#but then I’m inconsiderate and mean and uncaring for not supporting others

[oglegoggle]

I’ve really got a lifelong struggle with feeling like I’m not being taken seriously when I say that something is wrong and I need support. I don’t understand why honestly. I’ve had doctors outright tell me they don’t believe me when I voice concerns about my health. I’ve asked loved ones to accompany me to the doctor and help advocate for me and they either tell me I’m an adult I can go on my own or if they do come just stare at their phone the entire time and not say a word. I’ve had other doctors deny me care because of other doctors ordering tests I refused. I’ve asked for referrals to new doctors because of this treatment and been referred to the exact same doctor I asked to not see again. I’ve been denied care because treatments rendered no results they could discern and decided I’m the one not cooperating. I’ve tried to tell loved ones that my living accommodations are making me sick and been told to just deal with it. I’ve been suggested weight loss to treat worryingly rapid weight loss???

I just want to not be in pain anymore. I want to get top surgery. I want my seizures addressed. I want to not puke constantly. I want to quiet my mind.

I want to feel like my health and well-being matters

[errthel]

Route Two

This is my own fanfiction of @tri3tri 's Second Wife Au, but I'm actually not sure about one detail. In the route where Malleus was the one who took MC away from her lovely cottage, I think Lucien was also taken. But in the route where Maleficent was the one who took MC away, there wasn't any explicit saying that she also took Lucien or that he was born, but I just let my imagination run you know. So this is my flair of the Maleficent route of Second Wife AU.

That night when a tall woman took away his family was heavily ingrained into his mind. The fearful look on his mother's face as well as the ones his sister had forcefully rooted him behind the tree he was hiding behind.

The young boy couldn't breath, he was frozen for what seemed like an eternity. It wasn't until long after they left did he run.

He didn't know where to go, he ran and ran, and remembered his grandparents.

But the spiteful looks they had when they saw him and his sisters scared him.

The park that was near his family's cottage was open all day and night, and its rose garden provided the six year old boy comfort.

Once he reached the park, the skies turned pitch dark, if not for the street lamp, he would have been left in the black of the night without the comfort of his family. 

He heard the deep breeze of autumn as it lulled him into a deep sleep, uncaring if his body was shivering. He wanted to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.

The bright rays of the sun hit his dirty (h/c) hair. Even with the dirt from a few falls from last night's run, he still looked very good looking. Rubbing off the sand of his face with his small hands as well of dusting off the dirt on his shorts and shirt made him remember his mother. Always fretting when he fell down in their backyard. Her loving gaze as her hand gently rubbed of the soil. His sisters laughing in a light tone as they teased him for being a mama's boi.

The hand that rested on his shoulder as well as the looming shadow that was casted on him brought that fear he felt the night before.

"Lucien... where are your mother and sisters?" the deep gruff voice of his grandfather filled the atmosphere as Lucien's voice started to stick to his throat like honey

As he looked behind him, big fearful (e/c) eyes met sharp (e/c) ones. His grandfather's dark hair amplified his fear as it made him look even more intimidating, he still couldn't bring himself to talk about what had happen last night.

Lucien sharply looked down as tears threatened to spill from his eyes, his mouth clasped together to prevent any of his sobs to leave.

Why was he crying now? Why didn't he do it yesterday? The day he saw his family taken God knows where.

His breathing stopped when he felt his grandfather just lift him up and carry him, awkwardly patting his back as he felt him start to move.

The patting undid the young boy's last defenses, remembering when his mother did that to him, and he just started to bawl his eyes out, albeit silently still afraid of his maternal grandfather.

Somewhere during his grandfather's walk, Lucien's eyes could no longer take it as he was once again lulled into a deep sleep.

~

He could smell something good, food perhaps... He could feel the weight of the warm blanket as he observed the room he was in.

The ceilings were painted in a warm brown color, the bare walls were in an ivory tone as the dark colored bookshelves held a significant amount of books.

He didn't go far observing the room when the door was swung open, making him bring the blanket above his head.

The light footsteps wasn't like his grandfather's heavy ones, it was more like a womans, must have been his grandmother.

He could sense her placing a bowl or plate onto the side table as she shuffled to the bookshelf and pulling a book out before placing it on the side table.

Lucien only brought his head out when he heard the shutting of the door, looking over to the side table, he saw a tray full of food. It heavily surprised him as he was used to eating small portions due to his mother's meager income.

His eyes trailed to the book, it seemed like a journal and it made him wonder why his grandmother would give him this book. He tried reaching for the book before the grumbling of his stomach stopped him, so he just sat in an Indian sitting position to enjoy his food.

Giving thanks before tucking in his food was something his mother was adamant about, so he gave thanks and looked at the spread that he was given.

The warm grilled fish, the white rice, some pickled vegetables, a small bowl of soup, and a plastic cup that read 'coffee jelly' made him uncomfortable. He didn't know if he could finish it, but to at least thank his grandparents, he tried his best to do that.

Halfway into the meal, he could no longer take it, he felt a foreign feeling, as if his belly was about to burst. Lucien placed down the chopsticks to recover his belly by gently rubbing it.

