#but the idea of having a child with *this fictional character* is fine and my brain keeps going back to this

[alvie-pines]

okay, i'm going to address a few concepts at a time, because i feel this is getting a little unwieldy, discussing seven points at a time.

so firstly, mika not showing interest in girls does not mean he was textually gay before he became a vampire. for that he would have had to show active interest in boys, which he didn't. its fine to headcanon he was always gay, and i do too, but when discussing allegory you have to keep it straight (ha) that mika never expressed ANY attraction prior to becoming a vampire. you can certainly read his absence of attraction as being gay; but you can also read it as straight, or lacking attraction at all. the important thing is that he never showed interest in men romantically or sexually before becoming a vampire, and he did afterwards.

and here i want to be especially clear here, the ideas i am expressing are not my own. of course you can't be converted to homosexuality. but many people think that! so when discussing authorial intent, it must be kept in mind that this might be the framework the author is working from and writing into their world.

as for mika's vampirism not adding anything to his queerness... i must disagree.

the Vampire as allegorical Homosexual is packed with political assumptions and statements about sexuality. when you write a queer or queer-coded vampire, you are, intentionally or not, bringing this subtext to the character.

one of the assumptions this archetype brings is "predatory homosexual tendencies". it is undeniable that the Vampire is a predatory creature that propagates itself through assault—often sexual assault. to draw a line between the Vampire and the Homosexual is to characterize the Homosexual as predatory. while the queer vampire can certainly be reclaimed in a positive way, unless work is done to deconstruct this subtext, it will always be there.

i also want to address the relationship between mika and krul. while yes, she is never sexually predatory towards mika, she doesn't have to be. krul sees mika as a tool and possession; she objectifies him. not a single vampire treats mika like a whole entire person who exists outside of their own desires.

i also want to point out that while krul is the one who fed mika her blood, making her his sire.... this still only happened because of ferid. ferid's blood may not be in him, but it is still ferid who made him a vampire.

its easy to see the logical throughline for someone who believes homosexuality is propagated through assault. an adult vampire [gay man] assaults and hurts an innocent child who never before felt desire for blood [homosexual activities], and as a direct result of this traumatic experience, the child grows up as a vampire [gay man] who desires blood [homosexual activities].

again, none of this reflects my views—these are common myths about queerness that are often propagated through fiction, vampire fiction being a huge contributor to that. i'd also love to have a conversation about how homosexuality is depicted in dracula, because it's not exactly positive, but it also seems to betray bram stoker's queer desires at the same time.

this kind of in-depth convo might be easier through DMs, so you can always DM me if that'd be easier ^^

see if i actually do a serious analysis of ONS, the only conclusion i can come to is that its wildly homophobic. i personally believe that yeah, mikayuu is canon, but only in the sense that mika is meant to be a "temptation" that yuu must ultimately resist...

i mean. its the vampirism-as-homosexuality. its the implication--nay, outright fact--that mika is inappropriately obsessed with yuu because of the vampires' abuses of him as a child, including both sexual abuse and conversion to homosexuality vampirism. its mika inheriting the vampires' tendency to inappropriately obsess, in this context a metaphor for inheriting predatory homosexual tendencies. its the framing of mika and shinoa as competing love interests. its yuu's desire to "save" mika and mika's desire to "have" yuu.

either that or the author is stupid. like catastrophically so, and did this by accident (???)

[kianamaiart]

No offense to the magical girl story you're doing, but I'm not sure about it. It's looks good, and you've put effort into it, but I'm just not fond of magical girl stories, like, why do they always go for the teenage girls and not, you know, adults, particularly ones who already understand the concept of responsibility and sacrifice. But good luck.

That's fine. If you don't like the genre, you don't like it

I thought about playing with the idea of an adult magical girl (magical woman?), similarly over it, but it was giving like... bitter millennial vibes which isn't what I'm going for LMAO.

With an adult it felt like "ah this is her job and she hates it haha she's so relatable". But I wanted my story to feel more like "Oh this girl hates her job, which makes sense she's a baby she shouldn't even have a job or all these responsibilities actually". Since this series is somewhat of a parody of the genre, I feel like leaning into the tropes is important. Teenage girls having this burden of protecting the world is one of them.

It also falls into the themes of being a "gifted kid who people have a lot of expectations for" that I want to explore. Growing up too fast sucks, Aika's aware of that and trying to reclaim her childhood

That's why I'm doing it but in general, I think magical girls are usually teenagers because the genre is generally marketed toward tweenage/teenage girls. A lot of film and fiction is either made to sell a fantasy and/or to inspire. What I love about magical girl animes is that they aim to teach little girls that you can to be feminine and strong. Not that I don't think you can't do that with an adult character but we all know it's nice to see characters that are like you, whether it be race, gender, sexuality and in this case, age. A child doesn't know what it's like to be an adult so seeing a kid like them doing cool shit probably resonates more. Then on the flipside, an adult can remember what it was like for them to be a kid/teenager. So having a younger protagonist can still be relatable or even nostalgic for an adult. I think teenage characters just cast a wider net of appeal/relatability for audiences.

I would love to see more media tackle broader age ranges also, but also I get why high school is an, admittedly overused, but popular age range to write.

[vaguely-concerned]

The Wigmaker Job Reread thoughts

Feat. numerous bonus general Dellamorte boys thinky thoughts, because I can’t help myself when this particular brain state comes over me I will just. keep writing.*

SO I'm rereading The Wigmaker Job and folks, I uh. think Lucanis asked Illario to come along on this job mostly because he's incredibly lonely lmao. Not entirely sure he's recognized this himself and completely sure he would not have the language, ability or instinct to convey this to Illario in a coherent way if he did, but I really do think that's what it is. (He certainly doesn’t make it easy for Illario to actually pitch in meaningfully on the job itself at any point that’s for sure!) And what’s more, I think Illario does realize it, better than Lucanis himself… and did decide to go along with it, huh. I’ll try to show my work a bit later on in the post but for now, we have a lot of rambling ground to cover, let’s get going! 

(Obligatory disclaimer that these are just my personal impressions and reflections slash barely hinged stream of consciousness and if your read on something is different that is totally fine; as usual I am mostly talking out loud trying to explain to myself what the hell I’m thinking more than anything else lol. I’m going to be touching lightly on themes of suicidal ideation and child abuse in this, but only to the extent that is already present in the short story itself. I’ll mostly skirt around the body horror elements too, if those get to you!)

— “The man who’s taken the contract is no ordinary Crow,” Felicia explained, careful to keep her voice steady. 

Ambrose uncorked the wine with a wave of his hand and began pouring it into a crystal decanter. 

“He’s Lucanis Dellamorte.” 

The bottle clanged against the crystal. A crack splintered down the glass. 

“Ah.” Goose bumps pebbled the Wigmaker’s neck. He set the decanter back on the counter and sighed. “Shit.” 

*** 

In an unassuming inn, on an unassuming road, Lucanis Dellamorte sat with a whetstone in hand, his favorite sword resting across his knees. The monotonous movement of grinding stone against metal soothed him. Seven daggers of various size and shape lay polished and glistening on a rough wool blanket at his feet.

The opening mood whiplash of Lucanis’ name being spoken only in hushed voices among the Venatori, smash cut to Lucanis sitting there peacefully sharpening his knives (this is genuinely and unironically what he does for fun. This is his idea of a good time outside of work. Give him a cup of coffee to go along with it and his day is perfect. He’s been contentedly sharpening seven daggers and a sword while Illario gets dressed. Sometimes his attraction to Viago ‘I’m going to make a spreadsheet about who to kill about this I find that relaxes me’ de Riva makes so much sense to me.)? Of course amazing the first time around, but coming back to it now that I like. Know him. No actually that is exactly who and what he is huh got it in one fhsdkj. He’s wearing a sensible neutral toned knitted sweater beneath his brooding hotboi leathers and this is what you need to understand about him.  

I wonder if we were originally going to get more of the Erimond family in the game itself, other than just the notes we do find. It’s not every day a family produces someone even Cole can’t find a good word to say about, it would be fascinating to see what else it’s capable of haha. 

— This whole description of Lucanis’ sensory hypersensitivity especially to sound (hypersensitivity, as we see later, that extends to magic, despite describing himself as being as magically adept as a brick, however that works!) taken together with his, I feel I must reiterate, sharpening his knives for fun… I know diagnosing fictional characters is a flawed premise at the outset but as far as I’m concerned and with a whole game to add to my evidence pile this man is SO autistic and if you read him through that lens it does explain some things hahaha. 

— “Any excuse to primp.” 

“Hey—I’m only here because of you,” Illario grumbled. “We should be halfway home right now. Only ‘the Great Lucanis Dellamorte’ could delay a summons from the First Talon herself.”

Lucanis set his sword aside. Illario was generally thick-skinned— except when it came to their grandmother. “Caterina can hardly complain. She’s the one who beat into me my commitment to contracts.” 

Memories of sweat-filled days without food or water came unbidden. Lucanis’s back tingled from where his grandmother’s cane had bruised his flesh for letting his guard down or fumbling his footwork. For years, he’d hated her. But his time as a Master Assassin had since taught Lucanis that Caterina’s cruelty was her way of making sure that he was prepared for this life—that he survived. 

“All that effort training and grooming us, and the old woman still won’t step aside.” Beneath the bitterness in Illario’s tone was something rotten. 

“Your time will come,” Lucanis assured him. 

“Will it?” Illario’s piercing gaze met Lucanis’s in the mirror. “People talk. You’ve always been her favorite.” 

He’d heard the rumors. For all their secrets and intrigue, the Antivan Crows were a chatty bunch. 

“My talents lie elsewhere,” Lucanis said, gesturing toward the arsenal around him. “You’re the one with the silver tongue.” 

“So, if she named you heir to House Dellamorte, you’d refuse?” Lucanis opened his mouth to respond, when he realized someone was creeping up the stairs.

. . . 

“Lucanis?” Illario pressed. 

He held up a hand and clutched the worn leather grip of his sword. Illario’s pretty-boy mask slipped as a coldness flooded his features. A retractable dagger shot out from under his sleeve.

Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that — etc. but I want this exchange here in its entirety for stuff I’ll talk about later and also hey what the hell and so on. So much going on here. Lucanis’ acts of quiet rebellion by means of a sort of malicious compliance/competence — he’s following Caterina’s teachings to the letter and getting to have some in the spirit room left over for himself. He’s found a loophole to put off going home to something he dreads in an elegant practiced way, I definitely think this is a tactic he’s employed before.to claim some bits and pieces of agency. ‘How can she complain that I’m exactly what she taught me to be?’ suppressed anger/resentment under there. 

The fact that Caterina still hasn’t named either of them as heir at this point continues to be insane, of course, as is the fact that her blatant favoritism is a matter of public knowledge to the point of ‘As you know, Bob —’ connotations and neither of them even thinking to pretend to deny it. Wild shit. If she wanted to create an environment for seething toxic resentment, she couldn’t have done it better if she’d dedicated her life to nothing else lmao. Illario: I think I should be First Talon! Lucanis: I agree (please don’t make me talk to people)! Caterina: Isn’t there someone you forgot to ask? (Would Illario make a good First Talon? I don’t know, what does that even mean, really. But as has been said many a time before it would have been a much more natural use of their skillsets and natural inclinations to have Illario in the people-facing role and Lucanis to watch his back/stab anyone who disagrees, especially if what you’re after is stability. Oh well.) 

The special element of humiliation that it is a matter of public knowledge and tactical consideration across town that you’re the least favorite child… Illario’s obsession with winning the public opinion and being able to control his own image to the outside world is ah. Perhaps understandable.

Many thoughts and feelings about how they’ve individually made sense of/created narratives around the abuse in their upbringing. I didn’t end up going that deeply into that specifically in this post but it is an incredibly important element of their relationship. 

They come back to having this conversation again at the end — everything in this story right down to the structure of it is Lucanis desperately trying to avoid something and finding it implacably still there waiting for him no matter what he does. He’s playing for time as best he can and pretending that if he doesn’t think about it it won’t happen and he won’t have to deal with it, but no matter what happens in between it will be waiting for him at the end — Illario is not letting this go, and neither is Caterina. We open with it, and we close with it; it’s inevitable no matter how you bargain or try to go for the ‘well if I’m real lucky I could just die before that becomes relevant!’ gambit. Oof. Sorry Lucanis this isn’t something you can solve through stabbing no matter how good you are at it I know that’s terrible news for you but here we are my sincerest condolences 

— So cute to see their little double act of casual smalltalk/bickering as a diversion in action already here, in exactly the same way they break it out during the café meeting in Veilguard! Courtney Woods is really good at moments of establishing character like this, showing both the brewing conflict between them and how well they know each other and the ways they can wordlessly communicate because of it all in one scene. How unspeakably comfortable and uncomfortable they are together in ways only family can manage to be haha. 

— Illario complaining that Lucanis let him get a whole outfit made thinking they were actually going to the party and mentioning how long they (not he, they, Lucanis came along for all of that) were at the tailor’s (Lucanis, implied to be very dryly: “I recall.”)... listen. Especially once you hear the banter in the Treviso market about how Lucanis once sat around waiting for six hours while Illario tried on gloves to find exactly the right pair — that is clearly Lucanis making gentle fun of him, but he is also inadvertently revealing something about himself in that he stayed for six hours to keep Illario company through that. I think coming along on shopping trips where he knows nothing is expected of him except to hang out, make light snarky comments when asked for his opinion and wait might kind of be Lucanis’ idea of a good time socially hahaha. Nr. 1 shopping wingman in Thedas. His main ‘I’ll follow you to hell and back with only light complaining’ arena for Illario. This is part of the pattern of not telling Illario the whole plan and deliberately keeping him continually on the backfoot during this whole story — which clearly, not fair to him and not a great look, Lucanis, you’re not being very nice — but I feel like this is also another entry in the pattern of Lucanis desperately craving company and not quite knowing how to ask for it nor perhaps realizing that’s what he’s up to. Also I get the sense he thinks Illario finds getting ready for missions like this and picking out what to wear fun. Which to be fair he’s probably right about, if he just didn’t also go out of his way to make Illario feel like an idiot in the process lmao. 

— At the bottom, they found an elf in a scarlet coat guarding a large steel door. She greeted Lucanis with a cordial smile. “Master Dellamorte. And . . .” 

Her friendly façade faltered as she spotted Illario. 

“Master Dellamorte the Lesser,” Illario offered with a grin. 

“My cousin,” Lucanis clarified. 

Appeased, the elf asked, “Where does your business take you tonight?”

If you wear your self-loathing and resentment on your sleeve for long enough while everyone around you ignores it as a joke it becomes an accessory! And other Illario Dellamorte hot fashion tips in this edition of Treviso Weekly. Fhdskjas the things these two motherfuckers say that they consider completely normal and sane things to say — to each other and to say about themselves and each other in public… 

— Lucanis peeked over the side. No one looked up. One of the world’s greatest wonders is mundane to these people. 

“How do they get it to float?” Illario asked, tapping his boot tip against the aqueduct.

This is so quietly sweet to me. Illario does look up, because he is also a Crow. Courtney Woods is really good at creating these under-the-surface feelings — I love the small details she puts in to emphasize Illario and Lucanis connecting over their common background, over being two Antivans in Tevinter, in being Crows, in being Caterina’s grandsons. (...and also the places those connections fail or fall short. Ouch and owie.) At a point later in the story, Lucanis thinks to look up because he hears Illario’s voice in his head making a joke, reminding him. 

Moving in tandem, Lucanis and Illario dropped to their chests and shimmied to the edge overlooking the courtyard.

Lucanis seems to value these moments of connection through common experience because they don’t require him to speak or explain himself, which he clearly finds extremely hard to the point that he’d rather not even venture the attempt/doesn’t even know how to start. These are wordless ways he and Illario know each other, intimacy/connection that’s natural and effortless where that is clearly incredibly difficult for him in many other settings — body knowledge of another person’s company with the person he (thinks he) knows the best in the whole world, the most familiar and comforting presence in his life. They were boys together, they learned how to move together, they’ve eaten at the same table all their lives. In the Crossroads when he finds the smell of coffee and home there, it’s home because Illario was there with him. Hmghfsk. Agony. Suffering.

— “So, the Wigmaker.” Illario wiggled his fingers ominously. “Tell me about him.” 

“He’s weird,” Lucanis replied bluntly. He found the moments before a job crucial for focus, but Illario was never one for comfortable silence. 

“Specifics, cousin. No one hires us to kill normal people.” 

“I gave you a dossier.” 

“Yes, but I want your assessment.” 

“I wrote it. It is my assessment.” 

“Humor me.” 

Their dynamic in this is so heartbreaking to me in that like… okay this is going to be heavily vibes based and integrating some of the things we get to see of them in Veilguard so bear with me here while I try to explain this to myself. But what Illario is trying to do here is clearly to get Lucanis to engage with him outside of the professional sphere. Of all people in the world at this point in time, I think Illario is the one single person who best knows and also cares the most about Lucanis as a human being, not about what he can do for him. He loves his cousin, he wants to know what Lucanis is thinking, he wants to be engaged with him; he’s trying his fucking damnest to pick the locks to get to the person beneath the Crow, as it were! Maybe to a Lucanis he remembers from long ago, when they were children and the connection between them was effortless and open, not yet marred by all the ways trauma and the unequal dynamic enforced on them has forced them to shut parts of themselves down to survive. I feel there’s a where did you go that I couldn’t follow and when did it happen, why did you leave me here alone, come back sort of undertone to it, both here and in The Wake. As well as in Veilguard itself, come to that! ‘That is not my cousin, that is a demon, a stranger with his face’ is a sentiment that may, perhaps, have deeper roots than Lucanis popping back up from the grave like a jumpscare. Another metaphorical/emotional truth made mockingly literal, as it were, just like Lucanis’ Freeze response and deep sense of being a monster somehow in a way he can’t put his finger on is older than Spite or the Ossuary. (Zara thought making ‘the Demon of Vyrantium’ literal would be great value for shits and giggles, and this is also a Narrative Pattern in this corner of the story, the unspoken emotional metaphors in this fucked up little family heightened and made real through the literary device of magic. It’s good stuff. Veilguard does pretty solid work with metaphors overall, honestly.) 

Meanwhile Lucanis both seems to long for that connection too (there’s a reason he asked Illario to come along with him for this even though he refuses to like. Actually give him the information he needs to actively help out particularly effectively) AND to feel threatened/inadequate when Illario asks for it. I’m not sure he entirely knows how to give Illario the closeness he’s asking for anymore, and the pain both of not being able to give someone you love what they need from you and the feeling of something being fundamentally wrong with you that you can’t understand how to do that, as well as threatening the system of values Caterina has instilled in him so deep: the job always comes first, anything that could stop you from prioritizing that is dangerous, even love. (Especially love, you only get to keep that if you do your job perfectly first.) There’s also the resentment of ‘why are you asking me for more when I already tried to give you this information/closeness in a way I’m actually capable of, if only you’d be serious and pay attention for five minutes’, a feeling of not being understood or seen. A sort of I crave your company but every time I have it it only reveals how I’m fundamentally broken despair and stuckness as well, as we see the sort of fraught irreconcilably mixed emotions in all of Lucanis’ attachment relationships in Veilguard. 

Even at this stage, Lucanis’ is a psychology held together with workaholism and ‘I’ll just bottle this all up in here and then someday, on the bright side, if I’m lucky, I will die and not have to worry about it! If I can’t see it it can’t see me and it’ll be okay’ logic, and Illario’s attempts at breaking through, born of increasing desperation, love, and justified concern as they may be, are disruptive to those defensive structures and Lucanis instinctively rejects them. (Indeed, very much in the same way as Spite’s presence in Lucanis’ psyche works eventually, and eliciting the same initial reactions in him: avoidance, distaste, fear and anger. Davrin too refuses to stop poking and back off at subtler signs, and evokes a lot of the anger and rebellious little shitness for lack of a better word that Lucanis also has with Illario. Which I think ironically is also a sign that Lucanis kind of weirdly trusts him or at least trusts that he understands the parameters of their relationship clearly, it’s one of the few places he lets himself be openly angry right from the get go.) Thus the irritable pulling away/dismissiveness, and thus Illario’s (accurate tbf!) sense of rejection and dismissal and (I think inaccurate or at least incomplete) perception of Lucanis’ motivations for it. Though, again, who can blame him for reaching the conclusions he does with what Lucanis is able to give him to work with here. And so the misery carousel keeps going round and round.  

