#but the only conclusion i can come to is that there's something fundamentally unloveable about me

[joys-of-everyday]

Luo Binghe: Envy, hopelessness, and breaking out of spirals

I have recently gotten into incels. No, not in that way. Perhaps with PIDW being “toxic male power fantasy”, this was an inevitable pipeline.

You know, through many hours of video essays and interviews, I have come to the conclusion that taking a good long hard look at incels is a valuable life lesson. While incels are most known for their extreme misogynistic ideology (which tbf, is hard to look past), they really are a good demonstration of the abject misery of loneliness. Scrub away all the obsession with omegaverse and cuckoldry, and the fundamental behaviour of incels is actually… very human. And the fact that it manifests in ways that are cringe and insane really only adds to the tragedy. Forget darkness and monsters – there is an incel in all of us. And like all good things in life, I want to link this back to SVSSS and discuss the most chad of them all… Luo Binghe (Bingmei ofc. Bingge is a beta cuck).

Note: Much of this is based on ContraPoints’ Envy (which is almost nothing to do with incels sorry) and HealthyGamerGG’s interview with an incel (which is also not really about incels, disappointingly).

Envy and Jealousy

Did you know that envy and jealousy are two different things? Envy is wanting what other people have, while jealousy is protectiveness of something you have, or feel entitled to. You might be envious of someone for having effortless skin a la Liu Qingge, or feel jealous of a fellow disciple who is unfairly stealing your milf shizun’s affections. In common usage, envy and jealousy are basically interchangeable, but now you can feel smug knowing the proper definitions.

We all know that Luo Binghe is a jealous man-child… but for intellectual curiosity, we should ask: is Luo Binghe envious, or jealous?

As in, I’ve kind of spoiled my take by putting it in the header, but I should justify (unlike in exams where I simply assert what I want to be true and hope the examiner doesn’t notice). Yes, Luo Binghe is fighting for the affection of his one-true-milf, but note that during the periods where his envy/jealousy is strongest, he doesn’t think he has Shen Qingqiu’s affection, nor does he think he deserves it. In fact, he thinks he is unlovable monster who couldn’t possibly dream of having his daddy’s attention. *sad sigh*

To him, Shen Qingqiu is the embodiment of tender and loving affection, of grace, of wisdom, of morality and all things good etc etc. For the purposes of Luo Binghe’s negative feelings, the man himself might as well be an abstract idea. He sees what other people have – Liu Qingge receiving companionship and trust, the other Qing Jing disciples getting attention, the random stair sweeper getting sweet smiles… and feels anger at the fact that they have what he does not. I think it’s envy people.  

Now caveat, I do think Luo Binghe is definitely also feeling jealousy, particularly after Shen Qingqiu defends him in the Mausoleum. But he grapples with an internal conflict, where despite the fact Shen Qingqiu continuously demonstrates his care for him, he’s also sending what Luo Binghe deems as “mixed messages”, so really, how is Bingbing meant to decide if daddy loves him or hates him? Feelings do be complicated.

Now envy leads to shadenfreude – the pleasure of seeing another’s downfall. The sentiment of “if I can’t have it, then nobody can”, which is a destructive, malevolent force that wants no good for anyone. At Maigu Ridge, Luo Binghe is the embodiment of this. What he wants is Shen Qingqiu’s affection, and um… probably killing all of his friends isn’t going to help him on this endeavour. But he is so far down the envy line that it blinds him. “If I can’t have Shizun’s love, then nobody can.”

2. Protective hopelessness and the destructive cycle

When you decide, for whatever reason, to believe something, several cognitive biases come into play. For example, confirmation bias – where you are more likely to find and interpret evidence which supports your opinion. Belief perseverance – where you continue to believe something, despite evidence contradicting it. Another unhelpful actor is the fact you change the way you behave, which creates situations that affirm your beliefs. Those with a neurodivergence like BPD, or a mental health disorder such as depression may struggle with these much more intensely.

Take the classic incel problem. You struggle to get a girlfriend, you believe yourself ugly and unlovable, which makes you sad, which means you struggle in social situations, which makes it less likely for you to start a relationship, and so the cycle continues. I’ve talked about these destructive spirals with Shen Jiu.

Luo Binghe, Luo Binghe! Wherefore art thou Luo Binghe?

Luo Binghe runs straight into this problem like the strong independent man he is. He believes that (Shen Qingqiu thinks that) he is an evil demon. So he goes full blood feeding vampire mode, and naturally Shen Qingqiu freaks out. So Luo Binghe’s suspicions that Shen Qingqiu thinks he’s an evil demon are affirmed. Everything that happens is warped to fit this worldview: Shen Qingqiu’s silence in the Water Prison (which could mean anything really, such as thinking emotion is cringe) is interpreted as hostility. Shen Qingqiu telling Luo Binghe to leave for his safety, is interpreted as abandonment. Nothing can contradict this view – not even Shen Qingqiu getting all plant-bodied to keep Luo Binghe safe.

All of this is to say, that once you are in a bad place, it is really hard to get out, because at every stage your mind is sabotaging you. But there’s more to it than this. The honey glazed trap of abject hopelessness is… that it feels kind of good.

You know, Luo Binghe at Maigu Ridge comes across as someone who’s given up in a cathartic “throw it all down the drain way”. And yeah, putting yourself out there to feel rejection time and time again… kind of sucks. I really feel this. It really sucks. Sometimes, it is just so much easier to write yourself off as an unlovable freak and move on with your life. The hopelessness shields you from future rejection – what Dr K from HealthyGamerGG describes as protective hopelessness. But the relief here is temporary. Soon the loneliness and isolation kicks in, and you end up screaming at the walls so your neighbours now think you’re insane. Well done.

So you defend your hopelessness to protect yourself, but your hopelessness reinforces your situation. And to top it off, this cesspool of self-loathing and self-flagellation is a perfect breeding place for envy. In fact, envy plays a huge role in directing the spiral downwards. Afterall, bitter and toxic behaviour isn’t conductive to getting you liked.  

Ultimately,  I don’t think Luo Binghe actually hates Liu Qingge, or even Ming Fan, or any one person. I think Luo Binghe resents his situation and projects that onto everyone. “I didn’t get to keep happiness for a single moment of my life, so why should anyone be allowed happiness?” And yeah, he kind of ends up almost ending the world, which is not stella behaviour. But you know, under all that aggression is a child pleading for help.  

3. Breaking Out

You know, it occurs to me that I seem to be equating Luo Binghe to an incel, which I think is an unfair comparison. I feel like incels fundamentally misunderstand how privilege works, while Luo Binghe… eh… he did get chucked off a cliff. Ngl that would scar anyone.

Anyway, whilst clearly SVSSS is the ultimate reflection of reality, I suspect that the love of your life telling you they would totally die for you if you were their unborn child doesn’t happen often irl. How. Disappointing.

But I think something we can take away from Luo Binghe is that breaking the spiral is essential. When Luo Binghe loses control at Maigu Ridge, what he ends up doing is monstrous. It’s ultimate evidence of all of Luo Binghe’s fears and could easily have pushed him further down the spiral to self-destruction. But Shen Qingqiu pulls him out notably not by promising to stay with him or leave his friends (i.e. not by playing to Luo Binghe’s delusional desires), but by affirming that Luo Binghe already has what he wants. His mother loved him. His adopted mother loved him. Shen Qingqiu loves him. It’s removing the substance from Luo Binghe’s envy, and that’s enough to pull him back from insanity.