"Already full?" the voice made Lucien almost jump out of his skin with a little shriek

He looked behind, his eyes as large as saucers as he looked at his grandmother.

She was a beautiful woman, around the age of forty-five, even then the glow of her pale skin and slightly chapped but pink lips brought a youthful look to her. Her (h/c) hair was put into a ponytail while she wore a frilly pink apron.

"Yeah..." unlike his grandfather, Lucien's grandmother was easier to converse with, but her anger knows no bounds as he experienced years ago

"My goodness, she really didn't feed you enough." her sigh as she berated her own daughter reminded Lucien of what she was actually capable of but he couldn't bear someone insulting his mother

"She didn't mean to! She had to feed my sisters as well... I'm fine with eating little..." his voice trailed off as he remembered his sisters

Would he be able to see them ever again? Play with them? He doesn't know...

"Did anything happen to her? Your sisters? Albert went to your house before he looked for you, he saw that it was burnt down." she had a pleading tone to her voice as she gently held his hands

"Ah- I-" his voice was stuck in his throat once more before he calmed down and finally answered, "A tall woman left with them, I wasn't taken because I hid behind a tree..."

"my dear boy... I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." she said as she hugged her grandson, her tears running down her face

"W-wh-why?" he managed to croak out, he wondered why they were angry when his mother met with them

"W-we were inconsiderate. I was disappointed and distraught... my daughter went missing for years and came back with children... I'm so sorry..." her incessant crying made Lucien unconsciously bring his hands to her back as he rubbed her back with his small hands

She let go but kept her hands on his, looking at Lucien she asked, "Can we make it up to you? Be the grandparents we were supposed to be?" her hazel eyes pleaded to the young boy who looked down for a moment

"I don't know..." expecting a hit or a shout for his ungratefulness he braced himself for it before he was surprised

"Take your time love."

Looking up, he saw his grandmother leave the room, her white dress trailing behind her. His eyes trailed to the tray, half-full of food, he took up the chopsticks once more and ate the remains of the food, holding back some tears.

His hand a took the unfamiliar plastic cup and he teared its covering before revealing a black gelatinous thing... he took the spoon and took a bite, cringing at its bitterness. He saw another smaller cup and hesitantly opened it, a sweet aroma wafting through, he poured the white liquid and tried again and melted at the taste. The bitterness paired with the delicate sweetness of the cream made his heart lift up into happier spirits.

Afterwards he took the journal onto his lap and started reading it. To his surprise it was his grandparents shared diary. Their thoughts when his mother went missing, their brokenheartedness when she didn't come home from school, the sadness they had each and every day she wasn't there, and their regret when they had let their anger take over when she came back with children.

Lucien felt tears in his eyes as he cried himself to sleep, his eyes were probably puffy from all his crying but he couldn't care less because all he can think of was his family...

~

Albert came home at dark, his wife sniffling as she came down with an empty tray in hand. Hugging her from behind, he rested his head on her shoulder, his dark locks rubbing against her exposed neck.

"Hanna... how is he?" his deep voice gently asking his significant other

"He's shaken, I broke down infront of him. I-I just can't face him without reminding myself of what I did years ago." she cried before she was stopped by her husband

"It wasn't just your fault. It was also my own. What we can do for Lucien is to be there for him and make it up for him, to support him, and to protect him." Albert said

"Our daughter was taken by someone, as well as our granddaughters... I can just feel like I failed for another time."

Soft snivles came from the woman as her husband stayed strong, the night before he found Lucien, they both received what could be called visions of what had happen to their daughter, intensifying their guilt.

Their daughter was brought into a magical world and was forced into a marriage she didn't desire with a monster, forced to bare his children and when she finally was able to escape another one came following after her, taking her and their granddaughters. Realizing their mistake, Albert went to apologize, but ended up finding a burnt cottage and in the park, a tired and dirty Lucien.

Lucien being the only grandchild they had left and they wanted to fix their past behavior and become better people, for Lucien's sake, for their daughter's sake, for Renata and Sherrie's sake, for their own sake...

~

[academedic]

i’m starting a series of writing masterposts! there are 4 parts and they will all contain words/phrases to use when writing, specifically in essays or summaries! hopefully some of y’all find this helpful :)

part 1 of 4 → words showing tone: words that portrays the author’s tone, organized into positive, negative, and neutral categories 

this is also a great list for finding synonyms!

positive

Admiring approving; respectful; praising

Amused entertained; diverted; pleased

Animated lively; spirited; impassioned; vibrant

Appreciative grateful; thankful; enthusiastic

Ardent enthusiastic; passionate

Assertive self-confident; strong-willed; authoritative; insistent

Awestruck amazed; reverential

Benevolent sympathetic; tolerant; generous; caring; 

Celebratory praising; glorify; honor

Chatty informal; lively; conversational; familiar

Comic humorous; witty; entertaining; diverting

Compassionate sympathetic; empathetic; warm-hearted; tolerant; kind

Diplomatic tactful; subtle; sensitive; thoughtful

Earnest [showing deep sincerity or feeling] serious

Empathetic understanding; kind; sensitive

Encouraging optimistic; supportive

Enthusiastic excited; energetic

Evasive ambiguous; cryptic; unclear

Excited emotionally aroused; stirred

Formal respectful; stilted; factual; 

