#but the implication that his character development was as good as glimmer's?

[sapphic-agent]

So, I came across a post that compared how Zutara shippers treat Aang to how Catradora shippers treat Glimmer. And I have to say that this couldn't be more wrong.

The big difference between Glimmer and Aang is that Glimmer apologized. She took accountability for how she treated Adora (and Bow) and tried to make it right. Catra stans/Catradora shippers are hypocritical if they accept Catra's apology but not hers. Adora and Glimmer's conflict was way more both-ways, they both did and said things they didn't mean because they were stressed (and Double Trouble was manipulating them, along with Shadow Weaver getting into Glimmer's head). Adora even admits this herself, which is why she isn't angry at Glimmer. Catra and Adora's issues were way more one-sided, Catra's behavior against Adora was unwarranted.

Meanwhile, Aang never had to take accountability for how he treated Katara and still ended up with her. He got everything he wanted with no repercussions. And it's not like his behavior changed. He's still dismissive of her feelings in the comics. And Katara is the one who has to pay the price, she continues to shove aside her feelings so he can be happy. So not only does this behavior in Aang persist, it escalates at Katara's expense.

If Aang had owned up to what he did, apologized, and changed his behavior like Glimmer did the OP would be right. But he didn't. Glimmer and Aang are nowhere near the same in this context

[yandere-romanticaa]

𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐭.

🎀 Traveling from nation to nation and learning the art of creating the most delicious chocolate has been a passion of yours for ages. However, upon stepping foot into the Nation of Flame, you never could have prepared yourself for the incoming wave of sweetness and obsession which was going to hit you like never before.

A/N: This story is loosely inspired by Joanne Harris' book of the same title, Chocolat. It's a book that I am very fond of and I was inspired to write this once I saw that we were able to make chocolate in Natlan, probably the best thing in the game. I am a massive chocolate enjoyer, so... Also, the fic has some minor nsfw implications, just a bit of a heads up! Apologies if Kinich is not in character, oopsie.

yandere! kinich x fem! reader.

Proud warriors, the scorching hot sun and eternal flames were the first things that came to mind whenever you would think about Natlan. As a humble Mondstadter, it never occurred to you just how rich this nation was, how welcoming the people were going to be and not to mention how this place could help you develop your love for chocolate.

Stirring the pot in front of you was no easy task as the decadent scent of delightful goodness enveloped the entire humble little hut which you occupied, the entire floor littered with pots and pans filled to the brim with your creations and some personal trinkets which you had brought for yourself along for the journey.

One of Natlan's great tribes, the Scions of the Canopy, had graciously taken you under their wing and allowed you the privilege of experiencing the culture firsthand. You let out a wistful sigh as the chocolate bubbled happily before you, the dark liquid almost looking too good to be real.

You always took pride in your skills as a chocolatier, even if you hardly considered yourself the best one in the whole entire world. An endless sky of knowledge was out there waiting for you, the voices of the unknown beckoning you to come forward and seize them with your own two hands.

You were a true Mondstadter at heart. No matter where you were or how far you traversed, the wind was always there to guide you, to show you the right path. And right now, the flow of the wind said to stay in Natlan, to finally stop and smell the roses a little.

And each rose you touched had never been as sweet.

The rose, your rose, had a name and merely thinking of him sent your heart ablaze. Messy dark hair, gorgeous dew eyes and skin so perfectly rough and tender at the same time, it made you wonder how he managed to pull off something so contradictory.

That was Kinich's charm, you supposed. Cheeky little thing, he always looked out for you ever since he saw you. Despite his dry humor and straightforward attitude, there was a certain gentle quality to him which made him so irresistible, as if he was temptation personified. Never once did he leave you alone for the entirety of your trip if it could be helped, which came as a shock to his fellow tribe members.

Looking back on it, you were foolish to not see his intentions, even more so for not paying attention to the longing glimmer in his eye and how he would trail after you like a shadow.

He was shy, at first. Unsure on how he should express his feelings, Kinich merely resorted to doing things for you, because he was simply that kind of man. Actions speak louder than words and there was no word in the dictionary which could describe the way in which his chest would tighten in pain whenever he would make eye contact with you, as if large and thorny vines had sprouted from the ground up and taken root in his soul.

You are sweeter than any chocolate you could possibly make, he whispered into your ear one evening.

A shudder came over you, your cheeks hot at the memory of that night... The moon was high and full, overtaking the pitch black sky as Kinich had pinned you to the ground, his gaze boring deeply in your own, those large eyes focused on you and only you...

Chewing your bottom lip, you stirred the pot harshly as the memory replayed in your head over and over - his grip, which was tighter than any rope imaginable, the feeling of melted chocolate which was caked over your lips and fingers, the sensation of Kinich's tongue as he licked away the sweet goodness off your body...

By the seven, this was too much.

With a huff, you turned off the fire which was lit beneath the pot, your hands shaking with excitement as you felt your entire body growing hotter and hotter, making it harder to concentrate.

Damn that Kinich. Damn him for making you feel so wonderful, so wanted, so perfect. The thought of having to leave this place, it... It bordered on anguish. Sometimes, when you were sure no one was around, you would find a dark little corner and weep quietly to yourself. It was hard to manage the massive hiccups and keep the snot away from staining your clothes at first but you managed. Like always, you would find a way to get everything back in order and all would be well once you got everything out of your system.

You had fallen for Natlan. You had fallen even more so than Kinich. Even so, the wind was picking up once more, demanding that you make your next move.

There was so little time left to enjoy everything you had built here. Therefore, your plan was to make the most of everything you possibly could.

And Kinich was more than ready to assist with that.

He hid high up in a tree as he observed you, his face schooled into that of one of his classical nonchalance and stoicism. The chance of him being spotted by anyone up here was slim but even so, he liked to play it safe.

No one needed to know the pain he was in. No one needed to be aware of his more... dubious thoughts and actions. Kinich always fancied himself as a man of action rather than flowery words. And so, he acted.

Quietly, stealthily... Perhaps even a little lethally at times.

Violence was hardly ever the answer but if anyone got in his way and refused to back down, it was his only solution then.

Kinich had a solid reputation in his tribe - he was trustworthy, he was strong. This granted him access to many things, many useful and convenient things. All he had to do was say the word and most people would keep their mouths shut if they saw him somewhere he should not be. And if his poorly veiled threats were not enough, he was more than ready to take up his weapon and fight.

It really was that easy for him.

Sneaking into your newly built home was its own beast though.

This is wrong, he would chant inside his mind over and over again. The intensity of his actions and his nonchalant persona were always at a clash with one another, constantly fighting a never ending war. He should trust you, he knows you are capable, he has no right to be doing any of this even yet... And yet, he does it anyway.

Because he knows that if he doesn't do something, he will never see you again. Kinich knows that he will lose you to the wind if he lets you slip through his fingers, he will never get to experience what it means to be touched, to be loved.

He wants to adore you in the same way people adore your delectable creations. The various statues made from chocolates, the little cacao bites, the endless sea of pralines which would be devoured so fast by the masses that he could not keep up...

Whenever he had the luxury, he liked to imagine you as one of those pralines. Perfect and oh so easy to devour, you were nothing short of excellent in his eyes. Kinich was no blind fool, he was well aware that you had your flaws as well but he cared very little about that.

He wanted the entire package. He wanted you, wrapped up in a little bow and delivered on his doorstep like the world's most precious package, a package which he could unwrap and enjoy time and time over.

Even in his hazy state of mind, he could still recall how you tasted. Licking his lips, Kinich made sure to double check that he had taken a few things from your hut which could prevent you from finishing your latest project. Yes, that was petty of him.

But he could not be bothered to care.

The wind was cruel. Whenever a gust of it would blow at him, Kinich would scowl as he knew that it meant that you would take it as a sign to leave. His hair would get tousled as he would wrap his arms around his body, the constant yapping of Ajaw did him no good either.

The clock was ticking. There was only so much he could do to keep you here. A plan needed to be formed, fast.

For now, he was going to enjoy you in every way he could. He was going to be greedy and devour you wholly whenever the opportunity arose. As Kinich balanced himself up on the massive tree branch, yet another fresh gust of wind made its way towards him. He saw the way you popped your shoulders, that all too familiar smile on your face.

You loved the wind and the wind loved you. You loved to make chocolate and were quite excellent at it too.

Despite all that, Kinich loved you more. He adored you more than the sun adored the world, he wanted you more than unlike anything else before. He cursed the Anemo Archon underneath his breath, his poor lip bloody and bruised from the amount of times he had bitten it in order to keep himself quiet.

Kinch was a man of countless deeds. And he would find a way to keep you by his side, no matter the cost. Be it Celestia or the Abyss, there was no force in this world which could destroy the endless and raging fire he felt for you.

[spacebatisluvd]

So, I agree with the idea that Horde Prime's behavior towards Hordak is just as bad, if not worse, than his behavior towards Catra and Glimmer. And I'm not going to come on your blog and tell you that you're 'wrong' for liking Hordak more than them, etc. But I will say this: the other reasons why we might like Catra and Glimmer more than Hordak, aside from them being attractive and relatable (which is subjective, I guess) is that they are given more screentime to develop, so there are more chances to connect with them (which is less subjective). Plus, Hordak only becomes sympathetic later, with the reveal of him being an abuse victim, and of his real motivation, much later, whereas Catra and Glimmer start out sympathetic, even if they sometimes do bad things, too. There is also the matter of how they express their emotions: even when they're being mean to Adora or about to make a really bad decision, etc., you can always see the emotions leading up to that. They cry, and they have irises/pupils/more nuanced facial expressions. Catra has breakdown. But with Hordak, his primary default emotions appear to be 1) anger and 2) nothing, until Entrapta shows up. Of course, he has other emotions before he meets her, I'm not saying he doesn't, it's just that to me, the expression of them generally comes out as looking like either anger or nothing, which is not very sympathetic to a lot of people. (For example, Catra is angry at Shadow Weaver for committing child abuse, and feels fear after the purification ritual, but Hordak undergoes the purification ritual and seemingly has no reaction to it afterward).

In terms of Horde Prime specifically... Horde Prime keeps touching Catra and Glimmer against their will, in a very specific way, which is animated so that you pay close attention to it. During this, their facial expressions are like, "Don't touch me!" The show already is very dark sometimes and covers issues like child abuse, mental illness, harmful ideas from Christianity, etc., so I think you are meant to interpret Horde Prime as sexually harassing two vulnerable young women and getting away with it for the time being because he is in a position of power.

(You don't have to answer this, obviously. And I sympathize with Hordak somewhat, in addition to sympathizing with Catra and Glimmer. To me, it's not that he isn't abused, OR that people who don't sympathize are misinterpreting. It just has to do with the order in which events are presented to us, and the way that the characters react/express emotion when something happens to them, among other things).

The funny thing, Anon, is that you’re doing a very good job of proving my point.

I think the show could have done a much better job of building sympathy for the clones and for Hordak. The way the show presents these things is very much meant to make a viewer scared for Catra/Glimmer rather than to build sympathy for Hordak and the clones. That’s my problem—I think they could have easily done both, rather than ignoring one for the other.

It’s kind of upsetting to me that the nonhuman characters aren’t afforded the same care and empathy in the writing as the human (or more human-looking) characters. Especially when you also consider that less human-looking, “ugly”, and/or reptilian characters are always the bad guys in the show. It’s an unfortunately common practice in fantasy media that I find upsetting for a variety of reasons. It has some Unfortunate Implications to say the least, particularly when presented uncritically as it is in the show.

I think your interpretation was the intended interpretation and that’s my main criticism of the writing—for season 5 in particular. You’ve done an excellent job laying out how the way those scenes are presented changes the way a viewer feels about the scenes and the characters.

However…I am going to point out that we do see Hordak cry when he realizes Entrapta is “dead”. And his screams during the actual purification ritual are horrifying. Go rewatch it, if you don’t believe me.

I will also very politely invite you to understand that having a flat affect—Hordak’s lack of visible emotions, even in the face of some truly horrifying situations—is (or can be) a sign neurodivergence. Many people in real life will present in the same way. Just because you can’t see someone’s feelings on their face, that doesn’t mean they aren’t experiencing them. In fact, considering how much time we all spend interacting from behind a screen, I’d say being able to understand the way someone is feeling, even if you can’t see their expression, is becoming a more important skill for all of us to develop.

But…on re-reading your ask, I’m guessing you’re here because of that recent ask about the comic, and not because of my tirade about how Wrong Hordak’s pain is treated as a joke within the narrative, which is the typical source of these sorts of asks. I think you may have accidentally stepped into a well-trodden argument over on my blog. So maybe you’re not aware of my stance on all this.

In any case, you don’t need to explain anything, Anon. As I said in that ask, the characters folk fixate on will vary and will vary for different reasons. My criticisms of the show do not extend to folks who find other characters more sympathetic—your preferences are your preferences, and that’s fine. So long as everyone is respectful of everyone else—and you have been—I really don’t have an issue with anyone.

However, if I said something that made you feel bad about your preferences or like you needed to justify them, then I am sorry for that. That reply was meant more to give the other Anon some support and remind them that they can dip into some Hordak-focused content in our pool if they needed that extra bit of fandom support. (Sometimes fandoms can feel a bit isolating if you spend a lot of time away from folks who share your focus, and I think that’s part of why Anon needed to vent.)

I have a rather formal style of speaking, especially when replying to strangers, so I can see how my reply to that original Anon may have seemed critical of other folks’ preferences. That was not my intention and I do apologize if that was the impression I left you with.

[cruelfeline]

So, I was admittedly distracted by something a little more... distressing, back in season four. Y’know: that bit where Hordak gets... Well; y’all know. Yes. But now that I’m re-watching various bits and pieces, I’ve realized exactly how much Bow’s friendship speech on Beast Island bothers me.

Though I may be misinterpreting it? Am I misinterpreting it? I don’t know.

I kind of hope I’m misinterpreting it

But to me, it feels as if, upon learning that Entrapta is giving up on friendship because she’s had such difficulty with it, Bow kind of... implies that she needs to work harder?

Is that what’s happening? Because that’s what it feels like.

Again: I may be misinterpreting. But I don’t know that I am? I mean, even his claim that the Alliance never gave up on Entrapta kind of... implies that she’s the one who gave up on them? Is that... is that right?

not even considering the fact that they’ve kind of not really cared about her for a season and a half... until she becomes potentially useful via a mass of magic needing defusing

Because if it is, then I’m not a fan. I’m not a fan at all.

I feel like Entrapta works so hard, throughout the series, to be a good friend. She just does it in a way that makes sense to her.

Back in season one, she tries to provide the Princess Alliance with weapons and technology in order to cement their friendship. She participates in their attempt to rescue Glimmer and Bow after the Princess Prom. She does her best to work with the group during their foray into the Fright Zone, despite their less-than-respectful way of dealing with her. She does her best. She tries. She endures their lack of clear communication in an effort to be useful and belong. 

And, for her troubles, she is left behind. Yes, it’s an accident. No, they don’t mean it. But, at the same time, they don’t go back to look. They don’t make sure. And Entrapta, whether intentionally or not, is left to her own devices in the Fright Zone.

Once there, she repeats her attempt at friendship-building. She again provides weapons and technological know-how, trying to use them as the foundation of a relationship because, well, that’s what she understands. That’s what she’s comfortable with, and that’s what she has to offer. So she does.

And it honestly works! She becomes friends with Scorpia. They seem to genuinely enjoy one another’s company: they talk about their (different) interests, engage in friendly physical contact, enjoy the anticipation of hot cocoa on one of their missions. Entrapta seems to make a legitimate connection with her, one that Scorpia canonically admits to missing.

Entrapta likewise befriends Hordak and develops a sweet, loving relationship with him. She connects with him in a way no one else ever has, owing both to her lack of fear and to her willingness to see humanity in a person everyone else writes off as a tyrannical monster. I don’t know that I need to say much more about this: we all acknowledge the wholesome, wonderful nature of Entrapdak.

She tries to befriend Catra, too, both by providing her with tech and by going so far as to petition Hordak to spare her after the Shadow Weaver incident.

My point regarding all of this is that Entrapta does try. She does work at it, attempting to be the best friend she can be. She enjoys an easy companionship with Scorpia (apparently being the only real friend the latter has had, by Scorpia’s own admission!). She falls in love with Hordak, entering into a mutual relationship that eventually gives him the strength to break from his abusive slavemaster of a god-brother. She tries to provide Catra with honest help, succeeding in helping her fulfill her Horde duties and actually saving her life.

And yet, with all of this effort, what happens?

Catra sentences her to death. There’s no way around this: it’s the only honest way to put it.

Scorpia ends up caring more about Catra than anyone else and subsequently allows Entrapta to be shipped off to Beast Island

Hordak... oh, by the gods, Hordak tries, but he ends up a victim of Catra’s manipulation and his own emotional pain. To his credit, he promptly loses his mind when he realizes what has happened. 

In the end? In the end, all of Entrapta’s work has led to multiple functionally failed friendships (well, Scorpia squeaks out a save... eventually) and one romantic relationship put on hold because of a tragic misunderstanding. And it’s not her fault. It’s not that she doesn’t work hard enough. It’s not that she thinks friendship is easy. It’s not that she gives up on people. Entrapta does try. She works hard with the tools and the understanding that she possesses. And despite all of that effort, she ends up on Beast Island anyway because Catra doesn’t value her, Scorpia doesn’t value her enough, and Hordak is too wounded to realize what’s happening

So this moment when Bow gives her this talk, when it sounds like he’s telling her that she needs to try harder and really work on friendship in order for it to happen for her... I just... is that really what this scene means? Because, if so, then it just falls so incredibly flat for me.

It falls so very flat, right alongside that uncomfortable moment in S5E2 when all of the princesses are furious with her, and she just doesn’t understand why, because in her mind, she’s been trying to help in the only way she knows how. And no one has clearly told her any other way, so how is she supposed to know?

Agh. I just really don’t like this implication that Entrapta has failed at friendship because she didn’t work hard enough. I don’t like this implication that she is the one that needs to buck up and try harder, when she has been putting forth an honest effort to understand people and give them useful things and interact pleasantly, even when said people refuse to communicate clearly with her.

And for pity’s sake, she’s a wonderful enough friend that she helps Hordak find the strength to take back his memories and his life and his name so that he can free himself and kill his god for her. That’s pretty damned successful, isn’t it?

needless to say Hordak is exempt from this entire pseudo-rant because he actually respects and reciprocates her efforts

So why does the Alliance continuously put forth this demand that she “work harder?” Why do the princesses constantly imply that she’s the one not trying, when they never actually try to understand her even one iota? Why does it always have to be Entrapta picking up the social pace and adapting to everyone’s demands?

And why doesn’t the narrative call out this gross discrepancy?

I can understand the characters engaging in this nonsense, but why doesn’t the narrative point it out for what it is? Why doesn’t the narrative mark it as unfair and wrong?

It’s a major aspect of Entrapta’s “friendship arc” that just doesn’t sit well with me. I feel like there’s this constant theme of “Entrapta needs to work harder to understand people” when she’s already working hard. She’s already giving it her all, but she’s the only one who is. It’s all so uncomfortably one-sided. The actual problem, to my eyes, is that no one save for one (1) grumpy clone is meeting her halfway, and the story just completely fails to recognize that.

[baggebythesea]

How do you think the story would have gone if Catra and Hordak only OR Glimmer and Hordak only OR Hordak only had been teleported up to Prime's ship, leaving the other(s) in the Fright Zone?

I'm completely against any and all versions of She-Ra without the force field scene, so I do not approve of this au :-)

No, seriously. It would be interesting. I imagine that with Glimmer captured, Bow's and adora's journey would be pretty similar as it was in canon proper, gallivanting out in space with Entrapta to save her. But without Catra to keep her sane and teleport her away, Glimmer would have a much worse time. She might even be chipped in a 'save the princess' kind of story. at least the Glimmadora shipper in me would be happy to see adora turn to She-Ra to save her pink princess :-)

Catra, in the meantime, would be back on Etheria dealing with the realization that in the end of the day Horde Prime didn't care about her or the rest of the Horde. Here she was, winning in the end. She took out Hordak, almost took over the world, held the throne of the Horde... and the big bad Prime who Hordak couldn't shut up about didn't even care. That might lead to lots of different places, depending on how you want to play it. She might reconnect with Lonnie and the boys, it might end up with her heading out with Double Trouble to form a little rebellion on her own, she might even end up fighting clones together with the princesses (she would absolutely be in the Hidden Grotto episode rocking a fedora, perhaps singing a duet about forgiveness with Scorpia). Sadly, there would be less time for her and Glimmer to interact, so however their relationship would develop is an open question.

