#but the technical issues aren't all resolved yet..

[tamelee]

they would've gotten along 🥹💕

[tanoraqui]

Dungeon Meshi Liveblog: Endgame...

I have no real notes on the 'escape from the dungeon' sequence, other than that it IS going to be fun to have an epic 'galloping away from total urban collapse/tidal wave' sequence in the anime.

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This is technically accurate-ish but also totally not, nobody but Laios (and we the reader) knows what happened in that final confrontation, and I wonder if he'll tell them? He has no reason not to, other than it being...deeply Weird(TM) in the way that only Laios really is.

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Namari expresses many feelings, including love, through violence, and I respect and appreciate that.

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I tagged this before, but: future royal advisors lmaoooo. (I know Shuro has his own princedom to rule, but not yet, okay, and even once he inherits, lbr every time he visits Melini for diplomatic reasons, Laios is going to be like, "Shuro!! :D Come to dinner! Do you have any ideas about [infrastructure taxes/crop rotation/vigilante assassinations/etc issue of the day]?")

(Note 2: I also know his name is "Toshiro" but the characters haven't stopped using the mispronunciation, so I'm going with what's dominant in the story.)

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He Suffers for this friendship :)

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CHILCHUCK IS BEING MEAN TO HIS FRIENDS AGAIN! NATURE IS HEALING!!

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THEY'RE BESTIES YOUR HONOR!!

Fun fact: this specifically, screenshot at 4:46am, was the point at which the combination of visibly lightening sky, mortifying threat of my roommates waking up early and seeing me still up, and the fact an eager Shuro/Laios hug signalled that clearly everything was going to be basically happy from here on out, all combined to make me finally close my laptop and get ready for bed...whereupon I read the rest of the comic in bed, because I REALLY needed to see Falin safely rezzed, for my own peace of mind.

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Hell yeah time to eat! our! girl!!!

And btw, shoutout to Laios for, indeed, eating the Winged Lion. King shit. (/Yaad voice) (ah shit, is someone going to have to break it to Yaad and all the other villagers that their "prophecy" was a demon's manipulations? Or has Yaad picked that up by now while traveling with Izutsumi?)

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Kabru: You know what you were doing, right?

Laios: 8|

Kabru: Never mind, don't answer that, so I can sleep at night ever again. Actually, never answer that, especially in front of any sort of press and/or foreign nationals.

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I really like how the orcs aren't offering Laios kingship so much as sanctuary. The underground here is theirs, because nobody else ever wanted it, just like nobody ever wanted them. If Laios is going to be arrested by elves if he stays above ground, and Pattadol and Flamela with their oh-so-polite and flattering invitations trying to do, then he's an orc in all but name and form, and he's welcome among them for the rest of his life.

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Laios: I need you to help me eat my sister!

The rest of the party, as one: We know this sounds insane and we're sorry about that.

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HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS PANEL:

Marcille resignedly headlocking Izutsumi so she doesn't maul anyone in response to being swarmed

Shuro, under duress, defaulting to strangling Laios (again)

Laios rolling his eyes because he's so accustomed to and tired of everyone reacting overdramatically to his perfectly reasonable requests

Kabru just rubbing his temple. He has a headache. He's so tired that he's not even trying to talk anyone down from anything.

Chilchuck closing one eye like maybe if he pretends to be asleep he doesn't need to be involved in this.

Holm nervously saying that he can't because he keeps gnomesher (gnome kosher)

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[happy sigh] politics!

I just love love love the 'all the random disparate allies you made along the way rally together at the end for an epic battle to defeat the big bad" - except the big bad is already defeated. USUALLY the way that works is:

Core hero party faces pre-plot climax interparty conflict, then resolves it

Rally disparate allies made throughout the journey to fight the Big Bad (note: allies may rally themselves; still counts)

Fight Big Bad first as a group, then winnow/isolate down to core party, then down to single Main Protagonist who faces and defeats the Big Bad in a character foil-heavy, extremely thematic final confrontation

Everyone lives happily ever after, the end!

In Dungeon Meshi, however, it was:

Disparate allies made throughout the journey rally together to...help the core hero party deal with their pre-climactic interparty conflict! (Marcille's monster army - which does still come down to the core party, of course)

Core party, then isolated to single Main Protagonist (Laios) faces and defeats the Big Bad in a character foil-heavy, extremely thematic final confrontation

Rally disparate allies to accomplish what Laios explicitly says was the TRUE goal all along: reviving Falin! (Via eating as a group because that's live! understanding! connection! life!!)

Everyone lives happily with continuous hunger, because that's what it means to live ever after, the end!

I JUST THINK IT'S NEAT

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It is sooo notable, though by this point unsurprising, that the elves' chief consideration of the consequences of all of this is that "things" (magic, international politics, etc) may end up "harder to keep under control."

My personal theory/headcanon-until-proven-otherwise is that mana levels above-ground will simply never fully subside to their dungeon-era levels again, and dungeon mana levels will be correspondingly lower - it'll all even out, basically, though underground will still have generally higher levels. This means:

there will be more monsters on the surface, especially large ones

magic will be easier for all races (though limits on how much they can hold at once will remain)

"dark" ancient magic, which (I headcanon) is particularly defined by an assumption that there is a Shit Ton of mana to draw on, will become easier and thus more common...which is okay because "need huge power source to draw on" is no longer the first step on a slippery slope to "let dungeon demon consume the world."

corollary: Marcille is going to live her best damn life studying and innovating with the above

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This micro-interaction is so sweet. Kabru isn't even talking to Laios, but he's still keeping him in mind, and he so casually says "my friend."

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TO LIVE IS TO WANT!!! CONTINUOUSLY! YOU JUST GO ON!

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It's so great and interesting how much the Canaries care about Mithrun! It'd be so easy for him to just be their royally-imposed boss, or their weird mascot that they have to take care of, and both of these things are part of the dynamic. But they also all care about him as a person! Fleki was smothering him like a doll a minute ago, but the instant there's real hope for his life, she's jumping on it breathlessly! They're all suggesting hobbies he could take up, and standing around rapt and breathless waiting to see if Kabru's speech works to get him back on his feet!

There's definitely parallels to be made with Laios here, in terms of adventurin party rolling their eyes affectionately at their leader and saying, "yeah, we WOULD follow this total freak into hell. That's our day job, actually. #onlysomeregrets".

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Mithrun... /single tear

I just wanna see this panel in color SO BAD, though. The green grass, the pale brown earth and the paler birch trees, and the semi-translucent ice fracturing the dark red dragon meat, with Mithrun's pooling green cloak and these 2 guys standing amids all of it... It's going to be so striking.