Frank honest; direct; plain; matter-of-fact

Gentle kind; considerate; mild; soft

Humble deferential; modest

Humorous amusing; entertaining; playful

Impassioned [filled with emotion] ardent

Impressionable trusting; child-like

Inspirational encouraging; reassuring

Intense earnest; passionate; concentrated; deeply felt

Intimate familiar; informal; confidential; confessional

Joyful positive; optimistic; cheerful; elated

Laudatory praising; recommending

Light-Hearted carefree; relaxed; chatty; humorous

Loving affectionate; 

Optimistic hopeful; cheerful

Pensive reflective; introspective; philosophical; contemplative

Persuasive convincing; eloquent; influential; plausible

Philosophical theoretical; analytical; rational; logical

Playful humorous; jesting

Pragmatic realistic; sensible

Reverent [showing deep respect and esteem]

Righteous [morally right and just] guiltless; pious

Sincere honest; truthful; earnest

Sympathetic [understanding of how someone feels] compassionate

Thoughtful reflective; serious; absorbed

Tolerant open-minded; charitable; patient; sympathetic; lenient

Virtuous lawful; righteous; moral; upstanding

Whimsical quaint; playful; mischievous; offbeat

Witty clever; quick-witted; entertaining

Wonder awe-struck; admiring; fascinating

negative

Absurd illogical; ridiculous; silly; implausible; foolish

Accusatory [suggesting someone has done something wrong] complaining

Acerbic sharp; forthright; biting; hurtful; abrasive; severe

Aggressive hostile; determined; forceful; argumentative

Aggrieved indignant; annoyed; offended; disgruntled

Angry incensed; enraged; threatening; menacing

Apologetic regretful; repentant; remorseful; acknowledging failure

Arrogant pompous; disdainful; overbearing; condescending; vain; scoffing

Belligerent hostile; aggressive; combatant

Bitter angry; acrimonious; antagonistic; spiteful; nasty

Callous cruel disregard; unfeeling; uncaring; indifferent; ruthless

Caustic [making biting, corrosive comments] critical

Concerned worried; anxious; apprehensive

Condescending patronizing

Confused bewildered; vague

Contemptuous scornful; insolent; mocking

Critical finding fault; disapproving; scathing; criticizing

Cruel unkind; spiteful; severe

Cynical [scornful of motives/virtues of others] mocking; sneering

Defensive shielding; guarding; watchful

Defiant obstinate; argumentative; defiant; contentious

Demeaning disrespectful; undignified

Depressing sad, melancholic; discouraging; pessimistic

Derisive snide; sarcastic; mocking; dismissive; scornful

Detached aloof; objective; unfeeling; distant

Disapproving displeased; critical; condemnatory

Disheartening discouraging; demoralizing; undermining; depressing

Disparaging dismissive; critical; scornful

Direct straightforward; honest

Disappointed discouraged; unhappy because something has gone wrong

Dispassionate impartial; indifferent; unsentimental; cold; unsympathetic

Distressing heart-breaking; sad; troubling

Egotistical self-absorbed; selfish; conceited; boastful

Facetious inappropriate; flippant

Farcical [humorous and highly improbable] ludicrous; absurd; mocking; 

Flippant superficial; glib; shallow; thoughtless; frivolous

Forceful powerful; energetic; confident; assertive

Frustrated annoyed; discouraged

Ghoulish [delighting in the revolting or the loathsome]

Grim serious; gloomy; depressing; lacking humor; macabre

Gullible naïve; innocent; ignorant

Hard unfeeling; hard-hearted; unyielding

Hypercritical unreasonably critical; hair splitting; nitpicking

Inane silly; foolish; stupid; nonsensical

Incensed enraged

Indignant annoyed; angry; dissatisfied

Irreverent [lacking respect for things that are generally taken seriously]

Jaded [ having had too much of the same thing] bored; lack enthusiasm

Judgmental critical; disparaging

Macabre gruesome; horrifying; frightening

Malicious [desiring to harm others or to see others suffer] ill-willed; spiteful

Mean-Spirited inconsiderate; unsympathetic

Mocking scornful; ridiculing

Mourning grieving; lamenting; woeful

Naïve innocent; unsophisticated; immature

Narcissistic self-admiring; selfish; boastful; self-pitying

Nasty unpleasant; unkind; disagreeable; abusive

Negative unhappy, pessimistic

Obsequious [overly obedient and/or submissive] fawning; groveling

Outraged furious; extremely angered

Pathetic expressing pity, sympathy, tenderness

Patronising condescending; scornful; pompous

Pessimistic [seeing the negative side of things]