If Catra was the one kidnapped, the best friend squad could have their tear-filled reunion right in the Fright Zone as Bow swoops in to save Glimmer and in the First One's temple after adora shattered the sword. There would be all sort of interesting implication for Glimmer's relationship with Bow (and to a lesser extent adora). Would Glimmer's initial shock over Light Hopes betrayal be enough to bring her back to the tear filled apologies we saw in canon proper? Would resentment linger? Would they still have unprocessed feelings? add to that Glimmer now being present for the fall of Brightmoon and things might be rough.

There are some choices to be made regarding what the people still on Etheria understands on what's going on in space. Do they realize what a shitty situation Hordak and Catra are in? Do they blame them for Horde Prime's atrocities? When and how do they learn the truth? (Great potential for Entrapta character development here as she timidly asks if it's OK if she borrows the space ship to go get her boyfriend.)

Me, I'd play a bit with the timing back in the Fright Zone and give Catra and Glimmer some extra time for some quick bonding after Glimmer finds the broken Catra where Double Trouble left her, but before the princess overload kicks in. Glimmer would actually have time to answer the 'just do it' line. There would be some bravado, but also the realization that she doesn't have it in her to 'do it'.

They would have an awkward moment when they try to figure out what happens now, before Glimmer decide to take Catra prisoner. Catra can get a quip in about Glimmer wanting another go with kidnapping her (and asking if Glimmer wants her to lick her again), and they have a good laugh. Glimmer sinks down next to Catra (because I WILL have my force field scene, dammit) as she comes down from the adrenaline rush and they realize together that it's over. Glimmer won and Catra lost. Catra might even get a line about asking Glimmer to tell adora she's sorry, and Glimmer says she'll get the chance to tell her herself.

They smile at each other, softly, tentatively.

and THEN Light Hope hits Glimmer full force with the Heart of Etheria. Catra watches in horror as Glimmer collapses. Glimmer manages to hiss out a few words about the Black Garnet, and Catra try to help her destroy it (it's not like she has any other project right now).

and THEN Horde Prime kidnaps Catra, like an asshole, and Bow shows up to rescue Glimmer and they rush to adora and - Oh, hi dad, congrats on not being dead - and then Horde Prime invades Bright Moon (like an asshole) and it's all chaos and all emotions at the same time, but then, after a few days or weeks, when they sit in their camp one late night - desperate and tired to the bone - Glimmer finds adora looking despondently at the new stars of the night sky and admits that she maybe kinda sorta would like to... rescue Catra? and Glimmer starts crying and YES she would like that very much, because the woman she got to know for all of two minutes there in the end is someone she would very much like to get to know better, and Bow is all FRIENDSHIP and Entrapta is all 'you had me at space' and off they go to save their cat.

There would also be some interesting potential for interaction between Hordak and whichever of the girls that is stuck in space. Glimmer would get a chance to see her childhood figure of nightmares for the sad, broken man he is, and Catra and Hordak would finally be on equal footing, both of them finally realizing just how fundamentally broken the Horde is, how unworthy of their participation, and they muse together about the women they left behind. Maybe they even manage to send a signal to Entrapta who would get Scorpia and we could have a Super Pal Trio led rescue effort.

However it would work out, Horde Prime (who is an asshole) would get his ass kicked because Glimmer or Catra - whichever would be stuck alone and miserable in space - would have friends left on Etheria going completely ape-shit to get them back.

[manikas-whims]

Troublesome New Girl

Sequel to A Place Good Enough

[Read on AO3]

Characters: Inej Ghafa, Jesper Fahey, Kaz Brekker

Summary: Inej has newly joined the Dregs. She goes to return Kaz's coat in the presence of many members. *cue the teasing & jokes*

Jesper meets Inej & evidences of Jesper's crush on Kaz (tiny bit of angst).

Kaz is his usual self & sets an example. A violent one :)

Note:

I just noticed this complete written fic has been sitting in my drafts for a month now. I'm so dumb 〒_〒

PLEASE DO READ THE PREVIOUS PART IN THIS SERIES TO UNDERTAND THIS SEQUEL.

Hope you guys enjoy!

Inej

The constant noise of banging against wood rouses Inej from her sleep. She looks around haphazardly only to find herself lying on a cot in an unknown room, her torso covered by a grey coat. Sun's rays blind her eyes momentarily as she turns her face, an open window staring back at her, not the daunting walls of the Menagerie. Memories of the previous night flood back and her shoulders deflate in relief. She takes a long breath to calm her rapidly beating heart. She doesn't need to endure Heleen's beatings or sell her body anymore. She is free of that life. Free.

“Oi new girl!” a voice calls, followed by more knocking at the wooden door to her small room. “Brekker told me to bring you some clothes. I’m leaving a pair out here.”

Right! Kaz Brekker had promised her better clothes. She leaves the comfort of the cot but by the time she unlocks the door to thank whoever was on the other end, the person is gone. She catches a short glimpse of a feminine figure with blond hair at the stairs and vows to thank her later. Picking up the clothes, she closes the door.

Jesper

When Jesper had heard his fellow Dregs gossiping about Dirtyhands bringing back a girl with him late at night, he hadn’t given it much thought. He had ignored Anika when she had said that she was literally asked by Kaz himself to provide the said girl with some clothes. In fact, he had completely shooed away anyone who came up to fill his ears with rumors about this unknown Suli girl and the bastard of the barrel. So when a small, bronze-skinned girl bumps into him on the third floor of the Slat, he's stunned.

"Ohhh—", The girl waves her hands frantically, her pupils dilating in concern, "I'm sorry."

But Jesper doesn't bother with apologies for he's too busy appraising her. Now she does match the rumored descriptions and is even donning Anika's lame clothes. But what actually piques his interest is a neatly-folded coat in the deepest shade of grey held between her dainty hands. He doesn’t need to think long to guess who it belongs to. There’s only one person who doesn’t indulge in the colorful fashion sense of the barrel— Kaz “Dirtyhands” Brekker.

He feels his insides fuming. But no way is he going to act like an idiot and jump to conclusions. Just because here's a girl he’s never seen before and she happens to have a coat, doesn’t mean that every single narrative he's heard about this whole situation is true.

He narrows his eyes in what he assumes is his best look of suspicion as he towers over the girl. “Where did you get that?”

"Um", she looks down at the piece of clothing and mumbles in the most innocent tone, "Mr. Brekker lent it to me."

Mr. Brekker!? The hell kinda way is this to address a man you slept with? Or whatever the heck it is that Dirtyhands prefers to do with girls..

"Why?" he asks. From Jesper's experiences, the young lieutenant of the Dregs isn't big on kindness. "Why did he lend it you?"

The girl's brows narrow in thought. It seems she herself is unsure of the reason. Her left palm clutches her right forearm in apprehension. "I guess..because I wasn't in a very decent attire."

Alarms go off in Jesper's head again. What exactly happened between her and Kaz? His heart needs answers yet he knows that its none of his business so he suppresses the unease welling in his belly.

"Well Kaz is up there." He gestures in the direction of the attic. "I'm headed there right now so I can give it to him."

The girl frowns. "I can't let a stranger do that for me. Besides," she twirls a strand of her hair, her eyes alight with some indescribable emotion, "I must properly thank him myself."

Jesper is familiar with this look. It mirrors his own when he was still a newbie at the Dregs and wanted to prove himself, wanted to repay Kaz for saving his ass. And not just by helping him pluck stupid pigeons but also by adding extra sums of profits to his ledger. Jesper can empathize with her on this.

"He saved you too," The Zemeni asks carefully, "didn't he?"

She stares at him, gauging the understanding in his expression and simply nods.

He rubs the side of his neck awkwardly. "Well, wanna go up together?"

Her eyes widen and she involuntarily takes a few steps back. Distrust. Fear. He can empathize with this action as well. In the barrel, it'd be foolish to believe a complete stranger within few moments of the first encounter.

"Then," he smiles the smile that many have called charming and starts his ascend upstairs. He only looks back once to wink at her, hoping it'll quell her anxious mind a bit, "follow my lead?"

"I can do that." she mumbles, more to assure herself and takes the first step of many that will become the foundation to their sibling-like friendship.

Kaz

When it comes to change, development and fresh ideas, Per Haskell always cowers and dismisses the topic. People like that will never achieve anything if they aren't willing to take risks. The restoration of that abandoned fifth harbour would already be in motion if Kaz hadn't chosen to waste another of his precious mornings trying to convince his boss that investing in it may prove fruitful to the Dregs. And so, after a pointless argument he had had earlier with the old man, he's decided to take matters into his own hands.

Huffing audibly, he continues explaining every member present in his room their respective job for the day. The boisterous throng huddled around him, begins dispersing all of a sudden. Curiously, Kaz looks up to find his faitful right-hand man Jesper Fahey walking in, a mischievous glint in his silver irises.

"We bumped into each other on our way up here." Jesper gestures behind him.

And it is then that Kaz notices her presence— Inej Ghafa, the strange Suli girl he had brought back from the West Stave. Oddly, he had felt her presence moments ago but had brushed it off as a mere byproduct of his rest-deprived mind playing tricks on him. Turns out his intuition hadn’t been wrong at all.

"Its that Suli girl."

"The one that Brekker took up to his bed?"

"Who would've thought Haskell's rabid dog had such exquisite tastes."

The one that Brekker took where? Haskell's rabid what? Kaz isn't sure which remark he finds more insulting towards his reputation. Although he does realise he has no one except himself to blame. He should'nt have let the girl follow him up to the attic last night. As usual, he'll have to cover this small err with fresh tales about himself that are even more gruesome than the previous ones. But for now he must find out why the new girl is here.

Anika’s clothes are baggy on her small frame— a deep green shirt so loosely-fitted that she has tied its ends into a double knot just above her belly-button whilst the fawn-colored trousers hang tastefully around her hips. He watches her long, silky hair sway behind her as she walks gracefully in his direction, determination glimmering in her dark brown irises. Shock briefly flits across his gaze but before he can even think of stopping her, she shoots out her hands in which he (dreadfully) recognizes, she’s holding his coat. He can feel all eyes in the room already settling on him. They collectively stare in a mix of shock, curiosity and..is this jealousy he's witnessing on a few faces?

"What do you think you're doing?" He grits out. He hears a muffled snickering which he's sure is Jesper's and wonders if the two somehow managed to become friends in the short span of their climb up the stairs. And that they both planned this prank together on their way.

However, Inej only furrows her brows, debunking his ridiculous theory. She seems to be wondering what she's done wrong as she answers confidently, "I forgot to return it last night."

More interested staring ensues. The new pen in his palm snaps.

Is this girl serious right now? It took him long, unrelenting years to rise to the position he's at. He's spilled his blood, sweat and tears to scatter the seeds of terror about him throughout the expanse of Ketterdam. Even people who come across him for the first time, visibly shiver and turn pale. So what part of their last conversation has given her this courage to approach him so casually? She seems to have forgotten the fact that he’s an infamous barrel thug, feared by merchers, stadwatch and gangsters alike. She isn’t supposed to saunter up to him and return his coat, making this whole exchange appear to be a scandalous affair to the curious bystanders. She isn't supposed to crumble Dirtyhands' hard-built reputation with just a few words!

"Stand aside, I'm busy." He mutters, because he truly has no idea how to get out of this predicament and hopes that his caustic tone will get the message across just like it does with everyone else.

To his utter dismay, Inej seems to be far more tactless than Jesper, who still hasn't stopped snickering. She tucks the coat back in her arms and bites her lip as if suppressing herself from saying something mean. Her eyes quietly regard his own, an unspoken understanding settling between them. She is aware that if she doesn't wish to be thrown back into the Menagerie, she must behave properly with him. And yet, her nostrils flare as she responds, "I just wanted to pay my gratitude-"

"You can pay your gratitude," Kaz hisses back, glaring up at her from his perched position, "with your services." And its only after uttering those words does he realise the ambiguous implications hinted in them. Jesper's shoulders are shaking uncontrollably now, his palms tightly clamped around his mouth to muffle his laugh.

"Slow down, Dirtyhands." comments someone from the back and the whole room bursts into a howl of laughter. Inej brings a palm to her lips, gasping in mortification.

Kaz massages his eyes. Dealing with these ruffians has already been a headache. Now this new girl just walks in and takes the cake. She's proving to be far more dangerous– scratch that– far more more troublesome than he had expected.

He lets them have their fun as he pulls out a knife from his coatsleeve and gets up. He ambles towards Dirix, his steps slow and deliberate. He's sure it was Rotty who'd made the joke but Dirix is standing closer and it doesn't really matter who said what. Dirtyhands just needs to set an example.

The young boy is suddenly looking very pale. Kaz grabs his right hand, the dominant one and digs the blade along the joints of his fingers. The knife easily tears through his skin and goes deeper into the muscle beneath. Dirix is now screaming whilst everyone else hold their breath. From his peripheral vision, he catches the horror on Inej's face and rolls his eyes. Surely she must've heard of his violent endeavors at the menagerie. She shouldn't have approached him in the first place if she's going to be so shocked everytime he spills someone's blood.

He roots out the knife before it can completely sever Dirix's limbs. "Get 'em patched up." The boy is already running out.

He walks back and tosses the knife to the desk, its loud clang making everyone flinch in fright. "Pipe down before I actually start chopping tongues."

The threat silences everyone.

"This is Inej Ghafa." He points at her and the girl cowers slightly. Not at all the abrupt attention on her, he notices, but from him. "She's to be a new spider."

This one simple statement seems to piece together everything for them. Though he has an inkling that his previous act of brutality also plays a major part. They nod and whisper amongst themselves. He almost scoffs. Of course its easier for them to believe that Kaz Brekker took up a girl to his room for information. Not some spicy dalliance.

"Now get to work." He orders and one by one they shuffle out of the room, Rotty nodding respectfully. He knows he was spared merely by luck.

Jesper is the last one. He winks at Inej before taking his leave. "See you around, new girl!"

And with all of them gone, Kaz turns to Inej. She inhales a breath in anticipation.

"Let's start your training."

So hopefully that was as fun reading as it was for me writing :3

Coming parts will have Inej's training and ofc her picking her canon outfit.

.

SoC Masterlist

( divider by @firefly-graphics )

[katieskarlette]

I got the Folk and Fairy Tales of Azeroth book today and have read over half of it, through the one about the Forsaken soldiers.

It’s an entertaining read, but aside from the Tuskarr one (and maybe the Earth Mother one) the stories have been kind of depressing.  Maybe it’s just me.

I don’t like creepy ghost stories, so the Vulpera and Goblin stories, while well-written, just weren’t my cup of tea.  The Forsaken one had an amusing ending but was pretty damn dark otherwise--which is fitting, of course, but didn’t change the overall tone of gloominess.

Both the Vereesa and Uther ones were so full of symbolism and veiled allusions that I feel like I need to read them at least twice more before I can begin to wrap my mind around them.  I had read spoilers so I knew what they were about in broad strokes, but I was still left confused about what I should take away from them.

More spoilery (and not particularly positive) comments below.

Is it weird that the most interesting conversation Zovaal has had so far was with Vereesa Windrunner in a story that’s basically a fever dream of dubious canonicity, in a book that costs over $30 and thus will be read by a fraction of the playerbase?  And by “weird” I mean “a shame.”  He’s genuinely wounded by what he sees as his siblings’ betrayal, and is a textbook case of “I got burned once so I’m never ever ever letting anyone close enough to hurt me again.”  Which isn’t groundbreaking, but it’s more characterization than he’s gotten in-game so far.  He even had the tiniest glimmer of a sense of humor when he commented that everyone has a hole in their heart, but they’re usually not visible like his.  I want him to be a good villain, damn it, but there’s so little to work with, so I’ll take what I can get.

The Sisters story definitely gives credence to the theory that Sylvanas’ soul was split like Uther’s upon her death to Frostmourne.  We still don’t know exactly what that means, or if it’s fixable, but it’s definitely something Blizzard is teasing.  I’ve said it before, but I don’t like the possible implications about culpability (or lack thereof) for deeds performed after one’s soul is split.  I don’t want a convenient “oh, this character’s soul was broken, so nothing they did is really their fault” kind of end to the stories of characters like Sylvanas, Arthas, and Uther.  But neither do I think they should be condemned with the same severity as someone like Kil’jaeden, Gul’dan, or Adelas Blackmoore.  I wrote a piece about that back in November so I’ll just link to it and move on.

If Vereesa was so broken up about her sister’s death to the point where she had a mental breakdown and wandered the wilderness on some kind of near-suicidal vision quest, maaaaaaaaaaaybe we should have heard about it before, like, you know, in the game?  Because now either Vereesa is not going to be part of Sylvanas’ destiny in 9.1 (and beyond?), which won’t feel right, or she is going to have a significant role, in which case the majority of the playerbase will be in the dark because once again a lore development happened in supplementary media.  

I’m generally supportive of the idea of retroactively fleshing out lore, but something about this didn’t quite sit right with me for some reason.  I might be too nitpicky, though.  I am glad they chose to focus on the love between sisters, as that’s a topic that almost never gets addressed in WoW lore.  I just wish it hadn’t been in the context of, “Oh, you want to know more about the fate of Sylvanas’ soul?  The thing we’ve been teasing you about back and forth, over and over for years?  The thing we’ve been deliberately obtuse about in order to rile up the fandom?  Okay, read this surreal story that may or may not even have happened in canon and be even more confused!”

Sigh.  Moving on.

The Uther story was weird.  Really weird.  Uther is a father figure to Arthas, so having him be attracted to the AU!fem!Arthas was uncomfortable.  (And stumbling upon maidens bathing in the forest?  Could that be more of a cliché?)  Was the minstrel supposed to be genderbent Jaina?  He was described more like Kel’thuzzad, but that doesn’t really make sense, either. I know, it’s a fairy tale AU, it’s not supposed to be a perfect one-for-one parallel, but I felt like the story could have gotten the same message across without some of the extraneous details cluttering the scenes.  Was the young man in green and gold supposed to be Nathanos?  The warrior woman with red hair was...who, exactly?  Every time Uther met a character my brain came to a screeching halt trying to figure out if it was supposed to be a familiar character from the main universe, and if so what (if anything) that meant.

And, I mean, the message is okay, I guess.  I’m a huge fan of empathy.  But it seems like there could have been a better way to express that moral than a slightly-creepy Rule 63 AU full of distracting maybe-cameos.

Maybe I’ll like it better upon re-reading, but as I said I’d already been spoiled about the basic plot and the name anagrams, so I knew what I was getting into when I started reading.

Maybe there’s an appendix telling how both Vereesa and Uther stumbled upon some funny mushrooms.  That would explain a lot.

[veryvincible]

Do you think you could share some of your Tony Ty youth/relationship days hcs? hehe

Yours truly,

Tys obsessed fan

Oh boy! I have been sitting on this for a few days now, because there is, uh, a lot. Also, I adore you, and I love every Ty ask I receive.

I think this post would end up far too long if I responded the way I desire to in my heart, so I’ll keep it relatively simple (edit: it did not stay relatively simple, and also it branched out slightly into other topics. This is so very long. Be warned.)

Content warnings here for psychological/emotional abuse/domestic abuse/child abuse!

I like to think they didn’t really have a “let’s get together!” moment. I think they ended up becoming close, they were casual with each other, and it just kind of... became what it became. I think they probably ended up using labels at some point, but I don’t think there was ever an official, “Would you like to go out on a date with me?” or “Would you want to be, like, boyfriends?” moment. 

I think Tony was a generally isolated kid (obviously, he gained acquaintances like Bruce and potentially Reed as he grew older, but you know) and Ty was... probably also a generally isolated kid. Ty may have had a few other “friends” around, given what we know about him; he’s certainly charismatic. I don’t think Ty would have really developed close friendships with many people, though, given that his personality seems more rotten the closer you get to him.

