#but the thing abt me is ill convince myself that its all in my head. like i made this happen with my mind and there's nothing wrong but als

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[itsalwaysdark]

the worst part is like . I know it sounds like ocd and i know a lot of ppl with ocd and i watch them talk abt their experiences and i relate a ton but then my brains like How dare you relate to them and try to compare. youre just an evil person and youre trying to pretend you have ocd . and its actually different and the fact you even thought for a second "oh thats similar to what i experience" means that you will be a bad person forever and you cant fix it and you need to go to hell. and you dont have ocd youre just actually an evil person. so i cant actually let myself think abt it being ocd basically

[bkgexe]

if all else fails, i was myself

bakugou x reader ✾ 4.6k

info! no smut sorry gang ✾ tw! trust issues that manifest as issues w physical intimacy/contact, dubcon in its vaguest definition (NOT bkg & reader) ✾ notes! ive been in perpetual writers block for months. is this trite idk. i miss my baby but anytime i write for him im like oops this is gonna be 60k words!!! so here is. a drabble lmao. also big lmao moment this is titled after count me out by kendrick lamar ldskfjdlkjf which was on repeat while writing so uh sorry mr. lamar abt the mha fanfic

katsuki has always known that part of him is wrong.

he’s never liked being touched. every kiss he’s experienced has made him tense as an elevator cable poised to snap. any attempt to go further than that has made him a little ill, made his gut feel like a stack of loose papers being torn to shreds, slow and loud.

it doesn’t help that he’s only ever had three kisses in his life: eijirou at a new year’s party (too many teeth), eijirou again at another new year’s party nearly a decade later (too much tongue), and then his fourth date with kyoka (when he tried to convince himself he just had to push through the discomfort to become normal).

things went further than that. it was a mistake. they both knew it right after it happened—kyoka first, and then katsuki after his head stopped pounding with what if i'm doing this wrong what if she's pitying me for fucking this up what if i don't know how to touch another person correctly what if i was supposed to learn at some point and i missed it how could i fucking miss it will it always be like this because i can't do this again i can't i don't—

“kat," she said after. she looked at him with something only a few degrees removed from pity, and poorly removed at that.

he attempted a halting non-apology. he attempted a real apology. failed at both.

"it's okay, you know," she said. "to not like it."

he scoffed even though he wasn’t entirely clear on what she meant by it, because there was so much he didn’t like. “i like it just fine.”

“if that was liking it, I’m honestly worried about your capacity for enjoying life in general.” it wasn’t a joke. her bluntness was something that'd made katsuki think he could push his boundaries with her. all of her thoughts were laid out plain for him to read, an open-source journal. “i'm just saying you don't have to like it. and you don’t have to force yourself to do things you don’t want to do. don't fuck yourself over for someone else's happiness.”

kyoka still texts him often, checks in, invites him to drinks with their friends. she’s kind. she’s normal. she doesn’t have this weird, shredded thing inside her that makes her balk at the idea of someone’s hand on her skin. that makes her think she's doing something wrong, even if she's not the one that initiated the touch.

when you started your job at the front desk of katsuki’s agency, he never thought that he'd be here, wishing above everything that he could just be normal. just for one fucking day, so he could laugh at your shitty jokes and maybe brush his knuckles across the back of your hand in passing and take you on a date where he could kiss you in his car after driving you home and the thought wouldn’t make his skin crawl, wouldn't tear up his insides to pulp.

because he fucked everything up. he's standing in his empty office where you'd been spending time with him and he fucked it up and hurt you and he's not sure how to unfuck it.

the thing is, he could grin and bear it. he could deal with the odd thing inside him that hates the contact and white-knuckle it through every kiss, every caress. but he’s never been a great actor. he wouldn’t be able to hide that from you.

(kyoka told him, years later, that it’s not that the sex itself wasn’t fine—what made it nearly unbearable for her was the fact that she could tell, only after it was too late, that being physically vulnerable with her pained him far more than he was willing to reveal.)

no one wants to feel like the person they’re with is grinning and bearing it. that they’re white-knuckling it through. katsuki knows this. he knows he’s basically a fucking virgin all but in title at thirty and that he’s got the personality of a dried-out fig you find in your fridge weeks after its last edible moments. he doesn't have much to offer.

but he walked into work one day and nodded at you, curt, a grimace on his face—and you smiled at him so kindly that his stomach twisted.

with you, it wasn't the feeling of something being torn apart. it was different, lighter. leaves wrenched into the sky by a strong breeze. still a kind of tearing, but different—less destructive.

he was wearing a deep carmine sweater his mom sent him in one of her bi-monthly care packages (as if he’s not an adult, and a pro-hero on top of that), and you said, “that’s such a nice color on you. is it new?”

there was that breeze inside his chest, strong, pulling at his bones. “yeah,” he grunted. then slowly, as if remembering how: “thanks.”

it was the attention, he thought at first, that piqued his interest. he wasn't used to it. people always watched him from afar, and he had fans online that were borderline obsessive, but people didn’t approach him. they didn’t say that’s such a nice color on you. they didn’t smile the way you smile.

he’s always had a shallow streak. it’s not like he doesn’t know this. it’s become a little muted over time, a little discouraged by the visible scarring on his face and body from his time in the field, but it’s never fully been eradicated. so it was simple, he thought. you paid him attention and stroked his ego, and he preened like a self-obsessed bird of paradise.

and then you started making these little origami whale sharks.

fucking stupid. it bothered him an annoying amount. you had a bunch at your desk, all different colors and sizes, some taped to your desktop monitor, some hung up with little pieces of string under the desk's storage overhang. you drew dots on the back of each one, a distinct spotted pattern that was unique for each shark. and you made them for everyone but him. eijirou bought you a pack of high quality origami paper and you made him his own fucking school, all with little faces, winking or surprised or angry, their wide paper mouths gaping and empty, the lines of their bodies pressed careful and sure.

he hated it. it was annoying and a waste of company time and he usually didn’t ever use dumb corporate slogans like “a waste of company time” but you were really pushing his fucking limits.

it was definitely just the attention he liked, he told himself, because surely someone doing something as dumb as this would annoy him to no fucking end if he spoke to them.

and then he spoke to you and he was wrong.

he asked why you made the damn things in the first place and you told him, “i like whale sharks. but to be totally honest, i just run out of things to do."

and he saw that as a challenge. you were running out of things to do? rest assured he could find more shit for you to take care of. so he did. tasks that he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy, they were so dull and time-consuming. and you were so achingly competent that it drove him up a fucking wall. you completed everything he asked of you in half the time it would take someone else, and you always reported back with a smile, and you always did good work, and he could see himself having a conversation with you about something other than work but he didn't want to try because he was worried he'd begin to like you as a person.

you're pretty. really fucking pretty. he can see that now, and he sure as fuck saw it then. you're hardworking. you're just likeable, and that's something katsuki had never been. it (reluctantly) impressed him. worse than that, it turned his feelings for you into a sort of interest.

but he knows he's not normal when it comes to things like this.

he tried to distance himself from you because of it, but it turns out that asking someone to do work for you means you do have to speak to them sometimes. and sometimes turned into a lot of times.

sometimes turned into bringing him coffee in the morning, not because he asked you to, but because you're sweet like that. sometimes turned into being the person he bounced ideas off of when he had a board meeting coming up or something otherwise boring and meticulous. sometimes turned into you laughing at his prickly comments rather than going quiet because of them. turned into you saying suck it up, dynamight, this is what it means to be the boss when he complained about doing paperwork.