Illario and Spite speak the same truth to him: WE ARE TRAPPED. WE NEED TO GET OUT SOMEHOW OR IT’LL KILL US. (Inferred and indirect: HELP ME) And because Lucanis’ survival instincts naturally go towards Freeze, being asked for action of that specific kind is what he’s least able to deliver, because it’ll inevitably hurt someone he loves, no matter how he moves. So he just. Doesn’t. Rook finds Lucanis trapped in a chamber deep in his brain I think has existed in a less Fade-enhancedly literal form for much, much longer than the most recent barrage of trauma. The set dressing is new, the underlying logic is old and firmly established.

Lucanis’ instinct to keep the current patterns going as painlessly or numbly as possible, to ‘keep still’ and only work within the structures Caterina has set up for them — because in his mind a flawed yet stable status quo, yes, even a toxic one, is better than the risk of unbearable and irretrievable loss and chaos at its disruption, as they have in fact experienced before under traumatic circumstances — is incredibly destructive to the both of them, and it’s born out of an incredibly deep love and protectiveness. He’s trying to keep Illario safe, in exactly the same way he thinks he’s doing for everyone he cares about by staying in the Mind!Ossuary later, but it’s a child’s/survival instinct’s flawed logic and causing so much harm in the process. Logic that indeed is inherited from Caterina, whose solution to that same logic is what Lucanis is scrambling to protect Illario from the same way he tries to protect himself (if only Illario would understand that and stop rocking the fucking boat!!!, right…). Don’t struggle against the riptide, go limp, if you try to swim against it directly you’ll always lose. (And from Illario’s point of view: well, if you loved me you’d at least try, and not just wait for it to finish the job and finally drown us.) 

In this short story you can feel how they’re trying so hard to speak with each other in the only ways they know how, with the broken mangled tools Caterina left them with, and they can’t understand each other and very soon it’s going to be too late. I’m going to go lie down on the bottom of the ocean for ten thousand million billion years. 

— More observations of the patterns between them in this generally because it didn’t fit anywhere else lol: here’s the feeling I get. Illario makes bids for connection, Lucanis seems to bluntly brush him off even as we see from his internal dialogue just how fond he is of Illario — I think even some of the more dismissive comments he makes in his head is more along the lines of the affectionate amusement we see him have around people he cares about and their foibles in Veilguard too. If you listen to how he talks about Viago and Caterina especially, there’s that same laconic observation of their peculiarities as a part of how he loves them. HowEver. He and Illario do not have the tools or understanding to express to each other that ‘oof, no, that hit on something too tender, back off’, other than to try to jab back harder and sharper. And so resentments build and deepen on both sides without ever getting any outlets. A relationship where you don’t have the right or means to say ‘no’ is never going to be a healthy one, and saying ‘no’ is the one thing Caterina has most forbidden. In other relationships Lucanis solves this by creating distance internally — Caterina is in his inner world, but she’s the outermost lock, kept further away from his deepest self. He does not resent her ‘anymore’ (he says and probably thinks. I think he might ah. Have deferred it more than resolved it but that’s just me lol), but he has protected himself from her within the means he had to do it with and found a way to maintain his attachment to her in that state. And yet he is incapable of and/or unwilling to do that same process with Illario, to let go of the closeness he can maintain there. Illario is the innermost lock of his psyche, the person who has meant the most to him and as unguardedly as he’s capable of, who he’s held the closest all this time… even after finding out what he did. 

Illario is the safest, closest relationship he has… which also means that he is the one who gets parts of all the anger and resentment and frustration that cannot be there with Caterina in particular because that would be Dangerous Territory in a multitude of ways. I think Lucanis tries to mitigate this by more deliberately pouring that stuff into his job, but it’s still down there unresolved at the core, bubbling away, the fumes rising and infecting his interpersonal relationships in subtle ways. Even the ‘read the goddamn brief Illario’ move and refusing to budge is just another version of the malicious compliance/competence as rebellion that this whole mission is towards Caterina. (Unfortunately this is how it works sometimes when you’ve had to push things down that hard for that long; it comes out with the people we love the most and who deserve it the least.) And even then it’s mostly in undercurrents moving beneath the surface— it’s something that happens in an obfuscated and buried enough way that you can’t simply break it open all at once and let air in to stop the wounds from festering. If Illario did try to bring it up directly, I do not think Lucanis at this point would be capable of staying with it, he would flinch away and dissociate/freeze and deny it was even a thing at all (be unable to recognize it as a thing at all). And Illario clearly knows this too — you get the feeling that he’s been trying and trying and trying to get through here and found no way. He’s at the end of his rope, and not just about the First Talon conundrum.

Whenever they are speaking to each other, they are also speaking to Caterina through each other because you can’t really bargain with God directly (especially one that’s known to be a wrathful god given the provocation), but there’s enough of her and her meanings fused into you over the years that it’s almost the same thing when you talk. And sometimes it’s hard to see past her to your brother actually standing there with you.   

I’m going to SCREAM Lucanis loves Illario so much that he would prefer to die, would condemn himself to hell in his own mind forever rather than face having to lose him or deliberately harm him, AND YET!!!! AND STILLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! He is letting him down and leaving him behind and making him feel small and stupid in ways so incredibly profound and sad without even realizing it all the time. No one in this family has ever been equipped to talk about anything ever and I doubt they’re about to start now and I need to tear into something with my TEETH

Anyway. Breakdown over, on with our regularly scheduled tevinter nights reread post with slightly less anguish lol. 

— [Lucanis] clapped a hand over the mage’s mouth and slammed his skull against the wall. “Knock it off.

What does he have to go and be so casually funny for at all times. The undisputed master of the perfectly tuned in levels of comedic mild exasperation. Stop stop I already love him. 

— Illario waited with a chair and rope. 

“Sit down.” He beamed. “Enjoy a little Antivan hospitality.” 

While his cousin secured their prisoner’s bindings, Lucanis retrieved his sword from the wall. e mage was coming to. His unfocused eyes took stock of his situation. 

“I won’t talk,” he spat. “Even if you torture me.” 

“I’m too busy to torture you,” Lucanis said, and ran him through with his sword. 

. . .

Illario frowned. “If I’d known you were just going to kill him, I wouldn’t’ve put so much effort into the knots.” 

“Check his pockets.” 

“Ah—” Illario said, pulling a scroll from the mage’s jacket. “Found something.” 

The seal was broken, but the imprint of two dragons was still visible in the wax. “Venatori.”

 “Thought as much. What’s it say?” 

Illario unrolled the parchment and scanned the page. “‘Gallant brothers and sisters . . . In our veins runs true Tevinter blood, passed down from the dreamers—’” Illario’s head snapped up as Lucanis began pulling his sword from the mage’s chest. “ Careful! Remember the tanner job? You ruined my best shirt.” 

Lucanis smirked and continued extracting the blade. 

Illario took two wary steps back, then continued reading.

Unfortunately I do love it when Lucanis is a troll fhsdkj 

— Lucanis’ inner logic that he can buy the tiniest sliver of autonomy and meaning by consistently offering up a sacrifice of perfection — that’s the silent deal he’s struck with Caterina, an exchange she’ll accept as long as he doesn’t try to get too clever with it, and his subsequent panic in Veilguard when he’s too worn down to be able to perform to perfection anymore (and with that, in this internal logic, goes his right to autonomy or freedom)……….. He really does make me so so SO sad. He needed so much therapy even before the Ossuary. Some deeply entrenched ideas about the basic transactionality in even the closest relationships here. (Where I think Illario is kind of his exception to. That’s an assumed mutual unconditional love even when some terms and conditions probably would be in order actually situation for him.) 

Also I think this is a useful look at how the Crows operating on ‘might makes right’ lines could be harnessed if you’re of a mind — basically anything goes, as long as you’re good enough to get away with it and/or don’t step on enough toes that the rest of the crab bucket momentarily team up to tear you down. And Lucanis chose to use that little loophole to go ‘well you see I’d sort of like to get to be kind sometimes actually’. Which, y’know. Eccentric for a Crow, to be sure, but are you going to be the one to tell the Demon of Vyrantium himself, Caterina Dellamorte’s most speacialest and scariest little murderboy, that he can’t keep protecting servants of the households he hits because it’s making the whole team look kind of soft??? The whole business runs on ‘I’m bigger and stronger than you so don’t try any shit’, and Lucanis has successfully built up the image of being bigger and stronger than anyone who’d think to try any shit well enough to get away with it, as Caterina has achieved for their house overall. (It’s not like him sparing witnesses gets in the way of the interest of other houses or anything anyway, he’s creating potential trouble for himself more than for anyone else which I hardly think anyone would feel compelled to protest against. If it’d been something that threatened anyone else’s bottom line, a completely different story, but I think Lucanis understands the system well enough to know where he can get away with it.) And again, all he has to do to earn it is to deliver unflinching inhuman perfection at all times! So that’s not a stressful set of psychological parameters to have to function under at all, especially when you feel yourself start to fail as you’re falling apart after horrible new waves of trauma lmao

Which I think is partially also what the ‘You think I’m not good enough?’/’Are you?’ exchange is about — it’s an extremely unhelpful and mean thing to say the way he does (especially in front of other people! Other people who, to Illario, are basically strangers!), but it’s also said out of howling protectiveness and a deep recognition of this stark truth. You can get away with it if you’re good enough, and if you’re not good enough you’re dead. Something Lucanis is blithely ready to risk his own life on all the time for perfect strangers, and is completely unwilling to accept when it comes to Illario’s life! Lucanis’ love has that light element of  possessiveness/proprietariness to it from time to time — the ‘he is ours’ sentiment that both he and Spite maintain for Illario in love and in hate. I have a lot of sympathy for it because it obviously comes from a place of painfully earnest love and fear in someone who has lost people in horrible ways at a young age, but there is something paternalistic in that protectiveness too, a lack of trust in Illario to take care of himself and willingness to cross lines in Illario’s own autonomy to ensure that he’s safe. (Not healthy or anything but considering the shit Illario pulls in this game… a little bit of can you fucking blame him I’d be three seconds away from an ulcer about it at all times too going on here haha). ‘It’s okay if you don’t agree or don’t forgive me afterwards, it’s all worth it if it means you’re safe, if it means you’ll survive’. Sins of the grandma dude. Sins of the grandma. The generational trauma starts coming and it won’t stop coming. 

— I also think it’s relevant that Lucanis can count on some things from Caterina consistently, as long as he upholds his part of the ‘deal’ between them to be her perfect poor boy slash best knife who’ll never let her down. However devastating the cost of her regard and support is, it’s only Illario who’s left completely to fend for himself in this family dynamic. A little bit of what the fuck does he have to lose going on here. Lucanis, I suppose. For a long he has Lucanis to lose, but Lucanis is starting to act an awful lot like he’s not that invested in living too much longer. So where does that leave you if you’re Illario. With a very dumb plan that was never going to work, apparently. 

— While hunting his mark, Lucanis had opened the wrong door and walked into an orgy. Getting out of that had been interesting.

Nothing of substance to add here except that the mental image is hysterical, of course, and only more so after having a whole game to get to know him. Also this is just my personal read but I don’t think Lucanis would use seduction, even as a tactic on a job, by choice — my feeling is that his act as a servant in Vows and Vengeance would be more indicative of the social stealth skills he’d use when that’s what gets him where he needs to be. (Very tired service worker towards the end of their shift might in fact be the role he was born to play he has exactly the vibes for it.) 

A good assassin knows his tools, and I think Lucanis realizes that flirting, even in a professional capacity as it were, is one of his blunter and more inflexible ones and so mostly wouldn’t use it haha. If he understood someone to be attracted to him in a way that required nothing much of him actively and would somehow aid the job I’m sure he’d use the opportunity it provided well enough, don’t get me wrong, but I just don’t believe it’d ever occur to him to go there as an opening move. The theoretical understanding is mostly there, the practical application… maybe less so. He knows he’s not very good at it and so wouldn’t rely on it if he could help it; that’s Illario’s sandbox to play in. Again this is just my personal opinion, so feel free to disagree of course, I know people have a range of reads on this element.  

— His skull felt raw. The backs of his eyeballs itched like he hadn’t blinked in days. Whatever magic Ambrose was using for his creations was tearing at the seams of the Veil. 

“Something’s wrong.” 

“Yeah,” Illario agreed, zeroing in on a group of half-dressed revelers, “we’re up here, away from the fun.” 

Lucanis snapped his fingers in front of his cousin’s face. “Focus.” 

“I am.” 

“On the job.” 

“To be fair, you never told me the plan.” 

Lucanis shrugged. “Find Ambrose. Slit his throat.” 

“Sounds complicated.” 

“It will be. The Veil’s thin here. Thinner than I expected.” He rubbed the stubble on his chin. “One wrong spell and this place will be swarming with demons.” 

“Then let’s kill the bastard and scram. I want to see what this city has to offer.” 

“Our ship sails at dawn.” 

Illario waved a dismissive hand. “Plenty of time for some good, old fashioned debauch—” 

“I see him,” Lucanis interrupted.

Lucanis does this really nasty thing with Illario where he first pushes him away and then punishes him for being disengaged with him/what they’re doing, or asks him for something he then rejects when he gets it. (I think he has some of this pattern in other relationships too but without the punishment or idk… familiarity/presumptiveness/feeling of natural entitlement to their attention part. Illario is his brother, the attachment there is safe/established enough that the part of him that doesn’t think he’s worth someone’s attention doesn’t kick in as it does in pretty much every other relationship. He’d never blame Rook or any of the Lighthouse crew for pulling away from him that same way, that’s a deep well of ‘well yeah valid I also don’t really want to have anything to do with me tbf :/’ self-loathing waiting to open up, ‘protecting’ him from making a presumption like that or imaging himself to have rights or worth interpersonally in basically any other context or relationship at the outset. But with Illario the love is always assumed. Both ways. You have a right to me on that level, and I have the right to you. The only person he takes for granted. Because that’s family. Oh boy.) 

See also: the way he barely acknowledges Illario greeting him when he comes back from the Ossuary and more crucially as far as Lucanis might expect Illario’s perspective to be beneath any repressed suspicions, from the dead — very understandably so, considering the Dire mood and implications and ‘...where’s Caterina’ of it all, but it’s also a larger pattern he has. I think he feels such deep love for Illario that he doesn’t quite get that he also has to like. Show that deep love for it to be understood by the other party. And it sure comes across as very dismissive from the outside, or if a person is perhaps primed to have that insecurity already by the entrenched family dynamics at play. Oh boy 2 electric boogaloo. 

Buddy you are setting the person you love the most up to lose again and again and again… and it would break his heart to truly realize that, probably, but I don’t know if he’d know how to stop doing it, either. 

This seems to be all completely subconscious, to be clear. These are clearly patterns established from when they were extremely young, and it’s hard for fish to conceptualize being surrounded by water other than when the absence of it leaves them gasping and dying, I suppose.

Shallower thought: So Lucanis is also not clean-shaven here! Probably a more casual didn’t bother to shave/not quite as meticulously maintained five o’clock shadow going on as with Illario, but perhaps a tiny bit of the pot calling the kettle black here, Mr. Lucanis ‘long black leather overcoat’ Dellamorte isn’t unconcerned with looking cool, in his more restrained way. (As we all know ‘looking cool’ is the foundational base of a Crow’s Maslow’s pyramid of needs to the point that Spite went ‘can do!’ immediately upon contact with Lucanis’ soul and never stopped dhfkjs.)

— “They’re never what you envision, are they?” Illario noted. 

“What did you expect?” 

“Hair, for one. Maybe a funny little dog.” 

That got a chuckle out of Lucanis, if only briefly.

The thing is that I love these two dumbasses so incredibly much. You see. This exchange of funny little observations is a huge part of how Lucanis interacts with Rook especially out on missions too, you can see where his patterns for having close relationships come from. Also restating my point from other metas that Lucanis seems to come alive a bit with collaborative humour, that’s clearly a social dynamic he finds soothing and also engaging, a way he knows how to take an outstretched hand. Since that seems to come from his relationship with Illario when it’s at its best… pain and suffering in my heart again needless to say

— Lucanis pays a lot of attention to people’s clothes and is very good at understanding what they’re trying to signal with their outfits. Overall he’s excellent at understanding people’s ways of thinking in the abstract/from a distance, as long as he doesn’t have to interact with them directly and interpersonally. Because then he falls to absolute pieces under the slightest pressure and runs. Again the best my particular brand of autism representation probably not even meant to be representation I’ve ever seen lol. 

— Camille had just taken a sip of watered-down mulsum, when a handsome stranger grabbed her glass and downed the rest. 

“Excuse me!” she exclaimed. The party drowned out her words, but Lucanis could still read her lips. “That’s my drink.” 

Illario simply smiled. “Guess I’ll have to buy you another.” 

Lucanis groaned—not only at the line, but that it worked. Even from his position, he could see Camille was hooked. He shouldn’t be surprised. This was old hat for Illario. But it was always amazing to see what one man’s smile could accomplish.

Lucanis’ mildly baffled and somewhat begrudging admiration for Illario’s social skills is so funny. As far as he’s concerned this is some kind of black magic beyond his ken. It must be a bit of pretty privilege involved in this case tho because what the fuck how did that land. Hey whatever works Illario you spent all that time on your outfit for a reason never let anyone tell you your slutty little unbuttoned shirt isn’t serving a tactical purpose I’m not about to tell you how to do your job

the fact that Illario is in fact a very good Crow. he's just not Lucanis. that's his original sin huh. never getting away from that one.

— Do u think Illario’s move with putting the keys on the tray instead of pocketing them and going back to Lucanis is maybe one of his small spiteful acts of rebellion. Ah. Family traditions. Truly they bind us together. 

— The Lucanis in this story is so much more… contained than the Lucanis we get to meet in the game, for good or ill. In Veilguard he is constantly fraying at the seams and cracking open under all the pressure he’s under, which for sure and of course is Not Great and causes him a lot of pain and distress — but also the whole that’s how the light gets in etc. thing, it also means it’s easier for things to find their way in to him and for him to let things out. Meanwhile here, there’s more the sense of immense tension —  a harder, more determined/deliberate lack of being able to move than the total helplessness of being stuck in the mind!Ossuary, but with some of the same quality. Illario tries to get in to find him and in his way I really do think Lucanis is trying to reach out to Illario as well as he knows how, but there’s a rigidness there that stops anything from really getting through or changing. Illario’s guilt trip letter after Sea of Blood saying that control is the quality he’s always most associated with Lucanis makes a lot of sense when you read this short story, even though I think Illario is mistaking ‘control’ for ‘deadening anything too vulnerable or ‘frivolous’ until I’m just a tool that can do a job’. That letter is transparently Illario deliberately pressing down on a bruise he knows to be tender, but it feels like there’s some kernel of truth to it beneath that which makes the sting all the worse. 

— Up ahead, Lucanis spied the servants’ entrance. If he could reach it, there was just enough space to wedge his body into the covered niche above the door. Not easily, of course, but nothing ever was. 

*Resigned Lucanis voice* Nothing is ever easy. (He does literally say this word for word in one of Bellara’s quests, and in exactly the tone you’d expect haha. He is my favourite person of all time)

— Lucanis thought about securing the entrance—leaving it unlocked could raise suspicion—but chose not to in case Illario decided to work tonight. He could already hear his cousin’s honeyed excuses— But seducing a beautiful woman is work! He snorted and pushed farther inside.

I do believe a certain amount of affectionate dunking is part of Lucanis’ love language and it’s too bad that’s kind of become a sore point/unequal power balance between him and Illario because it is frequently so funny fhdakj. Also kind of sweet to see the precedent for Lucanis sort of… keeping people he loves in his head like this, the locks in Inner Demons are clearly literalizations of a process he already sort of does naturally. He listens to the Illario and Caterina in his head multiple times during this story. I’m repeating my ‘this man is so desperately lonely in a way he doesn’t know how to solve’ point for emphasis. A common affliction in many of the Veilguard main cast, Solas of course being the most egregious and ongoing example. This game has Themes and it’s sticking to them haha <3<3<3 

— The cold opulence of the place reminded Lucanis of a Chantry rather than a home. 

