#but the people running beside me prolly thought I got that winded from going 3 mph sooo

[breathofthewildyaverage]

At the gym, on a moving treadmill, in front of several people, is not the best place to have a sudden fainting spell. So thanks for that, body.

[the-nagakenny-archives]

The Break-In

((OOC: This is just a little piece I’ve been working on that takes place in the Batman: TAS universe. :’3))

Kenny Huggins whistled to himself in the passenger seat of his secretary's car and took note of the sinister-looking Studebaker that was parked in a shady spot away from his driveway as they pulled up to his home. He said nothing to Maddie, though; Maddie was a dependable but timid woman and would probably want to call the police. He was perfectly capable of handling unexpected visitors on his own terms.

"Thanks for the ride, my darling!" He leaned over and gave her a swift peck on the cheek. "You're a peach!"

Maddie blushed but gave him an adoring smile in return. "Y-You're welcome, sir. Aren't you ever going to learn how to drive, though? It would be a lot more convenient for you, you know."

"Nope!" Kenny declared cheerfully as he stepped out of the car and shut the door. "Besides, I have too much fun riding with you. I'd miss it terribly."

"Fibber." Maddie grinned bashfully, brushing a lock of her blonde hair behind her ear.

"Oh, almost forgot!" Kenny dug into his pants pocket and brought out his wallet. "Here you are. For the gas." He reached in through the driver-side window and handed her two crisp twenty dollar bills.

Maddie fumbled with the bills, a bit taken aback. "B-But--"

"Is it enough? If you want I can add another." He was already reaching for his wallet.

"N-No, that's fine, it really is!" It always startled Maddie how frivolously generous this man could be. "It's more than enough, thank you!"

Kenny waved to her as she pulled out of the driveway and drove down the private road, and watched her go with his hands in his suit pockets. He enjoyed the quiet atmosphere of near-evening for a few moments. It had been a long day at the office---not that he actually had done anything that could be considered work, really. He went to the office mostly to keep up appearances and morale, and to meet with Very Important People occasionally. He had gone to one such meeting today, and it hadn't gone well; at least not for the Very Important People that had came to see him. He expected that was why the Studebaker was here. Someone---and he thought he knew exactly who---had sent in their goons to do a little more negotiating with him in private.

He allowed himself a small smirk and started walking to the front door. Well, he had never been known to turn away unexpected company.

Ten minutes earlier, Eddie Kowalski was squinting out the window from his vantage point, watching the silver coupe pull into the driveway. "And here comes Mr. Sunshine himself," he muttered to himself gruffly. "Okay boys, get by the door and jump him when he comes through."

"The heck is this guy's deal, anyway?" Peanuts Zimmerman, the smaller and younger of the two remaining men, was poking around in the refrigerator. "There's nothing in this thing except raw meat and mineral water. Some fruit, too."

"Prolly some fad diet or somethin'," grunted Gil Foster from his spot near the door, arms crossed over his chest. He was an impressive slab of mountainous continent. He cracked the knuckles in each of his brick-like hands. "All rich fruitcakes are into that sorta thing."

"Peanuts, stop clownin' around and get in position," Eddie hissed. He took the brass knuckles out of his pocket and put them on his right hand. "He's coming to the door."

"Okay okay, don't have a cow." Peanuts darted in, arranging himself on Gil’s right flank. There wouldn't be much for him to do except maybe kick the guy in the kneecaps if he tried to get smart; Gil's size and strength was usually enough.

But not this time, however.

Even if Kenny hadn't seen the Studebaker, Gil would have blown their cover anyway; Kenny could vaguely sense the intruder's body heat emanating from the other side. A big man, probably just as big as himself, and at six foot five he was nothing to sneeze at. As soon as he stepped through the threshold that gorilla-goon would jump him, and was he going to stand for that kind of conduct in his own home? Surely not.

Whistling, he put his hands in his pockets and started walking.

"Wait.....what the--?"

When the front door failed to open, Eddie chanced a sideways peek out the window. Their target was ambling around the side of the house and out of sight.

"Aw, dammit! Come on, he's moving!" He motioned for them to follow him down the hall with an annoyed flick of his hand.

"Huh?" Peanuts blinked incredulously. "You don't think he knows we're here, do you? Do you think he--"

"Nah, I met this guy when the boss went to meet with him today. Typical billionaire pretty-boy. 'Bout as bright as a damp match." It was a little disquieting, though; had they not hidden the car enough? Could he have seen Eddie peeking out the window? If they screwed this up Eddie knew there would be hell to pay with their boss, and that was the last thing he wanted to deal with.

The three goons made their way through the huge, expansive house, convening at the back door, and waited. This time they’d get him for sure. 

Kenny hummed to himself as he nonchalantly climbed up the side of the house, moving with uncanny ease. He had had to take his shoes off; they were all wrong for climbing, and would have made too much noise scrapping against the siding. He wouldn’t be needing them anyway, once he got to the upstairs window. 

Within minutes he sidled into the house, chuckling cheerfully. By now his ‘surprise party’ would have moved to the back door, no doubt. He’d greet them eventually, but first he had to make himself presentable.

