dream spot. I've been here loads of times. Want to tell me why you're crashing my dream? And why you're dripping on my cushions?" She said, arms still folded expectantly. "It's raining." He said stupidly. "I got caught in it. Wait...why aren't you wet?" He asked, suddenly noticing that she was stood among the falling rain but was bone dry. "It's my dream." She repeated slower, as though he was kind of dumb. "I decide what happens. I didn't decide on you though. Why are you here?" She asked, a frown creeping between her brow. He shrugged, still looking around curiously. "Dunno. Are you sure it's your dream? I think it might be mine." He reasoned. That would make sense. Not knowing where he was, the bare feet, the body temperature rain, the entire lack of life signs. "It's definitely mine." He muttered, more to himself than to her. "Yeah, cause I went to bed after practise and woke up here...except I didn't wake up. I must still be asleep. Huh! That's pretty cool." He said, a slow grin spreading across his face at the idea of being aware of his own dream. "Excuse me. Soggy boy. If it's your dream then why am I in it and why are you having it in my dream space?" She asked. He shrugged again, finally looking at her. She had long dark hair that was poker straight and impossibly shiny, it fell around a cute face, huge, sparkly eyes, button nose, pouty lips. Good cheekbones. She was short but curvy. Her expression displaying her curiosity. Definitely his dream. She looked like a strange Mish mash of all the things he liked in a girl. She was cute. Very cute. "Does it matter if it's your dream or my dream? Either way, it isn't real. Whoever is dreaming will wake up at some point and it'll end anyway. Why waste it trying to figure out whose head were in?" He reasoned. She nodded slowly, thoughtfully. "Yeah I guess. I'm just...not used to anyone being here." She shrugged. "Well I'm not here technically." He mused. "Neither are you." She hummed, studying him curiously. She'd dropped her folded arms and had taken a seat on the bench opposite his. She was staring at him intently. "You got a name or should I just keep calling you soggy boy?" She asked. "Jungkook" he smiled. "Huh?" She said, eyebrow raised. "Jungkook" he repeated. "Why the face?" She shook her head, still looking a little bemused. "That's not an English name." She muttered. He chuckled, now also looking bemused. "Why would it be? I'm not English." He replied. "But you've lived here a while? Your accent." She muttered. "Lived where? What accent?" He frowned. "In England." She stated. He chuckled again. "What are you talking about? I don't live in England. I've never lived in England. I barely know how to speak English although I've been learning for years. English is hard." He mused. "But you're speaking English now." She exclaimed. He frowned, laughing. "No. I'm speaking Korean." He said slowly. She looked like her head was about to explode. "No. You're definitely speaking English. I understand you. How would I understand you if you were speaking Korean?" She said, puzzled. "YOU'RE speaking Korean." He frowned. "EH? I'm speaking English. I wouldn't be able to speak Korean if my life depended on it, let alone carry out a whole ass conversation with some soaked stranger in my dream gazebo." She said defensively. He couldn't help but laugh. As far as dreams went, this was by far one of his most

interesting. "Ok. So you're speaking English. I'm speaking Korean...yet we understand each other. Cool." He smiled. She continued to look confused. "Ok so....Jungkook right?" She asked. He nodded. "Are you from Korea?" Again he nodded. "And to you it sounds like I'm speaking Korean?" Another nod. "Hmmphhh. I've had some pretty weird dreams before but this one takes the cake."

It felt like hours passed as they talked. He found out her name, that she was 2 years older than him and English. She worked in a hospital during the night and slept during the day. He told her about himself, the band, his band mates, he touched on what his life was like but didn't go into it much. It was nice to just talk to someone, even if he had to dream them up to do it. Without him even realising, the darkness surrounding them had begun to melt away, the sky lightening into colourful purples and eventually soft pinks as the sun came up. He didn't notice when the rain stopped or the silence gradually giving way to the sound of chirping birds. He was too engrossed in conversation to pay attention to his surroundings. He'd liked the sense of solitude when he first got here but quickly preferred having someone to talk to. She was attentive and interested, listening and asking questions, laughing when he made a joke. He felt...normal, which was nice. He was almost disappointed when she pointed out that time was almost up. He looked around, surprised. "When did daytime happen?" He frowned. She chuckled, rolling her eyes. "Somewhere between your pressures as an idol and my frustrations at work." She shrugged. He gazed at the water, now noticing the lush green trees that surrounded the embankment, the colour of the sky, the sparkly surface of the water. "Wow. This place is beautiful." He muttered, eyes skimming his surroundings in awe. She smiled, nodding slowly. "It's my favourite place." She said softly. "Where is it? Is it real?" He questioned. Nothing about it was familiar to him. "I don't know. I've never actually been. I just...dreamed it once and liked it so I kept coming back. A lot of my dreams happen here." She sighed. He nodded thoughtfully. "I hope I come back." He whispered. "Yeah, you didn't get to try any of the cool dream stuff." She chuckled. He raised an eyebrow, pulling his eyes from the beautiful scenery to look at her. "What cool dream stuff?" She rolled her eyes again, making him feel like a rookie. "Y'know. The stuff you can't do when you're awake. Flying, floating, changing stuff, making yourself different. It's your head. Your dream. You control it. Once you realise you're dreaming, the laws of the universe become more flexible. Dreams don't care about gravity or continuity. Your head. Your rules." She explained. He looked at her wide eyed. "Really?" He muttered. She laughed, her laugh was musical and made him feel warm. "Mmm hmm. The trick is to realise you're dreaming quickly, gives you more time to play." Her smile was childlike, eyes twinkling with excitement. It was infectious, provoking his own giddy smile. "Is there time now? Quickly?" He asked. She hummed, looking at the sky. "Don't think so. Look." She pointed upward, his eyes followed. The sky seemed to be fading. He blinked a couple of times, trying to focus but everything was blurring. "No. I'm not ready yet." He frowned. He gripped the cushion in his fists, trying to hold on. "I want to stay." He heard her light, musical laughter but it sounded further away. "I hope you're here next time. See you, soggy boy."

Jungkook awoke, blinking rapidly as he looked around. He was in his bedroom. He sat up, frowning, his stomach still churning. He rubbed his eyes with a sigh. Of course he was in his bedroom. Where else would he be. Still, that was some dream. He looked at the familiar surroundings feeling almost a pang of sadness. "That was a good dream." He whispered to himself, feeling almost silly that a small part of him was already hoping to go back.

[obsessive-ego]

Just relax

I did this for an ask awhile ago, but I cant seem to fi d the post, so whatever gonna repost it

Musical beetlejuice x reader

Reader falls asleep beej is actually soft about it.

...

It wasnt uncommon for you to just pass out, hell back when you were a student you'd nod off during most classes regardless of what time it was. As an adult you got a bit of a handle on the whole falling asleep thing, but there were still times were exhaustion and burn out will get the better of you, between work, soical obligations, emotional burn out, and keeping up with the ghoul that has claimed you as his pal, could anyone blame you for just passing out?

Beetlejuice thought it was quite odd, at first it delighted him that you trusted him enough to just nod off with him present. Once During a movie night after a hard day at work you fell asleep while leaning against the demon, and he was thrilled, if you were awake at the time you would have seen how pink he was at such a simple thing. Unfortunately once you woke up he teased you for it, "movie too boring babes?" And "if I'm so comfy how about you take me to bed with you?~".

Beetlejuice was out and about doing his thing, like he does, so you took this opportunity to enjoy some much needed quiet time, it's not like you didnt like Beetlejuice's loud personality, quite the opposite, you adored having him around, not that you had the balls to say it, but sometimes you need some time just for you.

Chilling in the living room on the couch, a hot cup of tea and a book from your ever growing 'must read' pile, you can finally relax, it's been a long week, between work being a mad house, and loads of negativity in the news, you can finally spend a few hours ignoring all of that.

Beetlejuice returning home, making a big scene, as he does, appearing in your bedroom, where you normally were around this time, smoke, lights the whole nine yards, imagine his disappointment to see you weren't there.

Slighting annoyed at his wasted entrance, he floats around your apartment looking for you, floating into the living room he freezes at the sight, his cute breather fast sleep, hunched over in the couch, looks like you were reading, book on the floor infront of you. Beetlejuice couldnt help but chuckle, your back is gonna kill if you stay like that.

The demon floats over to your sleeping form, trying his best not to wake you, as much fun as it was to scare you awake now was not the best time, he knew how burnt out you were and decided to hold back. With a snap of his fingers you were in his arms, bridal style, you hum, opening your eyes, before you could ask what was going on beej interrupts

"hey babes, sorry for wakin ya. go on back to sleep, your good ol ghost with the most is here now" it was a whisper, you didnt think he was capable of being quiet.

The ghoul holds you tight and heads to your room, in your drowsy state you weren't quite sure, but you could swear he was purring. The demon lays you down onto your bed, he sighs "ya know sweets, I dont mind keeping ya company while you snooze, if ya dont mind of course"

You hum in response, that was all the consent he needed from you, the demon slides in next to you, Beetlejuice absolutely adored the heat you gave off, he would take every opportunity to put his hands on you, this, spooning you? It's like gold, the ghoul nuzzles close, burying his face in your hair, wrapping his arms around your waist, he purrs in contentment.

"Just take it easy sugar, I got'cha"

[shhh-no-ones-home]

cold weather loki laufeyson x reader

+++++++++

i wrote this when i was sick as frick so its kind of short and sweet cause thats really the only brain power i had at the time lol. i kinda like it though. and to anyone who is sick or just tired of all this covid-19 mess, hopefully this makes you feel a little better ^.^

song: Seattle is no place for batman by this day will tell

tag list: @cynic-spirit

+++++++++

this was it, i couldnt focus, and i sure as hell couldnt get anything done. i wanted so badly to work, staying home today to catch up on things. that sadly wasnt going to be happening. i had woken up coughing and breathing heavily, not thinking much of it and getting straight to my computer. i went through three files before it got rougher, making me stop and check my fever. sure enough i had to at least have a cold, it now being escalated from my seasonal allergies. i looked at my tired eyes in the mirror of the bathroom before deciding to join loki on the couch, maybe just chilling for a bit till i felt better at least.

i trudged slowly into the living room where loki was comfortably sitting alone on the couch, drinking his favorite tea and reading the new book i had gifted him. i wish i could be that comfortable, my whole body ached. i groaned as i fell into the couch opposite loki, looking over his as he stared intently at the book. he had been reading all morning, trying not to bother me but i couldnt get anything done at this point. i really wanted to get as much work done as possible but that plan went down the drain pretty quickly. the amount of times id sneezed and blown my nose or went into a coughing fit, it was pitiful, and i was starting to annoy the both of us with it.