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I've decided that the one (1) headcanon I'm holding in total defiance of explicit canon is that TO ME, Yaad was the original concept art where's she's a fairy princess in aesthetic, the perfect princess-in-the-tower for a brave knight to rescue and so earn the right to kingship of the land.

She still ends up possessing her grandfather's body, to be clear, and having this and every other conversation. It just intensifies the "I survived 1,000 years of being a ghost by focussing all my hope on THIS TROPE and you are going to play it out!!" Sure, marriage isn't an option anymore but that's fine, that wasn't the most important part! If Laios doesn't know how to govern, then she (in her grandfather's body) will teach him! Or else!!!

TLDR Yaad's gender is Princess and I will not be taking counterargument unless it's very compelling.

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Lol @ how 1 of these guys is the actual, legally appointed ruler of the island and 1 is the top local crime boss, and everyone, even Laios, know they're on equal footing (at best - the Island lord is not a competent man.)

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Kabru of Utaya, PR Professional :)

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This really is a fun little chapter, with Izutsumi's struggle to figure out what to do next mirroring Laios's. She's wandering freely, insisting on her own freedom - and nobody is arguing with her! Everyone takes it for granted, so much that she feels a little unwanted! While every conversation she walks into involves responsibilities to others.

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Holy shit, forbidden civvies!Chilchuck. He has his sleeves rolled up and collar open and everything, sluttily baring his collarbone and a hint of chest hair... He's even implicitly about to get his forearms blood-splattered, while doing a domestic chore and explaining the importance of responsibility to his teen(?) adopted catdaughter. If he still looked like the 50yo tallman with 5 o'clock shadow that he equivalently is, he'd be the hottest sexyman on tumblr right here.

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Even though it has vegetables! Because it's made with love and life!!

[strangeswift]

Do you think the Duffers will be able to conclude all major character arcs and resolutions in a solid way as well as concluding the supernatural plot?

Like, for me, I just think they the duffers might struggle to stick the landing of their final season. Especially because nothing has been resolved in S4 and pretty much every character arc is left open alongside supernatural plot. I am not sure how they're gonne deal with that given there will be less screen time too? If anything what they did and write brought way too many unanswered questions to the table and like as I said, nothing is really resolved in S4. If you don't count Jopper, every single romance angst is left open. El/Mike/Will situation is all a mess. Steve/Nancy/Jonathan dynamic is a mess. Vickie and Robin havent even confessed yet alone become a couple, and for that to happen they have to insert Vickie to the story more. There's just too much stuff going on with Will that we don't know of yet and tbh after that weird Vecna revelation, it only brought more questions. Not to mention they have to address certain stuff and trauma issues with Will's character. Max and Lucas aren't even dating technically we dont know their fate and Max is in a coma. Dustin has his own issues so what happens to him and Suzie now there is an Apocalypse and Dustin's loss of Eddie too? What about the Russian plot and the monsters there, will it ever come up again? I could go on about this but I'd be too long honestly I don't know how theyre gonna tie all these loose ends when they pretty much left everything open and resolved nothing lmao. And I just think it kinda sucks when it comes to arranging the narrative and story arcs because if they have decided to resolve some things, then it would have been easier to focus on certain specific stuff in a better way.

Hi anon!!

Well I think keeping the character arcs unfinished until the final season is a smart move, there's a whole season of show left, it would be boring if the characters had no development left. But I mean at this point it's pretty clear what the character's arcs are going to be, they've already laid the groundwork for that through the whole show but particularly S4. Now they just need to complete them.

I think the supernatural plot and the Will/UD connection has the foundation laid pretty well too, I don't think it'll be too difficult to tie that together. We'll probably have to suffer through another Henry explanation monolgue of some sort though.

Also they have said there will be a time skip, so there's the potential for some things to be set up or resolved off screen, like for example everything that happened between S3 and S4 that we didn't get to see.

There's also some things that are probably okay being left open ended I think. Like for example Robin and Vickie, I'm sure we'll see them get to know each other more and hopefully smooch, but I don't really need them to become an official couple in S5. Or like I think that not a whole lot of screen time needs to be dedicated to Dustin and Suzie's relationship. If we didn't physically see Suzie S5 and it was just briefly mentioned I don't think that's a huge issue. Not that I don't want Suzie in S5, because I do, but there's a lot going on.

Overall I think there will be time to address everything you mentioned, I'm not worried about that. As pessimistic as I am, I think the writers have proven their ability to tie things together.

Now is everything going to be done exactly the way we want it? No, probably not. But you know... that's what fanfic is for. And I will be on the front lines with my fellow fanfic writers, Amen.

So anyway. Coming from probably one of the most pessimistic people in this fandom: Have faith, anon.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Ro