After a few minutes of waiting by the door with no results, the goons heard a strange noise upstairs----a slow, stealthy sliding sound. Immediately they all looked up, on the alert. 

“What was that?” Peanuts hissed. “Sounded weird. Like someone dragging their feet across the floor.” 

“What do you mean, ‘someone’?” Eddie snapped at him. “There ain’t anyone in here besides---”

“Fellas, we got a problem. He pulled a disappearing act on us,” Gil grunted gruffly from his post. “He ain’t coming to the door, as far as I can see.”

Anger and frustration seared Eddie’s brain like a grill-mark across a steak. This was quickly turning into a botched job, and their control over the situation was slipping through their fingers faster than he could think. “Okay, so he’s inside then,” he growled through gritted teeth. “I see how it is. Fine. We can handle it.” 

“Handle it?! What if he’s callin’ the cops right now?” Peanuts yelped, wild-eyed. 

“Oh, not to worry, I haven’t called anyone. I won’t have to.” 

The three goons looked in the direction of the cheerful voice, and they were stunned into silence by what they saw. Peanuts’ jaw dropped, his eyes bulging. Eddie took an unconscious step backwards, his face contorted in a mask of fear and disgust. Gil fainted dead away. 

Kenny was coming toward them from down the hall, hands folded behind his back, teeth shining bright in a toothsome grin. He was dressed only in his suit jacket and shirt, and under normal circumstances that would have been disquieting; unfortunately this detail was the least disquieting thing about him at the moment. He wasn’t walking toward them---they recognized now the sound they had heard upstairs. He slithered toward them with a gently winding mass of serpentine coils that trailed behind him for what seemed like forever. 

“He’s some kinda’ freak!” Peanuts shrieked hysterically. “A monster! Oh sweet Mother Mary, get me outta here!” He turned, making a run for the back door. 

A huge, thick tail whipped past Eddie, making him jump to the side with a gasp and stumble to the floor. It snatched Peanuts by the ankle and heaved him off his feet, dangling him upside-down while he wailed in terror. 

“Excuse you,” Kenny said slyly, flexing his tail muscles and bringing the man up close, gazing into his terrified upside-down face. “I take offense to those particular terms.”

Eddie stared in silence at the unbelievable scene for a moment, then seemed to come to his senses; as Peanuts babbled incoherently, pleading for Kenny not to hurt him, Eddie got unsteadily to his feet and made a run for the door himself. 

Unfortunately, he soon discovered escaping that way would be impossible for the time being. Gil had fainted right beside the back door, and his gorilla-like bulk was completely blocking it from being opened. Eddie cursed under his breath and knelt, giving Gil’s blocky face a few whacks to try to get him to come to. “Come on, wake up, you dang lummox...”

“Please oh please lemme go, I just wanna see my ma, I wanna go home to my ma,” Peanuts blubbered from where he dangled.

Kenny shushed him, shaking his head. “Not yet. So why don’t you just relax-ssssss while I get this all sorted out, hmm?” 

Eddie looked up from trying to slap Gil awake at the sound of Kenny’s gentle hiss, and then something happened that he couldn’t quite make out----something with Kenny’s eyes. He was too far away to really tell what it was, but it caused Peanuts to gasp softly and stop blubbering entirely; in fact, his dangling body slowly went limp. Eddie decided to hell with it; he’d charge him head-on with his brass knuckles while he was dealing with Peanuts and go for the front door instead. Gil and Peanuts weren’t his responsibility, they’d just have to fend for themselves. He didn’t get far with that thought, however; Kenny placed Peanuts gently on the floor and began slowly slithering toward him. 

“Hey, I recognize you,” Kenny said, cocking his head with a smile, his eyes twinkling with mirth. He had the air of a man greeting an old friend rather than an intruder in his house; it made Eddie extremely nervous. “You were there in that meeting with Roland this morning. Is that what this is about?”

“Don’t come any closer or I’ll knock your block off,” Eddie snarled, brandishing his brass-encased right fist. Now he was wishing he had brought something more lethal, like a gun; Gil had been the most effective weapon they had thought to bring, and he was currently still out cold. To be fair, none of them could have come close to predicting their current situation. 

“Hmm. Isn’t that funny.” A sly glint shone in Kenny’s eyes. One of his massive coils rose into a hill, and he rested his elbow upon it, leaning his face against his hand. “You break into my house, I don’t call the police, don’t even wish you any harm, and you threaten me. You humans are a strange bunch, to be sure.”

Eddie was more unnerved than ever by this, but a plan came to him then. He pointed accusingly at Peanuts, still laying inert on the floor. “Don’t wish us harm, huh? What’d you do to Peanuts, then?” 

Kenny smiled and turned around to look. Eddie saw his opportunity and pounced on it with dark enthusiasm; he wound up for a particularly heavy blow and let it fly. 

Eddie’s fist was snatched mid-trajectory, causing him to grunt in surprise, and he was lifted clean off his feet just like Peanuts had been. He had somehow managed to forget about Kenny’s tail; it had grabbed him and wrapped completely around his hand and arm. 

