#but then again i cant tell if it's because people just use templates for everything

[attackoneyebrows]

sometimes i feel like tiktok popularized after effects in such a weird way that makes almost zero sense to me like most people are just using it for some transitions or text effects (which btw can be done entirely in premiere pro and faster) and completely overlooking the really cool motion tracking / masking / comprehensive list of visual effects it can produce which is kinda the intended purpose

[alixanonymous]

How A Demon Commissions An Angel ~ A Daminette FanFic ~ Chapter 2: A Search For Continuance

From the phone of Damian Wayne: 

Chat Name: Father

Father: Have you come up with any ideas for Christmas?

Me: Yes, Father. I assure you I will not disappoint you.

Father: Damian, this isn’t a mission. 

Chat Name: The Only Sane One

Me: Alfred, I’ve hit a bit of an obstacle in Operation Christmas.

The Only Sane One: Indeed, Master Damian? What seems to be the problem?

Me: The designer I hired is being unreasonable.

The Only Sane One: How so?

Me: She’s refusing to work with me.

The Only Sane One: I see. Why is that?

Me: She doesn’t like how I talk to her.

The Only Sane One: Master Damian, I trust you have remembered your manners.

Me: Yes, Alfred. Of course.

Me: The thing is I was a bit… blunt.

The Only Sane One: Indeed?

Me: Yes…

The Only Sane One: I see. It seems an apology is in order.

Me: I suppose.

Me: So how does one go about apologizing?

The Only Sane One: I would suggest cutting back on any bluntness, admitting fault, and a request for forgiveness and continuance of service.

The Only Sane One: You may also find added incentive to be particularly effective, perhaps offer aid in some way or a favor.

Me: I see.

Me: Thank you, Alfred.

The Only Sane One: Of course, Master Damian.

Google Search History: 

Arthur’s Little Sister?

Success Rate Of Blackmailing

Apology Template

From the phone of Dick Grayson:

Chat Name: The Boys (Minus The Demon)

Jaybird: find anything?

Timmy: nope. she’s really good at hiding.

Jaybird: no idiot 

Jaybird: take a break from stalking mdc and see if demon spawns hired someone to get our presents yet

Me: Should we help him? I know Damian’s difficult but I don’t want him to feel like we want him to go away.

Jaybird: but we do want him to go awayy…

Me: …

Jaybird: just for a little! cmon we cant keep going on like this

Timmy: he’s right.

Timmy: I mean we all know why he doesnt like me… 

Jaybird: dont blame him

Timmy: and I cant fault him for hating Jason… 

Jaybird: shut it replacement

Timmy: but he doesn’t even get along with you most days dick!

Timmy: he needs friends… 

Jaybird: besides superbaby

Timmy: and he’s only just stopped terrorizing his classmates.

Jaybird: he doesnt have any people skills!

Me: You can’t fault him for that! You know what it was like for him growing up with freaking Talia for a mother.

Jaybird: we know dick but that doesnt change the fact that he needs to learn how to treat people and he hasnt in the seven years hes been home maybe the titans can teach him

Me: So what? We’re supposed to just ship him off to be someone else’s problem like his mother did? That’s BS!

Timmy: no of course not! we’re still his family! him being a titan won’t change that!

Me: Exactly! We’re his family! It’s our job to teach him and him not learning anything is on us.

Me: We didn’t send Jason off when he was sick from the Lazarus Pit and we’re not sending Damian away just because his mother messed him up so bad.

… 

Jaybird: your right but if we tried to help him he wouldnt let us

Timmy: so what’re we supposed to do? I mean even if we did help him you know dad would see right past us.

Jaybird: then he gets sent away anyway and the demon spawn will hate us forever 

Timmy: (shrugging emoji)

Me: Maybe we could just subtly steer him in the right direction?

Timmy: find out what he’s getting us and tell him if it sucks?

Jaybird: that could work

Timmy: I still can’t find anything on his computer.

Me: I’ll get Babs on to go through his phone.

Chat Name: Babs

Me: Oh wise one I beg thee to help me!

Babs: what do you want me to waste my time doing for you?

Me: Can you search Damian’s phone for anything that might be related to Christmas?

Babs: no 

Me: plz?

Babs: why?

Me: We want to help him stay…

Babs: … 

Babs: give me a sec

Me: Thank you!

Babs: don’t thank me yet I helped him encrypt his phone this is all I got 

Babs: (screenshot of Damian’s search history)

Me: That’s not helpful.

Babs: not my problem

Chat Name: The Boys (Minus The Demon)

Me: This is all she found… 

Timmy: i’m concerned.

Me: I think we’re all concerned Timmy… 

Timmy: who is he blackmailing?

Jaybird: really? thats the only thing here that didnt suprise me

Jaybird: i think we should be more concerned that hes trying to apologize to someone

Me: Best not to think about that.

Timmy: agreed.

Jaybird: yup 

Me: So this doesn’t help us… 

Timmy: maybe we should ask alfred?

Jaybird: nooooo

Me: It’s worth a try.

Timmy: or three… 

From the phone of Alfred Pennyworth:

Chat Name: Master Timothy

Master Timothy: Alfred, has Damian come to you for help with Xmas?

Me: There’s coffee in the kitchen, Master Tim.

Me: Next time, don’t run.

Chat Name: Master Richard

Master Richard: Have you heard anything from Damian about Christmas?

Me: I am not at liberty to say, Master Dick.

Master Richard: Please, Alfred. We just want to help.

Me: Master Bruce specifically said that Master Damian must complete this task on his own. Even I am not permitted to help him much.

Master Richard: Much?

Me: Yes. For example, I am allowed to help keep his progress private.

Master Richard: I see. 

Master Richard: Thank you, Alfred.

Me: Have a good day, Master Dick.

Chat Name: Master Jason

Master Jason: Hey what’s the demon spawn getting us for xmas?

Me: Master Jason, why is one of my plates missing? You know, the ones of the finest quality imported for China.

Master Jason: I ddont know 

Master Jason: let me go find it

Chat Name: Master Bruce

Master Bruce: Alfred, has there been any developments with Damian?

Me: Yes. I believe everything is working out as you wished Master Bruce.

Master Bruce: Very good.

From: DoWhatISay@email.com

To: Marinette.D.C.@email.com

Date: November 2, 2021 6:30 P.M.

Subject: An Apology

Dear Ms. Dupain-Cheng,

In my desperation it seems I have acted quite far out of line. You see, a lot is riding on my ability to procure adequate gifts for my brothers. If I fail, my father may send me away in order to teach me a lesson in social skills. My brothers are huge fans of yours (I will also admit your artistry is very impressive) and have, not for a lack of trying, been unable to find out who you are. I have no doubt that if I get them MDC originals for Christmas then I will be able to stay.

This does not excuse my previous email however. I will ruefully admit that I’m often told I assume too much but few people have been so effective in pointing this out to me as yourself. I admit my methods were morally and legally unjust. I apologize and request forgiveness. Perhaps you could overlook my rather offensive first email and we could start again.

As for the blackmailing, I meant it when I said I have no desire to reveal your identity. I won’t. I realize now that would only make my own situation worse (my brothers would probably kill me on your behalf) but that is not my only motivator. In my research I learned about your situation in school. I will agree that I do not know the truth of the matter as well as yourself but I have no wish to make anything worse. I suppose you may as well have made the best choices you could’ve as it seems your classmates refuse to see reason. That must be inconvenient.

If this, my first apology, or the promised monetary compensation are still not enough to persuade you to still allow me to order my brothers MDC originals perhaps I may offer my help as well. I may not know the situation like you but I do have resources you might find useful. After all, they did allow me to find your identity.

I’m looking forward to your reply without any expectations of when it will come. (I’m told sleep is important though.)

- Damian W.

I’m not loving this formatting but I’m not in the headspace to change it so I will simply say that if you want better formatting, read this on A03.  Okay! Chapter 3 is coming in a second!

Master List

[julia-highstorms]

Tom x Julia - Fluff ABC

A/N: Due to NSFW ABC success, I decided to do another interview with Tom and Julia lol! Thank you so much  for @pixelburied for creating this template! Read more about them on my Masterlist.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Pixelberry Studios.

Word count: +4,300 sorry

Interviewer: Welcome Tomoichi Sato and Julia Vance! Thank you both on agreeing to be a part of another interview!

Julia: Wooo thanks for having us again! I had so much fun last time! And found out so many things about Tom!