Pretentious affected; artificial; grandiose; rhetorical; flashy

Regretful apologetic; remorseful

Resentful aggrieved; offended; displeased; bitter

Resigned accepting; unhappy

Restrained controlled; quiet; unemotional

Satirical [making fun to show a weakness] ridiculing; derisive

Sarcastic scornful; mocking; ridiculing

Scathing critical; stinging; unsparing; harsh

Scornful scathing; dismissive

Sensationalistic provocative; inaccurate; distasteful

Skeptical disbelieving; unconvinced; doubting

Subjective prejudiced; biased

Sulking bad-tempered; grumpy; resentful; sullen

Tragic disastrous; calamitous

Uneasy worried; uncomfortable; edgy; nervous

Vindictive vengeful; spiteful; bitter; unforgiving

World-Weary bored; cynical; tired

Worried anxious; stressed; fearful

Wretched miserable; despairing; sorrowful; distressed

neutral

Ambivalent uncertain; in a dilemma; undecided

Apathetic [showing little interest] lacking concern; indifferent; unemotional

Candid truthful, straightforward; honest; unreserved

Cautionary gives warning; raises awareness; reminding

Colloquial familiar; informal; casual

Complex complicated

Compliant [agree or obey rules] acquiescent; flexible; submissive

Conciliatory [intended to placate or pacify] appeasing

Curious inquisitive; questioning

Dignified serious; respectful; formal; proper

Docile compliant; submissive; deferential; accommodating

Impartial unbiased; neutral; objective

Imploring pleading; begging

Incredulous disbelieving; unconvinced; questioning; suspicious

Informative instructive; factual; educational

Ironic [the opposite of what is meant]

Nostalgic thinking about the past; wishing for something from the past

Objective without prejudice; without discrimination; fair; based on fact

Outspoken frank; candid; spoken without reserve

Sentimental [thinking about feelings, especially when remembering the past]

Solemn not funny; in earnest; serious

Submissive compliant; passive; accommodating; obedient

Unassuming modest; self-effacing; restrained

Urgent insistent; saying something must be done soon

source

→ other masterposts | my masterposts | my posts

[bi-lullaby]

I already sent you the list of male characters, so here's a list of our amazing GA women to try to rank from your favorite to least favorite, no ties allowed! :) Meredith, Cristina, Bailey, Izzie, Callie, Lexie, April, Jo, Arizona, Maggie, Amelia, Teddy, Addison, Erica. Good luck, and as always, feel free to include your reasons why because I love your answers! I realized while typing this that overall I love the way GA writes its female characters a lot more than its male ones, btw

Oh honey, same! Here’s my list, whoch has some Solid Reasons but the main one is who makes me recreate this gif:

More enthusiastically, which is very personal, otherwise by level of awesomeness it’d be, like, a 10-way tie!

1 - Meredith. I feel in love with her in the first ep and that has only grow exponentially over the last 15 seasons. Is she perfect? As far for it as possible. She can be harsh and inconsiderate of other people’s feelings, she can be arrogant and agressive. I know that. But I also feel she’s the character who’s the most aware of her own flaws and who actively tries to overcome them. Her whole relationship with Derek was a six season long of her working over her issues until she felt ready to be more intimate and close to someone and marry him. I feel like everyone is a little too harsh on her (main character curse). Every other person on the show is allowed to have bad days, to lash out and mourn and be sefish whrn they’re going through a lot (i mean, Amy has a whole speech to Mer about how “she’s never lost the love of her life” and “she doesn’t know how that messes a person up, and yet I see so many people agreeing with that and hating Mer when she was the one in Amy’s position and also took some less than stellar, hurtful decisions) but Mer, who has quantitatively gone through the most (not a competition because I feel she, Jo and Amy are on equal footing, just by sheer number of bad things), is called whinny, bitchy, cold, uncaring, when she is anything but! She cares so freaking much she’s willingb to go to any distance! Donating her liver to her stranded father because of her loved little sister? Risking her job and career for someone she loves? Risking her life/career/license for patients? Welcomig people in her home with open arms? Operating through a miscarriage while her husband lies dying on the next OR? Being a great friend who defends, sticks by, forgives, comforts and protects who she loves from abusive exes, jail, judgment or tests? She has done all that and more. Also, she’s so empathetic/compassionate! She refused to bet on George’s failure on season one, she was the only one to try and shield that “tumor pregnancy” patient from judgment, she was the only one (not her best and oldest friend or hes husband, Mer) to get Jo to talk after she became depressed, she defended Cristina’s choice to Owen even if that was not what she’d personally do (she had tried so hard for a baby! She went out of her way to adopt Zola!) not just because she had empathy for the fetus that would grow to mimic her own situation, but for the woman who would mimic her mother’s (also, low-key one of the best speeches, damn)! She feels everyone’s pains and tries her best to help! She’s dorky and fun and smiles so often, no matter how bad her life has been! She pushes people to be their best (Alex, Cristina, Jo). She’s a great teacher! Also, one of the things that make me the softest is how she recognizes the flaws in her upbringing and tries her best to correct them and not continue that bad cycle with her own children! When she’s mad and needs to be alone, she tells Zola “you’re perfect, and mommy needs a minute”. When she’s dating, she puts her kid’s feelings first and foremost! When she’s away from them, she misses them like crazy! She talks about them with a brilliant, vivid smile! All of her relationships are fantastic (she’s such a people-person, as much as she tries to cover it up and doesn’t know how to truly express it) and some criminally underrated. She’s a kind, brilliant, loving, still flawed, beautiful woman who deserves the world and more, and I’m on Meredith Grey’s defense squad from now till forever!