Very interesting observation, now that we’ve seen Villa Dellamorte for ourselves! Is all I’ll say. (*Spite voice* Home? …Smells like linseed oil and dust)

Atlases bearing the visages of past Archons held up vaulted ceilings glittering with mosaic depictions of Tevinter’s golden age. The cost of such a commission must have been astronomical��both in coin and lives. How many slaves had gone blind gilding each individual tile? How many backs had been broken from hauling and placing stone after stone? 

There was patriotism and there was obsession. Neither was worth it.

Again. Very interesting observations from a man raised in a mansion built on spilled blood and with Crow decorations anywhere you turn right down to the wallpaper haha. Tevinter/specifically the Venatori lets him indulge in some ‘clean’ anger and disdain that he can’t have back home because it’s, y’know. Home. He may not have a lot of illusions about the Crows, but he also is deeply bound to them. Lucanis will sublimate his anger into ANYTHING including turning it on himself before he lets it touch something he loves. 

— Brief detour away from the general/worldstate agnostic approach of this post to my personal shenanigans, but…. Lucanis ‘breaking into morbid nursery rhymes internally while on a murder spree’ Dellamorte 🤝 Ellaryen ‘absent-mindedly reciting funeral rites in his head in the middle of a fight to keep his rhythm and also start to get it out of the way ASAP while people fall like flies around him’ Ingellvar. Made for each other, truly. 

— Too bad we never got to see Lucanis using a garotte in the main game, that’s clearly one of his go-tos normally. I suppose trying to do stealth sections with Taash on the team is a tall order even for Lucanis Dellamorte. The Crows AXE their regards!!! ]>:D

— The dead weight of the first man pulled the second one up until they both hung around the limestone Archon’s nape like a loose cravat.

Once more, I love Courtney Wood’s writing style. What a mental image. The tone of light comedy as Lucanis 9-5s his way patiently through all these guards is pitch perfect. 

— Spread out. Lucanis mouthed the words as the guard gave the order.

This dude really is out here doing his job like it’s a video game level he’s done a hundred times before hahaha. He’d be skipping dialogue and sequence breaking all over the place if he could. (Speedrunner Lucanis for modern AU, there’s a concept anyone can have for free that’s hilarious. He does cooking videos, knife maintenance videos and insane video game speedruns interchangeably on his channel and never speaks a single word nor leaves a note through text in any of them god bless. He has three followers no update schedule goes years without making a video and has never spoken to anyone online. He is my babygirl.) 

— One for silence.

Two for surprise.

Three for good measure.

Four’s exercise.

Five for a slaughter. 

Six for the thrill.

Seven means more sovereigns.

“Eight marks the final kill,” Illario said, coming to stand next to him.

The whole nursery rhyme, and Illario coming in with the unspeakably sinister final line here, considering what we know happens not even that long after this job! Again the connection there is between them, though — they were thinking about the exact same thing, counting it out with the same old remembered words. 

“Do you still recite that old nursery rhyme? The one Caterina made us memorize during training?”

Lucanis moved to retrieve his throwing knives. “What can I say? It’s catchy.” 

“That’s a word for it.” Illario glanced at the swaying guards overhead. “You know, if the Vints ever learn to look up, you’re screwed.” 

“They’d have to stop looking down their noses.” He narrowed his eyes. “Your tunic’s rumpled.” 

Illario flashed a sheepish grin. “You weren’t the only one tussling with guards.” 

“Tussling, huh?” Lucanis shook his head. “That’s a word for it.” 

“I’m happy to kiss and tell, but shouldn’t we do something about this?” Illario wrinkled his nose and nodded toward the sticky fluid seeping out from underneath the slain guards.

My nebulous vibe has always been that they’re basically the same age with Lucanis a tiny bit older, but IMMENSE younger sibling little shit energy from him in this moment fhdksfas glorious. Sheepish grin is also a very fun look on Illario I wish they’d leaned in a bit more on that capacity for him in-game. If he read as more calculatedly bumbling it’d change some of the scenes a lot in terms of feeling, I think 

— “Never known you to have a soft heart,” Illario muttered. 

Lucanis’s right cheek muscle twitched. “She won’t talk.” 

“This isn’t Antiva. We’re not heroes here.” 

“We’re not heroes anywhere, cousin.” 

Illario rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean. The Venatori already have your name. If they learn your face—” 

“I’ll grow a beard.” Lucanis smirked. “They’ll never see me coming.” 

Illario’s frustration deflated. He grinned reluctantly. “That cavalier attitude’s going to get you killed.” 

Lucanis turned the key until the bolt unlatched. “It’s served me well so far.”

a) so it’s Illario who’ll refuse to take things seriously if he doesn’t feel like it, is it, Lucanis lol, b) ‘I’ll grow a beard’ :’) well. He did. Do you think Illario thinks about that every time he looks at him now, c) owie owie owie the foreshadowing 

I think being a hero is not important to Lucanis at all, being a professional/being able to do the job is. (Being the perfect professional buys him getting to do hero things when his heart calls him to, but the role of hero itself is clearly not a priority or something he particularly wants.) 

Lucanis clearly mostly works alone — I wonder how often Illario has come along before. We know he has pulled ‘soft heart’ moves before this, from in-game banter, but probably without Crow witnesses. How much does even Caterina know about? Might be some proof in the pile of how much he trusts Illario that he’s so blatant about it here. 

— Lucanis gestured for Illario to follow as he slipped through the entryway. They stood for a moment, quiet and still, allowing their eyes to adjust. Ten paces ahead, a stairwell materialized in the shadows. eir descent was slow going. Wrought iron made for easy creaks and groans. Each step was a test of patience—and balance. Lucanis went first, showing Illario where to place his feet.

And 

“He was my cousin, but we were more like brothers, really. Always getting himself into every sort of trouble. And I was always right behind him, you know? Always.” Illario’s voice suddenly grew thick with emotion. “Now there’s nobody for me to follow.” (From The Wake)

:) ahahaha. Ha. 

Both of them independently using the ‘but we’re more like brothers’ phrasing exactly the same way too. Alright. Okay. I’m fine

— All at once, the room became aware strangers were present. One by one, they moaned a horrifying chorus of despair. Lucanis stumbled back, his mouth dry. Something inside snapped. Death’s too good for this bastard. 

Illario touched his arm. Only then did Lucanis realize how quickly he was breathing. He closed his eyes. Remember your training , he told himself, and suddenly, he could hear the tapping of his grandmother’s cane, the hard elegance of her voice. There is no place for emotion in killing. It’s sloppy. File it down. Make it useful.

Illario being able to notice Lucanis being incredibly upset when he’s too overwhelmed to register/be aware of it himself and bringing him back to himself with nothing more than a touch to the arm is not devastating to me at all. It’s fine. In Inner Demons, even Viago and Teia fail to recognize that Lucanis is about to come completely apart psychologically, but again… I think Illario really does know his cousin better than anyone in a lot of ways. (And less than anyone in other ways, but hey, that’s family for ya lol) 

Make it useful, he repeated to himself. With slow, controlled breaths, Lucanis flushed the rage pumping through his veins until he could think clearly. 

I’m actually so happy they went away from focusing on the concept of wrath/passion as the touchstone for Lucanis’ character and angled it more towards the interpersonal issues he has with anger and with his sense of self than his rage at cruelty and injustice like this — that starts to step on the toes of Anders’ narrative space as a bisexual possessed disaster without bringing anything particularly new to the equation, which would have been a shame. Also as I’ve made no secret of I love what they are doing with him in the game SO MUCH I can turn him gently around to gaze at him forever 

— “What are you doing?” Illario whispered. 

“Breaking their shackles.” 

Illario stared. “That’s not the job.” 

“Fuck the job.” 

I think Illario is the only person Lucanis would ever say that in front of at this point. (See also: his point about honesty in their line of work towards the end.) This is a BIG admission from him, that there could be anything more important than the work Caterina raised them to — than Caterina’s approval and recognition. And what a horrible hurt that must be for Illario — ‘you’re willing to risk incurring Caterina’s wrath for total strangers on a whim, and yet not for me??’. (They both seem to recognize that death is secondary as a motivator here, Lucanis would rather die than let Caterina down, that’s the easy way out, and he’s putting that on the table frfr with the shit he’s pulling here.) Also part of what makes Illario fear Lucanis is rapidly spiralling/hurtling towards the edge of a cliff, probably, this acting on impulse is clearly not an everyday sort of thing for him. We know he’s made decisions of his own on jobs before, but probably not on this scale/in front of another Crow. 

There’s going to be room for so much ‘...why could you change for them and not for me? (why are they worth choosing to live for, and I wasn’t?)’ hurt on Illario’s side towards Rook and the Lighthouse crew after the events of the game. Maybe not as much on the Minrathous route, but even there. Like he doesn’t have much of a right to that after pulling the attempted fratricide card (that’s going to be the refrain of the rest of Illario’s life huh :’) entirely self-inflicted yet awful to have to live with; the Illario Dellamorte post Veilguard story), which only makes it worse to contemplate! Fun times in viddy games.  

— A+ body horror writing going on here, of course, hate every single thing about this thanks for asking!

—To his right, Lucanis sensed Illario readying his dagger. He gently grabbed his cousin’s wrist and shook his head. Illario gawked at him, his jaw clenched. 

The Wigmaker began the walk back toward the stairs. A groaning lament followed as he passed. When he was close enough to touch, Illario tensed—as if to lunge forward. Lucanis tightened his hold, his thumb finding the pressure point at the base of his wrist. The dagger fell from Illario’s grasp. Lucanis swiped it up before it clanged to the ground. 

What are you doing? Illario mouthed. 

Again, Lucanis motioned him to stand down. 

Once they heard Ambrose climb the stairs and close the door, Illario wrenched his arm free. 

“Have you lost your mind? We had him!” 

“He doesn’t deserve a quick death.” 

“Did you forget the mess you left upstairs? What do you think will happen when Ambrose finds his bodyguards slaughtered?” 

“Hopefully he panics. I want him scared.” 

“He’ll flee,” Illario asserted. “And this contract will be forfeit. Your life will be forfeit.”

Illario ‘cousin I am trying to have a fucking INTERVENTION with you here why am I more concerned about whether you live or die than you are!!!’ Dellamorte. His cousin is seemingly losing his fucking mind and playing with the one thing Caterina values above all and possibly would sacrifice even Lucanis for: the integrity of their House among the Crows. He’s seeing Lucanis determinedly, near methodically setting himself up for death no matter what path he ends up going down. This would be. Stressful. To have to witness, I imagine.

I do think Lucanis is passively suicidal in the way that he would vastly prefer to die on a job before he’d ever have to face the impossible choice that awaits them with the First Talon title back home — where he’s forced to let down either Caterina or Illario, possibly to spend the rest of his life on something he doesn’t want and might cost him his relationship with Illario, and is unable to deal with the thought of it so he just Avoids for all he’s worth. And he’s worth a lot that way. Which Illario clearly also recognizes and might be part of this freakout — having to watch your cousinbrother casually preparing to fall on his own sword for what seems like basically no fathomable reason (for these STRANGERS and not for me!!?!?!) and not be able to get through to him no matter what you try... you know. It’s kind of just a bad time all round for Illario too. He goes and chooses to do all the wrong things about it, of course, his talent for making everything worse in every way he possibly could is unparalleled (affectionate and derogatory), but I have a lot of empathy for where he’s coming from emotionally in a lot of ways. While you exist I’m nothing, and when you are gone I am nothing. And after you come back. Guess what. I’m still nothing. Imagine that. The Illario Dellamorte story. 

(Lucanis has also seen a lot of really horrible shit on the job lately, Venatori bullshit being what it is. That stuff must start to build up after a while, him finally snapping here makes a lot of sense.) 

— “Illario—” 

But the other Crow wasn’t finished. “I thought the plan was to have a few laughs, slit some throats—not release a demon swarm!” 

“Plans change,” Lucanis replied. His gloved palm covered the door handle. 

“Well, for the record, I preferred the other one.” 

“Noted.” 

Aw. This is my main proof that Illario does in fact understand the plea for company behind Lucanis asking him to come along on this job. Possibly better than Lucanis understands that himself, which could perhaps be. Exasperating to deal with — but he did also come along and with only light complaining etc. I umm. love them both. Some more musings about how Illario has clearly been the person most responsible for/involved in Lucanis having any kind of social life before Veilguard times: 

Comment Lucanis has around some more party districts of Minrathous in-game: “The nightlife was always more Illario's thing. He said I should get out more. Fulfilling Crow contracts didn't count.” (Illario is a terrible little fuckboy murderlad but consider what he’s had to deal with over the years…braver than any us marine etc. he’s been the one trying to convince Lucanis to take care of himself and maybe even have a good time at some point for like 20 years, a monumental task we know it takes a village/Lighthouse to make headway with. A man who has had to say ‘hey we should do something fun. No not a job with extra garrotting Lucanis Maker’s breath I was thinking a party or something’ more times than any of us have had hot dinners) 

+

Lucanis, trust me! Take this contract and we’ll be the toast of Treviso. Would I lead you astray? But I can imagine your face at that question. A better question, then: Would you truly leave me to my own devices? What would I do without you? Come, cousin, it will be just like last summer. I’ll buy the wine afterwards. —Illario

Letter we find in the room in Villa Dellamorte where it’s implied Illario has been staying since staging his little failcoup — it’s right across the hall from where he’s imprisoned his grandmother btw and I have a pet theory that it’s Lucanis’ old room. Illario Dellamorte what is wrong with you (so many things).

Illario has seemingly been drinking and reading this letter — this letter that Lucanis kept after receiving it, so Illario must have found it among his belongings at some point after his ‘death’ and has also kept it around ever since — in the same room where there’s a burned letter from Zara in the fireplace, even though the house is filled to the rafters with the Ventatori and trying to hide evidence of that connection is thus uh. Well it seems a bit late in the game to be worrying about that, is all I’m saying. It lends some credence to the idea that him crossing out Lucanis’ name in the family tree and scribbling ‘DEMON’ over it probably does carry some real emotional charge and isn’t just a tantrum/uncomplicated show of jealousy. 

So historically Illario has gone out of his way to spend time with Lucanis, and he seemingly is usually the one to reach out/take initiative in that? Lucanis clearly appreciates it — he kept that silly little letter (I am INCONSOLABLE about it btw), that comment he makes about the blight-beached boat in the Hossberg Wetlands that ‘Illario and I went on a sailing trip once. The boat ended up like that one, minus the blight (paraphrased yet very dear to me)’. Social connection is a need Illario has recognized in Lucanis before and offered even when Lucanis himself wouldn’t think to ask for it, is what I’m trying to say. I think. *sigh* listen you’ve gotten this far in the post hopefully you realize I am not entirely sure what I’m saying most of the time I’m trying to nail light to a wall here please have patience with me fhaskj

— Lucanis seems to navigate by sound a lot (which makes sense, considering how much of his job happens in the dark). Spite navigates mostly though a sense of (supernatural) smell. They’ve got a lot of eye imagery around them, but sight is not actually the most central sense for either of them. Nothing more coherent to add to that just observations haha 

— you ever think about the fact that despite everything caterina is ultimately unwilling to let go of Illario, and Illario is unwilling to let go of her. Me neither. 

— “Where are the bodies?” Illario asked. 

Effe shrank into herself. “I moved them.” 

“Not by yourself, you didn’t.” He turned to Lucanis, a smug sneer on his face. “I told you she’d talk.”

Proof Illario is not in fact an idiot and recognizes the basic logistics of a matter, and why his ‘oooh I think Zara must be back in Vyrantium already how inconvenient…’ ploy must be extra ‘...uh-huh cousin’ sus to Lucanis in Veilguard fhdjask. Trying to keep his terminator grandmother safely under lock and key while his cousin is back from the dead and possibly is now a demon with his face because of you and also you have to keep track of what lies you’ve told to what people must be incredibly stressful tbf I wouldn’t be keeping a particularly cool head either 

— Back down the hall, something wet slammed against the studded door. 

Effe’s bravado crumbled. “What was that?” 

“Take her,” Lucanis told Illario. “Find the others.” 

“Other what?” His eyes darted to the elf. “ Slaves? Absolutely not.” 

Lucanis continued as if Illario had agreed, “There’s a statue with a passage—like the one we used before. It’s not far. You should be able to escape in the chaos.” 

Illario blanched. “Did you not hear me? I said—” 

“Athima will help you. She’s the elf we met earlier.” 

“I don’t give a damn what her name is. I’m not—” 

“Once Ambrose is dealt with, I’ll meet you at the docks.” 

“Lucanis!” Illario shouted. “We are not revolutionaries.” 

Lucanis inhaled, his nostrils flaring. Illario was right. The Antivan Crows were assassins, not freedom fighters. Back home, people liked to romanticize, but Lucanis knew what he was. Still, his fingers twitched. 

“They are not responsible for their master’s mistakes.” He locked eyes with his cousin. 

Illario tried to remain resolute, but it was like touching hot steel. Sighing, he cursed and turned to Effe. “Come on,” Illario snapped. 

She glanced toward Lucanis. He gave her a reassuring nod. 

“My cousin may be a snob, but he’s true to his word.” 

“Are you? ” she asked, referring to his promise about Ambrose. 

“The Wigmaker will die tonight,” Lucanis affirmed. “But you have to go. It’s about to become very dangerous.” 

How much do you want to bet Illario is going ‘fuck it’s like trying to have a staring contest with Caterina herself’ on the inside right here, with all the emotions that may involve lmao. Lucanis is getting Illario out of there before shit really hits the fan too, notably — where Illario might see mostly lack of respect for his skills/what he could bring to the fight (there’s not none of that from Lucanis’ side either, but less than I feel Illario might be imagining), I think there’s a protectiveness, an unwillingness to risk Illario when the real madness shakes loose. *Lucanis voice* I mean it’s fine if I die obviously. but you don’t get to. get in the fucking car illario  

I think Lucanis adds the ‘My cousin is a snob, but he’s true to his word’ to reassure Effe that she can trust Illario/make Illario seem less scary/intimidating to her — both invoking the familial connection and the gentle dig to show that ‘see, I trust him, I’m not the least bit threatened by him, you don’t have to be either’. I don’t imagine ‘snob’ would be particularly upsetting to Illario either so while it is another datapoint in the grand tradition that is Lucanis-led public Illario slander, this might be one of the least egregious examples of it lol. (Implied lack of skill would hit way harder than anything about their social standing, I’m imagining)

— Lucanis has such a desperate need and desire to care for someone, as evidenced by how he reacts when he gets a whole Lighthouse full of people to do exactly that and springs into action like he’s been born for nothing else. He is that predator turned sheepdog all anxiety all the time he transparently projects onto Assan in that one banter with Davrin. That instinct has clearly been deep in him all this time, waiting for the right ground to grow in. To further his parallel with Davrin in so many things, there is a big part of him that is a protector as much as the part that’s a hunter, and it has finally found its place.

And like… can you imagine being Illario seeing that. Or this. Obviously it’s the right thing to do morally but on the petty small emotional and interpersonal level. Unbearable fhjksa.  

— Lucanis felt no sympathy. They were, all of them, Venatori supporters, who either knew what Ambrose was doing or chose to turn a blind eye to indulge their own vanity. Ignorance is bliss, not innocence.

Extremely interesting thing to think for someone raised in the Antivan Crows! I do think he actually holds himself to that standard, though — he doesn’t consider himself in any way an innocent. Even in situations where he is actually innocent, like how he feels about his time in the Ossuary. It’s easier for him to conceptualize that the demons/spirits in there were as innocent as anyone else trapped down there than to accept that maybe he didn’t deserve what happened to him either.

We’re also seeing the groundwork here for one of my favourite aspects of his character: the fact that he has an enormous, nearly unstoppable and instinctive on a kneejerk sort of level capacity for empathy — something he uses to great effect as a tool in his professional life to understand and predict his targets and the people around them, and which makes him an extremely devoted friend in his personal one — and yet is much more sparing with his sympathy. Those are in fact separate mental processes! And it’s fascinating to see someone in which the divide can be so clean and stark. (Not to keep beating this particular drum, but something deeply neuroatypical going on with this man long before the whole demon thing, he’s just found his niche and functions to the point of excelling in his particular field lol. Uneven skill profile: can intuit the thought processes of Tevinter fanatics or how word spreads through a community (as seen with the inn owner at the beginning) to a T from about two casual glances and find a way to stab anything up to and including a god cloud, cannot for the LIFE of him have an emotional conversation with his brother who he’s known all his life or understand what he’s thinking, because that all falls apart at the drop of a hat when he has to actually engage interpersonally himself and understand and interpret his own feelings on top as well in real time. Relatable. Is all I’ll say.)   

