#but the horse of writing is a wily beast

[pink-ink-goblin]

Dr. Iplier x Host prompt 104?

Prompt 104: “I’ve never felt stronger than when you’re with me.” 

Even the doctor has his bad days…(I tried to take this and flip-flop the usual trope with these two and I failed miserably, but I do hope you still enjoy it anyway!

And thanks to @egotisticalfloof for giving this mess a proofread for me!)

Warnings: Full Blown Panic Attack

——-

The good doctor could feel it the very moment his world began to spiral out of his control.

Everything around him seemed to slow, ticking clock hands and dripping water spacing out further in their beat as if time itself was rejecting him. Reality bent and blurred and became far too bright, while things like idle chatter and footsteps faded until it sounded like they emanated from behind a wall of water.

He tried to hold it in, tried so hard to push it back down as he’d done so many times before, but this time it refused. It had been ignored long enough, collecting and filling like a cup left under the running tap for too long, and now it could take no more.

He could take no more.

The mug he’d been holding fell from his trembling hands, crashing to the floor with the sound of distant thunder, spilling cold, near black liquid everywhere. He whimpered, slapping his hands to the sides of his throbbing head while his breaths came and left so quickly it was like he was getting no air at all.

His eyes watered, his body quaked, his heart beat against his ribcage, and he could hear every noise making instrument all around him, every sound lined with fuzz and nigh impossible to understand. He wanted to run, something animal inside of him telling him to just flee without locating the danger, but he found his entire form frozen, only able to dig his fingernails into the sides of his face in abject and existential terror that he couldn’t even properly comprehend.

His knees suddenly gave out on him, painfully striking the hard tile below, sending a bolt up his spine and into his brain, but the jarring didn’t stop the noise, didn’t quell the swirling errant emotions inside of him.

Too many… There were too many noises, too many feelings. He couldn’t tell which ones were in his head or which ones were around him as they all blended together in a bland, indiscernible wave that continually beat into him, growing closer and closer in a dizzyingly claustrophobic swirl.

He ducked his head away from the shadows that surrounded him, curling inward as he started to sob into his knees. It felt like his soul was flying above him, trying to pull free and escape the unholy physical hell his body had become.

He…He felt like he was going to die…

Until suddenly, he felt something else, something that broke through the thousands of miles of unpleasant sensations and sounds. A feeling that brought some orient to his top-heavy world. The feeling of being firmly grasped on his upper arms.

Slowly, he looked up and through his tears saw a blur of brown and gold and undeniable red. That was… he was… Host. It had to be, and he was speaking to him, his mouth moving but the layer of cotton in his ears prevented him from hearing the words.

He wanted to speak, wanted to find some way to express his indescribable turmoil, but his tongue was too thick in his mouth, his brain wrapped in too much terror to find words. Another sob escaped him and he prayed it was enough to describe exactly what he was feeling to the narrator.

And thankfully, it was, if the man hadn’t already read him like a book of course.

Suddenly, his world grew warm, a firm pressure pulling him in from all sides like a comforting blanket, and he gave a shuddering breath as he allowed himself to be drawn into the sensation like a beacon in a storm.

The nauseating spinning began to slow as the touch permeated the hazy fog in his mind and pulled him back to solid ground.

The fear ebbed away as his senses filled with the familiar, soothing scent of spiced cologne and old blood.

His heart slowed down its savage beating against his ribs as he felt gentle fingers raking circles into his back.

And when he finally truly awoke, exhausted and still shivering, he realized he was wrapped tight in Host’s arms, the narrator muttering soothing words in his ear in that soft voice instead of the narrations that normally plagued him.

Pushing aside his curse, just for him.

“Host…” The doctor whispered, his voice filled only now with quivering shame for falling prey to what he considered weakness in his will. He felt so stupid. If only he could have been just a little bit stronger, this never would have happened. If only he could have held out for just a couple more hours, he wouldn’t have had to put out others to help him like this. If only…

Host suddenly shushed him gently as if he could hear his thoughts.

He probably could.

“You are not weak for this,” The narrator whispered back firmly, his breaths as warm as the voice in his ear. “This experience does not lessen you, or make you any less dependable than you already are. It just means that it’s perhaps time to sit out for a little while.”

“But I’m a doctor,” He replied wistfully, feeling the reflector on his head slide up as he buried his face in Host’s chest. “I’m the one who needs to be strong for everyone. I can’t afford to sit out. They… they all rely on me. You rely on me.”