sometimes turned into staying late with him at the office, getting take out for the two of you to share while you finished filing claims and damage reports and other stuff he hated taking care of by himself. sometimes turned into him asking you to stay late just because he wanted you there. because even when he was quiet, you'd tell him about your day, about things that happened in the office, about how much you like the book you'd both been reading. he loved listening to you talk. felt comfortable enough to tell you things about himself when he'd never felt comfortable doing that before.

sometimes turned into you holding out a piece of fried tofu from your take-out container for him to eat while he was approving time-off forms that he should have looked at much earlier that week, and you being so close that he could notice how good you smelled, and the warmth of your body basically radiated towards him, like all your energy was focused on him, and your smile was small but somehow even more lovely than usual, a secret for him to tuck away and keep, and when you finished feeding him and he had a little sauce on the corner of his mouth and you reached forward to wipe it off for him and your hand lingered there for a moment and your eyes fell to his lips and what if you try to kiss me and i'm wrong and you hate me for it and what if i can't give you what you want and what if i'm not actually what you want what if i've disappointed you already what if—

it was too much.

so he fucked it up. your thumb was so soft against his skin. he reeled backwards in his chair, rolling it whole feet clear of you, and he felt the tearing again, the bad kind, like paper unevenly shredded by clumsy hands, and he had to leave. he had to leave. he needed to leave so badly that it felt like pulling his skin off would be preferable to being in that office with you.

hiding in the bathroom was fucking pitiful. he remembered his breathing exercises. he remembered to ground himself. and when he came back to his office, you were gone.

if he was normal—and he wants to be normal, god fucking damn—he could have stomached your proximity. he could have eaten out of your fucking hand. he could have touched you back like a normal person probably would have and he wouldn't be here, alone, looking at a little purple sticky note you left him that says i finished organizing the pto forms. i hope you feel better!

he doesn't know whose pride you're trying to save with that. as if you didn't leave because he made things so fucking awkward by running away from you when you touched him. when you—maybe, if he was reading the room correctly—were about to kiss him.

and you don't speak to him for days. he doesn't want to push so he doesn't—just watches you out of the corner of his eye whenever you're both in the same room, which is arguably worse. he's not sure. he's just itching to fucking talk to you because he misses it.

he misses you. in a more-than-friends way.

it takes a while for him to realize this. when he does, it hits him like a metal rod up the side of the head. it's fucked up of him to miss you the way he does when he doesn't feel like he can provide you with the things a normal person could. and though he's worked on his patience over the years—worked on understanding that he can't have everything he wants—it doesn't stop him from being selfish and finally pulling you aside to talk.

and baffling as fucking ever, the first thing you say is sorry. "i know i should've talked to you about it earlier. i just—i shouldn't have done that. and i know it. i shouldn't have assumed that—i don't know. that you..."

you look helpless. it's one of the very few times that katsuki has ever felt the compulsion to touch someone. not because he wants the touch, per se, but because he wants to be able to provide comfort. he never figured out how to do that with words. he's so focused on his inability to comfort you that he barely has any idea of what you're actually talking about. instead of doing anything at all, he just stands there like a fuckwad.

"i just want you to know that i would never—like never—have touched you, or tried to... if i didn't think there was like, a vibe?" you shake your head, exasperated with yourself. "god, even that sounds so bad. i'm sorry, i just—"

"wait, what are—?" and then it clicks, because he's been slow on the uptake figuring out his shit when he should have been focusing way more on yours. "there was..." katsuki says, and he fucking hates that he can't find better words for what you were both feeling in his office, "a vibe."

the way your face changes when you're flustered is one of katsuki's favorite things, but it's not as enjoyable when he feels just as flustered as you look. "i—oh? so... so you—?"

his ears feel like they're being attacked by two heated straightening irons and he knows they're red as hell right now. he's gonna have to say this plainly even though he'd rather get his teeth pulled out one by one with a pair of pliers. "it's not you."

your expression loses any sort of hope it once held. you press your lips together and sigh, maybe a little exasperated. he's doing his best here but he knows his best is shit. "i can handle a non-cliché rejection," you tell him. "honestly, i'd prefer a non-cliché rejection—"

"i'm not trying to reject you," he says, and it's selfish of him. because he's really not. he isn't comfortable with the things you'd want from him, but he still wants you in some capacity. "i just don't—do shit like that."

"kissing?"

somehow knowing for sure that you did want to kiss him in his office makes him want you more. he likes that you're bold. he likes that you're not ashamed of that. he wants to be different than he is. "any... of it," he struggles to admit.

"at all?"

he nods.

"just—like touching, and stuff?"

it sounds so juvenile that he can't help but laugh through his nose, roll his eyes. "yeah. touching and stuff."

"oh."

you're disappointed. of course you are. it's not like he expected anything different, but—sometimes he fucking hates his life. hates that he can't be the thing people need him to be. hates that trying is so difficult, that it flings his stomach into space, like a throwing stone skipping across a still lake.

"so you don't go on dates, or anything."

"haven't tried."

"do you not want to?" you ask, and he can tell it's more of a genuine question than anything. you're curious about him, like you always are. it's more than he deserves, for all he can offer.

"doesn't make sense to."

"that's not what i asked."

it's not. and so katsuki listens as you ask your question again, and he really takes a moment to think.

considering the answer to your question leads him to his first date with you. and his second, and his third—his fourth, and he's keenly aware that his last fourth date ended with what he expects all dates are supposed to end with.

he takes you to the aquarium. because of all the fucking origami whale sharks. you still haven't given him one and it sticks in his craw like a bone. in front of the backlit tank that holds sharks of all types, shapes and sizes and teeth he's never pictured possible of a living creature before, he asks, "why sharks?"

you look at him, brow raised. "i don't know. they probably needed the biggest tank in the aquarium. and this looks like the biggest tank."

"no, dumbass—your sharks. the ones all over the fuckin' office."

"what, you don't like them?" you ask, but you're smiling, sly.

he shrugs. he thinks they're dumb as hell. he wants one to hang up at work, like the ones you've got hung up at your desk. "they're whatever. they clutter the fuck out of ei's office. and he's already got issues organizing." you've just made eijirou so many at his point, and it's getting ridiculous. "but what—are they easy to make, or something?"

you laugh a little. "no. not at all, actually." a whale shark swims by, its spotted hide shimmering in the tank's eerie blue lighting, and you watch it intently. "but it'd be boring if it was too easy."

this date ends with him walking you home from the aquarium a few blocks from your apartment and you smiling at him and telling him that you had a really great time, and he feels like a fucking freak because you don't even expect more. you don't wait for a kiss. don't look disappointed that he doesn't try to give you one. the way you look at him holds so much affection that he doesn't deserve and he has no idea how to reciprocate it to you, and somehow he lands on, "make me one."

"one what?" you ask, but he thinks you already know what he's asking. you like to play coy. he likes it when you play coy. when you're enjoying yourself.

"one of your little fuckin' paper things," he mutters, because admitting that he wants one of those dumbass sharks feels somehow demeaning. he doesn't want you to know how much he's wanted one. "ei's got a million of 'em."

your hand was on your door handle, but it falls to your side. he's keenly aware of its proximity to him. he doesn't feel that terrible ripping in his gut and its absence is almost frightening to him. your fingers tighten into a fist. it's cold out. "ah, and you're jealous?"