— The mage’s jaw pulsed. “You think you can come into my Imperium and act as judge and executioner?” Lucanis opened his mouth to respond, but Ambrose anticipated his answer. “Don’t say, ‘ Sì! ’” 

That earned a genuine smile from Lucanis. “Normally, there’s no judgment—only a contract. But for you, Ambrose, I made an exception.” 

The Wigmaker raised a brow. “Oh? What makes me so special?” 

“You upset my delicate sensibilities.” 

It was Ambrose’s turn to laugh. 

“I thought a Crow could stomach anything—for the right price.” 

Lucanis leveled the Wigmaker with a pointed look. “Not red lyrium.” 

“Morality is not static. Right and wrong are a matter of perspective.” Ambrose’s words were practiced and tired as if he had given the same reasoning a hundred times. 

Lucanis continued his advance, refusing to engage in the Wigmaker’s rhetoric. Nothing irritated him more than self-righteous excuses. If you’re going to do something terrible, just own it.

For your bounteous amounts of fuckery you have been promoted from the ‘contract’ category to ‘enemy’ category! Congratulations Ambrose it’s your special day. Also this makes a lot of sense with how he seems to feel about Solas too. 

— Hopelessness flooded the mage’s eyes. “One day, someone will turn your work against you. Only then will you have some semblance of the emptiness you’ve made me feel.” With his good hand, he gathered what was left of the wigs, hugging the locks to his chest. 

Lucanis experienced a twinge of disappointment, kindling for rage. He expected more fight from a high-ranking Venatori. He thought of the Wigmaker’s workshop, of the prisoners, their bellies full of poison, hanging like butchered pigs in stale, suffocating darkness. “Get up, Ambrose,” he growled. “You don’t get to do that—you don’t get to quit.” 

…

Panting heavily, Lucanis regarded the creature’s collapse without joy or anger. A vermilion fire engulfed the carcass, leaving nothing but a brittle husk. The other abominations stirred. 

“You have your vengeance,” Lucanis rasped. 

But his words did not reach them. They stared, snarling and ready. He squeezed the grip of his sword, preparing for another fight—then the pressure behind his skull eased. Without the Wigmaker, the demons had no anchor in the waking world. Gradually, the abominations disintegrated into ash. With the source of their anger gone, the spirits of vengeance returned to the Fade, allowing the dead to rest. 

Only then did Lucanis exhale and let relief wash over him. 

“Contract complete.” 

Again I’m glad they didn’t go with building on that in the end because I like what they did do with him so much better, but you can see here where they were laying the groundwork for more of a ‘righteous wrath’/outward facing central pillar for Lucanis’ character here. I’m on record as adoring the internal angle/more of the focus on disrupted self, and I think they also built really well on the subtextual family dynamics going on through this story, that’s a much more fascinating angle for me personally. This instinct for/longing to indulge in stubborn opposition sure does still exist in him, though, that’s such a fun part of him to make externalized as a whole little guy riding shotgun in his soul 

— That’s one way to make a point, Lucanis thought, coming to a stop.

Have I said enough about how much I love him. Because I do. One of his early very good ‘...wtf’ moments, so plenteous and marvellous in the game itself. (Not including all the body horror he’s actually looking at here b/c it’s truly disgusting and upsetting, excellent job as always Courtney Woods) 

— Sensing its weakness and spurred on by the demons of vengeance within, the other abominations began to surround it. 

That’s it, Lucanis smiled encouragingly. Good little demons. Turning his sword over in his palm, he cut across the roof.

Lmao. It’s interesting that Lucanis has a slightly… odd relationship with spirits/demons already here, for a non-mage and someone from an Andrastian culture — he’s able to think of them sort of as a natural part of an ecosystem that you can turn to your advantage if you’re careful and respect their unpredictable nature as part of the natural landscape as it were, and he extends his remarkable capacity for empathy to them in the way that he thinks about what their motivations and drives are in the same way he does with people — ‘you have your vengeance’. The baseline Chantry doctrine about spirits is basically ‘Always Chaotic Evil, Stay Clear’, but Lucanis seems to think of them as like… fellow predators. You know the way wolves and ravens will sometimes ‘team up’ and have symbiotic relationships? Kind of like that. Which is very him hahaha I mean sure Crows hire people for things all the time and if you can pay them in just doing your job anyway… it makes a lot of sense that this is the dude who’d think to earnestly strike a deal with a spirit despite the cultural narratives he was raised with, is what I’m getting at

— Lucanis reached the docks just before dawn. Knowing Illario as he did, he passed their ship’s allotted berth to check the nearby taverns. After a quick glance up and down the harbor, Lucanis settled on the Nug Queen purely because it was the cleanest establishment of the lot. When he entered, limping and bloody, the barkeep glowered. 

“Walk out the way you came,” the dwarf instructed. He had a tawny mustache that was twirled and waxed at both ends. 

“I’m looking for my cousin,” Lucanis explained. (🥺He’s literally just looking for his cousin…)

. . . 

Lucanis prepared to leave—then he heard Illario’s silvery voice flattering one of the waiters. 

“Oy!” the dwarf called out as Lucanis staggered toward the row of booths lining the left side of the tavern. “Exit’s that way!” 

His bellowing drew Illario’s attention away from the handsome servant. Upon seeing Lucanis, he jumped to his feet. “Andraste’s holy cabbage, you look like shit.” 

“Get that man to stop yelling at me,” Lucanis said. He plopped down in the booth, taking a moment to rest his eyes, while Illario soothed the irate proprietor.

‘Get that man to stop yelling at me, Lucanis said’ is my favourite line in this whole short story and always has been fhdskjfhsa it’s just so good. ‘Illario snooze that guy for me I never figured out how to do that non-lethally’. And Illario drops everything and DOES get to work on snoozing that guy. They’re headed right for disaster but I. adore them.  

Andraste’s holy cabbage HIGH on my list of extremely good Andrastian oaths btw thank you Illario. 

I wonder if this inn was supposed to be an in-game location at some point, it gets such a striking (and hilarious) description.

‘Silvery voice’ :’) well that got lost along the way haha. I honestly think the dialogue as written in the game could have landed differently with some changes in voice direction — if the actor wasn’t doing quite so much of an obvious Ze Evil Voice performance, the read on him might be slightly more ambiguous. (His immense susness would still be the same, of course, that’s just built in structurally, but I maintain that that storyline is more about chipping away at Lucanis’ denial that he’s been holding on to for so long down in the Ossuary until it has to crack open and crumble, less about the whodunnit of it all. We know who dunnit and so does Lucanis deep down basically from the first moment, I believe, he just can’t bear it. Not unlike the way Harding deep down knows what the red shade haunting her is, but is unable to accept and take that in until she confronts it, actually! Lucanis and Harding have some parallels going on in the deep there. People pleasers grappling with how to hold on to their healthy anger. Lovers of turnips. *Lucanis voice* Everyone likes turnips.)

Lucanis shambling around bleeding and absent-minded on post-adrenaline autopilot after that utter horror show (again I sheltered you from the body horror here but. Holy cannoli) until he finds the safety of Illario and then collapsing into the booth and almost nodding off b/c Illario will take care of it he knows how to talk to people, even though Lucanis never really relaxes he very nearly does here…………. You see the trouble is that the love is very much there. It just makes everything worse, but it is there. Always. And I’m afraid not even the Ossuary could change that, even when it changed everything else.  

Like… From Illario’s perspective Lucanis just sweeps in bleeding and limping with an imperious demand after shooing him away before — because he doesn’t have the inside view that the bluntness is because Lucanis feels safe with him. This is the sort of ‘pls solve this thing I don’t understand and find overwhelming and annoying’ a child extends to a parent/attachment figure ‘imperiousness’ to me, not an order from a superior. From which I think you can read some things about their dynamic growing up, aside from my ‘Illario has been 80% of Lucanis’ social skills most of their lives’ running joke lol. 

Both of them can form surface relationships with other people, mostly with transactional elements to them — Lucanis with the Villa Dellamorte staff growing up and people he meets and helps on the job, the ‘friends’ Illario sarcastically accuses him of making earlier in the story, and Illario clearly leaving a Necropolis-sized graveyard of shallow connections both romantic and otherwise behind him without ever getting deeper into it himself, gratification and a feeling of control and competence and entertainment all in one with no true intimacy behind it — but I think Lucanis is right when he tells Rook that Illario has been his only actual friend, before them (and the team, obviously). And for all his extroverted fuckboy antics, I think Lucanis is Illario’s only real friend too, I doubt any other relationship has ever reached him at the core but Caterina and Lucanis. They have been. SO weirdly socialized, they struggle so very badly to make real connections outside the family in their individual ways, feast or famine as their approaches are. And part of that is that in their childhood they’ve been forced to try to meet their emotional needs with each other in ways that were doomed to fail; things you should get from a safe parental figure and a group of peers, community, not your brother who’s basically the same age as you and just as traumatized and psychologically malnourished. Things they will not get from the Crows, a community that is also the constant threat that ate everyone else in the family, and not from Caterina, who aside from the general cultural Crow brutality in overseeing their upbringing is too busy negotiating with the ghosts of five children, eight grandchildren by making sure her last two grandsons survive, not realizing that it means she has not taught them the first thing about how to live. Or, perhaps as likely, that is just not particularly a priority to her, she values her control over them and thus perceived control of the future and continuance of House Dellamorte way beyond their happiness. (God it’s all such a real-feeling mess because the love is also there and real, it’s just that that makes everything worse and even more tangled. Family!!!!) 

Caterina has set up this dynamic of Lucanis as the golden child (he can do no wrong and thus is allowed to do no wrong nor want anything for himself she didn’t let him have; never making a mistake in life is something that is normal to demand of yourself and possible to achieve etc.) and Illario as the fuckup kid, the lesser one, we keep him around for sentimental value of course he’s family but he’s largely ornamental lol. (Sorry about your life, Illario. I’m not sure whether being her favourite or not being her favourite leaves someone with the worse deal psychologically long-term, but your situation is particularly undignified and thankless I will grant you that.) Illario is much more faithfully the Crow Caterina raised him to be, where Lucanis uses his competence and Caterina’s personal affection for him to get to keep and protect some of the parts of himself the role of Crow should forbid. And she STILL openly and unabashedly loves Lucanis more, while Illario cannot do a single thing that pleases her no matter what he tries. Lucanis at least has Caterina’s recognition and affection, what does Illario have? What does he have that could make him anything in this Crow eat Crow world? 

Which is why Illario needs Lucanis to choose him over Caterina with an intensity and psychological urgency that again, is more like a child needing a parent to put them first or treat them like they matter to develop the sense of a worthy self. (Or Caterina to choose him over Lucanis, but that’s never going to happen while Lucanis is still alive, and probably not even if he really were dead.) Lucanis can’t give him that, because he is unwilling and unable to give up either of the two attachment relationships he has left, even if it means he has to mangle and push down his own self to maintain those bonds. He will freeze to hold on to what little he has, even when what he has also hurts him and they are hurting each other. At this point in the short story I think Lucanis wants Illario to be honest with him the way Lucanis is honest with Illario (which unfortunately also means Illario gets some of his more unpleasant sides), and Illario can’t give him that because when he tries Lucanis straight up refuses to listen — can’t listen, because what Illario is saying would disrupt everything Lucanis is trying so desperately to hold together at any cost. Again, Lucanis asking Illario for something he then punishes or ignores him for actually giving. They’ve had to be everything to each other and they just can’t be. Not even through any fault of their own, that’s just how it works. And Lucanis starts to find his way out of that during the game, make other connections that do help, but I'm not sure Illario does or will. Don’t look at me and don’t speak to me I’ll never be okay again 

- “Drink?” his cousin offered, returning with two glasses and a bottle of wine. “It’s expensive.”

 Lucanis accepted with a faint nod. 

“Some say a bribe spoils the vintage,” Illario mused while pouring, “but I think it tastes all the sweeter.” 

“Effe and the others. Did you get them to—” 

“Yes, yes,” Illario snapped, “I did my good deed for the year.” 

The two paused to sip their wine. 

Lucanis rolled the liquid over his tongue. Bribery had not spoiled this bottle, at least. 

“Camille didn’t make it,” he said finally. 

“Who?” 

“The guard captain.” 

“Ah,” Illario said, nodding in recognition. “Well, that does free me from promises I didn’t intend to keep. And Ambrose?” 

“You have to ask?” 

“Fair enough.” 

THANK YOU, LUCANIS!!! THAT IS THE THING YOU SHOULD BE SAYING!!!! THANK YOU FOR GOING ALONG WITH MY NONSENSE THAT I JUST SPRANG ON YOU ILLARIO!!!!! I’M HAPPY TO SEE YOU AND THAT YOU’RE ALRIGHT WOULD NOT BE OUT OF ORDER PERHAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD I love him more than anyone in the world but he’s infuriating sometimes especially when dealing with Illario fhdskja. You can tell how much he does trust/value Illario because this is the first time he relaxes a bit in the whole story — the mental image of Lucanis standing there with his huge puppy eyes dripping rivers of blood onto the floorboards in his fucking… batman ass getup like ‘🥺is my cousin here’ is so. It’s so much — but again you have to SHOW that somehow too Lucanis he can’t read your mind. I think it’s what he’s clumsily trying to do with telling Illario about the guard captain, a little bit — that’s an olive branch/trying to give Illario the peace of mind he just gave to him about the fallout of the mission, even if it’s a sadder outcome — but that’s also a sign that he’s completely missed on understanding what Illario would value here. (For Lucanis someone he flirted with being torn to ribbons five minutes later would be a big deal no matter what, probably, for Illario it’s all just business. Whomst??? Oh her lol.) Illario tries to fall into their pattern of companionable bullshit because that seems to be as much as Lucanis will accept from him as a show of care, but even that Lucanis breaks him off on, with what to Illario seems like doubting his skills/ability to carry out the job Lucanis handed him (Lucanis seems to want to know for his own peace of mind more than that, tho, from my vibe here; he did make a promise to Effe). 

“That his?” [Illario] gestured toward the dark stains on Lucanis’s coat. 

“Mostly.” 

His cousin’s brows drew together. “Do you need a healer? The ship will have one, but if you can’t wait—” 

“I’m fine,” Lucanis stated. 

“All right,” Illario said, topping off his glass. “We’ll just pretend that’s wine you’re dripping all over the table.” 

“What do you want me to say?”

How many times do you think Illario has had to rock up to Thedas emergency care with his cousin like ‘well he says he’s fine and to not worry about him, which in my experience is Lucanisese for ‘I’m about to bleed out and die on the spot’.’ As someone who has now been on that side of Lucanis’ ‘*actively bleeding from the eyes* I’m fine don’t worry about me’... y’know I’m not saying Illario was right or anything (he never is (affectionate) that’s his charm) but I do have a certain amount of sympathy one does start to lose one’s mind after a while. Yeah I am making silly jests and japes to avoid talking about this part because it’s so painful to me to contemplate thanks for asking. To be serious, though: being forced to watch Lucanis do this to himself, and then being asked to pretend he can’t even see it to enable it… that’s a big ask and one you should not be making of him, Lucanis. He’s not doing it intentionally, and it’s because he is also in so much pain over this that he has no idea how to handle, but it doesn’t stop it from being fucked up and unfair. 

‘I don’t understand what you want from me/I don’t know understand how to give it to you’ and ‘So we’re just going to pretend that nothing’s wrong and you’re fine and nothing needs to change, you can keep going like this indefinitely?’ 

Illario’s gaze grew hard. “How long are you going to keep doing this?” 

“Doing what?” 

“Caterina’s bidding.” 

The wine turned in Lucanis’s mouth. “Illario. Stop.” 

“If I was in charge, you wouldn’t have to do this anymore,” he cajoled. “You could quit.” 

Lucanis stared at his cousin. “I don’t want to quit.” 

Illario sat back. The distance between them suddenly felt much wider than a table. 

“Even if it kills you,” Illario whispered. 

“Death is my calling,” Lucanis stated, matter-of-fact. “Just as yours is to become First Talon.” He smiled, hoping to ease the tension, but Illario’s posture remained taut. 

“And if Caterina disagrees? If she thinks you’re the better man for the job—” 

“I don’t want it, Illario,” Lucanis insisted. 

“But you wouldn’t refuse.” 

“It’s impossible to refuse Caterina,” Lucanis admitted reluctantly. “Only prolong her, until she sees reason.” 

He knew it wasn’t the answer Illario wanted, but it was the truth. And in their line of work, honesty was hard to come by. 

Illario exhaled and lifted his wineglass in salute. “To reason, then.” 

“To reason,” Lucanis echoed. 

The two Crows clinked the rims of their glasses together, then prepared for the long journey home

Sobbing and crying and dying. So much stuff going on under the surface here. This particular conversation clearly haunts Lucanis for a long time after, it’s where most of the Illario lines in the Mind!Ossuary are taken from. ‘You’ll choose her over me every time, even if it means death and leaving me behind alone. No matter what I do I’m never going to be good enough for her or you, no one is ever going to choose me or put me first or think I matter at all’. Delicate overtones of ‘You love even the work more than you love me’. The more mundane layers of jealousy, of being the unfavorite, the Cain and Abel of it all. The I can’t grow when you always get all the sun.  

The distance between them suddenly feeling much bigger to Lucanis… in a way I think that’s Illario’s side of ‘it wasn’t the answer he wanted, but it was the truth. And in their line of work, honesty is hard to come by’. Just for a moment Illario drops the act, he stops trying to reach out to try to find him again, to do his ‘job’ in the relationship of smoothing it over and pretending everything is fine or at least sustainable, and the distance that has slowly grown between them over the years is laid bare. Lucanis would ignore that forever if given the chance, but here Illario finally refuses to play along and forces him to feel it.

After a whole story of Lucanis being ruthlessly competent at his job to the point that he turned it into a challenge run for extra style points just because he can (and because it would be quite emotionally convenient for him to die before he has to go back to Caterina and probably be named her heir), we see him try to (avoid having to) have ONE real conversation with someone he loves and he’s so awkward. He’s reduced to pleading for Illario to stop. (There are notably no please and thank yous between Lucanis and Illario — mutually, also notably  — but that ‘Illario. Stop’ carries big helpless ‘please don’t’ energy)

I’ve talked before about the way Lucanis speaks of Caterina like she’s a weather system, or an act of God — something that can’t be resisted, only navigated with immense care and a hope for the best fear for the worst attitude. He expects Illario to have reached the same conclusion, raised side by side and in the same household as they are… but he hasn’t. They are different people by nature and the roles within the family have given them different perspectives — on what’s possible, and on what’s sustainable. It’s. hey. It’s a lot. 

— God. can you imagine being Illario when Lucanis returns from the grave with some FUCKING RANDO Caterina dragged into the house five minutes ago, and not only is he, surprise surprise, already entrenched as their favourite and they don’t like Illario (they don’t even know all the reasons why they shouldn’t like Illario yet, they just think he has rancid vibes! Which to be sure he does he’s big enough to admit it it can’t be helped the rot will out!! but STILL!!!!!), on a Treviso saved run Lucanis also lets them waltz through all the locked doors in his mind that Illario has been clawing his fingers bloody against for decades while screaming for him within the span of a goddamn afternoon’s work of Fade shenanigans. and through all of it they are *throwing up noises* FLOURISHING together whether as friends or something else in a way that practically shows like a healing glow around him. Rook ‘steal your cousin-brother (you kind of lost the right to stay his favourite when you y’know. Murdered him)’ Dragon Age swooping in to end this poor pathetic little man’s entire career in the last way he hadn’t already managed to ruin it himself. You know what. I kind of get it, Illario, that would send me finally stark raving bonkers insane too. After all that I think I too would have marched over to the ancient elven mean girls like ‘sure I’ll join you in burning down the world if you spare me some gasoline I need to do something hugely self-destructive and unwise and take everything down with me’. Obviously Illario sucks in many many-faceted and inventive ways but holy shit dude. In his shoes could you sit through the café scene without choosing violence.  