“Reliance is not an excuse to neglect yourself,” Host reminded him, and the doctor could feel him rest his chin in his raven hair. “You can’t be strong all the time. No one can. Even you can only take so much before the weight of the world collapses on your shoulders.”

“Then what do I do?” He asked pitifully, lifting his head to look at Host’s face almost desperately, feeling the deadlock of still being stuck with the crushing weight of duty.

“Rest, you dope,” Host replied simply, a soft smile gracing his features. “Take those five minutes. Take an hour. Cry, read, sleep, or sit with me and do all three… Whatever helps you stop, so that you can dive right back in renewed again. Because it’s a harsh lesson to find strength from weakness by yourself.”

Dr. Iplier swallowed against his tight throat. Host was right. Host was always so right, even when the doctor wanted him to be so wrong. He wanted to believe he was infallible, that he could keep going forever without stopping. Help everybody, save everybody, but at what cost? He’d barely slept in days. Weeks even. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten. And he’d been learning the hard way that the human body just can’t subsist on coffee.  

And now here was Host, kneeling with him in the middle of a puddle of split coffee and ceramic shards for him, reassuring him when the doctor should have known better in the first place. Then again, he supposed, perhaps everyone needed a reminder every now and again that it’s okay to just stop. Even a man like him.

“How on earth did you become so wise? I thought that was my job.” The doctor sighed, finally - finally - feeling his soul begin to truly ease as logic seeped back in.

“One of us has to be the voice of reason,” Host replied with mild humor. “And how dare you make it be me.”

He chuckled a little at that. “Then I suppose for both of our sakes, I should learn how to properly rest.”

“That would be the key to being the strength you seek to be for everyone,” Host pressed gently, and Dr. Iplier looked at the bloody places where Host’s eyes should have been, before giving the man a small smile.   

“I was never a strong man,” Dr Iplier admitted quietly as he pulled himself close to Host once more and buried his face in his shoulder. “Never have been, and probably never truly will be… But I’ve never felt stronger than when you’re with me.”

Host just smiled at that, cheeks tinting slightly pink at the praise as he planted a firm kiss in his good doctor’s hair.

[zelda-without-a-licence-plate]

A recap of each chapter of Chasing Dragons, our botw megafic. It’s part novelisation part rewrite-- I consider it an ‘enhancement’ bc it mostly just takes the game and puts it in written story form and then just cranks everything up to 11 and it’s awesome. Not to toot our own horns but it’s very good and definitely worth the read! That said it’s long as hell and we don’t upload very fast, so this is why we have summaries of all the previous chapters; in case you forgot what the heck has happened so far LOL. I forget sometimes and I’m writing the damn thing! All chapter summaries under the cut!

Chapter 1

Link wakes up in the shrine of resurrection with no memories, guided by a light and a mysterious voice. He fights bokoblins, picks mushrooms, finds the ruins of the temple of time, and activates a Sheikah tower. He meets an old man that he doesn’t trust, who sends him to a mysterious shrine.

Chapter 2

Night falls on the Great Plateau. Link finishes the shrines, learns that teleporting sucks ass, oh yeah and also the old man is the ghost of King Rhoam in disguise. He gets the paraglider, sees his second sunset ever and leaves the plateau.

Chapter 3

Eager to get to Kakariko Village, Link makes the mistake of travelling on foot through the night, and almost gets got by two lizalfos. He almost makes it to Duelling Peaks Stable before passing out on the road.

Chapter 4

After waking up in the stable with his wounds dressed, Link talks to the young alchemist who found him, Sagessa. They cook together, and she tells him a little about Hyrule. Link catches a wild horse and names her Nyx. Just outside Kakariko, he meets a forest spirit named Hestu and gets his maracas back for him.

Chapter 5

Link arrives in Kakariko village and meets Paya, and Impa, who has been waiting a long time and has much to say to him. That night, the blood moon comes.

Chapter 6

After a restless night, Link sleeps in and spends most of the day in Kakariko village. He does laundry, plays with Cottla, buys things he will need for the road, and helps Koko make soup. After having dinner with them, Dorian tells Link that he can keep the coat he borrowed. Link leaves Kakariko.

Chapter 7

Link travels to Hateno Village. A haunted part of his past threatens to catch him at Fort Hateno. At the ancient tech lab, Link meets Purah, and she makes him relight the blue flame furnace in exchange for doing some work on the sheikah slate, restoring the pictobox. Link is not a naturally skilled pictographer.