I: Oh yes, your NSFW Alphabet interview was a success, our readers loved it! How does it feel to know that people read about your sex life? *looks at Tom*

Tom (blushing): It's a bit wild to think… people now know what Julia and I like… doing in bed…

J (smirking mischievously): Or on other places…

T (blush intensifies): ...But if they enjoyed it… then I'm glad, I guess… Thank you all… Uh, what is this interview about? More NSFW stuff?!

I: Haha, don't worry about it, Tom. This one's completely "safe for work". *Tom exhales, visibly relaxing* You'll be answering a Fluff ABC on your relationship, created by K, @pixelburied!

J and T: Thank you @pixelburied for this!

J (shuffling excitedly on her seat): This will be fun! Alright, let's begin!

I: A - Anger. What was your first fight about?

T: I thought this was a fluff alphabet. Not that we were going to talk about our fights…

J: Hmm, our first fight was over something stupid. Do you remember it, Tom?

T (chuckling): Haha, yes. We fought over a fricking mug.

I (looking visibly confused): A mug?

T: Yeah. Julia is very… possessive about her stuff. And she always accuses me on being too selfish with my video games… Anyway, it was on the next morning I spent the night in her place for the first time. I mean, on Arthur's cabin. While she was taking a shower, I decided to make us some coffee and… well, I picked the first mug I found. How the hell would I have known it was her favorite mug? That she only drinks tea in it? Dude, she got mad. She suddenly showed up in the kitchen, yelling at me—

J: Don't be so dramatic, Sato. And you should have waited for me and asked me if you could pick that mug. And of course that was my mug. It has a gigantic 'J' on it.

T: Anyway, she took the mug out of my hand and I had to drink my coffee on a cup.

J (laughing): I still remember grandpa’s face when he found us arguing on his kitchen because of the mug!

I: And do you have any big recurring arguments?

*Julia and Tom share a look before answering*

J: Yeah… you see, we have very different tastes and interests. In everything: music, cinema, games, clothing… *the Interview nods* So… we always end up fighting because we can't get each other, you know? Like, I don't see all the appeal when a new sequel of a famous game is coming out…

T: And I don't get why she gets so hysterical when there's a band she likes coming to play in town…

J: So we have arguments about it. We almost never can agree on what to do on leisure time. So after we had this very big fight, because of our different interests, we decided to split our time equally by doing something one of us enjoy.

I: But you don't have anything you both like to do?

T: We like going to the karaoke and to the movies. But we like different kinds of music and movies. Oh, but we love eating and trying on new food!

J: Yeah, we like going to new places to eat. And of course there are more things we enjoy doing together… kicking monsters asses, cuddling and… *she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively and Tom blushes immediately* If you get what I mean. But just spending time with him, doing anything, or even nothing, is the best thing ever.

T: I feel like… at the same time we can’t get get each other… we do get each other, you know? She knows what I’ll think or how I’ll react even before I know!

J: Yeah, Tom understands me better than anyone. Even though some of his things drive me crazy.

I: Aww, this is sweet. Alright, B - Best: what would you say is your partner's best trait?

J: Tom's incredibly loyal, noble and overall, a badass. *her boyfriend ducks his head, his cheeks blushing slightly, but he can't contain a grin from appearing on his lips* After all that chaos that happened in Westchester a few years ago, he could simply wish it to never happen again and try to forget and ignore it… but when those strange things started happening on Pine Springs, what he did? He moved there. To help people there. People he didn't know. This is the noblest thing I've ever seen.

T: And Julia is the bravest person I know. She handled everything, her parents death, all that cultist thing, the monsters, her grandma's revengeful spirit, like a badass. *he turns to her* I genuinely think  you're invincible. *Julia laughs loudly* And… she's so in love with life, with being alive, that I can't do anything but stand there in awe. She's seen some pretty heavy stuff, but she never loses this will to live. And she'll always be down to do anything. From just going to eat ice cream to going to a spontaneous road trip. You can propose anything and she'll be like 'let's do this'! *chuckles softly* And I guess, this is how we ended up here, doing this interview…

I: Haha, definitely! Our next letter is C - Camera. How do you document your relationship? Who likes to take pictures/videos?

T: We don't document every single thing about our relationship. In fact, we usually forget to take pics of our dates. I prefer being behind the camera.

J: Yeah, we can notice it by your Instagram account. You only take pictures of the others or, like, random stuff. You almost never show your pretty face. I personally suck on taking pictures, so I prefer serving as a model. Danni can confirm this. About our relationship… I like posting a bunch of stories on my Insta when I'm with Tom. Especially when he doesn't notice it.

T: Ugh, yeah. I bet half of her stories are about me asking her 'what are you doing'?

J: And I always say 'sharing your pretty face for the whole world to see'! And he always tries to get my phone out of my hands.

I: What about your D - Dates? What are they like? Do you plan them? Are they more spontaneous?

J: It depends on the day. Sometimes we just want to stay at home cuddling, playing video games (his case) or watching movies (my case).

T: Of course, some dates have to be planned beforehand. Like, when we want to go to a super famous and packed restaurant.

I: E - Early. How was the first month of dating like?

T: After the cultists and mad grandma were defeated, we finally had the time to go on dates and hang out with our friends.

J: It finally felt like a vacation. We spent most of our days together. I would split it between Tom, Elliot and our friends. It was nice and relaxing. Then that dick tried to kill me… but then I took care of him.

T: We went to Westchester a couple more times. Stacy invited us to this party on her house, do you remember it?

J: I do! And I finally got to know Tom's friends from Westchester better. It was nice.

I: Since we're talking about F - Friends… How's your relationship with each other's group of friends?

T: Uh, sometimes I regret introducing Julia to Andy. *his girlfriend laughs*

I: Why?

T: Because they gang up against me!

J: It's because it's so funny to tease you!

T (pouting): Nah, it's because you're both mean!

J: Aww, you big baby! *she leans in and pecks on his cheek* Anyway, as we said, Tom's friends were very open to include me. Tom met some of my college friends and my best friend (which I met in high school), Marina.

I: Oh, and how was it, Tom?

T: I guess we got along well. Her college friends are pretty crazy and like to party way harder than me, but they were all very nice. Marina was harder to please… *Julia giggles, shaking her head affirmatively*

J: She's very protective over me, especially after my parents death… we don't see each other as much because she's studying in another state, but we text each other a lot. When I told her about Tom… she promptly wanted to meet him and see if he deserved me. *rolls her eyes* She's sassy and not afraid of speaking her mind. She thought you were a bit too ‘nerdy’, but you ‘seem nice’ and is good for me, so everything's okay.

T: This is what she told you. To me, she said that if I ever break your heart, she'll come hunt me personally.

J (giggling): I can't believe you're afraid of her! She's even shorter than me!

T: She's pretty intense, okay?

I: Onto our next letter… G - Gifts. Do you like giving each other gifts? What kind?

T: Yeah. I always try to find something that I think she'll like… or something that will make her remind of me. She loves when I give her a new jacket. *he rolls his eyes, a smile on his face* Chocolate is another thing that never fails, but doesn't last.

J: There's no such thing as too many jackets. And same; I try giving him something that I know he'll like. Like, a new comic, or game, when I have more money. And funkos! Tom has a collection of them in his parents house.

I: Now tell me anything involving H - Hugs.

J: Tom's hugs are miraculous. You might be having the worst day ever of your life, but it'll instantly get better if you hug Tomoichi Sato. And I like how his arms involve me. *she rests her head on his shoulder, grinning at him*

T: Julia's got the best hugs ever too. Like, she always will give that full hug, you know? Not that half-ass lame hug. And she hugs you so tightly, as if she's afraid to let you go.

J: I only hug you and Elliot like this. I like when he hugs me from behind too. I feel safe.

I: You two are going to make me cry with all this fluffiness. *the young couple laughs* Okay, I - Inside Jokes. Do you have any?

T: Oof, probably more than we can remember. We both can find amusement in pretty much everything and make jokes about it.

J: Yeah, we're two dorks at heart.

T: ...But I always tease Julia on how short she is.

J: And I am constantly calling Tom a nerd. Which is true.

I: Oooh, this one's interesting… J - Jealousy. Who gets jealous easier?

T: In the beginning of our relationship, I was more insecure, so I got more jealous… but then Julia told me that she's such a hard monogamist (like me), so now I'm good.