— Do I have to put in a disclaimer here that even though I have understanding and empathy for just how shitty Illario’s situation is pre-game and am expressing myself with comedic hyperbole about it, what he ends up doing to Lucanis is obviously extremely bad not justified and not okay in any way etc. and I do not endorse cousin murder as a way to solve your interpersonal problems, nevermind entrusting the task to your known mad scientist girlfriend with blood magic benefits if you did mean for it to be a clean quick death. Lucanis did not deserve any of what happened because he’s an imperfect communicator and like any of us has some less than perfect interpersonal patterns, and he’s still an intensely loveable character to me with these flaws. Is that something I have to state for the record after writing 12k+ words about him like this. One would hope not but you know. I’ve been on this site for a long time now and I am carrying around some stress fractures of the psyche about it, at least this way I know I’ve done what little I could to make myself perfectly clear in this our how dare you say we piss on the poor public square lol 

— The hilarious/hopeful thing is that I don’t think this relationship is necessarily doomed because of the very specific ways Lucanis is nuts haha, he has not willingly let go of anything he loves one single day in his life and he’s not about to start now — if Illario can bring himself to take that outstretched hand and do his part of the work I feel there could be hope for it. Not for it to ever be what it was before, of course. But to be something, still. Once Lucanis recognizes some of his own shortcomings in the dynamic I think he would try to work on that on the Forgive route at least, Illario matters that much to him. 

— rare W moment for Illario towards the end here and we simply must grant him those: Zara clearly meant to merely use him as a means to get to Lucanis, but he did seemingly somehow manage to get her properly wrapped around his little finger for real eventually. Enough for her to be very bitter about it after death, at least. Listen Zara play too close to the fuckboy fire and get burned to a crisp puh-lease this man is a professional. If he’s your amatus why is he obsessed about what his grandma and cousin are going to think of him after this and killing you mid-sentence. Smh 

— god I have said so much in this (...obviously. my face is in my hands why am I like this this is my curse), but I’m still not sure I’ve managed to get at what I was actually like. trying to say. Oh well. At least this chunk of thoughts is out of my head now, maybe I’ll get some room in here for something else and maybe even sensible for a while (doubtful but one should live in hope) 

*in a 'that's a threat' kind of way. also well done for making it all the way to the end you're a real one

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

Anti's, Twitter Freaks, and Tumblr crazies seem to have this weird itch where they believe any women under 5'6" is "a literal child". And this shit has annoyed me for forever now. What's more this conversation always comes up in regards to Loli in anime and tall men with short women IRL. So here's a poll. And then more context.

Long story short, or rather as short as I can get it. I'm getting sick and tired of the idea that age somehow doesn't matter but, physical appearance of age does somehow matter instead. Especially when it comes with the context of anime. And even then more so I get frustrated at the fact that I have to talk with anyone about what is appropriate and not appropriate IRL.

The fact of the matter is and will remain that just because a girl looks like an adult does not in any way imply that it is okay to sleep with her unless you are also underage. (And I only make that caveat, because I know I can't stop young people from screwing around with one another.) But, when I see people whining about anime specifically I often end up with people who are fans of Ryoko from Kill La Kill or Kitagawa from My Dress Up Darling. Both of whom are minors. And if you like that, then you do you. Because I understand that with anime as an aesthetic they do have a tendency to look older or younger depending on how the people writing the story wanted them to come out.

However, a lot of people have a frustrating little quirk where if it looks like a character is too short, to flat chested, or has no back-end or thighs to speak of, they assess that that character is supposed to either be or look like a child (Ignoring they treat REAL women like this). Which also ignores this fun issue:

Because let's talk age of consent shall we. Sure, it's not universal across every country but it's pretty close among first world ones. But people make a big deal of characters that short with no bust, seek out people that like that character, and will literally treat that person as if they've harmed kids IRL. Yet are seemingly NEVER angry over the abuse of real kids. What's more they will claim something is pedophilia online, THEN SHARE IT saying something like "OMFG LOOK AT THIS EPSTEIN TIER ABUSER!", and I'm sitting here like, "I don't care how old you are if you're an adult you need to be punched in the throat and if your a minor, you and your parents need to be punches in the throat". (My reasoning here is simple. If you think something is CP why would you then share it to more people rather than just report it)

Epstein abused and trafficked MANY young girls and possibly young boys to a lesser extent. A person that likes this goblin?

Isn't even close to Epstein. Because:

This is a drawing

This drawing is humanoid but doesn't look like an actual human

This character is probably older than you are

This character is a dragon

This character is FICTIONAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My point for asking ladies heights is because I'm really sick of people more or less going, "as long as you look old enough it's fine" while not realizing they literally just made the argument that age is just a number and so long as you look of age you should be allowed to be sexually abused.

[echantedtoon]

Shadowsugar/Eternalshadow Modern Human Family Au Concept

DISCLAIMER: If you don't like this ship that's fine but DON'T harass people over it! They're fictional characters. Respect others' ships!!

My what if ideas for a modern day/human shadowsugar family au. Warnings for fertility issues and miscarriages mentioned in Eternal Sugar's part.

ETERNAL SUGAR COOKIE:

*Human name is Eternity Foolery, and married to her husband. Mid thirties but looks in her mid to late twenties cuz of good genetics and very beautiful. As a result she gets a lot of attention that makes her husband jealous but she doesn't mind(he's so cute when he's death glaring a random stranger hitting on her).

*She LOVES kids! Very good at babysitting and generally dealing with tantrums and chaos kids bring thanks to her kindness and saint like patience. As a result she did a lot of babysitting growing up and in college to help pay the bills. Still occasionally babysits for her family and friends.

*Suffers from bad insomnia starting from when she was in her late teens, as a result she randomly falls asleep during the day to take power naps. This affects her greatly and her husband worries for her, as a result he bought and placed large beanbags and comfy chairs in almost every room of the house so she can sleep practically anywhere if she's tired.

*She wanted to pursue a career in teaching or becoming a nanny but because of her chronic insomnia she was unable to do either jobs that require focus or drive really. This devastated her and she hasn't really gotten over it. But she's got quite a green thumb! She's turned their large back n front yard into this BEAUTIFUL paradise with flowers, trees, and certain decorations like a fountain her husband got her and a Koi pond. She bought a greenhouse after her friend Misty(Human Mystic Flour cookie) suggested the idea of her becoming a florist. She now runs and owns her own florist business that's admittedly very successful in their town.

*Eternity knew her entire life that she wanted to be a mother and experience the happiness and hardships of motherhood. Her husband wasn't too sure at first but he agreed because he knew she wanted a family. (This is where the previous warning above comes in. Skip this part of it makes you uncomfortable.) Unfortunately she had to suffer from fertility issues and miscarriages before and between the two pregnancies of her children. As a result she is VERY protective of her children and was a bit of a helicopter mom for the first few years of Sapphire's life however with therapy has gotten better than she was even if she still worried a bit too much.

*Is the mother of three children. Her oldest son Sapphire(16), her daughter Candy(13), and her second son Pavlova(also 13). She wanted to have another child but due to her previous complications they thought it was best to look into other options like adopting. She was never above adopting so they had managed to get in contact with an agency. It was completely shocking when she found out she was pregnant a second time. Still debating whether Pavlova is adopted or not or he's Candy's twin.

*Despite being very tired most of the time, she's surprisingly quick and has stopped her husband from doing something crazy more than once. Unfortunately during one of her naps, she wasn't able to stop her husband from trying to BBQ for the first time and somehow he accidentally lit half her garden on fire. He's not allowed to BBQ OR be in her garden unsupervised again. EVER.

*She's very close to her children being the stay at home/work from home mom. She's loves baking things with her two youngest, gardening with Pavlova, shopping with Candy, and despite how much it embarrasses him when she hugs him and tells him she loves him, Sapphire will usually come to her first if he has any personal problems or sometimes he'll help her garden with his younger brother. She gifted him the black sapphire earrings he always wears for his fourteenth birthday and since then he's always worn them for luck.

*Has a pet rabbit her husband gave her as a gift for their anniversary and she had an enclosure for him within her garden. He's a rescue rabbit dumped at the local shelter her husband knew about and adopted. Sometimes he'll get out and eat some of her flowers. No one is sure how he keeps mysteriously getting out.

*Other hobbies I can totally see her having is reading romance novels, possibly painting??, but baking is her favorite. She's a very good cook after years of cooking for her kids and can make about anything but desserts are her favorite. She can create bakery quality desserts and is often asked to bake things by friends and family. She played harp in school, and while she can still play doesn't do it as much anymore.

SHADOW MILK COOKIE:

*His human name is Tom S. Foolery. No you can't tell me otherwise. Actually his name is Tom Shadow Foolery, his name previous was Shadow Foolery but changed his first name to add that extra flair to it as he likes to say. A few years older than Eternity but still in the same age rage.

*Shadow works as the drama teacher at a pretty good college and thus makes a decent amount of money to support his family especially his wife whom he constantly worries over due to her chronic insomnia affecting her life so much. Speaking of which he spoils his family a lot...Maybe too much since his daughter has become a bit spoiled by him. Oops. Sill doesn't stop him from spoiling her tho.

*He's actually VERY smart so don't let his flamboyant persona or name fool you. He was a mostly A student in both highschool and college making lots of people surprised with the amount of trouble he's gotten into with his pranks and generally avoidance of work growing up. He's wasn't lazy, but he didn't like doing work(aka chores) and got bored easily. Was very good at manipulating people into doing what he wanted despite how much trouble it costed him later, but mostly stopped after he got married to Eternity. Still sometimes uses his manipulation skills to get his kids to behave however he doesn't do it in a harmful manner.

*He's pansexual and has dated Peter Vanhil(Human Pure Vanilla Cookie) in middle school until his manipulative ways caused a huge fallout between the two of them after he blamed Peter for something he did. He still feels guilty about this incident and had made up with Peter years later when he was invited to his wedding. They don't speak much nowadays but sometimes they'll run into each other and Peter sends Shadow's family a Christmas card every year.

*Majored in theater and was very good at acting. Always was with his manipulative ways. This includes successfully mimicking emotions, crying on command, and he's very good at mesmerizing scripts. He's actually stared in quite a few big productions and gained quite a reputation for himself. Not famous but well known and he enjoys that. He later retired from the spotlight and became a teacher at the local college. He's a surprisingly good teacher and all his students love him. He's his own playwright, producer, director, writer, advertiser, and costume designer for any productions his class puts on.

*Met Eternity while in college and fell for her at first sight..Quite literally. He wasn't looking where he was going and tripped over the curb as they were walking by and face planted. At the time she was working part time at the campus library and he caught sight of her while getting books on Shakespeare and Hamlet. Since then he majorly fell down the rabbit hole of feelings. Tried to ask her out the very next day but she rejected him because she was used to being hit on by guys and he had already earned quite the reputation. Tho that didn't stop him from giving up.

*She finally agreed to going out with him after he gave her flowers and nervously reading her a poem he made for her during class. The paper was crinkled and had smudges from him erasing and rewriting sentences or words over and over. It was the most thoughtful thing a man has done for her. They still have that poem framed in their bedroom.

*He's a very thoughtful partner. His good memory means he never forgets anniversaries or birthdays and he goes all out for his wife and kids. Likes to spoil them. He's also a hopeless romantic. He's getting that queen literal candle lit dinners, rose petals leading to a romantic picnic outside, randomly serandes her outside their bedroom window- That last bit embarrasses his Oldest but he still happily sings to her like he's Romeo and she's his Juliet. He's very protective of his wife due to the hardships she deals with and will not hesitate to resort to violence if you hurt her in anyway. Once one punch K.O.ed a colleague for calling her lazy and faking her condition nearly sending him to jail.

*Other skills of his includes having an incredible singing voice he's passed down to both his bio kids, knowing some magic tricks, and he's surprisingly very good at sewing. He picked it up as a random hobby coming from a poorer family getting used to sewing back his own clothes and as a result he's able to make things from clothes to plushies. Mostly makes plushies for his daughter that clutter her bed but his wife has a few too.

*Despite his many talents he can't cook. At all. The kind of guy who burns air. Once tried to BBQ only to accidentally tip over the grill and light up his yard. He hasn't been allowed to BBQ or go in his wife's garden without her since. Still embarrasses him whenever someone brings up the story.

*Has a pet snake he keeps at home and he loves to take care of. Grew up having pet lizards so he's not scared of reptiles like a lot of people.

BLACK SAPPHIRE COOKIE:

*The oldest of his siblings and is your stereotypical emo theater kid. Usually dressing in dark purples or blacks. "It's not a phase mom! It's who I am!" And sadly that's true. However between the three of them, he's the most responsible of his siblings and is a mix of both their personalities. However he takes more after his dad.

*Like his dad, Sapphire has a fascination with theater and acting and is very good at it in his own right, especially if the parts he's playing is dark or villainous as those are his favorite bits but he's can be a good hero, background character, and narrator too. He's already considering becoming a voice actor professionally. He definitely has the knack for it. However like his mom he goes eerily quiet when he's extremely angry and has this scary dead rage in his eyes that usually surprises people.

*Unfortunately both himself and Candy has also gotten his manipulative past qualities and they both have gotten into trouble for spreading rumors at school and similar incidents. Each time their mom gives them and their dad a glare that sends chills down their backs. Their mom is scary when mad.

*While he doesn't have his dad's amazing IQ he does have his talent. Other than acting, Sapphire is very good at dancing and playing the violin which is his favorite instrument. Won a few school awards for his musical talent. He can sing too but not as good as his dad or sister can.

*He's very responsible despite his stubbornness and often helps his mother by cleaning around the house with his baby brother or cooking dinner if she's too tired to cook. She feels guilty but Sapphire would rather do it than have her collapse at the stove. Sometimes he'll spend time with her by gardening with her or tagging along on her shopping spreed with Candy(he ALWAYS makes them stop by Hot Topic-).

*Both himself and his brother enjoys drawing. In particular Sapphire can paint rather well and had gifted his dad a still life of a snake before. His favorite painting is currently an empty stage with a single dancing ballerina in a spotlight. It's his most detailed piece and he's very proud of it.

*He gets into fights a lot with his sister because he likes playing dumb pranks on her or finds her whining annoying but don't be fooled. That protective big brother instinct kicks in whenever he hears of the slightest bullying being done to either of his baby siblings. Once found his brother shoved in a locker randomly and a few hours later Shadow found him eerily calm in the Principal's office while the other kid looked like he lost a fight against an angry raccoon and looking terrified by his son. Since then his siblings hadn't gotten bullied too often.

CANDY APPLE COOKIE:

*Only daughter between her parents and the youngest. Younger than her twin(?? Still debating) brother by about an hour and gets upset if anyone points it to to her. "We're the same age!! That hour doesn't count, Sapphire! I don't have to listen to Pavlova!!"

*Definitely a dad's girl. While her brothers are closet to their mom, she's the closest to her dad. In fact she's very spoiled by him which is his fault and loves to spend time with him. As a result she's always doing things to get his attention such sometimes landing her in trouble but as she gets older she starts to tone down this behavior a lot more thankfully.

*Is very much the definition of a girly girl. She doesn't like gardening or doing anything involving too much labor so she had a D in gym class for the longest time. She's only really started putting effort into that class because Shadow sat her down and asked her to. Now she has a C-. Not the best grade but it's a work in progress and he's proud of her for putting in the effort.

*Ironically despite not liking to get dirty, she really enjoys cooking especially baking desserts with her mother and Pavlova and she's honestly very good at it. The only problem is that she usually immediately eats whatever she bakes right after so there's not much left for anyone.

*Don't let her sweet fascade or whiny personality fool you. She's fully capable of being as manipulative as her older brother usually using her innocent appearance to get away with certain things. Her puppy dog eyes works wonders on her dad lol. However she's also capable of defending herself, quickly turning into a rabid alley cat and clawing at you with her manicured nails if you try to start anything with her. Definitely gets her attitude from her father and is one of the reasons why out of the three siblings Pavlova is the most bullied out of them. Has surprising strength and once launched a dodgeball through a window in frustration.

*Out of the three siblings, Candy has the most talent for singing or dancing. Her voice is admittedly very beautiful and she's a very talented ballet dancer. She's actually been in a few productions for her talents and has been the inspiration for her brother's favorite painting he keeps in his room (not that Sapphire would ever admit it).

*Her favorite things to do with her mom is shopping and going for mother daughter spa day trips. Sometimes Sapphire will tag along to make them stop by hot topic, but it's usually just the two of them. Learnt most of her make up skills and fashion sense from Eternity.

*Out of both her brothers she's closest to Pavlova whom she usually drags along for the ride. He's often tagging along to keep her out of trouble anyways or stopping her from starting one.

PAVLOVA COOKIE:

*The middle child of his siblings and the one who takes most after their mother, both in appearance and personality(Still debating if he's adopted or Candy's older twin by an hour). Compared two his bother and sister, he's usually very reserved, shy, and more outwardly kind however he's the most approachable out of the three and has the easiest time making friends and interacting with people.

*He's the closest to his mother and the two spend a lot of time together doing peaceful activities like helping in her garden(which he genuinely enjoys with roses and tulips being his favorite things to grow), or helping her around the house from cleaning up to helping to cook. He loves her a lot and opens up to her the most out of anyone.

*His favorite hobbies however is watching soap operas, reading romance novels, and surprisingly he enjoys archery a lot. The latter two are things Eternity gotten him into while archery is something he enjoys on his own. He's very good at it and is a part of his school's archery team. He's won awards for his archery skills and thanks to him, his archery skills won his team second place in the semi finals.

*Pavlova has a strange sixth sense. He's scarily good at guessing what someone's thinking about or what their feelings are. It's why his family is barely able to surprise him and his siblings' lies don't work on him. Because of this he's (usually) able to keep Candy out of trouble most of the time.

*He wants to become a romance novelist when he gets older and his father being a playwright, helps him with his vocabulary and writing skills. Pavlova always brings his writing to his dad to read over and get advice from. It's one of the ways they bond and Shadow is really happy his son has inherited one of his interests.

*Unfortunately Pavlova's hobbies and meak personality had made him a target for bullying and it had only made him a little insecure about himself. Most of the bullying has stopped since Sapphire's brawl with an older student and Candy's scary outbursts on his behalf. On the downside he doesn't have many friends because of this but he does have a few in both his book club and archery team.

*His best friend is Sugura Fly(Human Sugarfly Cookie) and he has a not so secret big crush on her.

[winchesterwild78]

The Tutor

Master List

Characters: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Warnings: Nothing too bad yet, just a chapter to establish the story. Some language and some physical grabbing.

**Trigger Warning: Some of this chapter could be considered Domestic Violence. It’s grabbing an arm, and being controlling.**

A/N: Just a quick idea that popped in my head. A short series, maybe 2 or 3 chapters. I don’t know yet. No disrespect to Jensen or his family. This is a work of fiction. Jensen has children in this, but I do not use their real names. 

Reader is a teacher and is asked to tutor Jensen’s child. Things develop between Jensen and the reader. I do not condone cheating, again, this is a work of fiction.

This chapter got a little long. Sorry not sorry. 😀

Minors DNI 18+

It was about 5 am when your alarm went off. You rolled over, grumbled and turned it off. Your husband was still sleeping next to you. Crawling out of bed you went to your bathroom and jumped in the shower. 

About 15 minutes later you were dressed and ready for work. You’d been a teacher for about 10 years, and you loved every second of it. Your husband encouraged you to expand your talent and offer tutoring in the afternoons as a way to help save money for the summer months when you didn’t get paid. 

You talked to the principal of your school and she told you she’d put out feelers to see if anyone had a lead on a possible need for a tutor. 

Grabbing your coffee, lunch and bag you headed for your car. It was a chilly morning, but you welcomed the change in temperature. As you pulled in the parking lot to the school, you noticed you were one of the first ones there. 

You sighed, gathered your things and got out of your car. As you walked in the building you saw the principal was in her office already. “Hey, Y/N, hold on a second.” You walked to her office door and waited for her to get off the phone.

“Hey, Y/N. I’m glad I caught you. So I talked to a friend of mine and she said she knows a couple who is looking for a tutor for their children. They have 3 kids, an older daughter, and a set of twins, a boy and a girl. The mother is out of town, but the father wanted to come in and see you in action and then sit down with you. Is that okay with you?”

“Oh, yeah that’s fine. Is he coming in today?” “Yes, if you were okay with it he wanted to come in today. If they decided to go with you, they’d want you to start ASAP.”

“Um, okay. Yeah. That’s fine. Hopefully it doesn’t distract my kiddos, but sure. Tell him to come by whenever.” “Great! I’ll give him a call.” You nodded and walked to your classroom.

Before the kids arrived, you sent your husband a text.