2 - Arizona. As a bubbly blonde wlw who’s interested in being a pediatric surgeon, has authority+parental issues and an older sibling she loves, Arizona is one of those “I see myself in them” characters that just make me so happy! I felt both represented and inspired to try my best, to be at the top of my game but jot let go of my humanity and compassion and happiness. It’s weird because I didn’t quite like her in the first few eps she appeared, as she was rude and biphobic and kinda crass. Then she grew on me enormously. I think her relationships are all so criminally underrated, and that she should come back with Callie and Sophia and April in tow and make my day. I suffered when she suffered, and when she smiles, I feel lighter and happier, truly! She showcases some important messages! I have said this in a previous post, but I love that she... Came into the show and left pretty much the same. Her arc wasn’t as much about change as it was about finding herself again, glueing her pieces back together again. She entered a bubbly, hardcore, brilliant peds surgeon who had a very strong, clear set of values, was able-bodied, enamorated with Callie Torres and didn’t want to have children, out and proud and beautiful. She left a bubbly, hardcore peds+fetal surgeon, a mother, with a very strong, clear set of values, woman with a disability, enamorated with Callie Torres, out and proud and beautiful. Some things changed and she grew, like any healthy, normal human being, but seeing her get lost in such a dark place where so litte of the true Arizona showed through and then have her come back to who she truly was, stronger and wiser and more determined, really puts out a hopeful message that I adore.

3 - Amelia. Has she been inconsistent? Did they apparently slap the tumor storyline on her already suffering character just to make up for it? Yeah. But overall I completely adore Amy. She has been through so much, so repeatedly, and I’m amazed at how she’s still... Such a deeply good person. She smiles and laughs and cares and helps and works and saves and emphatisazes and worries and loves. She’s adorable with children and so loving with Mer’s. She’s kind to the point of almost being a pushover, but knows when to stand up for herself. I adore her and Mer’s relationsjip and wish it was a lot more developed! I love those two strong, tragedy-plaged women having each other as a support system! I love how soft she is with Maggie, how she’s so considerate of her! I love how she fughts to be in Leo’s life! I love how she worries about what’s best for everyone! And I hope she has a lot of good coming her way those next seasons. She deserves the world.

4 - Maggie. She’s such a breathe of fresh air! She’s bubbly and awkward and stuttering and idealistic and worry-prone! She is learning! She feel so real, so relatable! Can she be annoying? Sure! A lot of the times! I have been annoyed with her a lot! But there are so many characters who have that flaw and worse and are so loved, why is she so scorned? Being brilliant, young, still figuring things out, hard-worker, sensitive, those are not flaws or bad things. Maggie deserves a world of happiness and some kids of her own to smother with that gentle love of hers, and to have more developed relationship with everyone in that show. Also, the lady-chief trifecta gives me life! She’s a good balance to all thsoe tragedy-stricken, life-weary people at GSMH and I stand by that.

5 - Bailey is fantastic and badass and one part of a powercouple that owns my heart and a goddamn talented surgeon and an adorable mother and probably gives the best hugs and the actress is SO DAMN TALENTED like that eye acting? A MASTERPIECE. She’s also one of the hearts of the show and it’d not be the same without her. She reminds me a lot of Peggy Carter - golden hearted badassess who’ve been put through the ringer by people who ask her to measure up to her male (and, in bailey’s case, white) colleagues - and who not only does it but is usually better than then. Not gonna lie, when she got chief, I felt like it had been my own flesh and blood being promoted to her dream job! But I don’t feel like it did her too well (neither does the narrative, apparently, since they had her get a heartattack and a sabatical and relationship problems because of it). I know it wont happen but I wish she’d, like, take a nice trip, maybe write a book, vacay, breath, work on her mental health and come back feeling good and ready to take on the world! One of the scenes that makes her be so awesome to me is her talk with Cristina when they’re both pregnant: Bailey, cuddling her stomach and loving her unborn baby, telling Cristina (wary and tired and absolutely not wanting to be carrying a fetus) that no one can judge her for her choice and that she is able to make that choice! Talk about supporting women on different paths than you! What pushes her “ranking” a bit lower on my list than what it’d have been in the first seasons is that the fandom put her on such a pedestal that she cannot be or do no wrong, ever, and that quickly makes me sick of a character. Bailey commits insurance fraud (changing the hour on a surgery so it’d be covered) to help a patient? Have never seen anyone even comment on it. Mer/Alex do the same? Oh nooooo, go off on them, Bailey! Bailey’s such a hardass she’s nicknamed “the Nazi”? BADASS (and she was). Any other character is hard on their interns/residents? Monsters, bitches, poor things. It’s more an issue with the fandom, ofc, but well, that has made me hate characters I previously loved, so I’m really sad it happed to her (not that I hate her, I love her, I’ve just became annoyed with the character), and with characters that become “mouthpieces” to the narrative (wanna show the character is wrong? Have Bailey yell at them, even if Bailey might be on their side/not care/have done the same or similar/isn’t that close to them) and thus, loose a bit of their authenticity. Plus, there’s this one thing that’s core to her personality and makes me annoyed (probs irrationally): any doctor: screws up bailey: I RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THIS. Like, you... Didn’t? They were grown-ass adults when they came to know her, were her interns for... Under a year? (it felt like a long time to us but the first three seasons were a year and they had vacation and she went on maternity leave). And then went their merry ways with her being a resident and them too (not to count the ones that weren’t even her interns, like April and Jackson. Plus, have you considered that with all their screw-ups (and there have been maaaaany), she should either realize that she isn’t responsible for their actions and stop pulling that tired, over-used, untrue card, or that she might not have “raised” them so well, if she insists that’s what she did? I get the feeling and it’s sweet, just... not True and kinda overused.