We don’t see a lot of their childhood together at all, so this is almost entirely shit I’ve come up with for the sake of fic writing and general note-taking for the sake of coherency with how I write Ty, but.

One thing I tend to lean toward is the idea that Ty had kind of an awful home life. This isn’t really an, “Aw, boo, so sad, what a tragic man,” sort of thing so much as it is that... I think Ty and Tony are at their most interesting when they’re contrasting forces, and the idea of Tony (a victim of abuse who broke the cycle) becoming friends with Ty (a victim of abuse who perpetuates the cycle) at a young age, not in spite of their differences but because of them, is something I really like to think about.

We don’t actually get much of Ty’s parents in canon-- they’re kind of implied to be, like, Fine Parents. They’re contrasted with Howard Stark, who pulls the shark-eat-shark business motherfucker thing and basically causes Mr. Stone’s business to, like. Drown, or whatever. You know. The contrast there is implied, and I respect that for what it is. That being said, that’s not what interesting for me to write, and as such, I’ve chosen to tweak these little details for the sake of my more personalized (and slightly more self-indulgent) fic writing experience.

I think there’s a lot of potential in considering the differences between how they act at home as opposed to how they act with each other, too. I think Home Tony is generally apprehensive and subdued, but more uncertain and anxious than outright fearful 24/7. In IM Vol. 1, Howard was shown to be unpredictable; we got to see a lot of bad, but there were also sparkling moments wherein they seemed to be bonding as a father-son duo, and Tony would actually get to work with his father and learn from his father. I think that very well could have exacerbated the anxiety he felt, because he’s not being taught to never touch anything ever-- he’s being taught that there are very specific circumstances under which he’s able to explore as he’d like to, and those circumstances are 1) virtually impossible to accurately predict and 2) subject to change at the drop of a hat. So, Tony has been shown to be at least a little bit capable of testing the waters with what he’s allowed to do in the house and what he’s not allowed to do. That doesn’t make it any less anxiety-inducing, it just makes him a tiny, tiny bit of a more active child than one who’s constantly paralyzed.

Home Ty, to me, would be the opposite-- he is fearful 24/7, and as such, his behavior as a child is kind of... flawless, at least in the eyes of parents who think that children should be seen, not heard (and sometimes not even seen). I think both of his parents were abusive-- his father more so than his mother, but certainly both of them, if only because I think it would be yet another nice contrast between him and Tony, whose mother wasn’t perfect but certainly tried harder and felt more for Tony than Howard did. I like to think Ty was kept on a very short leash at home; boundaries were predictable, there were no “glimmering moments” he could grasp onto in order to make him feel like there was ever a chance of having normal family dynamics, and he was too afraid to really... do anything about it.

In contrast, I think Boarding School Ty was probably a lot pushier, a lot more risk-taking, and generally just... took up more space. I think he was still pretty fearful of authority and nervous about punishment, but he was well aware of the fact that this was distinctly different from being at home and that most people at school didn’t give a flying fuck about him. It likely could have been both liberating and anxiety inducing for someone so used to being around people who found it important to control him. I think he was probably pretty manipulative at this point, but I don’t think it was at the point where you would point to him and go, “Oh, what a fucked up, toxic person!”, especially since he was, like... a little fucking dude. Like, a fucking young’un. But I think the seeds were sort of planted here, and given that he had no healthy relationships to model himself after, he worked off of the assumption that in order to have control as opposed to being controlled, he needed to 1) possess things, 2) protect them aggressively, and 3) make sure his authority wasn’t threatened.

Boarding School Tony (from what little we’ve seen of him, though we can imagine he was probably similar to pre-boarding school Tony for a while, just with more Issues now) was probably the opposite-- less willing to take up space and less willing to take risks. It’s not unimaginable to assume that he might have thought his (extremely) mild exploratory tendencies might have had something to do with the abandonment, and he very well could have adjusted accordingly; if him causing trouble for people was what pushed his parents to leave him, he would very simply not cause trouble. A lot of this is nabbed from Adult Tony tendencies, wherein pretty much everyone else is prioritized over himself and he’s practically incapable of finding himself worthy of anything at all.

It’s the classic “extrovert friend-adopts an introvert” trope, except... it’s a severely damaged child feeling gutsy enough to finally, finally take up space and find something to possess and control for his own for once... friend-adopting a severely damaged child who very likely feels like the best way to proceed in relationships is to very clearly identify boundaries, figure out what it is the other person wants from him, and try to adhere to those desires as much as he’s able.

Of course, canon portrays the relationship as a “friendly rivalry” that Ty takes much more seriously than Tony does. From what we’ve seen of Tony, though, Tony doesn’t actually want to be better than anyone. In fact, he tries his best to make it seem like the opposite. He treats everyone like they’re on the same level, he tries to simplify the concepts he’s explaining so no one feels inferior to him, and, generally, he just... isn’t much of a braggart. That isn’t to say competitive/proud people can’t be kind and gentle and want to level the playing field often, but in Tony’s case, it seems that competition is best for two things: 1) having two intelligent, capable people trying to outdo each other and, in the process, creating better and better technology for the betterment of society at large, and 2) lighthearted fun.

For Ty, it very clearly wasn’t just lighthearted fun, and I think most of their childhood rivalry would have become formulaic at a point: Tony would put a good amount of effort into their competitions, but if it seemed that Ty was lagging behind too much, Tony would simply back off and let things even out. I don’t think Ty was predictably a sore loser; in fact, I think he was unpredictable, and I think a part of Tony that had only known life to be unpredictable found some level of sick comfort in that.

For Tiberius Stone specifically, I tend to read more into the unintended consequences/implications of his character based on one-off lines that... weren’t really intended to say much. The story canon gives us isn’t incohesive, exactly! It’s a pretty good story, especially if you’re not hellbent on analyzing character motivations. There’s just a lot about Ty that doesn’t seem very stable. Obviously, he’s not a stable person, given that he, uh, freaked the fuck out and tried to take over the world. But when I say Ty doesn’t seem very stable, I mean his character doesn’t seem the most stable at a second glance; we’re given conflicting accounts about his motivations, his intentions, his past, and even what he’s trying to do in the moment. And some of these inconsistences can be found in dialogue from Ty’s own mouth.

Now, if you read into it from a point of view that’s canon-adjacent as opposed to canon-compliant (i.e., assuming there’s much more of a story there than canon offers, and canon’s “case closed!” for the timeline of Ty’s life isn’t actually a closed case), you can gauge not only some level of dysregulation, but also... a level of delusion, almost. Ty seems disconnected from reality, but it’s not like there’s one single alternate timeline of events that’s cohesive in his head. It feels like his view of the world and, most importantly, himself (and this is excluding dialogue wherein he’s explicitly lying to Tony in order to manipulate him).

Most notably, we can kind of gauge fluctuations in his own views of his self worth. He engages in constant competition with Tony, he refuses to come back to America after leaving until he’s more successful than Tony, and pretty much everything he does is to prove he’s better than Tony. So, he thinks he’s better than Tony, right?

Well, not really. Because so much of his life was spent with the understanding that he wasn’t better than Tony. That was the whole reason he was gone for so long. He said he’d come back once he’d beat Tony, and... he still hadn’t beaten Tony. The beginning of the narrative leads you to assume that he thinks his big victory was being richer somehow, but it was all a set-up to bait Tony into Dreamvision. He comes across like he wants to kill Tony at first, and when that doesn’t work, he wants to... keep Tony. Like a pet, almost. But he also wants Tony to... kill him?

It’s a lot. It’s messy. It’s inconsistent. And that’s kind of what’s interesting about it. It (unintentionally, probably) suggests that Ty doesn’t have consistent motivations, which is something you do see often in people who are in survival mode in environments that don’t necessarily warrant it. It suggests a psychological wound that’s easy to poke at.

Essentially, Ty just comes across as very... hurt. Which, y’know, doesn’t justify shit and doesn’t make him any better of a person, but it provides the opportunity for some interesting narratives to sprout. Figuring out all the ways that Tony could unintentionally pick at this psychological wound of his and all the ways Ty could poorly respond is neat, I think, and I feel like these kinds of narratives tend to be very... raw, I guess, is the word I’m looking for. They just kind of hit hard, especially for those who have experienced similar situations.

It’s just something that’s terribly common in abusive relationships-- any implication that the traumatized abuser is doing something wrong can be a trigger for a borderline nervous breakdown, which makes communication practically impossible and, if the victim of the abuse feels obligated to stick around or take on the role of caretaker, turns the relationship into a cycle of insecurity and misery on all fronts. That’s not to say the abuser and the victim are suffering equally or are equally justified/valid, but it is a kind of relationship dynamic that can be incredibly cathartic to both write and read, and it’s also just... I don’t know. It just, as the kids say, hits different.

So, rewinding about four paragraphs there (whoops, this is getting long), I think most of my feelings about youth/relationship days Ty/Tony kind of center around this concept of two suffering people handling their trauma in totally opposite ways. I think it’s especially interesting to look at it from the point of view of them as younger adults (or teenagers, or children) who aren’t so set in their ways quite yet. You see these redemptive qualities and you see these children and these teenagers who are so, so ready to be helped and saved and cared for, but with the knowledge that they just... don’t get that. Not for a long time, at least.

It can feel fatalistic from a narrative standpoint, and... I mean, it kind of is. There are very few circumstances under which I could see Ty getting a redemption arc of any kind, and that’s kind of what makes a younger Ty so tragic. Everything he does is born of insecurity and anger, and everything Tony does is born of insecurity and love.

I think (for a short period of time, at least), they molded each other. Ty’s anger and competitiveness only solidified Tony’s inferiority complex and Tony’s inability to really, genuinely stand up against Ty in a way that would make any lasting meaningful changes only cemented the idea in Ty’s head that this was an acceptable way to be.

Now that that’s out of the way, here are some more simple and concise headcanons, because you asked for them and I’m sorry this became so terribly long and broke off in so many different directions:

- I think Tony and Ty bickered a lot as they got older. I don’t think Tony was totally incapable of standing up for himself, but I do think Tony probably had a tendency to call Ty out in the moment, and when Ty became too agitated and too unreasonable, Tony just left it alone and let it settle. 

- I think Ty can play house extremely well. He probably remembers all of Tony’s favorite foods, favorite songs, favorite fabrics, favorite... I don’t know what other favorite things you could have, but you get my point. I don’t think he always used this information, but I think it would be incredibly important for him to know how to make someone feel loved, even if he didn’t always employ these methods (and in some cases, may have actively withheld certain kindnesses as acts of pettiness). I think it was also incredibly important for him to know Tony’s dislikes, for... obvious reasons.

- As I said before, I think Ty had a tendency to become terribly dysregulated; I think he was more than capable of both premeditated manipulation and unintentional manipulation. I think he very likely could have fallen into a spiral of thoughts that could make it pretty clear just how easily his self worth and his view of Tony’s worth fluctuated. 

- Tony’s just... a stronger person than Ty. That’s a given. That’s been proven. And I think a lot of Tony’s willingness to put up with Ty would have come from this idea that he was more resilient and Ty was more fragile and volatile, so if Ty needed to take shit out on him every so often, that was fair enough.

- Another factor that may have played into Tony’s tolerance of Ty’s behavior in their youth (which, again, wasn’t nearly as awful as what Ty did as a grown ass man, given how Tony responded to Ty post-Dreamvision and how he pretty much immediately broke things off-- though, I very much enjoy the concept of Tony making some effort to make amends and Ty failing to meet him in the middle yet again) could have been the fact that it feels like Ty probably didn’t have a lot of other friends at all, especially not close friends. I think Tony would very much carry the weight of this “Maybe I’m the only person in the world who loves him” mindset. He values human life quite a bit, and I believe that even on a less intimate scale, if Tony tried to view the situation through the perspective of an outsider, he would still feel terribly, terribly saddened by the very human tragedy of being forced to take more than you can reasonably handle and becoming difficult to redeem as a result of this-- not because there’s no good left in you, but because you’re so frightened by the idea of even touching the trauma that you can’t force yourself to acknowledge you have a problem to begin with.

- I don’t think Ty feels the same comfort and warmth from physical contact that most people do, not because of anything innate (i.e. a natural preference), but because the only physical contact he received for a long, long time was, uh... Awful! That being said, I think he enjoys physical contact on the basis of being the center of attention, and he probably initiated physical contact quite a bit. I think Tony’s very big on physical contact, and Ty would very much play into Tony’s preferences here, too. Just to make himself seem like a better, more attentive boyf.

- This one is less tragic-- I think Ty and Tony get pretentious together! While I adore in-canon comparisons between Tony and the rest of high society, I also think a long-forgotten part of Tony’s character in fanon is the fact that he really does fit in with a more yacht-having crowd just as much as he fits in with your average Joes. He was raised by them and with them, after all, and his education was shaped by this. Of course he doesn’t love a lot of the culture around it, but with regards to the more harmless aspects of being a privileged kid in the environment he was in (the experiences one might have that aren’t inherently negative, that is, like having certain extracurriculars or being exposed to certain educational content), I think Ty and Tony really mesh here. Tony’s sense of humor with Ty would be totally different from his sense of humor with someone like Steve, which would also be totally different from his sense of humor with someone like Rumiko. Tony’s incredibly well-rounded, and I think he could match Ty’s Classics-loving, borderline classical theater kid tendencies very well.

- This one is 100% headcanon, based on virtually nothing other than, like, one comic panel... that isn’t even awesome evidence. It’s just a personal hc. I think Ty’s gay. Like, obviously, he’s gay for Tony, w/e. But I think Ty’s gay as in, Ty is exclusively attracted to men. The only women he ever had eyes for (or showed interest in) were the women that Tony had shown interest in/dated first, implying that there’s more of a possessive/competitive aspect than anything really... genuine. Of course, that doesn’t mean he can’t be bi, pan, or anything else (or straight, obviously, but this whole post is about him and a guy he likes to fuck, so that doesn’t really fit into the theme, here), but I prefer to write him as someone who’s only really interested in men (Tony specifically), and I prefer to write Tony as a bisexual man with a preference for women. This wasn’t really intended to be a big contrast between them; I had the headcanon for Tony already set in stone (haha), and for a long while I wrote Ty as a bi man, but recently I’ve kind of shifted things around to better accommodate my feelings about these characters.

- I love, love, love tattooed Ty. Get this man a quote in Latin on the base of his neck. Get this man some symbolic tattoos. Let this man be a poet who simultaneously wants to appear profound for appearances and wants to have these symbols on his body just because he likes them, and he likes to look at them, and they feel reflective of who he is. I have very specific Ty tattoo thoughts that I do not remember at all, but this is the gist of it.

- I think Ty handles the “normal” adventurous stuff, but he’s far more of a, uh... I don’t know, a pussy? than Tony is. Tony deals with actual threats; Ty deals with fake, stupid threats. Ty is the guy who rids the dorms of cockroaches when Tony’s too afraid to and Tony is the guy who handles home invasions.

- I think the vast majority of Ty’s abuse is emotional/psychological, not only because this is what comes most naturally to him and it’s easy for him to fall into these manipulative tendencies without necessarily thinking about it, but also because physical abuse would cross a line for him in his head that would be very difficult to ignore. I think, if you take into consideration how volatile he seems, his flip-flopping back and forth between how he feels about both himself and Tony could become more exaggerated and more severe, possibly leading to an irreversible breakdown of his psyche. I think there could very well be an, “Oh, I’ve become my father” moment if that were to happen, which is exactly why it doesn’t happen. Ty’s too wrapped up in this idea that, so long as he doesn’t cross that line, everything he does can still be justified. Which is garbage.

- Tiberius did not like Sunset Bain. Sunset Bain did not like Tiberius. 

There’s a lot more that comes to mind, but this is already upwards of 30 paragraphs, and I, uh. Do not want to make this longer than it already is! So, do with that what you will.

Again, obligatory note here that this is canon-adjacent and canon-inspired, but not an analysis of canon material in the sense that I’m attempting to pick apart what the intents of the writers were. What canon provides is much more straightforward. These are headcanons, this is for funsies, and a lot of less important background details have been tweaked for the sake of the narratives that I, as a fanfic writer, would like to write and see written.

Thank you so much for the ask! This was legitimately so nice to write. I rarely ever get to spam about this, which is very likely why there’s just so much text every time I receive an ask like this, but. Again, it was very nice and I’m very grateful for you, anon.

[digitalworldbound]

29 for the prompt challenge with Koumi (I can't stop with them haha) 😁

Number 29: “Come over here and make me.”

Characters: Koushiro/Mimi. For once, Koushiro has the upper hand and is very courageous (Mimi’s attitude must have rubbed off on him.). I know how much you love Koumi, so I really hope you like this.

Send me a prompt if you wanna!

It had been a gradual development, their friendship. Sunny afternoons, tempting with their promise of warmth and freedom, were spent in an air-conditioned office, tidying and talking. Mimi had grown accustomed to the sound of fingers meticulously typing, the muffled clicking having lulled her to sleep on many occasions. Initially, she could feel the annoyance roll of his shoulders every time she would waltz into his workspace, distraction tugging at her sleeves. The change in attitude had been subtle, as most things with Koushiro were, but her smiles were always rewarded with a pair of flushed cheeks, and she took that as a cue to come back the next day.

The autumnal winds came, and with them, the sense of familiarity. Pumpkin-spiced lattes become privy to hours of private conversation in a coffee shop where the barista knew them by name. Conversation flowed, ever restless, as if they were trying to fit a lifetime of words into an afternoon. Mimi never tired of it. ‘It’s peculiar,’ she thought, ‘that I miss him even though he is right in front of me.’ He no longer became flustered at the sight of her, embarrassment fading into something softer: contentment, perhaps? For once, Koushiro’s need to label his emotions laid dormant, afraid to ruin a friendship so precious and dear to him.

“You know, Kou-kun, you wouldn’t be so hungry if you would just eat the food in front of you.” Mimi stated, honey-eyes sweet and teasing. The first time she referred to him so casually, he choked. That first day, a lowering sun painted the sky with its brush: creamy oranges mingled with bright pinks, and her laughter reminded him of the tinkling bells of Christmas time. As of late, he had grown accustomed to his nickname, pride and happiness swirling around in his stomach at the though of Mimi thinking so fondly of him.

He did not blush at her comment, nor did he become the stammering, flustered boy he once was. Instead, he raised a singular eyebrow in unspoken challenge, long fingers wrapping themselves around his chopsticks to appease her. She rewarded him with a tight-lipped smile, her hands busying themselves with her coffee cup. Patiently waiting until the rim of her beverage was placed at the edge of her pink, glossy lips, Koushiro took his opportunity to strike. “Mimi-san,” he began, dark eyes lingering on her own, silently commanding her attention, “Green is a lovely color on you.”

The affect of such a bold statement was instantaneous. Her cheeks flushed the color of rose petals, her eyes, like pools of honey glimmering in sunshine, widened considerably. He must have shocked her if the coffee lodging itself in her airways was any indication. Suppressing his giggles proved to be difficult.  Mimi, usually oozing with confidence and poise, was reduced to something shy and timid under his gaze. It was a while before she could properly speak, but Koushiro was not one to waste time. His eyes followed the trembling of her fingers, studied the clamor of her coffee cup as it made reckless contact with the tabletop.  

He had taught himself to recognize patterns (of code, of distortion, of behavior), and a small hypothesis was clawing at his subconscious: there was the slightest possibility that he affected Mimi just as she affected him. Every hypothesis deserved trial, a twisted experiment of sorts. Her breathing was beginning to lull, albeit her cheeks still stained with embarrassment. A strange sort of courage seemed to seep into his veins, and his thoughts, running rampant with theories until now, settled.

“The blush looks nice, too.”

A stray sunray filtered through the bistro’s window, scattering bits of the rainbow across their shared table. Their knees would be touching, but they continued to dance around each other, inching forward, drawn to one another, but never quite closing the distance. Mimi’s mouth hung open, glossed lips separated by her brief exhale of disbelief. “Koushrio-san,” she managed, her look of incredulousness giving him curious satisfaction, “something has gotten into you today. You can’t just go around saying things like that to girls! They may think you-” her monologue was cut short in its infancy, the red-haired boy’s chuckle effectively distracting her. Leaning forward in his seat, Koushiro carefully placed his forearms on his thighs, his attempt at bridging the gap between them without making his companion uncomfortable. He titled his heads upwards in a way that he has only seen Yamato do, head cocked slightly to the right, dark eyes wistfully staring into hers.