J: Yeah, I don't have eyes for anyone else. Once I truly care and fall in love… well, that's it for me. I was so happy when Tom asked me to be his girlfriend, you have no idea. And I am more jealous than him. I'm trying to change, but it isn’t easy. Especially with Tom always being so nice to everyone and he's so pure… he never realises when people are hitting on him. And it happens more frequently than I'd like.

T: I swear, that dude on your uni's party wasn't hitting on me, Julia…

J: of course he was! He deliberately asked your number.

T: Because I told him that I fix boats and he told me he had a problem with his yacht!

J: He doesn't have a yacht! He's a broke college student like me! Not a Pine Springs citizen! Most people doesn't own yachts, Tom.

I (who's very interested on their argument): And how do you show your jealousy?

T: Julia get's this scowl all over her face. And usually wants to get the hell out of whatever we are as soon as possible.

J (with a scowl): I don't get a scowl, okay?! And Tom makes a bunch of questions from the person he's jealous about (usually a friend of mine), pretending to not care, when he clearly cares. *she clears her throat and starts imitating him* 'Hm… is she a friend of yours? Where did you meet her? Do you study with her? How long have you known each other? have you noticed the way she looks at you?' and etc.

I: Okay, we don't want you two having a fight, so let's continue our interview… Ah, this one's cute: K - Kiss. How do you usually kiss? Who usually initiates?

J: Of course I'm the one who usually initiates. Tom's just too shy.

T (blushing): Well… I never know when it's appropriate to kiss. And if you want it.

J: I always want to kiss you, Tomo. And it's always appropriate to kiss me. *she smirks at him* I usually pull him in by his t-shirt and kiss him. Like this. *she shows to the interviewer and Tom lets out a surprised squeal* Then it can get hot and heavy very quickly…

T (still blushing): I like how she gets on her toes to kiss me. And then I lean in to meet her halfway.

*Julia giggles and kisses him again*

I: L - Love. How was the first time you told each other those famous three words?

T: Oof, it was right before those cultists tried to use Julia as a sacrifice and kill us all. To be honest, I hadn't known I was in love with her until that night. Until she told me that I was in love. But then it all made sense and I told her I loved her. *he smiles fondly at her, his arm around her waist, who rests her head on his shoulder again*

J: And then I told him that I loved him too right away. Can you imagine if one of us had died that night?

T: That would have been so fucking tragic. I don't even want to think that.

J: But at least we had told each other.

T: Which would have made even harder to get over you. I'm just so glad we're both here.

J: Me too. I love you, Tomoichi Sato. A damn lot.

T: I love you too, Julia Vance. More than you’ll ever know.

I: Jeez, I might start melting here with you two. M - Movies. I know you already told me you have different taste on movies… but is there a kind of movie you like to watch together? Is it a regular Netflix ritual?

T: Well, we both like The Crown and the Flame series. We've just started the second season. We like watching Harry Potter together too. And some Disney movies from our childhood. We both love Mulan and The Lion King.

J: Yeah. Since we have the same age, we usually watch movies from when we were kids. But Tom's a huge geek, so he loves sci-fi and superheroes movies. I prefer drama and thriller movies.

I: Do you know each other's favorite movie?

J: Tom's is Back to the Future. The first one, obviously.

T: Julia loves Millennium - The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. The Swedish version, with Noomi Rapace.

I: Interesting! Do you have any N - Nicknames for each other?

J: I call him 'Tomo', like his parents call him.

T (giggling devilishly): I sometimes call her "Pixie". Because of her hair cut and because she's small. *Julia rolls her eyes*

I: When did you realize your partner was the O - One?

T: I guess when she told me I was in love with her. On the Wescott's yacht, before they tried to kill us.

J: Same. When I saw that disgusting cultist with that knife on your throat… *Julia clenches her hands into fists, her knuckles white with the grip. Tom rests his hand on top of hers, calming her down* oh boy, I turned into a mess. I thought I was going to lose him. I was terrified.

T: And when she climbed on Arthur's boat to save him and Elliot and face Josephine… I confirmed she was the one for me. I got so scared I'd never see her again. I wanted to go together, but she prohibited me.

J (smiling at him, tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear): I told you I'd be back for you.

I: P - Pizza. What is your favorite food to eat together?

J (chuckling): Definitely not pizza. He likes pineapple on pizza. Ew.

T: As we told you before, we're always trying on new foods together. But the comfort food we found in common is pancakes. I guess we told you on the other interview that we make them together, right?

I: Oh yes, I do remember that. Okay, Q - Quit. Have you broke up? Almost broke up? What happened?

T: Uh, I don't like remembering this, but… on our last fight we almost broke up. But we got back together on the same day. Well, kinda.

J: I guess the whole long distance relationship, plus my jealousy and Tom's obliviousness and our nearly zero experience on dating led to that argument. Pizza was even involved.

I: Oh, it does sound pretty serious! How do you comfort each other on dark days, on R - Rainy Days?

J: Well… since my parents' deaths… I've had nightmares and terrible insomnia. There are days that I can barely sleep. But Tom sings some lullabies his grandma used to sing to him and it always helps me calm down and fall asleep. He won't ever admit it, but he sings greatly.

T: Thanks, Pixie. *he grins shyly* Cuddling sure helps a lot too. When I'm having my gloomier days, she buys me my favorite snacks and we spend the whole day playing video or board games.

I: This is the sweetest thing I've ever heard! By the way, it there something your partner did or does that makes you S - Soft?

T: I like when she idly plays with my hair. And calls me ‘Tomo’. *she giggles to the stupidly goofy smile on his lips*

J: Whenever he sings I turn into this useless mush. And when he cooks something to me. It might not be that good, but I'll eat everything.

T: Wait, have I ever cooked something that wasn't good?!

J (clearly avoiding his question): What's the next letter?

I: Do you T - Text each other a lot? What do you usually talk about?

T: All the time.

J: Yeah, we text each other daily. Especially when we're apart. We usually just talk about how was our day.

T: Oh, and if something happened and it reminded us of each other. It's basically just a bunch of memes!

I: What about sexting?

*Tom's face turns red*

J: We tried once, but I didn't like it. I prefer dirty talking, you know? Didn't see the appeal on that eggplant emoji. It's sexier hearing his voice.

I (laughing): Okay, I feel you. Hmm, tell our readers something U - Unique of your odd habits that surprised one another?

T: Well, that mug case was very surprising. You know, about Julia being so possessive about her things. And for someone who hates practicing sports, she surely can dance all night long. You'd be surprised on how many times I caught her dancing by herself when cooking or cleaning the house. And whenever we go out or go to sleep she has to check if every door and window is locked. But I guess that's understandable after all we had to go through.

J: Tom has this odd habit of sitting on the floor instead of a comfy chair or on the couch or bed. There's a sofa right there, but he'll prefer sitting on the floor while playing his games, for example. I stopped trying to understand him.

T: The floor is comfy! *she shakes her head*

I: V - Vanity. Is there something you're proud of yourself and your partner?

J: To be honest, it's pretty impressive how we're still together. It's been over a year since we've started dating. This is our first serious relationship for both of us, so I guess we're doing good, especially because we're on a long distance relationship. It's not easy making it work, but I knew we would handle it.

T: Yeah. I guess the best thing is that she's my best friend too (Andy still is!) and I'm hers. We had some bumps in the way, but we learned to tell each other everything. And respect our differences and our own personal space. We got each other's back and we trust in us.

I: A beautiful answer. Let me see what's our next letter, it's finally ending, guys… Oh. W - Wedding. Have you guys thought about it? Talked about it?

J (red as a tomato): We… we never talked about it, right, Tomo?

T ( also red as a tomato): No…

I: It doesn't necessarily have to be about a wedding itself. You can tell me if you talked about what's next to your relationship. If you got any plans for the future.

J (relaxing a little): Well, if everything goes well… After Tom graduates, we plan on living together. Not marrying or anything… Not yet, at least… Just living together… *she blushes harder as she gets more tongue tied* I'm currently living on Pine Springs again, now that I graduated and got a job there… I'm living with my grandpa and Elliot and have been saving money to rent an apartment in the future…

T: Yeah, and I intend to go back to Oregon as soon as I graduate… I talked to Lily and we have some plans on maybe funding a startup… And I just miss my parents, Julia and my friends. I still got a year and half until I finally graduate, so nothing's certain… Just a lot of dreams and plans…

I (smiling at them): I'm sorry to put you two in this situation. Are you looking forward to the future? Are you excited on living together?

