#but the parentification. that. fine. I’m an adult now and can take it. but I shouldn’t have had to as a child.

[shatterthefragments]

We were having a pleasant dinner mum. All you do is complain. And make yourself the victim when hey- maybe after a long day at work I don’t want to just be your vent buddy!?

“So why don’t I just shut up. I won’t talk to you then. I know deep down you kids would’ve preferred a different mother anyway.”

Yeah. A mother that got treatment for your mental health issues. And wouldn’t take it as an utter failure of yourself if you found out that both your children have mental health issues too. (Which. Yeah. Maybe the dream is to have a mother who took care of their mental health and maybe informed the children of how stuff might feel and how it’ll get better. Because as roller coaster-y as I am still. And the lows are always crashing straight o the bottom. Like. CHOOSING to go for walks and go outside and do things that I enjoy has been so beneficial for me. Making new friends here and talking to them and interacting has been so beneficial for me. I have a will to live that actually makes me a little scared to die. Despite how it feels in the moment (oh how fucking easy it would be to scream back WOULD IT BE EASIER TO HAVE HAD CHILDREN WHO WERENT SO SCARED TO SPEAK UP INSTEAD? WOULD IT BE EASIER IF I WERE DEAD? YOU ALWAYS SAY YOU THINK OF US MORE AS FRIENDS THAN AS MOTHER-CHILD. AND GUESS WHAT BITCH? IF MY FRIEND HADNT LEFT THE HOUSE IN AS LONG AS YOU I WOULD THROW THEM ON MY BACK AND TAKE THEM FOR A DRIVE TO SOME NATURE PLACE.) I. I want to want to live. I want to live. (But shiiiit I can’t live here forever like this.)

[brokenjardaantech]

captain allen appreciation week 2020 day 2: college au

summary: set in early 2021 in the same universe as the previous entry. the pandemic is not over yet. america as we know it is on the brink of collapse. now that anna is in the air force academy, allen can finally go to college himself. except that everything is online cause social distancing.

notes:

this fic is the closest to reality among everything else i've written. i don't have 2021 vision, but this is what i imagine what things will be if america continues being like this in everything.

i know the space force as an independent branch of the us military is still a fairly new concept, but let's just assume that they need people so desperately that they'll pull prospecting cadets onto the path to space starting from their academy years. they used to be a branch of the air force anyway, right?

tags: brief mentions of childhood neglect and parentification

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The high-pitched hum is driving Lou crazy, so he turns on the speaker on his laptop and plays some potato peeling ASMR to give the house some other noise. The hum disappears, but seeing the Slavic guy peeling potatoes makes him want to cook again, and cooking for himself...just sounds depressing. Not that he hates cooking alone - he takes pride in being able to prepare his own food and be good at it - but he doesn’t have much of a choice in raw ingredients; he stocked up when it was announced that a large storm is coming, and all he has is canned food - hardly something he would prepare for Anna had she been here.

He switches tabs, discovering that his new lecture is still downloading, and lets out a groan. Fucking blizzard locking him in and fucking with the internet. Now he can’t even study when he’s snowed in in his own house - yes, his own fucking house, because his Papa apparently can’t stand Alaska anymore after his wife disappeared and fucked off back to France as soon as he could, leaving his property (which had been his wife’s) to his children to distribute between themselves, and Lou, being the only adult during that time, became a homeowner. Sighing, he goes to his email and drafts an apology.

Professor, am snowed in. Internet slow. Can’t stream lecture, so tried downloading. 5 hrs in, only 70% downloaded. Requesting deadline extension. L. W. Allen

He sounds like Anna in this one, thoughts going so quickly that she omits pronouns and ‘the’s and ‘a’ or ‘an’s while she’s typing. Except that he’s typing slowly with his non-dominant hand while scooping cooling mashed potato into his mouth with his other hand. Damn it, he misses his sister.

The potato peeling video is over and he still is not sleepy, so he goes over the lectures he has downloaded and chooses the one he remembers being useful in writing his paper to be his new background noise. The drone of his professor’s voice makes him think of Anna rapid-firing her thoughts while she’s doing his homework for fun.

Everything comes back to Anna.

His Skype jumps with an incoming call, and he accepts it without reading who that is, acting in desperation for company good or bad.

‘Allen here.’

‘Lemme guess: you didn’t read the description.’

Lou is so relieved to hear his sister’s voice that he nearly cries. ‘How the fuck did you do that? It’s midnight on your side.’

‘I’m different, Lulu, haven’t you heard?’ Anna dismisses her brother’s question, proud as always. ‘Snowed alone in the house must be hard.’