Any good scientist knows that an experiment must be multifaceted to ensure accurate results, and Koushiro had always thought himself as thorough. “Think I what? Like them?” he finished on her behalf, chuckling at her startled expression. “I mean,” he continued, righting himself in his chair, “that would be a probable conclusion, given the circumstances.” Whatever burst of bravery he had been gifted quickly evaporated from his bloodstream, shocking himself with his statement. Even he, as dense and oblivious as they come, could hear the blatant implications of his words. Koushiro allowed the mindless chatter of the patrons to wrap around his limbs, stilling himself for the inevitable rejection. There was little evidence to prove that girls like Mimi, breathtakingly sincere, breathtakingly beautiful, would willingly spend time with a boy as awkward and stand-offish as he. ‘But here she is,’ his mind seemed to comfort him, ‘Here’s where she’s always been.’

She continued to look at him, her eyes twinkling with mirth. He clutched at his chopsticks once more, tentatively biting into his meal, not quite tasting its flavor. Gaze averted, he focused his attention on the people passing by, one ear trained on the hitch of his friend’s breath. Mimi, for her credit, diffused the what-would-have-been awkward situation with ease. Her brunette hair glinted in the sunlight as she tossed it over her shoulder. “Kou-kun!” playfulness threading its way into her words. “If I didn’t know you so well, I would tell you to hush.” She laughed in her simple, two-syllable way. Her cheeks were still that glorious shade of pink, and her fingers shook as she fidgeted with the Styrofoam cup in front of her. It was a cue of sorts, and for the sake of science, Koushrio took it.

Leaning back into the cushion of his chair, he only offered her a small, reserved smile. “Come over here and make me.”

[aethelflaed93]

Did you think, after all this time, I would let it hurt?

There were plenty of things about the series as a whole, and the final episode, that I did enjoy (critically, of course!), and in the interest of balance, this is one of them.

For my part, Dracula being shown to himself by Agatha/Zoe was a good deal more satisfying than a stake-in-the-heart finale. As with much to do with this last installment, there wasn't enough leg work undertaken that allowed the fullest and, therefore, proper execution of the matter, but it seemed to me that the idea itself was just intuitive enough to permit the viewer to pick up the slack. (Though, one rather wishes that that wasn't necessary).

Agatha/Zoe finally catches Dracula out when she identifies his inadequacies (as he perceives them) as a man: raised in a cultural milieu that valorised the performance of manhood through martial violence and meaningful death on the battlefield ("you were a warrior"), he has been unable to satisfactorily follow this trajectory because of (what was, presumably, unlooked for) immortality. He has internalised this shame with such conviction and severity, that a full and meaningful death has become to him an abject fear of mortal demise in any form that is neither useful to him nor, literally, to his taste.

Internalised controls become beliefs become externalised behaviours: he cannot disobey the legendary interdictions because he thinks, believes, he cannot. A metaphor for masculinity, indeed. Agatha/Zoe breaks the circuit for him: their exchange over this issue should have been longer and deeper. (See below).

Having a romantically inclined woman be the source of a male character's (implicitly unearned) self-development and/or "rescue" is cliché, trite and hangs everything on shifting emotional labour (quelle surprise) onto the shoulders of the woman. I don't think this was quite that.

Firstly, it didn't seem to me that Dracula was rescued or redeemed: he remained ultimately selfish, taking what he wanted from another person in order to serve himself. He used Zoe's body to commit suicide, even though she effectively saved him.

(Contrariwise, the writing team really needed to sort out the rules and regulations of vampire lore: an insistence on the inability to commit suicide is overturned here (one might infer that all rules are null, including that of self-destruction, but this doesn't quite hold up) and there's no adequate explanation as to why Lucy should have been trapped in her burnt state. Why could she not feed and regenerate, as Dracula had done, when both age and injury caused damage to his body? This is one of the messy technical elements that required greater consistency).

Secondly, their relationship wasn't, I would argue, romantic. Neither Zoe nor Agatha were friends to him, nor were they lovers. They were/she was an antagonist about whom he came to experience care. His observation about her being in pain and the lingering gaze of the Dracula-focalised camerawork on her in the last scene were signposts that he had come to think (somewhat, for him) conscientiously about her. His conversation with the abused housewife at the top of the episode was also, I'd conjecture, a way of beginning to demonstrate that Dracula is, or is becoming, capable of articulating at least potential connection between violent action and altruistic outcome -- even if at that stage, altruism has no real purpose for him. His glimmers of self-reflection (pardon the pun) are glimmers of change in him.

(Zoe, notably, was less contemptuous, less confrontational, and more desirous of seeing humanity in him than Agatha, and this was what made Zoe necessary. His submerged but increasingly apparent form of care for her/them, however, was, as many things, rushed. He was ready to kick the bucket from beneath Agatha's feet and watch her choke in the Demeter episode; his turnaround in the final installment is explicable but rather precipitate).

In any case, it is for the first time that Dracula engages in a transaction that isn't entirely a one-way deal. He uses the erotic dream-state one last time, not as a weapon, but as a salve. She was dying with or without his intervention, and so he calls a halt to her pain. Eroticism is, characteristically, misdirection, and, crucially, it is anaesthetic. This is also the only scene in which he has been naked since the convent gate spectacle: he has been stripped/has willingly let himself be stripped, and only Zoe/Agatha could have done it.

She teaches him to meet death with calm acceptance: the implication of her accusing him of cowardice is that he has been unconsciously self-governing through an outdated form of masculinity. This scene didn't chase that down, and a conversation about change, about his relationship to time, his understanding of himself (something, anything!) could have occurred, given that he asserts on the beach, somewhat ironically, as it turns out, that his age means he is used to the ebb and flow of alteration. (And, indeed, given his self-aware fin-de-siecle campiness in the first episode particularly. He has not, presumably, always been thus).

The story turns out to have been about Dracula and Agatha, and latterly, Zoe-as-Agatha/Agatha-as-Zoe all along -- which in itself was a fine idea. It wasn't handled as deftly as one would have liked. That we were wrong-footed about Jonathan's importance I rather appreciated: pursuing a fresh angle on a much told tale is one of the soundest rationales for further adapations. (That we were sold a variety of absolute stinkers with Mina, Jack and Lucy, and the Harker foundation, was less welcome).

[kitcat992]

The struggle of moving on (and how Endgame failed at conveying its message)

Yep, I’m standing on my soapbox again. The multitude of errors within Avengers: Endgame are slowly processing in my mind and I feel a need to discuss them as they arise.

One of the many things I found most relatable about Steve Rogers story within the MCU was his constant struggle to move on. We got to witness his story first-hand with Captain America: The First Avenger, a bittersweet love story containing both his first -- and only -- romantic love, as well as his best friend. Coming out of the ice after 70 years in Avengers (Assemble) portrayed a lost, broken, and astray man who wasn’t sure what else to do with his life besides the one thing he knew how to do best: Fight.

This narrative was continued in The Winter Solider, showing that 2 years had passed since the Battle of New York, where Steve was spending his time working with SHIELD in his personal attempt at finding purpose for his life. Fighting the good fight was what he knew best, what he did best. We see him accumulating to this new world of the 21st century, and he’s actively pursing ways to adjust, shown with his little notepad and his eagerness to write down Sam’s suggestions at music.

But he’s hindered by a roadblock: Bucky. The arrival of The Winter Solider and the subsequent knowledge of what had happened to Bucky tears him apart, and he finds himself passionate and albeit reckless to get that part of his life back.

I think we can all relate to that; we like returning to things that make us comfortable, things we’re familiar with. This is common after big life changes as well, when you move to a new city/country or lose relationships or family members that held a part of your identity. You cling to what you can that feels safe and familiar, whether that be a TV show you’ve seen five hundred times over or a song you’ve listened to time and time again.

For Steve, that became Bucky. He never stopped living his life in the 21st century, but he fought the best he could to get that familiarity back. His safety blanket, if you will. It was within his grasp, after all. While he went to extreme levels to get that part of his life back (Civil War) it’s still a relatable aspect that makes him human.

Even without Bucky, Steve found a purpose for his life to fight the battles that needed to be won. He discovered a part of himself in Age of Ultron; “A wife and kids...that man went into the ice 75 years ago. Someone else came out,” he says, viewing his surroundings of the New Avengers compound. The soldiers running by glimmer in his eyes and he gives a small smile. “I’m home now.”

We all have major life changes happen to us, at one point or another. We become different people. It’s rare to find someone so stagnant in their life that they can say they’re the same exact individual they were 10 years ago. And while we hold certain morals, standards and traits to ourselves that we feel make us who we are, along the way our desires and goals change. That happens to Steve Rogers along his narrative in the MCU. He went from a man in the 1940′s longing for a wife and kids and a white picket fence to a Captain willing to train and lead soldiers into battle.

He even gets Bucky back, sends him to Wakanda for help, and lets him be. We don’t see him clinging to Bucky’s side, nay in fact. Bucky is moving on himself, the White Wolf of Wakanda, finding peace in the country land. If Steve Rogers had shown the unhealthy behavior of never leaving Bucky alone, it would contradict his narrative of moving forward as the man he had become. And while he may have been on the run from the government, he still pushed forward. He still had his identity.

For some reason beyond my understanding, this message was greatly warped and twisted within Avengers: Endgame. We see that 5 years following The Decimation, Steve Rogers is taking a chapter out of Sam’s book in holding support groups for those that need it. These individuals are seeking help for their inability to move on from their loved ones who got dusted. Steve tells him, “We need to move on. The world is in our hands...its up to us now.”

But he tells Natasha the truth. “Some of us move on...but not us.” We think this is in reference to The Decimation, those who were dusted and are gone. And while we see Steve look at his locket every so often in each of his movies, glancing at that black and white photo of Peggy Carter, we’re led to believe it’s more as an attempt to gain strength. Her picture reminds him to be strong, gives him the courage to take that next step.

This is also something I think the audience can relate to -- we all have a lost loved one that, though we miss them greatly and would gladly take them back into our lives, we know/accept that they’re gone and we look to them for strength to get through the day.

The most frustrating aspect of Avengers: Endgame and the usage of Peggy Carter within Steve’s narrative is that it completely erased the many steps he’s taken in his previous films. Steve Rogers would spend time with an elderly  Peggy Carter who suffered from dementia, and ultimately he buried her body and said his goodbye. No one said this was easy for him; it was once again saying goodbye to that part of his life.

One could even say that’s why he fought all the harder for Bucky; he was clinging to what little he had left. “Even when I had nothing...I had Bucky.” But returning to that, once he got Bucky back he let him be. I’m sure visits were had, I’m sure they kept in touch, but he didn’t actively cling to Bucky and I don’t believe he would have even if he hadn’t been on the run.

Not to mention -- and as much as I and the fandom do not like to think about this moment -- he even goes on to have a kiss with Sharon Carter. I’m not sure if it’s ever explicitly said, but I’m pretty sure that’s only the second woman he’s ever kissed in his life. It’s a clear sign that Steve Rogers is moving on.

So while Avengers: Endgame played up a message of “some of us move on, but not us,” we are tricked into believing Steve is referring to The Decimation. To Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes and even T’Challa. To all those dusted. But little aspects of Peggy Carter begin to sprinkle throughout the film that makes us question...what’s exactly going through Steve’s head? He looked at Peggy’s photo before killing 2018 Thanos; we’re used to that, he’s using her for his strength. But then he lingers when he sees her in the year 1970, staring through the glass with an longing expression of lost love.

By the end of the film, we realize quickly that we were lied to. The narrative of “some of us move on, but not us,” was never referring to the Decimation. It was the erasure of 6 Captain America movies and the character development written for Steve Rogers. A man we were under the impression had moved on from Peggy Carter, especially once discovering she had lived a long, fulfilling life without him -- a husband, kids, grand-kids, a very successful career at Shield -- he had actually been hung up on this woman he knew for less than 3 years. So much so that he ceases the opportunity of time travel to live a long 80some years with her.

That’s right. Steve Rogers was sent on a mission to return the infinity stones to their proper place in time and stayed around so he could marry Peggy Carter.

I’m not going to lie, this isn’t explicitly said in the film. Sam goes to shake Joe Biden’s Steve Rogers hand and notices the wedding ring. He asks, “Wanna tell me about her?” to which Steve smirks and says, “No. No, I don’t think I will.” However, the narrative lays heavy implication who it was, by fading into the next scene of Steve dancing with Peggy Carter in her home. So, if he didn’t marry her, he did marry someone else and then went to spend his free time dancing with Peggy...I’m not sure which is worse.

Listen, this message sent to audiences is simply insulting on many different levels. It’s years worth of character development thrown out the window for Hollywood’s stereotypical "relationship happy ending.” Especially considering Steve Rogers, a man who found purpose only in winning the fights that needed to be fought, was reduced to a needy man who couldn’t survive without a woman.

It goes without saying that the audience expected Steve to die. But why? Some people say that “well, SOMEONE needed to die. It’s Endgame, after all.” But those who understood Steve’s narrative knew the real purpose behind it: Steve was a man out of his time, he lived for the battles and he wanted nothing more than peace for the world. We see that in The First Avenger, as he lets his ship crash to save everyone else. It was HIM who was destined for that sacrifice of the final snap, if not something else entirely.

Avengers: Endgame was practically a love letter to Steve Rogers, one that had him finally worthy to wield Mjonlir and to call upon hundreds of Avengers as their Captain: “Avengers....Assemble!” He had finally truly become Captain America again, and not just to the original Avengers, but to so many others.

His story had been told. His life had served its purpose. His ending was in sight.

The audience/fans predicted that because it was written in the stars. Prediction is NOT a bad thing, it merely means the story is heading on the right path. It means the narrative is being so well told that if people are still watching, its because they know an ending is in sight that they want to witness. To see The Russo Brothers/Kevin Feige/MCU take a hard left and give that ending to Tony Stark...it absolutely destroys years worth of collective narrative.

But more than that, it sends a tainted message. It says “You’ll never move on. Don’t try. Just go get that Hollywood happy ending, because you won’t be happy without it.” It sends an unhealthy message, that you’ll never be happy without a romantic partner, no matter how hard you try to move on, how many years you spend moving on.

Some fans are saying Steve Rogers finally got his happy ending. I mean, yes, that’s what the writers wrote for him. But Steve had said time and time again he was not fit for such a life.

Steve: A family...stability...the guy who wanted all that went in the ice 75 years ago. I think someone else came out.

Tony: You alright?

Steve: I’m home.

Its truly a shame Steve was not the one to die on the land that he once called his home. Its even worse that he backpedaled and regressed so hard with that decision to stay back in time with Peggy, disrespecting the life she had built having actually moved on from him. As a woman, I do not find this ending romantic in the least bit. If I were Peggy Carter, I would never want this to be done to my life.

And that’s why Avengers: Endgame is #notmycap

[takerfoxx]

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, Season 3 FINALE, First Impressions.

=slowly sits down with my head in my hands=

=heavy sigh=

All right.

Let’s do this.

When we last left Adora, she had been instructed to “go back to the beginning” without really knowing what that means. But first she took a detour (with Madam Razz’s blessing) to go get Glimmer and Bow first. And when she arrived.

Oh. Oh no...

At first I thought reality had molded itself exclusively into what Catra wants. But now we see that it was doing it everything, creating a superficially perfect world. And in Glimmer’s perfect world, she has a wonderful relationship with her mother, Bow is still around but working as an apprentice historian (which, uh, raises...questions), and...

...um...

...and her father is still alive.

We finally meet King Micah, and he is every bit the loving and supportive father and husband he’s been made out to be. I was already steeling myself to be emotionally ravaged by this episode, but that got me. And it goes back to what I’ve said a hundred times before: execution is everything. I’ve seen this trope so many times, where a main character wakes in an alternate reality that’s happier than the one they’ve known, usually complete with a happy relationship with an absent parent. And normally it doesn’t do anything for me, but because this show had worked so hard to make me care about these characters, seeing King Micah there with his wife and daughter...it got to me. And it’s interesting to note that the “perfect” reality is constantly remodeling itself. When Adora was in the Fright Zone, the invasion was well underway with her having led the attack on Thaymor that we saw in the pilot and they were all gearing up to go after Mermista. But since the Fright Zone had been consumed by the collapse, the invasion had never even happened, and those in Brightmoon didn’t even know what the Horde was.

Unfortunately the collapse is still underway, and it comes to Brightmoon. Fortunately Glimmer and Bow come to believe Adora and they make their way to go see Entrapta for advice, but not before Glimmer’s home is destroyed, and not before Angella remembers who she is and has to say goodbye to Micah for the second time. What makes it worse is the heavy implication that this Micah isn’t some illusion conjured up to make her and Glimmer happy, but might be the actual Micah, returned from the dead. He seems to actually remember everything for himself and realize what’s going on...mere seconds before he’s consumed. 

Fuck.

Anyway, reality starts really breaking down then, and the BFS start getting shuffled around from place to place at lightning speed, all the while watching people they care about disappear. Fortunately, Entrapta lasts long enough to let them know that not only is reality collapsing around them, but it’s following Adora specifically since it was her sword that opened the portal. That’s why different places don’t seem to fall apart until she goes there. Entrapta also let’s them know how to bring things back to normal: they need to find Adora’s sword. Unfortunately, doing to will force whoever removes the sword from the portal to stay behind. When I heard that, I knew.

And well, they set off to do just that, but by then things have already gone too far. Reality is now truly fucked, cycling them through space and time. We see the old Etheria before it was removed from the universe. We finally meet Mara, hundreds of years in the past.

And we watch Bow and Glimmer disappear as well.

Yeah, I knew they were coming back, but by then I was so wrapped up in what was going on that it utterly destroyed me.

But Adora isn’t allowed time to grieve, because the long-awaited confrontation has finally come. Catra has found her, and she is so obsessed in denying Adora any sort of victory that she’ll gladly let time and space collapse in on itself and kill them all if it means that Adora loses.

Their battle through various various places we’ve visited throughout the show is in many ways a follow-up to The Promise, which was probably my favorite episode in the first season. They used to be so close, but now things have gone too far, and their relationship is all but unsalvageable. 

It’s then that Adora finally realizes that she can’t save her former best friend. Catra’s just too far gone. And as much as I love Catra and really do want her to find some measure of peace, Adora snapping back that no, she’s not the one to blame for how Catra turned out and punching her with an emphatic, “You made your choice! Now live with it!” was incredibly satisfying. Because she’s right. No, what happened to Catra wasn’t her fault, but ultimately she has to start taking responsibility for her own actions and stop blaming everyone else.

Well, Shadow Weaver could still stand to shoulder a good chunk of that blame...

And then we get to that scene. 

Well, you’re not wrong. And in the wise words of one of my childhood heroes...

I mean, I called it, didn’t I? I knew that the big tragic event was coming, and while I only figured out that it would be Angella, I still figured it out. But even though I saw it coming, even though I had time to brace myself, it still...

...

Fuck it.

Look, I have a very...complicated relationship with my parents. My dad is pretty mentally ill. At the very least he’s bipolar, and probably has several other things wrong with him too, causing him to be subject to sudden and extreme mood swings and paranoid thoughts. On top of it, he badly hurt his back when I was a kid which has left him in constant pain to this day, and what little details I’ve heard of his own childhood has painted him as being a damaged abuse survivor (sounds like someone else I know). As for my mom, well, she’s kind of like me, only a little less so. She’s a bit on the spectrum herself, and I’m pretty sure that even if she’s not outright aromantic, then she’s pretty damned close, and she has her own shit from her own past to work through. As such, he went into marriage looking for love, companionship, and support, while she was just getting married because she felt it was the thing to do, and she also wanted kids.

So while I’m glad that my brother, my sister, and I were brought into the world as a result, it’s clear that they never should have gotten together. Their relationship was constantly toxic and often mutually abusive, moreso on my dad’s end. And when you’re an autistic kid craving a stable and predictable environment growing up in a house that was anything but, when an offhand comment is perfectly fine one day but grounds for a full-on blow up the next, well, it’s...not exactly ideal. I was never physically or sexually abused or something like that, but one day he could be the goofiest, friendliest person in the world and the next one tiny joke will set him off. I mean, it wasn’t all bad. Hell, some of it was pretty great. He really did try to be a good father, and we shared a lot of the same interests, but he was a broken man in so many ways, battling demons that were just stronger than he was.