In reality, breaking the spiral isn’t one action or one conversation. It’s continuously relearning how to think, a process that can take years. And we see this with Luo Binghe. He doesn’t stop being a jealous freak, but he learns ways to deal with it that are much less destructive. In the conversation at Cang Qiong post Maigu Ridge, we see that he doesn’t immediately stop thinking that Shen Qingqiu wants him gone, but in a better headspace, he is able to accept evidence which contrasts this.

And yeah, most people don’t have a milf/dilf/obsessive freak to help us when we have our world-ending breakdowns, but that’s okay. I don’t have a good solution to this. Maybe get life-sized posters of Shen Qingqiu telling you that he would totally die for your if you were his unborn child or smth.

[abyssalscreaming]

.

[bookshelfdreams]

Hi, can't stop thinking about Stede being inescapably himself vs. unapologetically himself and how this interacts with Ed's own insecurities during the treasure hunt. To Ed Stede is fascinating and 100% worthy of love and the only person who from Ed's pov disagrees is Izzy (whose opinion on that matter rightfully doesn't count). Seeing Stede excited about the map and the moth and the prospect of a treasure is enough to spent the afternoon doing something he isn't particularly interested in.

What Ed seems to miss - despite being good at reading the room most of the time - is that Stede is trying to make a good impression and create an experience to share with him specifically; it doesn't occur to him that someone would plan a nice harmless little activity mainly to impress and entertain him.

Now I can't stop thinking about the happiness they would have created for each other had they clearly communicated their intentions and really hope they get a moment in s2 in which they have a conversation along the lines "I made this because I thought you might enjoy it." - "I will enjoy it because you made it."

Wish you a pleasant afternoon!

:)))))))

it doesn't occur to him that someone would plan a nice harmless little activity mainly to impress and entertain him

yes and

It NEVER occurs to Stede that he doesn't need to impress Ed. Literally all Ed wanted to do is take a nap ffs, Stede could have let him cozy up on the couch and read a book to him & they would both have had the time of their lives.

anyway, YES it's a communication issue. Ed is generally really good at communicating his wants and thoughts clearly. He says exactly what he means most of the time. Stede, on the other hand, thinks a single clear statement would kill him. He's so used to communicating things indirectly that he looks for subtext and hidden meaning where there is none.

Like the beginning of ep7, what does Ed actually say? "I can't stay on here forever", which is true. He's got his own ship to captain (presumably, somewhere), he's clearly seeing his time aboard the Revenge as a sort of retreat, a pause fro the daily grind of pirating. It can't go on forever like this. Ed is not saying that he wants to leave immediately, or never see Stede again, or that he's bored out of his skull with Stede.

But that's exactly what Stede hears. He's so used to rejection that he doesn't pause a single second to think or ask for clarification, he just immediately jumps to conclusions - namely, that Ed is a hair's breadth away from disappearing forever, unless he gets some enrichment NOW.

They could!! Have just talked about this! Stede could have just asked "What do you mean?" But that would have meant running the risk of hearing Ed say, out loud, "It's time for us to go our separate ways". He can't. Indirect communication has the "advantage" that you can just ignore the things you don't want to acknowledge; if it's never said it doesn't exist.

Stede thinks rejection is inevitable. He's unable to trust in Ed's friendship; he can't believe anyone could stand his presence for prolonged periods of time, much less enjoy his company. Any day now, Ed is gonna realize how fundamentally unloveable Stede is. Any day he's gonna come to his senses and then he'll leave Stede behind for "the next adventure"; something more exciting, more fun than him (and then Calico Jack happens, this is a fun, lighthearted little romcom 🙃)

None of this is true, of course. It's just Stede constantly running worst-case-scenarios in the back of his head.

Meanwhile Ed? Constantly shows Stede he appreciates him and enjoys his company. Ed signals, over and over, "Hey, I really like you!"

He's miserable on the treasure hunt. He hates bugs and nature and is deadly embarrassed to be seen on this outing. He's still going along with it for Stede's sake. He wouldn't do that for anyone else.

And if they had just taken one minute to talk about this - well, nothing would have changed, because Stede is incapable of talking about his emotions, or articulating his deep feelings of inadequacy. But one can dream.

Yeah anyway, this really is the heart of their conflict. Stede could never admit to his insecurities; Ed isn't aware they could possibly exist, because to him, Stede has nothing to be insecure about and he completely falls for Stede's charade of confidence. It's so well done and I'm gonna go eat a wine bottle about it :)

[ober-affen-geil]

Let’s talk about teen Malex. Again. Or more, whatever. Because the scene in the truck is a thing that happened and it is once again screech o’clock. 

*spoilers for season 2 episode 5, and CW for discussion of child abuse, homophobia, and trauma response.*

Quick disclaimer too, this is almost entirely considering Alex’s viewpoint, specifically his viewpoint as a 17 year old. We all know the full context of Michael’s actions that summer and I will be referencing them of course, but this is mostly about Alex and what he was seeing and how he was interpreting it with the information he had.

There were several very, very interesting things that Alex said that does a lot to inform the audience of what his and Michael’s relationship was like and what it was built on. (Hint, it’s mostly miscommunication due to lack of information and assumptions stemming from respective traumas. Shocker.) But the crux of it comes down to the fact that Alex doesn’t think Michael is choosing him. He think’s he’s using him, and that’s the main reason they break down like they do.

Briefly, I want to point to Alex’s own history. Because Alex was raised in an abusive household, and in his case the abuse was centered around something specific. Alex was punished by the only parent he had present for an integral part of himself that he could do nothing to change; for Alex, love is conditional. That is an important thing to keep in mind.

Now let’s look at two specific things he said to Michael which say A LOT about how he’s thinking about and approaching their relationship. The first is “are you in love with Max”. (Which I am completely guilty of cackling like a loon at.)

The significance of that question NOW, at this moment, is undeniable. He’s put thought into it, clearly, he’s noticed Michael’s behavior and attitude towards Max change and that’s not a new development at this point. But to put that question to Michael here, so causally (You can tell me, ok?), makes it very obvious that Alex has put no value in himself in this relationship. He does not see himself as someone Michael actually desires, he sees himself as a substitute for a person Michael cannot have. Why would Michael want him.

They are literally in the middle of a makeout session and Alex thinks this is a legitimate question that actually has merit. And again, that is not a reflection of what Alex thinks of Michael. That’s a result of Alex’s own abuse and his belief that he is fundamentally unlovable as he is. (I talk about the effects of this in Alex’s adult life in this meta, which I wrote long enough ago that I am delighted it’s held up as well as it has.)

That mindset partially informs his other belief, which is summed up with “I can’t be your medicine.”

Alex is seeing Michael’s actions as using him, in a lot of different ways. The worst part is he’s right, though not in the ways he thinks. Michael is using Alex for support right now because everything that was a certainty has become an impossibility and he needs something solid to hold onto. Alex doesn’t know about most of what Michael has just been through, so all he’s seeing is a very sudden escalation of incredibly unnecessary self-destructive behavior. (I want to be with you, but not if you’re wasting your life.)