6 - Lexie. Death I cried the hardest. She was such a baby, trying her goddamn best! So smart, so kind, so passionate! I also really identified wither her “dorky, clumsy younger sibling who most people would (wrongly) name “the smart one”, the overeating and the romanticism and the passionate arguing over facorite characters). She’s just not quite as far up on my list because A) It’s been so long and I’m not yet on my rewatch where she shows up, so I feel like I might be glorifying/glossing over her flaws, B) Her immaturity in the relationship with Mark is annoying, C) The fandom glosses over all her flaws and always, always, always places her as 100% the only, sole, victim, which turns me off a lot, D) She was kind of a Mary Sue. I mean, photographic memory that allows her borderline superpowers and being so sweet it was almost nauseating and never being wrong and being irresistible and and and...and E) SHE HAD THE AUDACITY TO DIE LIKE THAT AND BREAK MY GODDAMN HEART.

7 -Callie! My sweet angel Callie! She’s just... I don’t even have words! Her relationships are all funny and amazing and I loved her from when she first appeared, as much as she’s changed throughout the seasons! I love that she is selfless and brave and wild and fun and quitky. It breaks my heart to see her sad, and I’ll never forgive her mother for the treatment of her! She definetly deserves better. I am so sad she’s not on the show anymore, just hope that she’s happy with Ari and their kid (s? Now? Maybe? Wouldn’t that be great?).

8 - Cristina. He character is refreshing, because she is allowed. To continue not being a people person. To have moments and realizations and weakness without taking a 180° turn and going from a type A to B in a second with no explanation (like in every Holidays movie in which a successful business woman who’s dedicated herself to her career all her life moves to a small city and suddenly, after meeting one “soft”guy, is a farm girl at heart who wants to have ten children and a traditional wedding and quit her job to stay-at-home because reasons). To have an abortion. To continue not wanting children. To marry and divorce and still be a whole person. To have her years of sacrifice and hard work pay off with the biggest career glow-up. Sandra’s acting knocks it out of the park, too, there’s no contest. Also, for a “robot”, she has some of the most emotional, deep, telling scenes in the show! Taking care of Mer before the boards even if it might mean she’d get sick too? Her scene with George’s dad? Crying to Webber because she “lost her edge?” The “i’m free” scene? Talking about her father? Ugh, my heart! I placed her “low” (Still top ten female characters and top ten Grey’s characters tho) because, as amazing as she is, she also reminds me a lot of people that ruined my life or made it miserable. That sass and arrogance and and self-centered tendencies might be endearing in-character but irl, I’d suffer if I had to be around her. Also, because I’m too much a Mer stan (and I admit that this point is a total bias), I kinda still can’t let go of their fight in season 9 (when Mer had Bailey and Cristina felt left out and just... Was not nice about it). Humans make mistakes! She wasn’t 100% in the wrong! Mer said some crap too! But as I said, this is based on feelings more than fact and that one fight left me so uncomfortable and I felt Cristina crossed some really personally-important-to-me lines. Plus, there’s this glorification some things of her that just... Make me angry. This is coming from someone from a family with lots of doctors, who’s studying to be a doctor, who’s had all her teachers stop in class to beg us to ask for help and work on our mental health, whose choice in profession was the reason the university kick-started one of the country’s first mental health support system for students (that now includes all curses but was created for Med students): The profession is sick. Doctors are suicidal and overworked and unhealthy and tired and dropping dead like freaking flies, and that’s even worse in surgeons. My uncle (also a cardiologist, funnily enough) died at fifty from a heart attack because he worked himself to death. My aunt died from a manageable condition in a minor procedure because she let it go on to long before treating (working). My other aunt has lost many close doctor friends to heart problems. My cousin and another uncle are depressed. My sister almost developed a tachycardia from trying to stay awake using energetics during her residency. My class is all physically sick (I’m writting this from bed) because we’re so overwhelmed with a course that’s not only integral but demands so much, and we’re just students. A doctor in my city died with his son in a car crash that left his daughter severely injured and on the brink of death coming back from the beach in the middle of the night because he was going to be on-call!