"i thought you were trying to be constructive today."

he said not looking away from his book. i groaned.

"i was but im sick now, i dont think i have enough brain power to actually get through any of the rest of my work."

i said in a congested tone. he just nodded and turned the page.

"do you guys not get sick or something?"

i asked, trying to breathe. he just kept looking at his book.

"no."

he said sternly. i nodded once, thinking back to the last few months he had been living with me. he had never once been even a little ill.

"right."

i said, inhaling deeply before sneezing again.

"bless you."

he said, rolling his eyes and flipping another page.

"thanks."

i groaned out, plucking another tissue from the box on the coffee table and blowing my nose.

"i almost feel bad for you."

he said, not looking up at me. i just pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped it closely around my body, shoving my feet under his thigh to warm them.

"gee thanks, that means a lot."

i said trying to keep my eyes open. then he finally turned and looked at me, brow raised.

"how often do you get sick?"

he asked sipping his tea. i just shrugged.

"only during allergy season."

he looked confused.

"when the weather changes from cold to hot and from hot to cold."

he hesitated but nodded in understanding.

"and you do this twice a year every year?"

i nodded back.

"yes."

he just hummed in response.

"right."

i raised a brow.

"what do you mean?"

i said, blinking quickly, trying to stay awake.

"getting ill because of the weather is just primitive."

i shook my head, not caring.

"sure."

he put his book down and sent me a look.

"is it not?"

i shrugged.

"i dont know, clearly you think you are the higher up here, you tell me."

i said, getting comfy, eyes shutting slowly.

"well yeah, we are far superior."

i half hummed as best i could in response before falling into a deep sleep.

---

when i woke up i wasnt on the couch any more. i was tucked deep into our shared bed, many blankets surrounding me. i blinked slowly, looking at the window, seeing the low street light pouring into the room. i coughed, groaning and rolling onto my back. i half smiled to myself seeing loki sleeping there next to me. i placed my hand gently on the bed between us and contemplated reaching out to him. i felt bad cause i didnt want to accidentally get him sick, if i even could, but i also wanted cuddles. he was so good at them when actually gets comfortable enough. i sighed.

"you might as well do it."

he said quietly and i smiled to myself, rolling to my other side and scooting closer to him, hugging him to me. i pushed my forehead into his clothed back and tried to breathe deeply. he ran his hand over mine for a second before rolling over and hugging me to him.

"do you want more medicine? i brought some in after i brought you in."

i looked up at him and nodded before coughing harshly, pulling away from him to breathe. i closed my eyes tightly and clutched at my chest, feeling the harshness building in my lungs. when i looked up again loki was standing over me on my side of the bed with the cough medicine. i sent him a bashful look in the low light and gladly took it from him.

"thanks L."

he hummed in response before kissing the top of my head and walking back around the bed to his side and sliding in.

"do you think you could fall back asleep?"

he asked, pulling the large plush blanket back up his side. i nodded.

"yeah."

i breathed out. he lifted his arm and the blanket for me to get cuddled into his side again. when i was comfortable, and stopped moving, he rested his arm gently over me, stroking my hair.

"goodnight."

he said quietly. i breathed deeply, slowly closing my eyes again.

"goodnight."

[37q]

feelings of unreality & delusion represented in this post tread carefully. ive been having nightmares pretty much every night for a while now. most of the time theyre violent, especially sexually violent. last nights wasnt, but it was still jarring. the only description necessary is that i crashed kais car and she was mad as shit. like, we were both unharmed, and as the passenger she was critical of my driving. and so she was mad about a collision / wreck that seemed avoidable. i was crying very hard in the dream.

irl kai noticed me breathing very very weird and woke me up with her fingers gently caressing my scalp, and i jerked away because i thought she was mad. the lines between dream and real remained blurred for, like, the whole day. i forgot to take my meds today too, so for some reason i had an anxious recurring thought that kai was mad at me throughout the day.

at work i was texting her once or twice, once about losing my voice from overuse and other times about being anxious about getting sat -- despite around that time being when they would cut people in my section -- and having to stay there longer, preventing me from seeing her before she went to bed. cue frownie face emotes with every text i send. when i was cut, i texted kai saying i wanted to buy something off our menu, and she responded oddly with a hard no because we had food ready at home. i pressed it, needing to satisfy my specific craving regardless of the food id also eat later. she like, started actually arguing? it was weird. and unusually aggressive. so i was like trying to negotiate more while also trying to deescalate. then she started pressing me more, like nitpickily criticizing something she noticed via evidence that i did earlier that day, something that i didnt think would be criticizable. so i kept defending myself, my thoughts spiraling and my mood plumetting because of feeling like a disappointment and annoyance and failure. i was very upset at this point, verging on inconsolable, and my chemically unstable brain had NO resilience. i drive home, thoughts getting worse and worse, fear rising in my chest like bile but the only way it manifests is minor trembling and weeping.

i get home, kai hears me try to start unlocking the door so she opens it for me, i walk in all trepid and mildly unresponsive and quiet. she asks if im ok and puts her arms around me for a hug and i just start BAWLING, like sobbing into her shoulder, hoarse "im sorry"s falling out from between my quivering lips ad nauseum, i can barely hold myself up without the support of her hug, and shes using all my fav soothing techniques to calm me down. as i start to breathe more and sob less she suggests i get changed and hop in bed so i can be comfy and get myself situated.

my bad feelings left with my tears, i guess. i was still really really sensitive, and still am. a short time later, after i said that i thought she was really really really mad at me, kai admitted that she realized too late that i thought that, based on my texts, so she backed off. apparently she was doing one of our normal faux-aggression things, the kinda thing that on a normal day id be reasonably responsive to and bantering with. but she, eventually, recognized based on my own responses that i was really starting to spiral in the face of her supposed aggression, so she cooled it.

i also told her about the dream and how it affected my day and my assumptions of the tone of her texts, and she said that it makes sense but that she was never mad at me all day in real life, no matter what her dream self acted like, but she was sorry for making it worse. that was very relieving to hear.

so, in the end, i made up everything bad that happened between us today! trying not to hate myself for it. i have a history of derealization in general and a history of, idk, my brain assuming the literal worst most violent thing out of kai based on ambiguous stimuli? like, where the hell does this trauma response come from alshflghdkfhs. anyway i just need to remind myself that i have ways to mitigate these problems and ways to cope with them when they arise, and not berate myself for feeling things.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Unexpected Arrival -5

Pairing: Eventual Bucky x Reader, Possible Steve x Reader

Summary: As if working with the Avengers wasn’t exciting enough…. an unexpected visitor is about to change your life forever.

A/N- If you would like to be tagged in this just drop my ask/message and i will add you ⭐️

Switching off the TV i got out of bed and stretched feeling my body crack in various places, i quickly checked on Evie who was fast asleep in her rocker before grabbing the baby monitor and heading to the kitchen for some tea and something to eat.

"Hey" Bucky says from the sofa startling me, it was nearly 9pm and i thought he'd still be out on his date.

"Hey" i replied quietly as i continued making my tea and grabbing some food.

"Where's Evie?"

"Sleeping in my room"

"You sure she's okay by herself...."

"She's fine" i nodded looking at the baby monitor that had a huge screen showing my sleeping baby girl "take a look for yourself" i pushed it closer to him.

"Did stark make this?"

"Of course!"

It was suddenly so quiet, you could of heard a pin drop!

"So why are you still here? Thought you had a hot date?"

"I never wanted to go on that stupid date. I kept trying to tell Sam that but you know what his like"

"Right"

"I just wanted to be here, spend more time with you and Evie. But you've been locked away in your room for hours"

"Sorry, i feel asleep" i shrugged "then i watched a movie, i didn't know you were still here and i didn't want the team fussing...." i lied, i couldnt tell him that the truth was i had been sitting in my room crying over him!! I finished making my tea and poured out a cup of black coffee for Bucky knowing he would never turn down coffee.

"Here" i gave him a quick smile as i placed the steaming hot mug on the table in front of him. As i turned to go back into the kitchen Bucky reached forward taking my hand stopping me from leaving.

"Hey...."

"What?"

"Are you really okay?"

"Im fine" i nodded forcing a smile, i could already tell by the look on his face he wasnt buying it.

"Come here" he pulled me down next to him pulling me into his side so that i was curled up against his chest "you know you can talk to me"

"You sound like Steve" i mumbled rolling my eyes.

"Steve? When did you talk to Steve?"

"Earlier, he came by to check on me"

"Oh"

"He heard me crying and let himself in i didn't invite him in"

"Crying? Why were you crying?" He asked looking down at me with worried eyes.

"Im just hormonal, I'm literally crying at everything. Im a mess right now...."

"Thats understandable after what you've been through doll, it'll get better soon. Its not even been 24 hrs yet"

"Yeah i know" i nodded in agreement giving him a small smile.

"That why you got pissy about the whole date thing?" He suddenly asked making my heart start to race.

"Honestly? I don't know.... part of me was angry that you'd even consider going on that date when i had just given birth to your daughter. Then you said you felt like you need to be here, i wanted you to want to be here for her. I don't want to feel like me and Evie are ruining your life"

"What?? Y/N how could you ever think you and Evie ruin my life??" He looked down at me like i was crazy "You have given me the best thing I've ever had in my life. I know we didn't plan for this to happen but, I'm happy it did. And I'm glad that it was with you"

My head fell against his chest in an attempt to hide the fact i was crying again!!

"Doll..... are you crying?"

"Yes okay! I cant help it!" I moaned then we both started laughing at what a mess i was.

"I should get back to Evie, i don't want to leave her alone for too long" i said finally pulling myself out of Bucky's arms.

"Can i come and say goodnight? Is that okay?"

"Of course it is, you don't need permission Buck" i smiled at him before grabbing my tea and some chips and heading back to my room.

Evie was just waking up and starting to cry when we walked into my room, Bucky was straight over there lifting her into his arms.

"There's my girl" he cooed quietly, he loved her so much already it was clear from the way he looked at her, Evie instantly curled up against his neck and started falling asleep again.

"Come and sit down with her Buck, you cant stand there all night" i nodded to the empty side of the bed. He nodded before walking over and sitting next to me, as he got comfy i started a movie on Netflix and opened my chips leaving the bag between us so he could have some if he wanted.

"If i fall asleep wake me up at 3am for her feed" i said to Bucky like it was something we did all the time.

"Sure doll" he smiled down at me before his eyes focused back on the TV.