Anyway, they finally divorced when I was eighteen, and while that was pretty volatile, that was when I finally started to break out of my shell and develop into being my own person. Since then I’ve developed much healthier relationships with both of them. My mom and I have always gotten along great despite us sharing very few interests and having polar opposite political beliefs, and I still stop by to visit every other week to go to the movies or whatever. As for my dad, well, time, distance, and reflection have helped me to understand him better. I always knew that he truly does love us and was trying his best to be a good father, but he was sick and in constant conflict with his mind, with his body, and with his marriage. Nothing ever seemed to work out for him, and it got to him. But I’ll never forget this one story my mom told me about how soon after he had broken his back and lost his job as a result he would force himself to walk to job interviews despite being in so much pain that he could barely cross the parking lot, just because he felt that he had to provide for his family. I’ll always respect that about him, and while it doesn’t excuse the way he would often treat us when his demons took control, I understand him much better, and I pity him more than I resent him.

So, all of that big, long personal tangent to say this: I kind of am a sucker for stories about parental figures who are deeply flawed but do genuinely love their children and just work so hard to do right by them even if they don’t really understand how. 

I bawled at the end of Logan despite not really being a big Wolverine fan. Yondu’s funeral in Guardians of the Galaxy 2 is probably the only time a Marvel movie made me tear up. Brave might be considered one of the lesser Pixar movies, it will always be one of my favorites. 

Angella had been devastated by the loss of Micah, and that made her terrified of losing anyone else. It’s what caused the rift between her and her daughter. It’s what made her too scared to act. But despite labeling herself as a coward, she ultimately performed the bravest act, willingly laying down her life in order to save Etheria while trusting her daughter’s safety to Adora. 

Oh, Angella, you were the bravest one of us. I hope that wherever you are now, you found Micah there waiting for you.

The portal is closed, and reality is restored. But there is plenty of damage to go around. That glare that Adora shoots Catra tell volumes about how their relationship is now. And just that sad look on Hordak’s face as he touches the stone (which bears the run for Loved in First Ones’ Language!) in the armor Entrapta made for him also said so much. You know, I never considered the idea that an evil overlord might have some kind of redemption story. Those are usually reserved for rivals like Catra or good-hearted minions like Entrapta. But if they go that route...I’m not at all opposed. At the very least he has a very compelling character arc, and I really do hope he and Entrapta reunite.

Also, while I am okay with Shadow Weaver working for the good guys now, I hope she’s not let off the hook for all the pain she’s caused. Catra’s wrong about a lot of things, but she is right about how it’s messed up that Shadow Weaver just gets to be one of the good guys after all she’s done. Still, I trust this show to handle it right.

But poor, poor Glimmer. She’s the queen now! She’s the head of the Rebellion! She finally got what she wanted, but in the worst possible way.

And as for that stinger...shit. Reality might have been saved, but Hordak succeeded in getting his message out. And now Horde Prime is coming, and he’s bringing the Horde, the real Horde with him

Well, I guess that wraps that up. I’m all caught up with the show and it’s about halfway through its planned run. Thank you so much to everyone to pushed me into watching this show, I thoroughly loved it. Now we wait together.

[feebtastic]

On Rose: Finn, the Stormtroopers & Reylo

Let’s me start by saying how much I love Rose Tico and the qualities she represents. Kelly Marie Tran did such a phenomenal job in the film, making me fall in love with this character at first sight. Down to earth, fierce and compassionate, Rose is above all devoted to the cause to fight against the FO, not to become a hero but to do the right thing. Rose’s dedication to the Resistance and her fighting spirit are her greatest strengths.  

I was therefore especially happy to get more of her thoughts and feelings in Jason Fry’s novelization. There’s one particular passage that I really love and wish to explore here:

“Rose didn’t know what to think about the fact that a man trained to be a First Order stormtrooper could be innocent enough to assume a feral, unapologetic thief actually owned a fancy yacht. She supposed it made her feel simultaneously better and worse about the galaxy. On the one hand, maybe there were painfully naïve young men behind many more of those expressionless, skull-like helmets—lost boys who’d never been allowed to have so much as their own name. On the other hand, battalions made up of those lost boys had destroyed Rose’s homeworld and so many others. How much more ruin and misery would they inflict on the galaxy? How many more people would they rob of loved ones? Rose had never heard of another First Order stormtrooper shaking off his brainwashing and refusing to carry out the murderous orders he’d been given. Maybe Finn was the only one.”

Chapter 22, Jason Fry. “The Last Jedi: Expanded Edition.

The line “She supposed it made her feel simultaneously better and worse about the galaxy” initially puzzled me a bit. Rose sure has lots of reasons to feel worse about the galaxy but what makes her feel better? And it’s not only about Finn. Let’s break down this excerpt and consider what it means for Finnrose and even Reylo in Ep. IX.

I. On Rose and the Stormtroopers

Firstly, I love that her time spent with Finn has allowed Rose to consider something she might never have thought of before, that Stormtroopers could be ‘innocent’, ‘naive,’ and most of all, even ‘lost.’ Rose has witnessed the atrocities that the FO and their Stormtroopers had inflicted on her home planet. She must have heard of many other planets’ destruction since joining the Resistance. And before meeting Finn, these ST were probably just faceless monsters to her. These soldiers wear “expressionless, skull-like helmets”, embodying the death and devastation left in their wake. While recalling the exploitation she’d witness on Otomok, her home planet, Rose was “pale with anger”. But just as Rey has realized that beneath Kylo’s terrifying mask is a broken young man, a lost and terrified boy, Rose also realizes that there might be more ‘Finns’ in the FO. There might exist more “naive young men” who have not been allowed any kind of identity or knowledge beside what makes them “well-engineered cogs in [the FO’s] war machine, designed to further its murderous work.” (Chapter 24)

Secondly, the multiple use of ‘maybe’ suggests how tentative Rose’s thought is. She feels pity and sympathy for these troopers, these “lost boys (and girls) who’d never been allowed so much as their own name.” Would they not be considered victims of the FO as well? Kidnapped and brainwashed, would these Stormtroopers know any better than what has been drilled into them?

Perhaps the answer is no, Rose thinks, they wouldn’t know any better. Battalions of these troopers are inflicting “ruin and misery on the galaxy” after all. There’s also a sense of resignation in Rose’s last thought: how “she’s never heard of” another deserted trooper and so “maybe Finn was the only one.”

To me, Rose feels better about the galaxy because there might be Stormtroopers who are not inherently evil and murderous monsters, but lost boys whose minds have been twisted to do the FO’s bidding. She feels worse because these lost boys ARE following orders to kill, destroy & oppress.

More than that, I think Rose feels better because there’s a glimmer of hope in the form of Finn, who has somehow done the impossible and was able to escape the FO’s grueling conditioning. Finn represents the hope that goodness and humanity can survive against all odds, even against a system that was built to snuff out these qualities from its soldiers. But Rose also feels worse because there might ONLY EVER be Finn, a single Stormtrooper who could rebel against the system. Finn being an outlier, an exception is in that way both better and worse.

II. On Finnrose

The given excerpt is such an interesting addition because it demonstrates Rose’s character development in TLJ beyond her feelings for Finn, which we see more clearly in the film. Rose’s interactions with him have allowed her to rethink the human identities involved in the war, esp. those on the opposing side. Among all the characters who have interacted with Finn, Rose was the only one who wonders about the larger implication of Finn’s desertion. She questions, even only briefly, whether there are or could be more Finns out there. Maybe Finn was the only one who could break free from the FO on his own, but with the right catalysts, could more follow his steps?

The passage also shows how Rose is Finn’s most suitable counterpart in the Sequel trilogy. On the one hand, Rose is one of the more mature characters in the ST. Paired with her, Finn, who has been isolated from the outside world from birth, is able to learn and grow. In TLJ, Rose has shown Finn what she and the Resistance are fighting for: for freedom, against the injustice done to her home planet, for the oppressed and exploited across the galaxy. Finn thus gains reasons to stop running and join the fight. On the other hand, the learning doesn’t only go one way. Rose has also learned many things about the FO from Finn and not just from infiltrating the Supremacy, as was clear from the excerpt.  As a result, in IX, I expect Finn’s arc to be him finding a role in the revitalized Resistance. And Rose, with her own newly gained knowledge about the FO, could again work in tandem with Finn (under/alongside Poe) to help shape the Resistance’s strategies.

While Finn has mostly contributed his knowledge of key FO weapons and technologies to the Resistance in TFA and TLJ, I wonder if he would be able to supply even more powerful insights about the human elements within the FO going forward.

In the TLJ junior novelization, prior to his execution, Finn thought this:

If Finn was going to die now, at least he could rest well knowing he had tried to help his friends make a difference in the galaxy. He had only one regret. He wished he could have convinced other troopers to do the same.

Perhaps in IX, we’ll see Finn and Rose discuss the Stormtrooper program, Finn’s experience in it and how he wishes he had tried to convince other troopers to turn while on the Supremacy. It seems quite plausible then that Finn and Rose could together plan and realize a Stormtrooper rebellion from these musings. Finn’s intention has been shown above. And Rose’s thoughts in the excerpt that starts this post suggest that if Finn voices his intent in Ep. IX, Rose would be able to see where he’s coming from and understand the potential of that idea. While nothing much about a potential rebellion has been hinted at    within the first 2 films (beyond these tidbits in the novelizations), I believe that if he wants to, JJ can still pursue this storyline in next film.

III. On Rose and Reylo

Last but not least, I find that Finnrose and Reylo have more parallels than I’ve previously thought.

In TLJ, Rose is not only coming to terms with her own grief but also with the real person and motivation behind Finn’s hero image post Starkiller Base. Her initial hero worship of Finn was from a somewhat simplistic point of view, (just as Rey’s view of Kylo as a ‘murderous snake’ was.) Reality, Rose finds, is much more complicated. While his desire to take the beacon and flee (to save Rey) is not entirely selfish, Finn also hasn’t had a reason to join the Resistance cause. Though Finn had returned once to the FO to save his friend, all he wants to do at the start of TLJ is to continue his run since TFA, mostly out of fear. This fear is the result of his years in the FO, of having been disciplined and punished to elicit obedience, and of knowing the FO’s terrifying military capabilities. Knowing what he knows, the most realistic action is to run. Throughout the film (and the book), Rose gradually realizes that she needs to “give him a break”, that he might need time to really shake off the pernicious effects of his oppressive Master, to find the courage and desire to be in the fight, and to find his belonging.

“Maybe it hadn’t just been his infatuation with Rey that had driven him to flee, she thought—maybe he’d also been trying to escape unfamiliar surroundings in which he was alone and didn’t fit in.” (Chapter 24)

Isn’t this what Rey also realized about Ben after the throne room scene to an extent? That the choice to turn and what to do after that turn is a complicated and difficult one?

“Luke’s error had been to assume that Ben Solo’s future was predetermined—that his choice had been made. Her error had been to assume that Kylo Ren’s choice was simple—that turning on Snoke was the same as rejecting the pull of the darkness.” (Chap. 29) (or the same as joining the Resistance)

While both Finn and Kylo had done the right things, the selfless things at some point (Finn helping the Resistance on SB and even with the Canto Bight mission, Kylo killing Snoke), they were not ready to immediately join a new cause or to change their long-held paths. But as I’ve described above, both Rey and Rose see the glimmer of hope and the goodness within both men. Similar to how Finn still retains a good heart despite all his Stormtrooper training, it is incredible that Kylo still feels compassion for Rey (and Finn at the beginning of TFA), remorse after Han’s death, and love for his mother. Even after a lifetime of manipulation and abuse by Snoke. Although Finn and Kylo are surely at different stages of their journey, I believe the parallels are there. While Finn was able to escape the FO in TFA, the shadow of what he endured as a Stormtrooper remains with him long after. It was only with time, others’ help and inspiration that Finn realizes the cause he truly believes in and find the strength & courage to fight for it.

And so will Ben Solo.

Many have said that Rose will be one of the first people to understand Rey and Kylo’s connection and Rey’s belief in Kylo’s goodness, and I wholeheartedly agree. Rose’d definitely know what it means to focus on saving those one loves, rather than just destroying the things one hates. Not only that, given the above excerpts, it is also clear that after TLJ, Rose has gained a more complex understanding of her enemies. There’ll surely be ruthless and remorseless individuals in the FO, like Hux or Phasma. But there might exist lost boys (and girls), who are killing, hurting because of years of manipulation & conditioning. Finn’s escape represents the hope that perhaps all is not lost. Finally, I think Rose will also understand that not everyone can make the right and selfless choice all at once, or all the time, even if that choice comes more naturally to others. Even if there’s goodness in someone, it might take time for them to choose to follow the hard path or the right cause.

All in all, Finn and Rose’s individual development and dynamics in TLJ are some of my favorite things about the film. Their relationship, though not as angst-filled and brimming with sexual/romantic tension like Rey and Kylo, still presents some of the most interesting ideas and concepts in the Sequel Trilogy. If Reylo has the epic trappings and mystery of the Force, Finnrose deals with the war in Star Wars on a more on-the-ground level, where troops and technicians dwell. However, both represent themes about hope, faith in love and in the goodness of others.

Just some of my thoughts. What do you think? How are you imagining Finn and Rose’s arcs in IX? What’s your wishlist for these two?

[sol1056]

tbh season 5 kind of made me rescind any prior sympathies i had for lance's insecurities since at this point it seems like he's just going to behave the exact same way towards any man he perceives as more 'successful' than him in any way. first keith, now lotor. i felt s3 was him growing past it but now it seems more like that was *just* him putting it aside for the functionality of the team not actually him getting over his fragile ego. & his ego only marginally improved via Getting Sword.

Good point about Lance latching onto quasi-opponents. That said… if I put my writing hat on, the characterization doesn’t actually make a lot of sense. 

In a story with multiple protagonists, it makes for a more interesting story if not everyone agrees on the methods; if they do agree on the methods, then let them conflict on the goal. Tension becomes conflict when the disagreement lies not in methods nor goals but in simple dislike. Yes, characters – like people – will not always like each other. But the ultimate test is: how does this interaction push the story forward? 

In real life, shit happens. In fiction, shit must have a reason. 

A caveat: I rarely dislike characters, so long as they serve a purpose in the story. I can be disinterested, but that’s not the same thing. I prefer to put any blame where it belongs, on the creators who believed this kind of character is worth my time. Because the way Lance is written, he’s not. 

So. How could we make Lance dislike Keith and Lotor, and it not seem like it’s a figment of Lance’s delicate ego?

Well, for starters, have Lance actually have a reason for his dislike, and have that reason turn out to be valid. 

Say Lance doesn’t see Keith as a rival pilot, but someone unreliable. Someone you can’t really trust, because he’ll flake out at the first spot of trouble. He quit school, after all, left his previous team in the lurch, etc. When Keith’s revealed as Galra, the implication is that Lance had been onto something – that Keith isn’t fully human – but by having Lance come around to believing he and Keith make a good team, the ‘maybe Lance was right’ gets set aside. 

Then here comes Lotor, and Lance is again on-guard. But have him call it out (the self-awareness showing his development), and now we have a great internal tension: he was proven wrong before, after all. And this time, have Lotor do exactly as Lance has talked himself out of suspecting. 

That would be pushing the story forward, via Lance’s development. And then you’d have a genuine story-reason for the dislike, with Keith as a red herring to mislead the audience (and Lance) into ignoring his gut reaction. Plus, the message would become, Lance has a good sense of when people aren’t really who they say they are – instead of, Lance is a spoiled asshat who can’t handle anyone else getting all the attention.

In S1, Lance is jealous of someone whose competency far outranks his, making Lance look petty and egotistical. It also undermines the argument that Lance has his finger on the team’s pulse; his unrealistic self-assessment is the sole reason he misjudges and dislikes someone else. 

Then we get S3′s wild flips from outright attack to so-supportive – followed by S4′s complete void. Like, not a mention from Lance about the character who got the focus of his attention for so long. Then Lotor shows up, and Lance gets territorial (this time over Allura, instead of piloting), but… what’s the point, here? Nothing ever really comes of Lance’s behavior, so why does it get such a proportionately large amount of screentime? 

All it does is make him look like an asshat… and maybe that’s the point.

Okay, this is a bit of a stretch, but bear with me on this. I get these hunches now, after so many years of paying attention to the nuances enough to deconstruct and analyze. And here’s what I can’t seem to shake: I think Lance is written this way for a reason, and that it has little to do with the story. 

A few things we do know: Lance has consistently been the most popular character. Second, Lance is also Dos Santos’ favorite character; third, for some reason Lance was given Hedrick’s birthday, instead. And lastly, the writers are willing to put snark in a character’s mouth (”we’ll never get rid of you, Shiro, you’re the most popular character”). 

In S3, Lance had glimmers of what might’ve been the start of his character growth: he drops the rivalry with Keith, stops flirting with Allura, and so on. In S4, Keith falls completely off Lance’s radar (as he does for everyone), and Lance’s friendship with Allura grows. I’d bet that was Lance’s original arc, growing out of being, as Hedrick put it, “an egomaniac and pseudo ladies man.” 

Then we hit S5. While Lance is territorial over Allura, he doesn’t flirt with her at all. There’s also only one scene where the two really talk, one-on-one – and it has strong shades of the development we saw in S3/S4. 

Take Allura out of the equation, and look at what Lance actually does. 

While Lotor and Allura are having a serious conversation, Lance’s focus is on what it means to him. He’s a kid interrupting while the adults are talking. 

Lance has numerous snide comments, but none of his distrust seems to bear fruit; Lotor is written as (at least for now) genuine, if a little dangerous. Lance’s immediate dislike feels out-of-proportion, an immature jealousy of someone else’s competence. 

When Lotor and Allura go off alone: Lance’s reaction is of someone who hates to be left out. He’s got to be in the middle of everything, even though he has nothing to contribute.

Keep in mind, too, you could deconstruct that entire episode as characterizing who the adults are. None of them are the Garrison trio, who proceed to basically act like destructive children left without adult supervision.  

And most tellingly, to me, is that scene where everyone is working to save the castle. Again look at what Lance is doing: nothing but noise. He’s getting in everyone’s way, focused on his own overreacting while everyone else is getting shit done.

Most of these, Lance shows to some degree in S1/S2, which is why it feels like he’s sliding backwards, characterization-wise. But S1/S2 laid the groundwork for future development by showing that Lance did fill a valuable role, despite his own blindness to it. S5 undid all of that, by removing his contributions but keeping his ego. 

In short, S5 Lance is obsessed with ‘his’ role despite contributing next to nothing, sulks when he’s not included, talks himself up like he’s a crucial part of things, hates sharing attention, and consistently gets in the way of everyone else trying to just do their damn jobs. He’s a textbook inept yet conceited boss.

When you consider S5 is only a half-season, it’s so over-the-top that I can’t shake the sense that Lance is actually a proxy. It’s more roundabout than the jokes about keeping Shiro, but it’s so extreme – and so divorced from any impact on the story’s progress – that it’s hard to not see S5-Lance as the writers mocking someone on the creative team.   

[falkenscreen]

Once Upon a Time... In Hollywood

The 9th film by Quentin Tarantino was always going to be one of the most anticipated of 2019. Described as his most personal, it’s never so distinctively Tarantino as audiences will expect.

Aging TV cowboy Rick Dalton (Leonardo DiCaprio) mopes aimlessly about Hollywood in hopes of a career resurgence, ably assisted by his long-time stuntman, driver and best and only friend Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt). Otherwise lounging in his pool across from neighbours Sharon Tate (Margot Robbie) and Roman Polanski (Rafal Zawierucha), the spectre of the star’s 1969 murder hangs heavy over proceedings as Rick and Quentin cycle through the iconic mainstays of one of Hollywood’s great ages right before the sixties came crashing down.

When Charles Manson eventually died, a number of outlets classily opted to instead run Tate’s obituary. It is in this spirit that much of OUATIH transpires. This production has copped some criticism, it’s most undue, for proffering Robbie a fraction of the lines of her main co-stars. Engaging with ample screen-time, her presence too felt strongly in her absence, what Robbie manages with a glimmer, an aside, a dance, a smile, here resonates more than nearly every A-lister giving it their best and there are a lot of Hollywood legends herein.