Michael isn’t getting his hand taken care of properly because he can’t go to the hospital, but all Alex sees is someone refusing to get help. Michael isn’t going to UNM anymore because he feels obligated to be close to Isobel in case she has another blackout, but all Alex sees is someone dropping out when he had a full ride scholarship. Michael is picking fights because he has no other outlet for his anger at how his life has been upended, but all Alex sees is someone who is becoming increasingly unstable in a violent way.

It’s clear from the way Alex talks about him that before this, Michael was not known for volatility. Or at least, not in ways that included breaking the law. Without context, Alex is seeing a lot of red flags.  And keep in mind, they don’t know each other that well. In Alex’s own words. It doesn’t help that all Michael has to offer in explanation is stonewalling and deflection.

Look. “Because for a second, I forgot about everything else except you” is a helluva line. I fully admit to my brain shorting out slightly but guys. It’s a line. It’s smooth as fuck and super cheesy and WE know Michael does mean the sentiment behind it, but it’s designed to deflect and it is not subtle in that regard. 

If this was a movie in the 1950s and it was a greaser sitting on the bench seat of his car with the new-girl cheerleader at sunset at Lover’s Point and he said that to her I would be yelling “run, bitch” at the screen.

All of this is stemming from the fact that Michael cannot give Alex the real reasons for his behavior. And that is not, in any way, his fault. But it means that Alex is left to draw his own conclusions and given what he knew at the time, he absolutely made the right call.

[fluorescenthell]

Friends With Maggots Eating The Landscapes Of A Heart

spoilers: it’s a vent lol 

so this the second draft of this post since i found it’s important to vomit these thoughts out of my system or they will sizzle in the bottom for a very long time.

it’s kind of difficult to wrap my head around it, emotions are untrustworthy slippery little fuckers.

The Tale:

lately i have been feeling sad while watching the videos of youtubers having fun with their friends, as if these simple videos were a reminder.

the sorrow stirred when i saw: the fun, the genuine happiness and laughter, the fun you have when you’re around people you like, being with friends you click with, the comfort, the silly conversations.

this sadness stirred before in real life, when I'm around friend groups that get along together, I'm torn between happy that their friendships are special and pained to never have something as beautiful as that. or even close to it.

these videos were a reminder of insecurities about myself: not fun to be around, boring, have nothing to offer, weird, lack of confidence, odd humor, unstable identity, don’t understand people, something fundamentally wrong about me, just an extra, unlovable...etc. 

it’s brought to light the idea that:” i can’t have friends and have fun because i am me.” and not gonna lie that’s hurt bad, but it’s also funny because it’s me hurting me, right? 

of course they are not to blame, “influencers” are still people and they go through all kinds of feelings, who know maybe some of them feel exactly the way i do about their friends.

my emotions and how i deal with them are my responsibility alone. what i meant is that i long to be apart of the familiar scene of a community and the feeling of being included and accepted. which i believe is only natural for humans.

The Tale Continues:

also it kept reminding me that i don’t understand people, i am wrapped in plastic wrap, through the plastic, i see others interacting, laughing, and i don’t get it at all. i am close by but not near enough to understand.

everything seems fake, i see people a cardboard cutouts, can you befriend a cardboard cutout with no depth? because you can’t see dimensions?

i mask a lot, i force laughter, i act enthusiastic when i am not. i can feel how i manipulate my face every muscle to look “normal and welcoming”, of course it’s never work. masking is meant for surviving not building friendships.

The Twist Everyone Saw Coming:

even though friendships are appealing to me, and i would like to have good friends, it’s terrify me, i am paranoid about who really they are, are they faking, are they trying to use, are they plotting against me, do they think of me as a friend, do they even like me? getting close to people scares me.

and even though i hold some scarce happy moments dear with someone i could call “friend” in these moments too i feel like an alien they share some simple joys with. i feel unfamiliar, awkward around the casual genuine friendliness.

i don’t know what is okay and what is not, when i am talking i spit bombs, any moment now they’re gonna hate me because of something i said.

Conclusion: There’s None

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE END

heh at least i have my “imaginary" friends 

[wanna-b-poet31]

Hastur’s Brutal Honesty (A  Good Omens Meta?)

So Like, This is me just drafting my bigger idea that Hastur as the perfect literary mirror to Aziraphale...but the closer I look at him, the more...honest??? he seems.  Which, considering how Crowley chooses to lie, leads me to an interesting conclusion about the role of dis/honesty in the series. Namely, how his words (when compared to Aziraphale, Crowley, Heaven and Hell) intersects with loyalty, cruelty, and kindness. 

>Plan on hearing more about Hastur and Aziraphale in the future...but in the meantime, some observations<

First, as I discuss in Part 3 of my Lying/Honesty series: I identify instances where Angel’s lie (with Aziraphale being a good example of a poor liar) but also I made a passing comment that there is an inexplicable honest streak among the demons. 

It got me thinking about WHY? Especially because their honesty doesn’t make them any less cruel or abusive. So I go to thinking...(a dangerous pastime, I know)  

Yes, the demons are more aware of other’s ability to deceive them, like Beelzebub’s jab at Michael that “it’s not that we don’t trust you, but we don’t trust you” and further, TESTING the water before subjecting “Crowley” to it. But...do we see them honestly, lie? And, is that indicative of something bigger?

I will note, they clearly say they don’t trust each other:

>GIF of Ligur asking Hastur if he trusts Crowley. Hastur replies “no”<  But do their actions match their words? I would argue not.

Case in point: Hastur.

I find Hastur’s behavior particularly interesting because I’ve recently re-watched the series and noticed, the closest he gets to a lie is when he knocks on Crowley’s door and Ligur say’s they just want to talk to him. However, this feels more like a threat, with ironic intent, rather than a flat lie. 

He is also particularly gullible, similar to the naiveite we see Aziraphale exhibit. Yes, he’s clearly more malicious than Aziraphae (as we see him burn down the church, threaten Crowley, and kill another demon without remorse) but we also see him willingly ask questions, and easily believe Crowley’s deceptions.

For example, we see him openly and honestly communicate with Ligur while they’re sulking, waiting for Crowley to show up. Sure, he’s wrong about what “Caio” means, but is it a lie? It seems more like his arrogance of Italian, transliterating it to an English word than an actual lie.  

Even when he’s greeting Warlock’s family, we don’t see him lie. He’s simply too preoccupied with the coming of his master to care about what anyone else thinks. I’m also hesitant to classify “threats” with “lies” because while they may not come to fruition, he certainly intends for them to be true. The closest lie I can think about is when he’s disguised himself to capture Crowley. He doesn’t even lie when he’s reading out Crowley’s crimes to the audience.

Instead, we actually see that he’s actually surprised by Crowley’s lies. As much as he claims not to trust other Demons, when he’s actively pursuing Crowley and Ligur is killed, for a split second, Hastur looks like he believes Crowley’s lie that “the Dark Council” is testing him.

This scene seems to highlight the fundamental difference between Crowley and Hastur: honesty vs. cruelty.

Hastur is unspeakably cruel, where Crowley is kind and Hastur is oddly honest where Crowley freely lies. They are foils for sure (stay tuned for that meta sometime soon) and I think this nuance matters. 

Like, in this scene Hastur also genuinely believes, however briefly, that Crowley is calling the Dark Council. This is AFTER Crowley lied about the anti-christ, lied (by omission) that he befriended an Angel, just wrote Ligur (Hastur’s bestie) out of reality, and lied about putting holy water into the water mister. 