(Had to split it in paragraphs bc tumblr) Two doctors under forty-five died from sudden heart failures from being over-worked this year! And that’s just in my city (which is not a big city! At all) ! And being like Cristina (obsessed, power-hungry, sleeping at the hospital, eating basically crap to save time, havingonly one really close friend to the point that when they fought, living at the hospital, feeling like surgery is the only thing that completed her) is a recipe to disaster. You know what the profession also is? Divided. From the society that some consider they are “a gift to” to other health professions that they put themselves on a pedestal away from and everyone else is inferior, and from themselves, students that sabotage each other or refuse to colaborate and thus create teams that don’t work together, doctors that don’t communicate, don’t appreciate each other’s specialties and knowledge and help. Cristina doesn’t meet all that criteria, but some really remind me of her. So it kills me when I hear people say she was the best doctor, because she reminds me of so much that’s just... Wrong, that I see everyday, and it frustrates me. That is incredibly personal, and applying too much of the optics of reality to the show, but it’s my truth, and no matter how iconic the character is, I can’t shake it off.

9 - Jo. Baby girl is so ready to take on the world! I said this in my “Meredith x People” post, but Jo reminds me a lot of Mer! Same fierceness, stubborness, same rough edges, talented, caring, protective. Love her and Camilla’s acting makes her one of the deepest, most fascinating characters, and her storylines tell so many important messages! I just... Don’t have a lot to say about her, now that I’ve come to think about it, I feel like she’s pretty self-explanatory. Loved her-centric eps!

10 - Erica. I didn’t understand then and don’t understand now why the fuck is there so much hatred for her! She stood up for her rights! She didn’t take Cristina’s crap like everyone else (Cristina has her quirks and was bound to meet someone with whom they clashed who wouldn’t stand for it! That happened to be Erica!) She was ethical! She was so sweet with Callie! She was a great doctor! She wanted the hospital to be great and was willing to work for it! I feel like the main factors in it are that back then we were told, through the narrative, that we should and we were all young so we accepted that, and because the actress isn’t one of those bombshell model-likr beauties. Had it been, like, Jessica playing her in a more recent season, I doubt she would be that hated! Anyhow, I miss her.

11 - Addison. She was so great! Maybe not my favorite, but she had great moments and was criminally underrated! Maybe one day her coming back won’t be a delusion and I’ll have more to say here. What I do have to say is that she can be another example of the “show’s mouthpiece”, at least in regards to Derek. Like, we have her come back to Seattle and promptly scream at Mer for “letting Derek go” like he was the best thing in the world (lmao) without even knowing what had happened when... In reality... She literally cheated because she felt neglected and forgotten in their marriage, had a talk to Mer where she learned Derek had hurt her too... It feels cheap and unauthentic and gets in the way of my immersion.

12 - April. I can feel the confusion at why she’s ranking so low, but... April never really spoke to me. She had good moments, she was sweet, a good doctor, had great relationships and went through bad things, but in none of those moments was I standing up on my seat like I was with others. She went through a journey like Arizona’s, to find herself after something terrible instead of to change who she was, but still she’s called “the biggest evolution” by some fans and I just... Don’t see that (maybe it’s because Sarah Drew got even prettier with time so it was a visual evolution). I like her well enough. Lets put it that way: I’d not be at all opposed if she came back into the show, but I’d be also disappointed it wasn’t some other character I love more. I widh he had gotten more of her, actually! I’d probably like her more! I wanted more developed relationships, like with Mer (we could have had it aaaaaaaalllll x3) or Owen (they were in a war zone together and we barely see the aftermath besides a couple scenes with her telling hima bt the baby and at her first wedding), maybe with Riggs and Alex and even more fleshing out of Japril instead of more drama! She’d feel more real and appealing. Plus her whole storyline with taking the position of head of surgery and switching sides after she’d been one of the main advocators for Webber, then refusing to acknowledge she might not have been the nicest for it, kinda threw me off a bit (not a lot, it just felt random? Like, didn’t feel like something she’d do, but I didn’t think I knew enough about her to say it wasn’t, for sure?).

13 - Izzie. Again, she never appealed to me personally. She had amazing moments, but they were just moments. Opening a multi-million dollar beneficiary clinic? Top shelf-good. But she also had bad moments and, more importantly, bad patterns. She judged and judged Mer’s inappropriate relationship, almost got to the point of talking about it around the hospital to get her in trouble, called her a slut basically to her face, and whined about George’s “too fast, not based on anything” relationship... But would not accept to be judged on her own, even more inappropriate (and illegal) and equally rushed relationship. She did not approve when someone made a decision that she would not have made. She berated Meredith’s and Cristina’s close friendship like she was entitled to the same treatment and like she also didn’t have a best friend. I was bored by her most of the times, angry others, and only rarely pleased/happy/empathetic with.

As you can see, I only dislike the very last place, and hate none, so go girls! Hope you liked this!