Ali: what's wrong Ro: What do you mean? There's nothing wrong Ro: I'm fine, thank you Ali: why aren't you talking to us then Ro: We are talking Ro: As for her, I have no idea who she is, so forgiven me for being hesitant Ali: She goes to School with us Ali: has done for like Ali: ever Ro: Well, I've never seen her before Ali: now's the perfect chance to meet her then Ro: When she's taken god knows what, I don't think so Ali: whatever she's taken doesn't impair your ability to be courteous, does it Ali: she was being perfectly nice to you and you were quite rude, frankly Ro: Telling me how pretty I am isn't nice, it's superficial Ali: you don't lose humility points by accepting compliments, come on Ali: if anything, what did Shakespeare say about protesting too much Ro: If anything, I lose credibility for accepting compliments that are clearly that false Ro: Particularly from someone who won't remember the interaction tomorrow Ali: How is that clear Ali: at all Ro: No girls are that nice, not to me Ro: Whatever she's setting me up for, I wish for no part in Ali: not to her either, if you cast your mind back, I'm sure you'll recall her name and the bitchery attached if nothing else Ali: that's just how she is, or how high people are, if you'd prefer Ali: it's genuine Ro: Oh, that's who she is. Now it makes sense why you've taken her under your protective wing for the day Ali: excuse me? Ro: You are very much a patron saint of lost causes at times, dear sister Ro: It's genuinely to be applauded Ro: I can do that from afar though Ali: Can you? Ali: because you're doing a poor job if you claim you are currently Ro: All I'm claiming at the moment is that the spectacle of the two of you is a little much to witness in such close quarters Ali: we're enjoying the BBQ Ali: it is meant to be a party Ro: It's a family BBQ, there's very little cause or need for celebration attached Ali: that might be how you wanna do it Ali: but not me Ro: Clearly Ro: It's very apparent you wish to have your cake & eat it, regardless of whether or not you leave the grill well enough alone Ali: I'm not sure you're very sure of anything right now Ali: least of all what you think of me and my intentions Ali: just ask me Ali: or say what you mean, at the very least Ro: I'm sure I don't see your girlfriend here, and yet, I somehow I almost do Ro: The next at the very least Ali: For one, Carly is straight Ali: and for two, I'm not going to make you break up with her for me, even if I was, so there's no need to concern yourself with that Ro: I'm not sure you're very sure of her of her or her intentions, Ali Ali: I take people at face value Ali: for better or worse Ali: I'm not forcing you to do the same but surface level is a little beneath all of us, no? Ro: Is she not a little beneath you? Ali: no Ali: who is Ali: what do you even mean by that Ro: Would you or would you not be in this vastly inappropriate state right now if she was not here Ro: She's bad news is what I therefore mean Ali: I'm high, I'm not Ali: shouting racial slurs or denying the holocaust, Lord Ali: and I've been high, plenty of times Ali: a second ago you didn't know her now you're certain she's bad news Ro: I know what everyone says about her Ro: That she doesn't deny any of it, quite the opposite Ali: so? Ali: like you said, everyone says things about you too Ali: doesn't make it right, even if any of it's true Ro: I'm not proud of being scapegoated, she obviously revels in her reputation, true or otherwise Ro: Is that how you want to be now? Ali: so she should revel in shame instead? Ali: maybe it's how she deals with it, I don't suppose to know Ali: but I don't suppose to say either of you is right or wrong, either so Ro: I'm not saying she's wrong, I'm not saying anything Ali: you don't need to Ali: I know you Ro: If you knew me even slightly you wouldn't be asking me to socialise with her Ali: I'm not asking you to be her best friend, or to even say much of anything at all Ali: just not be outright rude to her when she was polite to you Ali: shy or not, there's no need Ro: I don't know how to respond to that, is all Ro: you wouldn't take it so personally if you weren't so invested in this girl all of a sudden Ali: yes I would Ali: you being rude to any of my friends Ali: or guests, frankly, as I said, no need Ali: even if you have to resort to an awkward laugh and a thanks, your reply doesn't have to match in sincerity Ro: Knowing me, as you claim, you'd be aware that I was not rude in the slightest Ro: Walking away when you have nothing nice to say is in fact the polite approach, supposedly Ali: so now I don't know you? Ali: this is just silly Ali: but fine, if that's how you'd like it, I'll take a leaf from your book Ro: You're in a silly mood & not one that I'm here to entertain, that, indeed, is what your guest is for Ali: A silly mood Ali: Patronizing, for a start Ro: Well, again, you'll have to forgive me because that is how Tess is choosing to behave towards me in light of your every action and the frustrations for her therein Ro: You get to do as you please & I have to wage war over quantities of salad that have or have not touched my plate & so Ro: Here we find ourselves Ro: On opposite sides of this party Ali: I suddenly have control over her Ali: she'd pull you up on that regardless, you know she would Ali: perhaps more politely or gently but seems tempers are flaring as hot as the weather calls for Ro: You have control over yourself, or would, if you were not intoxicated by & with your guest Ro: & I would have someone to distract me from the torment if you remembered that I'm also on the list of invited people Ali: you don't know what I'm on, even, nor the effects Ali: again, if you'd have just asked me, I'd tell you Ali: I can't very well leave her alone as soon as we arrive Ali: especially when everyone is being as unwelcoming as possible Ro: You can very well leave me alone & yet still expect me to be welcoming Ali: I've not left you alone Ali: I was trying to talk to you Ro: You were trying to get me to talk to her, it's entirely different Ali: again, what am I going to do Ali: tell her to go away for a second whilst we have a private conversation Ali: we have all the time for that Ro: You invited her, you could have not, or warned me that you were Ali: okay, I could have told you, I accept that Ali: I didn't see it being the issue it is but fair Ro: I accept that I was abrupt & could've made her uncomfortable, in spite of it not being my intention Ali: okay Ali: that's fine then Ro: I'll resolve to try harder when I'm not in as much of a trying situation as this Ali: alright Ali: do you want me to talk to mum Ro: No Ro: I want her to stop talking about me like I'm being a problem Ali: I know Ali: that just makes her think she can solve it Ali: if she puts it like that Ali: it's a her thing Ro: Why am I even a topic of conversation, aside from not having one with Carly I've done nothing wrong Ali: they just worry Ali: that's their job Ali: has to be about something Ro: She has plenty of actual things to worry about or real problems to solve Ali: well you know Ali: glutton for punishment or whatever Ro: Well, she should go be a glutton for burgers before the flies are Ali: 😂 Ali: very true Ali: and good idea Ro: My IQ may not match yours point for point but it's sufficient enough for a 💡 or two Ro: On occasion Ali: 😏 okay okay Ro: Even when my enthusiasm has dimmed because Tess is trying to fatten me up for the new school year Ali: it is autumn term Ali: anyway Ali: amount of celery in it there's like, no gain Ro: Anyway, there are no such thing as negative calorie foods Ro: Celery still has 10 per stick Ali: yeah but burn that off by giving mum dirty looks whilst nomming Ali: easy Ro: if you could burn calories with looks she'd be a lot thinner Ali: savage Ro: & Bea would be invisible Ro: Alas, she can very much be seen Ali: not for much longer Ro: Mysterious Ali: not really Ali: uni beckons Ro: She'll still have to show herself, he's here Ali: of course Ali: wouldn't be surprised if he ends up there though Ro: Very little would surprise me when it comes to the two of them Ro: if they actually parted ways for good perhaps Ali: seriously Ro: Cathy & Heathcliff wish they were that intense Ali: what actually constitutes a moor Ali: have to check Ro: Typically, uncultivated hill land Ali: Hmm, reckon we're safe then Ali: technically moutains so Ro: & there are no low lying wetlands either which also constitute moors in the south