"no," he says, knee-jerk. "i just don't get why everyone gets one but me."

you smile when he says this and he could live in this image of you, delicate and small and made for him. he goes home and thinks about it until he falls asleep. thinks about it even beyond then, feels that strong breeze inside him tearing every leaf from its grounded perch.

here's the thing—nothing against jirou, but unlike his other fourth date, this one was enjoyable. more than. he loved watching you be amazed by the size of the whale sharks, and he loved watching you put a bunch of coins into the penny press and cranking the machine until one was squeezed out into the pattern you wanted, and he loved watching you lay your hand against the glass where the rubbery wings of a flood of stingrays battled for your attention, and—

he loved watching you. that's weird, right? he sounds like a fucking lunatic thinking that.

but he does. he hadn't realized until now how difficult it had been not only to touch people, but to look at them. maintaining eye contact, watching someone do a simple task out of interest instead of staring them down in an attempt to intimidate them. he's so much more fucked up than he thought but what makes it bearable is that he can do it with you. he can watch the way you enjoy things and feel like he's not intruding on something he shouldn't. without even trying, you make him feel welcome—wanted.

that's it. you make him feel wanted.

the realization affects him in a way he doesn't understand. at work the next day, when you smile at him over the top of the front desk, he feels something incredibly strong—something like instinct—that tells him to touch you. small. a thumb brushed across your cheek. his fingers grazing yours. he wants it in a way that can't be right because he's never wanted to touch someone like this.

he doesn't do it, but he thinks about it all day. your little smiles when you notice him watching you on your dates, the way your fingers graze your lips when you cover your laugh, the softness in the way you regard him. you're quiet, reserved, but when you laugh you laugh hard. he wants your soft, your quiet and your loud, he wants the feeling of your fingers on his lips, he wants your smallest smiles, all things he wishes he could fold up and keep and later display somewhere he can always see them. a school of paper fish, gaping mouths and drawn-on spots and such carefully pressed lines.

so on the eleventh date—(he knows it's ridiculous to count, but he's never spent this much time with one person before, not like this)—he reaches for your hand when you're walking alongside the bay, the air turning cold in the wake of the sunset that the two of you had just witnessed. that's romantic, you'd teased when he asked you to watch it with him. he'd rolled his eyes, shrugged you off.

but maybe he wanted it to be romantic. maybe he wanted to make this as normal as possible for you because nothing has been normal between the two of you so far.

you pull back when he reaches for you, as if on instinct. look up at him, confused, when he reaches out again. "katsuki..." you say, and it sounds as if he's done something wrong.

he tries not to let his brain spiral but thoughts drip inwards. water meeting a dented hull. what has he done this time? what else has he fucked up by being fundamentally wrong?

"you know..." you start, and you lose your words.

he thinks of kyoka, years ago. it's okay, you know. to not like it. he wonders if you'll still text him like she does.

your lips pull into a frown before you speak and katsuki can't breathe. "i was never gonna ask on my own because i know you don't like talking about things like this if you don't bring it up. but—um. katsuki—do you think i expect something from you?"

"huh?" he asks, dumb. breathing is still something he fails to do.

"i know that this is—different. i know you have some things going on that make the physical part hard for you." you look up at him so earnestly, and he loves looking at you. he loves looking at you and doesn't want to have to stop and he's worried that this is it. the moment he'll have to stop. you try to smile and it's small and he wants it all for himself. careful. delicate. secret, for him. "i'm not gonna lie to you. i don't know what a relationship without that kind of stuff looks like. but that doesn't mean i'm not willing to find out. it's—i don't need you to try to do something you think i want you to do."

"i'm not."

"it makes me feel a little sick, kat. honestly. it makes me feel like, i don't know—like i'm taking advantage of you, or something—"

"you're not."

"you don't have to do things like that to keep me around." you look flustered, eyes darting from his face to the skyline. "if you want me, i'm—you know."

it's okay, you know. "i don't know."

"i'm yours," you say, and cringe immediately at your words. "or like—i could be, you know, kind of whatever you wanted, if you—if that's what you want. would want."

katsuki can only remember a few times when his head was this quiet in the presence of someone else. when he trusted someone enough to let his mind go blank, to let himself act on instinct. "can i kiss you?"

you sigh. "this is what i was saying. i don't want you to—"

"no," he says, quiet, and he's closer to you than he's ever been. he likes the way you smell. he's not gonna apologize if that's weird. "i just want—god, i feel pathetic asking again. can i just—?"

just, just, just. just a touch, just a kiss, just a moment of your fucking time—it's all he wants. and he's never wanted like this. he's never trusted like this. his head has never quieted entirely because he's so sure that he's not going to disappoint you, or be something you don't actually want, or be wrong.

you've shown him that he can't be wrong with you, regardless of whether or not something within him is broken.

your lips are warm, a little chapped from the dry air, and he tries to remember what kissing chastely is but it's like something breaks in him further the second the two of you touch. his hands are cradling your face, his tongue is gliding against your tongue, his teeth are clacking against your teeth, and he knows the kiss is bad and wrong and messy but he suddenly needs it. he needs to feel you.

you make a noise against him and worry slices into his stomach before he realizes it's a quiet, breathy moan, and maybe you've been okay without the touch but that doesn't mean you don't enjoy it when you receive it. he can tell he hasn't made his boundaries clear enough—your hands circle his wrists, too cautious to go further, too hesitant to grip him like he thinks you want to. like he wants you to want to.

his teeth hit yours again and you laugh, and he pulls back, stomach tight. there's a hope in him that's ready to be torn.

you see it in his face—the fear. "i love kissing you," you blurt out, as if it's the only reassurance you can think of in the moment. "i mean—you're just." you laugh again, and he realizes it's nerves. you're just as nervous as he is. "can i—can we go somewhere warm? and maybe do this more? or—if this was enough—"

he's pulling you towards his apartment before you can get another word out.

kissing you is easy because you make him feel like it's relatively new for you as well. maybe that's how it feels for everyone every time, but he wouldn't know. he just feels comfortable with you. like you're not so much better than him, like you're not waiting to laugh at him when he fucks up, like you're touching him because you really want to.

so he takes you to his apartment and puts you on his couch and kisses you until your back is against the armrest and he's looming over you and you feel comfortable enough that your hands stray from his wrists to his shoulders to his hair and he didn't even know touching someone could feel like this.

put aside the fact that he's nearly finished in his fucking jeans three times just from your fingers running across his back, from the way you cup his cheek when he pulls back for air because he keeps forgetting to breathe—just having you close is intoxicating. he wants to bury his face in the curve of your shoulder, he wants to bite marks into your skin that'll stay vibrant for weeks, he wants to etch himself into you so deeply that he doesn't have to leave. these wants aren't even sexual—it's something about having you be his. i'm yours, you'd told him, and he hadn't even known that it would be exactly what he needed to hear.

he's in love with you, which isn't shocking to him, but he knows he shouldn't be in love with you yet because people that aren't fucked up in the head don't feel shit like this so quickly. he's not gonna tell you this for a very long time, but he knows—so completely and confidently—that he will reach a point when he can tell you.

"you sure you want this?" he asks, breathy, between kisses.

you stop kissing him, brows raised in surprise. "katsuki, we don't... this is a lot for one night. we can take it slow, still."

"that's—i'm not talking about that." he gives in, then—lets himself bury his face in the crook of your neck, lets himself breathe in deep, lets himself find your hands and intertwine your fingers, and you can probably feel that he's hard as fucking metal for you but that's not what's important right now. it sure as hell makes it awkward to try to have a serious conversation, though. "you sure you wanna deal with all... you know. my stuff."

"are you sure you wanna deal with all of my stuff?" you counter, and he pulls back to look at you. kissed rotten and smiling. "of course i want to deal with it. i like you."

and he likes you too. god, he likes you so fucking much.

the next morning, long after you've left for home, he finds a little orange whale shark hidden behind the alarm clock on his bedside table, stars in the place of eyes, and the trace of you is enough to make him feel warm. to hope that over time his apartment becomes full of the little paper creatures until his home is its own aquarium, until everywhere he looks is a memory of all you've brought him—pieces of you, perfectly arranged and delicately folded by your careful hands, much too gentle to tear.