Kenny chuckled and looked back at him. “Why, he’s fine,” he said slyly. “He’s just very relaxed. You should follow his example, honestly. Maybe I could...give you a hand? Hmm?” Kenny waggled Eddie’s arm back and forth with his tail, laughing in his throat. Eddie growled in reply and started kicking his feet and swinging his free arm, trying in vain to get himself loose. 

“Ah, but seriously now.” Kenny lazily settled himself among his coils. Eddie suddenly found himself rolling in mid-air as thicker coils manipulated around his body, pinning his arms and legs. His head and stomach lurched uncomfortably. “Let’s cut to the chase. I know why you miscreants are here---Roland’s got a sore spot about how this morning went, so he sent you three to intimidate me a little. Maybe more than a little, judging by your unsophisticated weapon of choice.” Kenny slowly wagged his index finger, tsking to himself. “I regret letting him have that extra coffee and doughnut now.”

“Look, I---mmmph!” Eddie’s angry protest was stifled by Kenny’s tail draping over his mouth.  

“Please don’t try to talk your way out of this. You’ve embarrassed yourself enough already.” Kenny brought Eddie close so that they were eye level with each other. “I’m not gonna kill you, if that’s what you’re worried about. I like humans in general too much to do something like that to you.” Kenny leaned forward until their noses almost touched, his voice lowering menacingly. “But I also can’t let you leave here having seen what you’ve seen.”

Eddie’s eyes widened and he shook his head rapidly, trying desperately to communicate that he wouldn’t talk. He couldn’t even imagine what Kenny meant by that---torture maybe? Eddie’s stomach lurched again. 

Kenny’s menacing glare melted into an easy grin, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “Did that scare you? I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. Bad form, I know, but the opportunity doesn’t present itself very often.” He chuckled. “Now, I can’t just trust you to keep this to yourself, that’d be silly. I have to make sure of it.....myself.”

Eddie glowered darkly into Kenny’s face. He didn’t know what this screwball snake.....thing was playing at, but he was tired of being toyed with like some kind of child’s ragdoll. Maybe if he took a bite out of his tail, that’d teach him....

What he saw next would have made him gasp---like Peanuts had done earlier---but he was still silenced by Kenny’s tail against his mouth. Kenny’s eyes, normally a dark brown shade that was almost black, were now full of the most beautiful colors Eddie had ever seen, blooming from the pupils in an endlessly repeating pattern. Eddie’s angry glare softened, his eyes widening as he watched the colors, rippling and expanding over and over and over. He began to feel a peculiar sense of sinking into those colors, and he realized vaguely that this wasn’t right, and tried to resist. He grunted and shook his head, grimacing, attempting to tear his eyes away. 

“Relax-sssss, my iniquitous friend,” Kenny purred silkily, his eyes still rippling rainbows. “Regard me with those beady hoodlum eyes, listen to my dulcet tones, and you’ll feel like you’re on cloud nine in just a few moments.” 

Eddie’s struggles didn’t last long, and he found that Kenny was right; it wasn’t bad at all. He groaned softly as he let the colors in, seeming to fill his mind with warmth and fluff, his anger and scheming thoughts winking out one by one like tea candles in a gentle breeze. Kenny’s tail slipped gently from his mouth, which now hung half-open in fascination. A serene, empty calm had begun to come over him like a soft, heavy quilt. 

“Good. Now....” Kenny smiled slyly and slowly rose up from where he lounged, his powerful torso towering above Eddie slightly so that Eddie was forced to look up into his face to catch the colors that held him spellbound.

“Sleep.”

“So, it’s all settled---me an’ Ma decided we’re heading out to California to live with my uncle. He could use a hand around the house, he’s gettin’ kinda old, ya know? And the warm climate’ll be perfect for Ma, too. She’s gonna meet me at the airport, you’ll get to say hello.” 

“Sounds swell. I’m headin’ up north myself. It’s always been my dream to get a glimpse of them whadayacallits, the ‘Rora Borealis. It’ll be good to get outta this town, that’s for sure.”

Eddie blinked in bewilderment in the backseat of the Studebaker. Gil was driving, Peanuts riding shotgun. There was a suitcase sitting next to him that he somehow knew was his. He couldn’t remember how they got to this point. 

“Hey, Eddie, where you movin’ to?” Peanuts turned in his seat to look at him, an excited grin lighting up his boyish face. “Rome? Bora Bora? China?”

“Uh...” Eddie frowned as he scanned his thoughts for an answer. He sighed in relief when he found it. “I’m goin’ to Amsterdam. Got a job with Greenpeace there.” How could he have forgotten? This was the biggest break he’d had in a while. 

Peanuts whistled, impressed. “Say, that’s really great! What kinda’ job?”

Eddie grinned broadly, a gesture that, for once, held not a single ounce of cruel malice. “Human Resources.” 

The Studebaker continued on its voyage to the airport, the three men inside looking forward to their particular journeys and new paths their lives were taking them, with no memory of what had transpired that day whatsoever.