of England Ali: is where she's going so Ali: cracked it Ali: not about the prestige at all Ro: If she packs a flowing nightdress it's proven Ali: I'll get her one Ali: going away present Ro: I'll embroider something fitting on it, just give me enough time Ali: but of course Ro: I'm sure it'll be extremely appreciated Ali: 'bout all I can afford, sadly Ali: have to get a sugar daddy herself Ro: You could always regift her the work itself, we have a copy that doesn't have too much marginalia as yet, that's free Ali: you should Ali: it's a good idea Ro: Potentially Ro: There are lots of other books I could add too, as applicable in their own ways Ali: quite how she's taking all the stuff she has as is Ali: da will probably have to drive Ro: She'll probably become a minimalist just before Ro: Take almost nothing Ali: with all those clothes? Ali: good luck Ro: Capsule wardrobes are very on trend, apparently Ro: Especially for students Ali: I'll have to Ali: though I'll miss the dressing up cupboard 💔 Ro: You don't have to take shoes, that'll leave room for costumes Ali: 💡 #2 Ro: Just believe, all you have to do Ali: 🙏 Ro: 🌠 Ali: [the fraze stuff happens] Ali: I'll see you later Ali: gonna party on Ro: Oh okay Ro: With or without your friend and brother? Ali: I highly doubt he's going anywhere without Bea's say-so Ro: Is she going to follow you or her wandering eye? Ali: I don't know Ali: she's got the deets Ro: & that's fine with you Ali: Not her keeper, like Ali: no doubt any of 'em will take great delight kicking her out if she don't go of her own freewill Ro: You don't think it's odd that you consider me rude for refusing to engage in conversation but not her for flirting with your brother right in front of you when you've been flirting with each other since you arrived Ro: & goodness knows how long before that Ali: I consider it rude to Bea, at best Ali: just embarrassing for me, and the rest of us Ro: I told you, she's got no shame, you'll need to take a leaf from that same book if you're going to be friends, I think Ali: let's not Ro: Fine, but it's not me you're mad at, let's not pretend that you don't need to address this with her Ali: I'm not mad either Ali: it is what it is Ali: I don't know what you propose I should do Ali: or should want to do, even Ro: It's obvious what you want to do Ali: is it Ro: Yes Ro: To you & the rest of us Ali: It just makes me sad, if anything Ro: You're allowed to be sad that she's not immune to Fraze's charms Ro: We were all hoping for better from her Ali: very droll Ro: Very accurate Ro: I thought she only had her head turned by travelers Ali: it's not that deep, babe Ro: I did say head turned, not heart stolen Ali: like I said, not a big deal Ro: If that's true, why are you sad? Ali: I'm sad FOR her Ali: not because of Ali: that she feels the need to do these things, and would continue without any indication that she should Ro: Earlier you didn't suppose to know how she feels, now you do? Ali: I'm not that dense Ali: can continue to think it's a joke though Ali: I don't care Ro: You can't have it both ways, either it's 'not that deep' & she's free to emerge relatively unscathed as are you, or it is, & it needs to be addressed Ali: Jesus Ali: you don't get it Ali: it's not that deep like Ali: if it wasn't Fraze it'd be someone, anyone else Ali: he's irrelevant to the equation, she's not picked him to be malicious or some shit like that Ro: I understood that perfectly well Ro: & either you're both fine with that or you aren't Ro: Which is it to be Ali: just because it is doesn't mean anyone has to be fine with it Ali: never said that Ali: that's not how life works Ro: if you like her, tell her Ro: that's how life works Ali: it really isn't Ro: Yes it is Ro: pick up a book, turn on the TV, look around Ali: that's not real Ro: Every relationship started with a confession Ro: There's nothing more real Ali: just stop Ro: She'll do it for you eventually, if you're willing to wait & pine Ali: when have I ever pined Ali: you're just being stupid now Ro: Exactly my point, why start now Ali: you were giving me plenty of reasons earlier Ali: I have a girlfriend, she's straight, main two Ro: She clearly likes you too, however she identifies Ali: it isn't that simple Ro: You're making it complicated Ro: before you're even spoken to her Ali: no, I've spoken to her Ali: it was you that hasn't Ro: Oh okay & she said she wasn't interested in you romantically Ali: yeah Ro: Fine Ro: Because you've got a girlfriend or because she prefers boys Ali: because she likes boys, only Ro: Perhaps she's just a tactile person and genuinely very complimentary Ro: But that sounds way less real than anything I said that you disbelieved Ali: I dunno, okay Ali: why are you suddenly so for it though? Ro: Why wouldn't I want you to be happy? Ro: That's rude Ali: isn't she gonna drag me down Ro: I've never made any secret of how I feel about anyone you've chosen to date thus far, just because my feelings are negative towards them doesn't mean yours are Ro: Or should be Ali: neither have I Ali: Carly's going out with Ronan, you know Ro: I doubt she's going out with him Ro: not in any committed way Ali: why Ali: you know exactly how committed he can be Ro: She wouldn't be flirting with you or Fraze if she felt similarly Ali: maybe they're chill like that Ali: can't all be Bea and Fraze Ro: Change committed to traditional in that instance Ali: don't blame them Ro: Of course you wouldn't, if their relationship is open, you have your opportunity to be with her back Ali: charming Ali: I'm not that scheming Ro: I'm not sure your absent girlfriend would agree but I'm not saying that you are Ali: what are you accusing me of on her behalf then, like Ro: I'm not accusing you of anything Ali: 👍 Ro: It's Carly's motives you should be careful of Ro: If you're so certain she's not interested, well, she's definitely enjoying your attention Ali: it's no effort for me Ali: she can have it Ro: Until it makes you sad Ali: it won't Ali: no more than I can handle Ali: don't worry Ro: That's impossible, telling me not to worry is like telling the stars not to come out or trying to change the tides Ali: well Ali: I know that Ali: but you don't need to worry about me, yeah Ali: like you said, more important, real things, yeah? Ro: it is real, I saw it Ro: & you're my favourite person to worry about, on account of being my favourite person that exists beyond the pages of a book Ali: 💚💚💚 Ali: I'll come for Hermione etc crown one day Ro: You'll need strong magic Ali: I know you're never doubting my magik Ro: I like to hope nothing's changed that much Ro: but the moon's not that forthcoming when I ask her about it Ro: The cards do tell me not to doubt you however, you'll be glad to know Ali: it hasn't Ali: good Ali: I'll be asking plenty questions of my own Ali: once I'm back Ro: I'm wishing on everything there is to make them on, with fingers of course crossed, toes too Ro: You should Ro: They've cleared a lot up for me so far this summer Ali: they always bring clarity, even if not obvious at first, or the desired clarity Ro: You remember that, it's a good start Ro: Perhaps you are still in there Ali: come on Posy Ali: I've not gone anywhere Ro: You have undeniably left, the where of which is unknown to me yet Ali: only literally Ali: physically Ali: just going to a house party Ro: No, it's as true figuratively, emotionally etc Ro: The distance exists and is only widening Ali: don't say that Ro: It's happening whether I speak it aloud or not Ali: only if we let it Ali: which I won't Ro: So I'll see you tomorrow Ro: that's a promise Ali: of course Ali: 'less you're planning to pack your bag and run off into the night Ali: need t discuss who's books, clothes, everything, is whose so you can't really Ro: Not unless I can also capture a star to use as a sufficiently bright torch Ali: wait 'til sunrise, sensible Ali: Rocky's probably gonna be jumping on mum and dad's heads but don't mean they'll notice anything Ro: After yoga, of course, I have a schedule whether or not running away has been penciled in does not necessarily mean it's prioritised above all Ali: again, so sensible Ro: It is me you're speaking to Ro: wise beyond her years or precocious, if you'd rather & it's not too late for that to still apply Ali: 😂 Ro: Well goodnight, if I'm to get up with the rising of the sun for my great escape, I'd better rest a while Ali: Oíche mhaith, codladh sámh 💚 Ro: Tú grá geal mo chroí 💞 Ro: be careful tonight Ali: 🤞