You: Hey, I might have a potential tutoring gig. Ms Smith is having a dad come in today. He and his wife wanted to see me in action. I’d be tutoring their three kids. I’ll let you know how it goes. I love you, babe.

Hubby: That’s great, you sure three kids won’t be too much? I love you too.

You: 3 kids? I teach 22 kids all day. I think I can handle 3.

Hubby: Yeah, you’re right. 

You finished getting things ready for the day as the kids started to arrive. “Good morning Ms Y/L/N!” The kids greeted you as they came into the room. “Good morning everyone.” 

Once the students got settled you called them to sit on the carpet to talk about today and how there might be a visitor. They were excited. You taught 5 & 6 year olds, so anytime there was a visitor it was always a big deal. 

“Now I want you all to be on your best behavior, and if we have a visitor I want you to do your best to ignore them, okay?” The kids nodded in agreement. 

A few hours later you were reading a book to your students when you heard your classroom door open. Glancing over you saw the principal and a man walk in. You kept teaching, not paying attention to the people in the room. 

When you read books, you are very animated. The kids would giggle and were completely engaged. At the end of your story you asked questions and called on some students to answer. A few minutes later you had them go back to their desks to complete the writing assignment you had given them. 

As you walked around checking their writing the principal approached you. “Ms Y/L/N, this is Mr Ackles. Mr Ackles, this is Ms. Y/L/N, our favorite Kindergarten teacher.” Your eyes went wide. Standing in your classroom was Jensen Ackles. His green eyes sparkling like emeralds under the fluorescent lights, his sandy brown hair perfectly styled, and he smelled like heaven. 

He extended his hand to shake yours. “Hello Ms Y/L/N, I’ve heard so much about you. It’s nice to finally meet you.” You took his hand in yours and your breath hitched. You knew who he was, you’d been a fan for years. “Nice to meet you too, Mr Ackles. I look forward to speaking with you more about the tutoring needs of your children.” 

He smiled and nodded. The two of you couldn’t tear your eyes away from each other. You unconsciously bit your lip. The sound of a little voice pulled you two out of your trance. “Ms Y/L/N, is this right?” One of your students came up with her paper for you to check. “So what should this sentence start with?” Her bright eyes looking at you and then down at her paper, “Um, oh a capital.” You smiled and nodded.

She went back to her seat and fixed her paper. “Okay guys, remember to capitalize, and illustrate your writing. Don’t forget your setting and color.”

Your principal came up to you, “We are going to head out, I’ll give Mr. Ackles your number so you two can set up a meeting.” You nodded and thanked them, then they left.

Your heart was still pounding in your chest and you felt a warmth fill your body. Girl, get it together. He’s way out of your league, both of you are married, and you might be tutoring his children. This is just a celebrity crush. Keep it professional. 

The end of the day came quickly. You were cleaning up your classroom when you heard a knock on your classroom door. Looking up you saw Jensen. Your breath caught in your throat. “Excuse me Ms Y/L/N, I hope I’m not disturbing you.” “Oh no, I’m just cleaning up before heading home. How can I help you Mr Ackles?” 

“Well I really liked what I saw today. You were engaging and gentle but you can see your students know your expectations. I’d like to offer you the tutoring job if you’d like it.” “Oh, of course. May I meet your children before I officially start? This won’t work if the kids don’t like me.” 

Jensen smiled and nodded. “I’ll text you my address and you’re welcome to come by this afternoon.” “Sure, that would be great. I can’t wait to meet them and your wife.” You smiled. “Well, she’s out of town right now, so that will have to wait.” “Okay. If you need to wait for her, that's fine. I want her to be fine with me tutoring the kids too.” “Nope, this was something we’d talked about before she left, and she knew I was going to hire someone as soon as I could.”

“Okay, great. I’ll come by this afternoon then. I’ll see you later Mr Ackles.” “Jensen, please call me Jensen.” “Jensen, then. Feel free to call me Y/N.” He smiled and so did you. When he left you pulled out your phone to text your husband.

You: Hey, heading to meet the kids I might be tutoring. The dad asked me to come by this afternoon.

Hubby: Okay, I’ll see you at home later then. Love you

You: I love you too. 

You set your phone down and finished cleaning. A few minutes later your phone went off.

Unknown: Hey, Y/N. This is Jensen. My address is 123 E Main Street. Can’t wait for the kids to meet you.

You: Hey, Jensen. I can’t wait to meet them either. I’ll be there in about 20 minutes. Just finishing up here. 

Jensen: Great! See you then.

You finished what you were doing and grabbed your stuff heading out of the school. Driving to Jensen’s house you were nervous but excited. You’d tutored before, but never for a celebrity and definitely not for someone you had been crushing on for decades. 

Pulling down the long driveway you were in awe at the spacious home that stood before you. Putting your car in park, you grabbed your bag and got out. 

Before you could knock on the door it opened and Jensen greeted you with a smile. “Hey, Y/N, glad you could make it.” “Hello, Mr. Ackles, thank you for having me.” “Please, call me Jensen.” You nodded and smiled, “Okay, Jensen.” 

He welcomed you into his spacious home and led you to the living room. “Please have a seat, and I’ll get the kids down here. Would you like anything to drink? Tea, water?” “Um, sure, I’ll have water if you don’t mind.” “Sure thing. I’ll grab it and the kids.”

You sat on the couch as Jensen left the room. You heard him calling the kids and the sound of feet on the stairs. 

Jensen and the kids came back to the room. He handed you the water. “Thank you.” He nodded and smiled. “Kids, this is Ms Y/L/N, she’s going to be your tutor. Ms Y/L/N, this is my oldest, Annie, and the twins, Jessica and Jensen Jr., we call him Jr.” “Hi guys, it’s nice to finally meet you three.” “Hello Ms Y/L/N, it’s nice to meet you too.” Jensen’s son walked over and sat next to you, “Are you married? Do you have any kids?” “Yes I am married, and no I don’t have any children yet. I’m a teacher so my students are like my kids right now.” 

The five of you sat in the living room talking and getting to know each other. After the kids got tired of talking and asking you questions, they left the room. Leaving you and Jensen alone. “So, Y/N, what do you think? Think you can handle them?” You smiled and nodded, “Yes. They seem really sweet, I’d be just fine with them.” 

“Well, all that’s left is to talk about schedule, pay, and the NDA. The NDA is to protect everyone involved. You’re more than welcome to contact an attorney to look it over.” You smiled and nodded. About 45 minutes later you and Jensen had talked about your schedule, the pay and he’d given you the NDA.

“So, Y/N, do you have any additional questions for me?” “Yes, when will your wife be back, I’d love to meet her too.” “She won’t be back for a few weeks, but you’ll get to meet her when she returns.” You nodded and stood, “Well, Jensen I better leave you to it. I need to get home anyway. I have some things to do for work.” “Of course, well thank you again for coming by this evening. Let me walk you out.” 

The two of you walked towards the door. “Thank you again, Y/N for agreeing to take this job. We’ve interviewed so many people and they couldn’t get past my status to focus on the kids.” “If I’m being honest Jensen, I’ve been a fan of yours for years, but I promise that will not interfere with my job.” Jensen stepped a little closer to you, and your heart beat faster, “I’m glad. I think this is going to work out for everyone.” A blush filled your cheeks and you bit your lip. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Y/N.” “I’ll see you tomorrow, Jensen. Please tell the kids goodbye.” He nodded as you stepped out of the house.

Getting into your car, you let out the breath you’d been holding. Driving home you couldn’t focus on anything but how gorgeous Jensen looked. Stop it girl! You work for him now. If you can’t stop these thoughts there is no way you’re going to be able to work for him. Your focus should be on his children. Both of you are married, and his wife is absolutely gorgeous. 

About a half hour later you were pulling in your driveway. Your husband was already home. Walking in the house you announced you were home, “Honey I’m home.” Your husband, Jeff, came around the corner and pulled you into a hug and a kiss. 

“How was the meeting with the family?” He asked as he pulled back. “It was great. The kids are so sweet. The wife is out of town and the dad is super nice too. There is a little problem. Well, not really a problem, but something I need to tell you.” “Okay, babe, is everything okay?” “Yeah, so the dad asked me to sign an NDA.” Your husband laughed, “Why is he a secret service agent or a celebrity?” You got a serious look on your face and your husband’s laughter died down. “What? Is he really?” “He and his wife are celebrities. It’s Jensen Ackles.”

Your husband pulled away and looked at you in surprise. He knew how much you liked Jensen and how much of a fan you’d been. “Yeah, I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with you working for him.” You looked at him confused, “What? Why not?” “Oh I don’t know, maybe because you’ve had the hots for him for years.” 

“Jeff, come on, really? I have no interest in him. I love you and I’m married to you. This is a job to help bring in more income for us. Besides, the pay is incredible. I tried to negotiate because I felt it was too much, but he insisted. We’d make enough in two months to pay off our credit cards.” 

Your husband’s jaw tightened, “I don’t care. I forbid you to take this job!” “I’m sorry, what? You forbid me?!? What the hell is wrong with you?” He stepped closer to you, “You heard me. You can’t take the job.” You scoffed and walked away. Jeff grabbed your arm, “Don’t fucking walk away from me!” “Let me go Jeff!” You pulled your arm away and walked to your shared room, locking the door behind you.

You sat on your bed and cried. How could he act like this? You two had been married for years and never had you given him a reason to doubt your loyalty. He’d never grabbed you before and you would never let him do it again. 

You pulled out your phone and sent a text to your best friend.

You: Hey, can I come crash at your place for a bit. Jeff and I had a bad fight. I don’t want to be here right now.

Y/B/F: Absolutely. Are you okay? Do you need me and hubby to come over?

You: Yeah, I’m okay. No, I’ll be okay. I’ll call if I need you.

Y/B/F: Okay babes, see you soon.

You grabbed your suitcase and put some work clothes and casual clothes in it. You grabbed your toiletries and other things you needed. As you walked out into the living room Jeff was sitting on the couch. You could see he was still pissed. “Have you come to your senses, Y/N?” “Yes I have, I’m going to Y/B/F’s house until I figure things out. You will NEVER put your hands on me again!” 

He stood and your heart beat fast. As he walked closer to you, you could see the rage in his face. You had been with him for years and you had never seen him like this, you were scared. 

Jeff stepped closer to you, mere inches from your face, “That’s right, go run to her house and go be his whore.” You didn’t say anything. You grabbed your bags and left. 

Driving down the road the tears started to fall. How could he act like this over a simple job? Why was he so jealous over Jensen? Sure you liked him, but you would never act on those feelings.

Pulling into your friend’s driveway you saw her open the door before you got out of the car. She ran up to you and threw her arms around you. “Oh sweetie, what happened?” She saw your tear stained face. “I told him about the tutoring job I took and he lost it. Told me I couldn’t take it and then he grabbed my arm. When I told him I was leaving he told me to go be the dad’s whore. I don’t know what’s gotten into him.” 

“Let’s get you inside, eat and I’ll open a bottle of wine. Then we can talk.” You nodded and grabbed your things. Her husband walked over and gave you a big hug, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m gonna head out so you girls can chat. Enjoy dinner.” He placed a kiss on your head before heading out the door. 

Y/F/N and you grabbed the food, and wine and sat down in the living room. “So why would he get so pissed about a tutoring job?” “Well the dad asked me to sign an NDA, he’s a celebrity. I guess Jeff thought I’d sleep with the dad or something. I just don’t understand.” “Oooh who is it?” “I wish I could tell you, but I can’t. Maybe I can ask if I can tell you, but I want to respect his privacy.” “I get it, but Jeff still shouldn’t have gotten pissed about it. Sounds like he’s got something to hide honestly.”

You hadn’t thought about that before, but now you couldn’t get it out of your head. Maybe he was the one cheating on you and was projecting. “Well even if he is, I don’t think I can go back to him. After he put his hands on me and the way he tried to intimidate me before I left. I can’t live with that fear.” “You are welcome to stay here as long as you want. We’ve got you girl, and don’t worry he won’t get near you here.”

*Time Jump 3 months*

“Okay guys, let’s get up and stretch for a bit. We’ve been working hard. Who wants to go outside and play for a bit?” You asked the kids after spending about an hour working with them at the kitchen table. The kids jumped up and ran outside, laughing and racing each other. You smiled as you started to clean up the table. 

Jensen walked into the kitchen and smiled, “Break time, I see.” “Yeah, they needed a break and so did I. Can I get you a coffee, Jensen?” Jensen walked over to the coffee pot, “No, let me get one for you. You’ve been busy educating my children. It’s the least I can do.” 

Jensen grabbed a coffee cup and filled it up, sliding it to you at the kitchen bar. You nodded and told him thank you. He filled one up and leaned against the counter. “So, how are they doing? Are you still okay with working with all three of them?” “Oh they are amazing children. You and your wife should be very proud of them. I adore them.” 

“Thank you, Y/N. I appreciate that.” “So if you don’t mind me asking, when is Mrs. Ackles coming home? I know she’s been out of town on a trip for about a week.” “Oh, yeah she’s on a girls trip. I believe she will come back next week. Maybe she’ll be around more after she gets back.” You could see the pain in his eyes and it broke your heart. “Well I can’t wait to sit and chat with her. I enjoy talking to you, and I’m sure I’ll enjoy sitting and talking to her too.” 

There was a pregnant silence that fell between you two, you looked up and met his eyes. They had a softness to them and were full of kindness. You blushed and smiled. The silence was broken by the sounds of crying. Jensen and you jumped up and ran outside. His daughter, Jessica was sitting on the ground crying. You and Jensen ran over to her and saw her knee was bleeding. 

Jensen scooped her up and carried her in the house. He sat her on the counter and you stood next to her. “Shh, it’s okay baby girl. Your daddy is going to get the first aid kit.” You rubbed her back and wiped her tears. 

Jensen came back carrying the first aid box. You held Jessica’s hand as he cleaned up the wound. “So Jess, what do you want for dinner? I bet you can get your daddy to get you whatever you want.” “I want cheeseburgers and ice cream, she sniffled.” “Ooh that sounds yummy. Does your daddy make good burgers?” She smiled and nodded. 

“Okay baby girl, all done.” Jessica looked at Jensen, “It didn’t even hurt.” Her eyes were wide. You smiled and Jensen looked over at you and smiled. “Well I think Ms Y/N has the magic touch then.” “Yes she does. Ms Y/N, can you stay for dinner?” Jensen was shocked, “Oh honey, Ms. Y/N has to get home to her husband. She can’t stay for dinner.” 

“Well, Jessica, if it’s okay with your dad I’d love to stay for dinner.” “Yay! I’m gonna go tell Jr and Annie.” You helped her down and she took off. As you were helping Jensen clean up, he looked at you, “Thank you for keeping her calm, but you really don’t have to stay. I’m sure your husband is waiting for you.” 

You put your head down, trying to hold back the tears. Taking a deep breath, “No, he’s not. I really would like to stay if you’re okay with it.” “Yes, that would be great. Jess really wants you to stay.” “Okay, let me help you cook then.” “Oh no ma’am, you are our guest.” 

You smiled “Please, it’s the least I can do.” “I’m not going to win this argument, am I?” “Nope, you’re not.” You laughed. “Okay, fine.” He chuckled.

Thirty minutes later you and Jensen were calling the kids in to wash up for dinner. Dinner was delicious and after dinner Jensen pulled out the ice cream. Jessica was excited, because they didn’t get ice cream often. “My wife would kill me if she knew I was giving them ice cream. They tend to get a little wild.” You both laughed. 

After ice cream, the kids went to the living room to watch tv while you helped Jensen clean up the kitchen. His phone rang as you two were cleaning. He sighed before he answered and walked out of the room. 

You kept cleaning and a few minutes later he came back in. “Sorry about that. It was my wife. She wanted to talk to the kids.” “Oh it’s not a problem. That’s sweet she calls when she’s away.” “Yeah, it is.” His jaw tightened a bit. 

The two of you reached for a bowl at the same time and your hands brushed against each other. A chill went through your body. You two looked at each other and you bit your lip, he swallowed hard. 

“Sorry,” you said as you pulled your hand back. “It’s okay.” Jensen cleared his throat, “Well it’s getting late. I’m sure your husband is worried about you.” You took a deep breath, “No, we um, actually split up a little over 3 months ago.” Jensen placed his hand on yours, “I’m so sorry, Y/N. That has to be hard.” “Yeah, it has been. Things just got really bad, so I left. I’ve been living with my best friend and her husband since.” 

“Well, if it gets too crazy there we have a guesthouse you’re welcome to stay in. I know the kids would love to have you around more.” You smiled, “That’s a generous offer, but I think I’m okay where I am right now. Besides, that’s a decision I think your wife should be included in.” “I understand, the offer stands though. She’d be fine with it. She’s always willing to help people.” “Thank you, I appreciate that. I’ll keep it in mind.” 

About an hour later the kids were in bed and you were getting ready to head home. “Well, thank you for dinner and a wonderful evening. I will see you on Monday.” Jensen stood to walk you to the door. His hand brushed lightly on the small of your back and a shiver went through you. “Good night, Jensen. Thank you again for dinner and the conversation.” “Good night, Y/N, and you’re welcome.” Jensen reached out and pulled you into a hug. You took a deep breath and breathed him in. God he smelt amazing, and he was so warm. 

When you two pulled away he lightly ran his thumb over your cheek. You instinctively leaned into his touch. Your breath hitched, “I should go.” You whispered. “Yeah, you probably should.” 

Jensen stepped closer, you bit your lip. His thumb ran over your chin, pulling your lip out of your teeth. Your breathing grew more rapid and your heart beat wildly. His lips were inches from yours, your breath mingling with his. He licked his lips and leaned even closer. You felt his lips ghosting over yours. “Jensen..” “Tell me to stop and I’ll stop.” You looked at him, your voice caught in your throat. “Y/N, do you want me to stop?” “No,” was all you said. 

Jensen’s lips crashed into yours. Soft but forceful and full of passion and need. Your mind swirling, your heart pounding as his tongue licked your lips asking for entrance. You parted your swollen lips and his tongue took dominance in your mouth. Jensen’s hands went into your hair and pulled you closer to him. Your hands wrapped around his neck. 

The kiss seemed to last for hours, the need for air causing your lungs to scream for oxygen, but in that moment Jensen was the only thing you needed to live. When the need for air became too much, you both pulled away, panting with swollen lips. 

You were blushing and Jensen was smiling. “I’ve been dying to do that for a really long time.” You smiled and bit your lip. His hand brushing against your cheek, “So beautiful”. You took a deep breath, “Good night Jensen.” He placed a soft peck on your lips before you walked out of the house. 

Driving home all you could think of was the kiss. You’d dreamed of kissing him for years, but he’s married. What did the kiss mean to him, to your job? Would he want to do it again, would you? Your mind was racing with thoughts of the kiss and how you could still feel his lips on yours. The sound of your phone pulling you out of your head.

Jensen: So I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I swear I didn’t plan that. 

You: You didn’t make me uncomfortable. I liked it. Honestly, a little too much. 

Jensen: I liked it too. I’d like to do it again if you want.

You: I like that more than you know, but you’re married and my boss. I’m not sure it’s a great idea.

What the hell are you doing!? Jensen Ackles is telling you he wants to kiss you again and you’re shooting him down. Ugh!

Jensen: I understand. Please don’t think this changes anything or affects your job. It doesn’t. You’re amazing with my kids and I wouldn’t want to mess that up.

You: Thank you. I appreciate you saying that. Good night, and I’ll see you Monday.

Jensen: Good night, Y/N. Sweet dreams and see you Monday.

As you crawled into bed that night all you could think about was the kiss and how wonderful his hands felt on you. A small pang of guilt crept into your head when you thought about his wife. You still couldn’t believe you told him you didn’t think kissing him again would be a good idea. His lips were so soft and damn was he a good kisser. 

Could you really still work for him after this, or would the pull to kiss him become too much?

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[theyanderespecialist]

(Updated) Base Yandere Lord Dimitrescu Headcanons (Genderbent Lady Dimitrescu) (Resident Evil 8: Village)

[Hello, My Sexy Muffins! Welcome back to another chapter! In this chapter it is Lord Daddy Dimitrescu as a yandere, he is the genderbent of Lady Dimitrescu. The Artwork I have for this is on Tumblr, wattpad, youtube, etc. I own it as I commissioned it. I hope you all enjoy this chapter here!] 