T: Hell yeah! I can't wait to live with her. I guess it'll be an adventure. Maybe our greatest adventure even. *he chuckles*

J: I bet we'll argue about whose turn is to take the trash out and who's going to make dinner and etc, but I believe we'll handle it. *she blushes slightly* ...But I confess I kinda have a playlist of songs I'd like to play on my wedding…

T: What?! I want to listen to them!

I: Alright, next letter… X. Something you hate about each other.

T: I know it's unconscious, but I hate how she keeps tapping her foot or fidgeting her fingers when she's feeling restless. It annoys and distracts me.

J: I just can't stand on how Tom can live his life knowing that there's a pile of dishes on his sink to be washed, whenever I go visit him in Hartfeld. I always end up washing it myself. And Tom never reminds to lower the toilet lit.

I: Oh good, these things are normal to get irritated to. Y - YouTube. What are you like online? Do you post about your relationship constantly?

T and J (together): No.

T: To be honest, it took some time until my friends who I don't talk to frequently realised we were dating.

J: Yeah. I guess, since we live far apart, we don't have many opportunities to post about it on our social media. And when we're together, we certainly spend our time and have our attention on each other, not on the internet. Though I love posting those embarrassing pics and videos of him on my Instastories. *chuckles*

I: What about PDA?

T: When we're aware of people around us, we limit to holding hands and kissing on the cheek, forehead, a quick peck.

J: Yeah, we don't like having people watching. Although sometimes we can lose ourselves in the moment… And end up being caught. Danni told me she saw you grabbing my boob that time we went to play basketball, do you remember?

T: Oh crap! In my defense, I didn't know they were there watching us!

J (giggling): I know, Tom, I know.

I: We have finally reached our last letter! Z - Zoo. Are you two into animals? Do you want pets? What kind?

T: We both like pets! Julia's friends with the strangest animals ever! An otter, a coyote, an owl, a zombie bunny…

J: But I wouldn't have them as my pets. I've always wanted to have a dog, but my parents wouldn't let us have it because of our apartment complex policy. *she turns to her boyfriend* We even talked about adopting a dog, didn't we? When we live together?

T: Yeah. If we survive each other. I had a dog when I was a kid and, oh man, I loved her. Jester was the best. I would like to have another. But first I need to graduate and we need to find a place that allows pets. And we have to have enough money to sustain us two and a dog.

J: And the problem is that you only like big dogs.

T: The bigger, the goofier!

I: Alright, and with this we conclude our interview! Thank you two for kindly sharing your time with us! And I hope everyone enjoyed it!

Tagging: @littlecrookedheart @pixelburied @mysticgayralsei @breaumonts @abbiebishops @madhattterusagi @noahpologiste @danni-asturias  @mysteli @indiacater @indescribablechoices @emomoustache @choices-fanatic @edgydepressedchoicesthot @violarobics @withoutanyconfidence @tiz-rex @priya-trash @alicegma @thequeenchoices @endlessflame @ludextruction

[kimbaepsae]

Hyung, is it worth it?

"Hyung."

It was Taehyung's voice, strained, almost too timid to be heard. Yoongi looks up from his phone.

"Hmm?" he hummed in reply. He eyes the younger, instantly sensing something wrong.

It's just the two of them there, in the other waiting room, and Taehyung has just finished getting his hair and make-up done, the other members nowhere to be found (though Jimin and Hoseok were with him earlier, he was too immersed with what he's doing that he didn't even notice they were gone), he's pretty sure they're playing in another room, or maybe just like him, going through their lines, or still having their make up done.

They still have about two and a half hours before their performance and Yoongi was just going through his rap lines when he heard a soft knock, followed by the younger's voice, calling him as he steps into the room.

He sees Taehyung's hands clutching his phone, screen still bright, and in a glance he makes out a template that's all too familiar by now. And with that, Yoongi knows what exactly made the other this way.

"Are you reading hate comments again?" Taehyung just looks down, and if Yoongi was to say anything, he'd compare the sight to a dog being reprimanded by its owner, and he almost thinks cute. "Taehyung, how many times have we talked about this? Please." He says, not hiding the exasperation in his voice.

For the many years they've known each other, Yoongi knows how stubborn Taehyung can be. They've been through the same situation loads of times, and it seems the younger doesn't listen to anything he or the other members say. He almost believes the younger takes pleasure in hurting himself.

Not that he and the other members are any different. Sometimes, you just feel the need to know what other people think about you, be it positive or negative. And negative comments are even more tempting to read.

Yes, even he reads nasty comments online when he feels like it. He's been doing that for years, and tell you what, he isn't used to it even for a tiny bit. He feels like he will never get used to it. That's why they avoid reading such comments as much as they can.

And Taehyung--everyone feels very protective of him. Even Jungkook, feels the need to protect his hyung of two years. Taehyung is a sweet person. He acts all goofy and obnoxious and cute. But everyone knows he's intelligent and smart and can be really vulnerable, too.

Yoongi thinks he's too smart for his own good. Especially when he tries to read negative comments because he wants to "understand why they say those things to us, or why they hate us." His exact words.

He's always been curious, and inquisitive, always asking, even the simplest of questions. Yoongi always admired the innocence he radiates everytime he asks such questions. And he can't quite bring himself to believe that Taehyung has grown so much, so soon. Asking more complicated questions, all too complicated to answer.

"Hyung, do you regret it?" Taehyung asked him one afternoon, still panting and sweating after they've finished learning some new dance routines for their new songs, just a few weeks before their comeback.

"Regret what?" He asks back, though he has a bit of an idea what the younger member might be asking him.

"This. All of this. Choosing this path. Do you--do you regret it all?" He leans against the wall, trying and failing to wipe all the beads of sweat running down his face and neck.

"To be honest with you, sometimes I do." Taehyung frowns at his answer, though he doesn't say anything.

True, the question is a simple yes or no question. But at the same time, it goes deeper than yes and no. There is always a why that follows. As if on cue, the other sends him a confused "Why?"

"It's good that we're fulfilling our dreams and all. We make music because we love music. We get to do what we love. And what's best is that we get to share it with everyone. But sometimes, everything just gets too much, you know. The pressure builds up everytime, the standards just go higher, and of course, with all the expecations from the fans and everyone else, we have to do better every time. And with that in mind, we just keep going forward that sometimes we forget why we're doing this in the first place."

Taehyung just nods in understanding at his hyung's words. He goes silent for a few minutes. Probably lost in thought, then opens his mouth, but closes it again, like a fish out of water.

"It gets tiring at times like this. We have so much to do, and so little time for ourselves. Everytime we announce our comeback, everything just becomes a shit fight, and we all act like robots, bound by the tight schedule, and the never ending rescheduling doesn't help either. We don't know what food and sleep are, and we act like we don't need them. As the years pass by, we get lesser time to eat and rest, and we get more exhausted than before."

They both exhale at the same time. They turn to each other at that, laughing lightly, as they both find it funny.

"But meeting all of you is one of the best things that happened in my life." Taehyung says, his voice fond. And usually, Yoongi rolls his eyes at the members' mushy words, but this is one of those few times when he lets the words penetrate his heart, making him feel warm and loved. "Maybe I don't really regret choosing this path, hyung. Going through hardships with you is so much better than going through it by myself. This path led me to you, and I'm always thankful for that."

He lets himself melt at the younger's words, paired with the ever so sweet boxy grin, that he cant help but raise his hand up to ruffle the the other's hair out of fondness.

"Ew. Your hair is wet and sticky. Gross" Yoongi huffs, but it's all in good nature, and Taehyung knows it very well.

"Says you who didn't even shower this morning." And with that, they started to chase each other, which was later joined by Jungkook and Jimin, until Yoongi surrenders and stops chasing them. He can't catch up with their energy. He just can't.

It's those memories that Yoongi deems important. Those memories that keep him fueled to face and overcome all the negative stuff that come with being in the entertainment industry.

But he knows Taehyung. He knows him too well to know that those hateful comments will let him get to him, which is what Yoongi sees in his eyes as he tries to meet the younger's gaze.

"Do you think it's worth it, hyung?" Comes the million dollar question. A question he's all too familiar with, having asked it so many times to himself. A question he cannot come up with an answer to.

Still, despite being unsure of what to say, Yoongi tries to think. Then and there he comes up with the best answer he could ever think of, and he says to Taehyung, and maybe to himself as well, "Yes it is."