[thefirstknife]

Oh I agree that it's a bit of an issue right now and that the hints aren't exactly the main plot point. And they really rely on players knowing a lot about Osiris.

But I think we're still early in exploring it. No characters in game know yet (though many feel uneasy and have doubts about Osiris). It's an ongoing story that's only become more obvious in the past two weeks or so, despite technically happening since Season of the Hunt.

I could be wrong and Bungie could still fudge the reveal, but it's not yet time for the big reveal and for the explanation in game. I can only assume that this will become more and more apparent in the next few weeks and then fully revealed and explained next season and after.

So far, it's been happening really slowly and has been ramping up progressively each week. As I've not seen the leaks, I don't know when it'll be revealed and explained, but I'm sure it will be revealed and explained at some point.

Of course, it still requires a deep lore dive to fully grasp all the hints which is something Bungie just handwaves a lot and leaves many people confused. Sometimes I wish they would do better with their delivery and explanations because I and many others get a lot of questions about aspects of the lore that should be better explained in the game. For example, people having no clue who Lakshmi-2 is prior to this season. And I don't blame them! She's a fairly obscure character with just a few lore tabs. Her significance should've been set up better, especially for New Lights and other non-veteran players.

I don't want to ramble on further, just want to reiterate that this storyline is not resolved or even confirmed. We're still in the hints and foreshadowing phase and we will be there for weeks or perhaps months to come. When (if?) the reveal happens in the game, we'll see how it'll be handled.

i mean, sure, there is technically foreshadowing and evidence that something is wrong with osiris… but it’s all relegated to out of game lore pieces. and you were doing so well this season, bungie….

[nemesis-nexus]

Full Flower Moon 2019

HAIL NINHURSAG, Great Mother Earth,Grand Creatrix and Healer! HAIL ENKI, Lord of the Sweet Waters, Wise Father and Protector! You who know best in ALL situations, hear us! We know that life is a journey, not a destination and that journey can take us literally anywhere mentally, physically and/or emotionally. As we go through childhood we learn from all kinds of sources; our parents, our friends, our teachers and even clergy. Many of the things we were exposed to were supposed to build character, but some things were also destructive and intended to erode us mentally and emotionally until there was nothing left! We experienced several happy gains and we also experienced heartbreaking losses. All of these things were meant to steel our nerves and strengthen our resolve to move forward no matter what!

The struggles faced as teenagers, often dismissed by adults which is why many teens stop talking to adults to begin with, were very real to us no matter how trivial they may have seemed to them or anyone else. These issues often included things like arguments with friends, not getting asked to the dance, not getting along with a teacher among other things. Failing to understand that these things, while not usually life-threatening, can be very emotionally charged and therefore can build or erode trust and the ability to open up, leads to a teen feeling there is no point in talking about things that are much more serious because who’s going to actually take the time to listen to them anyway ESPECIALLY if they have a hard time articulating their thoughts in the first place?

While they may be young these days teenagers are also coping with a variety of problems including relationship issues such as physical and emotional abuse, sexual assault and even rape in some cases. Drug and alcohol addiction to deal with abuse of all types at home, bullying and other forms of social and peer pressure or to self-medicate in an attempt to mask mental illness issues such as PTSD, Anxiety, Depression and more serious ailments including Schizophrenia, Bi-Polar Disorder and even Body Dysmorphia so as to avoid being labelled “crazy” or “unstable” should they seek help.

It's easy enough to spot a whiner because they can't ever STOP telling anyone and everyone who will listen about their problems, however, someone who is actually dealing with a serious issue such as Suicidal Depression or coming to terms with their sexuality are MUCH more likely to NEVER open up due to fear of being judged and stigmatized, instead they will act like everything is OK so as not to inconvenience anyone else.

This often ends badly which is why it is necessary for society to evolve and cast aside the negative stereotypes regarding drug and alcohol use, mental illness, sexual preference and lifestyle choices, especially with teens because more often than not it is the SILENCE that kills them, not the drugs and alcohol or the mental illness in and of itself! Father we ask you to embrace all those who are fighting for their own survival and to hold on ESPECIALLY tight to those who are battling the enemies inside their own spirits that no one else can see!

If we are lucky enough to make it to adulthood, that's when the fun REALLY begins. We get to know who our friends actually are per those who choose to keep in touch with us after graduating high school or if we make even the slightest lifestyle change such as coming out or choosing to party less.

In many cases people drift apart and that's alright too as those who are meant to stay in our lives will find a way to be a part of them or if they wander, will eventually wander back. Those that aren't, won't and that's all there is to it! We must always remember to NEVER make ANYONE a priority in our lives if we are not even an OPTION in theirs!

Also in adulthood we experience much more devastating losses such as foreclosure on a home, loss of a parent (equally devastating for a child), loss of a child and/or loss of a spouse. These things can greatly change a person's outlook on life if they don't have the mental or psychological strength to cope or at the very least a person or people to help them deal with the loss. Father we ask that you be with all those who are going through the motions of grief and loss, help them to push on through and emerge stronger in Heart knowing that their loved ones will always be there and in Spirit knowing that YOU will always be there and as such we shall never face anything alone! AVE DRACONIS!

As we transition from our teenage years to adulthood we gain more technical freedoms such as the ability to obtain a driver's license, smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol and also to enlist in the military. When I think about the ages of those who are able to legally do any of the above, it makes me wonder who determined the logic behind them! I mean you can get your license at 16 but you can't smoke until you're 18; you can't drink alcohol until you're 21, but you can enlist in any branch of the military at 18. So you can operate a potentially dangerous machine at 16, you can smoke cigarettes and go to WAR at 18, yet you can't drink until you're 21? It seems to me that any ONE of these things has the potential to be fatal so why not just regulate ALL of them to 18 when one is a LEGAL ADULT, it makes more sense to me!