Chapter 8

Link spends the day doing odd jobs around Hateno for some extra cash, and when he is attacked by an old woman’s wily cuccoo, he gets his first flashes of memories. He buys some nice clothes, promptly re-emptying his wallet. Also, they have communism there

Chapter 9

On his way back to to Kakariko to ask Impa about the pictos on the slate, Link encounters his first Yiga assassin, who tricked him by disguising themselves as Sagessa. This leads Link to believe he is being watched. in Kakariko, Link talks to Paya a few times, and asks Dorian about the locations in the slate’s picto album. He also asks him about the Yiga. Then he sets out for Zora’s Domain.

Chapter 10

A shortcut down the hill brings Link right to a stable, where he meets a travelling rito bard named Kass, who recognizes his slate. Link receives directions to the domain, but is warned that they are turning travellers away at Inogo bridge. Link goes anyway, and encounters the very dramatic Prince Sidon, who enlists his help in taming the Divine Beast Vah Ruta and curing the domain of their plague of rains.

Chapter 11

Arriving in the beautiful but deserted Zora’s Domain, Link and Sidon walk in on the council’s arguments on how to evacuate if-when the dam breaks. King Dorephan recognizes Link, to his surprise, and he is given the zora armour Mipha made for him 100 years ago. It was meant to be a surprise, a friendly gift to help Link swim better because he’s such a terrible swimmer, but she couldn’t finish the helm before the Calamity struck. That night, Link has a strange dream, and the next day he recalls a memory of Mipha.

Chapter 12

Sidon teaches Link to swim up waterfalls, and it goes okay. Link climbs Ploymus mountain to steal shock arrows from the lynel, and is mostly successful. Together he and Sidon face Vah Ruta, which is very successful! Link goes inside the Divine Beast.

Chapter 13

Within the Divine Beast, Link finds Ruta’s maintenance slate and solves puzzles to unlock the door to the main control unit. On the roof, he connects a call to Purah at the lab, with poor connection. Link finds the Lightscale trident embedded in the floor in front of the control unit, battles the Waterblight, and meets Mipha’s ghost. She tells him he must keep his promise to her to not give up. Link says goodbye to his friend.

Chapter 14

Link leaves Zora’s domain, accompanied by Sidon who brings him down the river. He fetches Nyx from the stable, where the people thought he was dead after his horse ran back without him. Seeking more information on ‘the sword that seals the darkness’ that he heard about from king Dorephan, Link goes once more back to Kakariko.

Chapter 15

Link returns to Kakariko village, and gets a cryptic but enlightening speech and the repaired Champion’s tunic from Impa. He and Paya revive the great fairy Cotera together, who gives them blessings in the form of a nice hairclip for Paya and a fused kinstone good luck charm for Link. Link spends all his money on a stealth suit, gives Koko a hug, and makes meat-stuffed pumpkin. Then he gets a hug from Dorian. Busy day for Link!

Chapter 16

After a frustrating time with a slate memory at lake Kolomo of Zelda talking about the Master Sword, and a foreboding Yiga encounter, Link arrives at Outskirt stable. In the morning, he meets the keeper of the Temple of Time, Hoshi, which is very confusing, because Hoshi is actually who Ghost!Rhoam impersonated as his ‘old man’ disguise. He learns he accidentally stole Hoshi’s warm doublet, but considering the rips and bloodstains it’s gained, Hoshi says he can just keep it. Link reaches the Gerudo Valley.

Chapter 17

In the Gerudo Canyon, Link meets a shady man on the side of the road who offers to buy his horse, but Link refuses. Later he ventures up into the expansive scaffolding above the canyon to rescue four travellers from bokoblins, who eagerly adopt him into their friend group. Link accompanies them up to the wasteland tower, and leaves them there at nightfall to continue his quest. Upon returning to the road, he discovers his horse has been stolen.

Chapter 18

Link is reunited with Nyx! Kass sings him a song about the hero of ten thousand years ago, and Link ventures out into the desert on foot. Unprepared for the harsh climate, he is in poor health when he finally reaches Kara Kara town after a full day of walking. The town is full of displaced refugees from Temple City, which has already been trampled by Vah Naboris. The Divine Beast stomps dangerously close to the down, and Link gets a slate memory of himself killing a yiga assassin 100 years ago there.

Chapter 19

Link meets Vilia who decides to take him under her wing and buy him proper desert clothes and aloe vera for his stupid poor little meow meow sunburn. Gender happens but somehow Link doesn’t notice. Vilia is rich and famous and glamourous and amazing. Link takes a bath, makes soup, and meets Vilia’s husband, Reynold, who works at the town’s stable and is also great. Link spends the night on their couch.