Taehyung looks at him, eyes hopeful, as he sits down one of the chairs facing him.

"No, hyung. Have you read these comments? It's just-- It's--" Yoongi cuts his words by placing a hand on his shoulder. The younger of the two visibly relaxes under the older's touch. And he can see that Taehyung is close to crying, eyes shining with unshed tears, hurt evident in his usually really bright eyes.

"How can you easily say it's worth it?"

"Because it really is, Tae. We won't be here if it's not. We're here, right now, preparing for a performance, allowing our faces to be smudged with make up, going over our lines and dance routines, losing sleep and weight altogether, when we could all have been doing other stuff, or better yet, when we could have been living a completely different life. We're here, because even though we constantly ask ourselves if it's all worth the pain, if it's worth bearing these hurtful comments, we know, deep down, it is."

Taehyung gapes at him, as if he has grown another head on his shoulder, but with the same hopeful eyes he always has whenever the older doesn't brush his question with a shrug or an eyeroll. And he sees the child Taehyung hides with his cool and grown up persona. He can't help the fondness that bubbles up his chest.

"Okay, look. Don't you feel great when you perform? Don't you feel the excitement when you hear ARMYs chant our names with the beat of our song? Don't you just love it when you hear them sing along with us? Don't you just want to stop singing just so you could hear them sing instead?"

Taehyung just nods. Too caught up with his own thoughts, probably working overtime to understand what Yoongi is trying to say.

"That's it. That's what makes it worth it." He says, more to himself than to Taehyung.

"The fans?" He asks like the five-year old child he is.

Yoongi laughs heartily at this. "Yes. But not just the fans. The feeling. What was it--" He tries to remember the English word for it. "Adrenaline?" He says, trying hard to pronounce the hard word as best as he could. "Yes, the adrenaline. That feeling of excitement you get when you're on stage, the feeling you still have even after the music stops and all you can hear is the fans' chanting. That feeling of fulfillment everytime we hold our hands and bow down to our fans. That's the closest thing to happiness, or maybe, that's happiness itself."

Taehyung looks down at his own hands, clasped, lips still pressed into a thin line.

"Tae, this is why we don't want you to read such comments. Because you'll feel bad, and get stressed, and do you really think we have the luxury to deal with those right now? No we don't. Right now, we're here, preparing to perform, to win another award, and to add one more trophy to our growing collection," They both smile at that before Yoongi continues, "To prove them wrong. And if this means we have to make a few more diss tracks to let them know what we think, we will. I'm more than willing to, and I can even give you a line to rap. Just, don't let this get into you, okay?"

Taehyung, despite being quite thrilled by Yoongi's promise of letting him rap, was now staring at the floor, and entered his own bubble of thought, leaving Yoongi out for now.

His face is blank, almost as if he's just spacing out, but the older should know by now that that is Taehyung's 'thinking' face. And yes, that's the same blank face that earned him nickname "blank Tae."

He smiles at the him, and relaxes himself on the couch, feeling sleepy all of a sudden.

As Yoongi closes his eyes, he can almost sense the Taehyung's frame relax. He's always been so insecure, so unsure of himself. He always wants to sing better, to dance better, to just be a better version of himself. And Yoongi just wants him to know that he's doing great. That he doesn't need to be perfect--just himself. To let him know that fans love him for who he is, and wouldn't want any other.

Haters? Negative comments? Controversy? It's all part of the game. Yoongi continues to think. It hurts. Well, especially since, each of them has their own insecurities, and no matter how long you have been in the industry, there's no way you're getting used to it.

But what makes it really worth it, despite everything, is the fact that they do what they love and love what they do. And of course, they have their fans, and each other to lean on, especially when things don't really fare well for any of them.

They all want to be better--no, to be the best. Everyone wants that. But on the second thought, Yoongi can't really complain. Afterall, he feels like he's part the best group in the entertainment industry, and gets a ton of support from the best fans around the world, and he couldn't really ask for more.

And more than anything else, he thinks to himself, just as he shifts and finally finds a comfortable position on the tiny couch (of course while taking extra care not to ruin his clothes or hair), he feels really contented with what he has right now. Not that he'll say that out loud, though, so he just smiles to himself as he lets himself drift into a few minutes of sleep.

°°°

The music stops, and the deafening cheer of their fans takes over. It's loud, in a really good way. And Yoongi sees Taehyung, beaming, all apprehension gone from his face, and he thinks he sees the younger's face light up in realization when their eyes meet, and he gives him a knowing look.

"See?" He nudges the younger by his elbow as they were huddling to the backstage, leaving the still cheering audience. "Worth it."

"Totally," and they exchange smiles, gummy to boxy as they continue to listen to the seemingly never ending cheers from their lovely fans.

[geocities]

For the last week some kind of virus has been ravaging my body. My fever finally broke for good last night - hopefully? I was sick for five days, bedridden sick, sleeping for 16 hours a day sick. 101 + fever all of the time, couldn’t get it to break for shit. I had insane fever dreams and part of me wondered if I would just die, like those flu horror stories or maybe it was actually an IUD infection or something that was eating my organs alive. I had weird flashbacks of specific childhood feelings, but this time they were exceedingly warm and fuzzy, which is not normally the lens through which I view my childhood when my brain isn’t on fire. At the same time, a plumbing mishap has effectively destroyed my house for the majority of the last week. The first plumbers destroyed our stuff – got drywall and sewage all over our kitchen, including in the cabinets and fridge, used our bath towels to clean up the mess, left my toothbrush out to get coated in the shit. They threw out the bidet! My butt will never be clean again. We had to throw out a lot of our stuff and not use the kitchen and bathroom for a long time and the landlords are trying to let us take $100 off rent but honestly not being able to have a orderly house or know where my toiletries are or not have my dishes covered in wall particles is worth way more than that, not to mention the actual monetary value of what we had to throw away. Today is the first day I’ve had the energy to care or think about it, and now that I’m thinkin’ about it I’m totally stewin’ about it.

I had my observation last week and I killed it; I did better than I’ve ever done on an observation in my life. It was also the first observation where my nerves weren’t getting the better of me, and a brain specialist had some to speak to us the week before about how we talk and use our facial muscles and how kids can only learn when they feel safe, and I really think it helped. Who would have thought that we literally can’t learn when we are stressed? Hahaha almost everyone probably minus anyone in charge of CPS at any given time. And then on Wednesday I rode back from a field trip with three other white female teachers, coming down with the flu by this point, and they thought it was a safe space to debate the merits of Black Lives Matter and had a lot of Hot Steamy Dump Takes like “I’m being punished for slavery but I didn’t do anything” and “why cant we all just get along” and “it should be All Lives Matter” and “people shouldn’t run from the cops if they don’t want to get shot” and an unfortunate introduction to a racial slur I’d never heard before in my life, and “it’s equal now, and actually some of my friends kids cant get into schools because they’re not African American” and “if I were racist would I teach in Englewood?” and my feverish ass screaming “A BLUE LIFE IS NOT A THING” and getting yelled at and trying to explain housing segregation and police violence to a bunch of cop apologists from Mt. Greenwood; literally one of the worst experiences of my life.

So anyway we started watching the Sopranos

The first season of the Sopranos deals a lot with the nature of familial duty (lol duh Lauren it’s a show about the mob!) but I mean it more like the way Tony navigates his feelings about his mother – Melfi’s rational instinct to call the relationship what it is – troubled, shitty, abusive maybe – is so heavily rejected by Tony – “hate my OWN mother???” Mob mentality is a good template for this; not “mob mentality” in the common parlance, but literally the mentality of people in the mob and the purported values, traditions, and structures that dictate their lives. The charm of this show for me is this; take away the severity of the actual violence and murder and extortion and the value system is entirely relatable. I can’t find my place in this new world where conflict is abuse and everyone is Toxic and everything is about asserting your individual right to peace out of situations and relationships that don’t fully serve you. That’s some real Midwestern shit or West Coast shit, I don’t even know. Manufacturing ways to feel assertive and in control – self-care industry, new fixations on astrology, conspicuous consumption of houseplants, selfies and talking about mental health in a vapid way on social media. Maybe it’s cathartic for them but to me it reads as more of the same vanity. I can’t relate to it. A lot of people seem to, as any hours-long meandering down an Instagram hole will demonstrate. That’s the reason I love my friends, it’s because we don’t play that shit. We validate each other and it’s enough and thank god for that. I don’t have a peaceful energy and I never will and I can’t chop off the aggravating parts because I need them too. I need a manual, I need on-the-ground tactical advice for dealing with my family. I’ve learned it myself by surrounding myself with people who don’t speak to me that way, and so I don’t speak that way back anymore. I regress when I’m around them, but I also want to be near them all of the time. I don’t want to know how to cut them out or name their crimes, I want to move forward. I fantasize about moving to New Jersey to be closer to everyone and to be closer to good deli meats and better Italian food. I want to eat pasta out of a Parmesan wheel. I want the gabagool! I want my parents to babysit my kids and scream at me every day for the rest of my life. I want more complicated advice for less complicated problems, because at the end of the day my life is good and I can’t complain. I will continue to complain about not having eaten out of a Parmesan wheel yet. But Kevin Smith (New Jersey man of moderate fame) wrote that thing about dying and how it was fine, because life was a gift, which I think is what my fever dreams were trying to tell me. 