Yet another part of life is trying to see it through other people’s eyes. When I think about all the children born with horrific diseases such as cancer, HIV and those born with severe mental and/or physical disabilities, I am reminded to always be grateful for my own health no matter what issues I may have because to see a child at 7 who is fighting for their life not only not give up but have such a positive outlook on life no matter how dire THEIR circumstances may be makes one realize that our attitude towards any situation can be what makes or breaks us and that we too need to keep moving forward with everything we have no matter how difficult!

When I think of all the soldiers past and present, who were willing to sacrifice it all for people they will never meet, it reminds me that sometimes in life it is not only necessary, it can be VITAL to put others ahead of ourselves even if it means that life as we knew it may change forever! When people think about the military, more often than not they ONLY think about Washington and scandals such as Abu Grahib, they very seldom think of those soldiers on the front lines who enlisted NOT for the glory, the notoriety, the medals or commendations, but because they cared more about those they left behind than they hate those who they went to fight against!

These soldiers more likely to suffer from PTSD, Depression and Suicidal Thoughts because of what they have seen including their friends and in some cases their FAMILY getting killed in front of them, things they may have had to do to survive and things they may have to do because they were ordered to even if the one handing it down ALSO knew it was the wrong move. In many cases when they return stateside, they face foreclosure on their homes, ridiculous wait times to be seen by a doctor, even being abandoned by their own family because their stress and anxiety issues became too much for them to handle. Suicide among Veterans should NOT exist or should be minimal, they should NEVER feel that they have nowhere to turn ESPECIALLY when it comes to their mental health! That the government has allowed the VA to languish to the point that some Vets have given up completely is UNACCEPTABLE!

Mother, Father we ask that you guide all those who fought bravely in a war zone and made the ultimate sacrifice as well as all those who physically came home but whose Spirits were so ravaged that they couldn’t deal with it across the Great Divide to sit and feast at your table side by side with all the Warriors who came before! Let those who died in war be free of any confusion, anger and denial regarding their crossing and those who lost the battle in their own Spirits of any guilt that may have followed them back home and let them once again know peace! AVÉ NINHURSAG! AVE ENKI!

Now is the time of the Full Flower Moon when the last frosts are melting away and all the beauty of Nature really begins to burst forth in the form of wildflowers and lush greenery! Trees are near full blossom, animals rouse from hibernation and begin to seek out their mates and the hustle and bustle of the Natural World resumes activity at full throttle! It is during this time that we also need to pay attention to not only the Earth but the Sky as well! One of several reasons why the Human Race has devolved in many ways is because we got complacent! We used to look to the Stars and dream about life beyond them, now we can barely sustain our own ecosystem! We used to be industrious and create ways to protect necessities such as our water supply and our soil from being destroyed, now we are all too willing to dump toxic waste, coal mining and medical debris directly into the rivers and tear Mother Earth’s flesh apart with drills which have created a rise in seismic activity and compounding this by sending sonic blasts to locate oil deposits in the water that are known to kill and maim marine life!

Now more than ever we ALL need to wake up and realize that for all the fighting and squabbling over such petty issues such as religious differences and financial status, what are we really accomplishing besides expediting our own deaths Physical, Spiritual and otherwise? NOTHING. THAT IS WHAT. Let’s for the sake of argument say that everyone respected each other regardless of religion, sexual identity/preference, ethnicity, race or physical appearance - THAT ALONE would save MILLIONS of people from being cast out by their families, tortured by their government or marked for social persecution by any religious sect!

As for money, humans place so much value on IT instead of EACH OTHER that they allow themselves to be blinded by it! They oftentimes also use it as an excuse to treat others as though they were beneath them as well as demand preferential treatment, but what would happen if all that money were to disappear as though it were never there in the first place and they, unable to prove who they are because their entire fiduciary Identity were erased, were forced to live as those they mistreated?

People seem to forget that in this age of reliance on technology and with cyber crimes such as Hacking and Identity Theft becoming more and more common, a situation like that is VERY possible thus they need to step back and take a moment to understand that it is not and should not be the amount of paper or coin one possesses that make should make them worthy of being treated like a human being but the fact that they ARE a human being no matter what their socioeconomic status is and what they do to pay their bills!

Glorious Dragons who oversee All, the world is in need of a serious Spiritual Healing! It is beyond imperative that humans learn to balance technology with Nature as the two were never meant to be mutually exclusive, in fact the reason we have the intellect we do is so we can use it to utilize technology for the protection not only of Natural Resources but OURSELVES as well yet we have allowed our own egos, self importance and greed to overpower our better sense and the results of that corruption is all around us!!!

Two years ago I had the opportunity to travel to Europe and I’m glad I did! One thing I noticed as I walked around Amsterdam, Holland and even as I sat looking out my hotel room in Mönchengladbach, Germany I can’t help but notice is the differences in the landscape, the verdant green of the trees and grass that are not ornamental but were never disturbed even as the cities grew around them and the quality of such things as a simple meal!

I had some of the most delicious scrambled eggs I EVER tasted in Hoofddorp, Holland and what was it that made them better? Superior chickens? No. The fact that they’ve never been on antibiotics to fatten them up faster and they’ve never been factory farmed? Absolutely! The water is crisp and clean, even from the tap! It’s disheartening to know that our government allows our soil and water to be compromised and claims that it’s in the interest of JOBS and MONEY as though EITHER is going to matter if we are all DEAD due to the chemicals that are poisoning both!

I think one of the reasons that people are so willing to let the government get away with so much is because it is easier for people to rant, rail and blame the government for the state of the country rather than take responsibility for their own actions, from electing the officials to office to the policies they make that we do nothing to stop because we are too busy being blinded by empty promises and official stories to accept reality! The reality being that the government doesn’t give a damn about the people and most governments never will! In fact it is my contention that 75 - 90% of politicians who run only do so to have power over the people, not to help the people in any way, shape or form!

I think the other reason is because we have become so Spiritually disconnected that we allow things to happen here because we have been convinced that things will be better on the “other side” the problem with this is that in order to GET to the “other side” we have to DIE first so where does that leave us HERE while we are ALIVE? Better question, where does it leave our CHILDREN and our CHILDRENS children? We need to stop acting as though we are the only generation that matters and start looking towards the future generations and realize that the Native saying “We do NOT inherit the Earth from our ANCESTORS, we BORROW it from our CHILDREN” is true because what the future generations will end up with will be determined by what we leave them!