Chapter 20

Link travels to Palace city in the morning, kills two lizal on the way there and after getting a bad grade in customs check is arrested on suspicion of being a Yiga spy. cringe fail. He tries to tell the guards the truth about who he is and they laugh and don’t believe him. He meets an actual yiga spy also in jail, named Rystel Aresh. Link insists to General Buliara that if they send word to Impa in Kakariko, she will confirm he is telling the truth. Now all there is left to do is wait. Some days later, Naboris stomps dangerously close to Palace city and believing they will be forgotten and buried alive, Link and Rystel break out of jail together. It’s a whole thing. They go back in willingly.

Chapter 21

Finally Impa’s response comes and Link is released from jail. He meets the three councillors who run Parapa along with Buliara in place of a chief (bc there isn’t one because the last one died and the heir, Makeela Riju, is too young) and they devise a plan to get the thunder helm back and calm Naboris. Makeela is introduced. Link talks to Vilia again, and tells her what’s going on. He experiences some gender confusion but he just has too much on his plate to figure that out right now. While meditating with the Champion’s Tunic, Link gets his first memory of Urbosa, in which she brought him to the seven heroines after he killed that Yiga assassin. At dawn, Link sets out to the Yiga hideout disguised as one of them.

Chapter 22

Link meets Barta, a Gerudo soldier taken prisoner. The Yiga are apparently very hospitable jailers and Barta is having a nice time. In disguise, Link meets the Yiga Spymaster, an inventory clerk who gets a crush on him and Link steals their coat (he’s amassing a pretty nice collection of other people’s coats), and learns that Kohga is over a hundred years old. In Kohga’s office he finds the Thunder Helm and some drawings of intricate circles of magic runes he doesn’t understand. He steals both those things and escapes out the back. He runs into Master Kohga, fights him, nearly gets his ass kicked, and is recognized when he loses the mask. He learns that the Yiga call him the ‘False Hero’. Kohga falls down the giant hole, Link gets away, sees that Barta broke herself out. He hands the Thunder Helm off to Barta to bring back, and climbs the Gerudo Highland tower, where he finds Kass, and realizes that despite having met the bard several times, he forgot to ever introduce himself.

Chapter 23

Makeela confides in Link about her struggle with her place as heir and that they are running out of time to subdue Vah Naboris. When she puts on the Thunder Helm Link gets the memory of Urbosa and Zelda on Naboris. He steals a bunch of bomb arrows and sneaks out of the city, meeting up with Makeela at sunset to act out their plan. Barta follows Link and volunteers her help. The three of them succeed in stopping Naboris and Link and Barta climb aboard.

Chapter 24

Link and Barta enter the Divine Beast. It starts walking again, only temporarily stunned, and they have to first find and engage the emergency break so it doesn’t destroy Kara Kara town, and then adjust the power generators so it doesn’t Literally Explode. They fight the Thunderblight, almost lose really bad a couple times, but upon finding the Daybreaker shield and Scimitar of the Seven, manage to turn it around and defeat the blight. Urbosa’s spirit is freed, and she commends both Link and Barta for their skill and bravery. Urbosa asks Link if he somehow survived all this time, then has Zelda also survived, and Link tells her Zelda is still alive, even though he does not know for sure. Urbosa also informs Link that his Eye of Truth, what the Sheikah call one’s spiritual third eye, is now wide open, where 100 years ago it was fully closed. Exhausted and battered, the two heroes exit the Divine Beast, and are met by a huge crowd of grateful townspeople. Link passes out lol. Later Link and Barta wake up side by side in hospital beds, and, hopped up on painkillers, have a brief conversation about how there’s no more magic left since the Calamity.

Chapter 25

Link gets out of the hospital and attends a feast, gets drunk on Fruity Drinks TM and parties with Barta. Wakes up hungover with Barta. Goes and gets yummy greasy street food as a hangover cure with Barta. Goes shopping with Barta and spends most of his reward for freeing Naboris (3000 rupees) on a sapphire circlet and ruby circlet, #no ragrets. He goes and talks to Riju again to say bye because he’s planning on leaving the desert asap, it’s more emotional than either of them expected it to be. Riju tells him he better come back alive at some point. Then Link and Barta go hunt a molduga together at Arbiter’s Grounds, where they successfully kill it and also encounter WOLF LINK. Link calls him Wolfy and thinks he’s precious and adorable despite being a terrifying obviously-otherworldly ginormous wolf with human eyes and is nearly as tall as he is just standing normally on all fours. Everyone else finds Wolfy extremely off putting but Barta comes around when her and Link give Wolfy a bath in the pond at Kara Kareh. Link says bye to Vilia, it’s very tearful and heartfelt. Barta accompanies him to the desert gate, and with Wolfy now tagging along, Link leaves Parapa.