Invoking an idea of who Tate was and what she and her passing represented for Hollywood and 1960’s culture is deftly managed by star and Director, not by highlighting her death but what was lost in how she lived. Related and conspicuous by their absence, Roman Polanski and Manson cumulatively feature in about a minute of screen time. Factors in Tate’s story no question, the message is however clear; she and that she personified was not defined by others but that which this world is lesser for without her presence.

With Tarantino adopting a loose-narrative approach more than in any other feature since Pulp Fiction, it best serves Robbie’s in these respects stirring turn who would be the best thing about this movie but for Brad Pitt.

For how famous Pitt is he’s a curiously underrated performer, better known broadly for films that highlight his looks rather than talent; that film we do not talk about being one of a few notable exceptions. Here imparting ideals of classic Hollywood cool better than Damian Lewis, here depicting Steve McQueen, it’s personification, Pitt also navigates one of the more contentious aspects of this outing; Tarantino’s more than implicit commentary on the Me Too movement and it’s like.

Tarantino started developing this project before scandals including those centred around Harvey Weinstein emerged. This and any other feature however must fairly be viewed in the context of its release. ONATIH being the first Tarantino flick in a long time where Weinstein does not feature in the credits and too being released following reports as to the Director’s own on-set behaviour, that which occurs herein regardless of when it was initiated can fairly be read as a perspective on much of that underlining this most prominent shift in Hollywood in years past.

The sympathy one has for Booth may likely depend on one’s perspective of a very confronting episode before the era in which we first meet him, exact details of which are left deliberately ambiguous. Whether Booth is the guilty party in an act of violence against a woman is not the only consideration to many involved in this production however; Tarantino himself may not have a view. What evidently matters to those whose names are in the credits is whether or not guilt can or should be ascribed too Booth under the circumstances and how this will frame Booth in the minds of different viewers.

A frequent critique of the Me Too movement being the imputation of guilt absent a legal ruling, this segment and Booth’s very inclusion is Tarantino’s riposte to his own detractors, here choosing to frame an avatar for many implicated as a figure concerned with his companions, their welfare and who, as far as we see it, only enacts violence following perceived threats to his own safety and that of others.

The segment most purporting to be a commentary on violence, these subjects entire and too intended to elucidate on Booth is without question the film’s most violent. This author will not be spoiling the ending, nor should it be spoilt for anyone. Suffice to say, Tarantino vividly posits, as he has in so many other films, Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained foremost among them, that the only appropriate response for those of apparent nobleness when confronted with extreme violence is violence to match or exceed it. Going back to still his best feature, Tarantino confronts whether Booth is the tyranny of evil men, the shepherd, or if he’s just tryin.’

Those involved have tried to keep this ambiguous. Not everyone is going to see it that way and many viewers will find the inclusion of that which purports to be vague as regards Booth, in no small part for the reasonable reading that his guilt is heavily implied, fundamentally disquieting.

Having said all this, OUATIH works on several significantly more basic levels. In one of the film’s most publicised scenes we see Dalton flame-throw some Nazis in one of his hits past and as much as you read into OUATIH so much of this is still but a backdrop for Tarantino righteously doing things like, well, flame-throwing Nazis.  

As good as this sequence was, it’s notable that it was one of the only scenes bearing Tarantino’s skill for visual flourishes, much the rest of the film being very traditionally shot. There are thankfully exceptions; first among them a creepy, tension-inducing tumble down the rabbit hole as Booth visits the ranch replete with Manson’s disciples.

Turning to one of the other controversial aspects of the film; Bruce Lee. Mike Moh’s approximation is very entertaining, with the character’s framing entire being criticised for depicting the figure mockingly. Yes this film is an avowedly fictionalised version of real-life events, this scene too being framed as one character’s own recollection via flashback; but that doesn’t quite hold sway.

OUATIH, a loose travelogue through the most and least glamorous fixtures of sixties Hollywood, either depicts environments or amalgams of Hollywood royalty through broad, encompassing brushes with but winking references to specific figures, or presents real-life persons. Dalton himself draws from the likes of Rawhide and Bonanza iconography, with DiCaprio, almost a match for Pitt, cycling between tinseltown fixtures and in one case, in an unquestionable highlight, doing so alongside Luke Perry in what is the actor’s last performance.

This is done most elegantly in Tate’s case, with Robbie’s depiction being fairly that of a character or version of Tate nay an exact replica. Yet Tarantino chose to take the same approach with Lee and to the extent (if at all) that he has largely departed from a faithful, knowable depiction of Lee he has done a production which purports to show a spirited yet exaggeratedly accurate account of events and figures past a disservice.

Dripping with the Director’s commentary more that most if not all of Tarantino’s productions though conversely and significantly absent so much of his signature stylings, OUATIH’s uncharacteristically Tarantio-esque narrative won’t have trouble finding as many awaiting audiences as it will likely alienate.

Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood is in cinemas from August 15

on Festevez

[mackjao]

Letter #1

To Sister #2 (final version, fully finished & complete)

Fall 2011

I admit, I did not know of you even when you first came to Pittsburgh from California along with all the others that comprised the incoming CMU Class of ‘15 as a freshman all those years ago in the fall of 2011. Sure, I had seen glimpses of you here and there from various Large Groups and Joyful Noise concerts beginning the year that you first started attending CMU as a freshman but for reasons still unknown to this day, I never really took the time to get to know or to follow up with you then. Perhaps it was all the things that I was learning from God in regards to the Gospel, how that ties to the Day of the Lord, and the implications of how that changes everything in regards to the way I do life/why it is that we as Christians do life (live/work/play, ministry, discipleship, witness, etc.) the way that we do it, that really kept me preoccupied, perhaps it was all the suffering that I was going through and was able to persevere through by faith/the grace of God/the strength that He supplied, that year that led to my continual sanctification/refining of my faith in God/ further development of my Christian character, but that also kept me relatively ignorant & unaware of most incoming freshmen in general, or maybe perhaps it was the very real possibility that our paths never really intersected all that much in the beginning. Here we were, two very separate individual, distinct, and beautiful souls that, although were both in Pittsburgh at the time, were indeed busily living and learning so very much in two very separate and different circles and worlds.

Fall 2012

Yet, the first time I really began to hear more about you and become much more aware of you was especially after your breakup during your sophomore year with a brother that had been in my cell group. I admit, hearing the story of what led to that heartbreaking result from that brother’s point of view was indeed tragic. Yet even so, I could only imagine the amount of pain, heartbreak, and grief that you were bearing, shouldering, and experiencing due to the fallout. Acutely aware that that was indeed the case, that you were indeed most vulnerable and in shambles from what I could observe from afar, I chose wisely to avoid and to keep my distance from you as much as possible in order to give you the time and space you needed to process all of that, as you took your time to grieve, mourn, and to heal from the loss and the mess that accompany a breakup of that degree. Yet at the same time, I began to become all the more aware of a gnawing question in my mind that only grew stronger with passing time, one that I genuinely want to ask everybody I cross paths with if possible but don’t due to the finite limitations of being human (i.e. limited time & energy, only one of me & only so much of me to go around before I run out of energy), “Who are you?”

Winter 2013

As such, that was indeed the one gnawing question that really motivated me to want to follow up with you and to find out the answer to that question. Even though there were times that it felt like forever, I was indeed willing to wait because it was the kind of wait worth waiting for ... an opportune space and time when and where we could just sit down and talk. A question that began to be answered, interestingly enough, during one cold winter evening in January '13 on the way to ACF Winter Retreat. From what we both found out prior to boarding the retreat bus, inclement weather was the reason for the numerous delays (numerous hours, in fact) that stretched a bus ride that should have taken only 1.5 hours to many more hours and led to our late arrival at the retreat site later that night. Yet at the same time, that was all the more a possible opportunity for me to get to know you better, an opportunity that came rather surprisingly out of nowhere when you chose, whether by coincidence or by your own intentions (I wonder), to sit right next to me on the bus that very night, just you and I together in the kind of common space and time (intersection) that I had secretly been waiting and hoping for all this time.

So that is where our friendship really began to take off ... literally out of nowhere from the ground up when & where our two souls met and were in the same place at the same time on that dark cold winter night on a big yellow bus on the way to ACF Winter Retreat. And I admit, I really was quite pleasantly surprised/taken aback (even) at how well we clicked with one another, like melody & harmony complementing one another in a composition of music in perfect tandem & harmony, sparks indeed flying unlike anything I’ve ever seen, seemingly like lock and key. What initially began as a meet-and-greet sort of conversation (the typical pleasantries of skin-deep shallow questions & answers that characterize the conversations of two people meeting for the first time but that are indeed very necessary) escalated lightning quick into the kind of deep and meaningful conversations that characterize the kind of relationship only friends who have known each other for years typically have, maybe ever lovers in a deep committed relationship who were genuinely & sincerely committed to one another’s well-being. 

One of the things that really struck me about that conversation (and still does to this very day) is how I felt even as this all began to occur oh so very fast right before my very eyes ... how & why did I feel so really safe telling you what I told you that very night (at a loss of words), things that indeed are very close and dear to my very own heart and soul and spirit, some of my deepest fears, anxieties, hopes, dreams, and eventually, life mission/purpose? It still strikes me as rather odd and strange, bizarre even, that I could open up to you so quickly and willingly, a sister who I had never talked with previously and only knew by name prior. 

Yet there you were, relentless (in a good way, of course) and ever so intentional, persistent, and pressing in asking some of the most deepest and meaningful questions of and about me, trying to understand who I was from the very deepest fibers of my being and here I was, willingly opening up to you like never before, spilling like beans and telling you some of the very deepest secrets about my life and exposing to you the very deepest fibers of my being. You were a wonderful virtuoso at using your words to convince me to open up to you like I did and deep down, I marveled at how adept you were at navigating the incredibly delicate folds/edges/layers of the very deepest parts of who I am.

Or maybe it wasn’t so much the fact that I felt so incredibly safe telling you these things as it was the fact that I decided to take a leap of faith from my own end, telling you these things I was leaving up to random chance holding out with the faintest glimmer of hope that maybe someone, anyone, that maybe, out of all people, you’d understand ... finding out oh so very quickly that you indeed did and in my heart, when I saw that you did, I was indeed very happy and glad. 

The other thing I found amazing about that very night is how you managed to convince & to persuade me to tell you from my heart to your heart the very purpose why I was living my life the way I was/doing the things the way I was doing them, etc. ... that deep from the very caverns of my who I am, I wanted to wring my own life out to make faithful/humble/obedient/submissive disciples of Christ for the glory of God, to create and to cultivate safe & challenging (as appropriate) spaces of vulnerability/intimacy/honesty/confession/repentance/growth where God/His Word/the Gospel and His light/faithfulness/goodness could be forever seen, heard, proclaimed, and celebrated, to see people grow and mature in their faith and in Christ and fall into ever-deepening genuine, sincere, and heartfelt love/adoration/awe/wonder/worship/praise of our good and beautiful God that overflows from the very depths of others’ hearts/souls/inner beings in the form of never-ending praise to our God, to raise/train/hone/encourage children (boys or girls) in the Word and in the good life-giving ways of our God to shoot out like arrows (Ps 127:4) into the dying, unbelieving world around us so that they could also live to do the very things that I am doing.

And so that is what happened that very night as minutes stretched into hours and as hours stretched into days and time never-ending, as deep intimate bonds and threads of deep/strong bridges and connections between my heart & soul to your own heart & soul were built astonishingly lightning fast in the span of minutes and hours that felt like an eternity that I (with one side of me) wanted never to end. Honestly, it was one of the few moments of my life in which I had never felt so much joy and even when the retreat bus rolled into the retreat site parking lot many hours later than was originally scheduled, I still felt that very same way and deep down in my own heart, I felt out your heart and intrinsically knew (via a gift that I had been given by God to feel out/discern/know the relative feelings/affections/allegiances of others’ hearts around me) that you also felt the very same way and that the feeling of mutual attraction and connection was indeed not only mutual but also ever so strong and deep. It was indeed on that very day that I realized that I had encountered a very special wonderful friend and fellow sister in Christ and as such, I upgraded our friendship to that of a kindred friendship in the seemingly multiple levels of friendship that I enacted deep within the fibers of my very being, that I would choose to love/care for you as a friend & as a brother in Christ because you not only are a very dear friend to me but also my fellow sister in Christ (it also helped that God was indeed showing me throughout that entire year His heart for His precious, cherished, and beloved daughters/what it meant to see a daughter of God through His eyes/rebuked me directly from on up on high via the beholding of His very presence/voice/and glory through the Spirit for, what was up until then, my insensitivity/refusal to engage on a deeper level with women in general, which led to my immediate genuine confession/repentance of such in prayer (”I am so sorry ... what do you desire of me, my God?”). It was indeed what I did not know up until then but came to learn & to understand that very year that all this is inherent in His design for me as a man of God ... to honor, to serve, and to protect my sisters & their hearts & souls no matter what, regardless of how I feel or what mood I’m in, etc. etc. ... no excuses, no if’s/then’s/but’s, period)

And then I woke up ... 

As much as I cherished that very night that we spent with one another, our hearts and souls mingling & connecting with one another like never before/how we really were both over the moon with one another/how wonderful and beautiful it felt to finally find someone that not only knew but that also understood, the much more cautious & rational side of me rapidly kicked into gear as I went into a very contemplative time of most careful & thoughtful deliberation and reflection about that very night that we spent with one another on the bus. And that is when some of the unspoken fears within me that I had about that night began to surface ... how exposed and vulnerable I felt that very night, how frightening quick that all seemed to take place in the span of mere minutes to hours, how I (out-of-the-blue) had so openly and willingly told you more than I had told any sister in Christ prior (the exception being Sister #1 whom I had consciously told such matters over the span of many months). And so it was in that time of deliberation that I realized that I was indeed in the midst of two wonderful but different godly women and because that was indeed the case, I was only going to choose one sister in Christ to pursue a deeper friendship with in the hope that it would lead to something more. Not only did my conscience demand it, but ultimately it was also the Holy Spirit within me that insisted on it and because that was indeed the case, I was going to choose only one godly woman, period. 

I began to think more carefully and rationalize why things unfolded that night the way it did with you (Sister #2), why I seemed to so quickly yield in the face of the steady stream of questions that you asked me that very night ... and then it finally dawned on me after much reflection that night, definitely more quickly than I had anticipated - that as wonderful as the friendship that we really had was, that there was also indeed a very potent & real danger as well ... that with such a friendship that materialized seemingly out of nowhere so fast like lightning and blossomed into the deep intimate friendship in the span of mere minutes to hours in the span of just one night was also the very real possibility of idolatry in your heart (existing to a degree to which I cannot tolerate in good conscience), that you would indeed try to find your identity, worth, and value in what I thought of you even though God has already given you a priceless identity as His beloved daughter (Eph 5:1) and that you are far more valuable and loved by Him more than you or I could think, imagine, or ever know (Ps 8:3-5, Ps 139:13-18) until that very Day when we will both see Him again in glory face to face. It is in this time that I also found it appropriate to have such a thought: Romance is indeed very beautiful, a wonderful gift from God meant to point us back to Him & to His goodness, but like all the other gifts He gives us to enjoy, if stewarded and enjoyed incorrectly/excessively/elevated to a place to the point of idolatry, onto a pedestal where only the One True God, Maker & Creator of all things both seen & unseen belongs, it indeed makes for & is a terrible god/lord/slavemaster that yields only corruption/destruction/death.

And so it was on that night ... as I realized that the wonderful blessing was also accompanied with potential poison ... the very real threat of idolatry in your heart and the chances of it existing in your heart being sky-high and a whole lot more potent & dangerous than it first seemed at first glance, one that if not confessed/repented of would not only fester but lead you into incredibly dark places of destruction & death and that would end up corrupting/defiling and destroying everything that we had worked so hard to build (1 Cor 5:6-8, Gal 5:9). Moreover, there were just way too many unanswered questions about you that I didn’t have the answers to at the same time ... what kind of character you had, what things you cherished/hated, your purpose/reason for living your life the way you did and whether you were sincere about such that you lived your life in such a manner that demonstrated & affirmed that purpose and reason, how you treated & cared for others around you, how you thought of our God/your parents/authority that had been placed over you by God Himself, the submission you had/didn’t have(?) to these entities in your life and how sincere you were about living out/embracing such submission, and so much more. Furthermore, what really had me initially bewildered was how in the world you could justify being around brothers (specifically in your year) for so prolonged a time who belittled/stabbed/put you down behind your back with words filled with much arrogance & ignorance and because I knew so little about you at that time, I unfortunately viewed that with wary suspicion and considered that heavily along with a great number of many other metrics as a reflection of your character that I, at the time, knew far too little about.

(It also represented one of my greatest failures ... how I failed to stand up for you and defend you in light of these brothers in your year that demonstrated such “boyish” behavior by putting you down with words like this behind your back ... cowardly, wretched, and evil ... the kind of behavior that, in one of the few times in my life as a believer, made me not only sincerely very angry (not uncontrolled anger but righteous anger), but also very sad though it was indeed the great sadness I felt and the fear of man that hindered me from rebuking them as I should have done when I heard this kind of evil spoken from their lips firsthand because I had not yet been set free from the fear of man - it would be later in April ‘14 that God would finally unshackle me from the fear of man via His Spirit and His work within me). (How dare they belittle you, mock you, make fun of you, a beloved daughter of God who is not only made in His image, but who is also incredibly beloved, cherished, and well-loved more than you or I can ever know or imagine until we both see Him again face to face on that very Day. May the Lord rebuke you for your sin) ... sigh)

Furthermore, I considered the timing of all this rather unfortunate ... as I had a month or two ago decided (more or less, resolutely) that Sister #1 was the godly woman that I was going to pursue a deeper friendship with in the hopes that it would lead to something more and to love & to cherish no matter what ... based on what I knew about her through months of conversation, about her character, about who she is). In all honesty, I just simply knew a lot more about her since I had much more time to get to know her as a person in as many aspects as possible via conversations that took place over the span of months vs. the momentarily span of one night. In essence, because I knew so much more about Sister #1, her character, who she is, her story (testimony), what she stood for, and more, I had essentially already been won over by her. And so, after that long night of careful thought/reflection/deliberation, I chose to solidify my decision (one that I had made earlier) and to do what I knew I had to do in order to follow through on that and to honor the choice that I had made ... I had to cut off my friendship with you (Sister #2) cold turkey as suddenly as it had started and had been built on that very night although I indeed was open to the possibility of keeping our friendship platonic. It was at that point that my “no” (the one I laid down that day) was indeed a “no” (Matt 5:37) and, even to this day, remains the same.

After I had made that decision & in order to follow through and honor that decision, I chose to actively avoid any sort of one-on-one encounter with you afterwards. There was indeed a time after I had made that decision that I had a feeling deep down that you would probably take that pretty hard and that there would likely be severe consequences, but because I actively avoided talking with you one-on-one in order to honor & uphold the decision I had made in this regard, I had absolutely no idea how it would affect you and if it would have any consequences on your faith in God in any tangible way. 

It was not very long afterwards (a few months later after the conversation that we had that very night) that I learned that you had chosen to enter into a committed relationship with another brother in ACF from your year that I was indeed very genuinely and sincerely happy for you two (Rom 12:15) because I knew even after I had made my decision, that you were a godly woman & sister in Christ who would unlikely remain single for very long. Yet even then, I decided that I would put out feelers via people who were around you more often & knew you better than I did not so much to spy on you with any sort of malicious intent but rather with the intention to keep tabs on and to hear about you from others how you were doing from time to time since I could not in any way justify having an one-on-one with you to any extent without utterly violating my conscience due to the fact that you were already in a committed relationship with the ACF brother that we both know 

Still, I found out most curiously even then despite that fact that in the vastly reduced number of opportunities (by my doing) that I did get to see you in group settings from afar (esp. JN concerts) that in those times, you seemed to stand a little taller and to show a little more spirit & vitality than I normally notice from you. When I first started noticing this, I thought “What the heck ... it’s probably my imagination or I must be dreaming or it’s probably just got to be part of putting on some sort of face/veneer typical of what may or may not involved with acapella or something ...” Yet when I observed and then realized that it was not only that time but also many more instances down the road that this happened, I began to take more notice you once again and realized that deep within me I also still had a gnawing curiosity about you that had not died even from months ago when it first manifested and started growing at a rather astonishing pace but one which I had to exercise self-control over via the help of the Holy Spirit (Gal 5:22-23) within me. 