By all accounts, there is no reason Hastur should trust Crowley at this moment, but he still does. The above Gif doesn’t do justice to the tone of voice that Hastur gives when he asks if Crowley is calling the dark council. It’s almost downright hopeful. It doesn’t occur to him until Crowley says “so long sucka” that Crowley’s lied to him. 

Sure, Crowley is the most convincing liar in the series, and his performance is top-notch, but at this point, Hastur still demonstrates trust. I think both because it doesn’t dawn on him that he’d be the recipient of an unkind lie AND because Crowley still hasn’t shown the unbriddled cruelty Hastur himself would demonstrate. Crowley’s only acted out of self-defense. It’s not until Hastur has time to fully process the loss of Ligur (in answering-machine land) he realizes Crowley’s no longer on his side. 

In reality, Crowley never was. Crowley has ever only been loyal to Aziraphale, and Hastur has only been loyal to Hell.

And I think the motivating reason is the brutal cruelty Hastur, and other demons, display. Ligur and Hastur both waste no time shoving a poor Eric into the Hellhound’s pit and kill 2 more Eric’s at the “traditional” end of the world cite. They do these acts of cruelty without a second thought.  Hastur laughs with glee as nuns are screaming for their lives and the satanic church is burned.

It truly mirrors the way Heaven/God is fine killing everyone except for Noah and his family. There is no remorse.

The only time we see the sliver of cruelty in Crowley is in the above scene. When Ligur is destroyed, Anthony “you can’t kill the kids” Crowley is directly responsible. But, this is self-defense and Ligur is clearly a vehicle for abuse. And, it is clearly framed differently from how Hastur’s several acts of cruelty are. 

For the show he puts on, Crowley is not cruel, not even to his enemies. Crowley does not relish killing, opting to give Nazis a choice to leave while still not condoning their behavior. Unlike Hastur who is downright gleeful that the nuns who have helped him are running for his life, Crowley adds no emphasis to killing. He is not nice, but he is not unkind nor does things out of purely malicious intent.  

Meanwhile, Hastur goes above and beyond to be cruel. When he kills the demon at trial (his 4th!! demon murder!!) he still is not lying but he’s certainly not being kind. This tells me that honesty is not intrinsically “kind” nor is it intrinsically “bad” in the series. Rather, it is but one weapon in the arsenal choice.

If I bring my train of thought to the ineffable husbands, it gives so much more meaning to Crowley’s active choice NOT to lie to Aziraphale. I’ve said it before, that this show is dependent on choice. He chooses the kinder of the two options. Crowley could lie, he has the imagination for it, and he wields it against their adversaries (Hell) well. However, he doesn’t. he only ever points out what Aziraphale is unable or sometimes unwilling to acknowledge as truth. 

Hastur. meanwhile, he chooses to be cruel beyond belief and chooses to be honest. He does not make the same grand show to lie to his enemies. For him, the truth behind his threats and his impulse to act in the moment are greater tools for harm. 

Aziraphale, thinks he’s choosing the kinder option to lie to Crowley at the Bandstand. He certainly is saying “true” words, but neither believe it at this point, and both are harmed by it. We also know he thinks lying can be unkind, but he uses it primarily as a defensive tool, not an offensive one. It is not until he realizes how much abuse he’s internalized that he realizes who deserves his kind honesty: Crowley. 

This also brings greater emphasis to the way honesty and dishonesty can be manipulated. Crowley and Aziraphale lie self-defense. Neither relish lying, but will because the kind of honesty they are being fed by their respective sides is cruel, and nothing like the unspoken, unnamed truth between the two of them. 

Hell is unkind, unloving, and unspeakably cruel. Heaven is cold, unfeeling, and cruel. Crowley is the victim of clear and specific abuse at the hands of hell and does not need to feel sorry for lying to his abuser.  Aziraphale has been belittled and gaslighted by Heaven and both lie for protection. 

However, Hastur is honest only as a means to be cruel. When Crowley chooses, to be honest, it is explicitly to be kind and to be loving. 

So I bring myself back to my initial observation. Why do Demons have an honest streak? I think it is because for them (and for Heaven) lying and honesty is neither good nor bad. Instead, they add “weight to the moral argument” they’re making. They are much more concerned with outcome (which is always an offensive mechanism) than the means. It just so happens Demons bully and intimidate for what they want without especially needing to lie.

TLDR: Yes, Hastur chooses to be honest, but the outcome is still cruelty. Yes, Crowley chooses to lie, but the outcome is protection. Lying is not intrinsically bad, honesty is not intrinsically good. Demons cant still be super abusive even if they don’t lie about it.

Thanks for coming to my tedtalk

[ser-yolomere-of-swagalore]

Welcome, O life! I go to encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience and to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race myself, bitch.

James Joyce -- Ulysses (with some much needed editing)

I haven’t written here in a long time. In fact, after this post, I don’t really see myself writing here every again-- and no, before any of you (if there is, in fact, any one who will see this) jump to conclusions, this isn’t some kind of weird suicide note, or plea for help. What this is, is a sort of manifesto, or a summation, of everything that I’ve felt, and am feeling at the moment, and in a way, hopefully, purging myself of these feelings forever. It’s a goodbye, but also a new opportunity. A creation, as well as a destruction. A final litany of things that I have to say, or wanted to say, and a final exorcism of numerous antagonistic little ghosts that have been rattling around in my head for God knows how long. 

I’ve always been struck by the concept of a sort of Joycean paralysis. Maybe because it’s true-- that Irish people are, in a weird way, struck with a sort of deep, abiding, spiritual malaise, a psychological and emotional paralysis, as a sort of weird, post-colonial hangover-- or maybe because it simply hits too close to home. The narrative of a sort of genealogical, archaeological torpor is one that is all too easy to believe, because it is something that I have experienced quiet viscerally throughout my entire life, but also in a way that is difficult to articulate. The sense that you’re fundamentally at odds with the world around you because of some fundamental, spiritual displacement resulting from years (centuries?) of imperialistic and religious abuse isn’t something that goes well over dinner, after all-- especially when dinner is a hurriedly bought Burger King and the sound of mopeds careening up and down the Cardiffsbridge Road muffles the sound of Coronation Street on the television. 

But it’s a feeling that has stuck with me so long. Longer than I can really remember. This sense of being held back. By myself, by the world around me, by the people around me. Dreams of leaving, of emigrating, have been a consistent fantasy of mine. Occasional spurts of creative writing have always been characterized by the theme of a departure, whether through the realm of some childish Tolkien-esque fantasy or through a plane ticket that randomly fell into the protagonist’s (read: my) lap. That feeling of momentary, ontological vertigo, when the plane leaves the ground and you can feel yourself lifted in that miniature pocket of zero-gravity, is a sensation that I’ve craved and chased (either literally, or figuratively) whenever possible, with varying degrees of success. I even had, at one point, a bit of a miniature breakdown (you know those ones, where they creep up on you, where you have this vague sense that at any minute things are just going to collapse all around you, and nothing will ever be the same) and I started doing some pretty illegal things to get money (fill in the blanks there however you wish) in order to essentially run away, get a plane ticket to somewhere, and just start afresh. But that did crash down, either way-- I started having some viscerally severe panic attacks; I felt like I was going to be trapped here, forever, that I was going to die here, that all the dreams and aspirations I had of doing something worth while were just gonna be swallowed up the dull, plot-less relentlessness with which life here seemed to drive itself--arguably into the ground. I attended counselling, got a professional, objective perspective, and was able to get to grips with things. The anxiety stopped. The borderline insane drive to escape was lulled, and while the gnawing sense of there being a sort of hole, at the center of everything, dissipated, it didn’t quite disappear. I was, once again, able to manage, and plod right along. 