[sol-consort]

HAIII HELLO i had to just fist fight tumblr and win cus i forgot ur name but im excited cus ur blog got me into ME and i just bought mass effect legendary edition on sale n im so happy abt the fact that i will get my heart broken and maybe fuck few aliens here n there BAIII

I hope you fuck many aliens to your heart's content. I'm really happy more people are giving ME a chance because that game is hands down really, really fun. Like at its core, it's genuinely just having a good time, entertaining, funny, engaging, badass, a soap opera of action at times, but oh, so beautifully done.

Like I would've never given this game a chance because:

it's super older gen (relative to my age)

Fandom is basically dead

The og fans can get... gatekeepy and obnoxious to newcomers

But I tried the first one, not expecting shit, thinking it's another COD or boring ass fps game where. But I literally couldn't put it down even when I tried. It's so fucking fun? Interesting and loveable characters? Cool aliens and worldbuilding? Being a kickass commander? Having choices in how you approch things?

NOT TO MENTION HOW BEAUTIFUL IT IS! ALL OF THOSE PICTURES I TOOK INGAME.

I do mean ingame, as in "in the open world" and not in a cinematic cutscene. The game has an inbuilt photography mode for a reason! They know the galaxy and planets are breathtaking! The know space is beautiful! They know you'd want to stare at the cosmos in between gunshootings!

And because it's old gen, it runs perfectly even on our present low-end pcs. Hell, it runs like butter on high graphics on my steamdeck, while I can't get Veilguard beyond low textures without the game having a seizure.

I was so worried when playing it, prepared to be treated horribly ingame because I picked the femshep, I was fully convinced that I'd be forced into a typical hetro romance and accepted that grim fate. Because oh what can you do? It's an old game. It's just how things were back then.

BUT NO! IT DOESN'T DO ANY OF THAT! It's so easy to forget that someone has had to lay the first stone in this long path of progress, and Mass Effect was one of those games that pushed the boundaries of its time! Not only is femshep equally strong, stoic, and badass. But you're completely free to pursue a gay relationship from the start. Even the straight romance choice doesn't follow the cookie cutter of hurr durr men strong, women submissive. Ashley is direct and upfront about her feelings for maleshep, she is strong headed and confident, she weilds a shotgun and dashes to the frontlines.

While Kaidan is softer, more coy and elusive with his feelings for femshep. He stammers and lags in speech with "uhh" a lot. Not to mention a good representation of a character with chronic illness! I saw myself in him whenever he spoke of his chronic migraines, how it felt like a geniune part of him and not simply crossing a checklist of character traits to meet the quota of "good writing"

The game is beautiful, interesting, and vaired, but also silly and it owns that. it doesn't attempt to be genre changing deep, it's embodies the spirit of superhero comics. It's just really fun. You don't have to pay attention, you don't have to look for clues, you don't have to do anything or collect anything! Shoot things, things die, get money, talk to crewmates, spend money on pet fish, rinse and repeat. And somehow that cycle never gets stale because there is never a repeat of a mission type, stages are set in different planets with different characters, you pick the companions you take and each of them sprinkles flavour text on your merry adventure.

YOU'LL HAVE A BALL ANON! Playing it feels like what going to the amusement park felt as a kid, except this time around your parents give in and buy you that overpriced animal-shaped balloon the guy is selling next to the exit gate.

As great as the romance was, I was simply having too much fun with the interactive world to really focus on it. Oh and your past choices actually shape the world a ton! You start a fresh save in ME1, make choices, game ends, now time for ME2, and you get to directly import your ME1 Shepard into the new game and the world you created! So if someone died in ME1? They stay dead. If you romance a character, then you're still dating. If you spare some criminals or make deals with certian people, they will remember it!

The same goes for ME3, you import you ME2 savefile and it follows the story branches you chose. Every side quest, every detail of your Shepard. You leave your mark upon the world and on every person you interact with, and they remember you in return.

[minnieposting]

another late night thought dump post (12:44 am starting point)

my fear of intimacy/affection has been on my mind lately. and also my jealousy of people with close friend groups that all mutually love and care about each other so much, since i had one in hs/early college and it just blew up in my face. was only one of the factors of 2020-2021 being the worst yrs of my life loll (feeling weird just writing abt it) but anyway. idk. stream of consciousness, moving on

i crave affection and i crave it so deeply yet it scares me so much. apparently the fear of it can stem from negative experiences which checks out with me, but i personally cant pinpoint what exactly my problem is. the closest i can get is that im convinced we'll just stop talking so getting attached is useless. and ill just always hold myself at a distance no matter how much i want to be close to you. honestly, one of my closest relationships irl is only one of my closest bc of how hard she pushed to be my friend. if she didn't do that i would've just gotten distant, probably. and i really want to stop doing that, i want to stop being so scared but i dont know how!!!

my pattern recognition is sensing a pattern! with people leaving. clearly i'm the problem, not even sarcasm everyone says that if you're the common denominator. idk whats wrong with me. w the people im thinking of rn, i know it wasnt a good fit, im just sad i lost smth, but it wasnt sustainable based on where it was going. but idkkk. i trusted u guys sm and i loved u guys sm and then i just get dropped out of nowhere. sucks. this was the most recent thing in my life and just !!!!!! IDK where im going with this idk what my point is. moving on bc its upsetting me

i just feel very lonely, even tho its like i induce my own loneliness. i live in my head and dont like to let others in. im trying tho... its just scary. i dont want to deal with this all over again. dont want to love someone only for it to blow up in my face

[thisisegregiouuuus]

bro 😻

its actually so insane how i used to be so obsessed w the shining. like looking back on all that i was litereally going crazy--and like my interests/phases only last like a week or so but damn that one alsted like 2 months or smth, i thought it would never end so i was kinda surprise when i watched it for like the 5th time or something and i went 'damn...this is getting kinda old'

i genuinely felt sad tho. it always feels kinda sad falling out of a phase/interest kinda thing, especially one youve liked for a while. like with the shining its fine bc i know i still like it but it was just a crazy 2 month-phase, now i still like it but like, in a normal, non-crazed kinda way lmao, like im not silently talking to myself in my head abt the shining and begging for someone, anyone to talk to me abt the shining, i was legit on the brink of madness, i couldt contain myself thats how much i loved it lmao

anyway. for now its not compeltley lost, i still do like it, but idk, the last time i watched it i could jsut tell i wasnt as interested as the previous times, and thats when i was like 'damn it, this is it ig' and it was super sad. it felt like a big loss, but then again im happy i got out of it, like i said. maybe it was for the better! now i gotta find smth else to occupy me and my attention for the next couple of weeks or ill go insane!!!