And so I decided that I was going to start taking notes on you from afar once more so that I could indeed build a more complete profile of who you are not only to answer many of the unanswered questions that I still had about you from prior, but also so that I could see if there was indeed any way in which I could encourage you and minister directly to your heart, soul, and spirit, but in a way that would not utterly violate my conscience.

Fall 2014

It was after a ridiculously spiritually dark summer when I lost the battle for a time against my human pride (a problem I came to realize about myself after extensive correspondence with Sister #1) and was utterly blinded by it while losing 25% of my body weight (50 lbs in the span of 2 months from 205 lbs -> 155 lbs; extremely unhealthy, would never ever recommend it to anyone) simultaneously via hardcore dieting/exercising/ingesting large volumes of water to stay “full” not with the truest intention of impressing anybody but rather knowing that I probably would not live very long were I to maintain such a heavy weight, that I would not have any more motivation than I did then to lose all that weight the older I got, and that I wanted to do so in order to live longer for the sake of being involved in God’s work/ministry (one of the few sane decisions that I made in this time span as the malnutrition I intentionally endured due to all these efforts led, for the most part, to pride that blinded me along with utter madness, idolatry, delirium, and to me making indeed some very poor, ridiculous and insane decisions indeed (how in the world? ... sigh) that I had gotten word from one of my feeler contacts that you had been struggling with body image issues and had tried to lose weight unsuccessfully also in rather unhealthy ways that very same summer. It was then that I realized that you had fallen into the all too common trap & sin of comparison, one of two buckets of sin that women commonly struggle with (the other being perfection) that I died a little on the inside, found myself utterly horrified, put down the mental clipboard that I was taking notes about you on, grieved & mourned, and indeed had a very heavy & broken heart. Although I was not directly responsible for your decision to fall into sin via telling you to sin, I realized that I, along with my ridiculous decisions however pure/impure they may/may not have been, was the indirect reason why you had fallen into the sin of comparison which leads nowhere but to destruction and death (James 1:14-15). 

And so it was after that summer after I had found out about all this from one of my feeler contacts that my grief & sadness concerning you along with your sin became not only heavier but rather pronounced. Though I did my best to hide it all from you even during the only time that we were able (in the span of four years ... imagine that) to celebrate our shared birthday (September 18) with one another over lunch that very September (just you and I; a most kindred time, btw), that grief & sadness, although it did not ruin it completely, did indeed weigh heavily on me and served to drain some of the happiness that might have been derived from that moment in time.

It was also earlier that month that MT had decided to create IchThYs as a way to more actively reach out to students on Pitt campus that I had taken the liberty myself before the fall semester started to be rather proactive about setting up the time/space for the meetings of that joint cell group back in August with the brother whom you were in a committed relationship with so that by the time you had asked me to do so, it had already been done because it is indeed one of my secret joys of which I was most giddy & enthusiastic about: setting up & cultivating spaces where God, His Word, the Gospel, along with His goodness/faithfulness/beauty could be seen/heard/proclaimed for the glory of God and for the good of those around me, which led to you being most impressed with me (even though it was really not my intention to do so; though I did not think of it much at the time, I wonder if it was perhaps a mistake not to ... heh).

And then I had my accident early in October ‘14 ... one in which while coming back to PIT from BOS via PHL on the PA Turnpike I hydroplaned, which led to my car rolling over five times, and escaped death by only a fraction of a hair (saved by God Himself via divine intervention) with merely a bump on my head and a totaled car. It was after that accident that I woke up, as if from an incredibly deep slumber (Eph 5:14), and became incredibly aware that there were some deep sin issues that needed to be dealt with in my own life ... all the pride, idolatry, hate, and so much more that had accumulated in my heart/soul/spirit/inner being, over the course of the past six months ... man, was it ugly and wretched indeed. The kind of stuff that made me utterly hate myself during that season of my life (not recommended, not godly behavior) that only served to lead me into ever darker places.

My mother came shortly after that accident occurred to visit me in Pittsburgh not too long after and as such, I spent time with her that weekend. When I saw the genuine respect & honor you gave to my mother in the way you treated her during her visit to Pittsburgh, my respect for you began to rise again once more, something I didn’t even bother to try to stifle and to impede in any way, because it is a level of respect I have for you that is not only indeed well-deserved but also well-earned.

After two separate nights shortly after that accident, after I allowed the company of three brothers from your year to come visit me one night in a good-will gesture to comfort me (they really didn’t have much to say to me although I’m not even sure myself what I’d say to someone who had gone through something similar to what I had gone through; regardless, it was a gesture that I appreciated nevertheless) and another separate night of deep reflection over my own life and the state of my heart/mind/soul/inner being, I decided that the only way this was going to end well was if I cut myself completely out of ACF and PCC for a time to deal with all these issues directly. And so that is what happened ... as I deliberately cut myself out of ACF/PCC/anything related to Christianity or church for three months. Those three months ended up being one of the darkest seasons of my life ... as I found myself falling once more again into deep sin (pride, idolatry, evil, hate), some of which was perpetuated by my stupid but understandable decision to attempt numbing myself to all the pain/suffering/grief/loss of life purpose & reason to live/self-hate/denial that I felt after that accident) and being brought down to the one of the lowest points of my life once more (only comparable to the point prior in my own life where I was brought down low as as a non-believer before coming to faith in Christ during my junior year in high school) before I came to realize once again by the grace of God my utter depravity and wretchedness without God and His Holy Spirit and was able to sincerely & genuinely repent with a broken and contrite heart like that of David in Ps 51, receive forgiveness and restoration, along with the charge from God Himself to once more take part in the Great Commission and to teach sinners His ways once more (Ps 51:13). I admit, I found it hard to ignore people from ACF, those who tried again and again to convince me to come back, only to be met with utter silence from my end and an eventual giving up on their part (honestly, who could blame them?). And even though I decided to attend the Pitch Please concert towards the end of the fall semester as a way to support a freshman brother who was a member of IchThYs, I bumped into those from ACF along with you (ah crap) and tried again & again, eventually failing, to ignore all of you as if all of you were dust & as if I had never known any of you not out of ill will but so that I would not be distracted from doing what I needed to do on my own end.

I still remember you asking me that very night after the concert how I was doing and how I was feeling after all that I had gone through. I admit, when I looked straight at you deep into your eyes that very night in an attempt to feel out how sincere you were in asking that very question to me, I saw a heart that not only was full but indeed was overflowing with deep sincere/genuine love, care, kindness, sympathy, compassion, intentionality, along with all of other good fruits of the Spirit that I found so wonderful to see from your beautiful tender godly heart. Although (deep down inside) I was deeply moved and not only sincerely appreciated but was also thankful for that,  I couldn’t bring myself to be open, real, and vulnerable with you, not only because it would be an utter violation of my conscience in regards to the committed relationship you were already in, but also because I had learned the hard way from a previous experience in which I opened up previously with another sister in ACF who was also in a committed relationship with another brother at the time after my failure then to dissuade her not to continue her prodding not too long ago only to find that my grief was indeed so great at the time that she could not bear it and it ended up overwhelming her to the point of many tears and great sorrow (a scene that only served to break my heart even more), resulting in a broken relationship that even to this day has not been fully mended despite my most sincere efforts to do all that I could to reconcile with her but yet I am fully at peace with all my efforts to do so, however imperfect they may be (Rom 12:18). And so remembering the brokenness that I had caused previously & unintentionally last time and having no desire to perpetuate more brokenness that would only add to my great sorrow and grief, I chose to act by deliberately shutting you out, rejecting all of your questions and attempts to care for me in order to protect you/your heart and our friendship that I indeed cherished so very much and did not want to bear the agony of seeing it being broken at this point in time. I also did this in order to protect you from the darkness within me that I had to deal with by myself with the help of God alone (prideful, maybe? but really, just how it all needed to go down)

It was after my encounter with God Himself at the end of those three dark months in the spring semester after having received mercy, grace, and love from God Himself as I confessed/repented of my sins before Him, being restored, and then re-commissioned once more, that I was ready once more to participate and to partake of God’s work and ministry once again, but this time with the kind of childlike faith, meekness, and humility that I had struggled to live out and to walk in the first go-around. And so it was during that spring semester that I partnered with you platonically as a dear friend, fellow coworker, and as a brother in Christ to set up the kind of spiritual spaces that I had been designed from the very beginning to create and to cultivate as a man of God, however imperfectly. It was also in that time that I was once more able to witness the wonderful help that you were to me and in the work of ministry as you played your part beautifully as a godly woman, using your words to help me build up, encourage, point others back to God/His Word/the Gospel along with His goodness/faithfulness, etc in the spiritual spaces that I attempted to create and was able to do so through the power of the Holy Spirit and that deep down inside, I had the utmost of sincere appreciation/thankfulness/gratitude towards you in regards to what a wonderful help you were in the work of ministry in regards to IchThYs and those who attended and that my respect for you again began to rise even more.

As an aside, there was also a time after those three dark months prior to the spring semester that I had a time of thoughtful contemplation of how I could go about encouraging your heart/soul/spirit/inner being that I was relatively certain of that may have been discouraged/weak/weary at times in a way that would not utterly violate my conscience while also being able to exercise the gifts (encouragement, hospitality, teaching, helps, etc.) and utilize the resources that God had given me to use for His glory despite your sin that was a source of deep grief & sorrow for me because I chose to have mercy on you despite your sin (James 2:13) and to give you a second chance, hoping that by that time you had sincerely confessed/repented of your sin before our good God that it finally came to me ... what not a better way than to support JN (a cause that I also indeed supported wholeheartedly) by baking bread and creating spiritual spaces with some of its members indiscriminately and without partiality to see if there were any open doors for me there to take so that I could encourage and build up those in JN in love and in truth. And so that is what I chose to do and to carry out from the beginning of the spring semester onwards ... using the baking of bread as an reason to visit you along with the other JN members at late night practices as much as I possibly could all that semester ... to give you all bread as a way for me to love on you all and utilizing my spiritual gifts along with indirectly encouraging and supporting you via these small acts, Sister #2, as well. Though I knew that I could not encourage you directly one-on-one without utterly violating my conscience, I hoped that this would serve as a way for me to demonstrate that I indeed did care very dearly for you as a dear friend and as a brother in Christ. 

I still vividly remember you, on one of the nights that I came to visit bearing bread in good cheer, inviting & encouraging me to pray on behalf of the group right before the group broke for the night after a long night of practice & rehearsal even though I was not a member of JN. Although I initially was quite surprised that you chose to do so, I eventually chose to agree to your request and used that prayer, however imperfectly, to remind each JN member why it is they do what they do by singing and utilizing song, word, and melody: to testify of God, His Word, the Gospel, His goodness, His mercy, His love, His forgiveness, and where that could be seen, heard, proclaimed unto undying end ... Christ and Him crucified at the Cross. It was also with great joy (besides baking bread for you all along with praying along with all of you and setting up spiritual spaces with JN members indiscriminately in the background) that I chose to joyfully serve by helping the group, along with you, to drive from PIT to BOS for BIDB that year. Overall, it was just a wonderful and blessed time indeed, not only the concert itself but also during the journey on the way up and back ... that I was indeed able to support you all via this way as well as buying food of sorts and baking bread to feed, to bless, to encourage, and to love on you all.

October 2015

I remember you being most surprised when I suddenly announced that I was going to pay a visit to you & the others in the Bay Area along with Jonathan near month’s end for four consecutive days. Though I had indeed hinted at such a possibility only a month prior when our shared birthday came and went during our brief dialogue & exchange of customary birthday well-wishes & tidings, I didn’t think you actually expected me to follow through on that proposition that I had made not too long prior then. 

Nevertheless, I indeed wanted to come ... to see how you all were doing and also to use the opportunity at the same time to learn more about the area, its culture, its people, along with having a bird-eye’s view of the community that you came out of (specifically, your church community), should the opportunity allow. And so it was that Jonathan and I made it into the area Thursday night during CMU’s mid-semester break, staying at a beloved ACF brother’s residence that that was how it all began. I had even decided to prepare for the trip beforehand by making sure to bake a couple loaves of bread as a way to bless the others who chose to come and tag along, even though I was not asked or expected in any way to do so. And even though it involved a whole lot of driving, walking, hiking, late-night conversations, and so forth, I indeed did cherish every moment of the trip, however brief it may have been. Not only did I get to catch up with a beloved brother over many hours on Friday during a hike in the woods for half a day, but I was also able to see how everyone was doing via various gatherings, trips, excursions, and dinners (well, so it seemed at cursory glance) but even more so what kind of church community you came out of when I came to visit you at your church along with Chris who also agreed to come along since his church at the time was in a tumultuous season of transition and prayerfully seeking God for what direction & vision He wanted that church community to pursue and to embrace. There was also a time during one of the excursions in which you and I began to converse one-on-one in public, only to be interrupted all too quickly to my dismay, but deep down inside, I held out hope & and had faith that there would be another time down the road in which I would be able to converse with you one-on-one once more.

At the same time that I had the opportunity to get a bird eye’s view of your church community, there were indeed things that I liked and was encouraged to see. One of the best parts that has been a consistent theme again and again was witnessing the humble beginnings from which you grew up in & from under God’s tender care along with the others who attended your church. I really love seeing that ... why? Because it’s a testament to the Great and Sovereign Lord that we love & serve, a God that raises and trains men & women how to be godly & live godly lives from obscure and very humble beginnings, (i.e. David and his humble beginnings, Israel a seemingly insignificant nation that would become great and mighty under God’s care, a God that breathes life and light into every space that He resides in, even in the most dead of places [i.e. Ezk 37:1-14]). 

Yet, while during worship, there was something indeed that I was not particularly thrilled in any way, shape, or form to see ... a time that was supposed to be consecrated to glorifying our God and Him alone that while I sang worship & praise right from the row behind you in song, melody, and harmony, that I noticed you having to excuse yourself from the room rather abruptly. And while many others may not think much of it & think that moment to be relatively insignificant, I could sense that something was spiritually off (via the gift God had given to me through the Spirit to be able to feel out/ascertain the affections/allegiances of others’ hearts to a certain degree) and came to see (like having cold water splashed on my face, like waking up from a deep sleep with renewed alertness & vitality after a time) that even after two years of being in a committed relationship with the brother that we both knew from your year that you still struggled against your idolatry of me (finding your identity to some degree in what I thought of you) and had deep-rooted insecurities about yourself that were exposed only when you were around me. In essence, I had unknowingly & unintentionally become an idol and stumbling block to you, one that if not dealt with swiftly on my end would lead sin to fester and to defile your worship to God. 

From the beginning of the trip, I had secretly wondered to a certain degree if I would indeed be able to maintain platonic ties with you infrequently throughout the years to come only to find that however possible that might have seemed then, that that was no longer going to be possible in any way/shape/form especially after what I saw that very morning from you ... seeing through spiritual eyes via the Spirit your struggle against idolatry of me and the deep-rooted insecurities that were exposed even at my mere presence in your life to any perceptible & tangible degree. And so I found out from that very point that maintaining platonic ties was no longer going to be possible, that you were, in some way/shape/form, always going to struggle against that idolatry of me & the deep-rooted insecurities when around me at least while in this age, that you were not going to be able to bear the burden of being in platonic relationship with me, however much I wanted it to remain that way, that I had to devise a way of permanently exiting/cutting off the friendship, however much I may cherish such a friendship, out of mercy for you and out of my utmost love for God, my love for you, and to honor the committed relationship that you were already in. Though it was indeed not something I wanted to do and though I struggled internally deep within with the conviction that I had to follow through with this not to be a heartbreaker/not to be cruel or malicious or cold in any way but rather to be kind and loving and merciful (esp. considering how much it pains me to see you struggle against such things when I am around you), I knew that I had to do whatever it took and sacrifice whatever is necessary as a man of God in order to lead in righteousness in regards to our friendship and to seek first His Kingdom & His righteousness first and foremost out of my utter sincere devotion to God first and foremost as my first love, and to uphold His design for me as a man of God (Matt 6:33, Hosea 1:1-3 ... the struggle Hosea must have had in obeying God by marrying one who would be unfaithful to him and yet He still obeyed out of His sincere love to God, His first love, learning how to be satisfied with the knowledge that the pain involved in obedience may benefit those he served and not him personally). 

And so it was right there & then that I began to prepare my final and most valuable gift over an extended period of time for months after witnessing that sight ... one of the most precious gifts that I can give to any sister in Christ (explained later), one that I knew that I could only give to you when I am not only utterly humble & empty of myself but also only when I am alone with you one-on-one in a common time and space, just like it was in the beginning when our kindred friendship first started all those years ago on that cold winter night on that big yellow bus on the way to ACF Winter Retreat in Winter 2013. 

Winter 2016

Before your visit to Pittsburgh, I had heard from one of my feeler contacts from the time you visited D.C. just prior (to attend the wedding of one of your friends from CMU) that during one of the conversations that you had with people there that you had expressed a most curious question about me in regards to pondering why, despite your efforts, you had failed to win my heart. Upon hearing about such an occurrence from my contact, I immediately thought about that more and in the end (still do) find it most strange & rather odd, considering that I would much rather think of myself as an undeserving sinner saved by grace (true fact and as such, it keeps me humble) rather than one who is thought highly of (can tempt one to pride & lead one to fall -> resulting in destruction/death, as I’ve found out myself the hard way prior). Although I was initially tempted to think of such as most flattering, I also found myself from deep within resisting against dwelling on such a sentiment and dismissing it in the end out of my own willful determination not to let the knowledge (that I now knew) of the high regard you hold of me (likely something that I earned from you as you had the opportunity to carefully observe my life/the way I did it [both in support of the life purpose that I had mentioned to you from our first conversation prior] over time) once again become a reason & cause for me to become complacent/stagnant in my faith as I had prior (although in the past that was due to a different reason - chiefly, my pride). In the end, life is not about me. I am anything but the point. In the end, it’s always been about God ... I’m really not that incredible, if anything, quite ordinary. However, what I will say is this: is it not God who is extraordinary, is it not God who is altogether beautiful, wonderful, sovereign, almighty, and utterly in control? My life is just one of many ... wonderful testimonies of how extraordinary & wonderful God is ... along with His glorious work in me. In fact, He is the only reason why I am the person I am today and even as I write, becoming more and more the man He’s designed me to be (Eph 2:1-10) ... into the likeness & image of Christ, our Savior/Lord/Redeemer/King.

And so I had gotten word shortly thereafter that you had arrived in Pittsburgh, taking the time to make your rounds to visit those who you wanted to see for however brief the time you were here before going off to wherever you had in mind next. Upon hearing such news, I was rather delighted to hear that you were around and was secretly hoping for an opportunity in which I could be with you one-on-one so that I could indeed give you the gift that I had meticulously been preparing for you on my end for so many months. When I had the opportunity to help you by giving you a ride back from one of your meetups, I just simply jumped at the opportunity because I knew that the window of opportunity for me to do such was indeed closing and would not come again, especially after in light of your struggle against your idolatry of me and insecurities that I knew existed deep within you, even being so enthusiastic to do so that I unintentionally quashed out any sort of conversation with the other sister that you were with at the time (to that sister, my most sincere apologies indeed). 

Even when we had a lunch with the others at Union Grill that early afternoon the day before you would depart Pittsburgh, I tried once more to instill a spiritual space for the glory of God & the good of those around me (always actively looking for opportunities to do so as part of what I’ve been taught by God & how I’ve been discipled by fathers/older brothers in Christ/mentors to do so), however awkward that may have been initially to choose to do so during that time, I saw that you indeed saw intrinsically through spiritual eyes what I was trying to do once more and as such, did what you did oh so wonderfully well as a helper and as a godly woman in helping me to cultivate within that space that I was attempting to create a seeing/hearing/proclaiming/witnessing of God and His Word/Gospel along with His goodness/faithfulness/love/and more, something that I witnessed once more again from you and that elicited from deep within me a sincere most utmost gratitude and appreciation for you in your willingness to help me to carry out what is inherent of His design for me to live out as a man, however imperfectly.