(Disclaimer: Lord Daddy Dimitrescu is the genderbent version of Lady Dimitrescu, and he is not yandere in canon as her. This is just for fun and not to be taken seriously at all. Simping for fictional characters is fine, just do not be gross or illegal about it. Also, rule 63 is if there is a female character on the internet it has a male version and vice versa. Also, Also, remember to separate fiction from reality and headcanon from canon! Yanderes are not ideal partners to have in real life. NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY ARE MOMMIES AND DADDIES AND OR HOT LOL)

But let's be honest if Daddy D was yandere for me I would DROP EVERYTHING For this man! 

Still, yanderes are not ideal... poo... 

(Once Again, Enjoy this!) 

-Base Yandere Lord Dimitrescu Headcanons- 

.Lord Daddy D (yes that is what I am going to call him in this and you cannot stop me XD) is one of the four lords. 

.You are the child of the local tavern owner in the village. 

.You were to take Lord Dimitrescu's wine from him to transport out of town, this is how you met the lord. 

.Instantly he wanted you, and he would have you. 

.You would be a good partner and parent to his daughters. 

.He wanted to keep you and he will. 

.He now would come down to the tavern very often. Where he would see you working as a waiter at your father's tavern. 

.You were a dutiful child and he could not wait to have you. To taste you in more than one way~ 

.He obviously has an excitement for how large he is compared to you. 

.His sheer size, he could use you like a toy on his manhood. 

.The idea alone excites him. 

.Also he could make love to you standing up lifting you up and down on him. 

.Almost wrapping a hand around half of your waist. 

. Your size to him is something he likes very much. 

.It makes him the more dominant one and is able to make you his easily. 

.As a yandere he is very possessive and controlling and demanding. 

.You belong to him and you should do as he says when he says it. 

.You will be his nice little spouse for him. 

.He has a daddy kink 

.So he would be fatherly to you and guide you as a caretaker a lot of the time. 

.He is also the type of yandere that will love to worship your body over and over making love to you until you pass out. 

.To make you feel like you might shatter upon him.

.He is also very rough with you in the bedroom. 

.able to make you cry out in delight and come undone upon him. 

.He can be also a bit of a jealous yandere. 

.He wants to be your one and only. 

.If any other man or woman defiled you then they will be killed. 

.If you were with anyone else besides him he would punish you. 

.You should have none better and been a good future spouse and waited for him. Even though you did not know he would want you. 

.Once he does punish you and kills all that have been with you. 

.He will claim you, marking you as his and his alone, so no one will ever be able to have a claim on you again. 

.He will most likely brand you with his house crest and carve his name into your collarbone. 

.So everyone knows that you are his and belong to him and him alone. 

.You will be moved to the castle to be his bed warmer and future spouse. 

.Only his daughters and him could speak to you. 

.If you tried to run the villagers are more than willing to capture you again and to bring you back to him. 

.Where you would be punished by him for daring to leave then he will make love with you for days on end until you know your place with your future husband. 

.He deals with rivals by torturing them and throwing them into the dungeon. 

.You will be a good partner for him, he will make sure of it. 

.He confesses to you by having a candlelit dinner. 

.It is beyond romantic, if you say yes, you will be expected to marry him in post haste. 

.If you say no, well he will threaten your family. 

.He was a lord, what would your father do if he tavern was closed.

.If you still say no he will just have your father give him your hand that way you cannot say no. 

.In the end you will marry him, it is just better for you if you are willing. 

.He will hold your family over your head and you will be forced to marry him. 

.To become his spouse and to warm his bed. If possible to carry his seed and give him more children. 

.He will not stop until you are his mark his words. 

.You belong to house Dimitrescu, you belong to Lord Daddy D. 

(Now should there a mini-series of Vampire lord Daddy D >:3 

[YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I hope that you all enjoyed this and stay sexy all of my sexy muffins!] 

[eye-may]

Can we hear the secrets behind why you don't like qui-gon?

sorry I'm responding to this idek how many years late! I'm older and more burdened with real life responsibilities now, so I am no longer concerned with the repercussions I will inevitably sustain from extolling my soul's torment over a fictional character from leorge jucas's self-insert seven samurai au fanfiction.

more beneath the cut! I suggest not reading if you will become emotionally compromised by incendiary opinions regarding your problematic fav

put simply: he's awesome and commendable in every regard except when it comes to ob-wan kenobi, to whom he is a massive steaming pile of shit, and it's not IN SPITE of the fact that he's otherwise fine, it's BECAUSE of the fact that he's otherwise fine.

maybe I'm projecting but I've personally known the type of person who goes around acting as an altruistic beacon of light and amicability, but then turns around and is a prick to the people who are nearest to them and most constantly in their presence (hi dad!) I don't understand how I'm supposed to buy into the idea that qui-gon was uniquely bespoke ideologically leagues ahead of his fellow jedi when he does shit like ditch his padawan to face dangers unknown on the regular

before you "legends isn't canon that stuff didn't happen!" me, idc! a sizeable portion of the insight we have into qui-gon's history in conjunction with obi-wan is pre-disney-takeover, and the homophobic rodent has done nothing to move qui-gon's proverbial needle if we get into the nitty-gritty of his aptitude as a jedi master specifically. what reason do I have to believe that post-disney qui-gon wouldn't abandon thirteen year-old obi-wan without a weapon on a hostile war-torn planet over his heterosexual fixation on an old flame??? and then not fucking think about him or ask about him, let alone go back for him afterward?? "tHaT wAs oBI-wAn'S cHoicE!" hi!! he's in sixth grade!! little bro's a decade and a half away from choosing a college major; sometimes as the middle-aged adult it's time to step in! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

qui-gon evaded obi-wan like the plague on the onset, partly because of his xanatos trauma, which is fine! he's allowed to feel that way! can't blame a bitter old man for not wanting to raise another adolescent boy! but regardless of apprenticing obi-wan, the force would be screaming max-volume, twenty-seven hundred decibels, "OBI-WAN IS IN DANGER! OBI-WAN NEEDS HELP!" and this grown ass adult whom everyone says is the most ethically high-flown jedi that ever jedi'd will literally ignore the multi-trillion God Particle's portents and get some shut-eye. (this actually happened) obi-wan HIMSELF, who had been homeless on a foreign planet amidst a devastating war, sent a message to the temple asking for help, and when yoda tried to show qui-gon, qui-gon's immediate reaction was "I don't have time for this" and to walk away. bro was hellbent on leaving this child to quietly perish.

I swear to god we need to normalize giving control of current canonical star wars to people who don't noticeably hate obi-wan, because the novel 'padawan' is all about qui-gon being a negligent edgelord and the summary frames it like obi-wan is causing the core problem. 'obi-wan impulsively decides to go on the mission by himself' how about 'qui-gon impulsively decides not to fucking show up' and apparently not communicate a thing to his teenage student in the throes of his emotional constipation.

in 'masters and apprentice' (also technically canon for the mouse purists!) qui-gon was patently, expressly, relieved at the idea of having an 'out' of his mentorship with obi-wan. and then in the end when he ultimately decides to continue their duoship (he never consulted or communicated with obi-wan by the way) it's not because he's looking out for obi-wan's better interests. it's not because he was worried about how the severance would affect obi-wan's progress. it's not because he would miss him or feel bad about the emotional fallout, the implications. at the end of the book, he learns jack shit about understanding and connecting with his student. he stays ensconced in his metaphorical ivory tower, making decisions with himself and his grandiose foresights in mind; he doesn't spare a thought towards his student! his kid! the guy whose emotional and intellectual development he's patently responsible for! not to mention btw qui-gon didn't tell obi-wan that he was thinking about ditching his ass. obi-wan had to find out from someone else.

I could go on. at the end of the day, when qui-gon felt that he was brushing up against the materialization of his soothsaying Special Interest (he calls them prophecies, I call them Can't You Be Normal??), he was all too ready to dump his padawan for the umpteenth time, never once stopping to inquire after how obi-wan feels about this development. he shows infinite warmth and admiration towards anakin, behaves in this soft fatherly manner, celebrates his wins and is anxious to contribute to his development...and name me any comparable moment he ever had with obi-wan kenobi, an individual whose life went to shit countless times and who never used any of the physical and emotional pitfalls to rationalize Turning To The Dark Side. it's like. it's like qui-gon never spares a thought for obi-wan. he's thinking about everybody else. consoling everybody else. uplifting everybody else. he's last spoken words aren't an expression of pride, or an attempt at soothing platitudes, or a wisened axiom. qui-gon's final words aren't about obi-wan. they're about anakin. at the end of 'master and apprentice,' Obi-Wan is leaning over his unburned pyre before the ceremony and contemplating the fact that after everything...he almost got ditched again. (btw just incidentally it drives me NUTS that one interview where david felony is all "qui-gon was fighting for his son" in reference to anakin BABE? HE KNEW THAT PAIN IN THE ASS SHORT STACK FOR A WEEK)

Incidentally, in that same book, qui-gon becomes privy to the fact that, in choosing to see the mission through (while qui-gon phoned it in because he's Not Like Other Jedi), obi-wan is putting himself directly in the line of oncoming fire. and what does qui-gon do? warn obi-wan? interrupt the doomed ceremony? risk a public crash out in favor of bodily removing his surrogate child from the epicenter of foretold harm? none of the above! he just sits and waits for the shit to hit the fan.

I feel like obi-wan's life story can be surmised in the lens of constantly being surrounded by dipshits that don't deserve him. my thing furthermore is that star wars canon across the board portrays kenobi as an intrinsically good-natured, tooth-rottingly virtuous, inherently respectful, kind, bright, exemplary adherent to the epitome of Light/The Force. The ideal Jedi, a beacon, a selfless student of divinity that goes on to lead an army, and then to overcome the most extreme variety of losses to stand as the last hope his people ever had in the galaxy after it all fell to ruin. as a padawan, obi-wan was studios, respectful, obedient, admiring, a rule-follower. he was committed to the Jedi Order and desperate to contribute to the greater good. it's not like he was checked out, indifferent, or like he was emotionally volatile, or troubled, or difficult, or disobedient, or whateverthefuck, he's literally a perfect fucking kid. despite that, there's something about him that just doesn't "click" for qui-gon, that isn't worthy of qui-gon's efforts to broker an understanding or foster a meaningful connection. show me one instance, in canon or in legends, in which qui-gon shows genuine paternal warmth and affection towards his padawan. just kidding! I'll save you the effort! you can't!

you will, however, be able to find such moments between him and anakin. for the love of god, I recall in m&a a rather poignant moment between qui-gon and DOOKU. DOOKU! why am I more apt to believe that dooku cared about his padawan, than I am to believe that qui-gon gave a fuck about his 😭 you can't tell me like "oh thats just the way qui-gon is, he's aloof, he's emotionally unexpressive, he's this that and the other thing" so the thing is no he's not!! he's CHARACTERISTICALLY emotional, available, and transparent in very UN-JEDI-LIKE WAYS! I guess there's just something about innocent, inoffensive obi-wan that really brings out qui-gon's coldness and psychological impenetrability! qui-gon is, by all accounts, warm and openly familial towards other important people in his life; tahl, feemor, xanatos, etc...and then along comes obi-wan caught in the throes of what is apparently the worst fucking phase of qui-gon's life.

obi-wan, meanwhile, inherits an apprentice who is, again by all acounts...difficult. disobedient. troubled. etc. and yet obi-wan remains so steadfast and caring and committed that he fosters a connection between himself and his padawan that is so luminescent and intimate in the end. to the point where palpatine HAD to ensure that the two were separated in order for his plans to come to fruition. to the point where palpatine considered using obi-wan as his linchpin for anakin's downward spiral before he realized he'd have to use padme. if obi-wan could show enough patience and good grace to steadily nurture his connection with Future Space Hitler, what is qui-gon's excuse???? you can't even tell me I'm hitting him with some blown-out-of-proportion drastically-uncharitable misleading interpretations because halfway through jedi apprentice qui-gon HIMSELF acknowledged that he was being a prick to obi-wan FOR NO REASON?

anyway qui-gon earned his fucking bashing tag on ao3. if I got my hands on this god foresaken intellectual property my first order of business would be to undo all the injustices obi-wan suffered at the hands of his negligent deadbeat volatile dadperson. Im all for complicated relationships with ups and downs but if qui-gon can't be arsed to spare a first or second thought to his angelic ass child, then the dynamic is nothing more than incomprehensible and stupid to me </3

anyway, bonuses

this is a smattering. a smidgen. a negligible soupçon of my torment that is frankly ameliorated by years of dormancy. anyway obi-wan is the most tragic character in star wars objectively

[archduchessofnowhere]

We talk about portrayals of Sisi, but I think that Franz Joseph was, if anything, even more misrepresented by the recent period dramas. How would you rank the portrayals of him you have seen/read (in historical novels)? Is there any piece of historical fiction that actually captures his character accurately?

Hello! YES I always focus on Elisabeth but he is also completely butchered in all these new series. I think I've said it before, but basically it's very hard to reconcile who FJ actually was (both as an emperor and as a person) with him being a love interest we as an audience can root for. Specially in these new adaptations in which Elisabeth is outspoken, mature and actively politically involved in the events of the empire (and not just the Compromise). Why would our Girl Boss protagonist want to be with a man who was bureaucracy made flesh, very conservative, and just kinda boring in general? It doesn't work. Thus, his personality also gets rewritten.

I don't really have a decided ranking, but off the top of my head I'd say these are my least to most favorite portrayals:

Sisi & Ich (2023): Do you hate Sisi adaptations that turn FJ into a horrible, abusive husband in order to make his wife look good? Well, this portrayal does just that. He is only very briefly in the movie but I hated every minute of it, personally I was mostly fine with the movie despite all its inaccuracies but there was one scene from this part that was a deal breaker for me. This movie should've been just two hours of Irma and Elisabeth traveling and nothing else.

Die Kaiserin (2022-): The solution of the screenwriters to the problem of "how do we make FJ likeable?" Basically turning him into his brother Maximilian lol. You see, he has liberal ideas but his evil mother doesn't let him pursue them! Oh, and he had nothing to do with those executions, that was also his mother! In fact everything bad he ever did was all his mother's fault, because he is not even governing, his mother is. By season 2 it almost seems that FJ has absolutely no idea what's going on in his own empire and needs to be explained basic thing like Italian nationalism. This series sanitizes FJ in levels that just aren't seen in any other adaptation, not even the Sissi Trilogy. You are watching the show and can't help but think "who is this guy???". The only thing he has in common with the real FJ is that he loves his wife, but the way their relationship is portrayed is so unlike the real couple that not even that makes him similar to his historical counterpart.

Sisi (2021-2024). This FJ is in the opposite end of the same spectrum as Die Kaiserin's FJ. Season 1 had the original take of not making FJ likeable, but instead they turned him in a borderline cartoonishly evil, violent and smug man. He smiles as he orders executions, he beats his aids for not reason, he openly cheats on his wife and publicly insults her in a fit of jealousy. Honestly I was baffled by this take, because even after all these bizarre changes they still went for a "Sisi and Franz's great love story!" approach for the series. Which was. A choice. They obviously wanted to make him like that so that he could go through a redemption arc thanks to his relationship with Sisi, but it was just not a well written arc, and when his personality does change in later seasons it doesn't feel like earned character grow but simply that the writers decided to tone down their original approach.

Yet I will admit I'm lowkey fond of this portrayal, I liked most of his storyline in season 2 (he spends most of the season bonding with a feral child and also definitely has a thing going on with Andrássy you can't convince me otherwise), and in season 3 I found myself agreeing with him. So yeah, utterly butchered FJ but in an entertaining way at least.

Sissi Trilogy: I'm honestly overall indifferent to this FJ; he is basically the blueprint for every posterior depiction that portrays him as a Prince Charming love interest. Yet, for all the overomantization of Elisabeth's early life, the movies don't shy away from telling us how FJ was directly responsible of the counter revolution executions. We even see how he is still hated in Hungary and Italy (at least until Sissi comes into the scene). A certain show from a certain straming service could learn that it's not necessary to completely sanitize his image and pin all his faults onto his mother to make Franz Josef into a palatable love interest.

Sisi (2009). I feel about this FJ almost the same as I feel about the Sissi Trilogy's FJ, but in this portrayal we do see more of him than just "Sisi's love interest". Also it's not always all the color of roses, he and Elisabeth disagree and fight more than once. His relationship with his brother Max is also really interesting, pity they only interact in like three scenes. Overall a solid take, if a bit romanticized and not particularly remarkable.

Kronprinz Rudolf (2006). Not a bad take but for what I remember they portrayed Taaffe as having this great influence over FJ and putting him against Rudolf. And like no the evil minister was not responsible for FJ distrusting his son He Was Like That.

Elisabeth das Musical: the only depiction on this list that I truly like, and it really proves that the only way to have a good FJ is to not make him into a love interest. He is only a supporting character and yet the musical nails the most important bits of his personality and his relationship with Elisabeth outstandingly well (loved his wife but never understood her, cheated yet still longed for her, let her go but always hoped she would comeback next to him). There's even room to also show his relationship with Rudolfl! The only thing that I don't really like is that they do portray his mother as having a lot of influence over him, but that's mostly because the musical has an outdated take on Sophie (which works pretty well in a storytelling level nonetheless!). Boote in der Nacht is the saddest song in the entire musical, and the musical is not even about FJ and Elisabeth as a couple. Just a great, nuanced and engaging take!

I know I'm missing a lot FJs but these are the ones that came to my mind right now; I don't think I've ever seen Franz Josef in a piece of media that isn't about Elisabeth or Rudolf. Thank you for your question!

[proshippers-against-censorship]

I noticed a few antis seem to have the idea that legal = moral, illegal = immoral and I am so curious if that's their logic regarding fiction and the law is their moral code, then why aren't they following the strictest countries' law to a T? For example, my country on a technical law stance doesn't discriminate against a fictional character vs a real child* so technically you could be arrested for fictional artwork that doesn't represent real people which antis would like.

Though death threats & continuously messaging someone through a telephone in a way that could cause the receiver distress or disturb their peace would be punished by jail time or a fine. So would it not be fair to tell antis they are committing crimes regarding that as well? Ah, but then the 'freedom of speech' excuse comes up and that people are only protected from the governmentnot backlash... not every country has that, mine certainly doesn't, and I'm finding it more entertaining when people apply laws from other countries to themselves to paint themselves more moral but only apply very specific laws and ignore the others like harassment laws in place as well.

*to my knowledge no one has been arrested on fiction alone in my country and the court has let people go that had artwork of fictional underage characters, the only people arrested with that as a 'reason' in the media so far are people who also had genuine CSAM or drugs inside their home and the police found it during a search. It's used as a 'red flag' and an excuse to search peoples homes rather than a punishable offence alone. So I'm not sure what exactly the punishment is for fiction alone

Ah, sorry, I realised this is more of a ramble. I hope that's okay.

We love rambles here.

But yeah, no, people seem to forget that just because it's illegal doesn't mean its immoral, and vice versa. Hell, there's some stupid things that are illegal. For example, Texas's largely unenforced sex toy laws. Is it really that immoral to own a dozen dildos? Certainly not. But it is illegal, and that's why they're considered novelties instead.

[ilovedrpepper1]

so I’m starting to see more of this again…

um first of all it was clear Reiner had a split personality (soldier/warrior) so Bertholdt had to remind him that HE IS NOT A SOLDIER HE IS A WARRIOR! A WARRIOR GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL! “Verbally abusing” my guy… most of the seasons bertholdt didn’t talk til last episodes of s2 and first few episodes of s3.

even a friend of mine explains it better🙄👎

anyways, pls understand bert’s character before hating on him👋😭 matter of fact just leave him alone if you hate him that much then fine but don’t be bad mouthing him. Reminder Bertholdt Hoover is an animated character A FICTIONAL CHARACTER!! So to be saying these things is wild, especially saying kill, torture because I have seen those haters day rhat about bertl. Bertholdt is not an abuser. Reiner was not being abused, it was his split personality cause from Marcel’s death as well. Bertholdt did not support Marley’s cause. He was a child brainwashed, only a child to help his father who sadly passed away after bertholdt’s desth (I forgot).

He also said he considered the scouts as his comrades, a true marleyan would not consider them as friends more, just distant themselves from the “devil island”

and now this…get ready

1. Bertholdt Did Not Abuse Reiner

The post states that Bertholdt “constantly abused” Reiner and “verbally abused him” whenever Reiner acted in a way he disliked. However, throughout the series, Bertholdt is portrayed as reserved, passive, and hesitant to express strong emotions, let alone be abusive. If anything, Bertholdt often follows Reiner’s lead.