Bucky woke me up at 3am as promised for Evie's feed, I don't even remember much of it to be honest, i felt like a zombie most of the time since having her. It became a regular thing over the next couple of days, Bucky would stay in my room with us and wake me up when it was time to feed Evie then we'd wake up cuddled up with Evie sleeping in her basket at the side of the bed. I could almost fool myself into thinking we more than two friends who had a baby together.

Waking up this morning i found myself alone in bed and Evie's basket empty, Bucky would probably be out in the common room with her letting me get some more rest. As i sat up i felt the front on my top was wet and looked down to see my breasts had been leaking!

"Really....this is just fantastic!" I groaned throwing back the covers and getting up, my breasts were hurting and feeling so full i could cry! I grabbed Bucky's hoodie that was on the back of my chair and went off to find Evie.  When i got to the common room Bucky was sat alone reading on the sofa, i looked around but there was no sign of Evie.

"Buck, where's Evie??" I asked needing to know where my baby was.

"Steve and Nat have taken her for a walk outside, trying the new stroller Tony made"

"Shit..." i muttered shifting uncomfortably "okay" i nodded before quickly heading to the room next to mine that was currently being decorated for Evie's nursery. I started rummaging through the many boxes looking for what i needed, i remember seeing one here somewhere!!

"Doll, what are you doing?" Bucky asked from the doorway, i turned to see him casually leaning against the door frame watching me.

"Looking for something....."

"What? If you tell me i can help you"

"I need the breast pump.... like now!"

"Why? Are you okay...."

"This is why!" I quickly opened the hoodie showing him my wet top, Bucky's eyes went wide and he actually blushed a little.

"i cant wait for them to bring Evie back, it hurts too much! I need to do this now"

"Okay, go wait in the bedroom i'll find it"

When i heard Bucky come back a couple minutes later i had already shed my wet top and was standing in sweatpants and my lilac nursing bra Nat had gone out to buy me.

"Shit sorry! I should have knocked" Bucky mumbled turning around quickly.

"Come on Buck its not like you haven't seen me in less" i rolled my eyes at him reaching for the box in his hand.

"My god how does this thing even work!!" I yelled getting frustrated with the damn thing.

"Let me see, just try and calm down" he said taking the pump and reading the instructions.

"I have no idea.... this is talking about nipple sizes!" Bucky said looking horrified shaking his head at me.

"Having this baby has left me with no dignity at all! pass me one of those bottles..." i pointed at one of the bottles that attaches to the pump "Bruce and Tony have literally seen everything! And now this!" I said taking the bottle from Bucky and turning my back to him while i unclasped the cup of my bra.

"Ow ow ow!" I cried as i tried to put pressure around my nipple "this is ridiculous!" My head dropped as i started crying at how hopeless i felt.

"Hey come on now, you can do this" Bucky said from behind me, i hadn't even noticed he was that close until i felt his chest against my back, his hands resting on my stomach.

"Do you want me to.... i could try and...."

"Im already humiliated Buck" i shook my head at him. I rested my head back against his chest and closed my eyes trying to calm myself down. When i felt Bucky's hands slowly moving up from my stomach to cup my breasts my eyes flew open, my heart racing.

"Bucky...."

"Shhh just relax" he whispered as his hands started to massage my breasts.... god he was good with his hands! I let my eyes fall closed again as i felt myself relaxing.

"You feeling okay?" He mumbled close to my ear.

"Yeah it feels better actually" i replied opening my eyes, i looked down to see Bucky holding the bottle in his metal hand whilst his right continued putting pressure in all the right places on my breast.....The bottle already filling slowly.

"This is so embarrassing..... i feel like a cow!" I moaned, Bucky just chuckled and kissed the side of my head "Thank you" i said quietly, as embarrassed as i was right now i was so grateful that he had helped me with this.

"No problem doll".

"You know this is a good thing, i get to help feed Evie now!" Bucky called through to me while i was in the bathroom cleaning up and getting in fresh clothes.

"I'll try and work that thing out so i can express too. That way you can feed her more"

"Thanks" he beamed at me at i came back out into the bedroom "you feeling okay now?"

"Yeah I'm good" i smiled "embarrassed but I'm okay"

Bucky pulled me into his arms and held me tight, his hands gently rubbing up and down my back.

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about sweetheart" he mumbled "we make a pretty good team you and me"

"Yeah we do. We always did though, thats how we got here Buck" i laughed thinking back to that mission in Alaska, we had been paired for that mission for that exact reason.

"Thats right, Steve said we were perfect for the job because we worked well together..... maybe we worked together a little too well" he said putting his arm around my shoulders "I mean, what are the chances that the one time i get you into bed i get you pregnant!"

"Must be those damn super sperm of yours!" I rolled my eyes at him.

"Must be" he chuckled "come on lets go find our girl".

Taglist:

@booktease21

@founding-fuck-bois

@whynot3027

@xpunishedx

@siren-queen03

[legion1993]

Thunderstorm Wedding

AN: this is for @until-theend-oftheline for Kari’s Summer challenge. Girl, hope you enjoy this cause this is all on the fly work! enjoy the rolleroaster ride! there is another AN in the story to explain how i came up with a certain part of the story. hope you like it!

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Prompt: Thunderstorm

Summery: there isnt one!

this was it, your wedding day was TOMORROW. everything prepared and ready, bows and decorations laid out for everyone to see, people from all over arriving too witness your wedding. 

oh yeah, your marrying the guy who made you fall in love with the MCU even more than you already were. you were marrying Chris Evans. 

of course this wedding was gonna be avenger themed. obviously considering who your marrying. there was gonna be an entire skit and everything. you were completely hopeful that you would have the perfect-ish wedding. 

you were at the hall with Chris going through the dress rehersal, and making sure all the decorations were in place along with props and that everyone knew what to say, when to say it, and what to do and when.

then you and Chris were dropped off at the same hotel but each of you taken to seperate rooms. Scarlet stayed with you playing cards, she knew you a little too well, this was what you had always dreamed off, to get married, to start a journey of love and passion with someone kind, sweet and amazing.

Scarlet: “what is it YN, you have that look in your eye?”

YN: “i dont know Scar, its just some nerves i guess. but weird thing is i don’t actually feel nervous.”

Scarlet: “well did you get some mojo recently?”

YN: “i did open a fortune cookie a couple days ago, it said ‘when the hammer is lifted, thunder rolls, words of affirmation finished, while the truth realized.’ i guess thats what is freaking my body out right now. and i believe i win.”

Scarlet and you both looked down at your hands. playing blackjack is fun, especially when you happen to always have an especially lucky hand. Scarlet laughed as she chugged the rest of her wine. 

Scarlet: “we should get some sleep… it will be a long busy day tomorrow.”

you and Scarlet had always shared a bed, even when she and you were roommates, it didnt matter, and no it was never anything freaky like that. it was just that she was your Best Friend and there wasnt anything neither of you wouldnt do for the other. 

so removing your house coat, you crawled into bed getting comfy while Scarlet finished turning off the lights, she crawled in beside you. cuddling together you both drifted into unconsciousness.

——————————————–

Chris however had been taken to his room by Robert. now normally this would have been something to behold for the theatrics. but it was a different situation. 

Rob: “YN seemed really stoked about the wedding.”

Chris: “i know, the only other time ive seen her like that was when i proposed. its like a massive reality spikes her adrenaline. but oh well. i guess if this goes well, the wedding of the year award will go to me & YN.”

Rob: “i suppose it will, but did you ever think about what kind of mark your wedding will leave on the community…”

Chris got up and started pacing…

Chris: “dont start an argument with me Rob, please man im getting married to an amazing girl, with you as the best man. come on bro, please just dont question this decision.

Chris and Rob after about 5 minutes each took 2 shots and went to bed knowing that it was gonna be a long and busy day.

———————————————–

Scarlet woke up shortly before you, like always she tried to give you as much sleep as possible. she checked the weather and happened to see the 79% chance of a thunderstorm starting right around the middle of the ceremony. 

Scarlet woke you up, gently and calmly. you opened your eyes fluttering them a bit before they stayed open, you sat up as Scarlet handed you your cold caffeinated cola. 

there was nothing that you imagined would ever ruin this day. it was YOUR WEDDING DAY! of course nothing could ruin the day. Scarlet started pulling out the straightener and the wedding lingerie, setting up everything and calling room service to bring you ladies some breakfast.

Scarlet: “breakfast is being made, and will be delivered soon. lets have you sit up and ill brush your hair out and place in the extensions before you go shower.”

you sat up in the middle of the bed and pulled out your laptop firing it up and making sure you have all the correct papers and such. 

YN: “Scar, what kind of day do you think this is gonna be?”

Scarlet was unsure of how to answer that question…

Scarlet: “i think this day will turn into the perfect of awesome weddings.”

you kept going through and making sure all the documents you needed to have filled out, were filled out and making sure there were backups of all the documents in case one of the things needed replacing.

Scarlet: “will you give the documents a rest? nothing is gonna go wrong. trust me. now you continue to hold still and throw on some music while i finish these extensions.”

Scarlet waited for the music to start before she started the extensions. once the music started she started to attach the extensions. there was nothing which made you happier than listening to the soundtrack of yours Chris’ love. 

this was the start of a very very long half an hour.

—————————————-

Chris woke up with Robert a few hours after you and Scarlet. this was the start of a lot of paranoia.

Robert: “how do you feel about today Chris?”

Chris: “i feel good, but if all goes well this storm will hold off till after the ceremony.”

Robert and Chris just sat in the room also ordering room service as they sat there toasting and cheering and praising each of their individual acomplishments.

—————————————–

Scarlet was finally done your hair, you went to the bathroom with your robe, lingerie and a towel. you started the shower and undressed yourself, you made your way into the tub and let the hot water maul over you for several minutes before washing your hair. 

you washed your hair, you werent used to how long it was. but that would soon be obsolete, for your mind now came to the thought of being MRS. EVENS LATER. you were now at peace in your mind. 

you finished in the shower about 15 minutes later. you got out and heard the sound of Scarlet singing out side, but you also heard your phone ringing. Scarlet of course answered it. 

Scarlet: “YN’s phone…”

Chris: “hey Scar, what would you say to me wanting to speak with my girl!”

Scarlet: “you can just give me a moment.”

Scarlet said as she saw you exiting the washroom. she handed you the phone after you sat on the bed so Scarlet could make your hair wedding worthy. the convo between you and Chris went a little like this:

—————————–

YN: “hey Chris!”

Chris: “babe, im so lucky to get to marry you.”

YN: “im lucky too, at first i wasnt sure a guy like you would ever fall in love with a girl like me but now i know this is destiny.”

Chris: “i know but this is real, and your gonna be beautiful… hows the getting ready going?”