Over time, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my sense of malaise is not, in fact, the result of some kind of literarily prescribed sense of paralysis-- or, at least, not entirely. It is the result of years, perhaps arguably even decades, of mistreatment. By a family and a home that is so deeply dysfunctional that it is, legitimately, tragic. By an early upbringing so neglected and isolated that, to look back and take an earnest look, is genuinely pathetic. By a mindset and by people who see who I am and see something to laugh at. I’ve slowly come to terms with the fact that my family have never quite seen me seriously, as someone incompetent, flowery, soft, and not worth paying attention to. Years, again, potentially decades of subtle gaslighting, invalidation, negation, criticism, patronizing, condescension-- all compounded by shitty, so-called friends, who were all too happy to take advantage of my desire to please and turn it around on me-- had resulted in a person who had so much self-doubt, such a negative self-image, such a horrible sense of failure that, to further disappoint, would result in self-harm. Decades of having my life dictated to me, taking up responsibility and accepting the burden of my family’s terrible choices, of having my potential and my opportunities circumscribes by what seems to be the endlessly unfolding soap opera of my extended family’s self-inflicted pain.  And the worst part is that I simply thought all of this was normal. The concept of Joycean paralysis was able to help me understand, in a vague sense, what was really wrong, but only hindered me in truly understanding its origin.

I worry that if I go on like this I’ll only end up sounding like some kind of serially self-pitying asshole, one of those people that advertises their personal trauma and tragedy as a means to win the Sadsack Olympics, or obtain sympathy, or blame their lack of success and fulfillment on their past. But in the end, that isn’t what this is about. That isn’t the reason why I’m writing this post. In fact, the reason why I am writing this is far more joyous, written with a deep smile spreading across my face. I’ve spent my entire life orientating around myself around other people, of pleasing other people, and I’ve gotten very, very good at figuring out what is that people want, and giving it to them. What I’ve learned, an what I’ve finally gotten the balls to do, is do what I want. I’ve learned to say no. I’ve learned to pursue what I want, to accrue self-confidence, self-love, self-esteem. I’ve learned to deny people, to put myself first, and tell people who need to be told what for. I’ve learned that to be “good” is to give in, to do as I’ve told and take it all on the chin, and I’ve learned that to be “bad” is to pursue what I want, and to rebel. And, fundamentally, I’ve learned that when I am good, I am very, very good, but when I am bad I am FUCKING FIERCE. 

So I am leaving. In fact, I’ve been planning on leaving for quite some time now. Since March, roughly. I am moving to the U.K, getting away from this place, to spend time with people who I have chosen to spend my time with, that I have build up relationships purely of my own choosing and initiative, and whom I trust. To build a life that I choose to build, for myself, and shirking off as much of the trauma, pain, insecurities and self-doubt as I can. Psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan believed that the core motivating force in all human behavior was anxiety, and not just anxiety, but the creative and ornate ways we go about avoiding or managing it. According to him, a personality was simply a collection of habits and strategies people gathered over time to “avoid or minimize anxiety, ward off disapproval, and maintain self-esteem.” What I’ve learned, personally, is the sheer liberating power of identifying and deconstructing the aspects of my own psychology that are life-limiting, and taking great joy in completely and utterly destroying the ones that are build up anxious defense mechanisms. I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t scary, because when these mechanisms fall I’ll be thrust, head first, into facing the things I am most deeply afraid of—social rejection and abandonment, unworthiness and failure, unlovability and isolation, to name a few. But it is liberating because I’ve come to realize that, yes, our defenses serve a function, but no, we don’t actually need all of them to survive-- and then, suddenly, an entirely new life is possible. I’ve come to realize that I actually CAN tolerate anxiety; I CAN live with not being liked, I CAN be misunderstood, I CAN make mistakes, I CAN feel bad. And let me tell you, it is a relief. God is sometimes understood as a creator, but he can also be understood as a destroy-- And I am choosing to be the God of my own goddamn life, and taking great pleasure in destroying that which I don’t like.

I’ve ended up prescribing some great, symbolic significance to the act of me leaving. It is me righteously striking back at all the things that had made me hate myself in the past, because they couldn’t simply tolerate hating themselves and needed to destroy me in order to feel better. And so, to them, I say: 

Fuck my family, who have done nothing to actually foster and cultivate who I am as a human being

Fuck the people who have turned my own kindness against me and made me doubt myself

Fuck the people who have made me feel as though my command of words is a weakness-- I am a fucking fantastic writer, and I dare any of those people to challenge me, because I’ll write them into the fucking ground. 

Fuck the people who made me doubt my intelligence; I am more than smart enough to figure things out for myself and smart enough, at least now, to see them for the self-hating, jealous troglodytes they are.

Fuck this place that has made me feel that who I am is wrong, and lesser, and subordinate-- I am worthy, and powerful, and capable.

Fuck this country, and its backwards, stagnant, repressive culture

FUCK

YOU

And that’s it. There’s my gigantic, theatrical display of radical self-acceptance. In a way, what I want to do is leave, and never come back. To delete all my social media, and start afresh. But I know that’s not realistic. I know I have to tether myself to “home”, as much as I disagree with the idea this place is truly home. I will say this, however-- there are parts of my experience here, and my life thus far, that have been wonderful. I’ve got a handful of genuinely fantastic friends, and I’ve forged some very important memories with them. To burn those bridges would be unforgivable, and I would never be able to do that to them. 

It’s 2:16am. I was already exhausted but I had to write this and get it all off my chest. But this is it-- me signing off, forever. Let this be a testament to everything I want to be, an will be, from here on out. 

-Ian.

[exoscopy]

reasons prince kiriona gaia is Like That (pick any or all you prefer) :

1) the specific misery of being raised as an unloved, kicked dog, never having anyone to tell you you were worth more than dirt (only realising at the age of 19 that the reason people looked at you like that all your life was because they were terrified that you didn't die), then all your fantasies of being someone important and special being fulfilled but none of it filling the void within you;

2) having the person who you died for - who gave your life meaning in the hellhole where you grew up together, even if it was just through opposition, having someone who hated you meant that they thought you were worthy of hating - seemingly regard your sacrifice as so repugnant that they lobotomized themself and then died to keep from accepting it, and then you meet someone walking around in their flesh and people seem to care so much about this body thief, it's okay to be the saddest person in the world;

3) when critical, unlovable!! mercy said, she was a monster and then you made her worse, she isn't being hyperbolic but there is something fundamentally fucked about the process of resurrection and binding a dead soul to a body, something that makes you come back wrong;

3.1) mercy was being hyperbolic but only a little, spending time around john 'manipulate manwhore mansplain' gaius really turns you into someone who is constantly wearing spiky emotional armour that still doesn't defend you from his bullshit;

3.2) being alone with John AND ianthe and no one else to break up the monotony of the mithraeum, not even your lyctoral colleagues (supercilious/shrill/sullen, choose your fighter) ? I can only imagine the verbal parrying one has to manage on a daily basis to so much as brush your teeth without incurring a Remark

4) "whither the fries, the soda, and the tie-in toy?" t. muir, 2022. Harrow, give her back her fucking cheeseburger, or whatever part of her happy meal you've kept close to your bony little chest

in conclusion, i think I want to feed her so many salads. deadlift me like my name rhymes with narrownark, o prince

[ganymedesclock]

ok so i just saw a post that was like "keith never defends himself". like all the times lance insults him he never bristles up enough for it to turn into a fight, and when Allura is pissed about the "half galra" thing he just... accepts it. I don't think there's anywhere in canon where he actually gets upset for himself? like even when BoM!shiro called him selfish he seemed more apologetic than anything. i really want to hear your input on this, bc your character analysis is incredible,

So this is... picking at two actually unrelated threads.