this whole the shining phase ended like 2 or 3 months ago or smth. now im jsut mucking around. ive been watching th eoffice over and over again bc yeah i do love it but liek theres literally nothing else to occupy my attention with. and i feel kinda bad saying that, like i feel stupid saying i need smth to constantly be keeping my attention or like keeping me entertained, but like otherwise i just feel like i have no meaning or purpose or anything to keep me going, and i need smth! im not depressed or anything tho i swear 🙏

anyway I LOVE THE CATCHER IN THE RYE!!!! in history today my favourite book of all time was like very briefly mentioned and i wanted to explode when i saw it, i so badly wanted to mention it but there was no way id do it in front of anyone so yeah. holden caulfield is fr me, or he was most like year last year when i was like so alone at school and hated everybody. i still dont like most people but its not as bad as it used to be

anyway i feel really stupid writing this whole thing, idkw, but yeah, for now idk what ill do. i am going in an out of different writing projects/little stories that ive made up but i can never commit to just one thing. i am going back to my main project tho, and im really happy for once because im just writing. im not worrying about what other people might think (even tho i literally dont show it to anyone i legit just write for myself i jsut get rlly stupid sometimes,) im honestly just having fun and writing what i like, and i think thats what writings all about. its not about proving yourself to anyone or trying to impress anyone, or trying to make yourself seem all big and idk intellectual and all smartsy fartsy and stuff. its litereally just to express yourself and have fun and put all your amazing ideas down onto paper, i love writing so much, especially when i dont convince myself that my writing is shit and tell myself that it's not good enough and if people were to see it they wouldnt be as impressed as i want them to be

but anyways, thats all! its been a while since ive been on here so yeah. i know no one relaly sees these but theyre still fun to write. i just like expressing myself, i feel like im honestly kind of better off if no one sees these. like it would be nice to have like a tiny little community or some friends on here or smth since tbh even tho ive been on here for like a year and a half i still dont rlly fully understand how this app works </3 im just here for fun! so anyway

thats all folks! ski you later everybody! 😼

(sidenote, yes ik i dont know how to spell 'literally' i keep messing it up😻)

[asakurahaos]

I was supposed to start seeing a new therapist today but couldnt go, so i was (again) going through all the things i should tell her when i do eventually go, and the thing that was last on that list was the fact that sometimes i just feel like pieces of me are just... resting? as in like stopping? falling away from me? idk how to properly explain it but ill try better when i talk to her. Anyways. The point was, i can feel pieces of me shutting down, and one time when i felt a piece 'go', i had the thought that i will fall asleep one time and just wont wake up bc ill completely shut down. And just now, i was thinking of that moment and trying to convince myself i cant rly sense things like that, that im just too obsessed w death, that its all in my head etc and opened youtube to take my mind off of it all...

Only to it to open to a short from a hospice nurse talking about people (not her patients & otherwise healthy ppl) who felt like they were going to die and did die soon after, with people in the comments talking abt their experiences w ppl close to them feeling the same thing i am feeling rn 🙃

One of them said their SIL felt like she always felt like she was going to die young, and thats what ive always felt too. Since i was abt 7 i felt that i was going to die at 33 (or early 30s in general). Im turning 30 in 4½ months. Ive always been super afraid of death, but now im feeling calm about it all.

Idk its all super weird to me cause like. I dont really mind dying but also i want to have some fun/happiness, but the thought of 'why does it matter when im going to die soon anyways' is stopping me. I have things i want to buy bc it would make me very happy to have them but i keep thinking, 'okay, but what will my family do w this after im gone? Im just gonna waste more money and leave them w things that will collect dust + be painful reminders of me, and i dont want to do that to them.'

I want to get rid of these thoughts. I want them gone. I want to live. I want to live longer than my 30s and i want to be healthy and happy and i want to enjoy life. Im so tired of this all. I want new experiences and new people in my life and to travel and visit my friends and family who live far away. I dont want to be paralyzed by the thoughts of death and 'why does it matter'. I want to refurnish my room - something ive always put off due to my 'close' death. I wish i could see my future, at least a glimpse of it, even if its really bad, just to know im still here.

[teruthecreator]

remember when my life was interesting and held any sort of greater meaning? yeah me neither 

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

i simply think there is so much love in the world and ppl should talk abt it more often

[pluviophile-imagines]

okay but that scene in single dad bkg where he just straight up picks up reader while they're both arguing and just sets her off to the side like she weighs nothing.... lives in my head RENT FREE!! and him just snarling at her bc he's so fuckin angry, all snarl snarl grr hiss bark. im in love with a rabid animal ur honor. i think abt it every other day lori.

AND ALSO bc u have temporarily cursed me with chrollo energy, the fucking. the fucking scene u sent with bodyguard bkg's reader seeing her ex villain sexyman for the first time and him just being like <3 i'm in love with u <3 god. AND ALSO that one snippet where bkg walks out the reader's bathroom or smth LMAOOOOO u sent that one a while ago but i also think about it a lot cuz of those lines u had with the single droplet of water rolling btwn his massive fucking tits LMSDHF im so in love

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

the entirety of pumpkin spice ofc <3 i rmb doing that collab and going straight for ur bkg fic afterwards LMAOO bc fuck, that shit was like drinking hot apple cider mmm. the scene where bkg just SPRINTS for the cafe door when he sees reader walking towards it LMAO just imagining this bigass blond asshole wanting to annoy the shit out of u by getting that last muffin is so SJKDHFDFKG him literally waiting for u to show up at the cafe before he jumps up in line to steal the muffin ggrrr ill beat him up, my villain origin story fr

GOD AND UR DEMI BKG DRABBLE my heart :weary: him yearning for love<3 idk where the hc that bkg reads romance and cheesy manga/romcoms comes from but im here for it. the whole bit with him thinking love wont ever be in his grasp and he wants to b okay with that UGHHHH the things he does to my little virgin heart</3

OK OK ONE AT A TIME JHKBDF

that first one...... i will blame u when it stays in the final draft bc i rlly do think SO hard abt keeping bits like that in argument scenes but like. ur enabling me here it will remain. also i know i said this but ur stoking my ego SO much w how much u enjoy koshi i truly wholeheartedly want people to fall in love with him i want to break people’s hearts when reader has to move on...... and finally the scene i pulled entirely from a shitty halmark movie two years ago KJSDHFB i love u shay lmfaoooo

PLS PUMPKIN SPICE IS ONE WHERE I HAVE TO IMAGINE BKG SMALLER THAN NORMAL BC I DONT THINK IT’D BE AS CHILL WITH SOME FUCKOFF ENORMOUS DUDE DOING ALL THAT 😭😭😭 or maybe not maybe id be ok w it.......

i SWEAR that hc is canon but idk how ive convinced myself of it. either way its basically canon to me, just as much as him being all-or-nothing abt dating and waiting a good while before he tries it out. idk! its the vibes! thats basically the basis of that entire post so

what is the first thing you think of when i ask what the most memorable line/scene ive ever written was?

[retvenkos]

for the no context ships can i get one for the witcher? im bi so go crazy go stupid 🤪 some ??? things about me include

falling 15 ft out of a tree when i was like 7 bc i climbed it in flats even tho my dad said not too and the fact that i landed in the ONE spot clear of anything that could have punctured me has solidified my thoughts of me having terribly good luck

landing on the metal ball things ppl put on vehicles to pull trailers behind them with and getting a black eye to the point where my teacher thought my brothers hurt me?

when i was 12 i tripped on my combat boot laces bc i didnt have enough time to tie them and hit my head on the bus steps and now have a scar exactly 1 cm long and according to the doctor had it been any closer, id have issues with my eye (my right eye is literally worse than my left lmao)

in recent years ive tripped up stairs very gracefully

whenever id fall over in school id always manage to catch myself

one time when i was running out of class i rammed into another person and ended up being thrown into the lockers. all i remember was not being able to move and crying even though i was trying to talk. i didnt get any medical attention for it either

during my freshman yr i had a crush on this cute nerdy boy and convinced a friend of mine to give him a note i wrote and not to listen to me no matter how much i asked them not to give it to him. i watched him read it before banging my head on the table bc i was so embarrassed.

i found out my boy bestie liked me right before we got into quarantine and used covid to ghost him for eight months before wishing him a happy birthday.

uhhh i overshared to my teacher abt le mental illness so now hes always asking if im alright and checking in via email. its nice but i feel like such a chump

dis one isnt rly random kinda sad tbh. i never let myself truly feel any genuine emotion bc when i was younger nobody validated them so i deadass ALWAYS invalidate my feelings before anyone else gets a chance to and its such a whiplashy feeling??