Chapter 26

While travelling north, Link finds a stable worker in distress on the side of the road next to the smoking wreckage of a burned carriage, who refuses help but demands Link take the mask he has far away. It is the Majora’s Mask but ofc Link doesn’t know that. Wolf Link doesn’t like the mask but Link doesn’t think anything of it. Monsters don’t attack him when he wears it. He keeps it on for a while, and succumbs to the mask’s possession pretty quickly, his thoughts and memories blending with those of a previous wearer (Skullkid). He gets dizzy, relentlessly hungry, headachey, frustrated and snappish. He gets super lost in a forest. Wolf Link tries to get the mask off him but the mask tells him to flee from the wolf so Link does. He spots a blupee and sees it as prey, becoming like a beast, possessed and puppetted, and chases it up Satori mountain. We call this segment 'horrortori'. He meets the lord of the mountain and runs from it. He almost does SOMETHING weird and definitely bad with a Stalnox that is reaching out for him but then Wolfy catches up with him and slams into him so hard Link sees the cosmos and basically teleports through the very fabric of reality itself away from the mountain and back into the forest at the base, landing by a pond. The possession broken, he gets the mask off, and for a second thinks he can see his Eye of Truth in his reflection in the pond. He realizes that his Eye of Truth being so open now makes him spiritually vulnerable, but he decides not to try and force it shut again.

Chapter 27

At Sanidin Park, Link finds the royal horse, which is Zelda’s own animal companion and has been around for the last hundred years. Since soul-bound animal companions’ life force are linked to their human counterparts, this confirms to Link that Zelda really is still alive in Hyrule Castle, which he had been privately worried about. He recalls a memory of helping Zelda bond with and train her horse, which is named Xerxes. He brings Xerxes to Tabantha Stable where he takes a much-needed three day break, and boards Xerxes there long term when he sets off again. While trying to reach the Tabantha Sheikah Tower, Link takes a nasty fall into the mass of malice, but before it can kill him it all gets blasted away by golden light, which Link assumes must be Zelda before passing out. He comes to to a traveller shaking him awake, the great fairy fountain guy Toren. Link is able to spot the dormant fountain from the top of the tower, so he and Toren go there together and re-awaken the great fairy Kaysa, who gives Link another fused kinstone charm to add to his fairy charm necklace, which will help him find hidden treasures. The rest of the trip to Rito territory is uneventful except for the terrifyingly rickety bridges because Link is lowkey afraid of heights, and by twilight he reaches the top of the hill overlooking Rito Stable.

Chapter 28

Link finally reaches Stonespire. At Rito Stable, he encounters Kass mid-argument with Beedle about whether ‘rito meat’ insinuates cannibalism, and Kass gives Link a letter from Impa along with notes from Paya, and Dorian and the kids. Link checks out the paper mill neighbouring the stable, and buys a small journal. Upon entering the village proper he learns that many Rito have already been killed by Vah Medoh. He meets with Elder Kaneli, who after hearing that he has successfully tamed two divine beasts, entrusts him with attempting to tame Vah Medoh. Kaneli tells him to seek out Teba, and refers to Link as a descendant of the champions in more of a metaphorical, honourary sense, like an worthy heir to their legacy, rather than a literal bloodline sense.

Chapter 29

Link runs into Saki outside the Elder’s hut, and she agrees to tell him where to find her husband on the condition he passes along a message from her: “don’t die, asshole (lovingly)” Link gets his first full memory of Revali on the landing platform. He looks around the village for better combat appropriate cold gear, but can’t afford the official mountaineering gear, so instead finds in an eclectic vintage shop the snowquill ensemble, which contains warming enchantments and technically was originally a bridesmaid outfit for a wedding, but it works. Donning it, he heads to the flight range to catch up with Teba. On the way he has a merry melodies esque fight with a Yiga soldier, who ends up getting body-checked by Wolfy. At the flight range, Link meets Teba, passes his aerial archery test, gets another memory of Revali, and doesn’t get Teba’s sense of humour.