The first thread: You’re right in that Keith clearly invests less in the rivalry than Lance does. This has nothing to do with Keith sticking up for himself, and it has a lot more to do with after the third episode, they are pretty much ambivalent to each other. Their “arguments”, both ways, become kind of lighthearted and ridiculous, not things to get offended about. Because in the first episode? We do see them nearly come to blows. Because at that point Lance is bitter and he’s taking shots at Keith that really hurt. Later on in the show that hurt isn’t there so neither is the vehemence of the response.

But in general, Keith isn’t passive towards Lance. The Paper Airplane comment in s1e9, s2e5′s “very far away.” We even see Keith instigate several times: s1e6 “Hey Lance, I got your Lion back,” and then claiming his radio isn’t working, s3e3′s “I’m glad we’re all making fun of Lance.”

Keith gives just as good as he gets. The thing is, again outside of the first two episodes it turns much more to playful rivalry. And even in those first few episodes, with the fall exercise in s1e2 both Keith and Lance pile into the ground because they both were escalating it. Also, arguably the first dispensed sass between the two of them was Keith to Lance. “We could toss off some non-essential weight.”

Keith is totally sassy! It takes him a little to open up to people enough to be willing to do that, but in s2e9 he cracks a joke at Hunk that Hunk points out. The thing is, he doesn’t care too much about the rivalry because he’s not particularly mad at Lance most of the time, and he never was. This was highlighted in the first scene with them together- you have Lance, hackles up, addressing his Rival, while Keith is sort of trying to recall who this person is and why Lance is so mad at him. Especially early on, you can see several times Keith just looks confusedly towards Lance, sees an irritated expression, and gets mad himself. So they bounce off each other as kind of a:

Keith “what the heck is your problem?”Lance “what the heck is YOUR problem?”

where both of them kinda feel like the other person started it. And as they get to know each other better, they learn what to, and what not to, take personally, and pretty much none of it is actually personal because they don’t hate each other.

You can see this pretty clearly at work in s3e3, for example- Lance gripes at Keith when he feels like Keith isn’t listening to him, but when Keith, super distraught, pretty much actively crawls back to Lance talking about how Lance was totally right and he got everyone in trouble- Lance clearly doesn’t exploit that, or even consider doing so- he sets his own ego aside, doesn’t mince words (”yeah, you kind of did”) but focuses on, in effect, reassurance- the issue is fixable, they can make this work and take responsibility and Lance is there to help him. And the only reason Lance was so angry in the first place was that he felt like Keith was putting the whole team in danger, which, he had a point.

Keith opens up these vulnerabilities to Lance because he can trust Lance with them. And Lance returns the favor- consider s3e6 and the “leave the math to Pidge” conversation. Again, Keith doesn’t mince words, but emphasizes proactive motion- that it’s okay, Lance can stay with Red, they’ll figure something out that doesn’t call for inordinate sacrifice from anyone. 

They’re “rivals” but they’re rivals who trust each other enough to actually genuinely let their guard down and say “here’s what I’m worried and scared about” and trust the other person isn’t going to mount it on their wall like a trophy because getting one up on each other was never a high priority and it’s certainly not higher than the other person’s wellbeing as a friend.

Keith doesn’t defend himself from Lance because Lance isn’t attacking. They have their back and forth but it’s harmless and they both react to it like it’s harmless. It might seem like Lance has a ‘bigger’ response because Lance generally is much more surface about his emotions than Keith is.

The second thread here: as you say, Keith specifically doesn’t defend himself against Allura’s rejection, and hologram Shiro’s rejection. I phrased that in a specific way because here’s the unifying thread there.

Keith is, to a traumatic degree, terrified of feeling abandoned by people. He laid this out very explicitly in his vlog: a large amount of his psychology was shaped by that first perceived abandonment- feeling like he was rejected by his mother. Later traumas- the loss of his father, likely rejections by other people in the foster system (official bio states he lost his parents at a young age, but doesn’t have any adopted family we know of which would suggest he shuffled around multiple places before leaving the system on his eighteenth birthday)- just sort of added fuel to that fire.

The reason why Keith folds up into a little ball and turns uncharacteristically passive in the face of perceived rejection from people he cares about (especially Shiro who is still a very high value friend to him) is that he is functionally, and quite literally, being triggered. His history and trauma tell him this is all his fault, that there’s a fundamental flaw in who he is, he’s a bad person and unlovable and everyone hates him.

Which isn’t true, not at all- but frankly? The way Keith engages with the whole galra revelation and Allura’s response, the way Keith sees this, it plays directly into his cognitive biases. His attempt at connecting with Acxa in the Weblum boils down to he’s trying to convince himself that maybe there’s a scrap of good to the galra that’s not just limited to the few rebels who’ve rejected their nature.

Keith is looking at his own heritage through a flawed eye here- so he doesn’t defend himself against Allura’s feelings, that she herself admits aren’t reasonable, that she still cares about Keith, that she’s hurt because she feels like he hid this from her and her own prior trauma is lending a huge amount of heat to it.

Because to Keith? Wholesale rejecting him for being a galra is perfectly reasonable. He’s got enough internalized issues he can’t really relate to the Blade because he’s a lot more scared he’s the other kind of galra they’ve encountered. The part of his brain that says “nobody likes you because something’s fundamentally wrong with you, all of these other people get along just fine,” just found something that seems to support that conclusion. “You’re related to the murderous space conquerors” is a hell of a lot louder in his mind than “the galra as a people are more complicated, we just met a bunch of rebels attacking them, even that mysterious person that robbed you saved your life and was not very Victory Or Death about it.”

The trial of Marmora was even more direct- it’s not showing us a real situation, it’s showing us Keith’s nightmare. That Shiro, too, will reject him, over some kind of perceived inherent nature (“You’re just being selfish like always”? not anything remotely approaching Shiro’s actual feelings or the reality of the situation) and leave, and Keith will end up alone and it’ll be his fault.

This is his worst fear, paired with ‘greatest hope’- that hurt, scared, and exhausted, he wants to see his only long-term friend pre-Voltron come tell him things are going to be okay.

Which, incidentally, it’s the hope, not the fear, that we see the real Shiro living up to. While it’s cut off by the awakening of the blade and Keith clearing the trial, Shiro would sooner fight his way past a huge organization like the Blade, alone, towing an injured Keith, than force Keith to give up the weapon to appease him. His decision, in that instant is, “I’m taking Keith, he’s taking his knife, and we’re leaving.”