ha i feel like i went in too much but there ya go, an auto biography exposing me for how mf clumsy i am

hey, hey, amirah? you deserve the world,,,,, sadly, tho,,,,,,, the world keeps giving it to you,,,,,, 

my attempts at jokes suck, but MOVING ON,,,, i am setting you up with the one and only yennefer of vengerberg because there is something about the elegant one falling for the clumsy one that i adore,,,,,,,,,, plus i feel like the two of you would really just vibe and have a friends to lovers storyline going on,,,,,,,,,

[ocdsucks]

My OCD is very weird. I have been diagnosed, but I don't have many of the "typical OCD obsessions", like "oh no germs" or even "I could stab this person. I'm bad." My OCD sometimes appears immediately after an anxiety attack and replays the sequence that triggers me over and over, and whenever I try to calm down by telling myself it's just an intrusive thought, it tries to convince me that I don't actually suffer of OCD, because it's not the typical kind. 1/3

CONTINUED: So every awkward social interaction I have comes with a “you’re faking mental multiple illnesses! You don’t deserve help!” phase. Whenever I think “oh no went wrong; now I’ll have a bad day” my OCD immediately says “well now that you thought that it definitely will so it’s kind of your fault now :)” Whenever I argue with people I always find a way to blame myself, and then I’m afraid that I “act like the victim” all the time, so I just end up cutting people off. I feel I’ve tried for so long to get over my disorder without professional help (bc my mom is iffy abt therapy), that now I feel like I tangled everything up, and that my OCD learns how to use my coping mechanisms against me. I feel like for every step forward the OCD finds a way to make me take four steps back, and that I disappoint all my friends, because the more effort they put into helping me, the more severe breakdowns I get. Could anyone else describe their experience w OCD similarly?

————————————————————————————–

Like all mental illnesses, OCD symptoms are unique to every individual with the disorder. No two people with OCD are going to suffer from the exact same obsessions, compulsions, intrusive thoughts or thought processes!! OCD loves to make us doubt, so it is also so common for someone with OCD to think “My OCD doesn’t match this description of OCD” Or “My OCD doesn’t sound like that person’s OCD” making us feel like we are faking the disorder. I think a lot of people (myself included) would agree that one of their main obsessive thoughts surrounds the diagnosis of OCD itself!!

OCD loves to make us feel guilty, so of course it is going to try and tell us that we are faking the disorder / just want attention and therefore don’t deserve treatment or an improvement in the symptoms that we know make us suffer incredibly every waking moment of the day. 

OCD wants you to doubt. OCD wants you to feel guilty and at fault and unworthy of getting better. It is so important to remember this!! I used to pray to be worthy of getting better (and I am sooo not religious) and it took me a long time to realize that the voice in my head saying I deserved to suffer was just another symptom of my OCD. 

One of the hardest things you can do is learn to sit with this doubt and guilt, rather than argue with it and spend time obsessing over its validity, and not let it get in the way of the meaningful and happy life you deserve. I promise you deserve to be happy, and your OCD is not your fault or fake. It is just a liar :) I hope this helps! 

[princeaffections]

Aa! Open at last! 1, 4, 5, 7, 10, 12, 14, 15, 17, 23, 24, 32, 38 ! Hopefully it’s not too much to answer and don’t worry if it takes time!

i can't put this under a cut on mobile but here it is, thanks for sending so many; it was fun!!1. How did you two meet?well, i was hanging out at josh's house bc we play video games together sometimes. alan was there bc he needed to check something with josh, and we got introduced.. we talked a bit and i remember josh was kinda like "haha.... okay doc you can go now" but yeah! 4. Do you have pet names for each other?alan tends to call me things in the vein of "sweetheart," "darling," "love," "honey," and other cute nicknamesand i tend to call him "ally," or "old man" hbthtbtbthb5. Have you given your ship a name?unfortunately i haven't thought of anything yet.. if anyone has any ideas im free to hear them 👀👂7. What does each of you think about PDA?oh i love it i adore it i'll kiss in front of everyone i don't give a fuck we're that couple being nauseatingly sweet while everyone gagsyknow that vine where it's the guy pointing at the couple saying "is this allowed??" the couple is me and alan and the guy is josh10. What was your worst fight?not a fight, per say but alan got extremely upset when he found out what happened on the mountain.. he was convinced he could've stopped it somehow and he ended up yelling.. not at me exactly but just in general.. it was difficult for us to get out of that slump :^(12. Do you want/have kids?aah i think for now, no. i consider myself too young still and alan feels he's too old so we're holding back on it. we are thinking abt getting a pet though!!14. Scariest moment together?when we found out what exactly happened on the mountain.. we were scared for josh and everyone else and it just really.. got to us15. Happiest moment together?we've had a lot of happy moments, it's hard to pinpoint one exactly? after our first date, when i realized exactly how nice it felt to be with him was probably the happiest for me though17. Ideal way to spend time with one another?we like to just relax and watch tv together!! cuddling is also always a big fave!! sometimes we go out to movies too23. Who is the most affectionate?probably me.. im kind of clingy and whenever he comes home i immediately run up and hug him and im always down for cuddles and i like holding hands and kissing and im just u//w//u24. If the two of you are apart for a long time, who takes it the hardest?tbh, me again.. since im already clingy, being away from him for too long really is difficult for me.. but i know its not easy on him either32. Is jealousy a problem at all?sometimes ill see him interact with his patients, and he'll be really kind to them and you can tell he really cares about them and theres... a little twinge of jealousy but.. his eyes really light up when he sees me and that kills any worries.and sometimes when im talking to a friend, and im obviously enjoying myself, he'll just casually come over and put his arm around my shoulder or kiss the top of my head. i know he's trying to be subtle about it but i can tell what hes doin38. How do you comfort one another during difficult times?when im really upset he's good at calming me down.. he just holds me and pets my hair and talks softly.. and then when im calmer we talk through what was upsetting me in the first place he doesn't get really upset that often, but when he does, he prefers to just be held and for me to quietly just be there for him.. we talk things out if he wants, but i can respect and understand when he prefers not toANYWAY I LOVE HIM THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TEDTALK

[noxrynne]