[buffskierights]

BUFFSKIER PROMPT: JASKIER CHALLENGING GERALT TO AN ARM-WRESTLING MATCH AND WINNING. THE BARD IS S T R O N K :D (im lov your writing so much ur the best)

I wasn’t home most of today bc of a dentist appt and then I was at my friend’s house. The root canal I had gave me an odd amount of inspiration so here we go!

The heavy thump of Lambert’s hand hitting the table is followed by uproarious cheering from Geralt’s brothers in light of his victory. Coën and Eskel laugh and jeer at Lambert, taunting the youngest Witcher as a result of being dethroned from his seat as the King of Arm Wrestling, and their mirth echoes through the empty halls of Kaer Morhen. The snow that falls gently outside the crumbling keep assures that they remain indoors and by the warm hearth, with their father sat in an armchair nearby and Jaskier plucking on the strings of his lute as he watches the proceedings with an amused grin and bright eyes.

“About damn time!” Eskel crows, thumping Geralt on the back with a gleeful bark of laughter, “Lambert’s been insufferable. Wouldn’t shut the fuck up about how he’s the strongest man alive.”

“‘Can’t nobody defeat the arm wrestling champ’!” Coën lowers his voice to mimic Lambert, who sneers and crosses his arms.

“Ha fucking ha, arseholes. It’s just because I wrestled all of you and now my arm’s fucking tired.”

Jaskier laughs from where he’s lounging at the end of the table and tilts his head to look at them, “Lambert, dear, those who lose graciously are the best in the bedroom. Are you, perhaps, finding yourself a bit lacking in that department if this is how you accept defeat?”

Lambert snarls as the others burst into laughter, “Fuck you, bard! I don’t see you even trying to compete!”

“I’ve no desire to,” Jaskier shrugs and Geralt grins as he adds:

“Besides, Jask knows he couldn’t beat a Witcher.”

The moment the words are out of his mouth, he knows he’s made an error. Jaskier has never, ever, been one to back down from a challenge, even if attempting to prove someone wrong results in him looking like a fool. Geralt looks over and sees the tell-tale spark of rebellion in Jaskier’s blue eyes as the bard sets his lute aside and gracefully gets to his feet.

“Oh, I can’t, can’t I?” He raises an eyebrow at Geralt, “I’m inclined to disagree, my love.”

Eskel’s grin contorts the scars marring his handsome face but, for once, he seems to disregard it as he taunts, “Come put your money where your mouth is, bard. I’ll put twenty on Lambert.”

“I’ve got fifteen on Jaskier,” Coën is quick to defend the bard who gives him a sympathetic look of thanks.

“I’ll put fifty on Geralt,” Lambert boldly says, leaning back in his chair, “Loverbirds aside, he should face the new champion, should he not?”

Eskel nods and sits down beside Lambert as they vacate the space across from Geralt at the table, “Seems fair to me.”

“I don’t know,” Geralt purses his lips doubtfully, “Maybe we shouldn’t.”

There’s a flash of something akin to disappointment in Jaskier’s eyes before the bard angrily sets his jaw and sits down across from Geralt, placing his elbow on the table and holding out his hand, “What, you’re not scared of being beat by a bard, now, are you, Geralt?”

The animosity in Jaskier’s taunt nearly makes Geralt flinch but he shakes his head and sighs, linking hands and positioning their arms so they’re evenly spaced apart, “Just didn’t want to hurt you,” he murmurs.

Jaskier’s expression softens and his lips quirk into a gentle smile for a moment before it quickly turns teasing, “Worry about yourself, dear Witcher, you’re about to get your just desserts.”

He resists the urge to sigh again as he locks eyes with Jaskier and Lambert places his own hbd atop their locked ones and counts them down. At one, he pulls away and both bard and Witcher tense for different reasons. Jaskier, to push against Geralt’s strength, and Geralt, in preparation for the painful smack that he expected to sound immediately.

To his surprise, Jaskier’s hand doesn’t budge. In fact, while Jaskier’s cheeks are turning pink, he otherwise looks unaffected as Geralt pushes harder against him. After a moment of stunned silence, his brothers clearly having expected the same quick outcome as himself, the other Witchers start cheering for Jaskier.

“Come on, bard!”

“Show him who’s the boss!”

“Avenge my crown, Jaskier!”

Jaskier grins and fans his mouth in a mime of a yawn even though they can all hear his heart beating harder and faster and see the small drops of sweat starting to bead up on his forehead. Geralt scowls and grunts as he throws his shoulder behind his arm, pressing as hard as he can against Jaskier’s immobile hand. To his great dismay, it still doesn’t move, and he glances at the bard’s arm to make sure he’s not cheating.