He laughs. This is ridiculous. ‘Yes it is. How did you know that?’

‘You talking about the snow part or the lonely part?’

‘Both.’

‘I’m not completely cut off from the rest of the world. I read the weather forecast and report, and I lived with you and only you for four years. Enough time to discover a pattern, I should say.’

Lou takes the laptop and flops down onto his bed. ‘We haven’t been apart for longer than a day back then.’ Placing his Bluetooth headphones over his head, he lies down on their bed - his bed now - and allows himself to imagine that this is just one of their many pillow talks about nothing and everything. Oddly, he can’t imagine his sister doing the same. 

‘It’s called logical deduction, bruh. Then her voice softens. ‘You spent most of your life taking care of me. I’ve got planes to fly, programs to write, labs to blow up and muscles to flex. You get to listen to some boring old man spew bullshit about our minds as if the theories he teaches aren’t outdated as hell.’

It puts a smile on Lou’s face. ‘I don’t think they’ll let you stay for long if you blow up too much shit in the lab.’

‘Details, Lulu, details. Hey - check your time.’

Lou squints at the corner of the screen where the clock should be. 17:58. ‘Fuuuuck,’ he groans. Of course Anna’s awake - it’s just 19:58 on her end. ‘Fucking storm fucking with my sense of time.’

‘Hail English,’ says Anna. ‘Though not as elegant as our father tongue. How’s the French club going on?’

‘I’m developing abs from laughing too hard. There’s one fine but thin line between normal conversation and random-ass flirting, but they don’t seem to grasp it.’

‘Not everyone has an incompetent French dad who barely speaks English but moved to America anyway.’

‘Very true,’ Lou admits. Anna turned up fine even with only minimal parental guidance, but at what cost? Himself, probably, except that he seems fine as well. ‘How about you? How’s the Academy been treating you?’

‘It’s not official but,’ Anna lowers her voice as if she wants to keep it secret, ‘I’m most likely going to be in the Space Force when I graduate.’

Lou coughs to mask his laughter. Of all the things his sister is skeptical of, the Space Force set up by that orange isn’t one of them. ‘No offence, Anna, but Space Force? Seriously? A woman of your talents?’

‘I should tell them that their efforts are successful,’ says Anna. ‘Hold on.’

Footsteps. A slam of a door. Some scratching noises, and when she turns on her camera, it shows not her face but the screen of her phone. It started as a joke, it writes. They admit to that. But something happened in the scientific field. Something so unbelievable and classified that they sobered up instantly and begged for more funding from the federal government. 

‘America as we know it is ending,’ Lou points out. Sure, they didn’t let the orange continue representing the country, but the harm has been done, the virus comes back every few months and before the previous batch of patients are freed up, and everything is failing - the economy, the already-problematic medical and healthcare system, the old order governing the country for two centuries. It is terrifying but, in Lou’s opinion, a much-needed change for America to go forward. ‘You’re more familiar with them than me, but they might be doing it to preserve the old order. You know, before they lose all the power they currently have.’

Anna takes the phone away. ‘I highly doubt it,’ she says as she continues typing. ‘They’re used to whatever we now have. They already expect some things to change;’ she holds up her phone again; but not in the way shit’s going. ‘You heard about the declassified document on Alec Ryder? The guy who tried to write an advanced AI and developed it into some highly illegal and sci-fi-y shit that he can’t control?’

‘Didn’t read the whole thing. Sounds unbelievable, though, letting an AI control your body. And I thought Elon was stupidly crazy.’

‘Well, for some reason they’re still on high alert about the whole shitshow even though the AI was supposedly destroyed,’ she puts her phone away and switches off the camera. ‘Call it my instincts if you wish. Something big is coming and I’m not sure if I like it.’

Lou takes a deep breath. Anna has always said that America needs to change, but if she thinks that she won’t like it… ‘Let’s don’t speculate anything right now, okay?’ he tries to rationalise. ‘We can’t do much right now, can we?’

‘True.’ A creak. Some muffled conversation. ‘Look, I need to go now. Try not to freeze your ass off at home.’

‘With that nasty generator you built? Don’t think so. Take care.’

‘Same for you.’

The call disconnects. Taking off his headphones with a trembling hand, Lou quits the application and checks again how much longer he needs to wait for the lecture. A few minutes left. Standing up and popping all the joints in his body in preparation, he goes to the kitchen and pours himself a glass of water to clear his head.

If he’s gonna be stuck in this house for days, he at least can use the time for some studying, right?

----

spoiler: anna’s instincts are right.

the potato-peeling video