But look at that picture- look at how Keith isn’t looking at Shiro. There’s a cognitive disconnect for Keith about how much other people mean to him.

In s1e4, we do see Keith trying to fight a perceived rejection- he’s the one who digs his heels in and yells at Pidge for trying to leave.

He aggressively avoids, in his logic, any implication of “please don’t do this, I care about you, I don’t want to lose you.” He tries to put everything in the most objective language he can put it in, but it’s pretty clear with how incredibly upset he is, this is not just about defending the universe.

Keith is both terrified of losing people and has an internalized attitude that he’s not good enough to make others want to stay around him. And this is something he’s processing, slowly, but out of the characters, this specter of perceived unworthiness is Keith’s demon- it’s what’s keeping him from the truth of who and what he is that is arguably his birthright as the Red Paladin, whose virtues are instinct, passion, and personal clarity.

In part, Keith has been deprived accurate mirrors to know himself- s1e10′s purple hand incident and the appearances of other half-galra we’ve seen tell us that Keith has seemingly been denied his own real appearance, as well as any contact with the galra half of his heritage. He has powers he doesn’t understand or even really realize they’re there, because no one has been around to recognize these qualities in him. He has had supports- Shiro and the other paladins- but all of them are, until outside intervention, just as stumped as he is.

But another part is- Keith is hiding from these revelations because he’s terrified of the idea of becoming- or having been all along- something unacceptable to other people. Something fated to be alone. Because again, deprived of people he can relate to and the context that makes everything about him make perfect sense? He’s mis-diagnosed himself hard as an inherently unlovable person and while that’s something he can fight in many situations, certain issues and scenarios seem to feed that fire and when it does, Keith tends to just give up.

So yeah- Keith doesn’t tend to defend himself when he feels like someone is rejecting him, and it’s a particular flavor of learned helplessness and cognitive biases.

[firstumcschenectady]

“The Will of God” based on 1 Samuel 8:4-20 and Mark 3:31-35

https://workcollaboratively.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/wc_needs-feelings-inventory.pdf

In the gospel today, Jesus said that anyone who does the will of God is his mother, brother, or sister.  He defines his family by those who do God's will.  Jesus also taught us that our God is a God of love, which is the starting point for knowing God's will.  Jesus reminded us of the great commandments. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  

I've had some very helpful nudgings from this congregation recently.  Many of them have been in your consistent reminders to take care of myself since my knee injury, and collectively you've seemed to know that I would need a lot of those reminders.  Being patient with my body isn't easy for me.

There were two more nudgings as well.  One of you asked if I could say more to  acknowledge the pain people have and struggle with.  That certainly felt important.   Then came another call, asking me if I could preach about self-love.  

I've concluded that the Spirit herself has been at work in all of this. Self-love is a very exciting topic to speak about!  I've spent most of my continued education time during my years as your pastor working on this for myself, and I think I've learned a few things that might be of use.  Yet, this is also a nerve wracking topic to talk about, both because it requires great vulnerability and because it is a tender topic with which I might accidentally do harm.

Nevertheless, it is time to talk about loving ourselves.  When we say “Love your neighbor as yourself,” we tend to ignore the implicit assumption that we love ourselves contained in the rule.  To prepare for this sermon I asked on Facebook and through some emails for people to offer definitions of love.  I told them it was for preaching, I did not share that I was going to preach about loving ourselves!  

The answers were, of course, amazing.  A lot of the responses reflected careful consideration followed by a conclusion that defining love is very difficult  and perhaps impossible.  I got wished “good luck” rather a lot!  Some tried to find the words anyway, and I think you'll find them useful for reflection.  In order not to distract you, I'm going to offer some of your definitions words without attributing them.  

Love is more of an action than anything else. For example, I find making the bed in the morning a complete waste of time, my husband loves to come home to a made bed, when I make the bed, I do it for him because I know it will make him happy, that's love.

The glue of the Trinity, spilling over into creation.

I feel that love is a choice. It stems from a feeling, but it is a solid, daily choice.

the movement of goodness itself...

Spirit is Love and Love is Spirit

Companionship;  Communication;   Accepting each others thoughts and feelings; Reaching a hand in church; In the middle of the night reaching out to touch

love cannot be defined because a definition automatically puts boundaries and love is not bounded

One can give examples of the affects of love on both the lover and the object of that love (animate or inanimate) and the effects of love-Love casts out fear

Finally, one among you shared a set of profound thoughts, which I cannot summarize or shorten without weakening it:

Love can mean many things  depending on the context. I think you mean love as it involves people or spirit rather than things like ice cream or sports. With regard to people, love is a state of unlimited commitment where two people or even in some cases like a pet dog become so in sync with one's feelings that the object of love is an extension of the person and foibles are overlooked or forgiven.

Then there is spiritual love =the love of God or Jesus which is our rock of support -it is often recognized in retrospect like in the expression `If not for the love of God  I would have suffered'. When one recovers from a traumatic experience or accident  one is grateful for the love of the Divine. I know that  scientists and engineers are often tagged as  non-believers unless some measurement standard  can document the cause of an event.  I don't agree – there's more than mortals can conjure up that is involved.   So these are my ramblings - I'll be interested in the views of others and remain thankful for all the love I have experienced.

Another among you has since reminded me to tell you that love is so powerful as to be very dangerous.  Since I was reminded of that I've been trying figure out if that applies to self love or not.  It seems to me that romantic love is far more dangerous than self love, but then again that the world as we know it would fall apart if we were good at self love.  (At least, the US economy would!)   So perhaps self love is quite dangerous as well.  

Now, the logical among you (and there are plenty of you!) are going to wish that at this point I'd offer a definition of self-love, despite the fact that I've just shown you by example how very hard it is to define love at all.  I'm going to give this my best shot.  Self-love is “loving yourself as you'd love your neighbor.”  Or, perhaps it might be better for some of us to say “loving yourself as you'd want a dearly loved one to be able to love themselves.”  I say this because most people I know are far kinder to their loved ones than themselves.  We speak to ourselves in ways we'd never permit ourselves to speak to anyone else.  

There are 4 girls in this world I consider my nieces, including one who is biologically my niece.  The two oldest are old enough to sometimes be terribly hard on themselves, and life has sometimes given me the chance to have heart-to-heart talks with them when they're in the midst of self-blame.  Because of my deep love for them and because of the training I've had in listening, I've sometimes been able to help them translate their own self-criticisms.  It turns out that “I'm an idiot” usually means something else entirely, for instance, “I'm feeling frustrated that I can't find my long underwear, and I'm afraid it is a fundamental flaw in my humanity that I could have lost them.”  Once translated, it becomes much easier to think together about whether or not misplaced long underwear are really such an enormous failure.

Now, clearly, misplacing one's long underwear does not an idiot make.  We all have the capacity to assure a beloved child of that.  I'm less confident about our ability to remember that when dealing with ourselves.  We jump from a small infraction of our ideals to an enormous overstatement of our failures.  We keep the self-criticism tightly wound inside, most of us keep it so tightly wound that we try to pretend it away even to ourselves.  