• Bertholdt never physically or verbally abuses Reiner.

• On the contrary, he is often shown supporting Reiner despite his worsening mental state.

• The only time Bertholdt speaks harshly to Reiner is when he confronts him about his dissociation between his Warrior and Soldier personas—something Bertholdt does out of fear and concern, not malice.

2. Bertholdt Was Not Dismissive of Reiner’s Issues

The claim that Bertholdt was “completely dismissive of Reiner’s issues” is false. Bertholdt acknowledges Reiner’s mental struggles multiple times. However, Bertholdt himself is also struggling with guilt and fear, making him less equipped to provide emotional support.

• In Season 2, Episode 10 (“Children”), Bertholdt directly admits to being terrified of their mission and hints at the trauma they both carry.

• Instead of dismissing Reiner, Bertholdt passively goes along with Reiner’s dual identities, likely because he doesn’t know how to help.

3. Bertholdt and Reiner’s Dynamic Was Built on Mutual Dependence

Rather than a toxic or abusive relationship, Bertholdt and Reiner rely on each other heavily as fellow Warriors sent on a mission that has taken a heavy toll on their mental health.

• Reiner is the dominant force between them, and Bertholdt often follows his lead.

• However, Bertholdt does not reject Reiner or treat him with cruelty—he stays by his side until the very end.

• In Season 3, Episode 16, Bertholdt even expresses that he considers Reiner a close friend, despite everything.

4. Bertholdt Did Care for Reiner and Arguably Comforted Him

While Bertholdt is emotionally reserved, that does not mean he never supported or cared for Reiner.

• His loyalty to Reiner is evident, as he sticks by him even after their mission becomes increasingly dire.

• In their final moments together, Bertholdt still considers Reiner his friend, despite their impending doom.

Conclusion: The Post Misrepresents Bertholdt and the Relationship

The idea that Bertholdt was an abusive, unsupportive figure to Reiner is unfounded. Their relationship is built on camaraderie, shared trauma, and reliance rather than toxicity. Bertholdt was not a cruel figure in Reiner’s life—if anything, Reiner was the more dominant, forceful one between the two.

1. Marley ≠ Nazi Germany

Marley is not a one-to-one representation of Nazi Germany. The show’s world-building draws inspiration from multiple historical events and regimes, but it is not meant to be a direct allegory.

• Marley is an imperialist power, not a fascist state like Nazi Germany. It has been at war with multiple nations for centuries, using Eldians as expendable weapons.

Calling Bertholdt and Reiner “Nazi soldiers” is an oversimplification that ignores the show’s deeper themes of manipulation, war propaganda, and moral struggle. They were victims of a larger imperial system, not willing participants in genocide. Using such comparisons is misleading and trivializes real-world history.

I hope this LONG EXPLANATION WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THAT PIG BRAIN OF YOURS because hating on a fictional character is lame and especially saying very concerning things about him👎

In conclusion, shut up,

[rose-red-ink]

Minimal context starboard from our One Piece server

These are mostly by me and @incomingalbatross who is a hilarious human being and I adore her

I'm ngl I think being a clown would help Yonji's mental state

Babies are commodities right? That's why you have them?

...answering a Tumblr ask and talking about one of my Water 7 song choices

I came THIS CLOSE to saying Franky "went off the rails" after losing Tom

He's a literalist!! He puts his money where his mouth is!!🤣

he puts his money where his sword is (mouth)

Instead of "explain it like I'm five," Strawhats say "explain it like I'm Luffy"

Monet utilized girl power but she did NOT do it well

Robin would LOVE Mina. Girl who is smart and likes information and loves her people AND likes spooky graveyards? Perfect

Franky likes Dracula because it has trains in it

Mihawk; I miss my wife, Croc. I miss her a lot

...now I'm thinking about Arlong-Nami and Zeff-Sanji in juxtaposition

Arlong: "This is my Precious and Irreplaceable Cartographer :) she's so happy to be here :) Right Nami?"

Zeff: "This is my STUPID GARBAGE SOUS-CHEF who needs to LEAVE ALREADY"

In WCI;

Sanji; "They threatened Zeff"

Nami; "Oh!" (Has no idea what inflection to add to that "oh")

bc "they threatened arlong" ends in the best moment of Nami's life

New chapter!! Finally featuring my son who has every complex 💙

Law: the audience is looking at me. quick I gotta be Edgy

Your liklihood to get a stupid nickname is directly equivilent to how long it's been since Luffy talked with Makino, the only person on the planet who can make him remember manners exist

Her mom really did sell her to One Direction the Bege Pirates :/

Barto would be a Snuggly Duckling patron if he were in Tangled

🎶HE'S GOT A DREAM

HE'S GOT A DREAM

HE JUST WANTS TO SEE THE FUTURE PIRATE KING🎶

By Child Abandonment Year he looks like this

Romance Asexual Dawn Trio

"not my circus, not my monkeys" is a much funnier phrase in One Piece

Sengoku is chanting it to himself whenever a member of Garp's family OTHER than Garp makes world news again

he got to buy his crew's lives for the low low prices of letting these dweebs torture him. he is Winning right now

the ONE thing Mihawk and Buggy can bond over actually

Mihawk one day, in passing: "Why is Red-Hair like this and how do I get him to stop"

Buggy: "If you find out, LET ME KNOW"

[Heart Pirates Groupchat] CaptainPicard; "That's not respectful enough. Also stop changing my name to different fictional captains"

WhaleI'llBe; Yessir!

Calzone's name has been changed to Calzone-san

CaptainAmerica: .....I guess that's better?

I love it in Zou when he's like "TIME TO LET MYSELF THINK ABOUT MY CREW AGAIN" and he just walks away from the Strawhats immediately

"I am allowed to Feel Again"

...

...

"MY GUYS--"

when dating would be Too Much but your crush coughing blood onto your face on purpose is fine

Mihawk: Dear Perona, Did you know Gothic interiors were actually brightly painted and filled with light? The idea of them as dark or ominous places...

Perona, shoving the postcard in Zoro's face: WHY is he RUINING MY DREAMS

In their final duel, Zoro should slash him (Mihawk) across the chest and tell him to fight him someday

"just kill me, Roronora >:("

"It's still too early for you to die."

"I'm fourty two!"

"My name is Roronora Zoro! Learn about yourself! Learn about the world! and become strong!"

"I'VE BEEN TRAVERSING THE SEAS SINCE YOU WERE AN INFANT, WHELP OF A BOY"

GUYS STOP SAYING "REMEMBER WHEN--" I DO. YOUR SHOW HAS SUCESSFULLY BEEN INGRAINED INTO MY HEART AND PERSONALITY. I DON'T NEED THE FLASHBACKS I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THESE CHARACTERS

wait is Usopp a hobbit

(Modern AU, the Strawhats with a car) You are Harlord and you're driving your wife Linda and your two kids down to Florida to go to Disney world. You start to hear the faint hum of music coming up on the lane behind you. The car is next to your for long enough for you to see the driver being lightly....STRANGLED?! By a young woman in the passenger seat and you don't even have time to be alarmed bc he had just tried to do a U turn in front of you and she's stopped him. You can hear music bc the windows are down and there's a skeleton playing the violin and singing a sea shanty while a tiny reindeer asks a woman with too many arms for "five more minutes" on his IPad. You smell cigarette smoke. A man is sitting crosslegged on the roof. Smoking. As the car hurtles down the highway at 70 mph. And as they zoom by, the last thing you hear is loud laughter as a teenager crawls his way out of the window with too-long limbs and splays himself out on the grill of the car.

[transformersconfessions]

I actually don't think the babyfication/infantilisation of B-127 in transformers ONE should be such a big deal as some ppl make it out to be.

Do I think Bee is CANONICALLY a lil kid in TfOne? Absolutely not- I TBH subscribe to the idea he may most likely be the oldest of the group, he is just overly chatty and socially awkward due to being isolated for so long. I also don't think any of the others ever treat him as a child or as if he was younger, he is part of the group in a very homogenous/equal way.

Having said this, lil Bee is a ridiculously popular trope. He is small, he is yellow, he is round shaped, he is less somber- and ppl like that, and like to have fun with him being younger or the baby of the group or establish a parent-child relationship with Optimus/Orion. And I think that's more than fine! It's a cute concept, adorable even, I understand why ppl love it and why they wish to apply it to continuities regardless of canon. I tbh don't think it does any harm, in having him being a "child of divorce" with Opmeg or to even have him see Oplita as parental figures. This is fiction, and this is ppl having fun with fiction BCS it makes them happy or brings them comfort or just think is cute.

As long as they don't claim that any of this is canon and is the only "right way" to see him (which I have personally never seen, although this is ofc a biased opinion not enough of a large sample), then let ppl make their AUs or What if or Headcanons.

I also don't get the whole "this enforces the infantilisation of autistic/ADHD ppl" ?¿ I may be ignorant regarding this but just how would that even happen?¿ I never in my life looked at someone short and chatty and socially awkward and been like "oh that's definitely a child and should be treated as such"?¿ As someone on the spectrum myself and who has many friends/acquittance both with either or none, I have never seen this issue, nor the correlation of "you like Bee being the baby of the group hence you infantile or endorse the infantilisation of autism/ADHD"

Maybe I would see it more if we were talking about human characters played by real actors- but here we are talking about giant animated alien robots who have most likely concepts of age/development/social constructs totally different from our own especially considering how long they live- but maybe I am missing some important bit here, always open to be educated on the topic.

Am I saying you have no right to be annoyed by it? ABSOLUTELY NOT- your feelings are valid, but also, make callout posts of how "that's a grown man" feels a bit too much. If you want more canon accurate B-127 I think you should pick up a pen and do it yourself! Create fanarts of it, create fanfics, write analysis, list your head canons! And I am sure more ppl will look at this version and grow fond of it and start producing content themselves! Everyone has their right to have fun, no need to complain or criticise them for it :)

You like lil baby Bee and his father-son relationship with Orion? Go for it! You want to explore Bee as a grown mech who is on equal friends plate? Be my guest!

If you don't like something, either just scroll or block them, and if you want to change how things are, then start creating the corner of the internet you want to live in yourself! After all, all these fanarts/fanfics are works of PASSION given FOR FREE- I don't think you have a right to bash or complain about this nor can you force artists to produce what you want the way you want- but you can always become the artist that produces that yourself!

.

[sunnydust2003]

Vent:

It's official

I'm scared of her rn because since i deleted my account, she won't leave me alone.

She's still stalk and harassing me despissd facts, i left this god awful website.

She's calls me like a pedo, zoophilia, child murder and etc with no proof and took out of context.

Like explame this as possible i am:

1. Pedo stuff:

The reason why she's call me a pedo because i favourite parody of Cuties which was make funny of pedo which i favourite because i like people make fun of this type people who deserve that from piece of shit but i regrett favourite this art.

And one thing, i hate Cuties because you know why.

I'm glad it's got remove from good.

2. Zoophilia:

She's calls me a Zoophilia just because i comment of one my friends art of "Oh No, He's so Hot" gif of Squidward from picture of Donald being muscular (it's not fetish art btw) and she's believe i have crush on Donald which i don't have actually crush on Donald Duck.

Do i like Donald Duck, yes but do you have crush on Donald.

The answer is fuck no.

Donald isn't my fictional crush.

3. Shipping Ren and Stimpy.

She's believe i ship Ren and Stimpy just because of i comment one of person which i ask person where she's start ship Ren and Stimpy because i like heard when they start liles ship or anything.

Beside i don't ship Ren and Stimpy because i see them as friends and nothing else more.

4. She's hates when someone favorite artwork just because they don't like.

She's blame me of i favourite Spongebob x Vocaloid: Lust because she doesn't like song which okay fine but why you blame me from this.

Oh yeah because he's was prevent to female or some shit which btw i never actually listen to Lust or anything because i'm not interest on song.

Only i favourite because artwork was amazing and that's why favourite art in first place.

5. She's blame me over i ship something.

She's blame me over i made status about i cringe myself when i used ship Elsa and Selena Gomez just because i thought it's was adorable.

Keep mind, i was minor back the day, i didn't have brain development until i get olded and realized:

What the fuck is wrong with me.

Idk what's wrong with my younger self when ship this two.

I'm glad i stop ship this two because it's was weird af.

6. She's calls me a child murder.

Yup she's calls me a child murder because of i was hyper about FNAF movie and says i'm only watch movie because i want see kids get killed which wtf are you talk about?!

I'm not watch movie because kids get killed, i'm watch this movie because of how adoption of game it's was.

And i'm glad they didn't show kids get killed in movie because last time i have experince with kids get killed is was hard to watch.

7. She's rant about how i so called treat my friends shit.

Now yes, this was true i was asshole about my friends about whole of "Freddy hates his friends" but i was only mad at this because my friends is remind me of toxic cartoon community and i don't want my friends become one of them but since i watch AOSTH and Scratch, Grounxed and Coconuts are become my new favorite characters, i realized i was asshole towards my friends and i apologie to him from real this time and he's accept this apologie.

This now, we talks about Freddy fight Peck or other his interest, hell i even give him a idea and drawing based of i comment on this because i want make him a happy and i love make friends a happy.

But what really pissed me off is she's lying about me so called sent my whiteknight to my friends which it's was bullshit because i don't even have whiteknight and don't want harassing my friends over this.

I may was asshole but at least i apologie about my action and i want improve myself.

She's just lying herself with no proof of this.

8. Finally she's get trigged over i made one meme of Lincoln get kick out which was meant be make fun of toxic TLH fanbase of how overprotective Lincoln when Lincoln is no better.

Now if you see Such No Luck, i made meme this because i want pissed TLH fans off because how over sentisive about this when Lincoln is no better because he's was lying about he's got bad luck just want have free time when he's could tells his family honest.

Before you say, no i'm not defense Lynn Jr and facts, both of them are unlikable.

So yeah.

9. She's blame me over the facts, voice actor of Abby (Back at the Barnyard) is anti vaxxer and she's say i should proud of her because she's so called cares her children which i have question:

If she's so called cares her child, she shouldn't realized maybe i should protect my kids from infection but nope, she doesn't give a fuck about her children and forced on people who tells to wear mask is canceled culture which prove me a point, she doesn't care from children.

And i want talks about her double stands ass because i like how she's called me a pedo when she's also defense Rev Says Desu who is lolicon and she's defense him by saying:

"Oh he's not going after a real kids, they are just fictional characters" which is gross af.

And thing is she favourite of My Melody and Kuromi from Sanrio x Yu-Gi-Oh pillow sexual which remind me of:

"My Melody and Kuromi are underage" which is red flags because how she support this type shit.

So remember i tell you about she's thinks calling me a child murder just because i was hyper about FNAF movie.

About that, she's also double stands because she's calling me a child murder over FNAF movie but yet, she's have favourite FNAF on her DA.

Hey are you same person telling me about i'm so called support child murder just because of one movie but yet, you favourite FNAF despised facts, you just said to me i support child murder but i guess, she's become stupid af and acting like she's a innocent person.

Yeah fuck this bullshit.

So yeah, i'm done with this shit.

It's time to move on from good.

So yeah, if you reading this:

Please leave me the fuck alone, i don't want have deal with you or anything.

I just want get free from stalker and harassing i got from you.

So please leave the internet and get some seriously help.

[squidsinatrentchcoat443]

Rant about pro shipping (warning this has a lot of my opinion [woah see how I said MINE] and a lot of things that endanger kids)

Yes it it good to cope with trauma useing art, I’m not saying it’s not. BUT if you’re gonna do it in a way like this keep it off the internet. You are making a safe space for people who actually support these crimes. You are saying that you LIKE r@p3sts P3d0s and M@PS. You are opening a new space for people who should be no where on the internet. Leave the characters alone, leave the real kids alone. “But my therapist said it’s ok!” Your licensed, professional, trained therapist told you it’s ok the sexualize little kids on the internet? You can do this, whatever I don’t care, what makes me mad is you post it. You give it to people who don’t want to see this, people who are triggered by this, people who are young and are learning what this is. These kids who see this will begin to believe it’s ok. Believe it’s fine if this happens to them. “It’s a coping mechanism!” Yes, I use things like this too. Giving trauma you have to your characters is a good way of dealing with trauma. But you are endorsing it. You are saying this was a good thing. You are saying you enjoyed it. You are sharing it with others. You are making others believe this is good. “Fiction doesn’t affect reality!” Yes it does. People with DID have fictives that majorly affect their life. People become obsessed with a character or plot or idea. People have done terrible things to others and themselves because of fiction. “It doesn’t affect you!” It doesn’t affect me, but it affects many others. People get triggered by these things, people experience these things and hate it. People get major ptsd from it. People are seeing this for the first time and thinking it’s ok. People are doing this to others. “I don’t like it in real life!” You post it online. That’s real! People who see it are real. You are saying ‘I like that idea of a child getting majorly hurt but I don’t what it to happen!’ Do you see the plot holes here? “But it happened to me” and you’re making a space for it to happen more. When Someone has trauma they don’t like it. The character most of the time is enjoying what is happening. That’s not giving trauma to a character. That’s sexualizing minors. “But (character) doesn’t like what (other character) is doing to them!” You’re still exposing ppl to it. You’re still sexualizing the character(s), you’re still triggering ppl with it.

I’m not saying it’s not a way to cope with trauma. But relying on it for your only source of joy, or comfort is really bad. Everyone copes in a different way, but keep your coping mechanism private! Keep your weird thoughts about this to your self! Do you have no shame? Are you not ashamed that you are publicly confessing that you like the idea of R@p3, @g3gaps,and P3d0phl1a? I don’t get it.

In conclusion dont harass these people, don’t send them death threats, but I want people to understand this is not normal, nor ok. You can cope but cope off the internet.

[mooshie-blue]

My experience being AroAce and nonbinary

Other, if not most AroAce people have said that as kids or teens they never really felt romantic attraction, I’m the opposite, as a child I was obsessed with romance, I loved all the Disney couples, I loved Mario and Peach, I loved Wanda and Cosmo

As a child I always dreamed of having relationships of my own, dreams of finding someone who would be my “Prince Charming” I had crushes, etc. Once I reached middle school, where romance would usually start, I did get into relationships, But none of them really lasted, as time went on I learned relationships require so much effort and commitment, I couldn’t provide either, the only real relationship I had was really messy and was better as a friendship.

Most crushes I had on people since then I realize were mistaken, looking back I just really appreciated their friendship. Honestly I think I’m more comfortable not being in love with people, the idea if being with someone sounds amazing but when I really think about it, it just seems like a chore. I don’t mean to talk down relationships but due to personal experience it feels like once someone is in love with someone else, nobody else in their life matters.

But I feel so much more comfortable identifying this way, it feels correct of me, I still wish I could feel true romantic love for another people but my heart, funnily enough belongs to fictional characters, that’s another thing, this is a label I don’t really know how to approach but I think I’m fictosexual. Which has been said to be on the AroAce spectrum, since childhood I’ve been more attached to fictional characters, big example being Genie from Aladdin and most recently Captain Barnacles.

I really don’t know how else to put it, fictosexuality is trashed upon, and I’ll admit I still don’t quite understand it myself, but I’m pretty sure that’s what I am. And if you don’t like or accept it that’s not my problem.

As a kid, I was a girly girl, I liked princesses, I favored the sweeter female characters, my main in Mario kart was princess peach, I didn’t know transgender (or lgbtq as a whole) was a thing till I was 11, and even then I didn’t bother with it.

(My dad was and still is a 🍊supporter so yeah he didn’t leave a good impression on me) since like 2019 though, I started to wonder what I was, I knew I was a girl but, was I? I didn’t really think so, for a while I thought I was a boy, then I thought I was everything.

But I know what I am now, no, I don’t use binders, I don’t think I want to, I don’t experience dysphoria but I’m not exactly comfortable being perceived as just a girl. But I don’t feel like I have the womanly experience.

It feels wrong to call myself a girl, even though I’m perfectly fine being fem presenting. Hell I don’t want to call my birth name my deadname but I still don’t like the name I was given. I feel more myself when my name is Bonnie. I feel perfect.

Now more than ever, it’s important to share and uplift queer voices, I thought I’d share mine. Thank you for reading. ❤️