Scarlet: “im just doing her hair now Chris… don’t worry she will be recognizable when im through with her.”

YN: “just braid my hair Scar…”

Scarlet started putting in the french braid, she also intently listened in on yours and chris’ conversation. the braid was gonna be long but thats what you wanted. 

Chris: “i missed sleeping next to you last night!”

YN: “the bed felt not the same without you… but after today we wont ever have to sleep apart again. ill see you in 2 hours babe.”

Chris: “i love you…”

YN: “i love you too..”

—————————————-

with that the call disconnected and Scarlet had just finished the braid with its own twist and accessories. a little bit of hair bling. this was it, this now was the time. it was time for the rest of your outfit. this included now fully putting on your lingerie, and your shoes while Scarlet went to pull out your Dress. 

ah yes the dress that you had picked to specifically go with the superhero theme. the one dress to rule all dresses. 

you slipped into it and smiled as the fabric slid over your skin. 

you twirled several times loving how the dress felt and looked. now you and Scarlet had to walk to the ceremony location to make it there before the guys did. 

walking down the roads the photographer followed you ladies, photographing alot of really great shots. simple ones but still capturing your beauty and elegance. 

this was how you knew today would be perfect. Scarlets dress showed her black widow side very well. which was what u both wanted, especially for the skit. the avengers may not have been real but their counters are very much like their avenger counter parts.

this was the moment when the final approach to the venue was in effect. your day was now looking up. your only goal was not tripping over anything, that was the last thing you needed. 

photographer: “how bout it ladies we get some shots in the park? like on the path and mock shots?”

you and Scarlet knew exactly what kind of shots the photographer meant. 

------------------------------------------

Shot 1: the best friend proposal!

Shot 2: the maid of honor carries the bride!

Shot 3: the double cheek kiss. 

Shot 4: the forehead mash in sunlight!

Shot 5: maid of honor releasing her best friend into the light!

Shot 6: the ‘im never letting go of my girl’!

Shot 7: out of every walk we’ve taken this one will be the most important!

Shot 8: get into position its time!

---------------------------------------

this was it, the moment that was forever to change your life, you were lining up at the end of the path behind the trees. your only worry was there were clouds in the sky, seeming like they were gonna roll on top of ya’ll and pour it all down!

Scarlet: “i see the look in your eyes don’t worry girl! your wedding will go off without a hitch. now Robert is coming back here to walk you down that isle unless you want someone else to do it.”

Robert had come round the corner just as Scarlet had finished speaking...

Robert: “you know that im the best man technically im supposed to be up there with Chris! Scarlet why dont you walk YN down that isle!”

Scarlet could only stare at you as you took a peak behind the tree at the crowd of people, the press, and the one person who made this day yours. Chris, standing at the alter, where you of course would be walking to in the next 5 minutes but first you have to make the choice of your life.

Scarlet: “what do you say girl? ready to take the most important walk of our lives... together?”

You turned to face her and Robert as you exhaled the breath you took in.

YN: “get out there Rob before you mess up the plan and be ready to switch positions when we fully get up there!”

Scarlet: “and make sure the director is ready to marry his favorite avenger and his lady!”

Robert made a salute and walked back up the isle. you got into position and waited for Scarlet to join you behind the camoflauge. you both waited for the words of the Director to begin.

Samuel: “ladies and gentlemen, fellow agents, and of course the avengers! welcome to the wedding of the century! welcome to the wedding of Chris Evens & YN! also known to the public eye as Captain America & his Lady! please rise to honor the bride as she walks her way down the isle!”

the crowd rose you locked hands with Scarlet, the camoflauge opened up, you and Scarlet made it per-tenant to step into the light! the photographer who was behind you guys captured the first look of Chris and the Crowd at you and Scarlet!

Chris’ face was totally priceless! it was like he was looking at you for the first time all over again! Samuel just smiled knowing that you and Chris were truly gonna be the wedding of the century never mind that forever....

Samuel: “i say a round of applause is in order for the beautiful Bride!”

-----------------------------------------

you walked beside Scarlet knowing that all eyes were on you, but you didnt care cause your eyes were on Chris. you were smiling all while Scarlet did everything in her power to keep you from falling flat on your face.

you and Scarlet got to your point of stopping, now it was time for the skit to begin.

----------------------------------------

Samuel: “whats wrong. are you gonna finish your journey forward?”

YN: “after i say one small thing... i discovered this a while ago but thought nothing of it. i have Stark blood flowing through my veins.”

the entirety of the avengers line-up were playing out their respected roles. 

Robert: “Steve did you know anything about this?”

Chris: “i had no idea... YN how much stark blood are we talking?”

(*Authors Note: i am writing this part as if the actors are using their roles for the speaking during the ceremony but the actors names will be the ones leading their lines... just so no one gets confused... any questions at all feel free to ask*)

YN: “im Tony’s long lost cousin on his dads side...”

the crowd went berserk sort of they started mumbling but silenced when you guys started talking again...

Hemsworth: “dont worry young one, for i Thor God of Thunder still support this union...”

Samuel: “i Nick Fury Director of SHIELD still support this union.”

Scarlet: “i Natasha Romanov still support this union.”

Mark: “i am Bruce Banner and i still whole heartedly support this union.”

Jeremy: “i Clint Barton still wholly support this union.”

the avengers gave 3 cheers and then it came down to your fiance and Robert. both of whom now approached you.

------------------------------

Robert: “after all this time, how long have you known?”

YN: “about 2 weeks, i was too scared to say anything about it. i didnt know how you would react. so i used my own skill of keeping things from people to avoid any angry situations before the wedding. im so sorry guys, ive lied to all of you... especially you Steve im so sorry, i wanted to tell you guys so badly but i knew if i did there was a chance that you guys wouldnt accept me after that.”

Robert: “i Tony Stark, humbly still support this union Cuz!”

Chris comes up to you and smiles!

Chris: “what do you say YN ready to finish the walk of our lives and make it to that alter?”

Chris of course held his hand to you and smiled when you took it, both of you now making it to the alter, Samuel now cleared his throat to continue his duties as the minister.

Samuel: “Marriage means alot of things to alot of people, but to the Avengers and to SHIELD it only means our family is growing, its expanding in more ways than one. Marriage is what unites the Hearts of Steve & YN and Marriage is what brings us all here today! now i already know how the avengers and SHIELD agents respond to this but now i have to ask everyone else, is there anyone in attendance to this wedding that objects to this marriage?”

---------------------------------------

a loud snap against the stone pathway echoed through the corridor... everyone turned to see Tom in Loki form. Chris held you while everyone else got into defensive around you guys. 

Tom: “i object to this disgusting union... ugh weddings make me sick... ah brother you need to work on your touch... that cell you all left me in was easy to escape from... now if you all would excuse me id like to get the girl and leave... so i can take all the knowledge she has inside her tiny little brain and build myself a portal back to somewhere that isnt here.”

Rob: “your not taking her anywhere, Loki! Avengers Assemble!”

Samuel: “SHIELD agents on the mark!”

Chris: “Thor can’t you do something!”

Hemsworth: “i can but if this works he will be sent to a stronger prison this time...”

Hemsworth shot his hand straight into the air and within moments a blast of thunder bolts came down from the sky... the thunder continued to rumble as the Avengers and SHIELD agents all stood guard while Samuel continued the wedding.

Samuel: “Steve & YN say your Vows we will make sure he doesnt approach any closer...”

Chris: “YN you have changed my life. you have changed my world. that day all those years ago made me realize that i had been missing out on. i love you YN i always have and i always will. i vow to on this love, honor, cherish, respect, and train with you every single day for as long as we both shall live in Sickness, in Health, for Richer, for Poorer, to Comfort you in Times of need, to Be there for you in all things, Always & Forever!”

YN: “Steve your my entire world, i wouldnt even be who i am today if it hadnt have been you id ended up falling for. i love you Steve i always have and i always will. i vow on this day to Love, Honor, Cherish, Respect & Train with you every single day for as long as we both shall live... In Sickness, in Health, for Richer, for Poorer, to Comfort you in Times of need, to Be there for you in All things, Always & Forever!”

--------------------------------------- 

Samuel pulled the rings out of his jacket pocket opening the box and holding it to you & Chris he said his next bit...

Samuel: “please repeat after me... one at a time of course... YN your gonna go first... please take Steve’s ring and repeat after me!”

you took the ring out of the box and held it to Chris’ finger... 

Samuel: “i YN...”

YN: “i YN...”

Samuel: “Take you Steve!”

YN: “take you steve!”

Samuel: “to be my husband!”

YN: “to be my husband!”

Samuel: “in life and death!”

YN: “in life and death!”

Samuel: “as an official Avenger for as long as we both shall live!”

YN: “as an official Avenger for as long as we both shall live!”

you slide the ring on Chris’ hand as Chris now takes your ring and mimics your actions...

Samuel: “now its your turn Steve. Please repeat after me! I Steve...”

Chris: “i Steve.”

Samuel: “take you YN”

Chris: “take you YN!”

Samuel: “to be my wife!”

Chris: “to be my wife!”

Samuel: “in life and death!”

Chris: “in life and death!”

Samuel: “as the most amazing avenger couple in the world!”

Chris: “as the most amazing Avenger couple in the world!”

Samuel: “for as long as we both shall live!”

Chris: for as long as we both shall live!”

----------------------------

Loki: “dont you dare finish that ceremony, or i swear i will reign hell down on the earth for as long as i shall live!”

Samuel: “it is my esteemed honor to present you both as Husband and Wife! Steve you may now Kiss your Bride!”

this of course was when Chris pulled you close and kissed you passionately! earning applause from the whole crowd! including the avengers and SHIELD agents which were not looking at you guys fully. 

then you and Chris turned your attention to Tom who was still really deep into his role.

Chris: “give it up Loki, you dont win today!” 

Loki: “thats what you think... isnt that right brother?”

Tom rose his staff to the sky, earning a loud thunder clap from above, which then turned into a lightning strike... you dove with Chris into the chairs of people who scattered, along with everyone who didnt know that something was definately fishy...

you coughed a bit after sitting up as Chris got up helping you... both of you being approached immediately by the rest of your team! Chris helped you dust off as you did him.

Chris: “are you alright?”

YN: “im fne but whoever did this is paying the dry cleaning... does anyone have any thoughts! Hemsworth, Hiddleston... what happened?”

Hemsworth: “no idea but to my knowledge id guess that it was a freak bolt of lightning...”