[incursionofthedamnedrpg]

Caleb Archer Accepted! Sarah, you also know this drill ;)

Name: Sarah

Age: 22

Timezone: EST

State an account where we can message you: THIS ONE

How active you’re going to be: (1-10) 8

How did you find out about this roleplay? I TOLD MYSELF

Why do you want to play this character? BECAUSE I GET INSPIRED AND CANT HELP MYSELF AND CHARACTER LIMIT IS CHANGED HALLELUJAH

Anything else you would like to tell us? (Changes, suggestions…etc) nothing I can think of right now except that two of his connections are characters that people will apply for as oc’s :)

IC:

Preferred Ships: CalebXChemistry - but he’s awkward so we’ll see if that’ll ever even happen hahaha

Sample para: - RFP

Template must be filled out, please make your character 16+ (we do not accept young ages), and be sure to run a faceclaim by the main first!

Name: Caleb Archer Birthday: September 15th (20) Species: Untriggered Werewolf Lookalike: Dylan Sprayberry Availability: Taken

Personality

Endlessy awkward would be the way to describe Caleb Archer. Beneath all the awkward however, he is sweet and endearing, equipped with a highly intelligent mind that often has him rambling and rattling off information that people probably didn’t ask for. He thinks quickly, faster that his mouth can get out words, leaving him babbling at times with can periodically make him look dumber than he is. Life has caused him to be resourceful and make the best of situations, more often than not taking the glass half full approach to things. The alternative option is realize how awful everything is and crumbling, however, Caleb knows what he has to do in order to survive in the world, even if that means putting on rose colored glasses and looking naive. However, in regards to his werewolf side, it can bring out quite a temper in Caleb when he is cornered. He tries with everything within him not to allow that part of him to show not wanting to give in to what it could make him do.

Past

Born into the Appalachian Mountains Pack, Caleb spent his upbringing with his father, never knowing much about his mother. As far as he knew she died when he was very young. As he grew up he came to know all the inner workings of the pack and pack lifestyle, and while he loved the people around them, he was determined to not become one of them. He didn’t want to to have to kill anyone, he just wanted to live.

When he was eleven, a group of hunters arrived in the mountains to track down the pack. They had caught wind of people going missing and assumed that the Appalachian Mountains Pack had something to do with the disappearances and bodies appearing up. Without warning, the hunters arrived and kidnapped several members in the night. Caleb awoke to find his father missing. Much later when fellow pack members, Astrid and Aila returned her questioned his father’s whereabouts. He wasn’t with the dead and he wasn’t with the living. He just disappeared and Caleb never heard from him again.

After that, Caleb clung to other pack members, needing some sense of stability. He found solace in his friends and tried not allow what had happened to change him. He didn’t want to become bitter like others had. He wanted to remain himself, someone his parents, wherever they were, would be proud of. He made a conscious effort to be positive when others weren’t, doing his best to be hopeful enough for all of them.

Years past and people left the pack for their own ventures, but Caleb remained. To him his place with the pack was the safest for him, besides as a human he could remain alert during full moons and make sure no one else got out and hurt anyone. He gave himself a job and some importance. He had to so that he felt like his place with them was still relevant.

When he was eighteen, trouble came, vampires and hunters alike, wiping most of the pack off of the map. Thanks to one of his close friends, Aila King, Caleb was able to escape and make it out of the mountains with his life while still not having to take anyone else’s. He became one of the five that Aila was able to rescue. Listening to Aila’s advice, he took off, getting as far away from the mountains as he could in order to keep safe. The pack life as they knew it was over.

Present

Since fleeing the mountains, Caleb has used any and all skills he has to track Aila down. He assumed that being the leader she became, that she would find somewhere safe for them all. After months of searching, he found a trace of her and followed it to Mystic Falls. He knows nothing of the town but believes that he could be safe there should he find Aila. He continues to remain on the straight and narrow despite all that he have been through. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone and hopes to begin a somewhat normal life settled in his new home.

Connections

Astrid and Aila King & Mason Duvall

Fellow members of the Appalachian Mountains pack. They’re the only family that he knows.

Leo and Ryan Sheppard

Friends with Leo and subsequently his older sister. He and Leo bond over their shared trait of awkwardness.

Klaus Mikaelson

Has heard all the stories about him and wonders if they are true. Caleb believes in giving people the benefit of the doubt for himself until they are proven not to be worthy of it.

[thejourneyblog]

Day 1 in a mental inpatient hospital:

11/25/17

I didn't see this coming. I mean I did a few times but I was usually able

to get back on my feet. But I don't even know what happened, that day,

yesterday. I had cracked. Over something small. I gave up. I realized I

didn't want to do it anymore. Live. Watch funny youtube videos, laugh

with friends, follow my dreams, run adult errands, write poetry. I'm

amazed I'm writing this at all right now. And this was such a deep

bottomless feeling out of no where that I had a panic attack.

I could not stop. I started spinning out. I couldn't stop crying all day or hyperventilating.

I was out to pick up a desk that I never picked up because they were all out.

So I went back to my drive way and tried to figure out how I could come back

to my senses. Maybe I should eat, play a game, walk my dog, rest, go to my

bffs house.. but I was repulsed by every idea. I didn't want to go back to living.

I tried to think about something that could make me happy. But I didn't want anything...

anymore and that is when I couldn't return. I was so scared. I didn't know what

was happpening. Nothing calmed me down. I didnt know what I was supposed to

do. do I run away? What would be the easiest way to die. But I didnt have the energy

to even do those. Then I rememberes, theres a hotline.

I wasn't able to talk much since I was trying to stop hyperventilating. But the responder was smart. She asked questions slowly and paced. We talked for an hour and I told her that I wanted to

donate all of my organs somewhere and that I was done. She helped me get to an ER

to get help. At that point I looked like I had been to 10 funerals and was scaring

everyone. My eyes still hadnt stopped crying. They assigned a nurse to stay at my side

at all times. Probably because I kept saying “IDK” when they asked if I was a danger

to myself. I was in the ER for 4 hours sleeping and crying as they put stickers on

my boobs and took blood and urine samples. I finally decided to answer my sisters

calls and she told me she loved me and that I was perfect. And I was so upset with

the universe at that moment. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I kept trying to make normal decisions, see if there was still some way out of this.

Back to old me. Sane me. But I couldnt. I was done.

Finally they told me about a wonderful place where we do group/art/single therapy sessions and I was admitted.They wheeled me to a room with security gaurds to collect my belongings and scan

me for metal. A nice lady asked me about my thanksgiving while she took me to the

mental health floor. I sat in the hallway while I waited for a nurse to bring me to my

room, with bare feet which didn't bother me. “Shame on INOVA” A nurse yelled giving

me socks and dinner. In the dining room I met some of the other patients right away. Watching tv and having their dinner. Fish with rice and sweet potato and cranberry juice. The fish

was great. I traded my brownie for a raspberry foam thing the other girl wanted. I

didn't care. I hadn't eaten all day. I didn't have a need to. After eating, I was showed to

my room. I didn't see a tv. That was disappointing. I wanted my phone back. But not really.

I thought I'd just sleep and cry some more. But then a girl appeared.

Sibila

“Hi!”

I jumped “hi”

“Are you new here! Let me show you around”

I agreed surprisingly.

“She showed me all the rooms, the game room, the lounge, kitchen, dining, snack room (locked)

Art room (also locked), pay phones, tv room and her room.

She gave me jolly ranchers and seemed super happy. So I did not under stand

why she was here. After that I went back to my room.

But she popped back up.