i think the secret to sleeping soundly is just to have light in my room cuz the light i was using went out and that’s when all the stuff around me kinda warped around and frightened me really badly and i coulda sworn over and over again that there was a hand dragging over my blinds (theyre right next to my bed) but there was no sound to it just a visual but then when the sun started coming up it all kinda stopped and i kept seeing the blinds like moving in squiggly lines and bulging out at points that disturbed me a lot plus in the dark the shadows on a pillow kinda made it look like a big skeletal face though the mouth part of it kept moving but it was quiet and i kinda cried a little from it then theres the tactile stuff where it felt like someone was putting their hands on me to like hold me in place but i didnt see anything just a sensation of pressure all over and random feelings of warmth/cold (the warmth kinda feels like its coming from something, like if someone put a hand on ur shoulder type of thing, the cold feels like im being blown on. id say it might be a draft but it comes from different sides a lot and not the window’s side as much). it kinda all rly picks up like this if im like either really worked up to begin with (so like experiencing extreme paranoia that happens sometimes at night), or if i just dont have other stimuli. if i have light it doesnt happen since i can see everything anyway and its easier to feel safer and focus on something to continuously ground me if i have audio playing (like headphones on) the audio stuff doesnt really happen at all (but not like faint audio it needs to be kinda clear so i can discern it) idk how to fix the tactile stuff though. basically if i sleep with light and a grounding noise i dont think ill experience anything like the above at night. but the tactile stuff seems to always be there and idk how to change that so much. but im getting more used to the tactile feelings even if sometimes they’re starting to hurt (like feeling like, a burning and something sharp kinda dragging along my back/arm/lips sometimes). my least favorite ones though are the ones where it feels like theres small things crawling over my feet i dont hear voices tho, the sounds i are that’re usually fake (i think they’re fake?) have been anything from jet engines, gun shot-esque sounds, something falling, creaking sounds (idk those might just be real? but they were never present before). closest thing i ever really heard to a voice was like. a loud sigh? and like a rush of cold air over my ears. but overall its all becoming more intense and real feeling. at first i kinda. idk, i had similar tactile sensations before? but they went away for a long time and then kinda came back a few months ago but with all the other stuff (though the auditory stuff rly started after i had a really bad nightmare that was focused around knocking on my door/banging on it). im hoping its really just stress and anxiety and nothin else, but since its been getting worse thats why my psychiatrist kinda wanted me to keep note of it in case i begin hearing coherent voices/start feeling apathetic. which idk. i have periods of apathy, kinda just. dont care at all abt anything and lay down all day. but its never been something that stuck to me so im pretty sure thats just depression. but it is all rly scary when experiencing it im just more typing it out so i remember it and dont forget it ‘cuz i slept well one or two nights. since that way i can describe it better to my therapists and stuff. the one kinda saving grace is that i can keep in my head that its all fake when its happening even if its gettin kinda harder to convince myself of that since its just a lot of adrenaline and fear in the moment.  again im kinda hopin its just stress/anxiety and it goes away. im rly kinda hoping im not developing schizophrenia (my dads side of the family actually has some history of it according to my mom when i told her abt my visit and stuff). but she says so long as im not hearing coherent voices/not experiencing extended periods of apathy its likely just the stress/anxiety or hyperawareness after paranoid nights b/c i get panic attacks from that sometimes (kinda making up stimuli when theres nothing to perceive b/c the brain wants to perceive something)

[hxrryspotter]

(1) I really wanted to talk to somebody today. I realized something about myself. I'm really not in a good place mentally, I have depression and I kind of do this thing all the time where I convince myself that I'm in love with somebody (usually a person who was nice to me once but is, for whatever reason, completely unattainable) and that they're 'the one' and I make up all these scenarios in my head and completely spiral into this weird obsession until the whole

(I got ur other ask but im just gonna respond here okay?) I'm sorry you're struggling with this and i know its really hard but in really glad you felt like you wanted to talk to someone abt it. Its actually really common to idealize people. I'm not sure with depression tho but usually depression coexists with other mental illnesses which basically, warp our way of thinking and make us pretty vulnerable. I'm no doctor but i know that people with personality disorders particularly experience what you're describing? Not saying you have any of those, idealizing people from very casual or non-existant interactions do happen quite often with any type of mental illness but also lonliness and isolation, etc. But from what you're telling me it sounds like it happens a bit more than the norm, as in it sounds a bit severe, on a level that is interfering with your life?? Do you have anyone you can talk to about this, like a professional? Bc you sound like you're worried about this and its making you feel worse about yourself. You can always send me an ask but im sadly not a doctor so i dont know much but i can always be a listening ear. Pls keep me updated on whatever you choose to do? Or how you feel??? ❤❤❤❤

[survivorwakea]

Episode 7: “I just don’t think that makes sense” - Jared

Hello Elmo - welcome to your tape. We once again meet in an org. I was very excited to 1. make merge 2. to meet up with u in another org and to have the chance to work with you. However my excitement was almost immediately ruined. I asked if you want to work together and was greeted with "if our plans align". This was my first red flag of a few tonight. "If" not hey lets make our plans align nd work together, just a sort of ok sure if it swings that way. So I said that to you, we should make them align. You replied with "kk." BITCH TF DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING. And then you're all like I'm so happy you made merge you deserve this. Ok whatever I know that's just you trying to change the subject, which you do a lot when you want to avoid things hmmm. Then we start discussing HvV nd I made a joke about you maybe fucking me over here after I said I trusted you...you left me on read....so I'm not just gonna sit there and take that. I was like ok I see where I stand with you. And you're like nooo I want us to work together but also if you think you wanna vote me out because it's best for your game then don't be afraid to do that ~ and trust me I'm not scared to vote you out. I did it once before, I'll do it again. You did say that wasn't you plotting against me, and I sure as fuck hope you meant that because my dumbass does want to work with you even if right now I feel similar to how I did before and like I'm not your closest person, which really did affect us I think oops. We love having no trust in a duo. I let this go because I fully understand that hey maybe things won't work out for us in this org, although I'm really hoping they do. Then you're like hey lets guess for the idol together. Okay sounds promising doesn't it? think again. Turns out you gave your guesses to Justin and Zack. I'm glad you did tell me this though because it shows there's a little bit of trust, but I am wondering where that puts me in all of this. How close are you to Justin and Zack? I adore you and if you do feel you need to vote me out then so be it, I respect that and there wont be any hard feelings, but don't think I won't fight you for this. Hopefully I am just reading too much into things and you are wanting to work closely with me. I do pray we end up working together, I plan on trusting you more even if I do feel right now that is going to be a risk, but it's one I am willing to take. I know you're an absolute social king. I am the social queen, a king needs a queen but a queen does not need a king. Remember that.

________________________________________________________________

YEEHAW BITCHES I MADE MERGE. Been to every tribal council so far, plan on being here until the final tribal council. I'm not a threat I swear.

I made it to merge! This is very exciting considering this is my first discord game and I can sorta function on it so thats good. I've had the pleasure of hardly participating in any challenges and only going to the joint tribal where Dean was voted out. I pretty much have no real relationships in the game since I haven't had to really count on anyone in a tribal. The good news is a lot of people were messaging me last night even those who I haven't had a chance to be on a tribe with yet like Chloe and Bodhi. Well...I've played with Bodhi in several other seasons before and I'm glad I have an excuse to talk to him again but I also know how cut throat he can be. The good news is that Johnny told me that Jared along with Bodhi, Joey, and Asya would potentially work with us. This is good. As long as people are interested that should at least keep people away from voting for me. I've also been reunited with Justin. We were on our first tribe together and I thought that we could work well together. There is also Ben and Elmo. I think I've done surprisingly well and being connected with those in the tribe despite my "inactiveness". Johnny is def my number one but I also don't want our games to be the same. I also have a lot of trust in Elmo and it doesn't look like he is as well integrated or at least maybe is a little UTR too. If it looks like Johnny and I are just making the same decisions, I think people may side with Johnny. So its important that I stay alert to new opportunities and make sure that I'm looking out for myself. I think I've been playing an UTR kind of game so far and I'd like to continue doing that. If people like me or at least don't mind having me around then no one will throw out my name as a target. I submitted my video for the talent challenge and just hope that I don't get negative comments.

I MADE MERGEEEEEE FUCKING FINALLY.

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I need to rely heavily on an outside social presence, I need to keep up the fact that I’m working to ensure a heavy background role. I have a lot of ORG experience, and I often want to draw from the best players that I know, and combine most of their unique gameplay qualities. A few examples I’m going to be using is Michael mepole’s strategy for Touchy Subjects when he puts all his positive answers on much bigger targets than him in order to create a narrative and slide into the background. TJP, one of my best friends outside of games plays a game built heavily on strategy and sociability, which while I’m at my new place, is giving me more flexibility to play games and work on my one big flaw: my social game. I said previously that in this game, I have nothing to lose, and EVERYTHING to gain. Survivor is the closest thing to being a good running back in football. Some running backs like Le’Veon Bell are very patient, and wait for holes to open up so they can explode. If I can have 15% of that patience in this game, the entire season will open up BEAUTIFULLY for me. It is absolutely imperative that I make sure Jared and Johnny are the two most vocal players in our alliance, because I have more freedom than anyone else in this game, having never made merge in an ORG game(Fuck you Trevino) before, the sky is the absolute limit. I need to keep others at bay, and kind of do what Ian did: build a wall and make it nearly impossible to have a social game with me.