Tom: “id guess either what hemsworth said or our gifts and talents from our acting has suddenly become reality...”

you took one look around and then saw something out of the corner of your eye, you left Chris’ grasp and ran to the sight of the crash and dropped to your knees as it started to storm thunder, lightning, the whole entirety. 

the others of course followed you and found the symbol of the asgardian gateway on the ground where you all were once standing. 

Samuel: “i dont know what the explanation is for this but we need to re group and figure this all out and see if anything is different. lets get someplace safe first though...”

Chris: “Me and Robert will go with YN we all probably need to talk anyway... cause if im not mistaken YN when you said your first thing you were telling the truth... weren’t you?”

you couldnt form words, but was able to nod yes! 

Samuel: “we will meet at the set of the Avengers and figure all this out...”

Samuel and the others except for you, Chris and Robert left. you finally spoke after several minutes! 

YN: “my fortune cookie fortune came true... this is all my fault...”

Chris: “what did it say...”

YN: “when the hammer is lifted, thunder rolls, words of affirmation finished, while the truth realized.”

that of course is when Chris and Robert also spoke...

Chris: “for its within the thunder, disaster strikes...”

Robert: “for the world you know, is not it at all...”

You got up off the ground once more and turned to face Robert & Chris!

YN: “robert yes your my cousin, im sorry i didnt say anything to either of you... Chris i am happy we are married, but im kinda pissed that our plans got ruined. our fortunes all line up with eachother... who would seperate a prophecy into 3 seperate fortune cookies?”

Chris: “dont worry we will get answers but for now Rob do you want to say it or shall i?”

Robert: “lets not have this argument and just let YN say it!”

you faced the 2 guys most important in your life and held your hand in front of them... they placed theirs on top of yours as you smiled slightly...

YN: “Avengers Assemble!”

[the--blackdahlia]

This Life Chapter 13

Title: This Life Chapter 13

Summary: Dean Winchester is the Vice President of the motorcycle club The Hunters. After almost 7 years in prison, he's free. But things have changed and Dean has to figure out how to put things back together.

Warnings: Language, violence, character death

AN: Thank you to the lovely @sams-serialkiller-fetish ! The song for this chapter is You Could Be Mine by Guns n’ Roses. And I know Dagon is one of the princes of hell and not Alastair, but the Horsemen are an old fashion group and don’t let women into the club.

Arizona

“Fuck!” Ramiel called out as Abbadon dapped at his wounds with peroxide.

“Quit your whining.” She said, blowing a red curl out of her face. “The less you wiggle around, the faster I can get this done.”

“Those fuckers are dead!” Ramiel called out to the others sitting away from him. “They made me scratch up my bike.”

“Do you think there’s a new relationship brewing between those asshole hunters and that club that shot out Ramiel’s tires?” Alastair asked, taking a beer from Dagon. “Thanks love.”

“I say yes.” Asmodeus said, his feet up on the table as he polished an old pocket watch. His good luck charm. “Why the fuck else would those two be out here?”

“Looking for Sammy.” Azazel said. “And, if they’ve found him, we can find him.”

“And get back at the Hunters.” Lilith added as she rubbed Azazel’s shoulder.

“I don’t care what we do,” Ramiel sucked down the whiskey that was offered to him. “Those fucking Hunters are going to die. All of them. Starting with Dean Winchester.” That’s when the door opened and someone walked in.

“Am I late?” A voice asked.

“Gordon. So good of you to finally join us.” Asmodeus said, looking at his watch before snapping it shut.

“I had to lay low for a little bit. Things are getting a little heated over in Texas.” Gordon explained taking a seat. “I have information that little Sammy is in fact in that new club in California. I’ve heard some whispers.”

“Whispers aren’t good enough.” Azazel said. “We need proof.”

“I can get you proof.” Gordon said. “But I have this that you might be interested in.” He handed over a slightly blurry image that had been printed off at a library. Gordon had been doing some recon on the new club.

And his findings really did interest the princes.

“He’s alive.” Azazel said, passing around the image to everyone. “That bastard is still alive.”

“You know what they say. It’s hard to kill a cockroach.” Abbadon said, seeing the image of John Winchester.

“Then I guess we need to squish him properly.” Ramiel said. “Gather the other members. I think we need to head to California.”

****

California

Dean was passed out on the couch, drool drying on his cheek. Benny had made himself comfy on the floor. The two Hunters didn’t want to go back to their room for the night. They had stayed up talking with John most of the night. Andy had come home early in the morning to John, Dean, and Benny laughing. He didn’t stay to talk to them. Instead, he went upstairs to talk to Sam about the night at the bar and how Meg broke some guy’s nose.

But when Dean woke up in the morning, Sam wasn’t there. Andy was snoring away and John was in the kitchen making coffee. Dean shuffled into the kitchen, stepping over Benny and rubbing his eyes.

“Morning.” John said, pouring some coffee into a cup. “Want some?” Dean nodded. John slid him the cup he had just poured and made himself a new cup.

“When does Sam get up?” Dean asked. John looked at the clock on the stove.

“He should’ve actually already left by now.” John said. Dean choked a little on his coffee. “You okay?”

“Where’s he going?” Dean asked.

“Business.” John said. “He’s really good at this. I wish we could’ve convinced him to stay in the Hunters instead of going to college.” Dean just nodded and sipped on his coffee. “If you’re not going back to Texas right away, I thought that maybe Andy could show you guys around. Maybe you’d like to hang out at the bar.”

“I’ve always wanted to be a bartender.” Dean laughed.

“I’m taking the day off. Damn back is acting up.” John groaned. “But Andy would be happy to have you and Benny around. Especially if we’re going to make a partnership.” Dean nodded. They had talked about it the night before. Dean and Benny were going to have to go back to Texas, and they were going to have to tell the others that John was still alive. But John wanted to stay where he was with the Wayward Sons. He didn’t want to take the reins of the Hunters again.

Benny and Andy came in a little bit later as John and Dean were talking. John nodded at the two of them.

“Morning.” Benny grumbled, going to the coffee pot that still had a little bit left in it.

“Andy, I want you to take Dean and Benny with you to the bar today.” John said. “My back is acting up, so I’m staying home. But I want you to show off to them.”

“Yeah, sure.” Andy said. “I bet Ruby and Meg will love having them around.” John chuckled some.

“We gotta go back to our motel room and change.” Benny said. “I ain’t going near them girls again with the same clothes on.”

“Doesn’t matter. They still have to look at your face.” Dean joked, rinsing out his cup. “Drink up and we’ll head out. I’ve gotta take a piss.” Benny nodded as Dean left.

Fifteen minutes later, Dean and Benny headed back to their motel to clean up and change before they headed to the bar to meet Andy. A bar, Dean’s happy place. Someday he would leave the club and start his own bar. He sometimes wished that’s what John and Bobby had started instead of an auto shop.

****

John enjoyed the house to himself for a couple hours before Sam came home. He had been working a deal for John. He was learning how to be a great negotiator. John was really proud of him, even if he never said anything.

“Hey dad.” Sam said. “Things went good.”

“Fantastic.” John said.

“Where’s Dean?” Sam asked, going to the fridge looking for something to eat.

“Benny and him went to the bar with Andy.” John explained. Sam let the fridge door slam and he flopped down in the living room.

“As good as it is to see him, can he go back already?” Sam asked. John sighed.

“They’ll get bored and head back soon.” John said, looking at the magazine he grabbed off the floor. Sam nodded and let his eyes close.

That’s when the front door burst open and three guys ran in. John and Sam barely had time to react before bullets were flying. Sam cried out as a bullet hit his arm. John grabbed his gun that was laying on the coffee table and fired, hitting one of the guys. But someone came in through the backdoor and pointed his gun right at John’s head.

“Howdy Johnny boy.” Azazel laughed. “God, I didn’t think you’d be going into Heaven, but to still be here on earth? That’s mind blowing.”

“Azazel.” John growled. He didn’t lower his gun.

“Easy.” Azazel said. He motioned for one of the guys to switch places with him. Sam was on the couch, holding his bleeding arm as Azazel walked over and sat down by him. “Hey there Sammy.”

“Leave him alone.” John said. “This argument is between us.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” Azazel hissed. “Now, why don’t you lower the gun so we can have a nice little discussion?” Azazel pointed his gun at Sam’s stomach then. One gut shot along with the arm wound and Sam would be dead. John looked between his bleeding son and the man with the gun before he clicked the safety on and lowered his.

“What do you want?” John asked.

“I want to know how you survived the fire.” Azazel said. “My informant told me how you were hiding out in California. It wasn’t that hard to find you once I knew that. You should cover your tracks better.”

“I’ll remember that.” John said. He started to get up, but Azazel clicked the hammer on his gun.

“Sit.” Azazel growled. John sat down again. “It’s rude to get up while we’re having a pleasant conversation.” John glared at him. “Now, tell me. How did you survive?”

“I got out before it caught.” John said. Azazel nodded his head.

“So that other charred body was one of my guys?” He asked. John nodded. “Well, that justifies this then.” He pointed his gun at John and shot, hitting him square in the chest. Sam screamed.

“Dad! No!” He made to get up, but Azazel quickly wrapped his arms around his neck, putting a perfect chokehold on him. Sam struggled to get away.

“Shh, shh. Relax.” Azazel said. “It’s okay. Naptime Sammy.” Sam’s struggles became weaker until he passed out, slumping against Azazel. “Shh, it’s okay.” He petted his hair, smiling some.

“Crowley.” Azazel said, getting on of his goons attention. “Go bring the van around so we can put Sam here in it. And that body.” He pointed over at the dead goon laying on the ground.

“What about him?” Crowley asked, motioning to John.

“Leave him. I don’t care what happens to him now.” Azazel said. “I got what I was after.” Crowley nodded and left to get the van. Things went quickly, even though it took three guys to load Sam in. Azazel and the others got on their bikes, ready to leave. Crowley was the last one out. He looked around at the broken in door, the blood, the chaos.

“I...I guess that’s what we do.” He mumbled to himself. He looked over at John and saw a little bit of chest movement as he sucked in shaky, shallow breaths. He knew he wasn’t going to survive unless something drastic happened. But he doubted that anyone was going to show up in the next twenty minutes or so to save him.

Crowley always carried markers and pens with him in his vest pocket. A lot of times, they would have to write something and he had seen one of the princes stab some poor kids fingers to get blood to write with. So he took to carrying writing utensils to save not only himself, but some of the others from being stabbed. He took one of those makers and wrote Horsemen in big letters on the wall. Because killing John was one thing, but kidnapping Sam was something else entirely.

Crowley ran out of the house then and headed back to Arizona, leaving John there to die.

****

It was later that afternoon when Benny and Dean returned to the house. Dean wanted to have lunch with Sam, and Benny was willing to tag along. They parked their bikes by the porch and Dean saw Sam’s sitting there.