“My mom brought gyros! Lets eat!”

She dragged me to the kitchen and got me some coffee.

The coffee was perfect. Just what I needed. Which I proceeded to chug black for the next few days,

though it did not increase my energy what so ever.

Her mom was really sweet. Reminded me of my mom:

“sleep helps with depression”

yet I sleep like a baby

I tried to go back to my room but sibila was one step ahead of me

“Art class is starting!”

Art Class

Sibila picked a table in the corner for Victoria and I. A college looking girl with

the same circle as the rest of us, but sweet. But this place was no ordinary art class.

This place looked like a fukin AC Moore. There were lots of templates and wood crafts we could decorate. I didn't feel like doing much so I chose stained glass. I was the quickest

one in the group. The only one to finish a project. It would just give me anxiety to leave

something unfinished. After that we went to the end of the hall and sang pop songs for the rest of

the night. I joined along. Her spirit was so infectious. I tried not to be so low. But when we were alone

eating graham crackers I couldn't help it

“I dont want to live anymore. I cant”

She gave me a pat and scrambled. That was the end of that.

I slept with the lights on that night.

I remember

(hours before admission)

As I was trying to calm down about my problems

Inner voice: your sister will be okay, you just have to

Me: shut up ( monotone)

just stop

I dont want you to fix this

I dont want anything anymore

Im done

Voice: thats not true

Me: maybe I just need to run away for a bit. Take a long vacation

V: nothing will be here when you get back

Me: shhhh

I told you

I dont care

Im sure this has been an interesting study in human defeat

that is all

Break fast

was awful. Watery scrambled eggs. Super moist muffin. Potatoes were decent. Atleast I got to talk to vikki. Shes actually a lot more normal than I thought. Just some mild postpartum psychosis. But it seems like a lot of people come here to get back on track.. I don't know what I want... but I still don't want to go back. To anything. So thats not good..

The Characters

There are surprisingly not many people here. So far everyone has been super inviting and made me feel welcomed. There are the nurses who sit at a desk blocking the elevators. The whiteboard with each hall wing class schedule like school.

People I've met so far:

-Frail lady with a blanket shawl

-The angry boy always yelling at his mom on the phone with an ice pack on his head

- the pregnant lady who loves everyone

-The cute guys who thinks hes a celebrity

-the cute guy who doesn't talk

Sibila of course and our trio Vikki <3

and my room mate who sleeps all day, Doris.

I don't blame her

How are you?

A different nurse or doctor asks every 2 hours

I don't mean to be rude but I'm not going to answer that

I will gladly talk to a therapist about it. I could actually

really use that right about now.

But currently the outcome is uncertain

FOR SOME REASONFSJAODNASODSDMKA

Coping mechanism sheet

Take a time out in room – I slept with the lights on

imagine myself at the beach- no

talk with a peer- call Roslyn

write in journal

write a list of my strengths

write a letter

call a family member

have some tea or coffee

exercise

stretch

stress balls

draw

soft music- not helpfuldnjsadsnadjasdomk

play a game- boring/no energy

tv room – too bright/uncomfortable chairs

meditate-makes me angry

talk with your therapist-where?

Read- ummmmm

count to 10-NO

positive thoughts-try again

walk-what else is there to do

write a schedule for week after discharged- already have a schedule?

Comb hair/freshen up- sibila made me shower

My room mate

Doris has become a bit more talkative. She has the sweetest voice.

She invited me to bingo but I was still knocked out by the meds. She seems

worried about me. After I told the nurse I didn't want to live she asked to switch rooms.

Probably a coincidence.

The head poppers

: Nurses or doctors who pop their head from behind your curtain for a split second

to see where you are like a weirdo

every                     fucking                  hour

Bathrooms

are a fucking joke. Island printed yoga mats with Velcro make up for the doors.

Meaning you can smell and hear everything. One time I walked in on a full toilet.

I thought it was rude until I flushed and realized I probably woke up my room mate.

Oh well

The Bands

Wrist bands, we all wear. Get scanned about 15 times a day. For what? There aren't that many of us. They do it every time we go to a class, have a meal, need meds, get our vitals checked. I just ripped

mine off today because it is so uncomfortable and now all they do is ask for my name.

The more you know

How are you: Update

Today I yelled: “BAAAAAAADDDD jesus...”

but atleast he finally asked something different

“Do you have anything to live for”

“Yes, but I don't care”

I should probably stop acting like this. I think its triggering doris

Sibila made me a belated birthday card. It was super random, but also the sweetest

most important thing right now.

Lights

Ive been sleeping with them on every night so far. She likes them off but hasnt

said anything about it. Im just surprised the nurses allow it. I dont know why I do it.

I just sleep better. But maybe for tonight, just for doris, Ill turn them off.

Strengths

Believing in things I can not do

Visits

Mom brought me some fresh clothes and friends brought me candy

I managed to change into a fresh top and leggings and started to feel a bit better.

Might attend group tonight.

Update: group was boring and unhelpful

Doris

Apparently hates me

Fights

Atleast when you fight with someone here, they forget, and you can be friends again

The Suitcase

Today in art class I chose a wooden project. A suitcase. I decorated it like the night sky since stars calm me. Inside I placed a folded piece of fabric and some bead charms that would represent everything I would leave behind if I go:

Sunflowers- My family and friends

Stars and moon- nature

Korean symbols- knowledge

Buddhist hand- my wonders for the universe

teddy bear- my future possibilities

gold bracelet- material loves

Spiral- myself

blue diamond- hope

totem- values

colorful ball- passions

I still could not feel anything about it but I hope this is the old me trying to tell me something

Sibila

Has an eating disorder. She gave me a paper of her schedule and every hour said diet underneath

I notice that she doesn't really eat. Unless her mom brings her something.

Quotes

When you are a child, you have hopes and dreams of everything you want your future to be.

When you get older, you have plans for what you think will make you happy: A home, a job, love. But we all know that the future is unpredictable. We are not supposed to know what is going to happen anyways. Because if we did, that would be boring, or scarier, if possible. But you see, I had a moment, where I could see where my future was heading, and it was horrifying, and I just.. gave up.

Something positive

I decided to read the quotes in the dining hall.

“maybe the biggest opportunity is where you are standing right now”

A letter

Dear world,

I dont know if there is anything you could have done to prevent this outcome.  You didnt do anything that great or that horrible to me. None that I can think of at this moment

that I care to blame anything on. You just did, you just are. And we just live. And we just die.

But to my understandning,

ive enjoyed the beauties

and the perfect uglies

and im good

so lets wrap this up. Some might think I should be stronger

but nope. Its my choice.

Everyone here

says the same things

“when can I leave”

“gimme my stuff back”

Nurse james

is really fucking cute

I think he likes me because

he took my vitals even though mine was already taken today

did not object

Update: Never mind. All the nurses do this.

Doris

Likes old british rock music

Look up “the smiths”

Limbo

This morning I woke up and did not know anything. I did not know who I was or where I was

I had not a single thought. I felt like a newborn baby. I had forgotten that I was alive, ever alive,

or that there was even a life to live.

This did not break my heart as much as it should have.

And you want to know what happened next?

I got out of bed and used the bathroom when a nurse walked in and saw my face

and seemed annoyed at my unwelcoming presence

“Are you ever happy! Smile! You are beautiful and will be out of here in no time!”

My room mate applauded and agreed.

Hello

My name is priscilla and I am suicidal. I still can not imagine myself outside of this place. Even though I do not want to be here for long. Every time I try to tell myself that I owe my mom and sis, that I need to work harder, itll be okay, try to find love, I have to stop. Those things usually motivate me. But everyting short circuits me right now, and I do not know why.

I said good bye

On the last day, I decided to go to group

There was a young teacher asking ice breaker questions and only a few people this time. The old man who hears voices, Doris, Indian girl with translator, Taiwanese man with translator and me. I talked about my dad. That out of anything, the only thing that hurt or really mattered, was him not being there. I was the only one who cried that session. I left on good terms though. I wanted to talk and I finally got to. I thanked her genuinely. I left a note for nurse james. I said goodbye to cute billy, the one who talks to celebrities. Sibila, vikki and I got discharged together and we are now friends. The last days have felt like months and I can still taste the watery eggs, which I only tried once. But at least the worst is over.  