We are not here to trudge through life under someone else’s heel until the Reaper claims us; we are here to live our lives on Earth while keeping our eyes to the Sky and our hearts untethered and boundless across the Astral Plane! We are here to grow and evolve with the Natural Order of things, not to remain stagnant, stationary and unmoving! When we disconnect from the Universal Qi or Energy that connects ALL life, the effects are drastically clear, we are unable to relate to ourselves nevermind anyone else. It is this disconnection from our own Humanity that leads to ignorance, fear, hate, violence, war, rape, abuse of substances as well as ourselves and loved ones and can even cause nations to go war with each other! When we lose sight of what is really important in life, we lose sight of everything and that puts us and anyone who relies on us for guidance on a path of destruction that the higher up the political or social ladder a person is, the more potential that person has to create a situation that ends in mass casualties!

Mother, Father, we ask you to draw your swords and strike down all those who callously disregard their Natural Duty as a HUMAN BEING to safeguard our environment so that we don’t end up KILLING the very thing that is KEEPING US ALIVE!

We ask you to rein down Justice upon those who would KILL in the name of shameless GREED, who would LIE, CHEAT AND STEAL from those who barely have anything as it is just to fill their own pockets!

We ask you to raise your shields to protect those who are powerless against their abusers, to protect the most vulnerable amongst us from be taken advantage of or harmed in any way be they human, animal or part of the flora and fauna! !

To cover those who are still fighting with honor and courage on the front lines so that they may come home alive and guide those who lost their lives across the Great Divide so they may take their rightful place by your sides!

To shelter those who physically came home from their deployment, but are STILL fighting the war in their heads! Help them find their way back to themselves through you so that they may continue to live as a whole person!

We ask you to Enlighten the so called powers that be as to who the true power is on Earth and that would be THE PEOPLE! On the same token REMIND the People who REALLY has the power and that would NOT be the officials who NEEDED them to be elected to their offices in the first place! We ask that you continue to keep the watch over us as we continue to rise up and push back against those who would dehumanize any of us for the sake of selfish gain especially those who would destroy the ecosystem in pursuit of it!

Mostly we simply ask that like you always keep the watch over us, help us to help ourselves as we continue to grow and evolve! Be with us as we find our way and aid others in finding theirs! Help us find the Door, but make us Walk through it alone so that we may become stronger and able to learn all lessons no matter how harsh or hard! In short we ask that you don’t change anything you have done as far as being our Blessed Mother and Father, we only ask that you help us to help ourselves so that we may spring forth and stand tall like all the Flowers in your Garden!

I am including in this sermon alongside my own prayer, the lyrics to Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation; I have loved this song since it came out in the 1990’s and I find it to be more relevant than ever, NOT just regarding race relations but regarding relations of ALL kinds across the board from personal to professional, political to Spiritual, we have grown so far apart as a HUMAN RACE that we NEED to come back together if we have any hope for a viable future ESPECIALLY much further down the road!

“With music by our side

To break the color lines

Let's work together

To improve our way of life!

Join voices in protest

To social injustice!

A generation full of courage

Come forth with me!

People of the world today

Are we looking for a better way of life?

SAY IT!

We are a part of the Rhythm Nation!

People of the world UNITE,

Strength in numbers we can get it right,

One time!

SAY IT

We are a part of the Rhythm Nation!

This is the test

No struggle, no progress!

Lend a hand to help

Your brother do his best!

Things are getting worse,

We have to make them better!

It's time to give a damn,

Let's work together come on, yeah!

People of the world today

Are we looking for a better way of life?

SAY IT!

We are a part of the Rhythm Nation!

People of the world UNITE,

Strength in numbers we can get it right

One time!

SAY IT!

We are a part of the Rhythm Nation!

People of the world UNITE,

Are we looking for a better way of life?

SAY IT!

We are a part of the Rhythm Nation!

People of the world UNITE,

Strength in numbers we can get it right

One time!

SAY IT!

We are a part of the Rhythm Nation!

-Janet Jackson (“Rhythm Nation”)”

“’Seeds of Wisdom and Determination’

Plant the seed even if no one should notice,

It will sprout through the mud, a beautiful lotus!

No matter how far down we are buried,

We will arise, no need to be hurried!

For everything happens in Nature’s own time,

The secrets locked within, all reason and rhyme!

The Stars above are Eternal, their Wisdom is vast,

And we stand to learn from their far reaching past!

We are not here by accident, not here by chance,

We are here as a result of Mother and Fathers dance!

For loved us they did and love us they still do,

They’ve stayed by our sides always tried and true!

Now is the time for us to show them how far we’ve come,

By stepping up to the plate and reversing the damage done!

It won’t be easy, but it will be worth every minute,

To save the whole world and everything in it!

The responsibility is not theirs, it is our own,

To take heed of the weakened structure that is our Home!

We can do this; there is still time to come together,

To embrace and revere every Sister and Brother!

That doesn’t mean that we will always get along,

It is through compromise we will remain strong!

So raise up your chalices and toast to the Family,

Remember we are ONE even though we are MANY!

ZI ANA KANPA! ZI KIA KANPA!

MAY THE DEAD RISE AND SMELL THE INSENCE!

Etiamsi MULTA Et Nos UNUM Sumus Nos Sto Validus Ut Nos Sto Una!

Semper Veritas, Semper Fideles, In Diabolus Nomen Nos Fides! AVE SATANÍ!

(We Are ONE Even Though We Are MANY And We Stand STRONGEST When We Stand TOGETHER!

Always TRUTHFUL, Always FAITHFUL, In Satan's Name We Trust! HAIL SATAN!)

Etiamsi MULTA Et Nos UNUM Sumus Nos Sto Validus Ut Nos Sto Una!

Semper Veritas, Semper Fideles, In NINHURSAG'S Nomen Nos Fides! AVE NINHURSAG!

(We Are ONE Even Though We Are MANY And We Stand STRONGEST When We Stand TOGETHER!

Always TRUTHFUL, Always FAITHFUL, In NINHURSAG'S Name We Trust! HAIL NINHURSAG!)

AVÉ IGIGGI!

AVÉ ANUNNA!

AVÉ DRACONIS!

AVÉ THE GREAT SERPENT OF WISDOM!

HPS Meg "Nemesis Nexus" Prentiss

[dwindlingashesburnt]

I once noted areas of knowledge I failed in, largely due to a combination of my mother and my having gone to a tiny private school - I know nothing of celebrities, I am VERY bad at geography in the sense of pointing out places on a map, I do not know nearly as much as I would like about people who are autistic or have disabilities or mental health issues or aren't white because every kid who went to my primary school was none of the above, every kid was white, and my mother is (at times very blatantly) racist, homophobic, ableist, borderline sexist, and hates religions other than her specific branch of Christianity.