“Good, he’s home.” Dean laughed. Benny smiled and they made their way up the porch when they noticed that the front door was wide open. Reacting, they grabbed their guns from their waistbands and made their way inside. They could smell the metallic tinge of blood. That’s when Dean’s eyes locked on the chair that held his dad’s body.

“Dad!” Dean yelled, running over to him. His head was slumped forward and his shirt was soaked in blood. “Dad!” He shook him, his head just rolling to the side. “Oh god.” He looked around and saw blood on the couch and blood on the carpet. “Sammy?!” Dean called out, but the house was silent.

“Dean.” Benny said, pointing at the wall Crowley had wrote on.

“I’m going to kill them.” Dean growled. “I’m going to kill them all.”

“We need backup on this one.” Benny said. “I’m going to make a couple calls but we will fix this.” Dean nodded and looked back at his dad. He was really dead this time. No smoke and mirrors this time.

But now, Dean was free from prison, and the Horsemen needed to be dealt with, once and for all.

Forever Tags: @anathewierdo @i-would-die-for-woodland-demars @dekahg @nanie5 @feelmyroarrrr @marvel-af @imboredsueme @gemini0410 @aiaranradnay @babypink224221 @mogaruke @xxwarhawk

Dean Winchester/Jensen Ackles Tags: @luciathewinchestergirl @sheris532 @bobasheebaby @flamencodiva @bella-ca

This Life Tags: @soulslaststand @jamielea81 @caplansteverogers @becs-bunker @supernaturalwincestsblog @colie87

Supernatural Tags: @bandobsession98 @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @fangirlsencyclopaediaofweirdness @ilovetardis @missihart23

[fanfiction-mania]

I Didnt Ask For This (Chapter 2)

P.o.v Rydel

We are in the middle of watching big hero 6 and I’m cuddled up between both my older and younger brothers and if I’m being honest, in my 21 years of life and Rocky’s 20 we have never done this. To be honest though I really hope this isn’t the last time this happens because its incredibly comfortable. I mean really I don’t think I would care if it were a different combination of my brothers but that doesn’t really matter right now. All that matters at the moment is that I’m incredibly comfortable and that I could fall asleep at any given moment. I looked up at rocky and he seemed quite invested in the movie. I looked down at Riker and he looked as if he were already asleep which wouldn’t surprise me because every single time we have a movie night he’s always, and when I say always I mean absolutely always the first to fall asleep. It’s kind of cute though because he kind of snuggles up like a puppy. All of a sudden I could feel myself drifting ever so slowly into a peaceful sleep.

P.o.v Riker

I find it kind of odd how I’m in my sister’s arms instead of her being in mine but I then again I don’t really care for two reasons. One being because if I did then that would be stupid because it would kind of be as if I thought that gender roles matter but really they don’t and everyone should know that. Anyways… I’m lying very comfortably in my sister’s arms while she is in our brother’s arms and as a whole we are just very comfy like this. I don’t know about rocky and Rydel but I really hope that even though this is only the first time the three of us have done this that its not our last because I am enjoying this very much. With that thought I snuggled into my sister and I fell asleep.

P.o.v Stormie

As a family we were watching big hero 6 and it is really really good so far although I’m kind of upset that Tadashi died in that explosion but other than that it is an awesome movie so far. All of a sudden my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of light snores, and of course as I expected, it’s Riker. It wasn’t until then that I noticed that he was in rydel’s arms at the same time that Rydel is in Rocky’s. OH MY STARS! THIS IS TOO PRECIOUS! I internally gushed over the sight of three out of five of my children. “pst, Mark, look” I said pointing to Riker, Rydel, and Rocky. “I’ll go get the camera!” He replied just as quietly as I had spoke. After that Mark got the camera and took a picture with the flash on since the room was dark. I’m kind of shocked that non of them woke up from that, although it did catch the attention of Ross, Ryland, and Ellington for all of two seconds. they were literally so into the movie that they must have just drowned out our talking completely and just devoted their full attention to the movie. I know that I would have done the same if my kids werent being so gosh darn cute right now. Anyways after that we almost had to pause the movie because apparently Mark and I caused a commotion but not quite enough to disturb the others too badly.

P.o.v Rocky

I kind of brushed off the fuzzy feeling because for some reason there was something about it that I knew wasnt good but I kind of just wanted to enjoy the moment so I just brushed it off and snuggled into my sister just a little bit more. During the movie I guess Riker Rydel and I fell asleep because After the movie was over the three of us woke up to find that our phones were going off like crazy. I checked my and Instagram to find that I was tagged in a picture by my mom.

“@stormielynchr5: My wonderful husband @marklynchr5 took this adorable picture of our three oldest children @rikerr5 @rydelr5 and @rockyr5 after they fell asleep while watching Big Hero 6”

After that a bunch of fans replied saying it was adorable that we could do that without feeling awkward about it.

P.o.v Ryland

Earlier when we were watching Big hero 6 I was just totally zoned out until I had seen a huge flash from the corner of my eye because it startled me. I looked over and dad was taking a picture. I wasn’t exactly sure what of though because I couldn’t see everything over there very well due to the darkness and the angle I was on. I would have gotten up but if im bering brutally honest one of the reasons I didn’t is because I’m being lazy but another reason is because it would probably cause a commotion so now I think I’ll check it out which will be easy because knowing mom she most likely put it on instagram. With that I pulled out my phone and opened up the instagram app. Of course just as I suspected there is a picture of Riker in Rydel’s arms while at the same time Rydel was in Rocky’s arms and they are all just sleeping like that. It’s actually really cute ,but kind of weird because It’s almost like they are in a three person relationship due to the way the three of them interact from time to time.to be completely honest I would tell them but I just don’t have the heart to because the brother sister relationship the three of them share is really cute. I mean the three of them are even closer than Ross and I are even though Ross and I are really close.

P.o.v Ross

I am not quite sure if i’m the only one in this family who noticed this but I noticed that over the past while the sibling relationship between Riker, Rocky, and Rydel has seemed to be a little bit abnormal for three siblings. I mean I understand that even for a family we are a bit closer than average but I kinda feel like they have crossed a line a little bit. To be honest right now my mind is really just all screwed up. Maybe if I talk it through with someone. Maybe Ryland. Right then Ryland walked by. “hey Ry Ry, can I talk to you for a second?” I asked. “Yeah, sure!” he replied without even a hint of hesitation. “So what’s up?” He asked me. “Well have you ever noticed how oddly close Rocky, Riker, and Rydel are?” I asked him hoping he knew what I meant and to my luck he understood. “Yeah its almost like the three of them have feelings for each other… Like some fucked up love triangle…” He said. “Oh my god, It’s not just me! I totally thought I was imagining things!” I said. Ryland’s eyes lit up as if he has an idea “well maybe we can talk to them about it and after us two talk things out like whether we are cool with the whole situation we could try to set them up and get Ellington in on it too” Ryland said. A mischievous grin appeared on my face. “Sounds like a plan.”

[suteshiro]

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

Open, kinda? My closet is built into a wall and one of the sides has like, shelves I use often so it’s just open for accesibility

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

Nope! I got nerfed, honestly. I’d look lovely with freckles

(3) Can You Whistle?

Hahaha nope,

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

Night of Fire bc im listening to an eurobeat mix while working on a school assignment skjfvnskjfv last song I Willingly listened to is The Hearse by matt maeson which fucking slaps

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

Probably purple!

(6) Relationship Status.

Single

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

18 celsius/64 fahrenheit. pretty average but for some reason im cold

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

Nope! I woke up feeling wonderfully actually

(9) How Many Followers?

404. Very nice number

(10) Zodiac Sign.

I’m a scorpio and a dragon :3

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

Brown!

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

I do not, though I used to and might start again, who’s to say

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

Not rlly. I shower listening to music and I have a lot of trouble singing along to things im hearing for some reason skfnvskfjb

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

I’m too embarrassed to say publicly which one im reading now skjvnskfjb i kinda wanna read some cute cheesy romance in the nearby future

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

I grabbed the first lotr book and gottt

“Ah,” said Ted, “ you hear them, if you listen. But if I wanted to listen to old lady tales and childish legends, I’d stay home”

(Translated a bit roughly bc my physical books are mostly in spanish

(16) Favourite Anime?

You cant ask me thatt skjfvnklabmksfjb It might be Violet Evergarden? It’s the only anime that’s really made me cry

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

I think I cried in front of my mom at some point recently while pretending i wasnt crying

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

Notebooks skfnskfsnb I just think they’re neat

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

havent Lunched yet, dont scold me

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

I’m rarely in cars and they’re usually not mine

(21) Favourite Animal?

Coatimundis pretty...... and adorable

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

Nope

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

I try to go to bed a bit before midnight but im needy and like talking to my friends so its usually around 2am

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

Nope! I p much never do that

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

Both have their pros! I think I tend towards pools bc as a rule they dont rlly have like, annoying consequences

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

@yournewapartment​​ keeps popping up in my dash with good advice and nice stuff and i appreciate it

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

Bottled waterr the tap water in my building is weird and doesnt seem very safe to drink and by now i hate the taste skjvfnkjn

(28) What Makes You Happy?

My friends, comedy shows, reading good fanfiction, writing fanfiction, drawing my characters, reading about others’ characters, giving gifts, the smell of roses, fairy pokemon, butterflies-

I like being happy

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

Im not really a Keeps Gifs That Convey Emotions kinda guy

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

Depends a lot skjvfnskfjvn my brain keeps switching

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

Very hard questions,,, I think I tend towards dogs bc they’re like me. Big. Excitable. Needy.

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

Purble.,......

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

PlayStation

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

I have been in the ocean before and idk how much i liked it but sure id do it again. A lake sounds fun!!

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

I practice it!

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

Red

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

I’m not sure what exactly this is asking

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

I like saving money skjfnvksjv I rarely think of things to spend it on

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

Ye! There’s a bag I use to keep my chargers in it when im outside. it has flower pictures. very pretty

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

Love Live,,,,, and now my character Curiosity bc @zuramaru​​ is an angel and running a campaign he’s in and we played yesterday and holy shit theres a lot going on

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

Oh yes!! this one time I was in a place absolutely full of butterflies and I caught one between my cupped hands and it stayed there when I opened them and it was a wonderful experience

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

Ya,, I do the fawning thing so I tend to agree with other people by default, lest we have any kind of conflict

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Oh yes, most of the dreams I remember are. bizarre

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

Yeah!!! Only done it twice but it was a blast

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

Inside Out fucking got to me

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Peanuts,,, I don’t like sunflower seeds. I mean they’re tasty but. Too much effort for too little reward

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

Uuuuh, FOB probably

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

Not really, but also yes? I have a few things I absolutely refuse to put in my mouth

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

Perhaps? I’m not very hard to wake up but I can sleep through a lot of stuff

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

Nah I fucking love it

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

Yes!! I think I would actually like to become a writer. Not sure tho

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

Yea but only when I’m really into it. Like, usually I’m listening to stuff and the volume tends to low but then there’s this One song and I turn it up all the way until it’s over

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

Wrap presents, I’ve never carved pumpkins before skjfvnskjfv seems like a hassle and I’d feel bad for not making it look nice

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

Haven’t you noticed (I’m a star) from Steven Universe

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

Winterr

(56)What Are You Craving Right Now?