[tkmk]

i understand why people make those types of posts so i’m not saying anyone should stop, and i don’t want anyone to feel obliged to cater to my insecurities or whatever, but i hate seeing messages about “cutting negative or not-absolutely-positive influences out of your life” or “looking back on people you used to be friends with and wondering what the hell you were thinking.”

it is something that plays directly into my fears about how anything that is positive in the present is inevitably going to become a negative. it feels like even if those messages don’t apply to me now, they will do in the future, so what’s the point of even trying?

it’s pretty counter-intuitive, because the fact that positive things don’t last forever doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them in the present. if anything, the potential for things to become negative is actually more of an incentive to remain focused in the moment and appreciate it for what it is.

that’s not really how my brain works, though. my mindset is that if i allow myself to become fully immersed in any positive aspects of my life, it’s going to be that much worse when things inevitably go wrong. there’s the shame of thinking things could be any better than this, the embarrassment of other people noticing my failures; the more you get invested in people, the harder it will be when you/they realise they don’t actually like you, and the more intensely they will regret even knowing you in the first place.

with this sort of mentality is very easy to reach a point of thinking, well, if i’m going end up detached and isolated anyway then i can at least reclaim some control over my fate by choosing to be in that position. going through the motions of social contact is just a fraud, a performance, a waste of everybody’s time and i can forego the stress, and reduce the harm done to myself and others, by just avoiding it altogether. it’s very tempting to think that maybe i should just accept that there is something about me that means i am never going to capable of really interacting with people, so maybe if i eliminate that part of my life entirely, it will allow me to dedicate my time more fully to something else - e.g. a phd and a career in research - and if i can at least be good at that, then maybe that will make up for everything else.

logically speaking though, this is such a toxic line of thinking for myself. the times when my mental health has been at its worst, the times when i’ve been closest to killing myself, are those when i’ve been most disconnected from other people. so far i’ve always managed to come out of those periods (obviously, otherwise i wouldn’t be making this post) but it’s not a sustainable way of living, and if i ever end up successfully completely isolating myself for a prolonged period, it feels like there’s only one place that ends up.

i think perfectionist tendencies are another thing that have a harmful role here, but it’s only occurred to me relatively recently that you don’t actually have to be Best Friends Forever with someone for a friendship to have meaning. family, people in my department that i interact with casually on a daily basis, people who i know on here - these things are actually really significant to me and i am doing a lot better now than moments in the past when i have attempted to cut them out.

still, it’s horrible to be convinced that anyone who currently thinks positively of me is one day going to regret that, that they’re going to be ashamed of ever having any association with me. i guess the thing to do is to try to think out the reasons why people might regret a friendship. an obvious example is if a person is abusive, in which case the regret is clearly justified, and i know enough about myself to say that i am not going to intentionally abuse or be cruel to other people.

the other broad reason we could look at is if someone is a poor friend through being uncaring, inconsiderate, selfish, or in some way neglectful of the effort required to maintain friendships. this is the thing that worries me the most - the idea that i am going to have a negative impact on someone through not supporting them or behave in a way that leads them to think i don’t like them. now clearly, being uncaring is not my problem, but my tendency to avoid situations that might be unpleasant is something that can actually precipitate a lot of my fears here. “i’m worried about being a poor friend to people so i’m going to cut them out of my life entirely” is actually pretty counter-intuitive when you think about it, and while it’s not easy to get out of that mindset, i’m trying to at least make some small steps by, y’know, not doing all that.

the third generalised reason why someone might regret knowing me is just because they think i’m lame or weird or pathetic or something like that, which is the direction i feel a lot of my friendships have gone in the past. i guess that underlies a lot of my fears; my feeling is people think positively of me until they actually get to know me and realise how “weird” i am. a relatively novel idea that has occurred to me fairly recently, is that if being “pathetic” is the only reason why someone doesn’t want to know me then i haven’t actually done anything wrong there; perhaps that is not actually someone i want to be friends with anyway.

it’s unrealistic to expect everyone you meet to like you, certainly no one is obliged to, and you can never avoid the fact that some people will dislike you - i’ve spent my whole life suppressing personality traits so as to avoid a negative reception from others, and i’ve still developed antagonistic relationships in the past precisely as a consequence of that. it’s important to remember that, despite all of that, friendships do not exist in a world of absolutes - i have had negative relationships with people in the past, that does not mean that no one likes me or will ever like me.

the other thing is that friendships don’t last forever. they just don’t; even if they last until death, there is still an end point there. that end point, however, does not mean that those friendships were not valuable while they were active, it does not necessarily erase the positive impacts those people had on your life or mean that you can’t ever look back fondly on the positives.

i don’t want anyone who reads this to feel like they are obliged to be my friend or be nice to me for the sake of my well-being. i don’t want that, it’s not fair to expect that of people, and i think sincerity and honesty are two of the most important aspects of friendship. forcing these things does nobody any favours in the long run.

this post isn’t about expecting other people to change how they interact with me, because the problems here aren’t how other people act. i am actually so grateful for the friends that i do have, and i guess what i’m trying to do here is to convince myself that it is worth (and that i am capable of) making the effort to maintain those relationships. my anxieties about things ending up in the worst possible scenario do not, in fact, need to become self-fulfilling prophecies.