Jaskier’s shirtsleeves are rolled up to his elbows and theres wiry muscle flexed in his explosed forearm, a thin vein pushing out the tanned and densely freckled skin. His cotton shirt is tight across his thick bicep, the woven threads straining against the strong arm. Geralt swallows and his hand slips slightly as his concentration wavers, Jaskier gaining the upper hand.

It’s over in seconds, the cool wood of the table hitting the back of his knuckles with a dull thunk only moments later and his brothers cheer. Joyful, scarred hands jostle the victorious bard as they ruffle his hair and shove him around good naturedly. Geralt feels warmer than he rightfully should and quickly gets to his feet, stalking out of the room to avoid a different sort of problem.

“Geralt?” Jaskier sounds concerned behind him and he can almost feel blue eyes on his back.

“Forget him, he’s just a sore loser,” Lambert says before the door shuts and he’s left to the cold and empty halls.

It doesn’t take long for Jaskier to find him, he wasn’t exactly trying to hide anyway since he knew the bard would follow him, and when Jaskier turns the corner to pass the alcove he’s standing in Geralt’s hand shoots out to grab the bard. Jaskier yelps softly, more alarmed than frightened, and the sound turns into a delighted moan as Geralt wraps his arms around Jaskier’s waist and crushes their lips together.

“Since when are you that strong?” Geralt asks when Jaskier pulls away to breathe, looking at his bard’s wide pupils and red cheeks.

Jaskier laughs and presses another kiss to Geralt’s lips, “Since I’ve been wrangling horses as a lad for my father. You should know how wily the beasts can be, you ride one of the most ornery steeds I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

He blinks before rolling his eyes, filing the information away for later while valiantly trying, and failing, to ignore the conjured mental image of Jaskier breaking a horse. “Hm, good to know,” he murmurs and tangled his fingers in Jaskier’s hair as he brings their lips together again.

[cribb4eva]

Trump ft. Beauty and the Beast au

A Retelling of

The Beauty and the Beast

AND THE WALL THAT BROUGHT THEM TOGETHER

featuring

·         Donald Frump as the majority stakeholder of BeautyTM

·         J Jenkins, better known as the Beast, a professional competitive eater

(HENCEFORTH REFERRED TO AS B&B)

[A/n - as I write this I hear the two loudly arguing about the moniker.

Beast: “I like it. It goes a long way to show how we truly united.”

Beauty: “Covfefe”]

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Once upon a time there lived an immensely wealthy merchant in a lavish home the likes of which the world had never seen (and god willing would never see again). As the rich are prone to do when bored, he bred in his spare time. As the result, the monstrosity he called his home witnessed a flowering of horses, ducks and wailing human children, and Monsieur (because Frump was a fan of the French) Frump had to overcome the first hurdle of parenthood – the naming ceremony. We can safely assume he did not do very well, as one of his (many, many) children and (equally numerous) ducks ended up with the same name – a lovely, well rounded ‘Donald’. Pause now, and witness this wonder of the world, both Donalds have illustrious careers ahead of them- one immortalized on the silver screen along with his various animal friends, who he loved to take the mickey out of, and the other, human version immortalized thanks to the work of your very own writer of this tale.

We move now to the future, an older Donald the Human greets us, spewing pearls of wisdom ( à la the classic fairy-tale Toads and Diamonds, pardon my old fangled references) while Donald the Duck, sailor’s cap et all is sadly, dust in the wind. To make my point, let me grace you, dear reader, with some of his (earth shattering, epoch defining) words - "I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will have Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words." One could say he had delusions of grandiloquence.

Ah, but this Wall is to play a role in the tale, as all great dreams begin with a dreamer, to borrow from Madam Tubman, who will no doubt be distinctly displeased at my using said quote for said human. What one needs to remember then, is that the human Donald had grown up into his name, and now (very un-ironically) owned Beauty Corp.TM, the premier destination for exploiting societal expectations of beauty for women and turning a profit, and its subsidiary, Miss Whole-Goddamn-Universe, where Donald the human, whom we shall now refer to as Mr. Frump, would fulfil his yearly quota of ogling at women and generally making everyone uncomfortable. In a sentence, Mr. Frump owned BeautyTM, and if that bit of irony doesn’t make your day better, I’m afraid the dark side has won you over.