The jump from small infraction to utter failure is the work of an internal “self-critic.”  We all have them.  These are parts of ourselves that manage to jump to strong, universal, and nasty criticisms at lightspeed.  They sound like this:  “I'm lazy.” “No one really likes me.” “I'm stupid.” “I'm selfish.” “Everything is wrong and it is all my fault.”  “I'm going to fail.”  “I'm fat.” “I'm going to get fired.”  “I'm ugly.” “I'm unlovable.”  “I don't deserve to be here.”   Most of us have a lot of them, and they're powerful.  While they all sound more or less alike, each of us have our own set with their own  particular refrains.  Self-critics within say things we'd never allow others to say to us – and would never say to others - and they say them regularly.

The most shocking thing I've learned this decade is that self-critics are TRYING TO HELP us.  They're just really, really bad at it.  They actually want to protect and support us, but they have bad communication skills.  They think yelling at us and shaming us will motivate us to do better.  Instead, it can cripple us at times, it keeps us afraid, and it doesn't give us any sense of freedom. However, it is possible to learn how to TRANSLATE the criticism! Under the ugly words is a loving intention, and if you listen to that self-critic the way you might listen to a beloved niece, you can find it.  The best part is that once you hear the loving-intention underneath the criticism, the critic often stops yelling and gives you some peace!

Listening to our self-critics is terrifying.  However, in my experience, it is more frightening to contemplate than to do.  Because the self-critic always has a loving intention, and because that loving-intention hasn't usually been heard, it is actually sort of lovely!  It is far worse to hear the criticisms regularly yelled from within than it is to hear the loving-intention!

One of the harshest critics I've had in my life used to tell me quite often that I was “too much.”  This was extended to include, “too loud, too big, and too pushy.”  I heard it MANY times a day.  With the guidance of a loving teacher, I was able to hear beneath it.  The self-critic was still feeling the pain of being an unpopular elementary school student, and was trying to help me control myself in ways that might make me more like-able.  The self-critic hadn't meant to hurt me!  It really did want to help, it was just scared! Once I heard the loving-intention, it toned down. I still hear from her once in a while, but only in fairly extreme circumstances (when maybe I should be keeping my mouth shut after all!).  Even then, the bite that once sought to control me isn't there anymore.  

There is a quote I've always loved, “Love me when I least deserve it because that's when I really need it.”  This applies to others when they're not able to behave well, and it applies to ourselves when we're not able to behave well, and it applies to our self-critics! , Now, I don't want to send you off to face your self-critics without a bit more guidance.  If you are ready to live without quite as much internal yelling, then I suggest a few things.  It helps a lot to write things down.  “I'm too much” was a terrifying, almost heart-stopping thing to hear inside myself, but in black and white on paper it looked a lot smaller.  If you have a person you trust, they are often quite helpful in working on translating with you.  (Including your pastor.)  The process takes some time, so be patient with yourself.  It may sound silly, but it requires actually listening to the self-critic in order to get to the loving intention. And, as loud and hurtful as self-critics can be, they're also sorta shy. This is a good time to remind you of the “feelings and needs” list found here: https://workcollaboratively.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/wc_needs-feelings-inventory.pdf.  It helps to remember that we all have needs, the needs are universal, needs do not make us weak – AND most self-critics are trying to help us meet a need!!  A very difficult to internalize reminder:  we can actually get along without self-critics.  They are not the only reason we get anything done, we are able to function and even thrive without internal yellers.  

I started this conversation with the precious moments I've had when I've been able to help translate my niece's fears.  I started that way on purpose.  Our inner critics are a lot like hurting children, and they respond best to patient, gentle, loving attention; and they sometimes need some affirmation that we know they're hurting before they can trust us to work with them.  The ways we seek to help children when they're hurting are the same skills we can use to be more loving to ourselves.

Doing the work to love ourselves is a part of God's will.  If God loves us, then God doesn't want us spoken to in hurtful and abusive ways. Thus, the time it takes to find the loving-intention is time well spent.  Furthermore, love itself is a cool thing.  Every time it stretches out in a new direction, it expands its capacity.  As we love others more, we can love ourselves more.  As we love ourselves more, we can love God more.   As we love God more, we can love others and ourselves more.

Love is the will of God.

Including, self-love.

May we do God's will.  Amen

--

Rev. Sara E. Baron

First United Methodist Church of Schenectady

603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305

Pronouns: she/her/hers

http://fumcschenectady.org/

https://www.facebook.com/FUMCSchenectady

June 10, 2018

[yacantusethisname-blog]

Nobody reads these so it’s safe to post here I think. I could pull out the old pen & paper, but I’m here, so here it is. I have decided to kill myself. I just want to get that out. I don’t want a pity party or someone to say don’t do that. No one has cared for me for years, no use in starting at the conclusion of the story. I’m the type of person who has a very difficult time with decisions, but once they’re made, though I may stumble or waver occasionally, those decisions stand. 

There’s no one particular thing that led to this. I have known my whole life that it would come to this. But, of course, I tried to push it away. I distract myself with little dreams, all the while knowing in the back of my mind what they really are. My life is a big mess. There are some aspects of it that could be changed, I don’t deny that. It wouldn’t be easy, but it’s doable. I just don’t have the energy. It gets more difficult to get out of bed in the morning with each passing day. And what does it all matter anyway? There’s no way past death in the end. Life can be meaningful but only if it’s fulfilling in some way. Nothing brings me joy. I still love the people I love & am excited for their lives. But their lives & mine are very different, or so I hope, as I wouldn’t want them to feel the way I do. 

I don’t forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I never connect with people. I think my family was right about me. I wouldn’t be so quick to accept their negative assessment of me, but it’s been validated my entire life, by society, by peers. Look at my friends, few, & my relationships, one-sided. How could they have been wrong? They knew all along. So did I, I guess I was just in denial. They were right - I am stupid & unlovable. They were right, they win. 

In both of my main relationships I was told I didn’t know what love was. They’re right, I don’t. I’ve always wanted to know. I’ve tried to learn. But I never understand. Love is a special thing that I’m not privy to apparently. That’s the fundamental essence of being unlovable - you’ll never get to experience it, much less at an elevated level. They knew all along too. They were right, they win. 

I can’t get myself motivated & I hate myself for it. There’s so much to do. But my lazy ass just can���t snap out of it. Just be okay. Stop making everyone so uncomfortable. Just hurry up & do one or the other - be better or die. No one wants to hear it. Why can’t you just get it together?? It’s not that hard, everyone does it. But that’s what being worthless gets you - sorry I can’t win your approval. Nothing I ever say or do will ever be good enough. For anyone. 

I know myself better than anyone & it’s the right thing to do. It’s my destiny. My life always comes back to this point. No one will ever love me. It’s fact. It needs to be accepted. And I think I am. Things beyond my control that need my attention really require that it not take place until next year. They say once you have a plan, there is often relief. That’s what I am hoping. I have made the decision, the details still need to be worked out, but, I have a good idea about it. 

Honestly, it will be very hard to wait that long. I still have some of the old fears - what if I mess up, & I do normally fuck everything up, the afterlife, etc. But I’ve grappled with those for quite a while now. I believe I am coming to terms with them. I would like for there to be something beautiful, heaven/love, after this life. Nothingness can be beautiful too. The stillness, the silence. No more thirst, no more hunger, no more desire. No more hearing, seeing, worrying. I look forward to it in a way. 

I realize there’s a possibiity things could turn around in the next year, but the point is, I am no longer hopeful for it. It’s okay if it doesn’t.