Choclet........

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

Here you go!

(58) What Is Your Gender?

Solarian!

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

I’m a tea guy!

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

I’m helping translate an entire thing about the way emails work, its a bit of a hassle skjfvnsf

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

Uuuuh I’ve been questioning but im mlm and also into nb people

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

Yeah! Makes me feel accomplished and sexy

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

SYLVEON SYLVEON SYLVEON

(64) Favourite Social Media?

Absolutely Tumblr. Unless you count Discord as a social media

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

I don’t use. Instagram. But sure they’re neat

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

A little. Usually when I travel I’m either at a place I hate or at a place where I don’t have commodities I do have at home skjfnskjfb so I miss my room

(67) Are You A Virgin?

Yup

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

Uuuh I’m using a Head & Shoulders shampoo I believe? WIth no conditioner bc my hair is real short now and conditioner tends to feel weird

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

Well you see I would choose the crappy motel but 60 bucks seems a bit unattainable so sure, let’s stay in my car

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

Nope, father is Dead

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

I’m not interested in anything, honestly

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

“If I could make days last forever, if words could make wishes come true, I’d save every day like a treasure and then, again, I would spend them with you”

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

There’s this like. Really nice honey color

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

I loved swinging! I still do but I’m. Self conscious about my weight and scared of breaking something

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

Some pastries for breakfast

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

20B wives, My sweet angel is a real angel, BitLife, Buriedbornes, Cardinal Quest 2, Crazy 8, Egg Inc, FarmVille 2, Fire Emblem Heroes, Gardenscapes, Get bigger! Mola, Homescapes, Human Resource Machine, Kept Man Life, Love Live, Mermaid Evolution, My Little Star VIP, Piano Tiles 2, Plague Inc, Pocket City, Pokémon GO, Puzzledom, SmithStory, Soul Knight, Tap Knight, Tower Breaker

To be clear quite a few of these stay there completely untouched

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

What kind of question is this???

I mean I don’t know CPR but if I could yeah???

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

… listen,

right now ive only been on my computer for like an hour or two but yeah ive done that,

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

I don’t think so?

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

Yyyyes and no. I’m a bit awkward but I like people

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

Oh!! I wear this really pretty crown shaped ring but idk where I left it

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Closed closed closed I haaate when my bedroom door is open

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

Talk with friends, make some tea, read? I haven’t done a lot today skvnskjvn

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

Comfy shirt and sweatpants

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

What’s a beauty?

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

uuuh both? hard to answer??

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

Well, we’ve already clarified what I have on my phone skjfnskjfb

THe only games I know I have on console are Mortal Kombat Armageddon, Devil May Cry 3 special edition, and Okami. Oh! And God of War. I think at least the first and second. Were there more than two?

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

Nah

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

I don’t like fizzy drinks, they make my throat hurt

But Fanta is nice

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

Melodic voices singing, the rain, absentminded humming, small clicking noises...

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

Jeans! I have very few but I’ve grown fond of them. Used to wear yoga pants pretty exclusively before

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

Gorgeous, of course

Skjvnskfjvn I’m still wearing the clothes I used to sleep

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

Ghibli movies

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

A star map on my back!

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

Right now I think that’s John Wolfe. But I like quite a few

[kittengiacalone11]

A Major Milestone

So a little over a year ago I hit rock bottom. I was battling crippling anxiety and depression and I was fighting for my life. To make a long story short and to be brutally honest I hit a point where I was suicidal for a solid week. I laid in bed for days too terrified to move a muscle out of fear of myself essentially and not trusting myself to get up because I didn't know if in a split second of a moment I’d decide to do something... rash... So there came a moment when my muscles ached from laying tense in bed for days gripping the the blankets that I had cocooned around me just barely hanging on, the pain inside, the noise in my head, the just overall reality of my situation became too much for me and I just didn't want to fight anymore, I was too tired and it wasn't worth it because there was not foreseeable end to that current bout of depression. I had lived 22 years and had only gotten worse, my life was going to be cycles of me being okay and then getting hit with crippling bouts of depression that would hijack my life and make me incapable of ever holding down a real job or finishing school or being able to have a family. Like how could I ever have children if I was constantly at risk of abandoning them for weeks on end because I couldn't get out of bed? I didn't want to live with that quality of life and I didn't want to depend on medication because it made me feel like a zombie. I wanted to either get control of my life back or I didn't want to be alive anymore. It sucked because I saw in that moment all the good things I would miss and I knew that there would be good things but that just wasn't enough if I had to ever go through what I went through at that time ever again. I didn't know what was going to happen to me at that point and I kind of just accepted whatever was to come. Every night before I fell asleep I prayed that I just wouldn't wake up. Every morning that i woke up I would come to with such disappointment and dread at the thought of trying to get through another day. I remember laying there and really debating doing it and how I wanted to do it if I did... This wasnt just pondering the idea anymore, this was actually beginning to consider this as a real option and how I could bare to do it. I was a coward after all and didn't know if I would be able to do it if it came down to it so I actually sat in my bed at one point in my life and thought about how I could pull it off and in the least traumatic way for my family. After all my loved ones had been the only thing that had kept me alive at some points in my past... I would lay there in agony but I couldn't hurt them by killing myself. But at 22 I just couldn't do it anymore, I just couldn't keep going, I was too tired and broken and lost and alone. If you want to know what my conclusion was, well I was prescribed Xanax and I was just going to swallow my entire script that I was about to be able to refill in a day or two and I would just fall asleep and slip into that darkness that seemed so welcoming and final. I would finally get to rest and I would finally not feel so exhausted and defeated and just run down. So the day came when I got my prescription refilled and I just stood there in my room with the bottle in my hand staring at it. I was home alone because my boyfriend that lived with me was at work or class or something, I don't really remember, I just know I had a couple hours to myself. The apartment was quiet, the tv was off, there wasn't any music like there usually was. It was just peacefully quiet. I remember the sun was coming through my bedroom window, it was spring because I remember the grass being bring green, but there was also snow still. I   remember the room pretty clearly, its exact layout, the sound of birds outside and kids playing behind my apartment building. I remember the white walls were bright and almost cheerful... it was actually an almost pleasant moment when I took it in. I could almost enjoy it because I felt like this huge burden had been lifted since I had made up my mind and I didn't have to worry about fighting anymore, I didn't have to hang on for much longer. I just kind of stood there for what felt like a small eternity just kind of taking it all in one last time. I remember tears falling down my face but I don't remember actually crying, I can't even remember if I felt sad or if they were tears of joy and relief. I just remember the sun and my favorite tree out back and how it was finally green again. I remember the how the sunlight felt warm on my legs and how it was nice because it had been so cold all winter. I kind of forgot what was going on for a brief moment and got caught up in just observing everything. I realized that I hadn't actually looked at anything directly and in detail in what felt like months. I had been living in such a haze, so trapped inside my head that everything just would go by in a blur as somehow operated on autopilot. I couldn't even remember what I thought about so intensely in all that time, it was just like that time was gone. I remember suddenly feeling really tired and so I laid in my bed and I snuggled up in my blankets and I got as comfortable as I could and then I set the pill bottle down on my fuzzy nightstand next to my bed and began preparing myself mentally for what I was about to do. I suddenly realized that I had forgotten to get a glass of water and I couldn't swallow an entire bottle of pills without a drink and my mouth was dry as it was because I was dehydrated.  I was so comfy and I had been suddenly overtaken by exhaustion which was a normal those days and I just didn't want to get back up and walk all the way to the kitchen and then get the glass down and then fill it and then walk all the way back. To me at that time, that was exhausting, that task felt like normal people doing a mile run at the gym and then lifting for an hour or so. I decided to take a nap and then I would... Literally that is how I fell asleep, I never even finished that thought. I woke up sometime a few hours later and I remember feeling distinctly different. The sun was still up and Tyler was just getting home and it felt like a fuzzy veil had been lifted from over my head and like I took the first deep breath in like months... I knew that my bout had just passed and that I had came out on the other side and that I would actually start to feel somewhat normal again and that things would improve to some degree, which was a relief. I remember telling Tyler that it had passed, I was really excited about it because I hadn't spent time with him in weeks and I just wanted to go do all sorts of things and just have fun. Then he left the room and the pill bottle next to my bed caught my eye and I couldn't believe that I had forgotten that just hours ago I had made a decision to empty it down my throat and I sat down on the bed sort of transfixed on the bottle in the strangest headspace. I could not believe my depression broke literally within moments of me calling it quits. I couldn't believe that I was one glass of water away from missing this moment of relief and tinges of actual real happiness for the first time in weeks. But I also knew that I would eventually end up back in the depth of that darkness again, not really alive, just merely existing as I hung on for the ride, waiting at its mercy for it to pass. That didn't seem like something I could bare to accept. I couldn't go through it again, even feeling happiness and al that weight lifted didn't change the dread I felt as I saw the life I had in front of me. I knew that if I didn't still follow through, that someday in the near future I would do it anyways, I really had nothing to live for in my current state. I sat there forever just thinking about what I wanted. I was torn because I did want to go out of the house and get some fresh air and do something fun with Tyler but I also didn't want to lose the courage I had to finally go through with it. So I went to the bathroom and locked the door. I turned on the vent fan so that I didn't have to worry about Tyler hearing me or walking in. I knew if I was in the bathroom Id have an hour or so before he bothered me. I just sat on the toilet seat holding that little orange bottle in both of my hands unmoving. I wasn't thinking anymore I was just blankly staring at it. That right there was rock bottom for me... I could not possibly get any lower than hiding in my bathroom by myself, locked in a staring contest with my fate, which materialized as a bottle full of Xanax that I held between both of my hands. I remember holding it, cupped in my hands like it was a baby bird or something delicate. It was heavy and light all at the same time. It carried weight more than just its mass and it took on a life of its own and the two of us just sat there looking at each other unable to break from the trance. I heard Tyler walk into the bedroom and grab something and then walk back out and down the hallway and into the living room. He had no idea what was going on on that other side of the bathroom door. He had no idea that his life could suddenly change at any given moment and would never be the same again, he was happy that I had seemed to be coming around and was actually not worried about me for the first time in days... But that was when he should have been the most worried. I just felt the fate of everyone I knew hanging in the balance along with my own and that everything would change for so many people forever and they would never cope with it completely their entire life. I remember the bathroom rug was the first thing that I noticed. Not seeing it but feeling it under my feet. I remember scrunching my toes and slowly beginning to animate the rest of my body and finally standing and breaking my gaze from the bottle in my hand. I knew I had chickened out. I knew I lost my chance. In a weird very numb action, I opened the door to the bathroom sink and set the bottle underneath and walked out of the bathroom as if nothing had happened and joined Tyler in the living room. We went to the school that day and walked around the campus enjoying the weather... We laughed and we fooled around and we kissed each other a lot and held hands the whole time and it felt so nice to feel connected to him again. I had almost lost him that time and I loved him so much I just was so happy to feel him next to me and see him smile and his beautiful blue eyes. We went home and we had sex for the first time in months and then we laid in bed holding one another watching Netflix. He drifted to sleep and in that moment I decided that I would give life ONE last shot... that if I ended up back in that dark hole again that I would just end it without a second thought that time. But i also decided that I was going to devote my life to trying to figure out how to beat this thing. I wasn't going to see a therapist, I wasn't going to take medicine, I was going to dedicate my time to researching coping techniques and how your brain worked when you were having anxiety and depression and anything that I could think of or find that could help me figure out how to learn it and understand it and manage it in a healthy way. I decided that I was going to fight for a normal life which was something I never dreamed was attainable, but I decided it was either find a way to live a normal life or... well we know what my resolution was. That was the scariest decision I have ever made, choosing to live, choosing to take on my mental illness head on (no pun intended) and that I was going to live for Tyler and be the girl he deserved instead of this shell of a person that I had become. I was going to give up adderall and xanax because it was becoming a real problem at that point and I was going to beat this or die trying... 