And so it was when the next day came around that you were looking for a way to get to the airport for your flight out of Pittsburgh that upon hearing that, I immediately jumped at the opportunity to help you and to serve you with great joy, anticipation, and enthusiasm, knowing that that was the opportunity that I had indeed been looking for all along after all this time ... a time that you and I could be together one-on-one in common time & space for the very last time, a time when  I could finally give you the gift that I had desperately wanted to give you all along not only as a gesture of good will but also as a gesture of how much I appreciated our kindred bond/friendship over the years and to pay tribute to what a wonderful partner you had been in the work of ministry & God’s work during our shared time in ACF over all these years.

And so it was as I drove with my car to the Beeler house where you were in preparation to drive you to the airport for your departing flight that we were able to share that common time and space with one another one-on-one, just like it was in the beginning, for the very last time. And I knew, especially before then, that in order for me to properly give you the gift that I indeed had to humble and to be emptied of myself utterly before God and before you, a feat not able to be accomplished by any human means and one only made possible with the help of Almighty God, His Spirit, and the grace & strength that He supplies. When I saw you coming from the house to my car, I also saw by your facial expression that you, too, whether by coincidence or by active intention (I would rather think the latter), had also been secretly looking forward to the time in which you and I could be alone together one-on-one once more, just you and I like in the few instances prior, for the very last time. 

So it was that you requested of me after taking the passenger seat besides me that we first make a quick stop at Wholey’s in the Strip District before leaving the city, a request that I was gladly and joyfully willing to honor/fulfill not only because I was delighted to serve, honor, and cherish you & your wishes so long as none of them directly contradicted God & His Word but also because I knew it would also prolong the time that I would have to spend with you one-on-one. 

As progress began to be made towards the airport, I began by revealing to you once more the most delicate areas of who I am because I knew deep within me from previous experience that you would know how to navigate the very complexities of who I am ... the broken bones deep within me that, through God’s judgment executed by Him onto me not with the pure intention to destroy but with the underlying intention to discipline those that He loves & knows as His legitimate children (Heb 12:5-11), had learned how to rejoice in the Lord no matter what and in every season whether of joy or sorrow, good and evil, light and dark, etc. 

I apologized to you, branding myself a fool (how true indeed) for not having listened to you all those years ago when you encouraged me in a brief one-on-one conversation to take on a disciple, blaming myself for my stupidity and my stubbornness (along the lines of “I am so sorry, Sister #2, for not having listened to you after all this time. Please forgive me for my great error.”). From that point, as I found myself in utter humility before God and before you, I found that you indeed, through the words that you spoke gently but firmly to me (speaking the truth in love) out of your sincere tender godly heart that there was not only forgiveness (a gift) found but that there was also grace (a gift) found as well ... the kind of forgiveness/grace that I was looking for, the kind of act/behavior towards me that was the very living embodiment of the Gospel and its core truths/tenets, that I both desperately am needy for all the time so that I could not only come more & more to be reminded of the Gospel & its ever-present reality in regards to this age, not only so that I could grow all the more in my appreciation of God, the Gospel/His Word, and His goodness over the years but also so that I could grow, learn, and mature from my mistakes and, by doing so, become more the godly man God has designed me from the very beginning to be. The gifts of forgiveness and grace that you bestowed upon me even though I am inherently undeserving of such ... are gifts that I was & even to this day sincerely do appreciate & was/am thankful to have received from you, my dear friend & beloved sister in Christ.

It was after that precious exchange & dialogue of intimate tender words that that left the both of us approximately halfway to the airport ... and where you also began to reveal directly to me the most insecure, fragile, and delicate parts of who you were/are from the deepest fibers of your very being ... especially in regards to what others thought of you & as you wavered/doubted/questioned whether you indeed did deserve the high praise & regard that other brothers and sisters in ACF held of you. At that point, I knew that I had found the opening that I was so intently searching for and knew that, however godly, strong, bold, and courageous you may look on the outside initially at first glance to many (and in many ways you are), that there also indeed did exist deep within the very delicate/fragile layers and folds of your heart/mind/spirit/soul/inner being ... your struggle against idolatry & the temptation to find your identity in others and what they thought of you (feels more tangible at times, no?) along with a number of insecurities, doubts, fears, anxieties, and worries about your very God-given identity as a beloved daughter of God that, if not handled properly & delicately, would lead you into many dark spiritual places indeed. 

So it was then as I realized all this that I could indeed give you my greatest gift directly from my heart & soul to your heart & soul ... a reaffirmation that you not only did deserve the high praise and regard that others around us gave you based on the life and the way in which you had lived it so far (from my observation of you and the high respect that I had and continue to have for you even to this day & through all the seasons & years that I was able to share life with you in church community via ACF & PCC despite your sin & insecurities) but that even so, regardless of whether they thought of you in such a positive matter or not, regardless of the ways in which you may have failed, sinned, or hurt others, whether intentionally or unintentionally, that despite all that you are wonderfully loved ... precious, beloved daughter of our Most High & Almighty God and that there is indeed nothing that can separate you ever from God’s unfailing love for you, my sister (Romans 8). What a glorious affirmation of the Gospel made anew and afresh ... a most wonderful gift that I had wanted to give you all this time & was finally was able to give you that very afternoon from the very deepest fibers of my very being ... a reaffirmation & encouragement of your God-given identity through Christ as a beloved/cherished/well-loved daughter of our Most High and Almighty God and Heavenly Father despite your sin/shortcomings/failures ... the kind of act/behavior that is the very living embodiment of the truths/tenets of the Gospel, the kind of truth and reality that sets you free (John 8:31-32) and empowers you to become more the godly woman God has created you by His beautiful design to be, the kind of truth and reality that leads any human soul that believes in the Gospel and in Christ as Lord and Savior of his/her life (eventually after having reached a certain level of spiritual maturity/sanctification) to can’t help but just overflow with eternal ever-growing & deepening love, adoration, awe, wonder, praise, and worship to our great Almighty God for what He has done for us through Christ & Him crucified on the Cross, the kind of truth & reality that allows you to become more the woman that God has designed you to be ... one with a steadfast confidence and trust in the promises of God and His goodness and His ways, one that realizes the value of godly submission to the Lord, her parents (until married, then honor), and godly authorities placed over her life by God Himself not to rob her of her joy/happiness but done so for her ultimate joy, happiness, and good, one that uses her words to encourage others/set the bar high/build up both brothers to become more the godly men they were designed to be along with sisters to become more the godly women that they were designed to be, one that lives life each & every day in genuine & sincere ever-growing/deepening gratitude, thankfulness, and appreciation of God that results in an overflowing heart of utmost love/adoration/awe/wonder/worship/praise to Him, and so much more.

And so with that, we had finally reached our destination at the departure gate of the airport terminal ... where I would indeed say good-bye to you (a most fitting and appropriate ending for such a wonderful kindred friendship) for the last time as you walked into the terminal to board the flight that not only would take you to wherever you were planning to go but also out of my life for the very last time. 

Fall 2016

And so it was ... when the time of our shared birthday came once again that you sent me well-wishes ... at a rather unfortunate time in which I was coming out of a dark season of wretchedness that I was not in the right mindset to receive it as such. And yet at the same time, I knew after what I had witnessed only a little less than a year ago at your church in regards to you that I could not remain in your life to any degree, that as long as I did, I would not only be a potential stumbling block and idol to you in regards to your relationship with/worship of God and to the commitments you had already made (committed relationship with another brother), but that I could potentially serve to be your undoing were I to stay in your life to any degree. 

And so I did what only an immature brother would do ... by sharing too much of myself to a degree (expressing genuine love, adoration, awe, wonder, praise, and worship to our God) that would lead to your immediate exit and cutting me off completely (a calculated “mistake” explained below). Note that it was intentionally done this way because although I could have done so a much cleaner way and lead in righteousness much more readily by giving you no response whatsoever (but yet also a manner which could potentially be much more devastating to you personally), that in light of what had happened in the past in regards to you falling into the sins of idolatry of me & being enslaved for a time to what I thought of you and of comparison the last time I utterly cut you off suddenly, that I chose to craft a false veneer (although that was indeed not how I actually felt in reality) to not only be sensitive to how you had struggled against idolatry of me/sin of comparison prior but also ultimately to do so out of mercy in the hope that by doing so this way that you would not fall into your former sins once more; I would give you the opportunity to exit first and if by then, you had not gotten the message that our friendship could not continue in any degree at this time in light of your sins (idolatry/comparison), insecurities, and present committed relationship to said ACF brother in your year, then I was going to cut myself out regardless of whether my reputation with you remained intact or not. And so that is what happened and what I anticipated ... that I knew that you would be godly enough to do the right thing by exiting and cutting me off completely ... so that as I calculated that doing it this way it would also lead you to stay away from me for the time being. 

Though I am not in any way against the good desire that God has placed in you for a godly husband (if anything, it’s a good desire that God has put in you & other women as part of His good design, one that I am glad to affirm as a brother), it seems that I have clearly underestimated how strong/lasting your desire/affections for me were/are(?), which in light of the committed relationship that you are in (main reason), are clearly inappropriate and out of place. As such, I have to suspend our friendship for the time being ... and use this time to exhort you as a dear friend and as a fellow brother in Christ to please bury your affections/feelings/desire for me (anything beyond platonic) deep down within you, to exercise self-control with the help of the Holy Spirit (Gal 5:23), and to not let them don’t let them overcome/master you/enslave you once more (2 Pet 2:19). As you might imagine by me writing these words, I do indeed leave the door open for reconciliation, should there be any need to (though I’m not sure if there would be such a need to?) or opportunity(?) to do so, or reunion down the road, but I am also open to such a possibility that such may never happen or occur either. Regardless of how this plays out, I am indeed at peace with choosing to have mercy on you despite your sins, choosing to encourage/affirm you as a man of God in what you had done well & your God-given identity as a daughter of God (you already had this even before I ever chose to do this onto you/your heart & soul, but I chose and, by doing so, hope that you indeed do remember such a glorious truth/reality and fully embrace it, for that not only sets you free from any sins/idolatry/insecurities that you may have but also allows you to become more & more the godly woman God created you to be when you choose to live in light of that truth/reality in the life that you live), and ultimately, leaving you (may or may not be permanent, depending on whether you are able to exercise self-control & master your affections for me sufficiently, those that are beyond platonic) better than I found you when we first met & sat next to one another all those years ago on that dark winter night on the yellow bus en route to ACF Winter Retreat.

Sister #2, please know that I do not mean any ill will towards you whatsoever, but that in light of your insecurities around me, along with your past struggles against comparison (finding your identity in me/what I thought of you to some degree prior) & idolatry of me and how that has led to a tainting of your worship to God prior, I cannot justify my continued presence in your life to any degree for the time being because as long as I remain in your life to any tangible degree at this time, it could indeed potentially lead to your undoing and that is indeed something I will not be responsible for if I can take action on my part to prevent such from occurring. The only time I could ever justify my presence in your life to any tangible degree is if I am able to get some kind of reassurance that you are able to exercise sufficient self-control & master your affections for me sufficiently (that go beyond platonic) via the help of the Holy Spirit (I exhort you to pray about this) or the day you get married though I would certainly continue to hesitate, be wary of, and probably minimize any future contact with you beyond that unless I do see personally that you have attained sufficient self-control/mastery over your affections for me that go beyond platonic/desire for me) for good reason. Until then, may you confess & repent of your sin to God in prayer, do it quick & don’t delay, don’t let it fester and grow, and may you be cleansed, restored, and empowered by Him by His grace to do His will with a pure heart and a clean conscience once more.

If you want to despise or hate me or hold any ill will towards me for doing this, then I can understand such a reaction from you but that is indeed something that I would highly discourage you from doing and it would indeed make me sad (regardless of how you choose to see me, whether by ill will or not, I choose to love you regardless, however hard it may be, platonically as dear friend/brother in Christ and I am still willing to forgive you deep down [Luke 23:34]) ... because what I did I did not out of malicious intent but out of great love for you as a dear friend and as a beloved brother of Christ by leading in righteousness via the suspension of our friendship for the time being one way or another (I do leave the reversal of this course of action & restoration of such a friendship in the future a possibility though - refer to above for how that could be a possibility) ... so that you would remain faithful, obedient, devoted to the tasks and commitments you have right in front of you, that your worship of God would remain pure .... so that I would no longer be a potential idol and/or stumbling block for you, for I am indeed aware of the warning Jesus says to those that it would be better for the one who causes one of His little ones to sin to be tied down with a large millstone and thrown into the sea (Matthew 18:5-6/Luke 17:1-2/Mark 9:42). I also find that what I said in a previous post also applies here and I will repeat it here again with no regrets or apologies: 

“Why are you doing this? Don’t you understand and see that I, just like you, am merely a servant of God (Rev 19:9-10, Rev 22:8-9) just like you, along with our other fellow brothers and sisters in Christ? Why in the world would you do this? Don’t you realize how dearly loved you are by our good God regardless of what I or other people you look up to think about you and that your identity as one made in the image of God (Gen 1:26) and/or as a child (whether son or daughter of the Most High) of God can never be taken away by anyone else and ultimately testifies to how infinitely valuable and beloved you are to Him (Ps 8:3-5, Ps 139:13-18)? Don’t you realize how dishonoring this is to both me (not as concerned about such, but still worth noting) but more importantly to God and what a great sin this is not only against me but ultimately against our good God and Heavenly Father who alone is worthy of our utmost love, adoration, affection, worship, praise, and devotion? Confess and repent, I say to you again, repent! Draw near to the throne of grace (Heb 4:16), confess/repent of your sin, and may you find that we indeed serve a God who is merciful, faithful, and just to forgive us of our sins (1 John 1:9) and who desires not more sacrifices but indeed a broken and contrite heart (Ps 51:16-17)

If you do really want to know, the amount of godly respect that I have for you and the high regard that I hold of you as a godly woman even to this very day (I commend you for such) has never been about your looks, weight, race (i.e. I’ve known of and encountered people from mainland China who claim/tell me bad things about Taiwanese people [prob from tensions stemming from Taiwan’s and China’s differences & right to be independent from China, etc.], but I’ve always found a majority of such claims, upon further investigation, to be baseless/filled with unfounded hate and/or bitterness and utterly ridiculous), outward appearance, charm, flattering words, or anything purely external or aesthetic to any lasting degree. It has never been (and will never be) through any of these factors or characteristics that you have won my respect & trust thoroughly & my heart to a very small degree (but you have not won me over [romantically] due to the degree of your struggle against your idolatry of me/finding your identity to some extent in what I thought of you; it is the only reason why I am able, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to keep my affections/desires in regards to you in strict platonic check). Rather, I have always and will always look at your heart (similar to what is described in 1 Sam 16:7) as a much more reliable indicator of who you are as a person, what kind of character you have (godly or not godly), whether you value/cherish the matters & things that God values/cherishes and whether you hate/despise the matters & things that God hates/despises, whether you truly are of the faith by the life you live/the manner in which you live it and whether you give over/wring out your own life to the making of disciples, your speech, your behavior, your love, and your purity, for these things, although mocked by, belittled, and scorned by those of the unbelieving world around us who are blinded by human arrogance and pride and simply do not understand, indeed characterize the true essence and composition of who a human being truly is at the core of his/her very being - not the fallen body of this age (not the “tent”) that is indeed frail and will one day pass away completely but rather the soul that is encased within - the soul that, whether that of a believer or unbeliever, is forever eternal and will live forever, either under eternal salvation with God forever in His Kingdom along with His people or under eternal judgment/torment in the lake of burning sulfur & fire along with all the unbelievers, the unrighteous, the sexually immoral, the idolaters, the adulterers, the men who practice homosexuality, the thieves, the greedy, the drunkards, the revilers, and the swindlers (1 Cor 6:9-10). 

That being said, I am glad to have been proven utterly wrong about who I initially thought you were over the years that I got to observe and to know you better as a wonderful friend and as a fellow sister in Christ - your sincerity of heart/godly character/your genuine love for the Lord/His good ways and for people, a good understanding of the Word and its application to life that few sisters indeed do have to the degree that you have these days, the sincerity which you express with your words and follow up with in your deeds/actions/the way you live life in regards to wanting to continue to grow and to mature in your faith & in Christ, the wonderful help that you are in playing His part for you beautifully as a godly woman in helping me to carry out His design for me as a man of God in cultivating spiritual spaces where God/His Word/the Gospel & His faithfulness/goodness/truth/beauty can be seen/heard/proclaimed/celebrated in word/deed/truth, the ways in which you’ve gone out of your way & continue to do so for those around you even when not asked/expected to do so, the ways in which you selflessly sacrifice and wring out your life for the glory of God & for the good of those around you in the making of disciples, the spiritual gift/skill that God has blessed you with in regards to the gift of encouragement when you use your words (always well-placed) to come alongside and to build up others around you with them in love & in truth ... you are indeed a worthy godly example for our fellow sisters in Christ to imitate and to learn from and I do not find it surprising to any degree why so many of our fellow sisters in Christ seem to seek you out personally (did you ever wonder why that was & even to this day, continues to be the case to this day?) because they, too, see these characteristics/qualities in you that not only are present but also overflowing from the very deepest caverns of who you are (!!). 

As a final word to you, may you indeed know that regardless of how you may think of me that I am indeed sincerely and genuinely rooting for you & cheering you and that brother that you are in a committed relationship with both on ever so fervently, enthusiastically, and joyfully in the hope that it may indeed work out between the two of you and that indeed it may be consummated in the beautiful, wonderful, and glorious joy and covenant relationship of marriage. As for what I think of that brother, I think that he is sufficiently godly enough to rise to the enormous joy and responsibility of being a husband and a father, one who is indeed committed to your well-being and your good (how rare indeed these days), indeed the only brother from your CMU graduating class that I have any degree of godly respect for (if that’s not saying something, then I don’t know what does). Although it has been made abundantly clear to me via my last conversations with you that he may be lacking in some fundamental aspects you would probably like to see more fully manifested in him (i.e. gift of encouragement, leading more fully in biblical love and intimacy), pray for him if you sincerely do love, care, and cherish him as your boyfriend by faith to the God who is able to do what is impossible by man (Luke 18:27), to the God who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think (Eph 3:20-21) ... that our God would grow Him all the more in these areas so that your boyfriend can indeed learn to grow in these areas and become more the man of God that God has designed him to be from the very beginning more today than yesterday, more tomorrow than today and encourage him in these ways with your words (a man who leads in love, the Word, righteousness, selflessness, and intimacy - Eph 5), for it will not only be a blessing for him but also that it would be a blessing onto you and to any children that you may parent along with him one day should your relationship with him truly work out and consummate in marriage.

Go, my dear friend and fellow sister in Christ, love God & people well (my last words to you from our last correspondence), continue in the good example & things that you have learned and been taught by God and by those older than you in life, and may you continue not only to grow & to mature in your faith and in Christ along with growing in ever-deepening & ever-abounding love/adoration/awe/wonder/praise/worship to our God but also to proclaim the Gospel in word, deed, and by the life you live/the way you live it onto all that you encounter & cross paths with to the ends of the earth onto undying end through the Spirit and the grace & strength that He supplies, for you, just like me, have indeed been sent into the dark and unbelieving world around us as witnesses and ambassadors for Christ and know that wherever you are, no matter what season of life, no matter how dark or depressing or how seemingly hopeless things may be at times and at various seasons in your life, that there is always hope even in the midst of greatest darkness, for we indeed serve a God who is never far but who is indeed ever so near and that indeed dearly cares for us (1 Pet 5:7), and that even now as I write these words, the darkness around us is not only momentary but is indeed retreating, fleeing, and giving way to the light of everlasting day as more people believe in the Gospel day after day, as more lost sheep are being found and added to the flock, and as there is indeed a Day coming when glorious victory, light, and truth will be fully consummated at Jesus’ coming and will give way to an everlasting Kingdom that will never be shaken, one untouched by sin, death, pain, suffering, sorrow, and tears forevermore. Live in light of that beautiful truth and reality, my dear friend, sister in Christ, and beloved daughter of God and if I don’t see you in the near future, I believe by faith that I will indeed see you at the end. 

Emmanuel (God is With Us), Jack