Just found an advantage, so im pretty much a king. thanks lov u

i’m so annoy eeeeed

johnny really lost his vote for a legacy advantage that now serves literally no purpose so that’s sexy. now we (me, johnny, jared, bodhi, joey) have to depend on anabel and i guess lily for this vote. also they wanna kill chloe which is ugly and not what i want so like.

i know anabel doesn’t wanna kill chloe but that might just be because she’s a facebook person. anabel and myself both wanna vote lily and for some reason that’s just not translating to these people. like y’all want lily to be our extra vote but that could easily be chloe, especially when anabel is the one who can swing it in our favor and she wants lily out like.

anyways my alternate solution was just to vote out one of the facebook men. idc who. then we can get lily on board and probably chloe, and we don’t need anabels vote. like if y’all are so worried abt facebook people then what i’m saying makes sense. chloe has shown an interest in working with me and none of y’all have heard shit from the others so?

anyways i get mad when i don’t get my way so sorry for all the ugliness i know will follow after this,,,,, ur all beautiful except for stinky johnny and his stinky legacy advantage

so this is my first tribal ever, im immune, and thats super cute and hot and everything, but u know what’s cuter and hotter?? this bitch right here is ab to do somethin crazy and perhaps stupid but it’ll provide good television!!! jared johnny bodhi joey asya and maybe lily and all want me to vote chloe and i have said that im down w that. HOWEVER, elmo justin zack chloe and ben are voting joey and they think im doing the same. im a bit conflicted rn. i am thinking i want to go w elmo bc he’s the person i trust a lot, but i really need to talk to like johnny bc he can’t vote this round, and i also trust him a lot!!! so basically we’re looking at 5 voting chloe, 5 voting joey, and then me. and whatever i do is what happens. not really quite sure if this is a good position to be in, i have 11 ppl who think im with them and that ill do whatever they say, but im not really ab that... i just rly need to talk to johnny bc he’s the person who’s gonna give me answers and insight and everything i need but he’s at WORK and this rly sucks. stay tuned for my decision LOL

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idk if i mentioned this in my last one but... the condition for me voting joey is that chloe zack justin elmo and ben have to say it was lily and NOT me. if this works im going to pee myself..

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so everyone except zack knows ab my big huge plan and if he would JUST FUCKING GET ON i would love to tell him.... i feel like all this shit is so unnecessary for the first merge vote, but they started it. so if they’re gonna be crazy, i am gonna be crazier.  and that’s just the tea. putting on my big girl panties and walkin into tribal w a plan in my head, a smile on my face, and lies on my lips (wow that’s poetic)

this is copied from my thread but thats fine:

SO ANABEL SAYS TAHT SHE WANTS TO CALL! so we call and she drops a bomb that there is a big grp of tumblrs working together trying to get chloe out and im like hmm huh and she asks me not to tell anyone and im like thats fine i think that i convinced to anabel that she can flip to our side bc if she does that then joey should leave 6v5 bc johnny cannot vote i also convinced anabel to tell everyone on the other side aka FB + Ben side so now i dont have to tell them and i dont incriminate my alliance between anabel i think that if this works it would be so good for me... like even if chloe leaves i should be in a good position its much favorable if joey leaves but chloe leaving is not HORRIBLE for me that being said theres no way i would vote chloe out bc it doesnt make sense considering they are not even including me in the plan but yeah im kinda excited that my social game is snapping rn

UPDATE: i think that i got anabel to flip and i rly want chloe to stay now bc i think she'd rly wanna work w me if she gets saved. ZACK FLORES U BETTER NOT SELF VOTE OR ALL OF THIS WILL GO TO SHIT!

PRAYS TO HAWAIIAN GODS FOR THIS TO WORK.

OMGGGGG THIS IS CRAZY. queen anabel is honestly doing what i think will be the best thing for her game and informing us (me, elmo, justin, chloe, ben) what the rest of the cast is doing and voting out chloe. anabel a snake QUEEN and wants us to blame lilly after all of this and i am SO FOR THAT. i just hope anabel isnt really working with them and the other side plan on like blindsiding me or something. idk.. if joey winds up going home then this will be so good and i will love anabel so fucking much. all HAIL the snake queen! anabel legend. just pls dont be lying to me bc idk our call we just had did seem a lil quick and shit..

today i am voting out johnny. i hate the judges of the last challenge except for anna dad. anna dad is cool..

This round is crazy i wish i had recorded audio.

{ ok this is part is written today: i forgot that my confessional was so shitty last round. everything below this will be falsified confessional trying to get back into my head from last round }

So tonight chlohie should be leaving. We have majority but Joey is getting some votes too. It'll be 6-5 and joey will be safe. I would be totally shocked if Joey were to leave.  

What time is it? *clap clap* it's that time where I over share my feelings in here yeehawwwwww. So going into this tribal this morning, ya girl was nervous. It was quiet. Too quiet. The first name I hear is Joey, I'm kinda like oh no I like him but he's not too active so okay. As the day progresses and I'm still not hearing anything, the alarm bells start to go off a bit. I'm trying to tell myself I'm just being over paranoid, it's okay, I am fine, it's just a simple merge vote. All of a sudden I get Anabel rushing into my messages telling me she wants to call, I'm like ok cute bonding experience I'm here for it. Ben then in my messages saying to be prepared for the shit show that Anabel is about to tell me. I can feel my pulse rising I be looking like spongebob up in this bitch just shooketh. I call Anabel. She's like sis ur being targeted. Im like you're fucking kidding. Shocked but not surprised. Asya, who I thought was my homegirl, now up in this bitch wanting to vote me. People I been talking to all day being like wow I'm nervous be wanting to vote me. And why? Am I a threat? AM I REALLY A FUCKING THREAT? I been to every tribal council yea, but at the same time I'VE BEEN TO EVERY TRIBAL COUNCIL. PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK AND STOP TARGETTING ME FOR 2 SECONDS. So where I think I stand right now - I'm working with Zack, Justin and Elmo hardcore. We have Asya, Bodhi, Joey, Lily and Jared on the other side. Then in the middle there's Ben and Anabel. But then Johnny I'm shitting myself about because I've no idea where he stands right now. If this goes to plan Joey will go home tonight instead of me. Watch yourself Asya, I thought we had each others back. You apparently just want to stab me in mine.

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just made like a pretty lengthy lowkey negative confessional. So here's a positive one. I've decided that I love Elmo again and I adore him fully as a person he makes me so so happy and I'm happy to actually have a shot at fixing out broken org relationship. He's fully one of my favouritest people I've ever met EVER. and I'm so so so happy I get to play with him again. Zack I also love so much, I feel we've never had the proper chance to connect but we kinda highkey doing it here and I want to go far with him. He always makes me smile no matter what. I just really really hope he's having fun. Justin I also love a lot, at first I was kinda unsure about him. He reminds me a lot of myself. But now I couldn't imagine this game without him. He is a strong player but I fully admire him. I'm glad I got to meet him for the first time ever in this game and I sure hope we continue to be friends even after it ends.

These 3 people make my little heart sing and although I'm not in the position I thought I would be in right now, part of me is glad. I think we're just going to be brought closer and I'm excited to see what future tribals hold for us.

DUDE CAN WE JUST VOTE OUT CHLOE SO I CAN ACTUALLY STAY

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Joey is voted out 6-5. He becomes the first member of the jury.