With that being said, I tell you this story because I sit here, a little over a year and half later and I know in my heart that I did it. I just went through a break up with Tyler and my life got flipped upside down and I was left unsure where to even begin to pick up the pieces and I was afraid of how I would handle it, but I actually got through the saddest thing that I have ever been through fairly healthily. I didn't self medicate on any extreme level, I actually gave away most of my Adderall so that I wouldn't have it at my disposal in a weak moment. I was a mess and I was so lost and broken but I processed everything and I spent a lot of time writing and feeling and checking in on myself and getting sleep and trying to start just living my new reality one day at a time. Two months later and I realized I have actually been really happy the last week and I am falling in love with someone new and they are incredible and I got myself my own place with roommates that I adore and that I am actually capable of taking care of myself for once. I did it.. I realized sitting in my house alone today that I made it and that is everything. No one on Earth will ever know how far Ive come in just under two years besides Tyler and he is no longer around to celebrate with me. I am the only one who understands the immense meaning of this exact moment and it will be brief. But to know that I can finally have some real confidence in myself and in my future is something I've never felt. I can actually have dreams, at 24 years old I finally have my life back and get to live my second chance and its overwhelming... 

Mental health awareness has become something that I am a very passionate advocate about. Im no longer afraid to say that i struggle with depression and anxiety because what I have done, what I have accomplished, no one can take that from me. Nothing anyone says could ever make me feel insecure about what I deal with because what I did was so incredible all I feel is pride. This is actually the first time I have told my story in full detail of the moments that I actually debated taking my life and I hope that maybe, by sharing this very personal and very intimate part of my story that maybe someone will see that its okay to talk about it. You don't have to share your story with the world, but if you are struggling, just reach out to one person and tell just one person that you need someone. Don't be afraid, if I had told just one person during all of that that I needed help I can't imagine what might have happened, I can't imagine how much easier it may have been for me. Maybe by sharing this someone won't have to suffer like I did. No matter what, I will from here on out be part of the solution instead of hiding and being part of the problem. Anxiety and depression are so common you wouldn't believe how many people suffer in silence, you're not crazy or broken or unlovable, you're more normal than you think and it doesn't have to be so lonely. If you are reading this and you're struggling and you desperately need a friend, please don't be afraid to reach out to me. I promise this is a safe space and I will gladly do whatever I can to help you. You are not ever alone. I am proof that you can really have a normal life, you just have to want it and the rest is possible. I will gladly share what research I have found and what techniques worked well for me. I can't promise you the secret to unlocking the mystery to what you're dealing with, but i can tell you how I began my journey of self-healing and self-love. 

I love you readers, thank you for taking a moment to read this entire post and hear my story. I would be honored to hear yours, if you wanted to share. I hope to start a discussion with this post, but if not here then eventually I will keep telling this story until people start to talk about it. Let the change begin here and  help me be the difference we want to see in the future. 

XOXO

-Kitten

[notfunny-justdeadontheinside]

02/09

The plan came about, a week in advance, to enjoy an evening at a popular spot in town with my best friend and a couple other people who i didnt mind being around. I decided, like an idiot, to invite this guy (let’s call him Rick) to the the place thinking that i might get a chance alone with him and something might develop between the two of us. Instead i receive a text message asking if he can bring his GF along (insert rolling eye emoji here). Yep, he has a girlfriend. Now i know what this sounds like, and i already feel like a douchebag of a person but let me explain. He and i, were friends for a long time, and that’s all it was, JUST friends, but circumstances changed and i found myself falling in love with him. There’s this undeniable chemistry between the two of us and he gets my humor, the music on his phone is majorly made up of the music I send him (which is like a big thing to me, coz if you can like my weird taste in music then you must be really amazing). There’s so much that i could say about how right we are for each other, but none of really matters because he already has a GF, had he just been patient, we would have eventually found the way to each other. So back to Saturday night plans, in chronological order : I convinced my mum to let me use the car, so in the one car there was my BFF, her BF, and our other friend, Rick and I. Whenever we drive long distances, i let Rick drive the car. Around 7pm i went to his house to pick him up(i wasnt fully dressed - i was gna change at my BFF’s house). He was still eating so he invited me down, his mum was also there and she is the cutest thing ever. From what i gathered, she likes me :D. So yay me, maybe his mum will put some sense into him. After i picked him we went to pick up my other friend and then went to my BFF’s house. I changed my clothes when i got there, i wore this body hugging woolen dress with black stockings and these beautiful pair of heels that made me look hella bomb, and my make up wasn’t over done. I normally don’t use tight fitting clothing because i like to dress comfy for campus, so this was the first time him seeing me in something so tight. His exact words were “Wow” when i walked into the room he was sitting in, and of course i couldnt help but grin. We spent about 2 hours  sorting out things before we left i.e the alcohol and the route and who’s going in whose car. When we were walking to the car, he looks at me and says really softy that my eyes look really beautiful :D. I pretended like i didnt hear. He drove the whole way there and was in sitting in the passenger seat of course (grin) and we had our usual back and forth convo, like in our own little bubble. It was nice until we got to the place and he had to go meet his GF, none of us like her (lol) we didnt want her there. But we couldn’t really say anything, we got a table inside, at the back while we waited for the rest of the entourage to show up. We then ordered a hookah and two “fish bowls” which were hella expensive. The whole time she was there, she clung onto him like a leech, i think she did it mostly to mark her territory, but the funny thing was that he kept on talking to me unnecessarily or asking me things unnecessarily and in all honesty, i was there to have a good time and not have him test my patience with the sight of him and his clingy GF. Oh and btw (lmao) she came in jeans and a checkered shirt, SO underdressed (hahaha). I hope she felt out of place. Eventually   we decided to go on the dance floor and jesus fucking christ, she couldn’t dance to save her life (hahahaha) whereas I, can dance your pants off, i didnt even think about them  being there, i just enjoyed the music and let the alcohol take over. The DJ who was playing, played really shittely(?), and my feet started paining due to my incredibly high heels so i left and sat back at our table. After a while they all followed. We didnt go back to the dancefloor after that. However, we did decide to go to my car and drink the bottle of SKYY vodka we had :D, once we got to the car, we all(my BFF, her BF, her BFF, Rick and his GF) agreed that it wasn’t as grand as we thought it would be, so we decided that we want to get some McDees and then hit another club somewhere else. The problem, however, was the GF was only leaving at 1am, so we had to wait and hour before we could actually leave (insert annoyed face here). Anyway we waited, while Rick and her went back to dance, and we took out pics in the car to pass the time. Eventually after she left, we got to McDees, ordered the food, took some pics with some randoz and then sat down while we waited. He and I sat together obviously, and he was telling me about his GF and how this guy, who’s really good friends with her wanted to have coffee with her and whatnot, and im just like, why are you telling me this, what are you getting at. Like, was he trying to insinuate that things are not going to well between the two of them or something. Anyway, the food arrived and i didnt feel like eating, i knew that if i had a full meal i would’ve thrown up. But he insisted on feeding me fries (blush face here). After we ate we decided to go to the beach just to walk on the sand. But when we got there and they got out of the car, they realised it was too cold so they wanted to back in the car, Rick and i carried on to the pier though, it was really nice, he kept trying to put his hand around me or trying to hold me in some manner, just to get his hands on me (lmao). Eventually we got to the end of the pier and he kept on gesturing things, except leaning in to kiss me :( its no mystery as to why he didnt :( (rolling eyes). We left the beach and were en route home when we made a pit stop at the garage and he made the comment “the pier was beautiful, just as beautiful as the company that was with me” and i was just like aww, i didnt say it out loud but i smirked at him. I convinced him to come to my BFFs house because it would be just us, like Rick and I and my BFF and her BF. We ended up watching a movie and he and i were on the same couch so i put my legs on top of his and we had this blanket covering us, so he put his hands under the blanket and on my legs and was sort of being a tease. He eventually fell asleep on my side, i took this as an opportunity to play with his hair which i luurrve to do when a guy has a good amount of hair on their head :D. We eventually ended up spooning (lolol) I hardly slept and probably looked like crap but he didnt seem to mind. Around 6am he woke up and went out on the balcony to smoke, my BFF called me to come look at he sunrise becuase it was beautiful AF. But it was also hella cold, so i went out and then came back into the house to get a blanket, and wrapped myself in that, and then went outside where it was just the two of us, he take half the blanket and wraps the both of us in it and puts his hand around my waist and pulled me close into his chest, i was hoping for a kiss, but again the hesitation at the back of his mind :(....