[stevescoles]

It’s one of the most dramatic changes to Northampton in the town’s history: two university campuses are closing and being rebuilt on a swathe of brownfield land along the River Nene and Bedford Road. The Waterside project will see over 13,000 students relocating to the largest enterprise zone in the uk, where a university of the future will sit alongside new office and housing developments. The development connects to the town centre through the Cultural Quarter and in the other direction to Delapre Abbey. The impact on Northamptonshire’s county town will be enormous, bringing alive a neglected sector of the borough and potentially reviving the fortunes of the town centre. The man charged with navigating the project into place has been University of Northampton Vice Chancellor Nick Petford. NQ Editor Steve Scoles spoke to him about conceiving and delivering Waterside, and asked him what could possibly go wrong…

NQ: Where did the idea for Waterside come from?

I came here in 2010 on the back of Anne Tate the previous Vice Chancellor and there was already something called an Estates Masterplan where the board of governors had set out what the university might look like in the future. It was quite ambitious, they had some ideas to either close Avenue and rebuild it at Park or expand Avenue in a massive way including covering it with a giant glass dome… so there were lots of exciting projects. That was put on hold when I came in and round about 2011 just after the local enterprise partnerships were set up. The brownfield site where Waterside will be was designated an Enterprise Zone, one of 15 across Britain and it’s the biggest one actually, that all of a sudden opened up a new possibility that we could relocate the university into a zone specifically designed for redevelopment with some serious backing from the local enterprise partnership and possibly the Government because it was on message. So that’s where that idea came from. We went down and we looked at it slowly from about 2011-2013 built up a series of plans and slowly got a project team together. All the time, I can’t make this decision on my own, it has to be a decision for the university board of governors. They were encouraging and the chair at the time Milan Shah was very supportive of the overall direction of the project. We finally put a bid together and pitched to the board with the architects and the planners in 2013 and the board approved the relocation project and that is when the real work started from that point on. Others have done it. We have been looking around the world and how university relocations over five to ten years can really regenerate an urban environment , bringing in art, creativity and money bluntly because you have got people there who weren’t there before buying stuff, and all of that helps an urban economy. We looked at Portland in Oregon where a university had moved, there is a classic case study of the university of Sandiego which moved into a dockside area and not a million miles away from us Lincoln and also Salford in Manchester, Salford Docks. There are examples from around the world where universities have been bold enough and ambitious enough to take on a redevelopment challenge and the outcome always appears to be really positive for both parties.

NQ: What have been the big challenges?

Everything should be on schedule, we have got a topping out ceremony for the Senate building later in April. Providing there is no disastrous weather coming up in the next few months we should be in a position to take the site over in spring next year, so its all looking good. It’s all on budget. In terms of the challenges, the sheer scale of it, dealing with up to 30 agencies simultaneously; highways, council, water companies, British Gas, British Telecom, all wanting their slice of flesh and all the rest of it, introducing complexities and conflicting demand. We are through that period now but you can see why these projects tip over, just the sheer weight of demand from all the third parties involved is tremendous and it is a very complicated transaction. We got through all that, keeping all the people on board is a challenge, there are the staff at the university, the students, but also local stakeholders, local people and individuals who have been with the university a long time and have seen it grow and flourish in its present estates, making sure that those indivuals are happy with the direction of travel, so it is a constant challenge actually. The Environment Agency were part of the discussion early on. They wanted us to work to a one in 200 year flood risk and we thought that wasn’t enough so we have raised the whole site a meter above the present level and that has given us a flood risk of one in a thousand years, so hopefully it won’t flood, we have mitigated the risk substantially.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

NQ: What got left out?

It is such a big project and the complexities of dealing with all the financial agencies things have come in, then gone, then come back in again. One big issue for me was making sure that we had decent sports provision. There was a time in the project when we thought that might not be as good as we wanted it but we have won that back now, there is also scope to develop that subsequently. There is a gym, we are going to build a sports dome now. What else would we have wanted? Perhaps more Halls of Residence, we would have wanted two or three hundred more student homes. We have had to cut back on that. It’s not the end of the world at all, we have still got over 1000 beds there but we could have done with a few more on site in the initial phase, but I am sure it will happen in the future.

NQ: We have heard that the new campus will promote something called a Blended Learning Environment, what does that mean?

We thought about what a future university could look like in terms of transforming our lives, if you look at your own industry (media) think about how digital has kind of ripped through local press, it just changed the game. The same thing could happen in higher education, the old model where you have a lecture theatre full of 300 students and talk at them for 50 minutes and then that’s it. Is that really worth a £9000 experience? I would argue that it isn’t. What is the alternative? How do you build a teaching and learning environment that is fit for the 21st century but balance that with a personalised approach? We decided against the lecture hall model, we are going to have a couple of fairly large lecture theatres but we are not going to have extensively this kind of structure. We are going to go for small class teaching, groups up to 30 to 50 in size. The blended aspect – what we call the flip classroom – we already do it it’s just not in a purpose designed building. We went to Singapore where they are quite advanced in this area. What it is, is that you consume the materials beforehand and the lecture isn’t a broadcast, it is a discussion around what you have learned. It places more onus on the student as a learner which I think will help them because it helps employability if you are self directed. It is slightly different for the lecturing staff because they wont be able, as I have done for years and got away with, to stand up in front of the students talking at them perhaps seeing them for a bit, the staff will have to change their mode of delivery as well, but using technology to break the back of the heavy lifting. It all goes online as much as possible, students download that on their mobile phone wherever they are any time of night or day. The idea that you have to turn up for a lecture at 9 oclcok on a Monday morning … why? It doesn’t make sense. Television doesn’t work like that any more so why should higher education? You still have to teach the students of course, but in a more face to face way, be more creative. There is no template for it steve, it is up to Northampton University to invent its own reality for higher education in the 21st century and that is a tremendously exciting opportunity for the staff and the students.

NQ: How will Waterside benefit the wider community of Northampton?

We want to build a community university, Massachuessetts Institute of Technology, is a good example one of the top five in the world by any measure and yet it is totally accessible to the public, they walk there, they have a picnic, they play with their children in the campus, it is open to the community in a way that Park Campus, although its been very good to us, and Avenue Campus simply aren’t. Being in this new location in the Enterprise Zone, being in a thoroughfare from the train station, through the culture quarter, down on to the campus, there will be cafes open and art installations going on and then to Delapre Abbey which opens up a whole facet of the town that currently isn’t being utilised.

NQ: Is Waterside too big to fail?

I guess it has happened now. The crash would have happened around the tendering and the land transactions and the affordability. Now the money is being spent, the buildings are coming out of the ground and you can see for yourself that it will be completed. What goes on inside is really important but we have a fantastic story to tell about a new teaching and learning model. That bit I cant see that not working. There will be teething problems and hiccups and all the rest of it, you can imagine what the snagging issues will be like next year. They will be there for sure but we have put something in place that will be sustainable 50years in the future, plus we have land there that we are not using all in one hit. What I mentioned earlier about it being an ongoing project is that whoever comes into this role in the future will actually have land to build on to grow and develop the university. That is putting us in a very strong position. It is something we can’t do on this campus because we are physically constrained by space. There is a great quote by Buckmeister Fuller the architect: ‘You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something build a new model that makes the existing one obsolete.’ I don’t mean to be critical of the existing model because this is a fantastic university, we have got brilliant staff and students and as I say, Park Campus and Avenue Campus have been absolutely superb. It is time to move on. We need to remain competitive. We need to be fit for the 21st century.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

NQ: What difference will Brexit make?

Like most universities we were keen to remain part of the European Union partly for vested interests because of students and access to markets. Our university wont be hit too badly because our numbers of EU students is about five to six percent, it is not a huge number and we can easily make up numbers from overseas full feeing paying students. We don’t get a huge amount of research income like more elite universities from things like the Horizon 20/20 programme so we wont miss that money. Where there might be an issue is if other universities come in for our market share, so they will be more focussed on uk students, down the line. The great comfort to all of us was the timing issue. I don’t know if it would have happened post Brexit but we managed to get the lion’s share of the funding from the bonds that the university issued, they are protected by a £231.5 million uk guarantee. The treasury was interested in our project so they have underwritten it. That makes it very secure for the next 40 years… unless an asteroid hits us.

 The Topping Out ceremony for the new Senate building is due to take place on April 25.

Hear the interview on Soundcloud:

Waterside: Too big to fail? It’s one of the most dramatic changes to Northampton in the town’s history: two university campuses are closing and being rebuilt on a swathe of brownfield land along the River Nene and Bedford Road.