I've partially remedied my lack of knowledge about lgbt stuff and sexual health stuff but that's about it and That's Not Good Enough.

And some of my questions are so fucking basic and juvenile that there is NO WAY I could ever ask it in a polite way not get an actual answer. For example, if I scratch my skin lightly it goes paler, a white colour, then red, then disappears. I had kind of assumed that when one of my friends - not white - did the same to her arm, it would go paler so a lighter shade of brown, then I wasn't sure, then disappear. Instead it went grey and then instantly vanished which perplexed me. But that's something I should have found out when I was four and we were dumb kids doing that sort of thing not when I was like 12 and I know for a fact I made all my friends uncomfortable with my own confusion and blatant lack of knowledge but I don't know how I can get that kind of stupid kindergartner knowledge now that I am no longer in kindergarten

I recall one of my friends mentioning they were Pagan a few days after I'd discussed with my friends that I liked the idea of the ancient Greek or Roman Gods better than those now in Christiany or Islam. I remember resolving after that to see if I could research various religions and or faiths, because giving up on all faith ever because I wasn't a fan of Christianity or Islam seemed a bit stupid when I could instead see if there was any faith that DID ring true for me. Never even got started on that one.

I know I could and should start getting better at cleaning, cooking, general house skills....But I don't.

I've got piles of hobbies- crocheting, sewing, bookbinding, attempts at writing - that I could do in my spare time...But I don't. They just lay there, baskets of crochet hooks and wool, bags of the special card and wrapping paper and so on I use for binding little notebooks, a sewing box overstuffed with items, and they all just lay there.

I didn't participate nearly as much I should have in my friends discussion of sorting stuff for the group in meeting up, prom, studying together, whatever. Frankly I don't participate as much or as well as I should full stop.

I know I should get a job this summer and summer is RAPIDLY approaching, but have I even vaguely started doing anything, even working more on my CV yet? No

Do I revise as much as I need to? Fuck no

I know I want to go to the gym starting this summer, and my friends promised to go with me. Have I researched this? Have I discussed it much with said friends? No, of course not.

Have I walked when I wanted or needed to, have I ever walked instead of getting the bus, have I climbed a tree, gone to the park, run around, played with my friends in a ny sort of ACTIVE way beyond sitting around with cards? Of course not. Barely ever. Who do you think I am, someone who actually does things that benefit myself and or others?

It's so fucking pathetic.

And it used to be that I had legitimate reasons for all of the above. I was terrified, I was overworking myself, I was miserable, possibly depressed, I was so fucking tired all the time that getting out of bed was a Herculean effort.....But none of that's really true anymore.

And I guess I could probably make somewhat of a case now. That even if I'm better, I've been recovering for years and I'm still not there yet. That I'm technically in the middle of a relapse right now. That the issues with sleep, lack of interest in any and all of my supposed interests,hobbies or friends, and so on and so forth is probably a bad sign.

Or maybe I'm just making excuses and have egotten too used to having those excuses be legitimate so now I really need to just get off my arse and DO STUFF, but...

But, the fact is...When everything was crippling me like that, some days I would just lie there and stare at a wall all day, barely remember to eat, stare some more, then sleep, and that would be all. But the small amount of time that I wasn't that bad, I still managed to get so much more done then, than I do now, when I'm about 15 times better off.

I just...I play stupid games on my phone. I read stupid stories. I pet my cat. I stare at the wall. I alternate between eating too little, or eating too much and far too much of that being unhealthy food. I lie about what I did that day. I forget to drink. I cry. I get angry. I watch stupid fucking YouTube even though I often don't even WANT TO (why do I fucking do it? I'm so fucking tired and it's 11pm and I don't even WANT to watch YouTube an do still do anyway? Why do I do that? Because I what to be in control? Can't my brain see this is giving me LESS CONTROL-) and then at like 1am I go to sleep, it try to, and I wake up exhausted, and I stumble through interactions, and I cry, and I get angry, and I stare at the wall, and I lie about my plans for the day, and it just repeats.

Why can't I just do stuff?

What is wrong with me?..

I’m annoyed at myself in a kind of saddening way today.

I failed to do the stuff I wanted to do/needed to do today.

I wanted to do some kind of vaguely good or kind act in town today even if it was as small as going somewhere other than Primark for clothes or smiling at a passer by…I failed to do that.

I bought nothing I wanted or needed, instead I made two impulse buys - I’ve been telling myself to stop with the impulse buys for months and it clearly isn’t working and I’m not working hard enough at it - and worse, both of said buys were sweets. I’m aware I need to have a healthier diet and to lose weight so this is bad

I thought about asking my sibling to get off the bus early so we could walk the rest of the way home, but I didn’t. I didn’t even ASK. God.

When I got home I went, well, I won’t eat all these sweets today, I’ll just eat some of the sugar free ones and leave the rest and the chocolates for tomorrow.

Oh yeah and the sugar free ones say they can have a laxative effect if you eat too many at once but that’s fine because I’m not going to eat many, just like five gummy bears.

…….

I ate the whole fucking packet AND the chocolates.

Ohhhh and we’re going to the beach tomorrow so will probably be up early for that day trip. Oh and I’ve been saying for DAYS that I need to just go to sleep when I go to bed and stop depriving myself of sleep for stupid reasons.

But of course, instead of doing the fucking sane thing and either sleeping at around 9pm when I went to bed or at least 10, or instead spending the time on something productive or self care to presumptively deal with any issues tomorrow, I watched stupid YouTube videos I was barely even INTERESTED IN, for HOURS.

Now it’s a few fucking minutes from midnight, and I’m still awake, very tense, with an upset stomach from eating too many of the fucking laxative sweets, ringing in my ears from too much sleep deprivation and feeling both dizzy and light headed AGAIN though god fucking knows what that’s about - but guess what I’ve got to describe it all to a fucking neurologist in the far too close future and aint that gonna be fun

I’d love if I could at least wave a hand and be like yes but this is due to my relapse! Or this is due to issues with my mother! Or whatever else but as much as I could probably argue a case for any of those if I tried, it isn’t fucking true. All excuses I can think of are just that - I’ve certainly occasionally used them as an excuse to indulge my bad habit but they’re not the actual cause. The actual cause is I started taking the path of least resistance when I was too exhausted, scared or debatably depressed to do otherwise, but then I got better and just never fucking changed that habit because it was effort and I didn’t really care and I didn’t want to have to face any sort of responsibility for my own actions nor to take control of my own life and that’s fucking pathetic and yet I still sit here and list all the things wrong with where I am now, all the things that describe where I want to be, all the many ways I could work towards that and then just NEVER FUCKING DO ANY OF THEM