The wheel of time turns, kicks up the gravel on the road, and leaves dust in its wake. Circumstances change. For it just so happened that Frump the senior had to leave his monstrous home to bring down the economy of a small third world country, and this parting from his brood brought much sorrow. “What shall I bring for you” he cried, tears flowing down his cheeks thanks to dust allergies caused by the afore mentioned wheel of time. In a chorus of “drones!” “A small spaceship!” and “the Kohinoor!” young Donald’s “a wall” claimed the heart of his sire.

Thus Frump senior began his long and arduous journey to the third world country, his pain exacerbated by the fact that the airline did not offer first class passage. His return found his joy dulled, for while he had successfully managed to oust the leader, and scam them , the country still retained the rights over its own resources, and in his fatigue, he forget about the promises he had made to his children. Presently he remembered those promises and went about fulfilling them; a quick text to his friend Geoff Pesos of Amazing Inc. would take care of the easier demands. A wall would prove to be more daunting, and in his desperation he directed his goons to the first wall he saw and told them to take it apart and bring it to Donald.

Alas for Mr. Frump that the wall belonged to one J. JENKINS, COMPETITIVE EATER EXTRAORDINAIRE, with a social media presence to rival even that of the most venerated reality television stars. Now Jenkins was a simple bloke. He lived to eat and not the other way around. His online persona The Beast would have gotten along excellently with Monsieur Frump on any other day, given that both were paragons of Western gluttony.

However, as one might assume, Jenkins did not take kindly to thugs tearing down a wall of his house (who would have thought?). And as is the norm, Jenkins threatened an expose, which as we know, is universally accepted as the Truth, which Mr. Frump, slayer of third world countries could not risk at present. As diamond cuts diamond, so does social media prove to be a wonderful defence against Mr. Frump’s team of lawyers( who took great pride in being called sharks and endeavoured to live up to the name by looking more and more like the watery predators). I have said before, and I will say again, nothing beats the threat of public embarrassment, as Frump Senior would find out unless he agreed to bring Donald the human to the abode of one J. Jenkins and apologise. Jenkins was a traditionalist and believed in punishing the son for the sins of the father.

For the purpose of this tale, let us assume that both Frumps, junior and senior are unable to pay off the wily Jenkins and scowling, go out to meet him- “But daddy, it's really cold outside, they are calling it a major freeze, weeks ahead of normal. Man, we could use a big fat dose of global warming!”

The Beast, as Jenkins was known, had grand plans for Mr. Frump junior, who was well known around the globe for his previously mentioned making-women-uncomfortable activities. The Beast also had a secret. His WeTube sponsors had threatened to withdraw, following his ‘I ate a bat for breakfast’ video which they believed would not be taken well since it had been a mere ten months after the outbreak of the MorBid 19 pandemic. He needed to pull something so amazingly outrageous, so steadfastly loony, and so horrifically absurd so as to make the ramifications of his previous video null and void. And along came Frump junior, funny how fate functions. Rarely had the world witnessed such serendipity; the solution dropped into the lap of a mortal with such ease.

Thus was born the idea of a video titled- ‘The Famous Mr. Frump Eats Healthy For A Week, Shocker I Know’. Cue the gasps of amazement, the astonishment of the netizens; for if there was a thing Mr. Frump was even better known for, it was his absolute detestation for anything green and fibrous. God forbid you utter the word healthy around him, while the N word (nutri****) had to be censored to avoid the inevitable hissy fits.

And so Jenkins convinced Frump junior to pay off his father’s debt by living with him for a week, to record the challenge (which would go on to be featured in WeTube’s yearly Rewind, and thus achieve digital stardom). Needless to say, Donald’s siblings were decidedly not pleased, for there are those in this world who envy a fellow human even a chance of dodgy WeTube fame.

Donald dithered, and as per usual, couldn’t make up his mind. In the end, he had to return to the Beast, for the Frump Empire was still very much open to the criticism of said WeTube star and animosity due to his demolished wall. Thus the Wall brought the owner of BeautyTM to the Beast, who had been languishing at the thought of having to make a living once his sponsors cut him off.

Cue dramatic reunion, a week of healthy eating that changed their lives, for the Beast repented his ways and decided that perhaps wasting food in a hungry world was in bad taste (pun intended), and the owner of BeautyTM realised that perhaps there was something to be said for actually focusing on what goes in the body rather than what is slapped on outside.

When you thing of their future, think of a viral WeTube video. Think of a new WeTube channel called B&B. Here we end our tale, and they lived (how long I cannot say, for I am no seer).